next holiday...

still wondering where i should go for my next holiday. options currently being considered: taiwan, hong kong, christchurch, melbourne, perth... so far, it seemed like perth is likely to be the destination. both taiwan & hong kong will be warm. not what i look for for a break, and probably not too conducive to me driving too. christchurch and melbourne seemed ok, nice and cool. then again, christchurch might be a bit cold, and as for melbourne, that is where it is ground zero for aussieland's h1n1. hmmm... so, that leaves me with perth.

only thing is that i have been to perth a couple of times. but i have not brought bee bee up north. the last time, we traveled south to albany. this time, i'll probably drive him up to the pinnacles.

:-)

benedictine d.o.m.

bought a bottle for my mum yesterday morning at ntuc fairprice bedok - it costs s$71.00. and later in the evening at carrefour plaza singapura, i noted it was going for s$65.50... wah! the price at a heartlander ntuc fairprice branch was way much more expensive than that of carrefour located in town!

wtf!

pricing at fairprice is not very fair after all!

tattooing

got an sms today from jeremy reminding me that we had sometime back agreed to get a common tattoo together. was quite surprised he remembered. ha ha... this will be my second tattoo after the last one i did some 9 years back!

:-)

the previous time...

i have, over the years, gotten more convinced that life is not all about work and money. it is about embracing the various experiences that one can and will encounter as one ages/ grows. it is about living and appreciating `the' moment. i have also come to be less judgmental about people, events and things that people do that i may not necessary believe in. i have come to remind myself that i should not be too quick to pass judgments on them. it was this that led me to do several things when i went through the process of leaving service in late 1999/ early-2000. things that i would have never even thought of doing earlier due to my own prejudices against them.

firstly, i dyed my hair. i had the impression that dying of one's hair was something that only ah lians and undesirable characters do (at least in singapore). and these characters usually do not have good reputation - in their uncouth conduct, in their mannerism, in everything they do. well, that was my perception then. but i couldn't be more wrong. ah lians are as human as you and i. and dying of one's hair has no connections whatsoever with ah lians, to say the least! it was me and my stereotyping. and i thought, hmmm, why not dye my hair once and see what the experience was like. and so, i did it in sep 99 - 4 months before i left service. it was, to a large extend, me challenging myself. and perhaps, to a smaller extend, challenging the system. to do that, i had to bleach it first for my head of hair was black, so black that no amount of dye would have any effect on it. i dyed it burgundy. it looked blackish brown in the room and in office. and everyone in office did not give a second look at it. but when i stepped into the sun, my hair glowed bright red! i looked like a brunette! and that was when i got lots of stares. it was rather funny! but of course, i acted blur.

secondly, immediately after leaving service in early-2000, i got myself a tattoo. again, i had previously stereotyped tattooed people as gangsters. anyway, i challenged myself again. i wanted to experience it. i wanted to experience how painful it. i had my tattoo done at heeren. it was a half hour process. the first pierce was the most memorable. and during the process, i perspired like nobody business as it felt like someone using a knife to slowly carve your skin. anyway, i decided that the tattoo should be at a place where i can see it if i want to and won't see it if i didn't want to. in a way, i want to not let it irk me sometime in the future... in the end, i got the tattoo done between my shoulders below my nape. i still have it today. and i still quite like it.

thirdly, i got my ear pierced. it was also something i thought i want to experience. i pierced my left ear. in fact, after all the hype, the process itself was a non-event. i had it done at wisma atria basement 1. walked into the shop, picked the stud, walked to the counter, the lady took out a puncher, placed it at my earlobe and snapped! it done. i had quite a bit of fun trying out different ear rings after that... now, i don't even bother to wear ear rings, the novelty has subsided. but i enjoyed the experience.

:-)

bak chang - endorsed

felt good. got an sms from mike (my friend who was posted to florida at the same time as me), asking if i will be making my "world best" bak chang this year. and at abt the same time, bee bee's mum asked him if i will be making bak chang cos she is looking forward to it... their queries tells me there are people out there who endorses and enjoys my bak chang. feels so good!

:-)

ps: i will not be making them out of respect for my dad.

insulted

felt so insulted... earlier, went to the pharmacy to buy some cranberry supplements. and when i went to the cashier, the cashier auntie asked: "do you have link card? can get points you know..." to which i replied: "no"... and she went on, in a very matter of fact manner: "are you over 50 years old? can get extra 5% discount." and before i can even answer, she added :"oh, sorry sorry, no more discount for you... cos the supplement you buying is already discounted..."

hmmph! and to think i went to have my haircut earlier. and hmmm, for the record, i am 42, turning 43 years old. and i look younger than my age...

:-|

no bak chang 2009

this year's 端午节 tuan wu jie falls on 28 may. and it is still within the 1-year period of my dad's demise. as such, i am not supposed to prepare bak changs (dumplings) like i did in previous years. understand from my mum last week that i should not do it is becos tying the dumplings is akin to tying my dad's heart...

hmmm. such another superstitions. anyway, i shan't do it out of respect for my dad. not becos of any reasons, superstitious or otherwise.

:-)

dementia

this is the news i have dreaded. it came today. i visited my mum as usual this sunday afternoon. i sat beside her and chatted. we spoke the usual daily mundane stuff and about her well-being. and when i asked about her medical appointments, she told me she had visited the hospital for a series of appointments last week. i asked what the doctor said. she couldn't tell, except that they spoke in english which she couldn't understand. and she added that her visits to the medical appointments were very expensive and related how she had to pay s$4.50 for her visit to sgh, and s$6.00 for her visit to the eye clinic, and so on. it sounded weird to me. i asked again if she really meant s$4.50. she repeated the same and added that it usually cost her only s$2.00. i asked again. and she repeated the same again. sensing something amiss, i called the domestic worker. and she said that the doctors had confirmed mum is showing early signs of dementia.

i learned from the domestic worker that my mum would mutter things to herself daily, how she would wake up at 1am, go for her shower and thought it was 7am, and how she would forget things she said. i felt very sad. i started tearing. but i tried to sound cheerful and pretended that all was normal. as the conversation went on, my mum told me that her memory is failing. she also told me how my brother would, at times, laugh at her for saying things that sounded illogical. the topic of the conversation moved to life; and death. mum told me she is old and that she does not have much time left. and since she brought up the topic about dying, i went further. i asked her if she is afraid. she said no. and i asked why. she said she is old and that death is a sure thing. it will come sooner or later. well, i know that it is important to talk to the old about dying, and i do it rather often to both my parents whenever i can. but that was when they were relatively healthier. now, my dad had passed on. and my mum is sick. somehow, talking about death now seemed so difficult.

i asked her what if she has any worries. and she said - no, nothing. except that she worries about not having enough money for her medical bills. and she added that she will not be able to leave me any money when she dies. i consoled her. i said that the last thing she should worry is her medical bills. and that as far as i am concern, after all these years of caring for me, it is my duty and my turn to provide for her and look after her when she is old, and that for now, she should focused on her well-being. i added that i do not expect anything from her. it was very cliched. but then again, i felt i needed to say it and i felt very sad. very very sad.

i cried as i drove home. perhaps my mind had over-played up the whole dementia thing. and perhaps i my mind had painted a picture that is too bleak. then again, i told myself i need to be positive and with whatever effort i have, i shall make it as smooth as it can for her. i reminded myself that nothing is permanent and that this perhaps is the start of mum's final journey. there is a start to life. and there is an end to life.

and i am tearing as i write this post.

