Met up with an old friend for lunch earlier. What might have been a nice and warm reunion turned painfully awkward. I have known this friend for over 45 years and considered him a close friend. But the conversation went awry halfway through and I had to stop him from continuing.
I walked out of the conversation feeling deeply judged and very disturbed, something that I didn’t expect. I won’t go into details of the conversation but suffice to say that at the end of the day, I decided that it is better for him to decide how this friendship continues.
As for me, I am moving forward with the quiet resolve to keep and protect my peace.
I’ve been dreaming a lot these past few days. Some of them were just ordinary - fragments of daily life - while others were downright strange, and a few were rather erotic. Here’s one that happened two nights ago.
I walked into a dimly lit room. The scent was thick - musky, human, alive. Two sofas faced each other: a long one on the right, big enough for a crowd, and a smaller one on the left. On the larger sofa, four to five naked bodies moved together in a blur of skin and breath. It was an intoxicating tangle - highly intense and hypnotic. I moved closer for a better look.
As I did, hands started reaching out, groping me and furiously trying to undress me. I stepped back - I didn’t want to join in. Then I turned my eyes to the smaller sofa.
There sat a young man, naked. He reached out, pulled me toward him, and started talking to me. We began kissing, but he kept on talking even as our tongues tangled. Then I felt something brush against my lips and…
I woke up. The corner of the next pillow was brushing against my lips. I was fully aroused and disappointed by the abrupt, premature end to the dream. I tried to fall back asleep quickly, hoping to return to it, but couldn’t - much to my regret.
Between July and September, I probably averaged about one book a week - that’s roughly 14 to 16 books in total. When I think about it, that’s quite a lot of reading packed into three months. Some were light and contemplative, others a little heavier, but all of them spoke to me in different ways.
These are the ones I can remember for now - there were definitely more. I’ll try to add to the list as they come back to me. The themes running through it - mindfulness, meaning, courage, and the human spirit - mirrored what I was reflecting on during those months too.
The setting of the first dream was that of a classroom and I was attending some course. The trainer was going through some content and preparing us for an exam. At the end of the lesson, he told us some content related to sustainability had been missed out in the notes provided but would be assessed. He then went on to answer a call on his mobile. The call went for sometime and I took the initiative to dismiss the class and he nodded his head to thank me.
Before leaving the place, I decided to head to the toilet and the trainer said he needed to go too. We chatted as we walked. He asked me if I drove, and I replied I didn’t and will be taking public transport. Then I realised it was already past 1am and public transport had ceased. For a while, I thought he wanted to give me a lift… heh!
At the toilet, I went to the urinal and he headed to the cubicle. It was then that a few other trainers came into the toilet and chatted with him.He left quickly once he’s done without even bidding me farewell. Our conversation ended too abruptly and I was left hanging. It was raining outside. I regretted not riding my motorbike to class and had to book a grab.
The dream ended there. It was a random dream that made no sense to me. I woke up feeling a little stressed and confused due to the impending exams but quickly realised it was just a dream. It was 3:30am and I decided to head back to sleep. Then I had my second dream…
I was standing at the bus stop opposite my condo waiting for my bus. I was facing away from the road thinking about something. When I turned around, I saw my mum. She was stark naked and on all fours on the ground! I asked her why was she naked. She looked at me, got up and started to dress herself.
The dream ended there and I woke up again. 3:55am. Again, I couldn’t make sense of the dream. I decided not to sleep after that…
Let’s see - today I managed to wash all the curtains in the house, all the cushion covers of my sofa cushions, my reclining chair cover, and my shower curtain; wiped down all the glass windows and the glass panels of my sliding door; did my laundry; and even did some gardening! And on top of that, I managed to go for a long walk and completed a good workout!
Such a productive day! I’m really such a house person!
I started writing about it first in 2009, and updated in 2011, and 2019. Has anything changed? Not significantly - the main principles remain the same. However, I realised that I might not have clearly explained the intentions behind my thoughts. Also, Singapore now allows ashes to be scattered on land, which is more practical and less of a logistical challenge. Hence, a review at this point is timely.
End-of-Life Management (Update)
If there comes a time when I cannot make decisions, I will let my caregiver or, if there are none, the medical professionals make the necessary decisions on my behalf.
I do not want to be placed on any life support. If my time is up, let me go gracefully and in a most dignified manner.
All decisions regarding my end-of-life management should be guided by the principles of keeping me comfortable, minimising pain, and letting nature take its course.
Funeral Arrangements
My funeral should be conducted according to Buddhist rites, in keeping with my faith. This means no funeral paraphernalia typically associated with Taoist practices (e.g. joss papers, paper dolls, paper houses, etc.). It is also more economical.
Keep it simple, low-cost, yet dignified (for example, no expensive coffin). A dignified setting will help reduce the stress of those attending the wake.
The wake should last three days (or five days if, for instance, I pass away in the late evening and the available time for the wake gets shorten by a day). This duration is not important to me personally, but it provides time for others to grieve.
There should be no physical memorial artefacts, such as a niche for ashes or memorial tablets in a temple. My body should be cremated, and the ashes scattered on land. It doesn’t matter if it is done at Lim Chu Kang or Mandai. This avoids the need for future maintenance by the living. I came with nothing and will leave with nothing - I only wish to leave behind memories. (Update)
Any white gold (白金) contributions will go towards covering funeral expenses. Should there be any excess, I leave it to the funeral organiser to decide how the remainder should be used.
