losing my voice

after the last 2 weeks of almost non-stop training, workshop and meetings, i finally lost my voice. but thankfully, i was able to last till the end of the conference, although i must say my throat consistently threaten to collapse many a times through the conference.

whew!

losing my cool

i lost my cool this week. 

there were so many pressing projects, training, workshops to be done and all of them happened altogether, back-to-back. and when such things happened, one would have thought the organizer/ co-ordinator of the event would have placed emphasis, time and effort to make sure things were co-ordinated well and executed smoothly. but this was apparently not the case.

detailed planning

or the lack of it. it was terribly upsetting to find that despite all the discussion and the agreement that there is a need for a cue table to be developed to drive a rather difficult conference, nothing was done. it became very clear on the day of the conference itself when, just 15 min before the start, and when i asked for a final brief, everyone was still rather iffy about the whole event.

take this as an example. it was close to 9am (the supposed start time of the conference). i asked for the co-ordinator to brief on what to expect and she went, at 9am, the mc (master of ceremony) will announce… i stopped her straightaway, i don't think it will happen according to the planned time looking at the number of participants who have arrived (3-4 out of 80 pax). and i asked, who is going to give the mc the cue? everyone stared at me… blank faced. errrr… on the spot, the co-ordinator answered, oh, i will do it. all things being equal, i must make sure the start of the conference go well. eventually, we started at 9.25am. 

you kinda get the sense of realism on the ground and the need for who to know who to cue who and what to cue for the event to be managed.

i see nothing of those.

scary.

what a week!

i survived this week! 

this was probably one of my toughest week in recent years. back-to-back training and meetings and had not time to do proper development work. for that matter, i only started developing my materials for the second half of my program at 1am the night before the conference. glad things turned out smoothly despite all the lack of focus on the part of the organisers! 

i am so so so bloody relieved!

:-)

bruised back

i went for a chinese traditional massage (推拿 or tuī ná) earlier to sort out my strained neck and tight back. here's how my back look like after the massage. well, the redness was due to the 刮痧 (guā shā) treatment that i agreed to as part of the massage. and the round red patches were due to the moxibustion cups that were applied to the back to "suck out the wind".

:-)

ps: picture taken by my 3-yr old niece

wrong sounding text

i went for my chiro treatment today and one of the key issue i had to clear was my bad back and strained neck. as the muscle around the neck was all totally knotted, he referred me to a traditional chinese massage first. he explained that it would be best to sort out the muscles or else it would be very difficult further the chiro treatment. as a follow-up, i arranged for my next chiro treatment on this coming monday. i eventually went for the massage and it was one hell of experience (will write about this in subsequent post). this is the context of our whatsapp conversation below… (he text is reflected in white, and mine green)

haha!

siu mai

i almost burst out laughing when i saw this signage for the dish during breakfast. of course, the literal word for word chinese to english translation is correct. but that is not how it is supposed to be done. the dish is simply - beef wonton or beef dumplings!

lol!

lung function tests

just completed my metacholine challenge test.

indeed as the name suggest, it was very challenging! i had to forcefully blow hard into a machine and empty my lungs of all the air (just like what i did for the spirometry test last week). and i had to do it for some 10-12 times under different conditions/ concentrations of metacholine! it was such hard work! never blow so many times and with such might before in my life. it was really exhausting cos the metacholine served to constrict my air way and make the blowing difficult. and i had to repeat it again and again! by the third round, i was already panting, my chest was uncomfortable and my heart racing. the lab technician who administered the test decided to stop the test and to take my blood pressure, my pulse rate and my spo2 levels! and after resting for a while, she continued to make me repeat the test.

but i think i pass the blowing test with flying colors!

:-)

hospital calls

was in china and constantly keep getting calls from the hospital.

found it rather irritating frankly to be disturbed by them. first, it was the doctor who called and kept telling me that i could bring mum home. i had to repeatedly explain that i was overseas. and then there was the ward nurse that called a few times to ask about the frequency of her medication. 

and what irritated me was the fact that in both cases, i had explained the details to the doctor and nurse the day before. it was clear to me that the inputs was not communicated when they change shift. and to make things worst, because i was in china, the line could not connect and i had to call back. and when i call back, the line would be engaged and i had to call umpteen times before they would answer. 

and to have to do this amidst all the training… 

not cool!

one more week

well, one week of hectic schedule had passed. 

one more week to go. next week will be as challenging, if not more. two full-day training, and one full day workshop. have not developed the workshop materials… and my boss has already been chasing me to have a couple of other meetings… no more capacity.

well… as i have mentioned, i will be a very happy person by the end of next week!

