Yum Seng!

I’m not supposed to be drinking alcohol. Then again, I’ve decided to reward myself with one can of beer today. I’ve been working hard physically and I’ve ended the day with a relatively high calorie deficit! So, why not, right? 

I used to drink strong beers such as Tiger, Carlsberg, Corona, 1664, Budweiser, etc but over the last couple of years, I have switched to Chinese beer such as Tsingtao or Snow. They are lighter and smoother, and go perfectly well with north-eastern Chinese food such as skewered meat (yums!). Anyway, a dear friend visited me 2-3 months back and brought along 2 cans of Carlsberg Special Brew. Downed one during the visit and have kept one in the fridge since. Totally love it!

So yeah, cheers!

Merry Christmas

It’s so nice and warm to receive a traditional Christmas card from an ex-neighbour turned family friend. Such a lovely gesture, one that is deeply appreciated!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Ps: ever noticed how our greetings to people closest or most familiar to us, eg family, is always shorter than those we send to people who are further away, eg. colleagues and bosses? Right?

Balcony Visitors

Lately, I’ve had quite a few visitors to my balcony daily! They include mynahs, spotted doves, sunbirds, sparrows and even the Asian koels. It’s really nice to see them visiting and perching on my balcony. And of course, the mynahs are comfortable enough to even come into the house and step all over my meditation mat! 

I also noted that swallows tend to stay a bit further away and perch themselves on my neighbour’s window ledge instead. Other than that, there were the infrequent dragonflies, bees, butterflies, and not to mention the perennial pests such as ants, houseflies, moths, wasps and even mosquitoes. Thankfully, the pests only visit me once in a blue moon…

:-)

ps: Can you spot the spotted dove in the photo above?

Covid-19 Jab

I’ve just had my Covid-19 vaccination.

It’s my eighth dose. I’ve diligently gone for my free annual jabs as recommended by the health ministry given my medical history. Thus far, I’ve consistently taken the Moderna vaccine but this time round, I decided to just go to the nearest polyclinic where the Pfizer-BioNTech/ Comirnaty (mRNA) vaccine is administered.

The whole process was very fast and efficient and the nurse was superbly professional about it. After checking my details and chatting with me about my medical history, medications etc, she gave me the jab and asked that I rest for 15min before I leave. She’s such a nice warm person and the jab was next to painless!

From registration to completion of observation, it was all done within half an hour from my arrival!

Food distribution

I signed up as a volunteer to distribute food to the needy yesterday. It was done as part of the Christmas festivities to distribute some chocolates, cakes, and sweets to residents. It was indeed an eye-opening experience for me, seeing with my very own eyes people from the lower rungs of the society who live in rental flats and who needed that extra help with their daily life. 

It was very nice that the mayor herself turned up to thank us. She also introduced her teams from the family assistance organisations, community centre, resident committees, etc to us. I was surprised and gratified to know of the many activities and initiatives these set-ups organise regularly for these residents. Admittedly, I do quietly wonder if some of these residents end up becoming over-reliant on these aids.

I think too much.

Terms of 2025

Words that I learned in 2025:

• UFO
• landing
• protected persons
• yard
• baba
• pending
• cluster
• tag
• day room
• UT
• KS
• holding 
• catamite
• muster

There are more but these were the key ones for me...

59

I turn 59 today. 

It feels kind of weird even saying that, because I’ve been telling people I’m 59 since the start of the year. In fact, there have been many times when I’ve simply said I’m 60. Some people consider an age ending with “9” inauspicious as it symbolises an ending. They prefer to round it up to the next decade to represent an auspicious beginning. So technically, using the rounding up method, I was already 60 last year by Chinese calendar age, and 60 this year by Gregorian calendar age. Thus, I’ll turn 60 next year with the “Hey, I’ve already been 60 for two years” frame of mind!  

And in a (gay) community that celebrates youth and looks above almost everything else, it can be quite amusing. When I tell people I’m 60, the usual response - after seeing my face pic is, “Wow, you don’t look your age at all! You look so young!” In contrast, when I say I’m in my 50s, I sometimes get an immediate block - presumably a “WTF, you look so old and fugly” judgement. Everything is relative, right? And tbh, I’ve largely gone beyond feeling upset when I get blocked. Everyone has their preferences. I get that. 

Anyway, today will be a very simple affair. My sister is treating me to dinner tonight. A few friends are celebrating my birthday in their own little (but very much appreciated) ways - dropping by with a cake, sending me a couple of cake slices, buying me lunch, and the likes. I’ve also been receiving birthday wishes from quite a few friends, including some unexpected ones, and I’m truly appreciative of their kindness and thoughtfulness. 

So… happy 60th birthday to me! 

;-)

Walking in the Rain

I went for my routine walk after lunch today.

The sky was dark and cloudy and it started drizzling halfway through my walk. I didn’t run for shelter and just continued walking. I even took off my singlet and let the rain fall directly onto my body. It felt good. It felt liberating. And the nice cool weather just added to the overall feel. Dec & Jan have always been the best months of the year for me despite the frequent rain that can get very heavy sometimes. The weather during these 2 months can drop to 22/ 23C daily. And it feels really pleasant, even if it rains.

I came home totally drenched, but it was such a lovely walk!

:-)

My (ex-) Tenant

I probably missed this amidst my preoccupations with life over the past few months.

