bright red

i went for a jog earlier. been a while since i jogged. and perhaps it is due to the jogging and the constant "shaking" of my body, for when i returned home and pee, my urine is the colour of my blood.

now, this is a little scary... i think i should see a doctor soon and not wait until my appointment in jun 14. or perhaps, i should ask for an earlier date.

hmmm...

anniversary

1st april is the anniversary of my new job. it's been an intense one-year for me. systems are largely in place and things are running. this new year for me will be to stabilise what i have put in place and to undertake new projects in other new areas...

:-)

happy & chatty mum

yesterday, she behaved like as though the whole world was against her. and today, it seemed like nothing happened. and she was chatty and happy throughout the evening. she ate all the things i cooked for her and we went to the airport to walk about and she enjoyed herself. she even asked for other snacks to eat along the way. and many a times, she giggled over the smallest comment...

what a contrast. but this is the kind of mood swings i think i will be getting more of in the near future. just have to manage. and meantime, just enjoy the times when she's lucid and happy.

hostile mum

she was totally hostile to me today. and i was not even sure why...

then again, there was no requirement to know any reasons. she is not a normal person and thus, it was probably reasonable to say that it would be futile to try to make any logic out of her behaviour. all i could do was to talk to her nicely and asked if she was hungry, whether she wanted any food and/ or drinks. but whenever i asked, she would simply snap at me. and she would also say things like i did not tell anything to anyone. not my brothers, nor my sisters, and i am not telling you anything too! well, the words did not make any sense to me. and so i simply ignored her and just stayed by her side, quietly watching tv, as she pouted her day away. it was interesting to note that she only behaved this way to me and not to any of my siblings.

anyway, i did take my own little break in the afternoon as i retired to my room and took a long nap. woke up and she was the same grouchy person. grouchier, for that matter. the same routines of asking if she wanted food, or water, or simply to head out for a walk were repeated and each time, she would simply also routinely snap at me. admittedly, i almost lost my cool a couple of times but i managed to hold back. by about 9.45pm, she walked to the kitchen and took a couple of biscuits to eat. i guessed she felt hungry by then, but as stubborn as she was, she rejected my offer to cook something light for her. i have since given her her medication and she had retired. and as usual, she slept on the sofa in the living room.

let's see if she wakes up tomorrow a little more stabilised.

emo mum again

mum has been angry with me since i woke up this morning. and i am not sure of the reason. she has been pulling a long face, talking to me like as though i had offended her big time, refusing food, refusing to go out, etc. and i could only suspect it was becos i went out for a show last night.

anyway, i will just let her be. then again, it is very emotionally draining to have to come to term with such situations almost on an alternate day basis. always on tenterhooks. just yesterday, she was very lively and happy. and today, she is totally opposite.

perhaps it is a good time for me to just relax and sleep at home. 

it's a sunday after all.

:-)

the grand budapest hotel

watched the grand budapest hotel with bee last night.

didn't know what to expect when i bought the ticket nor when i stepped into the cinema. well, that seemed to be the way for me these days cos i have been almost totally out of touch with who's who and what's what when it comes to movies these days. so unlike the days years ago. anyway, i really enjoyed the show. the whole production was really surreal and i really loved the contrasting colours, costumes, huge hairdos, scenes that were part-real, part animated... everything simply jumped out at us almost throughout the show. such a visual treat!

it really gave me a good mental escape and break from the week's tensions, both at home and at work.

must catch it if you have not!

:-)

picture from http://www.grandbudapesthotel.com/

normal urine?

since the bad experience with bloodied urine last week, i have been drinking lots of water very consciously. other than one particular day where i was doing training and did not drink much, my urine has been normal. then again, i can't help but wonder if i still have blood in the urine except that it is not noticeable. and this was becos on that one particular day where i did training and did not drink much water, my urine was still rather bloody… 

well… let's see how it goes. can i take it that as long as my backache disappears, it should be ok?

hmmm...

old man's chicken

earlier this week, mum kept asking about macdonald's hamburgers. knowing that she wouldn't ask for anything if she does not have the desire to eat it, i decided to bring her for a macdonald's dinner. and during the dinner, she mentioned about ah pek koay bak (hokkien for old man's chicken)… i was a little confused frankly, and after a split second, it struck me - old man chicken was kfc! and she had asked about it becos there was a kfc located opposite the macdonalds restaurant where we were…

lol!

picture from http://news.tangatawhenua.com

catching up with bee

it's been almost 2 weeks since i saw bee. 