These points are meant to make it easier for those caring for me at the end of my life, and for those managing my post-life matters, particularly my funeral. The list has been compiled with practical intent - to keep things affordable, to facilitate decision-making for those planning my arrangements, and to support others through their grief process.
Afternote 1: Previously, I wanted certain songs to be played during my funeral. No need. I’m dead, it doesn’t matter to me. (Update)
Afternote 2: I am not being morbid. I am being very upfront and practical. It’s a responsible thing to do.
Afternote 3: I intend to formalize these and meet a funeral planner in due course.
The thing about losing weight over a relatively short period of time is that you end up with flabby skin all over the body - and you begin to look a little gaunt and haggard. This is made more pronounced by the fact that I’m nearing 59, and the body at this age is technically breaking down faster than it is building up.
Just four months ago, I weighed around 73 to 74 kg. Over this period, I’ve increased my exercise intensity, been very selective with what I eat - focusing on fibre and proteins - and cut down significantly on carbohydrates. When I stepped on the scale this morning, it read 63.5 kg. That’s a loss of more than 10 kg in just four months.
The downside? Flabby skin - on my thighs, arms, and even my face. I suppose my skin simply couldn’t tighten up as fast as my body was shedding its layer of fat. But on the bright side, I’m in perfect health now. Physically, I can do 300 push-ups without much difficulty, along with crunches and planks. My blood pressure averages around 115/75, and my pulse rate sits comfortably between 65 and 75. Recent faecal and prostate cancer marker tests showed no abnormalities, and even the number of kidney stones has gone down.
So yes, putting vanity aside, I should really celebrate my perfect health. Then again, as much as my big head says "it’s not about how tight the skin is - it’s about how strong and well the body feels inside"; my small head whispers "aiyoh, I am no longer glam and attractive!" (not that I've ever been glam lah! haha).
Did a blood test to check on prostate cancer markers and an x-ray to determine the state of my kidney stones. Result: No prostate cancer and while the kidney stones are still present, it seemed to have reduced in numbers.
The review followed the passing of blood instead of urine some 2 months back. The doctor said the bleeding was most likely due to the kidney stone scraping the ureter as it moved through the urinary system. The fact that there is a reduction in the number of stones detected in the x-ray (compared to that last year) suggested this to be the case. He gave me the option to undergo a CT scan for a more detailed look or to wait and see if any further bleeding occurs. I chose the latter.
So for now, there is no immediate follow-up nor medications needed. The next review will be in 2 years time unless there is blood discharge again.
Something a friend shared which resonates deeply with me. He said:
My dad used to tell me not to judge a person’s worth by the number of connections or friends he has when he is alive. Instead, judge his worth by the number of persons who attend his funeral when he leaves the world.
This story made so much sense to me. It reinforces the point that one’s value depends on how one is able to support and help people. It also reminds me of advices like - what do you want your eulogy to sound like? How do you want to be remembered? But of cos, we don’t do all these for the sake of wanting to be remembered but to do with all our heart and belief that we want to help and support people!
I’ve lost quite a bit of weight over the past few months, and my clothes are all very loose. So I decided to head to Uniqlo to buy a round-neck t-shirt. To my surprise, I could fit into an S size easily! I honestly can’t remember the last time that happened. If I stay at this weight, I’ll probably have to get new clothes and pants. But for now, I’ll just make do with what I have - even if they’re a tad oversized.
So how do you catch a PRC scammer/ catfish in Grindr? My experience has been that the profiles of these people possess some, if not all, of the following characteristics:
the profile pictures usually looks very good, lean, toned, very healthy looking and relatively well groomed
every single one of them is Chinese - by race and, possibly, by nationality (the PRC look, if you know what I mean)
in their late-20s to mid-30s
have English names - the vanilla ones such as Jack, Jimmy, David, Anton, etc and not those modern weird ones
These people will usually drop you a message in English that goes something like this - Hello, I am xxxx, I am looking for a friend or a partner. What are you looking for? or; Hello, my name is yyyy, what are you looking for? And they may even attach a facepic in their message.
And here’s the thing - once you reply them, they will start to use Chinese. Previously, I will chat with these individuals for a while and often the conversation will move to exchanging contacts, or buying gifts for me. And that is a definite red flag. I will then block them. Some of my friends will not bother to chat and instead ask them to do a video call to verify their identity, in which case they will decline.
These days, whenever I receive any message, I just take a look at their profile picture and/ or their message content, and I will straightaway delete it. I won’t even bother to reply. And hmmm, for that matter, I don’t even bother to reply anyone these days. Even if they are non PRCs.
:-)
PS: I strongly suspect my age (which I revealed) or the fact that I indicate I’m a mature person make me a scammer/ catfish magnet. You think?
Yesterday, somebody I had been coaching and mentoring over the last decade or so, and particularly over the past two years in his career, gave me an ang pow (a red packet with cash in it - usually given to wish a person good wishes, or as a form of appreciation). He had just moved into the industry of his dreams and received a promotion. He invited me for lunch with his family and later came over to my place for a chat. That was when he presented me with the ang pow.
I felt a little embarrassed to accept it but decided to take it graciously in the end. Objectively, it is not in my nature to accept gifts from friends, and frankly, I even feel uneasy when someone praises me for anything. I’ve learned that such behaviours could possibly be rooted in my own sense of self-worth (or the lack of it), and that I should learn to accept praise and gifts when they are due.
And that was what I did - even as I realised the amount he gave was a highly generous one. I also rationalised that in accepting, I was actually giving him the joy of knowing he could repay me, in his own way, for the help I had offered him all these years and especially in helping him secure his new job.
