changi? cck?

there was one big worrying thing we observed when we visited mum earlier on. she has had the the tube inserted. and after given the milky solution, she started having mild diarrhea. but the most worrying thing was the fact that she kept forgetting where she was. one moment, she said she was in changi (my place), the next moment, she said she was in cck (my brother's place). and then she would remind us to keep her slippers despite the fact the her slippers were at home.

despite all these, i was at least glad that she was rather cheerful when we spoke with her.

tube feeding

good news - my mum looked a little better today following antibiotics treatment.

bad news - the hospital discovered that her oesophagus has become constricted and suspected that it was the cause of her constant vomiting. the doctor also suspected that some of the regurgitated food could have flowed into her lungs thereby causing the pneunomia. to minimize regurgitation, she has been kept off all food since saturday. and in order to sustain her, the hospital has placed her on tube feed. further tests are still being conducted. we were also told that there is a possibility that she may be placed on tube feed permanently. when told of the need to insert the tube, my mum was very hesitant. she kept asking if it was going to be painful and it took us a lot of effort to explain to her that she will feel at most some minor discomfort. i find this behaviour very weird. all her life, she has been very brave and receptive of treatment. in addition, she has all along been very tolerant of pain. perhaps it was not pain that she was afraid of?

:-(

being judgemental

last week, i was walking pass my colleague's office when i overheard a very interesting conversation. apparently, my big boss was also inside and my colleague, upon reading the newspaper, passed a remark about how mainlander chinese were too much to brand gong li a traitor for obtaining singapore citizenship. after he passed that remark, my big boss added something along the line that chinese people could be unreasonable and that they could be over-nationalistic and brand people all sorts of negative names just because they do not conform to what a mainlander would consider to be norm.

before the conversation could proceed further, i interjected. i reminded them that we had reacted similarly when our fellow singaporeans migrated sometime back. i reminded them that we had labeled our own people "quitters". well, upon my interjection, a momentary silence followed and next thing i knew, i boss acknowledged with a hummppphh and nod. the conversation died straight away.

guess sometimes we can be blinded by our own pride and made conclusions too fast without realising that we had committed similar acts before.

100 days

it's past 11pm. that means, it's 100 days since my dad passed away. that also means that my mourning will end today (technically, tomorrow) (ya, confusing i know, but 11pm is considered a new day for the lunar calender)... and tomorrow (which is technically still the 100th day), we'll have to head to the columbarium again for the final rites.

all over again. same process as per what we went through over the past 3 months or so. but sadly, this time round, my mum will not be able to join us as she's in the hospital. it's sad cos this is the day she had looked forward to. and i can imagine how disappointed she must be feeling. she had dutifully carried out what she felt was her responsibilities as a wife. she sat beside his coffin throughout the wake. occasionally, she would limp her way to the side of the coffin and spoke to him. after the funeral, she ensured we paid our respects on the 1st, 3rd, 5th and 7th week after his demise. she also made sure we carried out the prayers on his birthday. she will not be with us tomorrow. but she can be assured we will do the necessary prayers. the past 3 months had passed very quickly. overall, i am glad that there was a lot of closure for everyone over my dad's passing.

i must now ensure my mum lives her remaining days happy.

national service days

listening to the song "明天會更好" certainly brought back a lot of memories, especially of my ns days. the song was released when i did my cadet training in taiwan and it kept me company when i was confined to camp during my r&r for misfiring during one of the company training... well, will expand on this another time. but for now, i think it would be appropriate to write some quick bites about my ns days in the 80s. the 2 over years were certainly very good and very memorable for me.

ns in 80s were really tough. that was the time when the army trains a person's character and endurance. by today's standards, it would have been branded ill treatment many times over. leadership development was a very hands on affair. unlike today where it focuses a lot more on the cognitive domain and reflection. less on the hands on and even much less on the experiential learning part. well... will write those another time. the following list some very quick tours i did as an nsf.

i was enlisted into the army and was posted to infantry training depot (itd) for my basic military training (bmt). that was in tekong. mar 1985. i was posted to lion company, platoon 41 section 3 bed 5.

after my bmt, i landed in officer cadet school (ocs). i was in the 2/85 iocc batch and served my 9 months as a cadet in echo company, platoon 15. section 1. bed 9 (i was the only one to retain this room from junior to senior term). ocs was hell. i wouldn't go through it again if i had a choice. but it certainly holds a lot of good memories for me. how we were tekan-ed. how we were stripped of all our dignity from the start, go through 9 months of hell and emerged as young officers.

following my ocs, i was posted to infantry training depot (itd) as platoon commander (pc). itd trains recruits and i was the pc for platoon 26, gryphon company - the siao on company. took two batches of recruits before assuming the concurrent appointment of company 2nd-in-charge (2ic). after my company tactics and basic intelligence course, i was posted back to itd as a project officer in the headquarters until i went for my uni studies in jul 87.

