final lap?

received a call from my mum that my dad had had a fall when i was in office at about 7.30pm last evening. she said following this fall, he vomited and that he could not get up anymore. i quickly packed up and on my way home, decided that i should evacuate him to the hospital. called the ambulance and decided to make my way to the hospital instead. he was found to be very drowsy when the ambulance arrived.

the doctor made some initial test and decided to ward him immediately. at the ward, he was semi-conscious and could not recognise me anymore. his saliva was flowing and he vomited again. the doctor tried to help him clear his bowels and following that, i was told his signs were stable and that i could go back to rest. that was close to 11.30pm.

this morning, got another call from the hospital that the family should decide how the hospital should proceed. apparently, his condition has worsen. his kidneys have apparently deteriorated a lot more since two weeks back and that his liver is now near total failure. the doctor told us that we could either leave him and let it be or that we could admit him into the intensive care unit where he could be put on life-sustaining machines. either way, the doctor said that given his multiple organ failure, we should prepare for the worst.

i knew at the moment that his time is almost up. called up my siblings (including my brother). we came to the agreement that whichever solution it is, he should not suffer so much and that if letting him slip away is the best and with the least suffering, we will do so. despite my level-headedness and sometimes frustrations of trying to manage matters thus far, i find my eyes red and choking. but well, the time will come. that is part of life.

as of now, we are making our way to the hospital.

this might be our last visit.

children's day song

interesting to note that there are many people who have visited my blog for the children's day song.

managed to find the song as sung in ndp 2006 and have pasted it here. listening to it, i must say that i don't like the new make over version. totally destroy the song. but i enjoy the back ground singers who kept to the tune of the original version (well, the version that i used to sing as a kid).

to eat or not to eat

one or two months ago, the doctor from cgh told me that my dad's kidneys are failing and that we should not give him any salt in his diet - read - no salt... not even low salt. that got us all worried cos without salt, things will be bland and will be a real challenge for my dad. and that is definitely not to way to spent your last days on earth. and some time later, the doctor at national cancer center told us that we should give him what he wants cos his time is almost up. and one week later, when my dad was hospitalised again, the doctor told us that we need not avoid salt altogether but should minimise salt intake to lessen the stress on his kidneys. well, all these instructions sound kinda conflicting but it all boils down to one common theme - avoid or lessen the salt content at all cost.

this of cos sounds easy. and so over the last couple of weeks, we've been used very little salty stuff in our cooking. we took great care to not add salt, or at most, just a wee little bit of soya sauce in his food. being a fussy eater, my dad had complained that the food is not nice and had asked for coffee shop food etc. we are literally caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. add a bit more salt, spoil his kidney, add less salt, he will not eat and hypoglycaemia will set-in very quickly. either way, it won't do. we are all at our wits ends. and my mum has resorted to giving him milo or cooking sweet potato porridge.

couple of days ago, he called me and asked my to buy hor fun for him. told him no. he cannot eat such food. yesterday, he called me at my office and asked me to buy popiah for him. again i told him no. while my refusal was based on the desire to minimize stress on his kidneys, i am somewhat disturbed by the fact that if i do not buy for him, i will probably be ridden with the guilt of not fulfilling a dying man's wish to eat what he wants when he dies in the very near future.

difficult. difficult. such a simple act, yet such dilemmas.

in the end, i relented and bought him a popiah today. but i controlled. got the popiah less chinese sausage and restricted his intake by giving him only 2 slices of it. is this too much salt? well, i do not know. but all i know is that i have tried to balance between giving him and restricting him. that is about the most i can do now.

surprised...

"hello, can i speak to mr xxx?"... "erm, mr xxx, it's regarding the interview you came for last week... well, we would like to offer you another post instead..."...

well, you get the gist. i am fundamentally surprised. so much so i didn't know what to do and just sat in my car for a short moment. dazed. i had applied for a short-term contract job. but i got an offer for a long term job.

issue is, the job sounds boring. so, now, it's a case of - should i listen to my heart or listen to my head? tensions between the heart and the mind... again. but well, i see it as a happy problem. some of my friends asked me to go for it. i've asked to speak with the management again to better understand the job scope before i decide if i should take it up...

:-)

convocation gown

collected (actually, i bought it to be exact) the convocation gown this afternoon. my third convocation in my life... first my bsc in 1990, then my bsc(hons) in 1991 and now my ma-idt in 2008. and i must say that the ma-idt gown looks a bit more elaborate, more folds, and the hood comes with more contrasting coloured stripes/ linings... looks grander certainly.

looking forward to the convocation proper on 26 jul.

:-)

interview

went for a job interview today. arranged kinda last minute as a result of a recommendation from a friend of mine. a panel of 3 ladies, or rather, 2 ladies (one of which is a super duper high flyer) and a note-taker. the interview lasted some 40min. and the questions were rather straight forward. the usual questions about my past experiences, convincing the panel why i am the best person for the job and so on. and it was a very pleasant interview too. a lot of laughter and conducted in a very no-stress manner. but underneath the laughter was the very serious agenda of sensing each other. for them, sensing my worth and for me, sensing my potential boss. and i must say, i believed i have created a good impression. and i have also got a very good impression of my potential boss.

the only thing that is in the way now is my term of service with my current employer. if my application to leave early is not approved (and that i have to serve till the end of the year), then the job goes to for there is a very high urgency to get this post filled as the incumbent is due to leave end of this month.

let's hope for the best.

out of hospital

received a call from the cgh doctor this morning. he told me that my dad had asked to be discharged. according to the doctor, while it would be good if he could stay in hospital, he is `ok enough' to be discharged. my mum was visibly upset that my dad has asked to be discharged cos she felt strongly that he should stay longer to recuperate. the doctor also he cautioned against a few things - stick to low salt diet, adjust the insulin level, constantly observe him - and if he complains of tummy ache, fail to pass motion, shows signs of hypoglycaemia, we have to immediately evacuate him to the hospital.

