mattress

decided to purchase a mattress earlier on. got a super firm one. one that is tops in providing a person with good back support. i thought i should give myself this little treat. come to think of it, we spend roughly one third of our 24-hr day in bed, yet we often do not give that kinda priority in terms of budgeting our spending when it comes to purchasing beds. just compare to the amount of monies we spent on our car yet spend only that small amount of time per day in the car. well you get the idea... anyway, the mattress i bought cost close to 2.5k. but after all the sale discounts, member privileges (additional discounts) la la la, i only need to pay 1.2K. i thought it was a good buy! so looking forward to its delivery this coming tuesday!

:-)

haruki murakami

started reading books by haruki murakami last week and found it a very pleasant read. the first book i read was "what i talk about when i talk about running". certainly could connect with lots of things he wrote. and it left me smiling many a times. and today, i started a second book by him called "after dark". very smooth reading and very engaging. so glad to be able to find a writer that i like. will be checking out more of his books! this is a complete review of the books he wrote.

:-)

unruly man

i learned something new about myself today. and i felt very good about it. i felt very powerful. i was able to control myself. you see, i met with the most unruly person and got punched by him. by his actions, i could have reported him to the police. but in the end, i decided to let him go. i decided to forgive and forget. and i came out of the episode feeling very happy. anyway, this was wat happened.

you see, i would bring my dog sapphie to the business park to walk almost on a daily basis. given that the path to the park and the park itself was rather deserted, i would usually let her run around without her leash. and i have been doing this for the longest i could remember and have never had any issues with anyone. for that matter, anyone who sees sapphie would somehow come and play with her instead. she is just so mild-tempered. anyway, linking this business park to my condo is a canal. and along the side of the canal is a small walkway. today, as i walked sapphie home, i saw this particular person walking towards me. he had his dog with him. at that time, sapphie was happily sniffing the grass by the side of the walkway. seeing sapphie unleashed, he stopped and pointed his fingers at me. sensing his apprehension about an unleashed dog, i immediately gave him an apology gesture and commanded sapphie to stay still. i then went up to her and leashed her. all these while, the man and his dog were some 20-30m away.

after leashing sapphie up, i proceeded to walk towards my condo (in the direction of the man and his dog). and to prevent sapphie from going to sniff the man's dog, i walked close to the canal barrier with sapphie between me and the barrier. i hugged close to the canal leaving the huge grass patch beside for the man and his dog to walk. as he neared me, instead of walking on the grass patch, he let his dog dashed between sapphie and i. next thing i knew, he leaned onto me. there was no where for me to move and i was pushed onto sapphie and against the canal barrier. within a split second, his dog pounced onto sapphie. at the same time, the man raised his arm, pressed his elbow onto my back, pushed me down and punched my back with his clenched fist. my immediate instinct was to hold onto the dog's leash to prevent him from hurting sapphie. but as the man had pushed me down, his dog's leash that i was holding tightened and the i felt his dog bite my hand. i had experienced something similar with sapphie biting my hand when she was a puppy and i immediately clenched my fist tight. this prevented the jaws from closing further. i was in a very precarious position - trying desperately not to pull the dog's leash too tight in case i strangle him yet exerting enough strength to resist a nasty bite and at the same time, trying to resist the burly sized owner's body from pushing me down.

it all happened very suddenly. instinctively, i pushed myself upwards, turned around and shouted at him. i managed to push the man off and as he fell back, i let go of his dog's leash. i demanded a reason as to why he punched me. he was really unruly. he turned around and started hurling all sorts of accusations at how i had threatened to attack his dog. and how he has responded in his dog's defense... i was so really fucking pissed off with him by then. despite being the aggressor, he had turned around and accused me. and i totally dislike people who do not admit their mistakes and twist their facts despite being the aggressor and in the wrong. my anger rose and we got into a very heated argument. he continued hurling his accusations...

after some 10-15mins, he finally admitted that he was in the wrong. i was able to objectively rebut every of his accusations. there was really no way he could over-argue me. i had been totally above board and clear in my mind about what i had done and what he could have done. and i guessed apart from my ability to point out the flaws in his arguments, the fact that my hand was also bleeding from his dog's bite also threw him off. he admitted he should not have done what he did. and that he had lost control of himself cos he had had a lousy weekend trying to train his dog.

after his apology, i continued giving him a lecture and asked him to think through all the wrongs and all the hostile things he did. at that time, i really needed to vent. i needed to release all the pent up frustrations and anger. apart from being pissed off with his unreasonable aggressiveness, i was also totally pissed off with his punch. never in my life was i ever hit by a person other than my mum. my half-scolding, half-lecturing rantings went on for a further 5-10 minutes or so.... and unknowingly, as i vented, i found my inner-self quietening down. in fact, as i vented, a voice in me was also telling me i need to find a way to exit this whole episode. gradually, my venting began to sound like a mak nenek (grandma) giving a small boy a long lecture... i ended by telling him i did not intend to make a police report but would like him to reflect on what he did. i thought it would have been more effective as a lesson for him.

at the end of the whole episode, i told him how much i had wanted and hoped to be able to know friends who are dog owners around the area and with whom sapphie could learn social skills. and that the experience today was certainly a highly negative one. by that time, i noted that he had also quietened down. he apologized again. i ended the whole session by wishing him a good walk with his dog...

yes, it might sound weird the way i ended this very hostile episode. but whatever it was, i certainly felt very good. very good for that fact that i was able to control myself and the situation. frankly, this was the first time in my life that i had physically got myself embroiled in a fight. one on one. for the longest time, i had known myself to be the type that would keep quiet when things go wrong and would explode violently when i hit my threshold. and when i blow, it could be really ugly. such eruptions of anger scare me. but today, i was in control. i chose to end the situation in a very controlled manner. and i walked out of the situation feeling very very good.

:-)

blood clots again

it's been a week since i had blood clots in my urine. and yet today, i have the same clots appearing... and the symptoms were the same. two-three days of very achy back before it appears. i think i really have to make the appointment to see the urologist again...

:-(

you raised me up

i blogged about my mum having been diagnosed with mild dementia some 4 months back. and recently she had had her total knee replacement re-done. it's been 2 weeks. and i have been corresponding with her on the phone almost daily as i was down with a flu. and through our phone calls, i sensed her dementia had worsened. you see, a couple of days back when i called her, she spoke to me in malay instead of the usual hokkien. and her speech slurred and occasionally she did not respond... i knew she had gone into a world of her own when that happened. yesterday, i felt my flu had cleared sufficiently for me to visit her. while i was not surprised, i was not really prepared to see and experience the magnitude to which her dementia had worsened.

when i arrived, she was seated on her wheelchair and her body was slumped forward. she was staring at the floor. and when i looked at her eyes, they were totally lifeless. the white of her eyes looked porcelain white and her pupils look glassy black. and they were both slightly damp. i called out to her and she looked up. yet her eyes did not seem to register my presence. despite looking at my direction, they looked like they were looking through me instead.

sighs...

