fair or not fair?

of late, i have seen quite a few articles in yahoo news as well as mainstream media asking if this or that is fair. and today, there was a letter in the forum asking if this and that is unfair... halo! get a life! let's face it! nothing in life is fair. you can either bitch and complain about it or simply just move on! and for the media people out there, let's be more professional and write something more credible!

really tiring and such a waste of energy to see such kiasuism!

macdonalds

a couple of months ago, i posted something about bad journalism. and i was directly referring to yahoo's fit-to-post articles. yup, i know, it is such an such ironic name! anyway, i hardly read their articles these days. and today, i get them writing about how a macdonalds burger looked the same after 6months. why was there no mould? why did it look the same? etc and to a certain extent i thought i felt like the article was trying to hint at the use of preservatives. "macdonald's use so much preservatives, the food stayed fresh after 6-months. would you really want to eat such things?" - this line screamed in my head. well, no, the article did not said it. i just felt it did. it was irresponsible reporting. no research. no mention of what kind of environment the burger was left under. whether there was ventilation, whether it was controlled temperature etc. so, to a person who has some exposure to scientific research, the article carried totally no credibility. it was obvious they were trying to make news out of no news.

yup, i know there are big no-nos against fast foods and there are many people out there who do not advocate eating fast foods. i came back to the article again later in the day and by then, there was a lot of comments. and i was right, there were people who chided the baseless article. i thought about it again, if a burger stays mouldless after 6months, wouldn't it in fact be a good thing? doesn't this mean that macdonalds had in fact observe such strict food hygiene standards that there was not a single fungal spore on their burgers? and looking at it from this perspective, i could only congratulate macdonalds!

:-)

my uni breaks

as i said, i was a regular on course in uni from 1987 - 91. my contract was such that i had to return to service during my holidays. and so, every year, i would don my uniform when my peers were out having fun. in a way, i enjoyed heading back to camp during my holidays. after all, it was back to a familiar culture although the surroundings were a little different.

you see, i was an infantry officer who was earmarked for an intelligence reservist appointment until i signed on. so, when i became a regular, the army wanted to convert me to another arm. during my first year holiday, i was sent to jurong camp 2. home of the combat engineers. it was a short 2plus months and i was attached to the commander's wing where they trained cbt engineer ncos and officer cadets. specifically, i was attached to the nco wing. during that period, i literally went through the cbt engr nco course. and i even went through the summary exercise with them (and the cadet wing) overseas. on one hand, it was an eye opener to see how they lay minefields, how the specialize in explosives, how they built bridges, etc, but on the other hand, i also got to see the ugly side of the people. by the time i ended my attachment, i wrote in to the authority asking not to be converted.

for my second year, if i recalled correctly, i was sent to an infantry battalion. i became the project officer and undertook tasks to formalize their logistics sops for stand-by. it was a rather boring attachment i must say. and then i was attached to the cbt intelligence department. there was an impending exercise and i was tasked to assist in the planning of the intelligence ops. it was interesting cos for the first time, i got to see how planning at a high level was done.

in my final year holiday period, i was attached to the intelligence school. again, there was an impending major exercise overseas and i was tasked to assist in the planning and flight administration of the troops involved. there was a total of about 4 officers (all on uni breaks) placed under the charge of the tco. indirectly we also reported to the chief instructor (ci). the ci was a rather bastard guy who somehow didn't like officers on holidays. to him, we were always the chao keng (skive) type and at every opportunity, he would find fault with us. i felt really lousy for despite all the hardwork, i would somehow get dragged in and get scolded for something he assumed we did wrong. my patience wore off totally when one day, he fell us in, marched us to his office and gave us a good scolding becos the tco couldn't find us when he asked for us. he naturally assumed we were playing punk and were skiving. at that time, it was about a week before the flight departure and there was a lot of pre-flight admin to be done. and incidentally, i had also been told by nus that i had been confirmed for the honours year and that i should head back to nus immediately to start my project work. so, after the scolding, i decided to get back at the ci. i decided not to tell him about my impending disruption and i purposely left the pre-flight admin undone. 2 days before the departure, i gave him my letter and left. yup, i was really mean. erm... yup, i was immature and irresponsible. but well, that was my way of getting back at someone who didn't give a damn to my existence.

:-)

rebirth

rebirth / reincarnation is a concept that can also refer to the transformation of one's thoughts such that through a process, one emerged with a totally new understanding and perspective of things and choose to live his/ her life differently.

agree?

buah long long

now, how many of you actually remember or ever had good memories about this kampong fruit? it is called buah long long to the chinese. but to the malays, it is called buah kedondong. used to eat it when i was a kid in the kampong. that was years ago. in recent years, one can hardly find it in singapore. i found one hawker stall at the beach road market that sells the drink but it stopped selling it not too long ago! and the only place i can find this fruit now is at isetan scotts basement. and hmmm, it is so expensive. one small tub sells for 5bucks! arghhh!

today, i was talking to one of my old staff and he was showing me some of the fruits he had planted over the years at our workplace garden. and we spoke about buah long long. and next thing i knew, he showed me the plant. and it had bore quite a lot of fruits. he harvested them and gave them to me. heh heh... at home, i pickled them in syrup and passed some to my sis. she had not tasted it since kampong days too. and when she bit into it, i could see her being momentarily transported back in time!

ha ha... such are the effects of senses on us. it reminds us of things that we can relate too...

:-)

my tertiary education

i enrolled myself in science faculty of the national university of singapore (nus) in jul 1987.

for my first year, i signed up for 2 of my favourite subjects – biology (comprising biology 'a' and biology 'b') and chemistry. little did i know that what i signed up for was known as the killer combination cos all 3 subjects had laboratory hours. it was interesting for me cos for the first time in my life, i actually experienced a 6-hour laboratory session. anyway, all in all, on a heavy week (during weeks where i had a 2-hr evening compulsory module on intro to computer [ic101] on monday evenings), i had a 41-hour week and on a light week, 39 hours. my friends in other faculties, particularly those in arts, could never imagine how a person could possibly survive such a punishing schedule. to them anything close to a 2-digit hour would be considered heavy for that week. heh heh... but because i enjoyed these subjects, i actually found myself looking forward to lessons.