My tenant moved out on 25 August at the end of his tenancy contract. As I was away, my second sister settled his out-processing and cleaned his room after he left. He had had the entire flat to himself since 23 June when I went away. Thankfully, he did not mess up the place too badly nor invite guests over (based on my condominium’s visitor records).

This tenant had some rather odd habits and was not particularly neat or clean when it came to washing the toilets, cleaning up after cooking, and after his meals. I often had to catch up on the cleaning whenever he was away. As expected, during my absence, he left quite a bit of stains and considerable cleaning of the kitchen stove was required.

Looking back, it was interesting how I had initially wanted to avoid PRC tenants due to differences in social habits, yet I ended up having one as my tenant. However, after my initial interactions with him, I realized he was somewhat different. Although he is from China, he was quite explicit about not wanting to associate himself with anything related to China. He had also lived outside China for most of the past decade and only returned to visit his family during Chinese New Year.

I suspect he comes from a wealthy family, as he regularly wires money from Australia and orders food delivery almost daily, with each meal costing him about $15 - 20. And despite not working, he travels overseas frequently, including holidays to Malaysia, New Zealand, and elsewhere. But credit to him, he doesn’t brag about his money and most importantly, he pays his rent on time!

With his departure, I have lost my monthly passive income. My sister has asked whether I would like her to source for new tenants, but I have told her to give me some time, as I would like to enjoy my privacy for now.

Traditional Teochew Pastries

I’ve always enjoyed traditional pastries, especially those Teochew ones. Then again, I’ve always like sweet stuff. Ok, back to Teochew pastries… Years ago, we can find them at every housing estates but these days, the shops have dwindled to just a few. It is unsurprising, given the popularity of more varied and trendy international fares these days.

And so, whenever I visit Chinatown, I will make it a point to buy the tau sar piah (mung bean pastry) from Poh Guan. Their mung bean filling is fragrant, moist and not too sweet. And when I feel indulgent, I will also get the la piah - a larger version of the tau sar piah and traditionally given as gifts during happy occasions, eg weddings, in the old days.

Let’s hope this stall continue to operate for a long time to come! It will be so sad if this stall stop operations, just like how many had disappeared over the years.

Ps: I bought 4 pieces of la piah today and look at their beautiful box! So retro too! 

Being Cruel to be Kind

Sometimes one has to be cruel to be kind. 

I’m at the point where I probably need to give someone the cold-turkey treatment. I got to know him couple of months ago and he has a big crush on me. Since the start, I’ve put it very clearly and explicitly to him that I’m not interested in any relationship. After an initial emotional swing on his part, things seemed to settle for a while.

I assumed he had accepted it and continued the friendship, often supporting him as he navigated life. But his actions, time and again, suggest he’s still not over me. Often, our conversations would end up very tense and difficult. He’d nitpick things I’ve said, takes them out of context, and makes accusations. It’s superbly exhausting. And now he’s edging into emotional blackmail.

I think I’ll have to cut contact for some time, much as I dislike doing so. But at this point, it feels like the only way for him to regain his footing - and, more importantly, for me to have some peace.

Sigh…

post-note: after reflecting, perhaps a better way to phrase the title would be "Being compassionate for longer term good". It better reflects the good intentions behind the action.

My Aging Layer

At 58, going 59, I am considered one of the youngest in my generation. Many of my cousins are in their 60s and a small number of them are already in their 70s or 80s. And these 2 months were especially significant to my family as both my brothers-in-law marked their 70th birthday - my eldest sister’s husband celebrated his birthday last month and my second sister’s husband today.

Time flies indeed… I could still remember vividly how they were first introduced to the family back in the 80s and the many life’s milestones that came to define the lives of both my eldest and second sis - their respective weddings, birth of their daughters, children’s growing years, school going days, retirement, etc. It had been a long journey.

I wish them both well! 

PS: come to think of it, I’m already a grand uncle to many! 

Meat Meat Meat!

Managed to get some time out to meet an ex-colleague for a yakiniku dinner last evening!

And wow - it’s been ages since I last had proper BBQ meat. I think we easily downed more than a kilogram of food: chicken, pork, and especially beef. The wagyu cuts were amazing, melt-in-your-mouth good. 

Of course, I also loaded up on kimchi, a vegetable salad with sesame dressing and topped it all off with two huge mugs of yuzu highball. Such a satisfying meal. 

Super nice. Yumz!

2 Dec 1932

If my mum were still around, she would have celebrated her 93rd birthday yesterday. 

2 December has, and will always, make me feel warm inside, knowing that it was a special day for her and for everyone in the family - especially me. I never failed to celebrate this special day for her with a pandan kaya cake - the only cake she’d take as she abhors anything buttery!

Happy birthday Mum - wherever you are now!

:-)

image from https://bengawansolo.sg/pandan-kaya.html

Grateful

I had, and still am, going through challenging times, and my previous post had rightfully sounded negative. But as I look back, there is still much to appreciate quietly. 

For the unwavering presence of family and friends, for the trust of those I was able to support in small ways, and for the little moments that reminded me that purpose is found in the journey, not only in the destination. For the chance to cultivate compassion - for others and for myself - and for the health that allowed me to keep moving forward. These simple blessings, quietly powerful, have been steady companions throughout the year. 

Above all, we owe it to ourselves to adopt a positive and grateful perspective when the going gets rough and tough. 

