Time's Not Up

False alarm... found out that the nerves of my dad's hands have been pressed by his ligaments and as a result, he has lost his sense of touch on both hands. Will need to undergo a minor op in the next week or so to correct it.

This episode had been quite a scare for all in the family too nonetheless. But it did give us a good reminder of the impermanence of life and that we should try to be prepared for things if and when it happens.

Superficiality

Some thoughts while updating my profile in Fridae:

- Is role that impt for gaymen? Why must it be a criterion for knowing another person or for that matter, to describe oneself? I am gay cos I choose to align my emotional attachment and sexual preference to another male and this has got nothing to do with me being top or bottom or flexi or whatever. This question irks me and reminded me of my interview by my security office sometime back when I was asked outright

- Are you top or bottom? I was totally irritated.

- Also, are physical attributes really so critical that it has to be placed right on top? Does this not further reiterated the superficiality of our community? How many of us GLBTs actually put up our real attributes?

For me, I do, but seriously, I know there are many who don't and many more who choose to send hearts/ etc based on physical attributes - superficial ya? Recalled doing an experiment myself and changing my attributes to someone who is of the RSAF type (no, not the uniform fetish ones but rather the Round Short And Fat type (as in really really fat, not rotund not stout) and guess what - my hearts received dropped to near zero... less those who send heart blindly. Sad right? Well, I guess this is the reality in life after all. And if superficial attributes are not included, there'll probably be no members subscribing to Fridae. Just one of sad those facts of life...

Is it time?

Recieved an sms from my sis yesterday telling me that my dad is in ICU and in critical condition. Miscomm. Turned out that he was referred to A&E and put on critical care unit pending further tests as he felt giddy and his hands and legs were numb.

Anyway, he'll be going thru a battery of tests later today. He was down with liver cirrhosis some 4 yrs back and had a very close brush with death. His recovery was some sort of a miracle as doctors were not optimistic about him pulling through then. With his recovery, the doctors were also not too optimistic and had told us that he will have at most 2 yrs more. It's been 4 yrs since and he has survived with that condition.

This morning, understand from my brother that some preliminary findings suggest that there might be a need to operate on his hand in order to let him feel again. Not too sure of details at this point in time. Will need to wait for the final test results. When I visited him, I took the opportunity to casually speak of death and managing his demise when it happens. A very light-hearted conversation in the presence of my sis and mum. But it certainly allowed him to reiterate some wishes (such as cremation, scattering of his ashes, etc).

Thought this is important so that there would be no squabbles amongst my siblings about managing things when he passes on. Anyway, things do not seem so bad when I saw him earlier. But this little scare did make me question if his time is finally up. I don't know, but if it is, I hope it will be a short one. Don't want him to suffer. Given his age, have been psycho-ing myself that the time will come.

But I guess when it happens, it will still be so hard to release the emotional strings.

Of Anniversaries and Epilepsy

6 months. 6 eventful months.

More than ever, I ask for blessings of strength and courage.

During my last check-up, my neuro consultant told me that the brain scan tests have been non-conclusive but seemed to look good. 2 more months of observations and if all goes well without any relapse, I'll be given a clean bill of health. For now, must still be careful and not subject myself to undue stress or I risk a relapse. To my friends - especially PEACE, thank you for sharing with me the fears and experiences, and to lawrence, monster, present, vk, pony, poohbear, ngog etc - thank you for being there. Your support have been most assuring.

And Ah Bee, Thank You.

Of Hearts, Kisses and Spanks in Fridae

Many of us who frequently log in to Fridae, sgboy etc have the habit of sending hearts, kisses and spanks... but I do seriously wonder how many of us actually think of why we are doing it.

The following are some reasons I can gather from my friends and I think it is rather interesting:

- So as to accumulate hearts/ kisses and spanks. Ultimately, the aim is to get as many hearts/ kisses and spanks as possible

- it's an ego thingy.

- To sincerely tell people they... (well - eg are cute, worth being a friend, has a nice character, has a nice profile and what have yous).

- To tell their friends in this oh-so-busy-world that "Hey, I am thinking of you!" (quick fix method without going through the challenge of thinking `alamak, what to say huh?' yet fulfilling the intention of telling they are being thought of! how convenient!)

- To signal to people that "HALO! I am watching/ monitoring your profile! Beware!" (again for whatever reasons, nice ones or otherwise - I am checking on your friend list, your diary entries, trying to understand your character, etc... or simply - I am watching you!)

- No reasons, just an instinct/ addiction or simply - too free, bored.- Or just simply self-gratification such as in the case of spanks - I don't like you! So I am spanking you! (which, if you ask me, is really v v sad!)

How about you?

Think about it...

:)

Of Immorality and Homophobes

Am at home surfing the net - oh, this is Friday evening... so, I'm home... naturally..

Anyway, was reading this little sentence from one of the forums and would just like to capture it here to share:"It's always socially more acceptable for a straight couple to do an immoral deed, then for a gay couple to find love."

How true... how true... Then again, I do question what the writer meant by `immoral' cos the word in itself is subjective and depends on the values each society believes in - and this, in itself is not constant. Thinking deeper, I guess it really boils down to just homophobia.On the other hand, I also think that we gay men (or for that matter GLBTs) tend to want to model and measure our way of managing relationship with that of the straight men's model - eg why put so much importance on this thing called `marriage', especially in the legal sense - isn't it just a piece of paper? Or for that matter, why is monogamy so valued? Is not not just a human concept/ construct? Are we, really, victims of our own creations? That perhaps, we, in the very first place, should not have tried to model ourselves and how we conduct relationships by using the straight mens' models.

I sometimes also ponder on the causes of a shift in social attitudes from that of acceptance to a high level of rejection towards homosocial behaviour from the times of ancient Greece till current. I am sure there are some sociologists/ anthropologists who might have some answers to it.

For me, well, I continue to ponder.

Of Hurricanes and Tornados

When I read about Katrina and Rita, I thought of my moments in Florida last year.

I was the fourth Singaporean to be stationed there. The period when my predecessors were there were pretty smooth and uneventful other than the usual reporting of business progress and negotiation details. However, during my stay, I had to content with a series of hurricanes (4 major ones I think) and even tornados.

I remembered Hurricanes Charlie, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne most of all. Life for me during that period was seriously tough and I missed home a lot a lot. While it was kinda exciting and full of anticipation for me in the beginning, I began to feel a sense of desperation and lost when the hurricane approached my house. We (my fellow comrades living in Hillsborough and its neighbouring counties) had to be evacuated in the end (mandatory evacuation for Charlie and voluntary evacuation for Jeanne) due to the strong possibility of a storm surge (which, if happened, would have drowned all of the town I stayed in). Orlando and Lakeland district had it bad as they experienced 3 out of the 4 major hurricanes that visited Florida state last year. Disneyland, for that matter, was closed for the first time in its history due to the hurricanes.

During the first hurricane, I, together with my friend's most loveable dog and a Thai officer, had to take refuge with the Thai officer's relatives in Hollywood, Miami in the hills. It was really scary cos we initially wanted to drive away from the storm but all roads and highways out of Florida were totally jammed as every father mother son daughter and what have you were trying to escape the impending storm. All major shopping centers, supermarkets and petrol kiosks (gas stations) were closed as all groceries were totally wiped off the shelves and petrol (gas) got sold out due to people stocking up their house as they go into hiding. As for us who were running away, we quickly got jammed on the highway and so we decided we would drive into the storm instead of driving away from it. We estimated that we would have enough time and that we would be able to reach Hollywood before the storm make landfall. We had to make our way fast cos the predicted path of the hurricane showed a direct hit at my estate and my office in the base. Even the whole base packed up and evacuated inland. It was a surreal drive as we made our way to Hollywood, Miami. The sky was pitch dark, electric wires started snapping, and for a certain 1-2hr stretch, I was driving in pitch dark at the Everglades. There was nothing in front of me except my high beam that shine into nothing and occasional streaks of lightning that covered the sky like spider web and the thought that we were on a tar road flanked by swamps in the middle of a huge gator swamp country was most unsettling. I swear to myself I would never want to experience this again as I drove into the darkness. That was my first experience with a hurricane - Hurricane Charley.

