new medication

thinking about the whole situation today, i suspected mum insomnia and didn't sleep the whole of last night, despite taking sleeping pills, was becos i had told the maid to administer a new medication for her this morning.

mum had visited the bone specialist and had been given a new medication where she was supposed to take on empty stomach. and after taking, she was ordered not to lie down and to avoid all calcium, milk-related products, for 2 hours. i supposed these new instructions made her anxious and that was probably why she woke the maid up at 4am asking to be given medicine.

hmmm...

emo mum today

today, mum went all emo and refused to talk to me. i supposed she was angry with me. 

i went out last night after she retired, telling her that i wanted to watch a midnight show (i went out for a drink with bee instead). i came home close to midnight and retired to bed straightaway. shortly after that, i heard her walked out of her room and made her way to the living room. the maid had woken up and accompanied her to the living room. i heard them spoke for a while before things quieten. sometime later at about 4am, i heard commotion outside again. this time round, mum had summoned the maid to give her her medication, to which the maid told mum it was still too early and asked mum to sleep... i went back to sleep again after things quieten down. throughout both occasions, i kept in my room. i chose not to go out cos i didn't want to make a fuss out of it.

i woke up this morning to mum reprimanding why i came back close to midnight. why did you come back so late? she asked even before i could say anything. i told her i didn't watch any show and just decided to return as there was no good shows to watch. immediately, her suspicions went up. if you did not watch shows, why come back so late? she went on non-stop about it. i simply told her that i walked about. she didn't accept my answer. 

finally, instead of me being on the answering end, i turned around and asked her why she didn't sleep the whole night. of cos, i asked in a very nice manner. i simply reminded her that she should not think too much and retire with peace of mind. i asked if it was becos i went out for i noticed she always fail to sleep when i leave the house. she got angry after that... you do whatever you want to do. i don't care who you go out with or where you go... 

she went on for a while and after that, her mood swings started...

that was how she started avoiding me today.

robin williams

i couldn't decide which is a more suitable photo to use - one that is more solemn, or one that makes him look more natural. i like the first as he looks very formal. a solemn look suitable for a respectable person like him. i also like the second one here. he looked very natural and sunshiny. so i decided to create two identical posts, but with a different picture, in memory of robin williams. and reflecting, perhaps having 2 posts is an apt approach considering he has been mr. funny man to all, yet he himself was battling his own monsters.

whichever picture, i thought having it in black and white is appropriate. he had left us.

and just like what i reflected when mj passed on, these individuals never know how much they touched the lives of people around the world. a part of us died when they leave us.

you never fail to make me laugh since you started off as mock.

thank you.

the day we stopped smiling 2

for a moment, a long moment, this week, the world stopped smiling

funny left us

rest in peace robin williams

picture from www.popcultureaddict.com

the day we stopped smiling 1

for a moment, a long moment, this week, the world stopped smiling

funny left us

rest in peace robin williams

picture from www.poptower.com

angry old man

we were walking out of the market this morning after breakfast when, at the ramp leading to the car park, we came faced with an elderly gentleman walking very slowly down the ramp. the old man was walking with a walking stick and he was accompanied by his daughter, a lady in her late-50s/ early-60s. and as he was walking in the middle of the path, we decided to simply wait at the start of the ramp and for him to get to the end before we do so.

the lady saw us and advised the father to walk a little faster. she explained that there was a wheelchair waiting behind. i thought it was a fair advice and request, but unexpectedly the old man burst out at her. can you not see i have problems walking? you want me to fall down is it?... and he went on and on non-stop about her request, half-grumbling, half chiding. it was obvious he did not think the request was reasonable. his raised voiced had attracted quite a bit of attention of the many people around and everyone was staring at us. no, papa, please don't say this. nobody wants you to fall down. i am only saying there is a wheelchair and people are waiting. so that's why i asked for you to walk a little faster... the lady answered in perfect english, half-pleading, and to a small extent, in a rather indignant manner.

it was not often that i get into such situations. i felt a little embarrassed for causing the little exchange between the lady and her father. i rushed up to the lady and quietly told her it was ok and to let uncle take his time. she apologised, as her father continued berating her. i could see she was in a rather awkward position and i didn't want to make things worst for her. soon enough, the old man reached the end of the ramp and we made our way down. i thanked her again and went on my way.

really, being a primary caregiver for an elderly person with mobility and mental challenges, i can understand her dilemma and challenges. i totally empathised with her. it's not easy. elderly people can be highly irritable and difficult at times. and this is made worst when they feel they are being unfairly treated. just need to be patient with them. and i thank my mum for giving me the constant opportunities to cultivate my patience.

looking young

i walked into the office pantry this morning and said hi to a female colleague. she didn't respond and i simply went back to my workspace. within minutes, she dropped by my workspace and said:

"ahhhhhh, sorry hor... just now you said hi to me and i didn't realise it was you. from your back, you looked so young, and then when you turn around... aiyeeerrrr.... pai seh, pai seh..."

* "pai seh" is hokkien (a southern china dialect) equivalent of "i felt embarrassed by it"

how's that for for being frank and truthful? haha... no "ouch" moments for me though. that's how comfortable my colleagues are with me. they like to gather around me and simply chit chat and crack jokes. and 

lol!

reading books...

i was looking at some profile of people in jack'd (yes, i re-downloaded it! haha!) and there's this person who indicated this...

books you read: "facebook"

haha.... quite tickled by it.

