aesthetics

was at kinokuniya bugis earlier and i overheard 2 gay undergrads talking (no, not eavesdropping, it's hard not to hear what they were saying when one of them was talking like as tho he had earphones blasting in his ears!). anyway, he was browsing a book on mind-mapping and he told his friend - "aiyoh! i was supposed to do mind-mapping for my module and terrible leh, i find myself spending almost all the time focusing on the aesthetics of the mind-map instead of the map itself!"

now, why am i not surprised? :-) almost went up to him and tell him that it's the same for me!

neil gaiman

i bought 2 neil gaiman books just now... interworld (where he co-authored with michael reaves) & m is for magic. the first book talks about this boy is able to walk between 2 worlds - one of science and one of magic and chronicles his battles with the evils of both worlds. the second comprises 13 short interesting stories. just looking at the intro of both books tell me i am gonna enjoy both of them tremendously. as much as i did his earlier work titled anansi boys. looking forward to reading them!!!

hairspray

it's such a feel-good show! so sassy! so colourful! so energetic! the only problem is no matter how hard i tried, i just cannot not think of john travolta as a man! and therefore, it feels kinda funny to have this huge wo-man prancing away with the make up/ rubber so thick it seemed to bounce to a rhythm of it's own, ok, ok... half a second late. but i must say, the movie was most entertaining and years from now, we'll probably be talking abt it like we do grease now... and oh, kudos to nikki blonsky for her superb performance! zac efron is so cute! can die! and yes, queen latifah was sooooo good! i can see myself in her song! & her singing stole the show if you ask me :-)

(image of nikki blonsky from of http://movies.go.com/)

'cuse me?

today is the start of my medical check-up and will be undergoing a series of tests in the next couple of weeks. i went through the audiometry test today. i was told after the test that the hearing in my left ear has deteriorated somewhat since my last test 5 yrs back and that i have lost the ability to hear high pitch sounds.

been asked to consider seeing a specialist to diagnose the reasons behind it.

another sign of getting old?

short-changed at work

when i arrived at work today, i bumped into one of my colleagues while waiting for the lift. he looked listless and did not hesitate to tell me that he felt terribly bored and was not in the best state of mind to work. somehow, something is not right, just do not feel like getting up of bed to come to work, somehow, the fire is not there these couple of days. no, no, not that he is not motivated or passionate about our profession (altho for me, my passion for my organisation died a sudden death since may 2005). it is just one of those periods where he felt lethargic.

interestingly, i felt the same way too. and i could sense this same feeling in most of my other colleagues. perhaps it is cos we are coming to the tail-end of the course we are managing and that all of us are feeling somewhat burnt out... and, at this point in time, while pre-occupied with course reports, results compilation, etc, we are also caught in an unhealthy state of having to manage an on-going online course, administering another concurrent course conducted by our education partners in engring faculty (nus) as well as reviewing next year's curriculum. it's really very tiring.

current realities. current tensions.

on a larger context, i really think we are short-changing ourselves. two years ago, we reviewed and restructured our courses and curriculum and then rationalised that with these new courses and more focused curricula, we can start to relook at how our set-up can be better streamlined. and, as part of the overall rightsizing masterplan, we restructured. we collapsed our curriculum development component and integrate it as part of the duties of instructional staff, centralised all our admin, hr and logistics resources and only retained a small set-up to run some basic admin. that set-up now does almost everything under the sun (very apt that we called it the `one-stop center' - and yes, everything stops there!). then, before the dust have even settled and processes fully smoothened out, this year, higher management wants us to re-look at how we can extend our courses and take back some of the areas that was previously taken away... except that now, with lesser manpower and a set of overloaded instructional staff...

crazy!

writing abt my life

i took a step back two days ago and looked at how i had organized my blog and what i have posted since 2005 and realised that it was really messy. there is no way i myself can follow my reflections when the number of postings increases... i decided that i should do something about it.

so i started creating in the right column page elements such as milestones, memorable songs, etc and as i started updating my links, i found many areas missing in my blog... realized that my blog has been overwhelmed by snapshots (perhaps too many) about relationships and some other rather useless reflections. and as i thought about it, i was overcome by a sense of urgency to want to write as much as i can about my life. that i want to capture my life stories, my past, my history... as i continue to reflect and write about the present.

and i started writing. and as i write, i realized that there are many gaps and i started asking my mum/ dad about the pass, about my birth, about things beyond my time... and before i know it, i started researching in the net about my history, this led to finding out more abt singapore's history, and so on and so on...

it is so exciting! i think i will probably be busy over the next couple of weeks writing and updating as much as i possibly can about my life!

wish me luck!

mungkin nanti

this is one of my favourite indonesian song by peter pan... i like this song cos it is so melodious and easy to follow :-) well, you may ask - does it reflect how i feel about james right now? well, maybe; maybe not. there is a second more hyped-up version in sha's blog, but i prefer the original version as posted here.

sahajaku berkata mungkin yang terakhir kalinya 

sudahlah lepaskan semua ku yakin inilah waktunya 

mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi 

mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi 

reff: 

dan mungkin bila nanti kita kan bertemu lagi 

satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali 

rasa yang kutinggal mati 

seperti hari kemarin saat semua di sini 

dan bila hatimu termenung bangun dari mimpi-mimpimu 

membuka hatimu yang dulu cerita saat bersamaku 

mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi 

mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi 

bridge: 

tak usah kau tanyakan lagi simpan untukmu sendiri 

semua sesal yang kau cari semua rasa yang kau beri

maybe one day  

this is the time for me to say,  

maybe for one last time let it all go,  

i'm sure this is the time 

maybe you're no longer who you used to be 

maybe that feeling has departed and 

maybe if one day we met again one thing i ask of you, 

please don't question me again about the feeling i left behind like yesterday, 

when everything is still here and if your heart is day dreaming, 

awake from your dreams re-open your heart, 

the stories of when you're with me 

maybe you're no longer who you used to be 

maybe that feeling has departed and 

maybe if one day we met again one thing i ask of you, 

please don't question me again about the feeling i left behind like yesterday, 

when everything is still here there is no need for you to ask again, 

keep it all to yourself all the guilt you're looking for, 

all the feeling you have given

~ english translation provided by sha

birthdays

suddenly, i found myself flooded with birthdays. let's see...

• 16th aug - my niece
• 18th aug - my 1st sis
• 19th aug - kenneth my friend from fridae
• 20th aug - my 2nd sis
• 20th aug - jeremy my old friend (and my tee)
• 21th aug - my dear friend steve who's attracting a lot of gaymen!
• 24th aug - derek my friend who's now in banking
• 30th aug - chris my dear (str8) friend who's recently found new love :-)

happy birthday to one and all!

