taking a break

i have decided to apply for  a day's leave on monday.

needed the break.

:-)

lesson for maid

i spoke with the maid as we drove home last evening.

i could sense her uneasiness and stress after the day's events. it must have been a traumatic affair for her to experience my mum. and the day was a culmination of all the emotional and psychological tensions over the pass 2-3 weeks. i also noted a slight tint of defensiveness when she talked about how she managed mum. she must have misread me when i asked her those questions. clearly, all the mental preparations i carried out on the maid did not work. nonetheless, i was not surprised to see her being so tensed up. her face showed it clearly. 

and on our way home from the hospital, i gave her the details of why mum behaved this way and without sounding like i was aiding my mum, i told her that these were expected challenges when one handles an elderly with mums mental issues… she listens quietly as i explained. i asked her this morning if she understood what i said. she replied positively and added that she couldn't sleep the whole night. i didn't ask her why but i suspected she was kinda confused about the whole issue. perhaps she even wondered if working for me is a good idea now! 

haha...

high fever

mum was hospitalized yesterday.

i was at the hospital since 8.45am and by the time she was confirmed for hospitalization, it was close to 3pm. i decided to leave her after she was send to the observation ward. before leaving, i told her i needed a rest and would not visit her in the evening. with that, i went for my chiro treatment and called bee to arrange for an early dinner.

i updated my intentions to rest to my siblings and in no time, all of them replied that they were busy and would not be visiting her too. hmmm… and i thought by telling them i won't be going, they would make a trip down. it didn't turn out the way i had expected. it would not be nice to have mum with no visitors i thought. never mind, you guys go ahead and do what you need to, i'll visit her in this case. i said.

in the midst of my dinner, a call came in… it was my mum's number. ah ma wants to go home sir! ah man wants to go home! the maid's voice rang through, sounding superbly flustered as she went on rattling a lot of other stuff that sounded like mum pulling off her clothes and could not be controlled. she was not making sense and i told her, let me talk to ah ma. when mum came to the phone, she repeated what the maid said - she wanted to go home. i asked her why and she insisted she was ok. from the sounds of it, i knew something was wrong. i decided to head down to the hospital immediately. 

when i arrived at the ward, the curtain was half-drawn and when i peered in, i saw mum trying to pull off her diapers. i am ok already and i want to go home, she insisted yet again. i sat beside her and explained to her that i would do so but needed to get the doctor's discharge order i could do anything. i held her hand and noted it was burning hot! the maid told me she had sponged mum earlier and the nurses had given her some paracetamol but the fever did not subside. mum, however, had been wanting to go home, insisting in changing into her soiled clothes, she said. i noted the input but for me, my focus was to calm her down and bring down the temperature. i started using a wet handkerchief to sponge her as i chatted with her (thinking back now, i believe she was in a state of delirium due to her high fever).

anyway, the nurse came and took her temperature and blood pressure again. 39.4, registered the thermometer. high blood pressure noted earlier had stabilized, the nurse said. thank good ness, i thought as the maid and i continued sponging her body and placed ice on her forehead and neck. her temperature dropped after some time and she calmed down. by that time, the doctor came, took some blood and gave her an antibiotic jab. we needed to do some culture to ascertain the cause of the fever, she explained. soon enough, mum drifted to sleep...

noting she's well-settled, we left for home.

hospitalized yet again

mum started wheezing a little over the last couple of days. in addition, she had also been complaining of weakness and pain in her right thigh and knee over the past 2 weeks. it seemed to be a repeat of what happened many a times previously. and during those times, it was mainly due to her tendency to press her whole body weight to her right when she sat on the sofa, in another words, bad posture. i decided against bringing her to the family clinic cos i am of the opinion that apart from prescribing painkillers and advocating rest, there was nothing really much that the family doctor could do. and so this time round, i advised her to adopt a proper sitting posture and gave her painkillers instead.

but to manage her, i suggested bringing her to the hospital and as usual she resisted. i don't like to go the the hospital. i'll be warded for sure. she protested, yet again. such ironies in this resistance and the statement wasn't it? and so, she agreed on taking painkillers and resting. nonetheless, she wasn't convinced that it was what we should do. but thankfully, the physiotherapist at her rehab center echoed what i said and iterated to her that her thighs were ok, advocated rest and ordered the nurses at the rehab center to give her more massages. with this input from the physiotherapist, she felt more assured. sighs… words from another person outside the family seemed to give her more assurance these days.

yesterday early in the morning, due to her paranoia, she got out of bed at 1.30am, went to make herself a snack and after that decided against heading to her room. instead she slept on the sofa in the living room and asked (more like ordered) the maid to stay in the room. and during one of her trips to the toilet, her knees gave way and she "fell". in effect, she kneeled down and landed on her knees. it happened twice and resulted in a badly bruised right knee.

i didn't know about it until i got up from bed in the morning and she showed me her knees. i am in terrible shape and i want to go to the hospital, she said. i had two very very bad falls. her demand hit me quite unexpectedly as i had a series of activities planned at worked. nonetheless, it was not often that she asked to go to the hospital and i seize the chance to do so. i cancelled my meetings and brought her to the a&e straightaway. it was a good opportune for me to get an opinion about her wheezing, i thought.

and true enough, at the hospital, during my one-to-one talk with the doctor, he opined that her fall was not much of an issue and that she would be ok. as for her lack of oxygen, it didn't seemed as serious as before but bad enough to warrant immediate attention. nonetheless, she had responded well to treatment and seemed ok at that moment. i told him my preference would be for her to be warded. he said he would arrange for it provided his consultant agrees. i wanted her to be warded as it would be an excellent opportunity for her to recover mentally and not go crazy over imaginary maid issues. i felt she needed the time to forget things. and frankly, i wanted both myself and the maid to have a break from her too. 

with my input, the doctor played along. in fact, it was so smooth, mum did not even suspect anything. what happened was… i was standing beside her and talking to her and the doctor came up to me and told me we have given your mum 4 nebs. she should be ok for now. but certainly, she must be admitted for further observations and tests… mum was in front of us when the doctor said that. and i could almost see a little sparkly in his eyes as he told me she needed to be warded. 

haha! and that was how mum got warded. and thankfully so too cos in the evening, she came down with high fever...