:-)

the following are the details

• 1985 - my bmt 
• 1985 - 2/85 iocc (1) 
• 1985 - 2/85 iocc (2) 
• 1985 - 2/85 iocc (3) 
• 1985 - 2/85 iocc (4) 
• 1986 - 2/85 iocc (5)
• 1985 - 1986 - my ocs songs
• 1986 - 1987 - completing my ns

tomorrow will be better

dennis posted this song "明天會更好" (it means "tomorrow will be better") in his blog. listening to it reminds me so much of my ocs days back in the mid-80s. the days of pants so baggy you can put two chicken inside, and where the size of our shoulder pads were comparable to a size-d bra cup! ahem ;-) anyway, the lyrics of the song is so apt in today's gloomy climate. tomorrow will be better. i am sure. hang on there. the only direction possible when things are at its lowest point is up.

and on a separate note, some further reflections:

• what happened to taiwan? when the song was recorded in the '80s, taiwan was in its hey days. the people were proud, united and very much nationalistic. taiwan today is nothing near what it was then. has democracy brought it to what it is today? or was it a case of the country being hijacked by politics?

• all the singers look so young. these were the heavyweights in the entertainment scene then. today, many are still around and still very influential in the scene. still very diva, in fact, more so. in contrast, today's entertainer/ singers come and go very quickly. i see similar developments in the west. why? case of technology? case of commercialisation?

bedbugs

when i was at the a&e observation ward earlier, i observed this very interesting (and somewhat funny) incident. one staff nurse asked another: "how?! how?! how?! i got a patient who's been warded. but the patient has bedbugs and the ward has refused to accept... how?! how?!"

heh heh... i supposed such occurrences in singapore hospitals are few and rare and when it happens, it can be rather difficult. well, after calling a few numbers, she managed to sent the patient to the isolation ward.

:-)

pneumonia

mum has been diagnosed with pneumonia. to be admitted for further tests. for now, things seemed ok.

mum in hospital

just received this sms from my brother - mum is critically ill and very weak. she is now in sgh a&e. doctors assessing her. expected to be warded.

bloated n swollen

there are things happening to mum these couple of weeks that i cannot understand. for example, why did her legs get bloated and swollen a couple of weeks back? and when she went to see the doctor, she was told she had drunk too much water. she was given some medication and everything went back to normal. and then came bloated hands... and today, her face apparently got bloated. and my brother gave her some medications to bring it down. looking at the trend, it seemed rather worrisome. could it be that her kidneys are failing? or could it be related to her heart? or her diet? what other reasons could there be?...

sighs...

osama obama

not sure if anyone noticed this... media in the states (not sure about the world) have started referring osama bin laden as "bin laden" instead of "osama" following the rise of obama from party nominee to president-elect and in the near future, president.

interestingly, while this switch from first name to last name (surname) for osama may minimize the likelihood for confusing the two, it may possibly create confusions for their immigration people when it comes to clearing people whose fathers are called laden. for that matter, i personally think americans can be quite bad when it comes to understanding how names are used in different cultures. i am aware that for sometime after 911, people with a "bin" in their name were given special attention when clearing customs in the united states. i even have a chinese friend who was detained and questioned cos he was mistaken to be a muslim as the second character of his chinese name is "bin". you know, the hanyu pinyin translation thing... and when you move his surname to the back, his name looks exactly like that of a muslim name... xxx bin yyy. poor chap. he was so traumatised by the whole process. and it was no fault of his!

:-)

immature

once a while, i would log in to straits times to read their news coverage. and often, i would go into the forum to read reader's views about the articles. and when i do it, it never fails to amaze me how immature some people can be (just take a look at the postings in the article about the tigers and you know what i mean). while i respect the reader's point of views, i certainly do not take pride in knowing that some of the postings of my fellow singaporeans are full of assumptions, bitchy and unconstructive.

quite disheartening. i always end up questioning myself why i even bother to go back to read the forum... perhaps it's becos it so bad, i just want to go back and see how much worst it can get...

tigers

singapore is a boring city, mundane, clinical, it's a fine city, etc. not uncommon for people to use such adjectives to describe the island city. well, perhaps it is, especially to many of us who live in here. shopping, cinema, shopping, cinema... the things to do here seemed rather limited. well, at least for us locals.

and so, when i heard the news about a man being mauled to death by 3 white tigers in the singapore zoo, i was like - wtf! oh wow! drama man!... and i turned up the radio volume and paid attention to the news. it kinda broke the monotony of daily mundane stuff... and provided some excitement amidst the gloomy weather and even gloomier financial status today. but most importantly, i was worried for the white tigers. what's gonna happen to them? will the zoo kill them? how did the attack happen? how could such a thing happen?... so many questions but not a single answer.

followed the news through the whole evening and by 10pm, the zoo finally released a statement indicating that the tigers will not be put to sleep. whew... and from what i heard, i gathered that it was either a case of suicide or mischief/ prank gone wrong... sad.

then again, i am glad the white tigers will not be put to sleep.