frankly, after 2-plus years in ns, i found the beginning a little difficult for me. i had forgotten quite a bit of my studies. and so, you could imagine that "oh-this-term-is-so-familiar" feeling kept coming to me as i attended my classes - mitochondria, ribosomes, cytoplasm, la la la... but well, i caught up within a month or two and after that, it was rather easy going. and soon enough, i found myself immersed in the nus lifestyle. here're some of the snapshots of my nus life:

- in my first year, i stayed in sheares hall. i had heard so much about the hall ragging that when i signed up, i gave them all sorts of cock and bull stories (i think i told them i need to look after my sickly grandmother - which for the record, had died a dozen years earlier). but well, i got myself excused alright. my not attending the hostel orientation camp resulted in many of the seniors not knowing me and soon enough, many started to ostracize me. frankly, i didn't bother. i had my own clique of friends in the hostel in the end. the "kuai kuai" nerdy group... :-P

- i lived in block "c". and that was known as the "creative block". apparently many creative people lived in the block and they include people who are rather high profile today - you will probably know them as so-and-so who are the creative director of some recent international event staged in singapore, so-and-so who was known to enjoy performing in drag (nonya kebaya somemore!), so-and-so who choreographed so-and-so national events, etc. and boy, creative block with creative people can be very creatively scandalous too! there are always sightings of so-and-so coming out of so-and-so room in the middle of the night, with ruffled hair, sleeping over with so-and-so la la la... and becos everyone was so creative, everyone was also very open about it. so... haiz. and of cos, for me, i had my fair share of scandals too. read on.

- i got myself really involved with another person in block a. it started off as a nice group chatting session in his room on a saturday afternoon before we locals go home. and soon enough, everyone left except 2 of us. and we continued chatting. and we yak and yak and yak and soon enough we started talking about sex. and gradually, we began to tease each other about being aroused and soon enough, things got physical. in the end, we couldn't get enough of each other and before we knew it, we were so addicted to each other. it was a really really really really intense and sexual relationship - much as we constantly denied our sexuality. thinking back, it was really very weird cos two were actually leading an exclusively gay lifestyle although he was bisexual. he would read his love letters to me and even had me around when he wrote his love letters to his then girlfriend (now his wife). it went on for many months until i finally decided to call it quits cos i was not able to accept the whole relationship. i was convinced i was straight and that it was just something i could simply switch off when i felt like it. i broke his heart badly. we went on the different faculties after our first year and did not talk to each other after that.

- there were some interesting things i experienced when i first joined nus. for a start, i thought the girls in my year (who were 2 years younger) were really childish. they behaved like spoilt kids! it was so clear during the science fac orientation camp. but well, in the end, i realized i felt this way because of my ns. ns did really turned many of us into men. yup, men. no longer boys. and i did admit, much as i tried, i was at times conscious of my "officer" status in my ns. but it certainly did not stop me from interacting and mingling with my peers who were non-officers. but i realized that my ocs training and subsequent exposure to leadership positions made me a lot more mature than many of my contemporaries.

- i had the habit of studying through the nights before my exams. and he (i did not ever considered him to be my "boyfriend") would do the same. we would study in the science fac canteen and usually there would be the same group of people there. and there was this very interesting character. she was from bizad. we called her "amy". amy would usually study at the hon sui sen library and she would come over to study at the science fac canteen after the library closed at 10pm. we would all cower in fear when we heard her the high heels sounds approach us. you see, she had this weird habit of wearing red dresses, super high heels, and white gloves (yes, white gloves!). and she would study until just before 12am, then approach any of the guys in the canteen and asked them to walk her to the bus stop where she would catch the last bus to clementi interchange. and as the guy walked with her, she would tell the guy things like - oh, last night, i saw a guy in the toilet playing with himself... and when i saw, i very scared... or, tomorrow can i study with you?... or, will you be here over the weekend (or chinese new year)... she never failed to freak us all out! thank goodness i was never asked cos i would be sitting with him and we would both look down or pretend to be engrossed in some deep discussions when she walked towards our direction.

- i started learning how to ride the motorbike when i was in nus first year. i did it secretly. my parents wouldn't have permitted me to do so if they had known for my dad had a scooter and he knew the dangers associated with bike-riding. by the time i was in second year, i had purchased a secondhand bike from a fellow-itd platoon commander. i rode the bike home. there was nothing my parents could do. my mum could only ask me to ride with care. on the seventh day of my bike purchase, i was turning in from marine parade road to marine terrace when my bike hit the kerb. i was thrown off my bike and the bike crashed. my brother witnessed it from my flat. my mum freaked out. but there was nothing they could do. that was my first bike accident. i had many more bike accidents after that - including quite a few along the ecp (that was when the fort road flyover was not even constructed) and once i walked into the lecture with my jeans totally torn and my thighs still raw with blood and my good friend had to half support me to his hostel room to apply the qing chao you onto my wounds!

- the standard annual routine for me during my years in nus was that i didn't get to celebrate chinese new year. i am not sure if it was good or bad, but it certainly weened me off the excitement of the occasion. so, during chinese new years, i would either be studying at the science fac canteen or locked up in my room at home.

- as i said, i was a regular on course in nus. i had no financial worries. and i had lots of time to focus on my studies and to make friends. by the time i was in second year, many of my peers started talking about their future and as i reflected, i started to regret signing on. there were so many things ahead of me that i could have done or could pursue. and i realized i couldn't do it becos i had to fulfil my obligations to my contract. i regretted and for a short period, comtemplated breaking my contract. it so happened that one of my ocs platoon mate (who had also signed on and was in the same science fac as me) also studied in the science library. and we would chat frequently outside the science library. once, i shared with him how i felt. and he shared the same thoughts. we talked it through and he convinced me when he rationalized that the reasons why oour minds could think of such things was becos we were not preoccupied by other things like financial concerns, job prospects, etc. and so, rather than regret, we should instead feel blessed to be "looked after" well by the armed forces. and for that, we should do our best, complete our studies and pay back to the organisation. and that was exactly what we did.