I experienced 3 more hurricanes subsequently and for 2 of them, I decided to take the emergency commercial flight out of Florida. I managed to book a seat in the last flight before the airport close. It was a flight to New York and I stayed there for 3 days before the airport opens again. For the only one that I did not run away (Hurricane Jeanne), I had electric wires snapping in front of me, people looting the shops and gas stations near my apartment, and all sorts of unsettling events happening around me. Admittedly, I crouched at the corner of my room praying very very hard that my apartment would not collapse onto me or get blown away when the storm was at its peak. I didn't like this experience, especially when I was alone in Florida at that time (my only friends and family to me at that time had gone for holiday in Washington to escape the storm).

Those experiences however made me realised how PGO our people in Singapore were. For example, when I updated home office about the possibility of evacuations, I was asked about the cost involved, whether I could cut cost by staying with other Singaporeans, why I had to fly out of Florida and not drive out, why I chose a hotel and not a motel, why I chose this domestic airline and not that etc... My gawd! I was thinking - Here I was, panicking like shi&^&#$%$% wondering how I could stay alive and how I could savage my property and all my barang barang so as to minimise damage/ lost and here we have our Singapore office asking me a thousand why's about why I did this and not that so that I could reduce cost!I had to convince myself really hard and look on the positive side that perhaps these people have not experienced a hurricane and therefore did not know how bad the situation and how panicky a person could possibly get. And in the process, I had to also be really patient and explain/ educate my dear Singapore office of the predicament I was in and patiently explained things to them; and without sounding like I was an opportunist trying to get a free holiday using company funds.

Some of the things that I had convinced myself that they did not know, despite all the reportings and updates in the media, were:

- That the size of a Hurricane can be as large as the whole of Peninsular Malaysia (such as Hurricane Jeanne). And that no matter how far I drive, I will end up still somewhere in the hurricane.

- That each hurricane has its own individual characteristics (size, speed of wind, speed of movement of its eye, etc) and that each one can create its own degree of mass destruction.

- That it is impossible to predict the exact path of a Hurricane. Much less to decide where to run to!

- That a Cat 4 Hurricane (such as Charley that swept through Punta Gorda) could have brought along a 20 ft (6.5 m) of waves and floods and this is enough to drown the whole Tampa peninsular (roughly a little smaller than the size of Singapore and just as flat, if not flatter) that I stayed in.

- That, airports, seaports and all major transport hubs would be close when a Hurricane approaches and we have to book our ticket out of the city soonest possible without getting stranded.

- That land evacuation via car would be very difficult cos it would mean driving my car along a congested highway for hundreds of kilometers and that gas (petrol) would be difficult during that time as everyone would have drained all gas stations (petrol kiosks) of gas in anticipation of electric power failure?

- That people would wipe out supermarkets of groceries and water and canned food etc in anticipation of such facilities collapsing when and if the devastation is horrific.

- That most, if not all, accomodation and hotels along the evacuation routes would be fully booked by evacuees?

Anyway, when I returned to office after surviving the hurricane/s, I had to write a standing instruction for my office back home to endorse so that my replacements in future would not face the same red tapes as me... so, look on the bright side - at least I got something productive out of the whole hurricane season.

:-)

Feeling Threatened

I spent a good half a year in Florida, Tampa in the latter part of 2004.

When I was there, I realised that I have a tendency to want to show my Chineseness even more than when I was in Singapore. Apart from cooking Asian/ Chinese Peranakan dishes (see below for a list of what i cooked), I also find myself hanging around with international colleagues from Asia quite naturally. And invariably, we would use a hotch-potch of Asian languages to converse in addition to English. It was interesting to note that the Americans seemed oblivious of our nationalities, and chosing to refer to us (regardless of whether we are Korean, Japanese, Chinese Singaporean, Mongolians, Thai, etc) as Asians (unless of course they visit our offices where all of us flew our respective country's flags). My theory for this was that as the minority, we tend to flock together as a natural survival instinct.

Was it a case of feeling threatened because we are a minority? or was it simply because we share almost simlar values? or a combination of both?Whatever the case, I was sure that I, being a part of a minority race while there, personally felt left out and to a certain extend threatened by the ang mos as it was an ang-mo majority environment.

I realised that when in Singapore, being of the majority race, I tend to overlook the feelings of my fellow-non-Chinese countryman. I would converse in Chinese and dialects at times with my peers without thinking twice of my non-Chinese friends' presence. I finally query myself - have I, on the many occasions back home, inadvertently made my non-Chinese friends felt left out? With this experience, I do now apologise unreservedly if I had made them felt so.Reflecting, I learnt from my stay in Florida was that I should be more sensitive to my non-Chinese friends. Racial harmony is perhaps something that we in Singapore have taken for granted.

(Hmmm, what did I cook while I was in Florida... Let's see - they include bak kut teh, pork ribs kiam chye, bak chang, nonya kueh salat, yong chow fried rice, nonya chap chye, koh-leh chye png, orh png, chut-bee png, oyster sauce broccoli, mee siam, tau you bak, etc etc, etc.)

Death, the Fragility of Life

Decided to move some of my favourite and reflective postings in Fridae here. Here's one about life...

Location - Tampa Florida, my office's car park
Date - Sep 04

I was on my way to lunch with some of my international colleagues (2 from Tonga and 1 from Thailand) and saw 2 very beautiful pink crested pigeon (doves) chasing each other playfully in flight. It was such a beautiful sight. So loving. So touching.The one in front (presumably female) did a playful dive towards a bright red car before she did a steep turn and spearheaded towards the sky. The one behind (presumably the male) followed suit. But alas, the male could not turn steeply enough and crashed onto the roof of the red car.

Next thing I knew, he dropped onto the ground. I ran to him and picked him up. He did not resist. He was motionless. He looked shocked, his eyelids still moving. I turned him over and realised that the impact of the hit had forced his guts out through his rear and there was a pool of blood on the floor (for a small pigeon, that was a helluva lot of blood!).

I knew there was no hope for him. I knew at that moment that even if I were to rush him to the vet hospital he would be a goner. I was helpless. I could only placed him upright by the foot of a bush and hope his end would be fast. I proceeded to lunch. I ate with a heavy heart thinking of what had happened.

When I returned, he had died. The body had stiffened. His eyes were closed and his legs had straightened. His rigid body lied on its side. I felt sad. I dug a hole by the foot of the tree, said a simple prayer (Buddhist, but that is immaterial to the dove I guess) and gave him a proper burial. That was the most basic thing I could do for my fellow living being.

My Tongan friends laughed at me and said that it was only a bird and that I should not give any hue to it and let nature take it's course (ants, flies, etc). My Thai friend, being a Buddhist too, understood where I was coming from. To me, it may be only a bird, but the life that was lost was no different from any other life I know and I respect it. I felt sad. I could not save him. I know his time was up. The least I could do was to give him a proper burial. Death comes when ones' time is up. It is not up to us to decide when it should come. Life is fragile and unpredictable. We have to be aware what we do while we are alive, do good, do not hurt people, live it productively. So that when we are taken away from this world, we will leave it without worries.

Live each day as if it is the last.

Frustrations and Reflections about Fridae

Some reasons why many of us are freaking frustrated with Fridae... stopping our Perks and giving up on Fridae eventually.

- The seemingly perpectual upgrading of server that ended up with many of us being unable to log in.

- There was a time when Fridae members suddenly have a common age - 34 years old (altho this worked well with some people above 34 who could blame their cyber-youthfulness on Fridae).

- The latest phenomenon is that many of us seemed to measure only 0cm tall. Is it a just simple case of technical glitch? or are there larger issues such as competence (or rather, incompetence) of system administrators? performance failure of system administrators? server performance? or simply corporate non-chalance?

- Once every so often, our pictures get removed and we get reminders from Fridae webmasters that we should only put photos of ourselves (and must have our face too!). Then again, we consistently observe that many other people do not do so, choosing to insert photos of faceless half/fully naked bodies, caricatures, dogs, cats, what have yous; and we do not see their photos being removed. A case of 2 legs good 4 legs better? What make Fridae so sure that the faces published are those of the persons posting it? In insisting that we publish a face, is Fridae assuming that the face/s published would be that of the person itself? From my experience, I am very sure this is not always the case. Is publishing a face all that important in the first place? If I may, I would say that a person's choice of pictures reflects many tacit details of that person that a face cannot simply capture and in itself, a direct reflection of the publisher's character. And therefore, we should not stop him/ her from doing so.

Does this example of insisting a face is published reflect the superficiality of Fridae administrators? At a higher plane, does this inconsistent attempts at censorship reflects an insufficient/ total absence of in-depth rationalisation of the purpose of the web-features (such as photos) within the overall intention of the portal by the administrators? or was it just a simple case of inconsistency in web-policy enforcement?

