mum's spiralling condition

today was a terribly bad day for me, and the maid.

mum got into emo swings and threw tantrums at almost every person she can think of throughout the day. and i am typing the post at 10-plus in the evening with her still sitting in the living room and refusing the retire. i have decided to leave her alone for now. hopefully she gets better tomorrow morning. need to rely on hope this evening although i know hope is not an option. then again, i have been reading a book of managing and dealing with dementia patients. it suggests that i learn to live with ambiguity. i.e., no expectations, any solution that works today may not work tomorrow. to this, this is almost living with hope. thing is, there is nothing i can control with regards the disease, but i can control my response. and i choose to let things be since she has taken her medications, and have my rest tonight. whatever becomes of her tomorrow, let's manage it tomorrow. 

here's what happened today that created this mess...

"ah ma"

today, my 17-month old nephew gave us a great surprise. for the first time in his life, he called out to my mum. here's the story.

i brought my mum to visit my brother this afternoon. when we arrived, he was asleep. and my mum went to the sofa and sat there. that was when i heard him cry in the room. he had woken up. in no time, his maternal grandmother carried him out of the room. and when he saw me, he broke into a super broad smile, the type of smile that would melt the heart of even the hardest person, and his hands reached out to me for me to carry him.

as he saw my mum, he pointed to her and called out "ah ma". a little unsteady and shaky in his pronunciation and sounded a little like "ah mer", but yes, it was clear that he was calling out to her". i was totally speechless! and that was it. he refused to utter the words again, despite our encouragements. in fact, he got shy about it and hid his face in my chest. so cute!

lol! 

vesak 2558

i went for my 3-step-1-bow last evening. my 25th year of doing it, if i recall it correctly. my personal commitment to observe this ritual for as long as i can physically do it following my uni graduation back in 1990/91. and every year, before i start the ritual, there would always be the apprehension about whether my back would give way. it was the same last night. then again, i told myself i would proceed with it and that my friends and people around me would be there to look out for me if it should give way. and this year was no different.

as per previous years, bee, kl, his sister and niece, and i met at close to 11pm at the temple. we proceeded to join in the queue. we did not start until about 3.15am. but the waiting time was, in my view, good. it allowed me to share with my friends more about the dharma. managed to share my views of buddhism, about the four noble truths, the eight-fold path, the samsara cycle, and so on. and the sharing also provided me the opportunity to better connect and relate buddhist concepts to modern day-to-day life and experiences. hopefully, through the sharing, they are able to better appreciate how buddhism is something that is very real, practical and contemporary.

the whole procession, that required participants to take 3 steps and prostrate once over the full distance of about 800m lasted about 2.5hrs. and as usual (as reflected in my previous vesak posts), there were these frequent distractions - other gay men, noisy aunties, people who rush through and cut queues, etc. i have come to accept these as part and parcel of such gatherings. and this year, i made the deliberate effort to ensure i do not rush. i was very aware during the whole 2.5hrs, taking 3 deliberate steps and 1 mindful prostration throughout the journey. it was good that the whole ceremony took place at night. i felt so warm and perspired so badly, especially when i was wearing my buddhist robes. we ended at close to 6am and i reached home close to 7am. 

after a couple of hour's sleep, my whole body felt like it would break apart! it reminded me of how i felt after running the army half marathon some years back. well, ok not quite that bad, perhaps mini-ahm. heh! but yes! i survived the process once again. 

i dedicate whatever merits gained to everyone and all sentient beings! may everyone find the inner peace they need, the strength to overcome whatever difficulties they face (i am reminded of some blogger friends like chinese prick, leo nut, temps, sharks, soul and jung amongst a few others), and may everyone be happy.

wishing everyone a happy vesak day.

picture from http://www.kmspks.org

the amazing spiderman 2

it was a superbly emo, superbly human spiderman. that was the impression i got when bee and i watched the show over the weekend. 

and i could understand why a friend reflected in his facebook post that he teared when he watched the show. peter parker was deeply in love but had to give up his relationship with his girlfriend becos of his superhero status. not easy huh? a case of heart vs the mind and many scenes were really intense (omg, i think almost all my post in the week passed had been full of this word "intense"). and when in such a state of relationship, there would be teary, emo moments... especially when the whole show build up to his girlfriend's eventual death...

but yeah, i kinda like this production. much better than previous ones. spiderman came across as so human, and vulnerable. and andrew garfield who played peter parker aka spiderman certainly looked very... erm... normal. that kinda "with such looks, how did he even qualify for the hollywood screen" look. and similarly, the emma stone or gwen aka spiderman's girlfriend's looks were not that hot either. then again, it could be the make-up cos they looked pretty good when you googled their images. heh heh... ok, am being shallow here, somehow we tend to expect superheroes and people associated with them to be drop dead gorgeous. just look at all the mutants in x-men, thor, green lantern, or even wonder woman! but yeah, strong performances by many overall and a very fast-paced show that did not allow viewers a break, especially from the second half onwards. 

you should see it if you have not.

conchita wurst

i conducted an experiment in my facebook.

i posted a pic of my mum acting cute and in less than a day i got more than 30 "likes", first "like" appearing within minutes.