:-)

back to reality

after 2 weeks of overseas (work trip), it is time to get back to college routine again... so sianz... and my new semester starts this week too... my 8th module...

my kindergarten

i started my formal education in 1971 in a pap (people's action party) kindergarten in circuit road. becos pap kindergarten were so common and widespread at that time, the acronym `pap' became associated with kindergarten. so it was common then (less so these days) for people to ask "did you attend pap?" or for my parents to say that they "send me to pap at circuit road".

i was one of those very lucky kid to be able to attend 2 years of kindergarten education. my school was located at a void deck in circuit road and it was an half an hour walk from my kampong. daily, my mum would walk me to school and fetch me again after school. whenever she cannot make it, she would ask chew sim to fetch me instead. i always enjoyed walking home with chew sim because she would tell me stories as we walked. i remembered once when she would explain to me about shadows using her shadow that was casted onto the ground by the hot afternoon sun. frequently she would also piggyback me home whenever i get tired walking :-)

once, my mum overslept and forgot to ask chew sim to pick me and i ended up being left alone in school. in the end, i walked home myself and that incident was somewhat blown out of proportion when i got home! anyway, i remembered everyone was saying how clever i was, a 5yr-old and i already knew how to navigate home alone through the concrete jungle and semi-forested areas (it's a weird feeling for while i was writing this, i could almost smell my kindergarten classroom again!).

after 2 years in kindergarten, i enrolled into playfair school in 1973.

as a kampong boy

i grew up in a kampong and moved to the hdb flat in the mid 70s.

life in the kampong was very simple and carefree. the games i played revolved around catching houseflies, catching fishes from the drains/ streams, catching butterflies (tiger butterflies was a common sight in my kampong), etc. otherwise, my opportunities to interact and play with other kids in my kampong was minimal. my mum would forbid me from playing with michael (my neighbour) for fear of getting bad influence from him. at the same time, i was not allowed to play layang (kites) for she was afraid that i would be knocked down by cars. i was also not allowed to play goli (marbles) as we were poor and did not have the money to buy them...

so in the end, the main `games' i could engage in was playing with wooden pieces that was cut into different shapes and piecing them as far as my creativity allowed me into different animals, etc. a couple of other activities that i found fun include drawing and using my pencil to shade those pieces of paper that had blank tv screens printed on it; and as we shade, scenes of tv shows would appear in the screens. also, i enjoyed drawing dresses and tuxedos and cutting them out to tagged onto pictures of boys and girls. dressing them up in these paper-make-believe fashion wear allowed me to imagine all sort of creative clothing. it was so fun. i guess these activities provided me the foundation for my creativity in the years to come. i would also play traditional games such as kuti kuti, congkat & five stones.

my family was poor. my dad's monthly salary as a driver in sats catering was about S$150 a month. he would work shifts and on weekends he would double up as a taxi driver to supplement his meagre salary. as such i hardly see my dad. to make up for the lack of time together, he would bring me along when he drives the taxi and would hide me below the taxi seats so that potential taxi passengers do not mistake his taxi for being taken. it was through these trips that i get to travel around singapore (altho i could hardly recall much of what i saw) :-) anyway, taxi fares were cheap those days. the boarding fare was 60cents only and illegal taxis were so rampant too.

despite being poor, my mum made sure we were not hungry. she would make sure that we are well nourished. fruits to us were discarded apples and oranges being sold at the paya lebar market for 10cents a basket. those days the market was nothing more than vegetable farmers and errand hawkers who would hawk their stuff in small rattan baskets by the side of the road. as part of my growing up years, my mum would make sure that i receive all the training possible so that i can be independent when i grow up. it was with this intent that she would wake me up at 6am to accompany her to the market, teach me how to select fish, pick good fruits and vegetables. after marketing, she would teach me how dice, cut, etc the grocery before cooking them. as such by the time i was in pri 5, i was already cooking daily meals for my family.

as a boy, my mum was very strict with me. she was impartial. all my siblings had the same treatment. she would cane us for every little mistakes. and to top it off, she would cane us and at the same time demand that we stop crying... not easy.

my baby years

i was born naturally in the late evening of 17 dec 1966 in kandang kerbau hospital after a half-hour labour (according to my mum). my birth was one of the many thousands that constitute the post-war baby boom generation. mine was also one of the 39,835 birth that year that won the hospital a place in the guiness book of world records for the most number of birth in a maternity ward for that year.

i was the pride and joy of my parents and my birth was received with much relieve given that my mum had had two previous miscarriages (of boys, and if she had successfully given birth to them, i would not have been conceived in the first place!). being peranakan, my mum gave me an english name (which was quite rare back then) and had it registered in my birth cert - it was something not very common for a hokkien family in the mid-60s. my dad gave me my chinese name. translated to english, it sounded rather cheesy but hey, i am proud of it!

from what my mum told me, i was a large baby weighing 5 pounds & 12 tahils (or 5.75 pounds). fed with human milk, i grew fast and furious and when i was 4 months old, my mum entered me in a baby contest (that was in mar 1967). well, i did not win. i was overweight. i had weighed over 40 pounds by then... heavier than the baby that won the contest by about 10 pounds!

anyway, i slept in the sarong when i was a baby. it was not until i was a year plus before i was transfered to sleep in the bed. some of the things i remembered my mum doing when i was a kid was - praying to the `sinbu' or `shenmu' for me and my brother to grow up protected and healthy (sinbu is also known as the `mother of gods' in hokkien - she is the guardian goddess for babies and pregnant women. she is also known as the `goddess of fertility' or zhu sheng niang niang. accordingly, she is known to play and communicate with babies. babies smile because of her and she would disappear once the baby learns how to talk). my mum would burn incense and do offerings to sinbu on the bed while my brother and i would play around the little room. and from what i understood, i underwent some of the traditional rites accorded to a baby - namely, shaving my head when i celebrated my first month in this world (so that my head will have an even spread of hair when i grow up), smearing of my lips with a minced meat porridge at the age of four months (not sure of reason but noted this same treatment given to my nieces - with chicken drumsticks instead as late as the early 90s), no shoes until age one (or my feet will be deformed), no chicken feet until my teens (for it will make my hands tremble), etc.

and to protect me from harm's way, my parents found me an adopted mother (a woman who had lots of children was the criteria according to the temple medium). my mum went further to give me to the sheng-hong kong (cheng huang laoye in hanyu pinyin) for adoption so that he may protect me with his powers. for both adoptions, i underwent all the taoists rites. that would be the start of my annual rituals to visit and pay respect to my ah-bu (mother in hokkien) or khueh bu (adopted mother) every year during major chinese festivals and to visit the temple to pay respect to sheng-hong kong on his birthday. reflecting, it's funny how, unlike my khueh bu, i never address the god as my godfather. rather, in front of him, i would address myself as his godson or khueh kiah.

