还没开始，就已经结束了

爱一个人真的不容易… 我已经尽了全力，也退让了许多。就连在你说我不需要再克制自己的时候，我仍然选择收着情绪、照顾你的感受。因为我在乎，所以我忍让。但在和你相处的过程中，你的回应时而热络、时而冷淡，让人摸不着头绪。有时候我感受到温暖和希望，有时候却被冷漠和疑惑包围。你的反应总是前后矛盾，甚至让我怀疑你是不是一直在隐藏些什么。感情从来不是一个人撑得起的，也不该由一个人来承担全部责任。而你现在却突然把一切都归咎于我 - 这真的不公平。

我不是没努力过。后来，我选择让你决定这段关系的方向，而你也已经作出了选择。我只能祝你一切顺利，愿你找到属于自己的答案。

Housekeeping

Do you do housekeeping of your contacts? I do; and there can be many reasons why. These include:

• People who have gradually stopped contacting me, and with whom I see no further possibility nor value in rekindling the connection.
• Acquaintances I met once or twice but no longer keep in touch with over time. I’m not shy to admit that this includes one-night stands or people I got to know through friends’ gatherings – the typical hi-bye kind of connections and that I had exchanged my number with out of courtesy.
• People I haven’t contacted in a long time, and whom I don’t think I’ll ever hear from again. These people include old schoolmates or former colleagues. It just feels too laborious to keep them on the list, especially when I’ve tried reaching out before, only to find that their numbers are no longer valid.
• People who have clearly decided it's better not to keep in touch and actively avoid me. There may have been misunderstandings, but I often feel it’s not worth the effort to explain myself if they’ve already made up their minds. For this group, it’s often easier not to be reminded of them. 
• People who are no longer around. These include people who have changed their numbers, or migrated, or for that matter, have passed on. Sadly, these contacts include my late parents, as well as a couple of relatives and friends.
• People I really care about but who seem not ready or are struggling with their own issues. In such cases, I delete their contact details to prevent myself from reaching out. I see this "cold turkey" approach as a way to respect their need for space, despite how much I may care for them.

Among all these categories, I must say the last group brings me the most heartache. It’s hard on me to take such a drastic step, but I believe that if things are meant to be, they will eventually get hold of themselves and reach out again.

It’s because of this regular “housekeeping” that my contact list remains relatively small. I don’t make a good insurance agent, do I?

:-)

More Hibiscus

I see even more varieties of hibiscus around my area this morning. So glad that I can finally snap a picture of the sea hibiscus (bottom row right 3 pictures) - especially when it is so hard to get them to flower at my eye level! And with this latest, I should have posted every single variety of hibiscus around my area!

So nice right?

Blahhh

It's amazing how one's mood can swing from general happiness to that of absolute blahhhness all of a sudden. But that's what happened to me over the last 24 hours. I need time to process what happened, my thoughts and emotions. 

For now, I just want to sleep and keep to myself.

ps: It is during such moments that I need to be cajoled, to be sayang-ed, and to be engaged. Then again, it's just wishful thinking on my part.

End of tunnel

Recently, I was chatting with a friend and the phrase “seeing the light at end of the tunnel” came up. I couldn’t recall the context around why this phrase came up but I said - at my age, I can see the light at the end of my tunnel. And the light is the fire of the incinerator when my body is being cremated.

Heh heh… uttered in a most objective manner.

Hibiscus again

Another picture of the various types of hibiscus found around my area. Glad to be able to capture a few that were not flowering the last time I went around. 

Beautiful aren’t they?

❤️

Supporting people

If there’s one thing that gives me a lot of satisfaction and joy, it’s helping people and seeing them achieve the outcomes they want.

In the area of coaching, I’ve been supporting my peers for over a year - doing peer coaching to help them accumulate coaching hours, revising theories and exam questions with them to support their exam preparation, and more. It’s very satisfying to see them progress in their coaching. And this week, one of them achieved her coaching credential! I’m so happy for her! Looking forward to seeing a few more achieve their credentials in the next 1–2 months!

Apart from that, I’ve also been able to help quite a few transition successfully to new jobs. The process was tough, especially since a couple of them were in their 50s or older. It’s lovely to see excitement and hope being rekindled. They may be older in age, but the emotions they experience and express - apprehension, happiness, disappointment, and so on - are no different from those in their 20s! 

And this is what I can say - their happiness in achieving the outcomes they want fuels my motivation to help and support others!

Chatting with AI

I was in a reflective (and playful) mood today and I posted this in ChatGPT: 

“I realized I have never really received love as an equal and I have been a giver of love and affections my whole life - in all my past relationships and with my circle of friends.”

That simple sentence opened up a long, thoughtful exchange with ChatGPT about how I could manage this realisation. Of course, it’s not something that just hit me out of the blue - it’s been gradually unfolding over time. And for quite a while now, I’ve conditioned myself to accept compliments with a simple “thank you” instead of brushing them off, and have learn to receive help without feeling awkward or undeserving. These gestures may seem minor, but they feel significant to me. They’re reminders that receiving is not a weakness - and that I, too, deserve care. 

But most interestingly, as I reflect on the conversation, I’m struck by how far technology has come. The fact that I can talk to an AI about something so personal - and actually feel heard - is mind-blowing. Then again, doesn’t it also say something about the my current state - I’m turning to AI for this kind of conversation? Strange times indeed.

Haha!

:-)

Knife

“Knife” is one of my favourite songs from my secondary school days. I was really into it back then - it felt intense and emotional, and I would sing it like I meant every word. But funny enough, it never quite stuck with me over the years, not like how some other songs did.

For some reason, it came to mind today while I was listening to old songs on my phone, so I looked it up online. It felt nice to hear it again - and to sing along, of course. Strangely, I think this might be the first time I’ve really paid attention to the lyrics. I used to sing (or scream) this song whenever it came on the radio. And even now, I can still do it without thinking twice about the words. But honestly, I never quite took in the full extent of what the song was saying. Not until today. 

Thinking back, it’s odd how the lyrics never registered before. Maybe I just wasn’t ready to hear them. Years ago, I had romanticised parts of the lyrics during my breakups (that I had initiated) - even though the song’s about being dumped - and let it mess with me in all the ways possible. But listening to it now, after actually being dumped last year, I can say this about what I went through: I felt the loss and I did grieve. But definitely not in the way the song describes. In retrospect, maybe it was never a conventional relationship to begin with.

The truth is, I did love him - but maybe not in a romantic way. Or maybe he was just there to fill a void when we started, and through the years I was simply doing what I thought was my part. And just like the song, what once felt intense in the moment didn’t quite leave a lasting mark. Well, it doesn’t matter now. Whatever it was, I never felt the kind of heartbreak this song describes. 

It’s been a year, I’ve moved on. 

:-)

Knife

Rockwell (1984)

You touched my life 

With your softness in the night 

My wish was your command 

Until you ran out of love 

I tell myself I'm free 

Got the chance of livin' just for me 

No need to hurry home 

Now that you're gone 

Knife 

Cuts like a knife 

How will I ever heal? 

I'm so deeply wounded 

Knife 

Cuts like a knife 

You cut away the heart of my life 

When I pretend 

Wear a smile to fool my dearest friends 

I wonder if they know 

It's just a show 

I'm on a stage 

Day and night I go through my charades 

But how can I disguise 

What's in my eyes? 

