feeling a little emo and blah now. i guess it is becos i feel kinda overwhelmed when i think back and look ahead at the same time. anyway, i think i'll sleep early tonight!
Sunday, 31 October 2010
halloween
i see more and more people celebrating halloween in singapore in recent years. and it seemed rather weird from several perspectives...
firstly, people celebrating it did not seem to know what it is about, the history behind it etc. instead, everyone seemed to take it like a big scale fancy dress festival. and people are simply having fun (and i thought that was good).
secondly, it seemed like a lot (if not most) of people celebrating it are christains. and i thought it was ironic cos from what i know, the christain communities here have always tried to dissociate themselves from anything deemed superstitious or related to ghosts, witchcrafts, etc. well, then again, i do not know if there is any official stand about it and i just might just be wrong. and if so, i stand corrected.
thirdly, it is another case of an imported practise that is so so unrelated to any of the racial or religious communities locally (expats don't count considering the low numbers of ang mos here). and it reeks so so much of commercialisation where things happen because there is a huge commercial potential behind it, heck care the lack of heritage, identity, roots or whatever...
hmmm... and looking at the many pictures in facebooks and the many advertisments about halloween parties, i started to wonder if we are really so superficial (or rather, the younger generation - i feel so old saying this!)?
and no, for the record, i do not have anything against halloween. when i lived in the states in 2004, i could see how it was celebrated as part of the community's culture. and together with thanksgiving, christmas etc, the whole mood was so strong. i can't find an adjective to describe it other than - it was so so so "ang mo". such a stark contrast to what i feel and experience here.
firstly, people celebrating it did not seem to know what it is about, the history behind it etc. instead, everyone seemed to take it like a big scale fancy dress festival. and people are simply having fun (and i thought that was good).
secondly, it seemed like a lot (if not most) of people celebrating it are christains. and i thought it was ironic cos from what i know, the christain communities here have always tried to dissociate themselves from anything deemed superstitious or related to ghosts, witchcrafts, etc. well, then again, i do not know if there is any official stand about it and i just might just be wrong. and if so, i stand corrected.
thirdly, it is another case of an imported practise that is so so unrelated to any of the racial or religious communities locally (expats don't count considering the low numbers of ang mos here). and it reeks so so much of commercialisation where things happen because there is a huge commercial potential behind it, heck care the lack of heritage, identity, roots or whatever...
hmmm... and looking at the many pictures in facebooks and the many advertisments about halloween parties, i started to wonder if we are really so superficial (or rather, the younger generation - i feel so old saying this!)?
and no, for the record, i do not have anything against halloween. when i lived in the states in 2004, i could see how it was celebrated as part of the community's culture. and together with thanksgiving, christmas etc, the whole mood was so strong. i can't find an adjective to describe it other than - it was so so so "ang mo". such a stark contrast to what i feel and experience here.
dreading work
i so dread going back to work tomorrow.
i have never had such feelings before until recently. i supposed i felt rather overwhelmed by all the amount of shit i have to clear and the amount of work waiting for me. i currently feel so unmotivated despite the fact that i will be given responsibilities.
if this were to continue, i think i will go bonkers!
or maybe i am just very tired? and made worst by the fact that i am feeling exhausted now...
maybe. maybe. maybe...
ps: and i have not even ironed my clothes! damned!
i have never had such feelings before until recently. i supposed i felt rather overwhelmed by all the amount of shit i have to clear and the amount of work waiting for me. i currently feel so unmotivated despite the fact that i will be given responsibilities.
if this were to continue, i think i will go bonkers!
or maybe i am just very tired? and made worst by the fact that i am feeling exhausted now...
maybe. maybe. maybe...
ps: and i have not even ironed my clothes! damned!
exhausted
i felt so exhausted today. perhaps it was the aftermath of the bbq. or perhaps it was due to the fact that i did not sleep well last night. i could hardly keep my eyes open whole day long. was very sleepy when i was at my mum's place. went to the pool and fell asleep for about 10min until the rain came. then went for a show and slept half the show. came home and collapsed on the bed. went for dinner and my eyes stinked. and i am now writing my blog while my head was half dead...
zzzz...
zzzz...
my blood
hv not seen my own blood for quite a while... until last evening when i dropped the flour container as i was trying to keep it and ended up getting a cut on my finger. my first feeling was a sharp pain and next thing i knew, bright red blood gushed out and dripped onto the table top. managed to clean it quickly and arrest the flow using paper napkins before anyone came to the kitchen. i pressed onto the wounds for quite sometime until the bleeding stopped. or so i thought.
the wound got red today. and it was painful. and through the whole of the day, the bleeding continued. on and off. rather irritated by the pain and the little mess actually. and everytime it occurred, i had to press onto the wound. the last time the wound bled was about 8plus. hopefully, it does not bleed tonight. i certainly don't want to wake up to a bloodied bed.
the wound got red today. and it was painful. and through the whole of the day, the bleeding continued. on and off. rather irritated by the pain and the little mess actually. and everytime it occurred, i had to press onto the wound. the last time the wound bled was about 8plus. hopefully, it does not bleed tonight. i certainly don't want to wake up to a bloodied bed.
bbq-ed
the bbq came and went. lots of work. lots of anxiety. lots of food. lots of people and lots of catching up. i supposed everyone had their fair share of fun. then again, the bbq did not materialize per se.
you see, bee went down earlier to set the fire while schneider and i stayed upstairs to prepare the bbq food. i had just finished skewering the chicken that schneider prepared when it started pouring. it was a very heavy downpour. and so i decided to adopt the wet weather plan. i contacted all to come up to my place instead. and i decided to cook the food. after cooking a dish, the rain stopped - as suddenly as it started. but i decided not to back track and to go on doing it indoor. after all, i rationalized, the bbq area and the surrounding floor would still be wet and the whole place would be messy. i knew schneider was disappointed. but i thought since we have decided to adopt the wet weather plan, we might as well carry it through. i felt a little bad to disappoint him considering he had put in so much effort in the food preparation. we ended up cooking all the food he prepared except the chicken wings (which he took home in the end). as for the food i bought, i ended up giving most of them to my sis, uncooked. as for the bee hoon, i decided to throw them away.
i supposed to all who came, they were not aware of how anxious i was given all these last minute change of plans. and this was made worst by the fact that i had stopped cooking for the last year or so. as such, i do not have the necessary condiments, chopped garlic, sauce, oil, etc. the evening wore on. all the anxiety was made worst by the fact that i was also worried if people felt at home. for once, ed and st was amongst strangers, sam was new to everyone and was with my friends, lp's children was afraid of sapphie when they last visited... all these came together and i was rather anxious about how they would all fit in together.
so, the rain and the decision to do it indoor in addition to all these worries took a drastic toll on me. i did not want to change my mind about anything. never mind the fact that my house smell of oil, never mind that the place got messy, never mind that my stove was messed up big time with all the cooking (i have never cooked like that since i installed it some months back), and never mind the fact that i always find it very difficult to entertain people and have always avoided doing it. but well, i think things turned out well. as for me, with crowds in my house, i ended up as usual at a corner of the house or in the kitchen doing things by myself instead of mingling. not a sociable person and prefer to be alone amongst crowds. by the end of the evening, i was frankly very exhausted, both mentally and physically.
anyway, i am glad the whole event went off smoothly.
it was a terribly exhausting weekend.
you see, bee went down earlier to set the fire while schneider and i stayed upstairs to prepare the bbq food. i had just finished skewering the chicken that schneider prepared when it started pouring. it was a very heavy downpour. and so i decided to adopt the wet weather plan. i contacted all to come up to my place instead. and i decided to cook the food. after cooking a dish, the rain stopped - as suddenly as it started. but i decided not to back track and to go on doing it indoor. after all, i rationalized, the bbq area and the surrounding floor would still be wet and the whole place would be messy. i knew schneider was disappointed. but i thought since we have decided to adopt the wet weather plan, we might as well carry it through. i felt a little bad to disappoint him considering he had put in so much effort in the food preparation. we ended up cooking all the food he prepared except the chicken wings (which he took home in the end). as for the food i bought, i ended up giving most of them to my sis, uncooked. as for the bee hoon, i decided to throw them away.
i supposed to all who came, they were not aware of how anxious i was given all these last minute change of plans. and this was made worst by the fact that i had stopped cooking for the last year or so. as such, i do not have the necessary condiments, chopped garlic, sauce, oil, etc. the evening wore on. all the anxiety was made worst by the fact that i was also worried if people felt at home. for once, ed and st was amongst strangers, sam was new to everyone and was with my friends, lp's children was afraid of sapphie when they last visited... all these came together and i was rather anxious about how they would all fit in together.
so, the rain and the decision to do it indoor in addition to all these worries took a drastic toll on me. i did not want to change my mind about anything. never mind the fact that my house smell of oil, never mind that the place got messy, never mind that my stove was messed up big time with all the cooking (i have never cooked like that since i installed it some months back), and never mind the fact that i always find it very difficult to entertain people and have always avoided doing it. but well, i think things turned out well. as for me, with crowds in my house, i ended up as usual at a corner of the house or in the kitchen doing things by myself instead of mingling. not a sociable person and prefer to be alone amongst crowds. by the end of the evening, i was frankly very exhausted, both mentally and physically.
anyway, i am glad the whole event went off smoothly.
it was a terribly exhausting weekend.
Friday, 29 October 2010
bbq
gonna have a bbq tomorrow to celebrate bee's birthday. will involve some of my closer friends from uni, as well as my sis and her children. total of about 12-14pax. looking forward to it although i know it's gonna be a very tiring process.
but well, it's the weekend!
:-)
but well, it's the weekend!
:-)
exhausting weeks
these 2 weeks had been most exhausting. had a major event last week. completed. and this week, there was another major event. also, completed. but for both events, there are still loose ends. need to catch up in the next couple of weeks to do proper closure, aar, data analysis, etc... gonna be tiring looking ahead.
nonetheless, i am glad they are over.
nonetheless, i am glad they are over.
Wednesday, 27 October 2010
it's been announced
finally, my big boss made the announcement that i will take over my boss in dec at a meeting today. well, not surprising to most as i have already spoken to them. but i still foresee the need to manage the 2 most senior chaps. they are after all my seniors and are a lot more experience than me. and it is important that i can get them to work with me as a team.
wish me luck.
wish me luck.
Monday, 25 October 2010
upkeeping morale
am trying very hard to upkeep my morale. it's so difficult when you have someone who keeps playing the wet blanket role and enjoys putting people down in order to look good. and to make things worst, is now selfish and wants to take away good staff... sighs. shall (try) not to be affected.
push on. push on.
push on. push on.