:-)

mum's irksome habits

there are some things that mum say/ do that can irk me big time. and all these reflect either her insecurity or is a result of her paranoia (that can be so frustrating). here're some of stuffs that irks me, individually, it sounds ok, but when all come together or when one behaviour gets repeated non-stop, it can drive one up the wall...

• i do my evening exercises after she retires on weekdays. and on many mornings when i wake up and walked into the living room, she'd reprimand me, sometimes in a very curd manner - how come you come home so late last night? and she'd ask this question even during times when i did not even leave the house the night before.

• often, whenever i mentioned anything, she'd be able to justify why things happened. and she'd insist she's right although sometimes her reasoning would be totally illogical. it can be as simple as me saying "oh, today the market is not so crowded" and she'd quickly answer "of cos, today all the malays are at home becos..." or "don't you know? today is saturday, every one sleeps late..." she has her reasoning and logic for every observation i make.

• maybe it's a mother thing, but she always insist she's right (just) becos she's my mother. no further questions asked.

• she has a habit of saying "my father says..." and she'd totally believe it. like for example, she'd say "my father says whenever we leave the house, we must lock all the doors" or "my father says girls should not stay out late" or (this is a daily quote) "my father says we shouldn't eat too much for dinner cos it is not good to go to bed feeling bloated", and she says this again and again despite gorging herself with food during dinner.

• she has the habit of asking me why i use my smart phone. who was i messaging, why was i messaging, why did i need to message... and regardless of what answer i give, she would give me this look like as though she didn't believe me and/ or i was lying to her. and sometimes, she would give me this "wtf" look.

• on some evenings after work, i would find her lying on my bed. and when i asked her why she did that, she would simply tell me she's tired and wanted to rest. and she'd quickly close all the windows. and whenever i asked her why she'd close the windows, she'd say the sky is getting dark and she needs to close the windows to prevent mosquitos from entering. and at times, she would say things like she wanted to prevent people from climbing into my room. yet, she left the front door, her room windows etc open.

• on some evenings after work, she'd be watching tv and her storyline (or at least her interpretation of the tv serial) would be "husband cheats on wife" or "man is married but still has mistress" or "mistress wants to kill first wife" etc... very simple straightforward logic that often is totally different from what the show was depicting. but she believes strongly in it and insist she is correct despite you explaining the story to her in detail.

• often, we would be in a very happy mood after eating a good dinner. and as usual, i would ask her if she finds the food nice. and her response? (using her fingers to gesture counting of dollar bills) with this of cos the food would be good.

there are just too many examples and it happens on a daily basis. have learned to live with it and just "entertain" her when she gets into such mode. let her have her views, thoughts and ways. as long as she is happy. but seriously, many a times her actions can feel like a personal attack and it can be very taxing on the patience.

cock ring adventures

something funny happened today.

i placed my cock ring in my work pants yesterday (don't ask me how and why i had it there). and this morning as i checked my pants, i could not find it. i suspected i had dropped it but couldn't remember where. i half suspected it was at the office as i could not find it at home. when i arrived at my workplace, the first thing i did was to look around but it was to no avail. i took it that i could have probably dropped it as i made my way to/ from work and simply forgot about the whole thing. and then. as i walked out of office for lunch, i saw it. it was on the floor just outside the male toilet. it was weird becos i did not see the few times i walked passed it whole morning. and so, my next most logical conclusion was - someone found it, picked it up, probably tried it, and then placed it back...

heh heh!

breeding

came across this little store at the shopping centre and saw this display of key chains. i almost laughed out loud when i saw the signage. it can mean something so terribly wrong depending on how one reads the signage - whether one treat the word "breeds" as a noun or a verb. then again, if indeed it is used as a verb, i cannot imagine how traumatised or maimed the dog must have ended up. haha!

so... is this a case of bad use of english or a case of the reader's warped mind. certainly, i don't think it is the latter. the signage would probably be better off if it is called "dog keychains".

lol!

tau sar piah

took my time to days ago to bring mum for her medical appointment. send her to the rehabilitation center after that before heading out for some breather and self-time. and really, nothing beats having tau sar piah (豆沙饼) (chinese traditional mung bean biscuit) with kopi-o (local long black). these are simple fare with steep traditions founded in my chinese roots. it was something commonly eaten during festivals and offered to the gods. and it reminds me of my younger days. 

and to be able to be brought back in time momentarily with such stuff, the experience is priceless.

:-)

cloudy skies

the weather these days are really weird. it rained cats and dogs almost everyday. 

so different from previous years, where such weather only occur towards nov/ dec each year. but i supposed it is a good thing becos it has kept the annual haze away... for now. 

but haiz, it also meant that when i took time off last couple of days, i couldn't enjoy my time at the pool. 