Knife 

Cuts like a knife 

How will I ever heal? 

I'm so deeply wounded 

Knife 

Cuts like a knife 

You cut away the heart of my life 

Oh, oh 

Oh, oh, oh, oh 

Oh, oh, oh, oh 

Oh... 

I've tried and tried 

Blocking out the pain i feel inside

The pain of wanting you 

Wanting you 

Knife 

Cuts like a knife 

How will I ever heal? 

I'm so deeply wounded 

Knife 

Cuts like a knife 

How will I ever heal? 

I'm so deeply wounded 

You cut away the heart 

Of my life

Vesak Day 2025

I did things slightly differently for Vesak Day this year. 

For a start, I made the trip to the monastery to collect the ticket for the 3-step-1-bow ritual and managed to complete the event before midnight. This was unlike previous years where I had to queue at 10pm and could only complete at around 3-4am. But things were not as smooth as I expected it to be. I had, at a last minute, accepted the request to conduct a weekend class and it ended around 6pm. I had not eaten properly the whole day but I needed to rush to the temple by 7pm. In the end, I started the ritual feeling hungry and thirsty. I perspired profusely through the ritual and started feeling faint halfway through. 

By the time I ended, I was in no state to do the Bathing the Buddha ritual. The queue was superbly long and I needed to fix myself first before I collapse from hunger, dehydration and exhaustion. But that aside, I do also suspect my inability to complete the full ritual was due to age. The ritual of bowing every three steps over a distance of about 800m(?) to a km was an exhausting process. I started undertaking this ritual since 1990 (this year is my 35th year) to fulfil a vow I made. And in recent years, the distance that I could do the bow every 3 steps gets shorter and shorter. Nonetheless, I will continue to do this for as long as I am mobile.  Let's see how long more I can go. 

Wishing everyone a blessed Vesak 2025.

ps: someone posted this video in YouTube and I actually spotted myself in it! LOL!

Oriental Pied Hornbill

I was on my morning walk a couple of days ago when, out of nowhere, I felt a pair of wings flap clumsily right across my face. I looked up and saw a majestic Oriental Pied Hornbill perched on a tree branch just beside me. 

It was the first time I’d ever encountered a hornbill up close, so bloody close! Standing at around 45 centimetres tall, it was an impressive sight. I froze, took out my handphone, and quietly observed and video it as it picked fruits and hopped from branch to branch. Hornbills usually travel in pairs, but this one was alone. I couldn’t help but wonder if it was a male foraging for fruits to bring back to his mate - perhaps nesting nearby. 

What a beautiful, unexpected encounter. It was indeed my lucky day! Very nice!

Hibiscus

Over the last couple of weeks, I started noticing so many beautiful hibiscus around me. I am amazed by the variety - something that I had overlooked until now. Beauty is all around us - we only need to pause and see!

So pretty!

top picture: hibiscus flowers at gardens by the bay (various varieties)

bottom picture: hibiscus flowers around my estate - Hibiscus rosa-sinensis (orange colour & orange colour with red center), H. mosheutos (white colour with red center)

桃花运

In a literal direct translation, it means “plum flower luck”. It’s a Chinese phrase that means “romance luck”.  I am reminded of this term cos for some reasons, there seemed to be an increased in people wanting to know me beyond that of a normal friend. Or at least that’s how I felt.

For these people, I’ve expressed this very explicitly - that I am not keen on any relationships. I even went as far as telling one of them that I will ghost him if I sense he has crossed a certain line. And despite knowing that, he continued with his messages through the day, video calling me “just to see me”… hmmm… friends don’t do that. And friends don’t wish you good night when they go to bed and wish you good morning first thing in the morning. No?

Am not jaded per se. I’m far from it. But after my last break up last year, I’ve no more interest to start another one. It’s just too tiring. There’s just too much expectations to manage and energies involved. And I do believe that being friends would perhaps be a better option in the longer term. 

picture from https://www.travelking.com.tw/tourguide/springtravel/flowers3.asp

Unscathed

Election Day is Saturday and it will be Cooling Off Day tomorrow! Finally! After tonight, there will be no more speeches, rallies, etc and that means peaceful times again! After experiencing all sorts of tensions in past elections due to differing views, I’ve chosen to keep away from anything related to elections this year. And so, life has been relatively quiet and peaceful this time round!

Life has to go on, regardless of results. But I remain hopeful things will remain status quo.

:-)

Political Office Holders

I never thought I’d live to see a country go from being perceived as heaven on earth to that of a living nightmare - yet that’s exactly what’s happened over the past decade. It’s shocking and heartbreaking at the same time. And the ripple effects are felt far beyond its borders. Still, this is the reality we face, and all we can do now is hope - and act - for better days ahead.

If there’s one thing this has taught me, it’s this: good policies can come from any party, as long as they have the right brains behind them. But what really matters is the party’s values - how they choose their candidates, and how they deal with those who fall short. Put the wrong party and people in power, and the consequences can be terrible.

That’s why I’ll be voting with my eyes wide open. No need for rallies or shouting matches - just making my choice count where it matters.

Signs of Growing Old(er)

It's kinda interesting to note the changes in my body stats over the last couple of years. Whether this is due to age, lifestyle, dietary habits, etc, I am not sure. Or perhaps it is a combination of all? LOL... here're what I have noticed:

• Height - it used to be 1.70m for most part of my adult life, but lately, I am seeing myself registering a tat shorter than usual. At times, I measure 1.69m. Is this due to age? I don't know.

• Weight - Before COVID-19, my weight went as high as 84kg. I lost about 10kg during the lock down period and I was about 74kg for a few years after that and had stayed quite constant. Lately, I started weighing myself again and I noted that it had dropped to 71kg (plus minus a bit). I could only attribute this to my dietary habits.

• Waistline - It hit 36" at my peak before COVID-19. I had not measured it for a long while but I do noticed myself being able to wear my old work pants again last year. And today, while shopping for a pair of pants, I found myself fitting into a size 31"! Anyway, I decided to get a 32" to give myself some allowance for possible growth (laterally)!

It's interesting to note these changes but I can only suspect the rate of change will increase with time. Apart from these, I have also noticed physical changes such as more saggy skin around my body, my arms, my face; appearance of age-related spots on my neck, hands and body, etc. These are perhaps signs of aging that no one can avoid. And admittedly, the vain side of me did consider going for a facelift but the logical part of me told me to be real and don't waste my money over such procedures. Then again, I pride myself for looking younger than my straight peers. Oh man, for some reasons, they look so haggard and old!

:-)

(I'm such a bitch... Hahaha)

Training Update

I’ve received my first paycheck from the trainings I conducted in March! It’s so nice to see this being credited, especially since I have not had any income (apart from my room rental) since December 2023.

It’s not a big amount, but it’s a great relief to me, especially when what I have in my bank account would otherwise run dry in a month or two. So yes, this added income is timely and a much-needed boost. It tells me I’m heading in the right direction. Moving forward, I can expect some engagements on a monthly basis - some months more, some months less. I shall continue with this and allow things to stabilise before deciding how much more I should commit myself to for other opportunities. 