Sunday, 24 October 2010
extended family gathering
it is so nice to be able to get together once a while. when my dad was alive, i would invite all his siblings (my aunts and uncles) and their families to my house during the second day of the chinese new year. those gatherings have since stopped since my dad passed away two years ago.
today, my aunt organised a little dinner for all at a coffee shop and i was invited. there were almost 20 of us. and it was such a happy occasion. and i found out that my extended family has had 2 new additions to the family. my nephew has a daughter now. and that means my aunt is now a great grandmother! my cousin is now a grandmother, and yes, all of us in my generation have been elevated to the "grand-" generation! and of course, my title is now 表舅公. hmmm, sounds damned bloody old to me! also, i found out that another of my cousin (the one who got married last year) is now a proud father of a baby boy. that means we now have 2 boys to carry on my surname! it also means i am now officially a 堂伯. heh heh... it's so nice to meet up once a while!
today, my aunt organised a little dinner for all at a coffee shop and i was invited. there were almost 20 of us. and it was such a happy occasion. and i found out that my extended family has had 2 new additions to the family. my nephew has a daughter now. and that means my aunt is now a great grandmother! my cousin is now a grandmother, and yes, all of us in my generation have been elevated to the "grand-" generation! and of course, my title is now 表舅公. hmmm, sounds damned bloody old to me! also, i found out that another of my cousin (the one who got married last year) is now a proud father of a baby boy. that means we now have 2 boys to carry on my surname! it also means i am now officially a 堂伯. heh heh... it's so nice to meet up once a while!
sapphie in the room
after having sapphie around for 10 years (she turns 10 on nov third... or was it second?...). anyway, having had her all these while, i have never allowed her into the corridor (that leads to the rooms). and this had become "law" for her. if she were to take as many as one single step into the corridor, she would be sternly reprimanded. and she feared that. so she would automatically stay outside in the living room and not step onto the corridor. it was a no-go area for her. of late, due to the heat, the stuffiness and the haze, coupled with her incessant itch all over her body, i relaxed this ruling. or perhaps, it was just me softening my heart after so many years. so for the initial couple of nights last month, i allowed her to sleep on the floor mat outside my room. she would sleep there such that she could see me through the night. over time, she got used to it. and then i allowed her to sleep in the room on the room rug. she also got used to it eventually. and i thought it is good cos she can now enjoy the air con on nights when it gets too warm (i only sleep with the air con on on very warm nights, otherwise, it would be fans only). and i am sure the air con would help alleviate her itch.
then again, it needs some getting used to to have her in her room sleeping with us. for a start, we would hear her scratch her often throughout the night. and at times when she would inadvertently kick the bed frame too. secondly, she is a noisy sleeper and she dreams a lot. we would hear her breath heavily, grunt, make all sort of weird noises and at times let out a soft sleepy bark. i could only conclude she was having her doggie dreams (or perhaps nightmares). also, a dog's sleep pattern is different from that of humans. instead of the human 4-hour sleep cycle, their sleep pattern consists of a series of naps. thus, in between naps, sapphie would roam around the room. and it was during these walkarounds that rather interesting things happen. for example, at times when i sleep on my side, one of my hand would extend out of my bed. seeing my hand in such a position, she would come to me and place her head below my palm and lightly pushed her head against it. such a manja dog right?! well, naturally i would wake up, give her a little pat and ask her to get some sleep. bee had his fair share of surprises too. early this morning, he was awakened by sapphie's doggie smell (which can be rather strong at times). when he opened his eyes, sapphie's head was resting on the bed beside his and was looking into his eyes. in response, he patted her head and asked her to get some sleep...
heh heh... interesting experiences right?
:-)
then again, it needs some getting used to to have her in her room sleeping with us. for a start, we would hear her scratch her often throughout the night. and at times when she would inadvertently kick the bed frame too. secondly, she is a noisy sleeper and she dreams a lot. we would hear her breath heavily, grunt, make all sort of weird noises and at times let out a soft sleepy bark. i could only conclude she was having her doggie dreams (or perhaps nightmares). also, a dog's sleep pattern is different from that of humans. instead of the human 4-hour sleep cycle, their sleep pattern consists of a series of naps. thus, in between naps, sapphie would roam around the room. and it was during these walkarounds that rather interesting things happen. for example, at times when i sleep on my side, one of my hand would extend out of my bed. seeing my hand in such a position, she would come to me and place her head below my palm and lightly pushed her head against it. such a manja dog right?! well, naturally i would wake up, give her a little pat and ask her to get some sleep. bee had his fair share of surprises too. early this morning, he was awakened by sapphie's doggie smell (which can be rather strong at times). when he opened his eyes, sapphie's head was resting on the bed beside his and was looking into his eyes. in response, he patted her head and asked her to get some sleep...
heh heh... interesting experiences right?
:-)
Saturday, 23 October 2010
do not take it!
i have observed a pattern in my mum's sickness. she has been going in and out of the hospital almost every 2 weeks. and i asked myself why. piecing all the symptoms together, i concluded it was due to morphine (i will refer to it as painkiller "m") intake. you see, she often get admitted due to water in her lungs, or constipation, or high level of toxins in her blood (as a result of prolonged constipation), etc. but when she was in the hospital, she would be perfectly fine. no pain in her knees, no issues with her health, no problems with her voice, etc but once she comes home, everything will go haywire again. and the only difference between the hospital and the home was her medication - she was given painkiller "m" at home. i came to this conclusion because when she was admitted for constipation a couple of weeks back, i learned from the doctor that taking painkiller "m" could result in constipation in many patients. hmmm... well, of course this couldn't really explain my mum's breathlessness, the water in her lungs, pneumonia and other complications related to breathing of late. nonetheless, i was very certain it had to do with painkiller "m".
to me, it was very clear there was a negative reinforcing loop happening - and it all started with her knees. and it went this way - when she complained her knees hurt, she would be given painkiller "m", then she would got drowsy, (and at times, hallucination and confused), and she would also suffer constipation, and when that happened, her blood gets poisoned. as a result, she got weak, she couldn't walk or exercise, her knees would then weaken further, with a further weaken knees, it would hurt when she tried to walk, and then my brother would feed her with more painkiller "m"... and the loop goes. to worsen the situation, i noted a couple of other negative reinforcing loops - eg, when she gets hallucination, my brother would sent her to imh, she would be given more medication, then she would get drowsy, and weaker, and she couldn't exercise, and her knees weakened further, and then it aggravated the pain, and she would be given more painkiller "m"... and one more - under the drowsy state, she would often behave in a confused manner, she lost her ability to recognise people, she couldn't sleep at night, she would then be drowsy in the daytime, and she would sleep more, when this happened, she would be too weak to exercise, and her knees weaken further, and the pain would worsen, and then she would be given more painkiller "m". and the loops continued.
no win. totally no way to get out of the loop. my only conclusion was that my brother should stop giving her painkiller "m" altogether and start to tackle the core issue - to make her knees stronger and to make her exercise. but he refused citing her painful knees and that he felt bad seeing her suffer. also, he insisted that the pain management doctor had asked to administer painkiller "m" whenever she feels pain. and so, he kept giving her painkiller "m". the dosage given was up to 15mls a day.
2 days ago, mum went into a state of high confusion again. she couldn't really talk, her voice was hoarse. she was terribly weak and her knees hurt so badly she couldn't stand up. yet, she insisted on heading to the polyclinic as she insisted her toes and soles hurt badly. in fact, she made so much noise until the domestic help as well as my sister-in-law couldn't manage her. they ended up calling my brother non-stop at his office. he was totally flustered and asked me to talk to her. i called her every half hour, spoke with her and tried to calm her down.
yesterday, my brother brought her to her specialist. and when told of all the symptoms, the specialist's conclusion was - it was due to painkiller "m" and that we should stop administering it altogether. and he added a new input that cleared all my questions regarding my mum's breathlessness. he said that for some people, taking painkiller "m" would result in formation of thick phlegm and that might lead to breathing difficulties. suddenly all pieces fitted together. mum's complain of phlegm, breathlessness, etc was due to painkiller "m" too! and this breathlessness added to all the loops i mentioned above. the lower oxygen intake due to the presence of thicken phlegm has resulted in increased sensitivity and a decrease in pain threshold (ironically), it also made mum weaker as her body system literally started to shut down as they were all starved of oxygen... this led to her totally weakened. and when all these happened, her knees could no longer support her and she simple collapse. and the doctor's advise was to stop administering the painkiller "m" immediately. he added that the focus should be to strengthen the knees by exercising it rather than trying to stop the pain. also, he cautioned the administering of such high amount of painkiller "m" becos a person's threshold to painkiller "m" will increase and that over time, the body will need a very high amount of painkiller "m" to manage the pain. he also commented that painkiller "m" is usually used for terminally ill patients and for healthy people, it should only be used as a last resort. and even then, the dosage should be kept as low as possible, say about 2.5 to no more than 5mls a day.
sighs. after the doctor's explanation, my brother finally accepted the fact that his insistent on giving painkiller "m" had been misguided all along (despite the fact that it was suggested by another doctor). i am just glad this issue is clarified. moving ahead, i hope mum will understand that she could get out of the cycle of hospitalisation only if she placed efforts on exercising her legs, even if it means she has to endure the pain a little bit more. the way out of suffering is not easy and one has to suffer in order get out of the cycle. the path out of this cycle of hospitalisation is through proper exercise and no trying short cuts of taking painkiller "m". and of cos i am reminded of the cycle of samsara, the four noble truth, and the noble eigthfold path. also, one needs to adopt the have right action can only happen if there is right views and understanding.
to me, it was very clear there was a negative reinforcing loop happening - and it all started with her knees. and it went this way - when she complained her knees hurt, she would be given painkiller "m", then she would got drowsy, (and at times, hallucination and confused), and she would also suffer constipation, and when that happened, her blood gets poisoned. as a result, she got weak, she couldn't walk or exercise, her knees would then weaken further, with a further weaken knees, it would hurt when she tried to walk, and then my brother would feed her with more painkiller "m"... and the loop goes. to worsen the situation, i noted a couple of other negative reinforcing loops - eg, when she gets hallucination, my brother would sent her to imh, she would be given more medication, then she would get drowsy, and weaker, and she couldn't exercise, and her knees weakened further, and then it aggravated the pain, and she would be given more painkiller "m"... and one more - under the drowsy state, she would often behave in a confused manner, she lost her ability to recognise people, she couldn't sleep at night, she would then be drowsy in the daytime, and she would sleep more, when this happened, she would be too weak to exercise, and her knees weaken further, and the pain would worsen, and then she would be given more painkiller "m". and the loops continued.
no win. totally no way to get out of the loop. my only conclusion was that my brother should stop giving her painkiller "m" altogether and start to tackle the core issue - to make her knees stronger and to make her exercise. but he refused citing her painful knees and that he felt bad seeing her suffer. also, he insisted that the pain management doctor had asked to administer painkiller "m" whenever she feels pain. and so, he kept giving her painkiller "m". the dosage given was up to 15mls a day.
2 days ago, mum went into a state of high confusion again. she couldn't really talk, her voice was hoarse. she was terribly weak and her knees hurt so badly she couldn't stand up. yet, she insisted on heading to the polyclinic as she insisted her toes and soles hurt badly. in fact, she made so much noise until the domestic help as well as my sister-in-law couldn't manage her. they ended up calling my brother non-stop at his office. he was totally flustered and asked me to talk to her. i called her every half hour, spoke with her and tried to calm her down.
yesterday, my brother brought her to her specialist. and when told of all the symptoms, the specialist's conclusion was - it was due to painkiller "m" and that we should stop administering it altogether. and he added a new input that cleared all my questions regarding my mum's breathlessness. he said that for some people, taking painkiller "m" would result in formation of thick phlegm and that might lead to breathing difficulties. suddenly all pieces fitted together. mum's complain of phlegm, breathlessness, etc was due to painkiller "m" too! and this breathlessness added to all the loops i mentioned above. the lower oxygen intake due to the presence of thicken phlegm has resulted in increased sensitivity and a decrease in pain threshold (ironically), it also made mum weaker as her body system literally started to shut down as they were all starved of oxygen... this led to her totally weakened. and when all these happened, her knees could no longer support her and she simple collapse. and the doctor's advise was to stop administering the painkiller "m" immediately. he added that the focus should be to strengthen the knees by exercising it rather than trying to stop the pain. also, he cautioned the administering of such high amount of painkiller "m" becos a person's threshold to painkiller "m" will increase and that over time, the body will need a very high amount of painkiller "m" to manage the pain. he also commented that painkiller "m" is usually used for terminally ill patients and for healthy people, it should only be used as a last resort. and even then, the dosage should be kept as low as possible, say about 2.5 to no more than 5mls a day.
sighs. after the doctor's explanation, my brother finally accepted the fact that his insistent on giving painkiller "m" had been misguided all along (despite the fact that it was suggested by another doctor). i am just glad this issue is clarified. moving ahead, i hope mum will understand that she could get out of the cycle of hospitalisation only if she placed efforts on exercising her legs, even if it means she has to endure the pain a little bit more. the way out of suffering is not easy and one has to suffer in order get out of the cycle. the path out of this cycle of hospitalisation is through proper exercise and no trying short cuts of taking painkiller "m". and of cos i am reminded of the cycle of samsara, the four noble truth, and the noble eigthfold path. also, one needs to adopt the have right action can only happen if there is right views and understanding.
