regretful incident @ the temple

brought mum to the temple today. it was the first day of the tenth lunar month and felt right to pay a visit to the temple. and as always, we went there about 3-ish when the sun was not so warm. 

we arrived at the temple at about 3.45pm and i promptly wheeled mum to the altar located outside the main door. i picked up a couple of joss sticks but when i went around the place, i noted all the candles and light had been extinguished. i walked into the main hall itself, looking for a light. and the auntie looking after the hall told me not to use joss sticks and to just use my hands, it's the same she said. and she added that the temple would be closing soon. well, i could have explained to her that perhaps it was the same to her, but to me and i was sure to my mum, it was different (for different reasons). anyway, i did not refute. i simply thanked her and went out to tell my mum about it. 

my mum took it in good spirit, placed her palms together and made a prayer as she faced the sky. and when she was done, i turned the wheelchair and pushed her towards the main hall entrance (where the buddhas were located inside). i was just two steps away from the door when the auntie, despite seeing me, slammed the door onto me and my mum's face. wt..! i was surprised, shocked and simply disappointed with such a behavior. i did not say anything but just told mum to say her prayers in front of the closed doors. again, mum took it well. she could not understand why the temple closed so early, but took it in stride and simply accepted the fact that at least she managed to make her way to the temple today.

sighs…

mar-seh-lee

well yes, that is how the auntie at the market pronounce the word "mercedez" - mar-seh-lee. and it was quite funny actually. was pushing mum along the housing estate shop houses and came face-to-face with another auntie on a wheelchair. she was being pushed by her domestic helper. she looked at my mum, and then looked at me, and gave out a small laugh. and she said out loud "wah, chit pai chin chueh mar-seh-lee!"  (wow, nowadays there's a lot of mercedez [people on wheelchair]!)

and off she went… 

lol! it's nice to see things from a fun side and laugh at oneself once a while.

johari window

the johari window

i was in jakarta this week to conduct some training and introduced the johari window to the course participants, and the first question that came from participants was - is johari indonesian or malaysian?

hmmm…

ps: the name johari actually came from two persons… joseph luft and harrington ingham

shopping centers

have been bringing mum to different shopping centers very often, so much so that i am not interested in the things anymore. perhaps it is my lack of attachments to material things, but i do not see the need to buy anything that i do not use. is that a sign of age? haha… anyway, people go shopping center to look at things, i go shopping center to look at people. haha… one of the few opportunities to remind myself that i am, after all, a social creature.

then again, i am not good at interacting with people.

:-)

smooth@work

things have been going on very fine at work for me. and i am now a little worried. at the rate things are falling apart in the department and the rate people are leaving, it seemed like only my area is well kept and growing very well. and moving ahead, i can see my own areas growing to the point where i will likely be overwhelmed and yet at the same time, i am expected to help stabilize the department!

challenging days ahead! but of cos opportunities aplenty.

hurray? or haiz?

i don't know too…

lol!

thor: the dark world

caught the show on friday night with bee. decided to have a brainless and no stress evening. simple  and straightforward storyline although i must say it was not as engaging as the first. but yeah… pardon me for being shallow, chris hemsworth, who played the lead role as thor, was such a gorgeous hunk! and for that alone, it was worth the 2-hour plus in the cinema.

*like*

:-)

sapphie is 13!

today is sapphie's 13th birthday!

celebrated it early and bought her durians and papaya yesterday. she walloped everything superbly fast! and today, i decided to groom her. of cos, from her perspective, it was not something she looked forward to. i gave her a bath, cleaned her ears, and for the first time in many many years, to trimmed all her toe nails at one go, much to her protest.

lol!

break time

i went to jakarta to conduct training this week. flew off on tue night, conducted training on wed and thur and returned by late thur night. so technically, i was only away for 2 days. anyway, i brought mum to stay with my bro since last sunday and only fetched her yesterday.

told her i would be away from tue to fri night. decided to keep away the details from her. didn't want her to think too much and worst of all, didn't want her to suspect i am trying to get rid of her. i wasn't, just for the record. and for me myself, i needed the break.

and so, i managed to have a day's break. a mental break. worked for half a day on fri before my boss asked me to take the rest of the day off. and managed to head off to the pool to simple blank off, catch a show with bee, and simply do what i wanted to do without worrying about mum getting suspicious etc. while i noted she got a little emo once a while through the week, she seemed pretty ok when i fetched her on saturday morning.

i supposed all's well that ended well…

:-)

travel log

here's my updated travel-log…

2013
may - philippines (clark)
jul - malaysia (kl)
aug - indonesia (jakarta)
oct - indonesia (jakarta)

2012
nil

2011
feb - malaysia (jb)
jun - malaysia (jb)
oct/ nov - china (hong kong sar)

2010
may - malaysia (jb)
oct - indonesia (bintan)
nov - indonesia (jakarta)
dec - united arab emirates (abu dhabi, dubai)

2009
jun/jul - australia (perth, cervantes, margaret river, augusta, walpole, denmark, pemberton, manjimup, albany, hyden, corrigin, york, fremantle, joondalup)
jul - malaysia (malacca)
sep - malaysia (malacca)
nov - malaysia (jb)

2008
jun - thailand (phuket)
oct - malaysia (malacca, kuala lumpur)
dec - malaysia (cameron highlands, malacca)

2007
apr - malaysia (malacca)
apr - china (beijing)
jun - australia (perth)
aug - vietnam (hanoi, haphong)
aug - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)
dec - china (shanghai)

2006
apr - malaysia (kl)
jun - australia (sydney)
aug - thailand (bangkok)
sep-oct - indonesia (jakarta, bandung, lembang)
oct - thailand (bangkok)
dec - china (hong kong)

2005
feb - thailand (bangkok)
mar - malaysia
may - thailand (bangkok)
jun - indonesia (bintan)
jul - indonesia (bintan)
sep - indonesia (bintan)
oct - malaysia (kl)
nov - malaysia (jb, malacca)
nov - indonesia (bintan)
dec - taiwan (taipei)

2004
feb - taiwan (kaoshiung)
mar - taiwan (kaoshiung)
jun-dec - states (whole of florida, new york, chicago / illinois, etc)
dec - china (shanghai, hangzhou)

2003
jun - australia (sydney)
sep-oct - taiwan (taipei)
dec - s korea (seoul, sorat, incheon)

2002
jun - england (london, oxford, stratford upon avon, leeds, manchester, scarborough, windermere, etc)

2001
mar - states (california [la, sfo], new york)
may - taiwan (whole)
may - malaysia
jul - states (san diego)
dec - malaysia

2000
jun - australia (sydney)
dec - indonesia (bintan)

1999
feb - indonesia (jember)
may - england (london, brighton)
jun - malaysia
oct - japan (tokyo)

1998
mar - malaysia
jun - malaysia
sep - new zealand (christchurch)
nov - new zealand (christchurch, auckland)