next, i posted a youtube of a conchita wurst (a breaded drag queen) singing. i wrote: "close your eyes, listen to the song, halfway through, open your eyes. observe your reactions. reflect why you behaved as such. you will learn a lot about yourself."  and i got 3 likes after 2 days. the first "like" appeared after hours. 

facebook, as recorded and studied in many journals, can be used for all sorts of things - including learning and social experiments.

and in my experiment, go ahead and draw your own conclusions...

lol!

intense sunday

as a cap to the intense week, mum went over the top with her emo swings.

what a week!

this week has been one helluva interesting and intense for me. i took leave and headed to the hospital for my ct scan for my kidney stones and mum went slightly emo a couple of times. but the highlight of the week must have been the series of non-stop events at work. 

firstly, on monday, i organised a town hall meeting and a dialogue between my top leadership and leaders of the company. during that session, my ceo announced a worst-than-expected annual performance. nonetheless, he sounded upbeat given all the strategic moves that he had successfully completed that would see the company going forward very smoothly. 

i went for my ct scan on tuesday and on wednesday morning, in the midst of my breakfast, i got a company-wide email from my ceo. he had resigned. rushed to office and was told to arrange for an emergency town hall to be chaired by my chairman. and following that, it was a whole day of non-stop briefings. really intense and hardly settling. there was an air of sadness and uncertainty in the whole office. our ceo was such a well-loved leader. very sharp, very affable but no less demanding.

there was not a single chance for the unsettled feeling to stay cos on thursday, i had a review of work objectives for the coming year with my head. and with his impending departure end of the month, i would have to take over all his responsibilities (which thus far, had been carried out quite independently of what my areas). and added to inheriting his responsibilities, my chief had also indicated she wanted me to lead in employee communications and employee engagement. new areas that no one had done thus far. all these mean, there would be an almost 3- to 4-fold increase in my job scope. of cos, to help me, one of my existing manager (who is rather demoralised currently) would most likely be placed under me. 

and on friday, i conducted a full day training, just to be told at the end of the day that one other function chief had resigned... arghhh... what a way to end the week. too much for me for this one single week. this kinda explain my stress and my intense dream on thursday night right? 

haha...

did i almost die last night?

i had a super weird and intense experience last night.

i cannot exactly recall what i was doing except that i was taking a drive in my car. i was driving nice and slow in an estate road and somehow, i took a turn and entered an expressway. i picked up speed  and as i did so, decided to hit hard on the accelerator. the car picked up speed very very fast and i could feel the sudden intense pace at which things were zooming by. then something happened at the rear of my car, i grabbed the steering wheel tight as i turned and took a look. as i did so, the expressway curved to the left and next thing i knew, my car crashed into the road railings. due to the speed at which i was going, my car broke through the railings and flew. i couldn't do anything but to watch everything zip by.

before i knew it, my car crashed and everything turned dark. i felt things collapsing onto me from different directions, first from the front and then from the sides as the car got crushed. the next thing i knew, i felt an intense pressure pressing me from my back and within a split second, the pressure got so great it tore through my body. my chest was so tight it felt like it was going to explode. the feeling was intense that i woke up. panting. i felt the release of pressure in my chest as i woke up.

did i just experience a heart attack in the midst of my sleep?

boundaries

in the military where i spend a large part of my life, we were often reminded about the need to be clear about our physical boundaries. it's about space management, about rules, about exertion of rights, about sovereignty, etc. and we can be really anal about it. all the way down basics of who covers which side of the road. and as an instructor that trains mid-management senior officers in military tactics, simple questions such as "does this side of the road belong to you or your sister unit?" often throw my trainees off whenever we go into details of area management. after all, as senior officers, there is a tendency to want to focus on strategies and tactics rather than mundane tactical-level issues of area management and boundaries right? haha.

anyway, i want use this space not to talk about military men. instead, i want to simply capture what i observed over the last 2 days. and laugh about it. and certainly, they are directly related to the concept of boundaries, areas of responsibilities and how we need to manage this in real non-military life. here're the stories.

i was on leave 2 days ago and decided to take a walk at the beach in the morning. there was a hawker center and rubbish was strewn all over the floor. i supposed these were the aftermath left over by the crowd the night before. i noticed an uncle (presumably a china chinese from the way he dressed and his mannerism) was using a power water jet to clean the floor. and from what i could see, what he did was simply to use the water blasting out of his jet to blow the rubbish out if the hawker center onto the grass patch. he didn't seem too bothered about the rubbish being on the grass patch but took great pains and conscientiously make every effort to ensure no rubbish was left on the hawker center floor. hmmm...

fast forward. this morning as i was walking to work, i chanced upon a cleaner uncle who was sweeping the walking path. again, uncle was very "on the ball" and took care to sweep everything you can find on the walking path - leaves, flowers, tissue paper, rubbish, what have yous - off the path. thing was - he swept them into the grassy areas. and as i could not see any bins, dust pan, etc that would allow him to collect and dispose of the stuff he swept, i could only assumed that his focus was to clear the path and left whatever he cleared on the grass patch... and again, hmmm...