pulling myself together, i spent the next 3 hours talking to her. i told myself i need to keep her mind active. and through the 3 hours, her memory swung to and fro between her youth to the current reality constantly. at one time, i was talking to my 77 year old mother and how her leg was hurting after the operation, and she would ask me to tell bee that he need to visit her, la la la. and then suddenly, she was a young girl ("is my mother home?" she asked); or as a young mother talking to me her teenage son ("how come you are not in school?")... and once a while, she'd totally forget about things ("who is su how?"). and our conversation would also be punctuated with her slipping into herself. when this occurred, she would just stare blankly into the air and i would end up talking to someone who was no longer around. yet, throughout the time, i had to constantly sound cheerful and engaged her at the level that would keep her going... actually, it was more like i was asking her a lot of questions and often, i had to answer the questions myself. i reminded her of her life, i got her to tell me about her past. and as we conversed, i massaged her bloated-up legs that had continued to pain her ("i don't understand, yesterday, my leg was fine, and today it is all bloated up and painful!"). and as we spoke, she teared non-stop as she could no longer control her tear ducts. once a while, she would try to wipe her tears but she could hardly hold on to the tissues. it was clear that she was also losing her ability to control her muscles.

the conversation was light and easy. yet, i felt a certain wave of emotions as i grappled with the thought that i was losing my mum as i spoke. that saddened me. a few times, i had to consciously hold back my tears from welling-up. frankly, i never know i was able to control my tear duct that well. but i had to. i could not possibly tear in front of her. after having heard about bee's grandma, i roughly knew what to expect. for now, mum could still sit in her wheelchair. but soon enough, she would be bed-ridden. the frequency where she would slip into herself would increase. and eventually, she would go into a state where she would totally be in a state of her own. that would be when we would lose her totally despite her being alive and well. and she would continue to be in that state until life expires on her.

i have time and again heard stories about how dementia sets in for some people not long after their spouse dies. and it tells me of the will-power that kept them going to look after their spouse in their final days. and when they go after their spouse dies, it was probably becos they see no more purpose and aim in their live. now, i see it happening to my own mum. i am sad. but as jason had mentioned before, they are not in pain per se, they are just in another state of consciousness altogether. the challenge therefore, is for me now to remind myself that i have to let her go. it is me that i have to manage. it is my own sense of attachment to her old self that is making me sad. instead, i should treasure this remaining moments with her and also to celebrate that fact that she has lived a good life. that she is ready to enter into this state should be taken as a sign that she has total faith in her childrens' ability to continue living our lives. with this in mind, i should make sure that her onward journey continues to be smooth and comfortable and that i must give her the confidence that we will go on. reflecting on how mum brought me up and how she had placed me in leadership roles in the family in my dads' absence, i guess i now have to also prepare my family and the domestic helper mentally as her condition deteriorates.

thinking of the days to come, i could only use the hokkien phrase the best sums it up: "li chi wa tua, wa chi li lao" or literally "you have raised me up, i'll take care of you till you die".

spam

damned it! some spammers stole my email yesterday and mass mailed my friends using my email! i so hate these spammers! how i wish some one out there could write programmes that would make spammer's computer jam and overload their own servers!

damned it!

meeting friends

this coming week, i've decided i should meet up with friends! been a long time and i really think i have very little friends whom i can go out with. i mean, yes, i have many friends. but as for friends whom i am comfortable with and that i can go out and have dinner with... hmmm... there are really not many. and for those few that i am comfortable with, it is really not very nice to be calling them out too often rite? then again, i really think i should go out and socialize a bit more. it's been a long long time since i did this. so... for this week, my dinner plans for the rest of the week have all been planned.

looking forward to them!

heh...

tired face

i don't understand this. recently, lots of people kept telling me i looked tired and haggard. but i have had enough sleep (too much at times) what? hmmm, or perhaps i slept too much (cos recently, i have been sick)? but well, it was a fact that i had been feeling rather lethargic and tired. hmmm... let's see. perhaps, i should take more vit c, start my exercise regime again now that my flu is almost gone...

blood clots

i don't like this. 3 months back i had bloodied urine. past two days, i felt a very achy feeling at my back around my right kidney area. and yesterday, i had blood clots in my urine.

:-(

ps: asked kl and he ruled out prostate and bladder issues given that i had just recently done the tests, the ct scan and the cystoscopy. so, that means it could most likely be stones in the kidney. hmmm...

chiropractor

i have been having all sorts of pain at my neck region, my lower back, la la la for the longest time ever. and i have visited sinsehs, doctors, orthopaedic specialists etc many times over since 1999. also, have been undergoing lots of physio during this same period. still, my pain didn't really disappear. some years back, james (my ex) suggested that i should try out a chiropractor given that one of his friends got his problems solved. but when i learned that it would cost something in the region of 4-5k, i decided against it. i couldn't afford it.

3 weeks ago, while at parkway with bee, we came across a roadshow by a chiropractor clinic. at that time, i have just had my backache problem cleared. but there was still the issue of overall general tightness and uneasy feeling through my whole back. and i thought perhaps i should check them out. admittedly, i was a little apprehensive. but i decided to sign up for an assessment and got my x-rays done. given the state that i was in, there was really nothing to lose.

and today, i went back to the clinic. and when i looked at my spine x-ray, i thought it looked really terrible! it was totally misaligned. a normal spine would look straight when viewed from the back/ front. but mine was curving all over. the neck region curved to the left, my thoracic segment was a slight 's' and my lower back/ hip bone curved significantly to the left. looked sideways, my neck was really straight! a normal neck would look curved. and looking at it, the reasons for all the pains i experienced when i walk, the awkward tightness around my chest area, the stiff neck, the strained shoulders, the uneven shoulders, all seemed so clear!

the doctor told me that my spine could be easily realigned but it would have to take time. after he explained to me the issues and the process of getting it back to normal, i decided to sign up for the package. i was convinced. i signed up immediately. the whole package covering 90 visits would cost me 4.8k. this time round, the cost didn't put me off as i had started this process with the clarity of mind that if there is anything i should invest in after getting my gratuity, it would be my health.

and i was put through one session immediately today. it was very good! all the bone alignment, twisting and so on. i was amazed at the doctor's skills. it was not painful. in fact, it was rather relaxing. and after some twisting, i felt better almost immediately. but i was told this would only be temporary and to get a more lasting solution, i need to do the treatment more frequently over a period of at least 3-6 months. and possibly another 3-6 months to maintain it as well as to strengthen the muscles around the bone so that it can hold the bones in their correct alignment.

well, the one-year treatment may seemed a long time. but compared to the more than 10 years of pain, i thought it was worth a try. and after this first session, i am already looking forward to the next one this coming saturday!

