Jakarta

Had just returned from a 3-day trip to Jakarta. It's a short but nice trip. It gave me the mental break that I really required. This time round, I managed to see up close a few places that I had previously drove by. These include the National Monument, the national mosque as well as the Chinatown market. Took the chance to also pay a visit to Kota Tua (Old Town), Plaza Indonesia and Grand Indonesia. Thing about Indonesia is that it is a huge archipelago and its a very complex society with lotsa different culture, races, and religions. And because of that, I always get to see different perspectives of Indonesia whenever I visit the country. It's no different this time.

managing health

"Aging is such a bitch"...

A friend said two days ago when I wished him Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha. I can so totally connect with what he said as I myself have been experiencing all sorts of aging-related issues these days. You see, I went for my routine body check-up last month and my doctor suggested that I go through a series of checks to manage my current health issues. 

For a start, he ordered a sleep test for me to manage my insomnia and sleep apnea. I will be doing the test later this month and for now, I have to flush my nasal cavity twice a day and apply the nasal spray in order to manage my nasal back drip. This is to minimise nose blocks and hopefully aid my sleep. I have also started my physiotherapy to strengthen my legs and later, my core. This is to manage my backache, that has been getting worst by the days. Will be heading to the heart clinic to review my heart issues later this month too.

I've never experienced all these issues all at once before and almost everything seemed to flare up over the last 2 years. So, yeah, I agree with my friend. "Aging is a bitch". But I supposed, aging will come regardless. Just have to embrace it gracefully and live my life happily. Or at least, make the best out of it.

:-)

Monthly trips

Have been able to maintain my monthly travel plans thus far! These trips may be short but importantly they do provide me the much needed mental break from work. For some reasons, I can only sleep well when I’m overseas. Once home, I get insomnia and I wake up frequently through the night. I can only suspect it’s work-related stress...

This year, for some reasons, I feel tensions and stress across the department. And people can be a little uncooperative and rude at times. The recent high turnover of good people and bosses didn't help at all given that these are the people I have to work with in my daily course of work.

Hopefully things will smoothen out.

Jul 2019 Shows

These are the shows I watched in Jul 19...

• Crayon Shin-chan Honeymoon Hurricane: The Lost Hiroshi (3.5)
• Spider-Man: Far From Home (4)
• Toy Story 4 (4)
• Lion King (4)
• Doraemon Nobita's Chronicles of the Moon (3.5)
• Coco (4)
• Mission impossible: Rouge Nation (3.5)

Reviewing trips & locations

I’ve been reviewing trips and locations in Tripadvisor for a couple of months now. Good place to serve as my travel-log and also capture my opinions about the places I experienced and the food I ate. 

Getting used to... life goes on...

Will you be embarrassed if someone, who is your leader and/ or represents you, consistently conducts himself/ herself in a manner that is inconsistent with your values?

I will.

Yet on the other hand, I know I have no choice given that he/ she is in the position and I will just ignore and distant myself away from him/ her and not associate myself with his actions/ words. It’s not a pleasant thing to do. But I acknowledged such people exists and I supposed, over time, I have to get used to them.

I do not enjoy being in such a position but...

Life goes on.

Insomnia

...

Highly Irritable Me

Of late, I noticed:

• I am highly irritable and impatient
• I get pissed off with people and things around me
• I have mood swings
• I am often misunderstood 
• I feel depressed
• I don't feel like doing anything
• I am losing control of things
• I feel helpless
• I feel trapped
• I want to go overseas badly
• I don't enjoy my life
• I feel that life has no meaning and purpose
• I don't want to talk
• I want company, yet
• I want to be alone in my own thoughts
• I want attention and people to pamper me
• I feel overwhelmed by and under-supported at work
• ...

Ok, just venting... hoping for this phase to pass... too consumed by the “I”s. Not good. Perhaps, I am just burned out and I need a very very very long break - a break away from Singapore and with people I want to be with.

Aging Doctor

I've seen Dr Kong for as long as I can recall. I also understood from my late-mum that he operated on me when I was 5 years old. That was almost 5 decades ago. Dr Kong runs a clinic in Marine Parade since 1974 and he's been well-regarded by many in the neighbourhood for his friendliness. He has, over the years, seen many families and has earned the title of "family doctor" for many. Many continued to return to Marine Parade to see him even after they moved out of the estate. I am one of them. 

Dr Kong is in his 80s now. In recent times, I noticed his increasing frailty. He still runs his clinic but occasionally, his son, who is also a medical practitioner, will stand in for him. I also suspect his memory is beginning to fail him. He now shows signs of forgetfulness. And I say that because I went to see him over the weekend and instead of addressing me by my English name (like how he had done over the last 5 decades), he addressed me by my chinese name (as shown in my medical record card). It was weird. I related this incident to the clinical assistant and they also shared that this happened to another lady patient.

Signs of time and aging.

Want to vs Have to

Do things for people because you want to and not because you have to... Some thing to think about. Another way to look at it is - Do what you want, but make people feel you mean it.

Hmmmm...

Reflections

得到的未必是好的

丢掉的未必是坏的

Moths - bearer of ill omens

I am not a superstitious person but for some reasons or coincidences, I've come across many stories about moths and how their appearances often coincide with bad things. For example, ever since I was a small boy, my mum had related to me about how moths appeared when my grandparents passed on. The same happened almost yearly during their death anniversary. I heard the same story from my aunts... and the storyline was quite similar. And this week, a close friends' dad passed on. When I visited the wake, the family members told me how they felt uneasy when a moth appeared in their house and refused to leave. Instead, the moth flew around and found its place at the family altar. That very night, the dad passed on...

Coincidence? 

New Car

I have finally purchased a new car. It's a Cerato 1.6L SX. Expected delivery is something between Aug - Oct 2019. And for the first time since I started driving, I decided to get a striking red coloured car. Just nice to replace my current car as it will hit the 10-year deadline come Jan 2020. 

:-)

picture from https://www.cyclecarriage.com/sg/kia/cerato

Free of Housing Loans

I have finally signed the document to clear my housing loans... now, its the waiting game for the legal documents to be done and I'll be free of the loans! It's been 30 years (plus-minus one or two) and it is really good to be debt free (expected sometime Sep 19).