i had two elder sisters. being the first boy in the family, my dad would take lots of photos of me. some of the most memorable photos of a 1.5 year old me running around the chup-lau-chu (hokkien for `ten-storey house' - aka new hdb flats in the circuit road housing estates) eating ice cream cones. i also seriously think my dad was a cheeky person for his shots of me were always in singlets and without pants! of cos, being a chubby one and a half year-old baby, i would always get stares and laughters from people around me.

the earliest memory i had of myself in my baby years was when i was about 3 years old. i remembered sitting in a lorry and where my relatives would give me pow and see-hum to eat. the whole extended family was returning from the funeral of my paternal grandfather who had passed away in 1969. and toddler me was just too young to understand wat was loss/death...

these are some of the glimpses of my earliest days.

my kampong

i grew up in a paya lebar kampong. my address was 139g paya lebar road, singapore 14 (?). my parents had rented a room from an old couple whom we called chew sim and chew chek (auntie & uncle chew). my kampong was next to a huge red dirt track beside what is today the institute of technical education (ite). we called this track ang-tor-lor or red mud track in hokkien. it eventually became the pan island expressway. mine was a very disorganised yet charming kampong with small clusters of zinc and attap houses. within each cluster, there was a communal compound where families would meet and chat in the evenings. my cluster had a communal well and a fowl hut where my landlord reared chicken and ducks. we occasionally harvest fresh eggs from these fowls :-)

my home was a small zinc roofed room. it was a simple one room with a bed in the center. being located in the midst of muddy and wet wastelands, the place was infested with houseflies and mosquitoes and we had to sleep in mosquito nets. once a while, we do get wild animals coming into our compound. there was once when we found a python coiled in our food basket in our kitchen. apprently, the python had laid some eggs in food basket. chew chek eventually released the python and the eggs into the fields beside ite. our food had to be covered to prevent houseflies from buzzing around them. my pass time as such, was catching houseflies using plastic bags. as kids, we would share secrets on catching houseflies. one of the most effective method would involve putting a rubber band in the plastic bag and catching the housefly from its rear. in the evenings, our neighbours would burn rubbish and dry leaves and the smoke would help to keep the mosquitoes at bay. i would once a while throw my plastic bag of houseflies into the fire...

i think there were about 4-5 families living in the same compound as us but vividly i could only remember an indian family and another chinese family. the indian family had an abusive father and 2 kids. the kids were called maliga and thumbi. i remembered how the mother always roll their curried rice into balls in her palm when she fed thumbi. as for the father, he would flog his wife whenever he came home drunk and often we would hear screams coming from their room. the mother committed suicide by hanging herself using her sarong from the beam in their rented room eventually. that was about all i remembered of them; my chinese nighbour had a few children that always pick fights with my sisters (think one of their kids was called michael...) and whenever such fights or dispute happen, my mum would cane my sisters... (regardless of who was rite or wrong, my sisters were always blamed for getting into the way of michael and his gang).

i grew up being very attached to my landlord, especially chew sim; i mourned her death some 30 years later in 1999 (Nov 20). she was like a grandmother to me. they had 3 children. the eldest daughter is called nancy aka ah lan. she was a hairdresser and would eventually give me free haircuts during my teenage years. i cannot recall the second daughter's name (think it is lucy) except that as a small kid, i had problem pronouncing her name, what came out was leh-lio (or radio) and it became her nickname :-). their youngest was a son (again cannot recall his name). this son eventually stole my mum's jewelleries. we kept quiet abt it because we did not want to spoil the good relations with chew sim and chew chek.

life was simple then. i climbed trees, played with chicken and ducks, fished in the streams, etc. i remembered how the neighbourhood would congregate together to eat either green mango or buah jumbu plucked from the trees and soaked in sugar, chilli and black soya sauce. also, i remembered how the small dirt track leading to my house would be layered with red paper on every chinese new year after all the firecrackers were lit. that was before firecrackers were banned in 1973.

we did not have clean water flowing from taps. our water was obtained from a communal well that was located beside an fowl hut that was used to keep chicken and ducks. it was about 20m from my zinc house. once or twice a year, i remembered my landlord climbing into the well to wash the moss off the walls of the well. i always look forward to these occasions for it was when i would have the chance to peer into the well to look for my fish (i once caught a longkow hee - fish from the drain - and dropped them into the well...).

we did not have gas. our cooking was done on a kerosene stove. it was considered a luxury compared to most families who would collect wood from the surrounding and cook by burning these wood.

we did not have electricity. at night, my mum would light a little wick placed in a kerosene container that would burn through the night. it was also this same lighted wick that we would use to navigate our way to the toilet at the back of our home.

we did not have good sanitary and toilet system. our toilet was a wooden enclosure built on an elevated concreted slab. on this slap is a hole where we would squat and shit into the pan at the bottom. it was certainly smell galore and the whole place would be infested with huge black houseflies. and to make things worst, worms were common in those days and you certainly do not want to imagine what you can see squirming inside the pan! it was certainly a superbly grotesque sight by today's standard. but well, it's a norm during those days. and one of my greatest fear was to drop into the sai-tang (pan) that was filled with shit... on a daily basis, we would have the sai-long people come to collect the pans of shit.

not too sure of the exact reason but i believe it was because the government has issued some land compensation package and to clear away squatters like ours that my family eventually moved out of the kampong in 1973. we had to put up with my aunt in toa payoh temporarily while awaiting for our flats to be completed. it was kinda sad for me cos i had planted a mango seedling and nurture it to about my height when i had to move out. the kampong was eventually demolished to make way for development in the mid-late 70s.

we eventually moved to marine parade in jun 1974 and i remained there till i moved into my current house in sep 1998.

brave story

brave story was a very nice and enjoyable show. fantasy, magical, the characters remind me of lord of the rings, flight of dragons, harry porter, etc... story-wise, it was somewhat similar to many others where the good triumphs the bad, where the main character went in search of something personal and ended up forgoing it for a larger good...

enjoyed it a lot! and of cos one thing i (and many other gay men in the theater) find really funny - the last scene was so gay! :-)

home!

nothing beats home. i must say that a flight time of 3-4 hours is about the right duration. no need to rush through your meal, enough time to finish a proper blockbuster... for me today, on my flight home, i played and repeated the hula girls show, especially the part when they sang wish on my star (where it showed the sensei leaving on the train)... so touching, my eyes kept tearing... heh heh... and i also watched kitaro. japanese anime is just so wonderful to watch!

anyway, it's back to reality. admittedly, although this trip to vietnam hanoi was a terribly tiring one, i managed to complete my assignment and start on my last assignment for my masters 7th module! considered that an achievement :-)

and oh, i forgot to mention this important point - i think my room in the army hotel was haunted. kept feeling like there were things looking over my back through the whole duration i stayed there. and somehow, i could not sleep properly in the room.