two different incidents. conceptually the same. both men were doing what they were doing, very conscientiously and very diligently. but... and  you cannot fault them for not doing their work.  hahahha...

mistaken identity

i went for my ct scan at the hospital this afternoon.

i was waiting for my turn when a hospital attendant came to me, took a hard look, and asked my name and what i was there for in a very-malay accented hokkien. and maybe becos of the quizzical look i had on my face, she switched to mandarin and repeated the questions again. all her hokkien and mandarin words were so so so bloody broken. she switched to english only after i opened my mouth to speak to her in english.

frankly, i really didn't know if i should feel offended or to praise the her for being service-minded. but she should learn this basic lesson in customer service - never ever stereotype a person base on his/ her looks! then again, did i come across as so china chinese or ah chek (hokkien for "uncle")? or with my botak head, she was indeed telling me i looked like some china-chinese construction worker? 

doh!

ps: i was there to do a ct scan to check for stones in my kidney and urinary tract. the results would be out when i see the doctor next on 19 may.

ondeh ondeh

managed to make ondeh ondeh today. love the end result! here's the recipe...

totally gay!

i am so totally gay!

you see, during my skin prick allergy test this morning, i was exposed to close to 20 allergens. and my skin reacted to none except cat fur. that means...

i am allergic to pussies!

then again, i knew i was "allergic" all these while but now scientifically and medically proven! how much more liberating can that be right? lol!

ok, i was just joking. it was such a coincidence.

very funny indeed.

:-)

pulut inti

decided to make pulut inti yesterday. wanted to do something different given it was a public holiday and i had some time. managed to do it within an hour late morning. somehow, we don't eat too much of what we cooked. but i liked the outcome. sedap sekali!

then again, if i were to do it again next time, i must include one important ingredient - blue pea flower colouring.

lol! here's the recipe...

sense of humor

the people in my workplace in general are fun and many have an interesting sense of humour.

just look at my colleague's email auto-reply: "i am away on duty travel and only be back in office on 2 may 2014. if your email is urgent, feel free to panic. :)"

haha!

being respectful

it's very disappointing to note that there are people amongst us who argue it is their right to do things that are disrespectful.

and i am referring to a local activist who tried to garner support for people to deface pictures and/ or to burn effigies, and so on of local politicians. far as i am concern, if we don't agree with any policies, we can protest, we can voice our disagreement, etc but we should still be respectful. spitting, throwing shit, throwing eggs on a person's photo is a tat too personal and totally wrong... it is so uncivilised and distasteful.

and as though to place himself on moral high grounds, he said he would not do it if it is against the law, after being warned by the police that it is illegal. my point is, legal or not, the thought of wanting to do these things, by themselves, reflects negatively on the character of the person doing it.

this should not happen in a civilized society. then again, i don't think we are that civilized after all.

two thumbs down.

vegetarianism

my annual practice of vegetarianism started tuesday (yesterday).

must make sure i don't balloon this time round.

lol!

heated patches

as i walked to work yesterday morning, i felt patches of heat on different parts of my bald head. i had never experienced this before previous few years when i went bald! it was a weird feeling but interesting. 

it reminded me of a server with different parts running and getting heated up. 

lol!

baldness revisited

i went bald again on monday, the eve of the first day of the fourth lunar month this year. and interestingly, the same thing happened to me this year. i hesitated a little at the barber entrance.

i actually pondered if i should only go bald after meeting with my big boss tuesday. i was a little self-sensitive and wondered if he'll ask me why i went bald. and frankly, i thought i look weird (and unglam, haha!) too.

then i remembered why i wanted to go bald - i wanted to guard against vanity and be detached from worldly desires. and with that realization, i walked in and got my head shaved.

sleep aid

was at the petrol kiosk couple of days ago and while waiting for the attendant to finish topping up the petrol, i noticed boxes of off-the-shelf sleep aid. took it up and noted it contained gaba and melatonin. there was 2 bottles in each box and the notes on the box claimed it was from natural sources and that it wculd help insomniacs and persons with jet lag. i decided to try it out and....

it actually worked!

well, it kinda made me drowsy and lazy. i slept ok although some time in the middle of the night, i kinda got into this half asleep state. but that was only for a short while. i went into deep sleep about 5am and woke up feeling rather ok at about 6-ish. but what's important was that i had an almost uninterrupted night.

i have not taken the second bottle yet. i don't think there is a need so far.

:-)

9th anniversary

was a simple but interesting high tea at the marina oriental hotel axis bar & lounge last sunday. that was the day we met to mark our 9 years together.

there were 5 courses with a total of 18 bite-sized items. a few times, we wondered if we could ask for a refill of what we liked. but in the end, we decided not to ask as we thought it would be a tat awkward and embarrassing if we were to be told we could not. then again, i supposed we were not sufficiently wowed to risk the embarrassment! heh! i must say the food quality was generally good and the names sounded very impressive. and thankfully we did not. the tea was rather filling, especially when they kept topping up our pot of tea leaves with fresh hot water (that's the trick to make your customers full, by the way), and towards the end, it was pure sugar loading!

it was a relaxing afternoon although i do add that the conversation revolved around mundane and routine stuff, interspersed with moments of self-time and infrequent gossips about whether some guy-guy fellow customers were gay. also, some things, such as those related to family tensions, were not said cos we knew the depths and backgrounds, and perhaps have already made assumptions and concluded the answers if we were to bring it up. and some topics were potential minefields that were inappropriate for that moment. that was how we spend the 9th anniversary afternoon.

kinda typical of couples being together for 9 years?

