the recovery

he came back on sunday afternoon.

i didn't want to talk to him. i switched off my phone. this was the longest time in our close to 10 years together that we didn't talk. i was too hurt and too numb to do so. yet despite the numbness and sense of death i felt, inwardly, there was this little bit of me that worries about his well-being. but i kept all these feeling and thoughts suppressed. i wanted to give myself a break. i wanted to be fair to myself and to convince myself that i could live life as independently as possible. i was ready to cut this relationship.

and to avoid him, i kept my phone away. i did not carry it with me. i kept it in my car. i left it at home, etc. but occasionally i would switched it on to see if he had attempted to contact me. true enough, the first message came about 4-ish. it said "i am back". and through the whole of sunday, until i slept, he called a total of 6 times. but he couldn't reach me. i couldn't care to respond. his abrupt disappearance and lack of care and considerations for me had killed my heart. i was hardened. yet, i also pondered - how many times will he call me? to me, the number of attempts to contact me reflects how important i am to him. but on the other hand, i knew he won't. he is not that type of person. for him, i was certain, he would just stop once he sensed my avoidance. and i was right. there was no further contact from him on monday. i had left the phone switched on on monday as i needed to maintain a channel of communications with mum. but yeah, he did not call. nor sms.

monday. a week had passed since i last spoke to him. this was the longest time we did not talk to each other in our close to 10 years together. i was at home at about 9pm when i finally decided to text him. i decided to start the conversation. i didn't want this to drag. if the relationship is off, let's agree and move on. let's not drag this further i thought. he replied my text shortly after i texted him. he was at (his) home. i asked him to come over. "isn't mama at home?" he asked. damned, he forgot my mum was not around. it reinforced my suspicions that nothing i said went into him. "nope, i answered, she went to stay at my brother's place." 

he came over soon enough. initially, there was just silence. he acted like as though nothing had happened. i didn't want to start the conversation but after a while, i got impatient and what followed that was a good 4-5 hours of me throwing all my tensions and thoughts about him. i decided to make all my thoughts about where he failed as a partner explicit. if he cannot sense the issues, then i might as well tell it to him point blank. it was a tense 4-5 hours interspersed with moments of silence. he was bloody defensive at times, yet at times, he felt asleep and snored. how could anyone sleep when such a serious conversation was going on, i thought. there were moments where i wanted to just tell him to fuck off, but in the end, i decided to let him decide - do you want this relationship?

he said yes. 

apologise if you agree you had gone totally off and totally overboard this time round. i half demanded. he did. and i gave him the ultimatum - then, show it in action and in thoughts. show me that you value me. otherwise, i will not hesitate to end the relationship. 

the conversation ended about 3am before he left. 

i hardly slept after that.