:-)

Movies 2019

Here are the movies I've watched over the last half year. I think there are a few more but I cannot recall them all...

Jun

X-men: Dark Phoenix

Men in Black: International 

May

Capernaum (Arab movie)
Pokémon Detective Pikachu

The Hustle

A Dog's Journey

Godzilla: King of the Monsters

Apr

Shazam

Hellboy

Avengers: Endgame

Mar

Captain Marvel

Hotel Mumbai

Dumbo

Feb

Alita: Battle Angel

How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World

Cold Pursuit

Jan

The Kid Who Would Be King
Glass 

(and one more japanese anime)

and here are some of the movies I forgot to blog about in 2018...

• Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse
• Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald
• Ralph Breaks the Internet
• Venom
• The House with a Clock in Its Walls
• Mission Impossible: Fallout

Penang trip

Made a trip to Penang over the last weekend. As usual, it was focused on eating the different Penang hawker fare. I was reminded again of how the hawker culture Penang and Singapore started off quite similarly decades ago and how they had evolved differently through the years.

For Penang, many are still hawking their fares along the roadsides and cooking using wood/ charcoal. Patrons would sit by the roadside and the whole feel is very festive. Interestingly, I do not see many hawkers selling malay food and so such streetside culture is somewhat rather Chinese-centric. (I am sure there are non-Chinese hawkers, but in the few places I visit, they are largely Chinese). Nonetheless, the hawker scene has become somewhat a tourist attraction and many tourists, including those from Singapore, and even China. Much of the old world charm had been retained.

For Singapore, such streetside hawkers are no longer in existence. They have been centralised and licensed and now sell their food in well ventilated hawker centers that are fitted with taps, toilets etc. Almost all hawker centers has Muslim and Non-Muslim sections that sell all sorts of food - Chinese, Indian, Malay, Western, etc. Such multi-ethnic combination is a result of policies to bring communities together and to promote community interactions. Things are very orderly and over the years, hawker centers have become a very effective community space that attracts and bring communities together.

Same years ago, different now. Such, I believe are the outcomes of different systems.

Potable water

It's interesting to note a Malaysian residing Singapore telling another visiting Singapore that "you can drink water direct from the tap". I think many Singaporeans have taken this fact for granted...

Old practices - for your protection

This is a random post...

As a boy, my mum would bring me to the temple regularly and whenever she did so, she’d bring back a talisman. Then she’d fill a glass with water, hold the talisman over it and burn the talisman. She would hold the burning talisman until it nears her finger and drop the burned ashes into the glass of water. She would then stir the glass of ashes in water and make me drink the content...

Trust you me - the content tasted horigible!!! And I never failed to protest. And of cos, she’d insist that it's for my own good cos after drinking it, I will be blessed and will be protected from all sorts of evil. “Peng peng an an” (Hokkien for peace) she would call out loud... And she’d reward me with some sweets once I swallowed all the content... Superstitious practises of the older generation. But it was certainly borne of noble intent. It's kinda sweet, thinking back. And I doubt people do such things anymore.

:-)

Iku-iku iku-iku

I was waiting to see the doctor and decided to google some Japanese words that I come across quite often. And I found out that "hontoni" means "really", "kimochi" means "shiok" aka "I'm feeling good". And finally, "iku iku" means "I'm going"... that means Japanese scream "I'm going" when they're cumming.

Wonder where this confusion in directions come from.

Hmmm...

Vesak Day 2019 (Vesak 2563)

I commemorate Vesak 2019 (Vesak 2563) by myself this year. I am in the queue for the 3-step-1-bow ceremony and it certainly feels different. Very different indeed, and with a sense of loss. Commemorating this ritual over the last decade plus had been eventful and involved quite a few people... but not this year.

Have to move along with times. Have to remind myself again that the rituals I undertake as I commemorate this holy day is a personal commitment to my faith and not becos of any specific persons or friends. I had vowed to undertake the 3-step-1-bow ritual since 1990 after successfully graduating with good results and I have not stopped since. I will keep this commitment for as long as my body allows me to. I am really not sure how much further my body can withstand the physical nature of this activity. Last year, I almost suffered heat exhaustion towards the end of the ceremony and had to be helped by people around me. Hopefully, things will be well tonight. I am alone and have to remind myself to take things a step at a time, and to stop if I feel unwell.

Blessed Vesak to one and all. May this day be a reflective one for everyone as we commit and cultivate ourselves to be better human beings, and strive to achieve Enlightenment.

With Metta 🙏🏻

It’s an age thing?

Lately, a long time friend of mine was warded for minor op. Apparently, the doctors found a small growth on his throat and advised him to remove it. And that was what he did. A biopsy was done and it was confirmed that it's cancerous. A second op was arranged to remove his thyroid immediately and after a week, he was discharged.

I was quite affected when I learned about this development. I had known him since 1980 and he has never had any issues with his health. For that matter, he has never been hospitalised! So this sudden development took me by surprise. Added to this, I visited my second sis and found her hands and legs  covered with raw sores. Apparently, the sores had started appearing since Jan 19 and has now spread to her whole body. The only area that is still not affected is her face. The doctors had ran quite a few tests but found nothing. They just couldn't make sense out of it!

It's not pleasant, but I can only conclude that people my age/ generation are falling ill... and of cos, it didn't help that coincidentally the papers published an article about how people in my generation are generally weaker compared to that of my parents generation - judging from the number of people that suffers 3 or more chronic illness.

Signs of times. I must brace myself for more such news and personally, I must remind myself to face aging bravely and just embrace whatever comes by.

Bring it on!

Impressions of Xiamen

We visited Xiamen over the May holidays and it was crazy! Didn't realise it was also China's golden week where all Chinese were given 4 days off. Anyway, decided to visit Xiamen to have a first hand experience of Fujian province - where my ancestors came from. My mental picture of laid back villages and filthy streets was totally wrong when I came face to face with a modern clean city bursting with colours and life!