- for my first year results, i did very well and obtained an "a" for my chemistry and 2 "b"'s for my bio. i dropped my chemistry after some deep consideration. i love bio too much. i continued with my bio 'a', bio 'b' combination in my second year (another crazy chap some would say) and this time round, decided to drop a major to a minor. i chose general maths (or 'g' maths). second year came and went, and again i did very well and obtained an "a" for my maths and 2 "b"'s for my bio. once again, i love bio too much to drop it. and in my final year, i took both bio 'a' and bio 'b'. once again, i got 2 "b"'s for them. i was offered both zoology and botany honours. in the end i went on to do my honours in botany and graduated with a 2 upper honours in botany in jul 91.

home again

mum has been discharged.

over the last 2 days, i couldn't help but suspected that her dementia had taken a turn for the worst. her behaviour seemed very weird. for example, she would refuse to eat the hospital food and say it tasted horrible. and she would gobble up the loaf of bread that my sis bought for her. and according to my domestic help, she said mum would take 2 pieces of the raisin bread and stuff all of it into her mouth. that was similar to my own observation when i visited her last evening with 2 pieces of agar agar. i handed it to her and next thing i knew, she was literally stuffing her mouth with it. it didn't seemed right. and mum would also point to the auntie opposite her and made comments about the auntie. these are things that she would usually not do. and my own conclusion was that it was due to her dementia.

and it seemed like her behaviour took a turn for the worst when she got upset. for example, she was looking forward to being discharge yesterday. but in the morning, the nurse did a check and found her to be unfit for discharge. so, the doctor spoke to my brother that she would remain for more observation which we agreed. in the afternoon, my sis spoke to the doctor and for some unknown reasons (which i believe was due to my sis's insistence on getting her to be discharged), the doctor agreed. this made my brother very angry. he spoke with the doctor again and in the end, the discharge order was cancelled. i visited mum in the evening and when i saw her behaviour, my first thoughts were that the morning's event had caused her mental states to swing and could have been to stressful for her.

i am glad she finally got discharged today. sometimes, i am rather disappointed how, despite of good intentions, my siblings are totally not sensitive about my mum's mental states. then again, i cannot fault them. sighs...

annoying people

i always find suspicious people very annoying - and i mean people who constantly suspects others are out to sabotage them. it is very difficult to work with these people. this thing went through my mind today during a meeting "i may be nice all the time, but don't take it as a sign of weakness and don't take advantage of me. i can be just as bitchy! and when i bite, i bite hard. and i won't release!"

1987 - a new phase

it would not be complete for me to just leave my last post on "completing my ns" without mentioning how it ended. you see, i was a march intake batch. this meant that by the time i enter uni for my tertiery education, i would have only served two years and three months - three months short of the usual two and a half years. so, for a "normal" conscript, he would have to disrupt his military service and serve the remaining three months during his annual academic break. anyway all these did not matter to me.

i signed on (i became a contract military officer).

you see, ever since i was a young boy, i was a fiercely independent person. my mum had brought me up that way. i did not want to be financially dependent on my parents and by the time i was in junior college, i gave tuition to fund my own studies. and given my personal dislike towards my dad's tendency to openly show off things (money, achievements, etc), i learned to keep such information away from him.

towards the last half year of my stay in itd (infantry training deport - the name of the military basic military school back then), i was sent for my company tactics course (ctc) and then basic intelligence officer's course (bioc). i understood at that time that these courses were meant to prepare me for an intelligence position during my reservist. so i went for the courses. in ctc, i had the opportunity to interact with many regulars and combat units. it was interesting and i enjoyed the camaraderie with the men. it was such a contrast to my itd tour where i was an instructor and where recruits held me up in the highest esteem. also, my buddy was a regular singh and i had the opportunity to speak to him and asked him about how it felt to be a regular. he spoke a lot of about the financial independence and that attracted me a lot. to me, apart from my love for the field and the combat stuff, i could also enjoy financial independence from my dad. hmmm... good.

however, by the time i finished my ctc, apart from a low grading (as all nsfs did), i got disillusioned by how some of the regulars behaved. they had huge attitude problems i thought. and that was it. i went back to itd for a month plus before going for my bioc. i did well in bioc. despite the presence of many regulars, i excelled. i was eventually awarded the best trainee for my course. if anything, bioc turned me around. my winning of best trainee told me that regardless of service status, nsfs could also emerged top as long as he did well. that made me think very hard about signing on, which eventually i did. i went for the interview and was asked if i would consider taking up maths or military studies or history. i replied no, i'd rather do biology. and i spoke of how passion would drive me further in my pursue for knowledge. i was also asked if i would consider an overseas scholarship instead of a local award. i replied no too. i did not want anyone to know i had signed on, especially my dad.

i signed on the dotted line not long after i graduated from my bioc. as i said, i was an independent person. i signed on without even consulting my parents. i only told my mum about it the night before i went to sign my contract. i remembered her saying it is ok as long as i am ok with it. that was it. i signed the contract. it was on april fools day (actually thinking back, perhaps i was foolish! ha!). and i made my mum promised not to tell my dad about it. i did not want him to start telling people that i have signed on. i was sure he would go around saying i earn xxx amount of dollars and that i was a rich person.

i was a regular officer on course when the nus academic term started in jul 1987.

where am i heading?

frankly, sometimes, i do ask myself if i am in the right place and doing the right job... then again, i guessed i was just tired. all the people issues are draining me big time. anyway, let's give myself a year or two or maybe three, before i decide if i should move on. for now, let's embrace my impending promotion and see where it takes me.

hmmm...

wish me luck.

tiring

felt very exhausted by this evening. the twice a day visit to the hospital took its toll on me and i literally collapse onto my sofa this afternoon. felt so drained by the time i drove to visit mum this evening. at the hospital, the nurse told me that mum would likely be discharged tomorrow. it will have to depend on the results of the checks and tests tomorrow morning.

:-)

i love you phillip morris

watched the show yesterday with bee and schneider. thought it was a good show. enjoyed it. surprisingly, there seemed to be more straight couples in the theatre than gay people. but well, i did not feel as awkward as compared to sometime back when they screened beefcake. that show was almost a gay soft-porn. anyway, about the show, i thought ewan mcgregor and jim carrey pulled off the 2 characters pretty well, especially ewan mcgregor. he brought out the vulnerability so well. so natural. almost want to protect him! totally loved his performance!

:-)

ps: and oh, there was a line in the show that sounded exactly like what i wrote sometime back... that the gay lifestyle is an expensive one! lol!

where is god?

ever noticed how most people look towards the sky (upwards) when they pray? is god up there? or is there just space up there? or should people look into their heart instead? one wise line i heard in a recent retreat is that when we look for god outside ourselves, we tend to end up in conflicts. instead, when we look inwards, we can then begin the process of achieving lasting peace.

concept of "i"

i was in a email correspondence with a friend on the whole idea of "i" and decided to do a google on it. found this link on concept of "i". it reminded me so much of the zen master's talk recently. thought i'd post it here to share.