:-)

anxious mum

to have to consistently entertain calls from the hospital is already bad enough. then i have to also contend with mum calling me and asking what i was doing. her anxiety over my absence is terrible. even my staff likens her to "a very jealous and possessive girlfriend".

sighs…

bad shoulder

for the past four five days, my shoulder has been killing me. there's this stabbing pain and it refused to go away. and the pain was very debilitating too! my sleep would be disrupted as i would be jolt out of my sleep when i turn as the pain would just hit me. need to head to my chiropractor to get it sorted out tomorrow…

let's hope he can help me!

bloody urine

two days ago, i woke up and went to the toilet to pee. and for a moment i thought i saw reddish urine coming out. i couldn't confirm as i wasn't wearing my contact lenses and simply dismissed it. and then yesterday, the same thing happened.

this time round, i took that extra effort to take a closer look. true enough, the urine was reddish. deep red for that matter. it reminded me of the times couple of years back when i had the same experience. at that time, i was made to go through the cystocopy. needless to say, to have some scope inserted through your urethra… that was a really horrible experience. 

i hope not to go through this again. i have started drinking as much as possible for now. and since then, my urine has been rather normal looking. let's hope it clears up and stays this way!

fulfilling trip

smooth flight, great crew, cool weather, hospitable people, 5-star hotel, interesting food, enthusiastic learners, enjoyable training experience...

was indeed a very hectic but fulfilling trip!

glad to be back!

miss blog & fb

there was no blogger and no facebook in china!

totally forgot about it until i was there. and as per my usual habit, i tab onto my facebook and blogger link and… 

totally missed blogging and facebooking. didn't realize how clicking onto my these pages has become so much a habit/ part of me!

is that good? or bad?

hmmm...

painful little toe

about 3 weeks ago on a saturday, i kicked the leg of my bed frame inadvertently as i walked into the room. the hit was so hard i had to squat down for a moment. i was wincing in pain! but of course, after a minute or so, the pain on my right small toe became a lot more tolerable and i didn't really bothered about it. this despite the fact that the right small toe had swell up by almost 50%. i didn't really notice the pain through the weekend.

monday came and i happily wore my work leather shoes. and next thing i knew, i was grimacing in pain again. my right small toe was so painful i had to limp to work. it was really bad. and i had to end up not wearing my shoe and walk around in my socks the whole day. i decided to wear flip flops to and during work for a couple of days after that. 

as of today, the pain is still there. the pain may get a lot worst when i wear my leather shoes over a prolong period of time. otherwise, if i leave my right small toes in the open, i do not actually feel the pain. well, what became clear to me after the first initial few days was that i had had a fracture on my right small toe.

and from what i know and what i have observed of people who fractured their small toes, there is really nothing the doctors can do about it. all they can advise is - rest and don't wear shoes… and that is what i am doing. most of the time.

:-)

as predicted

got a call from mum… no, got 6 missed call from her this afternoon while i was at work. hurriedly, i returned the call. and she went, i wanna see our family doctor, i am very uncomfortable and i wanna die already. ok, here we go again, i thought. and she went on non-stop about her discomfort and how terrible she felt, legs aching, body weak, voice getting hoarse, not passing motion despite being given the suppository, etc etc etc.

i held my breathe and controlled myself. and then i told her i will rush home to sent her to the doctor. and i excused myself from work. she had not arrived home from the rehab center yet when i arrived at my place and decided to head up to the house to drop my work stuff in the house. that was when she called again. i am downstairs already. you can come down now. we made our way to the hospital right away. we arrived, she was wheeled into the triage area, i parked my car, made my way back to the triage area… 

such a process had become all too routine for me. this is the ninth (?) time over the last 8 months if i remember correctly. in no time, the nurses did an ecg on her. and within the hour, the critical care doctor came out. what exactly happen to her? the doctor asked. and after all my explanation, she opined that there was nothing seriously wrong with her. true, she has a little whizzing and a little bit of exacerbation. but otherwise, she is very fine and can be discharged.

i had expected this to be the case and the feedback confirmed my suspicion that mum was basically playing up all the imaginary illness due to her anxiety over my departure to china to work tonight. i describe the situation with the doctor and after discussing the limited options available, she agreed that admitting mum would probably be the best option. all things being equal, mum would at least be able to get some professional care during my 3-day absence. 

sighs… what a waste of time. all the work that could have been completed if not for this nonsense. and all the co-ordination gone to waste, considering it was she who had asked to stay at my brother's place. and now with her in hospital, the maid also volunteered to stay with her throughout. the maid said it would be a better option for she knows that mum would suspect her of stealing things and ransacking the house when left alone.

for now, she seemed settled down. 

sighs… 

humility

i was having my breakfast yesterday morning at the canteen. there were 2 men seated near me and they were talking loudly. this was how part of the conversation went. one guy said: i am one who cannot be humble. how to be humble? no matter how i try, i can't. it comes out so unnatural.

hmmm... what a weird thing to say! difficult to be humble?

from one angle, i thought, be authentic, be real. don't do something that you are not. but then again, from another angle, i cannot understand how a person cannot be humble. easiest way is to keep your mouth shut. no?

well, my mind easily gets into this reflective mode over such mundane things. decided to just eat my breakfast and ignore the conversation.

haha!

trifluoperazine

yup, trifluoperazine. that is the medication given to mum. 1mg dosage. and it knocked her out very quickly. i didn't realize it's almost immediate effect until this evening - the third day of administering this medication.

i gave her the medication at about 9.30 and within 15min, she said she wanted to head to bed. and by 10.30pm, she was totally asleep. usually when i leave the house for my run, i would just call out to her and inform her that i am leaving. and she would simply acknowledge and head back to sleep. this evening, when i called out to her,  there was totally no response. and the maid told me, ah ma sleeping already. well, that was really fast for usually, she would toss and turn and not fall asleep till about an hour later, and even then, her sleep would be very light and she would wake up by 2am, or 3am latest. 