my gut feel... that will probably happen very soon. cos all these symptoms are those that my dad consistently experience...

it rained!

as i said, whenever i wash my car, it will rain.

and yes, damned it! it rained today!

of sanitary napkins & beakers

often i would get calls from friends asking science questions when they get caught not knowing the answers while giving their children tuition... this happened again this evening when i was walking about at parkway parade with bee. i got a call from lay pheng and the conversation went something like that:

lpheng: xxx, can i ask you a science question? i am giving my son science tuition and we got into this argument...

me: ok, go on...

lpheng: ok, ok... listen ah... there are 3 beakers. these beakers were covered with a piece of cover to which a fixed amount of water was poured. for the first beaker, the water stayed on the surface. for the second, the cover got soaked and altho it felt damp, it looked dry. for the last beaker, the water got soaked and the cover looked dry. but some of the water seeped thru the cover and could be seen in the beaker. now the question is - which of the cover is most absorbent?

me: of cos it's the second one la...

lpheng: why? why not the third? my son and i were arguing about it!

me: well, think about sanitary napkins... (thinking of cos of the whisper brand advertisement... freedom! ~~~ :-)

lpheng (momentarily dumbfounded...): ahhh... oh, ok... got it... thanks.

we hung up after that... sensing her dilemma with such an analogy, i quickly sent her an sms... `you can see the same principles being applied in the pampers (baby diapers) advertisement'

sure enough, she replied:`oh, ok, this one easier to explain'.

i smiled to myself and carried on my shopping.

car wash

went to shop for stove again. couldn't find it. went to best denki to check out the service hotline to call for my spoilt clothes dryer... will call tomorrow... and finally, went about washing my car. and it was weird cos often the little angel and devil in my head will go into this little debate about whether to spent on car wash or save that $5 and wash the car myself. and tonite, the little angel won. i ended up washing my car at my car park, saved the $5 and most importantly, got to also clean my car mats, wiped the interior as well as wipe the areas under the boot - yes, under the boot...

:-)

and i must say, the car looks very clean now. and i do add - smells clean too. but trust you me, if anything were to go by, tomorrow, it will sure rain... it always happen after i wash my car! never fail...

time

of late, i seemed to have a lot of work... a lot of personal family stuff to settle, yet a lot of time on my own... ya, i know it sounds kinda contradictory but well...

• there's a lot of work cos it is the time of the year where we have lots of exercises and assignments and that is where i got all bogged down with marking assignment and stuff...

• with what's happening in my family, it's rather understandable why i have a lot of personal family stuff...
  

• and a lot of time on my own... ok, this one is a bit tricky... firstly, i had finished my studies, so there is no more evening classes, then, if i am not required to stay late for work, i will be free to do what i want. cos of late, bee has been busy with his waffle stuff and would stay late late late daily at the shop if he is not attending nite school. this translates to extra time for me... time where i do not use to have.

but for now, given the current term i am managing, this extra time is still not felt so strongly. i reckon when the current term ends this coming week, i will begin to find myself with much more time. and that is where i think i will have to start planning my evening programmes. well, perhaps on the bright side, i will then be able to catch up with my own admin, catch up with friends for long overdue dinners, spent more time with family, and so on. time to rekindle old friendship and start making more re-connections.

:-)

gold medal

i wrote about a graduation interview sometime back. well, it was not really a graduation interview per se. actually, it was an interview for a medal to be awarded for overall best student for the graduating cohort for my masters programme. it was an interesting experience becos when i received the call, i was told that i was one of the many possible candidates earmarked to be the best student and that given the award is coated with gold and is quite expensive, the sponsor for the award (the singapore teacher's union) wanted to interview shortlisted candidates before deciding who they should award the medal to. well, i was kinda surprise cos to me, i had assumed that best student would be an easy process of looking at the overall grades attained.

nonetheless, i went for the interview. nothing to lose for me. in fact, if i did win, it would be a nice topping for me. not expecting anything at all and not even sure what i was in for. the interview itself was straight forward but i found it rather interesting. funny if i may add. the sponsor for the medal did not even know that i was not a teacher. he was even more surprised when i told him i did not attend formal teacher training. my own impression from the questions asked by the medal sponsor was that the eventual winner should preferably be a teacher and that he/ she should be able to contribute to the teacher's union. i walked out of the interview smiling at how this whole episode was managed, and rather tickled by how this whole thing was conducted. i asked - if they had wanted a teacher, why go through the process of shortlisting me? was the criteria not clear? why call it best student medal in the first place if it is not about (1) the results, and (2) meant for teachers? why not call it a award for moe-teachers attending the programme? or perhaps it's called this way due to some branding considerations :-)

anyway, two days ago, i received an email telling me that i was not successful for the medal (well, heh heh... no surprise actually). and ya, kinda cliche, but well, am still glad that i was shortlisted for such an award.

cleared of stuff

the last 8 boxes or so of james' things were finally cleared yesterday. james had earlier indicated he would be calling a mover to shift the things. and after ding donging for a while over a suitable time, we finally found last afternoon suitable for both sides.

i was at home clearing my email when heard someone called out to sapphie. and sapphie, in her usual response to familiar people, barked and ran around the house. it was james' dad. it took me a while to recognise him for i have not seen him since nov 05 (when i joined his family to celebrate james birthday at shangri-la). anyway, when he saw the stuff, he was caught off-guard for a moment. it was lucky that i was home for james' dad was not able to manage all the boxes. each weigh easily more than 20kg and rather heavy for the dad and the helper that came along. the helper was a lanky late 50s, 60 plus year old man who double up as the bus driver. i ended up helping them carry the boxes, one by one to the lift. and then from the lift to the bus. not easy due to the weight and the fact that i had sprained my back just hours earlier. we managed to do it in the end. we chatted as we carried. it was like talking to an old friend. we spoke of my dad, about james' mum, about old age, about arthritis, and so on. it was that old familiar feeling. kinda weird cos i had hardly interacted with his dad previously, but somehow, that half hour of interaction seemed rather warm.