i must admit i was not happy with him for leaving the country when i was not around as we had agreed for him to look after the dog when i was overseas for work. and to make it worst he left the country with his colleagues. something that i cannot understand and have never done - go holiday with colleagues. i only holiday with people i am very close to. added to that, some of his colleagues are gay and naturally, i cannot help but wonder what the hell is going on between him and his colleagues. and as usual, these trips are over the weekend and whenever he leaves for such trips, he goes silent… and this is not the first time. in fact, it is the many many times already.

then again, understanding he needed a break from his own family issues, i didn't say anything and agreed that he should go. but i also couldn't help but feel uncomfortable about it. anyway, he came back on monday but we have not met in view of my hectic schedule through the week. coupled with that, he got himself occupied with his day-to-day issues once back. and finally today, we decided to meet for lunch given that i was not working. it was a quick lunch but frankly, my mind was not there. i was very distracted. i was still very blah over what happened with mum yesterday and its after-effects today.

sighs...

farewell email

i find it totally not cool to use another person's email as your own, especially when it contains things that might sound a tat personal. 

you see, a very senior leader in my company will be leaving end of the month and had send out a farewell email. and as i read his email, i could not help but noted the similarity between his email content and that of another colleague that left the company a short while back. and when i scrolled down the mail and saw my ex-colleague's deleted email, it became clear that this person had used my ex-colleague's farewell email for his message! in fact, he almost lifted everything from the ex-colleague's email, even the addressee list, complete with my ex-colleague's account that is not longer functioning.

this was not a good experience for me. in fact, it was an omg-moment for me cos the email suggest a great deal of hypocrisy and that he was merely going through the motion. and the message of the email was rather personal-sounding. something about learning from us, getting our support, making friends, etc. but with the realization that he had cut-and-paste the content, word-for-word, the effect on recipients was totally opposite. he might not have known it, when one reads such "reply all" via the laptop, it seemed like a new email. but through the app, everything was time stamped and the original mail (of the ex-colleague), despite being deleted, was all captured below his farewell mail! 

then again… i have never really worked with this person anyway. and for the few exchanges we had, i didn't have a good impression of him. and this farewell email capped the whole negative impression i have of him!

:-)

compulsory rest

after the almost non-stop training and workshops, i lost my voice totally. i opened my mouth to talk and nothing came out. and so i decided (finally) to head to the doctor this morning instead of work. thankfully, i regained some little ability to utter some words at the clinic but whatever came out of my mouth was very hoarse-sounding. 

the doctor made his conclusions almost immediately when he heard my screwed-up voice. checked my throat, took my temperature, checked my lungs, etc and ordered compulsory rest for me for the day. and so, i walked out of the clinic with quite a few medication… and an mc.

well… i headed to the pool for my rest. nothing beats a me-time by the pool in the sun. 

i look like a lobster now!

:-)

no more a normal person

noticed my mum's condition had worsened somewhat. the frequency of her strong reactions to people around her seemed to have increased of late. and yesterday, it was another huge incident that ended up with the whole household upside down.

you see, after throwing all the accusations at the maid and getting herself all angry, she called my second sister to complain. regrettably, my second sis refused to talk to her and had prioritised her work over my mum and cut short the conversation with mum (who was very agitated when she made the call), citing work as the reason. i learned later that mum went on to call my younger brother. and hearing about her wanting to visit the temple to pray for my second sis's children, he gave her a good solid solid trashing. scolded her for showing concern for the children, chiding her for wasting money in visiting the temple, and so on. she hung up the phone feeling even more agitated.

that kinda explained why mum was so bloody upset when she called me. i messaged my siblings to update them of mum's condition. and to ask for their understanding and to give mum the attention and to talk nicely to her. please please please do not treat her like a normal person and trash her or shut her off when she reach out to them, i half pleaded. i had to remind them again that her condition was consistent with that of a dementia patient and needed all the tender-loving-care and patience from them. but as usual… the response i get was - i can't talk to her cos i was with a client, i am very busy and she kept calling me, she is full of problems and i am not interested to talk to her.

the consistent thing i get, if i were to conclude, was that they were all not seeing and understanding things from mum's angle or at least to take mum's condition into context. and when we see things only from a self-centric angle, no further discussion is needed.

haiz...

crying maid

it was during the workshop and i did not checked my phone until 5.15pm.