Friday, 22 October 2010
seeing what you wanted to see
two days ago, i updated my facebook status as follows: "visually, i am reminded of the days when i was in china during winter and when there was a blanket of fog. so pretty :-)" and it was truly that i thought it looked pretty. and i had that feel when i was driving and had my aircon blasting. so, the haze added to the mood and ... anyway, soon enough, a friend commented that fog and haze are different. and another quickly added that this one has a "burnt smell"... and so on and so forth.
hmmm... i think they had really missed out my first and most important word - "visually". and reading their comments, it reminded me of how they had seen what they wanted to see and felt what they wanted to feel. perhaps it is a case of us being conditioned over time. if it is haze, it can only be hot, smelly, filthy, and unhealthy. there is nothing possibly good about it. and in believing this, it is easy to miss out the word "visually", simply becos the brain had decided (or learned) not to register it despite reading it. come to think of it, it can be rather scary. and along the same lines, it is no different from stereotyping - if you are of a particular race, you must be ____ (fill in the blanks), if you are gay, you must be promiscuous, la la la... you get the drift.
in this very simple experience, i was reminded of some very fundamental buddhist teachings. i was reminded of how we should know and just know. and i repeat, know and just know. accept the situation. embrace the present, accept the difficulties and just move on. no need to complain. no need to react. much less, no need to over-react. you cannot wish things away just because you complain about them. and of cos, it would do us a lot of good to see things from a slightly different perspective if it allows us to adapt better to our current surroundings. and rather than bitch about it and wallow in the negatives, why not accept it, and if possible, see the silver lining out of the situation and move on. right? and oh, for the record - no, i don't like the haze. my asthma can get worked up if it were to carry on like this for a few more days. and when that happens, it can be very uncomfortable. but well, instead of complaining, i supposed i would just keep myself indoors and enjoy the indoor environment. right?
:-)
hmmm... i think they had really missed out my first and most important word - "visually". and reading their comments, it reminded me of how they had seen what they wanted to see and felt what they wanted to feel. perhaps it is a case of us being conditioned over time. if it is haze, it can only be hot, smelly, filthy, and unhealthy. there is nothing possibly good about it. and in believing this, it is easy to miss out the word "visually", simply becos the brain had decided (or learned) not to register it despite reading it. come to think of it, it can be rather scary. and along the same lines, it is no different from stereotyping - if you are of a particular race, you must be ____ (fill in the blanks), if you are gay, you must be promiscuous, la la la... you get the drift.
in this very simple experience, i was reminded of some very fundamental buddhist teachings. i was reminded of how we should know and just know. and i repeat, know and just know. accept the situation. embrace the present, accept the difficulties and just move on. no need to complain. no need to react. much less, no need to over-react. you cannot wish things away just because you complain about them. and of cos, it would do us a lot of good to see things from a slightly different perspective if it allows us to adapt better to our current surroundings. and rather than bitch about it and wallow in the negatives, why not accept it, and if possible, see the silver lining out of the situation and move on. right? and oh, for the record - no, i don't like the haze. my asthma can get worked up if it were to carry on like this for a few more days. and when that happens, it can be very uncomfortable. but well, instead of complaining, i supposed i would just keep myself indoors and enjoy the indoor environment. right?
:-)
Wednesday, 20 October 2010
confirmed & more
today, i got a nice surprise. or rather, 2 nice surprises.
i got my letter of confirmation from my big boss - 2 months ahead of the "normal" probationary period. and on top of that, he told me that the date for my elevation to a higher appointment has also been firmed. can't wait for the day to come, considering how my current boss (whom i’ll be taking over) is creating a lot of unnecessary tensions amongst the people in the team and spreading a lot of rumours. sad. really sad, considering how he kept saying he had put in so much effort to built it up. so, in the few weeks before he leaves, it seemed like he wants to destroy it! in the last few weeks, i totally lost my respects for him. then again, i just tell myself not to be involved in the rumour-mongering, just do my best and try as far as i can to help him before he moves on.
:-)
i got my letter of confirmation from my big boss - 2 months ahead of the "normal" probationary period. and on top of that, he told me that the date for my elevation to a higher appointment has also been firmed. can't wait for the day to come, considering how my current boss (whom i’ll be taking over) is creating a lot of unnecessary tensions amongst the people in the team and spreading a lot of rumours. sad. really sad, considering how he kept saying he had put in so much effort to built it up. so, in the few weeks before he leaves, it seemed like he wants to destroy it! in the last few weeks, i totally lost my respects for him. then again, i just tell myself not to be involved in the rumour-mongering, just do my best and try as far as i can to help him before he moves on.
:-)
Saturday, 16 October 2010
fair or not fair?
of late, i have seen quite a few articles in yahoo news as well as mainstream media asking if this or that is fair. and today, there was a letter in the forum asking if this and that is unfair... halo! get a life! let's face it! nothing in life is fair. you can either bitch and complain about it or simply just move on! and for the media people out there, let's be more professional and write something more credible!
really tiring and such a waste of energy to see such kiasuism!
really tiring and such a waste of energy to see such kiasuism!
macdonalds
a couple of months ago, i posted something about bad journalism. and i was directly referring to yahoo's fit-to-post articles. yup, i know, it is such an such ironic name! anyway, i hardly read their articles these days. and today, i get them writing about how a macdonalds burger looked the same after 6months. why was there no mould? why did it look the same? etc and to a certain extent i thought i felt like the article was trying to hint at the use of preservatives. "macdonald's use so much preservatives, the food stayed fresh after 6-months. would you really want to eat such things?" - this line screamed in my head. well, no, the article did not said it. i just felt it did. it was irresponsible reporting. no research. no mention of what kind of environment the burger was left under. whether there was ventilation, whether it was controlled temperature etc. so, to a person who has some exposure to scientific research, the article carried totally no credibility. it was obvious they were trying to make news out of no news.
yup, i know there are big no-nos against fast foods and there are many people out there who do not advocate eating fast foods. i came back to the article again later in the day and by then, there was a lot of comments. and i was right, there were people who chided the baseless article. i thought about it again, if a burger stays mouldless after 6months, wouldn't it in fact be a good thing? doesn't this mean that macdonalds had in fact observe such strict food hygiene standards that there was not a single fungal spore on their burgers? and looking at it from this perspective, i could only congratulate macdonalds!
:-)
yup, i know there are big no-nos against fast foods and there are many people out there who do not advocate eating fast foods. i came back to the article again later in the day and by then, there was a lot of comments. and i was right, there were people who chided the baseless article. i thought about it again, if a burger stays mouldless after 6months, wouldn't it in fact be a good thing? doesn't this mean that macdonalds had in fact observe such strict food hygiene standards that there was not a single fungal spore on their burgers? and looking at it from this perspective, i could only congratulate macdonalds!
:-)
my uni breaks
as i said, i was a regular on course in uni from 1987 - 91. my contract was such that i had to return to service during my holidays. and so, every year, i would don my uniform when my peers were out having fun. in a way, i enjoyed heading back to camp during my holidays. after all, it was back to a familiar culture although the surroundings were a little different.
you see, i was an infantry officer who was earmarked for an intelligence reservist appointment until i signed on. so, when i became a regular, the army wanted to convert me to another arm. during my first year holiday, i was sent to jurong camp 2. home of the combat engineers. it was a short 2plus months and i was attached to the commander's wing where they trained cbt engineer ncos and officer cadets. specifically, i was attached to the nco wing. during that period, i literally went through the cbt engr nco course. and i even went through the summary exercise with them (and the cadet wing) overseas. on one hand, it was an eye opener to see how they lay minefields, how the specialize in explosives, how they built bridges, etc, but on the other hand, i also got to see the ugly side of the people. by the time i ended my attachment, i wrote in to the authority asking not to be converted.
for my second year, if i recalled correctly, i was sent to an infantry battalion. i became the project officer and undertook tasks to formalize their logistics sops for stand-by. it was a rather boring attachment i must say. and then i was attached to the cbt intelligence department. there was an impending exercise and i was tasked to assist in the planning of the intelligence ops. it was interesting cos for the first time, i got to see how planning at a high level was done.
in my final year holiday period, i was attached to the intelligence school. again, there was an impending major exercise overseas and i was tasked to assist in the planning and flight administration of the troops involved. there was a total of about 4 officers (all on uni breaks) placed under the charge of the tco. indirectly we also reported to the chief instructor (ci). the ci was a rather bastard guy who somehow didn't like officers on holidays. to him, we were always the chao keng (skive) type and at every opportunity, he would find fault with us. i felt really lousy for despite all the hardwork, i would somehow get dragged in and get scolded for something he assumed we did wrong. my patience wore off totally when one day, he fell us in, marched us to his office and gave us a good scolding becos the tco couldn't find us when he asked for us. he naturally assumed we were playing punk and were skiving. at that time, it was about a week before the flight departure and there was a lot of pre-flight admin to be done. and incidentally, i had also been told by nus that i had been confirmed for the honours year and that i should head back to nus immediately to start my project work. so, after the scolding, i decided to get back at the ci. i decided not to tell him about my impending disruption and i purposely left the pre-flight admin undone. 2 days before the departure, i gave him my letter and left. yup, i was really mean. erm... yup, i was immature and irresponsible. but well, that was my way of getting back at someone who didn't give a damn to my existence.
:-)
you see, i was an infantry officer who was earmarked for an intelligence reservist appointment until i signed on. so, when i became a regular, the army wanted to convert me to another arm. during my first year holiday, i was sent to jurong camp 2. home of the combat engineers. it was a short 2plus months and i was attached to the commander's wing where they trained cbt engineer ncos and officer cadets. specifically, i was attached to the nco wing. during that period, i literally went through the cbt engr nco course. and i even went through the summary exercise with them (and the cadet wing) overseas. on one hand, it was an eye opener to see how they lay minefields, how the specialize in explosives, how they built bridges, etc, but on the other hand, i also got to see the ugly side of the people. by the time i ended my attachment, i wrote in to the authority asking not to be converted.
for my second year, if i recalled correctly, i was sent to an infantry battalion. i became the project officer and undertook tasks to formalize their logistics sops for stand-by. it was a rather boring attachment i must say. and then i was attached to the cbt intelligence department. there was an impending exercise and i was tasked to assist in the planning of the intelligence ops. it was interesting cos for the first time, i got to see how planning at a high level was done.
in my final year holiday period, i was attached to the intelligence school. again, there was an impending major exercise overseas and i was tasked to assist in the planning and flight administration of the troops involved. there was a total of about 4 officers (all on uni breaks) placed under the charge of the tco. indirectly we also reported to the chief instructor (ci). the ci was a rather bastard guy who somehow didn't like officers on holidays. to him, we were always the chao keng (skive) type and at every opportunity, he would find fault with us. i felt really lousy for despite all the hardwork, i would somehow get dragged in and get scolded for something he assumed we did wrong. my patience wore off totally when one day, he fell us in, marched us to his office and gave us a good scolding becos the tco couldn't find us when he asked for us. he naturally assumed we were playing punk and were skiving. at that time, it was about a week before the flight departure and there was a lot of pre-flight admin to be done. and incidentally, i had also been told by nus that i had been confirmed for the honours year and that i should head back to nus immediately to start my project work. so, after the scolding, i decided to get back at the ci. i decided not to tell him about my impending disruption and i purposely left the pre-flight admin undone. 2 days before the departure, i gave him my letter and left. yup, i was really mean. erm... yup, i was immature and irresponsible. but well, that was my way of getting back at someone who didn't give a damn to my existence.
:-)
Friday, 15 October 2010
rebirth
rebirth / reincarnation is a concept that can also refer to the transformation of one's thoughts such that through a process, one emerged with a totally new understanding and perspective of things and choose to live his/ her life differently.
agree?
agree?
buah long long
today, i was talking to one of my old staff and he was showing me some of the fruits he had planted over the years at our workplace garden. and we spoke about buah long long. and next thing i knew, he showed me the plant. and it had bore quite a lot of fruits. he harvested them and gave them to me. heh heh... at home, i pickled them in syrup and passed some to my sis. she had not tasted it since kampong days too. and when she bit into it, i could see her being momentarily transported back in time!
ha ha... such are the effects of senses on us. it reminds us of things that we can relate too...