reflecting, she complained of "wanting to fall sick" yesterday and the night before, didn't sleep well. but last night, she retired by 9pm and slept soundly after that. she woke up at 4am, a total of 8 hours of sleep! kinda amazing if you ask me. but i have a little apprehension. and i am monitoring any side effects. for a start, i have noticed her voice has gotten a little hoarse today. she said it was cos she felt "heaty" inside. i also noted she has started to constipate. not too sure if her constipation is related to the new medication cos i also noted that over the last 2 days when she visited my brother, there was hardly any vegetables in the meals. and that by itself could have caused the constipation. apart from these, her spo2 and her pulse had been rather stable. hmmm… 

i donno. will just have to continue to observe. will administer the suppository tomorrow to aid her bowel movement. hope that clears the "heatiness" that she complains about.

anti-histamines

decided to take a tab of chlophenylamine/ puriton last night before bed. thought it'll help clear my sinus and aid my sleep at the same time. well, it worked! of cos, i still had a nightful of weird dreams that threatened to wake me up but didn't. woke up at 5.30am and decided to sleep again... finally woke up for good at 6.50am. 

and woohhhh! i had terribly puffed up eyes and eye bags!

usual outcome of puritons to me.

ha!

lightning!

heh… over the last hour, i completed developing an activity for my program tomorrow. it was something that i had promised the top man in my company i would do last week but had not done. also, i managed to complete designing the slide template for my china program slides. with this done, i would simply apply it to all the content that i had developed previously and insert a few case studies and i am done! will do that in the next 2 days and i should be ready for china!

surprised by how fast i managed to do it!

weeee… 

:-)

加油

with all the things in my mind now, i can only say this to myself…

haha… am i showing signs of panic?

whatever…

picture from http://s369.photobucket.com

dilemma

i have observed this pattern about mum whenever she is aware i will be heading overseas for work. a few days before i leave, she would complain of sickness/ wanting to fall sick. and she would start to behave badly. at times, it can come across as attention-seeking, while other times, it would turn real.

and it is happening again. i can't sleep over the last few days. i think i am falling sick. i felt warm last night. my whole body is aching. things taste so blend to me... her complains have started to come in. deja vu. on the other hand, these are the things that i cannot ignore. i cannot assume she is trying to seek attention. and even if they are psychological in nature, there is always a real possibility that her complains become real.

never like to be caught in such situations. it always pose constant dilemmas to me as to whether i should send her in to the hospital or not. and if i don't, whether she will end up falling sick in the next 2 days. if she does, i might have to end up canceling my trip. and if she doesn't, i will still end up worrying about her well-being. and this time round, i do not feel good about it...

wtf!

rain!

at long last, after almost 2 months of no rain (which is the longest spell in the country over the last century and a half), the rain finally came! and it rained with a vengeance! such a great relief for many! it's been too long. all the trees, grass, epiphytes etc had been dried up. and with the haze and the smell, it felt like as though the country is on fire! i texted some of my friends and interestingly, one said that there were people at macdonalds running around and feeling excited about the rain; and a few were even snapping away pictures of the rain as it fell!

very nice!

rise of the empire

watched rise of the empire last night with bee. as expected, it was superbly gory. lots of blood splashing, heads detached from the bodies, still with blood dripping from the neck, stabling, slashing, etc. and being a person who dislike gore, i invariably found myself closing my eyes whenever there was close combat throughout the show. other than that, the story itself was not too bad. also, it was interesting how the story was scripted such that it occurred at the same time the story in the movie 300 unfolded. there were even attempts to weave in one or two scenes from 300! thought it was nicely done. and similar to 300, the production was created in the same dark dreamy feel. at times, it was kinda distracting, but then again, such an effect seemed appropriate given the dark and gloom that was featured constantly throughout the show.

i have read many reviews about the show before watching it. and many mentioned about the one thing that stood out - beefcake galore. yes, there were lots and lots of half-naked men in every scene. and all the men seemed to have that broad shoulders, superbly developed deltoids, rock hard chest, oh-my-god abs and big bulges. totally unrealistic if you ask me. and with this overdosage of testosterone, any possibility of eroticism quickly dissipated after the first two scenes. not surprisingly, there were a few scenes of bouncing (woman's) breasts as well as scenes of violent sex. for the latter, one was that of men raping woman and another featuring both the male and female lead engaging in an almost s&m-like sex. so, viewers were treated to scenes of woman-on-top, man-on-top, strangling, ripping of clothes, thrusting, and so on. but i must say, the sex scenes were graphic but totally not erotic (at least not to me) given the tensions of enmity between the two persons and the real possibility of the man being killed on the spot.

:-)

managing my program

i mentioned in january how during the programs about corporate culture that i conduct, people had the tendency to use me as a target to ventilate, to throw their angst and dissatisfaction with their bosses. since then, i had experimented with different ways to minimize putting myself in such a position. and i think i am moving in the right direction!

i also noticed that most of the time, this ventilation happened during the start of the program when i tried to get my program participants to share with me their learning objectives. you see, for all my programs, i strongly believe in getting my learners to share with me their learning objectives. to me, what is important is that i focus on their learning needs rather than my training objectives. and i noted that it was during this period that all the tensions surface. 

initially, i had kept the activity and tried changing my tact when clarifying their learning objectives. but it didn't go well enough and i still end up with the same bad experiences. so for the last two programs, i tried removing this activity altogether. but to ensure i meet their learning needs, i simply take the efforts to ask the class more regularly whether what i have covered was clear enough for them. in addition, i made the efforts to iterate that if they have any queries about corporate statements, they should direct them to their bosses as corporate statements should be collectively owned by all leaders and not me/ my department. i had framed this as an on-going conversation that needs to be address collectively if there are areas that are not clear.

this technique seemed to work well. 

