what have i given up? my life

there have been many articles about mr lee since his demise. many, especially from the western media, continue to decry his policies and his hard-handedness. common themes around the lack of individual freedom, dictatorship, authoritarian, etc continue to be featured. 

of course, these writers are entitled to their views. i can only say this - he is a man of his time, shaped by very unusually tumultuous circumstances present during his time. of wars, discriminations and threats. he did what he needed to do. and his motivation was not a selfish one. it was one that was in the interest of singapore. and as a person who had lived a huge part of my life under his premiership, i had benefited tremendously. and i had enjoyed one of the highest standard of living, of freedom, of safety, of security, of quality of life that, i dare say, comparable to most developed countries in the world.

even the skies mourn

perhaps it's a coincidence, but it is symbolic to me.

the day before he passed away (last sunday), the whole island experienced a thunderstorm. a storm so huge that many areas experienced floods. i was driving to my brother's place and had to negotiate quite a few roads where localised water-ponding had occurred. and at many stretches of the road, it was half-a-wheel deep and i feared my car would stall. that was really weird, considering we are in the midst of a dry spell and that we had not experienced rain for some many days. i wrote in my facebook then that "even the skies are crying". i had expected him to pass on that day and had hinted about it in this particular facebook status update, but felt it was not respectful to write it down.

he left us quietly that night. 3.18am. for the whole of the week, apart from a quick passing showers yesterday, the skies stayed dry. and it allowed the nation to mourn and to pay our respects to him.

today is his funeral. i brought mum out to breakfast and there was this eerie silence all around. many people had donned black, white or sombre colours. it was still early and some 4 hours to the funeral, but everyone was talking about it. and since morning, the skies was heavy with dark clouds, threatening to rain again. and as i type, light rain has started falling. i am really hoping the sky holds and that there would be no thunderstorm, at least until the funeral is over. but i am pessimistic about it. the skies are also mourning. despite this, i am sure many will brave the rain as they line the roads to bid him the final farewell.

:-(

things i avoid doing these days

these are some things i do not do these days and they include:

• asking "wru"
• asking "what are you doing"
• initiate conversations

perhaps this is for the better, at least for now, so as to avoid being misunderstood.

aging sapphie

these days, especially so over the last 2 months, sapphie my dog had been tapping on my bed at around 6-6.30am to wake me up. that was her way of telling me she needed to be brought out to pee. and not only that, she pees in the house at odd hours, out of her routine times almost every other 2 days. such occurrences suggest to me that the routine of bringing her down (to pee) trice a day - at 7.30am, 6.00pm and 9.30pm - no longer suffice and the frequency needs to be increased.

all these meant one thing - she is getting on with age and her ability to control her bladder is getting weaker with each passing days.

:-)

more bad news

added to the week of death-related news, here're a couple more negative news/ incidents/ stresses that i experienced over the week...

• my mum had a really bad fall on monday late afternoon and her whole face suffered bad bruises/ blue-black/ blood clots. also, her hands and knees were bloodied. she suffered terrible body aches as a result of the fall too.

• my brother was diagnosed with diabetes over the weekend. and i guessed it dawned upon him that he should start to do some exercises and to get into shape. he had starting very intensive walking and been more careful with his diet. let's hope his discipline lasts.

• my boss once again went into his abusive mood. not once but a couple of times. but this time round, it was directed towards my colleagues. yesterday, he screamed at her over a document she emailed him. apparently what she wrote didn't go well with him and he told her she must "think". and he shouted as he repeated the word "think". it was so loud many of us outside his office could hear. and it almost sounded like he was calling her stupid. such flare ups invariably create lots of tensions amongst every one in the department.

• i had almost 3 full days of training. hardly rested and as a result, my legs, my back and my whole body was sore like crazy.

hmmm. quite a terrible week ya? but well, i thought i managed relatively ok. at least i am still one piece. looking forward for this week to be over. can't wait for all the negativity to end. 