:-)

ps: had to lie to my mum that i had gone for a malay wedding reception. didn't want her to get stressed out and wondering about whether i had gone out to meet bad people...

captain america - the winter soldier

watched captain america: the winter soldier last night with bee.

wanted to watch something brainless such as rio 2 initially but booked captain america in the end as there was no other midnight shows. i didn't regret my decision. i never expected the show to be sooooo bloody good!

the fighting scenes looked real with proper choreographed kungfu for once! it didn't come across as staged and fake, or worst, comical (that is why i have never really liked jackie chan movies). and i particularly loved the fact that everyone acted so very well. very strong cast. the good-looking heartthrobs of today and yesteryears were all present! for a start, there was the long time heartthrob of my uni lecturer, robert redford (remembered how she talked non-stop about him back then during lecture and how she wouldn't mind spending a night with him... haha!) and not to mention, chris evans (who acted as captain america) was sooooo yummilicious! and also, scarlett johannson (who acted as black widow)! but seriously, captain america (disregarding all the history behind how and why it was created and all the propaganda behind it) was so attractive becos he came across as so human, so guy-next-door, and who is in touch with his emo-sensitive self. and his chemistry with black widow was so good!

chris evans was such a new-age sensitive guy, such a hunk, so metrosexual, so man, so...

ok, think i got a little carried away...

:-)

sentimental

i get sentimental during anniversaries and i have the tendency to think back about key moments of my life. perhaps that is why i was reminded of old songs. and talking about old songs, i was reminded of this...

all the images that rushed through my head when i listen to old songs such as this. people of the past, people who touched my life.

i am a sentimental person. 

a sentimental die hard.

bee gees

they never know how big they featured in many people's lives back then. and till today, many of their songs continue to bring so much warm to our hearts. was driving home from breakfast with mum yesterday and this song hit me out of no where. i did a quick google and decided to post a link to my facebook and within a few hours, it garnered many many likes from my friends. this post if i may add, will never do justice to all the good they brought to us years ago, and still do today.

and i dare say, the songs by many singers/ groups from back then gets better with years.

those were the golden years of music, from my perspective.

oldies are very much goldies.

:-)

passion?

i received a surprise message from an ex-military colleague yesterday. he served under me in the early 1990s and is now still in service, with a rank that is higher than me. interestingly, he asked me if i want to consider working as a dxo under him...

well, much as i appreciate his asking, i told him i no longer want to associate myself with the military anymore. he was a little confused. and without telling the details to him, i told him about how i was, in my view, mishandled by the military in 2005. he felt terribly disappointed with what happened but decided not to ask further. and he said this very interesting thing to me...

"for whatever the reasons, you will always be my leader and i've always admired your passion towards the military. thanks for sharing your tensions and how they treated you. rest assure it will stay with me."

my friend, i thought, passion is an outcome of finding what we do meaningful to us. loyalty, on the other hand, is totally passé. you can be loyal to your organisation, but it will weed you out when you are no longer valued. often, many mix these two up, and to regret later.

i made that mistake. that is the lesson i have learnt.

i no longer trust the institution.

ladder of inference

jumping to wrong conclusions (as explained in the ladder of inference) is a constant thing that screw up most interactions for everyone. and i experience this when i interact with mum very often. here's a classic example. the context being, mum didn't sleep the whole night despite taking double dose of sleeping pills. it always happen when i leave the house for, say, run, or watch a movie. i went to watch a movie last night and it happened again. here's our conversation this morning.

end-of-9

this the last day of our nine years together

pre-9th anniversary

tomorrow we start our journey to hit the decade mark
this time next year

end of 8 (start of nine), end of 7 (start of 8), end of 6 (start of 7), end of 5 (start of 6), end of 4 , end of 3, reflective end of 2, and i did not blog anything during our anniversaries before that!

picture from http://q83lm.com/e-cards/the-number-9-4/

lorazepam 2

have taken the sleeping pill again last night.

and on both nights, i noticed something very interesting. i did stir in the middle of the night, but i was not able to wake up totally per se. so, it was something like trying to waking up fully, but floating in a state that was just short of waking up. i could only attribute it to the sleeping pill. 

so, nett-nett, i would say it was good, i didn't wake up. i will consider taking it on and off once or twice more just to get my body out of the waking up habit. and i will stop. lorazepam is a short-term sleep aiding medication and a person can get use to it to the point where the body becomes insensitive to it. and worst still, addicted to it.

better take only when needed and not become reliant on it.

