career options

attended a 2-day workshop on managing career transition and as part of the programme, i had to participate in a survey. the survey helps to surface, to the individual's awareness, his strength, weaknesses, interests and affinity towards a particular field of jobs... and interestingly, i discovered/ reaffirmed the following:

• i do well in people-related jobs (despite the fact that all my personality surveys tell me i am a v v v introverted & reflective person), leading teams, etc. some suggested areas that can be considered my strengths are in coaching, team-building, facilitating & leading.

• the fields that i am least suited for include those related to the arts, literary, scientific research, fields that requires me to strategize... (may be that's why james always had tensions with me when it came to literary stuff! it's just not me! hmmm, i was so rite when i told him to stop trying to make me be like him)

• the fields that i am most suited include those that deal with knowledge-specialist areas, jobs that has a high-level of social service-relatedness as well as jobs that has a high degree of being outside (outdoor activities-based).

and coupled with a few other factors surveyed, it suggested that i should look at events management-related, education/ training-related, social service management, administration management-related fields... so what other jobs are there that suits these description?

lots of food for thought!

legendary courtesan

managed to catch the show `hwang jin-yi' last evening. the show was based on a legendary courtesan who lived in 16th century korea. overall, i found the show quite boring, felt more like a tv serial. but assuming the show has done sufficient research to accurately portray 16th century korea - it's culture, costume, people, etc, i must say i was quite impressed and have actually learned a bit more abt it. also, i was rather awed by the beautiful hanbok as well as the very very big and beautiful hairdo - very drama :-)

freaking shagged out!

it's been a freaking busy week... co-ordinating learning activities for the new course, external lecturers who're the who's who in their respective fields coming in to lecture/dialogue with the course, discussions and plenaries, etc... and to top it off, half of my fellow colleagues involved in facilitating their respective classes were either sick, involved in external meetings or managing their out of college obligations. and all these means i have to pow-kah-liao (do everything).

and really, at one stage, i was running across all 9 classes! topping if off, i had to be involved in curriculum review discussion for the course in 2009 as well as deconflicting the requirements for the coming course in Oct 07! also, the week coincided with my career transition workshop! it was pure mayhem! i saw the same for my colleagues and witnessed angers flaring, tensions etc. so much so for transforming to create capacity for future! cut training staff, cut curriculum development personnel, cut learning & admin support staff, expand curriculum demands and expect the smaller pool of staff to deliver significantly more. really think we are bluffing ourselves!

anyway, to cut the long story short, it had been a freaking shagged week and am i glad weekend is finally here!

omg!!!

i received an auto-generated message in my email recently from someone from fridae. well, not a big and surprising thing considering i get these `thank you'-type or `hi'-type of messages from people i do not know once a while... the person said he had read my blog and liked the way i put things... what i found most interesting abt the mail was the tone of the message... it sounded very warm and in a very `i-know-you' kinda manner. but of cos, i did not and could pay much attention to it as i was not able to log in to my fridae in office due to the firewalls etc...

and when i opened my fridae acct last evening, i almost freaked out. the face i saw staring at me was that of charles's best friend - someone whom i considered attractive and had also told charles about... and had asked charles to keep it between two of us (you know, it was the `tell-but-don-tell' kinda thing). and when i saw his face, i knew at that moment that charles had leaked it out and i was like going omg! omg! omg! :-) it was so embarrassing! so unbecoming rite? a 40-over year old man still behaving like a teenager... so funny... anyway, learnt from charles later that he had told his best frd abt me and had been `forced at gunpoint' to reveal my blog url... and then everything fell in place...

but i must say, i still don't believe charles when he told me he said nothing at all abt me... :-)

then again, i am glad i have made a new friend! oh, i am such a slut! ;-)

from a kampong boy to a hdb flat kid...

the years 1973 - 1974 marked my no-turning back transition from a kampong boy to become the typical urban-creature that so characterise almost all singaporeans today.

by mid-73, due to the mass re-deployment of the population to government's relocation order as a result of the mass housing programme, we had to vacate our kampong (and might as well for things were also getting a bit uneasy with the not-too-friendly neighbours in the kampong). my dad was told he had successfully balloted for a flat in marine parade. the flat would only be ready in jun 74. in order to give me and my sisters a seamless year in school, my parents decided that we had to transfer school and start term in the new school term come jan 74. and naturally, my dad decided to rent a room in his friend's house in joo chiat - a place that was a mere 5-min from my pri school and less than half hour walking distance to our new flat. i remembered leaving my kampong with a heavy heart for i had planted a mango seedling hoping to enjoy the fruits one day. when i left, the seedling was as tall as me. to a 6-plus year-old me, it was my everything. that was also my first experience with loss... and heartbreak.

the joo chiat place residence was an old bungalow that had been converted to a metal recycling factory (in hokkien, we call it the chow-ti-long). the whole place was filled with old discarded metal items savaged from all over the area. and because of the rust and the thick black oil / grease used, the whole place smelled heavily of metal. i use metal as a descriptor here for i cannot find a more accurate adjective for it. i wouldn't call it an unpleasant nor good-smelling. but it certainly reek of a distinct smell that is somewhere between that of rancid oil/ grease and that of freshly-produced metal sheets. and given a choice, many people would not want to stay in it for too long nor be associated with it. despite this, my brother and i played catching amongst these waste metal parts, climbed all over the metal beams and make a lot of noise (well, which 7 and 4 year olds do not make noise rite? :-)... ) however, my dad's plan to stay there till the marine parade flat was ready was disrupted when my dad's friends complained we were too noisy. in the end, we had to move to my second aunt's place in toa payoh.

toa payoh (omg! i just found out from wiki that the name means `the big swamp'!) was a new hdb satellite town then. everything was modern and hip - from hawker centers to community centers to shopping centers - could be found in toa payoh. but to me, this also meant long bus-rides to and fro my school in telok kurau. the daily 5.45am bus trips on service 152 took me through pig and poultry (chicken & ducks) farms and swampy areas that spotted the potong pasir areas at the outskirts of toa payoh. i still recall the daily distinct farm-smell (some called it kueh-sai bi or chicken-shit smell) and sights of morning mists lifting from the kampongs. those were perhaps the only few things i could remember cos i would be dead asleep through most of the journey... the early morning journeys ended in jun 1974 when we finally moved to marine parade.