1997
jun - indonesia (bintan, batam)
jun - thailand (bangkok, pattaya)
nov - switzerland (zurich, lucerne), israel (jerusalem)

pre-1997
lots of places but mainly in asia. these include east and west malaysia (lost count), taiwan (almost every city/town you can think of, lost count), hong kong (twice?), australia brisbane, sydney, melbourne (1994), thailand (bangkok, kanchanaburi, chiangmai, chiangrai) (lost count), indonesia (bintan, batam, jember, surabaya) (trice?), brunei (lost count), philippines (metro manila, cabanatuan city) (1995), etc etc etc...

draining week

was in indonesia to conduct a program for my indonesian office over the week.

bloody draining. and as per all things indonesians, i start early, rush rush rush and then wait… and the participants will take their time to arrive, and even then, they will dilly dally… all things will be well once the program starts. and after an hour or so, they will ask for tea break. and once the break starts, they will disappear. and despite it being only a 15min tea break, by the time the next lesson starts, it would be 45min later. well, that is the culture. you cannot change it regardless of how hard you try. on my part, i have learned from my previous experience. to conduct training in indonesia, despite keeping to your learning outcomes, you over-plan, yet use the minimal (about 30-40% of the materials) and leave a lot of time free to cater to contingencies, such as participant's disappearance. not very productive, but that is the way things are. one cannot expect too much.

anyway, i was there for 2 days. i had to conduct different programs for both days and with different participants. and i have reminded the co-ordinator time and again to remind all participants to be present. and despite all the reminders and promises… on the first day, i was told to expect 25 pax. 17 turned up in the end. hmmm, not too bad i guess. on the second day, it was more challenging. the activities had to be preplanned and i had to organize the class into groups, each group based on very specific individual profiles. and i had expected 28 pax. the day before, the co-ordinator told me 22 pax would be there. and so, i had to change all the groupings the day before. on that day itself, 16 turned up, and i had to scramble and change the groupings. and by the time the lesson began, only 12 pax were present. arghhhh… 

by the time the day ended, i was totally drained. and before i left, the co-ordinator asked me to return for another round of training in dec. and again in jan… haiz!

i am just happy the week had ended.

vertically challenged

i recalled a blogger friend referring himself as vertically challenged. perhaps when compared to his peers he is not as tall, but to be really vertically challenged, i can imagine someone standing up and facing the groin of another person. and i saw someone like that this morning. here's the story...

from afar, i thought it was a guy and his daughter. but it was weird to see someone bring his daughter to the business park on a monday morning. and when they got closer i realized they were colleagues. the "girl" turned out to be a lady who's eye was at the height of the guy's belly button and even more interesting, she was wearing 3-inch high heels.

no, i am not laughing at her. but i do think about all the practical issues and challenges she would face everywhere.

very challenging!

ps: the guy's not exceptionally tall, just a normal 1.7-ish height.

weather talk

i never like weather talk. it's superficial and to me, very stressful...

earlier this week as i was heading to office, i chanced upon a colleague at the lift landing. he worked on the upper floor and other than knowing each other's existence, we have never spoken to each other. and so i thought i'd be nice and greeted him. he acknowledged similarly and there was a momentary silence. before i could start a conversation, he said "oh, the weather these days are very hot." wow! what a statement! how would he expect me to respond to such a statement! and so i went "yup, very hot indeed." and then there was a momentary silence again. and as i was just about to feel awkward again, he continued "last week, the weather very wet. lots of thunderstorm." once again, i was like wtf, here he goes again!. anyway, i answered "yup, very wet indeed". and this time round, he did not pause, and he continued "and today, very warm"...

wtf! i was so thankful i reached my floor by then.

lol!

growing up lessons

my growing up and maturing journey has been most humbling. there were a few key lessons learned and they include...

• do not judge too fast. or for that matter, do not judge at all.
• everyone has their story.
• listen.
• be objective, not emotional.
• slow down, live in the present.
• be appreciative.
• don't compare.
• be humble.
• accept that there are things i do not know.
• be compassionate.
• respect others.
• give others the benefit of doubt (which is related to the first point).
• ...

and so with age, it is not that i am not idealistic anymore, but i have learnt that my ideals is just what it is - mine. i need to accept that there are other ways of framing things and that there are logic that i do not know, or may never know. anyway... just thought i'd write what comes to mind cos i have been receiving quite a bit of emails lately from young friends with tensions...

disrespectful person

i seldom confront people. but when i see behaviors that are unacceptable, i will do so, especially when it involves a young person who was disrespectful. and that was exactly what i did today.

you see, i was wheeling my mum along the cold storage (a local supermarket chain) food aisle when i came the junction where two aisles meet. and it so happened that at that moment, an auntie was there and she came face-to-face with a young girl. before going on, let me describe this girl. she looked probably 20 years of age. seemed well-educated. dressed like she had just returned from school. for on her right hand, she had an iphone and some files. and on her left hand, a grocery basket. overall, she looked like a typical uni-student, bright, young and perhaps come from a well-to-do family.

ok, back to the incident. the girl and the auntie were in each other's way and the first thing the girl did was to make that "tserk" sound, and gave the auntie a wtf flustered look, like as though the auntie had offended her big time. as for the auntie, she tried to make space for the girl by taking a step to the left and it so happened that the girl took a step to the right. so... again, the girl gave that auntie an evil wtf look. the auntie decided to move backwards and gave way to the girl. the girl look one helluva unhappy, made an immediate left turn. she did not even thanked the auntie for making way for her! and guessed what? when she did that, she came to face me.

and she gave me that wtf look too! i was annoyed by her behavior! but i kept quiet, she must have had a bad day, i thought. and as she walked passed me, she turned and stared at me. and once again gave me the wtf look. that did it for me. don't mess with me this way. i did not do anything to warrant such stares from you! and i did not hesitate to ask her, very firmly, "is there a problem?" she must have been taken aback by my question. her wtf face immediately disappeared and she quickly replied "oh, no, no..." and with that, she quickly walked off.

what a rude girl. regardless of how well-to-do, well-educated you are, you are doomed to failure character-wise if you cannot behave yourself and conduct yourself well.

i feel sad for her.

young detective dee: rise of the sea dragon

went for the show young detective dee: rise of the sea dragon with bee last saturday. after reading the bad reviews, i had expected a lot less. and a few thoughts rushed through me as i watched the show, and they were...