Speaking of opportunities, a peer trainer recently approached me to help deliver parts of her module at a local university. I have agreed to help her, as the topic is an interesting one. I also recognise that this may open up future engagements with the university, which I am looking forward to. There are several other opportunities as well, including the possibility of starting a business. However, I will need to be selective about which ones to pursue. A key factor guiding my decision-making is to stay true to my intention of pivoting towards a career that allows me to remain mentally and socially engaged as I approach retirement. At the same time, I also want to ensure I carve out enough personal time for myself, even as I take on freelance work. 

I am happy with the direction I am heading currently. Once things stabilise a little more, I can start to think about how to expand my coaching clientele. Coaching, although not my focus when it comes to generating an active income stream, keeps me engaged and I truly enjoy the conversations. Most importantly, I am motivated by the positive energy of my coachees at the end of every conversation.

:-)

Qingming 2025

This year’s Qingming (清明节) fell on 4 April. During Qingming, we would head to the cemetery to clean the graves and pay respects to our ancestors. Traditionally, it’s commemorated within 10 days before or after the actual day - but these days, most people extend it to two weeks on either side, making use of the weekends instead. 

Since my parents’ passing, I’ve been doing it on my own - visiting the columbarium to pay respects to them and to my late grandparents. It’s become something of a routine for me - a quiet responsibility I’ve taken on as the eldest son, perhaps. For some reason, I just didn’t feel up to it this year. Maybe it’s because I don’t drive. Maybe it’s because I simply didn’t have the energy. But I finally made the trip today.

Woke up early this morning, head out for breakfast, and then to get all the paraphernalia for the ritual - joss sticks, joss papers (gold, silver), ancestral offering papers, sutra sheets, fruits, etc. Decided to skip the usual paper trunks - one each for my mum, dad, grandmother and grandfather - as it would’ve been impossible for me to carry. The journey to the columbarium by public transport alone took me almost two hours, not counting the nearly 1.5km walk to the actual location in the hot afternoon sun. By the time I made my way back to the east, almost six hours had passed, and I was completely exhausted.

Still, I felt good about making the trip. It’s a laborious process, but one that holds deep meaning for me. And no, I don’t like the phrase “ancestor worship”. I don’t worship them - but I honour them and pay my highest respects, for bringing me into this world and grounding me in the values that shaped who I am today. Marking Qingming brings me back to my roots, reconnects me with my past, and reminds me of all that my parents and grandparents did to help me get to where I am. And for that, I give thanks - and ask for their guidance as I move forward in life.

:-)

Ps: and while at it, I also commemorated my grandmothers’ 50th death anniversary (the actual day is next Thursday - the 27th day of the 3rd lunar month) but it would be too much for me to repeat this trip next week)! 

Infection

I went to the doctor on Friday evening. Was told I had a very bad throat infection that has spread to my upper respiratory track, my sinus and my chest. I was also running a fever without realizing it. Was given quite a bit of medication, including antibiotics. 

The medications worked wonders. The fever subsided, the sinus and airways cleared, and my cough stopped within 24 hours. As of now, I still have lingering backflow, congestion and cough but it should clear off within the next couple of days. Such a relief. 

Reflecting, I do noticed that post-COVID, I tend to suffer more intense URTI and recovery time is a lot longer. It usually starts off with a cough and quickly deteriorate. URTI used to be a simple affair lasting no more than 3-4 days. But now, it usually stretches to 3 weeks at least. 

Not too sure why. 

What language…

My answers to “What language do you use when you talk to your inner self?” go like this:

“It depends on the context”

Most of the time, I use English. But when I’m praying (be it in a Buddhist or Taoist setting) or paying respects to my late ancestors, I use Hokkien. I’ve also realised that sometimes I don’t even use words - I just let my senses take things in. Like, I see colours and that’s it. Or I hear birds chirping, a car whisking by… I just take note of it, register the experience and that’s it. I might respond with a simple smile but there’s no need to verbalise it. Just knowing. No words needed.

Does that make sense?

Freedom

What would go through your mind when - or if -  you are near your endpoint? 

I fell badly ill during my extended stay in KL. By day four, I had run out of my daily doses of blood thinner, heart regulator, and other medication. My heart began to pump hard and fast. There was a strange sensation in the left side of my chest. I was also down with a violent cough, severe sinus congestion, chest pains, and a sore throat. The pressure points around my face and neck hurt badly. At one stage, I was so unwell I couldn’t get out of bed. I suffered from intense congestion, with copious amounts of bloodied mucus and phlegm flowing non-stop. 

I ordered my heart medication online, but it would take 1 - 2 days to arrive. To relieve my sinus symptoms, throat irritation and cough, I went to a local pharmacy and bought vitamin C, antihistamines, and lozenges. That was when the thought of passing on - perhaps due to a stroke or a heart attack - crossed my mind. The image that surfaced was of me, lifeless, discovered by the cleaner. Surprisingly, I wasn’t afraid. I wasn’t even worried. No one knew I had fallen sick apart from two KL friends, a training peer, and a potential coaching client I was meant to have a conversation with. There wasn’t much point in telling others - not that they could do anything about it. I truly appreciated my KL friends who consistently checked in to ensure I was all right. 

Throughout the entire episode, I kept mostly to myself. I didn’t want to bother anyone, and strangely, no one came to mind - not my siblings, not my nieces or nephew, not my friends. No one at all. Looking back, I realise I was, in fact, ready to go, had my time been up. I had no responsibilities, no liabilities, and I owed nothing to anyone. And in an odd way, that made me feel very free.

So, to answer my own question - nothing. Just peace.

What language…

What language do you use when you talk to your inner self?

Back home

I arrived back home safe and sound on Wednesday evening feeling drained and totally exhausted. It’s been a day plus and I’m slowly but surely recovering. The sinus is still crazy and the mucus is just building up as fast as I cleared them. I am also forcing myself to move a bit to keep myself “alive”. Been doing lotsa self and training-related admin, coaching, etc. And today, I decided I want to meet up with some people that matter to me. So yeah, it’s been a nice return so far. 

Feeling thankful.

KL Mis-Adventure

My KL trip this time round is perhaps one of the most memorable - in the most negative way. Planned for a 4-day trip, travelled the distance, met up with friends, did what I wanted to do, and then took the coach back.

But I couldn’t. I had to extend my stay. The last few days were anything but fun cos I came down with a superbly bad tonsillitis. Coughed my hearts out and my phlegm was full of blood! And my sinus was so bad I was literally flowing bloodied snort through the nights. It was such a horrible past few days. Will continue to rest and recover for the next 2 days.

Hopefully, I will recover well enough to make the trip back home!

Fallen Crow

Literally, as the title suggests - a crow that fell… in the middle of a busy road, no less. Now, imagine this: being immobilised and stuck in the middle of the road, facing gigantic metal machines rushing toward you, knowing that instant death awaits if one were to run over you. Scary, right? Here’s my little adventure. 

I was on my morning walk when I noticed a black patch in the middle of the road. I initially thought it was a burst tyre, but upon closer inspection, I realized it was a crow. It was alive, mouth open, but didn’t seem to be able to move. Above me, a murder of over 20 crows was circling, with many more perched on the surrounding roadside trees, cawing loudly. I stood by the side of the road, waiting for the traffic to clear. Then, quickly but carefully - so as not to startle the fallen crow - I approached it. Perhaps I was projecting human emotions onto it, but I could sense helplessness and fear, and maybe, resignation - feelings one wouldn’t typically associate with a crow. 