did not have the same feeling for the one night stay at ha long bay though...

then again, it's over, i am happy to be home.

ha long bay

we made our way to haiphong city yesterday and the town planners gave us a brief on their developments. was quite interesting to see their vision for the town for the next 15 yrs.

today, we visited ha long bay - a UNESCO World Heritage site. it was a very beautiful place and very fairytale-like. scenery was superbly beautiful and i could imagine myself sailing on a boat into the land of the dead (cannot recall the title of this story - golden compass?). the weather was however a real spoiler. was totally warm and humid and made worst by the superbly hazy surrounding.

somehow, travelling to such places with my college people seemed somewhat odd. would have been really nice if i have my bee bee with me. and sitting on the deck as we sailed along reminded me of the time when i was with james when we toured windermere lake some years back... anyway, i am really looking forward to going home tomorrow.

president ho chi minh

today was another hot and humid day. we were all soaked in our perspiration as we made our way to the military history museum as well as the ho chi minh mausoleum in the heart of hanoi. the mausoleum was a really interesting experience. and i guess only a communist country can make my delegation queue up in twos and walk into the mausoleum to view the embalmed body of president ho chi minh. the whole visit felt somewhat weird because today is also the second day of the seventh month in the chinese lunar calender :-)

as i walked around the mausoleum, and listening to the stories, i also noted very interestingly the way the locals have viewed and created a god-like person in ho chi minh. for example, one of the story goes that only ho chi minh has the ability to make the carps in the pond leap out of the water to greet him... well, whatever the case, i have to acknowledge that ho chi minh was certainly a very charismatic character who was able to mass the support of his countryman and fight the wars against the invaders of vietnam.

hanoi

arrived at hanoi today and there are just so many interesting things i see! in the first place, i am writing a blog and my start page is in vietnamese! of cos, being a lazy person, i chose to click on what i can remember and `feel' my way around! anyway, some of the most interesting things i see around me today include:

• lots and lots (yes, i mean lots and lots) of motorcycles and they somehow just move around without crashing into one another!

• when you cross the road, just close your eyes and cross! trust me, you will be safe. it is perhaps easier to do it with your eyes close. really a test of your faith!

• never have i seen so many people hording a single place to buy ice cream (the type that comes in sticks)... seemed to be the fashion of the town to eat ice-cream!

• and man! the things here are so so so so #(^%&^#&^%(*^ cheap! imagine - buying 2 bottles of mineral water and 2 cans of bird's nest/ white fungus drink - cost me no more than S$1.50!

• hanoi may seem backward and disorganised. but the place is really clean. you can hardly find rubbish around. very unlike some of the cities i had visited.

• of cos at the hotel that i am now staying in now (run by the army as i was told), it is really the last place to see gay men swimming in the pool! can sense my gaydar ringing away! the stares, the looks... well, just act blur, totally blur!

:-)

mum's pain

mum's been complaining of pain in her legs for the last 2 months. it was one of those pain that she experience regularly since her total knee replacement some 10 years ago. she has not and will not fully recover from that op. and now, she will have this lingering muscle spasms that will sent the pain through her whole body every so often. so much so that she cannot walk or move properly.

sent her to the doctor and he told me that in my mum's case, it is one of those times where western medicine will have to concede defeat... and that even if she were to do a re-op, it will not help her much cos her's is a case of bone being totally worn off and her body is shifting her weight to other parts of her body thereby resulting her hip problem, back problem, posture problem etc. well, i really appreciate his being so frank with me. i had expected as much.

nonetheless, for me, sending her to the doctor was in part about giving her the psychological assurance that things are in good hands and that she's been given the medicine that will help her tide over her pain, although it's only temporarily.

i just wish i can do more for her...

ouch!

twisted my spine when i bend down to pat na na, sharp pain between my neck and my waist, kinda behind and inside my chest...

cannot really pinpoint the exact spot...

painful... ouch!

indonesia & vietnam

went on a work trip to indonesia from mon to wed this week... jakarta and bandung. good to be back in bandung cos i stayed there for one month from oct - nov 06 as part of an exchange programme. things have not changed at all... it was also good to be able to meet up with frans in jakarta for coffee.

well, next week, i will be heading to vietnam for another work trip.

kinda looking forward to it cos it'll be my first trip to vietnam... yet, am not looking forward to it cos the impression i get of that place is somewhat 3rd world and undeveloped...

wish me luck!...

we & our lesbian friends

just received this sms from a lesbian friend: "hey, we are at dempsey hill harrys, do join us if you get bored at zouk..." they must be drinking wine again i supposed.

well, my bee & i are not at zouk. rather, we are at home, just finished our face-mask evening... heh heh...

two weeks ago, drinking at a lounge in fullerton hotel, we ordered cocktail while our lesbian couple friends ordered beer...

wasn't it funny? or perhaps just natural... our lesbian friends seemed to always be engaged in some macho activities like drinking beer, drinking wine, playing f1 car racing computer games, while we gaymen engage in stuff that are more attuned to our `feminine' side... such as face masks, walking dogs, cooking, floral arrangement, house decor, gardening, etc

:-)

my blog

my blog is too serious hor?

may be as a person i am too serious.

need to loosen-up a bit...

881

i actually like the show quite a lot. i could identify with many of the getai scenes for they reminded me so much of my teenage years when i grew up in marine terrace...

881 is also one of those show where many people don't know whether to laugh or to cry at some point. well, i do not mean it in a bad sense. the reason why i said that was because there were several sad and sobby scenes, yet, in the way it was delivered, using hokkien songs, it sounded rather funny. perhaps it reflects our discomfort with the public use of the hokkien language.

whatever the case, i had an enjoyable evening.

i am a singaporean & i am gay

on this 42nd national day, i find myself, a singaporean gayman, thinking once again about how i can make singapore more accepting of singaporean gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transsexuals (glbts).

i think of how we always try to blame the society for not accepting us, how we always blame the society's non-acceptance of glbts on the government, on 377A, etc etc etc. and on reflecting, it occured to me that we (and our mindsets and mental blocks) have also contributed to this to a certain extend. if we are ever gonna go anywhere in getting singapore to accept us, we must make our moves - we must show the country the extend to which we have already been involved in contributing to our country (in all fields including society, security, military, education, economy, etc) and that we will continue to do so. and we must come out and convince people around us that we are no different from them. we must educate the society that homophobia is unfounded and that they have been flooded with misinformation.