today, the swampy areas has been filled and has been replaced with the central expressway (cte). the places where smelly farms used to be has been occupied by the multi-storeyed comfort-delgro transport company building. nonetheless, whenever i travel pass by the area, the memories of the smells and sights still return.

wtf! i feel the earth move...

been superbly superbly busy with work. end of one course last week, last minute co-ordination for new course next week, preparing for another course starting oct, and then discussing new curriculum for the 2009 course! all coming together! and amidst all these, i have to attend to my masters module!

and here i am, was not in a terribly good mood these fews days. so i decided to take a day off today to relax my mind and to ease things off a bit. and what do i get? - this steeeeeeewwwwwwwpid neighbour's apartment below mine undergoing renovation! and at least 2 pneumatic drills are going drrrrr-drrrr--drrrrr---drrrrrr at the same time!!! at top volume too!

wtf! wtf! wtf!

habits...

oh it's so hard to wean off a habit...

reddish

finally had the chance to sit down and have a proper dinner with reddish. it's been almost 4 years since we started corresponding with each other - first thru fridae, then sms, and then the occasional chancing on each other at the pool and it's always the `ok-let's-meet-sometime' kinda thing whenever we bump into one another... until 2 weeks back... when we decided it's time to act on it! v nice evening chatting and catching up and getting to know each other better. but i must say that it's kinda weird cos after all these years of chatting/sms-ing, when you finally meet the person face-to-face, it's like getting to know him all over again! :-)

but it's a nice feeling after all. making a new connection. makes one feel alive and kicking!

arctic tale

it was amazing how the producers managed to capture the close up shots of the bears and the walruses. some of the scenes really made one wonder how it could ever be done! eg, baby polar bears barely being borned, walruses mating, etc... from this aspect, it was certainly an eye-opening and at the same time educational experience for me.

the way the story was told, it touched the hearts of many viewers. polar bears and walruses that were to become the key characters of the show (never mind that they were actually composite animals captured and stitched together to make a congruent story) were given names. those without names were the `supporting-casts' and it's kinda expected that in the end, they either leave the show quietly or they get killed - eg by starvation or became prey to a stronger predator... and by naming the key characters, the producers had successfully put a human front to the animals. and by showing scenes that touches one's more affective side such as animal mating, mother protecting the young, training the young, etc. and i could hear many sniffles amongst the audiences when something tragic happen to the animals. often, i had to remind myself that - hey, this is the animal world, it's survival of the fittest. if you are weak, you die. simple as that...

nonetheless, the show did successfully bring across a more worrisome message - that of global warming, of how we human have contributed to it and how it is affecting the lives of many many other species of animals that share this fragile global ecosystem with us.

overall, i found it an educational experience. not as impactful as march of the penguin, but it has it's own charm. i do also wonder - did the producers actually let the polar bear cub die of hunger? if they did, are they not guilty of murder? they could have provided some food for the cub and saved it. ethical issues... i have no answers.

azur & asmar

watched azur & asmar on sat nite. it was such a colourful show! nonetheless, the story came across as a bit weird for in the end, according to one of the girls who exclaimed as she walked out of the cinema: "wow! it's like a united nations lor, each one fucking each other's woman lor..." well, not really, not in that crude manner. let me explain...

the story goes something like that... an arab nursemaid raises azur, the son of a french lord, and asmar, her own son. the two boys were as close as brothers despite the fact that one was white and the other coloured (arab/ middle eastern). the nursemaid would tell them bedtime stories, one of which was about the legendary "beautiful fairy of the djinns" from her homeland. she would tell tales of how many had ventured into the land of the djinns and fighting with magical creatures in order to gain the fairy's hand in marriage. both boys grew up, building a bond closer than that of friends. it so happened that one day, with the intent to stop asmar's bad influences (`bad' in the eyes of the status-conscious french lord) on azur, the lord decided to send away azur his son to town, and thereafter dismissed the nursemaid & asmar. the heartbroken azur grew up, convinced that he will one day crossed the sea to look for asmar.

well, the story was rather straight forward. after their reunion, azur & asmar embarked on the journey to win the heart of the "fairy of the djinns". they eventually found the fairy. the thing was, the fairy looked of arabic descent and given that both arrived at the same time, it was not possible for her to marry both. and after a long period of indecision, she asked for one of her fellow-fairies (her cousin - and a white one!) to help. eventually what turned out was, instead of helping her decide, the white fairy picked the the coloured asmar as her beau while the coloured fairy chose the white azur... oh, and for that matter, even asmar's mother also paired up with a french beggar... this ending was a li'l weird i must say and i guess it's a bit hard to swallow. so now, you understand why the girl exclaimed as such :-)

nonetheless, it was a really visually stunning show. love it! magical!

my best friend

it was a pleasant weekend despite all the rush. bs sent me a mail on thur abt his return from korea for his bro's wedding on sat. and i had to readjust all my weekend schedules... well, not much of a schedule in the first place other than having to attend an ex-staff's daughter's wedding dinner on sunday nite. anyway, bs returned on fri night. so, it was a big rush from collin's birthday dinner to the airport, picked bs up and sent him home. didn't feel too easy attending his bro's wedding despite him asking, never felt very comfortable abt weddings, well, u know... the usual questions will be asked. anyway, i felt bad turning down the invite and could sense his disappointment. nonetheless, met up with him and his whole family for sunday lunch followed by doing some shopping with them over the afternoon - a family kinda thing before returning home.

went for my ex-staff's daughter's wedding dinner, passed him the ang-pow and rushed off to sent off bs at the airport. this time round, his return was kinda last minute and was quite a rush. and at the airport, i was pleasantly surprised when he placed his hand on my lap occasionally while we talked - just like old days. it was a very warm feeling. a feeling of male-male bonding. nothing erotic. just warm and pure bliss. and for that moment, i was convinced and very happy that my best friend has seen me beyond my sexuality and accepted me for what i am. you see, we had been best of friends since our army days. he has since moved to the states, got married and sired 2 daughters. i came out to him in 2005, my darkest year in my life thus far when i was outed by my company and had subsequently gone into depression. altho he has accepted it, i couldn't help but felt a kinda gap created. but i guess my fears were unfounded after all.

thank you my dear friend.