:-)

financial meltdown

seemed like things are getting worst. amongst my friends, everyone was saying how they had lost between 40 to 80% of their investments. and knowing them, being in the civil service for 20 over years, the sum per individual could go into millions... for me, it was much much much much lower cos i don't even have a quarter of a million in my investments... and coupled with my housing loans, car loans and so on, even if i were to surrender all my investments to fund my loans, i would still be in debts...

well, perhaps you may call it lucky that i don't have that much monies in investment... or you could call it unlucky cos all my life, i had been a born loser in terms of managing money... buy house, house price crash (been over 10 years and i have still not even break even!), buy car, car price depreciate, buy 4d, number never comes out... invest my monies, market crash... you name it, i've lost it.

so, am i worried about my investments? well, yes i admit i am, but somehow, i just do not feel so panicky about it... could this be due to my strong belief in the buddhist principles of non-attachment? that monies are only important insofar as providing for the basic needs... that anything above what i need for life's basic are deemed luxurious and thus superfluous?

well, may be, may be, may be... argh... whatever.

fat sapphie

sapphie and i share many similarities. here are some:

• we're both getting fatter... in fact, my neighbour couldn't recognise her when we met them in the lift last weekend. i had just given her a bath and was bringing her out for a walk to dry her fur. my neighbour asked if i had a new dog... :-)

• we're both getting older... the physical signs are clear. white hair/ fur. white whiskers/ moustache. for that matter, we both even take longer time to recover after exercises these days...

• we're both getting lazier... there seemed to be an increased tendency to want to sleep and laze these days.

so much for similarities between master and pet right?

hahaha!

why buy a dog...

not one to publish mass mails... but this one i find it quite nice... perhaps it's cos i am a dog lover... and of cos, it goes without saying that this mail was sent to me by a lesbian friend of mine...

if you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him
and never say its not quite as good as his mothers

...then buy a dog.

if you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want ...

...then buy a dog.

if you want someone who will never touch the remote,
doesn't care about football,
and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

...then buy a dog.

if you want someone who is content to get on your bed
just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

...then buy a dog.

if you want someone who never criticizes what you do,
doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old,
who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to,
and loves you unconditionally, perpetually

...then buy a dog.

but, on the other hand,
if you want someone who will never come when you call,
ignores you totally when you come home,
leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you,
runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep,
and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness,

...then buy a cat!

now be honest, you thought i was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you?
send this to all the women you know to brighten their day...

did i play god?

one of the reason that irked me a lot as i read through all the discussions about euthanasia was this...

when my dad was very ill, we were asked by the doctor to give clear directions about how they should proceed when my dad's life was in danger. we were asked to consider this - put him on life-support despite knowing there was no hope of cure given his condition or to simply let him wither off... and we were told that if we were to put him on life support, apart from no possible cure, we could also cause him prolonged pain and suffering. to the family, it could also mean psychological stress in prolonging the death. although the doctor did not state it explicitly, it was clear that they are suggesting that we let him go.

in such a situation, it was simply between the devil and the deep blue sea. and we took the doctor's indirect advise to let him go should he go into a state of unconsciousness. in this case, are we already not being put in a position to play god? to me, the issue was not about how long more he has, the issue here was that we were put in a position to decide whether he has another moment to live.

what do you think?

euthanasia

recently, there has been a lot of debate about euthanasia... and it was not surprising that many religious groups - the catholic church, the islamic council, the taoist association, and so on - have come out condemning it. all sang the same tune of respecting life and that we should not try to be god. and as i read, i wondered aloud - all these while, by deciding to save lives, are we not already playing god? why must we use start to use god as an excuse when it comes discussing euthanasia?

since time memoria, nature's law have revolved around survival of the fittest. and at the individual-level, if we are not fit for whatever reasons such as falling sick, meeting with accident, and so on, by the laws of nature (and if i may suggest, god), we should perish... if we really want to let god be the judge, then we should do away with saving lives altogether!

on the other hand, we might jolly well be doing our species a disfavour by saving those `unfit' persons with medical advances. people who are weak for whatever reasons will continue to transfer their genes to their offspring and over a prolonged period of time, weaken our gene pool. already, we can see the population getting weaker and weaker... people today are less resistant to diseases... over time, what will appear would be a species of human being not different from one who has aids (heh heh.. not exactly, but you get the idea) except that he does not actually have it - having to live in sterile conditions, susceptible to all sorts of diseases... and every small virus would have the potential of developing into an epidemic that might wipe out the entire species... all these mean one thing - that in saving lives mean a larger disservice to the species as a whole in the long run... no?

anyway, regarding the debate about euthanasia, i find the whole discussion rather interesting. i am one who is neutral to euthanasia and i believe that there might be just be some benefits discussing through how it could be framed and approached. rather than coming outright decrying and condemning the whole issue, why not discuss through what the real issue is in the first place? from a holistic perspective, there are real issues about managing terminally sick, ensuring proper care for the terminally sick, helping the terminally sick transit with dignity and comfort... the ultimate act of pulling the plug (or for that matter, deciding to put the terminally sick onto a plug in the first place) can be distilled to a single action, perhaps what is different is - who makes the decision. aren't they simply a case of different sides of a same coin?

whatever the outcome, the process of discussing about this issue as a society should provide everyone the clarity of how we, a society as a whole, should approach healthcare holistically.

politics

i am a person who is not too particular interested in politics and neither do i want to participate in it. and there are some things that i've observed and that i thought would perhaps sound/ look illogical to a layman/ person who is not in the know of the dynamics and the people behind that drives it... here are some examples...

• after all the hype and hoo hahs over the election in the states, seems like lots of media bodies are discussing about one single factor - obama's skin colour - black, part black, or part white.

• americans voted for a president recently. a president that could shape policies that would affect the livelihood of the whole world... and for a very long time. and interestingly enough, the factors that motivates a voter to vote a particular candidate was more likely american lifelihood issues rather than issues related to global well-being.