:-)

week of death

this has been a week of death for me.

first, it was mr lee. his passing saw the whole nation mourning and grieving and the mood was terribly low. and then on tuesday, i got a text from a good old friend, whom i had spend my ns years with, that his dad had passed on. i visited the wake last night to pay my respects to his dad after mum went to bed. this morning, i got a text from another friend telling me that my uni lecturer, who taught me several modules during my undergrad years, had succumbed to cancer and died on the same day mr lee died. she was cremated yesterday. and late afternoon, got news from my colleague that our fellow-colleague, who has been suffering from cancer, had been rushed to the hospital. she is in very bad condition and doctors has advised her family members to be prepared for the worst. 

too many deaths for me and too suddenly too. it's really difficult to handle all these deaths almost all at once.

sighs...

paying respects to mr lee

was at the bedok community site last evening. i felt the strong need to pay my last respects to mr lee but i decided against heading to the parliament house where his body lies. the media had reported that the queue time there was some 8-10hours. i certainly couldn't afford to do that, not with my mum with me. the bedok community site was a make shift site and had been constructed to allow people living in the east to pay respects to mr lee. 

we arrived there at about 9pm, and the queue at bedok was still building up very fast. people were still pouring in. thankfully, it moved just as fast. amazed at how everyone was so co-operative and respectful. and the whole organisation of the place was really excellent. very smooth, very efficient. 

and as for mum, at 83 of age and cannot remember many things, she remembered she must pay her respects to mr lee. and interestingly, once there, she wanted me to buy her bouquet of flowers. and she sat there quietly as she waited for me to sign the condolence book. and when our turn came, she quietly looked at his photo, paid her respects and placed the flowers on the stage. three members of parliament were on site to thank us for being there and one of them recognised mum. his short chat cheered her up.

overwhelming sadness

been a whole long emotional week.

lump in throat several times each day, and often red-teary eyes. it's hard not to be so when the whole atmosphere nation-wide is so sombre and sad. even the national radio and tv stopped playing anything other than soft music and non-stop commentaries about mr lee and his life. the outpouring of emotions has been rather overwhelming. and to a certain extent, i would say the emotions were magnified when you have people around you behaving this way. but from what i gathered from all my fiends and colleagues whom i spoke to, each and everyone shared that they had at some time or other cried when they were alone, just reflecting on the loss.

sighs... too many things to write but just didn't know where to start or how to start. it's been 4 days and the queues to pay respect to him both at the parliament house and all the 18 community sites have been terribly long despite all of them (less 8 community sites) operating round the clock, 24hours. the mourning will hit a climax over this coming weekend. it had been announced that there will be a flying past by the air force, a sail past by the navy and a 21-gun salute by the army for mr lee. very fitting and perhaps the very least we can do for this great man whole build up the nation and had put everything we can think of in place for us to grow up in, peacefully and as united as we can be, regardless of race, language or religion.

rest well, sir.

beyond words

cannot find any words currently to describe the sense of loss currently.

can only say "thank you sir".

let him go

omg, i find myself tearing very often these couple of days whenever i read news about mr lee's deteriorating health. and am rather disappointed to see disrespectful postings by some people about mr lee. i suspect this was done by youngsters who had used the opportunity to direct their unhappiness with the whatever policies towards him. or worst still, just being playful and wanting to seek attention. whatever the reasons, it's not right. not just to mr lee, it's not right to do such acts towards any human beings.

really, love him or hate him, there's no denial that he had delivered. i have personally experienced the life in singapore since independence and can appreciate the changes and improvements here. all these would not be possible without mr lee and his able lieutenants. thus, at this moment, let's reflect on the overall good he had done, not just for us singaporeans, but also for many overseas. and in the face of death, it's time to be thankful and for some, to forgive. time to let go. time to see him as a fellow human being, a father, a son, a brother, a friend... just like you and i. and most importantly, time to be compassionate and respectful.

wishing mr lee a smooth and peaceful journey.

thank you sir.

one of the things i hate..

is to have someone slam the phone on me...

angry!

$1 a day

couple of days ago, a volunteer with the cancer society asked me: "hi sir, do you think it's too much to donate just $1 a day to help and to save cancer patients?". to me, such a question is no different from an indirect emotional blackmail and is rather effective. for sure, it would get people's attention, and to reflect for a while and in all likelihood, agree. and that would naturally be when the person would then ask a follow-up question about whether you would want to do so. right?

anyway, i kinda pre-empted the second question and simply replied: "oh, certainly not at all! but well, you know, i'm just not ready to do it..." i thought my response kinda caught her off-guard for she simply responded with an "orh, ok, thank cute..."