:-)

1010101010

it's weird when i got a sms from my sis exclaiming that wow! tomorrow will be 10.10am, 10 sec of 10.10.10... but i was thinking "so what? if we want to, every day, every minute, every second can be as special too right?" anyway, tomorrow is not really 10:10:10 10.10.10, instead, it is 10:10:10 10.10.2010... ha!

but well, let's not be so serious and just join in the fun and enjoy it, after all, every day, every minute, every second is special right?

:-)

recovering

visited mum today and she seemed to have recovered pretty fast. she's very lively today. such a contrast from yesterday where she could hardly recognise me. happy.

:-)

bb

well, i got my bb at last. trying to get use to it. so far so good. and last evening, i thought about it. having my boss to get his secretary to assign me a bb can be interpreted as him wanting to do work all the time or it can also mean he thinks i deserve a free phone line and a free phone. if it is the second reason, then i think i should thank him.

heh heh... whichever reason it is, i guess no one knows except my boss. and as for me, i chose to think it is the second reason. and for that i am thankful.

:-)

pneumonia again

just came back from hospital. mum has been hospitalized for pneumonia again. initially thought it was stroke. but thankfully, after all the tests, realized it was pneumonia and not stroke.

inculcating right values

my sister called me up this morning when i was in the midst of a discussion overseas. she was perturbed by the fact that a man had demanded from my niece s$500 for reversing her car into his scooter. my sis felt he was trying to rip my niece off and wanted to ask if that amount demanded was reasonable. apparently, what happened was that my niece had left a note apologizing for knocking the scooter down. and despite seeing that it had not suffer any major damage, my niece had also left a note with her contact details. so, the man called up and asked for compensation.

i told my sis to talk to the workshop and asked for a breakdown of the cost and hung up.

when i returned home in the evening, i called my sis and asked her if she had managed to check. she replied she did and managed to reduce the amount to s$400. when i spoke to her, she sounded rather crossed. i asked why and she said she was angry with my niece for leaving a note. she said my niece was young and naive and that she should have simply stood up the scooter and drive off. she said if my niece had done that, she would not have had to spend s$400...

for a while, i kept quiet. then i commented on her reaction. i told her that she has had her focus placed on the wrong areas! the key thing in this incident was not about the money. it was about the value system. and if you asked me, i thought the money spent was certainly well worth it! cos for the s$400, my niece now knows she needs to be careful when reversing her car and that she also now knows how to check if people are lying. these are life's lessons that can never be taught in school. more importantly, the incident showed that my niece had shown great courage in acknowledging her mistake and strong values in having the integrity to want to compensate for the damage. also, that for that amount, my sis now has the clearest indication that her way of bringing up her daughters is a correct one. these are all priceless! thus, my sis should instead feel happy and proud. happy for that fact that she had been able to inculcate in her daughter a good value system. and proud of her daughter as she had displayed excellent values. she should have praised her daughter rather that chided her. in chiding her over the money, she had sent out the signal that values can be tweet to suit your own whimps and fancies and for selfish reasons. and in doing so, would it not be akin to telling them that it is ok to kill someone over some money if the money belongs to you? as parents, it is important to not only inculcate right values, it is also (if not, even more) important to reinforce these lessons consistently. or else, we might end up confusing our kids!

no?

human beings

today, i saw a family of human beings grieving over the passing of their mother. not politicans. the concept of status has no meaning during that moments of their grief. we come with nothing, we go with nothing. so, while we are around, let us make the best of our time and make ourselves useful and relevant to our fellow journeymen.

mm lee & madam kwa

he was in hospital when she slipped away at home 2 days ago. so quietly she lied there awaiting his visit. and this evening, when i saw him walked in finally, i felt his pain. my heart ached badly. inside, i whispered silently - she has led a full life. and she is at peace now. for that, let's celebrate her life. but involuntarily, my eyes welled with tears.

rest in peace, madam.

weakening mum

ever see a litted candlelight dancing when the candle is about to end? with each second, you can see the light softening. and often, you see it flickers when there is a small air turbulence around it. and once a while, you get a little anxious when a rush of air blows pass for, at that very moment, it felt as though the light would be extinguished once and for all.

well, that is exactly how i feel currently with regards my mum's health. for her age, she could be considered to be relatively healthy. but in recent days, her health has been failing. she was admitted into the hospital twice recently. and everytime after she returned from hospital, she seemed slightly weaker than before the hospital stay, despite having been told she had recovered. and it was not just the mobility issues, but also her increasing inability deliver a sentence clearly and properly, and her increasing inability to fulfill normal life functions. slowly but surely, her voice has gotten coarser. also, the frequency of her peeing in her sarong had also increased. once a while, when she was too weak to walk to the toilet in time, she would even shit in her sarong. not too sure how she did it, but she had managed to keep her face straight whenever it happened and just accept that it happened. and the domestic help would just go about cleaning her up without a fuss.

to some, seeing his parent getting into such a state can be quite distressing. but to me, i guessed i have come to terms with it. apart from having seen and managed my dad in his final years, i am also able to better accept this as a part of a person's aging journey. it is a journey that all of us have to go through. for now, i only have one thing in my mind. and that is, i would really like my mum to be happy and not worry about anything and for her to walk this final phase of her journey well.

young officer

after passing out as an officer, i was offered the opportunity to be a section mentor. but i declined. i declined becos i did not want to go through and subject my section through all those stuff i went through. well, on hindsight, i guessed i was naive. i had thought that those stuff i went through were part and parcel of a cadet's life and if i were to become a mentor, i would have to do the same... anyway, i rejected the offer to stay on as a mentor. and so that was how i got eventually posted to infantry training depot (itd) as a platoon commander. in those days, i always heard that itd officers were very switched off (meaning - easy life). but eventually, i realized it wasn't after all. i got posted to itd, gryphon company - the one that had the reputation of being the most "siao on" company in camp 3. anyway, the first few days of passing out, i felt terribly weird to be wearing a black bar on my shoulders. it felt super heavy. i felt a sense of heavy responsibility. and i took a while to get use to people addressing me as sir. the feeling of a sense of pride made me (and many of my fellow new officers) continue to starch and iron our uniforms, blacken our boots till it shine - although it was not a requirement.

