distressed state

i had avoided talking for him after he told me he'd be leaving for bkk. i was really sore about it and his lack of considerations for me when he decided to go. he had a choice but chose to go. this was made worst by the earlier thoughts that i would be undergoing a medical procedure and had hoped for his presence to support me. i couldn't sleep the night before he left. it was also the night before i was supposed to head back to work after a 10-day of absence and i was totally not looking forward to it. there was no sense of purpose at work, my staff had left, i had had a quarrel with a colleague before I took my leave and i had to return back to a hostile office. i was a total mess that night.

i texted him at 2-plus after tossing and turning in bed for some time. can please don't go? please? i got a reply about an hour later that said something like – why is my going to bkk going to result in a break-up? is it that serious? i was totally not in the state of mind to talk and did not answer his call. it was close to 3am. it was not me to plead. but this time round, i did. i was desperate and helpless. i texted him and asked again – can don't go? please? i got no reply from him.

it will not be truthful for me to say that i didn't contemplate suicide at that wee hours of the morning. i was too confused and too upset by that time to think objectively. i had hoped he could be around during this christmas period. i am not christian and do not celebrate christmas but still, i had hoped that he would be around during this special season that to me, is very family-centric and very significant. i had also hoped he would understand my current state of mind. but i supposed it was kinda too much of me to ask for. perhaps he didn't know the extent of depression that i was nor understand the mental stress i had been facing. or maybe i didn't tell him all these things directly.

my mind was in a state of turmoil when i headed off to work that morning. i arrived at work early but didn't want to head up to my office. i ended up parking my car at an isolated corner of the business park and i just sat there, dazed. i headed to work as per normal and at about 9.15am, i got his message – i am boarding, don't be sore about it. see you sunday. that very moment, a large part of me died. my heart hardened.

my hands were trembling so badly i could hardly hold my phone when i saw his final pre-boarding message. from his text, it was clear he had read my blog and understood how sore i was about his going bkk. and added to that, despite my pleading with him, he had proceeded to leave for bkk. he had given a deaf ear to my plea to him. it was then that i concluded that my well-being has become secondary to him. that his "colleagues" (or perhaps "friends" or whatever) were more important to him. they have taken over me in his heart.

i didn't know what to do at that moment. i felt so totally helpless. i walked out of my office and stood at my office building stairwell. i didn't know what to do. outwardly, i seemed ok to my office staff. but inside, i was crying. since he wanted to go bkk so badly with his "colleagues", i contemplated making him feel guilty for his act. forever. once again, i was so near to taking my own life. i almost lost my senses. but i didn't. after i gain composure, i walked back to my cubicle, my clothes damp from my perspiration. after that, i simply retracted into myself even more.

i was literally a walking zombie the whole day. it didn't matter that the department had a christmas lunch, or that they got me a belated birthday cake. it didn't matter that everyone seemed so smiley and cheerful. to me, everything was a total pack of lies. all fake, all make believe. everything was so meaningless since then.