:-)

your "son" looks like you

was at the hawker centre with my nephew a fortnight ago and showed him around the vegetables and fishes. and of cos, being such a cute little boy, he attracted quite a bit of attention from the aunties at the market. and one of them came up to me and commented  "oh, he is very smart hor... and yes, your son looked exactly like you..."

i didn't know how to respond. i simply smiled and walked off.

disrespectful behaviours

bee send me a couple of pictures that he downloaded from facebook. they were all pictures that depict caricatures of people. and every single picture tried to depict some form of views that are either political satires, controversial, or for that matter, utterly disrespectful.

i must say i am perfectly fine with those that depict political satires like for example, 4 gods carrying various symbols that represent the local political parties (lightning rod, hammer, etc) hovering over a mass of people that had been drawn such that altogether, the form the shape of the singapore island. for that matter, i thought the artist was rather creative. and i was kinda surprised to also see pictures depicting current issues that are not commonly discussed or a tat controversial such as gangsters, massacre, gay-sex, teacher-student sex, etc. the artist was clearly trying to make a statement of sorts. and if his motive was to shock and awe and raise people's awareness of such issues, i thought he did it pretty well.

but i am terribly irked and upset when i see some others that depict scenes that i thought was a tat insensitive and disrespectful. these included scenes such as a muslim woman with her headscarf and wearing nothing but her underwear, or a school teacher being nailed to the classroom wall, not unlike the crucifixion of jesus christ. i thought these had crossed the line of respect, and specifically, respect for the different religions that we celebrate here. of cos, i am not suggesting that the person cannot draw these scenes. but having done it, it would surely occur to the artist that this is perhaps a little controversial and thus should, in all logic and common sense, restrict his audience-ship. freedom of speech must come with some form of self-restraint and respect.

i am curious to see how people react to this. my gut instinct have never been wrong so far. whenever i feel uncomfortable about some things, someone would eventually make a report to the police. and when that happens, the media will pick it up, publish it in a manner that seemed objective but as usual, not. and it will then result in some hue and cry by people at large...

really very tired of such developments.

it's out, it's in...

went to the hospital this morning, had my x-ray done, completed my review and gotten the results.

yup, the stone that was blasted seemed to have completely exited from the system. of cos, the doctor qualified that there was however, the possibility that small fragments could have stayed and i would still need to drink lots of water. as for the other 2 stones (one in each kidney), the doctor could only say he saw the one of the right, whereas the one on the left was not so obvious. the advice given was the same - to drink lots of water and to return once there is any discomfort.

to review again in a year's time.

:-)

where is my nephew?!

yesterday my mum, my brother, his family and i made our way to pay respects to my late dad. it was his 6th death anniversary.

at the lift landing, i felt something was not right. it was quiet. too quiet for my comfort. then it struck me that my nephew was not around cos he always run around me and makes a lot of noise. he's wandered off!, that was my first thought and i panicked. i frantically walked around to look him as i called out aloud "hw在哪里？hw在哪里？他跑去哪里？..." (where's hw? where's hw? where did he go to?...) there was no sign of him as i turned to my sis-in-law and asked again "hw跑去哪里？” (where did hw go to?).

she stared at me, with a bewildered face...

and then, it hit me - i was carrying him...

doh!!!

urology review

will be heading for my urology review tomorrow. and to prepare for that, i have to take the bisacodyl tablets both last night and tonight. the tablet is a laxative and is meant to help clear everything in my intestines so that stones, if any, would show when i head for the x-ray tomorrow.

then again, i think there is nothing much to review. that is, of cos, unless there are still remnants of the broken stone stuck inside, which i don't think so. but it would be good to see if the 2 others inside the kidneys are still there. i suspect they are. 

let's see how things go.

my nephew

my nephew is now 20 months old.

and he is very sticky. he sticks to me like superglue. he always want me to carry him. and jumps with joy when he sees me visiting. quite usual for a kid this age. but there's one thing that i get a little concern about, he cries when he doesn't get what he wants. and everyone gives in to him when he does that. this is something i refused to do. and so when, say, he insists i carry him, i would tell him that he should walk, or that he should just go and play by himself. and he would start pouting. and if i still refused to give in, he would cry. 

that was what happened today. and i simply let him be. and as expected, he cried so bad he literally fell onto the floor, and wail... tears flowing freeing. it looked like as though he had been subjected so some big time torture. naturally, his mum ran out of her room to check him out. i simply asked her to let him be. let him cry. don't give in once he cries. this is a learned behaviour and it would do him no good. let's hope he grows out of this. i certainly do not want him to grow up spoilt.

then again, he looks so very cute when he pouts.

6th anniversary

today is my dad's 6th anniversary.

seemed like my bother and my second sis remembered. and i admittedly, had forgotten about it. anyway, mum as usual was all so anxious the whole morning it was almost impossible to maintain my patience and my cool. but i did, with lots of restrain. she was pestering me about buying the offerings, the food, the joss papers, etc... and she couldn't take no for an answer. not only that, she also wanted to buy offerings for my grandparents, something that never fail to irk my brother, and often end up with angry moments. well, thankfully, the day passed sufficiently well.

my brother was his usual self. reminiscing everything on the day of my dad's passing. and so, he would go like, oh, this time, he was asleep 6 years ago. ahhh, this time he was talking to... rather weird for me, i must say. and he also did the typical paying of respects such as talking to my dad's tablet at the columbarium like he would my dad when he was alive, asking my dad to come to eat the offerings, to see his grandchildren, etc... and to top it off, he asked my dad for lottery numbers. well, it was not something i didn't expect but it was just interesting to see him this way. something that i have not seen anyone do for ages, not since my mum did this when i was a kid. and of cos, mum did the same, she asked my dad to bless her with good health, with help her manage her pain, etc. things went rather well, i must say.

and as for my second sis, this was interesting. she was never on good terms with my dad and till today, has not gotten over my dad's bias towards her. my dad had always favoured my eldest sis and this left a huge scar on my second sis.  she never recovered, till today. anyway, she whatsapp me and told me it is dad's 6th anniversary and asked if i would be paying my respect. dad passed away at 6.54pm 6 years ago and i got a message from her at 6.48pm... it says "6.48pm now". clearly, she was counting down to his final moments of departure. i half expect her to be feeling mixed and a tat troubled. then again, i am just guessing. 

i don't know about my eldest sis, we are not on talking terms. but for the rest of the family, it seemed so clear that they have not moved on from dad's passing. and oh, by the way, today is dad's gregorian calendar anniversary and not his lunar calendar anniversary. that is perhaps something that we do that differ from other chinese families...