• you will find it hard to understand how a `country' can spent all of it's nation's efforts - psychological, finances, diplomatic, and so on - to penalize, or worst still, to chase country after country, one person for allegedly buying a piece of land using his influence instead of focusing on improving the lives of the millions of people who needs the attention more. a case of social class divides.

• you find it hard to understand how a `country' can spent all the efforts to select and groom someone for the top job. and after he takes over, went about systematically making efforts to remove him instead of systematically supporting and mentoring him in the leadership position.

• you find it hard to understand how a `country' can spent all the efforts to select and groom someone for a top job, and then accuses him of sodomy, and then over time, create conditions for him to resurrect and then accuses him of sodomy again.

• you find it hard to understand running down and allegations of misplaced policies and criticism during the election rallies followed by post-elections admirations/ support shown between the president-elect and the incumbent who are from different political parties.

• you find it even harder to understand that that all these above are probably about the same coin but viewed from different perspectives and whatever the outcome, it will probably not benefit everyone, except for a selected few... particularly people in power.

i, for once, am a cynic where politics is concerned. to me, politics is about power. power corrupts. and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

walking at the park

brought sapphie out for a walk last evening. a 2-hr walk. thought it was a nice way to get her to exercise and to keep her company on a saturday afternoon. today, bee came along.

it was the same route. but it turned out more meaningful that i had expected. during the walk, we stopped regularly for me to groom sapphie and to let her take a breather. and during one of those stops, bee opened up to me. he told me of his disappointments in me over some issues. i was rather surprised. and as the conversation went on, i took the opportunity to share my tensions about him too. the conversation just flowed. i was glad it occurred. it helped us see and better understand how our behaviours had caused some tensions in the other party. rightly or wrongly, it doesn't matter. fact was, it occurred. at times, it was due to mis-perceptions. at times, it was due to one of us being insensitive to the other.

in some ways, i was disappointed as i was still not able to find some of my answers. yet i take solace in the fact that i was able to share my thoughts with him. overall, i was glad the conversation occurred.

showering

no good reason why i am making this post. just thought i should.

shower with your partner. 

it is not only about the physical contact. it also help builds and deepens the relationship. and if this is not good reason enough, it helps you save water.

:-)

about last week

one word - crazy.

early mornings. late nights. feeling extremely exhausted. as was the case whenever this course is on. two more weeks to go and i will be able to go back to my `normal' routine.

if i were a boy

something i took from a friend's blog. this was a song i heard sometime back on radio and had enjoyed it tremendously... except that i was too lazy to hunt it down. well, it was nice to be able to find it and i have posted it here for my enjoyment and keepsake :-)



if i were a boy (beyonce)
[verse]
if i were a boy
even just for a day
i’d roll outta bed in the morning
and throw on what i wanted then go
drink beer with the guys
and chase after girls
i’d kick it with who i wanted
and I’d never get confronted for it.
cause they’d stick up for me.

[chorus]
if i were a boy
i think i could understand
how it feels to love a girl
i swear i’d be a better man.
i’d listen to her
cause i know how it hurts
when you lose the one you wanted
cause he’s taken you for granted
and everything you had got destroyed

[verse]
if i were a boy
i would turn off my phone
tell everyone it’s broken
so they’d think that i was sleepin’ alone
i’d put myself first
and make the rules as i go
cause i know that she’d be faithful
waitin’ for me to come home (to come home)

[chorus]
if i were a boy
i think i could understand
how it feels to love a girl
i swear i’d be a better man.
i’d listen to her
cause i know how it hurts
when you lose the one you wanted (wanted)
cause he’s taken you for granted (granted)
and everything you had got destroyed

[vamp1]
it’s a little too late for you to come back
say its just a mistake
think i’d forgive you like that
if you thought i would wait for you
you thought wrong

but you’re just a boy
you don’t understand
yeah you don’t understand
how it feels to love a girl someday
you wish you were a better man
you don’t listen to her
you don’t care how it hurts
until you lose the one you wanted
cause you’ve taken her for granted
and everything you have got destroyed
but you’re just a boy

anatomy of a break-up

been in a reflective mood of late. so decide to pen something about break-ups. something i observed. the broad sequence...

pent-up
tensions
frustrations
threshold
break-up
denial
pain
confusion
anger
acceptance...

well, broadly in this sequence i guess

mirrors

was talking to a friend yesterday and he was trying to make sense of why things turned out the way it did for him. and very naturally, i said something along the line that sometimes in life it is not how much you do or what you do, but what you made the opposite party feel that is most most important.

and i realized i said exactly the same thing in one of my earlier blogs.

it is very interesting how during such occasions, one sees oneself and was reminded of one's own experience all over again. everything i went thru, my break-up, tensions, pains, fears, tears, all came rushing back to me...

fading mum

mum has been slowly but surely getting weaker by the days. over the last week, i couldn't help but noticed how much weaker she had gotten. even her voice seemed to waiver when she spoke with me. to help her manage the grief following my dad's passing, i have often spoken with her over the phone. i would also speak to her about my dad and asked her if she missed him. to me, talking it out would be a very good way to release any pent up emotions. true enough, despite acknowledging that my dad's time was up and that she has accepted his demise, she couldn't help but missed him. she would tell me how she missed my dad's regular chats with her. she shared with me how my dad would relate current affairs and daily happenings to her as he watched the daily 1pm news. this, she told me, was something she missed most. now, she would simply stare blankly into the tv screen daily and, being illiterate, she could only interpret and derive whatever meaning by looking at the video clips that accompany the news reader. i felt sad when i heard this. and i could understand how she felt given that her life partner of 52 years was no longer around. sheeesh, my eyes are tearing as i type this post...