:-)

weird dream

i have been having quite a few weird dreams lately but of cos, most of the time, i'd forget about them when i wake out. but this morning, i dreamt of something that i didn't forget. here's how the dream went..

bee appeared in my dream and i vaguely remember him walking out of a gym. he seemed to be with someone whom i cannot really recognize. in fact, the face of the person was blurred off in the dream. and i asked him if he was with that person, and how long he had been gymming with that person. and that was when he confessed to me that he had been seeing this other guy who happened to be his ex (the one whom he broke off with to be with me some 10 years back). the me in my dream had been having tensions about his gymming and his secrecy in his movements and whereabouts. and with his confession, everything became clear.

i woke up after that dream.

hmmm...

dinner w the sinseh

well, i went for my massage and acupuncture treatment as directed yesterday. and after the treatment, we went for dinner. it was an awkward dinner for me, considering the conversation was mostly done in either chinese or hokkien. haha...

anyway, he asked me quite a few really awkward questions during the dinner such as what my tattoo meant, whether i am married, etc. and added to that he volunteered quite a few details about himself too. i kept the conversation as neutral as possible and tried not to ask anything too personal. but seriously, some of the things he did made me feel rather uncomfortable. these include showing me his drawings and explaining that he likes to put into pictures songs that he learnt since young. and he even went on to sing a couple of verses for me! haha.. imagine this, two men in their 40s/ 50s having dinner and one singing away softly. weird right? 

other than that, i thought it was a nice dinner.

:-)

the last, naruto the movie

if not for bee, i wouldn't have gotten to know japanese comic series such as naruto some years back. and although i have not followed the series, i have hardly missed the naruto movies. and we caught the final instalment of naruto movie last night. as per all japanese movies, the movie was just as magical, and graphics were so beautifully drawn. and on a side note, i thought naruto was really cute, the way he was drawn.

as i said, i had not fully followed the naruto comic series and was not fully in the know of the various characters. but this did not stop me from enjoying the movie. it managed to cover key snippets of the relationship between naruto and hinata from their childhood years, and at the same time unfold the background behind the historical feuds between the different factions of the ninja and how they culminate to the final battle between naruto and toneri.

thoroughly enjoyable!

no facebook = happier

i still have a facebook account. 

but i don't use it the way i did 4 years ago where i update my status with my thoughts frequently and read the updates of my friends. also, i admittedly look forward to people's validation of my status updates, frequently checking how many likes i get, how many comments i get. and invariably, i find myself getting very upset and depressed when people do not validate me, do not have similar thoughts as me, do not behave the same way as me, etc. and considering i am not a confrontational person, i get stressed out easily by comments that are either disrespectful or critical (but to me, not unjustified). i deleted that account during the last general elections after being stressed out by all the comments that were so emotional and not objective.

i started resuming facebook again probably a year or more back. it was a back-up account that i had created when i first started facebook. i had previously used it to check my active account to ensure the security setting works. it remained dormant after i deleted my first account. since i resumed facebook, i had simply use facebook as a transit point to capture my thoughts and once i transfer them into my blog, i delete away my status update. and with no attachment to my status updates, i have also stopped reading and following my friend's status updates too. and guess what, i am a much happier person. i am no longer troubled by people's views. and to me, not reading my friends posting does not mean i am escaping from reality, it simply means i am allowing myself to better prioritise my time. and with this way of using facebook, it is almost like no facebook.

so... yeah, no facebook = happier.

:-)

my very interesting sinseh

my sinseh (traditional chinese medical practitioner) has been extremely nice to me. so nice until i feel a little uneasy. heh...

well, i got to know him when i went for my gua sha treatment about 2 months back. what happened was that after the massage and the gua sha, he came to me and did the acupuncture for me. and after that he pulled me aside and told me to visit him at a tcm centre that he volunteers weekly. this centre is near my place and thus, he said, would be more convenient to me. and most importantly, i need not pay a bomb to the tcm shop that i went to for my massage and gua sha. and he gave me his contact number too.

i was appreciative of his suggestion and i had been visiting this centre since then. and for him, he would call me almost weekly to check on my health and to remind me to see him. my visits have always been in the evenings and each time i visited him, i would bring my mum along. it was convenient for me too as i would bring her for dinner before i visit the sinseh. the sinseh came to know about mum waiting for him and even gave me tips on how to manage mum's health. kinda interesting right? haha...

yesterday was my most recent visit to him. this visit was shorter compared to previous sessions as he said "he didn't want mum to wait too long for me". and he asked me to visit him again this sunday afternoon. and he added that since it would be in the afternoon, i need not bring mum along. and that we can go for a good dinner after that.