:-)

Positivity

I shall write about happy & positive things this month to close the year! It is after all December - a month of festivities!

Defining Months

I previously wrote about those 5 defining days in early June. 

The effects of what happened have stretched far beyond those days, shaping the months that followed and the way I experience each moment. It was a turning point that left a deep and lasting mark on how I live my life and interact with the world - and how the world interacts with me in the foreseeable future. 

Life doesn’t always unfold as we expect, and there’s a quiet strength in learning to navigate its unexpected turns - not that I have a choice. For now, I hold this understanding close, letting it shape me in ways that are still unfolding, one day at a time. And quietly, I continue, letting each day unfold as it will, shaped by what I now carry.

Once again, I ask that no questions be asked. Let me keep this quietly within myself and among the few people I’ve chosen to share it with.

Reflecting 2025 - a Preamble

November is almost over. It’s time to pause and think about my end-of-year reflection.

2025 threw more twists and turns at me than I could control. It stretched me in ways I didn’t know were possible. It forced me to look at experiences differently, to relearn lessons I thought I had mastered, and to reconsider the relationships around me - some strengthened, some renewed, some closed. Most importantly, it nudged me to rediscover purpose and compassion. I’ve heard that in a lifetime, we face three defining challenges. Looking back, I had one in 1996, another in 2005… and perhaps 2025 is my third.

With just a month left, I’m ready to close the chapter on this year and step into 2026 with hope, clarity, and renewed optimism.

Punctuality

Being punctual is a form of respect that one should - and must - accord to the other party. Being late despite having been given a window to arrive is, to me, unacceptable.

I say this because, despite a half-hour allowance, a friend texted to say he would be late due to traffic - a reason that is difficult to accept, especially when the time buffer was generous enough to cover the entire travelling time from his home to our meeting point.

Personally, I always make it a point to arrive 10–15 minutes before the agreed time. Apart from being a sign of respect for the person I am meeting, arriving early also means feeling less stressed and showing up in the right frame of mind.

But I suppose I should not use my own norm as a yardstick for others’ behaviour.

Weight Trend

Graph showing how my weight moved over the last 3 weeks. My target is 60-62kg by year end. Should be achieveable.

Right before me!

I’ve been wanting to give away my mum’s blouses for the longest time. It has been 10 years since her passing, and I’ve never quite been able to bring myself to do it because of the deep sentimental value. 

I’ve considered donating them to the Salvation Army, temples, and so on, but given the number of blouses, transporting them would be a logistical challenge, so I never explored those options further. A friend who works at a temple suggested giving them to NGOs that support disaster victims. I decided against that, as these are good-quality blouses and probably not suitable for that purpose. 

So I ended up asking friends who have elderly family members at home, as well as friends in their mid-60s who might know elderly people who could use them. All of them eventually replied that they couldn’t accept the blouses. Then it suddenly hit me yesterday that I have a friend who volunteers at her church as part of their social outreach, and most (if not all) of the people she supports are elderly. I asked her - and she replied almost immediately that yes, she would take the blouses! 

It’s amazing how I spent so much time looking everywhere, when the right person was just beside me all along (figuratively, of course)!

Donation

2 days ago, I visited M&S Food and purchased a couple of stuff.

I paid for my merchandise at the self-checkout counter and didn’t noticed too much about how much I was charged. But something told me there was a mistake and upon checking again later, I noted that I had not been charged for 2 packets of chips…

As I was a distance away, I decided the best way to make good the short fall was to make a donation to the temple. That was the least I could do. 

:-)

Learning from Mistakes

I received a series of texts from a friend this morning. The last message said something along the lines of, “I would like to sincerely apologise to you,” and he asked if I could spare a moment for a chat.

During the call, he shared that he had made a mistake several days ago. He remembered a conversation we had a few weeks back about changing his behaviours and moving forward in life. Apparently, he slipped, hence the call. He asked if I would still consider him a friend, and whether I would judge him. He sounded genuinely remorseful.

Frankly, I was surprised he even recalled our conversation. He was someone I got to know not too long ago, and he had shared some details about his life during one of our chats. I took the opportunity then to give him some advice, and we parted ways after that. Anyway, after he apologised, I gently told him it was good that he recognised the mistake, and that he should take accountability, learn from it, and move on with life.

After we hung up, I sent him a short motivational video from Instagram. I felt he needed that little push. I wished him well.

10th Year

16 Nov marked the 10th year of my mum’s passing. Time really flies! Will be paying a visit to the columbarium to pay my respects later. 

Still missing her after all these years… 

Friends & Boundaries

Over the past half year, and in particular over the last 3 months, I’ve come to know quite a few people who, in different ways, have become rather close to me.

Among them was one who grew so close that I eventually had to gently tell him I wasn’t keen nor ready for a relationship. He became deeply emotional and we stopped talking for a while. Thankfully, he recovered from the trauma and we’re back on talking terms. And despite his repeated assurance that he now sees me as a very, very dear friend, I can’t help but wonder if a part of him still harbours hope.  

There were also a couple of others who have grown increasingly close - open, warm, and caring. Some use endearing terms when speaking to me or send regular messages to check in. One even visits me at home, brings food, fruits and little gifts; and makes it a point to buy something for me whenever he travels overseas. 

I feel deeply touched by all these gestures of care and affection. Although sometimes, it also comes with the difficult but quiet need to hold boundaries, to stay kind without being misunderstood and to care without losing clarity. The last thing I want to end up with, is hurting others inadvertently.