It’s been a rather overwhelming past 2 weeks for me.
I have had friends visiting me almost every other day. And I’ve been kept busy with the cooking and hosting! Of cos, this also meant I’ve lotsa leftover food that continued to feed me for a couple of days after. Hahaha… But yeah, I felt really blessed to have them visiting and truly felt apologetic for having caused them concerns. Their support and care have been heartwarming and I’m sincerely touched.
Separately, I’ve also started coaching again and I have also been confirmed for a training assignment next weekend! Glad that things are falling back to place.
I was just listening to a chant in youtube - the Plum Village monastic version of Namo Avalokiteshvaraya. A few notes in, something inside me softened, my eyes welled up and tears began to fall.
I couldn’t explain the emotions behind it. It wasn’t sadness. It was a kind of release - as if the chant had reached a place beyond words.
Avalokiteshvara, the Bodhisattva of Compassion, or Guan Yin as commonly known, listens deeply to suffering. As I listened, I realised that this was the quality I’ve spent much of my life extending to others - in coaching, in caring, in being present. Yet, in that moment, it felt as if that same compassion was turning towards me.
And that was when the tears came.
They weren’t tears of pain, but of release - the kind that surface when the body finally feels safe enough to exhale. It was as though something inside whispered, “You, too, deserve to be held.”
I didn’t realize how much I needed this.
The tears came quietly, without reason, yet they felt right. Perhaps they were the heart’s way of saying, “I’m still here.” Sometimes, when we truly listen, the heart answers - not with words, but with tears.
And perhaps, in that stillness, compassion was listening too.
It’s really lovely to get your mail! Am good. Regret not keeping contact during this period.
Had been away, and short of anything, let’s just say I went on a retreat. Had spent most of my time meditating, exercising, coaching and counseling people, and observing strict daily routines. I weigh 7-8kg lighter and look very lean now. But looks aside, I am glad to say I’m much healthier. For the first time many decades, my BMI and all health markers (sugar, BP, lipids, etc) are within healthy range! The absolute tech detox (mobile phone, social media, etc) also helped much in refreshing my mental health.
Thanks for the support. Am blessed to know you (and many many of my friends) cared and have tried to reach out to me during this period, some going to the extend of coming to my residence, calling the police, checking all hospitals, etc. I am sorry to have caused concern and can only thank you from the bottom of my heart. In the immediate months, do allow me to blog with a light touch as I need this “break” for myself.
How have you been? You’ve been away for more than 3 months. Hope things are ok and that everything is in order. Please take care and will hear from you again when you are ready.
It’s been so long since I conversed in proper Malay - the spoken Malay sans any Chinese accent. It was something I could do and was comfortable with, given my mum’s Peranakan background, and I did so quite easily during my younger days, both at work and, at times, at home with my mum and my Malay neighbours.
You see, my mum was Peranakan, and her lingua franca was the Peranakan Malay language - a language that is very similar to Bahasa Melayu - the language that malays used. And similar to the Malay culture, we would eat with our hands, have sambal and spicy food as part of our normal diet, etc. During my growing-up years, mum would drill me in the Malay language, patiently teaching me the Malay terms for things around me. Till her later years, we would still converse in Hokkien with a smattering of Malay words. I’ve lost touch with it ever since mum passed on. But my familiarity with the culture and language have allowed me interact intimately with the Malay community to this day.
Two weeks ago, I was placed in an environment where people around me were almost entirely Malays. It was an interesting experience for me, as it allowed me to re-enter a world and culture that I’m very familiar with. Admittedly, I hesitated a little initially, as I had lost touch with the language, but eventually decided that the best way to integrate was to speak it. It started somewhat awkwardly, but things smoothed out with a little practice. I also made the effort to behave similarly and ate communally with everyone, using my hands. I even took it upon myself to wipe clean the floor after our meals.
I also made very nuanced and simple gestures - such as sharing an orange, passing packets of rice to people around me, eating only when everyone had their rice, etc. - in my efforts to assimilate. I could sense their quiet acceptance of me as “one of them” very quickly. Surprisingly, during one of their chats, one of them commented (in Malay, of course): Wahhhh, baru beberapa hari, dia sekarang boleh berbual-bual melayu sama kita… (wahhhh, it's only been a few days, he can now chat in Malay with us...). Interestingly, I also sensed them using more English when they reached out to me, and I appreciated it. These gestures told me I had been accepted by them - no further questions asked.
And this reinforced my belief in the notion that “when in Rome, do what the Romans do”. I was glad I did - and it made the days pass so much easier.
Every morning, as I walk to the coffee shop at the nearby estate for breakfast, I will pass a landed property with a charming garden that’s filled with many flowering plants. One particular plant never fails to catch my eye - Wrightia antidysenterica. It is always in full bloom and I will often pause for a moment just to take in the beauty of its delicate white flowers. It’s such a simple pleasure, yet it brings a quiet joy to my morning routine.
The owner of the house is an elderly gentleman. I’ve seen him many times, tending lovingly and painstakingly to his plants. We’ve never spoken, but over time, we’ve built a silent rapport - exchanging polite nods whenever we cross paths.
This morning, I saw him again, seated on a small stool as he went about pruning his plants. And I decided to engage him…
Me: Good morning! You have really lovely plants!
Elderly gentleman (looking up with a smile): Thank you!
Me: I really appreciate the beauty of the flowers every time I walk by - especially the Wrightia. They’re so pretty!
Elderly gentleman (beaming with pride): You want?