hmmm... 

lol!

tgif!

i am so totally elated that friday and the week has ended.

it had been a terribly draining week although most of the time i was at my desk and not running around doing training. but it was draining for the fact that i had to do my new workyear planning and objective setting for my team. and i had to do this without any clear directions and understanding of the department strategy other than a a few words that state the outcome my team was to drive towards. thus, lots of time was thus spend on thinking through, framing and deriving my action plans while at the same time, trying to crystallise what the department's strategy is like and how to integrate my plans with the other sections...

but well, i finally did it and presented it today. and my boss didn't make much comment (although i suspect he would be using what i had crafted as part of his plans) although he wanted us to reframe and articulate things according to his format. hmmm... such crap right? if he has a format, he should give it to us first and not let us go through the days of deep-thinking etc. in this regard, i think my colleagues were smarter, they simply crafted a few sentences and proposed timeline and let him critique like no tomorrow and simply take his points so that they can rework their plan according to his wishes. then again, that is not me... so...

but yeah, i am so bloody glad the week has ended. 

i am so totally drained now.

shocking hearsay about "m"

the best test for any food outlet is when its own employees willingly eats its own products.

was at the tcm center when i overheard a lady, who currently works in a popular fast food chain (that starts with the letter "m"), related to her friend how she and her 3 kids (who had previously worked in the same chain too) swore off all cooked food sold by the chain after seeing how the oil was recycled again and again, sometimes for as long as 7-8 days.

kinda shocking.

very professional colleague

my boss had arranged for a meeting two days ago with another department and made us attend the meeting. he wanted to make sure we fully support this department (at least that was what he said although i wasn't sure if this was what he meant considering he started off his employment clashing very badly with this particular department head - let's call him mr ewe). mr ewe has been with the company a couple of years and is very well-respected by all. he gets along very well with people regardless of how high or how low their position is. he is very warm with people yet seldom cross the line to being personal, not sure how to explain this, but he has the gift to make a person feel very comfortable. everyone of us in the company holds him in very high regard. 

now back to the story. just 15min before the meeting commenced, he called me and another fellow manager into his room. he instructed us to be prepared with a very clear agenda cos mr ewe "knows  his business well and what he wants". it was a very curious instruction considering it was he who insisted this meeting and that we have no particular agenda with mr ewe. what more what we have been working very well with mr ewe's department.

anyway, the meeting started and true enough, mr ewe thanked my boss and asked my boss to start off with his agenda. my boss didn't have any except that he wanted to see how best we can help his department. with this input, mr ewe pulled out his agenda and went through the meeting using his agenda, point-by-point. and what's even more interesting was - while mr ewe focused on the issues and the discussions of how to move matters forward objectively, while my boss kept focusing the discussion on us, as in - how screwed up and trashy we were and was quick to blame us when any issue was brought up. and whenever he did so, the mr ewe and his staff kept defending us and pointing out that we had worked very well together and that issues that happened were one off but reflected process flaws or policy gaps that needed to be addressed. the meeting went very smoothly and mr ewe was in full control of it.

today, something even more interesting happened. i met mr ewe along the office cubicle aisle and i took the opportunity to thank him for a very fruitful meeting. i thought it was only courteous to do so but his reaction to me caught me off-guard. he pulled me aside and invited me into his office. he then closed the door and talked to me in a manner that i have never seen him do so. he shared his views about my boss and also his tensions with him. and he added he could also sense a lot of tensions amongst us managers in my department and that he was concerned about our well-being. he also shared that through his grapevine, i'll probably be the next to leave the company and that he's sad if that happens. he made me promise to talk to him before i make any decisions. i was kinda dumbfounded by this whole event. but in a way, it felt good to know that there are people who are concerned about us and keeps a look out for us.

:-)

decreased blogging frequency

i have not been blogging so often these days.

well, apart from the lack of good topics (many things i blog tend to sound very routine now! lol), i must also admit i feel less energetic about writing. i supposed i have been rather busy and rather low morale these days and by the time i settled into bed in the evenings, i would be too drained to do anything...

let's hope things get better.