the entry into itd as an officer was not an easy one. we had to first go through a two-week induction program. at the end of the program, we were made to go through an initiation ceremony at the officer's mess. we had heard so much about the ceremony. and we heard that the one in itd was one of the most siong (difficult) one in the whole army. we were given a "warm welcome" at the start of the whole intiation where we were fed with very spicy food. then, we were made to do a stand-by bed where our seniors would come in and humiliate us, ransack our cupboards, treat us worst than cadets, then do a change parade, following which we were made to change into our sbo and undergo the standard obstacle course (soc). during the soc, we were made to do all sorts of weird things, like leopard crawl up and down the jacob's ladder (there was no safety guidelines as far as i was concerned). the soc started at dusk and by the time we were done, it was already dark. we were then made to go to the mess for the "proper" mess initiation. one-by-one, we were made to report at the mess door, proclaim (shout out loud) that we were "2lt so-and-so, young and green, blur like fuck, request permission to enter the mess, sir!" i got in after one shout. but for some of my fellow batch officers, halfway through shouting their lines, they had wet and dirtied mops pushed onto onto their face, all sorts of things thrown onto them etc... and that was even before we went into the mess.

once we got into the mess, we were made to go through a few stations where we were required to do some silly things. things like placing a mop stick on our forehead, turn 20 rounds and run forward to a finishing line, etc. and at each station, we had rotten eggs, flour and even urine thrown at us by our seniors. we were also subjected to all sorts of silly (and sometimes humiliating) questions. and for every questions that we couldn't answer, we were forced to drink a can (or two cans) of beer. most of us eventually down more than 30 cans of beer each. for me, it was 36 cans. and becos we had spicy food earlier, many of us suffered heartburn during the process and eventually it hit a point where we vomitted like nobody's business. and whenever someone vomitted, the seniors would proclaim "oh, merlion, merlion" and then someone would rush forward and forced another few cans of beer down our throats. for some unlucky ones, they even had raw eggs mixed inside the beer. most of us hit a point where we were no longer fully conscious of our surroundings. we were all in a state of half zombie. the last station was the most disgusting. it was designed to make us puke even more. what the seniors did was they concocted a mixture comprising all sorts of stuff - chilli sauce, ketchup, vinegar, light soya sauce, dark soil sauce, sugar, salt, pepper, raw eggs, etc. and we have to make a toast to the mess and gulp down the mixture. trust me, with such a concoction, even the most gutsy strong stomach person would puke his intestines out.

yup, that was exactly what happened to all of us. we puke and puke and puke. i remembered that very night, after the initiation, we dragged ourselves back to our room. and at the shower, one of my fellow buddies simply lost his consciousness halfway through his shower. he stood in the shower, his face leaned against the wall and his totally lost consciousness. i remembered someone calling for help but couldn't recall what happened after that. i myself had lost all my senses. i found out the next day that he was evacuated to the medical center by the senior. well, as i said, tekong had one of the most siong (difficult) initiation. and i later learned that quite often, helicopters had to be activated to evacuate people after the initiation. with that initiation completed, we were formally welcomed into the itd officer's mess. there was a lot of handshking after that. but we were to daze to know what happened.

i can still remember a lot of things very clearly but will write some of the most memorable ones here:

- my stay in itd was a short one. i was posted there sometime in mar 86. my first batch was recruits were the 39th batch. i was the pc. for the second batch, i was elevated to become the pc cum 2ic cum acting oc (officer commanding) cos my oc went for his tdo (training development officer) course. it lasted close to 3 months. so, being young and green and blur like fuck (that was what the seniors made us proclaim during initiation), i was bullied by my camp ato (assistant training officer). he was a huge and fat chap who enjoyed bullying young officers, what more someone who was an acting oc. sighs.

- as i said, i was bullied by the ato. and for that particular batch, i was made to organize the itd recruit farewell night. a lot of logistics and planning. but well, i survived. but that experience allowed me to understand how bands were assembled, what synthesizers were, and so on. so, in a way, i had my share of learning and fun.

- my appointment as the acting oc allowed me to learn a lot a lot of stuff. i learned things that i never would have learned in my 9 months in ocs. in a way, it forced me to grow up. i had to manage things like postings, disruptions of my platoon commanders, inducting new officers, and so on.

- it was in itd that i got to know my best friend (bs). i recalled seeing him for the first time at the 300m range. and i was rather attracted to him. i was told he was newly posted in. that evening, back at the mess, i was introduced to him. we hit off straight away.

- during one of the days (lunchtime), we were at the mess, and we saw oc lima (a lta low kiam how) running towards the mess direction from the wing block. and looked pretty flustered. it felt weird. to us junior officers, oc's were supposed to be very 'zhai' (composed/ stable) and walk slowly. they are not supposed to run... but here we had an oc running. we found out later that his company had grenade throwing that morning and one of his recruits had his hands blown off. the descriptions were heard were rather gruesome - thumb hanging from the palm with only a thin slice of flesh attached, shrapnels entered all over the recruit's body, people crying, blood splattered everywhere... la la la... from then on, we all learned to respect even more the little green ball called the "hand grenade".

- some of the best moments in itd was the mess time. we were literally stranded on the island and with no place to go, we could only gather at the mess nightly when there were no trainings. and we all had a lot of fun doing stuff together - playing pool, drinking beer, eating crackers, joking, chit-chatting, etc. it was just pure bonding. and we had one lady officer whom we address affectionately by her surname "loo". and we would always tease her when someone asked for her. "where's loo?" someone would ask, and on the spot, someone would shout out "walk out of the mess door, turn left and it's there!" :-)

- i had my fair share of interesting paranormal experiences during my stay there. it ranged from recruits seeing things, recruits drawing pictures from top floor detailing position of tombstones that was supposedly found on the parade square before it was cleared off, pl sgts chasing things from floor to floor, and so on. it was rather scary frankly but well, it made the stay there very colourful and interesting.

- i stayed in itd until jun 87 when i disrupted for my uni studies. during my stay, i had 2 short breaks from itd. first was in oct 86 - dec 86 (if i recall correctly) when i went for my company tactics course, and the second period was from jan 87 - mar 87 wheen i went for my basic intelligence course (bioc). i returned after my bioc and was posted to the hq as a project officer where i was made to redesign the recruit combat movement course at rocky hill and botak hill.

home again

mum was discharged this afternoon.

let's hope she recovers well this time round.

