i hate twitching eyes

enuf said... my left eye has been twitching since yesterday!

& oh, my mum used to tell me that if a person's right eye twitches, it means something good will happen to him. & if it is his left eye, then something bad will happen... :-(

blood & gore

ok, ok... no gore... just shit (omg! i seemed to be talking about shit so much these days!).

you see, i went for the next part of my medical tests today. and i had to collect my stool sample (yes! that is a nice name for `collect shit sample') over the weekend for submission today too... so so so unglam! walking in to the medical center and then it was like `nah! my shit!' well, of cos, i did not say it this way la... will die a most embarrassing death if i were to do that. anyway, i walked into the medical center in a most discreet manner and passed it to the lab personnel... and stood aside while he prepare to suck my blood, well, using the syringe of cos! and the tourniquet the lab guy applied on my arm was so tight it felt like the blood vessels will explode anytime. and pwhhooooooooah!!! it was helluva lot of blood he sucked! a whole syringeful! by the time he finished, my hand felt limp and bloodless! well of cos, the lab guy explained that there are a series of many tests that needed to be done and that explained the huge amount needed :-)

so, for now, i will wait for the results... and of cos await to be scheduled for other checks - still to come - urine tests, bp, bmi, ecg test (i hope i don't do the one where i have to run with all sorts of stuffs stuck onto me!), doctor's interview, etc...

of sight... & excuses

i have asked this some 2-plus years back - are there blind gays? given that looks are so important, i can envisage how challenging life would be like for gays who are blind. not so much whether they can love people for i am damned cock sure they can, but rather, whether people can accept and love blind people given that looks is one super big criteria in the gay circle*. anyway, this is my morning-after reflections after watching `the willow tree' last night.

well, at that time when i asked this question, i had not bothered to research further. today, i did a google on blind gay and am surprised to know that yes, there are indeed blind gay people out there. and for that matter, they were blind from birth/ at such a young age that they have no idea what our world is like. and this hey, doesn't this further reinforce the notion that being gay is in-borne and not nurtured?

and for that matter, how many of us (both str8 & gay alike) view people through coloured and discriminatory lenses (often a result of our ignorance) to the talent and contributions by people (again both str8 & gay) around us? and we choose to disguise these discriminatory lenses by using excuses such as `conservative society', `dangerous', `potential threats', etc...

* here, i am assuming that blind gay people are perhaps not so conscious abt looks to the extend that they put so much energy to pump up their bodies to get the oooohhh -so -toned -& -smooth -an -ant -will -drown -in -perspiration -in -the -abs -crevice type of body!

shit magnet

totally not glam... totally not glam at all! and if the trend goes on, i will probably be known as shit magnet lo! was driving along orchard road again two nights ago and as i pass mandarin hotel, splat!!! a ^%&%$#*^ bomb dropped onto my car windscreen - a huge one too! larger than that one that dropped on my t-shirt couple of days back... (and yes, it's mandarin again!). second time in a week. and last night, when i parked my car after reaching home, i noted that there was a large patch of shit on my bonnet! luckily these two times, it was on my car and not me!

tscerk, tscerk, tscerk*... what the ^&;*$)%W&... if only i have this kinda luck with the lottery!

* henceforth, i shall spell it this way instead of using `tsk tsk tsk'. somehow, `tsk, tsk, tsk' sounds so ang-mo, spelling it this way also sounds more like the `tscerk' sound we always make when we are annoyed... you know... the type that almost always come with an `aiyo-yoooohhh' behind... (can almost picture the cheong-sum-auntie-with-big-mole-on-cheek-wearing-the-60s-pointed-specs- &-knuckles-on-her-waist pose!) oops, reverting to my mama-self again!... but u get the idea!

the willow tree

poignant. powerful. impactful. beautiful. profound. spiritual. simple. what was unsaid was louder than what was said. seeing more when one cannot see. clever use of symbolism. these are some of the adjectives and phrases that i'll use to describe the film `the willow tree' by majid majidi. very good acting by the casts. i was totally blown away by parviz parastui (youssef the lead), roya taymourian (roya the wife) and afarin obeisi (the mother) (pictures above from left to right). my only slight misgiving was that it came across as a bit too righteous. other than that, i was totally overwhelmed. i also came out of the show with a better awareness of iran, its people and its culture; and to a certain extend, a deeper appreciation of islam and the islamic way of life.

charles

chanced upon charles' blog while surfing the net yesterday. so happy. decided to drop him a mail and include him in my msn list... and next thing i know, he logged on! we had a good and nice chat over the msn. it was so nice to be able to reconnect with friends whom you have lost contact with.

anyway, charles was one of my staff some 10 years ago. he was the cutest and of course, one of my favourite. could sense he was gay (and i only learned from our chat yesterday that he only came out and accepted it some couple of years back)... anyway, i kept my distance. i was (and still am) very clear abt the line between work-self and personal-self. at work, i always have a very good working relationship with all my staff and there would be a certain of closeness between them and me to the extend that they could talk to me abt their life, their friends etc. this was the same with charles. and i recalled how he would also seek my opinions about some of his life's directions - like, for example, should he pursue his studies... so glad that he is happy and very successful in his career now! :-)

some recent shows

bourne ultimatum
to me, this is the best amongst the 3 (earlier 2 being bourne identity & bourne supremacy). the pace of the show picked up from the start of the show and went on and on and on... exhilarating! well, of course, there were times during the show that seemed unreal and that seemed like time & space does not exist (like how bourne can run from place to place around at world faster than a decision can be made!). also, doesn't bourne ever need to sleep? but well, this is a show right? just enjoy it! oooohhh, i loved the song & music! (oh, check out the website too, it's really good!)

poltergay
not worth the effort.

the girl who leapt thru time
ok, watched this show 2 months back, but still, i feel the need to write something abt it. so here goes - there were some loose-ends in the story that needs tidying up, but overall, a very enjoyable experience. somehow, i find myself enjoying japanese anime much more than disney/ warner bros,.. perhaps it is the theme of the stories - to me, japanese anime tend to dwell in fantasies that involves adults. and in watching them, it allows me, as an adult, to transit into my child-in-me mode of thoughts. guess it's kinda an escape for me. also the japanese anime production is somewhat more `cartoony' and that it has the charm of the age-old classic hand-drawn cartoon, very unlike western animation today that, apart from the characters, everything else tries to mimic reality, sometimes, so much so that it look and feel like the real stuff.

insomnia

it's getting worst...

jim carrey & suu kyi

"Actor Jim Carrey pleads for Myanmar's Suu Kyi in YouTube..."