:-)

m-b-e

i wrote about my very bossy boss sometime back and a great blogger friend advised me that for such characters, it is important to have decisions and important conversations captured in writing, e.g. via email, so that a trail can be captured.

i can totally appreciate this advice after these few weeks of observation. i noticed he is a person who is quick to jump on us, and blame us for for things that, often a times, are not justified. case of point was how he jumped onto a colleague of mine and screamed at her for not updating a set of documents according to his instructions. and when my colleague insisted she did not get any input, his first reaction was (in a not too friendly a manner) - "you wait, i go check my email..." i have seen this sentence being uttered once to many times now.

and almost a few times a week, we would get nasty-sounding emails from him, although the things he wrote were factual and that you cannot find fault with it (such as - stating that we should observe 1-hour lunches, we should start work at 8.30, we should clear our leave by end-of-the-month, etc). it didn't feel good to get such emails considering we are all adults and rather senior by position. and frankly, i believe such policies are stated in good faith but in its implementation, there is always room for give-and-take between leaders and their team members.

any, i have given this manner of controlling us a term. i call it mbe, or "management by emails".

couldn't get any worst.

lesson learnt for me: never do it like him. such style of communication is, by itself, flawed and ineffective. effective people pepper their communications with an copious amount of respect. that differentiates a leader from a boss. we are communicating with another human being, not a robot.

"why are you not dead?"

last week, my 4-year old niece asked me, innocently: pok pok (大伯), 你四十九岁为什么还没有死？(uncle, you are already 49 years old, why are you not dead yet?). i laughed it off and told her that at 49, i am still considered young. she simply accepted my explanation although i half-suspected that to her, anything about 10 years old is considered very old.

this week, when i visited her again, the first thing she did when i sat onto the sofa was to apologise to me. and she did it in a very meek manner, and her "sorry" was so soft, it was almost inaudible. and when i asked her why she had to apologise, she looked down as she muttered some words that only she herself could hear. i simply gave her a tight hug and after that she pranced off, happily as ever.. i found out later that she was scolded by my sis-in-law and was made to apologize.

heh... it was so heartbreaking to see her near to tears as she did so...

lol!

chat w headhunter

thus far, i had written to several headhunters and 2 had responded and asked for further details of my resume. i had also met up with one of them this week and it was an interesting meet. for a start, this headhunter was gay (and i know it cos i did a check on him in facebook and looking at this photos...). and when we chatted, his behaviour and mannerism was rather obvious. heh. but of cos, that was all besides the point. the point was, it was a very good and easy conversation and i believed he was rather convinced that i would make a good candidate to work with. 

let's see how things go. am also looking at jobs portal, connections, etc to help me.

:-)

"sir go where..."

this is mum's most commonly asked question to the maid.

she would ask this whenever i am not within her sight, be it at home, at the shopping centre, when i take my shower, when i walk behind her wheelchair, when... and whenever i respond to her and ask her why she'd ask the question, the consistent reply was - "i thought you had gone out." not whether i was in the room, the kitchen, the toilet, etc.... was because "i had gone out".

that kinda describes mum's thoughts about me. 

hmmm...

lol!

job search

after reviewing and updating my resume all over again, i have started sending it out to headhunters. will be meeting one of them later today. let's see how things go.

:-)

southern lions

watching this video reminds me once again why i love the southern lion so much more than the northern lion! the ferocity, the strength, the gentleness and the playful nature all rolled into one. and importantly brought to life by two very talented individuals inside. and as i watched, i invariably find myself forgetting that there were 2 human beings inside.

such is the magic i experience whenever i watch the southern lion dance. and it reminds of my junior college days where weekends were spend largely with my chinese orchestra friends or with my buddies from the lion dance troop. and it was during that period that i learned about lion dance and the symbolic meanings behind every little movements...

those were the good old days of learning about my own culture. 

:-)

ps: then again, this creature, commonly referred to as the lion is actually a mythical creature. and it is interesting how we, as human beings, inject movements that, to me, are similar to that of our very best friend - the dog. lol!

kingsman: the secret service

been a very long time since i last went for a midnight movie and despite my less than half awake state when i walked in, the movie was able to keep me glued to the screen throughout. yup, it was a highly entertaining spy action comedy movie. 

enjoyed it thoroughly.