i noted a missed call from mum's phone at 4.45pm. i called back and next thing i knew, mum screamed over the phone. how can a maid behave like a boss and refuse to let me go to the temple. your dad ill-treated me and now the maid is doing the same. the maid is evil, she is bad-hearted, how could a person possibly not allow a grandma to go to the temple to pray for her sick grandchildren. i want to see her husband. i want to complain to him. she went on non-stop. i tried so hard but couldn't calm her down. i felt my own temper rising but told myself to control. and since i had completed my facilitation, i rushed home straightaway.

facilitator-audience dynamics

i had an interesting day this week on tuesday when i conducted a corporate program. the experience reminded me again that a facilitator's effectiveness is also dependent on the audience. that is to say, facilitator-audience dynamics is an important factor to the success of a program.

you see, i do corporate programs for my company staff. and usually, the audience for my programs tend to be rather vocal and/ or spontaneous. and with their responses, i tend to be more candid and spontaneous too. and we ended up feeding on each other's spontaneity and the outcome is often very fun and fulfilling. but this week for the first time, i had a class that was somehow very very difficult. they were just so unresponsive and boring. and naturally, my lessons become a tat boring too. i found myself invariably becoming very much less spontaneous. all my usual examples and candid responses disappeared. and my lessons became short and sharp. and my program ended at 4.30pm, instead of the usual 5.45pm.

but surprisingly, when i looked at the training evaluation feedback, the quantitative responses didn't fare too badly compared to other programs… i will need to reflect further on this...

interesting right? 

"unfathomable" coolness

it was an interesting experience for me on the day of the conference.

by 8.15am, i have not arrived at the conference yet. and i noted that not a single person from the conference organizing department has called me. they are so bloody cool right? it is less 45 min from your start time and you have not even called me, considering i have all your slides with me.

that was the same sentiment echoed by my staff. how come they are so cool huh? cannot imagine. if i were them, i would be really panicking already! then again, i sometimes wonder if i worry too much or that the organizers themselves are just simply bo chup (couldn't care less)!

well… i had to keep reminding myself that it is not my department's conference. so i should just relax and chill. but what kept me pushing them was that it is not a matter of "their department's" conference, my company's reputation is at stake if this do not go smoothly!

sighs...

losing my voice

after the last 2 weeks of almost non-stop training, workshop and meetings, i finally lost my voice. but thankfully, i was able to last till the end of the conference, although i must say my throat consistently threaten to collapse many a times through the conference.

whew!

losing my cool

i lost my cool this week. 

there were so many pressing projects, training, workshops to be done and all of them happened altogether, back-to-back. and when such things happened, one would have thought the organizer/ co-ordinator of the event would have placed emphasis, time and effort to make sure things were co-ordinated well and executed smoothly. but this was apparently not the case.

detailed planning

or the lack of it. it was terribly upsetting to find that despite all the discussion and the agreement that there is a need for a cue table to be developed to drive a rather difficult conference, nothing was done. it became very clear on the day of the conference itself when, just 15 min before the start, and when i asked for a final brief, everyone was still rather iffy about the whole event.

take this as an example. it was close to 9am (the supposed start time of the conference). i asked for the co-ordinator to brief on what to expect and she went, at 9am, the mc (master of ceremony) will announce… i stopped her straightaway, i don't think it will happen according to the planned time looking at the number of participants who have arrived (3-4 out of 80 pax). and i asked, who is going to give the mc the cue? everyone stared at me… blank faced. errrr… on the spot, the co-ordinator answered, oh, i will do it. all things being equal, i must make sure the start of the conference go well. eventually, we started at 9.25am. 

you kinda get the sense of realism on the ground and the need for who to know who to cue who and what to cue for the event to be managed.

i see nothing of those.

scary.

what a week!

i survived this week! 

this was probably one of my toughest week in recent years. back-to-back training and meetings and had not time to do proper development work. for that matter, i only started developing my materials for the second half of my program at 1am the night before the conference. glad things turned out smoothly despite all the lack of focus on the part of the organisers! 

i am so so so bloody relieved!

:-)

bruised back

i went for a chinese traditional massage (推拿 or tuī ná) earlier to sort out my strained neck and tight back. here's how my back look like after the massage. well, the redness was due to the 刮痧 (guā shā) treatment that i agreed to as part of the massage. and the round red patches were due to the moxibustion cups that were applied to the back to "suck out the wind".