:-)

rumours

it's certainly not easy trying to keep things mum. recently, my boss told me i'd be promoted to take over a key position. of cos, i was initially rather shocked by this development, but i took it in stride and did not tell anyone. but soon enough, rumours started spreading. and people started talking. and becos this coming promotion is part of a long chain of moves by a lot of people in management, people started speculating where i would be heading. not very nice. and i really do not know how long this is gonna last.

i hope things get formally announced soon to put an end to all these rumours and speculations.

feeling tired

i think it is a good thing that i feel so exhausted by the end of every day for i end up sleeping very well...

and i remembered what the venerable said once: blessed is a person who can sleep when he goes to bed at the end of the day, blessed is a person who can eat when he is hungry and blessed is a person who can laugh heartily. simple acts but things that we often take for granted.

:-)

heartburn

been experiencing heartburn very often these couple of days. very uncomfortable. think i might have eaten too much during the day...

copd

mum has gone into the a&e this evening and has been warded again. she was breatheless and her whole body was weak. got the call from my bro just as i was halfway through my walk-a-jog and drove down to sent her to the hospital.

the initial diagnosis - copd.

i am not surprised.

3 principles

i brought my two managers out to lunch a couple of days ago and shared with them about how rewards will come when you focus your attention on doing your best rather than focusing on the rewards... and i shared with them some of the key principles i have observed at work my whole life. and i am convinced it works. and they listened. but i wasn't too sure if they agreed.

today, there was a meeting where i had to do 2 presentations. but as i had been asked to attend a training, i couldn't attend the meeting and tasked my manager to do the brief instead. after the meeting, i messaged one of them and asked how the presentation went. he said good but we had more arrows. and i told him to be positive about it. work is given to us becos we are appreciated for being able. so we should be happy about it. and in response, he gave a cheerful reply, said yes, and restated my principles... i was dumbfounded for a while. he remembered! and i smiled to myself. thinking back, i must have looked silly during the training session.

anyway, this was what i shared as my key work principles...

(1) do your best

(2) value-add

(3) prioritize

in all you do, give your best. rewards will come without you seeking it. in all you do, don't just do it like everyone else. value-add. this way, you improve, and the company improve. and rewards will come without you asking. lastly, in everything you do, if you try to spread your effort equally, you will die of exhaustion without achieving anything. work is infinite. cannot never finish one. if push come to shaft, prioritize. and the way to do it is - your bosses priorities are your priorities. simple. not that you are carrying balls, rather, in everything we do, we are paid to solve our bosses problems. if everyone up the chain thinks the same, the company can only go in one single direction. upwards. and when that happens, rewards will come downwards. naturally...

agree?

f1-related qns

bee told me that over the weekend at the zoo, lpheng's son asked him - which key on the keyboard is the fastest. he couldn't and didn't answer. but i immediately told him "f1" key. he was kinda dumbfounded for that moment that i knew the answer. heh heh...

during a training session today, my trainer told us that there are only about 30+ qualified f1 drivers in the world. and he said they are crazy people. not normal. drive like that. and they really need help... and i thought... hmmm, is that why "f1" key on our keyboard is also used for "help"?

how? rather lame right? anyway, for some unknown reasons, this year's f1 seemed super low-key to us. it came and it went. we almost didn't feel it. but on that very night of the race, we both managed to tune in just when the race was about to end. and we were both very excited about the final lap when alonso and what's his name was so close together. for that moment, we both were gritting our teeth and gave a huge sigh of relief when alonso crossed the finishing line. in all, after more than 3 hours, the difference in timing between the 1st and the 2nd car was 0.29 seconds! amazing! just imagine the teamwork and the precision of everyone during that 3 hours to get such a result!

blackberry

went for a executive training today. attended it with many of my fellow company people. my second boss was there too. at the start of the program, the trainer asked - how many of you do not hold a blackberry? i raised my hand. i was the only one. apparently, all in the room had one. and the trainer commented how lucky i was not to be enslaved by the gadget. he was right. everyone i knew in the company had one and almost all the time, i see time busy typing answering and emails... like as though their lives depends on it. i don't carry one and life carries on. and the company has not collapse. right? sometimes, i think we create jobs for ourselves. anyway...

in less than an hour, i got 2 missed calls from my second boss's secretary. i called back. she told me she had indented a blackberry for me... and i knew who asked for it to be done...

sighs sighs sighs...

hallucinations

mum has started hallucinating again. i think she is still ill and perhaps her internal infections has not fully subside. either that or her regular medications need to be adjusted. of late, she has started to see black creepy crawlies all over her hands, and in recent nights, she said an ang moh lady had been coming to her nightly. i asked whether the lady spoke to her. and she replied no. instead, the lady and stood by her side, and gestured for her to keep quiet. i asked if she was afraid. and she said no. in addition, my brother told me she also claimed that my paternal grandparents had visited her a couple of weeks back.

hmmm... think my brother is superstitious and very worried. after all, from what he had experienced before, this same thing happened to my dad before he passed on. similarly, this was the same story for my grands (both paternal and maternal) before they passed on. although logic tells me that things are like that becos of old age, illness and medication, i do admit that i am a little worried. nonetheless, i kept reminding myself that mum is old. and if her time is up, there is nothing we can do. rather, we should make sure she gets the best attention and medical care.

baggages

a young monk and his master was about to cross the river when they met a lady. she was hurrying home and her house was on the farbank. the sky was getting dark and the nearest bridge was a couple of kilometers downstream. and as she needed to get home before nightfall, the lady asked the monks to help carry her across the river. the young monk didn't want to do so as it is against the rules to get in physical contact with woman. the lady pleaded as she needed to rush home. as there was no other way, the master finally decided to carry her on his back instead. the young monk felt uneasy. after crossing the river, the master let down the lady. she gratefully thanked the master and went along her way.

the master continued walking quietly. the young monk felt troubled by the fact that the master had breached the rule of not to getting into physical contact with a lady. after walking a while more, he couldn't take it anymore and asked the master why he carried the lady. the master turned around and looked at him and said: "what i knew was that i had helped a person who was in distress..." the young monk was not satified with the answer and demanded a clearer answer for it was clear to him that the master had breached his practise. the master then turn around and said: "hmmm, i have already let down the person after i crossed the river and am no longer carrying her, but why are you still carrying her?" he continued walking... mindfully.