:-)

guardians of the universe

went for the show guardians of the universe with bee earlier.

it was an enjoyable show indeed although i must say i walked in not knowing what to expect. i had seen the trailer before and it didn't come across as nice given the characters that seemed so disjointed (they do not seemed to fit each other) considering they comprised characters like a treelike creature similar to that seen in the lord of the ring, a female version of jim carry's mask but certainly without the sense of humour, a muscled person who half-reminded me of the devil-character (cannot recall the name of the character), a raccoon similar to the rat master from ninja turtle and finally, a man who, when wearing his mask, looked like a japanese animae character or c3po from star wars.

so yeah, that was my first impression of these characters. but of cos, what kept me glued to the show was the songs and the storyline. songs from the 70s/ 80s always have this effect on me - i sing along with them. haha... and the storyline was simple enough with minimal twists, but with a lot of cranky jokes.

it was a good brainless show and i enjoyed it.

picture form schmoesknow.com

car wash

did a super duper thorough car wash today. took 3 hours of vacuuming the interior, washing the exterior and i even used the kitchen grease cleaner liquid (magic clean) to wipe the interior... the blackness and thickness of the water after a few rounds of rinsing the dirtied rag was a shocking sight indeed...

but of cos, i felt really good to have done such a thorough job and it was good to have the car smell fresh again (although i half-suspect the lemony scent from the magic clean could be toxic). but what the heck right? life's too short to be worried about such stuff. 

lol!

dad's anniversary

time flies. my dad left us 6 years ago. and frankly, i had forgotten about his death anniversary if my brother had not mentioned about it just now. we will be heading to the columbarium to pay our respects to him tomorrow. it's gonna be a long busy day...

:-)

mum's awake

well, as i have mentioned, mum has had a good many days of uninterrupted sleep. but tonight, i cam back my midnight show at 2am to find her in the living room. she said she couldn't sleep... i have just given her a sleeping pill to aid her sleep. so, all things being equal, my only conclusion was that her inability to sleep had something to do with me going out for a show.

but of cos, i am not going to stop watching shows becos of this. will have to just manage her as and when it happens again.

adam

now, in this post, i want to write about adam. amongst all the many personalities that i had met and have hurt during my coming out years, perhaps adam is the most tragic one. and till today, i still feel kinda bad about how things turned out. here's the story about adam.

adam was a ex-serviceman of a unit i served sometime in the late 90s. then, i was still grappling with my own coming out and had full of problems managing a few crushes on me, and me on others. it was a highly confusing period for me. and as for him, he was grappling with his own sexuality, not about coming out per se. he had some medical issues and was posted to another unit. i couldn't recall how we met but we got along pretty well.

he told me he had a crush on me and that he couldn't control himself. as for me, well, he didn't actually know i was gay at that time but in my attempts to manage him, i came out to him. we went out a few times and through these outings, i supposed i inadvertently led him on. i told him i could not accept him due to our age difference, and added to that, i was rather paranoid about people knowing about my sexuality, and so i kinda freaked out when we went out and he, being an extroverted person (perhaps that is a face), he played with kids and talked to people. perhaps, he was just acting out his happiness of dating someone whom he had a crush, i don't know. but i simply freaked out. i went on and made a mistake when i had an ons with him in his hostel room. he saw that as an indication of my acceptance and came on even more strongly. i couldn't manage myself and his responses and didn't want any relationship with him. i left him in the cold eventually.

i learned about what happened to him from him several years later. he related the following to me, sounding very bitter and with hints of blaming me. it made me feel very bad. accordingly, after we "broke up", he went into depression. he eventually got into a relationship with a married man who treated him as a spare part, in all sense. such was the sad relationship he was in for 2-3 years. he was playing second fiddle to the married man's wife and he would often be left in the cold once the wife call up. he was a total wretched throughout the relationship. he went on to embrace christianity, got himself counselled and lived a new life. he got his name changed, got a new identity and eventually got married. he went on to father a girl. 

i met him at a shopping centre a few years later. he looked shocked and simply walked away. it was obvious he did not want anything to do with me. i was reminded of the difficult days i had created for him. i have often thought about him and hoped he was doing well since then. i saw him on the papers today. apparently, he had gotten a new identity and have started a small business. the business he started fitted him to a t. it was so exactly his personality. i did a facebook search and found him. he looked very happy, although i couldn't help but wondered if he was really so. then again, i could only wonder...

i dropped him a message. he did not reply. i simply apologize to him and wished him well. i will leave it to him. hopefully my apology will give him some closure. for me, it at least allow me to know that i have made peace with myself. i do regret hurting him back then. it was something unintended and i am deeply apologetic about it.

again, closures

well, i reflected a little about closures in my earlier posts... but i have to quickly add here that closures are easy if you are closing it. but sometimes you need the other party to do the closure for you. these things cannot be forced upon, you just have to accept that perhaps people do not see things the way you do. and you have to simply learn to let go and move on.

just like how i had futilely expected james to apologise to me. for all his neglect. for taking me for granted. for emotionally abusing me throughout the years. but i guess he didn't see things this way. instead, he might just felt i did the same to him. i remembered him telling one of my friends years after we broke up that he was simply living his age. and to me, this remark seemed a tat cold and in-human.

then again, i have learned to move on. this is a closure that i can never get and have learned to let go. and in letting go, i have indirectly closed the issue.

closures

i am not sure about you, but for me, i do make the effort to revisit my past and close issues. issues that i could have contributed and that could, possibly linger on in a person's life. while not entirely so, these issues are largely relationship related. the following are some stories about how i close issues...