:-)

ps: picture taken by my 3-yr old niece

wrong sounding text

i went for my chiro treatment today and one of the key issue i had to clear was my bad back and strained neck. as the muscle around the neck was all totally knotted, he referred me to a traditional chinese massage first. he explained that it would be best to sort out the muscles or else it would be very difficult further the chiro treatment. as a follow-up, i arranged for my next chiro treatment on this coming monday. i eventually went for the massage and it was one hell of experience (will write about this in subsequent post). this is the context of our whatsapp conversation below… (he text is reflected in white, and mine green)

haha!

siu mai

i almost burst out laughing when i saw this signage for the dish during breakfast. of course, the literal word for word chinese to english translation is correct. but that is not how it is supposed to be done. the dish is simply - beef wonton or beef dumplings!

lol!

lung function tests

just completed my metacholine challenge test.

indeed as the name suggest, it was very challenging! i had to forcefully blow hard into a machine and empty my lungs of all the air (just like what i did for the spirometry test last week). and i had to do it for some 10-12 times under different conditions/ concentrations of metacholine! it was such hard work! never blow so many times and with such might before in my life. it was really exhausting cos the metacholine served to constrict my air way and make the blowing difficult. and i had to repeat it again and again! by the third round, i was already panting, my chest was uncomfortable and my heart racing. the lab technician who administered the test decided to stop the test and to take my blood pressure, my pulse rate and my spo2 levels! and after resting for a while, she continued to make me repeat the test.

but i think i pass the blowing test with flying colors!

:-)

hospital calls

was in china and constantly keep getting calls from the hospital.

found it rather irritating frankly to be disturbed by them. first, it was the doctor who called and kept telling me that i could bring mum home. i had to repeatedly explain that i was overseas. and then there was the ward nurse that called a few times to ask about the frequency of her medication. 

and what irritated me was the fact that in both cases, i had explained the details to the doctor and nurse the day before. it was clear to me that the inputs was not communicated when they change shift. and to make things worst, because i was in china, the line could not connect and i had to call back. and when i call back, the line would be engaged and i had to call umpteen times before they would answer. 

and to have to do this amidst all the training… 

not cool!

one more week

well, one week of hectic schedule had passed. 

one more week to go. next week will be as challenging, if not more. two full-day training, and one full day workshop. have not developed the workshop materials… and my boss has already been chasing me to have a couple of other meetings… no more capacity.

well… as i have mentioned, i will be a very happy person by the end of next week!

:-)

anxious mum

to have to consistently entertain calls from the hospital is already bad enough. then i have to also contend with mum calling me and asking what i was doing. her anxiety over my absence is terrible. even my staff likens her to "a very jealous and possessive girlfriend".

sighs…

bad shoulder

for the past four five days, my shoulder has been killing me. there's this stabbing pain and it refused to go away. and the pain was very debilitating too! my sleep would be disrupted as i would be jolt out of my sleep when i turn as the pain would just hit me. need to head to my chiropractor to get it sorted out tomorrow…

let's hope he can help me!

bloody urine

two days ago, i woke up and went to the toilet to pee. and for a moment i thought i saw reddish urine coming out. i couldn't confirm as i wasn't wearing my contact lenses and simply dismissed it. and then yesterday, the same thing happened.

this time round, i took that extra effort to take a closer look. true enough, the urine was reddish. deep red for that matter. it reminded me of the times couple of years back when i had the same experience. at that time, i was made to go through the cystocopy. needless to say, to have some scope inserted through your urethra… that was a really horrible experience. 

i hope not to go through this again. i have started drinking as much as possible for now. and since then, my urine has been rather normal looking. let's hope it clears up and stays this way!

fulfilling trip

smooth flight, great crew, cool weather, hospitable people, 5-star hotel, interesting food, enthusiastic learners, enjoyable training experience...

was indeed a very hectic but fulfilling trip!

glad to be back!

miss blog & fb

there was no blogger and no facebook in china!

totally forgot about it until i was there. and as per my usual habit, i tab onto my facebook and blogger link and… 

totally missed blogging and facebooking. didn't realize how clicking onto my these pages has become so much a habit/ part of me!

is that good? or bad?

hmmm...

painful little toe

about 3 weeks ago on a saturday, i kicked the leg of my bed frame inadvertently as i walked into the room. the hit was so hard i had to squat down for a moment. i was wincing in pain! but of course, after a minute or so, the pain on my right small toe became a lot more tolerable and i didn't really bothered about it. this despite the fact that the right small toe had swell up by almost 50%. i didn't really notice the pain through the weekend.

monday came and i happily wore my work leather shoes. and next thing i knew, i was grimacing in pain again. my right small toe was so painful i had to limp to work. it was really bad. and i had to end up not wearing my shoe and walk around in my socks the whole day. i decided to wear flip flops to and during work for a couple of days after that. 

as of today, the pain is still there. the pain may get a lot worst when i wear my leather shoes over a prolong period of time. otherwise, if i leave my right small toes in the open, i do not actually feel the pain. well, what became clear to me after the first initial few days was that i had had a fracture on my right small toe.

and from what i know and what i have observed of people who fractured their small toes, there is really nothing the doctors can do about it. all they can advise is - rest and don't wear shoes… and that is what i am doing. most of the time.