while many point fingers at the government, or for that matter, at 377A, at any policies or even the society at large, i personally think that there's no end to it, we blame the government, government push it to the society, the society elects the government... no end to this cycle. if we are ever going to make a difference and break this cycle, it must start with us convincing them (the government and the society) that we are part of them, there's no point in starting off from a `i-you & we are at the opposite end' position. they will feel threatened, they will fight back (remember x-men? heh heh). no different from how some of us are fighting back cos we too have started off from a `you-i' perspective.

yes, there's value in organising gay-oriented activities, gay support groups, events for gay people to interact etc, my personal feel is that if we make it too high profile, there might even be a backlash and it might turn out counter-productive at this point in time.

we should also focus some of our energies to the society. and make these glbt-organised events that contribute to nation-building high profile. organise visits to old folks home, children's home, support volunteerism, support breast cancer, support keeping the environment green, fly the national flag, stand up for singapore, there are so many to think about... signal to the society that there's no `you' and `i' in the first place, there's only `we'. `we' are singaporeans and we make up the society, regardless of race, language, gender or religion.

also, it is perhaps a responsibility of every glbt individual to play a part in evolving this government-branded conservative society of ours. in coming out to the people around us, we as glbts will break their stereotyped views about us. our individual small efforts will contribute a big big way to getting eventually our society to accept us. for we exist amongst our str8 compatriots. the people around us makes up the society, the government, and everything else in between. think about it, our one small move can become such a powerful force. think about how many parents have become supporters of us after learning that their sons and daughters are glbts, think about the many glbt friends you have whose parents are politicians (ironic ya?), think about the power that we have in changing the society if we were to make the first move to open ourselves out to people around us. mobilise the people power. for the people around us make up the society. that - perhaps is the surest way to get things moving for us as a society, a society where every individual counts, for 377A to be permanently removed (important for some in our glbt community), for mindsets to change - like what dumbledore said - for the greater good ;-)

and this perhaps is the surest way we can break the cycle of government claiming that they cannot change things cos the society is conservative.

national day 2007

today is singapore's national day. my country's 42th birthday. i experienced a whole lot of different emotions when i read the straits times' national day special that focused on the theme of best friends.

firstly, i was quite amused by the many photos that show so many male-male and female-female subjects and the captions that came along with it. my gaydar was ticking away so strongly!... ooooh, there are so many gay and lesbian couples inside... there's even a male pair that has one giving his `best friend' a peck on his cheek! it was so funny that pictures with such homo-social behaviour are so openly shown with no public outcry... :-) guess the title - `best friends' - did a lot of help to take away the `gayness' of the photos... matter of perspective ya? :-)

secondly, looking at the statistics and reading the reflections about the importance of friends, it occurred to me that it is not easy for a straight person to fully appreciate a gay's concept of family. cos for many of us, our friends are our family. and thinking abt this, i couldn't help but feel victimized when i thought about how i had willed my social structures and friends (and family) away when i naively signed on the dotted lines on that fated day in may 2005.

thirdly, i felt a mixed feeling of pride of being a singaporean, yet a sense of betrayal and soreness thinking of how i had been unfairly treated by the government and the organisation i had served and still serving in for being gay... i was reminded of questions such as whether i can conduct myself professionally, whether i can be a good protector of my beloved nation, etc came flooding back. looks like i am still being haunted by that experience. it seemed like every national day, i get this mixed sense of patriotism and betrayal.

despite having watched the preview two weeks ago, when i watched the parade on tv today, i cried. again.

happy birthday singapore...

friends and social structures

bee has been away since last afternoon visiting the indon/balai local childcare center together with a community group. found myself alone suddenly and it dawned upon me that other than spending time with him, i have no other persons whom i can go out with. friends in my phone list are just that - friends. people whom i cannot talk to `just like that'.

not healthy, certainly not healthy.

i reflected on why my life has come to such a sad state of affairs. i used to have many friends. people whom i can go out with and chat away without worries, people whom i can click with. that was many years ago when i was younger.

i quickly realized that in the 7 years i had been with james, i had focused too much of my time on him. looking after him, pampering him... and given his dislike in spending time with my friends, i had, unknowingly, blocked myself out from my friends. i recalled once when his `bestest' friend - joanne - in sep 2002 (my third year) told me when i confided in her about my tensions at the car park below her parent's old flat in tampines - "hey, even tho i am his good friend, i'll still tell you this - if i were you, i'd break off with him and move on. you do not need to worry about him, he'll continue to survive without you. he has lots of friends. pse don't spoil him. as for you, pse take care of yourself." but i guess, i had, in my desire to have a lasting relationship with james, convinced myself that i can wait out my tensions for him to give me the attention i needed.

my being outed by my office in 2005 and subsequently my signing of a commitment not to visit gay places and minimise contact with gay friends did not help for it took away my social structures, structures that allowed me to survive as a member of my community. this is not unlike getting a straight person to sign a commitment not to meet or go out with his wife, children and family. perhaps signing that commitment is like endorsing a death sentence on myself. for now, i am no different from a prostitute.

but well, those are the past, no use crying over spilled milk. and looking on the bright side, while this 36hrs of absence made me appreciate my bee better, it also reminded me not to commit the same mistake as i did when i was with james. me and my bee must have our own space while we work hard to widen our circle of friends. and for myself, i need to make the effort to make friends and re-establish my own social circle. i need to find my position in my community.

again.

for only i can do it.

no one else.

coming out to new boss

i have a new boss in my school. he came in in june this year. have wondered how he will take to having me in the school. finally came out to him and spoke with him about it. shared with him all the things that i had been subjected to and the things i was made to sign. thought i should do so as his is my boss.

am happy to note that he sees me for what i can contribute and not who i go to bed with.

:-)

ndp preview

had the opportunity to attend the ndp preview yesterday. i asked the following:

• how can one possibly clear the crowd fast if you position a police officer directly in front of the metal detector & use the manual metal detector on every single person after he walks pass the metal detector? what is the purpose of the metal detector in this case? weird.

• how can one possibly sing the songs when one feels choked and overwhelmed with nationalistic pride almost through the whole show? (kudos to the committee for a good show)

• how can one possibly focus on any one aspect of the show when one is continuously overwhelmed by something happening consistently at different sides of one's view?

• what will ndp look like if there are no PLUs :-) interesting cos in almost every aspects of the whole production, i see a gay man/ woman's name being reflected... from show, to song, to score, dance, choreography, etc etc etc...