with all respect, how much credibility does carrey has? even if he is, in all sense, very serious about wat he said, will people see this appeal as a joke?

god

i must say that most reviewers would not recommend evan almighty if you want quality serious stuff... i was lucky in the sense that i watched the show couple of days back with absolutely no expectations except to relax and have a silly laugh... and the show did not disappoint.

nonetheless, despite all the cranky jokes and the rather weak attempt at re-creating the story of noah's ark (in the modern context), i personally think there was a rather serious message in the show... in the show, mrs evan had prayed to god for a closely knit family. what happened was that eventually, when evan was so caught up with building the ark, mrs evan could not understand him and eventually left him with their 3 sons. god appeared to mrs evan and said something to the effect that when she prayed for a closely knit family, god cannot possibly give it to her.. not in the sense of `nah! give you!' but what happened was that in all that happened, god had created opportunities for the family to build bonds, to stick together, through good and bad times, and in doing so, given them the opportunities to be closely knitted.

i found this conversation very very interesting. for in effect, `god' himself in the show admitted that he has not actually done anything. but in asking for something, the individual has admitted his deficiency/ recognise his desires and more often than not, it is up to the individual's efforts and commitment to recognise opportunities to realise and overcome his deficiencies/ realise his desires. interesting... well, i also asked myself - so what is god in this case?

• is god an abstract created by human beings in an attempt to answer to his insecurities?

• or is god a manifestation of man's fear and uncertainties? something that man has not been able to answer based on his understanding of his surrounding? and that this probably explains the existence of god of fire, god of lightning, goddess of the moon...

• or is god an abstract created to explain the cause of human feelings eg pain & fear (god as fire, lightning, thunder...) happiness (god as nature, beautiful things etc)...

• as such, is god an excuse for man's ignorance? and if a particular religion thinks that it is god that created man, may i then ask, after reflecting - actually, who created who? did god create man? or is god a human construct (ie man created the concept of god)?

• and isn't god as powerful as what man made him to be (ie god's legitimacy is accorded by man)?
  

depending on who's perspective the questions are viewed from, it can be rather controversial and debatable and i do not have any clear answers. it would probably be a topic that will be and probably has been discussed at length by many theologists. no, it is not that suddenly i am interested in theology, it is not. it's just the effect the show had on me. and coupled with the fact that i recently got into this interesting online exchange with this christian lady who swore blind that god has all the answers and that homosexuality is a sin etc etc etc... and that homosexuals are condemned etc if they do not immediately repent so that jesus christ can save them.

i certainly do not accept her answers not because i am not a christian. but rather, i am the type of person who seeks scientific answers. and thus far, genetics is the closest answer i can find about the reasons behind sexuality. as for religion, i think a person's belief in god (regardless what his denomination/ religion is) is a very personal thing and that ultimately, what is most important is the positive influence his religion has on him and his conduct.

rata...

what more can i say... the way to a man's heart (and soul) is through food... food oh glorious food! the scene that i will always remember was when anton ego the critic tasted the ratatouille... oh, how true how true... nothing beats the familiarity of mother's cooking! the smell, the taste, the innocence, the house, the childhood... for that moment, i could almost feel the tears swelling in my eyes as i myself got transported to my kampong days... when my mum would shred fish meat and mix chopped chye sim into my rice, add a bit of soya sauce and... hmmm.... heavenly!

well i guess sometimes, it is not so much wat one physically sees, tastes or feels, but rather the feelings and emotions the experience evokes that matters most.

of waistlines & age

went to the tailor today to tailor my work clothes... and haiz... you know you are growing old (ok, ok... older) when you realize that your waistline is growing faster than your age... :-(

bird shit and stuffs...

it had been a day that was peppered with little misfortunes... but hey, these experiences made my day really interesting!

misfortune one
had this south asian worker (ok, i assumed he was a bangla worker from the way he carried himself and the way he walked) walked passed us outside cathay cinema, and omg!!! the sweat stench of his shirt was really really unbearable!!! i noticed that everyone whom he walked pass somehow slowed down and let him walk a distance before they walk normally again! wondered if he was aware of how bad he smelled...

misfortune two
a bird (mynah!) shitted (or is it shat? argh, watever, u get the drift) on me today while i was walking along orchard road... u know, it was one of those big angsana trees outside mandarin hotel where our bird friends would roost at night. and just a split second before it happened, i was thinking how unlucky it would be if those people sitting on the benches below the trees were to be hit! and then... splat! *&@$^%!&# and as if it was not bad enough, my bee bee tried to wipe it off and it spreaded over a larger area! just my luck that that particular bird who bombed on me had a really huge meal earlier... anyway, i ended up having a humongous stain on my newly bought nike t-shirt and i had to wash it in the heeren toilet! so unglam standing by the sink topless and washing the bird-shit!

misfortune three
well, ok, was not a misfortune per se. still, it was not a very nice experience to witness this twenty-something year old guy (undergrad i believe) lying prone on a 3-seater sofa at raffles city gloria jean doing his homework. i mean, his occupying the 3-seater was one thing but the fact was that the 3-seater was part of a set of 3+2 arrangement and his lying on the 3-seater meant he has effectively deprived 5 potential customers from using the space. the best part was that he acted blur throughout the period we were there despite the fact that there were a lot of people walking by and giving him dirty stares! disgusting!

gay men & woman-gazing

ya, i know, the title sounds unreal... and yes, admittedly, when 2 gay men look at women, you never know who is looking at what, or for that matter, who is looking at who. and the conversation between the 2 gay men can really be like between a chicken and a duck! i had the most interesting experience with my bee bee today.

just when we were about to alight the mrt at the city hall station, my bee bee commented that the girl was very pretty and that perhaps she could be a model... i agreed, adding that yup, she's really pretty and i was also very sure a lot of straight men would admire her very well-endowed boobs. looking confused, he asked - since when she has big boobs!? and i went on about how low cut her blouse was (i could almost see her bra) la dee da... and it took us a while to realize that we were both talking about 2 different women!

we never have such miscommunications when we talk about guys!

walk & walk & walk... nice!

been a terribly tiring but wonderfully fulfilling day! visited pulau ubin in the morning and in the afternoon decided to take public transport... decided to have a no-agenda afternoon, just aimless walking and window shopping like one would when he goes on a tour.

so, we took the bus/mrt and alighted at city hall... not knowing wat to do, we ended up drinking coffee and hot chocolate at sticky rice (the hot chocolate tasted more like cocoa-flavoured water!)... aimlessly we watched the world walked by us and eventually we decided that we will walk around exploring singapore's shopping areas (what else right?!) and we walked and walked and walked...