:-)

wait uncle scold

was at the clinic this morning to see the doctor for my flu. and while waiting, there was this little girl with her grandma and domestic helper. the little girl was no more than 3-4 yrs old and was very cute. and she was certainly a very active little devil who would climb onto almost everything, and pull brochures from every possible place she could lay her hands on. and one thing i found very funny was that her grandma and domestic helper would use scare tactics to control her. and they repeatedly went

hey hey hey, cannot anyhow take har?! wait auntie scold.

the good-natured auntie sitting next to them played along and gave the girl a stern look while waving her index finger at her. this trick certainly worked for the girl quickly ran to the domestic helper and asked her to bao bao (carry) her. but once auntie looked away, the nonsense would start all over again. and they would use the `wait auntie scold' trick again. and this went on for a while. until auntie left the clinic.

and with no more auntie around, the girl started her nonsense again. all these while, i was observing with my face covered with a mask. i felt rather amused. and with no more aunties, i naturally became the object of the threat. and the grandma and domestic helper automatically went

hey hey hey, cannot anyhow take har?! wait uncle scold.

and sure enough, it worked! even with my mask on, the girl obeyed. and of cos, i played along and pointed my index finger. it was quite fun actually. and i thought - hmmm, usually, parents would use the auntie or uncle scolding trick or worst, the mata lee-arred liao (local lingo meaning - "police catch" literally or "be arrested by police") trick. and i pondered - well, isn't this a very asian behaviour? thus far, in all the asian countries i visit, i see similar tricks being used. does such a trick reflect a deeper fundamental confucius-influenced psyche of asians - that one needs to obey the authority? that in not obeying the authority, one would suffer some very bad consequences?

well, whatever the case may be, such tactics work right away. yes it did. however, i am not sure if the kids understood what the correct behaviour should be. and i also wondered if this is the best way in the longer run. my own take is that using fear and/ or rewards to get kids to behave may not necessarily be a good thing. it makes them act only if there is fear or for that matter, the desire to gain something. an extrinsically motivated act will not work in the longer term. instead, efforts should go into educating the kids on what the correct behaviour is and to understand the consequences if he/ she were to misbehave. this process would make the motivation to behave properly comes from his/ her within. and this could only be done by consistent reinforcing of values and exemplary behaviour by adults. such a method might be slower and require a lot more patience, but in the longer run, it will create a child that knows how to distinguish what is right and wrong and is more confident of the limits as he/ she explores his/ her surrounding.

hmmm, i think i've read too much into such mundane things again...

:-)

of pets n family

yesterday, i learned through willie's blog that tony had put his dog bacon to sleep. it was something tony had to do given that bacon was suffering real badly from liver failure. i could imagine how difficult it was for tony to make this painful decision. bacon was only 6 yrs old. and from reading willies' blog, i could also sense willies' sadness.

i logged in to facebook and checked tony's profile and noted quite a few comments of condolences. most either expressed sadness or that they would have loved to play with bacon if they had the chance. i smsed bee and told him about it. he was shocked. bee also knew bacon for when bacon was a small puppy, bee was still putting up in the same house as tony. and bee would play with bacon.

to many people (especially those who do not keep pets), pets are no more than animals. it could even be a liability to many non pet lovers. the need to feed, clean, etc. but to many of us who has a pet at home, they are more than just animals. they are family. they are our constant companion. they give us unconditional love and attention. it doesn't matter whether it is a cat, dog, hamster, rabbit (yes, justin, i remember roger the rabbit) etc. the relationship that can developed between an animal and its owner (and/or friends) cannot be underestimated. it's passing can be a really traumatic event.

thinking about it, i felt sad. i also thought of sapphie. she is now coming to 10yrs old. and i can expect her to leave me in 3-5yrs. not too sure how i'll take it. she is my family and she had been with me since she was 6 weeks old. and she is probably the only living thing alive to go through with me the ups and downs of my relationships.

well, have constantly told myself that i will spent as much time as i can with her before her fateful day comes. told myself i shall not regret not spending enough time with her.

:-|

rhinestone cowboy

one of mum's all time favourite. would sing to her whenever i could as a small boy. this song reminds me of her.

the lyrics as follows:

i've been walkin' these streets so long
singin' the same old song
i know every crack in these dirty sidewalks of Broadway
where hustle's the name of the game
and nice guys get washed away like the snow and the rain
there's been a load of compromisin'
on the road to my horizon
but i'm gonna be where the lights are shinin' on me

like a rhinestone cowboy
riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo
like a rhinestone cowboy
getting cards and letters from people i don't even know
and offers comin' over the phone

well, i really don't mind the rain
and a smile can hide all the pain
but you're down when you're ridin' the train that's takin' the long way
and i dream of the things i'll do
with a subway token and a dollar tucked inside my shoe
there'll be a load of compromisin'
on the road to my horizon
but i'm gonna be where the lights are shinin' on me

like a rhinestone cowboy
riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo
rhinestone cowboy
gettin' cards and letters from people i don't even know
and offers comin' over the phone

like a rhinestone cowboy
riding out on a horse in a star-spangled rodeo

*** fade
like a rhinestone cowboy
gettin' card and letters from people i don't even know

key largo

heard this over the radio this afternoon and told myself i really need to find this. one of those songs from my teenage years!



the lyrics as follows

wrapped around each other
trying so hard to stay warm
that first cold winter together
lying in each others arms
watching those old movies
falling in love so desperately
honey, i was your hero
and you were my leading lady

we had it all
just like bogie and bacall
starring in our old late, late show
sailing away to Key Largo

here's lookin' at you kid
missing all the things we did
we can find it once again, I know
just like they did in Key Largo

honey, can't you remember
we played all the parts
that sweet scene of surrender
when you gave me your heart
please say you will
play it again
'cause i love you still
baby, this can't be the end

we had it all
(we had it all)
just like bogie and bacall
starring in our old late, late show
sailing away to key largo

here's lookin' at you kid
(here's lookin' at you kid)
missing all the things we did
we can find it once again, i know
just like they did in key largo

we had it all
(we had it all)
just like bogie and bacall
starring in our old late, late show
sailing away to key largo

lonely together

used to follow lots of barry manilow songs. and this one, i really love it so much. and frankly, i do at times imagine myself to be the one in the song...



and here's the lyrics

your eyes are sad eyes
mine are too
it doesn't take too much to see
what we've been through
you lost your baby
and me the same
ain't it true how
love's a hurtin' game

could i have this dance
may I be so bold
it's just my arms are empty
and the night is so cold

wouldn't it be fine
bein' lonely together
wouldn't it be fine havin'
a shoulder to share
you could tell me how he broke your heart
and I'll tell you how she broke mine
and maybe later on I could take you home
now wouldn't it be sad
bein' lonely all alone

a heart that's hurtin's
not hard to see
i guess he promised you the world
like she did me
but dry your eyes now
you'll be just fine
we can drown our achin' hearts
in this glass of wine

well I hate to say
what's done is done
it's just two can ease the pain
much better than one

*chorus

love
it's such a crazy thing
all you got to give and no regrets
but love
it can live again
stay with me tonight
i'll make it work out right

*chorus

bitchy me

i was terribly bitchy today. and it was due to my brother. you see, after fetching my mum and settling the outstanding bills, i sent an sms to my brother telling him that i had paid the outstanding (non-claimable from medisave) while the remainder would be deducted from his medisave. and next thing i knew, i received a whole lot of smses from him asking me (well, it was more like he was reprimanding me) why the hell i paid up for he had a prior agreement with the hospital that he would pay by installment. anyway, i told him i did not know abt it. and he demanded that i go back to the hospital to get them to refund me. i was damned pissed off by the whole thing...