big bird & elmo

saw this find your character @ brainfall.com site from a friend's (smarty22) bfriend's blog and decided to try out this "which sesame character r u?" test... :-) for the fun of it, not very me, but well, wat the heck rite? considering my bee bee always compare us to bert & ernie... and hey, we found out we are in fact big bird & elmo instead of bert & ernie... :-)

me: "You are Big Bird. You are something of an eccentric, and not everyone always gives you credit for your inventiveness and intelligence. You may not always know everything, but people turn to you for your sound, unique logic. Plus, you have a big heart. Really big."

bee bee: "You are Elmo. You are lovable and ticklish, and always inquisitive. Sometimes, though, your excitement about the world can make you seem childish, naive and occasionally irritating to others."

before & after

sometimes i surprise myself by my own writings. does not sound like me at all. made a comment in one of my friend's blog earlier... and reading it again, i thought to myself - `hey, how in the world could i have written such statements huh?'... anyway, here's wat i wrote - today is `after' framed from the perspective of yesterday but it is `before' framed from the perspective of tomorrow :) enjoy life. live it. flaunt it. anytime is young time. most imptly, learn from it. for today's lesson is a building block for tomorrow's wisdom. be happy.

friends

once a while, like today, i get this feeling that i have lost all my friends. and it's a scary thought. losing friends not by design but by the natural development of things. that over time, with lesser and lesser interactions, people drift, and you eventually loose contact with them.

it's a scary thought. life without friends. for me, a gayman, my friends are my family. my extended family. and this is the same for all glbts i know.

am not sure whether it is due to my being conditioned (self-imposed admittedly) after so long being attached to james who had refused to mix with my friends or a result of being strangled by the commitment i signed not to go to gay places - for it is these places that the define the gay social structure and that allows interaction.

whatever the case, once a while, i am petrified by such thoughts of isolation. for loneliness kills.

the truth hurts

it is not often tat one gets into a situation where he realizes that the country and the system he lives in is not as perfect as he had thought it to be. and that in reality, there are people & organisations within the system that systematically hunt and weed out people like us, puts a gag on us, corner us to a point where we either leave the system or if we choose to stay, become prostitutes of the system.

it was a rude awakening for one of my good friend smarty22 today. for he found out the extent to which this systematic hunt is being carried out. and he cried.

and to think of him crying hurts. it makes me sad. he must have felt v much betrayed. for he, like me, are so so so pro-system. we love our country so much. but, in a way, i was glad that he has been made aware of this rude truth. and am glad that he is now able to better appreciate what i went through. and better understand the depth of my frustrations and tensions.

life goes on. and as i told him - be happy.

of gaymen & asian women

saturday was not a bad day afterall :-)

it was an interesting day... well, apart from waking up early and then going back to sleep, managed to do many things too. let's see, met up with my, lk, lp for lunch to celebrate my's 40th birthday. t'was a good lunch catching up with them - my uni friends (all of them str8) whom i have kept in contact after all these years. anyway, lk and my know abt me and bee bee. but not lp. and despite having gone on holidays with lay pheng in beijing, she has always assumed that we are just nothing but best friends... well, of cos there were frequent questions of why we are so close, etc etc etc...

ok, back to yesterday - ended lunch with dessert at ah teng's cafe. and oh my goodness! there were so many gaymen there. almost every table! but of cos but of cos, perhaps having tea is something that more gaymen indulge in on a lazy weekend afternoons :-) drove lk to work after tea and had a chat with her in the car. we kinda think that gaymen tend to set the trends for many things, even the macho-ones - such as, rollerblading, canoeing, dragon-boating, surf-boarding, gym, etc... in the mid-90s, there were hordes of gaymen rollerblading and jogging on weekends at the east coast fort road area. these days, they have somehow all disappeared and instead, we get gay teams of dragon boaters,... and of cos, according to lk, all you need to get gay men to congregate is to open a gym :-)

caught the afternoon home song stories. a very real and touching but depressing story about a mother's struggles between her own life and desires and bringing up her children. the show was told from the eyes of the 10-year-old son, tom, and centered around how he tried to make sense of his mother's erratic behaviours as she grappled with life by using her body; and how he and his sister were thrust into the harsh realities of the adult world. i could imagine how traumatic it was for the pair to see their mother hanging from the ceiling. the scene that followed showing their helpless & desperate race against time as the sister tried to cut the cord while tom struggled to hold up his mother's limp body was most heart-breaking. i could hear many in the audience sniffling throughout the show. and to me, the show also reminded me of a more serious and sad fact - that of the helplessness of the asian women not too long ago. joan chen pulled off the role excellently. one of her best performance i must say. and i am sure we will be seeing more of the joel tok, the 11-year old boy who played the son. he is just so, soooo innocently cute!!! i enjoyed the show thoroughly.

and to top off the day, bee bee and i went to chinese garden for the lantern festivals... and ended with teochew porridge before heading home.

not too bad a saturday afterall :-)

zzzzzz

so defeated!!!

waking up early, marketing, la la la.... i was so excited abt the early start to the weekend... surprised my parents that i had actually done all my usual weekend morning stuff by 6.30am. cut up all the condiments and ingredients for my zichar hokkien mee. wrote my blog, woke bee bee up for breakfast. wanted to do something different this morning... should i go for a run? should i go for a swim, or hmmm... what should i do, i wondered.

then out of no where, i felt this wave of exhaustion and sleepiness.

and the sky turned dark, darkest ever i have seen for a while (no kidding!). then it starting raining.

such ideal conditions to zzzzzzzzzz.........

then i succumbed and reported to the zee-monster...