early last week, she fell twice in the middle of the night while trying to get to the toilet. it left her almost immobile. her pain, both at her knees as well as her body, had worsened. yet, she felt it necessary for her to attend my dad's birthday rites. yesterday, she came down with diarrhea. this had made her even weaker... she went to see the doctor this morning and had since been given an injection. sighs.

i remembered her telling me immediately after my dad's demise that she has to ensure everything was properly done for my dad after the funeral. and this would mean ensuring we do the nec rituals for him up till 100 days after his funeral. i do wonder if her sudden weakening was a sign of her giving up on life as the 100 days nears. i certainly hope not. for now, she's hoping to visit my place after the renovation is over. have promised to bring her to stay over sometime in mid-dec once the renovation works are over. and that'll be sometime in mid-dec. and i believe she is also looking forward to it.

my dad's birthday

last friday was my dad's lunar birthday. he would have been 77 years old if he was alive. and this being his first birthday following his demise, we had to conduct the necessary rituals for him. simple affair, nothing different from what we did over the post funeral 49 days.

time flies. it's been 3 months. in about a week's time, we will be doing the 100th day rites for him. yet, whenever i see his photos, he still seemed so close, his presence was still felt.

his voice, his movements...

friends & lovers

last week, i got news from a dear friend of mine that he and his partner will be `cooling off' for two weeks to re-evaluate their relationship. when i heard that, i was surprised to a certain extend. they had been together for about 2 years and from what bee and i could see, they complemented each other rather well. where one was playful, the other was serious (relatively), where one was quiet, the other was chatty... of cos, in many other small ways, they had their differences too. but what mattered most to us as friends were that they tried to adapt and give in to each other wherever they could, or so we thought.

so when we eventually received news of the break-up, we took it in stride. bee was depressed for a while. it was too sudden for him. without asking for details, my guess was that over time, their comfort level with each other has perhaps resulted in unexpressed expectations, or perhaps also unmet expectations and this had created tensions. whatever the case, the details of any relationship could only be fully understood by the two parties involved. having gone through my break-up with james, i told myself that i should, particularly at this point in time, be there to provide any support that they may need. one thing is for sure, bee and i will continue to be good friends with both parties. there will not be issues of taking sides. managing the break-up is in itself a difficult thing to do for both parties, and as a friend, i shall not add to the stress as i had experienced with james' friends.

surprise dinner

decided to call some of my friends for a surprise dinner for bee at the cafe last evening. all of us played our part to stage the event. details such as how the food should be displayed, how the table should be arranged and so on were co-ordinated. it was a white-themed dinner. james had closed the cafe for a private function. all went smoothly, almost like a military operation. how lk would call bee to meet her at chinatown point (and make him wait there for her) so as to allow us to set up the table, the decor, how she would not appear on the pretext of being in the toilet, how james would call to chase him to return as the `guests' had arrived, and so on. for the first time, the cafe was `dressed' to host a birthday dinner and i thought it looked very cosy and very beautiful.

of cos, we were threatened by the crowd that gathered for the lehman-thing protest... (the people there all seemed rather educated... and my impression was that it was greed that motivated them to protest rather than mis-selling... ok, another story...). luckily, as darkness quickly fell, the crowd petered off and we were able to dine merrily without any disturbances from the protesters; save for a few stares from curious passer-bys. but i thought it was also a good publicity for the cafe! the evening unfolded beautifully. it was a nice dinner complete with yummy good food, beautifully-light durian cakes, not-too-sweet but rich belgian chocolate fondue and of course, wonderfully good friends. and it ended with drinks and more merry-making at marina mandarin. overall, i believed he had a nice surprise. he was the star for the evening.

mission accomplished!

happy 30th birthday bee bee!

:-)

haircut

i had my haircut this afternoon and i feel very good about it.

well, it was not the shortened hair per se. but rather, i think it was that i feel less messy, less oily, less disorganised and more attractive. and all these adds up and hmmmm, i feel good.

added to that was that i have selected my marble top and...

weekend is here!!!

:-)

my friend pauline

interestingly enough, today, my hr manager (straight, mother of a primary school girl) spoke with me at the canteen. i had known her for the longest time ever (more than 23 years i think). and while having coffee with her, she asked if i am keen to join a programme about planning for life, about facing oneself. she was keen to introduce the programme to me as she had wanted me to experience the benefits as she had. the conversation went on to cover some bits about my family and some of the possible tensions that i have in life. the talk about my life was, of cos, kept to a rather shallow level admittedly... and i could sense she had some areas about me that she could not make sense of.

and while at that, the topic drifted to how she, after attending the programme, got to know herself better, how to manage her life better and so on. and i was surprised when she went on to tell me that through the programme, she got to know gay couples, lesbian couples and so on. and she went on to share that she now has a better understanding of gays/ lesbians and the issues we face in singapore about societal pressures and acceptance, etc. she went on to share that she is perfectly at ease befriending gays/ lesbians. she added that she has agreed to provide moral support and to coach a lesbian lady as she go through the process of mothering and raising a child. i could see her motherly nature at play when i spoke with her :-)

somehow, through this whole conversation, i sensed she knew about me and was trying to egg me to come out to her. well, i didn't. i kept the conversation as that. nonetheless, i told her that i will tell her about my life and my experiences someday.