But I must say the overall experience was less than perfect. You can imagine the crowds that we experienced at every nooks and corners. It was the May holidays and the in-country migration of local tourist was at its peak. Some of the places we visited include the Zhongshan shopping street, Hu Li Fort, Xiamen University, Nanputuo temple, Xiamen Railway Cultural Park, Cat Alley, Coffee Street, Gulangyu Island, etc. And at all these places, we were subjected to crowds pushing their ways around and screaming their heads off.

We also made a trip further out to Zhangzhou Nanjing where we visited the World Heritage sites Hakka Tianluokeng Tulou villages and the Yun Shui Yao ancient town (a town that existed since the Ming dynasty)... The sights were really interesting and the views were at times stunning.

But as I said, the crowds really dampened the whole experience, especially when the locals spoke loudly and their social habits are not what I am used to... nonetheless, the 5-day break was a good one - not just from the stress of work, but also from the terribly hot weather back in Singapore.

Looking forward to my next trip!

Genting Highlands

Took a trip to Genting Highlands over the last weekend and wow, the place had changed so much I couldn't recognise!

The last time I was there in 1984, there was only one hotel and it was mostly forested. I also recalled a huge lake that had an arch formed by two giant brontosaurus. The lake and the brontosaurus are not there anymore. Today, there are so many hotels, theme parks and the place is so so bloody crowded! And I'm not sure if it's me or it's true - that the place is not as cool. One of the deepest impression I had of Genting was waking up in the morning to see thick clouds below the hotel. It felt magical, really like we were in the heavens. But I don't see such sights today, possibly because my hotel this time round was not right on top of the mountain.

Anyway, it was an eye opener and I supposed what I saw and experienced are signs of time. I mourn the lost of all the calm, peace and unadulterated nature.

Bad Road Behaviours

I really suspect this bad road behaviour is only found in Singapore, judging from the frequency of me experiencing it - it's rushing forward to deny someone from filtering when he/ she signals his/ her intent, or worst - bullying a person after he had successfully filtered. It's very frustrating. And whenever it happened to me, I will never give up the chance to respond to the person. This uncle is ok to take the challenge. Here's what happened today... 

I was on the expressway heading home. I was in the middle lane and as the car in front of me was a tat slow, I decided to overtake it. I checked my rear mirror and noted there was a car a distance back. The car was travelling at a speed that was about the same as mine. I decided it was safe to filter and signalled my intent. And once I did so, the driver of the car increased his speed. As he was quite a distance away, I managed to successfully filter out. He was still a couple of car lengths behind me. He must have felt unhappy for he started flashing his high beam at me repeatedly as he picked up speed even more and began tailgating me. He continued flashing his high beam as he did so... wtf! 

I didn't take such behaviours lightly. It was not like as though I had filtered and cut into his path dangerously at near proximity. And after filtering successfully, I was not even road hogging - I was going at slightly more than 100kmph! So I did what I thought would make him stop his bullying - I stepped onto my brake hard (hard enough to scare the person but in a controlled manner to avoid a collision). My action was aimed at startling him and I knew I achieved my aim for his car pulled away from me very quickly. But once he recovered from his startle, his bullying continued.  He picked up speed again and kept quite close to me. I continue tapping my brake and, in the process, slowed down to almost 70kmph. By now, he knew I was not to be messed with. I suspected he panicked as he slowed further and now kept a considerably large distance behind me. I waited for him to overtake from my left but he didn't. It was clear he was afraid.

I continued at 70kmph at the outermost lane for the next km or so and he kept a far distance behind me. When I eventually filtered to exit the highway, he gingerly increased his speed and drove pass me. I stared at him but he didn't dare look at me. He's a young nerdy-looking bespectacled driver no more than in his late-20s. And he was driving a new car no older than a month or two old, judging from his car's registration plate. WTH, bloody ball-less road bully trying to play the fool with me. I would have played with him till he ended his journey, but no... it was not worth it. Enough just to make him panic and teach him a lesson. 

(as I typed the above, I also concluded that I myself was not behaving well... heh heh)

Qingming 2019

Over the last weekend, I observed the Qingming festival. This is the annual tomb-sweeping festival and I had been doing it for as long as I recalled. As a kid, I would head to the cemetery with my mum and since my mum's passing, I had observed this event with my aunt and her family. This year, however, it's a little different.

For the first time, my Uncle didn't come along. That, to me, was not normal. He's an old person in his mid-80s and observing such traditions has always been important to him. He’s aged significantly when I last met him during the Lunar New Year. So I hoped his absence over the weekend was simply cos the weather was too hot (as my Cousin has shared) and not a sign of more serious things to come.

Housing Loans

I resolved to clear my housing loan by this year. Will be rather stretched and will mean possibly not being able to undertake big ticket items like getting a new car, renovating the house or having a major holiday or for that matter, changing my job. But it's ok, I want to clear it soonest. Been 3 decades plus. Too long.

Pet Peeve

One of my pet peeve was having a family splitting up and queueing at the different queues at the supermarket. And all would give up their queues once whoever reaches the cashier first. This, to me, is very inconsiderate (although admittedly, I had been guilty of such behaviours too). Anyway, here's what happened when, by chance, I broke up such a mother-daughter pair yesterday.

I was at the supermarket and after getting what I wanted, I made my way to the cashier. There were 2 counters and there were 2 queues. It so happened that left queue ended with a trolley. A lady had her hand on the trolley and she stood next to a younger girl who was queuing in the right queue. And they were both chatting happily. Behind this girl, there were a few others and it looked like after the girl, there was only one queue.

Being a little confused, I walked up and asked the lady if there was one or two queues. She looked at me and answered, a bit rudely, that there were two. Once she did that, the empty-handed young girl quickly walked away from the right queue and pretended like she had never queued in the first place. This, apparently, was greeted with huge smiles from those queueing behind the girl and the distinction between the right and the left queues became clear.

I looked a little closer at the queues and realised that on the left queue, there were two persons in front of the mother and each person has a full basket-load of groceries. And for the right queue, there were four persons but their baskets were only half full. It was then that I realised they were a mother-daughter pair and that the daughter had been in the other queue hoping that it would go faster. Anyway, I didn’t bother, I simply joined in the right queue.

Sighs...

(for the record, I managed to pay for my purchases before the mother did... heh).

Ma!...