(and my bee bee is laughing at me now)

good morning singapore!!!

send off one of my foreign student at the airport at 5am this morning and decided that it's not a good idea to come home to nap again before doing my weekend marketing. so i decided to head straight to the market at just before 6am. not usual for someone who sleeps till 9-ish and heads to markets for breakfast 10-ish every weekend... and hmmm, the last time i went marketing at this god-forsaken time of the morning was when i was in sec school in the late-70/ early-80s :-)

and i was so so so overwhelmed by what i saw when i arrived at the market.

the freshness of the produce! it was like the fishes were shimmering and inviting me to buy them! the fruits & vegetables were all so fresh you can almost smell the morning freshness of the farm! and of cos, the every single store was filled to the brim with produce! and the hawkers were busy arranging the sea bass, the ikan kuning, ikan kurau, ikan selah, the sotongs, prawns, crabs, live frogs, etc etc etc... it was really a sight! and being so early, there was hardly any crowd! such a sight was something that i had not seen for a very long time!

and for that moment, i was lost in time. for that moment, i just stood there, not knowing what to buy, not knowing what i should cook. my senses were so overwhelmed!

good start to the weekend! wooo-hoooooo!!!

ps: since i was so overwhelmed and was so tempted to buy everything, i ended up buying almost nothing! (cannot possibly buy everything rite?) so i decided to cook something simple in the end... zichar hokkien mee :-)

month of life

if aug was a month of birthdays, sep must be a month of life. and i am saying this because in this month alone, i have experiences with all stages of life, in order of sequence - my colleague's wife gave birth last night, next week, i've been invited to attend the wedding of another colleague's son, this week one of my colleague got hospitalised, today is min yee's 40th birthday, two days back was ah bee's father's 60th birthday and finally one of my colleague's mum just passed away and i had just returned from the wake.

birth, process of aging (growth/life), sickness & finally death; it seemed like every stage of life have/will be flashing by me this month... and for that, i shall christen this month, september - the month of life.

dogshit!

since i've been talking so much about shit and that i have recently submitted my stools for tests, i would like to share another incident. thought it was very funny :-)

in end-1999 when james & i had just brought sapphie home, we had a lot of fun looking after her. like new parents, we were totally lost about how to take care of a puppy. and on sapphie's second month, we sent her for a medical check-up and was told that we need to send her stools for tests - think it was for worm test or something like that. of cos, being new and totally uninitiated in the field of collecting dogshit, it was a very challenging tasks for us!

you see, on that fateful morning, i had to convince my baby sapphie to shit on the newspaper in the laundry area (located in the kitchen). it was so difficult! well, after some huge amt of effort, sapphie finally did her business on the newspaper. and of cos, i collected a lump of it and placed it inside a ziploc bag. i went on to clear the soiled newspapers and had to place the ziploc on the kitchen parapet. and of all things to happen, my elbow accidentally pushed the ziploc bag and it dropped down onto the gala pole of a unit 4 levels down!

it was like omg!!! i was really caught between acting blur and going down to get it from the family... if i acted blur, there was really no way to make sapphie shit again! (and the appt time was closing), on the other hand, if i were to knock on the door, it would be most embarassing. can u imagine knocking on the door of a stranger early saturday morning and utter something like - `arrr, auntie, i dropped my dogshit on your laundry and would like to collect it,...' can imagine how awkward it would be?!!! or put urself in the shoes of the auntie... terrible rite?!

problem! problem! such dilemmas... anyway, after lots of deliberation and convincing, james went down to collect the shit for me and all's well that ended well... we got the dogshit, sent it for the test and sapphie was found to be worm-free... it was certainly an interesting incident that had slipped my mind until now when my bee bee started teasing me about collecting my stools over the weekend.... :-)

i hate twitching eyes

enuf said... my left eye has been twitching since yesterday!

& oh, my mum used to tell me that if a person's right eye twitches, it means something good will happen to him. & if it is his left eye, then something bad will happen... :-(

blood & gore

ok, ok... no gore... just shit (omg! i seemed to be talking about shit so much these days!).

you see, i went for the next part of my medical tests today. and i had to collect my stool sample (yes! that is a nice name for `collect shit sample') over the weekend for submission today too... so so so unglam! walking in to the medical center and then it was like `nah! my shit!' well, of cos, i did not say it this way la... will die a most embarrassing death if i were to do that. anyway, i walked into the medical center in a most discreet manner and passed it to the lab personnel... and stood aside while he prepare to suck my blood, well, using the syringe of cos! and the tourniquet the lab guy applied on my arm was so tight it felt like the blood vessels will explode anytime. and pwhhooooooooah!!! it was helluva lot of blood he sucked! a whole syringeful! by the time he finished, my hand felt limp and bloodless! well of cos, the lab guy explained that there are a series of many tests that needed to be done and that explained the huge amount needed :-)

so, for now, i will wait for the results... and of cos await to be scheduled for other checks - still to come - urine tests, bp, bmi, ecg test (i hope i don't do the one where i have to run with all sorts of stuffs stuck onto me!), doctor's interview, etc...

of sight... & excuses

i have asked this some 2-plus years back - are there blind gays? given that looks are so important, i can envisage how challenging life would be like for gays who are blind. not so much whether they can love people for i am damned cock sure they can, but rather, whether people can accept and love blind people given that looks is one super big criteria in the gay circle*. anyway, this is my morning-after reflections after watching `the willow tree' last night.

well, at that time when i asked this question, i had not bothered to research further. today, i did a google on blind gay and am surprised to know that yes, there are indeed blind gay people out there. and for that matter, they were blind from birth/ at such a young age that they have no idea what our world is like. and this hey, doesn't this further reinforce the notion that being gay is in-borne and not nurtured?

and for that matter, how many of us (both str8 & gay alike) view people through coloured and discriminatory lenses (often a result of our ignorance) to the talent and contributions by people (again both str8 & gay) around us? and we choose to disguise these discriminatory lenses by using excuses such as `conservative society', `dangerous', `potential threats', etc...

* here, i am assuming that blind gay people are perhaps not so conscious abt looks to the extend that they put so much energy to pump up their bodies to get the oooohhh -so -toned -& -smooth -an -ant -will -drown -in -perspiration -in -the -abs -crevice type of body!

shit magnet

totally not glam... totally not glam at all! and if the trend goes on, i will probably be known as shit magnet lo! was driving along orchard road again two nights ago and as i pass mandarin hotel, splat!!! a ^%&%$#*^ bomb dropped onto my car windscreen - a huge one too! larger than that one that dropped on my t-shirt couple of days back... (and yes, it's mandarin again!). second time in a week. and last night, when i parked my car after reaching home, i noted that there was a large patch of shit on my bonnet! luckily these two times, it was on my car and not me!

tscerk, tscerk, tscerk*... what the ^&;*$)%W&... if only i have this kinda luck with the lottery!