Gently, I picked it up with both hands. It struggled a bit, but I managed to move it to a grass patch. It remained there, still and unable to move. Knowing I had taken it out of harm’s way, I continued my walk. Strangely, the murder of crows followed me. At that moment, I felt a sense of unease. Recent news of crows attacking humans crossed my mind, and I wondered if those above me might do the same. As I walked on, I started worrying about whether the crow I had rescued would become dehydrated. I couldn’t take it to the vet, knowing it would likely be culled, as crows are considered a nuisance. But I could at least do something to alleviate its suffering. 

I turned back, searched around some rubbish bins, and found a discarded cup. After filling it with water, I returned to where I had left the crow. It was still there, but as I approached, it tried to move away - a good sign, I thought. But after a few more attempts to escape, it sat still again. It must have felt exhausted. Once more, I gently lifted it and moved it under a tree, placing the cup of water beside it. The murder of crows continued circling above me, but by then, I no longer cared if they attacked. I had done what I could. This time, as I walked away, the crows did not follow. 

I hope the crow recovers soon.

Completed Trainings

I have finally delivered three 2-day modules over the past two weeks! Despite a rough start, I thought the second and third modules went rather smoothly. That sense of satisfaction after training (or, for that matter, running any event) is a key indicator of how well things unfolded. I’m slowly but surely getting used to the administrative processes after the first session.

As for the delivery, it wasn’t as good as I had hoped. One area I need to improve on is pacing - I still find myself speaking too fast and finishing a tad too early, especially for the third module. If this continues, I risk being penalized by the training company and the authorities, particularly since these modules are subsidized by public funds. I’ll need to work on this.

For now, I’m just glad to have completed this round of training. Time to rest and recuperate.

Turkish delight

This is the first time I’m trying Turkish delight and I enjoy it so very much! Have always wondered what it tastes like since I read Chronicles of Narnia when I was in Primary 6 (1978?)! And I finally got the chance to eat it when a dear friend gifted it to me after his trip to Türkiye last week!

Yum yum!

Do you?

This is a very random post. Am posting this as I’m doing my morning walk - totally spontaneous:

• Do you wave to thank drivers who stop for you at a zebra crossing? 
• Do you pick up a snail from the middle of the road and place it in the grass? 
• Do you offer to share your umbrella with a stranger when it rains? 
• Do you fetch soy sauce from the hawker stall for an elderly person at your table who just said their porridge is too bland? 
• Do you watch where you step to avoid accidentally crushing anything - ants, for that matter? 
• Do you gently blow away mosquitoes that have landed on you, even when they’re already happily sucking your blood? 
• Do you help a butterfly with broken wings that lands on your shoulder by moving it to a safe spot among the greenery? 
• Do you volunteer your time to help someone who approaches you, despite your busyness?

These moments happen to me rather frequently, and my answer to all of the above is — yes, without hesitation. It’s something I do naturally, without a second thought, and I must say, I’m always glad I could be of help.

How about you?

Survived my first course

These past weeks have been rather hellish, culminating this week when I delivered my first virtual course. 

The course administration was a killer. I had to mark attendance, verify learners identity, operate and update the trainers' portal, manage the learners management system, etc while concurrently engaging the learners - it was insane! As for the learners, they came from all walks of life, were of varying seniority, work experiences, backgrounds, and nationalities. By the end of Day 1, I was completely drained. 

Day 2 started off slightly better as I managed the administration more efficiently, having learned my lessons from Day 1. But things got chaotic when my class couldn’t access the online assessment! I was literally sweating buckets, frantically calling technical support and my more seasoned trainer peers while trying every possible way to grant learners access. In the end, I started the assessment an hour late! 

I wrapped up the two-day course only to realize I had forgotten to get learners to complete one of the two course evaluations. Some even left before I inform them of their results and obtaining their acknowledgment resulting in my inability to complete my post-course administrations. It's been 2 days and I have yet to submit my post-course documents! 

Now, even as I’m rushing to complete post-course reports and compiling all the documents for submission - I am also preparing for another two-day module that will be held this weekend and a third module that will start next Thursday. I am feeling superbly exhausted right now! Sighs. 

Positively, this craziness should be temporary. The next run will be smoother as I get more familiar with the administration. And above all, I’m finally earning an income, and that’s one helluva good reason to stay calm and push on! So yeah, I’m embracing it all with a smile and a pat on my back. I survived. 

:-)

Mentoring

I signed up as a mentor with a volunteer organisation last month. The mentoring programme provided by this organisation supports students in navigating the job search process and is a collaboration between the school and the volunteer organisation. Successful applicants can then enrol in a diploma programme with the school. This initiative, led by MOE and the school, allows applicants to work (in an industry and role relevant to the course of study) on 4 days and attend lessons on 1 day per week.

The official duration for the mentoring programme is 6 months. However, as in all mentoring programmes, the mentor will end up mentoring the mentee beyond the "official" period given the relationship established. I expect this to be so for my case too as my mentee has decided to forego this current application window and to focus on the next application window that will start only towards the end of this year.

The programme coordinator seemed pretty chill about this even though technically the timeline stretches beyond the 6-month official timeline. I guess this "flexibility" is common amongst volunteer organisations? I didn't want to probe cos for me, the main aim is to help people, whether it is within the programme timeline or otherwise. So...

:-)

Training

It has been a crazy busy few weeks for me, and the rest of March looks just as packed! 

Over the next 2-3 weeks, I’ll be delivering three two-day courses virtually. To prepare for it, I’ve been reviewing training materials, developing learning activities, and internalizing the content - all while adapting to new materials. This has been especially challenging because the slides provided by the course developer (course owner) didn’t fully meet my expectations. As someone who focuses a lot on flow, congruence and look-and-feel, I found it difficult to follow the slides provided and thus had to redo the slide deck almost totally. 

That said, going through the slides, aligning the content with the learners’ guide and assessment guide, and making changes to the flow to better deliver the learning outcomes actually helped me absorb the content much faster. On top of that, I’ve had to familiarize myself with the technology, administration, and logistics of the courses - figuring out Zoom functions, using learning applications like Mentimeter and Google Slides, taking attendance via the portal, and managing assessment report submissions. 

As a new trainer, these extra layers of complexity made things more challenging, but I’ve also gained a lot from the process. At the end of the day, what matters most is delivering the course well and improving with each session. It’s been a whirlwind of prep, and now it’s time to see how it all comes together.

:-)

“Chineseness”

I’ve read before that when a community emigrates from its home country, its members often become more conscious of their cultural practices than those who stay behind. Over time, emigrants may even hold onto traditions more firmly than their compatriots back home. Many also retain a strong sense of nationalistic pride - something I saw in my grandparents’ generation, where many continued to look towards their homeland with deep affection, taking pride in their roots and even longing to return one day. 

This is evident in Singapore’s Chinese community, where certain customs and traditions - brought over by our ancestors - are still practiced, even though they have faded or disappeared in China. The same can be said of Singapore’s Indian community compared to those in India, showing how migration can not only preserve culture but sometimes even reinforce it. 