I came home early from work last afternoon totally exhausted. I headed straight to my bed and just collapsed in it, whole body still wet from my perspiration from the hot afternoon sun. I fell into a deep momentary sleep, or more appropriately, a nap, although I was struggling to keep awake. It was just not normal for me to do afternoon naps but I was just too exhausted. After what might have been a 5-min sleep, I woke up, and in my drowsy and confused state, I called out “Ma!...”. I thought my mum was watching tv in the living room. The realisation that my mum died 3-plus years ago sank in as I slowly gain consciousness. It was not a good feeling. I felt really sad. 

Some things just do not leave your subconscious.

Sighs.

My Funeral (updated 2019)

Ever since my heart procedure, I have been very much more conscious about my own mortality. I make it a point to whatsapp people who matter to me - just to say "Hi" and to thank them for anything that I feel deserves my appreciation. And the possibility of not being able to wake up when I fall asleep, or to suddenly get a heart attack, etc become very real. And it is with this thought that I am, once again, updating how I want my funeral to be done. It's not morbid to me, it is a responsible thing to do. The last time I did this was in 2011.

And reading that post, I must say that much of what I wrote back then still applies. Here're the salient points - in its most simple form, i should just be cremated once i passed on. No frills. But I know this is not acceptable to people who want to mourn and have their closures. And if that is the case, it is my wish that my funeral should follow basic Buddhist rites - a basic coffin, 3- (or 5-) day wake, cremation followed by sea burial. I come with nothing and go with nothing. The only thing I should leave behind are memories of me, hopefully good ones.

Afternote: I forgot and have missed this important point - I do not want to be on life support if it my life ever come to that stage where I am no longer able to make any decisions. If it’s time to go, let me go.

Clubbing

I went clubbing in KL over the weekend and for the first time since 2005, I actually just let myself go and danced like there was no tomorrow! It helped that the songs played were all hits from the 80s/ 90s (so totally my era)! It was one helluva fun, dancing with pz's bff and a couple friend of ours.

Been a long long while!

Hehe...

Of Waterfalls & Puppies

Decided to make a trip to JB Kota Tinggi Waterfalls this morning. The last time I visited it was more than 2 decades ago. But for some reasons, I felt the urge to visit the place. And so, we (pz and I) drove in about 8am. It was great that there was no traffic jams at the Second Link and in no time, we were cruising along the Johore highway towards Kota Tinggi. The roads had been widened since I last drove there and we managed to arrive at the place late morning. Sadly, the place was closed for maintenance. Nonetheless, I decided to park the car to take a closer look at the signage at waterfall entrance.

Once I got off my car, I heard cries from a puppy and a bitch barking at me. I couldn’t see the puppy as it was blocked by the bitch and she stood there between two parked cars. Something seemed wrong, judging from the sound of its cries. I dropped onto my knees, signalling to the bitch that I’m not hostile. She barked a bit more and then she stopped and just stood there, looking at me. After a few seconds, she walked away from the car, revealing a yelping puppy behind, half-hidden by the car. Now, this was not normal - a mother moving away from her crying puppy. Sensing something was not right, I walked towards it and I saw a disturbing sight. The puppy, probably no more than 6 weeks, had had its head caught in the fence and it was struggling to free itself. I told myself I had to help it. 

I walked to it, half expecting the bitch to charge at me, as what all mothers would do. But surprisingly, she was nowhere to be seen. I knelt down and held the puppy’s head. The neck was tightly encircled by the fence wire and it was trying to push its body across. And the more it tried, the tighter the wire got and it was choking. All it could do was simply cry and yelp badly. Judging from the pool of saliva on the floor, the exhausted face and the fearful look of its small eyes, I could only conclude that its head had been caught for some time. Gently, I held the head with one hand as I loosen the wires with the other. Once the wire loosen, the puppy lunged forward as it tried to push itself through. I had to push it back. There was no way the whole body could go through the hole. It struggled and pushed hard against my hand even as I pushed the head backwards. After a while, it stopped pushing and simply let me move it’s head. I managed to release it from the fence and once released, the puppy stumbled back and quickly ran into a hole in the drain as it continued crying and yelping. Quickly, I reached into the hole and pulled it out and brought it across to my side of the fence. I needed to reunite it with it’s mother. I placed it beside the car and it crawled under it as it continued crying. It was a very sad sight. A badly traumatised and weakened puppy hiding underneath a car and crying away. 

I left it there and walked towards the entrance of the waterfall and noted it was off limits. Regretably, I had to leave the place. When I reached back the car park, a group of foreigners walked by and the bitch barked ferociously at them. The bitch had gone back to her puppy and she had with her another puppy! I believed she was trying to protect her puppies from a perceived hostility. I stood there and observe her and bend down to look at the two puppies under the car. And guess what? The bitch walked up to me, looked at me and walked pass me. It was amazing. It seemed like she understood I was not an enemy. I poured a container of water and left it beside the car for the puppies. By now, the traumatised puppy had stopped crying and it was simply lying down resting underneath the car. I left them there to rest and drove off.

Reflecting through this whole incident, a few things struck me - the bitch could distinguish between friend and foe and when the situation calls for it, she will entrust her puppy to someone whom she felt could help. Also, even a puppy no more than 6 weeks old has a very strong will to live and will use all its strength to save itself, no matter how hard circumstances are. And lastly, a bitch is fully capable of showing appreciations. Amazing. It was indeed a really good and meaningful trip, even though I didn’t get to see the waterfalls. The puppy wouldn’t have lasted much longer under the blazing sun, and a dead puppy strangled by a fencing wire would have been a very gruesome sight.  For that moment, it felt like someone had wanted me there to save the puppy. Cos thinking about it, the chance of it happening was very slim for two reasons - the place is closed and quite deserted; and secondly, Malaysia is a Muslim country and I suspect not many would dare to approach a dog.

Urologist Review

Had my review with the urologist today.

Was asked to do an x-ray when I arrived and that was weird. But I learned later that it was becos they found evidence of stones in my right kidney and wanted to confirm it again.

Anyway, the urologist updated that there was no trace of infection nor cancer cells in both the blood and urine. As such, the conclusion was that blood in urine was mainly due to kidney stones.