when they left, the house again looked empty. but to me, it was more than that. it marked the finale and end of a chapter for me.

things afailing

do you sometimes go through periods where you experience all sorts of bad things happening? the kinda experience that you end up feeling frustrated, where everything that can possibly go wrong just go all wrong? the kinda experience that leaves you totally irritated and frustrated? well, i am experiencing that now... some of the things that irk me over the last few days include:

• aunties and family members who come to visit my mum and end up `inspecting' the house and giving suggestions as to where the maid should sleep, what the maid so do... la la la... i mean, wtf rite? i have not even agreed to hiring a maid! and everyone is talking about it as though hiring a maid can solve all problems! and to top things, everyone is giving suggestions as to how i should spent my money...

• sister that says hiring a maid is definitely a breeze for me cos being a person who occupies a senior position in my organisation, it is not possible that i do not have money... that i earn a lot a lot of money... and she went on to tell me that i should replace my kitchen stove, la la la... and when i tell her i may have financial difficulties, she started to ask where are all my savings, and went on to calculate my monthly expenses... never have i felt more intruded in my life.

and of course, the many small but irritating things that adds up to the overall stress level...

• car auto-lock that screws up all of a sudden yesterday

• house flooring tat starts to have `popping' sounds when you step on it... i think the marble flooring needs a change after 10 years

• kitchen stove that explodes (one single outlet)

• sofa that, after 5 year, begins to tear

• reclining chair in the living room that, also after 4-5 years, begins to tear

• clothes dryer that suddenly stop working

anyway, it just seemed like everything that can possibly screw up, is screwing up... and they are all screwing up altogether! and admittedly when things like these happen, i get irritable, and will start to pick of small things... and will them irritate me further... suddenly it seemed like my dog is shedding a lot more, suddenly it seemed like my car is more dirty than usual (and i really think so)... suddenly my room is more messy, my living room needs a sweep, my kitchen needs a wash, my bed needs new bedsheets, and the list goes on and on and on and....

arghhh!

becoming uncle

well, not an uncle as in nephew-uncle type of uncle, rather, i mean - uncle as in heartland ah chek-type... well, you see, i think i have come to the age where i began behaving like an uncle even without realizing it...

and i am saying this cos earlier on, after picking bee up and dinner, we decided to head towards best denki vivo. and bee started walking around looking at dvds and cds... and there i was, shopping and hunting for gas stove ala la germainia... i mean, how much more auntie can i get... looking around, everyone around me were looking at dvds, dvd players, sound blasters, la la la... and well, all of them were young, well, i mean, younger than me...

i really really think i have become very very uncle now...

hmmph!

facing death

earlier on, while lying in bed next to my mum, i asked her - do you feel afraid of death? do you feel scared seeing your siblings die, one by one? and do you feel afraid now that you are seeing death coming dad's way?... well, not exactly those words per se, but you get the idea.

and surprising, she replied that she's not. i took the opportunity to share with her how buddhist teachings advocate managing death. and i decided to push the limit and started to talk about managing my dad's eventual demise. surprisingly, she shared that my dad had spoken to her about it and that he had left some words about how we should manage his funeral. also, she told me that my brother will be arranging for the funeral. must say that i am rather relieved to hear her talk about it. i think she has come to accept the fact that he will not be with us much longer. told her not to `kek sim'... and to manage it as it comes. consoled her that my dad has had a good life and that he is fortunate to have lived this long after his last major operation in 2001.

i must admit that despite all the talk, i am myself worried about my mum. will she be lonely? will she be able to manage herself? there are just too many questions...

and for now, i have no answers...

job opening

a friend of mine recently asked if i was interested in a job (as his boss actually)... well, the job sounds really exciting and challenging and frankly i am not sure if i can heck it. but i think i'll give it a try. it's a one year contract but it comes with huge huge exposure in the mice sector. and given the urgency to fill the job, it might see me leaving my current job as early as sep/ oct. managed to rush thru a quick cv over the weekend and have been told that the directors would like to meet up with me. the interview has been arranged on next fri. let's see how things develop from there.

:-)

pneumonia

last evening, my dad felt cold and shivered non stop despite the heat and the humidity. felt something amiss. called kl and was advised to seek evaluation by medical experts. in the end, activated the ambulance and the cgh a & e doctors found that he has pneumonia.

he was eventually warded. and i guess it was the oxygen they gave that made him a bit confused. he was complaining away that the ambulance staff has stolen his wallet, that the ward nurses had ignored him for 5 hours and so on... well, of course these were not true for i had his wallet with me and that the nurses could not possibly have ignored him for 5 hours cos he had just been admitted. to make matter worst, he also wet the bed and made quite a din in the ward. this afternoon, when i visited him, he was again, complaining and cursing the doctors and nurses. my sis was there too and for a moment, i also noted my sis losing her patience with him. i guess his condition has somehow deteriorated and perhaps his delirium was due to the enriched oxygen gas that he was fixed with.

as for my mum, after her epidural yesterday, she has been feeling giddy and has been bedridden the whole of today. i had taken urgent leave to look after her and to settle my dad's admin at the hospital. managed to bring up the topic of death to my mum. and she was able to talk about it. this is something that i think i need to continue to engage her in so that when my dad passes away, it will not be too hard on her.

liver liver liver

dad visited the national cancer center and the doctor confirmed that he has cancer. however, his deterioration in his health was not due to cancer. instead, it was due to liver cirrhosis. and the doctor also added that given his age, it would be wise not to do anything. not to the liver, not to the cancer. that means, let it be and let it slowly eat the life away. accordingly, in not doing anything, it might just allow dad to at least live a couple of months peacefully and without pain.