:-)

alvin

finally decided to share with alvin a bit about myself. outed myself last evening. alvin was my student. someone whom i taught last year. and of cos, i had suspected him for the longest time (tell tale signs include his behaviour, his enthusiasm and his way of seeing some things, his attention to things that a str8 would not usually see - in short - gaydar, bumping into him at bv pool, and so on)... yet i see no reasons nor desire to want to ask him further. it's up to him to reveal. it's his life to lead. and i respect that. and i got my confirmation when i bumped into him one night at the fort road car park while waiting for bee to knock off work! well, of cos he didn't know it was me la... it was so so dark... heh!

anyway, i decided to out myself to him last evening for the simple reason that i see no need to hide. he is a friend and there is no reason why i should try to hide my sexuality from a friend, much less a friend who is also gay.

selecting marble

finally, i took half a days' leave to select the marble for my dining table & chairs! it was an interesting experience. went to the shop. saw a whole lot of beautifully assembled but unlacquered wooden furniture - tables, chairs, 2-seaters, 3-seaters, etc. they were all stacked on top of each other.

and there was a whole stack of marble tops all wrapped up in plastic sheets. the shop keeper selected one for me. told me to take a look. i told him it was my first time selecting and he gave me an instant lesson as to what to look for - smooth surface, no cracks, no kinks, and so on. the same process was repeated for every piece of marble for the stool-top. it was a very straight forward process. and within half an hour, i was done!

i look forward to the mid-dec delivery of the tables and chairs!

:-)

feeling blah...

you know it is a bad day when
you wake up early and realized you have forgotten to feed your dog the night before.

you know it is a bad day when
your goldfish still refuse to die or to recuperate despite floating upside down for a couple of days.

you know it is a bad day when
you drive to work earlier than usual, gets into a jam and reach work later than usual.

you know it is a bad day when
your car gets so bloody dirty from precipitation that is heavier than a drizzle but lighter than rain.

you know it is a bad day when
the physiotherapy center has all the machines changed and you have to adapt to the new machines.

you know it is a bad day when
you get comments that make you feel very uneasy and you end up deleting comments from your blog.

you know it is a bad day when
everyone around you seemed down.

you know it is a bad day when
you were faced with a situation where you do not know how to respond.

you know it is a bad day when
your friends tell you they are down and out.

you know it is a bad day when
your friends call you to tell you their friends are down and out.

you know it is a bad day when
your friends call you to tell the above when you feel blah yourself.

you know it is a bad day when
people you love dearly around you are not around when you need them.

you know it is a bad day when
you leave work on time and drive right into jam caused by an accident where someone died.

you know it is a bad day when
you get a huge truck cut into your path suddenly in the middle of a jam.

you know it is a bad day when
you go to the swimming pool shower and realized you had left your toiletries at your workplace.

you know it is a bad day when
you go to the swimming pool and you get cruised by a close to 80 yr old hunchback bespectacled naked old man.

you know it is a bad day when
you return to an empty home at the end of the day.

you know it is a bad day when
your utility bill for the month register a lower electricity, water and gas usage compared to the month before yet your bill was higher cos of the price hike for electricity.

you know it is a bad day when
you hit dinner time and you feel hungry yet don't feel like eating.

you know it is a bad day when
you end up convincing yourself you are hungry and force down 2 chocolate biscuit, 8 sausages and a can of beer just to fulfill the need to eat something at dinner time.

you know it is a bad day when
you end up staring at the tv and watch re-runs of news of the day.

you know it is a fucking bad day when
everything that you have listed up here happened to you in proper chronological order within one single day!

you are just glad you are going to retire from the bad day.

online behaviour

am being cheeky in this post and shall do a bit of reflections about online behaviours. sometime back, i blogged about the reasons why people sent hearts to others online in fridae. and i do suggest that some of the reasons could be totally irrational and perhaps all about self-ego/ insecurities. so, here, i shall try to attempt to list the possible reasons why some people have thousands and thousands of friends in their friend list in facebook.

firstly, it is really possible that one can be so popular that he/ she keeps getting requests. in which case, the only reasons i could think of are that he/ she is really attractive or has some qualities/ x-factor that attracts people from across the whole range of demographic profile to want to be his/ her friend. to such a type of person, i would say - "you are really lucky!" and i would suggest that people that fall into such a category would belong to a small percentage of the overall population.

for others who do not fall into the category above, the only other reason why they have so many friends could only be that they keep requesting unabashedly people to be their friend. and i could think of a few possible reasons to explain this behaviour as follows:

• they actually have so many friends (possible but highly unlikely if you ask me)

• they want to impress upon people that they are popular (they have ego problems or perhaps, they are simply insecure)

• requesting for friends wontonly has become a habit and he/ she has become addicted to it (in which case, they have a behavioural disorder)

• they have too much time and have click all possible buttons there are to click... so, the only other thing left to click is to add/ request for friends (which then goes back to behavioural disorder)

what i have suggested above are two extremes. and i am sure that most people that have thousands of friends in their friend list fall somewhere in between the two group of extremes. so, my question to you if you fall into this list of people is - "which category are you?" heh heh... as i have said, i am just being cheeky with this posting. cos i've also noticed bee has so many friends in his list (over 2000!). and similarly, my question to him is - "are you the first of the second category?" heh heh...