3333

this is a milestone post. it is my 3333rd posting in this blog.

this blog has come a long way and have grown with me, much as i have learned from it since i started it way back in 2005.

and as stupid and laughable as it might sound, i am dedicating this post to my blog!

:-)

huat kueh (发糕)

there was half a huat kueh (发糕) from lunar new year left in the fridge and i decided to get the maid to steam it and have it as a snack over the last weekend. thought i needed to do it before it gets too hard.

for me, eating the huat kueh was not a case of simply the taste that matter. rather, it was the whole experience of peeling the paper, breaking small parts of it off, nibbling the bits and allowing the huat kueh to melt in your mouth as the coconut flavor spread… hmmm, it reminded me of my younger days, the feeling of home, the feeling of traditions, of how the huat kueh was only bought during festive seasons, of my mum steaming it… the feeling being transported back to the simpler days of the past.

such a simple fare, yet such priceless experience. something that no topnotch restaurant food can ever achieve.

:-)

what a joke

bee and i had korean dinner in the heart of the central business district last evening. and while waiting for our dinner to be served, a group of 5 young guys in their 20s walked into restaurant. they were dressed in smart casual and judging by the office pass that one of them wore around his neck, it kinda suggest these were colleagues who had to work on a saturday evening.

anyway, it was difficult not to notice them when they entered the restaurant, not becos we were seated along the aisle near the door, but rather, these 5 guys behaved like the whole world belonged to them/ owed them a living! 自以为是… they continued talking amongst themselves as the restaurant staff came up to them. and they talked really loudly and boastfully! just like some big time businessmen!

and given their behavior, the restaurant staff offered a room to them. but they turned it down… the room came with a minimal charge. no, they said and quickly sat at a table beside us. they were given the menu and it took them a very quick moment to decide what they wanted. they called the waiting staff, and then they ordered....

kimchee ramen aka instant noodles...

korean dinner

last evening, i had dinner with bee. 

had been a superbly long time since we last had dinner together alone. actually, we were supposed to meet up with another friend for the dinner but he couldn't make it in the end and so we decided to keep to schedule and head out for dinner ourselves. and the dinner was a very welcoming breather for me given my bloody pent up and frustrated state of mind, and that i needed a break from mum and her tantrums.

and to prevent my mum from going all crazy (literally) and paranoid about me heading out of the house, i had to lie to her that my big boss was buying dinner for my office. so… anyway, it was a very good dinner. totally unplanned. we decided on the spot that it would be a korean barbecue dinner and ordered a serving of pork and a serving of beef. and of course, to complete the meal, i ordered a makgeolli. korean meals are never complete without liquor. getting a little tipsy after downing the makgeolli was the best thing for me yesterday.

:-)

superglue nephew

my nephew has the habit of clinging to me these days.

whenever i head to the house, once he sees me, he would break into tears and then grab me tightly. he would then refuse to let go of me through the day. and when i leave the house (or for that matter, even when i head to the loo), he would cry and wail like as though i am abandoning him!

well, i did some research in the net and understood that it is normal for children at this age (about 15 to 24 months) to show signs of separation anxiety. and that it is actually good for them if managed well. but really, looking at the intensity of his clinginess, it kinda makes me a little worried if he is ok. and i am especially worried becos i also came to know that his elder sister, who is already 3 years old, has been beating him up quite frequently. 

it seemed like there are signs of jealousy and sibling rivalry for attention from their parents now.

hmmm….

haywire mum

was a challenging week at work. and on the personal front, it was equally challenging. mum's paranoia has returned again. and over the week, there were more than enough incidents that suggest that this time round, it was bad. 

for a start, whenever i come home from work this week, the mood would be kinda solemn and moody. i asked the maid if everything was ok and she told me that for reasons unknown, mum would come home from work (the rehab center), watch the tv chinese drama serial, and whenever she disagrees with the actions of any particular character in the show, she would turn her anger towards the maid and scold her. hmmm… added to that, she would go into my room and sleep on the bed, and then she would start to chant and make all sorts of gestures in my room. it was like as though she was trying to exorcise my room.

and one evening when i came back from work, for reasons unknown, second sis dropped by. and as i was cooking, she went into the kitchen and told me mum was behaving weird again. i had suspected it but was kinda surprised second sis brought it up. and she told me mum called her and told her that the maid is now planning to harm her. and to do it, the maid has roped in people from her office (the rehab center) too. and i had been skewing all conversations i have with her about how good rehab centers are since then. 

to make it worst, on thursday, i came back home and noted the maid had started cooking dinner. surprised, i asked her why and she said my mum "ordered" her to do it. and just as she told me, mum walked into the kitchen and said, if the maid cook, i don't want to eat. it took me a while to convince her that i was the one who did the cooking instead. finally, when i asked her why she has started to sleep in my room and why she refused to eat if the cooking was done by the maid, she responded "it's ok, you need not ask. i know the reasons, and that is enough…" it was a hostile respond and she would go into this mood daily. 

and these couple of days too, whenever i wake up, she would raise her voice and demanded to know "why did you came home late last night?" it culminated in this morning when i finally asked her why did she keep asking the same question even though i did not go out at all. and with that, she got angry and started to throw tantrums. and then she raised her voice and said things like "you can go out and don't come back for all i care" "i don't want to control your movement"… she now refuses all food and also refuses to talk to me.

hmmm… would be superbly difficult if at some point, mum starts to avoid heading to the rehab center. and for now, i might just increase the dosage of her medication.

fulfilling week

been a superbly challenging week for me. 

doing work, running office errands, conducting programs, attending workshop, meetings… it was nonstop. but as in all things challenging, it was equally fulfilling. completed everything planned in good time and well, i supposed it was in part due to the conscious efforts to start off the week with the clarity of what my team and i wanted to achieve. that allowed us to move ahead in the week in a very focused manner.

it will be an even more challenging week ahead. and i think it will be just as fulfilling. just need to make sure we go into it with the end in mind.

:-)

listen

for reasons unknown, this song has been ringing in my head non-stop today.