3 months

my dad was muttering to himself yesterday. he said something like - well, doctor said i have only 3months left. and his voice tapered off after that. it didn't sound like he was scared, just resigned. and i wondered how i would react if i were in his shoes.

today, as i thought about what he said, it reminded me of a few things that i have come across many times in my life. one sentence stood out and that is - birth, old age, sickness, death, these are natural cycles of life and is not avoidable. so, rather than try to avoid them, we should accept them and manage them as they come. this sentence comes from the buddhist readings that i had gathered from the temple. and it also reminded me of another book i read that discusses about how one should prepare for or help one's loved one prepare for death. it is a book about dying. the book also describes the death process and the emotions and thoughts that one would probably experience as he / she undergo the process of dying.

despite knowing the few things that the book suggests, it is really not easy to implement some of the things in real life. but i do find one suggestion useful and that is - talk about it. don't avoid it. talking about it helps to remove the fear of dying. give the dying the assurance that things are in control and that if he or she dies, things will be well. guess this emotional assurance is probably what my dad needs now. and perhaps this is why he had reminded my brother not to quarrel with me when he dies. also, talking about it helps the people around the dying manage the process. it gives them the emotional outlet and helps them cope with the eventual loss.

sick

it's sickness festival at home.

• i have finally given in to stress and am now `officially' down with flu. fever, runny nose, cough, phlegm, headaches, you name it, i have it... and have just been given 2 days mc to rest at home. but well, considering the amount of marking i have to do, i'll probably spent my time doing marking instead.

• my dad is, even as i type this entry, undergoing a check up at the national cancer center. i am personally not optimistic about how things will go. looking at him deteriorate over the last couple of months is like seeing flowers wilt right in front of your very eyes. just 3 months back, he was able to go out of the house by himself. today, he can hardly stand. and he has to walk with a walking frame. and he walks slower than liang po po.

• my mum will undergo epidural injection tomorrow as part of the treatment to manage her pain. it's been getting worst over the last year and at times, she can hardly walk. much as i want to help her, there is absolutely nothing that i can do except to tell her to endure. and admittedly, sometimes, she'd complain so much it really gets to me. but i have refrained from showing any anger. need to understand her plight. no choice. have to manage.

i am beginning to appreciate how difficult it can be - both mentally as well as physically, to manage old people. it is perhaps something that most, if not all of us, has to go through at some point in our lives. and i think the process in managing older people itself, is a learning process and we invariably will come out more learned and perhaps more mature.

and in time to come, i will also age.

wisdom

had taken the phrase `with age, come wisdom' as the `truth' without asking too much about it. my doubts about this phrase started when james disagreed with it and that led to quite a lengthy debate about it. left me hanging and reflecting on it for quite a while. i had no answers and had left it as it was. after breaking up with james and learning lifes' lessons, i reframed it as `with experience comes wisdom'.

a recent exchange with friend led me to reframe the phrase to `wisdom comes from living'... for only through living life will the experience be acquired. knowledge acquired through books is nothing but just knowledge.

:-)

thinking of james

a friend (cannot recall if it was francis or dennis) recently asked me: "do you still think of james?..."

of course, i think of him. for that matter, i think of him almost everyday. to me, james was, and still is, a part of me and a part of my family. and it is not easy not to think of your family right? after spending 7 years together, it is impossible to just cut someone off. even if one wants to. for me, no matter what, he will always be there and he will always be a very dear person to me. that we are apart does not mean i do not think of him anymore. and thinking of james does not mean i love my bee bee any less too.

when he came to get his stuff from the house last weekend, it was a feeling of awkwardness for me where on one hand, i very much want to talk and chat with him, and for that matter, even give him a super super tight hug. i so very much wanted that. but on the other hand, i had to restrain myself cos of the presence of a self-imposed invisible wall. i mean, if i were to hug, how would he take to it, how would his bf take to it... etc... and things were moving based on some unsaid common understanding of each other's moves, thinking and so on. and i thought i sensed his momentary awkwardness in managing jack and me too. if so, it was natural and to be expected i guess.

i would have behaved similarly if bee was around.

i need rest

been a totally exhausting week, both mentally and physically. just completed conducting a major assignment for my students over the last two days and each day, it ended up coming home at past 12midnight. the mental worries about the systems, the process, the conduct, la la la coupled with all the additional worries about home, about my mum, my dad... etc really got to me.

have started coughing and loosing my voice. this is the clearest sign that my system is breaking down very soon. i need to really recuperate and rest over this weekend cos next two weeks will be another stressful one before the current term ends.

awake

it is coming to 1.30am... and i am still wide awake. physically and mentally i am really tired. but still, i am not able to sleep...

i am so gonna hate the feeling at 6.15am later...

and considering it is the start of a new school term, the traffic's gonna be one helluva kind! arghhh!

james & jack

finally had the chance to meet jack. i did not feel awkward when it came to meeting jack. but it did certainly make me a bit more conscious about how i should behave when it came to james. and the fact that i am james' ex must have made it somewhat awkward for him. anyway, i am glad i got to meet him.

anyway, james came along. looked at the humongous lot of stuff, sifted thru some of them. selected quite a few boxes and together with jack, carried them to the estate rubbish dump and threw them away. for a moment, i felt angry. angry that he threw away those stuff that i had preserved and kept for him. all the things that i had cleaned and maintained over time. well, granted some of them had turned mouldy, but... and there were some stuff like printers and cork-boards that he asked if i wanted. i told him to throw them away if he does not need them anymore. so in the end, they moved some of the stuff back, left 8 boxes for the movers to move and a few boxes of stuff to be discarded. took me a while to throw them away. they were heavy. but it was the weight in my heart that weighed me down when i carried them to the estate rubbish dump.

