i have decided to christen 2009 as the year where things begin. i had previously toyed with the idea of using terms such as "transition", or "endings" but decided otherwise. i think the term "beginning" has a more positive slant to it. then again, the term is neutral. it can also be used to depict the starts of things negative. whatever it is, i think the descriptor "beginnings" is an appropriate one. this was exactly 2009 had been - the beginning of many things, both good and bad. before i go on, it would also be appropriate to mention here that one big theme for this year was my departure from service. this itself was a defining moment of my life. since leaving service, i have been giving myself a lot of self down-time before i look for my next job. thus, many of the events that happened or that i have committed my resources to (such as time and effort) was due to the fact that i had a lot more time to myself. ok, let me now start my reflections on 2009 - 'the year of beginnings'.
family
compared to 2008, 2009 was relatively smooth. however, i can't say it was uneventful. it had it's fair share of ups and downs, many of which took us (or me at least) by surprise.
firstly, 2009 marked the beginning of a downward process where my mum's well-being is concerned. she was diagnosed with dementia in sep this year. while we were told it was only mild, we were given a taste of how bad things could be when she suddenly just went blank for a couple of days. given the fact that i had just left service, i told myself i need to commit myself to look after her as much as i could. i would visit her almost every other day. i believe this would slow down her dementia process and hopefully, allow her to have a smooth start in the long journey into her twilight years. so far, things have improved. in addition to this big news, the year also saw her health deteriorated further. she went through at least 2 near-death incidents that required her to be hospitalised for at least a week each. also, to relieve her excruciating pain in her knees, she went through another round of total knee replacement in aug for her left knee. it had been more than 4 months and she still feels pain. frankly, i am not optimistic about her getting a full recovery from this operation. we mark the end of the year with mum still being hospitalised for a lung infection. going forward, i think 2010 will continue to see more challenges with my mum's health. i will make sure she age as comfortably as she possibly could.
as for my siblings, our relations have remained somewhat unchanged. my eldest sis continued her silent war against me. i guessed she has not got over my refusal to let her convert my dad before he passed away last year. i stand by my belief that it is totally unethical to force a person to convert at the moments before he dies. what more when my dad has reiterated many a times that he didn't want to convert. as for my second sis, we continued to be on very warm terms. our interactions increased this year and in a way, i have become some sort of a listening ear to her when she had any problems. as for my brother, my relations with him remained somewhat cold and hot. it's very inconsistent and many a times, it seemed like i am at the mercy of his anger. but after having gone through the last 2 years, i think i am beginning to see a pattern. i believe that underneath all the angst, he is a good person at heart. i think he has his issues with mental models and stuff that shaped his high defenses and character, but if we were to see beyond these, he has his positive points. in oct this year, he pulled a big surprise on all of us - he got married. one moment i was visiting my mum and next moment he appeared from the room and introduce his then to-be-registered wife to me. i was also taken aback when he introduced me as his `good elder brother' to her. well, that occasion was a happy moment for all of us i must say, especially for my mum. anyway, i have decided that i should just maintain a cordial relationship with him. and to get things going smoothly, it would be easier to agree where there are convergence in thoughts, and keep quiet when there are disagreements.
relatives
there were 3 key events this year of which the highlight must go to the exhumation of my paternal grandparents. they were the common link that binds all my paternal side relatives together. apart from the interesting process that we went through, the very exhumation itself made me reflect through the whole notion of what it meant to be part of this extended family. it was very heartwarming to remember my relatives and the blood ties that binds us altogether. as for my grandparents, for after close to 40 years of physical separation in different graves, they now rest side-by-side in a common niche near to that of my dads'. while i felt a little sentimental about losing their graves, it certainly felt good to be able to see their photos being placed together on the niche.
the other 2 key events for the year was the passing of my eldest cousin (mum's side) and my uncle (my ah kor's husband). in a way, my cousin's departure was not unexpected since she was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer in dec 08. attending her wake and funeral allowed me to reconnect with my maternal side relatives all over again. this was something i did not get to do when my dad passed away last year (as my brother did not want to inform them of his demise). as for my uncles' demise, it came as a surprise. despite his old age, he has been relatively healthy and well. i guessed his time was up and if i may call it a consolation, he left us without much suffering. nontheless, his passing allowed another opportunity for us to congregate and to renew old ties.
friends
interestingly, my brother had time and again cautioned me against the whole idea of `friends'. his constant words were - friends are here only for your money, don't buy them dinners, don't spent money on them, don't... while i thank him for the words, i reckoned i have to interpret them in context - and to understand why he said all those words. for him, perhaps, i would go as far as to think that his suspicions of friends was becos of his many disappointments with people around him. and that, if i may add, could be an effect of his own very suspicious attitude towards them. but for me, friends will continue to be a layer of support for me. this had been the case for previous years. and this was the same in 2009. as usual, some new ones came into my life, while some faded away. those that stayed had more or less remained constant. and this year, their support and encouragement, especially during my past few months of unemployment, have been most appreciated. to these friends, i give my thanks.