(1) wah! such lousy animation/ computer effects, (2) the guys are really cute, and i especially like lin gengxin (he also starred in the tv serial 步步惊心), of cos, mark chao was not too bad too, (3) wow! there was a horse that could swim underwater, crazy! (4) alamak, how come there's a disease that can turn a man into a sea monster, and somemore he looked like some creature from the marsh! (5) and woooohhh, such a huge stingray. would not have a chance to grow to that size if sambal stingray had been invented back then... and of cos, it always make me very excited to see old china being created on screen... regardless of dynasty.

haha! despite all these, i thought it was a good show! good storyline, great plot! and competent acting by the team of actors.

enjoyed it!

i worry

through my online presence, i got to know quite a few people, young people for that matter. most of them can pass off as my son by age. but then again, becos of the circumstances that we got to know each other, we became friends. kinda interesting right? especially so when they are about the same age as my nieces, and i can imagine how awkward it would be if they were around in the presence of my nieces. one will see and address me as uncle, and another would talk to me like a friend and address me by my name. ha!

admittedly, through the interactions, i was constantly conscious of our age gap and tried my very best to talk to them as equals. it is not good to be perceived as condescending for that is not me. on the other hand, i do at times feel a little impatient when i came faced with views that i felt is a tat too immature and naive. and i do remind myself to hold myself back and ask them to reflect. truth be told, i have had my fair share of naive past and i have learned and grown up from them. i supposed age has an effect. i do not consider myself to be a know-all but i perhaps can better appreciate the phrase "wisdom comes with age" now. i am a little more experienced and perhaps have seen and learn to understand that in life, it is perhaps useful to see things less from a self-centric point of view. and that there will always be things that are not perfect. and it is not that i have compromised my ideals, but rather, i have come to accept that we cannot expect things to change so quickly, and that our ideals are not necessarily the ideals shared by many.

in many instances, when i interacted with these young friends, their views come across as idealistic and a tat immature. yet from a certain perspective, the idealistic nature reflects the date to dream, and that is good. but i also feel pretty perturbed too. perturbed for that fact that i see an increasing trend of people who are pretty frustrated, very pent up. somehow, their correspondences are always so full of angst. i also noted a tendency to see them viewing matters from a me-vs-them point of view. well, there is nothing wrong with this per se, but when this perspective make them feel very bitter and start to blame everything on the government and society at large without first thinking about things more critically, i get a little worried. these me-first mentally is the very start of the failing/ collapse of the society. it is scary. and the things i hear being complained about include policies related to education, national service, immigration, foreign human resources, etc.

it is very regretful and very disheartening. i could only urge more reflection and to try to understand the logic. but certainly, the silver lining out of these ventings is the fact that they are passionate about being singaporean. much as i do not wish to compare, i do not recall my peers and myself being so bitter about society when we were younger. we were not necessarily more accepting nor superficial and we do challenge policies, but in the end, despite our disagreements, we accept. and most importantly, we stand behind the policy makers and we support the policies. we understood that in any policies, there will be trade offs. that no policies will ever be 100% perfect. and we learn to accept policies as long as they are good for the society, and the country, even if we were to be disadvantaged. and certainly, we do not complain nor bitch it to death. i certainly wish our younger generation can do so too. and certainly, it would be ideal if they can learn to be less emotional and a lot more reflective, objective and constructive.

i worry that we now have a new generation of people who have lost the connection with the society, and the trust with the policy makers. worst of all, i hope the tendency to see things from a self-centric point of view does not suggest a more fundamental problem of greed and jealousy taking roots in the society. or has it?

foot stones

many years ago, taking walks on pathways planted with smooth-edged stones was deemed good for health. it was in fact a rave amongst many elderly singaporeans, so much so that the government started creating such amenities for people to walk on in the housing estates. and funnily enough at that time, when people meet, a common topic was about which place has the best stone paths, how sharp the stones were and stories of how they had become much healthier, and stuffs like that.

i was sufficiently curious enough to try stepping on them. and whenever i did so, it never failed to make me wonder how the hell people could walk on such surface, much less derive any health benefits out of it. it was one helluva painful! and to me, any health benefits derived was possibly due to the numbing effect the pain had on people, i thought. i have not tried such self-torture feats after that. now, fast forward 20 years and where i had experienced the pleasures and possible benefits of foot massages, i tried stepping on these stones again today. and...

hey! it didn't feel so painful after all! heh... 

supportive bosses

i am rather blessed to have very understanding bosses at work. 

when they heard that my mum got hospitalized, i was asked to down my tools and to attend to her. place office priorities lower, family is more important. one after another echoed. it was such a contrasting difference from my previous company where i was hauled up to my chief ops officer's office and given a good trashing. you better sort out your mum. she's a problem and it is not fair for me to squeeze other business units head and not squeeze you! thundered my chief ops officer. well, that one sentence convinced me i should leave that company. and i am pretty glad i did.

following her discharge, mum decided that she should attend the rehabilitation center right away and not rest at home for a week or two as suggested by the rehabilitation center manager. mum reckoned she would be bored stiff if she were to stay home. and that was what i did. i called up the center and asked for the transport to pick her up today. and my bosses also gave me the go ahead to arrive work late and to leave early if need be so as to make sure she boards the transport/ return home safely. and i can do so for as long as i need until she gets strong again.

such a nice change. am glad i have such supportive bosses.

:-)

flu...

i think bee passed his flu bug to me. have been down with a sore throat since sunday. and have been downing antibiotics and a few other medication last few days. thankfully, things seemed to be improving ok and i was able to get about doing the daily work and stuff without any problems. but i was conscious not to get too close to mum lest i infect her with my flu bug. so far, things seemed ok.

and one thing i noticed about mum. when i was ok, she would occasionally get into this paranoid state and suspect me whenever she cannot contact me. but since she found out i was sick, she kept telling me not to visit her and to stay at home to rest. and she kept calling me and reminding me about it it got a little scary. i am not sure how to describe it, but somehow it felt like as though she had something up her sleeve... "don't come visit me hor, i am ok, you go sleep and rest hor..." she would repeat, again and again. non-stop. somehow, it seemed like once i become sick (or at least when she knows i am sick), her motherly instinct took over and all her paranoid and whatever mental illness she has got suppressed.

then again, i played it safe. i arranged for my brother to visit her while i rested at home. i certainly do not want her mind to run wild when i didn't visit. one can never under-estimate the extend to which her mind can imagine. 

:-)

5-day break?

well for the past 5 days when mum was in the hospital, bee came over a couple of evenings. and other than the meals and short times together, we also managed to do what we used to do some long time back when he lived with me. you know, those mutual grooming stuff... other than that, it was lots of rest for him too cos he was down with a bad flu. and all too soon, mum has recovered and bee has to go "underground" again. and as usual, we need to make sure there were no traces of him left behind. things like his clothes, his laundry, etc. better be safe than sorry...

:-)

discharged

mum was discharged yesterday. and the holiday feel continues cos i took leave. then again, holiday ends cos mum will be at home. haha... no la, not complaining. caregivers need a break too, just that the break is a bit unconventional. it happens only when the elderly or sick is hospitalized.