:-)

lorazepam

decided to take lorazepam to aid my sleep tonight.

gave the same to my mum earlier. hopefully, she will be able to sleep well too. last night, she stayed awake through the night and interrupted my sleep with her cough. i had to wake up to administer the cough mixture for her and gave her a sleeping pill. but it didn't work, so she claimed. today, she was totally hostile towards the maid and i came home from work to a very agitated mum that threatened to slap the maid. had to tread a very thin line between calming her and avoiding further tensions with the maid.

anyway, i hope to be able to sleep properly tonight, and not wake up at 2am.

let's see how things go...

promotion after all

yup, contrary to earlier inputs, i will be expecting one after all. here's the story...

my chief has arranged for me to have lunch with her tomorrow. she said it would be to tell me about my performance. well, i wasn't surprised to get this appointment. it is, after all, expected considering we will be expecting our pay adjustment by end of the month and thus, bosses are required to talk to their direct reports to debrief them about their performance. it was kind of a non-affair for me frankly speaking, more so after my immediate head debriefed me last week (very apologetically) that nothing's gonna change for me.

then this evening, just about an hour plus ago, i got a call from my immediate head. it was not normal for him to call me, much less at such an odd hour. and he told me he would be on leave tomorrow and thought it would be important for him to prime me before i head out for the lunch. apparently, he had another round of discussion with my chief and they agreed that i have been doing more than what is expected of me, and it would be important that my responsibilities and contributions be recognised; even if the bad operating environment and the company's lacklustre performance do not allow them to commensurate this promotion with the same magnitude in terms of the pay adjustment. as usual, he sounded apologetic about it but said that would be the least he could do for me before he leaves end next month (he's a contract staff).

well, what more can i say right? i expressed my appreciations and thanked him for it.

i thought it's very nice of him to push for it.

anticipations

i am frankly anticipating the pain when the kidney stones start to move. moving kidney stones are no small thing. the pain i experienced before was terrible! i was totally incapacitated and i could not do anything other than curl in bed and grimace as my body experienced extremes between chills and high fever.

so, it is with this anticipation that i constantly feel rather uncertain as to when the movement will start. by itself, it is rather an unsettling feeling. not knowing if i will suddenly become incapacitated. what if it happens during my training? what happens if it happens when mum goes cranky? i can only feel a stressed by the uncertainty and anticipation.

this anticipation and stress is made worst by the increased sensitivity to little aches and pains i feel whenever i move. and probably causing me uneasy nights (i had non-stop nightmares last night!) and yes, i woke up this morning to find a cold sore developing on my lower lip. i get cold sores when i experience extreme stress. and this time round, i think it is due to this anticipation... 

and thankfully, my stress is not as bad given that i have made deliberate plans to slow down things at work. i am typing this post at the canteen. and at this immediate moment, what is stressing me is the uneasy feeling in my tummy. i think i need to go to the toilet. haha!

:-)

mum going cranky again

was walking home from work when i got a call from sis.

i knew it would not be anything good. and as per my expectations, it wasn't. she told me mum had called her. and mum told her the maid is in cahoots with some lady from block 7 and my previous maid to harm her. mum added that the maid always act suspiciously and stays in the toilet for more than half an hour every time... la la la... yup, almost the same storyline all over again. frankly, i do at times feel so freaking frustrated as to why i have to be at the receiving end of the tensions she had had in her younger days. but well... anyway, back to the call. i didn't bother to ask further, and simply told my sis that i will manage her. she asked me if i needed her to come in to talk some sense into her. she asked if i could titrate her medications further. i simply told her that i will managed. she should now be able to fully appreciate what i meant when i told her sometime back that i had hesitated getting a maid as i had expected this to happen and i would end up having to manage 2 persons instead of one. but well... 

i got home and it was déjà vu all over again. mum was in my room, looking all moody and suspicious. you kinda know how the whole evening panned out. was extra careful when i spoke with her. she was superbly sensitive sensory-wise, reacting sharply to everything around her. every little noise, every small movements, etc. would evoke a quick question from her. and she was also extra sensitive emotionally and psychologically through the evening. she asked me every little details of why i did this or why i did that, what was i looking at, why was i looking at this or that, where was the maid, why did she do this, why did she do that... it was like as though she was up on guard against everything possible.

was quite a challenging evening. she's finally retired to bed.

let's hope she doesn't create any issues in the middle of the night.

losing my voice again

well... almost. 

i thought i had my voice back after almost a week plus of rest. i went back to work yesterday and had to conduct a day of training. but halfway through the day, my voice started cracking... and my throat started hurting... and perhaps it was becos of my recent bouts of illness, i was totally conscious of the need to drink and i made it a point to drink like a sponge through the day. heh... almost got it back again today. 

i have one more day of training tomorrow. 

let's see how it goes. 