Shouldn't Fridae, who prides itself as the `Largest Gay and Lesbian Network in Asia', play a more constructive role of administrators and/ or facilitators to promote interactions amongst us? I believe that if Fridae is really sincere about promoting interactions amongst us, it should stop imposing such archaic rules on us.

Instead, it should create an environment where Asian Gays and Lesbians can interact freely. Rules, should be based on certain enlightened premise and not simply some superficial assumptions - eg to show a face would mean a person is sincere about making friends. Added to this, rules, if defined, should be properly thought through and enforced universally. Why censor some and not all? Doesn't the fact that so many people are not following the guidelines and this perhaps reflects a broader deeper societal issue for eg stigma? still in the closet - ie privacy-issues? fear of basklash at the personal-level? if Fridae understands this, why then, insist on a photo?

I would also go on suggest that there is an unstated implied role for Fridae to educate the broader society out there that we are certainly not a bunch of sleazy people who are sexual deviants or a community that `chose' to adopt an `unnatural lifestyle/ practice'. And in this light, perhaps Fridae should consider focusing more on censoring exlicit sexual pics being published up-front instead. Members should be restricted to sharing their sexually explicit pics via the vault only.

Anyway, for now, I do not know if what I have reflected would matter or make a difference. And I don't care either.

I am gay and proud of it and I will continue to do what I think is right and suits me - as long as I am happy.

Our Song - I love how you love me

I love how your eyes close
whenever you kiss me
And when I'm away from you
I love how you miss me
I love the way you always treat me tenderly
But Darling most of all
I love how you love me

I love how your heart beats
whenever I hold you
I love how you think of me
without being told to
I love the way your touch is always heavenly
But Darling most of all
I love how you love me.

I love the way your touch is always heavenly
but Darling most of all
I love how you love me

I love how you hug me
I love how you squeeze me tease me
please me love
How you love me

I love how you love me...

New Balance

End of the week coming.

Tomorrow night, it's time to switch of my phone again. Nonetheless, it's been a week of defining new approaches, new communications style, new patterns. It's a process of searching for a new equilibrium and the unlearning, relearning and rewriting of many basic issues/ dynamics.

It's a stressful but an enlightening process no doubt. With one hand representing the body, the other the life, the clasping of the hands represents the indivisible nature of life and the body. I am one hand, he is the other.

We now walk the path together. Hands holding even tighter.

Understanding/ lack of understanding of third language? Perhaps I should capture my reflections in Bahasa Melayu.

Hmmmm.... Boleh? saya pun tidak tahu.

Terima kasih Sayang.

Fifth Month

Thank you once again. 27th of the month. My fifth month today. Things looking good.

First time in my Life

- I got into such a situation. Very warped. But I guess this is something where one will need to go through to understand.

- I have stretched my limit to the utmost to love someone. Never ever believe it could happen or that it could be done by any human. Have given up everything including my health, my finances, my support, my love, everything. It is really voluntary. Something done out of pure love.

- I fully understand the notion about loving and hating someone at the same time.

- I have time and again chose to believe things that are sometimes so warped and so unbelieveable. Just because I love him.

Nonetheless, for all the pains I get, I also get all the love, attention, care and concern in return.

Guess this is life.

Conflicts and Dilemmas

Things seemed to be back to normal for him and `him'. At least that's the feeling I got. And I am back to the switch-off-my-phone patterns on weekends.

I also noted that he had put in lots of efforts following what happened last week and I am really appreciative of that. At the same time, I was also aware that he has been secretly finding opportunities to contact 'him'. I noticed for a fact that there have been less smses from `him' when we were together. But, at the same time, I had also noticed that he would say he wanted to go home first to bath, to change, to give things to his family member etc before we go out late. I supposed this was also to find opportunities to use his house phone to call 'him' so as to give 'him' the assurance that he was home after work and not seeing anyone, much less going out with me.

Anyway, lots of conflicting emotions and thoughts. Why did I feel apologetic as well as sorry for 'him', worried over his emotional well-being, yet at the same time, felt angry and jealous? While he had repeatedly reassured me of his love for me (and I really really feel he does), I just cannot help but wonder if he has been doing the same to me sometimes (eg using his meetings after work hours as excuses to meet 'him' for dinners)? For that matter, has he actually been taking us both for rides so far? Or was it that he has just been simply trying very very hard (but certainly with limited success) at managing relationships? I have thus far given him the benefit of doubt.

And I continue to do so.

I sometime really wished I could find the opportunity to talk and communicate with 'him'. And I really hope this can be done without 'him' telling him.

Impromptu writings

Medical - Went for my medical review today. Results from previous tests have not been conclusive. But evidences suggest very strongly that it could be epilepsy. Was asked whether I had recently been overly stressed up as a sudden spike in stress level could have caused me to go into fits/ blanking off. My first thoughts were my outing as well as of him. Anyway... Well, will need to redo the brainwave scan to ascertain my condition. This time, need to do it with sleep deprivation. Been told to stay awake whole of tomorrow night and to do the test on Fri morning.

Him - Things seemed pretty ok these 2 weeks. A bit too ok for that matter. But over the last two days, it was kinda tense due to quarrels and arguments. But I guess it was cos we were both overly concerned about each other's problems. This was made worst by the fact that he was heavily stressed out by his own problems at home.

Me - Feeling kinda weird and mixed of late cos while I was worried for Tony (Eyu Chong), I was also not too comfortable about him whenever it comes into the picture. Yet, I apologise. Magnaminous? Stupid? Conflicting thoughts yet again.

His Mum - Bought ear rings for his mum. She loves it. Glad to know from him that she no longer suspect if there might be anything `unnatural' between us. She just assumes that I am a very good friend and that I feel very comfortable with her. And she likes me very much too. Very happy about it. :)

My Mum - He would come over whenever it is convenient and I am sure our mannerism (him holding my hands so naturally, us feeding each other, etc) was an immediate give away, but my mum seemed so nonchalant about it. She can even chat with him as though it is the most natural thing to do!!!

My Dog - My dog has taken a very strong liking for Su How and plays with him whenever he comes over. She even took to his family like fish to water cos she seemed so at home with his family when I first brought her over to his house! Very surprising. Pleasantly.

Killing oneself

Surreal. Was attending a class this morning when there was a commotion outside. A guy was seen sitting on the ledge and mumbling to himself. He stayed there for an hour and a half and then walked to the edge of the ledge, intending to jump.

The hour and a half drama made the whole school came to a stand still. The police were there. The civil defence officers were there. In fact, it seemed that the whole world was there - lecturers, students, canteen operators, cleaners, security guards, everyone. Everyone was standing outside looking at him. Some were gasping. Guess everybody had wanted a piece of the drama.

The whole episode also set me thinking - What were these people/ onlookers waiting for? For him to jump and see him smashed up and shiver till the last moment when every minute signs of life leaves his body? or what? What was on their mind? Was it "Please jump so that I can get a piece of the drama to tell my friends?" or "Please don't jump so that I won't be traumatised by the blood and gore if you were to be smashed up?" or what? Were they disappointed when he finally was pulled to safety by the CD officers who rapelled down from the roof? or, were they relieved? or both? cos while he was saved, they had, in the end, no gory/ sensationalized tale to tell?

While I could sense some form of relieve when I see the onlookers clapping their hands, I could not help it but also sensed some form of disappointment (for the lack of high drama).

Then again - What on the mind of the guy who wanted to jump? or was he just an attention seeker? Was he really intend on killing himself? Why did he stay at the ledge for a good hour and a half if he had wanted to kill himself? Shouldn't he just jumped off and not waste everyone's effort to assemble the mats (oh my poor poor batch of PE students! I salute your efforts!), CD officers rapelling, counselling etc if he had really wanted to kill himself? What made him do it? What is the psyche of someone who wants to kill himself?I do not know about him, but I certainly knew what went through my head was I was at the 'edge' several times not too long ago. I turned back in the end. My common sense prevailed.

It would not be fair to get my parents, my him and all my loved ones to mourn for me.

Very selfish.

Apologies

Guess I have been too much. Maybe I shouldn't have done what I did.

Moment of folly.

Moment of impulse.

I apologise.

From the bottom of my heart.

Feelings

Sickness.

Love.
Hate.
Care.
Concern.
Worry.
Non-chalance.
Jealous.
Upset.
Frustration.
Love.
Love.
Love.

Impulsive.
Found.
Silence.
Stupidity.
Reprimand.
Question.
Yes?
No?