well, there were some stuff that james wanted to bring home... and jack asked - why? when will u ever use them?... instinctively, i wanted to react - hey, that's james' stuff and there are certain things that you cannot dictate.. esp things that we bought together... it's kinda weird, but that is the kinda feeling that i still get when i felt challenged. for that moment, i hated jack.

but haha, he is after all, james' bf now. he wouldn't know the history behind each of the object that had been packed. anyway, there is only so much i can say and there is only so much right i have as an ex. i have to let go. and yup, as dennis rightly said, it's kinda weird moving one's ex things out of the house. but in a way, it's liberating...

ps: there was one particular photo of james and i, taken when he graduated that i had wanted to keep but dare not ask. initially he wanted to throw it away, but in the end, he took the box home, saying that he wanted to sift thru the stuff... that is probably one of the very very few photos we ever take together as a couple...

storeroom

james' things have been kept in the storeroom over the past 3 years. the room has finally been cleared and they are all placed in the living room. reflecting, the storeroom had in fact been a place where i had stored all the memories and artifact of our 7-yr relationship. as i packed, each piece of stuff remind me of specific incident, specific time of the 7 year, of his face, his moods, etc...

everything just simply flashed by.

he will be collecting some of the stuff today. jack will be helping him. and i think he will probably throw away quite a bit of stuff and leave some of the boxes to be collected another day. there are just too many things to be moved.

my mum asked innocently this morning - how come only you are doing the packing? how come james did not come and help, since it is all his stuff...

well...

managing stress

i noticed that over the last two weeks, each and everyone of us in the family has been under some sort of stress over my dad's conditions. without making any judgments of them, i would say that each of us has managed it differently.

• my mum. she has been having sleepless nights just worrying about my dad. asked her if she was able to sleep well now that my dad is away in hospital, she replied that she had not been able to sleep worrying about his swollen leg, worrying about his liver cancer... putting myself in her shoes, i can understand her worries. it must have been difficult for her to manage the stress and accepting the eventuality that my dad's time will come soon.

• my sisters. they have been doing what they can by visiting my dad. there is really not much they can do. can sense that they are loosing their temper faster these days. certainly don't like to get into the situation where differences in opinions end up with tensions, just like the way my eldest sis had responded when i shared with her my concerns of hiring a maid. sighs...

• my (ex) bro. he has been visiting dad at the hospital daily to bathe him and to see him. he is the closest to my dad. i think he will probably be the hardest hit when my dad passes away. and i think i will have the greatest tensions with him when it comes to managing the funeral and stuff.

• me. personally, don't find it easy. sensing that everyone is assuming i am unfeeling about my dad's condition. seemed like my acceptance of his eventual demise as a natural development of things has been perceived as me not caring. and it gets more and more difficult to communicate with all of them.

guess we all have our own ways of managing stress. it's so difficult and i find myself treading a very fine line between communicating objectively and sounding uncaring when it comes to my own family members.

packing james' stuff

went to ikea to purchase packing boxes and spent the whole evening packing james' books, files and so on. filled the 8 huge boxes i purchased and it's still not enough to completely pack his stuff. plus all the other boxes that i had packed 2 years back, coupled with the clothes etc,... it came up to about 20 boxes. each about 30kg.

a lot i must say. but well, it's accumulated over 7 years.

felt rather down and glum as i went about packing. not a sense of catharsis. rather, it was a sense of lost. felt like i'm finally cutting off a part of me, for good. my mum sat by me, looking on as i packed. she did not utter a single word. she knew it was james' stuff. and somehow, i sensed she understood how i felt. for a moment, it felt like i was clearing stuff of someone who had left me for good, someone who had died. but i dare not say it out. lest she equates it to preparing for my dad's passing. well, i have to be sensitive during this period. and as i packed, i cried a silent tear.

and sapphie behaved weird too, she'd usually prance around as i do my housework. but this time round, she just sat there. glum-faced. and just stared at me as i move in and out, carrying box after box. she has this uncanny ability to sense my moods.

ah well... all good things must end. and this finally, would be the finale and closure of one chapter of my life.

graduate

received a letter today that stated that i have been formally conferred the masters of arts in instructional designs and technology wef 10 june 2008.

it's a nice little morale booster amidst all the stress these couple of weeks.

:-)

peaceful sleep

told my mum to sleep well last night. she has not been sleeping well and my dad's hospitalisation would allow her some uninterrupted sleep.

for me, i was hoping to sleep well too. but the sleep was interrupted by a series of dreams. there were several dreams in all. but i remembered one - in my dream, i was in a flat (not too sure which flat tho) and checking out on the clothes hanger outside - the prefabricated ones that is often seen outside those hdb public housing. and when i reach out to check how stable the hanger was, i fell out of the window and ended up hanging precariously on the hanger. i screamed for help. the flat was rather high up (5? 10 floors?). a fall would mean immediate death for me. the hanger was slippery and at one point, one of my hand slipped. and i could feel myself loosing grip. my mum was too weak to help me, much less to pull me in. and somehow my brother appear. he was initially unwilling to help but after sometime, he reached out with his hand. i grapped it and it was cold and lifeless. that was the time i woke up.

i fell asleep again... and the next thing i knew, something in me shook me up. it was daybreak and the room i woke up to was in shades of grey. being short sighted and not wearing my specs, everything was blur... and for that split second, i couldn't recognize my own room. and then i panicked. i shouldn't be still in bed. i should be at work... i wanted to get up. but it was one of those occasion when you wanted desperately to get up but your body just wouldn't listen... struggles... and then, something in me told me to relax and sleep cos it is the weekend...