:-(

breakfast @ t3

the usual question we would ask ourselves every weekend is - `today, go where for breakfast?'... and invariably, we would end up in bedok market, fengshan market, or simei. but today, bee bee suggested why not we go changi airport t3?... now why did we not thought about it earler? it was such a change considering thus far, our trips to the airport was only for dinners and suppers!

t3 in the morning is very different. or well, perhaps the place is the same, but the staff manning the different shops are different. there are a lot more people. and there's a sort of buzz that one don't feel at night. and of cos, with this different setting, ah kun toast tasted so much nicer too!

it's a good start to the sunday!

:-)

kl's birthday

t'was an interesting evening with beautiful people. dinner at crystal jade @ vivocity. kl's birthday celebration with kl, dan, schneider and bee. followed by drink and cakes at fullerton hotel. the little walk we took to clifford pier threw up quite a bit of surprises. the place is really chic and upmarket. modern chinese theme. must really visit the place for dinner sometime!

:-)

subscription money

i went to pay my annual subscription to the temple yesterday. usually this was done by my mum. but this year, she is too weak to do so and asked me to do it instead. so, it is my first after 42 plus years of existence. i supposed this subscription is in return for sheng-hong kong's (cheng huang laoye in hanyu pinyin) protection and blessings. and thinking about it, conceptually speaking, it is not very different from those protection money one pays to triads (choy choy choy, sacrilegious to compare gods to triads! it would probably be more appropriate for me to frame it as paying a subscription as a form of the commitment to support the temple's upkeeping and worshiping efforts).

:-)

bloodied urine

it happened on fri. but cleared in the evening. and then it happened on sat late afternoon again. weird looking. cloudy, brown, rusty. blood in urine. kl suggested i go for a medical follow-up. might be a more worrisome underlying cause.

better drown myself with lots of fluid. hmmm...

my silent protest

yesterday, i applied for an easisave account with ocbc. with this account in place, i can proceed to cancel my current account and my savings account with posbank/ dbs - an account that i had since primary 1... hmmm, more than 35yrs ago. i had to paste 10cents stamps daily and to submit my completed stamp card to save s$1... heh heh. then again, there is really nothing to get sentimental about. i just do not want to associate myself anymore with a bank that supports an anti-gay cause, in the guise of what they call `pro-family'.

:-)

clearing my office

i have cleared most of my stuff in my office yesterday. it looks bare now.

:-)

of dragonfruits & oranges

talking a lot but saying nothing! that was how i would describe a conversation i heard when i took the mass rapid transit (mrt) earlier this week. you see, i had sent my car for it's regular servicing. and in the later part of the afternoon, i took the mrt to collect my car. during the journey, two late-40's executives (men!) boarded the train. and as there was limited seats left, one of them had to stand. one of them sat beside me and the person he spoke with stood almost directly in front of me. and they spoke so loudly! and their conversation was one of the lamest i ever heard in a long long time. i sat there, shook my head, rolled my eyes and if i had not released my tension by sending smses, i would probably end up with some internal injury... here's a few lines of their 15min conversation:

mr a: today is tuesday.

mr b: ya, today is tuesday. and tomorrow is wednesday.

mr a: oh, i like to eat dragonfruit.

mr b: oh, dragonfruit? ya, it's nice, but it is a fruit right?

mr a: ya, it is a fruit. and i eat it often.

mr b: i heard it is not a very good nor healthy fruit.

mr a: oh, i eat the white dragonfruit one.

mr b: oh the white one huh? i heard got yellow one leh.

mr a: ya, and also got the red one...

well... i think you get the idea of how lame this conversation was... they went round and round and round about how fragrant dragonfruits are (or for that matter, the lack of any frangrance) for a good 5min plus. and after that, they started talking about oranges...

mr a: and by the way, i also eat orange.

mr b: oh is it? orange got big one, and small one oso...

la la la... sighs... and it was the very fact that becos the conversation was so lame, it became my focus. it got my attention. and i got so engaged with it. well, in a way, i think everyone was listening to it. and interestingly, the train seemed so quiet at that time. and damned it, i missed my stop in the end!

clearing leave

it's about 70days to leaving service. and finally, my boss gave the green light for me not to be involved in the new term that will be starting next week (originally my programme co-ordinator had insisted that i be included cos there is short of staff to undertake all the activities!).

hurray! but of cos, to be fair, i need to complete 2-3 more major projects before i can go for my leave. hope to be able to complete them in the next 3 weeks plus.

:-)

working late

i cannot believe this! it is close to 9pm and i am still in office working! and about 8, one of my colleague knocked on my door and started to discuss stuff with me. so unbecoming for a retiring personnel like me to be at work at this hour right?!

ok, the positive side of things - i stayed late cos there is a lot of work to do (what's new huh?). and amongst this pile of stuff is - to prepare a set of slides for my boss to brief my chief (who will be visiting us two weeks' time). and becos my colleague came to my office (at such hour), he shared with me his perspective of how the presentation can be approached. hmmm, fresh perspective, but yes, it certainly provided me another way to look through how my slides can be scoped.

:-)

blessings!

alamak! just kenah reminded by james my good friend that my postings are always so pessimistic and depressing and that i should have more positive postings. yup, looking at it, i think so too... i guessed it was negative experiences that fuel my motivation to write more than anything else. and becos i am naturally a more pessimistic person, my postings end up sounding extra negative.

hmmm, well, thanks to james, i will certainly try to capture more positive posting in addition to what i usually post. or at least, a more positive slant to how i should look at things. for a start, it's a blessing to have friends around who is open and sincere enough to point out to me areas to improve on. certainly, i do not know my blind spots until i am told of it. and even then, i will probably need constant reminders and cajouling to act on my blind spots and limitations.

thanks james!