Of Happy Tears & Lemons

I sometimes come up with punchy lines spontaneously, and when I read them over again, I sometimes ask - how the hell did I come out with such lines. Here’s one:

It’s easier for me to cry happy tears for people than to cry sad tears for myself...

I shared this in my WhatsApp conversation with someone because we managed to help a mutual friend who has cancer get his wishes fulfilled. It meant so much to me knowing that he got what he wanted that I teared up.

As for crying sad tears, I’m not in the business of self-pity. If anything bad happens to me, I will try to see the positives, pick myself up, and move along. This reminds me of another phrase I shared with a friend recently:

Life will always give you lemons. 

When it does, make lemonade out of it - and share the joy with everyone around you!

I’ve adapted it from “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” It resonates deeply with me - turning negatives into positives and while at it, spread the love and joy!

Note: Just watched 50/50 on Netflix, feeling nice and warm!

Awkward Conversation

Met up with an old friend for lunch earlier. What might have been a nice and warm reunion turned painfully awkward. I have known this friend for over 45 years and considered him a close friend. But the conversation went awry halfway through and I had to stop him from continuing. 

I walked out of the conversation feeling deeply judged and very disturbed, something that I didn’t expect. I won’t go into details of the conversation but suffice to say that at the end of the day, I decided that it is better for him to decide how this friendship continues.

As for me, I am moving forward with the quiet resolve to keep and protect my peace.

Erotic Dream

I’ve been dreaming a lot these past few days. Some of them were just ordinary - fragments of daily life - while others were downright strange, and a few were rather erotic. Here’s one that happened two nights ago. 

I walked into a dimly lit room. The scent was thick - musky, human, alive. Two sofas faced each other: a long one on the right, big enough for a crowd, and a smaller one on the left. On the larger sofa, four to five naked bodies moved together in a blur of skin and breath. It was an intoxicating tangle - highly intense and hypnotic. I moved closer for a better look. 

As I did, hands started reaching out, groping me and furiously trying to undress me. I stepped back - I didn’t want to join in. Then I turned my eyes to the smaller sofa. There sat a young man, naked. He reached out, pulled me toward him, and started talking to me. We began kissing, but he kept on talking even as our tongues tangled. Then I felt something brush against my lips and… 

I woke up. The corner of the next pillow was brushing against my lips. I was fully aroused and disappointed by the abrupt, premature end to the dream. I tried to fall back asleep quickly, hoping to return to it, but couldn’t - much to my regret.

Books I Read (Jul - Sept)

Between July and September, I probably averaged about one book a week - that’s roughly 14 to 16 books in total. When I think about it, that’s quite a lot of reading packed into three months. Some were light and contemplative, others a little heavier, but all of them spoke to me in different ways. 

Here’s what I can recall of the list so far:

1. The Things You Can Only See When You Slow Down
2. Love For Imperfect Things
3. When Things Don’t Go Your Way
4. Tales of the Buddha’s Former Lives (Stories 51-100)
5. The Tattooist of Auschwitz
6. Man’s Search For Meaning
7. A Man Called Ove
8. The Headspace Guide to Meditation And Mindfulness
9. The Alchemist
10. The Alchemyst: Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel
11. The Alchemyst: The Magician
12. The Courage to be Disliked
13. A Man Named Dave
14. Chicken Soup for the Dog and Cat Lover’s Soul
15. Magic Hour

These are the ones I can remember for now - there were definitely more. I’ll try to add to the list as they come back to me. The themes running through it - mindfulness, meaning, courage, and the human spirit - mirrored what I was reflecting on during those months too.

Weird Dreams

I had 2 weird dreams this morning.

The setting of the first dream was that of a classroom and I was attending some course. The trainer was going through some content and preparing us for an exam. At the end of the lesson, he told us some content related to sustainability had been missed out in the notes provided but would be assessed. He then went on to answer a call on his mobile. The call went for sometime and I took the initiative to dismiss the class and he nodded his head to thank me. 

 

Before leaving the place, I decided to head to the toilet and the trainer said he needed to go too. We chatted as we walked. He asked me if I drove, and I replied I didn’t and will be taking public transport. Then I realised it was already past 1am and public transport had ceased. For a while, I thought he wanted to give me a lift… heh!

 

At the toilet, I went to the urinal and he headed to the cubicle. It was then that a few other trainers came into the toilet and chatted with him. He left quickly once he’s done without even bidding me farewell. Our conversation ended too abruptly and I was left hanging. It was raining outside. I regretted not riding my motorbike to class and had to book a grab.

The dream ended there. It was a random dream that made no sense to me. I woke up feeling a little stressed and confused due to the impending exams but quickly realised it was just a dream. It was 3:30am and I decided to head back to sleep. Then I had my second dream…

I was standing at the bus stop opposite my condo waiting for my bus. I was facing away from the road thinking about something. When I turned around, I saw my mum. She was stark naked and on all fours on the ground! I asked her why was she naked. She looked at me, got up and started to dress herself.

The dream ended there and I woke up again. 3:55am. Again, I couldn’t make sense of the dream. I decided not to sleep after that…

Weird. 

Productive Day!

Let’s see - today I managed to wash all the curtains in the house, all the cushion covers of my sofa cushions, my reclining chair cover, and my shower curtain; wiped down all the glass windows and the glass panels of my sliding door; did my laundry; and even did some gardening! And on top of that, I managed to go for a long walk and completed a good workout!