now, abt the bitchy me part. i was driving from the car park to the block to pick my mum up and at the same time, my brother was sending me the string of smses non-stop. i was already feeling pissed off. and it so happened that the pick up point was also choked up by taxis. damned it! so, i pulled up at the reserved lot (beside the pick up lot where a taxi had parked) and signaled to the domestic helper to push my mum to my car. just then, an indian auntie (the road marshaller), came running to me and kinda told me off: "ai! ai! you cannot park here!" this was despite seeing my domestic helper already pushing my mum's wheelchair. i waved back and gave the body signal that i won't take long. capitalizing on my non-hostile response, she shouted: "next time you come back, you better not park here!" this final remark of hers made me burst. and i told her off: "there will not be another time! are you trying to tell me my mum will be hospitalized again!?" realizing she made a near-fatal mistake, she quickly pulled back. and so i continued unleashing my bitchy self: "are you cursing my mum!? if you are not pantang (superstitious), i am!". and our indian auntie applied her emergency brake, looked at me in the most apologetic manner and apologized: "oh, sorry la, sorry la... i don't mean that, sorry sorry ah..." and as she said this, she did the head-twisting gesture ala typical of all indians.

i noted that everyone was staring at our direction. and the taxis that were choking the place quickly vacated the lots. what the fuck! i thought. i was damned fucking pissed off at that very moment and the last thing i need was an auntie coming to me and stepped on my toe. then again, at the heat of the moment, i couldn't give a damned. once my mum got into the car, i slammed the door and i drove off.

as for the payment, after sending my mum back home, i went back to the hospital to talk to the admin. and some ding donging and explanations, the admin agreed that they would refund me, but this would be done only after my brother settle the necessary documentation for the installments. hmmm, looking at how he responded and how he disputed the final amount, i am sure there's gonna be some kinda commotion tomorrow. well, i'll leave it to him to settle.

ps: reflecting, i think i could have better managed my anger and not scream at auntie. but then, it certainly felt good to vent, really eased off lots of pent up anger.

out of hospital

will be fetching mum from the hospital later on! glad she'll be discharged soon! hmmm, think i also need to keep my mask on when i pick her. certainly do not want to pass my flu bug to her!

flooooooo

i am down with a floooooooooooooo...

hope, it is not the flu!

:-(

wat a week!

today is monday... and it's the start of a new week! have been out of job since 1 aug - that means, coming close to a month already. but seriously, i have been rather busy. busy with family stuff. busy with myself. of cos, there were times where i felt really bored. but on the whole, it feels good. for once in my life, i choose to be aimless. i choose to live my life as it comes. and despite the hectic schedule, i actually found it rather fulfilling.

last week was especially busy for me. my uncle's sudden demise caught me off guard. i felt the necessity to attend the wake and the funeral. don't ask me why. perhaps it was becos i felt need to represent my dad, but perhaps, i felt it was one of those rare occasions where i could spent some good times with my relatives. funerals, sad as it might be, gives this wonderful opportunity for family (and extended family) to get-together, bond and re-connect. and that was exactly wat i did. it was good talking to my cousins. it was good to get to know them. admittedly, through my 42 years, i did not really have the time to talk to them.

also, i was busy with my mum too. running around to visit her after her op. she has come about after the op but is still resting in the hospital. but i am glad that she came out of the op better.

all these running around and late nights has taken a toll on me. found myself down with flu these two days. my cold sore has broken up too and i now have to nurse an awkward sore on my lips. also, my body is not responding to good to it. apart from the body aches (arghhh!), my tennis elbow has worked up again. need to head to the chiropractor this thur. hope to be able to get some relieve.

it's a new week. and i have made some appointments to meet up with friends. something that i have not done for ages. i need to catch up with them. i need to re-connect with my friends.

:-)

post-op 2

visited my mum earlier on. despite the discomfort and pain she felt at the operated areas, she was rather cheerful. and while i was there, the physiotherapist came and helped her do some simple leg/ knee exercises. and it was good to note that she was able to bend her knees and stand up.

simple steps, simple achievements, but a world of difference compared to what she was like just 2 days back. we were also given her old knee joint (the prosthetic), and while it looked perfectly fine to my untrained eye, i also noted there were scratches on one side of it. and for a metallic prosthetic to be scratched to this extent while it was still inside the body tells me my mum must have experienced one helluva pain before her op.

i am glad the op is over.

:-)

post-op

so happy. got an sms from my bro that my mum had come out of her op last evening. and once she was changed up, she called me on my handphone. it felt real good to be able to talk to her again! and the first thing she told me - she was hungry!

:-)

my funeral

talking abt funerals, i think i better state here in my blog how i want my own funeral to be. yes, to many, it may sound morbid. but i think it is only morbid if you allow yourself to see it as such. personally, i see it as being responsible (on my part) to make things clear so that my loved ones will know how to manage my affairs after i leave.

first and foremost, it will be a buddhist funeral. just a simple coffin, vegetarian offerings, nightly prayers. and of cos, i would like to be dressed in my buddhist robes. the wake will be a simple 3 or 5-day affair to be decided by my loved ones, whichever is more convenient. there will be no taoist frills, this means, no joss papers, no paper dolls, no paper houses, no white candles, not green joss sticks etc.

i also want a sea burial. that is to say, i want to be cremated and after that, my ashes is to be scattered at sea. yes, it will cost more, but there will be no need to maintain a columbarium niche and so on.

simple and straight forward.

:-)

ps: just looked through my blog's past entries and it seemed like i have blogged this before some 2 years back. very similar content. and yes, i also asked for the song tender by blur to be played during my funeral. well, ok, ok, if it sounds totally off for a funeral, then play it during my wake. heh heh...

wakes & funerals

attended my uncle's wake yesterday. and as before, it's a time for family gatherings. i know, i have blogged this before... but i often find it sad of late that our families gather only when there is death. but i supposed this is the nature of things. it's a family's journey through life thing.

yes, one can argue that all we need is to make the effort and to organize extended family gatherings. but i supposed it is easier said that done. the bonds that bind the generations and the extended family were forged/ exist at the layer that is leaving us, certainly not at my layer.

and certainly, just as i got one helluva good at wedding practices a decade or so ago after being one too many times a bestman, i think i am now getting very good at practices at wakes and funerals... red strings, groundnuts, drinks, sweets, la la la... and i certainly do not take pride in them.

mum's op

mum went into the op theatre at 1.30pm earlier. she called me at 12.30pm telling me that she will be going in soon. it's hard to sound composed and reassuring while inside me, i am also breaking. yes, i know it is not a difficult op. yes, i know it is a rather straight forward procedure and that she will be fine. that was something that i have been telling her and reassuring her too. then again, all op come with a certain level of risk. the what ifs... i felt a lump at my throat when she said goodbye and hung up the phone.

she should be out of the op by now. it's projected to be a 3-hr affair. this will be followed by a few hours of observation in the op theatre before she will be sent back to the ward.

hope to be able to see her tomorrow.