:-)

ps: this is the watch james and not ice cream james or my ex james or my friend's brother james or my cousin james... hmmm, i certainly do have lotsa james in my life!

where the stars don't shine

i was driving alone on a well lit road last night. it was a one way road. hmmm, for that matter, i have not seen any turns branching out/ feeder road leading into this road for a long while since i started driving on it. not too far front from me, the row of street lights stopped. i reached the point and i slowed down. but i continued driving. the light from the last street lamp faded away. and the road got dimmer and dimmer.

before long, a fallen pine tree appear in front of me. i had to stop. the tree laid right across my path. from the look of it, it did not look like it was chopped down. rather, from the ill-defined, jagged edge of the broken trunk, it seemed like as though the tree was snapped by some huge celestial hands. i alighted from my car and with whatever strength i had, i pushed the tree aside. when i managed to clear sufficient width for my car, i squeezed through and i continued my journey.

the road after the fallen tree was literally black. there was no light. there were no stars. for that matter, even if there were stars, the light failed to penetrate the darkness. the blackness was so thick that i could not even make sense of my surroundings (the blackness reminded me of the story of "voyage of the dawn treader" in the chronicles of narnia). strangely enough, i was able to vaguely make sense of the road kerb not too far away. my sense of hearing took over my sense of sight as i drove on. i was literally navigating using my ears. the road was muddy, judging from the sounds my tyres made when it rowed over the road surface. the journey seemed never ending. worst of all, i did not know where i was heading. my only focus was that i needed to continue driving. and i couldn't turn back.

and then something happened. a dark grey figure flashed out from no where. it was faceless. it was wearing a victorian dress. it's sudden appearance shocked me. my instinct told me to accelerate. and... i ran over the figure. then, i heard an eerie scream... hmm, or was there a scream after all?...

i woke up... rudely shocked. scared. heartbeat racing and thumping hard. i broke into cold sweat... and it took me a while before i managed to calm myself down and coaxed myself back to sleep...

the pink dot & the line

"a dot" did not mean we have achieved what we had hoped for. nonetheless, it was significant. it was a defining moment. liberating. and certainly, something that we can all be proud of. and to me, it also marked the start of a beautiful picture. just as all fires start with a spark, all beautiful pictures start with "a dot". and i am sure the picture drawn with colours of the rainbow will be a beautiful one.

i have previously posted the story of "the dot & the line". and looking at it again, i couldn't help but think about "the line" that was recently so heatedly debated and "the dot" that was celebrated over the weekend! but of cos, the context of the story was different... then again, how wonderful it would be if "the line" could ever love the "the dot", or at least, accept "the dot"...

:-)

ignorance

over the past couple of weeks, khoon seng and i exchanged quite a bit of emails. but frankly, these mails were more one way where he was doing all the asking and i was doing all the answering. and all the questions centered around the issue of sexuality, or more specifically, homosexuality. the chain of mails started from sexuality education for kids, the role of parents to lifestyle of homosexuals. questions posed include "since when did you start to be gay?" (ans: i did not `start' to be gay at a particular point in time in my life, i was born gay), "as a parent, how can i better talk to my kids about sexuality?" (ans: give the facts objectively, state your views/ stand, and explain the reasons), and so on. i gave my answers. objectively, not in a pro-homosexual, nor anti-religion manner. i impressed upon him that the value judgment must come from him, based on his beliefs and values.

it was indeed a very good conversation. and occasionally i would share with bee bee what we discussed. he was rather amazed at how patient i was with the questions which, at times, sounded rather offensive. frankly, there were one or two occasions where i felt offended. but reflecting, i think the questions arose from ignorance (such as bisexuals have both male and female reproductive organs), stereotypes (eg lesbians are all tomboys and gays are all effeminate people), or gross generalisation of perceptions (eg hiv incidents are higher amongst drug users, hiv are higher amongst msms, and therefore gay men are drug users) or even very conservative christian-based views.

i guess bee might not understand me as to why i had kept my patience and continued with the conversation. being patient and explaining the details to khoon seng, or, for that matter, anyone who are open or bothered to engage me in such conversation is one small way i could contribute to eradicate ignorance amongst my friends and the community in general. for every person whom i can share my perspective, i am sure i will be able to help cultivate a society that is more inclusive, a society that accepts my existence. even if they do not necessary accept my sexuality.

pink dot singapore

i cried when i watched this clip.

disturbing

ref my earlier posting on "i teach gp, not homosexuality", i have just learnt that the lady "lisa li" (supposedly a gp teacher) who posted it has been forced by the education ministry to remove the post after some "anonymous" person/s made a complain.

frankly, i am not surprised by this reaction from the ministry although i am rather disturbed about it (if is indeed true, and i see no reason not to believe so). firstly, yes, i do understand the need for responsible postings by public servants. but based on her reflections, my opinion is that she has been very objective when she stated her views and that her stand that all facts need to be provided in order for the subject to be robustly thought through is a logical one. isn't this what gp is all about? secondly, what did this act of the ministry signal? that public servants no longer have the ability to share their individual point of views?

hmmmph!

i teach gp, not homosexuality

i found this interesting reflection by a lady in facebook (a teacher i supposed) and have published here for keepsake. not too sure who she is, but certainly, i like the way she articulated her thoughts. and from her writings and the comments posted, it tells me there are very diverse views out there. and this is a very good way to get people to talk about these often considered taboo issues.

=====
With all due respect to the well-meaning “concerned parents” out there, this is starting to sound like a dodgy GP essay to me.

Apparently, because my students and I “discuss topics such as the legalisation of gay marriage and parents of the same sex forming families through adoption” in class, I am guilty of promoting homosexuality.*

Right.

But never mind. MOE has already come to the rescue with their statement that “GP lessons are meant to promote critical thinking” and GP teachers “should also adhere to social norms and values of our mainstream society”.*

Oh yes, apparently one can facilitate critical thinking, that is, the reasoned questioning of assumptions, norms and values AND fully reinforce and adhere to social norms at the same time.

And wait, I see this again, in the debate on sexuality education and just what should be said about homosexuality:

1. Homosexuality is against the social norms and values of mainstream society.
2. Homosexuality is illegal and considered unnatural under Singapore law.

The first thing any student of GP (or indeed, any human being who knows anything about world history) will realise, is that social norms change.