On?
Off?
Grumpy.
Sulk.
Conflicts?

Cold sweat.
Hot Tears.
Shivers.
Emotions.

Anger.
Anger.
Anger.

Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.

Compose.
Clarify.
Forgive.

Know?
Don't know?
Care?
Don't care?
Ask?
Don't ask?

Love.
Love.
Love.

Worries.
Uncertainties.

Sickness.
Sickness.

Last Week - A Poem

assignments
homework
lessons
lectures
discussions
group work
individual work

swimming
chalet
shopping
dinners
can food

dog
god-daughter
god-daughter
in-laws
relationships

Four and a half crazy months!

It's been four and a half crazy months. Perhaps the craziest months of my life. Even more drama and stressful than my coming out process when I was 30!

To recap, the following were some of the things that happened, well, not in chronological order:-

Was summoned by my security office and questioned about my sexuality. Basically outed by them and asked to tell all about my life as a gay man, about my history, about my sexual experiences, about my love life, about everything, basically was stripped clean of everything about myself and my sexuality.

Was even asked if my sexuality has affected my professional conduct at work. This was perhaps the single key event that affected every single thing for me and caused me to have black outs, slipping in and out of depression, stress-related health problems as well as my losing of more than 10% of my body weight.

The outing shook me totally considering I had devoted my whole life to the job and now I am being put through a whole lot of shit just because I am gay. Sighs. Made to promise I would behave responsibly, ie not to fraternalise at workplace, etc. While I see no issue in doing what had been asked of, I felt it had infringed into my personal space. And I am pretty uncomfortable with that.

- Was removed from my Masters programme following my being outed at work by my security office. Associated with this, prospects, deployability, etc everything have been affected and I guess I am as good as a walking zombie at work now. I really do not know what drives me now.- A period of uncertainties over how I would be managed at work. Effectively replaced and now with no clear job scope. Looks like it'll be this way at least till early Nov. Well, at least things look like it is a bit more stabilized now.

- With such developments at work, I am really looking at a major career switch when my bond ends or worst still, if I am asked to leave. Have therefore started to review my financial commitments, changed my car, looking at the possibility of selling my apartment and getting a HBD, reviewing my routines, etc. Rather stressful I must say.

- Parents moved out of Marine Parade; a place where I and all my siblings grew up. Suddenly felt I had lost my roots. This is another major stress factor cos I had lived and visited that place since my family moved in when I was in Pri 2 in Jun 1974.- Sister had a cyst found at her pancreas, suspected cancerous. Went for major op to remove it. Luckily she survived. Nonetheless, the experience took its toll and had a major impact on her family and had also affected all of us.

- Another sister went into depression and had to be put on medication. Everything in her family went upside down. Guess it was in part due to major changes in our lives.

- Family conflicts, quarrels amongst siblings, between siblings and parents, etc haiz. Guess all this was also partly cos everyone was trying to come to terms with the new house, adjusting to the new reality that our parents' home where we all grew up was no longer in Marine Parade; but now in CCK.

- Mum moved into my house after some internal conflicts with my brother (I stay with my partner!) Need major readjustment in our furnitures, food arrangements, etc, basically need to adjust our routines in view of new member in household. New member, new responsbilities. No, of course, not complaining. Just have to accept it. My responsibility.

- Mum went for a routine heart check and found that she might be suffering from a heart blood vessel blockage. Had to be hospitalised and eventually went through a heart angioplasty procedure. Thank goodness found to be ok.

- Both mum and dad took turns to fall sick. Has become an almost every other day affair. Couple with their routine medical check-ups, it's really very tiring to have to juggle my time around these responsbilities, work and personal life.

- Got to know him, process of going thru the emotional roller coaster rides. Very difficult. Another source of stress. Enough said.

- Healthwise, suffered black outs. Referred to neurologists, fearing and trying to accept the worst yet hoping for the best. Also, been diagnosed to have mild asthma and exceedingly high cholesterol levels. Put on permanent medication. Lost more than 7kg as a result of all the stress I supposed. Yet, despite all these health problems, I am not able to share it with my family for fear of adding on to their already very stressed-up situation. Must stay strong but find it very difficult given all the work and personal issues. Sometimes, really feel like ending everything once and for all. But cannot do so at least for the sake of my parents. Not fair to make them mourn for me.

- Also, my molar broke and had to have it removed surgically. Painful. Very painful process. Had a very bad fall 2 months plus back in my attempts at running. Wanted to run to release stress but ended up with a super duper sprain. Had been nursing the sprained ankle since.Well, look on the bright side, I SURVIVED and I have, as a result of the 4.5 months experience, understand and see who my real friends are. I have also become wiser in many things. I have realised that organisation loyalty, putting in all the extra sweat, blood and toil for your office etc mean nothing to the office and your years of contribution is really useless once you are faulted or deemed to be a threat to the office just because you are gay. And don't get me wrong, I am not anti-office now. I am still professional about my conduct and my responsibilties at work. And I do accept the facts of things and the rationale of why I was made to put through all these shit, but I can't help but feel so discriminated.

Haiz...Let's just hope things have hit the rock bottom... am praying hard. Now awaiting medical report on my brain scans and hope it's A-ok...

So convoluted! So draining!

He has been juggling his time between me and 'him'... on weekdays he gives me full attention. On Fris and Sats, he stays with 'him' yet at the same time, messages me about how much he misses me and loves me.

Then again, he knows I would switch off my phone during these days. It makes me wonder whether he means what he smses, who is in his mind when they are in bed, what goes on in his mind when they are together, etc etc etc... also when we are together, I wonder what he tells 'him' for I know 'he' smses him during these times... Is he a compulsive liar?

I know for sure that he has been lying to 'him' in order to be with me, but is he doing to same to me? He has assured he is not... yet, I wonder...But there are many things I am sure he is not lying.

These are the things that touch the very base of his soul and being. These include his views and feelings about family, relatives, his late grandma, his most precious belongings, etc. I am touched by the way he totally opened them up to me, to the extent of introducing me to them, visiting them and spending time with them, even for very personal outings such as family dinners. For I am also aware that he has never done the same for 'him'.

He has time and again told me and assure me that he is working on leaving 'him' but has asked me to give him time. He is sure that he will get nowhere with 'him' and that he has still not totally come to accept the fact that 'he' will be getting married end of the year. He has also admitted that he is really useless and nothing and cannot stand up for himself when he is in front of 'him' for he just cannot bear to release someone that he has invested in so much emotionally.

We have spend so much time crying on weekdays cos he felt so trapped. He has also time and again blamed himself for being weak and useless and being the cause of all these pains...

Things are so convoluted... on my part, I feel so drained.

Me at this point in my life

Enough of these scared of whatever shit. No point. No use. Just very unproductive, very unnecessary.

Just wanna be myself.

Don't wanna be so conscious about how I should behave because I know I am being watched, someone is reading my diary entries, monitoring me, perhaps my every single move, every single thoughts, every single correspondence I transact with my friends, etc.

Hey, I am not doing anything wrong. I am not doing anything immoral (and for that matter, being gay is not immoral). And I am a responsible person.

If I do err, it's because and I am human. What is more important is that I err not by intention. And I do not apologise to any set-up for it. I owe myself to live my life as I desire and I deserve to live it to the best I can.

I am no different from any straight man.

27th Aug, my past week

One more week. One more entry :)

Work

- Work-wise, things have been going rather ok. No big upheavals. My HR chief called me up for an interview. He told me that he will not make any comments on my sexuality as well as the moral aspects of things. And as far as my deployment is concerned, they have decided to put me in a training-related post. He added that I should also give the commitment that I would conduct myself responsibly. While I thanked him for the opportunity, I found myself just too couldn't careless about debating on the `morality of it' as well as 'the need for me to be responsible'. To me, that he has asked me to be responsible simply meant that he has assumed that I have not been responsible and that in itself is not correct. As for the morality aspect, I have nothing more to say other than the fact that it is but another view of gay men from the perspective of a str8 man.

Medical

- Finally went for my EEG on Wed. While the test itself was relatively simple, the after-effects was terrible. Felt nauseus and had a splitting headache for a quite a while. The nurse that attended to me certainly did not give a very encouraging response when asked if my brainwave readings looked normal. She said - "erm, your reading hor, don worry lah, does not look too abnormal lor". Hmm, wonder what she meant. That it did not look too abnormal could also mean that it (still) bear certain semblance of abnormality, even if it is a wee bit right? Not very heartening at all. Not when you were the one who had undertaken the test. Anyway, shan't read too much into what she said. Will wait for the doctor's analysis this mid-Sep.