:-)

listen
listen to the song here in my heart
a melody i start but can't complete
listen to the sound from deep within
it's only the beginning to find release

oh, the time has come for my dreams to be heard
they will not be pushed aside and turned
into your own all 'cause you won't
listen

listen, i am alone at a crossroads
i'm not at home in my own home
and i've tried and tried to say what's on my mind
you should have known

oh, now i'm done believing you
you don't know what i'm feeling
i'm more than what you made of me
i followed the voice you gave to me
but now i've gotta find my own

you should have listened, there is someone here inside
someone i thought had died so long ago
oh, i'm screaming out and my dreams'll be heard
they will not be pushed aside or turned
into your own all 'cause you won't
listen

listen, i am alone at a crossroads
i'm not at home in my own home
and i've tried and tried to say what's on mind
you should have known

oh, now i'm done believing you
you don't know what i'm feeling
i'm more than what you made of me
i followed the voice you gave to me
but now i've gotta find my own

i don't know where i belong
but i'll be moving on
if you don't, if you won't

listen to the song here in my heart
a melody i start but i will complete

oh, now i'm done believing you
you don't know what I'm feeling
i'm more than what you made of me
i followed the voice you think you gave to me
but now i've gotta find my own, my own

sudden eyesight deterioration

my eyesight has deteriorated significantly overnight. ok, not literally overnight. perhaps over the last 2 weeks or so. then, i was still able to read my iphone and the newspapers in the morning with my specs and/ or contact lenses. but now, when i take up the papers, i see a page of blur words. it was terrible. as for my iphone, i hold it up to read my smses and i see nothing. i need to lift up my specs and wait a split second to allow my eye to refocus before i can read… 

then again, i had expected it to come. i was, however, surprised by the suddenness and the speed of the deterioration.

perhaps it is a good time to consider a pair of reading glasses…

:-)

wtf

regardless of how frustrated you are, you must never never dump your frustrations on people who are trying to help you.

worst of all, people who try to help are usually people closest to you.

agree?

doctor 2

my right eye has been feeling uncomfortable over the past few days. 

it started 3 days ago when i felt a sharp pain at the outer corner of my lower eye lid. and at the same time, my eye felt like as though it was gonna explode. the pressure from inside the eye was quite bad. it felt like as tho a sty was developing. somehow, the discomfort lifted after i took a break from my contact lenses.

and yesterday, the pain came back again. this time round, it occurred closer to the tear duct and similarly the pressure was extremely bad. i took a break again from my contact lenses and decided to pay a visit to the doctor. after describing the pain to the doctor, he agreed that it was probably caused by a developing sty and that it was likely because of an infected root of an eye lash…

hmmm… and interestingly he asked me if i needed an mc. frankly, i didn't know how to answer such questions. i simply said i should be ok and left the clinic. always felt that doctors should decide the mc and not ask patients as they would be able to best assess if the condition is contagious. 

then again… it was nice of him to ask.

i should have said yes!

haha!

doctor 1

went to the doctor last week (when i visited the accident and emergency ward) and told the doctor about my constant sore throat and cough. after checking, he concluded that it was due to my nasal back flow and prescribed anti-histamines to me. in addition, he also gave me a bottle of cough medication to control my cough. been a week. don't think it help much. i think i should just find the opportunities to rest my throat and minimize talking.

:-)

lemons or lemonade

in any situations in life, we have the choice when it comes to responding. we can feel threatened and depressed about it, we can ignore it to our best ability, or we can make the best out of it. we decide.

when life throws lemon at you… don't keep complaining it is sour. make lemonade!

picture from http://www.recipeshowto.com

strawberries

mum is kinda addicted to korean strawberries now.

just 3 days ago, she swore off all strawberries becos from previous experience, she generalized that all strawberries are sour, and terrible. but after buying one box of korean strawberries for her to try 2 days ago (and she did so after quite a lot of coaxing), she has developed a liking for it.

and so, she walloped the box i bought, and had been pestering me to buy them since. i got her another box yesterday (to which she also cleared them happily), and today at the market, i left her at the fruit stall while i did my marketing and when i came back for her, she was happily pointing to the strawberries and said i should get it for her too… she's really behaving like a little girl! lol!

and oh, added to that, my old dog has also developed a taste for them too… old females can be quite high maintenance hor?!

hahaha…

about the ex...

just a quick random post. there are some behaviors towards exes that i think is quite common amongst many. and this include…

• cyber-stalking (be it twitter, facebook, or whatever) of the ex for a certain duration to see how he is getting along. and this stalking can continue for quite a long while…

• for reasons unknown there tend to be this silent distant that we tend to keep. it's like a certain invisible space that we refuse to breach. and this translates to not adding him in facebook, not adding him in any of the social media platform that you use…

• once a while, checking out the whether he is online or not (e.g. in facebook, in whatsapp, etc) and wondering what he is doing, and doing with who…

well… the list goes on. do i do all these? do i think of james? well, yes i do admittedly. do i still do all these after almost 9 years of breaking up? not all, some. but the frequency is really low. do i think of him? yes, but more of a curious-how-is-he-doing angle. i will be lying if i say i don't. after all, we were together for close to 7 years. 

and of cos, some people may ask - do you ever consider getting back to him? answer is no. the him now is probably a different person from the him when we broke up. an ex is an ex is an ex. what's past is passed. he now exist in a corner of the heart. nice and warm corner. and that is about it. and in many ways, he is like a distant relative to me now. nothing more. 

(i am sure some people will ask - why are you writing this now? are you being fair to bee?… well, bee and i have been together almost 9 years. we talk about such things openly. and we are very comfortable about it. there is no point hiding such things. right?)

and as i mentioned at the start of this post, it is a quick random post.

just thought i'd capture it in my blog. 

contentment

i went to the market this morning with mum and the maid and saw this cat sleeping soundly in a cardboard box. it was totally oblivious to the hustle and bustle of the market and the many people that walked pass it.

my first reflex was to snap a shot of it. mum and the maid were totally tickled by it and exclaimed how cute it looked as they giggled away like two little girls. the first thought that came to my mind was how peaceful it looked. and looking at the humble box that it had curled up in, it really brought home the message that happiness and contentment was really about appreciating and being at peace with the simplest things in life!

great lesson from a cat.