:-)

frog tales

was at a wedding lunch and an ex-colleague who is still in service was there too. i could see his discomfort when i addressed him by his first name but who cares. rank and position has no meaning to me now.

anyway, during lunch, the conversation topic at the table drifted to job search. i spoke about how military officers are not very good at marketing themselves and thus would need to improve in this area to enhance their search process. and my ex-colleague gushed about how in the forces, he need not look for jobs cos the job will come to him, he just needs to wait for the order to come... well, it's nice to be in that kinda system but certainly from a choice perspective, it would not be very nice, i thought. then again, that's his perspective of things.

incidentally, i have been coaching another ex-colleague who's preparing to leave the military. when we first reconnect, i could see how unprepared and green he was, but as time passes, i could sense the excitement in him grow as he embrace this new phase in his life. i wished he could leave with better after-taste but that was not the case. a little regretful frankly. but hey, that's the reality of things. when you move on orders, you will eventually hit a point where you will feel unhappy. unhappy when larger thinking change, when you are no longer the flavor of the top, when what you do is no longer deemed critical... having spend the last 5 years outside, i can only say this - that the world out here is one helluva exciting and we need to be outside to appreciate! the frog in the well syndrome will hit us without us realizing it if we stay inside too long. worst still, we learned to justify the beauty of the well, and glorify how it protects the water that gives lives etc.

i left early during that wedding lunch. i didn't want to continue conversations with people who talks like they know the world outside and constantly use management theories to argue their points about the outside world. 

come out. experience. then talk. but for now...

seek to understand. 

be humble.

haywire mum

mum went haywire again this evening. 

visited her at the hospital during lunch as well as during the evening visitation hour. i left a little earlier and told her i will be heading out for dinner. all things seemed well. she called me later in the evening at about 9.26pm. i was in the shower and noted i had 3 missed calls. when i called back, she refused to answer the call. and it took me quite a while and almost about 20 over calls before she picked the call. even then she refused to talk. and in the background i heard her shouting "i don't give a damn about him, i don't want to talk to him!" 

well... she has gone berserk yet again by the sounds of it. sighs, must be her paranoia. you see, every time she calls me and i don't pick up the call, or when i pick the call a little longer than expected, she would demand to know where i was and who i was with. she has this thing about "people wanting to kill her" and constantly believes that i mix with people who are out to harm her. and so whenever i answer her calls late, it would naturally mean "i am having a meeting with bad people to kill her". very tiring, frankly. anyway, i called her again and again and after some 15min, the nurse picked the call. she doesn't want to talk to you, the nurse said. i know, but i insisted i wanted to talk to her. if i don't hear her voice, i will continue calling, i said. the nurse tried to coax my mum to talk but she refused. she couldn't do anything and decided to just let things be. and so for the next one hour, i kept on calling her handphone, non-stop. 

i wanted to make an impact on her. it was after almost an hour of non-stop calling before i stopped. and i called the hospital ward and spoke with the nurse. i apologized for disturbing them but explained that i had to do it. i wanted to make the impression on her. that she should not behave like that. the nurse was nice and told me she understood. and i told the nurse to work with me to manage her, given her anxiety, paranoia and delusional nature. "go take the phone from her, switch it off, tell her that her son (aka me) is disturbing everyone and that you needed to switch off her phone. show her your action of switching off the phone, i need her to see your action so that she will not expect any more calls. also, for tonight, observe her closely. don't disturb her sleep. she will dream, she might be delusional. if this happens, she will see my grandfather and she might just go berserk and want to leave the hospital. please observe her closely."

it was after this call and talk to the nurse that i stopped calling. i will let her sleep for tonight. hopefully she goes through without any issues. i am sure she will be emotional and would refuse to talk to me tomorrow. such emotional swings happen all the time. it is something that i cannot get use to, despite having happened many times before. well... let's just see how it unfolds...

haiz...

cough cough cough

i took leave today to bring mum to the hospital eye center for her half-yearly eye check-up. she started coughing and wheezing badly on the way to the eye center. after the check-up and while we were on the way out, i playfully suggested to her that i will bring her to the a&e, knowing that she always resists, for fear of having to be admitted. surprisingly, she said ok. and i quickly took the chance and made a short detour. better go before she refuse to next time round, i thought. but once we arrived at the a&e, her coughing and wheezing stopped. and she was put on the "normal non-emergency" queue. hahaha... i teased her that we will be send home after given some cough medication.

waited quite a while at the triage, and when our turn came, the nurse asked me what happened. i explained accordingly and for some unknown reasons, the nurse decided to bring her into the observation ward and put her onto the bed instead of leaving her on the wheelchair. the process of climbing up the bed took its toll and triggered off the wheezing straightaway. the next thing i knew, she was wheeled into the critical care ward, given 3 rounds of nebulizer and before long, the doctor came out to tell me she needs to be admitted immediately.

thinking about it, i thought it was quite funny actually.

hahaha!

bimbo moments

i got a message from a friend telling me his colleague was so impressed with the little compass on his lanyard she requested to take a look... and then she exclaimed, excitingly "omg omg! it's amazing how the needle remained pointing to the same direction regardless of how i turned the compass..." yup, my  friend was speechless...

after i read the message, i lol literally! and my lady colleague looked at me, wondering why i suddenly lol and i showed her the message. and.... (silence).... (silence)... (silence)...

(i could almost hear the cricketing chirping....) many seconds passed, and then suddenly she gave a little laugh... "oh, its a compass and it was supposed to point north..." she exclaimed quietly. it was my turn to get speechless!

lol lol!

bimbo moments?

oct 2013

time seemed to stand still when one is young. at that time, chinese new years seemed to take forever to arrive! and when one is in the 40s, time seems to zip by! darned! it's wednesday! and it's mid-oct 2013!

happy mid-week!

koi koi...

i decided to pamper myself and purchased a cup of koi (milk tea) (actually, my staff bought it for me). and as i queued, i half expected the sales staff to say "unker, u too old for this" cos... omg! the people in the queue can easily pass off as my children!

lol!

of animals & men

it was like a scene from an epic, along the lines of the biblical story of moses and the opening of the red sea or the noah's ark, or for that matter, the lord of the ring where frodo arrived at tower of saraman. the scene was dark and gloomy. i was leading a group of people and animals. altogether we number in the hundreds. we were on the move and we arrived at a hostile place. we needed to get across an obstacle, i wasn't too sure if it was a river or a huge room, there was an exit point to work towards. in this obstacle, there were hostilities, hostilities that wanted to thwart our plans to move. but i must get the group across. a few things were clear to us. the hostilities would know our identity and would possibly kill us.

i wanted to seek ideas on how to overcome this obstacle and i asked for the whole group to convene. i needed to find a way to hide the animals. there were chickens, ducks, birds, etc... and when i turned around, there were only humans. none of the animals could be found. i asked about their whereabouts, nobody knew. someone shouted out that the animals has left us a few hours back and had not returned. i got angry. that answer was not acceptable and demanded the animals attendance. and an old man, bearded and in a long tunic (think about the image of moses) standing beside me said, but we have been here all the while. it dawned upon me that the animals had taken the initiative to seek magical help and had transformed themselves temporarily into humans. but their transformation was only transient, only to cross the obstacle.