:-)
Wednesday, 13 October 2010
my tertiary education
i enrolled myself in science faculty of the national university of singapore (nus) in jul 1987.
for my first year, i signed up for 2 of my favourite subjects – biology (comprising biology 'a' and biology 'b') and chemistry. little did i know that what i signed up for was known as the killer combination cos all 3 subjects had laboratory hours. it was interesting for me cos for the first time in my life, i actually experienced a 6-hour laboratory session. anyway, all in all, on a heavy week (during weeks where i had a 2-hr evening compulsory module on intro to computer [ic101] on monday evenings), i had a 41-hour week and on a light week, 39 hours. my friends in other faculties, particularly those in arts, could never imagine how a person could possibly survive such a punishing schedule. to them anything close to a 2-digit hour would be considered heavy for that week. heh heh... but because i enjoyed these subjects, i actually found myself looking forward to lessons.
frankly, after 2-plus years in ns, i found the beginning a little difficult for me. i had forgotten quite a bit of my studies. and so, you could imagine that "oh-this-term-is-so-familiar" feeling kept coming to me as i attended my classes - mitochondria, ribosomes, cytoplasm, la la la... but well, i caught up within a month or two and after that, it was rather easy going. and soon enough, i found myself immersed in the nus lifestyle. here're some of the snapshots of my nus life:
- in my first year, i stayed in sheares hall. i had heard so much about the hall ragging that when i signed up, i gave them all sorts of cock and bull stories (i think i told them i need to look after my sickly grandmother - which for the record, had died a dozen years earlier). but well, i got myself excused alright. my not attending the hostel orientation camp resulted in many of the seniors not knowing me and soon enough, many started to ostracize me. frankly, i didn't bother. i had my own clique of friends in the hostel in the end. the "kuai kuai" nerdy group... :-P
- i lived in block "c". and that was known as the "creative block". apparently many creative people lived in the block and they include people who are rather high profile today - you will probably know them as so-and-so who are the creative director of some recent international event staged in singapore, so-and-so who was known to enjoy performing in drag (nonya kebaya somemore!), so-and-so who choreographed so-and-so national events, etc. and boy, creative block with creative people can be very creatively scandalous too! there are always sightings of so-and-so coming out of so-and-so room in the middle of the night, with ruffled hair, sleeping over with so-and-so la la la... and becos everyone was so creative, everyone was also very open about it. so... haiz. and of cos, for me, i had my fair share of scandals too. read on.
- i got myself really involved with another person in block a. it started off as a nice group chatting session in his room on a saturday afternoon before we locals go home. and soon enough, everyone left except 2 of us. and we continued chatting. and we yak and yak and yak and soon enough we started talking about sex. and gradually, we began to tease each other about being aroused and soon enough, things got physical. in the end, we couldn't get enough of each other and before we knew it, we were so addicted to each other. it was a really really really really intense and sexual relationship - much as we constantly denied our sexuality. thinking back, it was really very weird cos two were actually leading an exclusively gay lifestyle although he was bisexual. he would read his love letters to me and even had me around when he wrote his love letters to his then girlfriend (now his wife). it went on for many months until i finally decided to call it quits cos i was not able to accept the whole relationship. i was convinced i was straight and that it was just something i could simply switch off when i felt like it. i broke his heart badly. we went on the different faculties after our first year and did not talk to each other after that.
- there were some interesting things i experienced when i first joined nus. for a start, i thought the girls in my year (who were 2 years younger) were really childish. they behaved like spoilt kids! it was so clear during the science fac orientation camp. but well, in the end, i realized i felt this way because of my ns. ns did really turned many of us into men. yup, men. no longer boys. and i did admit, much as i tried, i was at times conscious of my "officer" status in my ns. but it certainly did not stop me from interacting and mingling with my peers who were non-officers. but i realized that my ocs training and subsequent exposure to leadership positions made me a lot more mature than many of my contemporaries.
- i had the habit of studying through the nights before my exams. and he (i did not ever considered him to be my "boyfriend") would do the same. we would study in the science fac canteen and usually there would be the same group of people there. and there was this very interesting character. she was from bizad. we called her "amy". amy would usually study at the hon sui sen library and she would come over to study at the science fac canteen after the library closed at 10pm. we would all cower in fear when we heard her the high heels sounds approach us. you see, she had this weird habit of wearing red dresses, super high heels, and white gloves (yes, white gloves!). and she would study until just before 12am, then approach any of the guys in the canteen and asked them to walk her to the bus stop where she would catch the last bus to clementi interchange. and as the guy walked with her, she would tell the guy things like - oh, last night, i saw a guy in the toilet playing with himself... and when i saw, i very scared... or, tomorrow can i study with you?... or, will you be here over the weekend (or chinese new year)... she never failed to freak us all out! thank goodness i was never asked cos i would be sitting with him and we would both look down or pretend to be engrossed in some deep discussions when she walked towards our direction.
- i started learning how to ride the motorbike when i was in nus first year. i did it secretly. my parents wouldn't have permitted me to do so if they had known for my dad had a scooter and he knew the dangers associated with bike-riding. by the time i was in second year, i had purchased a secondhand bike from a fellow-itd platoon commander. i rode the bike home. there was nothing my parents could do. my mum could only ask me to ride with care. on the seventh day of my bike purchase, i was turning in from marine parade road to marine terrace when my bike hit the kerb. i was thrown off my bike and the bike crashed. my brother witnessed it from my flat. my mum freaked out. but there was nothing they could do. that was my first bike accident. i had many more bike accidents after that - including quite a few along the ecp (that was when the fort road flyover was not even constructed) and once i walked into the lecture with my jeans totally torn and my thighs still raw with blood and my good friend had to half support me to his hostel room to apply the qing chao you onto my wounds!
- the standard annual routine for me during my years in nus was that i didn't get to celebrate chinese new year. i am not sure if it was good or bad, but it certainly weened me off the excitement of the occasion. so, during chinese new years, i would either be studying at the science fac canteen or locked up in my room at home.
- as i said, i was a regular on course in nus. i had no financial worries. and i had lots of time to focus on my studies and to make friends. by the time i was in second year, many of my peers started talking about their future and as i reflected, i started to regret signing on. there were so many things ahead of me that i could have done or could pursue. and i realized i couldn't do it becos i had to fulfil my obligations to my contract. i regretted and for a short period, comtemplated breaking my contract. it so happened that one of my ocs platoon mate (who had also signed on and was in the same science fac as me) also studied in the science library. and we would chat frequently outside the science library. once, i shared with him how i felt. and he shared the same thoughts. we talked it through and he convinced me when he rationalized that the reasons why oour minds could think of such things was becos we were not preoccupied by other things like financial concerns, job prospects, etc. and so, rather than regret, we should instead feel blessed to be "looked after" well by the armed forces. and for that, we should do our best, complete our studies and pay back to the organisation. and that was exactly what we did.
- for my first year results, i did very well and obtained an "a" for my chemistry and 2 "b"'s for my bio. i dropped my chemistry after some deep consideration. i love bio too much. i continued with my bio 'a', bio 'b' combination in my second year (another crazy chap some would say) and this time round, decided to drop a major to a minor. i chose general maths (or 'g' maths). second year came and went, and again i did very well and obtained an "a" for my maths and 2 "b"'s for my bio. once again, i love bio too much to drop it. and in my final year, i took both bio 'a' and bio 'b'. once again, i got 2 "b"'s for them. i was offered both zoology and botany honours. in the end i went on to do my honours in botany and graduated with a 2 upper honours in botany in jul 91.
for my first year, i signed up for 2 of my favourite subjects – biology (comprising biology 'a' and biology 'b') and chemistry. little did i know that what i signed up for was known as the killer combination cos all 3 subjects had laboratory hours. it was interesting for me cos for the first time in my life, i actually experienced a 6-hour laboratory session. anyway, all in all, on a heavy week (during weeks where i had a 2-hr evening compulsory module on intro to computer [ic101] on monday evenings), i had a 41-hour week and on a light week, 39 hours. my friends in other faculties, particularly those in arts, could never imagine how a person could possibly survive such a punishing schedule. to them anything close to a 2-digit hour would be considered heavy for that week. heh heh... but because i enjoyed these subjects, i actually found myself looking forward to lessons.
frankly, after 2-plus years in ns, i found the beginning a little difficult for me. i had forgotten quite a bit of my studies. and so, you could imagine that "oh-this-term-is-so-familiar" feeling kept coming to me as i attended my classes - mitochondria, ribosomes, cytoplasm, la la la... but well, i caught up within a month or two and after that, it was rather easy going. and soon enough, i found myself immersed in the nus lifestyle. here're some of the snapshots of my nus life:
- in my first year, i stayed in sheares hall. i had heard so much about the hall ragging that when i signed up, i gave them all sorts of cock and bull stories (i think i told them i need to look after my sickly grandmother - which for the record, had died a dozen years earlier). but well, i got myself excused alright. my not attending the hostel orientation camp resulted in many of the seniors not knowing me and soon enough, many started to ostracize me. frankly, i didn't bother. i had my own clique of friends in the hostel in the end. the "kuai kuai" nerdy group... :-P
- i lived in block "c". and that was known as the "creative block". apparently many creative people lived in the block and they include people who are rather high profile today - you will probably know them as so-and-so who are the creative director of some recent international event staged in singapore, so-and-so who was known to enjoy performing in drag (nonya kebaya somemore!), so-and-so who choreographed so-and-so national events, etc. and boy, creative block with creative people can be very creatively scandalous too! there are always sightings of so-and-so coming out of so-and-so room in the middle of the night, with ruffled hair, sleeping over with so-and-so la la la... and becos everyone was so creative, everyone was also very open about it. so... haiz. and of cos, for me, i had my fair share of scandals too. read on.
- i got myself really involved with another person in block a. it started off as a nice group chatting session in his room on a saturday afternoon before we locals go home. and soon enough, everyone left except 2 of us. and we continued chatting. and we yak and yak and yak and soon enough we started talking about sex. and gradually, we began to tease each other about being aroused and soon enough, things got physical. in the end, we couldn't get enough of each other and before we knew it, we were so addicted to each other. it was a really really really really intense and sexual relationship - much as we constantly denied our sexuality. thinking back, it was really very weird cos two were actually leading an exclusively gay lifestyle although he was bisexual. he would read his love letters to me and even had me around when he wrote his love letters to his then girlfriend (now his wife). it went on for many months until i finally decided to call it quits cos i was not able to accept the whole relationship. i was convinced i was straight and that it was just something i could simply switch off when i felt like it. i broke his heart badly. we went on the different faculties after our first year and did not talk to each other after that.
- there were some interesting things i experienced when i first joined nus. for a start, i thought the girls in my year (who were 2 years younger) were really childish. they behaved like spoilt kids! it was so clear during the science fac orientation camp. but well, in the end, i realized i felt this way because of my ns. ns did really turned many of us into men. yup, men. no longer boys. and i did admit, much as i tried, i was at times conscious of my "officer" status in my ns. but it certainly did not stop me from interacting and mingling with my peers who were non-officers. but i realized that my ocs training and subsequent exposure to leadership positions made me a lot more mature than many of my contemporaries.
- i had the habit of studying through the nights before my exams. and he (i did not ever considered him to be my "boyfriend") would do the same. we would study in the science fac canteen and usually there would be the same group of people there. and there was this very interesting character. she was from bizad. we called her "amy". amy would usually study at the hon sui sen library and she would come over to study at the science fac canteen after the library closed at 10pm. we would all cower in fear when we heard her the high heels sounds approach us. you see, she had this weird habit of wearing red dresses, super high heels, and white gloves (yes, white gloves!). and she would study until just before 12am, then approach any of the guys in the canteen and asked them to walk her to the bus stop where she would catch the last bus to clementi interchange. and as the guy walked with her, she would tell the guy things like - oh, last night, i saw a guy in the toilet playing with himself... and when i saw, i very scared... or, tomorrow can i study with you?... or, will you be here over the weekend (or chinese new year)... she never failed to freak us all out! thank goodness i was never asked cos i would be sitting with him and we would both look down or pretend to be engrossed in some deep discussions when she walked towards our direction.