:-)

new medications

went to the mental institute last week to update the doctor about mum's mental health and told him about mum's increased suspicion of the maid. he listened intently, thought for a while and after a while, told me to increase the dosage of the medication. in addition, he prescribed a new medication to be administered if her behavior did not improve after a week. 

that was what i did. i have increased the dosage but her condition did not improve. in fact, her worsening behavior and suspicions of the maid was clearly demonstrated last week. and last night, i gave her this new medication. am not sure if it is really because of this medication, but her behavior this morning was really different. not only did she not show any hostility towards the maid, she was actually quite normal and happy, for that matter.

will continue to administer this medication to her for the next 2 days and hopefully her condition stabilize and does not create issues for my brother's family when she stays with them.

fingers crossed.

worsening behavior

mum's mental health took a turn for the worst last week. other than her increased forgetfulness, her suspicions of the maid had also increased.

what happened was that on wed evening when i returned from work, i found dinner's rice cooked. quite unusual cos lately i had been the one who did the cooking as she refused to eat what the maid cooked. and mum was not in her usual spot at the sofa watching tv. i called out to her and found her lying in my bed. she told me she didn't want to eat dinner. i queried about the pot of rice and she said she cooked it. but she didn't want to eat it as she saw the maid (she used some hokkien expletives to refer to the maid) putting in some "stuff" into it. she was convinced that the rice has been compromised and that if she eats it, she would be harmed.

i walked out and asked the maid what happened. here's what she said (which i believe). ah ma told me that she wanted to cook the rice and gone ahead to wash the rice and placed the pot on the stove. ah ma had put more than half a pot of water for the little rice she washed. i told her about it but she ignored me. so i took the pot and poured off some water cos if not the rice would be too soft. then ah ma got angry.

it was most unfortunate. anyway, i told the maid never to touch anything that mum cooked. if she had put in too much water, we could simply eat porridge. there was no need to insist on rice and pour the water off. i also found out that mum had asked the maid to turn on the stove for her.

i had to correct the situation and iterate a few points to mum. i threw away the pot of rice, put in new rice grains, showed it to mum that i am cooking a new pot. that sorted out the issue of "poisoned" rice. next, i queried mum firmly about why she did the cooking. i had time and again iterated to her not to cook and to leave all cooking to me. specifically, i had not allowed her to touch the stove. i have explained to her that many home accidents related to gas poisoning and/ or explosions in houses were related to elderly persons forgetting to turn off the stove fire. i asked mum who turned on the stove and she insisted it was her. i then made her demonstrate to me how she did it. naturally, she couldn't cos i had not taught her how to do it before. following that, i very firmly told her never to go near the stove anymore. she got my point well and clear.

it was quite challenging to have to do all the cooking after work, and her behavior made this a lot worst.  nonetheless, what came clear to me was that her suspicions of the maid had worsened.

sighs….

"i am scared"

i told mum about my upcoming visit to china last week. and once again, her anxiety is beginning to show. the usual asking of lots of questions, the usual increased forgetfulness, and the insomnia. and this morning, she repeated the same questions again… when are you going overseas? you going to malaysia right? what time will you be leaving?

and then she said, i want to go and stay at your brother's place. i am scared. i don't want to stay alone in this house. when you are not around, there is no man in the house and i am afraid of being alone. i don't want to go to the rehab center. i want to call the rehab center manager and tell her i don't want to go there…

well, it came out of no where and i must admit my initial reaction was one of disappointment and tension. i had made preparations for her for this visit and have also arranged for my sis to come over the cook for her during my absence. but well, i didn't let my tensions show. i simply told her that i will make the adjustments and send her to my brother's place on tuesday evening after work.

with this development, i have gotten busy again rearranging things. let's hope things don't go awry like it did the last time she stayed there…

over-confident?

expecting a super a hectic fortnight ahead. even my chief asked me if i am over-stretching myself. so many things to conduct and so many materials to prepare and develop. two major events stood up. firstly, the training in china this coming week and secondly, the workshop in the following week. 

for the training in china, it will be done on thursday. although the topics have been developed, i have not done done the final step of reviewing the materials and contextualizing it to the chinese audience. to do so, i need to use local examples and case studies for the program. also, i need to research about the local culture and the people from there. i need to do this to allow me to better connect with the participants and to make the training more meaningful for everyone. as for the workshop, it will involve about 80 pax and they come from all over asia pacific. again, i have not developed the materials other than coming out with the broad program topics.

so, here i am. merely a couple of days from the event and not totally prepared. admittedly, i have given myself some time to prepare but the progress has been totally slow. apart from doing a lot of thinking and framing, i have not really gone into the handwork of developing and assembling my materials. and i ask myself why am i not panicking yet? i do wonder why this lackadaisical attitude? why am i procrastinating? am i being over-confident? 