:-)

as predicted

got a call from mum… no, got 6 missed call from her this afternoon while i was at work. hurriedly, i returned the call. and she went, i wanna see our family doctor, i am very uncomfortable and i wanna die already. ok, here we go again, i thought. and she went on non-stop about her discomfort and how terrible she felt, legs aching, body weak, voice getting hoarse, not passing motion despite being given the suppository, etc etc etc.

i held my breathe and controlled myself. and then i told her i will rush home to sent her to the doctor. and i excused myself from work. she had not arrived home from the rehab center yet when i arrived at my place and decided to head up to the house to drop my work stuff in the house. that was when she called again. i am downstairs already. you can come down now. we made our way to the hospital right away. we arrived, she was wheeled into the triage area, i parked my car, made my way back to the triage area… 

such a process had become all too routine for me. this is the ninth (?) time over the last 8 months if i remember correctly. in no time, the nurses did an ecg on her. and within the hour, the critical care doctor came out. what exactly happen to her? the doctor asked. and after all my explanation, she opined that there was nothing seriously wrong with her. true, she has a little whizzing and a little bit of exacerbation. but otherwise, she is very fine and can be discharged.

i had expected this to be the case and the feedback confirmed my suspicion that mum was basically playing up all the imaginary illness due to her anxiety over my departure to china to work tonight. i describe the situation with the doctor and after discussing the limited options available, she agreed that admitting mum would probably be the best option. all things being equal, mum would at least be able to get some professional care during my 3-day absence. 

sighs… what a waste of time. all the work that could have been completed if not for this nonsense. and all the co-ordination gone to waste, considering it was she who had asked to stay at my brother's place. and now with her in hospital, the maid also volunteered to stay with her throughout. the maid said it would be a better option for she knows that mum would suspect her of stealing things and ransacking the house when left alone.

for now, she seemed settled down. 

sighs… 

humility

i was having my breakfast yesterday morning at the canteen. there were 2 men seated near me and they were talking loudly. this was how part of the conversation went. one guy said: i am one who cannot be humble. how to be humble? no matter how i try, i can't. it comes out so unnatural.

hmmm... what a weird thing to say! difficult to be humble?

from one angle, i thought, be authentic, be real. don't do something that you are not. but then again, from another angle, i cannot understand how a person cannot be humble. easiest way is to keep your mouth shut. no?

well, my mind easily gets into this reflective mode over such mundane things. decided to just eat my breakfast and ignore the conversation.

haha!

trifluoperazine

yup, trifluoperazine. that is the medication given to mum. 1mg dosage. and it knocked her out very quickly. i didn't realize it's almost immediate effect until this evening - the third day of administering this medication.

i gave her the medication at about 9.30 and within 15min, she said she wanted to head to bed. and by 10.30pm, she was totally asleep. usually when i leave the house for my run, i would just call out to her and inform her that i am leaving. and she would simply acknowledge and head back to sleep. this evening, when i called out to her,  there was totally no response. and the maid told me, ah ma sleeping already. well, that was really fast for usually, she would toss and turn and not fall asleep till about an hour later, and even then, her sleep would be very light and she would wake up by 2am, or 3am latest. 

reflecting, she complained of "wanting to fall sick" yesterday and the night before, didn't sleep well. but last night, she retired by 9pm and slept soundly after that. she woke up at 4am, a total of 8 hours of sleep! kinda amazing if you ask me. but i have a little apprehension. and i am monitoring any side effects. for a start, i have noticed her voice has gotten a little hoarse today. she said it was cos she felt "heaty" inside. i also noted she has started to constipate. not too sure if her constipation is related to the new medication cos i also noted that over the last 2 days when she visited my brother, there was hardly any vegetables in the meals. and that by itself could have caused the constipation. apart from these, her spo2 and her pulse had been rather stable. hmmm… 

i donno. will just have to continue to observe. will administer the suppository tomorrow to aid her bowel movement. hope that clears the "heatiness" that she complains about.