we came out with a plan to get everyone across. i decided that we should cross in teams. each team would comprise an animal (in human form) and a few humans. i reminded all humans to pay particular attention to ensure the safety of the animals. but at the back of my head, i was worried. worried about the possibility that some animals might have loopholes in their transformation, a tail or some animal features perhaps, and that might endanger them or the team... fast forward. some teams got across safely, including one of the most priced animal.

and then the scene changed. i was in a room. there was a woman seated behind a table. on the table, there was a baby. the woman was embracing the baby, protecting it. the baby was asleep. soundly, serenely. i walked quietly towards the woman and the baby, taking care not to wake the baby up. and i patted the baby.

and i woke up.

weekend over

the weekend came and went... and i had plans to work over the weekend. brought back my laptop. thought through quite a bit of stuff, etc... but in the end, nothing was achieved. the usual weekend routines, etc set in. sweeping, washing, laundry, bathe the dog, etc and before i knew it... but of cos, this weekend was a little different from the other weekends. 

managed to have a drink with bee last night at the marina mandarin hotel. been a while since we did that. and i had to attend a wedding lunch today. it was an invite from an ex-military colleague and so i left mum over at my brother's place from morning. made my way to the wedding lunch and noted that a few of the army people were there. not too keen to talk to them anyway. and so, i wished the couple the very best, completed 2 of the 8(?)-course chinese lunch and left early (i wasn't too hot about having to chat with people i wasn't particularly close to). and i took the opportunity to take a break from mum... came home, brought the dog to pee and went for an afternoon walk-a-jog under the hot sun before heading to my brother's place again. been a long while since i was able to soak myself in the sun...

anyway, by the time i completed my exercise, i called mum and she sounded unhappy, just as i had expected. and when i arrived, she refused to talk to me. gave me black face. well, i pretended like as though i didn't notice anything and just played with my niece and nephew. she recovered after a while. and the rest of the day was as per routine. dinner and stuff...

one more weekend down.

should i be concern?

i suspect mum has been telling my siblings all sorts of things lately. 

earlier this week, my second sis called me just as i was about to knock off from work and asked if i will be home anytime soon. she said mum told her she's very very hungry and that she needed food. and of cos my second sis called and check with me if she should rush down to mum with food. and when i reached home, mum said she's hungry but ok, and that she wanted to complete watching the tv serial before heading out for dinner. and when i asked if she told my sis she's hungry, she claimed that it was second sis that wanted to bring food but she insisted she's not hungry and that i would be home soon to bring her out for dinner... 

and today, during dinner with my brother's family, my brother asked me how come i didn't bring mum to the doctor. i was kinda curious with this question. mum wasn't sick in the first place. and he said mum complained that she had been terribly unwell for quite a few days. and since she was at the table, i threw the question to her instead. she looked at me and denied ever saying she was unwell, instead, saying she's perfectly fine, apart from an occasional choking of her saliva.

hmmm...  

finally

when i was with my previous organisation, i was blessed with a wonderful team, many of whom i hired or was posted in as i strengthen my unit and built new capabilities for the company. 

thus, i felt a deep sense of regret and guilt when i resigned as these people stood by me, supported me to their very best regardless of challenges we faced. and after i left, i maintained very close contact with all of them and supported them whenever they had any issues.

my sense of guilt will be finally laid to rest by this coming week when the last person will tender her resignation. it was really fulfilling and i felt very glad to be able to coach her and helped her through the process of job search, and that she finally found a new job that has a much better prospect and pays a lot better too.

i wish her all the very best.

tele-survey

a telemarketer called and spoke with me in very fluent beijing mandarin, complete with twirling and whirling of the tongue. she must be from china, i thought.  and after about 10sec of talking, she asked: "are you using an iphone, a samsung phone, etc etc etc..."

feeling annoyed with another such tele-survey/ tele-marketing calls, i replied, just as fluently but in queen's english, complete with a slight english accent (that i am sure sounded fake, but i reckoned she couldn't detect), "oh i am sorry, but i don't speak mandarin"... and...

she hung up the phone. not an additional word uttered.

lol!

ignore her! sad!

these days i have learned to update my siblings of my mum's condition whenever something like what happened yesterday happen. and i do so becos i want to avoid the unpleasant experiences i had when i looked after my dad where my siblings and relatives accused me of ill-treating my dad, and starving him before he died.

i invariably find myself managing people around me and not just the person i am looking after (i.e. my mum) these days. and so i updates my siblings (less my eldest sis who is not talking to me) about my mum's strong reactions when i returned home yesterday. and i got their replies an hour or two later.

"ignore her", my brother said.

"sad", my sister said.

i did not continue with both responses.

delusional

mum is delusional again.

i came back from work today and for reasons unknown, once i appeared at the door, she raised her voice and asked me how come you came home in the afternoon? i thought i heard wrongly as sapphie was barking at the same time and asked her what she said, and she asked the same question again... this time, a little louder. feeling a little curious, i asked her why she thought i came home and she curtly replied someone told me. her tone was somewhat unhappy. and she repeated her question yet again.

i turned the question around and demanded who told her such lies. how could i possibly come home when i was so bloody busy at work! i asked and without allowing her to recover from my questioning, i followed immediately with a demand, whoever told you this, i wanna know. she retracted and said, oh, i was simply asking. i did not say you came home, i was simply asking whether you came home. it was not meant to sound angry... i knew that moment that she was mentally off again. her sentences were not coherent. and i have seen enough of such responses to know she is off...

i told myself i needed to create an impression on her mentally. if not, she would continue to imagine all sorts of things. i did not let the matter rest. i twisted my response and told her that she must be vigilant and do not let people influence her thinking. i iterated that as an elderly person, she could easily fall victim to liars who were out to cheat old people of their valuables. as i said all these, i was acutely aware that no one could possibly tell her anything and it was due to her delusional state of mind. and i was cock sure about it cos i did not return home. and once again, i demanded to know again who told her such lies.

this time round, her reply was different again. she said, you don't know that person. i also do not know cos i hardly met him (or her). so don't ask so much. and she added, since you said you did not return, so be it. you did not return... i continued to put pressure on her, and i asked again, and again, and again, who was this person who told you lies! i knew she could not answer. and i eventually added that i was not to be bullied and would not hesitate to call the police if people told lies about me and as a result create tensions between me and her. i added that if the allegations were against my brother, he would have given the person a good trashing. and i threatened the same response. she kept quiet. 

i framed my responses carefully, layering different messages within each sentence. i wanted to make an impression on her mentally yet without making her defensive or upset. and although i went on and on about this "person", how i cannot tolerate illogical accusations and lies, and threatening to take actions against him etc, much of my sentences were actually directed at her and her warped logic. do not accuse me, doubt me or put words in my mouth, my (unspoken yet clear) messages rang loud and clear. and frankly, i was also experimenting with different responses to her delusional state to assess the effects on her.

she seemed ok after all my strong responses. and she was rather chatty as i brought her for dinner and some shopping. let's see how she is tomorrow.