• it was related to my very demanding boss in 1999. i was part of a team organising an asia pacific event and perhaps it was the pressure, and my boss, was was a superbly demanding person, kept micromanaging and would shout and scream at me whenever anything small thing that did not seemed right to him happened. it went to a point where i could not take it anymore and i burst out at him publicly. i stormed out of the room during the event itself and did not go back to work for a while. reflecting, both of us allowed the event to get to us and there were lessons to be learned for both of us. and for me, bursting at him and storming out publicly was something that continued to haunt me for a long time. and it was until i finally apologised to him after more than a decade that i finally let it go. and as for him, he had forgotten about the incident (at least that was what he said). 

• the second story is related to managing crushes. colin was a person whom i got to know at the east coast parkway after chancing on him many many times back in 1996-97. he was confused about his sexuality. i had just come out and took the chance to proposition to him one day when it rained heavily. we were the only runners at the otherwise isolated jogging track. he went on to have a bad crush on me but for me, i was myself caught in a difficult situation where i was rejected by chong (someone whom i had a crush). chong gave me the cold treatment and i did the same to colin. i hurt him very badly. i didn't feel good about it and eventually reconnected with him when things cooled down. with a cool head, we both acknowledged that perhaps we were not ready for anything more serious at that time. we had just come out, at i was caught in a situation where i had a crush on another person, and he had a crush on me... that was so long ago. 

• the third story was amos. that was in 1999. similarly, i was crazy about him but he was not ready for a relationship. i got hurt badly as a result and eventually avoided him for a long while. years to be exact. chanced upon him a couple of times but i refused to talk to him when he came up to talk to me. i eventually decided to make peace with myself and connected with him again 2 (i think) years back. we are good friends now.

• and the last story is about adam... i'll blog separately in my next post. felt it needed a blog by itself. 

so back to my starting point. to die in peace is to live a life fully and most importantly, with no issues left unclosed. i try to do my closures all the time, even if it is decades later. i feel that being able to reconcile with oneself, and the people around us is important. of cos, importantly, as we give ourselves the closure and we try to seek closure, i also recognise that the other party also need to have the want to close it. but of cos, we cannot force them to do so. ultimately, as long as we tried, that, would be the most important step to take. 

work for government?

i received a call from a job portal today.

they had gone through my resume in my profile and thought i fit the requirements of one of their client. and so, they called to ask if i am keen to pursue the role further. of cos, my first instinct when i heard it was for a government set-up (ok, previously a government set-up, but had since privatised) was to declined it. what made it even less attractive to me was the fact that it would be an individual contributor role...

but of cos, as in all opportunities, never turn it down. it always help to use the opportunity to brush up the interview process and at the same time, network. and so with this thought, i told the lady that called me up that i would touch up my resume to what i think suits the set-up and send it to her. and for her, she was very keen to want to push for an interview for me...

well, so far, the experience has been totally different from my previous job search. this time round, i have not really done much but have instead gotten calls. quite a change ya?

:-)

stopping mum's cough

noticed mum had been coughing quite a bit recently. 

initially, i gave her her cough mixture but it didn't seem to help much. i also observed over time that she seemed to cough more at nights. and this made me suspect if indeed her cough was due to urti. i started to suspect her cough could be due to her choking on her own nasal fluid that flowed backward when she lied flat on her bed. and 4 days ago, her cough got so bad she hardly slept. for that matter, even my sleep was affected!

so, i decided to do an experiment. i placed a hard pillow below her mattress just below her head. this reclined her mattress to a certain extend and elevated her head when she sleeps. my theory was that if indeed her cough was due to her being choke, by elevating her head, i would be able to allow her nasal fluid to flow naturally and thus free her airway, thus preventing her from choking. and guess what? it worked! she slept through the night without a single cough!

she has been sleeping very well for the last 2-3 nights. then again, given her forgetfulness, she insisted that she coughed through the night and did not sleep at all. and of cos, i played along. i showered her with all my concern about her "insomnia", made a little fuss here and there about her needing to sleep early, and gave her a token amount of cough mixture before bedtime to calm her down psychologically. and of cos, the maid played along and everything turned out beautifully for mum.

heh heh.

killer tan lines

was at the pool this afternoon and when i arrived, i saw this very very attractive person when i walked into the changing room. it was someone in his 30s, very nice bod. well-build, tone, muscular but not massive, clean cut. the kinda body that some would use the term "adonis" or "greek god" to describe.

thing was, everyone, both straight and gay, in the changing room was looking at him. he was so confident of himself as he walked out of the shower room. nude and ahem, very well-endowed and totally shaved and smooth. and it was not just the body or his asset that everyone was looking at. it was his confidence and... he had 2 sets of tan lines. 

the first set of tan lines was expected, conventional, and to be expected of a swimmer. his swimming trunk tan lines. but what made it stand out was that it was a pair of japanese trunks. tiny and clear. and on his well-build body, it looked very good. and the second set of tan line was a total killer, for me at least. within his swimming trunk tan lines, he had a cock-ring tan line! wow! 

haha... nose bleed man!