Secondly, if you insist on going by “mainstream” values and beliefs, you may like to follow 43% of Singaporeans and look to Buddhism, which views homosexuality on neutral grounds, as opposed to Christianity (15%) and Islam (15%).

In any case, the legal argument will only hold as long as homosexual acts are considered illegal in Singapore.... and judging from the force of change in the world, frankly my dear, you can't hold the dam for much longer.

Singapore's law criminalising homosexual acts is based on British law – which decriminalised this in 1967.

Other countries which have decriminalised homosexuality include France (1791), The Netherlands (1811), Brazil (1830), Ottoman Empire (1858), Germany (1871), Japan (1880), Italy (1889), USSR (1922), Denmark (1930), Iceland (1940), Switzerland (1942), Sweden (1944), Greece (1951), Thailand (1956), Israel (1963), Chad (1967), Canada (1969), Kosovo (1970), Australia (1981), South Africa (1994), China (1997) etc.

This shows an increasing acceptance that personal preferences that do not harm anyone else should not be governed (in this case, criminalised) by the state. As with the wearing away of all other forms of inequality, I believe this discrimination of homosexuals cannot last.

So what are we left with?

Are we justifying a brand of education with reasons that won't hold weight for much longer?

You may argue that making something legal doesn't make it right, and you have a point.

But then that would depend on what you consider “right”, which really is a moral issue and one that concerns personal belief.

So I have two points for you:

1. Personal beliefs – religious or otherwise – should not influence the laws of a secular society. The onus is on parents and preachers to educate their children in these beliefs. Say what you want at the pulpit, not in Parliament, and certainly, do not foist this responsibility onto your child's teachers in secular schools.

2. It is unfair, impractical and dangerous to insist that youths be given only the old rules when they live in a completely different world. Parents, if you insist on a black-and-white moral education for your children, you only drive them into secrecy when they need you most. If teachers cannot teach openly and factually, rest assured that the internet will.

As an educator and maybe future parent, I admit I am less concerned about whether my children are homosexual/ transsexual/ (fill in the blank) or not, and more concerned that they should always respect others and themselves, never discriminate, always critically examine issues, always feel free to share their thoughts with me without fear of condemnation, always love and always be loved no matter what.

This is my hope.

signed: author of this post
11 May 2009

PS. If you think your children will rush to become homosexual/transsexual/(fill in the blank) because of my words, I THANK YOU for crediting me with such influence! By the way, your children are smarter than you think....

* Quoted from "AWARE sex guide suspended" (ST, 7 May 2009)
http://www.straitstimes.com/Breaking%2BNews/Singapore/Story/STIStory_373422.html

fish soup

i had fish soup for dinner. my first non-vegetarian meal since 26 apr. actually felt a little uneasy. had gotten so used to eating non-meat diet. will do half day vegetarian whenever i can.

:-)

choices?

i often hear groups speaking against homosexuality and their stand that homosexuality is about choices, and that a homosexual can become a heterosexual if they want to. my immediate reaction would be - totally stupid! totally baseless! i cannot connect with such a claim because i am a living proof that i was born gay! i had tried to date girls, i had tried to initiate relationships with girls... but in the end, it would be a case of going out with girls, but looking at guys. ha ha... also, my relationships with girls would always end up more of brother-sister/ buddy relationship more that anything else! anyway, back to the topic...

and when i do sit down and ask myself, why do these people insist that sexuality is about choices and what made them so adamant that it is something one can choose, some possible reasons came to my mind - could it be becos (1) they have counselled people and people chose to lead a life with a member of the opposite sex? (2) it is against their religious believes? (3) misinformation? (4) lack of information aka ignorance? (5) claims in the guise of unfounded fear? (heard some idiotic claims from some ill-informed homophobics that being with/ talking to a gay man can turn one gay! reading books that talked about gay stuff will turn one gay!... pure absurdity!) but i guess all these are possibilities. ignorance and fear can do wonders to rational-thinking people. and i am pretty sure if they are not gay, they would probably be in the "i don't know what i don't know" quadrant of johari's window... and it would certainly be a case of us (gays) talking to people who absolutely do not know what they are talking about! and this mean, we will never ever be able to make them understand, much less, to accept our existence!

then again, i ask - if they had already been given all the information, why then, did they not accept? was it becos they can claim they have proof of people who claimed they have been converted? or it is still based on some very strong moral believes that might possibly be irrational/ illogical? and i reflected again... and i concluded that it could possibly be! but i do also conclude one more thing - and it became rather clear to me.... thus far - the discussion has been very focused on homosexuals and heterosexuals... and when the debate only focus on these two extremes, there is no way to meet. they have left out the whole idea of bisexuality! and those who claimed they are homosexuals and have been successfully been converted could possibly be bisexuals! and the presence of these bisexuals therefore became the convenient (misguided) proof that homosexuals can be converted! and therefore, as in all human nature, i see what i want to see, i believe what i want to believe.

gee, is bisexuality the missing link? perhaps as a community, we should start talking about bisexuality too to provide a balance and more holistic approach to the discussion. i am dead sure that once bisexuality is brought in, many of the heterosexuals would take a step back and reflect... and probably become better informed about the many different shades of grey!

ps: as a homosexual, i am dead sure i cannot ever be aroused by a woman. so to me, it is absolutely not about choices. i am dead sure no amount of brainwashing can make me wanna sleep with women much as those alpha-male heterosexuals will never sleep with men despite all sorts of coaxing. and i am dead sure about it.

missed calls

woke up this morning and got a shock... 27 missed calls!

it was from a private number! it could only be from my mum or my bro (my bro's hp and home numbers are all `private'). i got worried. could something have happened to my mum? i called my bro's home. no one answered the phone. called again. same. no answers. and so i decided to try calling my mum's hp number. something that i seldom do cos my mum would keep it switched off most of the time (she took over my dad's hp after his passing away)... it rang! rang a couple of times and someone picked up the call. after a momentary silence, "harlo?!" the domestic helper went. yes, this time, i got real worried. why did my mum not answer the phone? i asked for my mum. "okey sir, please waitta mohment..." and my mum came to the line.

what big sigh of relief! confirmed that she was the one who called. and when asked why she called - oh, i just wanted to tell you not to visit me so early as the maid will be bringing me to the market... !!!

sighs...

refuge-taking

i have wanted to take refuge for the longest time. to explain in layman's term, the simplest explanation i can think of is that taking-refuge is something akin to getting baptised for the catholics. it formalises a person's commitment to the buddha, his teachings (the dharma), and his followers (the sangha). this, to me is the closest i can get to making my commitment to what i beleive in short of getting myself ordained as a monk. no, i am not ready for that. i first suggested this to my mum sometime in the late 80s/ early 90s. but she suggested i should put it off until i am very certain i want to do it. and when i brought it up again couple of years later, she told me to same. i have since not brought it up to her.

sometime last month, i brought it up to my mum again. she did not disagree. neither did she ask me to put it off. instead, she told me of the commitments i have to make if i did it and that i should not turn back if i did it. in a way, her not asking me to put it off is a signal to me about her approval. this was significant to me. i want to have her blessings when i do it. last week, i went to the temple to check the dates and how i can go about registering for it. have been advised to check the website for details. the next refuge taking ceremony is in early august.