From the ct scans, they also found evidence of stones - probably about 3mm in both kidneys. Also, a large stone about 6mm was seen in ureter but it did not show up in the x-ray done today. This was weird given the size of the stone, and thus, the urologist suspected I might have passed it out.

With these findings, the urologist suggested not to undertake any invasive treatment currently as the chance that I had passed out the stone was very high. Also, he wanted to err on the safe side given that I'm on heart medication. I was subsequently asked to return for another review in 3 months. The additional time will also allow the heart to stabilise. For now, to keep drinking and flush the system.

So that's good news I think...

Roll eyes... Auntie incident

I was at the x-ray department yesterday awaiting for my ct scan when I witnessed this very interesting and funny incident. One lady (in her 50s) went up to the hospital staff and sounded very angry, started to complain loudly... here’s the conversation (no kidding)

Lady: My appointment is at 4.45 and the queue number I got says 16.45. I’m so angry. I purposely come early to meet the 4.45 appointment time and now I have to wait 12 hours until 16.45. How can this be?!?!?! You guys are unreasonable!

Hospital staff: arrrrr... Auntie ah, 16.45 is 4.45...

Lady: How can it be, don’t bluff me! (She then put out her hands and started counting) 4, 5, 6, 7... (until no more fingers to count)... wahhhhh... must wait very long!!!

Hospital staff (eyes rolling until they almost drop out): Auntie ah... 4.45pm IS 16.45hrs...

Lady (re-count): orhhhh... oh... oh... ok ok, sorlie ah... alamak now I have 45min. I am so early now. I think I go Jalan Jalan (walk around). Can anot arrrr?

Hospital staff: Can, can, you can go anywhere you want to go.

Lady: Errrr, what if people jump queue?

Hospital staff: !(@:9!,!&/!!(@:@/!??!:@/!;&(&;”@/

omg, it's end-feb...

time really flies! is this an age thing? we never seemed to realise how fast time flies until we really sit down and take stock. also, time seemed to zoom by much quicker when we are older. right? heh... and yup, have not blogged for more than a month - a record in recent times. nonetheless, here's a rundown on what happened since i last blogged:

• had issues managing my health post-op (stenting). the first few days seemed ok and i was able to breath properly. then i started feeling a little breathless and had short episodes of chest tightness. my cardiologist put me through a series of tests but everything seemed fine. he concluded that there was no major issues with the stent and that my body was probably adjusting to it. 
• and then i started experiencing lotsa bleeding - in the gums and later, in my urine (hematuria) (see below). it's not a nice experience to constantly taste blood in my mouth day and night. my hematuria got worst. there were days where i was peeing brown-coloured urine through the day. 
• told the cardiologist about this during a review and he suspected it could be due to kidney stones. he ordered an ultrasound at gleneagles. the scan found a 3mm stone in my left kidney. as a precaution, he adjusted my blood thinner medication. the one he had earlier prescribed had aspirin in it. he changed it to one without aspirin, but without first expressing his reservations as doing so might be less effective and might just end up clogging the stent. then again, weighing the pros and cons, he decided to go ahead.
• as a follow-up, i brought forward my changi hospital annual urologist check up. the urologist did an x-ray but found nothing. when i showed him my ultrasound scan and the report from gleneagles, he explained that such conflicting findings could be possible as the stones might have flushed out by itself, or that it was too small to be detected by x-ray. anyway, he has scheduled a ct scan for me to ascertain if i indeed have stones. he mentioned 3 possible causes of hemturia, namely, stones, urinary tract infection, or cancer. had just done the ct scan. the review is next week. let's wait and see... 
• the itch in my right ear got worst despite medicated ear drops. and lately, i began experiencing momentary deafness in my right ear (everything i hear was muffled). i suspect i might be getting deaf. think i have to go for another round of checks. also, my left ear is also starting to itch... hmmm... 
• positively, i also did a series of tests and all turned out fine - normal kidney functions, normal thyroid, normal bladder, normal prostate, not pre-diabetic... all reasons to be happy about!
• went for a couple of trips overseas with pz - twice to kuala lumpur and once to japan (osaka, nara and kyoto). the japan trip was really good. cold weather (which was perfect), visits to parks and temples, and simply soaking up the japanese ambience and culture. was a really good break, but as in all breaks, it was never enough. it's back to reality and work in no time.
• work-wise had been most manageable. the focus over had been in developing the departments' annual plans for the coming fiscal year. i can expect the workload to pick up very fast once the plans are approved. think i better take as much break as i can before it happens.
• my boss is finally slowly down and handing over to her responsibilities to her replacement. sad to see her go. all good (and bad) things must come to an end. that's the nature of things. have to restart the relationship and trust building with my new boss. it's been a week since she (another lady) joined the company and things have been smooth so far.
• lunar new year came and went and for the first time in 3 years, i observed this festival. i had not done so as i was observing a 3-year mourning period following my mum's passing in nov 2015. visited my paternal side aunts and had a simple reunion lunch. nothing beats the warmth of a family, even if it’s an extended one.
• went for a trip and pulau ubin over the last weekend. had a very bad fall from my bicycle in my attempt to avoid my friend who swerved into my lane. landed heavily on my left shoulder and suffered abrasions and trauma. had been in terrible pain for the last two days. a lot of difficulty lifting my arm, and taking deep breaths. suspect i might have broken my ribs. need to rest. from experience, the doctors will not be able to do anything other than give painkillers.
• my weight had, for the first time in almost 2-decades, crossed 80kg. omg! i wondered if the medications i've been taking contributed to this (at least in part). i need to start loosing weight.
• watched quite a number of movies... but too lazy to blog every single one of them. lol...

ok, that was a quick rundown on my last month. eventful with many ups and downs. but positively, it reminded me i am very much alive and very much in tune with myself. i need to be more mindful in managing my daily routines, and of cos, my weight. 

7-day MC

Have been given 7 days of hospitalisation leave. That means I will only be required to go back to work next Tuesday. And when I updated my boss, she told me to rest. Of course, as a courtesy, I replied that I will be contactable on my phone if needed, to which she replied - please prioritise your health accordingly. So yeah, I got her advise. Had just totally ignored my work phone and just relax and rest these two days. Of cos, I know that like it or not, when I head back to work, I will still need to catch up and be accountable for all those things under me...