:-) 

late night runs

i have been doing my exercises at 10-ish almost nightly. at times, i'd walk and when i have the mood, i'd do slow jogs. usually, my exercise will take me to the areas around my estate and the changi business park. and interestingly, i am beginning to see more people running at nights too. and last night, there were a couple of very hunky looking guys too.

nice!

lesbian @ pool

went to the pool this afternoon after dropping the car at the workshop. thought it would be good to get a tan since the car repair would need a couple of hours. 

the sun was reasonably good and i made my way to my usual spot by the practice pool. and as always, the place was not crowded and there were no more than 2-3 gay men tanning there. there was also a person in the pool and i couldn't really make out who this person was. i proceeded to my tanning deck. and as always, there were discreet glances here and there. the usual cruising tensions when gay men congregate at a particular location. but this did not last cos before long, the person in the pool stood up.

it was a lady. probably in her 50s, a very burly-looking and spotted a huge tattoo at her back. she was wearing a swimming costume but given her build, she probably came across more manly that a few of us there. wohhh... perhaps it is wrong of me to label her as lesbian for one can not really conclude a person's sexuality based on looks alone. then again, given the way she looked physically, and that she did not even bother to look at any of the guys, my only conclusion was that she's lesbian...

the interesting thing was that once she stood up, the whole cruising and glancing game stopped. and haha, when she laid down onto the tanning deck to tan, the whole cruising and glancing started all over again. and she didn't gave a hoot about it. as for the gay men (me included), i supposed you can never stop this roving eyes habit of ours. 

:-)

working from home

my chief had previously given me total free play to work from home. and even if i were to go to office, i could go in anytime i want. for example, i could go for a morning run and walk in late. to her, she trusted me totally and she acknowledged that for developers, our thinking and developing can occur anywhere, not necessarily in the office. in addition, she understood the challenges i faced when looking after my mum and thus, the flexibility to work from home would help me manage my stress.

thing is - i have never used this privilege. it seemed unnatural to me. and i feel somewhat uneasy if i were to do it. but i think i will try this out for once tomorrow. after all, more than half the department had taken leave and it would be so totally boring to be at work when there is no one around...

but still, i feel rather uneasy... 

haha...

47-48 (2)

recently, i downloaded the jack'd app again. i supposed i was bored and my curiosity as to who are the gay men around me got the better of me... so. anyway, as my downloading was not for purposes of picking people up, and certainly not hoping to be picked up, i left my profile anonymous and indicated my age as 99years old. but an interesting thing happened today...

i was at the shopping centre this afternoon when i got a message from someone in his 20s.

he: hi there

me: hi

he: intro

me: 47years old

he: ok

me: well, usually this age turns people off

he: ok

he did not respond further. and i simply deleted the conversation after that. haha... i knew for sure that by mentioning my age, the conversation would end straightaway. the environment in such apps is a very real and very practical one. you see what you want, you go for it. you sense something not to your taste, you delete. and in such environment, it allows one to control the response just by feeding the right message.

:-)

47-48 (1)

i met someone as i went for my evening exercise yesterday and we chatted for a moment. the topics was rather casual and as always, the question where do you gym? came out. ermm, i don't, i responded and quickly the topic changed. he asked me for my age and i revealed that i will be 48 years old this year. and he made this remark - you must have been very cute when you were young right?

i was a little surprised and taken aback by such a remark. i simply laughed it off. perhaps he didn't realise, he had indirectly said that therefore, i am not cute now! then again, i have never considered myself cute. but, what a weird conversation, i thought.

lol!

alternator spoiled

activated the car mechanic to come to my place to replace the battery this morning.

he was professional enough to do a check on the car before he changed the battery. and after running some basic test, including starting my car with his portable battery, he concluded that my car battery was in ok condition. rather, my car couldn't start becos the alternator was spoiled.

in the end, i had to drive my car to the workshop to have it repaired. the whole repair job, complete with the replacement of the alternator cost me sgd260. i supposed the price was ok cos i had told the workshop manager that my car has less than a year left and he sourced for a recon (used, but in good condition - ie. second hand) alternator for me. nice of him and trust him to do this for me. after all, i had used this workshop for more than a decade.

and yes, need to mention that the mechanic was so cute today. he gave me such a super sweet smile and for the first time, i noticed he was rather cute-looking too. when i thanked him for the help when i left the car, i thought i saw him blushing. 

lol!

car breakdown

since last sunday, my car had been acting cranky. or rather, no, everything seemed fine until after i left the temple. you see, i brought mum to the temple and i parked my car with my handbrake on (which i usually don't) as i had to park my car on a steep slope.

after the visit, we went to my brother's place and that was when i noticed the red light indicating the handbrake was on did not go off. something must be wrong with the circuit, i thought. i tried pulling and releasing the handbrake a couple of times but nothing happened. and after a while, when i realised i could still drive the car without any issues, i left the matter alone.

and last evening, after the usual evening shopping, i couldn't start my car. the battery died. my first conclusion was - the battery had died. i had to activate my sister to jump start my car before i was able to drive it home. and i finally got it repaired today...

haiz...

obliged to save you

smsed my previous lead about what i heard about work this afternoon - that in 2 months' time, the number of office staff would be reduced by about 30%. and the letters are likely to be distributed soon. he was kinda shock and shared that whatever it is happening, he felt obliged to get me (and my staff) out of the place. 

now, this is really interesting becos everything that he said and is doing reminded me so much of what i said to my staff when i left my previous company. this is the first time i am seeing a real case of someone doing what i had previously done on someone else. karma in action indeed. and in a very positive sense too. i felt blessed. it is so very nice of him, i thought. i simply replied him that he is too nice a person to even consider it. and i am thankful.