i donno. it is true that i have never failed to rise to any occasions when it comes to training. that every time i am faced with such challenges, i will always deliver and deliver very well. and somehow, my materials will be ready when the time comes. 

but this time round, i am even surprised with myself…

let's see how…

hectic times

i will be a very very relieved person two weeks from now.

my schedule for next two weeks are totally packed to the brim. this coming week, i will be conducting a one-day training monday, 2 medical appointments on tuesday and will be in china from wednesday to friday. and next week, similarly, i have to conduct day-long trainings on monday and tuesday, a department discussion on wednesday and to conduct a network-wide workshop for some 80 pax on thursday. and with so many things on my plate, i am still required to do my daily work and, not to mention, develop the materials for the china training and the workshop...

i will be totally dead beat when friday comes two weeks later! arghhh…

wish me luck!

mystery of mh370

it's been more than a week since mh370 disappeared. and from najib's statement yesterday, the mystery deepens. it seemed like someone had hijacked the aircraft (although najib did not use the term hijack per se). the attention has been redirected to investigating the background of the crew and passengers. search and locate operations in the south china seas has also been stopped.

it is also interesting to see all the reactions of different people through the week. naturally for the relatives and friends of the passengers and crew, it was a difficult period. it must have been really heart wrenching to have to wait in vain for any leads in the investigations, that many a times led to no where. and i can also empathize with the malaysian authorities in handling this challenging situations.

worst of all, i can see lots of unconstructive comments by many everywhere. too many people come across as being nothing more than smart alecs or worst still, wet blankets. sighs, its very sad to have such people, but i do recognize that they exist. this world will be so much a better place if they do not exist. then again…

i simply wish the investigators all the best and continued strength for the friends and families of those affected.

sinus drying up

it's been almost two weeks since i started the daily course of sinus nasal pump, and medications for stomach bloatedness. seemed to be working rather well… my nose is drying up and the tendency to cough is much less. i guess the doctors are right in their diagnosis. nonetheless, will be going through the series of tests this week.

let's see how things go.

:-)

mandarin

i will be heading to china to deliver my program next week! this training had been delayed since last month.

and after agreeing on the date and settling the administration etc, the request came in - can you do it in mandarin? or better still, cantonese... errrr... so now, admin all settled, but trainer not prepared, nor capable!

arghhhhh...

mh370

an mas plane, mh370, disappeared over the weekend and there has still been no signs of the plane. from the looks of it, it seemed like it had crashed into the sea and all 239 of the people on board perished. when i first heard of this news, i felt sad. it reminded me of the year 2000 when sq006 crashed in taipei, taiwan; and also of silkair mi185 when it crashed into the muss river, indonesia in the late '90s.

i was an executive in sia cargo when sq006 crashed. when the news came in, the mood of the whole company was really down. the days that followed were really difficult time for all of us. but we did what we needed to do and within a day or two, we got the control center up and running. many of us volunteered to man the place 24/7. and we got ourselves totally organized within 2 days. i must say that for many of the guys involved, it was kinda second nature cos the whole set-up and sops of routine reporting etc were all so similar to how we were drilled while we were in the army. and efficient as we were, the management of the crash and the people involved was really difficult. we experienced the best and the worst of human nature. there were heroes who came forward to offer assistance unconditionally as there were people who tried to exploit the situation by claiming they were relatives of victims in their attempts to claim the goodwill compensations offered. it was tough handling such people as we tried to verify their details. we were so glad all of us got through the ordeal well. i believed sia got out of the incident a lot stronger and a lot more prepared to handle any incident since.

as the search and recover missions continue, i do pray that the family members and friends of all those affected remain strong and that there can be a good closure for everyone. it is one thing to lost a loved one in an incident like this, but it is a totally different thing if the plane is not found and there is no closure at all.

gay-themed storybooks

i started reading gay-themed books after getting to know james. and since then, i had purchased more than ten such books. the storylines of these books are all rather frivolous and to a large extend to fulfill the gagmen's imagination. it was a huge thing in the late-90s before online gay literature became popular.  

over the years, i had kept all these gay-themed storybooks in my cabinet and had wanted to get rid of them many a times previously. but for sentimental reasons, i didn't do it. admittedly, i had toyed with the idea of throwing them away but aborted the idea eventually as it was against my principles. books are sacred and we should never get rid of them, even if they are gay-themed. a book is a book. (yup, you may laugh at me, but well…)

and so today, as i was clearing my cabinet, i finally decided to do it. i posted a status update in a popular local gay-forum about giving the books away to whoever is interested. within an hour, a message came in. i am keen to have to books. the message read… we exchanged a couple of message and contact details. i will be handing these books to him tomorrow…

:-)

moisturizer

these few weeks, i have noticed that mum has an increased tendency to forget things, even the most basic things that she has been doing for the longest time. and over the last few days it was really ultimate, kinda funny if you ask me. but well, she has started to confused the two different products that she uses regularly, namely, the oil of olay and the tiger balm gel.

you see, mum has been using the oil of olay moisturizer for many many years and her routine was to apply the moisturizer to her face after her shower in the afternoon as well as in the evening before she retires to bed. as for the tiger balm gel, she started using it about 2 years ago for the pain she feels in her knees. and gradually over time, she has started using the tiger balm gel on her chest to relief her chest congestions, on her temple to relieve her headache, as well as any other parts of her body that she feels ache/ pain. and so, it was with great amazement, and amusement when i see her applying tiger balm gel all over her face.