- i started learning how to ride the motorbike when i was in nus first year. i did it secretly. my parents wouldn't have permitted me to do so if they had known for my dad had a scooter and he knew the dangers associated with bike-riding. by the time i was in second year, i had purchased a secondhand bike from a fellow-itd platoon commander. i rode the bike home. there was nothing my parents could do. my mum could only ask me to ride with care. on the seventh day of my bike purchase, i was turning in from marine parade road to marine terrace when my bike hit the kerb. i was thrown off my bike and the bike crashed. my brother witnessed it from my flat. my mum freaked out. but there was nothing they could do. that was my first bike accident. i had many more bike accidents after that - including quite a few along the ecp (that was when the fort road flyover was not even constructed) and once i walked into the lecture with my jeans totally torn and my thighs still raw with blood and my good friend had to half support me to his hostel room to apply the qing chao you onto my wounds!
- the standard annual routine for me during my years in nus was that i didn't get to celebrate chinese new year. i am not sure if it was good or bad, but it certainly weened me off the excitement of the occasion. so, during chinese new years, i would either be studying at the science fac canteen or locked up in my room at home.
- as i said, i was a regular on course in nus. i had no financial worries. and i had lots of time to focus on my studies and to make friends. by the time i was in second year, many of my peers started talking about their future and as i reflected, i started to regret signing on. there were so many things ahead of me that i could have done or could pursue. and i realized i couldn't do it becos i had to fulfil my obligations to my contract. i regretted and for a short period, comtemplated breaking my contract. it so happened that one of my ocs platoon mate (who had also signed on and was in the same science fac as me) also studied in the science library. and we would chat frequently outside the science library. once, i shared with him how i felt. and he shared the same thoughts. we talked it through and he convinced me when he rationalized that the reasons why oour minds could think of such things was becos we were not preoccupied by other things like financial concerns, job prospects, etc. and so, rather than regret, we should instead feel blessed to be "looked after" well by the armed forces. and for that, we should do our best, complete our studies and pay back to the organisation. and that was exactly what we did.
- for my first year results, i did very well and obtained an "a" for my chemistry and 2 "b"'s for my bio. i dropped my chemistry after some deep consideration. i love bio too much. i continued with my bio 'a', bio 'b' combination in my second year (another crazy chap some would say) and this time round, decided to drop a major to a minor. i chose general maths (or 'g' maths). second year came and went, and again i did very well and obtained an "a" for my maths and 2 "b"'s for my bio. once again, i love bio too much to drop it. and in my final year, i took both bio 'a' and bio 'b'. once again, i got 2 "b"'s for them. i was offered both zoology and botany honours. in the end i went on to do my honours in botany and graduated with a 2 upper honours in botany in jul 91.
home again
mum has been discharged.
over the last 2 days, i couldn't help but suspected that her dementia had taken a turn for the worst. her behaviour seemed very weird. for example, she would refuse to eat the hospital food and say it tasted horrible. and she would gobble up the loaf of bread that my sis bought for her. and according to my domestic help, she said mum would take 2 pieces of the raisin bread and stuff all of it into her mouth. that was similar to my own observation when i visited her last evening with 2 pieces of agar agar. i handed it to her and next thing i knew, she was literally stuffing her mouth with it. it didn't seemed right. and mum would also point to the auntie opposite her and made comments about the auntie. these are things that she would usually not do. and my own conclusion was that it was due to her dementia.
and it seemed like her behaviour took a turn for the worst when she got upset. for example, she was looking forward to being discharge yesterday. but in the morning, the nurse did a check and found her to be unfit for discharge. so, the doctor spoke to my brother that she would remain for more observation which we agreed. in the afternoon, my sis spoke to the doctor and for some unknown reasons (which i believe was due to my sis's insistence on getting her to be discharged), the doctor agreed. this made my brother very angry. he spoke with the doctor again and in the end, the discharge order was cancelled. i visited mum in the evening and when i saw her behaviour, my first thoughts were that the morning's event had caused her mental states to swing and could have been to stressful for her.
i am glad she finally got discharged today. sometimes, i am rather disappointed how, despite of good intentions, my siblings are totally not sensitive about my mum's mental states. then again, i cannot fault them. sighs...
over the last 2 days, i couldn't help but suspected that her dementia had taken a turn for the worst. her behaviour seemed very weird. for example, she would refuse to eat the hospital food and say it tasted horrible. and she would gobble up the loaf of bread that my sis bought for her. and according to my domestic help, she said mum would take 2 pieces of the raisin bread and stuff all of it into her mouth. that was similar to my own observation when i visited her last evening with 2 pieces of agar agar. i handed it to her and next thing i knew, she was literally stuffing her mouth with it. it didn't seemed right. and mum would also point to the auntie opposite her and made comments about the auntie. these are things that she would usually not do. and my own conclusion was that it was due to her dementia.
and it seemed like her behaviour took a turn for the worst when she got upset. for example, she was looking forward to being discharge yesterday. but in the morning, the nurse did a check and found her to be unfit for discharge. so, the doctor spoke to my brother that she would remain for more observation which we agreed. in the afternoon, my sis spoke to the doctor and for some unknown reasons (which i believe was due to my sis's insistence on getting her to be discharged), the doctor agreed. this made my brother very angry. he spoke with the doctor again and in the end, the discharge order was cancelled. i visited mum in the evening and when i saw her behaviour, my first thoughts were that the morning's event had caused her mental states to swing and could have been to stressful for her.
i am glad she finally got discharged today. sometimes, i am rather disappointed how, despite of good intentions, my siblings are totally not sensitive about my mum's mental states. then again, i cannot fault them. sighs...
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
annoying people
i always find suspicious people very annoying - and i mean people who constantly suspects others are out to sabotage them. it is very difficult to work with these people. this thing went through my mind today during a meeting "i may be nice all the time, but don't take it as a sign of weakness and don't take advantage of me. i can be just as bitchy! and when i bite, i bite hard. and i won't release!"
Monday, 11 October 2010
1987 - a new phase
it would not be complete for me to just leave my last post on "completing my ns" without mentioning how it ended. you see, i was a march intake batch. this meant that by the time i enter uni for my tertiery education, i would have only served two years and three months - three months short of the usual two and a half years. so, for a "normal" conscript, he would have to disrupt his military service and serve the remaining three months during his annual academic break. anyway all these did not matter to me.
i signed on (i became a contract military officer).
you see, ever since i was a young boy, i was a fiercely independent person. my mum had brought me up that way. i did not want to be financially dependent on my parents and by the time i was in junior college, i gave tuition to fund my own studies. and given my personal dislike towards my dad's tendency to openly show off things (money, achievements, etc), i learned to keep such information away from him.
towards the last half year of my stay in itd (infantry training deport - the name of the military basic military school back then), i was sent for my company tactics course (ctc) and then basic intelligence officer's course (bioc). i understood at that time that these courses were meant to prepare me for an intelligence position during my reservist. so i went for the courses. in ctc, i had the opportunity to interact with many regulars and combat units. it was interesting and i enjoyed the camaraderie with the men. it was such a contrast to my itd tour where i was an instructor and where recruits held me up in the highest esteem. also, my buddy was a regular singh and i had the opportunity to speak to him and asked him about how it felt to be a regular. he spoke a lot of about the financial independence and that attracted me a lot. to me, apart from my love for the field and the combat stuff, i could also enjoy financial independence from my dad. hmmm... good.
however, by the time i finished my ctc, apart from a low grading (as all nsfs did), i got disillusioned by how some of the regulars behaved. they had huge attitude problems i thought. and that was it. i went back to itd for a month plus before going for my bioc. i did well in bioc. despite the presence of many regulars, i excelled. i was eventually awarded the best trainee for my course. if anything, bioc turned me around. my winning of best trainee told me that regardless of service status, nsfs could also emerged top as long as he did well. that made me think very hard about signing on, which eventually i did. i went for the interview and was asked if i would consider taking up maths or military studies or history. i replied no, i'd rather do biology. and i spoke of how passion would drive me further in my pursue for knowledge. i was also asked if i would consider an overseas scholarship instead of a local award. i replied no too. i did not want anyone to know i had signed on, especially my dad.
i signed on the dotted line not long after i graduated from my bioc. as i said, i was an independent person. i signed on without even consulting my parents. i only told my mum about it the night before i went to sign my contract. i remembered her saying it is ok as long as i am ok with it. that was it. i signed the contract. it was on april fools day (actually thinking back, perhaps i was foolish! ha!). and i made my mum promised not to tell my dad about it. i did not want him to start telling people that i have signed on. i was sure he would go around saying i earn xxx amount of dollars and that i was a rich person.
i was a regular officer on course when the nus academic term started in jul 1987.
i signed on (i became a contract military officer).
you see, ever since i was a young boy, i was a fiercely independent person. my mum had brought me up that way. i did not want to be financially dependent on my parents and by the time i was in junior college, i gave tuition to fund my own studies. and given my personal dislike towards my dad's tendency to openly show off things (money, achievements, etc), i learned to keep such information away from him.
towards the last half year of my stay in itd (infantry training deport - the name of the military basic military school back then), i was sent for my company tactics course (ctc) and then basic intelligence officer's course (bioc). i understood at that time that these courses were meant to prepare me for an intelligence position during my reservist. so i went for the courses. in ctc, i had the opportunity to interact with many regulars and combat units. it was interesting and i enjoyed the camaraderie with the men. it was such a contrast to my itd tour where i was an instructor and where recruits held me up in the highest esteem. also, my buddy was a regular singh and i had the opportunity to speak to him and asked him about how it felt to be a regular. he spoke a lot of about the financial independence and that attracted me a lot. to me, apart from my love for the field and the combat stuff, i could also enjoy financial independence from my dad. hmmm... good.
however, by the time i finished my ctc, apart from a low grading (as all nsfs did), i got disillusioned by how some of the regulars behaved. they had huge attitude problems i thought. and that was it. i went back to itd for a month plus before going for my bioc. i did well in bioc. despite the presence of many regulars, i excelled. i was eventually awarded the best trainee for my course. if anything, bioc turned me around. my winning of best trainee told me that regardless of service status, nsfs could also emerged top as long as he did well. that made me think very hard about signing on, which eventually i did. i went for the interview and was asked if i would consider taking up maths or military studies or history. i replied no, i'd rather do biology. and i spoke of how passion would drive me further in my pursue for knowledge. i was also asked if i would consider an overseas scholarship instead of a local award. i replied no too. i did not want anyone to know i had signed on, especially my dad.
i signed on the dotted line not long after i graduated from my bioc. as i said, i was an independent person. i signed on without even consulting my parents. i only told my mum about it the night before i went to sign my contract. i remembered her saying it is ok as long as i am ok with it. that was it. i signed the contract. it was on april fools day (actually thinking back, perhaps i was foolish! ha!). and i made my mum promised not to tell my dad about it. i did not want him to start telling people that i have signed on. i was sure he would go around saying i earn xxx amount of dollars and that i was a rich person.
i was a regular officer on course when the nus academic term started in jul 1987.
Sunday, 10 October 2010
where am i heading?
frankly, sometimes, i do ask myself if i am in the right place and doing the right job... then again, i guessed i was just tired. all the people issues are draining me big time. anyway, let's give myself a year or two or maybe three, before i decide if i should move on. for now, let's embrace my impending promotion and see where it takes me.
hmmm...
wish me luck.
hmmm...
wish me luck.
tiring
felt very exhausted by this evening. the twice a day visit to the hospital took its toll on me and i literally collapse onto my sofa this afternoon. felt so drained by the time i drove to visit mum this evening. at the hospital, the nurse told me that mum would likely be discharged tomorrow. it will have to depend on the results of the checks and tests tomorrow morning.
:-)
:-)
i love you phillip morris
watched the show yesterday with bee and schneider. thought it was a good show. enjoyed it. surprisingly, there seemed to be more straight couples in the theatre than gay people. but well, i did not feel as awkward as compared to sometime back when they screened beefcake. that show was almost a gay soft-porn. anyway, about the show, i thought ewan mcgregor and jim carrey pulled off the 2 characters pretty well, especially ewan mcgregor. he brought out the vulnerability so well. so natural. almost want to protect him! totally loved his performance!