His Father

- Celebrated his father's birthday this week. It was a steamboat dinner and after that it was an adhoc family karaoke session. Very interesting. For the first time, I had an opportunity to attend a family karaoke where the whole family actually sang together! And I must say, the fact that it was together with his family made the whole occasion so much more special for me.Him - 27th Aug was supposed to be our 4th month celebrations. Well, things did not turn out as well and was pretty tensed cos he was afraid of being seen with me in public by him. Certainly did not make me feel good. Ended up a lot of tense and unhappy moments.

My Weight

- Took my weight yesterday. Great not much of a change. Seemed to have stabilized at abt 59.3kg. Had dropped a total of more than 7kg and was afraid it'll just drop further. Well, at least the drop has somewhat halted at this point :)

This Week's Snippets

My Dilemmas

- Since experiencing the blank-outs, I have been feeling out of sorts. Trying very hard to manage myself, the uncertainties as well as keeping things away from my parents and sisters. Do not think they will be able to take the news. Also given the many uncertainties, it will just freak them out and make them worry for no good reasons. Let's wait till things are clearer before telling them. As for my friends, I have opened up to my close friends and I am overwhelmed by their concerns and their support. I really thank them for it and for being there to support me during this period.

His Priorities (1)

- Last Sunday, I really felt like I was gonna die. Smsed him to tell him I would like to meet him and to tell him my desperations, my fear of death, etc. His first reaction was to turn me down citing that he had planned for a day's programme with him. This woke me up. Seriously. Nonetheless, we met up in the evening. He unwillingly had to terminate his dinner plans with him. Things were very tense then. Despite this, we spoke at length and decided to patch things up and work on our relationship in the end. But I was very much hardened by this whole experience. Whatever he does or whatever he says will no longer be taken seriously by me anymore. It seemed like his dinner plans with him is more important than my life. My Medical Appt - Finally went to the specialist who did a brain scan and a blood test. Had wanted to ask him to accompany me but he was not able to do so citing work commitments. Felt terribly worried, scared and nervous. Did not like the feeling of going through the battery of tests alone. Was told by the doctor that it is likely to be seizures but could not determine the cause of the seizures. Still subject to further test this coming week and to see the specialist again this mid-Sep.

Things to Avoid

- Given the possibilities of seizures happening again, I have been advised not to drive, operate any machines or to engage in any sports that involve machines or situations where I may endanger myself. These include cycling and swimming. Cannot afford to blank out during these occasions or I may risk getitng into a fatal situation. Will definitely need to do major adjustments to my lifestyle. Since injuring my leg, swimming is the only sports I do, I really do not know how I can survive not swimming. A friend advised me that one option is to find a swim buddy so that in the event of me blanking out while swimming, at least, someone can save me. Well, I will have to look into my options.

His Mum

- His mum was terribly worried about me and had been praying for me. She spoke to me at length and consoled me about my condition. As for him, he was very sweet about the whole thing and had been nice to me this week. But I am clear that what I want is someone who can give me unconditional love and care and not his mum's concern.

His Priorities (2)

- Today is Fri and as usual I will have to switch off my phone to manage myself from going berserk just thinking of him spending time and overnight with him. On the other hand, I have now been hardened and take everything he says with a lot (yes, a real lot) of concessions. I do treat it as passing remarks cos if I were to take it seriously, I will end up feeling terribly hurt. For example, despite him telling me time and again that he will `always' be with me especially now with my possible medical condition, I am dead sure he will not be able to be with me and to keep me company from Fri - Sun nite, cos he is dead determined to want to spend time with him. I have been proven rite today.

My Good Friend

- Vernon had been around all these while helping me manage my weekends and my emotional swings. He was also around to help me manage myself and to accompany me during all my spare time whenever he can so that I do not get overwhelmed by my missing him.

Thanks my friend.

Seeing Doctor

Some worst case scenarios possible based on what a doc friend of mine said - momentarily blanking out could be due to (1) epilepsy (2) symptoms of a major stroke coming (3) suppressing of my nerve when I turn my head thereby causing a momentary shutting of the nerves (4) brain tumor / clot (5) etc.

Whatever the case, it does not seem good.

Will be seeing a doctor tomorrow to get some referral to a neuro.

Snippets of my life over the past week

His Mum (1)

- Have always been able to talk and relate to his mum. On the other hand, he is also very conscious and careful about what she thinks of him meeting up with me so often. Interestingly, when he asked her to join us for supper couple of nights back, she said she did not want to be the lamp-post. Innocent comment perhaps but well, interesting.

His Mum (2)

- Yesterday, when he left his house to meet up with me, his mum asked him how come he meets up with me so often. Think she is beginning to miss having him spent time with her at home. On my part, I am also scared of her finding out the real goings between us, but he has time and again reassured me that she is perfectly fine with me and that she is comfortable with me.

My Mum (1)

- My mum has been living with me and my partner for the last 2 months. During this period, I am sure she had observed the goings in the house. I am also sure she is aware of the people in my life currently. Nonetheless, she had kept quiet about it. Guess it's a case of her seeing only what she wants to see. Whatever it is, I feel glad she is accepting things just fine.

My Mum (2)

- A quiet and reserved person, my mum would prefer to keep to herself and stay in the room when my friends visit. But when he came over to my place yesterday, she got up of bed (despite being sick and groggy) to say hello to him. She went on to cut dragonfruit for him and sat with him in the living room to chat with him. Very surprised. Guess she likes him too cos she has occasionally asked abt him and how he is. Am sure she is aware of our goings. Putting in Effort - Things has never been better between us. He has been putting in so much effort to spent time with me I am beginning to feel a bit bad. I appreciate his efforts and can really feel that he loves me.

Forced Savings

- Started a joint account with him to help him save for rainy days. Things have not been good for him over the last few months but he is trying very hard to settle his financial issues. At least with a joint account, he can deposit his money in it and I can hold the purse strings.

New Job

- This coming Monday, I've been asked to assist another department to clear some backlogged issues. I am not too particularly keen to do this as there are no clear terms of reference of what I am supposed to do.

Blank off

Over the last few months, I have experienced at least 4 - 5 occasions where I just blanked off. The type where you enter into a state of not knowing what is going around you and forgets everything for that split second.

First occurence

- 2 months back. In office, sms-ing him. We were in the middle of an sms-argument when the next thing I knew, I really could not recall what we had been arguing about and what happened that morning. My mind went into a state of temporary memory loss.

Second occurence

- A month plus back. Driving out of my basement car park, negotiating a turn. Next thing I knew, my partner screamed for me to stop. I had apparently been accelerating my car into the wall. And had my partner not stopped me in time, I would have driven into the wall without even realising it. Last I could recall was negotiating the turn and had thought I was already driving out of my car park.

Third occurence

- Yesterday, driving along ECP. About to exit at Simei. Next thing I knew, I almost drive up the road curb cos I had blanked off. Regain my senses in time to swerve back onto the road. Close shave.

Fourth occurence

- Today. At the car park. Reversing my car. He was beside me talking on the phone to someone and a friend was at the back seat. I clearly remembered trying to reverse my car into the lot. Next thing I knew, I had banged into the railing big time. I had apparently blanked out while reversing and my leg had accelerated the car in a reverse manner.

I am freaked out.

What's happening to me?!

Seemed to be getting a bit more often.

No National Day for me this year

National Day Parades and events have always been emotional for me.

This year, it will be no exception. But this year, I will not be celebrating it. I somehow do not have the want to want to do it. I reckon it will be too emotional for me after all those things that happened to me over the last few months. I am the type who would choke and tear (with pride and joy) when I hear the roaring of the airplanes over me when I jog along East Coast during the NDP, or when I sing the National Anthem, or when I recite the National Pledge.

Also, for the first time since we are encouraged to fly the national flag many years back, I have decided I will not do it, not on my car, not at home, not anywhere. I will not watch the NDP over the tv, I will not even switch on my radio. I will not participate in any ND events. I will not even attend my company's ND Observance Event. I do not want to end up tearing in front of all my colleagues.

I may be anti-system now, but I am doing this not because I am any less patriotic. Rather, I am doing this for self-preservation. I am doing this to keep myself from getting emotional. It will make me wallow again. It will make me depress again. I want to keep my sanity.I had wanted to leave country during this period. But circumstances forced my to stay. Probably, I'll occupy myself with housework, play with my dog. Spend some quiet time with my partner and my mum at home, have a quiet meal. Housework can be therapeutic. Just need to get into the mood. And once you get the hang of it, you'll keep going. And you'll get a good workout too.