:-)

thank you

got an sms from a manager that used to work for me 2 years ago.  the sms was so random and totally unexpected. it came in as i was walking to work and got me worried for a while. this was our conversation:

he has since changed company and is now happily employed with an institute of higher learning. but yes, i am happy everything is ok for him and that he is doing fine.

:-)

home-cooked food ideas needed!

these days, cooking dinners has become more and more challenging. i don't have any more ideas about what i can cook! haha... 

since early this year, i have started cooking dinners. it started after mum was was hospitalised frequently and the doctors said we needed to control her salt intake. and not long after that, the doctors also found that she had diabetes and advised that we should monitor her sugar intake too. in short, we have to manage her food intake as a whole. and for a start, we had to reduce taking outside food including food from hawker centres where we frequent for our dinners.

initially, i tasked the domestic help to do the cooking but mum's paranoia became an issue as she consistently suspected the food was poisoned by the domestic help. so in the end, i ended up as the "chief maid" whereas my domestic help became the "assistant maid". i would come home from work, do all the food preparation, the cooking, and setting the table while the domestic help would do the washing after dinner. and that was how grocery shopping, dinner planning, etc became a part of my weekend morning routines.

it had been about half a year. initially, we started off with me cooking daily and controlling the salt intake so much that things tasted bland. but that was necessary in view of the mum's state of health then. it was not easy too cos I had to learn through trial and error mum's tolerance to salt. things have improved. i now know how much seasoning to add to ensure the food taste ok yet without causing mum's body to go off-balance. and i have also reached a balance whereby we eat out no more than twice a week for dinners. but the challenge these days is this - and i remember mum complaining about it all the time when i was young - i am constantly at the lost of ideas as to what to cook! 

lol! i have done all sorts of permutations for seasonings, vegetables, meats, etc... and short of cooking anything too elaborate, which the limited time i have after work makes it quite impossible anyway, i only have the options of heading out for dinners! argghhh... 

darned, i am really turning into a housewife!

blog readers

over the last couple of days, i have had quite a few of my blog readers contacting me and asking me if everything was ok. they had noted the "disappearance" of my blog and was concern about my well-being.

their concerns and the efforts to contact me really touched me.

thank you all (you know who you are).

:-) 

unmotivated

i have over the past few months, planned for some new people initiatives and have made all the necessary plans to create capacities for my team after jul 14. the work year looked so busy and exciting just a few months ago. these plans, if initiated, would have made my team and i superbly busy now.

but since the change in the top man, many good people had been asked to leave, including my chief, leaving many wondering why the lousy ones were allowed to remain. and with the general gloom and doom mood in office currently, everyone seemed so afraid to open their mouth and/ or to do anything that is seen as against the boss. 

and as for me, i have decided to delay all my plans. there is really no point to start anything people-related now, considering how the new boss sees my set-up to be very transactional. and so, these days (especially these 2 weeks), i find myself with a lot of time. i head to office wondering what i was supposed to do many a times. i feel so unmotivated. to make things worst, my colleague shared with me in confidence that the boss is slashing head counts simply by looking at their salaries, without looking at their contributions and value. 

this, to me as a hr person, is a hr-disaster. i now see the need to leave my set-up soon too. i frankly do not see anymore future in this company. and i just won't be surprise if i get asked to go too.

"that old woman..."

my second sis bought my mum dinner last friday. naturally, mum was excited about the outing. the dinner was an expensive one at a local 5-star hotel and my sis told me she called her 4 daughters along too. i knew right away would be an interesting evening. and it was. well, apart from their sibling rivalry and fights, which saw one not talking to another, i also witnessed their behaviour towards my mum. 

as a backdrop, i never fully agreed with how my sis brought up her kids. she was overly protective and spoilt them, to the point of allowing them to climb over her head. and whenever we shared our views about how she should guide her kids, she would snap at us and we ending up quarrelling. we have, over time, learnt not to share our thoughts with her. now, teaching kids values was never my sis's strong points and to me, her kids grew up totally wrong. but then again, that was how she wanted to do it and we couldn't say much. over time, everyone in the family saw her kids as ill-mannered, even my sis herself but it was too late now. then again, to the kids, they never ever considered themselves to be rude, much to my chagrin. and during the dinner, this happened. 

the dishes came one-by-one and for one particular dish, the staff asked if we wanted to eat the dish in a communal manner or to have it separated into individual portions. naturally, we asked for it to be served in individual portions. it so happened that in that dish, there was duck and as my mum didn't take duck, one of my niece asked the waiting staff not to serve her with it. we chatted as the waiting staff did the portioning near my nieces. and once he was done, he asked my niece who he should serve the portion (without the duck) to. 

