"i"

been reminding myself that the person i am dealing with is no longer a sane person. she is a sick person who is totally screwed up up there. and she is a pitiful person who knows no more logic and totally consumed with herself. when i think that way, it helped me depersonalize the whole experience and just give in. she has been destroyed by her overly focused on herself. and looking at it that way, i must remind myself to also let go of myself and let go of her.

firstly, letting go of myself. i shall not get worked up when things get challenging and when tantrums are directed at me. it is not about protecting my dignity and standing up for myself when she scolds me and is unreasonable. i should have no sense of self when faced with such situations. once u start to see things from an "i" angle, anger will set in. self-centricity has not place when handling a person whose mind is no longer logical.

secondly, letting her go. she is sick in her mind. she is no longer able to think things objectively. she is so consumed by herself that she no longer understands logic. logic to her is about herself, everything about herself. it does not matter what anyone does, she choose to interpret all actions according to her state of mind. if she sees you as a threat, whatever good you do, she's still twist it to convince herself that you have ulterior motives, when you do not do anything, she'll use it to reinforce her belief that there is nothing good you can do for her (at best) or that it is a prelude to upcoming bad things. and so, when faced with such a person who is your mother, you have to learn to let her go. she is no longer your mother per se. just remind yourself that she had performed her motherly duties previously and that the only thing you can do for her now is to ensure her basic needs are provided for.

i need to remind myself of these. her inability to let herself go has robbed her of her sanity. i must learn from her. i need to let go of myself. and i need let go of her. the cliche phrase - if you love someone, let him/ her go - applies here totally. and it applies personally too... for my own sanity, just ignore her abuses and tantrums...