Need a break. Need to keep my calm.

Dim Sum Dollies

I watched Dim Sum Dollies earlier and I was probably the only person in the theatre to cry.

I cried twice - once during the opening song where they sang about being happy, daring to be happy, living to the fullest and being blessed with rainbows. And then again during the closing number where they sang the National Anthem.

I couldn't help it.

During the opening number, I felt the frustrations of being bottled up and trying so very hard to want to break out and when I tried, I was strangled from all angles. And for the closing number, I felt the frustrations and contradictions between patriotism; wanting to be a part of this country I love so much and a system that is so unforgiving and discriminating to me because of my sexuality.

I was overwhelmed. My tears just fell. As I was driving home, I couldn't help once again but cried like a baby. While I have been telling myself I mustn't wallow, I find myself feeling miserable time and again.

I need to get myself composed and go on.

I owe it to myself to live my life as I want.

Patterns

Weekdays we meet.

Weekends I have to switch my phone off on Sat evenings.

Cannot bear to read the smses cos he will be with him.

Staying over.

Perhaps this also gives me a break emotionally.

Thanks

Thanks Gerald for dropping by.

Thanks for making the visit so natural.

Was initially unsure of how u'd react when u meet my partner or whether u'll be homophobic... but guess my fears were unfounded.

Coming out to str8 friends

Over the last few months, I came out to no less than 3 str8 friends, 2 of which, I have been very close to.

Not too sure why the sudden courage but I am sure the fact that I was outed in my office; and till today, still in limbo about how it'll affect my work, gave me some form of courage (and perhaps, desperation) to want to seek some emotional support from them.

And yes, they have been most supportive. Really want to thank them for being there for me during the most trying period of my life. Very assuring. Very important to me.

Thanks Gerald, BS and Chris for the friendship. And thanks too to all those (straight ones too) who have all along been supportive (including Jason, Joanne, Lawrence, LK and MY) all these while.

Born Gay; me and my close (str8) friend

Peter wrote to me after reading my previous entry that being gay is not a choice as what my best friend's email reply (after i came out to him) had suggested.

I feel likewise. For me, I am sure I was born gay. I believe my internal conflicts and struggles before coming out at age 30 was largely due to my inability to understand and accept my behaviour and views of men as it contradicted what I was programmed to believe since birth. Nonetheless, when my best friend (bs) said he respected my `personal choice', I did not see the need to debate on these 2 words. Personally, I think he will probably not be able to fully comprehend it too (he is straight and is married with 2 kids).

I also believe my coming out to him must have been as traumatic for him - considering that his very close (if not, the closest) friend come out to him after 19 years. I could sense this in his email cos for the very first time, he spelt my name wrongly. Call me drama if you wish but I could sense his hands trembling while he typed the very carefuly worded email. Let it be. Let things cool down. Let him come to terms with my being gay first. Let us establish the new balance in our friendship and overcome the awkwardness in our interactions before I start talking about sexuality issues.

I guess he will never fully understand my feelings towards him. We were so close back then during our NSF days in 1986/7. We were in different Coys, but whenever possible, we would do everything together. Spent whatever free time we had together. Chat on the phone whenever we were apart (we did not have mobile phones then, and we had to carry so many 10cent coins to call each other on coinphones), etc. We would spent our weekends together, shopping, watching movies or just sitting by the marina bay chatting through the night. And we knew exactly where and when to meet when we say let's meet later - same place, same time. It's always 6.30pm at the wisma atria clock (back then there was a clock outside wisma atria). We were just so bloody close. So much so that many of our camp mates thought we were boyfriends (considering all my camp mates are straight and that the concept of gay was not very well known or accepted back then).

Reflecting it was really beyond just male-bonding. But it seemed so natural for us.The closeness led to the feeling of terrible pains when we parted our ways. With my encouragement, he went overseas to further his studies. The joys of writing and recieving letters and postcards (back then, we had no emails) to and from each other every day for more than 2 years; the joys of seeing him graduate and return; and again, the pains of him leaving me to work and eventually his migration to the States. And during that whole period, I kept close contact with his family, visited them and gave tuition to his brother. To me, they were also my famiy.Between us, there was nothing we do not speak to each other about. But some things we avoided. These included anything related to sex, relationships and religion.

He'll probably never understand how I felt when he came back from States one day and asked me to be his bestman for his wedding. I did not even know he had a girlfriend. He did not tell me. I guessed he felt awkward asking too cos we'd never spoken abt his girlfriend and he did not know how I'd react. But I helped. I got to meet his girlfriend. Internally, I hated her. But I have since learned to accept her. She is now a dear friend too. I helped co-ord his wedding. Helped decorate the church. Be his bestman. Be his driver. Took care of his family. Took care of everything for him.

For me, it was extra awkward for I did not understand why I had felt that way. I had not even come to terms with my sexuality.

It was difficult.

But, that's all in the past. What is important now is that we are still friends.

Feeling Relieved

Been roller coastering emotionally over the last couple of days while coming to terms with him and his inability to break off from his other despite his other telling him of his wedding plans.

Nonetheless, we finally decided that we'll hold each other's hand tight and go thru this roller coaster ride together. On the other hand, finally found the courage to come out to a very dear friend of mine. Been the best of friends for the last 19 years and for a short while, everybody thought we were partners back in 1986. He has since migrated to States. Then again, he is straight and now has a wife and 2 kids.

Wrote him an email and came out to him last Friday. He did not reply until today. For a while, I thought I had lost a special friend. His words in his email reads - "Our friendship will always be the same whatever your personal choice may be."

I feel so relieved.

growing up, coming out

Having been brought up in a very strict family environment where traditional and conservative views are passed from parents to their kids, I invariably found myself struggling with my sexuality when I was younger.

Was touched (then again, I could have stopped it but I did not) by a man when I was 14 years old at Katong Pool. He was a 30-plus year old man. That was my first sexual experience with a man. The experience created a deep sense of curiosity in me. The concept of "gay" just did not exist in my mind, and the thought of myself enjoying carnal pleasures with men simply freaked me out, although it seemed so natural. And although it was so pleasurable, I felt guilty. I thought I was abnormal!

Got myself seriously involved with WM when I was in my first year in NUS. He was bisexual. Malaysian. Had a girlfriend back in Ipoh, but in Singapore, he and I were an inseparable item. Our relationship was highly sexual in nature. But I could not accept the gay lifestyle as the way ahead for me due to my upbringing. I also saw no future in being gay in part because I (still at that time) felt it was `abnormal' and that it would be a lonely world out there. I ended up ignoring WM and we eventually separated. I hurt him big time. In my final year of NUS, I was introduced to the whole new gay world through a person I met while doing my science project and that sparked off a greater sense of curiosity and introduced me to the gay community and culture in Singapore.

That chance encounter with that gay man made me realise that there is a whole big community out there who are just like me. A sense of relief no doubt, but that did not take away the sense of shame, guilt and regret whenever I engaged in sex with other men. I felt dirty, I felt confused. The scenes kept repeating in my head. They haunted me. All these despite having had sex with men previously. I felt I had betrayed my parents (and for that matter, my ancestors) in that I will not be able to procreate and carry on the family name if I were to embrace a gay lifestyle. As such, I chose to lead a double life with the hope that I would get married one day. That was the start of my closeted dual life - day time as a straight man and night time as a gay man who seeked out dark places for ONS.

Reflecting, my life as a straight person in the day was nothing but a cover to my gay side. I was a closeted case. At that point in time, my gay lifestyle comprised largely my ONS - very sexual, very physical, very intense, very anonymous. I went by a pseudonym and created a pseudo-persona of myself. Conversation with other gay men I met were nothing more that superficial stuff. Nothing personal and nothing about my real self was ever discussed.

My first crush was on a person I met at the Fort Road beach. That was the first time, my viel of anonymity was lifted and I got myself emotionally involved. I introduced myself to him using my real name, telling him about my family, etc. It was just so so natural. But it was one-sided. Nonetheless, he was also the one who eventually made me accept myself as a gay man. That was my coming out.

1996, age - 30 years old.