:-)

ultimate pain

you know what is ultimate pain?

it is when you apply qin cao you (chinese herb-based iodine solution) onto a raw cut/ fresh wound on your sensitive areas!

ouch! ouch! ouch!

pain

you know what is pain?

it is when you apply qin cao you (chinese herb-based iodine solution) onto a raw cut/ fresh wound.

ouch!

being me!

received an sms from a friend just minutes ago. and he asked "what's this i heard abt this person in your company being sacked for molesting someone?". well, told him i know nothing about it and that if he has news, he should share with me. he replied "no, you tell me! you go find out and tell me, you are resourceful enough to do it i am sure." i replied that i have no interest in finding out such things and that i would rather leave it as it is (not that i am interested in it anyway). then again, it would not be wise of me to do so considering i am also being monitored by my security department. and he replied jokingly that since i am being tracked, i should just leave and be an ops manager in some schools... for that moment, i felt angry. i felt angry that someone out there had wanted me to do something for his own curiosity. i felt angry that despite sounding half-joking, he was insensitive and had demanded of such things knowing jolly well the situation i am in and the complications i had gone through just to stay in my job. i felt angry that he had trivialised my situation. i replied, rather sarcastically - i'd rather talk less. let them continue to track. on my part, earning 3 times the pay of an ops manager compensates for everything. well, of cos i was not serious when i said earning 3 times the pay. he stopped his sms-ing immediately.

sms was perhaps not the best media to sent such sensitive stuff. then again it was just me. i don't like people to demand things of me. if you want, ask politely. i may just do it. and if i turn you down, don't insist. don't insist and tell me i must do this, i must do that... even if i am wrong. i might turn around and bite. just becos i don't feel like doing it.

hmmph!

furnitures

after months of looking, i have finally placed a booking for a nice set of 3-seater sofa and a marble dining set (round table a 4 stools - very chinese! very kopi tiam-like) for my home! set me back by a little more than 2k! and the whole thing happened so fast! you see, bee and i decided to head to parkway parade to window shop this afternoon and next thing i knew, i bought the furniture!

it's amazing how fast it all happened considering we had gone shopping many times and not able to find something that i like over the pass months. and then all of a sudden, the transaction just happened. perhaps this is what some call "oh, it's like as though the furniture speaks to you lor..." heh heh... another way of looking at it could be "ah... i give up!... just get it la!" well, for me, i think it was a case of the former. simply fell in love with the pieces of furniture when i set eyes on them.

now, i shall make arrangements to choose my marble for the table / stool top and await for the delivery in dec! decided that it should be delivered in mid-dec. and from now till then, i will repaint my apartment and get a contractor to polish my flooring too! wooooooo... it'll be like having a new home for my coming birthday and christmas!

:-)

gayman's taboo

well... it was after the dragon boat training. and we were in the shed waiting for the ladies to complete washing up. and a biker on a nice rugged looking bike rode up to the shed. he went straight to the locker. i recognized him as the swimming instructor from my estate and called out to him... "hey!"

he looked at me for a second and gave me an blank look.

"well, changi green? you are swimming instructor there rite?" i went.

and next thing i knew his face brightened up and he exclaimed: "oh, you are the one with this xxxxx company rite?"

i nodded smilingly...

"wah... i can't recognize you, you have put on a lot of weight... you are so fat now..." he continued. and sensing something wrong, he quickly corrected himself... "so, so muscular now."

ya, rite... i was dumbfounded. i had to force a smile... hmmm... i might not be a woman. but being a gay man, saying i am fat is worst than if i were a woman! and worst still, he said it like it was the most natural thing on earth too! damned it! hmmph!

wtf!

:-)

bbq

again, it was fun. a perfect way to end the day!

if i might say, there was just too much too much food. as usual, both in terms of variety as well as quantity. hmmm... lets see what we had... 21 chicken wings, a huge pot of chicken curry, 1 huge squid, 1 kg prawns, half kg of pork, 1 kg of ngoh hiang, over 20 hotdogs & picnic sausages, 50 sticks of satay, 2 dozen otah, lots of salad, 2 large french loaves, sweet potatoes, lots of fruits, wine, beers, 3 dozen packets of drinks, 6 litres of fruit juice, fruit jelly, and so on...

and there was only 8-9 of us. from what was prepared, i thought it was enough to feed 20 persons!

then again, as i was telling lk, it was not the bbq-ing and eating of the food per se. rather, it was the interactions during the whole of the afternoon, the process of making, cutting, cooking, preparing, and so on that we found most satisfying.