:-)

morning moon

it wasn't here last year... 

and i decided to snap it as i walked to work.

and ooooo, i didn't even realize i caught the moon. 

kept thinking it was some dirt on my phone screen...

nice!

walking zombies

i enjoyed my walk to work this morning. the whole experience, though different from last year, was just as rich visually. 

and interestingly, i do notice that the people that come out of the train station look somewhat different. it was not just that fact that there are new faces (some quite young and cute too! ha), but rather, i do have the feel like as though i was walking alone amongst a lot of zombies.

really! and i say this becos one can really feel so very alone and isolated amidst the morning crowd of  people cos they were all rushing madly out of the train station and to make it even more interesting, almost every other person were so lost in their own worlds and did not seemed to be aware of the surroundings. they were all so absorbed in their individual world of smartphones, either watching some videos or listening to so loud music.

terrible right? and i can bet everyone to the last dollar that no one noticed the blue sky, the greenery, the flowers on the incandescence bending down, drenched and dripping with the morning dew drops, and the little birds busy hunting and pecking the grass patches, picking their breakfasts... no one was living in the present! very sad indeed...

but well, as i said, i enjoyed my walk. 

looking forward to doing it again tomorrow!

amazing changes...

i got the parking notice yesterday and decided to walk to work today. 

and as i journey along the path, it hit me how much things have changed! and it was no more than just 8-9 months that i took the same path but the whole journey look and feel totally different now. of cos, the morning freshness was still there, other than that, everything else seemed to have changed. the new university that was no more than foundation-laying back now has almost reached completion. there are also new buildings along my path to my office... well, yes of course i knew back then that these building would be coming up, but everything seemed so different when i see it myself as i walk to work today.

amazing! then again, that is the singapore i know. things change at a superbly quick rate. frankly, i myself dare not claim to know the city these days, given that i have not really venture into town for a while. same goes for some of the new housing estates, estates that was build over some of the older sub-urban areas that i used to roam and explore some years back. hmmm...

:-)

right side of road

after parking at the undeveloped areas of the business park uninterrupted for almost 9 months, i returned to my car at the end of the day and saw a parking offence note on my windscreen. it states to the likes of "do not make payment"... and "notice of offence - parking at the right side of the road".

hmmm... this only mean i will be getting a formal letter send to my place with a fine shortly. but i was kinda curious as much as i was amused (and to a small extent angered) by what this means. parking the the right side of the road is an offense? I had made it a point many a times to check with the parking enforcement officers that does their rounds frequently daily on the possibility of parking there. and consistently, i have been told that i would be fine if i parked on the left side as it was painted with a double yellow line. but i could do so on the right side as there was no lines drawn and thus, there was nothing to suggest i couldn't do so.

and now this? doesn't make sense at all...

手放開

我把自己關起來　只留下一個陽台
每當天黑推開城門　對著夜幕發呆
看著往事　一幕一幕
再次演出你我的愛

我把電視機打開　聽著別人的對白
也許那些故事　可以給我一個交代
你要的愛　我學不來
眼睜睜看情變壞　人怔怔看情感慨

＊不能給你未來　我還你現在
安靜結束也是另一種對待
當眼淚流下來　傷已超載
分開也是另一種明白

＃〔我給你〕最後的疼愛　是手放開
不要一張雙人床中間隔著一片海
感情的污點就留給時間慢慢漂白
把愛收進胸前左邊口袋

最後的疼愛　是手放開
不想用言語拉扯所以選擇不責怪
感情就像候車月台　有人走有人來
我的心是一個站牌　寫著等待

重唱　＊,＃

我把收音機打開　聽著別人的失敗
哽咽的聲音彷彿訴說著相同悲哀
你的依賴　還在胸懷
我無法輕易推開　我無法隨便走開
感情中專心的人容易被傷害

rain, purge my mind!

i was driving to my brother's place earlier this afternoon when it rained cats and dogs! it was a really really heavy rain. it was so heavy that every car on the road slowed down to no more than 40-50kmph for the visibility was reduced to no more than 30m. 

and admittedly for that very moment, some very weird thoughts went through my mind. will i skid and die? will i crash or will someone crash into me and kill me? for that matter, will these things happen and kill everyone in my car (i.e. including my mum and my maid)? at the same time, i have this very very strong urge to want to just stop my car, and run out to get myself drenched. i so very want to let the rain water wash away all my frustrations! i needed to clear my mind!

haha... rain always has such cathartic effect on me since young.

difficult week

it has been a very difficult week on all fronts for me.

health-wise, the doctor has more or less confirmed that i have recurring kidney stones. and my cough and choked nose continued to trouble me. was given 2 days of mc to rest at home. then again, i had to stay away from the house as i did not want mum to worry about me. 

work-wise, i was on mc but on the days when i was back at work, i felt totally lost and many interesting developments took place. i was told i will not be promoted. i was half dead and had to conduct a 1-day program despite my bad throat. almost lost my voice a couple of times through the day and had to excuse myself a couple of times to clear my throat and my nose. i was glad i pulled through it. i was glad it was a short work-week. 

at home, mum was relative stable but her condition constantly turn a little "iffy" at night. the constant worry of her mood turning bad kept me on my toes throughout the week. it was quite challenging to have to continue with the nightly routine of bringing her out to keep her mind occupied despite my sickness. but i supposed the outings also allowed me some fresh air and that kept me going.

relationship-wise, it was disastrous. bee returned after his 4-day/ night disappearance to bkk for songkran. my anxiety and worries turned very quickly into anger and i literally burst! my anger carried through the week. despite this tensions, i had to keep a cheerful and smily face in front of mum and at work. not easy. 