But not all emigrants take this path. While some hold on tightly to their heritage, others go in the opposite direction, distancing themselves from their roots. My tenant is a case in point. Despite being Chinese, he avoids many things that remind him of China. Other than speaking the language and eating Chinese food, he steers clear of traditional Chinese medicine, preferring Western medicine and supplements. He has also spent the past many years living overseas - in Australia, Malaysia, Thailand, and now Singapore - with no desire to return to China.

Beyond just distancing himself, he seems somewhat embarrassed by China and its people. He often criticize the political system and the behavior of locals, as if trying to make it clear that he isn’t like those Chinese people. And yet, funnily enough, his circle of friends is still mostly PRC Chinese. It’s like he rejects certain parts of his identity, but at the same time, he can’t quite detach from it completely. 

I get the sense that he’s a product of his generation. Now in his 30s, he probably fits the mold of an “emperor child” - those born in the 80s and 90s under China’s one-child policy, often showered with attention and spoilt by their parents. And he has all the typical traits of a kidult! But I do think that, as he grows older, his identity as a Chinese will start to matter more to him. Many of us push away our cultural roots when we’re younger, only to find ourselves searching for them again later in life. 

Funny how that works, isn’t it?

New milestone - Paid coaching

I did my first paid coaching session today. 

Last week, I got a call from a dear friend who told me he needed coaching. This followed an earlier session I had with him last month, which he found very useful. Fast forward to now - he was feeling frustrated and stuck again with the same issue. Without hesitation, I agreed to coach him. But there was a catch. I will pay you, or I won’t let you coach me. I’ll be your first paid coachee, and hopefully, this will turn things around for you! he declared. I wasn’t expecting this, but I truly wanted to help him. So, I told him he could decide what he thought the session was worth. 

This morning, I completed the session with him. I helped him gain clarity on his thoughts and the steps he needed to take to move forward. I was glad I could support him. But above all, I’m incredibly grateful for his support in my journey. Back when I was unsure about pivoting my career to freelancing, he was the first to say, I will support you, no matter what you decide. He was also the one who referred me to his friend - who later became my first “non-friend” client. And now, he has become my first paid client.

Thank you, A. 

😊

Interesting trip

My recent trip to KL was probably the most interesting. Lots of new experiences, meeting of new people, making new friends and doing things that I would never imagined me doing before. But let's just leave it as that. Just wanna put a note on it.

:-)

Xiaohongshu 小红书

I downloaded the Xiaohongshu 小红书 app just before the CNY period and was immediately intrigued by the posts and conversations. This was especially so because it coincided with TikTok’s shutdown in the U.S. (just before the presidential inauguration) and there were many “TikTok refugees” - people who chose to migrate from TikTok to Xiaohongshu.

The content and discussions on TikTok, and Xiaohongshu couldn’t be more different. The contrast in tone and perspectives between the West (particularly the U.S.) and the rest of the world (especially China) is striking. I won’t go into too much detail because there are so many layers to explore - cordial vs. toxic interactions, skepticism and cynicism vs. pride, curiosity, and more. It’s fascinating! I suppose it reflects each country’s history, culture, and approach to control and censorship.

You really have to experience it to understand what I mean. For now, Xiaohongshu has replaced TikTok as my go-to for daily social media browsing. And, of course, X, with all the toxicity and spins by too many “far right extremists”, is now just for porn - nothing else.

;-)

Modern Day Robin Hood

I went to the dentist today. The total cost for scaling, deep cleaning, and an X-ray came to about S$280. But after all the subsidies and claims, I only paid about S$40. I was pleasantly surprised by this because, in previous years, the maximum I could claim was S$120. Glad I delayed my check-up!

Reflecting on life on this Little Red Dot, I think the government does a great job of playing Robin Hood. But this has nothing to do with the dental perks I mentioned earlier - those were benefits I earned after spending a good amount of time in the armed forces. Now, back to Robin Hood. In Singapore, people who earn more get taxed more, while those below a certain income threshold don’t get taxed at all (if I remember correctly, that's about 85% of the population, though I might be wrong). The government also provides monetary relief across almost all key aspects of life - from medical expenses to transport to daily living costs. Many are universal (e.g., subsidies for medical care at government-restructured hospitals) but means-tested (meaning the better off you are, the more you pay). On top of that, the government distributes fixed-amount reliefs regularly (eg CDC vouchers, transport vouchers, Medisave grants, Assurance packages, etc) to all individuals/ households to help offset the GST increase and ease the cost of living.

These reliefs and perks may seem relatively small when viewed individually, but net-net, what I see is that those who earn more contribute more (mainly through taxes) and is supported less (as a percentage of income earned), while those who are less well-off and earned less receive maximum support. It’s so Robin Hood right? - take from the rich and give to the poor. For me, this is what it means - I’ve spent less than S$100 on groceries this year (2025) by leveraging the government-issued CDC vouchers, which were given to all households to assist with the cost of living. I also successfully upgraded my Community Health Assistance Scheme (CHAS) status and am now awaiting the outcome of my application for public transport vouchers. And I have yet to use the S$4000 MySkillsFuture grant to further upskill myself!

Let’s see what else I can apply to maximize the available reliefs and perks!

Volunteer

I’ve just signed up with a volunteer agency to mentor technical students on career choices. Funny how it all came together just yesterday. I met up with an ex-colleague to pass her some TCM cough medication since she’s been dealing with a lingering post-flu cough. It had been a while since we last caught up, and at some point, I mentioned how challenging it has been to clock my coaching hours. That’s when she asked if I’d be keen to mentor technical students on career choices and job hunting.

You know, there’s a certain level of social stigma around ITE students and graduates. They’re generally seen as less academically inclined and often come from tough family backgrounds. People are also quick to associate gang activities and petty crimes in news reports to ITE students or graduates - many times, unfairly and without evidence. That said, I found the idea of mentoring them pretty interesting. Career coaching is something I’m good at, and if I can help these students find their footing in the job market, why not? Plus, it’s a great way to clock my coaching hours while sharpening my skills at the same time. So, I agreed to explore it further with the programme coordinator.

Had a really interesting chat with the programme coordinator last evening. From the details shared, the programme reminds me a lot of my volunteer work with SG Enable a few years back. This time, I’ll be working with technical students who have recently graduated or will be graduating from ITE soon. One of my key questions for the coordinator was whether the students actually wanted to be part of the programme or if they were just forced into it. I was relieved when she said they signed up voluntarily. That says a lot about their motivation - they know this is good for them and want to be part of it. So, the challenges I’ll likely face will be more on the surface, like playfulness or communication struggles, rather than deeper issues like unwillingness to engage. 

Looking forward to seeing how this goes!

Strepsils

I went to the dentist today. It had been close to a year since my last visit, which was unusual for me, as I typically go for dental check-ups every six months or so. This time around, since leaving my employment, I figured it was an expense I could afford to space out. It made sense to me because my post-retirement dental benefits are topped up annually.