* henceforth, i shall spell it this way instead of using `tsk tsk tsk'. somehow, `tsk, tsk, tsk' sounds so ang-mo, spelling it this way also sounds more like the `tscerk' sound we always make when we are annoyed... you know... the type that almost always come with an `aiyo-yoooohhh' behind... (can almost picture the cheong-sum-auntie-with-big-mole-on-cheek-wearing-the-60s-pointed-specs- &-knuckles-on-her-waist pose!) oops, reverting to my mama-self again!... but u get the idea!

the willow tree

poignant. powerful. impactful. beautiful. profound. spiritual. simple. what was unsaid was louder than what was said. seeing more when one cannot see. clever use of symbolism. these are some of the adjectives and phrases that i'll use to describe the film `the willow tree' by majid majidi. very good acting by the casts. i was totally blown away by parviz parastui (youssef the lead), roya taymourian (roya the wife) and afarin obeisi (the mother) (pictures above from left to right). my only slight misgiving was that it came across as a bit too righteous. other than that, i was totally overwhelmed. i also came out of the show with a better awareness of iran, its people and its culture; and to a certain extend, a deeper appreciation of islam and the islamic way of life.

charles

chanced upon charles' blog while surfing the net yesterday. so happy. decided to drop him a mail and include him in my msn list... and next thing i know, he logged on! we had a good and nice chat over the msn. it was so nice to be able to reconnect with friends whom you have lost contact with.

anyway, charles was one of my staff some 10 years ago. he was the cutest and of course, one of my favourite. could sense he was gay (and i only learned from our chat yesterday that he only came out and accepted it some couple of years back)... anyway, i kept my distance. i was (and still am) very clear abt the line between work-self and personal-self. at work, i always have a very good working relationship with all my staff and there would be a certain of closeness between them and me to the extend that they could talk to me abt their life, their friends etc. this was the same with charles. and i recalled how he would also seek my opinions about some of his life's directions - like, for example, should he pursue his studies... so glad that he is happy and very successful in his career now! :-)

some recent shows

bourne ultimatum
to me, this is the best amongst the 3 (earlier 2 being bourne identity & bourne supremacy). the pace of the show picked up from the start of the show and went on and on and on... exhilarating! well, of course, there were times during the show that seemed unreal and that seemed like time & space does not exist (like how bourne can run from place to place around at world faster than a decision can be made!). also, doesn't bourne ever need to sleep? but well, this is a show right? just enjoy it! oooohhh, i loved the song & music! (oh, check out the website too, it's really good!)

poltergay
not worth the effort.

the girl who leapt thru time
ok, watched this show 2 months back, but still, i feel the need to write something abt it. so here goes - there were some loose-ends in the story that needs tidying up, but overall, a very enjoyable experience. somehow, i find myself enjoying japanese anime much more than disney/ warner bros,.. perhaps it is the theme of the stories - to me, japanese anime tend to dwell in fantasies that involves adults. and in watching them, it allows me, as an adult, to transit into my child-in-me mode of thoughts. guess it's kinda an escape for me. also the japanese anime production is somewhat more `cartoony' and that it has the charm of the age-old classic hand-drawn cartoon, very unlike western animation today that, apart from the characters, everything else tries to mimic reality, sometimes, so much so that it look and feel like the real stuff.

insomnia

it's getting worst...

jim carrey & suu kyi

"Actor Jim Carrey pleads for Myanmar's Suu Kyi in YouTube..."

with all respect, how much credibility does carrey has? even if he is, in all sense, very serious about wat he said, will people see this appeal as a joke?

god

i must say that most reviewers would not recommend evan almighty if you want quality serious stuff... i was lucky in the sense that i watched the show couple of days back with absolutely no expectations except to relax and have a silly laugh... and the show did not disappoint.

nonetheless, despite all the cranky jokes and the rather weak attempt at re-creating the story of noah's ark (in the modern context), i personally think there was a rather serious message in the show... in the show, mrs evan had prayed to god for a closely knit family. what happened was that eventually, when evan was so caught up with building the ark, mrs evan could not understand him and eventually left him with their 3 sons. god appeared to mrs evan and said something to the effect that when she prayed for a closely knit family, god cannot possibly give it to her.. not in the sense of `nah! give you!' but what happened was that in all that happened, god had created opportunities for the family to build bonds, to stick together, through good and bad times, and in doing so, given them the opportunities to be closely knitted.

i found this conversation very very interesting. for in effect, `god' himself in the show admitted that he has not actually done anything. but in asking for something, the individual has admitted his deficiency/ recognise his desires and more often than not, it is up to the individual's efforts and commitment to recognise opportunities to realise and overcome his deficiencies/ realise his desires. interesting... well, i also asked myself - so what is god in this case?

• is god an abstract created by human beings in an attempt to answer to his insecurities?

• or is god a manifestation of man's fear and uncertainties? something that man has not been able to answer based on his understanding of his surrounding? and that this probably explains the existence of god of fire, god of lightning, goddess of the moon...

• or is god an abstract created to explain the cause of human feelings eg pain & fear (god as fire, lightning, thunder...) happiness (god as nature, beautiful things etc)...

• as such, is god an excuse for man's ignorance? and if a particular religion thinks that it is god that created man, may i then ask, after reflecting - actually, who created who? did god create man? or is god a human construct (ie man created the concept of god)?

• and isn't god as powerful as what man made him to be (ie god's legitimacy is accorded by man)?
  

depending on who's perspective the questions are viewed from, it can be rather controversial and debatable and i do not have any clear answers. it would probably be a topic that will be and probably has been discussed at length by many theologists. no, it is not that suddenly i am interested in theology, it is not. it's just the effect the show had on me. and coupled with the fact that i recently got into this interesting online exchange with this christian lady who swore blind that god has all the answers and that homosexuality is a sin etc etc etc... and that homosexuals are condemned etc if they do not immediately repent so that jesus christ can save them.

i certainly do not accept her answers not because i am not a christian. but rather, i am the type of person who seeks scientific answers. and thus far, genetics is the closest answer i can find about the reasons behind sexuality. as for religion, i think a person's belief in god (regardless what his denomination/ religion is) is a very personal thing and that ultimately, what is most important is the positive influence his religion has on him and his conduct.

rata...