anti-histamines

decided to take a tab of chlophenylamine/ puriton last night before bed. thought it'll help clear my sinus and aid my sleep at the same time. well, it worked! of cos, i still had a nightful of weird dreams that threatened to wake me up but didn't. woke up at 5.30am and decided to sleep again... finally woke up for good at 6.50am. 

and woohhhh! i had terribly puffed up eyes and eye bags!

usual outcome of puritons to me.

ha!

lightning!

heh… over the last hour, i completed developing an activity for my program tomorrow. it was something that i had promised the top man in my company i would do last week but had not done. also, i managed to complete designing the slide template for my china program slides. with this done, i would simply apply it to all the content that i had developed previously and insert a few case studies and i am done! will do that in the next 2 days and i should be ready for china!

surprised by how fast i managed to do it!

weeee… 

:-)

加油

with all the things in my mind now, i can only say this to myself…

haha… am i showing signs of panic?

whatever…

picture from http://s369.photobucket.com

dilemma

i have observed this pattern about mum whenever she is aware i will be heading overseas for work. a few days before i leave, she would complain of sickness/ wanting to fall sick. and she would start to behave badly. at times, it can come across as attention-seeking, while other times, it would turn real.

and it is happening again. i can't sleep over the last few days. i think i am falling sick. i felt warm last night. my whole body is aching. things taste so blend to me... her complains have started to come in. deja vu. on the other hand, these are the things that i cannot ignore. i cannot assume she is trying to seek attention. and even if they are psychological in nature, there is always a real possibility that her complains become real.

never like to be caught in such situations. it always pose constant dilemmas to me as to whether i should send her in to the hospital or not. and if i don't, whether she will end up falling sick in the next 2 days. if she does, i might have to end up canceling my trip. and if she doesn't, i will still end up worrying about her well-being. and this time round, i do not feel good about it...

wtf!

rain!

at long last, after almost 2 months of no rain (which is the longest spell in the country over the last century and a half), the rain finally came! and it rained with a vengeance! such a great relief for many! it's been too long. all the trees, grass, epiphytes etc had been dried up. and with the haze and the smell, it felt like as though the country is on fire! i texted some of my friends and interestingly, one said that there were people at macdonalds running around and feeling excited about the rain; and a few were even snapping away pictures of the rain as it fell!

very nice!

rise of the empire

watched rise of the empire last night with bee. as expected, it was superbly gory. lots of blood splashing, heads detached from the bodies, still with blood dripping from the neck, stabling, slashing, etc. and being a person who dislike gore, i invariably found myself closing my eyes whenever there was close combat throughout the show. other than that, the story itself was not too bad. also, it was interesting how the story was scripted such that it occurred at the same time the story in the movie 300 unfolded. there were even attempts to weave in one or two scenes from 300! thought it was nicely done. and similar to 300, the production was created in the same dark dreamy feel. at times, it was kinda distracting, but then again, such an effect seemed appropriate given the dark and gloom that was featured constantly throughout the show.

i have read many reviews about the show before watching it. and many mentioned about the one thing that stood out - beefcake galore. yes, there were lots and lots of half-naked men in every scene. and all the men seemed to have that broad shoulders, superbly developed deltoids, rock hard chest, oh-my-god abs and big bulges. totally unrealistic if you ask me. and with this overdosage of testosterone, any possibility of eroticism quickly dissipated after the first two scenes. not surprisingly, there were a few scenes of bouncing (woman's) breasts as well as scenes of violent sex. for the latter, one was that of men raping woman and another featuring both the male and female lead engaging in an almost s&m-like sex. so, viewers were treated to scenes of woman-on-top, man-on-top, strangling, ripping of clothes, thrusting, and so on. but i must say, the sex scenes were graphic but totally not erotic (at least not to me) given the tensions of enmity between the two persons and the real possibility of the man being killed on the spot.

:-)

managing my program

i mentioned in january how during the programs about corporate culture that i conduct, people had the tendency to use me as a target to ventilate, to throw their angst and dissatisfaction with their bosses. since then, i had experimented with different ways to minimize putting myself in such a position. and i think i am moving in the right direction!

i also noticed that most of the time, this ventilation happened during the start of the program when i tried to get my program participants to share with me their learning objectives. you see, for all my programs, i strongly believe in getting my learners to share with me their learning objectives. to me, what is important is that i focus on their learning needs rather than my training objectives. and i noted that it was during this period that all the tensions surface. 

initially, i had kept the activity and tried changing my tact when clarifying their learning objectives. but it didn't go well enough and i still end up with the same bad experiences. so for the last two programs, i tried removing this activity altogether. but to ensure i meet their learning needs, i simply take the efforts to ask the class more regularly whether what i have covered was clear enough for them. in addition, i made the efforts to iterate that if they have any queries about corporate statements, they should direct them to their bosses as corporate statements should be collectively owned by all leaders and not me/ my department. i had framed this as an on-going conversation that needs to be address collectively if there are areas that are not clear.

this technique seemed to work well. 