first, we walked to arab street (yes, walk!) to shop for my costume for my coming d&d next month :-) but ended up not getting anything, took the mrt to somerset, walked around centerpoint, walked our way to lido (along the way, shop)... had a quick dinner and then walked to borders, browse around, walked around wheelock place, made our way all the way down orchard road and finally ended up in raffles city again!

walked a total of close to 8hrs! i am now dead beat!

granite island

really, how many of us actually know that in malay, granite island translates to pulau ubin... well, visited the island today with my bee bee and was surprised by the amount of changes! ok, ok, to be fair, the last time i visited the place was in 1990 as part of my botany class to map out the vegetation of the island and changes are therefore to be expected. but oh my gawd!!! it's been 17 years! the ubin i knew and had visited on many of my younger year's weekends had active granite quarries, curfew timings due to explosions (in the quarries), kampongs teaming with activities, etc!

today, altho things are still rustic, i cannot help but feel that things in the island have changed tremendously! there are signs of modernity as shown in the nparks signboards, the hsbc conservation center, the many huts, sign-postings, etc etc... and the main trunk roads have actually been widen and tarred! and kid me not, i actually see bangla workers sweeping (ok, ok, using the air leave blowers) the roads clean! can you imagine that?! banglas cleaning leaves off nature trails! unique singaporely lor! but sadly, i do notice the demise of the kampong folks and the kampong lifestyle... those who remained are in their golden years and perhaps will leave the island (read - this world) in a couple of years. nonetheless, we were greeted by chinese wayang, altars for the seventh month celebration/ prayers, etc.

it was fun cycling around but to me, i would say our greatest takeaway was the sighting and hearing the cackling of the oriental pied hornbill, watching the pink crested pigeon pick berries from the tree, watching a monitor lizard run across our path and hearing crowing of the red jungle fowl (that is the nice term, i call it the jungle cock)!

not a bad trip after all :-)

image downloaded from http://www.answers.com/topic/pulau-ubin

talking abt death

i would frequently talk about death with my parents. not that i have ill-intentions. just wanted to make this topic less taboo and perhaps easier for us all to accept it when one of the family members (them, myself, etc) move on. be it naturally, or in an accident. also, it will help clarify how things are to be done when they leave us.

just a moment ago, my dad told me that he felt bored staying at home would like to go out for a walk/ bus-ride. but he lamented that being old, his certainly feels tired and lacks the energy to `run around'. then he joked with me that perhaps i should buy him a car to drive around. of course, i responded that it is totally not safe for him at this age to drive. and mentioned jokingly that very soon, i will be buying him paper cars instead.

well, i know it sounds kinda weird to many of you who are reading this now. but between me and my dad, this is the kind of conversation that occur from time to time. we do not see it as morbid. it's just that we have come to this level of comfort where we can joke about our eventual demise. we both agree that we are all in a queue to heaven (or hell) and that we will reach the gate some time or other, depending on the packing order. and being very attached to sapphie, he would frequently lament that sapphie will be one of the first to reach the gate compared to most of us.

anyway, he replied that he does not need paper cars, considering that nowadays paper cars are also expensive. and he added that if i intend to get him paper cars, might as well get him paper air planes. the boeing 747-type.

this makes my dad so special to me :-)

mooncakes again!

bought the raffles hotel champaign truffle mooncakes this morning. very naturally, as in previous years, i got james and his family 3 boxes. well, i guess some habits are so hard to change. or, no, perhaps it is not hard to change, but a refusal to change.

it is also perhaps a reflection of how i am clinging on to whatever little strand of hope i have left to keep the bonds, considering that with time, things that we did together, stories we started reading together, shows/ sequels we watched together, etc come to a closure one by one. the harry porter stories has finally ended. soon enough, the movie will also complete it's run, asian boys has closed with the recent show called `happy endings' and so on... and for that matter, a few years from now, sapphie will leave this world for her doggie paradise :-(

maybe, i think too much, maybe i should just enjoy and appreciate the present.

lao hiau?

on friday, having some spare time to kill after my medical and before my meeting starts, i decided to go for a facial. and after the hour-long treatment, i walked out of the place and committed myself to a S$2k package (of 8 treatments) for lightening, smoothening, lifting treatment... !!!

a lady friend of mine said tongue-in-cheek that perhaps i was too rich but she was glad that i had decided to pamper myself after so long. according to her, she would not have spent such an amount on her face! but she admitted that she had spend something close to that amount on her hair...

my only reason why we spend on such stuff is because we are trying to fight aging... or is this a woman and a gay thing? :-)

aesthetics

was at kinokuniya bugis earlier and i overheard 2 gay undergrads talking (no, not eavesdropping, it's hard not to hear what they were saying when one of them was talking like as tho he had earphones blasting in his ears!). anyway, he was browsing a book on mind-mapping and he told his friend - "aiyoh! i was supposed to do mind-mapping for my module and terrible leh, i find myself spending almost all the time focusing on the aesthetics of the mind-map instead of the map itself!"

now, why am i not surprised? :-) almost went up to him and tell him that it's the same for me!

neil gaiman

i bought 2 neil gaiman books just now... interworld (where he co-authored with michael reaves) & m is for magic. the first book talks about this boy is able to walk between 2 worlds - one of science and one of magic and chronicles his battles with the evils of both worlds. the second comprises 13 short interesting stories. just looking at the intro of both books tell me i am gonna enjoy both of them tremendously. as much as i did his earlier work titled anansi boys. looking forward to reading them!!!

hairspray

it's such a feel-good show! so sassy! so colourful! so energetic! the only problem is no matter how hard i tried, i just cannot not think of john travolta as a man! and therefore, it feels kinda funny to have this huge wo-man prancing away with the make up/ rubber so thick it seemed to bounce to a rhythm of it's own, ok, ok... half a second late. but i must say, the movie was most entertaining and years from now, we'll probably be talking abt it like we do grease now... and oh, kudos to nikki blonsky for her superb performance! zac efron is so cute! can die! and yes, queen latifah was sooooo good! i can see myself in her song! & her singing stole the show if you ask me :-)

(image of nikki blonsky from of http://movies.go.com/)

'cuse me?

today is the start of my medical check-up and will be undergoing a series of tests in the next couple of weeks. i went through the audiometry test today. i was told after the test that the hearing in my left ear has deteriorated somewhat since my last test 5 yrs back and that i have lost the ability to hear high pitch sounds.

been asked to consider seeing a specialist to diagnose the reasons behind it.

another sign of getting old?