Me (caught off guard): Ermmm… no lah. My place doesn’t get much direct sunlight, and I think this plant needs quite a lot to thrive.
Elderly gentleman (nodding in agreement): Yeah…
Me: Alright, see you! Thanks again!
It was such a brief and simple exchange, yet I walked away feeling unexpectedly moved by his spontaneous offer.
Truth be told, I had often wondered how I might get hold of this specific plant - and whether I should pluck (no pun intended) up the courage to ask him one day. And today, he offered it to me, just like that!
In that split second, so many thoughts rushed through my mind. While a part of me was thrilled, I also felt it wasn’t quite courteous to accept. Beyond that, I knew the plant wouldn’t do well on my balcony without sufficient sunlight. Logic kicked in - and I declined.
Still, I was touched by his offer. As I walk on, I kept thinking about our exchange.
If I had said yes, how would he have given it to me? Would he propagate it through marcotting? Or would he dig it up from the ground? That’s me and my mind spinning again.
But as I reflect, I’m reminded of this:
Loving something doesn’t mean I must possess it. Sometimes, the best way to love something is simply to admire it from afar - letting it bloom in the place it’s meant to be.
Last weekend’s module turned out to be a real high point for me - I scored 4.9 out of 5.0 for overall trainer effectiveness! It’s a far cry from the painful 4.0 I got during my first attempt back in March - and I was told then that scoring below 4.2 consistently would put my trainer job at risk. Pressurizing, right?
Looking back, I’m truly grateful that the effort I’ve put into reviewing my content, refining my approach, and tweaking the activities has paid off. Since that first session, I’ve been averaging between 4.5 and 4.7 for all the modules I’ve conducted, and this recent score felt like a nod of recognition.
What made this last run special was the energy and engagement from the trainees - it was infectious. I think choosing to trim the content a little and focus more on encouraging questions, interaction, and collaboration really made a difference. That said, I won’t be teaching this particular module again anytime soon, so I’d better jot down my learnings while they’re still fresh.
In two weeks, I’ll be running another module - the very one I fumbled back in March. It’s super content-heavy and packed with complex concepts, which makes it a tough one. But I’ve improved since then, and I’m up for the challenge. Time to dive back in, review the content again, and sharpen it even further. It’s going to be tough, but honestly? I’m excited.
... a Chinese idiom that means "the essence of a true friend will come clear during moments when you experience hardship"; or "a friend in need is a friend indeed".
I’m not sure why, but over just the past week or so, I’ve had people - both men and women - come up to me and start sharing really personal stuff - not the kind of things you casually bring up. These were deep, emotional, sometimes painful stories.
They’d tear up as they spoke, regardless of gender.
“I’m a cancer patient.”
“I feel stuck and don’t know how to move forward.”
“I miss my son.”
“I was unfairly dismissed by my ex-employer.”
“I’m worried about my parents.”
And honestly, these were some of the milder things they brought up. Their stories are heavy, and my heart goes out to them. More often than not, all I can do is listen - really listen. I'm not a counsellor, and I don’t have the answers. But I’ve learned that sometimes, what people need most is just someone to sit with them in that moment and not rush to fix anything.
It’s not easy as often a times, the emotions can get intense. So whenever I can, I would help them gently sort through their thought, focus on what they can control and to achieve a little clarity in the middle of the chaos. And when they walk away feeling heard, comforted, or just a bit more settled than before, that means something.
Over the last week, I’ve met numerous people across the spectrum of society and held conversations with many of them. Through these exchanges, it struck me how dead I feel inside personally, but I also came to realise a couple of things.
Firstly, we may belong to different rungs and segments of society, but we all have similar aspirations. These usually centre around the people who matter to us and what we live for - our purpose in life and what we find meaning in. This is an area that’s badly lacking for me. Admittedly, when push comes to shove, I find myself dead inside and ready to leave this world if my time is up. Is there a positive way to see this? Maybe there is. I need to search for the answer.
Secondly, in times of crisis, everyone finds their own ways to manage their fears and insecurities. Some turn to religion. Some get chatty in an attempt to find people they can identify and connect with. Many keep to themselves as they look ahead. Regardless, we need to identify our source of support and hope. I found solace in looking inward and meditating. It kept me going.
Thirdly, the simplest things in life are always taken for granted. It can be as simple as the joy of feeling a breeze, seeing the greenness of nature, or, for that matter, the ability to hold someone’s hand. I need to appreciate what I have, be mindful of the now, and be grateful for the experience of life.
Last but not least, not everyone sees others equally as human beings, and the outcome is that respect and dignity are accorded differently to different people. That is the reality of life. Most importantly, we just have to be at peace with ourselves and not react.
For me personally, I find myself getting introspective, not because I deliberately withdrew from people, but rather, I found peace when I look inwards, empty as it was - yet, on the other hand, I naturally reach out to help people navigate their thought processes to find their own peace. It’s a very natural thing for me to do. All this despite finding myself dead inside, with no sense of purpose, and very much willing to just let go and disappear from this world.
I need to find my learning points from this experience.
I’m not sharing this because I want concern or advice. I just needed to put it into words. Sometimes, saying things out loud - quietly and honestly - is enough. I’d be grateful if you could just hold space for that, without feeling the need to respond/ reach out.
8 - 13 June. Echoes of that fateful day in 2005 - only this time, it cut deeper. It made me reflect on the kind of society I live in, and what it means to belong. I’m penning this down to get it off my chest. Please don’t ask, don’t probe - just let it be.