Anyway, I visited the dentist today, and it was one of the quietest visits ever. You see, the dentist had a bad throat. It was also the first time I had a female dentist attend to me. As I walked into the room, I could see her eyes smiling above her mask. She signalled for me to take a seat in the dental chair and went about checking my teeth. Then, she spoke to me in a whisper, almost inaudibly - "There seemed to be quite a bit of plaque buildup on the teeth on your lower jaw. We'll do a cleaning and then take an X-ray to see if there's anything inside that we should be concerned about. How's that?"

I agreed. She went about the cleaning after which I took an X-ray, and she later explained that everything looked good - nothing to be concerned about. I asked if she had a bad throat, and she nodded. I smiled, thanked her, asked her to take care and we parted ways. After making payments, I went to the supermarket next door, bought her a pack of Strepsils, and dropped it off with the reception staff. That was the least I could do. Poor girl - working during the Chinese New Year period with a bad throat - she must have felt terribly uncomfortable.

:-)

Delayed opportunity

Last year, I signed up as an associate trainer with two companies. 

For the first company, I successfully bid for a training slot in January this year, but the company's license was suspended for three months by the government. As a result, any training with this company will only begin in April at the earliest.

For the second company, after a long wait and onboarding process, I finally secured a training slot in February. Excitedly, I made the effort to observe a class a couple of weeks ago and put in significant preparation to ensure I was ready to deliver the module. However, last week, I was informed that my class would be reassigned to the module lead due to the introduction of new content. Such a bummer! I was particularly frustrated that I hadn’t been informed about the ongoing content review, especially after investing so much effort into my preparations. To make up for this, the coordinator assigned me additional classes in March. This is on top of the two classes I was already assigned - though, unfortunately, the new topic is one I’m not very familiar with. Doh! 

Given my experience with the February module, I decided to check whether new content would also be introduced for the two modules I’m scheduled to conduct in March. To my horror, the coordinator confirmed that there would be changes but said he would only provide details closer to the training date. This is quite unsettling, as it may leave me with little time to research and prepare for all three modules occurring almost back-to-back. That said, I’ve decided to take things in stride. As a new trainer in the team, I’ll observe how things are done and the dynamics between key players. Objectively, content reviews and refreshes don’t happen too often. On the bright side, exposure to new courses could open up more opportunities for me in the months ahead - and that’s a good thing. 

When training resumes for the first company in April, I do foresee myself getting pretty busy with training commitments on both ends. But for now (at least in February), I’ll have a bit more time to focus on my own well-being. 

:-)

JL - someone

I want to write a post about this person. Let's just call him JL.

I got to know JL in January last year when he contacted me via WhatsApp. He had gotten my contact from someone I met through Grindr. After exchanging a few messages, I decided to meet up with him. It was unusual for me to meet someone with his profile. You see, JL was 72 years old - an age I considered too mature for me. But I enjoyed our conversations, as he was Peranakan and would often code-switch to Peranakan Malay while sharing stories about his late mother. It was easy to relate to his stories, as they bore many similarities to my mum’s. I ended up meeting him a couple of times and, after a while, sensed that he liked me. This led to quite a bit of uneasiness because the person who gave him my number liked him as well. It was complicated, but I stayed above the drama and simply told him I wasn’t interested in any relationships, as I was partnered at the time. JL respected my decision.

JL is a highly prideful and self-centered person. He is also very sensitive and tends to read too much into every word used in conversations. He has a habit of throwing tantrums whenever things don’t go his way. Admittedly, there were many occasions when I felt uncomfortable with his condescending and rude tone during our conversations, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and took it in stride. Perhaps, I told myself, it was just one of those idiosyncrasies of an elderly person. He left for Bangkok in March and, for reasons I won’t elaborate on, decided it was not safe for him to return to Singapore. Given his self-declared fugitive status, he asked me for help to run some errands but in the midst of the conversation, abruptly blocked me and left me cold. I didn’t hear from him again until sometime in October, when he decided it was time to return - by which point he had unblocked me.

Upon his return, we met for a meal, during which he asked if I could be his executor. I politely declined, given my less-than-positive experience with him and the fact that I didn’t know him well enough to take on such a responsibility. Things remained cordial for the next two months. Sometime in December, he asked me for a favor - to give him a haircut - which I did a couple of weeks before Chinese New Year. He then invited me for a meal during the festive period, mentioning that he would be alone with nothing to do. I agreed but told him I might be traveling and could only confirm the date and time closer to the occasion. In the end, I didn’t travel. And I reached out to finalise the meet up plans. However, for some unknown reason, he later canceled the appointment and blocked me again.

Dealing with people who, without explanation, decide when to engage with you or cut you off is frustrating. It’s deeply disrespectful, entirely self-centered, and shows a complete lack of accountability. Previously, I had given him the benefit of the doubt, assuming that being alone overseas might have made him stressed and influenced his behavior. But this time, I decided it was best to delete his contact altogether. Life is too short to tolerate such treatment - I deserve better.

A month flew by

It’s only been a month into 2025, and much has happened - globally, locally, and on a personal level. The U.S. has a new president who has been busy signing and rolling out executive orders at a rapid pace, leading to numerous policy changes (not gonna talk too much about that, though). On the local front, there have been significant developments - reviews of election boundaries, impending budget announcements, etc., etc., etc. - so yes, everyone has been superbly busy setting the tone for the rest of the immediate year/ term. And personally, I’ve experienced several noteworthy changes as well. But lest I lose focus, I shall talk about those that matter:

• Personal life - My personal life has been rather stable, I must say. I decided to head to JB with a recently met friend and reconnected with a couple of friends and old colleagues. I reminded myself that I need to reach out to people instead of keeping to myself, as social engagement is an important part of maintaining my sanity (and contributing to my well-being). Of significance was me meeting up with a couple of great long-time friends while they were in town in January (e.g., Germs and his partner; and my US-based friend and his wife). Also, my tenant took a two-week break to visit Taiwan and head back to China for Chinese New Year. As a result, I was able to simply enjoy my "freedom" at home in his absence. 

• Well-being & Health - I had my half-yearly health review - all's good. I was referred to the sports medicine department for my bad knee that left me quite debilitated through most of December 2024, and it turns out there’s a bone spur growing in my right knee, contributing to the pain. I’ve been referred to a physiotherapist and given a battery of exercises to work on. Otherwise, I got my annual Covid and flu jabs, so I’m all good for now. Apart from that, I have been eating and snacking lots! Well, what to expect given all the Chinese New Year snacks right? Heh... As for overseas trips, I made a short trip to JB with a friend I got to know recently and have already booked another trip to KL this coming Sunday. Looking forward to meeting my KL friends!

• Family & Relatives - January was an interesting period for me, as much of my time was focused on Chinese New Year preparations. While I’m not particularly big on this festival since my parents' passing, annual routines and traditions like spring cleaning and the all-important reunion dinner with my auntie’s family couldn’t be ignored. These routines kept me connected to my relatives and, in a big way, reminded me of the larger entity I am a part of. On a more practical note, I took the opportunity to give my tenant's room and the common toilet a thorough cleaning. I realized that despite his regular cleaning, things still weren’t quite up to my expected standards. Okay, I’ve digressed from the topic of family & relatives.