• who does the proof-reading of the ndp booklet? for i see traffic police spelt as raffic police. for a while, i thought it was a new police division that was not previously disclosed :-)

but well, it was a good experience considering it is the first time the show is being staged at marina bay. some minor hitches but i guess that is what preview is all about - a full dress rehearsal for all, including the minister himself :-)

james the gay activist

i cannot imagine james being a gay activist. he would not even want to be seen in public with me near him. no public affection, no close proximity, cannot walk too close to him... in case his students see him... well, i guess a person does change. and perhaps he has come to realise that it is his own state of mind that he has to overcome. and if this is so, perhaps he is more closeted than me in some ways? or perhaps it is influenced by dominic (still, i dislike mentioning this name in my blog).

then again, it does not matter. as long as he is happy, i will be happy. at least he is doing something he believes in and he enjoys doing it.

and yes, at times i do miss him.

still.

377A

will the removal of 377A change anything if the local populace remain conservative? 377A - is it another case of keeping it as a symbol to show that the greater populace is still conservative? and in keeping 377A, does it not reflect negatively the intolerance of the general populace? which is more detrimental? i guess it depends on which side one is looking from. and perhaps, it is not the presence of 377A but rather, how it is being used that is the crux of the matter.

then again, is the feeling of being trapped a state of the mind? to what extend is the feeling of being trapped self-imposed? which is more lasting - evolution of revolution?

i have my answers.

you may not agree with it.

so be it, i respect that.

& let's leave it at that.

then again, there are gaymen out there who do not even know what 377A is... i know gay ah peks who have lived together for years and are oblivious its existence... and for that matter, i know many gays who do not practise anal sex and as such, 377A becomes irrelevant... to them, and to these people, it is the culture, the social attitude to alternative lifestyles that matters and not something called 377A.

this brings me back to the question - is the feeling of being trapped a state of the mind? to what extend is the feeling of being trapped self-imposed?

of rainbows, black & white and everything in between

there has been a recent discussion and debate on homosexuality again. and i do see many people sharing their views about the issue. some are for it, some are against it. and of cos from their individual perspectives (be it from a moral, religious etc angle), everything that is said is correct and justified and i respect them for it. i recognise that in any society, there will always be a whole range of views about anything and everything. and that there will always be a divide. there will always be individuals that chose to impose their values on other individuals through public policies, individuals who chose to take things in their own hands and be biased towards homosexuals/ heterosexuals, or for that matter, homosexuals against/ for homosexuality, heterosexuals against/ for homosexuality, etc. it's never ending... how conservative or liberal a person is and his sexuality are two different dimensions and there are different permutations. there are no right or wrong views. it is a matter of whose perspective these views are being discussed from and to what degree one wants to add qualifiers to his view. eg (and very very crudely) a cock cannot enter an anus... oh, unless, the anus is that of a female, and for that matter, a willing female, and yes, a female deemed an adult, la la la... where to end?... ultimately, what has not change are the cock and anus...

so what is homosexuality? what is a homosexual? is it a state of mind? or an act of same-sex sex? or is it based on observable behaviour? it seems like the definition is not that clearly defined afterall (have extracted how wiki has defined it below... follow the links)...

as for me, all i know is that i am gay, i love men, i am sexually attracted to men, i enjoy sex with men. i do not find women sexually attractive, and i cannot even imagine myself having sex with a woman; for the longest time in my life, i had struggled with my sexuality, have hated myself, tried to make sense of my struggles and eventually came to terms with myself at age 30. i have since grown, self-acceptance comes self-love. no straight person can understand and appreciate what i went through during those years of self-struggles and the process of coming out. it's like having to unlearn everything you thought you knew and to relearn everything all over again. i am happy the way i am now and i will live my life the way i like... and to my best.

as for my position in the society, let's put it this way, i will respect everyone and their right to exist. i will be a responsible person who respects and would do no harm to another fellow human being. i also respect the majority's views and will not conduct myself in a manner that would impose on their comfort. and in return, i do sincerely wish for them NOT to intrude into my private spaces. what i do in my privacy is a matter between me and my partner. no one can dictate who i sleep or have sex with. i have mention this before and i say it again - if i wanna screw, i screw, if i wanna get fucked, i get fucked, if i wanna suck, i suck, if i wanna get sucked, i get sucked... let's not be so naive as to pretend these things don't happen. it happens between 2 human beings, regardless of whether they are homosexual or heterosexual. for me, no public ruling is gonna stop me from doing these acts of basic instincts.

i am no activist and don't pretend to be one... all i know is that i am a person who goes about being myself and tries to convince people around me to judge me for what i am and what i am capable of not by my sexuality. and hopefully, through this awareness, come to accept homosexuals in general as the same as that of any other heterosexuals. and if by that, i am branded a passive activist - so be it... ;-)

just be happy...

Definition of Homosexuality from Wikipedia

Homosexuality can refer to both sexual behavior and sexual attraction between people of the same sex or to a sexual orientation. When describing a sexual orientation, it refers to enduring sexual and romantic attraction toward others of the same sex, but does not necessarily involve sexual behavior.[1]

blabbers of the week

... of names, prefixes & suffixes
there are so many common names and it's interesting how we tag additional references to them... for example, i have edmund chong-eddie's ex, edmund the one you dislike, edmund the officer, ice cream james, watch james, my ex james, chong my ex, chong your ex, etc etc etc... :-)

... of shows and plays

paprika - nice. somehow it also reminds me of james cos it reminds me of spirited away, ds dolly - entertaining but a bit too koh-yok for national day, asian boys vol 3 - balanced views and entertaining, harry porter - magical (doh?!!!) :-) but i like the scene where dumbledore battles with voldermot, simpsons - over-rated, somehow the running credits are nicer than the show itself (sad but true), transformers - confusing, literally too many moving parts

... of songs

ella, ella, ella - you know what song i am referring to, but i prefer scott simon's version.

... of people and places

anonymous - that is the most interesting character i got to know and if i may say, appeared to be totally spineless and unethical, keeps slandering people in the chatterbox and yet dare not identify himself (although he eventually did, i am not sure if the nick he used is really his cos the nick he used is very close to the nick of someone whom he dislikes), guess he has to reflect on his actions and to grow up, joyce - young lesbian who is about the same age as my niece. what strikes me is the fact that at such a young age, she has already been exposed to the roller coaster rides of gay relationships... sad as she has been forced to face the harsh facts of life at such a young age, but i guess it'll make her stronger in the long run, ice cream james - an ex-military personnel. so happy to meet up with him and glad that he is doing well, extremely well for that matter. except that i wish he can spare sometime to enjoy life and give himself a break, kg glam cc - was there doing my homework and had the opportunity to witness a group of aunties dance to a whole hotchpot of different ethnic music (middle eastern, ethnic chinese, tagalog, middle central China (or mongolian?)... weird, bizarre and very surreal experience!

my different experiences over my last 2 weeks made me realize how much i have matured and learned through my growing process...

childhood cartoons

so happy to be able to find some of these cartoons that i enjoyed watching when i was a small boy in the late 60s & early 70s! then, most of these were dubbed in malay! enjoy!