I think I’ve focused a little too much on negative things lately. Here are a couple of really positive things that happened and that I’m grateful for:
Yesterday, I got a text from an ex-colleague-turned friend asking if I’m free for dinner next week. She shared that it’s her last day of work with her current employer and she wants to celebrate it. Felt really happy for her. To put things in context, this friend (let’s call her A) is a retiree and is currently working as a contract staff with a company. Her boss had not been very kind to her and she has been really unhappy at work. Despite her unhappiness, she continued working cos as a retiree, it isn’t easy to seek new employment, and she’s not ready to stop working. I’ve coached A since last year and empathized with her. Coincidentally, I found out from another friend that there was an opening in a company and I shared it with A. She expressed interest in it and I had a few conversations with her on how she might prepare herself for the interviews. But I didn’t really probe on the status of her application as I didn’t want to come across as being too intrusive. And last week, she texted me and told me she got the job! I’m so glad I was able to help her.
I’ve been coaching this other colleague-turned-friend for over a year. Lately, he (let’s call him D) shared that he had applied for a job in a company in an industry that he’s really passionate about. I asked if he needed any support and ended up coaching him through the process. We had several conversations to prepare him for the first and second interviews, and I was elated to know he was eventually offered the job. I coached him again on how he might negotiate the offer e.g. to look at the overall package such as promotion and development opportunities, benefits, etc and not focused purely on the pay. I’m glad things turned out well for him. D has accepted the job and should be starting with the new company after serving his notice.
I’ve been conducting training since March and so far, have delivered six or seven courses. When I first started, I fumbled with the admin and couldn’t really connect with the content. The pace of my delivery was uneven, and as a result, my evaluation took a hit. I just completed two courses last week and am really glad that I received strong evaluations for both (achieving an overall score of 4.9 out of 5 for trainer effectiveness). Comments such as “great pacing”, “trainer was able to connect well with trainees and shared additional notes beyond the content”, and “trainer was superb in his delivery and very well-executed programme, including the admin” validated my days of preparation. Very happy to know my hard work contributed to the positive learning experience of my trainees.
So yeah, the above were some of the more positive things that happened to me. I'm grateful for the opportunities to support my friends in their job search and to help my trainees learn better! The past few weeks have been draining and exhausting, and I’m off to KL for a quick weekend break!
Have been feeling somewhat under the weather over the past couple of weeks. You know, that kind of sick-but-not-really-sick, healthy-yet-not-quite-the-picture-of-health kind of state. Not a very comfortable place to be, I must say. It didn’t help that my mind was highly disturbed and I had insomnia most nights.
And finally, a few days ago, my body gave way and everything fell apart – terrible body aches, the sinus got badly choked, the parching feel in the sinus roof at night, followed very swiftly by a sore throat and congestion, then a violent cough, and since yesterday, I’ve finally lost my voice. Coughing and losing my voice is usually the start of a quick deterioration in my health whenever the flu sets in.
It was almost a repeat of what happened in early April, but this time round, I couldn’t allow it to get worse. I went to see the doctor and was prescribed a whole bunch of medications. It’s the usual flu season thing, the doctor explained, and shared that there’s been a spike in flu cases over the past two months.
It’s an unfortunate time to fall ill, as I’ve booked my tickets to KL tomorrow. But I’m not going to let this setback stop me. I’ll still go ahead with the trip – even if it means sleeping in when I’m there. And so, I shall drown myself in herbal tea today and hope for the very best. I’m sure things will be okay by tomorrow.
P.S. My back has improved a lot after visiting the sinseh, and I’m able to move about without too much trouble now. But still, I need to do so mindfully – can’t risk any further mishap until it’s fully recovered.
I twisted my back 2 weeks ago and it incapacitated me somewhat for a good few days. Today, while the pain has subsided, my back muscles continued to feel tight and uncomfortable. And these 2 days, I started experiencing rather bad pain in my left hip, particularly after my routine walks. I do suspect this is linked to the back injury; where my spine could possibly be misaligned. I probably need to pay a visit to the TCM to resolve this.
Hegseth made a huge fool of himself (and by extension of his appointment/ position, his country) when he likened Trump to LKY - a highly revered founding prime minister of Singapore. My jaw literally dropped when I read about it and I can imagine the quiet gasps amongst the audiences when he said it.
Do you do housekeeping of your contacts? I do; and there can be many reasons why. These include:
People who have gradually stopped contacting me, and with whom I see no further possibility nor value in rekindling the connection.
Acquaintances I met once or twice but no longer keep in touch with over time. I’m not shy to admit that this includes one-night stands or people I got to know through friends’ gatherings – the typical hi-bye kind of connections and that I had exchanged my number with out of courtesy.
People I haven’t contacted in a long time, and whom I don’t think I’ll ever hear from again. These people include old schoolmates or former colleagues. It just feels too laborious to keep them on the list, especially when I’ve tried reaching out before, only to find that their numbers are no longer valid.
People who have clearly decided it's better not to keep in touch and actively avoid me. There may have been misunderstandings, but I often feel it’s not worth the effort to explain myself if they’ve already made up their minds. For this group, it’s often easier not to be reminded of them.
People who are no longer around. These include people who have changed their numbers, or migrated, or for that matter, have passed on. Sadly, these contacts include my late parents, as well as a couple of relatives and friends.
People I really care about but who seem not ready or are struggling with their own issues. In such cases, I delete their contact details to prevent myself from reaching out. I see this "cold turkey" approach as a way to respect their need for space, despite how much I may care for them.