And to put in perspective, I was concerned not just about my heart but also about my kidneys. You see, after the procedure, my back felt sooooo aching that I couldn’t lie still for 6 hours (the time neeeded for the blood flow to stabilise). I was also required to drink lotsa water during the period and guess what? The nurse found blood in my urine (hematuria). They suspected it could be due to the contrast used during the procedure. But really, I suspected my kidney stones have formed and is causing the internal bleeding!

Whatever the case, let’s just drink and drink and hope all ends well. Will just use these 7 days to rest and to give myself the break I needed.

Stenting 2

The whole procedure lasted no more than 32 minutes. But when you are lying on the operating table, and the probe is inserted and the radiographer is constantly adjusting the machine around you to capture the process, time seemed to come to a stand still. Your whole focus is on the feeling of pressure on the puncture (at the groin area) and the screen in front of you that shows your pumping heart and the flow of the blood as the procedure went on...

It was certainly an interesting experience but not something that I wish to go through again.

In the heart

If you love someone, you will always make decisions or do anything with that person in your heart. Simple rule of thumb that speaks of the need to be considerate and to consistently think of the ones you love when you decide or do anything. As long as you forget about the people you love and make decisions purely based on your own wants/ needs, you will end up hurting people you love advertently.

Agree?

Stenting 1

I had just finished inserting the stent. “More than 75% blockage”, the doctor said after the investigation. “We’ll proceed to do the stenting...”. 

說散就散

I love this song. And for whatever reasons, I always get this song confused with 体面 (Dignity) (the song that I posted last week).

The title of this song is "說散就散".

(visit this link for an explanation of the song and this link for the english translation of the lyrics).

2018 - a messy year

I will christen 2018 as “A Messy Year”. I had initially wanted to call it the "Year of the Heart" but decided that "Mess" would be more appropriate. I do believe that quite a bit of things that happened to me over the last one year could be attributed to the pent up emotions following my mum's passing end-2015, my decision to run away from some of my personal tensions, and my inability to manage myself well on all fronts through the year. With this convergence of factors, 2018 erupted into a perfect storm of issues that eventually took a toll on my health. For my reflections, I will focus on 3 key things that I felt consumed my whole year - my health, my work and my relationship. For completeness, I will also pen some quick words on areas such as friends, family, and so on.

My Health

2018 has been one helluva mess for me health-wise. As in 2017, I often felt sad and depressed and I had the tendency to withdraw into a world of my own. And with the stress from work, and my increasing loneliness, I eventually lost control of myself. I resorted to fleeting sex and occasional cf to escape from the stress and loneliness. I experienced very bad heart palpitations end of June and was evacuated to the hospital. I was subsequently diagnosed to have heart palpitations and had to undergo ablation. The procedure lasted about 8 hours, 4 times longer than expected 2 hours. Thankfully, there was no further complications. As part of the procedure, the doctor also discovered a 80% blockage in one of the artery. I will be going through an angioplasty in Jan 2019. Apart from this, I also experienced bloodied urine at least twice through the year. Whether this was due to a build up of kidney stones, I don't know. My next review with the urologist will be in Sep 2019.

My Work 

In my 2017 reflection, I named "work" as the single most significant factor that shaped my year. I had enter a new industry and and had immersed my whole self into this new role. I had to grapple with a change in some key people within the team towards the end of 2017. With this as the context at the start of 2018, there were 3 levels of stress at work, namely, (1) unrealistic expectations, (2) leaders' lack of accountability, and (3) a new team inexperienced team. The combination of all these 3 factors was rather overwhelming as they build upon each other. Firstly, this year's KPIs were unrealistic. I had first highlighted this when the year started but it was simply brushed off. It was futile to change my big boss's thoughts about the KPIs in part becos the big boss was superbly difficult to talk with. Added to that, I also noted I was not the only person to get such unrealistic KPIs. So... Secondly, there were changes to the departments' senior leadership team this year. What went horribly wrong was when one of the new senior leader did not want to get her hands dirty to do all the operational work and began pushing her responsibilities around. It was terrible and many of my peers suffered the same from her. For me, I eventually came to a point where I had to down tools totally and told her off that she needed to manage things herself. Lastly, I managed to put together a new team following the departure of some key members last year. The person I hired was a huge disappointment and, in my opinion, did not fit in well. He was more conceptual than me and lacked the ability to focus on the details! I ended up having to monitor and question every single little details of his team eventually. I had no choice but to do this following several incidents that involved some pretty senior personalities... as always, the work was easy, but having to handle operational issues because of someone's refusal to accept accountabilities, or because of someone's inability to do so was terrible! It was not easy to have to manage up and down amidst all the stresses of having to deliver the KPIs. Something had to go and in the end, my health gave way. I end 2018 assuming a newly created position. I have the flexibility to frame what I can do in this new port folio. The challenge would be that my immediate boss has tendered and will leave by March 2019. Positively speaking, there will be many things to learn in 2019!

My Relationship

My partner of 14 years (whom I called Bee) and I finally separated in Sep 2018. There were many reasons for this and they include his focus on his work, our relationship got neglected, I got too much time at hand, I got to know someone in Grindr (let's call him PZ). And the rest just happened quite by itself. To add to the mess, I got myself so much in to the new person that I could not pull myself out despite him coming clean with me that he has a partner in Malaysia, that he had also been involved in another relationship with married person for the last 5 years and the consistent lies that he created to hide these details from me. It was too tiring and too stressful but I couldn't and didn't how to extricate myself by then. Eventually, PZ called off both his 8-year and 5-year relationships. We got together and in less than 3 months, the stress got to the point where we quarreled and things went awry. He eventually called off the relationship. It was the first time in about 2 decades where I was single, again. I spend a lot of time with my ex during the few days after I became single and at one point I asked my ex if he would consider starting all over again. My ex didn't give me an outright answer apart from the input that he was afraid he will not be able to fulfill my needs (of time and attention) due to his work. He left the conversation there without giving a clear answer. It was also this time when PZ contacted me to talk things through. In the end, we agreed to give our failed relationship another goal and... yup, that was my quick summary of my relationship for 2018. So... yes, relationship was a MESS in 2018. I didn't manage things well. Thankfully, things ended with a bit more clarity on both PZ and my sides, both making the resolve to want to make things happen. Will need to focus on rebuilding my relationship in 2019.