... 

some very singaporean things

here's a few things i observed during my weekend breakfast trips to the market/ hawker center that i thought are very singaporean heartland, or for that matter, just very singaporean!

• driving up the multi-storey car park and after parking my car, a lady stopped by and reminded me that the lot i parked in was a red and white lot (i.e. for residents), and added that i should be mindful that the roving attendants patrol the car park very frequently. singaporeans share a common "enemy" and band together against the very "on-the-ball" car park attendants!

• wheeling mum out of the roof top open air car park and people holding the lift for me. and later on wheeling mum out of the lift on the roof top car park and people offering to use their umbrella to shield me from the light drizzle as i wheel mum to the car. many singaporeans are kind at heart and never fail to reach out to people whom they think needs help.

• walking along the shops on the ground floor of the public housing flats and bumping into a minister (yes, a minister of the singapore government and not the church minister) mingling around and chatting with residents. see this quite often actually, regardless of whether the ward is that of the ruling or opposition party. unlike many countries where people often live in areas so large they hardly see the people they elect, here, the city state is so small we cross different wards  every day to the extend that we forgot they are "different". and also becos of this, we see politicians (office holders or otherwise) rather frequently.

• eating at the hawker center and having the flexibility to choose food from the different races, or for that matter, food of different races being sold by member of another race (e.g. chinese selling mee rebus, or malays selling hainanese chicken rice, or lagi more interesting, chinese selling vegetarian mee rebus). singaporeans are a lucky lot to be able to enjoy the best of the different cultures.

• groups of elderly uncles and aunties congregating at their favorite corner of the hawker center chatting away, and once a while, one or two uncles would break into songs and dance. quite interesting indeed. and often we can see people stopping by to cheer them on. at the hawker center, public entertainment act does not exist? haha... it is nice to see our senior citizens having fun, and i feel extra warm to hear them sing old hokkien songs, songs that my nanny sang when i was a kid.

well... these are the little things that i enjoy and appreciate when i visit the market on weekends. it is not just the food, but rather, the ability to enjoy the singaporean culture that makes my visits meaningful and fun. and it happens all the time, we just need to observe and listen.

:-)  

the world's end

this is the kinda show where you walk in wondering why you got the tickets and walked out wondering "what-the-fish" you have just watched. haha... but yeah, it was the kinda show where you chuckle a bit here and there and at the same time go "what-the...", "what-the...", "what-the..." as the movie unfolds.

it was entertaining nonetheless.

:-)

ps: and for the records, bee bought the tickets! haha!

about time...

this is probably the first time i am blogging about a movie even before i watch it. but, hey, it looks good. and to top it off, the song "of monsters and men" is featured! i look forward to watching this movie!

:-)

ps: then again, i don't really like the idea of having thoughts over "if i were to live my life again", haha... strong believer in moving ahead, learn from the past but don't regret it.

plane crash!

i had another weird dream last night. it could possibly be related to my touching up of some aviation safety slides before i sleep where i had to deal with lots of pictures related to air crashes and dead bodies. but i am sure there are more to the dream that just the air crashes. here's the dream...

i was at a futuristic looking place where buildings were silver and everything was bright. in front of me, there was a huge lake. similar to the whole scene, the lake was silver and bright. i could almost see the reflections of the buildings on the surface of the silver lake. and then i saw an airplane above me. it was flying upside down. it flew close to me but the whole scene was quiet and peaceful. and as it flew overhead, i noted that is was in fact towed by another. funny thing was that there were lots of people hanging to their dear lives from the tow cable, not dissimilar to what was shown in this clip that i blogged (@1:34) sometime back. moments passed and the dream seemed to come to a stand still. 

the next thing i knew, i see parts of the tow plane breaking off in mid-air. and then it smashed right into the lake and there was a huge ball of fire. the upside down plane also fell from the sky and it hit the silvery buildings across the lake. by this time, there was lots of water being throw off the lake and it felt like it was raining, except that the water drops were really fine. i noted i was standing beside a bright red car. and the windows and windscreen of the car cracked, an effect of the wave of the explosion. with all the water mist gushing towards me, i could only squat down and use the red car to protect me. and before i knew it, the car split apart and the cracked windows and door folded towards and over me. it was funny, as it folded over me, my brother (who was slim and in his younger self) appeared beside me. and i pulled him down as the car folded over, protecting us.

by this time, the scene looked rather chaotic. there were lots of dust/ smoke, buildings were falling and people covered with ash were running towards me. it reminded me of the twin tower when it collapsed on the fateful day of 911.

and i woke up. 

rude prc food seller

i decided to head for a facial after collecting the medication at the mental institute yesterday. and as i had some time when i arrived at the shopping center (where the facial place is located), i decided to take my lunch first.

after checking out a few outlets, i decided on a small shop that sells chinese mix vegetable rice. it was manned by a lady and the dishes were all neatly arranged and brightly lit. perhaps it was still early, but the dishes on display were largely meat-based and there were only a couple of vegetable dishes. there was a short queue and in front of the queue was a gentleman ordering his food. this gentleman wanted a vegetable-rich lunch and asked if there were more vegetable dishes... next thing i knew, the lady screamed at the top of her voice you are the one who's patronizing my stall, what i display, you eat! just choose what you have here and don't ask so much! her voice thundered as she breathed down the man. and quickly, the man chose another meat dish. no further questions asked.

her hostility and tone shocked me. from her accent, it was clear she was a prc. i shook my head and walked off straightaway. i will not give my business to anyone who behaves in such a manner. i strongly believe that regardless of our status, position, nationality, etc, and in this case, buyer or seller, we need to be respectful. there is totally no need to behave in such a hostile manner!  sighs... there is already a bad enough reputation for prcs here, and this single one person had just reinforced the stereotype and perception that prcs are rude, loud, uncouth and not friendly.

not nice!

not me!

i wrote about my experience with an elderly gentleman this morning and how he quickly he responded to the nurse that he was not a patient but merely collecting the medicine for someone else. and i thought, wow, i would have done the same. in fact, there were a couple of times where i would try to dissociate myself with the patients in the mental institute. and i reflected on this. why do we behave like that? and i realized that i, just like this elderly gentleman, still display a typical behaviour of someone who stigmatize mental patients. 

this is not good. 

uncomfortable

every time i visit the mental institute outpatient clinic, i would feel somewhat uncomfortable. i know it probably does not sound too nice to say so, but yeah, i felt uncomfortable. and this is because there are outpatients who behave in a rather rowdy manner, people who shout without any reasons, people who walk up to me to ask for money, who laughs, etc...

on one hand, i feel sad for them. they are human beings and they must have gone through some terrible experiences to suffer such mental conditions. it must have been really traumatic for them. yet on the other hand, i have a slight fear for my own safety. what if they assault me, i thought. these people could possibly turn aggressive if they get aggravated, and it is not easy to know what could trigger an aggressive response. and with such thoughts, i felt a little unsettled.