short-changed at work

when i arrived at work today, i bumped into one of my colleagues while waiting for the lift. he looked listless and did not hesitate to tell me that he felt terribly bored and was not in the best state of mind to work. somehow, something is not right, just do not feel like getting up of bed to come to work, somehow, the fire is not there these couple of days. no, no, not that he is not motivated or passionate about our profession (altho for me, my passion for my organisation died a sudden death since may 2005). it is just one of those periods where he felt lethargic.

interestingly, i felt the same way too. and i could sense this same feeling in most of my other colleagues. perhaps it is cos we are coming to the tail-end of the course we are managing and that all of us are feeling somewhat burnt out... and, at this point in time, while pre-occupied with course reports, results compilation, etc, we are also caught in an unhealthy state of having to manage an on-going online course, administering another concurrent course conducted by our education partners in engring faculty (nus) as well as reviewing next year's curriculum. it's really very tiring.

current realities. current tensions.

on a larger context, i really think we are short-changing ourselves. two years ago, we reviewed and restructured our courses and curriculum and then rationalised that with these new courses and more focused curricula, we can start to relook at how our set-up can be better streamlined. and, as part of the overall rightsizing masterplan, we restructured. we collapsed our curriculum development component and integrate it as part of the duties of instructional staff, centralised all our admin, hr and logistics resources and only retained a small set-up to run some basic admin. that set-up now does almost everything under the sun (very apt that we called it the `one-stop center' - and yes, everything stops there!). then, before the dust have even settled and processes fully smoothened out, this year, higher management wants us to re-look at how we can extend our courses and take back some of the areas that was previously taken away... except that now, with lesser manpower and a set of overloaded instructional staff...

crazy!

writing abt my life

i took a step back two days ago and looked at how i had organized my blog and what i have posted since 2005 and realised that it was really messy. there is no way i myself can follow my reflections when the number of postings increases... i decided that i should do something about it.

so i started creating in the right column page elements such as milestones, memorable songs, etc and as i started updating my links, i found many areas missing in my blog... realized that my blog has been overwhelmed by snapshots (perhaps too many) about relationships and some other rather useless reflections. and as i thought about it, i was overcome by a sense of urgency to want to write as much as i can about my life. that i want to capture my life stories, my past, my history... as i continue to reflect and write about the present.

and i started writing. and as i write, i realized that there are many gaps and i started asking my mum/ dad about the pass, about my birth, about things beyond my time... and before i know it, i started researching in the net about my history, this led to finding out more abt singapore's history, and so on and so on...

it is so exciting! i think i will probably be busy over the next couple of weeks writing and updating as much as i possibly can about my life!

wish me luck!

mungkin nanti

this is one of my favourite indonesian song by peter pan... i like this song cos it is so melodious and easy to follow :-) well, you may ask - does it reflect how i feel about james right now? well, maybe; maybe not. there is a second more hyped-up version in sha's blog, but i prefer the original version as posted here.

sahajaku berkata mungkin yang terakhir kalinya 

sudahlah lepaskan semua ku yakin inilah waktunya 

mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi 

mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi 

reff: 

dan mungkin bila nanti kita kan bertemu lagi 

satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali 

rasa yang kutinggal mati 

seperti hari kemarin saat semua di sini 

dan bila hatimu termenung bangun dari mimpi-mimpimu 

membuka hatimu yang dulu cerita saat bersamaku 

mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi 

mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi 

bridge: 

tak usah kau tanyakan lagi simpan untukmu sendiri 

semua sesal yang kau cari semua rasa yang kau beri

maybe one day  

this is the time for me to say,  

maybe for one last time let it all go,  

i'm sure this is the time 

maybe you're no longer who you used to be 

maybe that feeling has departed and 

maybe if one day we met again one thing i ask of you, 

please don't question me again about the feeling i left behind like yesterday, 

when everything is still here and if your heart is day dreaming, 

awake from your dreams re-open your heart, 

the stories of when you're with me 

maybe you're no longer who you used to be 

maybe that feeling has departed and 

maybe if one day we met again one thing i ask of you, 

please don't question me again about the feeling i left behind like yesterday, 

when everything is still here there is no need for you to ask again, 

keep it all to yourself all the guilt you're looking for, 

all the feeling you have given

~ english translation provided by sha

birthdays

suddenly, i found myself flooded with birthdays. let's see...

• 16th aug - my niece
• 18th aug - my 1st sis
• 19th aug - kenneth my friend from fridae
• 20th aug - my 2nd sis
• 20th aug - jeremy my old friend (and my tee)
• 21th aug - my dear friend steve who's attracting a lot of gaymen!
• 24th aug - derek my friend who's now in banking
• 30th aug - chris my dear (str8) friend who's recently found new love :-)

happy birthday to one and all!

:-)

back to reality

after 2 weeks of overseas (work trip), it is time to get back to college routine again... so sianz... and my new semester starts this week too... my 8th module...

my kindergarten

i started my formal education in 1971 in a pap (people's action party) kindergarten in circuit road. becos pap kindergarten were so common and widespread at that time, the acronym `pap' became associated with kindergarten. so it was common then (less so these days) for people to ask "did you attend pap?" or for my parents to say that they "send me to pap at circuit road".

i was one of those very lucky kid to be able to attend 2 years of kindergarten education. my school was located at a void deck in circuit road and it was an half an hour walk from my kampong. daily, my mum would walk me to school and fetch me again after school. whenever she cannot make it, she would ask chew sim to fetch me instead. i always enjoyed walking home with chew sim because she would tell me stories as we walked. i remembered once when she would explain to me about shadows using her shadow that was casted onto the ground by the hot afternoon sun. frequently she would also piggyback me home whenever i get tired walking :-)

once, my mum overslept and forgot to ask chew sim to pick me and i ended up being left alone in school. in the end, i walked home myself and that incident was somewhat blown out of proportion when i got home! anyway, i remembered everyone was saying how clever i was, a 5yr-old and i already knew how to navigate home alone through the concrete jungle and semi-forested areas (it's a weird feeling for while i was writing this, i could almost smell my kindergarten classroom again!).

after 2 years in kindergarten, i enrolled into playfair school in 1973.

as a kampong boy

i grew up in a kampong and moved to the hdb flat in the mid 70s.

life in the kampong was very simple and carefree. the games i played revolved around catching houseflies, catching fishes from the drains/ streams, catching butterflies (tiger butterflies was a common sight in my kampong), etc. otherwise, my opportunities to interact and play with other kids in my kampong was minimal. my mum would forbid me from playing with michael (my neighbour) for fear of getting bad influence from him. at the same time, i was not allowed to play layang (kites) for she was afraid that i would be knocked down by cars. i was also not allowed to play goli (marbles) as we were poor and did not have the money to buy them...