:-)

vesak 2009

finally completed the 3-steps-1-bow ritual this morning. arrived at 9.30pm and did not start till 1.45am. by the time we ended, it was close to 3.30am. somehow, this year's walk was different. the weather was terrible - humid and windless, there was a larger than usual turn out - largest i have seen in my 19 yrs doing it. guessed it's the economic crisis. people tend to turn more to religion during hard times i supposed.

but well, it was a good ceremony nonetheless.

:-)

vegetarianism

this is my 13th day being a vegetarian. it's the same with bee. it's a commitment i made this year as part of the build up towards celebrating vesak.

in the first few days, bee told himself he should also avoid garlic. and when i asked why, he explained that going vegetarian as a buddhist means having to also avoid garlic altho he was not very clear of the reasons. well, i don't buy that. to me, all the different practises such as cannot take beef (as a respect for the cow who tills your land), cannot take starfruit (as it represents the heart of the buddha), cannot take garlic (as it is deemed an antiseptic and kills bacteria) etc etc etc are largely self-imposed and are to a large extend culturally influenced. and i do not prescribe to these.

to me, my thoughts about going vegetarian is very simple, very fundamental - that i should avoid taking lives and/or reduce the demands for people out there to kill/ take lives (butchers, fishermen, etc). simple as that. that, to me, is the fundamental reasons behind why i want to go vegetarian as i celebrate vesak this year. and of course, if this fundamental reason is not clear, we will invariably end up with questions such as if you really want to be a vegetarian, then why have vegetarian pork?

:-)

going botak

once again this vesak, i have gone botak (crew cut). and as in previous years, as my hairdresser cut my hair, thoughts such as will i look ugly came to my mind... and i would once again remind myself of the reasons why i had to cut botak on vesak. yes, there is no requirement for people to go crew cut for vesak. but to me, the hair is something most people take great pains to groom, to style. and so, by cutting it off, it is a symbolic act to remind myself that vanity is something that i must be in control of. it helps me look inward, helps remind me to go back to my true sense of self-being. that as i person, i need to improve and reflect inwards and purify myself, i should not indulge in vanity/ desire, i should understand and accept impermanence and of the transcient nature of things.

happy vesak day one and all!

sad

it's been a week... and still, i am seeing lots of people blasting away at aware (association for women's action and research)... and i see it online in many forums (such as those in reach singapore) as well as in the newspapers. and i feel very very sad. the following was what i noted:

• the conservatives - in the forums, i noted that those who kept on and on were the same few individuals. and they kept going on and on about how they, the `majority', felt about the `issue'. i wonder if these some very vocal few (whole called themselves very concerned parents) can really represent the majority as they had claimed. and they kept on and on about how the old guard was not rite and how they have sinister agenda... and how righteous and courageous josie lau had been to champion their cause, how josie lau had raised the awareness of aware's programmes to the public la la la.... and i wonder - since the egm was open to all women in singapore and they are so vocal, why did they not make their voice heard by attending the egm and voting for josie lau? did this not make them sore losers?

• "the issue" - i placed this in inverted comma above because when i read the forums and the papers, it seemed like most of the people posting their views are not even sure of the issue itself. this was made worse by their lack of knowledge about what they were discussing. the issues discussed focused a lot on how aware had tried to promote homosexuality; but the facts got twisted along the way and build upon itself until the whole issue became something that is totally untrue. there were even people (again, the concerned parents) who wondered if there was a conspiracy between the ministry of education and aware to try to covertly convert their sons and daughters to homosexuals... it seemed that they failed to recognise that they play the most important part in their child's sexuality education. and their postings reflected their ignorance more than anything else. if this was true and that people can be converted, singapore would have been a gay country long long time ago lo... another interesting post went on about how singapore's birthrate had dropped and how this was because people are all becoming gays and lesbians. such ignorance. i laughed a sad laugh.

• the character - and what saddened me even more was the fact that there were many name-callings in the forums. between those (who come across as conservatives and often christians) against those who felt the issues was blown out of proportion, between those (again, those conservatives) against aware old guard, between those (yes, again, those conservatives) and singaporeans at large who did not subscribe to their believes. i was particularly shocked when i read a post that called the old guard "dogs". did this not say a lot about the maturity of these self-claimed "righteous and high moral-value concerned parents"? such irony.

after reading these postings, i question the morals of these people, i question what their religious organisations had taught them about respect and love for their fellow human-beings, i question their self-proclaimed righteousness.

i pity their ignorance. i pity their children. above all, i pity them.

funeral procession

last weekend, on our way back from our breakfast in bedok south, we experienced a small traffic congestion. not a jam per se. just a slow down... and way in front, we saw a convoy of buses, all moving very slowly. and when we drove closer, we realized it was a funeral procession. and i was surprised to see it. it was a funeral procession that i believe not many younger singaporeans have witnessed. and i am sure it is something that will probably disappear altogether in the next couple of years or so. some of the things that we saw include

• a long convoy of cars and buses for mourners and well-wishes

• mourners wearing the traditional mourning clothes. the ones where children wear beige, daughter-in-laws wear beige and draped with sand-bag material scarves, and where positions in the family are marked clearly by different mourning patches worn on the sleeves (eg son's children wear blue patches, daughter's children wear blue patches with red center, grand children wear blue, great grand children wear green and so on and so forth)

• coffin bearers carrying the coffin and marching behind the hearse for a long stretch on the main road before it was placed on the hearse.

• a hearse that is decorated to the nines with all sorts of coloured ornaments

• contingent of traditional chinese orchestra/ band

• contingent of western band

• 2 big-head dolls

• contingent of girls carrying flower baskets

• contingent of stilt walkers

• contingent of uncles carrying placards

• contingent of huge bamboo-poled flags

it was an interesting sight. something that i had not seen for quite a while. used to be a common sight before the 80s but not anymore. people tend to want things simple now. elaborate ceremonies are dying out... and for that matter, even the people who form the contingents are largely not singaporeans. they are largely outsourced. and amongst them, i noted, were people from china and malaysia. and if i guess correctly, a significant lot of these sub-contractors who provide such services are based in malaysia.