Such a productive day! I’m really such a house person!

:-)

My End-of-Life & Funeral

I started writing about it first in 2009, and updated in 2011, and 2019. Has anything changed? Not significantly - the main principles remain the same. However, I realised that I might not have clearly explained the intentions behind my thoughts. Also, Singapore now allows ashes to be scattered on land, which is more practical and less of a logistical challenge. Hence, a review at this point is timely.

End-of-Life Management (Update)

• If there comes a time when I cannot make decisions, I will let my caregiver or, if there are none, the medical professionals make the necessary decisions on my behalf.

• I do not want to be placed on any life support. If my time is up, let me go gracefully and in a most dignified manner.

• All decisions regarding my end-of-life management should be guided by the principles of keeping me comfortable, minimising pain, and letting nature take its course.

Funeral Arrangements

• My funeral should be conducted according to Buddhist rites, in keeping with my faith. This means no funeral paraphernalia typically associated with Taoist practices (e.g. joss papers, paper dolls, paper houses, etc.). It is also more economical.

• Keep it simple, low-cost, yet dignified (for example, no expensive coffin). A dignified setting will help reduce the stress of those attending the wake.

• The wake should last three days (or five days if, for instance, I pass away in the late evening and the available time for the wake gets shorten by a day). This duration is not important to me personally, but it provides time for others to grieve.

• There should be no physical memorial artefacts, such as a niche for ashes or memorial tablets in a temple. My body should be cremated, and the ashes scattered on land. It doesn’t matter if it is done at Lim Chu Kang or Mandai. This avoids the need for future maintenance by the living. I came with nothing and will leave with nothing - I only wish to leave behind memories. (Update)

• Any white gold (白金) contributions will go towards covering funeral expenses. Should there be any excess, I leave it to the funeral organiser to decide how the remainder should be used.

These points are meant to make it easier for those caring for me at the end of my life, and for those managing my post-life matters, particularly my funeral. The list has been compiled with practical intent - to keep things affordable, to facilitate decision-making for those planning my arrangements, and to support others through their grief process.

Afternote 1: Previously, I wanted certain songs to be played during my funeral. No need. I’m dead, it doesn’t matter to me. (Update)

Afternote 2: I am not being morbid. I am being very upfront and practical. It’s a responsible thing to do. 

Afternote 3: I intend to formalize these and meet a funeral planner in due course. 

Health over Vanity

The thing about losing weight over a relatively short period of time is that you end up with flabby skin all over the body - and you begin to look a little gaunt and haggard. This is made more pronounced by the fact that I’m nearing 59, and the body at this age is technically breaking down faster than it is building up. 

Just four months ago, I weighed around 73 to 74 kg. Over this period, I’ve increased my exercise intensity, been very selective with what I eat - focusing on fibre and proteins - and cut down significantly on carbohydrates. When I stepped on the scale this morning, it read 63.5 kg. That’s a loss of more than 10 kg in just four months. 

The downside? Flabby skin - on my thighs, arms, and even my face. I suppose my skin simply couldn’t tighten up as fast as my body was shedding its layer of fat. But on the bright side, I’m in perfect health now. Physically, I can do 300 push-ups without much difficulty, along with crunches and planks. My blood pressure averages around 115/75, and my pulse rate sits comfortably between 65 and 75. Recent faecal and prostate cancer marker tests showed no abnormalities, and even the number of kidney stones has gone down. 

So yes, putting vanity aside, I should really celebrate my perfect health. Then again, as much as my big head says "it’s not about how tight the skin is - it’s about how strong and well the body feels inside"; my small head whispers "aiyoh, I am no longer glam and attractive!" (not that I've ever been glam lah! haha). 

Medical Review

Did a blood test to check on prostate cancer markers and an x-ray to determine the state of my kidney stones. Result: No prostate cancer and while the kidney stones are still present, it seemed to have reduced in numbers.

The review followed the passing of blood instead of urine some 2 months back. The doctor said the bleeding was most likely due to the kidney stone scraping the ureter as it moved through the urinary system. The fact that there is a reduction in the number of stones detected in the x-ray (compared to that last year) suggested this to be the case. He gave me the option to undergo a CT scan for a more detailed look or to wait and see if any further bleeding occurs. I chose the latter.

So for now, there is no immediate follow-up nor medications needed. The next review will be in 2 years time unless there is blood discharge again.

Judging a Person

Something a friend shared which resonates deeply with me. He said:

My dad used to tell me not to judge a person’s worth by the number of connections or friends he has when he is alive. Instead, judge his worth by the number of persons who attend his funeral when he leaves the world.

This story made so much sense to me. It reinforces the point that one’s value depends on how one is able to support and help people. It also reminds me of advices like - what do you want your eulogy to sound like? How do you want to be remembered? But of cos, we don’t do all these for the sake of wanting to be remembered but to do with all our heart and belief that we want to help and support people!

L to S

I’ve lost quite a bit of weight over the past few months, and my clothes are all very loose. So I decided to head to Uniqlo to buy a round-neck t-shirt. To my surprise, I could fit into an S size easily! I honestly can’t remember the last time that happened. If I stay at this weight, I’ll probably have to get new clothes and pants. But for now, I’ll just make do with what I have - even if they’re a tad oversized.