so in the end, the main `games' i could engage in was playing with wooden pieces that was cut into different shapes and piecing them as far as my creativity allowed me into different animals, etc. a couple of other activities that i found fun include drawing and using my pencil to shade those pieces of paper that had blank tv screens printed on it; and as we shade, scenes of tv shows would appear in the screens. also, i enjoyed drawing dresses and tuxedos and cutting them out to tagged onto pictures of boys and girls. dressing them up in these paper-make-believe fashion wear allowed me to imagine all sort of creative clothing. it was so fun. i guess these activities provided me the foundation for my creativity in the years to come. i would also play traditional games such as kuti kuti, congkat & five stones.

my family was poor. my dad's monthly salary as a driver in sats catering was about S$150 a month. he would work shifts and on weekends he would double up as a taxi driver to supplement his meagre salary. as such i hardly see my dad. to make up for the lack of time together, he would bring me along when he drives the taxi and would hide me below the taxi seats so that potential taxi passengers do not mistake his taxi for being taken. it was through these trips that i get to travel around singapore (altho i could hardly recall much of what i saw) :-) anyway, taxi fares were cheap those days. the boarding fare was 60cents only and illegal taxis were so rampant too.

despite being poor, my mum made sure we were not hungry. she would make sure that we are well nourished. fruits to us were discarded apples and oranges being sold at the paya lebar market for 10cents a basket. those days the market was nothing more than vegetable farmers and errand hawkers who would hawk their stuff in small rattan baskets by the side of the road. as part of my growing up years, my mum would make sure that i receive all the training possible so that i can be independent when i grow up. it was with this intent that she would wake me up at 6am to accompany her to the market, teach me how to select fish, pick good fruits and vegetables. after marketing, she would teach me how dice, cut, etc the grocery before cooking them. as such by the time i was in pri 5, i was already cooking daily meals for my family.

as a boy, my mum was very strict with me. she was impartial. all my siblings had the same treatment. she would cane us for every little mistakes. and to top it off, she would cane us and at the same time demand that we stop crying... not easy.

my baby years

i was born naturally in the late evening of 17 dec 1966 in kandang kerbau hospital after a half-hour labour (according to my mum). my birth was one of the many thousands that constitute the post-war baby boom generation. mine was also one of the 39,835 birth that year that won the hospital a place in the guiness book of world records for the most number of birth in a maternity ward for that year.

i was the pride and joy of my parents and my birth was received with much relieve given that my mum had had two previous miscarriages (of boys, and if she had successfully given birth to them, i would not have been conceived in the first place!). being peranakan, my mum gave me an english name (which was quite rare back then) and had it registered in my birth cert - it was something not very common for a hokkien family in the mid-60s. my dad gave me my chinese name. translated to english, it sounded rather cheesy but hey, i am proud of it!

from what my mum told me, i was a large baby weighing 5 pounds & 12 tahils (or 5.75 pounds). fed with human milk, i grew fast and furious and when i was 4 months old, my mum entered me in a baby contest (that was in mar 1967). well, i did not win. i was overweight. i had weighed over 40 pounds by then... heavier than the baby that won the contest by about 10 pounds!

anyway, i slept in the sarong when i was a baby. it was not until i was a year plus before i was transfered to sleep in the bed. some of the things i remembered my mum doing when i was a kid was - praying to the `sinbu' or `shenmu' for me and my brother to grow up protected and healthy (sinbu is also known as the `mother of gods' in hokkien - she is the guardian goddess for babies and pregnant women. she is also known as the `goddess of fertility' or zhu sheng niang niang. accordingly, she is known to play and communicate with babies. babies smile because of her and she would disappear once the baby learns how to talk). my mum would burn incense and do offerings to sinbu on the bed while my brother and i would play around the little room. and from what i understood, i underwent some of the traditional rites accorded to a baby - namely, shaving my head when i celebrated my first month in this world (so that my head will have an even spread of hair when i grow up), smearing of my lips with a minced meat porridge at the age of four months (not sure of reason but noted this same treatment given to my nieces - with chicken drumsticks instead as late as the early 90s), no shoes until age one (or my feet will be deformed), no chicken feet until my teens (for it will make my hands tremble), etc.

and to protect me from harm's way, my parents found me an adopted mother (a woman who had lots of children was the criteria according to the temple medium). my mum went further to give me to the sheng-hong kong (cheng huang laoye in hanyu pinyin) for adoption so that he may protect me with his powers. for both adoptions, i underwent all the taoists rites. that would be the start of my annual rituals to visit and pay respect to my ah-bu (mother in hokkien) or khueh bu (adopted mother) every year during major chinese festivals and to visit the temple to pay respect to sheng-hong kong on his birthday. reflecting, it's funny how, unlike my khueh bu, i never address the god as my godfather. rather, in front of him, i would address myself as his godson or khueh kiah.

i had two elder sisters. being the first boy in the family, my dad would take lots of photos of me. some of the most memorable photos of a 1.5 year old me running around the chup-lau-chu (hokkien for `ten-storey house' - aka new hdb flats in the circuit road housing estates) eating ice cream cones. i also seriously think my dad was a cheeky person for his shots of me were always in singlets and without pants! of cos, being a chubby one and a half year-old baby, i would always get stares and laughters from people around me.

the earliest memory i had of myself in my baby years was when i was about 3 years old. i remembered sitting in a lorry and where my relatives would give me pow and see-hum to eat. the whole extended family was returning from the funeral of my paternal grandfather who had passed away in 1969. and toddler me was just too young to understand wat was loss/death...

these are some of the glimpses of my earliest days.

my kampong

i grew up in a paya lebar kampong. my address was 139g paya lebar road, singapore 14 (?). my parents had rented a room from an old couple whom we called chew sim and chew chek (auntie & uncle chew). my kampong was next to a huge red dirt track beside what is today the institute of technical education (ite). we called this track ang-tor-lor or red mud track in hokkien. it eventually became the pan island expressway. mine was a very disorganised yet charming kampong with small clusters of zinc and attap houses. within each cluster, there was a communal compound where families would meet and chat in the evenings. my cluster had a communal well and a fowl hut where my landlord reared chicken and ducks. we occasionally harvest fresh eggs from these fowls :-)

my home was a small zinc roofed room. it was a simple one room with a bed in the center. being located in the midst of muddy and wet wastelands, the place was infested with houseflies and mosquitoes and we had to sleep in mosquito nets. once a while, we do get wild animals coming into our compound. there was once when we found a python coiled in our food basket in our kitchen. apprently, the python had laid some eggs in food basket. chew chek eventually released the python and the eggs into the fields beside ite. our food had to be covered to prevent houseflies from buzzing around them. my pass time as such, was catching houseflies using plastic bags. as kids, we would share secrets on catching houseflies. one of the most effective method would involve putting a rubber band in the plastic bag and catching the housefly from its rear. in the evenings, our neighbours would burn rubbish and dry leaves and the smoke would help to keep the mosquitoes at bay. i would once a while throw my plastic bag of houseflies into the fire...