:-)

temperature taking

we are now at level orange. and so, it's back to temperature taking twice a day!

testimonial

frankly, i am quite amazed (still am getting surprises even after 20-over years with my organisation) at the amount of beauracracy we have in the system. you see, some time last month, i recieved an email from my headquarters hr personnel asking me to prepare a draft testimonial for my organisation chief to endorse. couple of hours later, she wrote me another email telling me that since i had less than 12 yrs service from the date i returned, i am not entitled to it...

hmmm, yes i left my organisation for a yr plus in 2000. but in all, i had served close to 24 yrs. and now, she tells me i am not quailified. after a few exchanges of emails, i decided i should just talk to her boss; and if need be, to talk to my chief myself. and that solved the issue for he wrote back to me telling me that he will facilitate the process... so, finally, i am now starting to draft my own testimonial for my chief to sign.

sighs... i supposed such things occur in big organisations like mine. then again, as the hq hr staff, she has all my records of service and should have looked into the details before putting me through all these unnecessary ding donging of emails. and it is small things like this that makes the whole transition a lesser than positive experience for many of us. i just think hr personnel needs to be a bit more sensitive as they deal with human beings; and not objects.

last lecture

today, i delivered my last lecture.

88 days to go...

unmotivated

i feel so unmotivated. everything around me seemed so gloomy.

in the recent months, i have been feeling unsettled. unsettled due to issues relating to health, family, myself, my job, my career transition, and so on. and increasingly, i am also finding myself getting stressed up by my work where everything seemed to happen at the same time and everyone seemed to be rushing to get things done. there has also been a strong feeling that there is misalignment of interest between management and us. this was made worst by the fact that there has been no focused communications amidst the high demands from my students, and so on. very unsettling. i have also been distracted by my impending departure from my organisation. i think my work demands daily has somewhat impacted me to be able to start my job hunting. i also think i myself lack the motivation to move things. to start looking for a job, to do stuff to improve myself, to network, la la la. and the current economic environment is certainly not helping...

ok, ok... my writings not very smooth, the flow is bad and possibly incoherent at some point or other. just too lazy to organize my thought and synthesize something more readable. arghhhh, i just feel so unmotivated.

wtf!

i am aware

had followed the developments of aware (association for woman's action and research) and it culminated in the egm held in suntec city yesterday. i was literally glued to my computer for a good 4hrs in the afternoon. in my training over the last 20 over years, never had i been so engrossed in monitoring developments of a situation by looking at short messages so intently. and i was so glad that in the end, logic, truth and common sense prevails.

:-)

vegetarian week

it's been a week since bee bee and i started our vegetarian diet. and it has been an interesting week. and i must say - singapore is not really vegetarian friendly... or perhaps it is, but in this one week, we often find ourselves asking ourselves where we can find vegetarian food.

otherwise, i think we are managing it well.

:-)

neverwhere

current book i am reading - neil gaiman's neverwhere

黃昏

it is difficult for me to describe this song "黃昏" - 周傳雄 (小剛). the first time i heard it, it made no major impression on me. the tune catches on only after listening a few times to it. but i have fallen in love with this song since my days in selarang. and i am not too sure why, but whenever i listen to this song, i feel like crying. it quietens me down. very fast.

黃昏
周傳雄 (小剛)
曲︰周傳雄 詞︰陳信榮 編︰周傳雄

過完整個夏天　
憂傷並沒有好一些
開車行駛在公路無際無邊
有離開自己的感覺

＊唱不完一首歌　
疲倦還剩下黑眼圈
感情的世界傷害在所難免
黃昏再美終要黑夜

＃依然記得　
從你口中說出再現堅決如鐵
昏暗中有種烈日灼身的錯覺
黃昏的地平線　劃出一句離別
愛情進入永夜

＋依然記得　
從你眼中滑落的淚傷心欲絕
混亂中有種熱淚燒傷的錯覺
黃昏的地平線　割斷幸福喜悅
相愛已經幻滅

重唱　＊,＃,＋,＃,＋

值得

at the rate i am going, i think my facebook and/ or my blog will be filled with my coming out songs... this is one more that i'd just heard from the radio!

值得 (zhi de) 
by 鄭秀文 (sammi cheng)
曲：黃明洲 
詞：廖瑩如 
編：錢幽蘭 

關於你好的壞的
都已經聽說
願意深陷的是我
沒有確定的以後
沒有誰祝福我
反而想要勇敢接受
愛到哪裡都会有人犯錯
希望錯的不是我
其實心中沒有退路可守
跟著你錯跟著你走
我們的故事愛就愛到值得
錯也錯的值得
愛到翻天覆地也会有结果
不等你說更美的承諾
我可以對自己承諾
我們的故事愛就愛到值得
錯也錯的值得
是執著是灑脫
留給別人去說
用盡所有力氣不是為我
那是為你才這麼做

end of 4th yr

today is the last day of our 4th year together.
tomorrow, we celebrate our 4th anniversary!

:-)

nature's revenge

clearing of rainforests, extinction of countless flora and fauna species, co2 emission, over-fishing, changes to ecological balance, global warming and many more. and most, if not all, can be traced to human activities... human interventions to what is commonly called - mother nature.

natural disasters, increased hurricanes, tornadoes, typhoons, earthquakes, volcano eruptions, tsunamis, exponential mutations of bacteria and viruses, mad cow disease, civet cats, sars, bird flu, swine flu... and many more. human sufferings - both directly or indirectly - as a result of human interventions to nature.

hmmm, i can only say this - nature is fighting back!

cough cough...

cough starting again... think my asthma is working up again... better start using my pump.

vegetarian

for the next 15 days, i'll be abstaining from meat...

i am who i am

someone in facebook by the name of ethan lim wrote this. i can totally identify with what he wrote and i am publishing it here. he wrote:

I got a headache reading the Straits Times this morning, there was so much drama from AWARE. I was saddened at how the misguided passions of a few can fracture society so badly through hate and fear. Slowly the ugly truth behind the whole farce is showing. Its bewildering to think that anyone can disavow any agenda when your "mentor" has come forward to claim responsibility for a hijacking of a group (not of her own) due to concerns that the group has moved towards activities that she finds personally disagreeable. Somalian pirates hijack ships (not of their own) and demand ransom - that's piracy. Taliban and Al Qaeda groups hijack planes (not of their own) to drive their own agenda against governments that they disagree with. There is a term for this - terrorism. In our uniquely Singapore context, we have our own ideological terrorist battles right here for the hearts and minds of Singaporeans.