:-)

Scammer in Grindr?

So how do you catch a PRC scammer/ catfish in Grindr? My experience has been that the profiles of these people possess some, if not all, of the following characteristics:

• the profile pictures usually looks very good, lean, toned, very healthy looking and relatively well groomed
• every single one of them is Chinese - by race and, possibly, by nationality (the PRC look, if you know what I mean)
• in their late-20s to mid-30s
• have English names - the vanilla ones such as Jack, Jimmy, David, Anton, etc and not those modern weird ones

These people will usually drop you a message in English that goes something like this - Hello, I am xxxx, I am looking for a friend or a partner. What are you looking for? or; Hello, my name is yyyy, what are you looking for? And they may even attach a facepic in their message.

And here’s the thing - once you reply them, they will start to use Chinese. Previously, I will chat with these individuals for a while and often the conversation will move to exchanging contacts, or buying gifts for me. And that is a definite red flag. I will then block them. Some of my friends will not bother to chat and instead ask them to do a video call to verify their identity, in which case they will decline.

These days, whenever I receive any message, I just take a look at their profile picture and/ or their message content, and I will straightaway delete it. I won’t even bother to reply. And hmmm, for that matter, I don’t even bother to reply anyone these days. Even if they are non PRCs.

:-)

PS: I strongly suspect my age (which I revealed) or the fact that I indicate I’m a mature person make me a scammer/ catfish magnet. You think?

Receiving is Giving

Yesterday, somebody I had been coaching and mentoring over the last decade or so, and particularly over the past two years in his career, gave me an ang pow (a red packet with cash in it - usually given to wish a person good wishes, or as a form of appreciation). He had just moved into the industry of his dreams and received a promotion. He invited me for lunch with his family and later came over to my place for a chat. That was when he presented me with the ang pow. 

I felt a little embarrassed to accept it but decided to take it graciously in the end. Objectively, it is not in my nature to accept gifts from friends, and frankly, I even feel uneasy when someone praises me for anything. I’ve learned that such behaviours could possibly be rooted in my own sense of self-worth (or the lack of it), and that I should learn to accept praise and gifts when they are due. 

And that was what I did - even as I realised the amount he gave was a highly generous one. I also rationalised that in accepting, I was actually giving him the joy of knowing he could repay me, in his own way, for the help I had offered him all these years and especially in helping him secure his new job.

So happy for him.

Grateful

It’s been a rather overwhelming past 2 weeks for me.

I have had friends visiting me almost every other day. And I’ve been kept busy with the cooking and hosting! Of cos, this also meant I’ve lotsa leftover food that continued to feed me for a couple of days after. Hahaha… But yeah, I felt really blessed to have them visiting and truly felt apologetic for having caused them concerns. Their support and care have been heartwarming and I’m sincerely touched. 

Separately, I’ve also started coaching again and I have also been confirmed for a training assignment next weekend! Glad that things are falling back to place.

Wish me luck!

:-)

Tears without Reasons

I didn’t expect to cry, but I did.

I was just listening to a chant in youtube - the Plum Village monastic version of Namo Avalokiteshvaraya. A few notes in, something inside me softened, my eyes welled up and tears began to fall. 

I couldn’t explain the emotions behind it. It wasn’t sadness. It was a kind of release - as if the chant had reached a place beyond words. Avalokiteshvara, the Bodhisattva of Compassion, or Guan Yin as commonly known, listens deeply to suffering. As I listened, I realised that this was the quality I’ve spent much of my life extending to others - in coaching, in caring, in being present. Yet, in that moment, it felt as if that same compassion was turning towards me. And that was when the tears came. They weren’t tears of pain, but of release - the kind that surface when the body finally feels safe enough to exhale. It was as though something inside whispered, “You, too, deserve to be held.” 

I didn’t realize how much I needed this. 

The tears came quietly, without reason, yet they felt right. Perhaps they were the heart’s way of saying, “I’m still here.” Sometimes, when we truly listen, the heart answers - not with words, but with tears. And perhaps, in that stillness, compassion was listening too.

Hello me…

Hello me!

It’s really lovely to get your mail! Am good. Regret not keeping contact during this period.

Had been away, and short of anything, let’s just say I went on a retreat. Had spent most of my time meditating, exercising, coaching and counseling people, and observing strict daily routines. I weigh 7-8kg lighter and look very lean now. But looks aside, I am glad to say I’m much healthier. For the first time many decades, my BMI and all health markers (sugar, BP, lipids, etc) are within healthy range! The absolute tech detox (mobile phone, social media, etc) also helped much in refreshing my mental health.

Thanks for the support. Am blessed to know you (and many many of my friends) cared and have tried to reach out to me during this period, some going to the extend of coming to my residence, calling the police, checking all hospitals, etc. I am sorry to have caused concern and can only thank you from the bottom of my heart. In the immediate months, do allow me to blog with a light touch as I need this “break” for myself. 

Hear from you again soon!

You

Hello you…

Hello you,

How have you been? You’ve been away for more than 3 months. Hope things are ok and that everything is in order. Please take care and will hear from you again when you are ready. 

Take care!

Me

Conversing in Malay

It’s been so long since I conversed in proper Malay - the spoken Malay sans any Chinese accent. It was something I could do and was comfortable with, given my mum’s Peranakan background, and I did so quite easily during my younger days, both at work and, at times, at home with my mum and my Malay neighbours.