arghhh... hate it when i experience such nites...

creating capacity

for a start, i have decided to create the capacity to manage eventualities.

firstly, need to find the space. after holding on for 3 years, i finally messaged james to clear the storeroomful of his stuff. never want to do this. but urgent time calls for emergency measures. don't feel good about it. and i hope he understands.

secondly, i need to find the solution to manage my dad when he returns from hospital - probably next week. if i cannot find a domestic help in time, i should at least teach my mum how to call for an ambulance if the need arises...

thirdly... i need to think through my financial options and how to source for the cash needed to support these new requirements.

fourthly, hmmm... still thinking... well, it helps to write. it helps to consolidate my thoughts. passing thought... how to find ways to sustain and to support my own mental state of affairs?...

breathless

breathless - from several angles...

my dad was found having breathing problems today after lunch and my mum panicked. she didn't know how to call any of us. luckily she managed to call my aunt who in turn activated the ambulance. in the end, my dad was evacuated and hospitalised. apparently, he had refused to eat the food my mum prepared cos he said it tasted bland (no salt added upon medical advise). coupled with his refusal too to drink, he ended up getting dehydrated and a chain reaction occurred. it was lucky that he was evacuated fast enough.

my 2nd aunt called yesterday and suggested that i hire a maid to look after my dad. seriously, i am in a fix. on one hand, there is insufficient space in the house now. and on the other hand, financially, i am not able to afford it... more important to me, i felt that hiring a maid will not solve the problem of helping my dad as he is simply too heavy and difficult to look after. so, i might end up having a liability instead. the whole issue of thinking what's a workable solution to manage my dad is really a strangle. and it does not help that my siblings do not seem to want to talk and that every time we talk, we end up feeling very tense.

my work has been ending very late recently and all the additional tasks given to me has added a strain to me. and i am literally trying very hard to take a breather now... added to this, i am also feeling the stress about the impending career switch... argh!!!

i am feeling very stressed now and i do not know what to do...

!!!

the lady lays...

received an sms from lp two days back. she was telling me how down she felt when she learned that one of her relative and another one of her friend had been diagnosed with cancer. told her to accept it and to move on. and added that she should not be too affected by it... well, she told me that i cannot understand how she felt. for me, it was a rather interesting to read that reply given that i had only last week received news of my dad's cancer.

anyway, didn't feel the need to tell her about it. yesterday, somehow, i decided to tell her and she was shocked. and today, lk smsed. think she felt kinda apologetic for not catching up for a while. and when she learned of my dad's cancer, she thought it was high time to talk. and as we spoke, i began to appreciate the long time lag since we last had a good talk... it must have been half a year or more cos i realized she was not aware of what happened between me and my bro (or rather, ex-bro), the frequent bouts of issues with my dad's health, and so on...

nonetheless, i must say that it certainly felt good to be able to talk to her after all these while.

:-)

long days

this period one of the most trying period for the course we are managing now in college and that our students would stay late almost every night. last couple of weeks, i've been getting home rather late - at time 12-ish nightly. this week, it averaged about 9pm. very tiring. but my consolation is that this will be the last time i'll be involved in such a long teaching hours. at least in the context of what i am doing now. cos come end this year, i'd have left my set-up. for good.

so, well, i'm putting in my last bit of effort to make sure everything goes well.

think i'll miss this kinda work in future...

twice tis morning

understood from my mum that my dad fell twice last morning, very very early in the morning. and last night, my dad had woken up my mum a couple of times to bring him to the toilet - to pee, shit and to bath... in the middle of the night.

and i am worried. my mum has been on lifelong medication for her depression and she has to have regular sleep every nite. whenever she has anything less than her routine 8pm to 4.30/ 5am duration, she'll experience bad headache and fall sick easily. so, hopefully, last nite's experience with my dad getting her up at 10plus, 11plus and so on is a one off thing. else, not only will my dad be the only one sick in the house, my mum will also join him in no time...

discharged

dad was discharged from hospital today.

retiring

it's confirmed. i retire this 17 dec. and altho it has been something i had planned, somehow after today's interview, i end up feeling unwanted. a bit of a lousy feeling.

you see, my boss has been asking me to consider extending my service or even staying in the capacity of a non-uniformed personnel but in a higher appointment. i have time and again told him that i do not wish to do so and that given my security office's presence bugging me, i had made a commitment to myself that i will leave once i get my full retirement benefits at the end of this year. in my last chat with him, he asked if i would reconsider my options if he could get the security office to `leave me alone'. i told him it was not likely but if he wanted to check, he could do so. in all, the interview lasted close to 2 hours as he wanted to convince me why i should consider staying with the college and how i can help him fulfill some of the stuff he needed to get done.

today, i was again called up to his office. the interview was rather short and sharp. interview with my boss has always been very mechanical. being a practical person as he has always been, interviews are about how to get things done (his way). it was the same the last time and it was the same today. when i walked into his office today, the first thing i was told was that it was to get the formality of my interview and filling in of all the forms he needed to fill done with. secondly, he would just want to update me that my security was not ready to `leave me alone'. and this meant that come 17 dec this year, i will retire. we then went on to talk a bit about career transition and how i need sometime to manage my eventual departure from service. that was it. the interview took no more than 10min.

as i said, altho i had always planned for my departure this year, it felt somewhat better when i was the one doing the rejection. and somehow, after today's interview, i have been made to feel that i am the one being rejected. and it was because of my sexuality.

and the feeling was not too nice. it's regrettable that this should be how i end my 23-year profession with an organisation that i have grown up with an given my life to, and one that i have served - with all my commitments, blood, tears, sweat and all. now, for my part, i can only say that there is no point talking feeling sentimental about. no point talking about professionalism. no point talking about loyalty. all these ideals exist in theory. in real life, things are not the same, once you are gay. for in the end, it is about each one for himself. screw all the organisational ideals and vision and yadda yadda yadda...