Reading the front-page news about how Dr Thio Su Mien fears for the health and state of well-being of AWARE kindled a sense of de javu. I remembered how her daughter former NMP Thio Li-ann feared for the health and state of our population not too long ago in Parliament and how she felt it was her personal duty to defend the innocent from "straw-sucking" homosexuals. And now the mother is in the limelight too, instead of taking the crusade at the forefront, she has groomed a series of younger women to be her champions. I think she must have felt it was easier to conquer civic groups through her proxies then to stage a coup in the Singapore Parliament.

Our PAP government did a commendable job valiantly battling against racial prejudice and religious and cultural discrimination. They managed to lessen the coloured perception that preoccupies so much of humanity. Today in Singapore, we are less concerned with whether our neighbours being Malays, Chinese or Indians per se and more with the realities of close-proximity urban living - Are they noisy? rowdy? Will they increase crime rates? Yet these pragmatic concerns are invariably coloured with some prejudices and it is these prejudices that will take a far longer time to erase through conscious civic education by all the share-holders of society - government, civic groups, parents, teachers, friends and loved ones. This battle is on-going and will be for some time to come, as our PM and SM has so recently attested to.

Unfortunately I think our government itself may have inadvertently sowed the seeds for this particular fault line of discrimination a long time ago when it tolerated the so-called "conservative masses" and continued the anachronistic laws enshrining discrimination in our social conscience and attitudes. Once you start cutting up and dividing society according to labels and lines, there will be no end to it. Eventually these lines will become fault lines of conflicts and eruption of violence. And that violence can spread and threaten all of our society.

There is however nothing "conservative" about intolerance, ignorance, fear and hate. I think the problem with Singapore policy-makers is to mistake ignorance and fear for conservatism and to perpetuate the inertia from moving out of our sterilised comfort zones and talk about things that are potentially upsetting yet enlightening. Every time there is a move to liberalise laws, guidelines and processes there is very often an appendem, almost apologetic, to the "conservative masses" who "are not ready". And therein lies the problem of using these unseen "conservatives" to sweep the problem under the carpet and not talk about it and wish the problem will just goes away. Unfortunately wishing ignorance and prejudice away and trying to pretend it doesn't exist very often only makes it worse. Letting sleeping dogs lie isn't always the best, very often you can't tell dead dogs from sleeping dogs until you prod them. Dead dogs rot and spread contagion and even healthy dogs can eventually fall ill. Not prodding and discussing openly about the things that matters only spreads ignorance, rumours and myths which are eventually twisted into misguided warnings and threats begetting fear and hate. It is a vicious cycle that our enlightened leaders had the foresight to deal with when it came to racism and religion but clearly live in the closet when it came to sex and sexual orientation.

Society matures when it can tolerate differing views aired in intellectual discourse and at the end of the day we agree to lead our different lives in the way that we do, free to celebrate our lives and our loves in the way we need to and want without being a danger to others. Unfortunately the call to arms is very often used by those who hold deep-seated prejudices to subvert society's self-preservation stance to their own machinations. The claim is a simple "they are a threat to our society/ our way of life" and this will be backed by various half-truths and pseudo-truths. Careful examination will reveal these fallacies held together by mis-applied facts for what they are. Truth is very often dry and boring and these fanciful claims are often more viscerally targeted and appealing, pricking our primal emotions of love and protection. And what can be more disturbing than threats to our children? So if someone shouts "Fire!", every parent's response will be to look for his child first and ensure their child's safety. Facts and truth take a lower priority and never mind if there is no fire. This is a natural response, but this reflex can often be perverted. What we needs is to guard against is perversion by the very person who shouts "Fire!"

Read deeper into what Dr Thio said and what she said is very dangerous because it is a message spawned of her own ignorance, prejudice and fear and it is a message that will divide our society. It is reported that she was "absolutely outraged" that a "group of women who just wanted to contribute to society" are now facing "ferocious attacks"? She has already launched her first offensive in the takeover of a peaceful civic group with such outrageous tactics and now she plays the part of a hurt martyr to win sympathy votes when the public turns on her? She is even better than Osama.

Those of you who are reading this and have children, have your children came back from school telling you they want to be frogs and bees or would like to marry a chimpanzee simply because they have been taught about animals and their sex life in school? Yet Dr Thio would have you believe that because homosexuality is regarded as a neutral word and not a negative word in schools that your sons and daughters will run home wanting to marry the same-sex. Dr Thio's simplistic arguments does her years as a lawyer a great injustice. If it was so simple to teach people who to marry and who to love and what to do, Singapore will not be facing such a dire problem of population replacement. And we all know how obedient Singaporeans can be.

If Dr Thio is to be believed, then gays and lesbians are nothing more than those children who have been abused and tortured by their families vis-a-vis abusive fathers and such. To her, homosexuals are "in pain" and come about as the "daughters revolt" and "rebel against society", I wonder if she has put the wheel before the cart. I agree that homosexuals are in pain, but we are in pain not because we are homosexuals but because of the homophobia and ignorance and fear instilled in our parents and who inflict this pain of discrimination on their own children. Her efforts to tie homosexuality to domestic abuse is flawed as there are an abundance of children who are homosexuals without a history of family/parental abuse and many who are heterosexuals who have been abused. Her arguments are aimed to raise pity and to spread the myth that homosexuality is merely a result of a disordered/ adolescent psyche and that it can be eradicated. She goes on to say "We understand this is what it's all about", I'm quite afraid she doesn't. She has only been privileged to see a segment of life of some troubled youths and proudly declare she is an expert on this subject and that she knows all about us. No, Dr Thio, you are seriously deluded. Even I as a medical doctor and a homosexual myself who have grappled with society's discrimination and still come to accept myself as a homosexual does not know everything there is to know about homosexuality and I have lived, breathed and spend more days with homosexuals than you can dare to imagine. And yet, I have not the hubris to declare that i know "what it's all about".