:-)

me as a coach

i realized i have this tendency - to coach people who have resigned and help them in their career transition process.

haha... and it is ironic cos i am a hr-person and is probably the last person people would expect to coach another person who has resigned. but that was what i did. again, and again, and again. funnily, when my staff resigned, instead of convincing her to stay, i helped her map out her developmental journey for the years ahead and helped her clarify her thoughts about what she would like to achieve in her next job. she was appreciative and surprised. we are still in contact and she still asks me for advices as and when she comes faced with issues at work.

and this week, when i heard another staff has also resigned without a job, i called her out and spoke with her. this staff had been with the company for the last 8 years and had suddenly tendered without a job. i immediately sensed something not right. although she had mentioned to people around her that her resignation was due to the job, i had suspected it was due to people around her. to me, people leave jobs because of people reasons and not because of tasks or renumeration reasons. and i was right. we didn't go into details, but she admitted the job was heavy but not to the point of forcing her to leave. anyway, i did not probe further since she was so sure she wanted to leave. and that was when i guided her in her next steps. so... yeah, i had a good hour-plus conversation with this staff. i thought it was a good conversation and importantly, she was able to take back some things to think about. 

i realised this one thing - many people do not have a career goal. and without this goal, many ended up going for jobs that do not contribute to their longer term goals. and once they start looking for jobs, most people do not know how to start, how to write a resume, how to pitch themselves, how to negotiate, how to... there are just so many things about looking for and landing in a job. yet, this is not something one do usually. 

and funnily, it is easier to coach people but i myself also find it very difficult to do it when it comes to myself, especially when at times, the push factor is so strong, it becomes unbearable, yet the jobs available out there do not match my longer term needs... and this is where the heart, the mind and the opportunities present do not align.

hmmm.

disappointed maid

my maid was rather disappointed, or i should say upset, when she found out i had sold off my iphone 5s for $350. her current phone is old and is in need of a replacement. she has been looking around for an iphone. and this morning, she had asked me how much i wanted to sell mine. i had told her i wasn't sure. frankly, it didn't occur to me she wanted to buy. and she, on her part, had assumed i would sell it for $600-700, far beyond what she could afford. anyway, i think i will give her my iphone 4. about 2 years old but still in perfect working condition as far as i can see it. let's see if she wants it.

:-)

sold off my iphone 5s

i purchased an iphone 6plus last week. had decided to get it since my contract with singtel (my telco subscriber) was up and that i could renew my contract. and if i were to do it, i could enjoy a good discount for a new handset. added to that, the subscriber had also given me a $120 voucher for handset purchase. 

and today, i sold off my iphone 5s to a second hand mobile shop for $350. and i had a most interesting evening selling off my phone. found out from my staff that second hand mobile shops would buy used-5s for about $400 and i thought it was too good a deal to miss. so after dinner, i headed off straight to a shop. the girl managing the shop took a look at my phone and told me she'd accept it for $300. i was kinda disappointed as i had expected closer to $400. nope, she said, i could only offer you $300 max. usually i would give $380, but since your phone has dents on the frame, i would need to change it and thus, i could only give you $300.

i thought about it and accepted the offer. i didn't want to negotiate further and thought that getting back $300 was not too bad a deal too, since i had not even thought of selling it in the first place. with the agreement, the girl took my phone, did some test and then came back to me and rejected the offer made. uncle, your phone screen is showing signs of damage, i am afraid i will have to reject the offer. i will not be able to proceed with this purchase. darned! rejecting the offer was bad enough, and then she had to call me uncle some more! doh!

well, feeling a little disappointed, i walked away. i decided to give a try at another shop that was located at the next block. and guess what... the shop owner took a look, and offered $350. no further questions asked. he said he would offer $400 if not for the dents on the frame... i didn't negotiate further, i just took the $350 and went off!

:-)

ps: the $350 was in fact higher than my original purchase price. i think i got it for about $200-plus or max about $300 cos i purchased it at a discounted price as i had, at that time, renewed my phone contract too!

mum's ang pow-adventures

mum has had so many issues with ang pows this year.

previous years, i would prepare ang pows for her. in demoninations of $4 or $8. took me a long time and a whole lot of effort to convince her for this amount as she had wanted to only give $2. it would be so below market value! haha... and i had to pack them in different types of ang pows so as to aid her in giving the right ones to the "right" people.