• Professional Growth - Admittedly, this hasn't progressed as fast as I had expected. On the training front, I was all geared up and prepared to conduct my first session at the end of the first week of February, but in late January, I was informed that my session would be given to someone else. I’ll talk about this in another post, but it was a huge bummer for me, as I was really looking forward to it. On the coaching front, things have slowed down since December 2024 due to the year end festivities. To put things in perspective, I used to conduct 1 to 2 coaching sessions per weekday last year, but since December 2024, I’ve only managed at best one session per week. On the bright side, I landed a new client last week and helped him clear his thoughts about his career progression.

• Financial Health - This has been stagnant so far and will probably stay that way until I start my training. So... yeah, I’ll need to keep a close watch on this moving forward.

So yes, the last month zipped by quickly. On the whole, things were slow, but that was not unexpected. Looking ahead, I can only expect things to pick up from March onwards.

Focus for 2025 - Rebuilding

In mid-2023, I embarked on a journey to reinvent myself to a self-employed freelancer, living authentically on my own terms. The target is to fully achieve this by the time I turn 60 in 2026. After over a year of capacity building, it is time to rebuild myself. In 2025, I aim to achieve a sense of normalcy and financial stability by focusing on the following areas:

Personal Life 

• Celebrate independence and savour the journey of rediscovering myself. 

Well-Being & Health

• Maintain both physical fitness and mental health as priorities. 

Family & Relatives 

• Maintain current relationships while preserving a strong sense of self and independence.  

Professional Growth 

• Build my training and coaching expertise, turning them into income streams, with a particular focus on training.

Financial Health 

• Establish a predictable income from training to rebuild my finances while maintaining a lean and sustainable lifestyle. Focus on coaching as a means to help others and clock hours toward achieving higher-level credentials, with any income from coaching being incidental.

Additionally, I recognize the importance of long-term planning to support my retirement. This includes applying for public housing, which will likely take 3-5 years to build. By the time the flat is ready, I’ll be around 65, coinciding with the start of my CPF Life payouts. Moving forward, every step I take will contribute to my broader vision of financial security and a fulfilling retirement.

2024 - Reinvention

2024 has been a year of reinvention for me - both personally and professionally. I began the year intending to focus on professional transformation, but an unexpected breakup forced me to fundamentally reassess my life’s priorities. Here’s a contextual rundown of my year. 

Professional Growth 

I left my corporate life in December 2023 (at 57) with the aim to pivot my career to that of a business owner and freelancer, specifically as a trainer and coach. I gave myself the goal to stabilise my career before I turn 60 in 2026. After attaining my trainer credentials in 2023, I dedicated myself to attaining my ICF Associate Certified Coach (ACC) credential this year, and I am happy to have achieved this before the end of the year. I’ve also signed on as an associate trainer with two companies, and I look forward to beginning training sessions in 2025. 

Training is an area where I see potential for growth, and it will also provide financial stability while I continue my freelance career. Coaching, on the other hand, is more client-driven, so income from coaching is less predictable. Nonetheless, I want to continue with my coaching practise as it keeps me socially engaged and enriches me beyond the financials. The combination of both will allow me to balance predictable income with the flexibility and fulfilment coaching offers. Training and coaching will thus be my focus professionally as I head into 2025. If I do this well, I should be able to achieve stability by 59 (2025), ahead of my 2026 target. 

Personal Life

2024 has been a defining year, particularly in my personal life, given the unexpected breakup in mid-April. After the breakup, I found myself facing the reality of being single for the first time in almost three decades since coming out. Many friends also took sides and left me feeling isolated. Having spent years in relationships, this period of singlehood has provided an opportunity for introspection and self-discovery. For the first time in a long while, I am forced to focus on living for myself, and embracing my independence. 

Positively, it allowed me to savour what it means to be single. This new experience has been liberating and allowed me to explore what brings me fulfillment beyond the expectations of others or the dynamics of a relationship. This phase of self-reflection and growth has been incredibly refreshing. I’ve come to understand the importance of prioritising my own well-being and personal journey. Admittedly, I’ve felt extremely lonely at times and yearned for company, but I’ve learned to embrace the freedom that comes with being single and the opportunities to reconnect with my own needs and desires. While I’m not closed to the possibility of future relationships, I will, in 2025, continue this journey of independence and savour the journey to rediscover myself. I’m excited to see where this path leads. 

Family & Relatives 

Family relationships have been a significant part of my life journey, but this year I’ve relearned the importance of setting boundaries to protect my peace. While I’ve always valued blood ties, I’ve come to realise that familial bonds should not come at the cost of my personal dignity and respect. After a conflict with my second sister over tenant sourcing, I decided to reassess and establish clearer boundaries with her. The fallout made me realise that while family is important, I cannot allow myself to be disrespected simply because of our shared history. 

In contrast, my relationship with my paternal relatives and eldest sister remains relatively unchanged with the usual festive and birthday greetings. It’s been an enlightening year in terms of learning how to protect my emotional well-being without feeling guilty about distancing myself from family members who do not honour my boundaries. For 2025, I intend to continue fostering healthy, positive relationships while maintaining a strong sense of self and independence. Family will always be important to me, but I am no longer willing to sacrifice my peace to maintain ties that feel unhealthy or one-sided. 

 

Financial Health

In 2024, I made a conscious decision to focus on my coaching credentials and training opportunities rather than working for a traditional income. As a matter of principle, I chose not to charge my clients financially but instead requested payments in kind, such as a meal or a drink. This allowed me to build valuable coaching experience while keeping costs low. I also leveraged my savings and rental income to finance this year, allowing me to focus on my career reinvention. 

A significant part of this decision was selling my car at the end of April, after owning several vehicles over the past three decades. While the car was once a necessity, its upkeep had become a financial strain, especially since I was not earning a regular income this year. Initially, I had held onto it for the sake of my partner and our regular outings, but after the breakup, keeping it no longer made sense. In 2025, I will focus on building a predictable income through training, with the goal of rebuilding my finances while maintaining a lean and sustainable lifestyle. Coaching will remain a supplementary income stream if indeed I charge, but training will become my primary income source, giving me the stability I need. 

Well-Being & Health

I wanted to prioritise my health and well-being this year. Given the all-too-pervasive challenges I faced this year, this priority to focus on my conscious efforts to maintain both my physical and mental health couldn’t have been more timely. I’ve continued my daily walking regime and am happy to have achieved an average of 18.6K steps a day for the year. Despite the occasional heart-related scares, I’m glad I’ve managed to maintain my heart health and with an affirmation by the cardiologist that all is well. My urologist’s review also showed no significant deterioration to my kidney conditions, which was a relief. 

Mentally, I had focused on reducing stress by travelling. This has been a key factor in helping me recharge and decompress. I made it a point to travel out of the country at least once a month, allowing myself the space to relax and escape the pressures of daily life. These trips have become a vital part of my routine, offering both relaxation and an opportunity to reset. For 2025, I will continue prioritising my well-being, with a focus on physical fitness and mental health, ensuring I stay balanced and healthy as I take on new challenges. 

Conclusion 

Looking back at 2024, it’s been a year of transformation, and significant change. I’ve also realised how resilient I am. The challenges I’ve faced, from a breakup to health scares and the reinvention of my career, have only made me stronger. I am excited about the opportunities that lie ahead - building a stable income through training, continuing my coaching journey, and maintaining a healthy balance between my personal and professional life. I’m ready to embrace the future with renewed purpose, confidence, and an open mind, knowing that the reinvention of 2024 has laid the foundation for the next chapter of my life.  