Among all these categories, I must say the last group brings me the most heartache. It’s hard on me to take such a drastic step, but I believe that if things are meant to be, they will eventually get hold of themselves and reach out again.
It’s because of this regular “housekeeping” that my contact list remains relatively small. I don’t make a good insurance agent, do I?
I see even more varieties of hibiscus around my area this morning. So glad that I can finally snap a picture of the sea hibiscus (bottom row right 3 pictures) - especially when it is so hard to get them to flower at my eye level! And with this latest, I should have posted every single variety of hibiscus around my area!
It's amazing how one's mood can swing from general happiness to that of absolute blahhhness all of a sudden. But that's what happened to me over the last 24 hours. I need time to process what happened, my thoughts and emotions.
For now, I just want to sleep and keep to myself.
ps: It is during such moments that I need to be cajoled, to be sayang-ed, and to be engaged. Then again, it's just wishful thinking on my part.
Recently, I was chatting with a friend and the phrase “seeing the light at end of the tunnel” came up. I couldn’t recall the context around why this phrase came up but I said - at my age, I can see the light at the end of my tunnel. And the light is the fire of the incinerator when my body is being cremated.
Another picture of the various types of hibiscus found around my area. Glad to be able to capture a few that were not flowering the last time I went around.
If there’s one thing that gives me a lot of satisfaction and joy, it’s helping people and seeing them achieve the outcomes they want.
In the area of coaching, I’ve been supporting my peers for over a year - doing peer coaching to help them accumulate coaching hours, revising theories and exam questions with them to support their exam preparation, and more. It’s very satisfying to see them progress in their coaching. And this week, one of them achieved her coaching credential! I’m so happy for her! Looking forward to seeing a few more achieve their credentials in the next 1–2 months!
Apart from that, I’ve also been able to help quite a few transition successfully to new jobs. The process was tough, especially since a couple of them were in their 50s or older. It’s lovely to see excitement and hope being rekindled. They may be older in age, but the emotions they experience and express - apprehension, happiness, disappointment, and so on - are no different from those in their 20s!
And this is what I can say - their happiness in achieving the outcomes they want fuels my motivation to help and support others!
I was in a reflective (and playful) mood today and I posted this in ChatGPT:
“I realized I have never really received love as an equal and I have been a giver of love and affections my whole life - in all my past relationships and with my circle of friends.”
That simple sentence opened up a long, thoughtful exchange with ChatGPT about how I could manage this realisation. Of course, it’s not something that just hit me out of the blue - it’s been gradually unfolding over time. And for quite a while now, I’ve conditioned myself to accept compliments with a simple “thank you” instead of brushing them off, and have learn to receive help without feeling awkward or undeserving. These gestures may seem minor, but they feel significant to me. They’re reminders that receiving is not a weakness - and that I, too, deserve care.
But most interestingly, as I reflect on the conversation, I’m struck by how far technology has come. The fact that I can talk to an AI about something so personal - and actually feel heard - is mind-blowing. Then again, doesn’t it also say something about the my current state - I’m turning to AI for this kind of conversation? Strange times indeed.
“Knife” is one of my favourite songs from my secondary school days. I was really into it back then - it felt intense and emotional, and I would sing it like I meant every word. But funny enough, it never quite stuck with me over the years, not like how some other songs did.
For some reason, it came to mind today while I was listening to old songs on my phone, so I looked it up online. It felt nice to hear it again - and to sing along, of course. Strangely, I think this might be the first time I’ve really paid attention to the lyrics. I used to sing (or scream) this song whenever it came on the radio. And even now, I can still do it without thinking twice about the words. But honestly, I never quite took in the full extent of what the song was saying. Not until today.
Thinking back, it’s odd how the lyrics never registered before. Maybe I just wasn’t ready to hear them. Years ago, I had romanticised parts of the lyrics during my breakups (that I had initiated) - even though the song’s about being dumped - and let it mess with me in all the ways possible. But listening to it now, after actually being dumped last year, I can say this about what I went through: I felt the loss and I did grieve. But definitely not in the way the song describes. In retrospect, maybe it was never a conventional relationship to begin with.
The truth is, I did love him - but maybe not in a romantic way. Or maybe he was just there to fill a void when we started, and through the years I was simply doing what I thought was my part. And just like the song, what once felt intense in the moment didn’t quite leave a lasting mark. Well, it doesn’t matter now. Whatever it was, I never felt the kind of heartbreak this song describes.
I did things slightly differently for Vesak Day this year.
For a start, I made the trip to the monastery to collect the ticket for the 3-step-1-bow ritual and managed to complete the event before midnight. This was unlike previous years where I had to queue at 10pm and could only complete at around 3-4am. But things were not as smooth as I expected it to be. I had, at a last minute, accepted the request to conduct a weekend class and it ended around 6pm. I had not eaten properly the whole day but I needed to rush to the temple by 7pm. In the end, I started the ritual feeling hungry and thirsty. I perspired profusely through the ritual and started feeling faint halfway through.
By the time I ended, I was in no state to do the Bathing the Buddha ritual. The queue was superbly long and I needed to fix myself first before I collapse from hunger, dehydration and exhaustion. But that aside, I do also suspect my inability to complete the full ritual was due to age. The ritual of bowing every three steps over a distance of about 800m(?) to a km was an exhausting process. I started undertaking this ritual since 1990 (this year is my 35th year) to fulfil a vow I made. And in recent years, the distance that I could do the bow every 3 steps gets shorter and shorter. Nonetheless, I will continue to do this for as long as I am mobile. Let's see how long more I can go.