I am gay too, but that's not all that I am. It is a part of me but it doesn't define who I am. I am also chinese, a free-thinker, a doctor, a son, a lover, a volunteer, a brother, a nephew, cousin, someone loved by my family and friends, someone I would like to think who is looked up by his peers and colleagues, someone who has caught fighting spiders in bushes of 1980s and guppies in our longkangs of a bygone era. Someone who had a fairly normal childhood with fairly traditional parents not afraid to use the cane for discipline. Someone who has spend much of his childhood with books at the National Library in Stamford Road. Someone who has gone to primary school, secondary school, JC and university like thousands of other children in Singapore. Someone who has given tuition and waited at tables during his school days to earn some pocket money. Someone who laughs, crys and has dreams, hopes and aspirations too. I am in every conceivable way a working, normal, functional human male.. and I am also gay. And under Singapore law, I am also a criminal, albeit one who pays my taxes and works for the communal good.

Maybe I am pandering to fear as well, just as Dr Thio Li-Ann panders to the fears of many sexually conservative and naive parents to drive her own misconstrued agenda to prevent gays from "taking over the world". Who in the right mind wants to take over the world? All we want to do is live and and fall in love in our own way. But for all the discrimination, homosexuals might as well be outer space aliens, Afro-Americans or even Jews, for the same message was used in targetting these groups of people for inhuman acts of discrimination: "We will drive you out!". Hitler used fairly much the same language when he addressed the worried German people in the 1930s. Yes, I fear too, I fear that history will repeat itself and that the lessons of yesteryears of the tears, anguish, sorrow and horror will go un-heeded. Maybe the concentration camps of Aushwitz or the labour camps of Dachau will never materialise again in this world of internet and cyber-fanatics but no one could have imagined that a failed painter from Vienna would one day rise to be one of the world's most infamous dictator and fascist.

I fear, like Dr Thio Li-Ann, that what we hold dear to us will be destroyed by others. But i will not let this fear spur me to discriminate others or to call for their removal, their extinction, or termination or to "cure" them. Instead I will let it galvanise me to speak up for space and tolerance. To learn to love and let live. To respect each other and learn to appreciate each others for our differences and make us truly believe that every single one of us matters.

Evil is to have the power to change something for the better yet do nothing. I beseech the authorities and those who can to take a stand against hate, fear and prejudice and to act decisively in such a manner to leave no question of where our country is, that we will not be divided by race, religion and certainly not by gender, sex and sexual orientation. That we will neither judge a person from where he or she comes from nor by what he or she was born to be.

posted here with permission from ethan lim
(this is one of my very rare recent post where i use capital letters)

monster revealing

in one of my post back when there was this whole 377a debate, i wondered aloud if there were indeed monsters amongst us... and i quote what i wrote:

"whatever the outcome of the 377a debate, the whole process is in itself a huge boost and success insofar as raising the awareness of gays and their plight in singapore is concerned. most importantly, to me, the biggest takeaway for us as a society, if i may suggest, is the revealing of the many monsters that exist in our midst; and that, if not nibbed at its bud, might tear our society apart eventually. i really think the authorities better look and scrutinize some of these issues than just treat this as a gay rights/ equality issue."

well, if you ask me now, i would say one of the monster is revealing itself (or rather, more appropriately - herself). yes, the whole debate is healthy and also yes, the gay community perhaps is in the limelight again (for rite or wrong reasons). and yes, we can already see and feel the tensions being created in the society... and as a gayman caught in the middle of this whole saga (not by choice), i must confess that i am feeling a little fatigue. i just want to live my life... in peace.

'cuse me 'cuse me...

the last time i did my audiometry test (aug 07), my left ear was found to be high-pitch deaf. but after some checks, the doctor passed my medical check up. once again today, i did my audiometry test. the test showed that not only was my left ear high-pitch deaf, even my right ear has lost the ability to detect high pitch too. hmmm... by rite, i should be worried and upset. but given the experience of my left ear, the new development did not frighten me. i took it as that - yup, my condition had worsened. and wow, i thought - talk about incremental (or perhaps more appropriately - detrimental) change in health conditions... then again, i cannot do any about it... so, move on. and hmmm, i actually laughed about it!

it's a sign of aging. i am sure about it. much as it had started, the worsening will come. and perhaps someday, i will get more spare parts breaking down. and perhaps someday the checks will show i have some growth somewhere... possible. very possible. it's all part of life. we come, we go. and i am no longer upset by it... in fact, this awareness helped me appreciate my current state of being. yes, i appreciate the fact that i can sit up, i can walk, i can talk, i can hear, i can type this post... yes, i am relatively healthy. much healthier than some. i am much healthier than many!

:-)

my interview

my big boss called me up for an interview yesterday. it was supposed to be for my performance last year. but given that i will be leaving my organisation in 3 months, i decided to scope the interview towards a feedback session. so, i wrote him a 5-page email in the morning. my email covered a list of suggestions about how we can move forward and how we can improve things. the interview took a little more than 2 hours. but at the end of the interview, i realised that he already had some rather fixed mindsets about things. so, to a certain extend, i felt like i had wasted my time. but on the other hand, it felt good cos i have shared my thoughts. and of cos, my big boss thanked me for my contributions repeatedly, told me he felt i was one of the strongest, if not the strongest amongst my colleagues la la la...

the interview ended with him showing me my last year's performance report. the report was written my by immediate superior. frankly, i didn't quite bother about what was written. there were some short liners. i noted i was ranked one of the bottom few. it was totally opposite of what he had just said. then again, it was to be expected. that is the system. regardless of how good i had done, the fact that i'll be leaving is constant. there is no point ranking me well. rewards should be given to those who will be staying. no use in rewarding people who are spend and useless. but one word jumped out and this word was written against the line about my weak areas - it read "he is too principled". i thought about it and asked - isn't being principled good? in my line (education and curriculum development), isn't everything is about being systematic? systematic in analyzing needs, in identifying gaps and designing of instructional approaches to fill these gaps?... it baffled me.

as i laid on my bed last night, it struck me why it was reflected as such. as mentioned, the report was written by my immediate superior. he had time and again asked me to consider staying on in my organisation, and if i had wanted to move on, i should consider staying on in a non-uniformed position. i politely refused. he had since been asking me for my reasons and had probed many a times. given that he was not aware of my sexuality and the extend to which i had been monitored and managed by my security department, i had to think of all sorts of cock and bull stories to tell him. and when everything else fail, i just told him that i do not agree with how things are moving. and so, based on my principles, i shall leave my organisation and not want to have any further dealings with it. so i guess that was why he reflected "too principled" as my weakness.

this was my conclusion. he is my friend. i had known him since my uni days. i am not close to him but our long acquaintance certainly tells me that his asking me to continue with my organisation stems from his good intentions. and i thank him for it. and so, i was misunderstood again perhaps. but then again, there is no need for me to elaborate nor divulge to him my real reasons. let's just leave it at that.

:-)