:-)

toto

was "volunteered" by my department to purchase tickets for the local toto draw. there's a s$10 million prize money to be won and everyone said people born of the horse year tend to have better luck… so, yours truly here got "volunteered" as a result. and becos i have never bought any toto ticket before, i have the beginners' luck too, so they claimed.

and each person in the department contributed s$5 to the pool. and one of my colleague went to the extend of writing down exactly how to buy. s$48 of system 7 bet and s$12 of normal bets. of cos, yours truly here, who have never bought toto tickets before walked into the shop feeling totally lost and simply handed over the paper (with instructions from my colleagues) to the cashier and told her to do what she needed to do according to the instructions. she stared at it, punch some numbers and handed me a total 8 tickets. heh...

and the draw happened last night. and...

we did not win any prize. 

so much for the beginners'  horse luck.

:-)

uncle

at the hospital today, the 20-plus year old nurse was so so so respectful. when she spoke to me, she started every sentence with "uncle"… 

and so, it was "uncle, how are you feeling today?" "uncle, how long was it since you had your chest pain?" "uncle, was it a dull pain or was it a sharp stabbing pain?" "uncle…" you got the gist of it.

donno if i should be happy or sad! 

lol!

whew! false alarm

my chest felt tight and occasionally painful over the last few days. today, it was so painful i couldn't really breath. i decided to pay a visit to the hospital accident & emergency department and was actually quite pleased with their sense of urgency. 

once i arrived, i was quickly tagged and send to the room to have an ecg done. and then i was send to the triage and before i knew it, i was called in to the doctor's room. after asking some questions, he concluded that it was likely due to strained muscle and not a heart attack per se. nonetheless, he ordered the usual blood test, x-ray and i was given some muscle relaxant.

the whole procedure lasted less than 2 hours before i was allowed to leave. been referred to a respiratory specialist to ascertain if there are any issues with my lungs.

:-)

dress sense

yesterday, i was heading for my breakfast when a nerdy guy walked passed. he was in executive wear. long sleeve white shirt, black belt, black pants, and............

yellow shoes!

arghhhhhhh! fashion gone totally wrong! made him look like a half-done joker character in some low cost batman movie!

here's some very basic dress tip: the colors of the shoes and belt must be co-ordinated (i.e., the same color)! as for executive wear, it would be good to be a little conservative and wear black leather shoes. yellow shoes are more suitable for dress down days with better matching outfits and/ or weekend casual wears.

chingay parade

singapore's annual chingay parade. an event that was started in 1973 to "compensate" the chinese community after fire crackers were banned. today, it has evolved to a multicultural international event reminiscent of the mardi gras but with a superbly huge dose of nationalistic messaging, racial harmony, one singapore and so on. 

i personally thought it would be more appropriate to hold it during the months of aug/ sep as part of the national day celebrations. in addition, it's probably fun to participate and watch from afar. but really, it's quite painful to watch up close. for me, at least. frankly, i still miss the simplicity and chineseness of the chingay processions of years ago. 

nonetheless, kudos to the organizers and performers for the efforts.

white fungus

i have enjoyed white fungus (tremella fuciformis) dessert for the longest time. one of my earliest memory of this fungus was during my officer cadet days in oct 1985 when we went to taiwan for our training. we had field exercises and i brought along a couple of cans of sweetened white fungus. it was one helluva refreshing and worked wonders after our non-stop trench-digging. and today, i decided to cook the white fungus dessert. it is supposed to help soothe a person's throat and clear the phlegm. and since mum and i had been coughing like crazy, i really hope this dessert helps. the picture of the water soaked white fungus is really pretty right?

:-)

dessert recipe

white fungus - one "flower"

water - 500ml - 1liter (depending on how much soup you like)

rock sugar (white) - to taste

panda leaves - 4-5 stalk (tear the pandan in the center and knot it up)

red dates (optional)

gingko nuts (optional)
dried longan (optional)
sprinkling of wolfberry (optional)

method

soak the white fungus for about 15min. once it soften, remove the hard central stem and cut to bite size. place the white fungus, dried longan, gingko nuts, lotus seeds, red dates and the knotted pandan leaves into a pot. add water and boil. once boiled, simmer for about 10-15min. remove the pandan leaves, add the rock sugar to taste. add wolfberries last as it cooks very fast. the wolfberries add a dash of color as well as contributes to the sweetness of the soup. cool the dessert, place it in the fridge and serve chilled.

enjoy!

(i don't know about you, but for me personally, plain white fungus with rock sugar is good by itself, no need all the rest! haha!)

never ending cough

i have noticed this in mum. she has this problem with coughing non-stop. it's been so for the last few months. and every time she was discharged from the hospital, there would always be some residual cough still present. and this cough would get worst, and then the phlegm would build up and in no time, she would be hospitalized again.

despite all the doctor's explanation that her hospitalization was due to water retention, asthma, pneumonia, bronchitis, etc etc etc… there was always one thing consistent - cough. and as always, i have tried to explain this to the doctors and every time, they would simply say, ok, we'll give her some cough mixture and she should be ok. darned! she is not ok!

as it is now, she is coughing like crazy again. her cough has gotten worst since her discharge 4 days ago. and thankfully, i have a couple of bottles of cough mixture that helped somewhat. but come evening, or mornings, or when there is a change in temperature, she would cough like no tomorrow! haiz… and talking about coughing, i have the same problem as mum… my cough has been with me since a couple of months back. and i am not really sure if there has been a case of non-stop cross transmission of the cough bug!

let's hope the change in the weather helps.

crooning aunties

was at the bedok market this morning and noted that a large set of speakers had been set up. and there were banners and flags put up too. apparently, the peoples' association (pa) had set up a karaoke session for residents.  the event must have been organized by the bedok grassroots for there were lots of aunties in red cheongsams walking around.

and before we knew it, these aunties starting singing. and soon enough, other aunties started to join in. it was interesting to watch and listen to these market-going aunties taking a break and crooning love songs, songs that i have never heard before and acting all emo nemo. on one hand, i could appreciate, encourage and enjoy seeing aunties (somehow the uncles stayed away) coming up front to perform publicly. yet on the other hand, it was quite painful (frankly speaking) for my breakfast was badly interrupted by out-of-tune screaming aunties and the equally elderly kj who seemed to be in a constant rush and cutting off the songs once the lyrics end… heh!