i think there were about 4-5 families living in the same compound as us but vividly i could only remember an indian family and another chinese family. the indian family had an abusive father and 2 kids. the kids were called maliga and thumbi. i remembered how the mother always roll their curried rice into balls in her palm when she fed thumbi. as for the father, he would flog his wife whenever he came home drunk and often we would hear screams coming from their room. the mother committed suicide by hanging herself using her sarong from the beam in their rented room eventually. that was about all i remembered of them; my chinese nighbour had a few children that always pick fights with my sisters (think one of their kids was called michael...) and whenever such fights or dispute happen, my mum would cane my sisters... (regardless of who was rite or wrong, my sisters were always blamed for getting into the way of michael and his gang).

i grew up being very attached to my landlord, especially chew sim; i mourned her death some 30 years later in 1999 (Nov 20). she was like a grandmother to me. they had 3 children. the eldest daughter is called nancy aka ah lan. she was a hairdresser and would eventually give me free haircuts during my teenage years. i cannot recall the second daughter's name (think it is lucy) except that as a small kid, i had problem pronouncing her name, what came out was leh-lio (or radio) and it became her nickname :-). their youngest was a son (again cannot recall his name). this son eventually stole my mum's jewelleries. we kept quiet abt it because we did not want to spoil the good relations with chew sim and chew chek.

life was simple then. i climbed trees, played with chicken and ducks, fished in the streams, etc. i remembered how the neighbourhood would congregate together to eat either green mango or buah jumbu plucked from the trees and soaked in sugar, chilli and black soya sauce. also, i remembered how the small dirt track leading to my house would be layered with red paper on every chinese new year after all the firecrackers were lit. that was before firecrackers were banned in 1973.

we did not have clean water flowing from taps. our water was obtained from a communal well that was located beside an fowl hut that was used to keep chicken and ducks. it was about 20m from my zinc house. once or twice a year, i remembered my landlord climbing into the well to wash the moss off the walls of the well. i always look forward to these occasions for it was when i would have the chance to peer into the well to look for my fish (i once caught a longkow hee - fish from the drain - and dropped them into the well...).

we did not have gas. our cooking was done on a kerosene stove. it was considered a luxury compared to most families who would collect wood from the surrounding and cook by burning these wood.

we did not have electricity. at night, my mum would light a little wick placed in a kerosene container that would burn through the night. it was also this same lighted wick that we would use to navigate our way to the toilet at the back of our home.

we did not have good sanitary and toilet system. our toilet was a wooden enclosure built on an elevated concreted slab. on this slap is a hole where we would squat and shit into the pan at the bottom. it was certainly smell galore and the whole place would be infested with huge black houseflies. and to make things worst, worms were common in those days and you certainly do not want to imagine what you can see squirming inside the pan! it was certainly a superbly grotesque sight by today's standard. but well, it's a norm during those days. and one of my greatest fear was to drop into the sai-tang (pan) that was filled with shit... on a daily basis, we would have the sai-long people come to collect the pans of shit.

not too sure of the exact reason but i believe it was because the government has issued some land compensation package and to clear away squatters like ours that my family eventually moved out of the kampong in 1973. we had to put up with my aunt in toa payoh temporarily while awaiting for our flats to be completed. it was kinda sad for me cos i had planted a mango seedling and nurture it to about my height when i had to move out. the kampong was eventually demolished to make way for development in the mid-late 70s.

we eventually moved to marine parade in jun 1974 and i remained there till i moved into my current house in sep 1998.

brave story

brave story was a very nice and enjoyable show. fantasy, magical, the characters remind me of lord of the rings, flight of dragons, harry porter, etc... story-wise, it was somewhat similar to many others where the good triumphs the bad, where the main character went in search of something personal and ended up forgoing it for a larger good...

enjoyed it a lot! and of cos one thing i (and many other gay men in the theater) find really funny - the last scene was so gay! :-)

home!

nothing beats home. i must say that a flight time of 3-4 hours is about the right duration. no need to rush through your meal, enough time to finish a proper blockbuster... for me today, on my flight home, i played and repeated the hula girls show, especially the part when they sang wish on my star (where it showed the sensei leaving on the train)... so touching, my eyes kept tearing... heh heh... and i also watched kitaro. japanese anime is just so wonderful to watch!

anyway, it's back to reality. admittedly, although this trip to vietnam hanoi was a terribly tiring one, i managed to complete my assignment and start on my last assignment for my masters 7th module! considered that an achievement :-)

and oh, i forgot to mention this important point - i think my room in the army hotel was haunted. kept feeling like there were things looking over my back through the whole duration i stayed there. and somehow, i could not sleep properly in the room.

did not have the same feeling for the one night stay at ha long bay though...

then again, it's over, i am happy to be home.

ha long bay

we made our way to haiphong city yesterday and the town planners gave us a brief on their developments. was quite interesting to see their vision for the town for the next 15 yrs.

today, we visited ha long bay - a UNESCO World Heritage site. it was a very beautiful place and very fairytale-like. scenery was superbly beautiful and i could imagine myself sailing on a boat into the land of the dead (cannot recall the title of this story - golden compass?). the weather was however a real spoiler. was totally warm and humid and made worst by the superbly hazy surrounding.

somehow, travelling to such places with my college people seemed somewhat odd. would have been really nice if i have my bee bee with me. and sitting on the deck as we sailed along reminded me of the time when i was with james when we toured windermere lake some years back... anyway, i am really looking forward to going home tomorrow.

president ho chi minh

today was another hot and humid day. we were all soaked in our perspiration as we made our way to the military history museum as well as the ho chi minh mausoleum in the heart of hanoi. the mausoleum was a really interesting experience. and i guess only a communist country can make my delegation queue up in twos and walk into the mausoleum to view the embalmed body of president ho chi minh. the whole visit felt somewhat weird because today is also the second day of the seventh month in the chinese lunar calender :-)

as i walked around the mausoleum, and listening to the stories, i also noted very interestingly the way the locals have viewed and created a god-like person in ho chi minh. for example, one of the story goes that only ho chi minh has the ability to make the carps in the pond leap out of the water to greet him... well, whatever the case, i have to acknowledge that ho chi minh was certainly a very charismatic character who was able to mass the support of his countryman and fight the wars against the invaders of vietnam.

hanoi

arrived at hanoi today and there are just so many interesting things i see! in the first place, i am writing a blog and my start page is in vietnamese! of cos, being a lazy person, i chose to click on what i can remember and `feel' my way around! anyway, some of the most interesting things i see around me today include:

• lots and lots (yes, i mean lots and lots) of motorcycles and they somehow just move around without crashing into one another!