My Escapes 

Well, "escapes" in this paragraph can be framed in more than one way. Firstly, and in a physical sense, it refers to my overseas travels. Effectively, 2018 will probably go down as the year where I traveled the most. If I counted it correctly, not counting work trips, I visited overseas no less than 10 - 11 times over the course of the year. They included trips to Hong Kong where I would either frequent gay saunas or meet up with my friends (or probably you can call it "friend with benefits"), many trips to KL and Bandung with PZ, as well as a disastrous trip to Tokyo with Bee. For my trip to Tokyo, we quarrelled the first day of the trip and went on cold war or the next day or two. He had to return one day earlier to attend to his mother when she had a fall. Secondly, "escapes" also refer to the many occasions where I hooked up with people in Grindr in my attempts to seek companionship and/ or sex. In some instances, cf was involved. I would always end up with superbly bad headache for a few days after that. So... yeah, I admit I had been irresponsible to myself in 2018, but living a life like that was the best escape for me. Judge me if you want, I don't care. I don't think I will ever use it in 2019, especially now that I have PZ with me.

My Friends

In 2018, I deepened my relationships with some of my closer friends, especially those from my previous company. These friends, had over time, come to become my extended family. Interestingly, many of them address me as "Daddy" or "Baba/ Papa" and one of them even asked if I would consider having him as my adopted son. That was how close I had established myself with them. The meet ups and the interactions got deeper not just becos there were more meet ups, but also becos many of them went through quite a bit of tensions/ stress and came to me for advise/ help. These include relationship/ marital issues, work-related issues as well as job changes, among others. For 2019, I can expect to see 2 - 3 of them leaving their jobs and seeking new ones. I hope I will be able to provide them with the support they need when they go through the transition.

My Family

I came to a point where relationship with my immediate family didn't really matter to me anymore. Que sera sera, that was my attitude towards my family in 2018. For my eldest sister, although ties was strained, she was a bit more open to texting me. This, I suspect, was because I reached out to her after learning that she has cancer. Relationship with my second sister was the same - cordial and warm. We kept in contact and she would often keep me in mind when she cooked stuff like curries, popiahs, bee hoon, noodles, etc. I am thankful to her for remembering me whenever she cooked. As for my brother, I have accepted the fact that I will no longer have the chance to reconnect with him (not that I want to). Apart from that, everything else with my extended family (including my aunts, cousins, etc) remained quite constant. For 2019, I suspect death will befall at least one or two individuals within my extended family. I know it's quite a morbid thought and hope I am wrong. Then again to me, I embrace death as much as I embrace living and experiencing life. So yeah, whatever will come will come.

Conclusion

2018 has been a superbly messy one for me. As I reflected during the start of this post, I believe it was the culmination of the depression since the passing of my mum and my inability to get hold of my life over the last 3 years. The eventual impact on my health was indeed unfortunate and I had wondered if I will ever live to see my next birthday. I am starting 2019 staring at my health and my work squarely, and with the knowledge that I have a new relationship that I can (hopefully) rely on for support. Above all, I know I have to manage myself, be kind to myself and to take care of myself more.

Happy 2019 everyone.

Restarting

He came to my place, we spoke about things and decided to give things a go again. And I am in KL with him currently. For him, this trip is to have a proper closure and to celebrate his bff’s birthday. For me, it’s my much needed break away from home and from work.

So, we’re back where we started and with a better resolve on the journey ahead. 

Wish us luck.

比悲傷更悲傷的故事 (More Than Blue)

This stroy-line of this movie was so sad, I laughed. Ok, to put in perspective, everyone around me cried buckets, including PZ. But frankly, when I suspected things were not so straightforward from the start of the show and took a third person point of view when I watched it. And when the story unfolded and proved my theory, it became funny. Without going into specifics, the following kinda described the show:

• He: I know I have a terminal illness, I don't want her to know.
• She: I know he has a terminal illness, and I know he doesn't want me to know. So I pretend I don't know, so that he will not suspect I know.

This framing took up almost 3/4 of the whole show. The show showed the story from the perspective of the guy. And people were crying buckets by now. And then 3/4 way through, similar scenes were repeated, but now told from the girls' perspective. That was when people started crying even more. The last 10 min of their show was:

• He: I now know she knows but it's too late. I'm dying soon.
• She: He knows now that I know, and I will try my best to look after him.

She brought him home from the hospital, and before they even could spend the night, he died. And she took her own life.

End of story.

Bumblebee

This is a rather draggy show and really made the bots too human-like. Kinda weird.

But overall, it was quite interesting show.

Aquaman

i thoroughly enjoyed this show. And watching how he commanded the sea creatures into battle towards the end of the movie reminded me of the cartoons I watched during my childhood. Hmmm... was it marine boy? Anyway, I enjoyed it thoroughly.

体面 (Dignity)

作词：唐恬
作曲：于文文
编曲：郑楠

别堆砌怀念让剧情 变得狗血
深爱了多年又何必 毁了经典

都已成年不拖不欠
浪费时间是我情愿
像谢幕的演员
眼看着灯光熄灭

来不及 再轰轰烈烈
就保留 告别的尊严
我爱你不后悔 也尊重故事结尾

分手应该体面
谁都不要说抱歉 何来亏欠
我敢给就敢心碎
镜头前面是从前的我们
在喝彩 流着泪声嘶力竭

离开也很体面 才没辜负这些年
更多更详
爱得热烈 认真付出的画面
别让执念 毁掉了昨天
我爱过你 利落干脆

最熟悉的街主角却 换了人演
我哭到哽咽心再痛 就当破茧
来不及 再轰轰烈烈
就保留 告别的尊严
我爱你不后悔 也尊重故事结尾

分手应该体面
谁都不要说抱歉 何来亏欠
我敢给就敢心碎
镜头前面是从前的我们
在喝彩 流着泪声嘶力竭

离开也很体面 才没辜负这些年
爱得热烈 认真付出的画面
别让执念 毁掉了昨天
我爱过你 利落干脆
再见 不负遇见

Namo Avalokiteshvara

I had the opportunity to listen to this chant many years back. I fell in love with it immediately and recalled tearing when I listened to it. It had been a long time and I had forgotten about it.