time to really wake up and start looking at my own needs.

aging sapphie

observed something new about sapphie today. walked out of the bedroom and she continued lying. it was very unusual as she would usually sit up or at least look up when i walk out of my bedroom. perhaps she's just tired from the evening walk. but considering the walk was short and not as vigorous as her usual walks, i am more inclined to think it's due to her age.

have observed over the past months how she is increasingly prone to sprains, gets tired more easily, appearance of white fur on her face and tail amidst her brown/ blackish base as well as her increasing inability to keep up to the usual pace of runs/ jogs. and of late, her breathe had started to smell... and when i checked her teeth, i noted it has started to yellow - well, considering her age, her teeth can considered to have lasted very well (guessed my regularly removal of the tartar helped).

come this nov, she'll be 10 years old. that means, in human years, she about 65 years old now. old dog and getting older seven times faster than any of us humans... but for now, she's considered very healthy. and i hope she will continue to be so.

sapphie in her diva sleeping/ lazing posture...

:-)

rantings abt nothing

just want to write something but really didn't know what to write. there are too many bite-size things in my mind that i can think of to write... so i decide to about why spending meaningful time needs not be expensive... it's about how i spent my weekend. here goes...

• we met up with schneider for some drinks last evening at serangoon gardens. it was a simple impromptu evening that was arranged due to a last minute cancellation of another plan. we were lucky that schneider had just finished his dragon boat training and had no plans. two bottles of this sparkling white wine (cannot recall the name), pistachios and cuttlefish... simple. but we really enjoyed the experience. the ability to just talk, no walls, no worries about agendas and stuff... just let it flow. unpretentious. no stress. in a way, that's wat weekends are supposed to be. drinking wine with friends can be such a nice, personal and meaningful thing.

• been a long time since i brought my mum out for dinner. and last evening, i had the chance to do it. dad was in hospital and it was a good opportune to bring her out for dinner. so, we brought her to manis manis at turf city. nice simple indonesian restaurant. unpretentious. simple layout. it was relatively cheap and food was good. and we all enjoyed it. and i could see her feeling good about being able to have some good restaurant food for a change. nice.

• bunny arranged for a small get-together at kok's place for bak chang (made by kok's mum when she visited him last week) this afternoon. again, a simple no frills gathering of bunny, bee, kok and i and we simply chatted, watched some dumb taiwanese comedy and dvds. very nice to be able to catch up with them after so long.

• bee had father's day dinner with his family. mum had her char siew rice. and so i had time to myself this evening. i decided to bring sapphie out for a walk. simple one-hour walk to the expo and back. as usual, she was jumping for joy for being able to leave the house. for me, it was one of those few occasions where i could walk her and under no pressure to need to rush home for whatever reasons (such as buy dinner, appointments, etc etc etc)

such was the weekend for me this week. it revolved around friends and family. simple. no frills. but very fulfilling and meaningful.

:-)

debts

this month, for my very first time, i experience owing people money. i have not really managed my money well this time round. guessed my preoccupations with my studies and work had distracted me from these issues and that by the time i start looking into it, it was too late. this was made worst by my over-commitment of my cash to partially repay my housing loans last month. i need to wait for my july bonus to clear off these issues. but for now, it's overwhelming and it's stressful. sighs...

housing loans, income tax, road tax, car insurance, annual insurance payment, regular monthly bills, hospital bills, medical bills for parents all come at the same time...

my dad & my family relations

my mum told me that over the past couple of days my brother (or rather, my (ex) brother) had visited my dad in the hospital and that my dad had given word that should he die, he wants my brother not to quarrel with me. my brother has also told my mum that if my dad were to pass away, he (my brother) would want the wake to be held at his place and that the wake would be done over 3 days. might as well. this fits in very nicely that my brother is closer to my dad and that i had all along wanted him to participate in decision making with regards managing my dad. that he has stated a plan meant that i will not need to think about it and consult him for anything that i plan is perceived by him to be laden with some underlying selfish agenda. i told my mum that whatever the plan, i am fine with it and that i do not want to be seen to be making decisions regarding my dad and his funeral single-handedly.

my brother's relationship with me and my siblings, has never been the best. functional at best, if i may describe. things got a bit worst ever since my dad moved in to my house. you see, my dad would chat with my brother daily over the phone and would tell him of all the happenings in the day with regard me and my sisters. and so, my brother's picture of what happened in my family, the state of family relations, and how we are treating him had all been painted by my dad. and given that my dad likes to lie and whine (whether it is intentional, i don't know, or perhaps it is only about him stating half truth, or simply see things from his perspectives...), my brother's picture of the daily happenings and how we are treating him has always been nothing short of bad. and due to this, for the longest time ever, my brother has been suspicious of us and our actions when it comes to my dad. one thing certain is that he believes i ill-treat my dad and enjoys restricting him. how bad this situation was only became clear in feb when he burst out at me. given this misinterpretation of my words and actions, i have since minimized interacting with my dad. i concluded that to resolve the tension, it would be necessary to minimize any contact with him. and true enough, since then, things in the family has been very very calm.

from my conversation with my mum this morning, i could sense that she hoped i will talk to my dad but on the other hand, she understood that if i were to do so, he might just make the relations between me and my siblings worst. i also found out to my horrors that my dad has, despite all the advise against eating unhealthy food too often, been phone-ordering for kfc and drinking coke/pepsi regularly. this was despite advise by doctors and my mum about the dangers of overloading his system with too much oil, salt and unhealthy chemicals. what she said confirmed my suspicions that his worsening liver and kidney conditions was due to his diet. this was, also confirmed by the consultant that we must, at all cost, reduce his salt and oil intake. let's hope he can take heed now that the doctor has explicitly spoken. there is really nothing more i can do if he refuse to take this advise and continue to fuss about food and phone-ordering kfcs again.