health
i have long understood that when a person enters his 40s, his body will incrementally show signs of wear and tear. as such, i have made a deliberate decision to commit some resources to my health after i left service.
one key area that i had focused on was my spine. after a decade of cervical spondylosis and all the spine-related problems, i decided that it was time i pay some serious holistic attention to it. after reflecting through all the problems i had faced - ankles, knees, lower back, back, neck, arms, tennis elbow... - i concluded that they all stemmed from one common problem, and that is - my spine. apart from signing up for a chiropractic treatment package, i have also replaced my years-old mattress and pillow with something that could better support my back and my neck. i also had my sole pronation reviewed by the podiatrist, my orthotics replaced and undergone physiotherapy to rectify my tennis elbow. so far, things seemed to have improved.
but i must say that this year was not without any scares. for a start, when i left service, suddenly i was faced with issues such as blood in urine. as a result, i was referred to the urologist where i went through several tests. it was certainly a rude shock. luckily, the findings suggest that it was only a one off thing. and i half suspect that i had blood in the urine becos i took cranberry supplement together with vitamin c. this led to an overdose of salts in my system leading to bleeding in the kidney. the second scare i had was hypertension. during one of my regular checks, i was found to have a slightly higher than normal blood pressure. i was subsequently made to monitor my blood pressure for a period of 6 weeks. it turned out a false alarm and that my higher than normal blood pressure was due to the nsaids i had been taking for my tennis elbow. the blood pressure went back to normal after i stopped the nsaids.
so there. all in all, i think 2009 had given me my fair share of health scares. i will need to be more conscious of my health as i move into 2010 when i can be considered to be in my mid-40s - the period when things are known to fall apart.
work
work is one of the main highlight of this year as the year saw me end my 20-over years of service in the uniformed organisation. despite this, my last few months in the service was not without my fair share of hard work. in fact, with my past 4 years of experience in the college, i was tasked to write the training management plan of one the courses that the college conducts. in addition, i was also tasked redesign a military operations package, review a key module, undertake the role of an assessor for the leadership module as well as to write and formalize the internal validation for the college. in additional, i was also tasked to oversee all arrangements for the brief to chief in may. after spending many additional evening hours working on the tasks, i managed to complete all in good time. and i achieved them while concurrently undertaking the role of a syndicate administrator. my efforts in the college was given its due recognition when the college was awarded an excellence award for our efforts in national education - something that i had strategized and framed and painstakingly implemented over the last 2 years.
in a way, my departure in aug this year was a bitter sweet process for me. as i packed my stuffs, i was acutely aware that i would be leaving an organisation that i had given my life to. yet, on the other hand, i was bitter for the way it had mistreated, discriminated against and suppressed me becos of my sexuality over the past 4 years. frankly, i had very much wanted to print out all those correspondences i had with my security department since 2005 and to make them public to expose all the ugly stuff they did. but in the end, i decided to delete them all. i decided that i would be holding myself hostage for holding on to these memories and that it would be in my own best interest to just throw everything away and start life afresh. to hell with this homophobic organisation. i eventually left the organisation on 1 aug 09.
i was given my pension and my medical benefits, and for that, i should be thankful. i am now undergoing a sponsored career transitioning programme. come 2010, i will be starting my life working afresh. this time, i told myself, i will never join another uniformed organisation or any organisation that has links to mindef.
i look forward to this new phase of my life.
personal life
on the personal front, the key highlight this year was my taking of the refuge in buddhism. it was my first (ha ha... actually wanted to write 'my final step') and surest step towards my commitment to the teaching. actually, it had been more than a decade (or perhaps more) since i first thought of taking refuge. but my mum had time and again asked me to think about it deeply and to do so only when i am sure i want to do it. and this year, i finally did it. and i felt very happy to do it. somehow, after doing it, the sense of awareness and desire to want to be a good buddhist deepened. added to this, i also completed a beginners course on meditation. these were the more significant steps i undertook this year towards my spiritual well-being.
relationship-wise, bee and i completed our 4th year on stable grounds. we made our annual overseas trip in jun. we revisited western australia and it was one of the most relaxing holiday we've had for a long time. we are moving into our 5th year rather well. often, when i think about it, i can't help but reflect how stable things have been between us as compared to when i was with james. well, i shan't dwell too much on that... it's the past. and i think we do learn from our past...
finance-wise, things were a lot more easier compared to last year. in part, this was due to the retirement funds i obtained after i left service. the change in employment status and the anticipation that i will not likely enjoy the kind of pay i had previously made me relook at my financial commitments and review my financial planning for my future. i hope my decision to commitment parts of my funds into investments will reap me good returns especially when there are now so much uncertainties about the market.
conclusion
my past 4 plus months of unemployment allowed me to spent lots of time doing things i have never done before. these include reflecting on how i can move forward, spending good time with my mum, spending time with sapphie my dog, catching up with friends, sell mooncakes, and well, simply pamper myself. on the whole, i must say 2009 had been relatively good to me. fengshui books foretell that i should be seeing a better year ahead. let's hope it is... ok, that sounded a little passive. i think it would sound better if i say - let's make 2010 a better one!
:-)
adios 2009! bring it on 2010!