:-)
ps: and oh, there was a line in the show that sounded exactly like what i wrote sometime back... that the gay lifestyle is an expensive one! lol!
where is god?
ever noticed how most people look towards the sky (upwards) when they pray? is god up there? or is there just space up there? or should people look into their heart instead? one wise line i heard in a recent retreat is that when we look for god outside ourselves, we tend to end up in conflicts. instead, when we look inwards, we can then begin the process of achieving lasting peace.
concept of "i"
i was in a email correspondence with a friend on the whole idea of "i" and decided to do a google on it. found this link on concept of "i". it reminded me so much of the zen master's talk recently. thought i'd post it here to share.
:-)
:-)
1010101010
it's weird when i got a sms from my sis exclaiming that wow! tomorrow will be 10.10am, 10 sec of 10.10.10... but i was thinking "so what? if we want to, every day, every minute, every second can be as special too right?" anyway, tomorrow is not really 10:10:10 10.10.10, instead, it is 10:10:10 10.10.2010... ha!
but well, let's not be so serious and just join in the fun and enjoy it, after all, every day, every minute, every second is special right?
:-)
but well, let's not be so serious and just join in the fun and enjoy it, after all, every day, every minute, every second is special right?
:-)
recovering
visited mum today and she seemed to have recovered pretty fast. she's very lively today. such a contrast from yesterday where she could hardly recognise me. happy.
:-)
:-)
bb
well, i got my bb at last. trying to get use to it. so far so good. and last evening, i thought about it. having my boss to get his secretary to assign me a bb can be interpreted as him wanting to do work all the time or it can also mean he thinks i deserve a free phone line and a free phone. if it is the second reason, then i think i should thank him.
heh heh... whichever reason it is, i guess no one knows except my boss. and as for me, i chose to think it is the second reason. and for that i am thankful.
:-)
heh heh... whichever reason it is, i guess no one knows except my boss. and as for me, i chose to think it is the second reason. and for that i am thankful.
:-)
Friday, 8 October 2010
pneumonia again
just came back from hospital. mum has been hospitalized for pneumonia again. initially thought it was stroke. but thankfully, after all the tests, realized it was pneumonia and not stroke.
Wednesday, 6 October 2010
inculcating right values
my sister called me up this morning when i was in the midst of a discussion overseas. she was perturbed by the fact that a man had demanded from my niece s$500 for reversing her car into his scooter. my sis felt he was trying to rip my niece off and wanted to ask if that amount demanded was reasonable. apparently, what happened was that my niece had left a note apologizing for knocking the scooter down. and despite seeing that it had not suffer any major damage, my niece had also left a note with her contact details. so, the man called up and asked for compensation.
i told my sis to talk to the workshop and asked for a breakdown of the cost and hung up.
when i returned home in the evening, i called my sis and asked her if she had managed to check. she replied she did and managed to reduce the amount to s$400. when i spoke to her, she sounded rather crossed. i asked why and she said she was angry with my niece for leaving a note. she said my niece was young and naive and that she should have simply stood up the scooter and drive off. she said if my niece had done that, she would not have had to spend s$400...
for a while, i kept quiet. then i commented on her reaction. i told her that she has had her focus placed on the wrong areas! the key thing in this incident was not about the money. it was about the value system. and if you asked me, i thought the money spent was certainly well worth it! cos for the s$400, my niece now knows she needs to be careful when reversing her car and that she also now knows how to check if people are lying. these are life's lessons that can never be taught in school. more importantly, the incident showed that my niece had shown great courage in acknowledging her mistake and strong values in having the integrity to want to compensate for the damage. also, that for that amount, my sis now has the clearest indication that her way of bringing up her daughters is a correct one. these are all priceless! thus, my sis should instead feel happy and proud. happy for that fact that she had been able to inculcate in her daughter a good value system. and proud of her daughter as she had displayed excellent values. she should have praised her daughter rather that chided her. in chiding her over the money, she had sent out the signal that values can be tweet to suit your own whimps and fancies and for selfish reasons. and in doing so, would it not be akin to telling them that it is ok to kill someone over some money if the money belongs to you? as parents, it is important to not only inculcate right values, it is also (if not, even more) important to reinforce these lessons consistently. or else, we might end up confusing our kids!
no?
i told my sis to talk to the workshop and asked for a breakdown of the cost and hung up.
when i returned home in the evening, i called my sis and asked her if she had managed to check. she replied she did and managed to reduce the amount to s$400. when i spoke to her, she sounded rather crossed. i asked why and she said she was angry with my niece for leaving a note. she said my niece was young and naive and that she should have simply stood up the scooter and drive off. she said if my niece had done that, she would not have had to spend s$400...
for a while, i kept quiet. then i commented on her reaction. i told her that she has had her focus placed on the wrong areas! the key thing in this incident was not about the money. it was about the value system. and if you asked me, i thought the money spent was certainly well worth it! cos for the s$400, my niece now knows she needs to be careful when reversing her car and that she also now knows how to check if people are lying. these are life's lessons that can never be taught in school. more importantly, the incident showed that my niece had shown great courage in acknowledging her mistake and strong values in having the integrity to want to compensate for the damage. also, that for that amount, my sis now has the clearest indication that her way of bringing up her daughters is a correct one. these are all priceless! thus, my sis should instead feel happy and proud. happy for that fact that she had been able to inculcate in her daughter a good value system. and proud of her daughter as she had displayed excellent values. she should have praised her daughter rather that chided her. in chiding her over the money, she had sent out the signal that values can be tweet to suit your own whimps and fancies and for selfish reasons. and in doing so, would it not be akin to telling them that it is ok to kill someone over some money if the money belongs to you? as parents, it is important to not only inculcate right values, it is also (if not, even more) important to reinforce these lessons consistently. or else, we might end up confusing our kids!
no?
human beings
today, i saw a family of human beings grieving over the passing of their mother. not politicans. the concept of status has no meaning during that moments of their grief. we come with nothing, we go with nothing. so, while we are around, let us make the best of our time and make ourselves useful and relevant to our fellow journeymen.
Monday, 4 October 2010
mm lee & madam kwa
he was in hospital when she slipped away at home 2 days ago. so quietly she lied there awaiting his visit. and this evening, when i saw him walked in finally, i felt his pain. my heart ached badly. inside, i whispered silently - she has led a full life. and she is at peace now. for that, let's celebrate her life. but involuntarily, my eyes welled with tears.
rest in peace, madam.
rest in peace, madam.
Sunday, 3 October 2010
weakening mum
ever see a litted candlelight dancing when the candle is about to end? with each second, you can see the light softening. and often, you see it flickers when there is a small air turbulence around it. and once a while, you get a little anxious when a rush of air blows pass for, at that very moment, it felt as though the light would be extinguished once and for all.
well, that is exactly how i feel currently with regards my mum's health. for her age, she could be considered to be relatively healthy. but in recent days, her health has been failing. she was admitted into the hospital twice recently. and everytime after she returned from hospital, she seemed slightly weaker than before the hospital stay, despite having been told she had recovered. and it was not just the mobility issues, but also her increasing inability deliver a sentence clearly and properly, and her increasing inability to fulfill normal life functions. slowly but surely, her voice has gotten coarser. also, the frequency of her peeing in her sarong had also increased. once a while, when she was too weak to walk to the toilet in time, she would even shit in her sarong. not too sure how she did it, but she had managed to keep her face straight whenever it happened and just accept that it happened. and the domestic help would just go about cleaning her up without a fuss.
to some, seeing his parent getting into such a state can be quite distressing. but to me, i guessed i have come to terms with it. apart from having seen and managed my dad in his final years, i am also able to better accept this as a part of a person's aging journey. it is a journey that all of us have to go through. for now, i only have one thing in my mind. and that is, i would really like my mum to be happy and not worry about anything and for her to walk this final phase of her journey well.
well, that is exactly how i feel currently with regards my mum's health. for her age, she could be considered to be relatively healthy. but in recent days, her health has been failing. she was admitted into the hospital twice recently. and everytime after she returned from hospital, she seemed slightly weaker than before the hospital stay, despite having been told she had recovered. and it was not just the mobility issues, but also her increasing inability deliver a sentence clearly and properly, and her increasing inability to fulfill normal life functions. slowly but surely, her voice has gotten coarser. also, the frequency of her peeing in her sarong had also increased. once a while, when she was too weak to walk to the toilet in time, she would even shit in her sarong. not too sure how she did it, but she had managed to keep her face straight whenever it happened and just accept that it happened. and the domestic help would just go about cleaning her up without a fuss.
to some, seeing his parent getting into such a state can be quite distressing. but to me, i guessed i have come to terms with it. apart from having seen and managed my dad in his final years, i am also able to better accept this as a part of a person's aging journey. it is a journey that all of us have to go through. for now, i only have one thing in my mind. and that is, i would really like my mum to be happy and not worry about anything and for her to walk this final phase of her journey well.
Saturday, 2 October 2010
young officer
after passing out as an officer, i was offered the opportunity to be a section mentor. but i declined. i declined becos i did not want to go through and subject my section through all those stuff i went through. well, on hindsight, i guessed i was naive. i had thought that those stuff i went through were part and parcel of a cadet's life and if i were to become a mentor, i would have to do the same... anyway, i rejected the offer to stay on as a mentor. and so that was how i got eventually posted to infantry training depot (itd) as a platoon commander. in those days, i always heard that itd officers were very switched off (meaning - easy life). but eventually, i realized it wasn't after all. i got posted to itd, gryphon company - the one that had the reputation of being the most "siao on" company in camp 3. anyway, the first few days of passing out, i felt terribly weird to be wearing a black bar on my shoulders. it felt super heavy. i felt a sense of heavy responsibility. and i took a while to get use to people addressing me as sir. the feeling of a sense of pride made me (and many of my fellow new officers) continue to starch and iron our uniforms, blacken our boots till it shine - although it was not a requirement.
the entry into itd as an officer was not an easy one. we had to first go through a two-week induction program. at the end of the program, we were made to go through an initiation ceremony at the officer's mess. we had heard so much about the ceremony. and we heard that the one in itd was one of the most siong (difficult) one in the whole army. we were given a "warm welcome" at the start of the whole intiation where we were fed with very spicy food. then, we were made to do a stand-by bed where our seniors would come in and humiliate us, ransack our cupboards, treat us worst than cadets, then do a change parade, following which we were made to change into our sbo and undergo the standard obstacle course (soc). during the soc, we were made to do all sorts of weird things, like leopard crawl up and down the jacob's ladder (there was no safety guidelines as far as i was concerned). the soc started at dusk and by the time we were done, it was already dark. we were then made to go to the mess for the "proper" mess initiation. one-by-one, we were made to report at the mess door, proclaim (shout out loud) that we were "2lt so-and-so, young and green, blur like fuck, request permission to enter the mess, sir!" i got in after one shout. but for some of my fellow batch officers, halfway through shouting their lines, they had wet and dirtied mops pushed onto onto their face, all sorts of things thrown onto them etc... and that was even before we went into the mess.
once we got into the mess, we were made to go through a few stations where we were required to do some silly things. things like placing a mop stick on our forehead, turn 20 rounds and run forward to a finishing line, etc. and at each station, we had rotten eggs, flour and even urine thrown at us by our seniors. we were also subjected to all sorts of silly (and sometimes humiliating) questions. and for every questions that we couldn't answer, we were forced to drink a can (or two cans) of beer. most of us eventually down more than 30 cans of beer each. for me, it was 36 cans. and becos we had spicy food earlier, many of us suffered heartburn during the process and eventually it hit a point where we vomitted like nobody's business. and whenever someone vomitted, the seniors would proclaim "oh, merlion, merlion" and then someone would rush forward and forced another few cans of beer down our throats. for some unlucky ones, they even had raw eggs mixed inside the beer. most of us hit a point where we were no longer fully conscious of our surroundings. we were all in a state of half zombie. the last station was the most disgusting. it was designed to make us puke even more. what the seniors did was they concocted a mixture comprising all sorts of stuff - chilli sauce, ketchup, vinegar, light soya sauce, dark soil sauce, sugar, salt, pepper, raw eggs, etc. and we have to make a toast to the mess and gulp down the mixture. trust me, with such a concoction, even the most gutsy strong stomach person would puke his intestines out.
yup, that was exactly what happened to all of us. we puke and puke and puke. i remembered that very night, after the initiation, we dragged ourselves back to our room. and at the shower, one of my fellow buddies simply lost his consciousness halfway through his shower. he stood in the shower, his face leaned against the wall and his totally lost consciousness. i remembered someone calling for help but couldn't recall what happened after that. i myself had lost all my senses. i found out the next day that he was evacuated to the medical center by the senior. well, as i said, tekong had one of the most siong (difficult) initiation. and i later learned that quite often, helicopters had to be activated to evacuate people after the initiation. with that initiation completed, we were formally welcomed into the itd officer's mess. there was a lot of handshking after that. but we were to daze to know what happened.
i can still remember a lot of things very clearly but will write some of the most memorable ones here:
- my stay in itd was a short one. i was posted there sometime in mar 86. my first batch was recruits were the 39th batch. i was the pc. for the second batch, i was elevated to become the pc cum 2ic cum acting oc (officer commanding) cos my oc went for his tdo (training development officer) course. it lasted close to 3 months. so, being young and green and blur like fuck (that was what the seniors made us proclaim during initiation), i was bullied by my camp ato (assistant training officer). he was a huge and fat chap who enjoyed bullying young officers, what more someone who was an acting oc. sighs.