Two days ago, Yip sent me a documentary that centred around the theme of mindfulness. It was titled "Walk with Me" and was filmed at the Plum Village Monastery. Somewhere in the documentary, this chant was performed. I was dumbstruck when the chant started. It was a simple chant that only comprise the words "Namo Avalokiteshvara". The words meant "Homage to Avalokiteshvara" - "Avalokiteshvara" being the name of a goddess commonly known in chinese as the Guan Yin, or the Goddess of Mercy, the Compassionate.

Before I knew it, I starting tearing. I chided myself mentally for being emotional and tried hard to control my tears. But as the camera panned across the audience, I saw many in the audience tearing. One woman was crying so bad she had to be consoled. It was then that I realised it was I was not the only one that reacted this way to the chant. The chant evoke in my head images of Bodhisattva Avalokiteshvara, the calm, and the compassion. It contrasted strongly with the current state of my mind. And next thing I knew, mental images of my mum’s passing, my grieve, my pains, my emotions, my depression, my failed relationships, everything that I had done or did not do that ended with me harming myself, etc... all came crashing down onto me. And at that moment, I totally submitted myself to my emotions and everything just flowed out. I didn't realise I had so many pent up emotions in me. The momentary letting go helped me tremendously. It centred and calmed me down.

I was glad I watched the documentary (embedded below). I need to restart cultivating my mindfulness again.

Keeping things simple

Today, I decided to declutter my place. And I did so as I packed his stuff. I took the opportunity to throw away a lot of my old stuff - unused postcards, unused old gifts that has turned yellow, kept my dining chairs in the store room, cleared the fridge of food, cleared the cupboard of clothings that I’ve not worn for a while, arranged my hangers, threw away some medications, toiletries, etc etc etc. By the time I finished, the house look and feel quite empty. 

I like things this way. Simple and neat. This was how it was immediately after mum passed on. But things piled up again. And over the last 6 months, I did not have the time nor energy to clean the house. It’s either I was staying over at his place, or when we returned, I didn’t have the motivation nor energy. Added to that, over the last couple of months, there was a lot of renovations going on at my neighbour’s place and it was impossible for me to have things dustfree. So now, it’s catch up time.

I supposed my efforts in decluttering my house is also part of my attempt to clear the mess I’ve created for myself in my life. Time to move on, relook at how I’ve lived my life and to start afresh. It’s been a couple of days being alone and it’s not easy. But admittedly, it was quite refreshing too. And I miss him. But I didn't want to call him as I was also angry at how he treated me. I was also reminded of how much time and energies I have committed to the relationship in the last 6 months. And yesterday, he texted me to tell me he wanted to end the relationship. So... time to reorganize my life and relook at things.

Time to declutter my life, and keep things simple. And time to do what I want. For myself.

Themes for 2018

Time flies. It's the time where I will be writing my annual end-of-the-year blog soon. I have christened each of the last decade with key words that described the year. And this year, a few words came to mind. These include “Heart”, “Mess”, “Stress”, and “Challenges”. 

I have not decided which to use, but my immediate thoughts is that “Heart” is very apt. But apt as it may be, it is related more to issues (health and relationship) that happened only in the last 6 months. I will not do justice to the year if I were to use “Heart” to frame it. As for “Stress” and “Challenges”, these may very well be the case but I acknowledged that these concepts are a constant in life and can be applicable for any year. So... for now, “Mess” seems to be the most appropriate. It describes aptly the cause of the stress, the effects (and possibly the cause) of the “Heart” issues, and the challenges that presented themselves to me eventually. 

And reflecting, I do realise this - the words that came to mind are all rather negative sounding. I supposed it is a reflection of my current state of mind, and possibly my personality. I am naturally more inclined to dwell in and remember negative things as they impact me more profoundly. I must learn to see and frame things more positively. Weird that I have to remind myself about this, considering I’ve always been advising people around me to do it. Anyway, I have one more week to go before I pen my annual reflections. Will continue to reflect on the theme. 

Stay tuned.

Into the Wild @ Work

A new department was created from scratch and I was asked to lead this department. I was given this opportunity because the company felt I was best suited for it. For me, I decided to accept it because I thought it would be less stressful (given a smaller team and that I have the ability to decide how I should scope it). But, more importantly, I accepted the role because of the fact that I will continue to work with my current boss. The understanding between my boss and I has been that I will focus on the work and she will handle the people (aka politics). That understanding had worked out perfectly for the last 2 years. 

Last week, I finally relinquished my position and handed it over to a new chap. As part of handing over the department, I will, however, have to close the year, prepare the new fiscal year’s budget and aid in all outstanding projects. And after that, I have been tasked to play the role of an advisor for the new chap as he runs in in the next 3-6 months. As for the new port folio, the scope was enlarged and the bosses has ambitiously promised top management a lot more things than what I had expected. So you can imagine the amount of things I had to do and the challenges I am faced with during this period.

And then my boss dropped a bomb shell on me two days ago - that she had tendered her resignation.

Wtf!

自爱

Do you have something that you need to talk about? a dear friend asked. No, all’s good, I said. Whatever it is, just remember these two words:

“自爱”

(translated to “Love/-ing yourself”), my friend added, even as she does not know anything about what happened. That, to me, was the best reminder possible for me at this time... I supposed she knows I am the type that gives my all when in a relationship and always end up being misunderstood or hurt. 

I have to learn to listen to my brain more and my heart less. Cos all the time, when I listen to my heart, I will justify for people why they did what they did, give them the benefit of doubt, and invariably end up hurting myself. Had happened through my life and it happened again. There’s just a very fine and grey line between loving oneself and loving people.

It will be very difficult for me, but I must try.

(I found this link when I googled "Self-Love". As I read, I realised how I had been shortchanging myself for so long)