i had self-declared singlehood over the weekend. and admittedly, it was with a tint of soreness and disappointment. but with the self-declared singlehood, i felt liberated. yet, i also felt a slight need to want to inflict a certain degree of self-harm. conflicting. what occurred in my mind was - i am now single and i might as well make the most out of my life and have fun while at it. and while i am having fun, let's do it in a manner that i can destroy myself.
and with this mentality, options like crashing my car, jumping off buildings, jumping into the way of speeding cars in highways were shelved. they didn't carry any element of fun, despite having a common end-state. on the other hand, doing things like going clubbing to meet other people, to drown myself into the crowd, into the loud music, etc did not sound good to me to. i realised i had lost touch with the scene.
in the end, i decided to do things i enjoy but couldn't do it often enough and that these activities also came with an element of risk/ pain/ discomfort. i went to watch a midnight show - yup, to enjoy the show yet on the other hand, deprive me of some good sleep. i went to gay haunts such as fort road and cbp - to cruise and possibly, to get engage group sex, anal sex, anonymous sex, etc and get myself infected with all sorts of diseases and better still die (well, the sex part did not happen in the end) (is this what people called "revenge sex"?). i went for a run in the rain - to enjoy the feeling of rain washing away my tensions, and if possible, fall badly sick. i also took and published my nude pics online in social media and chatted with anonymous characters whenever i could.
so, yup, that kinda described how i felt and what i did to myself over the weekend. and the fact that i did and achieved what i wanted to achieve within my control, i thought the weekend was well spend.
lol.
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