You see, my mum was Peranakan, and her lingua franca was the Peranakan Malay language - a language that is very similar to Bahasa Melayu - the language that malays used. And similar to the Malay culture, we would eat with our hands, have sambal and spicy food as part of our normal diet, etc. During my growing-up years, mum would drill me in the Malay language, patiently teaching me the Malay terms for things around me. Till her later years, we would still converse in Hokkien with a smattering of Malay words. I’ve lost touch with it ever since mum passed on. But my familiarity with the culture and language have allowed me interact intimately with the Malay community to this day.

Two weeks ago, I was placed in an environment where people around me were almost entirely Malays. It was an interesting experience for me, as it allowed me to re-enter a world and culture that I’m very familiar with. Admittedly, I hesitated a little initially, as I had lost touch with the language, but eventually decided that the best way to integrate was to speak it. It started somewhat awkwardly, but things smoothed out with a little practice. I also made the effort to behave similarly and ate communally with everyone, using my hands. I even took it upon myself to wipe clean the floor after our meals.

 

I also made very nuanced and simple gestures - such as sharing an orange, passing packets of rice to people around me, eating only when everyone had their rice, etc. - in my efforts to assimilate. I could sense their quiet acceptance of me as “one of them” very quickly. Surprisingly, during one of their chats, one of them commented (in Malay, of course): Wahhhh, baru beberapa hari, dia sekarang boleh berbual-bual melayu sama kita… (wahhhh, it's only been a few days, he can now chat in Malay with us...). Interestingly, I also sensed them using more English when they reached out to me, and I appreciated it. These gestures told me I had been accepted by them - no further questions asked. 

And this reinforced my belief in the notion that “when in Rome, do what the Romans do”. I was glad I did - and it made the days pass so much easier.

“You want?”

Every morning, as I walk to the coffee shop at the nearby estate for breakfast, I will pass a landed property with a charming garden that’s filled with many flowering plants. One particular plant never fails to catch my eye - Wrightia antidysenterica. It is always in full bloom and I will often pause for a moment just to take in the beauty of its delicate white flowers. It’s such a simple pleasure, yet it brings a quiet joy to my morning routine. 

The owner of the house is an elderly gentleman. I’ve seen him many times, tending lovingly and painstakingly to his plants. We’ve never spoken, but over time, we’ve built a silent rapport - exchanging polite nods whenever we cross paths. This morning, I saw him again, seated on a small stool as he went about pruning his plants. And I decided to engage him…

Me: Good morning! You have really lovely plants! 

Elderly gentleman (looking up with a smile): Thank you! 

Me: I really appreciate the beauty of the flowers every time I walk by - especially the Wrightia. They’re so pretty! 

Elderly gentleman (beaming with pride): You want? 

Me (caught off guard): Ermmm… no lah. My place doesn’t get much direct sunlight, and I think this plant needs quite a lot to thrive. 

Elderly gentleman (nodding in agreement): Yeah… 

Me: Alright, see you! Thanks again! 

It was such a brief and simple exchange, yet I walked away feeling unexpectedly moved by his spontaneous offer. Truth be told, I had often wondered how I might get hold of this specific plant - and whether I should pluck (no pun intended) up the courage to ask him one day. And today, he offered it to me, just like that!

In that split second, so many thoughts rushed through my mind. While a part of me was thrilled, I also felt it wasn’t quite courteous to accept. Beyond that, I knew the plant wouldn’t do well on my balcony without sufficient sunlight. Logic kicked in - and I declined. Still, I was touched by his offer. As I walk on, I kept thinking about our exchange. 

If I had said yes, how would he have given it to me? Would he propagate it through marcotting? Or would he dig it up from the ground? That’s me and my mind spinning again. But as I reflect, I’m reminded of this: Loving something doesn’t mean I must possess it. Sometimes, the best way to love something is simply to admire it from afar - letting it bloom in the place it’s meant to be. 

And that holds true for humans too.

Trainer Effectiveness

Last weekend’s module turned out to be a real high point for me - I scored 4.9 out of 5.0 for overall trainer effectiveness! It’s a far cry from the painful 4.0 I got during my first attempt back in March - and I was told then that scoring below 4.2 consistently would put my trainer job at risk. Pressurizing, right?

Looking back, I’m truly grateful that the effort I’ve put into reviewing my content, refining my approach, and tweaking the activities has paid off. Since that first session, I’ve been averaging between 4.5 and 4.7 for all the modules I’ve conducted, and this recent score felt like a nod of recognition. 

What made this last run special was the energy and engagement from the trainees - it was infectious. I think choosing to trim the content a little and focus more on encouraging questions, interaction, and collaboration really made a difference. That said, I won’t be teaching this particular module again anytime soon, so I’d better jot down my learnings while they’re still fresh. 

In two weeks, I’ll be running another module - the very one I fumbled back in March. It’s super content-heavy and packed with complex concepts, which makes it a tough one. But I’ve improved since then, and I’m up for the challenge. Time to dive back in, review the content again, and sharpen it even further. It’s going to be tough, but honestly? I’m excited.

患难见真情

患难见真情 

... a Chinese idiom that means "the essence of a true friend will come clear during moments when you experience hardship"; or "a friend in need is a friend indeed". 

So very true.