Wishing everyone a blessed Vesak 2025.
ps: someone posted this video in YouTube and I actually spotted myself in it! LOL!
I was on my morning walk a couple of days ago when, out of nowhere, I felt a pair of wings flap clumsily right across my face. I looked up and saw a majestic Oriental Pied Hornbill perched on a tree branch just beside me.
It was the first time I’d ever encountered a hornbill up close, so bloody close! Standing at around 45 centimetres tall, it was an impressive sight. I froze, took out my handphone, and quietly observed and video it as it picked fruits and hopped from branch to branch.
Hornbills usually travel in pairs, but this one was alone. I couldn’t help but wonder if it was a male foraging for fruits to bring back to his mate - perhaps nesting nearby.
What a beautiful, unexpected encounter. It was indeed my lucky day! Very nice!
Over the last couple of weeks, I started noticing so many beautiful hibiscus around me. I am amazed by the variety - something that I had overlooked until now. Beauty is all around us - we only need to pause and see!
So pretty!
top picture: hibiscus flowers at gardens by the bay (various varieties)
bottom picture: hibiscus flowers around my estate - Hibiscus rosa-sinensis (orange colour & orange colour with red center), H. mosheutos (white colour with red center)
In a literal direct translation, it means “plum flower luck”. It’s a Chinese phrase that means “romance luck”. I am reminded of this term cos for some reasons, there seemed to be an increased in people wanting to know me beyond that of a normal friend. Or at least that’s how I felt.
For these people, I’ve expressed this very explicitly - that I am not keen on any relationships. I even went as far as telling one of them that I will ghost him if I sense he has crossed a certain line. And despite knowing that, he continued with his messages through the day, video calling me “just to see me”… hmmm… friends don’t do that. And friends don’t wish you good night when they go to bed and wish you good morning first thing in the morning. No?
Am not jaded per se. I’m far from it. But after my last break up last year, I’ve no more interest to start another one. It’s just too tiring. There’s just too much expectations to manage and energies involved. And I do believe that being friends would perhaps be a better option in the longer term.
Election Day is Saturday and it will be Cooling Off Day tomorrow! Finally! After tonight, there will be no more speeches, rallies, etc and that means peaceful times again! After experiencing all sorts of tensions in past elections due to differing views, I’ve chosen to keep away from anything related to elections this year. And so, life has been relatively quiet and peaceful this time round!
Life has to go on, regardless of results. But I remain hopeful things will remain status quo.
I never thought I’d live to see a country go from being perceived as heaven on earth to that of a living nightmare - yet that’s exactly what’s happened over the past decade. It’s shocking and heartbreaking at the same time. And the ripple effects are felt far beyond its borders. Still, this is the reality we face, and all we can do now is hope - and act - for better days ahead.
If there’s one thing this has taught me, it’s this: good policies can come from any party, as long as they have the right brains behind them. But what really matters is the party’s values - how they choose their candidates, and how they deal with those who fall short. Put the wrong party and people in power, and the consequences can be terrible.
That’s why I’ll be voting with my eyes wide open. No need for rallies or shouting matches - just making my choice count where it matters.
It's kinda interesting to note the changes in my body stats over the last couple of years. Whether this is due to age, lifestyle, dietary habits, etc, I am not sure. Or perhaps it is a combination of all? LOL... here're what I have noticed:
Height - it used to be 1.70m for most part of my adult life, but lately, I am seeing myself registering a tat shorter than usual. At times, I measure 1.69m. Is this due to age? I don't know.
Weight - Before COVID-19, my weight went as high as 84kg. I lost about 10kg during the lock down period and I was about 74kg for a few years after that and had stayed quite constant. Lately, I started weighing myself again and I noted that it had dropped to 71kg (plus minus a bit). I could only attribute this to my dietary habits.
Waistline - It hit 36" at my peak before COVID-19. I had not measured it for a long while but I do noticed myself being able to wear my old work pants again last year. And today, while shopping for a pair of pants, I found myself fitting into a size 31"! Anyway, I decided to get a 32" to give myself some allowance for possible growth (laterally)!
It's interesting to note these changes but I can only suspect the rate of change will increase with time. Apart from these, I have also noticed physical changes such as more saggy skin around my body, my arms, my face; appearance of age-related spots on my neck, hands and body, etc. These are perhaps signs of aging that no one can avoid. And admittedly, the vain side of me did consider going for a facelift but the logical part of me told me to be real and don't waste my money over such procedures. Then again, I pride myself for looking younger than my straight peers. Oh man, for some reasons, they look so haggard and old!
I’ve received my first paycheck from the trainings I conducted in March! It’s so nice to see this being credited, especially since I have not had any income (apart from my room rental) since December 2023.
It’s not a big amount, but it’s a great relief to me, especially when what I have in my bank account would otherwise run dry in a month or two. So yes, this added income is timely and a much-needed boost. It tells me I’m heading in the right direction. Moving forward, I can expect some engagements on a monthly basis - some months more, some months less. I shall continue with this and allow things to stabilise before deciding how much more I should commit myself to for other opportunities.
Speaking of opportunities, a peer trainer recently approached me to help deliver parts of her module at a local university. I have agreed to help her, as the topic is an interesting one. I also recognise that this may open up future engagements with the university, which I am looking forward to. There are several other opportunities as well, including the possibility of starting a business. However, I will need to be selective about which ones to pursue. A key factor guiding my decision-making is to stay true to my intention of pivoting towards a career that allows me to remain mentally and socially engaged as I approach retirement. At the same time, I also want to ensure I carve out enough personal time for myself, even as I take on freelance work.