initially, when i saw her apply it onto her forehead, i thought she was having a really bad headache. but when she started to apply more and more of it over her whole face, i got worried. i queried her about it and she said she was apply her facial cream. when it dawned upon me that she had confused between the two, it hit me that her condition had worsened…

well… it could only get worst, that is my belief. 

lego movie

bee had wanted to watch mr peabody and sherman and i had done an internet booking for it. but in the end, we watched the lego movie instead. after all the positive reviews, i felt it would be too wasteful not to watch it. and we managed to get the movie changed at the last minute.

the movie did not disappoint. well, it started off a little slow, and i felt it was a little disjointed, but the pace picked up as the show progressed. i must say i was not surprised by the ending. i had seen it coming. and i thought the show brought out all the lessons about perseverance, believing in oneself, daring to try, etc etc etc. would be all too cliche for me to list them down, but well… despite all the life's lessons that had been in-built into the show, i was glad it did not come across as preachy.

it was a good show and we enjoyed ourselves.

:-)

fondling private parts

what freaking bad english…

it's one thing to "force someone at knife point to fondle your private parts" and another thing altogether to "fondle private parts with knife". this cabbie must have balls and cock of steel to force someone to fondle his private parts with a knife. that was my thought when i first saw the title.

i am totally speechless with the author's terrible english. for that matter, and without sounding like i am generalizing, i am really seeing an increasing trend of bad english these days in the news… then again… hmmm, maybe this is a low-down tactic to increase readership? well, whatever the case, bad english has no place in news. period.

heh heh...

previous companies

i seldom like to write about my ex-employers. but recent few weeks were very interesting. two incidents happened that made me even more convinced i made the right decision to leave my previous employer.

first incident. it was during the lunar new year break when one of the current staff (who join the company after i left, and whom i knew since i was in the military service) contacted me. and he told me "management wanted me to review (xxxx) and wanted me to revert to him on 6 feb. since you were the one who developed it, please submit to me a write-up by 6 feb." i was really speechless. yup, i have heard from people inside how the unit was given a good trashing my top management over mishandling of some talent-related matters and that my name had been mentioned as having put in excellent work when i was there. but to get a request (that sounded more like an order) was the last thing i had expected. what audacity to ask me to do things for the company now! i simply tell him i do not want to be associated with the company ever again and that he should never ask me to do anything for them. nonetheless i shared with him my thoughts and emailed some reference materials to him. thought that was the least i could do to help him. people said i was too nice.

second incident. when i was there, i spend a lot of time strengthening the unit and formalizing a lot of training programs and getting them recognized by the government. but i had obstacles doing it for service training becos of a specific character. over time, i learned to avoid service-related issues. two weeks ago, i got a call from this character. she said management wanted her to partner government agencies to formalize the in-house service training as part of the existing national framework. and she asked me how to do it and went further to ask me (almost demanding to know) why i didn't do it when i was around. hmmm… i was like, hey, when i was in there, that was exactly what i wanted to do and you told me to hands off cos you specifically warned me against encroaching into your areas. and for that matter, your unprofessional behaviors directly contributed to 2 of my managers quitting back-to-back and now… well, of cos, i didn't say all these things la. i simply gave her some suggestions as to how to proceed. 

it had been a while since i left and i still get occasional calls from different departments asking for my views of how things are to be done. well, on one hand, i am happy that the people on the ground whom i had worked with continued to place their trust and believe in my advice. but on the other hand, i couldn't help but feel a slight sense of wonder with regards how the management continue to retain some very incompetent people within their ranks. ok, shan't talk too much. just very glad i left.

specialist check-up

went for my respiratory specialist check-up today. the doctor agreed with what the doctor from the polyclinic assessed last week and ordered for a couple of tests as a follow-up later this month… so i will be going for a spirometry test and a metacholine challenge test before heading back to the respiratory specialist for another follow-up review. in addition, she also scheduled me for a follow-up with the ent specialist to "ascertain if there are anything nasty inside my nasal cavity".

from the way she describe and the way she skirted the topic, it was clear to me that she was avoiding the word "cancer". that is kinda interesting cos all my doctor friends tend to give me all possible scenarios including cancer. and also, for the metacholine challenge test, i was made to sign an acknowledgement form that i am aware of the risk. apparently, it can be rather taxing and in very rare cases, may be fatal due to sudden trigger of asthma. but well… i am very sure it wouldn't happen to me.

i left the hospital with a whole bag of medications to last me 2 months. and i was also kinda tickled by the fact that these days, doctors are so specialized in their respective areas that they have to refer patients to different specialists to seek opinions of different things - in my case, respi + ent. and so i walked out of the hospital with a total of 4 new appointments for the next 1.5 months, and that makes it a total of 6 appointments, considering i have 2 existing one for my urology and orthopedic follow-ups.

hmmm…

mum's discharged

mum was discharged yesterday. this was probably one of the longer stay in the hospital for her. 6-days in all. if i recall correctly, the longest previously was 5-days. well, it didn't matter. what's important was that she's well enough to come home. but there was one boo-boo… the pharmacy forgot to give us the anti-biotics. haiz...

anyway, this time round it was interesting (in a bad way) cos for previous hospitalizations, she came home with little memory about all the tensions with maid or myself. the stays somehow made her forget all the short term tensions she had with people around her and we had a good and peaceful time when she returned. but this time round, she didn't. she came home and before we knew it, she got suspicious about the maid… 

haiz… but well, lets look at the bright-side. she's ok. 