:-)

new medications

went to the mental institute last week to update the doctor about mum's mental health and told him about mum's increased suspicion of the maid. he listened intently, thought for a while and after a while, told me to increase the dosage of the medication. in addition, he prescribed a new medication to be administered if her behavior did not improve after a week. 

that was what i did. i have increased the dosage but her condition did not improve. in fact, her worsening behavior and suspicions of the maid was clearly demonstrated last week. and last night, i gave her this new medication. am not sure if it is really because of this medication, but her behavior this morning was really different. not only did she not show any hostility towards the maid, she was actually quite normal and happy, for that matter.

will continue to administer this medication to her for the next 2 days and hopefully her condition stabilize and does not create issues for my brother's family when she stays with them.

fingers crossed.

worsening behavior

mum's mental health took a turn for the worst last week. other than her increased forgetfulness, her suspicions of the maid had also increased.

what happened was that on wed evening when i returned from work, i found dinner's rice cooked. quite unusual cos lately i had been the one who did the cooking as she refused to eat what the maid cooked. and mum was not in her usual spot at the sofa watching tv. i called out to her and found her lying in my bed. she told me she didn't want to eat dinner. i queried about the pot of rice and she said she cooked it. but she didn't want to eat it as she saw the maid (she used some hokkien expletives to refer to the maid) putting in some "stuff" into it. she was convinced that the rice has been compromised and that if she eats it, she would be harmed.

i walked out and asked the maid what happened. here's what she said (which i believe). ah ma told me that she wanted to cook the rice and gone ahead to wash the rice and placed the pot on the stove. ah ma had put more than half a pot of water for the little rice she washed. i told her about it but she ignored me. so i took the pot and poured off some water cos if not the rice would be too soft. then ah ma got angry.

it was most unfortunate. anyway, i told the maid never to touch anything that mum cooked. if she had put in too much water, we could simply eat porridge. there was no need to insist on rice and pour the water off. i also found out that mum had asked the maid to turn on the stove for her.

i had to correct the situation and iterate a few points to mum. i threw away the pot of rice, put in new rice grains, showed it to mum that i am cooking a new pot. that sorted out the issue of "poisoned" rice. next, i queried mum firmly about why she did the cooking. i had time and again iterated to her not to cook and to leave all cooking to me. specifically, i had not allowed her to touch the stove. i have explained to her that many home accidents related to gas poisoning and/ or explosions in houses were related to elderly persons forgetting to turn off the stove fire. i asked mum who turned on the stove and she insisted it was her. i then made her demonstrate to me how she did it. naturally, she couldn't cos i had not taught her how to do it before. following that, i very firmly told her never to go near the stove anymore. she got my point well and clear.

it was quite challenging to have to do all the cooking after work, and her behavior made this a lot worst.  nonetheless, what came clear to me was that her suspicions of the maid had worsened.

sighs….

"i am scared"

i told mum about my upcoming visit to china last week. and once again, her anxiety is beginning to show. the usual asking of lots of questions, the usual increased forgetfulness, and the insomnia. and this morning, she repeated the same questions again… when are you going overseas? you going to malaysia right? what time will you be leaving?

and then she said, i want to go and stay at your brother's place. i am scared. i don't want to stay alone in this house. when you are not around, there is no man in the house and i am afraid of being alone. i don't want to go to the rehab center. i want to call the rehab center manager and tell her i don't want to go there…

well, it came out of no where and i must admit my initial reaction was one of disappointment and tension. i had made preparations for her for this visit and have also arranged for my sis to come over the cook for her during my absence. but well, i didn't let my tensions show. i simply told her that i will make the adjustments and send her to my brother's place on tuesday evening after work.

with this development, i have gotten busy again rearranging things. let's hope things don't go awry like it did the last time she stayed there…

over-confident?

expecting a super a hectic fortnight ahead. even my chief asked me if i am over-stretching myself. so many things to conduct and so many materials to prepare and develop. two major events stood up. firstly, the training in china this coming week and secondly, the workshop in the following week. 