:-|

wat a day!

it's a happy and sad day.

early this morning, brought my mum to haircut and perm. she was very excited and happy. need to do this before she goes for her op tomorrow. she'll be admitted tomorrow at 10am and the op is expected to start at 2pm. and so, as a treat before her op, i brought her to eat the east coast prawn mee and the ngoh hiang after her perm. could see she was very excited and enjoyed the meal.

then again, it was a sad day cos i learnt from my mum that my uncle (my father's brother-in-law) passed away last afternoon. shocking news cos he has all along been very healthy. understood that he passed away without any sickness or signs and that he was taken away after easing himself in the toilet. sighs... then again, it was a good thing that he left us peacefully. may he rest in peace.

i guessed i have come to the age where my dad's generation will slow leave us. just in this last one year, i've had to attend 3 funerals - my dad, my cousin, and now, my uncle.

the tide of time is really pushing my generation upwards. i can feel it.

knee op

mum will be undergoing her total knee replacement op again in two day's time. this is to replace her old knee given that it has already worn out as it has been more than 10yrs since it was fixed. despite her age, it's a no choice op given that she is in real pain and that an increased dosage of painkiller will also affect her other organs yet not give her the relieve she seeks. so, after resisting op for so long, she finally accepted it and agreed to undergo the procedure.

the op will happen in 2 days' time. and given the h1n1 control measures, only 4 registered persons will be allowed to visit her. so, after registering my bro, the maid, my sis and my bro-in-law, that means i will not be able to see her until after she is discharged from the hospital.

and i can see that mum has been getting increasing very worried about the op these last couple of days. she kept relating that her friend died during the second op. well, i guess i have to keep assuring her that things will be ok and that she should hopefully be able to experience less pain after the op.

anatomy of a disaster

so far, have witnessed so many disasters and observed how communities respond to it. and i conclude the following as a typical anatomy of a community's response to a disaster after it happens.

shock
realization
disbelief/ denial
anger
acceptance
recovery
closure (altho some may not have closure)
life goes on...

it's the same again and again. and the latest disaster is that of the typhoon morakot that struck taiwan and southern china. the same pattern could be seen. at this point, i think it is still in it's anger/ acceptance stage. and this is a very difficult stage as emotions run high during this stage. not easy for the government and the rescuers. nothing will be right no matter how much effort is put in or no matter how much the authority apologizes. it's sad, but it's the nature of things. even then, the anger will pass. life will go on. i pray for the victims of the disaster and that the survivals will be able to move on quickly.

wedding dress

was at raffles city last evening with bee and lk for dinner at cedele (third floor). on the same floor was this huge wedding fair organized by some taiwanese company. and the way these taiwanese did the touting, it was terrible. and can you imagine, they touted me and a friend too. the whole thing went this way...

we walked out of cedele in the following order - bee, lk and i. bee was 2 steps ahead of us. and when the sales persons saw us from afar, they immediately assumed we were a couple. and one of them walked up to us - oh, you want to came see our wedding collections? we have lots for you to chose. when he saw me ignoring him, he went to lk and continued come, come, come take a look at our wedding dresses and package! you should be getting married right? bee, sensing that he has been ignored, quickened his steps and walked ahead.

frankly, it was rather irritating. i chose to ignore him, lk just smiled and continue walking. and when he knew he was getting no where with us, he other colleague came forward and continued the touting come la! come la! come take a look. by which time, we were quite irritated. and so we played along. i responded oh, it's ok, thanks. and lk went further no need, no need, actually i have given birth to 3 kids already, so wedding is out of our league already!

the guys stood there and stared at us. we walked on. smiling. and of cos, bee was way ahead standing by one corner laughing at us. hmmmm! what a harrassment! in retrospect, i should have acted in my most campy manner and asked if they have wedding gowns for me! i am sure it will freak them out!

:-)

putting pieces together

consolidating my life, getting things in order, and laying instructions for my after-life is more difficult than i thought.

be systematic, be focused, be objective!

geylang serai market

i know this posting is gonna make me sound so auntie, but still i'd do it. i passed by the new geylang serai market a couple of weeks ago and from what i saw, i told myself i'd visit the place someday. and i did so today!

i remembered so clearly the market before the renovation, or rather, for a long long time even before the renovation. gaylang serai market had been synonymous with geylang serai itself. a place where the singapore malay community congregates and where the malay culture thrived. also, the name itself reminds me of trishaws, singapura theatre (and all it's hindi films), kampong and squatters, and of the huge dirty river that flowed through it. those were my earliest memories of the place. the river is now a canal, the squatters have been replaced with hdb public housing and much of the old kampong charm is gone. but thru the many years of development, the old market stood and continued to be the center of all activities. until 2 years back when development caught up.

geylang serai market had always been a place that would tingle all my senses so very much. yes, all my senses. literally. i earliest memories of the market was when i was a small boy when we lived in paya lebar. back then, i would frequently visit the market with my mum and she would hold my hand tight as we meandered our way through the little lanes of the overcrowded market. it was a highly disorganised market where at certain sections, one could get a food seller selling his kueh kueh beside a fabric seller and they were all so closely situated, it would be impossible to escape if there were a stampede! and as a kid, i would be pushed and squashed about all over by the adult mak ciks and pak ciks but i could not do anything except to hold on tight to my mum and be dragged along by her. and of cos, i remembered how my feet would get wet from the dirty, wet broken cemented floor that was made worst by the fishmonger uncles splashing water all over the place. geylang serai market also reminded me of the many shops selling bales of clothes and colourful sarongs. was always awed by the splashes of colours. but above all, it was the smell that i cannot forget. it was (and still is) not easy to find a place that has so many shops grinding herbs and spices at the same place and selling them to eager housewives wanting to cook curries and etc (those in serangoon aka little india pales when compared to geylang serai market!). and my visits to the market would often end with mum buying all the traditional kuehs, goreng pisang and what have you.

yes! talking about kuehs... i had been thinking of kueh dodol for quite a while already. and it was such a coincidence that bee bee also started to have a craving for it. so this morning, while i was at the market, i decided to hunt for it. walked around the place, soaked myself in the sights and the smell... (oooh, i loved it so much!)... and finally found it at the second level hawker center. i was so happy to see it in it's traditional packaging and bought 4 sticks - 2 regular flavour and 2 durian flavour. it cost me s$26! hmmm, i was so sure that guy ketuk me but well, i guessed i was a willing victim. been looking for good kueh dodol for a long while and i could not let this chance off!

ok, that was a side-track... now, back to the geylang serai market. my later visits to the markets was after my family moved to marine parade. eventually, i would make my own trips there to buy sarongs (for myself and for my mum) and the kuehs. and of cos, our trips would end with mum and i taking trishaw back to our kampong a short distance away. that was a long time back. the trishaws have disappeared. and now, a brand new multi-storey market stands in its place.

well, my impression of the newly built market was that it had retained the cultural flavour. the whole architecture, the choice of colours, choice of cloth for the bunting, the roof, the type of shops, etc... the malay community continue to congregate there. but i would say, it has lost bits of charm of the old market. something was missing. perhaps, it was the ambience, or perhaps it was the fact that i need no longer squeeze my way through, or that there was no more stale smells... well, whatever, something was just missing. but well, on the whole, it was a good experience nonetheless. and i am glad i made my trip.

ps: i remembered aziz's advice about the car park (or the lack of it) and i must agree with him. the accessibility to the carpark is bad and there were not many lots nearby. but i was lucky for today's a weekday and there were some free lots readily available by the roadside.

of cash crops

posted this as a comment in weetz's post. but thought it's a good recollection to keep here too. heh heh...

during my uni 3rd year, i signed up for a botany module on cash crops. the lecturer that took that module was a taiwanese prof. as he was taiwanese, his english was heavy accented and we had lots of laughs during his lecture. yup, it was not very nice, but we couldn't help it.

there was this particular lecture where he went on and on about this cash crop call 'on eye on' (well, he pronounced it as such). and we were kinda trying very hard to double guess what was 'on eye on'. at the end of the 1-hr lecture, one of my classmate stood up and sheepishly asked :" eh, prof, when is 'on eye on'?"... (frankly, we were all glad he asked for we were worried we might come across as really stupid to ask such a question) anyway, the question took him by surprise and he exclaimed :" wah, how come you all donno what is "on eye on"? ok, who do not know what is 'on eye on', raise your hand" and of cos, the whole class of close to 200 raised our hands. and he shook his head, mumbled something about us urban kids not knowing what cash crops were anymore and hurriedly walked to the blackboard, and spelt it out. and he did it so so so slowly, reading it out, very deliberately, letter by letter, with each letter in capital too. and he went...