well, one can probably say such reactions are natural and that my fears are not unfounded. yet, on the other hand, i felt bad for that fact that my fears are also a reflection that i have not been able to open my heart sufficiently to them, and worst of all, this fear prevented me from reaching out to them.

i need to reflect on this and cultivate myself more.

seeing things in perspective

many a times, my conversations with people make me realize how we (and i mean "i") have been so self-absorbed that we do not really appreciate the fact that there are also many people out there who are also facing lots of life's challenges, challenges that we didn't know can exist. and such stories humbles us and we learn to see things in better perspectives. such stories help us appreciate what we have and (awkwardly) makes us feel better... here's my experience today.

i was at the mental institute this morning. there were quite a few people waiting too. and as we waited, a nurse came around and asked if we were waiting for the doctor and asked if we wanted some drinks. an elderly gentleman who was seated beside me replied no, but quickly added that he was not seeing the doctor but was merely collecting some medication. when i heard his response, i thought oh me too! and i smiled to myself. next thing i know, the gentleman turned to me and started talking. he mused about how the services at the mental institute had improved and become a lot more patient/ customer-centric over the years... i smiled and soon enough, we were sharing about our respective reasons why we were there. i am collecting medication for my mother, i volunteered. and he probed further about my mum's condition etc. after some sharing he faced me and simply told me to just live my life well. and almost apologetically, he said that for me, at least my challenges would end within few years. as for him... this was where i didn't know how to respond to him. you see, after some time, he was comfortable enough to share with me about who he was collecting the medication for. my son, he said. he had refused to come and thus, i have been collecting the medication for him. it has been this arrangement already for some time. what is your son suffering from, if i may ask. he looked at me, resigned. ocd. he is my only son and he is 37 years old now. as he shared his story, i felt sad.

his son had ocd since... and he lifted his palm to about his knee-level, suggesting to me an age that was no more than 2-3 years old, and he shook his head. and by the time he was in secondary school, his condition had reached a point where he would get aggressive, so much so that he would assault his mother. in time to come, i managed to control the aggression, but not the ocd. it has been more than 20 over years and his son is now 37 years old. he is unemployed, i mean, how can he possibly be employed right? he asked, and he continued... and he stays in the house whole day. a typical routine for him would be - wake up in the morning, takes an hour or so to brush his teeth, walks around the house and does his rituals, head out to buy lunch, comes home to eat his lunch, and then spend over 2 hours bathing, washing and scrubbing himself. a typical family's water bill is probably 100-plus, but mine is over 300 bucks a month... sighs... anyway, i would return home in the evening, buy dinner for him, after which he would continue to wonder around the house again until it is time for bed.  the elderly man looked resigned and sad as he shared. i am now healthy. but in time to come when my wife and i go, i think i will have no choice but to send him to the mental institute to be locked up...

such conversations can make a person feel very sad. but for this elderly gentleman, much as he lamented, it came across to me that he had accepted it. i asked if he knew the cause of his son's ocd and shared that my niece has the same issues and had displayed similar behavior as his son. i asked if it could be stress and that made the elderly man sit up and for a moment, sounded defensive. what stress? he is not even working, and when he was young, he had everything he wanted, cannot be stress! he insisted (i sensed denial) and as though he suddenly realized he sounded rather hostile, he quietened down again and simply said, it must be my genes... well... you kinda know how this conversation went. there was quite a bit of consoling here and there, and there was also a few moments of quiet as we both took our breaks reflecting what we both shared.

soon enough, it was my turn to see the doctor. i wished the elderly gentleman well, and we parted.

what a day!

i went to collect mum's medication at the mental institute today.

and instead of taking half a day's leave, i decided to take the whole day off. thought it would be useful to get a good day's break, especially after 2 stressful days co-ordinating and conducting a program at work. and so i had it all planned. i shall head out of the house for breakfast, collect the medication, have a tan at the pool, or something like that, and if the sun is right, i could probably spend the whole day at the pool. heh... that is a plan alright. by the way, tanning has always been something i look forward to whenever i have time cos to me, that is the only way where i can be alone and just blank off. that has been my way of relaxing for the last 2 decades or more. yup, that would be my plan.

the morning came. and i headed out to the mental institute after sending mum to the rehab center. had my breakfast there and then... the sky turned dark! aiyoh! there goes my plan! by the time i left the mental institute, the sky was really pouring... but yeah... that did not stop me. i headed out for my facial instead. hah... and i went shopping too... and did everything i wanted. if i had the chance to tan, it would have been perfect, but nonetheless, i had a good restful day. 

:-)

a hug

i slogged through the whole of tue and wed conducting and co-ordinating a program. and although this was not the first time i conducted this program, it was no less stressful as i had implemented a lot of new things. these includes measures to tighten time management, a formal program introduction, measures to help presenters know program participants, etc etc etc... 

and added to all these new initiatives, my chief is a participant of the program this time round. so, it was kinda an added pressure to make sure she finds it ok, considering she did not have a good impression of her orientation when she came in 3 weeks ago (and as a result, didn't quite have a good impression of how the ops people conducted the orientation).  and top of it all, my ceo wanted certain things to be done that involves calling managers from across the company... so... yeah, lots of pressure and lots of running around. thankfully, my staff and i worked very well and the two days came and went smoothly. everything went almost like clockwork. 

when the whole program ended last evening, my chief came up to me, thanked me and held out her hand. naturally, i held out my hand too in response to the handshake. but what caught me off guard was her coming further forward to give me a hug. well done and great job! she said. heh... surprised, but certainly very appreciated and a good encouragement!

:-)

new week

it's a new week. and without realizing it, almost 3/4 of 2013 had passed.

will be busy this week running one of the program my section has been managing since i launched it 3 months back. also, will be having a series of meeting to trash out the company training demands for next year... and to finish developing a new program. let's see how much i can do.

realized things i had been rather distracted with a lot of small stuff here and there, and this is at the expense of the bigger developments i am supposed to do. must be more disciplined, else it would be quite impossible to roll out the stuffs i am supposed to roll out by next month!

gonna be a tough week. then again, will see if i can take a days' leave thursday to collect mum's medication from the mental institute.

foul mood

i have been in freaking foul mood these couple of days. 

• bee had some last minute business to attend to in bangkok, and left hurriedly on wednesday evening. he'll come back on friday night, he said. and i told myself i could at least meet him on saturday for a show, just like what we usually do. and then on thursday, i got sms telling me he'd be back saturday. and then on saturday, was told it would be sunday morning, and on sunday, no news for the whole morning until i tried calling and he text back telling me his flight got delayed. he only got back late afternoon. and through the whole period while he was away, it was almost total radio silent. hardly any sms. not even the routine morning or evening greetings. didn't like it. especially not after the last trip when similar happened. 

