my family today

today, my eldest niece celebrates her 21st birthday! gosh, it seemed not too long ago that i rushed to the medical center to welcome her into this world. and of cos, to welcome her as the first member of a new generation of the family. it was a significant milestone. and today, 21 years later, i celebrate her birthday quietly reflecting on where our family have come to.

my parent's generation is now in the stage of being extinguished. my generation is now in our 40s/50s and are mostly parents. the next generation is now in their late teens/ early twenties. naturally, i thought about the journey that my family had taken together through the last 21 years. all the joys, sorrows, happiness, sadness, etc. and i looked at the state of affairs that my family is now at. siblings not talking to one another due to different religious beliefs and religiosity, siblings drawn together due to past scars, siblings drawn together - yet not talking - only by the flimsy existence my mother, the closeness that i once felt towards my nieces that is now almost non-existent, and so on. lots of reflection. lots of thoughts. and i was also reminded of a chat that i had with my sis recently. we spoke about challenges of parenting and bringing up kids, especially teenage kids/ young adult kids. we shared about how our parents brought us up and our tensions as young teenagers/ young adults. she shared with me some of her experiences and tensions in raising her kids who are also teenagers/ young adults now. you know, all the tensions, teenage angst, rebellious nature kids, la la la... and i shared with her my perspectives - both from that of a parent, of the child as well as that of an individual. i shared the following:

as parents, we tend to continuously treat our kids as kids...

• we want to impose onto our kids our views for we believe that what we say is the whole truth and the law.

• we often talk down and not talk to our kids.

• in our attempt to impart what we know and nurture our kids, we at times sound condescending and fail to recognise that our kids are already grown ups, well, or at least, want to be recognised that they are grown ups. we need to respect them as individuals too.

and as growing children, especially teenage kids/ young adults,

• we tend to see thing from our own self-centric perspectives.

• we often rebel for the sake of being rebellious. we tend to have this mentality that our parents are constantly out to screw up our lives.

• we are often in too great a rush to want to be treated as adults. yet through the whole process, we do not fully understand what being adults mean.

• we tend to take things for granted.

• we often behave in the most childish manner and yet at the same time, expect to be treated like adults.

• and worst still, we sometimes compare our parents unfairly with our peers' parents. regretfully, we fail to recognise that our parents are learning to be parents themselves. and when they are also learning, how can they be perfect?

as individuals, regardless of whether we are a parent or a kid,

• we need to learn to be more patient.

• we need to learn to communicate, we need to listen, we need to pay attention to what is being said, we need to clarify assumptions and not accept what is being said.

• we need to respect one another. and we need to earn it, we cannot assume that it can be demanded.

• we need to recognise that every individuals need their own spaces to grow, to reflect, to explore and so on.

these thoughts flashed by today. and it also reminded me of the many reflections i did previously. reflections that allowed me to make sense of why my parents brought me and my siblings up they way they did. are we a perfect family now? no, we are not. in fact, we are far from it. the inter-sibling rivalry and tensions etc is a direct result of the way we were brought up and it could have been prevented by my parents. "if only they could treat us all fairly" i used to think. but i now understand. my reflections allowed me to let go of my misgivings about my parents, particularly my dad. my parents themselves were not perfect. they in turn, were products of their own parents. they too were learning to be parents. but what was important was that they have brought us up in a manner that they thought would be best for us. and despite all the hardship and us giving them all our nonsense (especially during our teenage/ young adult years), they persevered and gave their best. as adults now, my siblings and i have the choice to decide how we want to go forward in our family relations. as far as my parents are concerned, they have done their part. they gave birth to us, they gave us a good education, and they inculcated in us a good set of values. we are now parents ourselves. it is time for them to rest. my dad is gone. there's only my mum now. the least we could now do now is to take good care of her as a way to repay her during her twilight years.

heh heh... lots of disorganised rantings. started with my niece and ended with my mum... ha... well, happy 21st birthday my dear niece.