......O ......N ......I ......O ......N

of cos, we had a good laugh after that... heh heh...

:-)

also, for the record, we had problems with his other cash crop lectures too. for example, he would pronounce `winged beans' as weeeeen-ged-ded bing and `french beans' as flaeng bing. so, you can imagine how confused we were during his class... hmmmph! but of cos, we had lotsa fun and laughters, much to his displeasure!

savers

finally, it's 14 aug!

:-)

prayers for bobby

am reposting this here. prayers for bobby is a tragic story based on the true events of bobby griffith - a gay teenager who could not get the necessary support from his family, particularly his mother, and committed suicide in the end. superb acting by sigourney weaver. you can read the synopsis of the tv movie here.

this film made me cry. it brought back lots of memories. it reminded me of the time when i tried to commit suicide. and i was glad i took the right path.

bilingual

bee bee and i were at ikea last evening. and as we walked, we came across this boy. he was no more than 2yrs old. he was sulking. apparently, his dad said something about going home but he didn't want to. but being a good boy, he held onto his daddy's hand and continued walking. he looked superbly sad. and we could see his sulking face slowly transformed into a crying face and then, all hell broke loose... he started crying. and it was a real cry. not those cry baby `bluff-bluff'-kinda sob like those we see of many kids (in hokkien we call that thiu-nyiew).

and then he started to hug his daddy's legs. "i dowan to 回家 [huíjiā], i dowan to 回家 [huíjiā]" the poor boy wailed. and he repeated, this time louder. "i dowan to 回家 [huíjiā], i dowan to 回家 [huíjiā]". and tears were flowing freely. the way he cried, it seemed like that whole world was about to crash onto him. and yes, i must say he cried real well. it was so authentic. it was the kinda cry that would soften an adult's heart. then again, in the context of that situation, and the fact that his words were muffled by his tears and cries, his reaction was actually rather funny. for that matter, his mum started laughing (i thought she felt a little embarrassed). and it was obvious his daddy felt a little awkward too.

at that moment, it seemed like everyone who walked pass the boy wanted to express "sooooooooo ccccccuuuute" but did not dare to. it was a little funny i must say. heh heh... bee bee and i walked on with a huge smile on our faces.

and yes, this kinda bilingual sentences is so singaporean...

:-)

普智 (pǔzhì)

finally completed the taking refuge ceremony. have been given a buddhist name. 普智 (pǔzhì). it means `universal knowledge'. i like it. i thought it is very apt.

:-)

consolidating

been good spending my consolidating my life. have not focused too much attention on this previously. and the process is a good one. it helped me prioritise things, consolidate and put them in perspective. hmmm, let's see what i have done/ need to start work on - my life's priorities, my bank accounts, my insurance policies, my investments, my will, la la la.

and i must admit, it is easier said that done. there are lots of digging of old documents and records, reflections, decisions to be made. and to do these, lots of energy is needed. but of cos, these actions are necessary as i reorganize and reorientate myself to a new phase in life.

:-)

rain rain rain...

the last time i said, "whenever i wash my car, it will rain", it did after i washed it. and today, after a long time, i decided to wash my car again. and guessed wat, it damned fucking rained again!

donno whether to laugh or cry!

apa lah...

ya, apa lah! took so long to publish. took a glance of the report by american psychological association (apa) and well, i must say that this report is a overdue but nonetheless very very welcome. the key message of this very comprehensive report was "sexual orientation can't be changed through therapy". avoid telling clients they can change their sexual orientation through therapy or other treatments, the world's largest association of psychologists tells mental health professionals.

and i would like to publish this report in my blog. and before you make any conclusions about me being self-righteous, and that becos i am gay, i interpret this report through the tainted lenses of a pro-gay person. hmmm, no. give me more credit. when i first i saw the report, my first reaction was - ya, this is another attempt by a gay website (fridae) and to self-justify everything that can be said about gay persons. i hate to say this, but yes, in the attempt to justify and fight for some recognition and gain societal acceptance, there are some sites that go about quoting whatever sources that they can find that supports their cause - regardless of the credibility of the reports. and in doing so, these websites ended up stepping on their own toes. and so, yup, i admit, i clicked on the hyperlink with a little cynicism.

i went through the report from several angles. i started by looking at the authors - are they gay? are they lesbians? if they are, then the credibility would be at stake. well, admittedly, i cannot be sure just by looking at their names. but looking at the panel and the list of authors that contribute to the report, whatever activist intent there might be would most likely be kept low. then i looked at the content. the questions asked, the methods used to research the research done, the flow of the report, the findings, the arguments and the way they conclude. the research of research approach (something that i am familiar with and fully understand the pain of going through the process) was very thorough. and i was impressed with the breadth and depth of the report.

admittedly, i did not read every single lines. it's over a hundred pages long. i cannot possibly read and digest them all over the last half hour or so. but by glancing at the key liners through the whole report, i could only conclude that it had been objectively researched and robustly argued and commented. and i was bought over.

i am interested to see what happens next.

:-)

melaka again

did a short day trip with lk to melaka yesterday. went in after lunch and came back by midnight. well, there was really nothing much to see. it was a weekday, all the shops were closed. jonkers street was quiet. the usual crowds were missing. the shopping center was relatively empty. in short, it was a boring 3hrs of walking around, shopping at eating. and of course, 7hrs of driving.

but it was good. it was a break from singapore. singapore has lots of things to do, lots of places to shop and lots of different food to eat, but it is too stressful. people seemed to rush from point to point. and it creates a unconscious sense of stress and the rush behaviour even when you shop or dine. and so, the trip effectively forced a slow down in our pace to relax and focus on what we do. we became more aware of the surrounding, the people, the place, the shops, the chendol... we saw many people wearing mask and concluded that it was an outcome of the h1n1 pandemic. we tasted the chendol and thought was really fragrant. we ate the nonya chap chye and concluded it was not as nice as those served with pork. we looked at the surrounding and noticed the words on the sigh boards. we wondered why there were so many museums. things that we do not usually pay attention to when in singapore.

and what i enjoyed most out of the whole trip was the time spent with her talking, catching up. been a long while since i saw her letting go of her work (yes, she's really a workaholic). and it's been a long while since we caught up with each others' lives, families, aspirations, future etc etc etc. it's not often that we talk about such things.

it was an enjoyable trip.