all these tensions translated to constant foul moods and sleepless nights or at best, nights with lots of interrupted sleep and weird dreams. well, i'm glad i survived. i supposed when things are down, the only direction that it can go going forward is up. it's good friday today and yes, it was indeed a good friday for me. 

in all sense. 

disoriented

after almost 5 months of intense conduct of training to clear as many people as possible, i have finally decided to slow things down. and i did so becos i wanted to create capacities to focus on other areas in this new fiscal year. more importantly, my physical health is breaking down and i need to give my body a break. 

so with effect from this month, i have reduced my training frequency tremendously. and suddenly, i feel very exhausted. burnt out, i supposed. and added to that, i also feel very lost. it's like as though i have started a new job altogether! i didn't know where to start and how to move. and i also sensed my staff feeling the same! haha!

then again, i reminded myself not to be too worried about it. this feeling of unsettledness will probably only be transient. and once things pick up, i am sure i will be up and going again.

:-)

no promotion

i had a talk with my immediate head two days ago and told him about my conversation with my chief, the one about not working too hard, about prioritising myself above everything else, etc. and he didn't seemed surprised. in fact, he went on to share with me some things that i didn't expect him to share. some details of what had been discussed between him and her about my progression in the company.

lingering sickness

the frequent coughs and the blocked nose has cleared to a certain extent over the last couple of days. nonetheless, i still have the tendency to break into violent bouts of cough once a while. and when that happens, i can hear and feel thick viscous phlegm from deep inside my lungs. not very comforting.

i can only hope for it to clear totally by next week...

scarred by songkran

throughout the week, whenever i see the word "songkran", and/ or read about all the gay circuits, the parties, fun and orgies that happened during the songkran period, i get very upset. it did not matter if he was involved in it or not. but the mental image of him being in the thick of the activities... coupled with the fact that he was so hasty in wanting to go, that he did not keep in contact during the whole period, in another words, that i totally did not feature nor was considered in his life made me felt so terribly hurt and scarred.

it's been four days since he returned and i am still reeling from it. 

i think it will continue to haunt me for a long time to come.

the truth

some times, you really don't want to know the truth. for example, till now, i still wonder whether he actually called me when he disappeared last week. he said he tried to call me when he was overseas but i didn't believe him. i know he lied for my telco would send me a message if there was any unsuccessful connections, and when he was there, there was none. but i decided to give him the benefit of doubt.

and  now that things are a little less emotional, i have asked myself if i should ask him again. i would very much like him to come clean with me. at least it would give him back some credibility. but then again, what good will it do to me even if i know. what if the answer is "yes"? what if the answer is "no"? either way, it will do me no good. there will always be this element of doubt and there will also be this belief that he lied. and all things being equal, even if he did, he did not put in enough effort to get to me. bottom-line, the trust i have in him has been dented. 

i should just stop wondering and not know the truth, and just focus on rebuilding the trust. it will take time i supposed and he needs to play his part.

i can forgive, but it is very very difficult to forget.

honesty is the best policy

i was at my cubicle yesterday composing myself before my program starts and took up a book to browse through. i came across this phrase... 

"if you always tell the truth, 

you won't have to remember what you said"

it resonated with me totally. i cannot really describe the feeling and i could probably draw a parallel to what people would call an "aha moment" - the moment when everything seemed to make sense and all pieces fall into place. for me, this moment hit me in part becos of my current state of mind, and in part becos it reminded me of the times when i was interrogated by the military security department some 9 years back for being gay. that was what i reminded myself of throughout the interrogation process. i will be honest. and i will have nothing to fear if i were honest. they cannot threaten me with any lie detector tests etc.

so... yeah, i decided to post it in my facebook and to also capture it here.

:-)

ps: i googled it last evening and understood that the phrase was coined by mark twain...

part of me died

i am venting. i need the space to just write and vent.

i must admit, i have been in a state where i am angry and still pouting. in fact, i don't think i have been more angry with him in our 9-years together. i felt he has gone way too far this time round. i still cannot accept that fact that when he was overseas, he did not call back and neither did he switch on his phone. i still cannot accept the fact that such actions come from him. this was the longest time in our 9-years together where we did not contact each other. where was the considerations for me when he was overseas? didn't he think i would be worried?

for me personally, regardless of where i go, i will make sure i tell him and to keep in contact with him. so i totally cannot comprehend his actions. yes, he kept telling me that he was there for work and nothing else. i can accept that although i find it hard to believe. his actions did not commensurate with claims. to me, there was only so much time where work occurs. other than time, when one is overseas, the only other things that can happen is sleep and have fun. and coupled with this highest degree of secrecy and not telling me who he went with, where he went to and his departure/ arrival dates/ times, i cannot help but feel totally anxious, jealous, angry, etc. am i wrong to feel this way? i don't think so. and why am i feeling this way? i reflected and i can only say this - he matters to me. and becos he matters to me, the following can explain some of the emotions that i felt...