but that's singapore for all of us.

love it or hate it, it's home.

ps: and mum asked me after aunties belted quite a few songs: "what are they selling? business seemed very bad. nobody has bought anything from them!" hahaha!

outed by a friend

i have quite a few friends in my current fb friend list, both straight and gay friends. i used the word "current" fb account cos i had an earlier original account that was created it to "officially" connect with people. i had lots of friends and colleagues in that account and to allow me to better manage access to my postings, i created different groupings of friends, each with different levels of access to my postings and comments. i decided to go through that hassle cos i didn't want people in the forces to know much about my personal life.

i had since deleted that account. i decided to do so cos i had gotten too hooked on to fb. and added to that, i was overwhelmed by negativities that flooded many of my friend's posts. it was really depressing, not just from the content shared, but the realization that people you knew were capable of such thoughts! all the bitching, all the complains, etc especially during the days of the last general elections. at about the same time i created that "official account", i had also created a second "unofficial" account. the "unofficial" account was a shell and used primarily to "audit" the postings of the "official" account. and since deleting the "official" account, i have starting using the "unofficial" account and have rebuilt my friend list. i am now very selective about accepting friends for this account. this list now comprised friends who are generally closer to me. and i have kept this account simple and light. status updates and postings were short and sharp and all postings were deleted every few days. not many know, but this account served as a transit point for my thoughts and i would delete my postings once they are transferred over this blog.

anyway, i am making this posts to relate an incident that happened last week. a friend of mine outed me inadvertently by making a comment in one of my status updates (now my blog post on "sir, very pretty"). this friend, who is openly out to all his friends, posted a comment that went something along the line that perhaps my maid's gaydar was very strong. frankly, i wasn't uncomfortable with it. just kinda surprised that a comment like this could appear from a friend. for a short moment, i thought he was a little insensitive about such issues and dropped him a message. hey, did you not realized you outed me to my friends, i said. thought my mail caught him a little by surprise… oh, i am sorry, you can delete it… he said. i didn't bother for it was too late. fb had, by default, already looped everyone who had "liked" or had commented on my status updates with his comment. nonetheless, he apologized again and deleted his comment.

as i said, i was not offended by it. i am very comfortable with my own sexuality and wouldn't be too bothered about people knowing about me being gay. nonetheless, i cannot assume everyone in my friend list would be comfortable about having a gay friend. and from that perspective, i tend to be a little careful about telling people about my sexuality. for that matter, i do not see a need to declare my sexuality, just like how a straight person is not expected to go around telling people he/ she is straight. with regards the comment, one never know how comfortable the other person might be about his personal details when discussed in the cyberspace/ public domain. and from that angle, i do strongly believe everyone of us should be careful with our words and always err on the safe side when making comments about friends.

it is about self-awareness and respecting others.

no?

thanksgiving

we celebrated the birthday of the celestial god last night. the prayers ended at 1-plus in the morning and frankly, i am feeling a little sleepy now! haha… accordingly, the prayers to celebrate the event was done before midnight and we have to wait until midnight before we can burn the joss papers. this celebration is something that is done widely by hokkiens around the world and in my family, it was one of the major highlights every lunar new year. we did the prayers at my brother's place these days cos he has taken over the household altar. and to mum, this event is a must-have and she would make all efforts to ensure it is done.

there are many stories about the origins of this ritual and most revolved around how the hokkiens were persecuted by bandits and went into hiding in sugar cane plantations. the bandits couldn't find them and they eventually emerged from the sugar cane plantations unharmed. the day of the emergence coincided with the birthday of the celestial god and thus, to show their appreciations, offerings were made to the celestial god on that day since. lots of history, symbolism and culture behind this event. for example, sugar canes are a must and a pair of sugar cane is placed at the sides of the altar. the words for sugarcane in hokkien (kum jia) sounds like "thank you" (kum sia). and of cos all the items used for the prayers have their own meanings as well. shan't go into details, but suffice to say, this event is a special one particularly for hokkiens. and it is probably the only one the binds all hokkiens around the world as a clan.

:-)

power of the finger

frankly, one will never appreciate the things/ pleasures one's finger can deliver until he hurts it. and i am saying this as i hurt my right index finger yesterday. i was shredding the turnip to prepare for the lou hei (tossing of the raw fish salad or yú shēng) and i ended up scrapping a piece of skin/ meat off my finger tip. there was blood all over. it was terrible and messy. i only managed to arrest the bleeding after plastering it and applying pressure over the wound for some time.

and this morning, the finger felt terribly painful and i couldn't use it… sighs. and it was really one of the few moments when i felt a little handicapped. i couldn't scratch myself properly, type my keyboard, or for that matter, i couldn't even pick my nose! and certainly, when i shower, i couldn't use my hand to soap myself! really difficult!

and yes, since i am at the topic of the power of the finger, i actually posted the opening line of this blog in my facebook and soon after, a friend commented and said "mmm... so suggestive!" now what could he be thinking of? haha!

and oh, as i was checking the net for possible pictures to post in this blog, i came across this (see above). and if what was suggested in the picture is true, then i must be a perfectly super macho gay man! my ring finger is way longer than my index finger! haha… 

:-)

propositioned

i was at the pool this morning and apart from the naked uncle masturbating in public, i also got propositioned by someone! but before i talked about it, let me share some other small sightings too...

you see, i left the pool after tanning for some time and went to the changing room. it was a quiet morning and other than a tall chap, there wasn't many people when i entered the changing room. he had just arrived and was about to change into his trunks when i walked in. he must have been a little shy for he quickly took his trunks and went to the cubicle to change. i proceeded to hang my clothes and took out my toiletries. as i was about to head to my shower, the guy reemerged. he had changed into his trunks and… hmmm… against his swimming trunks, i could see he had a hard on! heh… i proceeded to take my shower as he quickly left the changing room for his swim. must be a newbie to get aroused so easily, i thought.

as i walked out of the shower room, i noted there were two ang mos (local lingo for caucasian) in the changing room. they looked mid/late-40s or perhaps even in their early-50s. then again, i donno. i can never tell for the thing about ang mos are that they tend to look older than they really are. anyway, the older one went to have his shower while the younger and slimmer one seemed to have completed his shower as he was drying himself. 