• when you cross the road, just close your eyes and cross! trust me, you will be safe. it is perhaps easier to do it with your eyes close. really a test of your faith!

• never have i seen so many people hording a single place to buy ice cream (the type that comes in sticks)... seemed to be the fashion of the town to eat ice-cream!

• and man! the things here are so so so so #(^%&^#&^%(*^ cheap! imagine - buying 2 bottles of mineral water and 2 cans of bird's nest/ white fungus drink - cost me no more than S$1.50!

• hanoi may seem backward and disorganised. but the place is really clean. you can hardly find rubbish around. very unlike some of the cities i had visited.

• of cos at the hotel that i am now staying in now (run by the army as i was told), it is really the last place to see gay men swimming in the pool! can sense my gaydar ringing away! the stares, the looks... well, just act blur, totally blur!

:-)

mum's pain

mum's been complaining of pain in her legs for the last 2 months. it was one of those pain that she experience regularly since her total knee replacement some 10 years ago. she has not and will not fully recover from that op. and now, she will have this lingering muscle spasms that will sent the pain through her whole body every so often. so much so that she cannot walk or move properly.

sent her to the doctor and he told me that in my mum's case, it is one of those times where western medicine will have to concede defeat... and that even if she were to do a re-op, it will not help her much cos her's is a case of bone being totally worn off and her body is shifting her weight to other parts of her body thereby resulting her hip problem, back problem, posture problem etc. well, i really appreciate his being so frank with me. i had expected as much.

nonetheless, for me, sending her to the doctor was in part about giving her the psychological assurance that things are in good hands and that she's been given the medicine that will help her tide over her pain, although it's only temporarily.

i just wish i can do more for her...

ouch!

twisted my spine when i bend down to pat na na, sharp pain between my neck and my waist, kinda behind and inside my chest...

cannot really pinpoint the exact spot...

painful... ouch!

indonesia & vietnam

went on a work trip to indonesia from mon to wed this week... jakarta and bandung. good to be back in bandung cos i stayed there for one month from oct - nov 06 as part of an exchange programme. things have not changed at all... it was also good to be able to meet up with frans in jakarta for coffee.

well, next week, i will be heading to vietnam for another work trip.

kinda looking forward to it cos it'll be my first trip to vietnam... yet, am not looking forward to it cos the impression i get of that place is somewhat 3rd world and undeveloped...

wish me luck!...

we & our lesbian friends

just received this sms from a lesbian friend: "hey, we are at dempsey hill harrys, do join us if you get bored at zouk..." they must be drinking wine again i supposed.

well, my bee & i are not at zouk. rather, we are at home, just finished our face-mask evening... heh heh...

two weeks ago, drinking at a lounge in fullerton hotel, we ordered cocktail while our lesbian couple friends ordered beer...

wasn't it funny? or perhaps just natural... our lesbian friends seemed to always be engaged in some macho activities like drinking beer, drinking wine, playing f1 car racing computer games, while we gaymen engage in stuff that are more attuned to our `feminine' side... such as face masks, walking dogs, cooking, floral arrangement, house decor, gardening, etc

:-)

my blog

my blog is too serious hor?

may be as a person i am too serious.

need to loosen-up a bit...

881

i actually like the show quite a lot. i could identify with many of the getai scenes for they reminded me so much of my teenage years when i grew up in marine terrace...

881 is also one of those show where many people don't know whether to laugh or to cry at some point. well, i do not mean it in a bad sense. the reason why i said that was because there were several sad and sobby scenes, yet, in the way it was delivered, using hokkien songs, it sounded rather funny. perhaps it reflects our discomfort with the public use of the hokkien language.

whatever the case, i had an enjoyable evening.

i am a singaporean & i am gay

on this 42nd national day, i find myself, a singaporean gayman, thinking once again about how i can make singapore more accepting of singaporean gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transsexuals (glbts).

i think of how we always try to blame the society for not accepting us, how we always blame the society's non-acceptance of glbts on the government, on 377A, etc etc etc. and on reflecting, it occured to me that we (and our mindsets and mental blocks) have also contributed to this to a certain extend. if we are ever gonna go anywhere in getting singapore to accept us, we must make our moves - we must show the country the extend to which we have already been involved in contributing to our country (in all fields including society, security, military, education, economy, etc) and that we will continue to do so. and we must come out and convince people around us that we are no different from them. we must educate the society that homophobia is unfounded and that they have been flooded with misinformation.


while many point fingers at the government, or for that matter, at 377A, at any policies or even the society at large, i personally think that there's no end to it, we blame the government, government push it to the society, the society elects the government... no end to this cycle. if we are ever going to make a difference and break this cycle, it must start with us convincing them (the government and the society) that we are part of them, there's no point in starting off from a `i-you & we are at the opposite end' position. they will feel threatened, they will fight back (remember x-men? heh heh). no different from how some of us are fighting back cos we too have started off from a `you-i' perspective.

yes, there's value in organising gay-oriented activities, gay support groups, events for gay people to interact etc, my personal feel is that if we make it too high profile, there might even be a backlash and it might turn out counter-productive at this point in time.

we should also focus some of our energies to the society. and make these glbt-organised events that contribute to nation-building high profile. organise visits to old folks home, children's home, support volunteerism, support breast cancer, support keeping the environment green, fly the national flag, stand up for singapore, there are so many to think about... signal to the society that there's no `you' and `i' in the first place, there's only `we'. `we' are singaporeans and we make up the society, regardless of race, language, gender or religion.

also, it is perhaps a responsibility of every glbt individual to play a part in evolving this government-branded conservative society of ours. in coming out to the people around us, we as glbts will break their stereotyped views about us. our individual small efforts will contribute a big big way to getting eventually our society to accept us. for we exist amongst our str8 compatriots. the people around us makes up the society, the government, and everything else in between. think about it, our one small move can become such a powerful force. think about how many parents have become supporters of us after learning that their sons and daughters are glbts, think about the many glbt friends you have whose parents are politicians (ironic ya?), think about the power that we have in changing the society if we were to make the first move to open ourselves out to people around us. mobilise the people power. for the people around us make up the society. that - perhaps is the surest way to get things moving for us as a society, a society where every individual counts, for 377A to be permanently removed (important for some in our glbt community), for mindsets to change - like what dumbledore said - for the greater good ;-)

and this perhaps is the surest way we can break the cycle of government claiming that they cannot change things cos the society is conservative.