That was a traumatic process. In a way, it was a process of being reborn. I had to re-educate myself about what I should see as `normal', rather, I had to broaden my definition of normality where sexuality issues are concerned. I had to realign my thoughts and re-learn everything. In the process, internal conflicts led me to attempt suicide at least twice. When I finally came to terms with my sexuality, I started experimenting with relationships. It was no less traumatic that the coming out process. But I mature and grow along the way. I also found myself getting more and more accepting about gay sex and the various fetishes. This was greatly helped by the explosion of information in the internet.

I came to accept things as they are and learn to be less judgemental. For what is acceptable to me, may not be so to others, and vice versa. So who am I to be the judge? Reflecting, there are several key areas that I felt had influenced my conduct, first as a closeted case, and then as a gay man. They include - my family - especially my parents, then my work, then my friends.

My parents - as I said, I was brought up in a very traditional environment. Strong family values. Strict believes in procreation and that the man is the center of the family and that the man is responsible to carry on the oh-so-important family name (such ancestral baggage!). That there is a gay man in the midst of the family is something that is beyond anyone's thoughts and this comes with strong stigma and embarrassment.

To protect my parents, I had to keep my sexuality from them. I had also avoided giving my contacts to men. I adopted a pseudoname, adopted a pseudo-identity, a pseudo-persona, etc etc etc. All these made me felt really empty and hollow. Internal conflict follows. Big time. My eventual coming out was on the premise that I should not bluff myself anymore and to start living a life - my life. And in doing so, I understand that my parents may be hurt and embarrassed by me. And I have to manage them sensitively.

On the other hand, I really do not want to get married and sometime down the line, cheat on my wife and kids, worst still, with a man. As such, I chose to not tell the whole truth to my parents, for they will move on very soon. Not telling my parents the truth to me, is not lying. It perhaps is my only mechanism to protect them, from other relatives, from friends and from themselves.

My work - I work in an environment where image and identity as well as public confidence is very important. As such, my company is highly homophobic and it is with this fear of being penalised and being asked to resigned that I had to stay underground at work. I loved my company and have been most professional and dedicated in all my undertakings. My coming to terms with myself came after more than 15 years with my company. I eventually fell in love with my current partner 6 years ago and eventually left my company. This was also considering I had decided then, having just came out, felt that I should give myself a chance at a new company where homophobia would probably be less stark. I was to eventually realise that my behaviour of being scared (due to my perception of homophobia) was largely caused by my own mental block. Equipped with this realisation, I decided to rejoin my old company. Today, after being outed by my company and suffering the possible implications, I reflect back and wondered if I had made the right choice in returning to my company.

My friends - I am a person who cannot live without friends. They are important to me. I do not need many, just a couple who is close to me and whom I can be myself when I interact with them. Today, I am happy to say that amongst the many straight close friends whom I made over the years, many of them have come to accept me as gay and have unconditionally accepted me and my partner. Of course there are some others whom I have not come out to, but I chose to take it slow. There is really no urgency for me to come out to every single one of them as yet, but I am sure I will do it at an opportune time. I believe that if the friendship is strong, the issue of sexuality would not be a factor.

A Surprising Development

A, B, C, D....

A became a little more attentive to BB and C's relationship grew stronger and stronger.

C continues his internal struggles but found it difficult to balance between B and D.

Yesterday, D dated C and told him he wanted to break off as he felt insecure with C.

C was devastated but couldn't do anything but to give D his blessings.

C also felt guilty for the fact that he is seeing B behind D's back.

Today, D smsed C, asking to patch back and asked C to promise him not to make him feel insecure.

Despite C's earlier resolve to let D go, he continued to hold onto some hope for D's return.

This evening, D called C and asked for forgiveness, D finally dropped the bombshell that he will be getting thru the ROM with a lesbian friend end of the year - a staged wedding no doubt - but this gave C the worst possible blow.

C took the second blow C was helpless.

Despite earlier resolve to let D go, C felt v hurt.

At this juncture, B was highly concern, not for that fact that he and A are smoothening things out, but also for the fact the C is going thru all these turmoil.

This time round, A remains oblivious to this latest developments...

The story continues....

Reflections of a Gay Singaporean

Just because I am gay, does it mean:

- I am a lesser person/inferior to straights?

- I am not able to contribute as effectively or productively (as compared to straights) to my office, my company, my society, my country?

- I will affect my offices' image?

- I am a sex craze/ fiend who engages in wild sex wontonly without any morality?

- I am more likely to use my status to force people, especially younger ones to have sex with me?

- I am more likely to be a paedophile?

- I am a criminal (that I engage in unnatural sex as deemed illegal under the penal code)?

- I am a threat?I am certain I AM NOT.

But alas, it is the homophobia that I guess we are all facing and the system (and the people running the system) who chose to hide behind this thing called `conservative society' that has failed to integrate us as part of the society.

And many of the questions I have asked perhaps reflects the warped perception of what a gay man is to most straight man/ woman alike in Singapore.

Admittedly, there are a small small minority of us who fall within some of the questions/ categories that I have questioned above, but that certainly cannot be used to generalise all of us. It's so unfair. Then again, what's fair in life. If you are the majority, you define the rules. And if you are the minority you will always be subjected to such discriminations.

Guess I will have to accept it as a way of life. You call this a defeatist approach/ attitude? No, I call this a realistic one. We cannot force a revolution or a change in mind set overnight in our country, much less a country where the people running the system are elected by the very people whose conservative thinking are reinforced and protected by the people running the system, kinda a vicious cycle... never-ending.

All the more, we must try to integrate and in the process help the society evolve. I am sure things will evolve. Only that the pace of this evolution may not be on our side, if we are using our life/youth as a unit of measurement. I may, in the end, not enjoy the ultimate open Singapore where gays and straights can coexist side-by-side without any fear or discrimination during my youth (I chose to think I am still young, or at least young at heart)/ my lifetime, but I will be happy as long as I know the country is moving in the direction and that it will eventually accept gays (GLBTs for that matter). It does not matter if this were to happen in the next or next next generations, as long as we get there.

Some reflections.

Looking Good

Things seemed to be turning for the better. Mum's gone through her angioplasty. No vessel blockages. To be confirmed tomorrow with another scan and hopefully things turn out good.

Brother has kept away from the rest of the family and have in a way, also kept Dad under `house arrest'. Spot-checking on him to make sure he does not go out, that he does not visit my mum, that he does not visit my sisters, etc. On the other hand, this may not be a bad thing at all cos my dad is really old and it would be a terrible thing if anything were to happen to him when he is outside.

As for my him, things have been very tense. All becos I felt he has not really been fair to me viz a viz his bf. Been trying very hard not to sms or call him. This was made worst with IOC cos he has been assisting in the whole event and has been staying on site all these times when IOC is on. With IOC ending, he should be relatively freer. Today, he called me twice to comfort me and to assure me my mum will be fine. Very happy and very nice of him. Cerainly helped me a lot in my otherwise very stressful day, made worst by my missing him and yearning to hear his voice.

Met up wtih my first crush yesterday. Although we have been constantly in contact, this was the first time we really spent some time together having dinner chatting and catching up. Been 8 years and he finally understood what I went through during that period. He also finally admitted that he fell for me then but did not dare tell me nor was he certain if he should proceed further with me as he felt I was hiding something from him. Fact was that I was not sure how to behave as I had just came out then. To a certain extend, it seemed like a chance lost for both of us at that time due to a lack of communication and also due to my inability to come to terms with my own self. But well, all said and done, we are now very good friends and I am glad things turned out the way it did.

Work-wise, things are still in a limbo. My replacement will be in within the next 2 weeks and I am still uncertain of where I will be transferred to. The wait seemed to be forever and there seemed to be no clarity of things for me at this point in time. So, for now, aimless and have to just focus on my tasks at hand.

The coming few days will be interesting for I have made a deliberate effort to go dinner with my other friends. Felt I need to give myself a break from my partner and him and should catch up with my own life.

:)

Again

Despite the resolve to leave, he finally went back again... heart too soft. I am heartbroken.

Again.

Of Parasites and such...

Yes, youthfulness (there such a word? or should it be just `youth'? well, what the heck!) does turn me on, and young people do possess that certain attraction that makes me melt... but reflecting, I think it is more physical attraction and lust rather than love; perhaps also a manifestation of the insecurities of age catching up.

My experiences thus far tells me that falling in love (or rather, lust?) with someone a dozen years younger than you is not nec a good thing cos invariably, the relationship will tend to be imbalanced. It will be more like you being the older one, behaving like a father, and him, the younger one, taking you for granted - all the time.