the ang mo who was drying himself, and who spoke french to his counterpart, was superbly well-endowed.  i knew it becos i had admittedly stolen a glance or two of him. heh! he then walked to the mirror and through the reflection, stared at me as he continued drying himself. and then he started fondling himself. and as he did so, it grew and wohhhh, his asset was really huge! must have been almost 8-9" and thick as a can of coke! there was no one else in the changing room at that time and he continued to work on his hard on… and next thing i knew, he walked towards me.

oh dear, that got me a little uneasy and i was not about to respond to him. i quickly changed up, packed my stuff and left. and as i walked out, he smiled at me. cheekily. invitingly. heh...

it was an interesting day at the pool!

superficiality

there was an article in a local news tabloid and i felt it was a tat too shallow for me… citing some studies, the article said good cyclists tend to be better-looking than people who participate in other sports. hmmm, statistics regardless, my experience tells me the statement is not true! to me, such studies, regardless of how scientific the authors claimed, are disputable for there are always areas that are subjective including sample size, where the sampling is done, definition of good-looking, and so on.

and i can dispute that claim cos for a start i know many not-too-good looking cyclist! (or maybe they are just not "good" enough?) heh… also, if i may just shallowly add - i do know good-looking weightlifters, extreme sports enthusiasts, swimmers, gymnasts, divers, la la la... and they are definitely much hotter than the cyclists i know! 

lol!

ps: i posted this in my facebook and jason (of old new journey) commented. i absolutely love his comment. he simply said "you are absolutely fugly" yet sounded so smooth about it! this was his comment: "not true!!! one can have good endurance yet is with a face that only a mother can love!!! hahaha"

naked uncle

i went to the pool today after my chiro treatment. had taken a day's leave and had decided to spend my time relaxing by the pool. it was a nice cool and sunshiny morning, perfect for a tan. i arrived there at about half-past nine and headed straight to the changing room to change up.

there was this familiar guy tanning at the corner of the pool reading the newspaper. this guy has been a regular at the pool and had been visiting the pool for the last many many years. the thing about this guy, who looked in his 50s, was that he like to expose himself and often wears a g-string. and everyone who tans at the pool knew that this uncle likes to use a small towel to cover his privates as he tans.

i proceeded to my usual tanning spot and made myself comfortable before taking out my newspaper to catch up on the days' news. and then, uncle took off his trunks and started tanning in the nude! he continued to do so even as a few filipino maids stood nearby and chatted away. i was amazed by his nonchalant attitude to these people. on one hand, i was amazed by his dare, yet on the other hand, i was kinda pissed off by him. if someone were to make a complain about him, i am sure it would reinforce the general public's already skewed views about gays.

for a short moment, i wondered if his public display of his nudity was directed at me instead. whatever the case, i didn't bother and continued to read my papers. and moments later, uncle started masturbating! aiyoh… anyway, uncle continued with his display of nudity for a while more. he left an hour later…

seeking friends

out of nowhere, i got a message from a fellow forum member. he asked if i would be keen to befriend him and whether i would be ok to go running with him around my area.

it was kinda interesting to get such messages from unknown people. of cos, the natural response for me was to quickly check out this profile and see his postings. i had hoped to know him better and see if i can get to know his stats, age, profile etc. i supposed that is the superficial-side of me.

the next thing i knew, i asked - why me? heh heh… that, i admit, was the insecure-side of me. a list of questions ran through my mind as i checked out his postings. why me? what did he see in me? does he know i am 48+ years old? what if he backs off once i knows my age? he seemed like a good runner, what if i cannot match up to him during our runs? haha… i think too much. much too much for my own good sometimes.

and i reminded myself not to be so self-conscious. just reply and see what comes out of it. it's always good to make new friends. even then, i must say, i still feel a little nervous about knowing new people.

:-)

lou hei!!!

my chief bought us a department lunar new year lunch wednesday, the seventh day of the lunar new year. this day was commemorated as the "human day" and celebrated as every human being's birthday. 

in singapore (and malaysia), a routine thing for everyone to do was to toss the yú shēng (鱼生 or raw fish salad). the character 鱼 (yú) itself sounds like 余 or "excess" and 生 (shēng) sounds like 升 or (increase/ promote). put together it means "grow in excesses" aka prosperity and wealth. haha… chinese people, so full of crap! but hey, that defines our chineseness! no?

haha… ok, back to our department lunch. it was a 10-course lunch and given that there were 12 of us, my boss decided to order 4 more dishes. and we literally ate and ate and ate till we were all so stuffed! so much for the excesses right?! for that matter, we were already quite full after the first tossing of the yú shēng! and at the rate we were going, we would all be growing excesses at places that we want slim! 

we had had a superbly good lunch!

mum discharged

after 2 days of "false alarms", mum was finally discharged. this marked the end of her seventh hospital stay in 6 months (since aug 13). 

:-)

pretty me

i wore a new shirt to work this morning and my maid, whose england was quite powderful, commented: "today, sir very pretty"...

doh!

about lo kun & meesee

well since i talked about the "lo kun" in my previous post, i think i should say something about nurses too. after all, they medical and the nursing profession coexists and never can be separated.