what more can i say... the way to a man's heart (and soul) is through food... food oh glorious food! the scene that i will always remember was when anton ego the critic tasted the ratatouille... oh, how true how true... nothing beats the familiarity of mother's cooking! the smell, the taste, the innocence, the house, the childhood... for that moment, i could almost feel the tears swelling in my eyes as i myself got transported to my kampong days... when my mum would shred fish meat and mix chopped chye sim into my rice, add a bit of soya sauce and... hmmm.... heavenly!

well i guess sometimes, it is not so much wat one physically sees, tastes or feels, but rather the feelings and emotions the experience evokes that matters most.

of waistlines & age

went to the tailor today to tailor my work clothes... and haiz... you know you are growing old (ok, ok... older) when you realize that your waistline is growing faster than your age... :-(

bird shit and stuffs...

it had been a day that was peppered with little misfortunes... but hey, these experiences made my day really interesting!

misfortune one
had this south asian worker (ok, i assumed he was a bangla worker from the way he carried himself and the way he walked) walked passed us outside cathay cinema, and omg!!! the sweat stench of his shirt was really really unbearable!!! i noticed that everyone whom he walked pass somehow slowed down and let him walk a distance before they walk normally again! wondered if he was aware of how bad he smelled...

misfortune two
a bird (mynah!) shitted (or is it shat? argh, watever, u get the drift) on me today while i was walking along orchard road... u know, it was one of those big angsana trees outside mandarin hotel where our bird friends would roost at night. and just a split second before it happened, i was thinking how unlucky it would be if those people sitting on the benches below the trees were to be hit! and then... splat! *&@$^%!&# and as if it was not bad enough, my bee bee tried to wipe it off and it spreaded over a larger area! just my luck that that particular bird who bombed on me had a really huge meal earlier... anyway, i ended up having a humongous stain on my newly bought nike t-shirt and i had to wash it in the heeren toilet! so unglam standing by the sink topless and washing the bird-shit!

misfortune three
well, ok, was not a misfortune per se. still, it was not a very nice experience to witness this twenty-something year old guy (undergrad i believe) lying prone on a 3-seater sofa at raffles city gloria jean doing his homework. i mean, his occupying the 3-seater was one thing but the fact was that the 3-seater was part of a set of 3+2 arrangement and his lying on the 3-seater meant he has effectively deprived 5 potential customers from using the space. the best part was that he acted blur throughout the period we were there despite the fact that there were a lot of people walking by and giving him dirty stares! disgusting!

gay men & woman-gazing

ya, i know, the title sounds unreal... and yes, admittedly, when 2 gay men look at women, you never know who is looking at what, or for that matter, who is looking at who. and the conversation between the 2 gay men can really be like between a chicken and a duck! i had the most interesting experience with my bee bee today.

just when we were about to alight the mrt at the city hall station, my bee bee commented that the girl was very pretty and that perhaps she could be a model... i agreed, adding that yup, she's really pretty and i was also very sure a lot of straight men would admire her very well-endowed boobs. looking confused, he asked - since when she has big boobs!? and i went on about how low cut her blouse was (i could almost see her bra) la dee da... and it took us a while to realize that we were both talking about 2 different women!

we never have such miscommunications when we talk about guys!

walk & walk & walk... nice!

been a terribly tiring but wonderfully fulfilling day! visited pulau ubin in the morning and in the afternoon decided to take public transport... decided to have a no-agenda afternoon, just aimless walking and window shopping like one would when he goes on a tour.

so, we took the bus/mrt and alighted at city hall... not knowing wat to do, we ended up drinking coffee and hot chocolate at sticky rice (the hot chocolate tasted more like cocoa-flavoured water!)... aimlessly we watched the world walked by us and eventually we decided that we will walk around exploring singapore's shopping areas (what else right?!) and we walked and walked and walked...

first, we walked to arab street (yes, walk!) to shop for my costume for my coming d&d next month :-) but ended up not getting anything, took the mrt to somerset, walked around centerpoint, walked our way to lido (along the way, shop)... had a quick dinner and then walked to borders, browse around, walked around wheelock place, made our way all the way down orchard road and finally ended up in raffles city again!

walked a total of close to 8hrs! i am now dead beat!

granite island

really, how many of us actually know that in malay, granite island translates to pulau ubin... well, visited the island today with my bee bee and was surprised by the amount of changes! ok, ok, to be fair, the last time i visited the place was in 1990 as part of my botany class to map out the vegetation of the island and changes are therefore to be expected. but oh my gawd!!! it's been 17 years! the ubin i knew and had visited on many of my younger year's weekends had active granite quarries, curfew timings due to explosions (in the quarries), kampongs teaming with activities, etc!

today, altho things are still rustic, i cannot help but feel that things in the island have changed tremendously! there are signs of modernity as shown in the nparks signboards, the hsbc conservation center, the many huts, sign-postings, etc etc... and the main trunk roads have actually been widen and tarred! and kid me not, i actually see bangla workers sweeping (ok, ok, using the air leave blowers) the roads clean! can you imagine that?! banglas cleaning leaves off nature trails! unique singaporely lor! but sadly, i do notice the demise of the kampong folks and the kampong lifestyle... those who remained are in their golden years and perhaps will leave the island (read - this world) in a couple of years. nonetheless, we were greeted by chinese wayang, altars for the seventh month celebration/ prayers, etc.

it was fun cycling around but to me, i would say our greatest takeaway was the sighting and hearing the cackling of the oriental pied hornbill, watching the pink crested pigeon pick berries from the tree, watching a monitor lizard run across our path and hearing crowing of the red jungle fowl (that is the nice term, i call it the jungle cock)!

not a bad trip after all :-)

image downloaded from http://www.answers.com/topic/pulau-ubin

talking abt death

i would frequently talk about death with my parents. not that i have ill-intentions. just wanted to make this topic less taboo and perhaps easier for us all to accept it when one of the family members (them, myself, etc) move on. be it naturally, or in an accident. also, it will help clarify how things are to be done when they leave us.

just a moment ago, my dad told me that he felt bored staying at home would like to go out for a walk/ bus-ride. but he lamented that being old, his certainly feels tired and lacks the energy to `run around'. then he joked with me that perhaps i should buy him a car to drive around. of course, i responded that it is totally not safe for him at this age to drive. and mentioned jokingly that very soon, i will be buying him paper cars instead.