this year was even more interesting. as in previous years, she wanted to give only $2. after a lot of coaxing, she agreed on $4 and she flatly refused anything more than $4. might as well, i thought. one flat rate for all would save me the need to prepare different ang pows for her and better still, save me the need to educate her on what is what. but to me, a $4 ang pow is too far below market rates, especially if it is for relatives, close friends and people whom we owe our thanks to. added to that, she insisted only need two ang pows - for my brother's kids. despite her protest, i packed 24 ang pows for her. i convinced her that holding an extra few would be handy if the need arises. so, after much convincing, we were all set for the new year. this was what happened this year...

first, it was my second sis. my sis has always pre-packed $20 ang pows and asked me to pass it to mum so that her children can get more pocket monies. but this year, my mum, in her enthusiasm to give away ang pows, gave my nieces the $4 packs before my sis could pass me her $20 packs. so, in my attempt to savage the situation, i quickly ask mum to give them 2 ang pows each, to which she did, cheerfully and very very happily. well, $8 would be at least a more decent amount compared to $4. first battle done. after that, mum continued to happily give away ang pows freely during the first 4 days of the new year.

of cos, to prevent her from mixing up those ang pows she received with the ones she should be giving away, i would take those she received from her and safekeep it for her in my safe. but i forgot to do so for one... and that led to more interesting stories. yesterday, the first day of her returning to the rehab center. learning from past years' experiences, i had packed more ang pows for her cos she would end up giving away ang pows freely at the rehab center too, despite insisting that she would only give it to the center manager. yesterday, she ended up giving the driver a $50-ang pow that she received from a close neighbour that visited us over the weekend (and that i forgot to take from her) and gave a $4 ang pow to the center manager. to make matters worst, the driver went around telling people that my mum had given him $50. hahaha... and since she had been giving away ang pows freely, she had only 2 other $4-ang pows left to which she gave to the rehab center staff. this, by itself created an issue cos there were so many staff! and i understood from the maid that those who had been closely involved with taking care of her did not get any ang pows! so last night, i quickly packed another 10 $4-ang pows for her. gave it to her this morning and she chided me for doing so. too many. no need, she said.

it was barely an hour after she arrived at the rehab center and i got a call from her. i just finish giving out the ang pows, she said.

lol!

he's awake

i got news from my cousin last night about my ailing uncle.

he has come round and has been removed from the respiratory machine. he is, however, still hooked up on the dialysis machine but i understood that the support needed has been lessened. as of yesterday, he was able to talk. however, i had been told he was depressed and has expressed his desire to die. i can totally appreciate his depression. i would be the same if i were him. he has just lost his large intestines and, i believe, would be highly reliant on people around him to look after him. in short, he is still grieving over his loss and will need time to come to terms with it. for now, i think the most important thing for us to do is to be there to listen to him and to support him.

but hey, the fact that he is now conscious is a great step ahead for him, considering he was just in critical condition on the eve of the new year, after having undergone the op to remove his large intestines.

so yeah, i was happy to get this update.

best news so far in recent days.

:-)

thumb exercise - size queen

i finally got my iphone 5s changed to an iphone 6plus. and first thing francis said to me was - you are such a size queen! heh... and woohhh yes! it is so big! and i have not gotten used to stretching my thumb all the way across the screen to type my words! so... yeah, always needs time to get used to big things! 

lol!

what the fish!

the words above (if indeed is by a. einstein) resonates with me.

i reflected and noted i had been made to think like the fish mentioned here many a times in the past. but well, that doesn't matter now.  what's important is that i now recognise my current boss is doing the same thing to me. so yeah... 

time to move on.

:-)

car breakdown

my car broke down this morning. and it couldn't have happened at a better time!

it happened when i brought mum to the market for breakfast. might as well, i thought. i would be heading off to larry's place for my annual get together this evening and had agreed with mum that we would not visit my brother's place today. i was also exhausted 3 days of travelling and i could do with a good days' rest before heading out again this evening. added to that, i could also sense mum's tiredness from her lower energy levels today.

so, yeah, the car breakdown gives me the chance to recuperate. and it also provided a great distraction to mum from the daily routines.

heh...

girlfriend?

my domestic helper asked me an ultimate question today.

i was at my brother's place chopping the duck while she was washing the dishes. and she turned around and asked me "sir, this is chinese new year, how come you never go to your girlfriend's house?" i looked at her and simply said "what? since when i have a girlfriend?" she looked surprised as she replied, almost apologetically: "oh, sorry sorry... i thought sir have a girlfriend..." and her sentence tampered off. i added "if i have a girlfriend, when she looks at ah ma (my mum), she will run away."