giant robot - the boy would summon giant robot by calling `giant robot menari!' giant robot - intro

astro boy (original version - 1963, english)

marine boy (original version - 1966)

peculiar chris

watched asian boy vol 3 earlier and thoroughly enjoyed it. couldn't helped but shed a tear when samuel died. felt the played gave a very good and balanced treatment to the gay movement in singapore over the last decade plus. such a contrast to see the whole range of different `outedness' and their take on what works for them in this homophobic society. and for me, i can identify and see myself in chris as well as nick.

anyway, it motivated me sufficiently to dig out the book `peculiar chris' from my cabinet. it was given to me by my first crush, the one that made me come out and accept myself in totality. i have never looked back. the last 10 years had been certainly a long and arduous journey, a long and learning experience. from the bottom of my heart, i say once again - thank you chong!

and when i opened to book, memories of how i first met chong and the tumultous months that followed came flooding back. well, chong gave me the book to read and to reflect on my coming out journey. guess he had knew then that the book would be a source of inspiration and strength to know that i am not alone in this world.

in the first page of the book, chong wrote - `an old book in the hands of a new friend renews understanding & life to people like us... happy reading, jeff' xx chong 10.2.97...

magic numbers

1 7 1 2 1 9 6 6 2 0 4 2 1 5 9 5 9 5 1 7 6 9 8 9 2 0 8 2 1 5 6 4 0 9 3 3 2 1 5 4 4 4 4 0 0 0 4 7 1 6 0 6 0 8 4 8 6 8 4 7 9 7 3 5 1 1 2 4 9 1 7 7 4 3 2 4 6 8 7 5 5 6 7 7 5 2 4 8 3 7 7 3, 2 2 0 5 1 9 9 9 1 6 1 1 1 9 7 6 7 6 3 7 4 6 7 9 7 6 7 8 5 0 4 6 4 8 3 5 0 4 7 0 1 1 1 2 0 0 5 7 3 4 9 1 2 7 4, 0 2 1 1 1 9 7 8 7 8 3 3 2 2 0 9 6 2 5 2 6 6 9 6 2 4 2 0 3 1 6 2 7 0 4 2 0 0 5

wish on my star

this is the song from hula girls. ukelele played by jake shimabukuro. very soothing and very touching. i teared when this song came on during the show.

i wouldn’t change a thing about you
i wouldn’t ask the green to be blue
i wouldn’t ask the birds not to fly
or change a thing in the sky
or turn hello to goodbye

i wouldn’t ask the birds not to sing
i wouldn’t ask the phone not to ring
i just couldn’t ask the wind not to blow
or a boat not to row
or the trio to go solo

you are amazing
just as you are
you’re a flower in the spring
you’re the light each morning brings
and i adore you
just the way you are

you are not the star that i wish on
you are the wish on my star

death

wat will you think about on your death bed?...

outrageous

heard this from a friend of mine who attended a course last week and where a case study was presented.... the case study involved a `controversial' behaviour by a public servant (who belongs to a superbly homophobic government organisation) who had gone to taiwan to attend a gay party... the lecturer then went on to ask the class (all of whom belonged to the same organisation) - how can we have such a character in our organisation? what if he were to start an orgy in the office? how would you react if you were to see a (gay) male public service officer having sex with another male in office?

his questions got the class outraged. has he assumed that if one is gay, then he will definitely organise orgies? how more wrong can he be! well, the class (almost entirely straight) did not take this too well. to his second question, the class replied - "just as i would react if i were to catch a male public service officer having sex with another female officer in office... for that matter, if he were to have sex with a dog..."

the lecturer, sensing the potential hostility he would face if he were to continue to pursue his homophobic views, quickly moved on to another topic...

characters in my life

(ks/ roger), (wai min), chong, (collin), (dennis/cq), (adam, now lucas), alex, andrew, amos, (albert), james...

memories...

national express, belle and sebestian, NME, entertainment weekly, venom, dear, falling off chin up bar, black pepper beef noodles, vegetable rice, scented bathes in the bath tub, tokyo, london, leeds, oxford, rented ford mondeo, flying inkpot, reviews, raoul, nie graduation, alanis @ harbourfront, bjork, peaches, ngoh hiang, pow sing,...

it's amazing how memories can sometimes overwhelm you. not unlike a flash flood or a tsunami that swells and rushes through you... bitter, sweet, sad, happy, angry...

falling apart

reported sick for sore throat and did a blood pressure check 2 weeks ago... result - 138/89. today, it was 138/88... not significantly different.

frightening thing is in the consistency of the pressure. used to have low bp many years back. now, the reading is found to be above what is generally considered normal (<130/ 80), a bit on the high end... or for that matter, can be considered mild high blood pressure.

getting old i guess... things have been falling apart after 35, hastened a lot after being outed at 38 when in that one year, I suffered (suspected) asthmatic attacks, (several bouts of severe) chest pains, high cholesterol, several blanked offs (epilepsy due to stress?), broken ankle, etc.

facts of life...

Beautiful Sunday

A pleasant and beautiful Sunday for me... regardless of the fact that I did almost absolutely nothing other than spending a lazy morning in bed with my bee bee, marketing in the Marine Terrace wet market and the whole afternoon chatting with my mum (quality time!) while cleaning my house... cleaning the rugs, hand-wiped the floor (of the whole house), washing the bedsheets, pillow cases, sunning the mattresses etc etc... and occasionally stealing time to surf the web.

Visited Joyce's blog (she's someone who used to live in my estate but have since moved out and I only got to know of her existence when I did a google for "gay changi green"!). Well, I really enjoyed the questions that she posed in her blog. Here's a sample of what she posted:

Q) why is it so hard for you to turn straight?
A) why not you try turning gay now?

Q) how can you be so sure that you like girls?
A) for guys: how can you be so sure that you like girls only?
for girls: how can you be so sure that you like guys only?

Q) you haven't tried dick before. what makes you so sure you don't like heterosexual sex?
A) for guys: you haven't tried dick before. what makes you so sure you don't like gay sex?
for girls: you haven't tried pussy before. what makes you so sure you don't like lesbian sex?

Q) Desperate guys: give me a chance. I'm sure I'll turn you straight.
A) I have a gay friend who's single. give him a chance. I'm sure he can turn you gay. :)

Q) so are you the "GUY" in the relationship?
A) there's no such thing as "GUY" or "GIRL" in my relationship. we're both girls in love with each other.

Q) you're lesbian. you must have been hurt by a guy before?
A) for girls: you're straight. you must have been hurt by a girl before?
for guys: you're straight. you must have been hurt by a guy too before?

Q) girls: you're lesbian. why don't you like me? / how come you've never fancied me before?
A) (for the last damn time,) me being lesbian doesn't mean I will hump every girl that moves. oh wait, look at that short and fat guy with pimply oily face over there. you're straight, why don't you like him?