sleep & emotional well-being

i was finally able to sleep without the hassle of the restless arms last night. nonetheless, i continue to wake up several times through the night. somehow, this has become a constant feature of my nightly rests. this reminded me of a conversation i had with the chinese tui na (traditional chinese massage) lady when i visited for a massage some time back.

when i told her i have the issue of waking up in the middle of the night, she asked me for the exact time of the night that i wake up. and when i told her that it is about 2-3am and again at about 5am, she immediately asked if i have any issues with my liver and my lungs. kinda interesting how she zoomed into these organs just by knowing the time of the interruption of the sleep cycle. anyway, she explained that the body goes through a routine "maintenance" cycle nightly and specific areas are focused on at different hours of the night. so that times that i wake up generally would allow them to diagnose the possible organs that likely need attention. i cannot say i don't believe her for after all, traditional chinese medicine has been around for thousands of years and for it to continue to exist in this day and age, there must be some truth in the practice. anyway, i did a quick google of the topic and this was what i found.

kinda interesting. follow the link and it suggests further that the different organs are also linked to a person's emotional state of health. for example, for a person to constantly wake up at 1-3am (liver), the person would likely be experiencing anger and frustrations. on the same token, for a person to wake up between 3-5am (lungs), the person would likely be experiencing sadness and grief. reflecting, there seemed to be a very good correlation when i sense-make this with my current state of health and if i may say, the frustrations, anger and pent up emotions with bee and his travel last week. then again, how true this is, i am not sure.

whatever it is, one thing is for sure... 

i need to learn to relax. 

red sky

i had trouble sleeping again last night. and when i eventually did, the sleep was interrupted by a weird dream. 

it was dark and i could feel a lot of tensions. there was a lot of background noise. and amidst the noise, i could hear myself shouting and scolding people. i was angry, i was tensed, and i was feeling very pent up. and it wasn't very clear who my anger was directed at. bee? i donno, there was nothing in the scene. then the sky brighten. the scene was rather surreal. there was absolute emptiness other than a sky filled with cirrus clouds - clouds that exist very high in the atmosphere. there was some sort of weird striated patterns in the clouds. the striations seemed to extend perpendicularly from my point of view and extended towards the horizon that was coloured somewhat between deep orange and red, not much different from a poster depicting dawn (or dusk). yet, everything was still. empty. and my tensions continue and i continued hearing my voice scolding. i sounded freaking angry. but the me in the dream wasn't scolding anyone. i was simply standing there... 

then i woke up. heart beating furiously.

it was a long while more before i fell asleep again. 

"pull back your foreskin"

i have always expected awkward moments whenever i visit the urologist. after all, the consultation would sometimes involve talking about our private parts. and this was what happened today...

my appointment was supposed to be at 4.20pm but i arrived early at about 2.30pm. the doctor was kind enough to let me see him first and after explaining about the condition, he said i would need to undergo some further scans, as well as a urine test to confirm his assessments. he asked me to wait outside his consultation room while he prepares the documents. not long after, a female nurse emerged from the room. she was holding a pack of gauze, a pack of disinfectant and 2 containers for me to store my urine. 

and this was how she explained to me:

oh hi sir, i will need you to collect your urine sample in these containers ya. and before you do that, you must clean your private parts first (she showed me the gauze and the disinfectant as she said that. and hmmm, i thought i noted her voice getting a little softer when she mentioned "private parts"). and if you are not circumcised, you will need to pull back your foreskin, wet the gauze and clean the head properly too ya? and once you've done that, you can then proceed to collect your urine sample. you will need to let the initial stream go and collect only the mid-stream urine ok? you can shoot into one container and pour half into the other container, no need to shoot into both container ya...

yup, that was how the nurse explained the whole process to me. of cos, it sounded clinical enough and i did not feel awkward at all. but on the other hand, i felt awkward for her to be going into these details with me in the midst of other patients. and this feeling was further accentuated by the fact that she's young, probably in her early-20s and looked like a school girl, and that she's malay. so...

heh...

girl or boy?

i want to write about how mum and my current maid communicate with one another.

one of the factor i look for when i hire maids was language competencies. i needed the maid to be able to communicate with mum. and this maid that i eventually hired knows a little english. not much, but enough to get by with an elderly woman. so english became the language through which they communicate with one another. now, the interesting thing is that both the maid and mum's english are bad (very bad, to be exact) and often they ended up saying things that confuses each other. it has happened a few times before and it happened again today...

what happened today was... i came home and saw mum watching the tv and i sat beside her and chatted with her. and mum said the maid has been laughing at her whole day. and she naturally wondered why. to me, i was quick to conclude that her paranoia was acting up and tried to explain to her that the maid meant no harm. i later found out why the maid laughed and knowing the context, even i myself laughed out loud! here's how the conversation went:

context:  mum was very keen to know more about the maid's family and had been asking questions about her mum, her siblings and whether she has children... 

maid: "i got one son"

mum: "orhh, your son... girl or boy?"

maid: !!!

mum: ???

maid (lol!)...

well, the maid didn't know how to respond and started giggling. added to the fact that the maid's english was not exactly good, she didn't know how to tell mum about the mistake. and so, whenever she thought of the question, she would simply laugh out loud! but mum was totally lost as to why she was laughing...