:-)

dragon boating!!!

yes! it was a really hectic but fun-filled day!

the dragon boat fam training was really interesting! when we (my uni - yes germs, if only you could join us - and a couple of personal friends) arrived there, there was already a huge gathering of junior college and uni students doing their warming-up and training. they were going oohs and aahs with their war-cries. the typical war-cry one would expect of a professional dragon boating team. it was a little intimidating i must say. well, what do you expect rite? considering we were a heterogeneous group of mostly first timers and that amongst the 7-8 of us, some were totally out of shape, some looked like maids... even our dressing was a bit "undragon-boaty". and sitting by the side of the bedok reservoir jogging track while awaiting the rest of the group to arrive, we were subjected to stares by joggers and passer-bys (a lot of cute looking gaymen too!... ok, ok, that is another story)... only god knows what went on in their head when they looked at us, and then looked at the young sweet things with their oohs and aahs... and turning back to look at us again... heh heh... of cos, we continued our joking and laughing unabashedly. at times, i wondered if our laughters were weak attempts at masking our insecurities or perhaps our attempts at encouraging each other!

but of cos, soon enough, the trainer came (as in arrived... heh heh...), and hmmm... quite a decent looking one too. 22 yr old. and well, ahem, his macho shit behaviour would have had us believed he was straight until he started hitting upon my bee bee after the training... i mean, who would come up to you, and out of no appropriate context, start to talk about gym, cali fitness (aka gay central), working out and stuff rite? heh...

ok, back to the dragon boating experience. it was not as difficult as i had expected. the techniques was totally different to kayaking (that i was familiar with). but the principles of paddling and controlling the boat was similar, except that it had to be done as a team. so, my biggest takeaway was that dragon boating was more about team-building, about teamwork. how fast the boat move depends on good teamwork and chemistry amongst the team members. after rowing for about an hour, we were able to row in unison. not too smooth but we managed 300m in quite a decent timing.

most importantly, we all had loads of fun.

:-)

happy deepavali

today is the indian's festival of lights again. and so, i wish all my indian friends a very very happy diwali aka happy deepavali!

:-)

(photo courtesy of http://blog.sajithm.com)

wat a week

been a real hectic week. new course has started. new students. new demands. late nights and the works. well... guess all this comes as part of the extension of service. part and parcel of life i guess.

then again, time flies when the schedule is hectic. and yes! it's weekend again! and i've been so looking forward to this weekend! will be having a dragon boat fam training with my friends followed by bbq at my place on sunday. and so, it's house cleaning, shopping, etc etc etc before that! so... yup! weekend's gonna be no less hectic. but, i am sure it'll be very fulfilling and fun!

:-)

mak

mak - that is how i address my mum. it's a malay term for "mother". and that's how she had taught us all to address her since we were young. a result of her peranakan (straits born chinese) background. and my earliest memories of my mum was when i was nothing more than 2-3 years old. that was the time when i could still fit in and sleep in the suspended sarong and when i could still be carried and placed on the dining table for my meals. she would feed me using her hands and while feeding me, she would patiently teach me the malay terms for the dishes she cooked. "sayur... telor... ikan... nasi... etc".

these fond memories of my toddler days are still so vivid.

ok, back to her fall. called her up this morning to check on her. her giddiness had stopped. that was a good sign. her whole body still ached nonetheless. so i advised her to take some pain killers and rest for the day.

just glad things are ok.

:-)

mum

called my mum this morning and she sounded terrible. learned from her that she fell down twice in the middle of the last nite. as a result, her body has been aching like crazy and she's feeling giddy too. told her to rest and to take painkillers.

will see how. if her giddiness does not disappear tomorrow, i'll take her to the doctor.

bloated

something is wrong somewhere. since last week, started to have this weird pain in my right elbow. think it is similar to what people refer to as "tennis elbow". the only issue is that i don't play tennis. and this pain has lingered.

and today, i felt very bloated suddenly after lunch. and i felt very breathless. was a very uneasy feeling. i had to lock my office door, unbuckle my belt, loosen my pants and take deep breathes. the bloated sensation has not subsided although i could breathe better now. think i better get some medication before i hit the sack tonite.

wtf!

confirmation of extension

finally got the confirmation of extension today and signed the option form accepting it. so, yes, it's confirmed. i will leave my organisation on 1 aug 09.

and i emailed my security department to inform them of the extension. and soon enough, the officer covering me replied - "yes, we already know. your extension had been cleared by us." well, not the exact words per se but you get the idea. then again, to me, who my hr had cleared with was not my problem and neither was i supposed to know. i am only being `obedient'. as i was required to. just exactly as they termed it - `behaving responsibly'.

and of cos, i also included in the email where i went to and who i went with for my holiday recently for their info and records. again, as i was required to.

of marriages & lost cars

been having weird dreams lately...

two nights back, i was kept awake the whole night by dreams of marriages (between me and a woman - yes! a woman!... weird)... of waiting for it to happen but it never did. woke up, fell asleep and the dream recurred. similar conceptually but in different costumes and setting. and again, i woke up, fell asleep and the same dream repeats itself again. and again, same concept, different dressing, different setting. that was two nights ago.

and last nite, it was about me losing my car... walked up and down the car park to look for it. cannot find. and i repeated the search in a red car. drove around the whole car park, up and down, up and down... but still i couldn't find my car.

and on both nites, i kept tossing & turning. very disturbed sleep.

cannot make sense out of it. anyone can unravel these dreams?

of ferries & fairies

was at the trevvy forum and as usual there were lots of postings in the missed connections thread... one particular posting caught my eyes... it goes:

"anyone here went for the halloween party at changi fairy point chalet last night? pm me! :)"

i think he meant "ferry" but misspelling it as "fairy" seemed rather appropriate too if you know what i mean!

:-)