- as i said, i was bullied by the ato. and for that particular batch, i was made to organize the itd recruit farewell night. a lot of logistics and planning. but well, i survived. but that experience allowed me to understand how bands were assembled, what synthesizers were, and so on. so, in a way, i had my share of learning and fun.
- my appointment as the acting oc allowed me to learn a lot a lot of stuff. i learned things that i never would have learned in my 9 months in ocs. in a way, it forced me to grow up. i had to manage things like postings, disruptions of my platoon commanders, inducting new officers, and so on.
- it was in itd that i got to know my best friend (bs). i recalled seeing him for the first time at the 300m range. and i was rather attracted to him. i was told he was newly posted in. that evening, back at the mess, i was introduced to him. we hit off straight away.
- during one of the days (lunchtime), we were at the mess, and we saw oc lima (a lta low kiam how) running towards the mess direction from the wing block. and looked pretty flustered. it felt weird. to us junior officers, oc's were supposed to be very 'zhai' (composed/ stable) and walk slowly. they are not supposed to run... but here we had an oc running. we found out later that his company had grenade throwing that morning and one of his recruits had his hands blown off. the descriptions were heard were rather gruesome - thumb hanging from the palm with only a thin slice of flesh attached, shrapnels entered all over the recruit's body, people crying, blood splattered everywhere... la la la... from then on, we all learned to respect even more the little green ball called the "hand grenade".
- some of the best moments in itd was the mess time. we were literally stranded on the island and with no place to go, we could only gather at the mess nightly when there were no trainings. and we all had a lot of fun doing stuff together - playing pool, drinking beer, eating crackers, joking, chit-chatting, etc. it was just pure bonding. and we had one lady officer whom we address affectionately by her surname "loo". and we would always tease her when someone asked for her. "where's loo?" someone would ask, and on the spot, someone would shout out "walk out of the mess door, turn left and it's there!" :-)
- i had my fair share of interesting paranormal experiences during my stay there. it ranged from recruits seeing things, recruits drawing pictures from top floor detailing position of tombstones that was supposedly found on the parade square before it was cleared off, pl sgts chasing things from floor to floor, and so on. it was rather scary frankly but well, it made the stay there very colourful and interesting.
- i stayed in itd until jun 87 when i disrupted for my uni studies. during my stay, i had 2 short breaks from itd. first was in oct 86 - dec 86 (if i recall correctly) when i went for my company tactics course, and the second period was from jan 87 - mar 87 wheen i went for my basic intelligence course (bioc). i returned after my bioc and was posted to the hq as a project officer where i was made to redesign the recruit combat movement course at rocky hill and botak hill.
the entry into itd as an officer was not an easy one. we had to first go through a two-week induction program. at the end of the program, we were made to go through an initiation ceremony at the officer's mess. we had heard so much about the ceremony. and we heard that the one in itd was one of the most siong (difficult) one in the whole army. we were given a "warm welcome" at the start of the whole intiation where we were fed with very spicy food. then, we were made to do a stand-by bed where our seniors would come in and humiliate us, ransack our cupboards, treat us worst than cadets, then do a change parade, following which we were made to change into our sbo and undergo the standard obstacle course (soc). during the soc, we were made to do all sorts of weird things, like leopard crawl up and down the jacob's ladder (there was no safety guidelines as far as i was concerned). the soc started at dusk and by the time we were done, it was already dark. we were then made to go to the mess for the "proper" mess initiation. one-by-one, we were made to report at the mess door, proclaim (shout out loud) that we were "2lt so-and-so, young and green, blur like fuck, request permission to enter the mess, sir!" i got in after one shout. but for some of my fellow batch officers, halfway through shouting their lines, they had wet and dirtied mops pushed onto onto their face, all sorts of things thrown onto them etc... and that was even before we went into the mess.
once we got into the mess, we were made to go through a few stations where we were required to do some silly things. things like placing a mop stick on our forehead, turn 20 rounds and run forward to a finishing line, etc. and at each station, we had rotten eggs, flour and even urine thrown at us by our seniors. we were also subjected to all sorts of silly (and sometimes humiliating) questions. and for every questions that we couldn't answer, we were forced to drink a can (or two cans) of beer. most of us eventually down more than 30 cans of beer each. for me, it was 36 cans. and becos we had spicy food earlier, many of us suffered heartburn during the process and eventually it hit a point where we vomitted like nobody's business. and whenever someone vomitted, the seniors would proclaim "oh, merlion, merlion" and then someone would rush forward and forced another few cans of beer down our throats. for some unlucky ones, they even had raw eggs mixed inside the beer. most of us hit a point where we were no longer fully conscious of our surroundings. we were all in a state of half zombie. the last station was the most disgusting. it was designed to make us puke even more. what the seniors did was they concocted a mixture comprising all sorts of stuff - chilli sauce, ketchup, vinegar, light soya sauce, dark soil sauce, sugar, salt, pepper, raw eggs, etc. and we have to make a toast to the mess and gulp down the mixture. trust me, with such a concoction, even the most gutsy strong stomach person would puke his intestines out.
yup, that was exactly what happened to all of us. we puke and puke and puke. i remembered that very night, after the initiation, we dragged ourselves back to our room. and at the shower, one of my fellow buddies simply lost his consciousness halfway through his shower. he stood in the shower, his face leaned against the wall and his totally lost consciousness. i remembered someone calling for help but couldn't recall what happened after that. i myself had lost all my senses. i found out the next day that he was evacuated to the medical center by the senior. well, as i said, tekong had one of the most siong (difficult) initiation. and i later learned that quite often, helicopters had to be activated to evacuate people after the initiation. with that initiation completed, we were formally welcomed into the itd officer's mess. there was a lot of handshking after that. but we were to daze to know what happened.
i can still remember a lot of things very clearly but will write some of the most memorable ones here:
- my stay in itd was a short one. i was posted there sometime in mar 86. my first batch was recruits were the 39th batch. i was the pc. for the second batch, i was elevated to become the pc cum 2ic cum acting oc (officer commanding) cos my oc went for his tdo (training development officer) course. it lasted close to 3 months. so, being young and green and blur like fuck (that was what the seniors made us proclaim during initiation), i was bullied by my camp ato (assistant training officer). he was a huge and fat chap who enjoyed bullying young officers, what more someone who was an acting oc. sighs.
- as i said, i was bullied by the ato. and for that particular batch, i was made to organize the itd recruit farewell night. a lot of logistics and planning. but well, i survived. but that experience allowed me to understand how bands were assembled, what synthesizers were, and so on. so, in a way, i had my share of learning and fun.
- my appointment as the acting oc allowed me to learn a lot a lot of stuff. i learned things that i never would have learned in my 9 months in ocs. in a way, it forced me to grow up. i had to manage things like postings, disruptions of my platoon commanders, inducting new officers, and so on.
- it was in itd that i got to know my best friend (bs). i recalled seeing him for the first time at the 300m range. and i was rather attracted to him. i was told he was newly posted in. that evening, back at the mess, i was introduced to him. we hit off straight away.
- during one of the days (lunchtime), we were at the mess, and we saw oc lima (a lta low kiam how) running towards the mess direction from the wing block. and looked pretty flustered. it felt weird. to us junior officers, oc's were supposed to be very 'zhai' (composed/ stable) and walk slowly. they are not supposed to run... but here we had an oc running. we found out later that his company had grenade throwing that morning and one of his recruits had his hands blown off. the descriptions were heard were rather gruesome - thumb hanging from the palm with only a thin slice of flesh attached, shrapnels entered all over the recruit's body, people crying, blood splattered everywhere... la la la... from then on, we all learned to respect even more the little green ball called the "hand grenade".
- some of the best moments in itd was the mess time. we were literally stranded on the island and with no place to go, we could only gather at the mess nightly when there were no trainings. and we all had a lot of fun doing stuff together - playing pool, drinking beer, eating crackers, joking, chit-chatting, etc. it was just pure bonding. and we had one lady officer whom we address affectionately by her surname "loo". and we would always tease her when someone asked for her. "where's loo?" someone would ask, and on the spot, someone would shout out "walk out of the mess door, turn left and it's there!" :-)
- i had my fair share of interesting paranormal experiences during my stay there. it ranged from recruits seeing things, recruits drawing pictures from top floor detailing position of tombstones that was supposedly found on the parade square before it was cleared off, pl sgts chasing things from floor to floor, and so on. it was rather scary frankly but well, it made the stay there very colourful and interesting.
- i stayed in itd until jun 87 when i disrupted for my uni studies. during my stay, i had 2 short breaks from itd. first was in oct 86 - dec 86 (if i recall correctly) when i went for my company tactics course, and the second period was from jan 87 - mar 87 wheen i went for my basic intelligence course (bioc). i returned after my bioc and was posted to the hq as a project officer where i was made to redesign the recruit combat movement course at rocky hill and botak hill.
Thursday, 30 September 2010
rumours
it's certainly not easy trying to keep things mum. recently, my boss told me i'd be promoted to take over a key position. of cos, i was initially rather shocked by this development, but i took it in stride and did not tell anyone. but soon enough, rumours started spreading. and people started talking. and becos this coming promotion is part of a long chain of moves by a lot of people in management, people started speculating where i would be heading. not very nice. and i really do not know how long this is gonna last.
i hope things get formally announced soon to put an end to all these rumours and speculations.
i hope things get formally announced soon to put an end to all these rumours and speculations.
feeling tired
i think it is a good thing that i feel so exhausted by the end of every day for i end up sleeping very well...
and i remembered what the venerable said once: blessed is a person who can sleep when he goes to bed at the end of the day, blessed is a person who can eat when he is hungry and blessed is a person who can laugh heartily. simple acts but things that we often take for granted.
:-)
and i remembered what the venerable said once: blessed is a person who can sleep when he goes to bed at the end of the day, blessed is a person who can eat when he is hungry and blessed is a person who can laugh heartily. simple acts but things that we often take for granted.
:-)
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
3 principles
i brought my two managers out to lunch a couple of days ago and shared with them about how rewards will come when you focus your attention on doing your best rather than focusing on the rewards... and i shared with them some of the key principles i have observed at work my whole life. and i am convinced it works. and they listened. but i wasn't too sure if they agreed.
today, there was a meeting where i had to do 2 presentations. but as i had been asked to attend a training, i couldn't attend the meeting and tasked my manager to do the brief instead. after the meeting, i messaged one of them and asked how the presentation went. he said good but we had more arrows. and i told him to be positive about it. work is given to us becos we are appreciated for being able. so we should be happy about it. and in response, he gave a cheerful reply, said yes, and restated my principles... i was dumbfounded for a while. he remembered! and i smiled to myself. thinking back, i must have looked silly during the training session.
anyway, this was what i shared as my key work principles...
