i think my depression has gotten back. i have been feeling uneasy, sad and anxious although outwardly, i seemed pretty cool about things and easy-going. and i think i am like that because of:
- i was unhappy that bee did not even made the effort to have dinner with me over the pass 10-days. i had expected him to spend more time with me during my break but he could not due to his work. he only initiated a dinner after i expressed my displeasure and we ended up having a rather short dinner last night, the night before mum returns.
- i was rather anxious about my staff leaving. she finally left 2 days ago. my new staff joins me end of the month.
- i felt a little unsettled without a boss. my ex-boss left 2 weeks ago. well, technically this was a good thing cos he was useless and there was no leadership from him. yet, strangely, when he left, there was a weird sense of being unsettled cos with no one around, there was no one to take responsibility if things get screwed up.
- i felt angry with my colleague who seemed extra unco-operative these days.
- i felt uncertain about my new boss, who will join us within the next couple of weeks. the uncertainty of what this new boss will be like is rather unsettling.
- the anticipation of the end of my "holiday". my domestic helper is coming home and that means, mum is coming home. this only meant the end of my mental break.
all these add up to big time stress for me i guess. and being someone who hardly verbalise my thoughts, i end up keeping them inside and feeling all pent up. and when that happens, i start worrying, and think too much for my own good, and then i get depressed...
hmmm...
*singing Frozen's Let It Go*
ReplyDeleteaiya, relax la :-)
sometimes thinking too much also not good,but sometimes some people do think a lot, and i have no idea what i am blabbing, because i think a lot as well...lol...
Hi Jeffrey,
ReplyDeleteAt least you can identify the triggers which is a major accomplishment.
Am I wrong in thinking they are all related to feeling you do not have control?
That can be very frustrating leading to stress and finally anger. I'm still fascinated by the concept that depression is internalized silent anger (ignoring chemical imbalances that can also play a major role: complex vitamin B, especially B6, tends to help in my family).
I hope you will sort things into what you need to influence and focus your energies on developing plans to influence those to acceptable outcomes (isn't "control" an illusion of our ego?). From those perhaps you do not need to influence: the younger colleague who wants to have greater autonomy to succeed or fail.
Best regards, Edwin
Hey Edwin,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your thoughts. Yes, I think you are right. And perhaps, objectively, it reflected my insecurities and self-confidence (or the lack of it). This is something i will need to learn how to address. And it does not do me good for the fact that I have the tendencies to think too much, too much for my own good.
And about your point about internal anger vs imbalance in chemicals, perhaps they have a cause-effect relationship? the internal anger leads to chemical imbalance? or perhaps the other way round? i don't know.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I might just try to take some vitamin Bs.
:-)
Jeffrey
Hi Jeffrey,
ReplyDeleteThinking too much is probably not the issue, but allowing those thoughts to dwell on the negative, grind an issue thin and worry all the future possibilities will get us.
Better to decide on desired outcomes and develop plans knowing that all good plans must include flexibility in implementation. Trust the future can be sorted because the past has been survived (always celebrate the successes so they won't so easily fade, because the disappointments will not fade until we recognize their futility).
I know, easier said than done. When all else fails a good distraction :-)
I think there are always "good" reasons to be depressed if one wants to live there: misery is not a good address. Why things come to a head and take hold of us, I suspect, is our support systems become weakened including our diet (or maybe our diet isn't stepped up to deal with the increasing issues). That's the problem of not being a medical professional with proper studies to support one's theories. But, being aware and increasing complex vitamin B seems to help keep things from spiralling. And, if they do spiral, getting proper medical attention.
Sorry if that was too much, but where my thoughts have advanced to.
Best wishes, Edwin
Hey Edwin,
ReplyDeletePlease don't apologize, I appreciate your pointing out of the need to be future focused and efforts to make things happen. Your sharing about the need to avoid dwelling in the negatives really hit the point.
Yes, these are things I have to yet again remind myself of. And thanks for the great reminders. Need to also work on not taking things too personally. Long riad ahead, but constantly working on them.
Best regards,
Jeffrey
Hi Jeffrey,
ReplyDeleteIt is a journey we are all on. May we all have a long road to go.
Best regards, Edwin
thanks for the reminder and encouragement yet again my dear friend.
ReplyDeletevery much appreciated.
jeffrey