Found myself giggling and smiling to myself. Nice right? Well, one or two of her questions reminded me of something I posted in my blog sometime back... "It's always socially more acceptable for a straight couple to do an immoral deed, then for a gay couple to find love." Agree?

A new week ahead...

What's Next? Still Restricted?

Thinking aloud... with this latest twist (see article below) in development in Singapore, does it mean my security department no longer has any rights to restrict my visits to gay joints and that I am no longer bounded by the commitment they made me sign? also, that I no longer need to tell them about my trips overseas?

Article from Straits Times published on 11 Jul 2007 (also available online)

MM LEE'S INTERVIEW WITH BERITA HARIAN
No prying on gays but no marriages either

GAY marriages are recognised by some countries, but Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew does not see Singapore going that way.

Singapore, a more conservative society, wants to keep its social norms, he said.

But the Government should not act like moral policemen, 'prying on consenting adults', he added.

MM Lee made the point in an interview with Malay daily Berita Harian, published yesterday.

He said: 'At present, the West accepts homosexuals, and some countries even recognise gay weddings.

'We cannot go that far. We are a more conservative society.'

Citing the Church of England, Mr Lee noted serious tension between the Anglican church in England, which was more tolerant of homosexuality, and the Anglican communities in Africa and Asia that rejected it totally.

'In Singapore, we want to maintain our social norm, which is that men and women marry and form stable families within which they bring up children,' he said.

But neither should the Government pry on consenting adults, he added, reiterating a view he has expressed a couple of times this year.

'We must take cognisance of the contemporary world that has become more accommodating...Homosexuals are mostly born that way, and no public purpose is served by interfering in their private lives,' he said.

Mr Lee also said the integrated resorts (IRs) and Formula One racing will increase Singapore's buzz, attract a few million more tourists and make the island a lively place to visit and do business.

The IRs are expected to open from 2009, and Singapore will host the F1 Grand Prix from next year.

Mr Lee said: 'If we remain static and unchanged, known only as clean and green Singapore, but otherwise with an international reputation for being a dull and antiseptic place, we will lose out in this fast-changing world.

'High-level executives want to be posted to a country not just for an increase in their pay but also what lifestyle they and their families can enjoy.'

Hence the need for a lively pop culture like the IRs and bars, and a vibrant high culture like concerts, he said.

MM Lee also stressed the need for Singapore to attract foreign talent and foreign workers to thrive.

Foreign talent will create more jobs for Singaporeans, while foreign workers will do jobs locals avoid and bear the brunt of layoffs in a recession, he said.

'The more talent - local and foreign - we have, the more dynamic our economy and the better-off Singaporeans will be.

'The less talent we have, the less our economic vitality with fewer jobs, and more unemployed.'

ZAKIR HUSSAIN

2% GST - or is it?

well, on the surface, it's 2% GST. generally true for the big items, and for those who purchase items directly from big retailers, shopping centers and what have yous.

for those heartlanders who shop at the typical ah-seng chup huay tiam, eats at hawker centers; and pays by cash, it's not so simple and straight forward... overheard yesterday at the hawker center - heartlander aunties chatting away... kopi `o' now cost 10 cents more (60-70 cents instead of 50-60 cents) - that's easily another 20%, not to mention also, unbranded plain bread (not those gardenia or sunshine type) - used to be S$1, now it's S$1.20, again, another 20% increase... the zai bee hoon used to be $2, now it's $2.50... a bit here and a bit there, it's easily 10-20% increase overall!

and of course, not to mention other ways of getting around the 2% include - lesser ingredients, lesser noodles, smaller cups, etc... cannot say they have increased the price right? but in the end, the people have to face the brunt.... 2%? cannot compute in such straight forward manner right?

all these does not seem to tally with the overall intent of increasing 2% GST so as to subsidize the poorer people...

no, no, don't get me wrong, i think the 2% increase is justified for the bigger good, but i guess it is not easy to police such policy changes and perhaps in the way things are unfolding as i am seeing, it seemed like this is another case of pure intention, but poorly managed implementation... and hopefully, it is not a case of loosing touch with the ground...

watching from afar

found myself observing and following his life from afar.through his msn intro, through his blog, through his fridae account, through his friends, whatever source of info that i can get.still, i am concerned about him and his well-being. but, i am not able to tell him nor is it convenient to do so.

kind of weird... but i guess i have no choice.

for the time-being, till we both start to feel comfortable enough to face each other and talk about our lives, i have to watch from afar.

hope he enjoys his bangkok trip.

(well, again it's kinda mixed feeling for me to know that he is going bkk. cos when we were together, he swore blind he would not go there. to him, bkk was a dirty and polluted place... also, i wonder who he is going with)

not himself

that was what was reflected on his msn intro... hope he is fine.

7 down 3 to go...

nearing the completion of my 7th module in my masters.

3 more to go.

aim to graduate Jul 08.

emotional rush

amidst the songs, i was quietly crying inside.

fusion bak chang

once again, bak chang season. completed after 2 days of hardwork. glad everyone likes it :) my recipe as shown below - my own version - fusion chang - nonya and hokkien kiam chang... first attempt was during my tour in the states in 2004. all the delegates who tried liked it. my fellow singaporeans loved it as it reminded them so much of home. and my thai friends and their families loved it to bits! i decided that i should continue making it and improving on the recipe, even after coming home.

meat
4kg of meat (wu hua rou)
300g of heh bee (dried shrimps soaked for 3 hours)
1 large packet (300g) dried shiitake mushroom (soaked overnight & sliced)
15 large onions (diced)
10 garlics (chopped)
250g of sweetened preserved winter melon (diced 5mm)

seasonings for meat
2 packets of coriander powder
white pepper powder (to taste)
200g of white sugar
light soya sauce (to taste)
dark soya (to taste and to colour)
50 mil of sesame oil
50 mil of oil (vegetable)
50 mil of lard (optional)
1 tablespoon msg (optional)

rice
4kg of glutinous rice (soaked for 3 hours)

seasonings for rice
white pepper powder (to taste)
10 mil of sesame oil
20 mil of oil (vegetable)
10 garlics (chopped)
1.5 tablespoon salt (or to taste)
half cup gravy from the cooking of the meat
1 tablespoon msg (optional)
pandan leaves (about 7, cut 5cm long and sliced vertically)

others
120 bamboo leaves (washed in hot water and soaked overnight)
rafia strings (tied into 10s of 50cm long) (1 roll makes about 12 bundles of 10s)
pandan leaves (2 stalks) cut to 2cm strips (for inserting into the dumplings)

(recipe posted in 16 jun 2007 & updated in 08 jun 2008)