this is the news i have dreaded. it came today. i visited my mum as usual this sunday afternoon. i sat beside her and chatted. we spoke the usual daily mundane stuff and about her well-being. and when i asked about her medical appointments, she told me she had visited the hospital for a series of appointments last week. i asked what the doctor said. she couldn't tell, except that they spoke in english which she couldn't understand. and she added that her visits to the medical appointments were very expensive and related how she had to pay s$4.50 for her visit to sgh, and s$6.00 for her visit to the eye clinic, and so on. it sounded weird to me. i asked again if she really meant s$4.50. she repeated the same and added that it usually cost her only s$2.00. i asked again. and she repeated the same again. sensing something amiss, i called the domestic worker. and she said that the doctors had confirmed mum is showing early signs of dementia.
i learned from the domestic worker that my mum would mutter things to herself daily, how she would wake up at 1am, go for her shower and thought it was 7am, and how she would forget things she said. i felt very sad. i started tearing. but i tried to sound cheerful and pretended that all was normal. as the conversation went on, my mum told me that her memory is failing. she also told me how my brother would, at times, laugh at her for saying things that sounded illogical. the topic of the conversation moved to life; and death. mum told me she is old and that she does not have much time left. and since she brought up the topic about dying, i went further. i asked her if she is afraid. she said no. and i asked why. she said she is old and that death is a sure thing. it will come sooner or later. well, i know that it is important to talk to the old about dying, and i do it rather often to both my parents whenever i can. but that was when they were relatively healthier. now, my dad had passed on. and my mum is sick. somehow, talking about death now seemed so difficult.
i asked her what if she has any worries. and she said - no, nothing. except that she worries about not having enough money for her medical bills. and she added that she will not be able to leave me any money when she dies. i consoled her. i said that the last thing she should worry is her medical bills. and that as far as i am concern, after all these years of caring for me, it is my duty and my turn to provide for her and look after her when she is old, and that for now, she should focused on her well-being. i added that i do not expect anything from her. it was very cliched. but then again, i felt i needed to say it and i felt very sad. very very sad.
i cried as i drove home. perhaps my mind had over-played up the whole dementia thing. and perhaps i my mind had painted a picture that is too bleak. then again, i told myself i need to be positive and with whatever effort i have, i shall make it as smooth as it can for her. i reminded myself that nothing is permanent and that this perhaps is the start of mum's final journey. there is a start to life. and there is an end to life.
and i am tearing as i write this post.
:-(
i learned from the domestic worker that my mum would mutter things to herself daily, how she would wake up at 1am, go for her shower and thought it was 7am, and how she would forget things she said. i felt very sad. i started tearing. but i tried to sound cheerful and pretended that all was normal. as the conversation went on, my mum told me that her memory is failing. she also told me how my brother would, at times, laugh at her for saying things that sounded illogical. the topic of the conversation moved to life; and death. mum told me she is old and that she does not have much time left. and since she brought up the topic about dying, i went further. i asked her if she is afraid. she said no. and i asked why. she said she is old and that death is a sure thing. it will come sooner or later. well, i know that it is important to talk to the old about dying, and i do it rather often to both my parents whenever i can. but that was when they were relatively healthier. now, my dad had passed on. and my mum is sick. somehow, talking about death now seemed so difficult.
i asked her what if she has any worries. and she said - no, nothing. except that she worries about not having enough money for her medical bills. and she added that she will not be able to leave me any money when she dies. i consoled her. i said that the last thing she should worry is her medical bills. and that as far as i am concern, after all these years of caring for me, it is my duty and my turn to provide for her and look after her when she is old, and that for now, she should focused on her well-being. i added that i do not expect anything from her. it was very cliched. but then again, i felt i needed to say it and i felt very sad. very very sad.
i cried as i drove home. perhaps my mind had over-played up the whole dementia thing. and perhaps i my mind had painted a picture that is too bleak. then again, i told myself i need to be positive and with whatever effort i have, i shall make it as smooth as it can for her. i reminded myself that nothing is permanent and that this perhaps is the start of mum's final journey. there is a start to life. and there is an end to life.
and i am tearing as i write this post.
:-(
2 comments:
Alas....All mother worry about their children iregardless of the capacity they are in.
motherly instinct... :-)
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