Crying People

I’m not sure why, but over just the past week or so, I’ve had people - both men and women - come up to me and start sharing really personal stuff - not the kind of things you casually bring up. These were deep, emotional, sometimes painful stories. They’d tear up as they spoke, regardless of gender. 

“I’m a cancer patient.” 

“I feel stuck and don’t know how to move forward.” 

“I miss my son.” 

“I was unfairly dismissed by my ex-employer.” 

“I’m worried about my parents.” 

And honestly, these were some of the milder things they brought up. Their stories are heavy, and my heart goes out to them. More often than not, all I can do is listen - really listen. I'm not a counsellor, and I don’t have the answers. But I’ve learned that sometimes, what people need most is just someone to sit with them in that moment and not rush to fix anything. 

It’s not easy as often a times, the emotions can get intense. So whenever I can, I would help them gently sort through their thought, focus on what they can control and to achieve a little clarity in the middle of the chaos. And when they walk away feeling heard, comforted, or just a bit more settled than before, that means something.

Dead inside

Over the last week, I’ve met numerous people across the spectrum of society and held conversations with many of them. Through these exchanges, it struck me how dead I feel inside personally, but I also came to realise a couple of things.

Firstly, we may belong to different rungs and segments of society, but we all have similar aspirations. These usually centre around the people who matter to us and what we live for - our purpose in life and what we find meaning in. This is an area that’s badly lacking for me. Admittedly, when push comes to shove, I find myself dead inside and ready to leave this world if my time is up. Is there a positive way to see this? Maybe there is. I need to search for the answer.

Secondly, in times of crisis, everyone finds their own ways to manage their fears and insecurities. Some turn to religion. Some get chatty in an attempt to find people they can identify and connect with. Many keep to themselves as they look ahead. Regardless, we need to identify our source of support and hope. I found solace in looking inward and meditating. It kept me going.

Thirdly, the simplest things in life are always taken for granted. It can be as simple as the joy of feeling a breeze, seeing the greenness of nature, or, for that matter, the ability to hold someone’s hand. I need to appreciate what I have, be mindful of the now, and be grateful for the experience of life.

Last but not least, not everyone sees others equally as human beings, and the outcome is that respect and dignity are accorded differently to different people. That is the reality of life. Most importantly, we just have to be at peace with ourselves and not react.

For me personally, I find myself getting introspective, not because I deliberately withdrew from people, but rather, I found peace when I look inwards, empty as it was - yet, on the other hand, I naturally reach out to help people navigate their thought processes to find their own peace. It’s a very natural thing for me to do. All this despite finding myself dead inside, with no sense of purpose, and very much willing to just let go and disappear from this world. 

I need to find my learning points from this experience. 

I’m not sharing this because I want concern or advice. I just needed to put it into words. Sometimes, saying things out loud - quietly and honestly - is enough. I’d be grateful if you could just hold space for that, without feeling the need to respond/ reach out.

Defining 5 Days

8 - 13 June. Echoes of that fateful day in 2005 - only this time, it cut deeper. It made me reflect on the kind of society I live in, and what it means to belong. I’m penning this down to get it off my chest. Please don’t ask, don’t probe - just let it be.

Positivity

I think I’ve focused a little too much on negative things lately. Here are a couple of really positive things that happened and that I’m grateful for:

• Yesterday, I got a text from an ex-colleague-turned friend asking if I’m free for dinner next week. She shared that it’s her last day of work with her current employer and she wants to celebrate it. Felt really happy for her. To put things in context, this friend (let’s call her A) is a retiree and is currently working as a contract staff with a company. Her boss had not been very kind to her and she has been really unhappy at work. Despite her unhappiness, she continued working cos as a retiree, it isn’t easy to seek new employment, and she’s not ready to stop working. I’ve coached A since last year and empathized with her. Coincidentally, I found out from another friend that there was an opening in a company and I shared it with A. She expressed interest in it and I had a few conversations with her on how she might prepare herself for the interviews. But I didn’t really probe on the status of her application as I didn’t want to come across as being too intrusive. And last week, she texted me and told me she got the job! I’m so glad I was able to help her.

• I’ve been coaching this other colleague-turned-friend for over a year. Lately, he (let’s call him D) shared that he had applied for a job in a company in an industry that he’s really passionate about. I asked if he needed any support and ended up coaching him through the process. We had several conversations to prepare him for the first and second interviews, and I was elated to know he was eventually offered the job. I coached him again on how he might negotiate the offer e.g. to look at the overall package such as promotion and development opportunities, benefits, etc and not focused purely on the pay. I’m glad things turned out well for him. D has accepted the job and should be starting with the new company after serving his notice.

• I’ve been conducting training since March and so far, have delivered six or seven courses. When I first started, I fumbled with the admin and couldn’t really connect with the content. The pace of my delivery was uneven, and as a result, my evaluation took a hit. I just completed two courses last week and am really glad that I received strong evaluations for both (achieving an overall score of 4.9 out of 5 for trainer effectiveness). Comments such as “great pacing”, “trainer was able to connect well with trainees and shared additional notes beyond the content”, and “trainer was superb in his delivery and very well-executed programme, including the admin” validated my days of preparation. Very happy to know my hard work contributed to the positive learning experience of my trainees.

So yeah, the above were some of the more positive things that happened to me. I'm grateful for the opportunities to support my friends in their job search and to help my trainees learn better! The past few weeks have been draining and exhausting, and I’m off to KL for a quick weekend break!

:-)