:-)

gay readers

looking at the number of hits for my blog postings, what can you conclude about titles that motivates people to read this blog and the profile of my readers? 

hmmm… another one of my frivolous experiments/ observations… 

panicky maid

last evening while visiting mum… in the quietness of the ward, a maid voice rang through. she exclaimed over the phone: 

"sir! ah ma missing! ah ma run away!"

that very moment, every one around the ward turned and look at her. and for me personally, i didn't know whether to believe or not; or to laugh or not…

:-)

ps: of cos it was not the case, from the calm responses by the ward nurses and the maid that left the ward and did not return, i could only conclude that it was most likely a case of the maid going to the wrong ward or that the ah ma had probably been discharged earlier.

pompeii

watched the movie "pompeii" with bee over the weekend.

frankly, i must say it was the word "pompeii" itself and its reputation of wiping out a whole community (or city) during the ancient times, and not the story that made us watch the show. sure enough, the star of the evening was the volcano (and if i may add, the princesses' horse, haha).

the story itself was rather straight forward and thus very suitable for a brainless entertaining evening. broadly, it revolved around a slave and the princess of pompeii, how they met, fell in love and the tribulations they went through before they finally got together, just to be killed by the exploding volcano. sad right? but i must say, i enjoyed the computer effects. thought it was really well done other than occasions where the proportions were off (e.g. the people at the far end of the stadium were disproportionately larger in size). heh…

i had an entertaining evening nonetheless. 

ps: if i want to be critical, i can start off by being cynical about how the cameraman and the camera used to shoot the show was really solid as they survived the volcano and its hot molten lava… then again, it was just a show. so let's just enjoy it as that… haha...

the timekeeper

it must be one of my new record. i completed the book in less than 24 hours. it was a very easy and a very engaging read. typical magic of mitch albom. and no, i am not going to write a review about the book, that would be too stressful for me at this time of the night. all i am gonna say is this - if you want something light, simple, engaging and that builds up as you read, this is the book you want to get. mitch albom has not failed me although i must say it wasn't as engaging as some of his previous books. this book makes my one day leave worth it.

latest twist

since yesterday, mum has gotten unhappy with eldest sis - the one who refused to talk to me since dad's demise 5 years ago. mum is now very convinced that she didn't have her well-being at heart, judging by her continued failure to visit her at the hospital…

to mum, since eldest sis is a housewife and that her daughters are either married or working, she should be very free. and given her habit of meeting up with her friends to chit chat daily, mum cannot understand how she cannot afford the time to visit her… so… anyway, i didn't want to give any opinions about eldest sis and her absence. it is probably not an appropriate thing to do i thought. 

whatever the case, these tensions with eldest sis seemed to distract her from her unfounded suspicions of the maid and me. thus, for now… it means peace for me… 

ironically.

poppers

drove along east coast parkway (ecp) yesterday after visiting mum. as i passed by katong park, i turned my head and saw the chain of condos along meyer road. and for that moment, quick flashes of the past crossed my mind. it was a mix of visuals as well as "feel", if you know what i mean. some things could just be felt but never visualized. and for me, what i felt for that very split second was my first poppers experience. i was not sure why but this feel just shot by that very split second.

flashback. late-1990s… at where the condo stands today and fronting the katong park was katong park hotel. katong park was a superbly popular cruising ground for gaymen and many would congregate at the park itself and many others would head to the dark corners underneath the fort road flyover of the ecp. i was one of them. i had just came out and i was experimenting and savoring the new experiences of cruising and picking up/ being picked up by people. and i spend many a nights alternating between fort road, katong park, and tanjong pagar, where old dilapidated shophouses stood.

back to katong park hotel. it was around that time when the hotel closed down and news were going around that residential units would be built. and during the period before the reconstruction of the residential units, the whole place was dark and entrances into the hotel building were locked. nonetheless, access into the ground floor car park was still open and it was in the dark corners of the car park that many gay men would stand around, waiting for their pick/ to be picked. and it was there that i first experienced poppers.

now without going into details, i remembered i drove my car into the car park and parked it at a corner. it was pitch dark and i dare not move too close to the wall. there was limited space and i was the only car there. when my eyes got accustomed to the darkness, i noted someone standing beside my car. from the silhouette, it looked like a fine young specimen of a person and soon enough, he opened my car door and stepped in. things got physical and before i knew it, he placed something onto my nostril and instinctively, i took a sniff. it smelled sweet and nice and almost immediately, my heart was beating like crazy, i felt light-headed and my whole body felt warm. the feeling was superbly intense and for that moment, i couldn't care if the whole world stopped. i didn't realize i was experiencing my first high. and i never knew what was the thing that gave me that intense feeling until many many years later… ok, enough said. no need to go further… 

that was my first experience with poppers.

as i said, some things cannot be visualized. you can only imagine the feeling. and for me, this was it. i am not sure why i was reminded of this. it had been decades ago… but, for that very split second, i remembered. i refocused my attention back to the road and continued my drive home. a little puzzled.