well, i know it sounds kinda weird to many of you who are reading this now. but between me and my dad, this is the kind of conversation that occur from time to time. we do not see it as morbid. it's just that we have come to this level of comfort where we can joke about our eventual demise. we both agree that we are all in a queue to heaven (or hell) and that we will reach the gate some time or other, depending on the packing order. and being very attached to sapphie, he would frequently lament that sapphie will be one of the first to reach the gate compared to most of us.

anyway, he replied that he does not need paper cars, considering that nowadays paper cars are also expensive. and he added that if i intend to get him paper cars, might as well get him paper air planes. the boeing 747-type.

this makes my dad so special to me :-)

mooncakes again!

bought the raffles hotel champaign truffle mooncakes this morning. very naturally, as in previous years, i got james and his family 3 boxes. well, i guess some habits are so hard to change. or, no, perhaps it is not hard to change, but a refusal to change.

it is also perhaps a reflection of how i am clinging on to whatever little strand of hope i have left to keep the bonds, considering that with time, things that we did together, stories we started reading together, shows/ sequels we watched together, etc come to a closure one by one. the harry porter stories has finally ended. soon enough, the movie will also complete it's run, asian boys has closed with the recent show called `happy endings' and so on... and for that matter, a few years from now, sapphie will leave this world for her doggie paradise :-(

maybe, i think too much, maybe i should just enjoy and appreciate the present.

lao hiau?

on friday, having some spare time to kill after my medical and before my meeting starts, i decided to go for a facial. and after the hour-long treatment, i walked out of the place and committed myself to a S$2k package (of 8 treatments) for lightening, smoothening, lifting treatment... !!!

a lady friend of mine said tongue-in-cheek that perhaps i was too rich but she was glad that i had decided to pamper myself after so long. according to her, she would not have spent such an amount on her face! but she admitted that she had spend something close to that amount on her hair...

my only reason why we spend on such stuff is because we are trying to fight aging... or is this a woman and a gay thing? :-)

aesthetics

was at kinokuniya bugis earlier and i overheard 2 gay undergrads talking (no, not eavesdropping, it's hard not to hear what they were saying when one of them was talking like as tho he had earphones blasting in his ears!). anyway, he was browsing a book on mind-mapping and he told his friend - "aiyoh! i was supposed to do mind-mapping for my module and terrible leh, i find myself spending almost all the time focusing on the aesthetics of the mind-map instead of the map itself!"

now, why am i not surprised? :-) almost went up to him and tell him that it's the same for me!

neil gaiman

i bought 2 neil gaiman books just now... interworld (where he co-authored with michael reaves) & m is for magic. the first book talks about this boy is able to walk between 2 worlds - one of science and one of magic and chronicles his battles with the evils of both worlds. the second comprises 13 short interesting stories. just looking at the intro of both books tell me i am gonna enjoy both of them tremendously. as much as i did his earlier work titled anansi boys. looking forward to reading them!!!

hairspray

it's such a feel-good show! so sassy! so colourful! so energetic! the only problem is no matter how hard i tried, i just cannot not think of john travolta as a man! and therefore, it feels kinda funny to have this huge wo-man prancing away with the make up/ rubber so thick it seemed to bounce to a rhythm of it's own, ok, ok... half a second late. but i must say, the movie was most entertaining and years from now, we'll probably be talking abt it like we do grease now... and oh, kudos to nikki blonsky for her superb performance! zac efron is so cute! can die! and yes, queen latifah was sooooo good! i can see myself in her song! & her singing stole the show if you ask me :-)

(image of nikki blonsky from of http://movies.go.com/)

'cuse me?

today is the start of my medical check-up and will be undergoing a series of tests in the next couple of weeks. i went through the audiometry test today. i was told after the test that the hearing in my left ear has deteriorated somewhat since my last test 5 yrs back and that i have lost the ability to hear high pitch sounds.

been asked to consider seeing a specialist to diagnose the reasons behind it.

another sign of getting old?

short-changed at work

when i arrived at work today, i bumped into one of my colleagues while waiting for the lift. he looked listless and did not hesitate to tell me that he felt terribly bored and was not in the best state of mind to work. somehow, something is not right, just do not feel like getting up of bed to come to work, somehow, the fire is not there these couple of days. no, no, not that he is not motivated or passionate about our profession (altho for me, my passion for my organisation died a sudden death since may 2005). it is just one of those periods where he felt lethargic.

interestingly, i felt the same way too. and i could sense this same feeling in most of my other colleagues. perhaps it is cos we are coming to the tail-end of the course we are managing and that all of us are feeling somewhat burnt out... and, at this point in time, while pre-occupied with course reports, results compilation, etc, we are also caught in an unhealthy state of having to manage an on-going online course, administering another concurrent course conducted by our education partners in engring faculty (nus) as well as reviewing next year's curriculum. it's really very tiring.

current realities. current tensions.

on a larger context, i really think we are short-changing ourselves. two years ago, we reviewed and restructured our courses and curriculum and then rationalised that with these new courses and more focused curricula, we can start to relook at how our set-up can be better streamlined. and, as part of the overall rightsizing masterplan, we restructured. we collapsed our curriculum development component and integrate it as part of the duties of instructional staff, centralised all our admin, hr and logistics resources and only retained a small set-up to run some basic admin. that set-up now does almost everything under the sun (very apt that we called it the `one-stop center' - and yes, everything stops there!). then, before the dust have even settled and processes fully smoothened out, this year, higher management wants us to re-look at how we can extend our courses and take back some of the areas that was previously taken away... except that now, with lesser manpower and a set of overloaded instructional staff...

crazy!

writing abt my life

i took a step back two days ago and looked at how i had organized my blog and what i have posted since 2005 and realised that it was really messy. there is no way i myself can follow my reflections when the number of postings increases... i decided that i should do something about it.

so i started creating in the right column page elements such as milestones, memorable songs, etc and as i started updating my links, i found many areas missing in my blog... realized that my blog has been overwhelmed by snapshots (perhaps too many) about relationships and some other rather useless reflections. and as i thought about it, i was overcome by a sense of urgency to want to write as much as i can about my life. that i want to capture my life stories, my past, my history... as i continue to reflect and write about the present.

and i started writing. and as i write, i realized that there are many gaps and i started asking my mum/ dad about the pass, about my birth, about things beyond my time... and before i know it, i started researching in the net about my history, this led to finding out more abt singapore's history, and so on and so on...