a simple true story of a chinese venerable's life in the 1800s. but it certainly has a lot of meanings. many of us are blinded by prejudices and wrong perceptions. and often these views prevented us from doing the good we should be doing. also, in life, many of us carry our burdens of grudges, anger, dissatisfactions, etc over prolonged periods of time. and we continue to attach ourselves to our past. but in actual fact, the past is gone. we should let it go. we should just move along and focus on our journey ahead. there is no reason why we continue be held ransom by our past baggage. holding on to such attachments is empty and it causes unnecessary sufferings.

this is an important story to me. of late, particularly in recent years, i have been counselling my mum frequently. you see, she is a person who has been so imprisoned by her past, it has become a habit. she is so trapped in it that she fail to appreciate and count her present blessings. and i have to keep reminding her not to do so. in recent weeks ever since my sister-in-law's mum came and stay over with her, my mum would cry whenever she sees them so sweet and close. she kept thinking of how she got ill-treated by her own mum, and for that matter, by her mother-in-law, my grandmother. she failed to totally see and appreciate the fact that she has a good daughter-in-law, that she has a good and caring environment that constantly provides for her. sighs... i could not do anything except to constantly counsel her.

what a weekend!

breakfast at changi airport swensons, sweeping the floor, mopping the floor, writing my minutes, heading to mum's place, carrying my newborn niece, visiting the zoo, eating peanut butter chocolate, eating vit c jelly beans, go shopping at jurong point, eating at thai express, doing my laundry, feeding the dog, walking the dog, doing my marketing for sapphie's fruits, having breakfast at bedok, having drinks with sam, teaching in school, visiting mum (again), carrying my newborn niece (again), getting my hair cut, more minute writing, eating out (again)... sleeping...

what a weekend!

mindful speeding

i had an interesting thought this morning on my way to class. i was driving above the speed limit and when i met my fellow teacher in school, he commented that i drove very fast. my response? "no lah, i drive fast, but i didn't rush. if you rush when you drive, it can be dangerous even if you are driving slowly. conversely, if you are mindful, even if you drive fast, you can be very safe."

and he asked - so? mindful speeding is safe? hmmm, i should tell my wife that.

heh heh... yes, my take is this - mindful speeding can be safe. just look at grand prix drivers. they drive at crazy speeds right? but they are very focus and mindful when they drive. no? heh heh... but well, let me set my words right. when i said mindful speeding is safe, i do not advocate that one should start speeding along our roads. to do so is being reckless and irresponsible. let me explain. it is safe provided you are driving on roads that are designed to take driving at that kind of speed, people driving around you observe the same cautious habits as you, people around you are also mindful when they drive, and the car you are driving can take that kinda speed. too many ifs right?

not worth the risk. not to mention, breaking the law. and yes, i was irresponsible when i drove fast this morning.

pole-dancing

a teacher commented earlier on that members of the monastic enjoyed teaching children how to sing a particular song cos it came with a set of movements and executing them, it felt like they were also dancing. a student came up to me and asked "how come?". he was puzzled why members of the sangha don't dance. i responded that as a norm, members of the sangha do not indulge in songs and dances as it is against their practise and that it does not contribute to their efforts of quietening down and cultivating their minds.

and he asked why. and i explained further that in not doing so, it is an attempt at not creating an attachment to such worldly pleasures. he thought about it and asked further... "teacher teacher, what if i bring them to see pole-dancing?" hmmm... i kept silent for a while. this was a complex question. after some careful thoughts, i just replied - "it is all in the mind. seeing (sic) pole-dancing is one thing. but what the mind thinks and interprets it is seeing is another thing." i am not sure if i got the message across. he just nodded his head and continued with the lesson.

:-)

crazy weeks

it's been a totally crazy past 2 weeks! all the rushing for a potential business. strategizing, researching, solutioning, la la la... and today, the top management decided to... drop... the... bid...

for that meagre sum, not worth the legal risk.

i worked like hell for it, but when the decision to drop it was made, i did not feel disappointed. neither did i feel happy. i simply move on. i was however glad that all the work i did helped the decision makers make their decisions. and most importantly, through the process, i got to know quite a few more people, and of course, learned a lot more things.

i supposed it is a good thing after all.

:-)

all's well

if all things go well, mum should be out of the hospital tomorrow!

:-)

better

mum was in better shape today. when i visited her, she was a little confused but otherwise, very cheerful. and i guessed this was because she had been on oxygen mask for the whole day. it was funny when she asked if i took the bus to work and to visit her... she apparently forgot that i drive.

:-)

again...

mum got hospitalized again today.

was at the temple this afternoon having lunch when i got a call from my bro. he was on the way bringing the new born baby home. but he told me that he is sending mum to the hospital as she was too weak toget out of bed. he asked me to head straight to the hospital to wait for her as he had called for the ambulance. half an hour later, i was at the hospital and there was no sign of mum. and then i got a call from him telling me that the ambulance has not arrived and that mum was crying non stop and asking not to be sent to the hospital. he also told me to henceforth not ask her to chant, use her prayer beads or to pin her buddha amulet. apparently, he was rather pissed with her for asking for her prayer beads even as they were waiting for the ambulance. i asked that he give in to her as this was something she held close to her heart for the longest time in her life. instead, i got chided. i kept quiet.

anyway, i waited at the hospital for them to arrive. the ambulance arrived some 20 minutes later. by then, mum was in bad shape. she was semi-conscious, in delirium, her body frigid and she kept wailing. she was wheeled to the a & e. the nurses didn't know what to do with her as her vital stats seemed ok, yet she kept on wailing. i held her tight and kept talking to her. i asked my brother to go for his lunch and i consoled her about the prayer beads. i reminded her that buddha is in her heart and she needn't need the prayer beads to do her prayers. she calmed down a little but continued to be in delirium. the doctor came and asked some questions. he told me she needed to be warded immediately, ordered for a chest x-ray and sent her blood samples for test. i was told to wait outside for her. by then, mum had quietened down and fallen asleep.

about an hour later, i took a look inside the a&e observation ward. mum was back in the ward. and she was awake. she was in a semi conscious state. but when she saw me, she called out to me. i kept her company for the next 2 hours plus. gradually she got stronger. i kept talking to her. she couldn't remember anything at all. i spoke with the doctor and he explained that her condition could possibly be due to a chest infection. they needed to keep her in the hospital to observe and to treat her.

let's hope she recovers soon.

it's been a very long and tiring day.

holding a baby

it's been such a long while since i last held a newborn baby. and yesterday, i held my niece. nice little bundle. too big to be born naturally. huge size. the nurses commented that her size is more like a one month old baby instead. felt great to hold a little bundle. the little miracle. so little. so fragile. and so adorable.