"oh, serve this to that old woman over there..." uttered this niece, as she used her index finger to point at my mum. i knew she didn't mean it, but to me, by referring to my mum as "that old woman", she had crossed the line without realising it. i didn't hesitate to correct her. "halo! what old woman? that is your grandmother!" she understood my displeasure and simply nodded her head and smiled, somewhat apologetically. i generally do not chide them nor do i want to voice my displeasure. they have their own value system and can be very opinionated. and they can also be very rude to my sis but since she had allowed them to climb all over her, there is nothing much i could say.

but i think there is a certain level of basic decorum and social courtesy that they must be aware of. they can live by their standards up to a certain point. but beyond that, they have to be very conscious of what is appropriate behaviour. they have never dared to be rude to me. and certainly, i would not want to have my mum feel disrespected too (although i know they do respect my mum). and that is where i need to draw the very fine and delicate line.

but of cos, they were very nice young adults. very idealistic in their views, and perhaps come across as very naive about the world too. this is an unforgiving world.  let's hope they learn their ways fast. or they are in for a really rude shock.

looking for... dreams

i had a really difficult night last night. re-worded parts of my résumé before i slept and had so much trouble sleeping after that. and after i finally dozed off, i was haunted by a weird dream through the night and woke up feeling so bloody tired. here's how the dream went.

i was in a very urbanised place and in my dream, i was looking for someone. i knew that this person was supposed to meet me at a certain location and i knew where this place was. in fact, in the dream, i was able to fly up into the air and get a bird's eye view of where he was. i could even zoom in and see his face. chinese, fair, middle-aged, and well-groomed. he was talking to someone i knew. from my dominating position, it was easy to get a bird's eye view of things. the target person was clear. but once i was at ground-level, things started to get a little difficult. somehow, every junctions, every buildings tend to look very confusing. it was so difficult to find the person. it was so stressful.

heh heh... technically, i knew why i dreamt of this dream. let's hope this person i was supposed to meet will contact me soon.

:-)

of grasses & people

just a thought...

the grass is greener on the other side - just like how the people from the other departments/ companies seemed more attractive than the people from your own department/ company. heh, this thought crossed my mind when i was walking to office and when i saw some rather good-looking people walking pass me.

hmmm...

sg vs overseas

"uncle, have you ever considered working overseas? or even migrating overseas? it's so nice and cool right? i mean, singapore really sucks, and it's so restrictive here, why would anyone want to work or live here?" my niece mused...

well, these were questions from a very young adult... of cos there was nothing wrong with being idealistic. it was perhaps natural to be so at that young tender age (of the early 20s). but from where i am now, i think it also needs a dose of exposure and perspective to be more balanced. or perhaps, simply a more critical treatment to the thought before she says "singapore really sucks". i seriously think there is no perfect country. and wherever we choose to reside, we must make peace with what the country as to offer. otherwise, every place would be as "suckful" as singapore.

and after having seen and experienced so many countries, i can only say this - as one grows with age, one tend to gravitate towards a system that gives him/ her the most assurance and peace of mind (when it comes to supporting him/ her, materially, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, etc). no?

darned! i am getting old!

 lol!

travel the world

"uncle, why don't you go travel the world and not work for say 6 months, or for that matter, 2 years? so cool right? there are so many places to visit, to see the world..." my niece asked me. 

yup, i don't disagree, but having gone through 2 periods of deliberate unemployment (and giving up my plans prematurely 6 months into unemployment), i cannot imagine not keeping my mind occupied and not having a sense of rootedness.

cool to me (at this stage of my life) is to have some me time and to do what i like, even if it is just nua-ing (literally, it means decay-ing) in bed.

:-)

cramps

for reasons unknown, i have the tendency to get cramps on my neck areas - these painful knots that stays and create helluva problems on the neck and the shoulders... 

arghhh...

work self vs self self

well, since i've mentioned about my personal self vs professional self in my previous post, i thought it would be useful to reflect a little about what i meant...

there is of cos a total self-self, as in personal self. the me that only i myself know best, this is perhaps the most private me. then there is the side of me that every one knows a part of, the part of me that i show to the public. and this is perhaps the interesting part cos depending on who interacts with me, they will probably see the side of me that defines me through their lens. so, i have the colleague me, the son me, the brother me, the uncle me, etc. and i supposed the ones who are closest to me would perhaps be able to see me in my different persona, and through that gain a very deep insight of me. but through these all, i was very clear of one thing - be clear of the invisible boundaries that may exist at times depending on which persona i assume. there are things that people may not be very comfortable about, or there are things that i cannot assume people would be interested in, or there are things that i should not go into specifics cos it either does not matter or by sharing, i might encroach into their limits of comfort. and this, i must respect.

whatever the case, ultimately, what is most important is that to the people i interact with. i am authentic and i am sincere.

:-)

ps: frankly, by the second last paragraph, i realise i was going no where... haha...

period of solitude

well, have decided to move my blog to an alternate url. was showing my colleagues some stuff online and one of them exclaimed - oh, you have a blog! ok, ok, i shall do a check and see what secrets you have!

her comments took me by surprise and frankly, i was, for that moment, a little uncomfortable. i did not think i showed it but simply brushed her off as i frantically reached for my blog setting to change it from "public" to "private". as i did, she was going around telling my other colleague that my blog is from blogger and that she saw a "66"... it didn't matter if she saw "66" or anything else. what was important to me was that i didn't want to blur the lines between my personal-self and my professional-self. i supposed we are all like onions. we all have our layers of knowns/ unknowns and only allow some layers to be exposed. 

once things got a little settled, i decided to change the url and delete whatever online trail that i might have left. and so for now, i shall continue to blog under this url. i will eventually change it back to my previous url, but that will probably be when things get a little more settled. haha... and i am not ruling out the possibility of doing it when i change job.

we'll see...