"meesee" is the hokkien version of "miss" cos in the old day, the ah pek (old chinese men who were largely migrant laborers) didn't know how to pronounce "miss" when they addressed nurses. thus, what came out was "meesee". of cos these days we no longer address nurses as "miss" but the term "meesee" stayed on. and interestingly, given that nurses were primarily female in the old days, there was no male equivalent term for nurses. but today, this term "meesee" has become a noun, and is applicable to both male and female nurses. as for doctors, the term "lo kun" is the ah pek version of "locum" cos ah pek didn't know how to pronounce the word "locum".  this word refers to stand in doctors as patients were attended by locum in lieu of the main consultants. similarly, this word no longer refers to "locum" but all doctors. 

lastly, the singapore general hospital is known as "sipaipor" as the ah pek could pronounce the name of the place where the general hospital was located - sepoy lines. and of cos, it was called sepoy lines because the area used to be the sepoy garrison, a camp for indian/ sepoy troops.

lo kun

during her stay in the hospital, the doctors would do their rounds and visit mum every morning. and yesterday, i had the chance to talk to the team of doctors that attended to her. it was kinda interesting to try to differentiate and to explain the different categories of doctors to mum. to her all these years, there were young doctors and old doctors; as there were doctors with white tags and doctors with black name tags… 

and in recent years, due to specialization and better knowledge of the various levels of doctors, it has gotten increasingly difficult to use hokkien (my dialect group) terms to explain to her what these levels are. so now, to differentiate between the different seniority of doctors, we use the following descriptions:

• houseman - "hak seng lo kun" (literally in hokkien, it means "student doctor")
• medical officers - "ghing na lo jun" (children doctor - but not a pediatrician. the word "children" is used to describe a doctor who is still young in the profession)
• consultant - "tua lo kun" (big doctors - doctors who are high-ranking)

:-)

staying on in the ward...

two days ago, one of the medical officer came to examine her. and he told her that if all are ok, she could be discharged the next day (i.e. yesterday). and with this input, she was so excited and started telling my sis about the news. when she related the news to me, i wasn't too excited about it. i wanted an official call from either the doctor or the nurse-in-charge, otherwise, i would simply take it as doctor-patient chat, and that mum could possibly have misunderstood the doctor. i queried on which doctor and she told me he was an south-asian doctor and a very young one. i told her that she should not take the input as a fact until there is further confirmation by means of a call or an written discharge summary.

sometime later, the consultant arrived. he was accompanied by the team of doctors (including the south-asian doctor) that spoke with her earlier in the morning. after examining her, he told me that she was still not well and needed to stay for another few days. he added that the suitability for discharge would have to depend on whether she could breathe normally without the oxygen supply, and that it would be assessed on a daily basis. and for now, it seemed like she still cannot be weaned off the oxygen supply.

mum looked a little disappointed but accepted the input. she had no choice.

sad for the maid

lying in the next bed beside mum, there is this old lady and her maid. the maid is from the philippines. but interestingly, she has learned to speak bits of malay and uses the language to converse with the old lady. the old lady has dementia and was warded yesterday.

and since their arrival, i have seen the maid fussing over the old lady. and the old lady was certainly a very difficult person. her behavior reminded me a little of mum somehow. how she insisted on the maid eating half of everything the maid gave her, and how difficult she was when it came to taking her medication. and it was quite pitiful to see the maid tend to the old lady. i could sense her exasperation. and once a while, the maid would lament how she needed so much of a stamina to manage the old lady.

this morning, when i visited mum at the hospital, i had the chance to speak to the maid. and from her, i came to understand that she had been looking after the old lady for the last 5 years. she also shared how all her children have given up on her becos of her dementia and have not bothered about her. this probably explained why no one visited her since her arrival and that the only person with the old lady was the maid. the maid spoke with me as she fed the old lady, chatted with her, cajoled her, comforted her and stayed by her side. and all the while, the old lady behaved like a spoilt kid and the maid had to fuss over the need to eat, to drink and to take her medicine. i felt a little sorry for the maid frankly. but well, i supposed she has gotten used to the old lady.

when i arrived at the ward this evening, it was really crowded. there were close to 15 people crowding around the old lady's bed. it was unusual for the hospital would only allow more than 4 visitors only for serious cases. i walked closer and was surprised to see the old lady being put on oxygen mask and she was in a semi-conscious state. from the few conversation, i learned that the visitors included the old lady's husband, her siblings, children and grandchildren. all of them were standing in layers around the bed and the whole atmosphere was very solemn. i looked around and saw the maid. she was standing at the outermost layer and she was quietly watching.

i asked my maid what happened and was told the old lady will likely pass away tonight or latest tomorrow. that very moment, i felt sad for the maid. she's the closest to the lady in terms of managing her and looking after her every needs, 24/7. yet at the time of her passing, she's furthest away. i could almost experience how she felt.

that's the life of a maid, i supposed.

i respect her for the patience with the old lady. and i am sad to see her standing outside the family circle. but that is the life of a maid.

let's hope the lady go easily and not drag, if her time is indeed up.

oops! she did it again

it happened a couple of times 2-3 years back, took a break last year and this year, it happened again. this time round, it was the nian gao (年糕)! yes! i am referring to my dog, sapphie, eating the new year stuffs i placed on the table. and learning from previous experiences (2012, 2011), i had not placed the bak kwa (preserved sweetened barbecue meat) on the table. but this year...

i came back from breakfast and found the nian gao (whatever was left on it) lying on the floor. and the banana leaves that was used to wrap it strewed all over the floor. and needless to say, a guilty-looking sapphie looking at me. it was the same scene as last year when she walloped a whole lot of rice dumpling!

anyway, buying the  nian gao for lunar new year was something we used to do in my old place. and we would offer it to the tua pek kong (大伯公) and place it on the altar annually when we sent him off to the heavens. but since i do not install such altar in my current place, i have adapted the practice by putting a nian gao on my table in the living room every lunar new year. after all, i do subscribe to the symbolic nature of the  nian gao as it represents 步步高升 (or constant  promotions/ progress/ improvements).

darn! if i am a superstitious person, it looks like this year will see no improvements or progress for me! haha! but one thing's for sure. she'll be having a bad tummy soon.

my crazy dog gives me new surprises every year.

haiz...

金雞sss

went to watch 金雞sss (golden chicken sss) earlier with bee.

it's a comedy released in time for the 2014 lunar new year celebrations and a loose sequel from another show (金雞) that was screened some 10 yrs or more back. had watched the first show with (my ex) james at that time and thought it was very funny. this time round, the show didn't impress me as much, especially the story and the pace of the movie. while it was promoted as a comedy, there were too many serious bits inserted throughout the show, especially after the middle. and the pace somehow turn a little too draggy for me when that happened. and it didn't help that the version we watched was a mandarin-dubbed over version. the show ended up having bits in cantonese and bits in mandarin. and such dubbing usually rob the show off some additional jokes that could only be brought across in the cantonese language.

but of cos, i was rather impressed with the cast, considering the fact that almost every big names and the who's who in the hong kong scene appearing (although everyone had aged significantly). and if you intend to watch it, continue to watch the running credits for there was a surprise appearance by another big name.