:-)

easier said than done

when i posted the words about not focusing too much into the future for happiness, and to look for happiness in the now, one of my friend posted a comment saying "easier said than done". he sounded a little curt. but well, i hoped his comment did not mean he would not even give it a try. then again, it is really up to him...

the thing is, all these things about being happy, mindfulness, la la la... all really depends on oneself. it depends on one's own efforts to look into oneself and one's mindfulness to focus on what he/ she wants to achieve. thus, one has a choice. and it depends on himself/ herself if he/ she wants to put in the effort to achieve it.

agree?

ah pek lo!

i am now an ah pek... and my mum was so happy earlier when i teased her about being a mama all over again! it's been a long while since anything like this happened in my family!

:-)

ps: all in all, we have now 7 princesses in the family. 6 carrying my in-law's surnames and now 1 with my family surname!

some observations

these following are some observations i made...

• much as i'd like my friends to know more about the dharma, i somehow feel a little more sensitive and careful when my christian friends ask me about it. and i would be very very careful not to sound pushy if i ever ask whether they are keen to attend dharma talks with me. while i feel very very happy that they are open enough to want to ask me more about dharma and buddhism, i certainly don't want them to feel like as though i am imposing on them by suggesting for them to attend lessons or dharma talks with me.

• i had observed that whenever i posted anything that reflects a reference to anything buddhist in my facebook, only my buddhist friends would "like" or comment on my status update. but if i were to simply write a quote from a buddhist text/ lesson but not credit the author or state where i got it from, i would get lots of my christain friends who would readily agree with it, or click "like" it. 

i am not trying to make any judgment about what i saw. rather, i am reflecting this as it reminded me of something i read about when i did a search in the net about the great zen master. he said something along this line - that perhaps it is better to just focus on the teachings. the names, be it buddhism, christainity, islam, etc etc etc are simply, names. yes, they can unite people, but most of the time, they divert people's focus from the most important thing - the truth and the values, which are, ultimately, the same. buddha-nature, god, son, holy spirit... does it matter after all...

:-)

ah pek

within these couple of days, i will be an "ah pek" (阿伯). well that is what a chinese person would address an uncle who is elder than his/ her father. and in my case, since i am the eldest son in the family, i would be rightfully addressed as "tua pek" (大伯) (or eldest paternal uncle) by my brother's baby.

so imagine, in the far future when my brother's baby has her own children, they will call me "tua pek kong" (大伯公)... lol!

* while "tua pek kong" is also a respectful term for the grand eldest paternal uncle, it is also the name of one of the most respected chinese diety that is commonly worship by malaysian and singaporean chinese.

baby's name

understand that my brother wants me to help name his baby...

but i have my reservations.

perhaps i should just list a few for him to choose.

hmmm...

be happy, now

don't keep focusing into the future for happiness. look around you now, breath mindfully, relax, and you will realize that there are many conditions around you now that you can be happy about. live in the now. be happy, now.

:-)

looking forward

perhaps it is the after effects of attending the talk by the master. i am now looking forward to the coming week. not gonna be afraid or feel apprehensive about what's coming. even if i feel apprehensive and afraid, it will still come. so, might as well focus on the here and the now and have the mindfulness to have a good rest and prepare for it.

:-)

living in the now

last evening, i attended a talk by the zen master with my friends. before the talk started, we had the puja. but this puja was different from all other pujas i have participated in before. it was led by the monastic. and they sang a really beautiful song (it was the puja for kuan im or buddisattva avalokiteshvara). before the puja commence, the master spoke to us about kuan im and what she stands for. he urged us all to open ourselves as we listen to the puja. and he asked that we focus our thoughts on people whom we feel for, for people whom we wanted to direct our healing energies to. i could feel the sense of anticipation as the monastics took up position.

and they started.

their voices were so melodious. all of us closed our eyes and meditated. and we focused our attention onto the lyrics as they sang. and as they sang, i had goose pimples. and slowly my eyes began to tear. my tears flowed freely for that short few minutes. many thoughts went through my mind. many people went through my mind. i meditated on them laughing, on them being painless, on them being happy. thoughts of my past, thoughts of my late dad, my mum, bee's father, bee, james, my sisters, my brother, everyone that passed my life before that had impacted on me. it was a very cathartic feeling. i was totally immersed in the song, in the winds that silently blew from my back. the words of the songs rang loud and clear. the time passed without me realizing it. and soon, the gong rang. it was the signal to end the puja. and soon, all was silent again. although there were 4000 in the audience, the silence was deafening.

and the talk started. it was delivered in very simple english, but the meanings behind the talk was really deep. and i truly enjoyed the talk. the master reminded us of how to live in the present, how to live in the now. how to appreciate ourselves, the people around us, the environment, the things, etc around us. and he shared very candidly how he came face-to-face with an image of the buddha. and how he, as well as the buddha were connected, yet empty. i understood him. the talk lasted longer than it should have. but no one complained. afterall, it was not often that one has the honour and privilege to listen to a master.

when the talk ended, the master invited us to enjoy a song sung by one member of his monastic. the song started. it was in french, then english. the voice was clear and crisp. it certainly did not sound like one sung by someone who was probably in her 70s. and as she sang, the master slowly took his leave. and as quietly as he entered, he left. no pomp, no grant exit. simply. he walked out. emptiness.

my deepest respect.

:-)

ulcers

i always find it such a pain to have multiple ulcers in my mouth! argh!

first i have a big one by the under side of my tongue. because of this ulcer, i couldn't sleep properly cos i had problem swallowing my saliva. and when i thought that was bad enough, i had to scald my inner mouth surface such that the skin of my right inner mouth surface tore off. and what was left behind was a huge ulcer about the size of a 10cents coin. and then when i thought that was the ultimate, a small little but irritating ulcer appeared on my upper tongue.

so there! one large, one larger and one tiny one. all creating havoc in my mouth. terrible right?