Happy 2025!

An interesting encounter

It had been raining heavily all evening, and I wanted to head to the nearby mall for a cup of Indian tea. There’s nothing quite like a piping hot cup of tea to warm you up on a chilly day.

On my way to the train station, I decided to use the restroom before boarding the train. As I walked into the toilet, a dazed-looking old man emerged, completely naked from the waist down. I found the sight unsettling but quickly went about my business and left the restroom. As I reached the walkway, I noticed a foreign domestic helper - later I learned she was the old man’s caretaker - frantically gesturing to the station manager for assistance. Despite the language barrier, the station manager understood her plight but, in his frustration, raised his voice, saying he couldn’t abandon his post to help. 

Sensing something amiss, I decided I couldn’t walk away without doing something. More than anything, I wanted to protect the old man’s dignity. I returned to the restroom, removed my sleeveless t-shirt, and put my jacket back on. Taking the t-shirt, I approached the old man and helped him put it on, inverting it so he could wear it like a pair of shorts. He looked confused but allowed me to help him. I then spoke to an elderly woman nearby, presumably his wife, in Teochew that the t-shirt would at least keep him covered as they make arrangements to get home. The maid explained that she had contacted the man’s son, who was on his way to fetch them. With some reassurance that help was on its way, I left them and continued toward the mall (which was one train station away). Yet, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I should do more. I decided to buy a pair of shorts for the old man. When I returned to the station, they were already gone. The station manager told me that the son had arrived and taken the old man home.

In the end, I didn’t get my tea, and I came home with a pair of oversized shorts that I’d probably never use. But I felt good knowing that, in a small way, I had been able to help preserve the old man’s dignity in a difficult moment.

Draining but meaningful

It has been an interesting and very draining past few days filled with numerous intense conversations. The following stood out:

• A friend, who had over the last many years/ months, shared about his ailing mother, texted me last Friday to tell me she's very ill. The conversation that followed was not an easy one as I had to tenderly share pointers about managing the care arrangements, navigating relationships and what he should consider when she passes on. I was glad to share what I shared. His mum had since passed on.

• Another old (perhaps my oldest) friend, shared about his mum's bad fall and how she broke her wrist and shoulder.  It came as a surprise cos his mum had been a very careful and independent person. And to hear of her fall, I can imagine how difficult it must have been for her, and for him.

• I met up with a couple of colleague turned friend turned coaching client over the last 3 days. And for some reasons, the conversations were all rather intense. But I noted that the themes were quite similar - what are the causes of their current tensions, how to define their future self, and what they must do as they navigate their journey to realise their future self. Such conversations are not easy as it requires a whole lot of EQ to call out things which, if delivered wrongly, could sound offensive.

And today is only Wednesday... I am already feeling drained, but on the other hand, I am glad I could support these friends in ways that are meaningful to them. It is also perhaps an opportune time to do so as they move towards closing this year.

Turning 58

I turned 58 yesterday. I had wanted it to be a quiet day of reflection and me-time. After all, it was to be my first birthday as a single person. But my birthday turned out to be more eventful than I thought. Here're some things that kinda shaped my birthday this year:

• I had a dinner treat from a friend on my birthday eve. I had not expect him to remember its my birthday but he did... so sweet of him. We ended the evening with a nice slow walk along the Changi Point park connector.

• I got a message from KS (a junior college friend of mine). He was my closest friend back then and we re-connected some 15-20 years ago. We have, since, exchange birthday and festive greetings annually. It always feel warm to get his messages.

• I received a "Happy Birthday" from my recent ex early in the morning. I half suspected he would do so and I graciously replied "Thank you". What I did not expect was his following message asking if I would be free for dinner this weekend. I did not reply. I may be gracious to thank him but I am not about to put myself through the experience of having to spend awkward moments with someone who chose to break off a relationship for his own self-centric reasons.

• The group of friends whom I mentioned about, the ones who gravitated to my ex after our breakup... well, they have arranged for a dinner this week. And despite turning them down politely, they have self-co-ordinated a time and insisted that I turn up for the dinner. I felt bad not to accept their invite.

• Received a large number of birthday greetings from friends, ex-colleagues, family and relatives, etc. Thankful they recalled my birthday although I must say it is not something I had expected as their wishes do not define our relationship. Then again, it just felt warm when I received their messages. 

• An ex-military colleague, whom I do not know personally, had been sending me festive and birthday greetings annually without fail. I have always been curious why he makes the effort to do so as there was absolutely no reasons to do so. Then again, I have come to the point of accepting it as a norm now.

• There were a few who did not wish me, and I felt uneasy with their silence as they had been doing so without fail over the decades. One sent a belated greeting this morning and he explained that he had been busy with his mum's funeral that happened yesterday (which I kinda suspected), another mentioned he was sick, my second sis kept quiet (and I kinda expect her to be so cos I had boycotted and avoided her over the last 3 months), etc... 

The above capped my 58th birthday. On the whole, it was a rather simple but nice and easy day with friends, hiking (and a nice birthday brunch treat) at the central catchment area, went for a medical review with my cardiologist, and had a nice evening with someone whom I just got to know not too long ago, etc. Perhaps that's what birthdays are supposed to be - no stress, just chill and do what appeals to me most.

Celebrating normality

Went for my heart review yesterday as a follow up to the scans I did 2 weeks ago. 

The review was over in just five minutes, with the senior consultant systematically running through the scan report, point by point. He concluded by congratulating me on having a heart that is functioning normally, noting that there is no blockage in the stent - or in any of the other arteries.

So yes, this is perhaps the best gift I could receive as I turn 58. It’s truly welcome news and a powerful reminder of how much we take our bodies for granted. "Functioning normally" may sound ordinary, but such normality is absolutely critical.

Hurray?

I did it!

I have passed my credential exams and am now a qualified coach! 

It's a very nice and fitting end to my "year of reinvention" where I had placed the focus on getting myself certified for a new skillset that I can leverage in the years ahead. And I supposed this is a good and nice early birthday and Christmas present for myself. Nothing beats celebrating myself at the end of the year!

Super happy about it!

I am Hulk

I am Hulk. Well, not exactly. I will not become green, bulky and gigantic when agitated; but I am currently radioactive! (although I don’t mind certain parts of my body to grow exponentially larger when emotionally charged)! Haha!

You see, I had several heart-related issues over the last quarter and the doctor ordered a myocardial perfusion imaging (MPI) scan for me. The procedure, that will be done in 2 parts, requires the injection of a small amount of radioactive chemical into my blood stream. This is to allow the blood vessels around the heart to show up with the scan is done. I had just completed the first scan today, and the second will be done on this Thursday morning. And to be cautious, I am not to interact with pregnant women and/ or children within 24-hours after the scan. 

So yes, I am radioactive! And stay away from me, at least until Friday! You wouldn’t want to experience me when I grow large (ya, right)! Lol!

Ps: but on serious note, I wonder if a person who has just gone through the scan is able to engage in sex after the procedure. And if he does, what is the risk to his sex partner, considering there will likely be exchanges of bodily fluids! Just asking :-)