:-)

in again

mum felt unwell again today. nonetheless, she insisted on going to the columbarium to pay respects to dad and grandparents. we did that first thing in the morning. second sis came along and surprisingly, the columbarium was quite crowded. we came home at about 11plus in the morning and once we arrived at the condo car park, she vomited again. brought her home and wash up and send her in to the hospital straightaway.

this was the second time in two days that she vomited. when she vomited yesterday, i wanted to bring her in but she insisted she was ok. i knew she didn't like to visit the hospital for she knows that she would be warded. also, if i understood her well enough, she wanted to do the reunion dinner and cross the lunar new year at home, and to do prayers to dad and grandparents today. when she vomited again (after all the prayers) today, i suggested heading to the hospital and she agreed. she's in the critical care ward as i am blogging this entry and i have been told she needs to be admitted. 

thinking about it, it reminded me of dad's 100th day prayers. at that time, she insisted on doing the prayers for him and had moved back to stay with my brother, where an altar had been set-up for dad. she was so insistent on doing the prayers but on the 99th day, her body gave way and she had to be admitted. this time round, my brother had told her he would be offering prayers to my dad for the new year, but he refused to do the same for my grandparents as he had been harbouring lots tensions towards my uncle and aunties. and so she kept pestering me to do the prayers instead.

sighs.

internet chicken

i think i am getting old. 

earlier, after my reunion dinner, i brought mum to changi airport for a walk. and i saw a sign at t1 that reads "internet chicken"… this sign totally confused me. i couldn't make head or tail out of it for that moments.

some few seconds later, as i walked closer to the sign, i realized it was "internet check-in"…

lol!

lny vs cny

i have stopped using the phrase "chinese new year" since a few years ago. instead, i prefer to use "lunar new year". i thought "lunar new year" is a more accurate description of the festival and appropriate for us in singapore. significantly, it does not carry a race-angle to it. well, it is true that this festival has its roots in chinese people. but to simply call it "chinese new year" kinda make it sound so superbly superficial.

firstly, the chinese diaspora is such a complex community of people. and frankly, many descendants of chinese people from mainland chinese that migrated out of china had cross-married people of other races and no longer look nor speak chinese although they still observe this festival today. so the use the term "chinese" can be a misnomer. 

as for the term lunar new year, i thought is suits us in south east asia well. we do not have 4 seasons. and so, to refer to it as "spring festival" like how the mainland chinese do today seemed a little weird. so, what better way to refer to it than "lunar new year". it is, after all, a festival that is celebrated on the first day of the first lunar month of the year right? lol!

so… yeah, happy lunar new year to one and all.

mum's discharged

mum was discharged from hospital 2 days ago. it was her sixth hospitalization in as many months. so much so that the hospital staff all knew her. 

well… i am not sure if it is the lunar new year, but mum has been rather unwell today. i think she could be anxious about the new year despite her denying it. and she kept asking me questions like when is reunion dinner, whether i will be working today or not, whether she would be required to head to the rehab center, whether i will be cooking, what would i be cooking etc etc etc. and today, she said she wanted to pay respects to my dad and my grandparents tomorrow and asked me to purchase some joss papers. had to go around to hunt for it cos most shops had closed by then. 

anyway, this morning while i was at work, she vomited. and when i returned with lunch, she couldn't really eat and i had to cook her white porridge. she rested for the whole of today as i went about cooking and doing all the dinner preparations. she made the effort to eat the reunion dinner despite claiming she was unwell. to her, this evening's dinner was significant. it was reunion dinner after all.

and yes, talking about reunion dinner, i think she was a little disappointed about not being able to join my brother for the dinner this evening. what happened was that 2 days ago, my sis-in-law asked me if i wanted to join them for reunion dinner and i told her i would consult my mum first. but immediately after she hung up, my brother called my mum telling her that we should not cos he is still sick. mum had been talking about it non-stop since. 

well… she retired early this evening.

let's hope she's ok tomorrow.

preparation for lny

this year's preparations for the lunar new year was almost non-existent for me.

and this is becos i now have a domestic help and she had been busy washing my curtains, bed sheets, mopping the floor, digging every nooks and crevices for dust etc etc etc. and she did all these without me prompting her!

and so, my focus this year was in getting the cookies, a little decor here and there and cooking some traditional dishes for the reunion dinner…

easy peesy.

:-)

wedding dinners

i never like to attend wedding dinners these days. and i say so becos in recent years, all the wedding dinners seemed so childish. all the games, the toasts… even the bride and the groom seemed child-like. or perhaps i have outgrown them.

but last weekend was different. i attended a wedding of two friends. it was interesting cos when i arrived, the reception ladies asked me are you with the guy or the lady's side? i was like errrr, both? anyway, both of them worked with me when i did a tour in the headquarters in 2001. at that time, they were young. in their early-20s, for that matter. and interestingly one reported to the other. we went through all sorts of challenges and we worked pretty well as a team. and after i left, we kept in contact. and through the years, while they dated, they kept their relationship secret. but to me, i kinda suspected all along that they were going together… i could probably guess why they felt awkward. the guy was a non-commissioned officer, while the lady was a senior officer. but to me, it didn't matter. i thought they were very happy being in each others company. and it was only a couple of years back when they started posting their holiday pictures together that they finally came out to everyone about their relationship (or perhaps to me! haha...)

and i have time and again hinted (and later asked) when they would be getting married. and it was only last year that the guy finally broke the news to me. i happily accepted his invite. and when i attended the wedding, i was near tearing. seeing them walked into the ballroom and onto the stage, i felt a lump in my throat. for that moment, i understood how parents feel when they see their children get married. while our age gap wasn't that great, i felt almost like a parent cos i have watch them grow over the last 12-13 years. and in that sense, i felt like a parent. lol! and i didn't think their wedding was childish at all. in fact, seeing two persons in their 30s getting married, the whole affair seemed so dignified, mature and celebratory. there were certainly no rowdy games, no noisy bridesmaid and best men. i hadn't enjoyed a wedding dinner so much for a very long time.

i wish them well, from the bottom of my heart.

:-)