tailspin

mum's behavior yesterday went into a tailspin… and i was at the receiving end of her tantrums throughout the day. thankfully, the day ended ok. here's what happened.

i was at the clinic doing my medical review when she called in. she was clearly very upset and was almost shouting away once i picked the call. accordingly, she said a group of nurses came in to the ward in the wee hours of the morning, woke her up from her sleep and without telling her what they were doing, they forced a series of injections onto her. she said these nurses were new student nurses and were not qualified to administer injections. and becos they were not qualified, they caused her pain that lasted till now. and she went on and on and on non-stop about how unqualified they were, how they forced themselves on her, how they deliberately hurt her, and insinuated that they were out to harm her.

i assured her that everything should be ok and that she should trust the hospital staff. but nothing could get into her head. and she continued shouting and screaming out all the allegations. i knew i couldn't convince her of anything and thus asked her to talk the the doctor. we hung up and a while later, she called me again and repeated everything that she said. apparently she had told the doctor of the "ill-treatment" but the doctor didn't respond to her other than smile and walked off (i seriously doubt the doctor would do this). i tried to explain to her again and she refused to listen. and so i raised my voice and told her to not behave as such, that she should talk to the nurses and doctors calmly if she wanted them to explain to her what happened. again she refused to and continued with her bad behavior.

i decided against talking to her and asked her to pass her handphone to the nurse-in-charge. i asked why the injections and why was it that mum was so upset. from the nurse, i came to understand the whole situation. there were in fact no injections. apparently, mum did not pass any urine the day before despite having had her daily intake of fluids. and her inability to urinate continued through the night. by morning, fearing that there would be complications, the ward nurses requested for assistance from their team members and administered the catheter to allow urine to be drained. after the whole explanation, it made sense to me. mum had mistaken the catheter to be injections and that her claims of new nurses were becos she couldn't recognize the nurses that administered the catheter. also, the process could cause a little discomfort or trauma especially if the urethra is dry and thus the painful sensation. 

i explained the process to mum and assured her that it was something necessary to be done. with that understanding, she changed her lines and continued screaming that they should not have come in the morning and disturb her sleep, that they should have explained the whole process to her, that she was not at fault and that all the fault was theirs etc etc etc… well, she has a point about explaining the procedure to her. i knew it was not possible to calm her down regardless of what i said or explain. in the end, i left her alone. 

mum's bad mood continued throughout the day. it didn't help that i had send in my car for repair and couldn't visit her in the afternoon. added to that my brother was tired and my eldest sis told her she was busy… what it meant was that no one could visit her during lunch time. this further aggravated her and she went on to dump all her frustrations onto me throughout the day. it was clear she was very upset. by evening, when i visited her, her face was totally black and she refused to talk to me. sighs… i smsed my siblings and suggested for them to call her and talk to her. 

interestingly, when she spoke with them she sounded ok, said she was alright and insisted there was no need to visit her. but once she hung up, she would complain about their absence. from her self-talk, it was clear she was extremely unhappily with eldest sis. apparently, eldest sis said she couldn't visit her due to tons of housework, but when she called her in the afternoon, my brother-in-law told her she was taking her afternoon nap. she went onto her self-pity mode and lamented how bad a life she had, that she went through so much hardship to bring up my eldest sis only to end up with my eldest sis not wanting to visit her now that she is in the hospital. 

second sis was with me when this happened and was kinda shock to see it. she didn't seemed too convinced previously when i told her about it. thus, i was glad it happened when she was there for the experience hit her how different the two sides of mum was like. and for that moment, she understood what i went through. thankfully, after a long while of cajoling, mum kinda got herself composed.

what a stressful saturday for me…

glad it ended ok.

allergic nasal rhinitis

headed to the clinic for my half-yearly medical check-up. it was a good learning experience for me for i learned a lot more about why i tend to have health issues towards the end of the year.

otherwise, i was given the "all ok" pass. nothing too serious that need to be concerned about. as part of my update to the doctor, i told the doctor about my recent prolonged cough/ cold and respiratory issues and that i had been scheduled for a follow-up at the respiratory clinic next week. and after describing the symptoms, he said it could be due to allergic reactions. interestingly, he asked a simple question - does your family have a history of asthma and skin problems/ eczema? i thought about it and replied in the affirmative. yes, my brother has asthma, my paternal grandma, my dad and almost all his siblings, all my biological siblings all has skin problems and are prone to very bad skin eczema. i am one of the very few who does not have skin issues (in a way, i am very lucky).

with my input, he concluded that my prolonged cold/ cough could be due to an allergy and that the back-flow was a result of the body's reaction to this allergy, otherwise known as allergic nasal rhinitis or commonly known as sinus. i reflected on this and somehow all things kinda clicked. skin eczema and nasal back-flow are all manifestations of allergic reactions, he explained. this is often found to be hereditary and could be seen in families across generations. the doctor explained that individuals may show one or two or both symptoms but mostly, these are non-life threatening and could be treated with medication when the symptoms appear. or better still, symptoms could be preempted if the causal factors are known. 

and as for me, my nasal back flow tend to get worst towards the year end wet season and would last through till after lunar new year every year. thus, the doctor suggested i could consider starting on a course of steroids even before the annual wet season starts.

it was an enlightening visit.