• mum was a little off here and there through the weekend. not too happy about it especially when it took me quite a bit of effort to normalize her. and since bee was not around, i spend all available time with her last few days. wednesday evening, i brought her for a brisk walk at bedok reservoir and last evening, it was a second round of brisk walk at the east coast park. by the time we ended, it was almost 9.30pm. came home changed up and brought her to the airport to walk around till 11.45pm. had wanted to initially head off for a midnight show alone but mum said she wanted to follow, and that made me change plans to take a walk at the airport instead. her late night resulted in her going mentally off again today. and she gave me evil looks this morning on top of the abrasive tones in her sentences. and together with the lack of news from bee, i was in total foul mood. thankfully, i didn't flare up or things would have gone bad.

• brought my laptop home to work, had tons to do. in the end, i didn't even do anything. all the housework, laundry, bathing the dog, mopping the house (that can never be cleaned as there is an on-going construction opposite), washing the bed linen, washing the toilets, the floor rugs, cooking the meals... and amidst all these chores, i had my mum meddling by re-hanging the wet clothes out onto the balcony railing! to catch the sun, she said! and in doing so, getting breathless and started wheezing. wtf! whatever... i was simply foul mood throughout the weekend!

and it didn't help that i had constant weird dreams during the nights... so...

for now, i just want to sleep.

weird dreams

i have been having rather weird dreams lately. i realized that i have such dreams when i am stressed and when i don't feel settled, regardless of context, be it emotional, work, etc. here're 2 dreams that i remembered clearly... the first occurred on thursday night, and the second, this morning. here's the first dream on thursday night. 

• i fell asleep, and i dreamed that i had insomnia. yup, weird, but i felt so stressed up in my sleep becos i couldn't sleep in my dream (remember the show inception?). well, in my dream, i tossed and turned, and my sleep was so light that i went in and out of my sleep (in my dream) through the night. and next thing i knew, the sky had brightened and i jumped out of bed. the room was intensely lit as i walked to the window. at the window, i saw a pink sky, and i looked at the horizon and saw a huge pink sun. it was then that i woke up (the real one), my room was dark, and i automatically reached out to my iphone by me side and took a look at the clock. it was only 3am. i tossed and turned again, fell asleep and within (what felt like a few seconds), it was 6.30am. time to wake up...

and last night/ early this morning, i had a dream that had several different scenes within that dream.

• scene 1 - in the first scene, the context was a little vague. i think i was a teacher or facilitator of sorts (i seemed to be in the role i held before i left the military). amongst my peers and i, we were discussing whether we should wear our uniform or to don the pt kit. it was rather stressful cos there was no directions and we were left on our own (the stress was that a very important official event was about to begin and we were left alone). and as we discussed, the context of the scene changed. 

• scene 2 - there was an election going on amongst the student cohort at the student's hall next to where my colleagues and i were. there were a few names on the blackboard. the students were electing a leader (of the student council, i think). and 5-6 names were reflected on the blackboard, and my name was one of them (i had become a student!). my name was on the right-most corner of the blackboard. there was quite a bit of arguments over who should be elected and the student body couldn't agree on who the leader should be. eventually, they decided to put the names to a vote. after a few rounds of knock out voting, 2-3 names remain, my name was still there. and i was the hot favorite. i felt stressed by this cos i was not confident of the role. and added to that was the remnants of scene 1 - we were still wondering what to wear.

• scene 3 - the scene now changed to that where i was a hawker (hahaha!). and my peers were now owners of the different hawker stalls at an eatery. and they unanimously wanted me to be elected (from previous scene), to lead them. again, i felt very stressed cos i was not confident of assuming the leadership. and the stress from scene 1 and 2 was still there. 

• scene 4 - the scene changed again, the student's hall (where the election was held) has turned into a concert hall and there was a fashion show/ beauty contest going on. there was a muslim lady performing. she was wearing the muslim headgear (the tudung), but she was in a very skimpy shiny blue swimming costume... i felt very uncomfortable seeing her dressed like this. this is totally not in sync with what i had understood of the islamic faith... 

• the dream ended here.

am not one to believe in dreams, but from the patterns, i can only conclude that subconsciously, i feel very alone and that i have no support from anyone around me. and i am stressed by things that are happening around me. but in real life, is this really the case?

hmmm...

she's ok...

left the lights on for the night and when i woke up, there was no questions asked. everything seemed pretty normal and for a while, i had the impression that she's forgotten about things. until...

i spend the whole day with mum, brought her out for breakfast, did all the housework in front of her through the day, brought her to my brother's place to play with the kids, etc. and we came home early evening for dinner. and after dinner, instead of the evening routine of walking around at the shopping center, i decided to do an 6km brisk walk at the beach. and i brought the dog along. i chatted with her as i walked, pushing the wheelchair and with a hand holding the dog's leash. soon enough, she said last night, you did not switch off the lights. yup, she remembered! and for a person who tends to forget things easily, it must have meant a lot for her to remember this and to mention it to me. she added that she woke up, saw the lights still on, and thought i had not returned. after sometime, she decided to wake up to do a check... it was then that she realized the dog was not in the living room, and that i was asleep.

i played along and simply said i had perhaps forgotten. then i added that it was probably a good idea to keep the lights on through the night as it would help her see better when she walk around. she kept quiet when i said that. well... i supposed this was a good start. i shall try to do this a few more times and perhaps make it a deliberate decision to eventually leave a light switched on, in the interest of safety.

:-)

experiment

mum has gradually normalize over the week after i adjusted her meds. but i can still see some signs of anxiety in the evenings. between dinner to about 10pm, she would repeatedly ask if i would be leaving the house to exercise. and when i leave, she would remind me again and again to leave a light on, to lock all doors and windows, etc.

the next day, when i see her, she would start the conversation by stating that once again, you had gone out till very late (cos she noted the lights were still on when she wake up middle of the night) and so on...  and when i said no, and instead asked her the reasons for such repeated statements, she would get defensive and instead said she was simply asking with "no other intentions or meanings" or that "she's not asking who i had gone out with", etc.

and the story repeats daily, regardless of how long or how short my exercise duration was, she would say the same thing and get defensive. you know, the thing is, by saying all those things about "no other intentions", etc, she actually said a lot more than she knew. to me, it reflected a deep sense of suspicion in her about me leaving the house. and i attribute this to her paranoia.

so tonight, i have decided to do an experiment. i shall leave the light switched on even after i retire to my room. let her wake up, find the living room light still on, and me sleeping. i am not sure how she would react but i am hoping that she would no longer associate the light being switched on as me not home (and hence staying out late). and i think i shall repeat this till she gets used to it. 

let's see what happens tomorrow...

good night!

unclefication

here's what i wrote in my fb status update:

"unclefying and discovering, still learning.

life is great!"

to me, the word "unclefying" translates to "a process of becoming an uncle" aka aging. and despite the realities of spare parts falling apart, it can be (and to me, is) a very enriching and empowering process. but i am sure not many will agree. ha!

perspective, perspective, perspective.

ps: when i typed the word "unclefying", iphone auto text prompted "uncle dying"! haha!