well... whatever the case, at this point in time, i only want things to be quiet and peaceful in the family. my dad has been doing more harm to our family than he realized since we were young. he continues to do so today. since i have minimized talking to him, a few good things has happened. for once, as i said, things have been more peaceful. secondly, my brother has taken the lead to make decisions. these, to me, are positive signs. i will continue to minimize talking to my dad. as for my brother, i cannot change the mental model or perceptions of my brother nor i do not wish to do so. i will move on my independent way once my parents leave us. and our paths will not cross anymore.

as for my dad and his health, none of us can help him anymore if he refuse to help himself.

to do or not to do...

it's about dad again. he has once again been warded in cgh over the past few days. the consultant attending to him had asked to see all of us (his children) today. and as explained, dad has been found to have liver cancer. about 5cm at this point and likely to have spread to the nearby blood vessels. as to spreading to other parts of the body, it was not too apparent at this point in time.

there is no way to cure him except to slow down the process or limit the growth of the cancer. and to do this, there were limited options too. surgery and other invasive procedures are not advised due to his liver condition and his age. and oral medication and cutting off the cancerous growth using laser is not possible due to the extent of the growth. the only possible way that could slow down the growth would be to do this procedure called `tace'. it involves cutting a slit at his groin area, inserting a tube to the growth and injecting some chemicals to it. there might be a need to do 4-6 of such procedures. and to test the effectiveness of tace, there is a need to inject some dye into his body each time he undergo the procedure before deciding if he should go for another tace. and the catch here is, every step of this procedure come with some risk. and given that he has weak kidneys, the injection of the dye might cause the kidneys to fail...

tricky. devil and the deep blue sea. according to the consultant, he has perhaps a year or less to live if he remains as he is. if he undergo tace and is successful, he can possibly live another 3-4 years. if not, perhaps a year or less. but if complication sets in during the tace process, he might end up worst than not doing... tough decision. in the end, we decide that he should be referred to the national cancer center for further opinions and advise before deciding on the next step.

tace: transarterial chemoembolization, it is a procedure in which the blood supply to a tumor is blocked (embolized) and chemotherapy is administered directly into the tumor. used to treat liver cancer (definition from medicinenet.com)

results

these are the results for my final two modules! hurray! very nice end to the whole two years of hard work!

:-)

bak chang!!!

finally completed the packing of the bak chang (bak as in `meat' and chang as in `dumpling' in hokkien) for this year! my nieces came along to help. they simply love the packing and are quite expert in it. in time to come, i hope they will be able to cook the ingredients too! the thought of being able to share the recipe and transfer this know-how to the next generation really thrills me! preserving part of my culture and heritage! nonya bak chang! this year, i think we must have packed close to 200 bak changs!

also, this time round, i did several new things. they include - cooking the rice together with pandan leaves to improve the aroma of the rice, using sesame oil to cook the rice, and of course, photographing the whole bak chang making process. hopefully, the photographs will help my nieces visualize and better learn the cooking process sometime!

:-)

bak chang again

this is the bak chang season again and this year, i will be making 4kg of rice. that should be about close to 200 dumplings. anyway, have cooked the meat this whole afternoon and have also updated my recipe! will work on the rice tomorrow and start the wrapping.

think it's gonna take me a whole day! but, i am enjoying every bits of it!

:-)

hospital

dad was discharged today after 3 days in hospital. was informed to pick him up in the morning. before his discharge, the doctor informed me that he has a growth in his liver and that this growth seemed malignant, i.e, cancerous. anyway, given his age and his liver condition, he will not be suitable to undergo an op. instead, the doctor suggested doing a local incision and inserting a tube to his liver where they will try to suture the artery that supplies blood to the cancerous areas. in doing so, they hope to be able to kill the cells. success rate not very clear but that seemed to be one of the only way available for him. even then, i was told, it would be quite a tricky thing considering my dad's kidneys are also failing...

to go back as an outpatient and to discuss further this option in 2 week's time.

frankly, i took this news very calmly. rather numbed i must say of all these news, be it for myself, my mum or my dad. just take it in a matter of fact manner. will wait and see...

more fishes

5 out of the 8 oranda goldfishes bee bee and i bought had died. this happened when my dad, at the spur of the moment, decided that he should save electricity for me, and switched off the water pump. when i returned from work some 6 hours later, 5 of them were already lifeless and floating. the other 3 were almost dead and were struggling for air, and swimming upside down. managed to start the pump and saved them. that was about 2.5 weeks back.

today, decided that the time is ripe to top up the fishes again and decided to get 1 red goldfish (oranda) (this is to top up the remaining 3 to 4), 4 white goldfishes and 4 black goldfishes. so, in all, i now have 12 goldfishes :-) and they look very happy and lively. and no, i was not too perturbed about the 4-4-4 combination. most important, they look nice. very nice :-)

and i am sure my dad would never ever dare touch my fish tank again!

kung fu panda

i simply loved this show. amazing animation. and for the first time after goodness knows when, i laughed till my tummy ached!

:-)

sex n the city

watched sex and the city: the movie (the hbo website) last evening. bee bee really enjoyed it. guessed he found it refreshing and rather liberating. for me, having watched and followed the series some years back when i was in states, i found the show very `sitcomy' and the storyline kinda expected, somewhat cinderella-like, very `and they lived happily ever after', very cliche. no big deal. really. nonetheless, it was fun. it was entertaining. it was a nice wrap-up to the series. and it certainly brought back a lot of memories of the times i spent in florida and new york city. thinking aloud, i think the title should be changed to sexless in the city...

and oh... it would be real nice if someone start a new series called dante's peak... you know what i mean... hmmmm... lol!

:-)