:-)

farewell lunch

my colleagues bought me a farewell lunch yesterday. and my immediate boss (ex-boss) was rather curious what i'd be doing, what my plans are, where i'll be working la la la... and when i told him i have decided to relax and reflect, he didn't believe me. he probed. and i said, i want to rest and spent more time with my family, he wasn't convinced. and he asked if my family has a business that will be helping out... hmmmm. so i told him no, i'll be spending more time with my mum.

from the chain of questions that came fast and furious, i sensed one common response - one of disbelief that i will be taking my time to rest before looking for a job. and from my frequent exchanges with people in my ex-line of work, it seemed that there seemed to be a great apprehension when it comes to transiting and getting a new job. i supposed it is natural. especially when they have mouths to feed and commitments to take care of. for me, it is not that i do not have commitments, yes i do. but perhaps it is cos i do not have a wife and children to feed and that i can give myself the flexibility to take a longer rest. i mean, i have worked for the past quarter of a century. and now that i am moving on, i am sure i deserve a very good break and to self-indulge a little right?

well, the lunch was the normal rush rush type and where people at the table talked about work (admittedly, having been out of the system for 2 months, i felt a little out of sync). and so, the lunch ended quickly and my (ex) colleagues came to shake my hands, wished me well and rushed off back to work. in short, it was more of a working lunch. as we walked towards the car park, my colleagues told me in unison how they envied me and that they wished they could be in my shoes given the craze and the workload they were facing. and of cos, i responded by telling them that i also envied them especially when it comes to salary time. heh heh... oooo, how i hate such diplomatic talks.

the lunch was actually a non-event. for me, it was a get-it-over-and-done-with thing. i have not worked with many of them long enough to feel close to them. or rather, i know most of them as a group, but not as individuals. and so the closeness is more of herd camaraderie and not closeness at a more personal-level. or perhaps, less my programme co-ordinator for we use to go for tea-breaks together and becos we had both worked very closely given we were both programme co-ordinators at some point. and he, being my kopi buddy, had also shared with me his frustrations about work, management la la la and with whom i had sparred with many a times over work issues. there were of course a lot of work tensions with him, but these were professional issues and did not come in the way of our interactions (of cos, at times, when he got on my nerves, i really wanted to kill him)! after we parted, i received an sms from him.

i was surprised by the content of his sms. he told me that while he did not know how the rest of our colleagues felt abt the lunch, for him personally, he felt that being able to talk to me was the highlight and that he felt very good. in a way, it reflected how he was not able to work as well with the current colleagues. he also added that he would like to continue to keep in touch and to have coffees as and when time allows. the short message caught me a little offguard. far as i know him, he was not the type to sound personal. and so getting such a message from him was a surprise for me. it said a lot about him. and i supposed that was how he communicated his missing a buddy. and that was how most men (straight men) communicate. rather indirect. and would only show a bit of the softer side through means other than face-to-face.

anyway, i enjoyed the food.

:-)

no national pledge

i see my friends and many people getting excited about reciting the national pledge this year at the co-ordinated time of 2022hrs. but for me, this year's national day will not be any different from my previous few ndps since 2005. also, i will not recite the national pledge. it's my own quiet way of protesting against the system. i am singaporean and i am gay. and as far as my government sees it, these two cannot co-exist.

and aptly enough, at 2022hrs this 9 aug, i will be in the midst of watching a gay-themed play.

:-)

deflowered

today, i got deflowered... ha ha... well, what i meant was, today, i went to the urology center for my final procedure - cystoscopy. and yes, i also got my ct scan results.

my urinary system is normal! well, of cos, the doctor explained that my ct scan showed possibly some small stones. but given that i have not experienced any blood anymore in my urine, it meant that the stones have already been discharged and cleared from my system. also, the cystoscopy did not show any abnormality in urethra and my bladder. so... hey! i am ok!

:-)

anyway, the whole process of going through the cystoscopy was rather traumatic. the following explains.

i arrived. registered and was asked to head to another room to take my urine specimen (damned it! i just peed before that!). drank some tap water and tried my best to squeeze whatever i have into the cup. passed the cup to the nurses to do the urine tests. and was asked to wait for my turn to do the procedure.

waited for about an hour before i was called. i walked into the room. was asked to sign a consent form and was then asked to lie on the bed. face up. the nurse then asked me to lift up my gown all the way up to my waist. and she covered my lower body with a cloth. the doctors came. two of them. one of them explained the procedure to me. and then he asked me to expose myself - mr sim, i need you to expose yourself he went (it seemed a standard liner and very rehearsed). i did so and he told me he would be apply some solution and gel to my cock head area. next thing i knew, i felt some cooling solution being applied and before i knew it, he held up my penis and told me to breath in and out deeply. as i did so, i felt a surge of pressure entering my pee hole (into my urethra). it was superbly uncomfortable. and i felt a little pain.

and i was asked to breath deeply again. the pressure increased again. i felt something being pumped in and there seemed to be a lot of fluid flowing all over (this, i believe was to fill my bladder so that it can be stretched). and the next thing i knew, i was told i could take a look at my bladder. it was a very surreal experience to be able to see your own internal lining of your bladder. i mean, i had done the scope of my nasal cavity before where the doctor inserted a scope through my nostril and where i was able to see my pharynx, but to be able to see my own bladder lining brought this surreality to a whole new level! and i wanted to pee. arghhh... but i thought the internal lining of my bladder looked a little like the inner lining of a pig's stomach. haha!

and before i knew it, the probing began. he twisted the scope around the whole bladder. and at some points, i was able to see the point where the scope entered my bladder. well, blood vessels, normal, no growth, normal, turn around, again, some wavy folds, some more blood vessels, and he saw some red spot, went closer, magnify, nope. not something that he should be worried about, and he went round again. and once he was satisfied, he told me all seemed ok and that he should be able to discharge me and give me an open date. and as i turned my head to look at him, he pulled out the scope. next thing i felt was a whole lots of fluid flowing all over my lower body (i think it was the fluid he pumped into my bladder that came out when he pulled it out).

the procedure was done and completed in some 15-20min. but as i went through it, it felt forever. and during the whole process, i felt cold and constantly tensed up. i had to remind myself again and again to relax. relax. relax. it was not much different from how i felt when my dentist drill my teeth during my root canal op. you get the idea. anyway, once the doctor pulled out the scope, he told the nurse to help clear me up. very quickly she wiped my lower body and i was asked to change up and wait outside the room.

i am glad it is over. but for the next 2-3 days, i will experience pain when i pee. so there goes, today i got deflowered.

haha...

cystoscopy

after my recent check-up and ct scan, i will once again, head back to the urology center at 3pm today. and apart from getting my results for my ct scan, i will be undergoing cystoscopy. now feeling a little kancheong...

:-|

i am happy

i felt very very very happy today. no, it was not becos i left my service. in fact, i had been so numbed about my work since 2005 that i no longer feel anything when i left service. or at least, not to the organisation. or... hmmm, well, perhaps i'll miss the money. heh heh.

anyway, my happiness was the fact that i got closer towards refuge taking and receiving the precepts yesterday. i went for the talk at the temple as part of my prep. although frankly, i was a little disappointed with the talk cos it was a little too simple, i accepted that the venerable was pitching his talk at a really layman's level. after the talk, i made my way to purchase my robes. after that, as i made my way back to the library, i was suddenly overwhelmed by a sense of happiness. a feeling that i cannot really describe. it was just so pure. i broke into a smile, then a laugh and i started running... amazing!