national day 2007

today is singapore's national day. my country's 42th birthday. i experienced a whole lot of different emotions when i read the straits times' national day special that focused on the theme of best friends.

firstly, i was quite amused by the many photos that show so many male-male and female-female subjects and the captions that came along with it. my gaydar was ticking away so strongly!... ooooh, there are so many gay and lesbian couples inside... there's even a male pair that has one giving his `best friend' a peck on his cheek! it was so funny that pictures with such homo-social behaviour are so openly shown with no public outcry... :-) guess the title - `best friends' - did a lot of help to take away the `gayness' of the photos... matter of perspective ya? :-)

secondly, looking at the statistics and reading the reflections about the importance of friends, it occurred to me that it is not easy for a straight person to fully appreciate a gay's concept of family. cos for many of us, our friends are our family. and thinking abt this, i couldn't help but feel victimized when i thought about how i had willed my social structures and friends (and family) away when i naively signed on the dotted lines on that fated day in may 2005.

thirdly, i felt a mixed feeling of pride of being a singaporean, yet a sense of betrayal and soreness thinking of how i had been unfairly treated by the government and the organisation i had served and still serving in for being gay... i was reminded of questions such as whether i can conduct myself professionally, whether i can be a good protector of my beloved nation, etc came flooding back. looks like i am still being haunted by that experience. it seemed like every national day, i get this mixed sense of patriotism and betrayal.

despite having watched the preview two weeks ago, when i watched the parade on tv today, i cried. again.

happy birthday singapore...

friends and social structures

bee has been away since last afternoon visiting the indon/balai local childcare center together with a community group. found myself alone suddenly and it dawned upon me that other than spending time with him, i have no other persons whom i can go out with. friends in my phone list are just that - friends. people whom i cannot talk to `just like that'.

not healthy, certainly not healthy.

i reflected on why my life has come to such a sad state of affairs. i used to have many friends. people whom i can go out with and chat away without worries, people whom i can click with. that was many years ago when i was younger.

i quickly realized that in the 7 years i had been with james, i had focused too much of my time on him. looking after him, pampering him... and given his dislike in spending time with my friends, i had, unknowingly, blocked myself out from my friends. i recalled once when his `bestest' friend - joanne - in sep 2002 (my third year) told me when i confided in her about my tensions at the car park below her parent's old flat in tampines - "hey, even tho i am his good friend, i'll still tell you this - if i were you, i'd break off with him and move on. you do not need to worry about him, he'll continue to survive without you. he has lots of friends. pse don't spoil him. as for you, pse take care of yourself." but i guess, i had, in my desire to have a lasting relationship with james, convinced myself that i can wait out my tensions for him to give me the attention i needed.

my being outed by my office in 2005 and subsequently my signing of a commitment not to visit gay places and minimise contact with gay friends did not help for it took away my social structures, structures that allowed me to survive as a member of my community. this is not unlike getting a straight person to sign a commitment not to meet or go out with his wife, children and family. perhaps signing that commitment is like endorsing a death sentence on myself. for now, i am no different from a prostitute.

but well, those are the past, no use crying over spilled milk. and looking on the bright side, while this 36hrs of absence made me appreciate my bee better, it also reminded me not to commit the same mistake as i did when i was with james. me and my bee must have our own space while we work hard to widen our circle of friends. and for myself, i need to make the effort to make friends and re-establish my own social circle. i need to find my position in my community.

again.

for only i can do it.

no one else.

coming out to new boss

i have a new boss in my school. he came in in june this year. have wondered how he will take to having me in the school. finally came out to him and spoke with him about it. shared with him all the things that i had been subjected to and the things i was made to sign. thought i should do so as his is my boss.

am happy to note that he sees me for what i can contribute and not who i go to bed with.

:-)

ndp preview

had the opportunity to attend the ndp preview yesterday. i asked the following:

• how can one possibly clear the crowd fast if you position a police officer directly in front of the metal detector & use the manual metal detector on every single person after he walks pass the metal detector? what is the purpose of the metal detector in this case? weird.

• how can one possibly sing the songs when one feels choked and overwhelmed with nationalistic pride almost through the whole show? (kudos to the committee for a good show)

• how can one possibly focus on any one aspect of the show when one is continuously overwhelmed by something happening consistently at different sides of one's view?

• what will ndp look like if there are no PLUs :-) interesting cos in almost every aspects of the whole production, i see a gay man/ woman's name being reflected... from show, to song, to score, dance, choreography, etc etc etc...

• who does the proof-reading of the ndp booklet? for i see traffic police spelt as raffic police. for a while, i thought it was a new police division that was not previously disclosed :-)

but well, it was a good experience considering it is the first time the show is being staged at marina bay. some minor hitches but i guess that is what preview is all about - a full dress rehearsal for all, including the minister himself :-)

james the gay activist

i cannot imagine james being a gay activist. he would not even want to be seen in public with me near him. no public affection, no close proximity, cannot walk too close to him... in case his students see him... well, i guess a person does change. and perhaps he has come to realise that it is his own state of mind that he has to overcome. and if this is so, perhaps he is more closeted than me in some ways? or perhaps it is influenced by dominic (still, i dislike mentioning this name in my blog).

then again, it does not matter. as long as he is happy, i will be happy. at least he is doing something he believes in and he enjoys doing it.

and yes, at times i do miss him.

still.

377A

will the removal of 377A change anything if the local populace remain conservative? 377A - is it another case of keeping it as a symbol to show that the greater populace is still conservative? and in keeping 377A, does it not reflect negatively the intolerance of the general populace? which is more detrimental? i guess it depends on which side one is looking from. and perhaps, it is not the presence of 377A but rather, how it is being used that is the crux of the matter.

then again, is the feeling of being trapped a state of the mind? to what extend is the feeling of being trapped self-imposed? which is more lasting - evolution of revolution?

i have my answers.

you may not agree with it.

so be it, i respect that.

& let's leave it at that.

then again, there are gaymen out there who do not even know what 377A is... i know gay ah peks who have lived together for years and are oblivious its existence... and for that matter, i know many gays who do not practise anal sex and as such, 377A becomes irrelevant... to them, and to these people, it is the culture, the social attitude to alternative lifestyles that matters and not something called 377A.

this brings me back to the question - is the feeling of being trapped a state of the mind? to what extend is the feeling of being trapped self-imposed?