(1) do your best
(2) value-add
(3) prioritize
in all you do, give your best. rewards will come without you seeking it. in all you do, don't just do it like everyone else. value-add. this way, you improve, and the company improve. and rewards will come without you asking. lastly, in everything you do, if you try to spread your effort equally, you will die of exhaustion without achieving anything. work is infinite. cannot never finish one. if push come to shaft, prioritize. and the way to do it is - your bosses priorities are your priorities. simple. not that you are carrying balls, rather, in everything we do, we are paid to solve our bosses problems. if everyone up the chain thinks the same, the company can only go in one single direction. upwards. and when that happens, rewards will come downwards. naturally...
agree?
today, there was a meeting where i had to do 2 presentations. but as i had been asked to attend a training, i couldn't attend the meeting and tasked my manager to do the brief instead. after the meeting, i messaged one of them and asked how the presentation went. he said good but we had more arrows. and i told him to be positive about it. work is given to us becos we are appreciated for being able. so we should be happy about it. and in response, he gave a cheerful reply, said yes, and restated my principles... i was dumbfounded for a while. he remembered! and i smiled to myself. thinking back, i must have looked silly during the training session.
anyway, this was what i shared as my key work principles...
(1) do your best
(2) value-add
(3) prioritize
in all you do, give your best. rewards will come without you seeking it. in all you do, don't just do it like everyone else. value-add. this way, you improve, and the company improve. and rewards will come without you asking. lastly, in everything you do, if you try to spread your effort equally, you will die of exhaustion without achieving anything. work is infinite. cannot never finish one. if push come to shaft, prioritize. and the way to do it is - your bosses priorities are your priorities. simple. not that you are carrying balls, rather, in everything we do, we are paid to solve our bosses problems. if everyone up the chain thinks the same, the company can only go in one single direction. upwards. and when that happens, rewards will come downwards. naturally...
agree?
Tuesday, 28 September 2010
f1-related qns
bee told me that over the weekend at the zoo, lpheng's son asked him - which key on the keyboard is the fastest. he couldn't and didn't answer. but i immediately told him "f1" key. he was kinda dumbfounded for that moment that i knew the answer. heh heh...
during a training session today, my trainer told us that there are only about 30+ qualified f1 drivers in the world. and he said they are crazy people. not normal. drive like that. and they really need help... and i thought... hmmm, is that why "f1" key on our keyboard is also used for "help"?
how? rather lame right? anyway, for some unknown reasons, this year's f1 seemed super low-key to us. it came and it went. we almost didn't feel it. but on that very night of the race, we both managed to tune in just when the race was about to end. and we were both very excited about the final lap when alonso and what's his name was so close together. for that moment, we both were gritting our teeth and gave a huge sigh of relief when alonso crossed the finishing line. in all, after more than 3 hours, the difference in timing between the 1st and the 2nd car was 0.29 seconds! amazing! just imagine the teamwork and the precision of everyone during that 3 hours to get such a result!
during a training session today, my trainer told us that there are only about 30+ qualified f1 drivers in the world. and he said they are crazy people. not normal. drive like that. and they really need help... and i thought... hmmm, is that why "f1" key on our keyboard is also used for "help"?
how? rather lame right? anyway, for some unknown reasons, this year's f1 seemed super low-key to us. it came and it went. we almost didn't feel it. but on that very night of the race, we both managed to tune in just when the race was about to end. and we were both very excited about the final lap when alonso and what's his name was so close together. for that moment, we both were gritting our teeth and gave a huge sigh of relief when alonso crossed the finishing line. in all, after more than 3 hours, the difference in timing between the 1st and the 2nd car was 0.29 seconds! amazing! just imagine the teamwork and the precision of everyone during that 3 hours to get such a result!
blackberry
went for a executive training today. attended it with many of my fellow company people. my second boss was there too. at the start of the program, the trainer asked - how many of you do not hold a blackberry? i raised my hand. i was the only one. apparently, all in the room had one. and the trainer commented how lucky i was not to be enslaved by the gadget. he was right. everyone i knew in the company had one and almost all the time, i see time busy typing answering and emails... like as though their lives depends on it. i don't carry one and life carries on. and the company has not collapse. right? sometimes, i think we create jobs for ourselves. anyway...
in less than an hour, i got 2 missed calls from my second boss's secretary. i called back. she told me she had indented a blackberry for me... and i knew who asked for it to be done...
sighs sighs sighs...
in less than an hour, i got 2 missed calls from my second boss's secretary. i called back. she told me she had indented a blackberry for me... and i knew who asked for it to be done...
sighs sighs sighs...
hallucinations
mum has started hallucinating again. i think she is still ill and perhaps her internal infections has not fully subside. either that or her regular medications need to be adjusted. of late, she has started to see black creepy crawlies all over her hands, and in recent nights, she said an ang moh lady had been coming to her nightly. i asked whether the lady spoke to her. and she replied no. instead, the lady and stood by her side, and gestured for her to keep quiet. i asked if she was afraid. and she said no. in addition, my brother told me she also claimed that my paternal grandparents had visited her a couple of weeks back.
hmmm... think my brother is superstitious and very worried. after all, from what he had experienced before, this same thing happened to my dad before he passed on. similarly, this was the same story for my grands (both paternal and maternal) before they passed on. although logic tells me that things are like that becos of old age, illness and medication, i do admit that i am a little worried. nonetheless, i kept reminding myself that mum is old. and if her time is up, there is nothing we can do. rather, we should make sure she gets the best attention and medical care.
hmmm... think my brother is superstitious and very worried. after all, from what he had experienced before, this same thing happened to my dad before he passed on. similarly, this was the same story for my grands (both paternal and maternal) before they passed on. although logic tells me that things are like that becos of old age, illness and medication, i do admit that i am a little worried. nonetheless, i kept reminding myself that mum is old. and if her time is up, there is nothing we can do. rather, we should make sure she gets the best attention and medical care.
Sunday, 26 September 2010
baggages
a young monk and his master was about to cross the river when they met a lady. she was hurrying home and her house was on the farbank. the sky was getting dark and the nearest bridge was a couple of kilometers downstream. and as she needed to get home before nightfall, the lady asked the monks to help carry her across the river. the young monk didn't want to do so as it is against the rules to get in physical contact with woman. the lady pleaded as she needed to rush home. as there was no other way, the master finally decided to carry her on his back instead. the young monk felt uneasy. after crossing the river, the master let down the lady. she gratefully thanked the master and went along her way.
the master continued walking quietly. the young monk felt troubled by the fact that the master had breached the rule of not to getting into physical contact with a lady. after walking a while more, he couldn't take it anymore and asked the master why he carried the lady. the master turned around and looked at him and said: "what i knew was that i had helped a person who was in distress..." the young monk was not satified with the answer and demanded a clearer answer for it was clear to him that the master had breached his practise. the master then turn around and said: "hmmm, i have already let down the person after i crossed the river and am no longer carrying her, but why are you still carrying her?" he continued walking... mindfully.
a simple true story of a chinese venerable's life in the 1800s. but it certainly has a lot of meanings. many of us are blinded by prejudices and wrong perceptions. and often these views prevented us from doing the good we should be doing. also, in life, many of us carry our burdens of grudges, anger, dissatisfactions, etc over prolonged periods of time. and we continue to attach ourselves to our past. but in actual fact, the past is gone. we should let it go. we should just move along and focus on our journey ahead. there is no reason why we continue be held ransom by our past baggage. holding on to such attachments is empty and it causes unnecessary sufferings.
this is an important story to me. of late, particularly in recent years, i have been counselling my mum frequently. you see, she is a person who has been so imprisoned by her past, it has become a habit. she is so trapped in it that she fail to appreciate and count her present blessings. and i have to keep reminding her not to do so. in recent weeks ever since my sister-in-law's mum came and stay over with her, my mum would cry whenever she sees them so sweet and close. she kept thinking of how she got ill-treated by her own mum, and for that matter, by her mother-in-law, my grandmother. she failed to totally see and appreciate the fact that she has a good daughter-in-law, that she has a good and caring environment that constantly provides for her. sighs... i could not do anything except to constantly counsel her.
the master continued walking quietly. the young monk felt troubled by the fact that the master had breached the rule of not to getting into physical contact with a lady. after walking a while more, he couldn't take it anymore and asked the master why he carried the lady. the master turned around and looked at him and said: "what i knew was that i had helped a person who was in distress..." the young monk was not satified with the answer and demanded a clearer answer for it was clear to him that the master had breached his practise. the master then turn around and said: "hmmm, i have already let down the person after i crossed the river and am no longer carrying her, but why are you still carrying her?" he continued walking... mindfully.
a simple true story of a chinese venerable's life in the 1800s. but it certainly has a lot of meanings. many of us are blinded by prejudices and wrong perceptions. and often these views prevented us from doing the good we should be doing. also, in life, many of us carry our burdens of grudges, anger, dissatisfactions, etc over prolonged periods of time. and we continue to attach ourselves to our past. but in actual fact, the past is gone. we should let it go. we should just move along and focus on our journey ahead. there is no reason why we continue be held ransom by our past baggage. holding on to such attachments is empty and it causes unnecessary sufferings.
this is an important story to me. of late, particularly in recent years, i have been counselling my mum frequently. you see, she is a person who has been so imprisoned by her past, it has become a habit. she is so trapped in it that she fail to appreciate and count her present blessings. and i have to keep reminding her not to do so. in recent weeks ever since my sister-in-law's mum came and stay over with her, my mum would cry whenever she sees them so sweet and close. she kept thinking of how she got ill-treated by her own mum, and for that matter, by her mother-in-law, my grandmother. she failed to totally see and appreciate the fact that she has a good daughter-in-law, that she has a good and caring environment that constantly provides for her. sighs... i could not do anything except to constantly counsel her.
what a weekend!
breakfast at changi airport swensons, sweeping the floor, mopping the floor, writing my minutes, heading to mum's place, carrying my newborn niece, visiting the zoo, eating peanut butter chocolate, eating vit c jelly beans, go shopping at jurong point, eating at thai express, doing my laundry, feeding the dog, walking the dog, doing my marketing for sapphie's fruits, having breakfast at bedok, having drinks with sam, teaching in school, visiting mum (again), carrying my newborn niece (again), getting my hair cut, more minute writing, eating out (again)... sleeping...
what a weekend!
what a weekend!
mindful speeding
i had an interesting thought this morning on my way to class. i was driving above the speed limit and when i met my fellow teacher in school, he commented that i drove very fast. my response? "no lah, i drive fast, but i didn't rush. if you rush when you drive, it can be dangerous even if you are driving slowly. conversely, if you are mindful, even if you drive fast, you can be very safe."
and he asked - so? mindful speeding is safe? hmmm, i should tell my wife that.
heh heh... yes, my take is this - mindful speeding can be safe. just look at grand prix drivers. they drive at crazy speeds right? but they are very focus and mindful when they drive. no? heh heh... but well, let me set my words right. when i said mindful speeding is safe, i do not advocate that one should start speeding along our roads. to do so is being reckless and irresponsible. let me explain. it is safe provided you are driving on roads that are designed to take driving at that kind of speed, people driving around you observe the same cautious habits as you, people around you are also mindful when they drive, and the car you are driving can take that kinda speed. too many ifs right?
not worth the risk. not to mention, breaking the law. and yes, i was irresponsible when i drove fast this morning.
and he asked - so? mindful speeding is safe? hmmm, i should tell my wife that.
heh heh... yes, my take is this - mindful speeding can be safe. just look at grand prix drivers. they drive at crazy speeds right? but they are very focus and mindful when they drive. no? heh heh... but well, let me set my words right. when i said mindful speeding is safe, i do not advocate that one should start speeding along our roads. to do so is being reckless and irresponsible. let me explain. it is safe provided you are driving on roads that are designed to take driving at that kind of speed, people driving around you observe the same cautious habits as you, people around you are also mindful when they drive, and the car you are driving can take that kinda speed. too many ifs right?
not worth the risk. not to mention, breaking the law. and yes, i was irresponsible when i drove fast this morning.
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