for the training in china, it will be done on thursday. although the topics have been developed, i have not done done the final step of reviewing the materials and contextualizing it to the chinese audience. to do so, i need to use local examples and case studies for the program. also, i need to research about the local culture and the people from there. i need to do this to allow me to better connect with the participants and to make the training more meaningful for everyone. as for the workshop, it will involve about 80 pax and they come from all over asia pacific. again, i have not developed the materials other than coming out with the broad program topics.

so, here i am. merely a couple of days from the event and not totally prepared. admittedly, i have given myself some time to prepare but the progress has been totally slow. apart from doing a lot of thinking and framing, i have not really gone into the handwork of developing and assembling my materials. and i ask myself why am i not panicking yet? i do wonder why this lackadaisical attitude? why am i procrastinating? am i being over-confident? 

i donno. it is true that i have never failed to rise to any occasions when it comes to training. that every time i am faced with such challenges, i will always deliver and deliver very well. and somehow, my materials will be ready when the time comes. 

but this time round, i am even surprised with myself…

let's see how…

hectic times

i will be a very very relieved person two weeks from now.

my schedule for next two weeks are totally packed to the brim. this coming week, i will be conducting a one-day training monday, 2 medical appointments on tuesday and will be in china from wednesday to friday. and next week, similarly, i have to conduct day-long trainings on monday and tuesday, a department discussion on wednesday and to conduct a network-wide workshop for some 80 pax on thursday. and with so many things on my plate, i am still required to do my daily work and, not to mention, develop the materials for the china training and the workshop...

i will be totally dead beat when friday comes two weeks later! arghhh…

wish me luck!

mystery of mh370

it's been more than a week since mh370 disappeared. and from najib's statement yesterday, the mystery deepens. it seemed like someone had hijacked the aircraft (although najib did not use the term hijack per se). the attention has been redirected to investigating the background of the crew and passengers. search and locate operations in the south china seas has also been stopped.

it is also interesting to see all the reactions of different people through the week. naturally for the relatives and friends of the passengers and crew, it was a difficult period. it must have been really heart wrenching to have to wait in vain for any leads in the investigations, that many a times led to no where. and i can also empathize with the malaysian authorities in handling this challenging situations.

worst of all, i can see lots of unconstructive comments by many everywhere. too many people come across as being nothing more than smart alecs or worst still, wet blankets. sighs, its very sad to have such people, but i do recognize that they exist. this world will be so much a better place if they do not exist. then again…

i simply wish the investigators all the best and continued strength for the friends and families of those affected.

sinus drying up

it's been almost two weeks since i started the daily course of sinus nasal pump, and medications for stomach bloatedness. seemed to be working rather well… my nose is drying up and the tendency to cough is much less. i guess the doctors are right in their diagnosis. nonetheless, will be going through the series of tests this week.

let's see how things go.

:-)

mandarin

i will be heading to china to deliver my program next week! this training had been delayed since last month.

and after agreeing on the date and settling the administration etc, the request came in - can you do it in mandarin? or better still, cantonese... errrr... so now, admin all settled, but trainer not prepared, nor capable!

arghhhhh...

mh370

an mas plane, mh370, disappeared over the weekend and there has still been no signs of the plane. from the looks of it, it seemed like it had crashed into the sea and all 239 of the people on board perished. when i first heard of this news, i felt sad. it reminded me of the year 2000 when sq006 crashed in taipei, taiwan; and also of silkair mi185 when it crashed into the muss river, indonesia in the late '90s.

i was an executive in sia cargo when sq006 crashed. when the news came in, the mood of the whole company was really down. the days that followed were really difficult time for all of us. but we did what we needed to do and within a day or two, we got the control center up and running. many of us volunteered to man the place 24/7. and we got ourselves totally organized within 2 days. i must say that for many of the guys involved, it was kinda second nature cos the whole set-up and sops of routine reporting etc were all so similar to how we were drilled while we were in the army. and efficient as we were, the management of the crash and the people involved was really difficult. we experienced the best and the worst of human nature. there were heroes who came forward to offer assistance unconditionally as there were people who tried to exploit the situation by claiming they were relatives of victims in their attempts to claim the goodwill compensations offered. it was tough handling such people as we tried to verify their details. we were so glad all of us got through the ordeal well. i believed sia got out of the incident a lot stronger and a lot more prepared to handle any incident since.

as the search and recover missions continue, i do pray that the family members and friends of all those affected remain strong and that there can be a good closure for everyone. it is one thing to lost a loved one in an incident like this, but it is a totally different thing if the plane is not found and there is no closure at all.