And such a relationship does not allow you to grow like what a healthy relationship would. Rather, it'll be more of a parasitic one where one party will leech onto the other... Ultimately, you'll get disappointments after another and eventually, the relationship will just sap you of all your energy... and you'll be left totally exhausted, emotionally, psychologically, and perhaps even financially... move on man!

Planning Forward

On one hand, there are many suggestions of how we could spend the months ahead and tentative plans for these programmes, yet, at the back of my head, there is a very high degree of uncertainties. Of insecurities... are these for real?

The immediate few weeks already seemed so hazy and difficult for me... what more a couple of months down the line... uncertain of where I'd be transferred to now that I've been outed, uncertain of my the implications on my career future, fact that my mum will be going for her angioplasty next week, etc etc etc... kinda overwhelming, haiz...

Reflecting, my past couple of months had been rather crazy and stressful. Am just hoping for things to be smoother for me. But well, will just have to leave it to whatever comes my way... frankly, feeling kinda resigned now...

2nd Month

27 Apr to 27 Jun - 2 mths, seemed like 2 lifetimes.

Half day left - Reflections of a Fridae Perk member

Half day left and my Perks is up.

Looking at the 22000-plus hearts, I asked myself - what have I achieved over the last year when I joined Perks.... well for once, I can say - NOTHING... oh well, that is a little too critical... I joined Perks when I was overseas on a 6-month assignment. During that time in Florida, I was really out of touch with things back home - missed my friends in Singapore, missed the food, the people, the culture, etc

Decided to join Perks to widen the possibility of keeping in contact with things back home thru like-minded people, in an environment that is not so threatening, that is somewhat familiar to me (albeit a cyberspace one) and one that allows me to keep my anonymity.

Over time, I got to know more people, some pretty nice ones, some that I would call the touch-and-go ones (not literally considering I was in Florida). In time, I started to place my pix in my profile - something that I would come to regret later (that's another story) and at a certain period, a sort of addiction to want to send hearts, with the hope of getting more hearts and the thrill of counting the slowly increasing numbers and hitting and counting the heart received by the thousands. Anyway, as I went along, I came to see and feel my fella-Perk friends frustrations with Fridae - cannot put up this, cannot do that, etc and in time, one by one, my friends begin to end their memberships and not renew it. I had my fair share with Fridae in this regard.

Well, here I am, deciding to end my membership too. In part, due to the insistence of Fridae for me to put up my pics instead of a caricature or any other pics, and also in part, due to my office's views that I should minimise my presence in GLBT sites.

Whatever the case, I am ready to let go of my membership. Reflecting, no regrets, no heartaches, but just an interesting experience :)

Painless or Just Numb?

Am I really feeling ok now becos things are ok or it is becos I am so numbed to pain that any further pain does not hurt anymore?

This evening, I had the most interesting and enlightening conversation with some very close friends who chose to tell me the harshest truth and who tried to put things in perspective to me. Guess it's easier to see things from afar and when one can be very objective about relationship/ emotional issues. Always easier to ask for the mind to control the heart when one is not in the problem itself. But it is oh so difficult when you are the involved party.

Anyway, to these friends (you know who you are), I sincerely thank you and really appreciate the words you have put across to me so squarely. And hey, only the truest of friends will say such harsh truth. Hugs!

Continued Stress

One after another. Not surprised if things go further wrong. Just have to accept it and move on. Mum just moved in to join us following some family issues. Need to make adjustments so that her needs can be met.

Light Lighter Lightest

Find myself getting lighter by the day... over the span of the last 3-4 months, I have lost a total of 7 kg! That's more than 10% of my total weight! But what I find most disturbing is that my clothes are beginning to become so loose I may need to change my whole wardrobe! Not too sure if this is a healthy sign altho medically I am cleared of all sorts of problems...

A Story Unfolding Melodrama - HK-style

Characters

A the ambitious hardworker
B the neglected
C the friendly one
D the silent non expressive lover

A in relationship with B
A focused only on work
B feels neglected for longest time ever
B meets C, strong mutual attractions
C in relationship with D

D the silent type, non expressive
C altho also not expressive, is more expressive compared to D
C often sms D to say wish him well, etc
D chided C for it
C committed to D nonetheless

B meets C one day
Chance encounter ended with frequent dates
B confides in C his loneliness and his relationship with A
C listens, lend a shoulder to cry on

C hides D from B
B falls in love with C eventually
B and C struggles knowing their status
C struggles for he begins to like B

B eventually confess to A
A feels betrayed but continue not saying anything about it,
situation remains unclear,
continues to be nonchalant,
continue to focus on work

B continues going out with C
B eventually pieces what C said and found out about D
B devastated but as he really loves C
B gives C and D his blessings

Soon enough, C falls madly in love with B,
but internally hold back for he does not want to give B false hopes
C cannot let go of D
D totally not in picture but feels C's lack of attention at times
C admits to D the existence of B but with no details of the extent of his relations with B

D feels threatened and starts to be lovey dovey and begins to shower C with love
C is moved by D, totally,
but continues to holds on the B as he has also now fallen madly in love with B
C felt guilty hurting B

C faces internal struggle constantly
B hurt by C's avoidance
B constantly gets upset
C felt bad hurting B by holding himself back and causing B to be upset

B eventually breaks down emotionally
B's situation made worst by other stress
C nears emotional break down on learning of B's situation
B finally convince that he will be happy as long as C is

C eventually sorted himself out and continues seeing B
B makes promises to wait for C
A continues to be with B yet neglect B
B does not know how to manage A for he also loves A

C cannot promise B anything but agrees to give him chance when he falls out with D
C is also paranoid of D finding out

In the end, both B and C agree to be each others' `small one' and to take things as it comes

So, for now,

A continues to hold on to B
B continues to wait for C
B and C continues to see each other
C's preference is D
D feels blessed to be with C
A and D has no knowledge of the love and promises made between B and C and how they are both juggling their 4-way dynamics

Life goes on... real life melodrama

Stabilizing

Some form of normalcy is returning over the last couple of days. Life seemed to be stabilizing. Guess when you have hit the bottom, the only direction available is up.

Emotionally, things are also stabilizing somewhat and issues between me and them appears to be smoothening out slowly. New equilibrium being established over time. Well, it's gonna be a challenging time ahead but guess I'll have to manage.

Family life also seemed to be getting back to normal. Sister's cancer has been confirmed to be benign at this point in time, both parents recovering slowly from their sickness.

Workwise, after all the `hu-ha', many things are still not firmed up. My fate has not been decided. Decided not to pursue my higher degree and have dropped my scholarship. Now awaiting my boss' return from leave. But well, guess I am also getting use to the new `equilibrium' at work. On the brighter side, the recent spate of events allowed me to experience how my close friends, str8 and gays alike (including those close ones who had left my company and whom I finally came out to last week), banded together to give me their support.

To all of them, I am sincerely touched and am indebted by their selfless response to spend time with me and the efforts to call and speak to me. For without them, I'll probably not be here typing these words now.

life in turmoil

Realized that with all the dynamics currently going on in my life, I am afterall not so strong afterall, despite telling myself I need to pick myself up from all my work and personal issues. Been suffering from sleepless nights and whenever I dozed off, I'd dream of my dead relatives returning to look after me or my close family members dying. I also dreamt of my ex-boss lying in a coffin and telling me that his time is up and he is getting ready to go. I even dreamt of my good friend being butchered to death and woke up just before the assailant axe me. I am, in fact, quite afraid to fall asleep now. What does all these mean? Life can be so overwhelming when everything happens at the same time.

At work, I'd been called up and interrogated by my security department recently about my sexuality. And suddenly, a lot of things started to happen. for a start, my security clearance had been removed. My assistant chief of HR called me us and told he he will not judge my morality but I will have to accept that the organization will have to take necessary actions on me. For a start, my scholarship would be revoked. I am technically employed but not deployable. Things are really in a limbo. Been on leave for a week. How am I gonna face my colleagues and bosses once I get back to work. How? How?

And my personal life is also in a mess, neglected by my current partner and got to know someone new recently. Then I found out that he is attached and he could not commit. Yet, from what he tells me, I think that person treats him more like a friend than a partner. Find myself giving him my blessings and telling him that I will be happy as long as he is. I have been crying and slipping into bouts of depression.

Sighs... It is now 3am and I am still awake tossing and turning, thinking of him, thinking of what's gonna happen at work, thinking of family problems, etc. Sometimes, it feels so right to just end everything all at once.