I am happy with the direction I am heading currently. Once things stabilise a little more, I can start to think about how to expand my coaching clientele. Coaching, although not my focus when it comes to generating an active income stream, keeps me engaged and I truly enjoy the conversations. Most importantly, I am motivated by the positive energy of my coachees at the end of every conversation.
This year’s Qingming (清明节) fell on 4 April. During Qingming, we would head to the cemetery to clean the graves and pay respects to our ancestors. Traditionally, it’s commemorated within 10 days before or after the actual day - but these days, most people extend it to two weeks on either side, making use of the weekends instead.
Since my parents’ passing, I’ve been doing it on my own - visiting the columbarium to pay respects to them and to my late grandparents. It’s become something of a routine for me - a quiet responsibility I’ve taken on as the eldest son, perhaps. For some reason, I just didn’t feel up to it this year. Maybe it’s because I don’t drive. Maybe it’s because I simply didn’t have the energy. But I finally made the trip today.
Woke up early this morning, head out for breakfast, and then to get all the paraphernalia for the ritual - joss sticks, joss papers (gold, silver), ancestral offering papers, sutra sheets, fruits, etc. Decided to skip the usual paper trunks - one each for my mum, dad, grandmother and grandfather - as it would’ve been impossible for me to carry. The journey to the columbarium by public transport alone took me almost two hours, not counting the nearly 1.5km walk to the actual location in the hot afternoon sun. By the time I made my way back to the east, almost six hours had passed, and I was completely exhausted.
Still, I felt good about making the trip. It’s a laborious process, but one that holds deep meaning for me. And no, I don’t like the phrase “ancestor worship”. I don’t worship them - but I honour them and pay my highest respects, for bringing me into this world and grounding me in the values that shaped who I am today. Marking Qingming brings me back to my roots, reconnects me with my past, and reminds me of all that my parents and grandparents did to help me get to where I am. And for that, I give thanks - and ask for their guidance as I move forward in life.
:-)
Ps: and while at it, I also commemorated my grandmothers’ 50th death anniversary (the actual day is next Thursday - the 27th day of the 3rd lunar month) but it would be too much for me to repeat this trip next week)!
I went to the doctor on Friday evening. Was told I had a very bad throat infection that has spread to my upper respiratory track, my sinus and my chest. I was also running a fever without realizing it. Was given quite a bit of medication, including antibiotics.
The medications worked wonders. The fever subsided, the sinus and airways cleared, and my cough stopped within 24 hours. As of now, I still have lingering backflow, congestion and cough but it should clear off within the next couple of days. Such a relief.
Reflecting, I do noticed that post-COVID, I tend to suffer more intense URTI and recovery time is a lot longer. It usually starts off with a cough and quickly deteriorate. URTI used to be a simple affair lasting no more than 3-4 days. But now, it usually stretches to 3 weeks at least.
My answers to “What language do you use when you talk to your inner self?” go like this:
“It depends on the context”
Most of the time, I use English. But when I’m praying (be it in a Buddhist or Taoist setting) or paying respects to my late ancestors, I use Hokkien. I’ve also realised that sometimes I don’t even use words - I just let my senses take things in. Like, I see colours and that’s it. Or I hear birds chirping, a car whisking by… I just take note of it, register the experience and that’s it. I might respond with a simple smile but there’s no need to verbalise it. Just knowing. No words needed.
What would go through your mind when - or if - you are near your endpoint?
I fell badly ill during my extended stay in KL. By day four, I had run out of my daily doses of blood thinner, heart regulator, and other medication. My heart began to pump hard and fast. There was a strange sensation in the left side of my chest. I was also down with a violent cough, severe sinus congestion, chest pains, and a sore throat. The pressure points around my face and neck hurt badly. At one stage, I was so unwell I couldn’t get out of bed. I suffered from intense congestion, with copious amounts of bloodied mucus and phlegm flowing non-stop.
I ordered my heart medication online, but it would take 1 - 2 days to arrive. To relieve my sinus symptoms, throat irritation and cough, I went to a local pharmacy and bought vitamin C, antihistamines, and lozenges. That was when the thought of passing on - perhaps due to a stroke or a heart attack - crossed my mind. The image that surfaced was of me, lifeless, discovered by the cleaner. Surprisingly, I wasn’t afraid. I wasn’t even worried.
No one knew I had fallen sick apart from two KL friends, a training peer, and a potential coaching client I was meant to have a conversation with. There wasn’t much point in telling others - not that they could do anything about it. I truly appreciated my KL friends who consistently checked in to ensure I was all right.
Throughout the entire episode, I kept mostly to myself. I didn’t want to bother anyone, and strangely, no one came to mind - not my siblings, not my nieces or nephew, not my friends. No one at all.
Looking back, I realise I was, in fact, ready to go, had my time been up. I had no responsibilities, no liabilities, and I owed nothing to anyone. And in an odd way, that made me feel very free.
So, to answer my own question - nothing. Just peace.
I arrived back home safe and sound on Wednesday evening feeling drained and totally exhausted. It’s been a day plus and I’m slowly but surely recovering. The sinus is still crazy and the mucus is just building up as fast as I cleared them. I am also forcing myself to move a bit to keep myself “alive”. Been doing lotsa self and training-related admin, coaching, etc. And today, I decided I want to meet up with some people that matter to me. So yeah, it’s been a nice return so far.