it is so exciting! i think i will probably be busy over the next couple of weeks writing and updating as much as i possibly can about my life!

wish me luck!

mungkin nanti

this is one of my favourite indonesian song by peter pan... i like this song cos it is so melodious and easy to follow :-) well, you may ask - does it reflect how i feel about james right now? well, maybe; maybe not. there is a second more hyped-up version in sha's blog, but i prefer the original version as posted here.

sahajaku berkata mungkin yang terakhir kalinya 

sudahlah lepaskan semua ku yakin inilah waktunya 

mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi 

mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi 

reff: 

dan mungkin bila nanti kita kan bertemu lagi 

satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali 

rasa yang kutinggal mati 

seperti hari kemarin saat semua di sini 

dan bila hatimu termenung bangun dari mimpi-mimpimu 

membuka hatimu yang dulu cerita saat bersamaku 

mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi 

mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi 

bridge: 

tak usah kau tanyakan lagi simpan untukmu sendiri 

semua sesal yang kau cari semua rasa yang kau beri

maybe one day  

this is the time for me to say,  

maybe for one last time let it all go,  

i'm sure this is the time 

maybe you're no longer who you used to be 

maybe that feeling has departed and 

maybe if one day we met again one thing i ask of you, 

please don't question me again about the feeling i left behind like yesterday, 

when everything is still here and if your heart is day dreaming, 

awake from your dreams re-open your heart, 

the stories of when you're with me 

maybe you're no longer who you used to be 

maybe that feeling has departed and 

maybe if one day we met again one thing i ask of you, 

please don't question me again about the feeling i left behind like yesterday, 

when everything is still here there is no need for you to ask again, 

keep it all to yourself all the guilt you're looking for, 

all the feeling you have given

~ english translation provided by sha

birthdays

suddenly, i found myself flooded with birthdays. let's see...

• 16th aug - my niece
• 18th aug - my 1st sis
• 19th aug - kenneth my friend from fridae
• 20th aug - my 2nd sis
• 20th aug - jeremy my old friend (and my tee)
• 21th aug - my dear friend steve who's attracting a lot of gaymen!
• 24th aug - derek my friend who's now in banking
• 30th aug - chris my dear (str8) friend who's recently found new love :-)

happy birthday to one and all!

:-)

back to reality

after 2 weeks of overseas (work trip), it is time to get back to college routine again... so sianz... and my new semester starts this week too... my 8th module...

my kindergarten

i started my formal education in 1971 in a pap (people's action party) kindergarten in circuit road. becos pap kindergarten were so common and widespread at that time, the acronym `pap' became associated with kindergarten. so it was common then (less so these days) for people to ask "did you attend pap?" or for my parents to say that they "send me to pap at circuit road".

i was one of those very lucky kid to be able to attend 2 years of kindergarten education. my school was located at a void deck in circuit road and it was an half an hour walk from my kampong. daily, my mum would walk me to school and fetch me again after school. whenever she cannot make it, she would ask chew sim to fetch me instead. i always enjoyed walking home with chew sim because she would tell me stories as we walked. i remembered once when she would explain to me about shadows using her shadow that was casted onto the ground by the hot afternoon sun. frequently she would also piggyback me home whenever i get tired walking :-)

once, my mum overslept and forgot to ask chew sim to pick me and i ended up being left alone in school. in the end, i walked home myself and that incident was somewhat blown out of proportion when i got home! anyway, i remembered everyone was saying how clever i was, a 5yr-old and i already knew how to navigate home alone through the concrete jungle and semi-forested areas (it's a weird feeling for while i was writing this, i could almost smell my kindergarten classroom again!).

after 2 years in kindergarten, i enrolled into playfair school in 1973.

as a kampong boy

i grew up in a kampong and moved to the hdb flat in the mid 70s.

life in the kampong was very simple and carefree. the games i played revolved around catching houseflies, catching fishes from the drains/ streams, catching butterflies (tiger butterflies was a common sight in my kampong), etc. otherwise, my opportunities to interact and play with other kids in my kampong was minimal. my mum would forbid me from playing with michael (my neighbour) for fear of getting bad influence from him. at the same time, i was not allowed to play layang (kites) for she was afraid that i would be knocked down by cars. i was also not allowed to play goli (marbles) as we were poor and did not have the money to buy them...

so in the end, the main `games' i could engage in was playing with wooden pieces that was cut into different shapes and piecing them as far as my creativity allowed me into different animals, etc. a couple of other activities that i found fun include drawing and using my pencil to shade those pieces of paper that had blank tv screens printed on it; and as we shade, scenes of tv shows would appear in the screens. also, i enjoyed drawing dresses and tuxedos and cutting them out to tagged onto pictures of boys and girls. dressing them up in these paper-make-believe fashion wear allowed me to imagine all sort of creative clothing. it was so fun. i guess these activities provided me the foundation for my creativity in the years to come. i would also play traditional games such as kuti kuti, congkat & five stones.

my family was poor. my dad's monthly salary as a driver in sats catering was about S$150 a month. he would work shifts and on weekends he would double up as a taxi driver to supplement his meagre salary. as such i hardly see my dad. to make up for the lack of time together, he would bring me along when he drives the taxi and would hide me below the taxi seats so that potential taxi passengers do not mistake his taxi for being taken. it was through these trips that i get to travel around singapore (altho i could hardly recall much of what i saw) :-) anyway, taxi fares were cheap those days. the boarding fare was 60cents only and illegal taxis were so rampant too.

despite being poor, my mum made sure we were not hungry. she would make sure that we are well nourished. fruits to us were discarded apples and oranges being sold at the paya lebar market for 10cents a basket. those days the market was nothing more than vegetable farmers and errand hawkers who would hawk their stuff in small rattan baskets by the side of the road. as part of my growing up years, my mum would make sure that i receive all the training possible so that i can be independent when i grow up. it was with this intent that she would wake me up at 6am to accompany her to the market, teach me how to select fish, pick good fruits and vegetables. after marketing, she would teach me how dice, cut, etc the grocery before cooking them. as such by the time i was in pri 5, i was already cooking daily meals for my family.

as a boy, my mum was very strict with me. she was impartial. all my siblings had the same treatment. she would cane us for every little mistakes. and to top it off, she would cane us and at the same time demand that we stop crying... not easy.