:-)

my resurrection as a gay man

today marks my "resurrection" as a gay man. it is my first day out of the military service officially and i am no longer bounded by the restrictions imposed on me by my security department. and to mark this occasion, i reposted my photo in fridae. well, in a large way, it was symbolic. symbolic for the fact that today, i am officially resurrected as me. myself. a gay person. a gay singaporean.

i lost the freedom to exist as me, a gay man on a fateful day in may 2005. that was when i was called up by my security department for questioning. i was made to tell everything about myself, more specifically, my gay self. you can never imagine the humiliation of being put through a questioning where you are made to reveal everything to some unknown straight homophobes about your sex history, your sex practices, your partner/s, whether you are top or bottom, and so on. and after all these were asked and statements written, i was asked to make and sign my `voluntary' commitments to not divulge my sexuality to gay people i interact with, not to post any photos in any gay networking websites, not to visit any gay places/ places that are frequented by gays (including bars, saunas, clubs, etc) (for the record, i don't really frequent them). and to ensure i behave myself `responsibly', i need to keep the security department informed whenever i leave the country, where i go to, who i go with from then on. and i was warned that i might be called back to the security department to do polygraph test anytime. in short, that was the day where i lost my freedom to do what i want. and this was for fear of reasons not clear to me (not clear cos the reasons given to me range from me being a security risk becos i am gay, to possibility of loss in confidence by the public when parents find out there is a gay person amongst in the senior ranks, to fraternalizing, etc). whatever the reasons, it centered around the need to protect the military organisation. but to me, it was pure homophobia. it was a total bullshit. anyway, these were the restrictions that i had to observe.

of cos, i signed. my coming out cost me my scholarship. it cost me my possibilities of promotion. i lost all clearance to access any classified information. i became employed but undeployable. suddenly, i felt the whole weight of the organisation on me. it was very choking. i was confused. i was disoriented. i was scared. i went into depression. i started getting asthma. i began to experience memory lapses. i started getting physical injuries. i broke my ankle. my neck and back injuries worked up. all these made worst by my own emotional problems. i was caught in a 4-way relationship. my relationship with james fell apart. i was at rock bottom. financially, i needed the money. i could not not hold on to my job. i had too many commitments. i had to support my parents. i needed the job. and so, from that time onwards, i became a prostitute. not in a literal sense. but rather, work for the money and no longer for a belief in my organisational ideals. i envy some of my buddies, they packed up and left. they were similarly choked. i didn't have the same courage. yet, i was so disillusioned.

that was 4 years ago. i had kept to all my commitments. and in the process, my common space with many of my friends decreased. it took a toll of my friends. eventually, my friends disappeared. it was a slow strangling process. i held on. till today. so, yes, by putting my face in fridae is my very first act to get back my identity. to live my life.

so, from today onwards, dancer66 has a face.

it's a new beginning.

:-)

picture from: http://www.digitaljournal.com/image/51471

dad's anniversary

time flies. today is my dad's death anniversary (by lunar calendar). there was supposed to be a family gathering of sorts to pay our respects to my dad to commemorate the day. but my bro decided that he would do the commemoration on 10 aug (gregorian calendar anniversary) given that he has to bring my mum for her medical appt. well, no choice i supposed.

nonetheless, i managed to pay a visit to the columbarium to pay my respects and do the needful.

:-)

ps: by right, the actual lunar calendar date is 10th day of the 7th lunar month. today is the 10th day of the 6th lunar month. but considering this year's lunar month has a leap 5th month, the 6th month is considered the 7th month instead. apparently, such a ruling to ignore the presence of a leap month applies only to anything that involves white affairs (matters pertaining to death).

finally

am finally out...

well, of my current profession, that is.

:-)

jap songs - 谷村新司 - 昴-すばる

it's so nice to see and hear this song all over again. thanks for willie for sharing it. it certainly brings back lots of memories. must say that lots of japanese songs and the annual red/white singing competitions bring back some of my best memories of my secondary school and junior college days...

young, naive and innocent...

:-)

videos past

in this afternoon's episode of growing up, i saw this boy who played the role of a carpenter trainee. thought he looked cute. oooooo. i like. and then i thought, hey, he kinda look familiar lor... and i smsed weetz. then he confirmed. yes, that was him. 20 (?) yrs ago. wa! he looked so young!

ok, ok. enough. what i am trying to say here is that this short clip made me realize that i have aged. and hmmmph! i don't have any videos of my younger days. those days, only those well-to-do people or those who work in the media industry get this kinda opportunities. then again, why regret right? at least i have my memories and my photos. and yes, there is really nothing to stop us from capturing such videos of ourselves today! hmmmm, perhaps i'd better start capturing myself on video so that some years down, i can look back and remember what i am like today (aka my younger days in future).

:-)

last visit

went to my headquarters this morning. it was an exit interview with my director. well, i have never seen nor work with him before... he was new to me. and of cos, this meant that there was nothing much to talk about when we meet. he had to refer to his file (containing my cv) as we talked. and so, you know it... the exit interview was nothing short of - ok, need to do it and just let's get it done with. quick. it was the kind where the interviewer starts with - oh hi, i think i have met you before somewhere rite?... (ya, rite, our organisation is big but certainly not that big...). some basic courtesies followed, then some questions abt how i felt abt the organisation... then what my plans would be... then, ok thanks for coming by and good luck. short and sharp. and it was over in 15mins. hmmmm, such a waste of time.

my most meaningful time was spent catching up with my ex-staff from my ex-office after the interview. for after so many years, and after so many changes of heads, they still show so much warmth and care for me. and i was rather moved by the fact that my ex-secretary, when she heard i would be heading back to office to see them, had coffee and some little bites for me when i arrived. and my ex-staff all gathered and had a simple breakfast with me at the canteen. it felt so good catching up. so, in a large way, it was not a good bye, it was a catching up with old friends.

i guess when we leave any big organisation, it will not be the organisation or the heads per se that we will miss. the organisation changes. and given the policy of bringing people from outside your department to head your department, the heads won't know you most of the time. but rather, it will be the people we work with that we will miss. for it is through the long and arduous working hours that we create our bonds and forge our identities. and regretfully, people who become our head, being parachuted in, do not have the luxury of journeying through the departments ups and downs together, don't know us and much less, to be able to connect with us... and as for people we know, they die out. they disappear.

well, in the early days, i go for annual gatherings to catch up with those who have retired. they were after all, my shi fu, my teachers, my seniors. they have watched me grow, and i have learned much from them. and in these gathering, the retirees come back to catch up with their juniors who have, in turn, become the heads. nowadays, we do not see the retired people. not since we have the policy of parachuting people as heads. who would want to return and not know the current head? they would most likely be parachuted from somewhere... and with no ties that bind, there will be no memories to reminisce, there would be no common topics to talk about and there would be no further bonds to hold on to.

and i can bet with anyone that i will not be invited for any such gatherings (heh heh... and i am saying this cos 2 yrs back, i got an email from my head office asking me if i belong to them...)

:-)