the domestic helper just laughed and continued with her washing.

i think she knew she has crossed the boundaries.

exhausted

haha... this lunar new year is wearing me thin. been heading to my brother's place daily since lny eve. it's been three days in a roll and i am feeling the strain. almost a 35km journey to his place and another 35km back daily. cannot imagine going there again tomorrow and sunday again. 

haiz...

balancing act cny

annual chinese new years have always been great balancing acts for me since the passing of my dad in 2008. and it was even more so this year. had to do all these to manage my mum's mental health and family relationships in view of the different "factions" within the family and beyond. for this year...

managed to pay a visit to my critically ill uncle after lying to my mum that i would only be let off at 3pm on cny eve (for the record, i was let off at 12pm). i want to be able to see him before he leaves and to manage my relatives, i had to explain to them my considerations and challenges. my aunt seemed understanding (although i know she could possibly be a different person behind my back), but that is not for me to bother. as for my uncle, he remained in coma and had been placed on life support. i walked out of his icu room after about 2 minutes and once i emerged, the doctor, who was preparing to enter the room, asked me - erm, how come you did not wear a mask? hmmm... lol. accordingly, they suspected my uncle has tuberculosis and had been placed in an isolated room and that all persons entering the room was supposed to wear a n95 mask. let's hope i don't carry out any nasty stuff from that visit.

was able to head off to pay respects to my late-dad on cny eve after visiting my uncle. needed to do this for my mum and for my brother. my brother remained convinced that i did not take good care of my dad and contributed to his death and he also continued to be angry with my relatives (for all sorts of reasons). but like the above, that would be for him to manage. back to cny eve, i was rather tired by the afternoon frankly. but well, i managed to drive my way from the east to my brother's place, and then to the west-end of the island before heading back again to my brother's place for the reunion dinner. was dead beat by the time i reached home about 1030pm. i didn't bother to stay up late and headed to bed before midnight (traditionally, people believe that on cny eve, children should stay up as late as possible so that the parents will enjoy long life. i used to do that previously, but i was too tired this time round and... hey, my mum's 83yrs old! what more can i ask for right? lol!

managed to call my aunt to wish her well for the new year this morning. tried doing that yesterday but she wasn't home. and got through today while i locked myself in my room's toilet with the door closed. didn't want to make my mum suspect anything cos she (as influenced by my bro) has avoided interacting with any of my relatives. needed to do this basic respectful act as a member of the younger generation. it's the right thing to do.

have arranged for my second sis and my cousin to come early afternoon today. had earlier pondered how i could orchestrate their visits in view of the visits to my brother's place. so after some adjustments, my sis agreed to come on the second day instead of cny day one. made life so much more manageable.

so far so good. i have the weekend to go. hope to be able to find some me-time over the weekend. i would probably lie to my mum about visiting some bosses or something. excuses of visits to bosses has worked so far as she was of the impression that if i don't do so, i could face the possibility of offending my boss and getting the sack.

lol!

babi ponteh

finally cooked the babi ponteh today - pork (and chicken) stewed in fermented beans. this is a peranakan dish and i had been eating it since i was a kid, something that my mum would cook during the chinese new year. there are many variants to this dish and some may include potatoes, bamboo shoots, etc. and mostly, it involved only pork as the main meat in the dish. for my family, we do not add potatoes nor bamboo. but we include chicken in addition to the pork. i had experimented with the recipe some time back and have modified the recipe to suit my liking. after cooking it, my mum commented that it reminded her of her mum's (my mama) cooking. that's so flattering! here's my recipe.

ingredients

1kg pork (twee bak) - make sure you have a nice layer of fat and skin as it provides the texture, cut into large pieces

1 medium-sized chicken cut into large pieces, you can replaced it with chicken parts like wings or drumsticks if need be

10 dried shiitake mushrooms - soaked and cut into halves

15-20 shallots & 10 garlic - blended into a smooth paste

3-4 tablespoon of fermented bean paste (tau cheo)

3-4 tablespoons of gula melaka (you can also use white castor sugar or brown sugar, but gula melaka would be more fragrant)

20ml of vegetable oil

4-6 tablespoon of dark soya sauce

10ml of sesame oil (optional)
1 stick of cinnamon (optional - i don't add this)

2-3litre of water (estimated volume)

garnish

coriander leaves (wan swee)

method

place the cut pork cubes and marinate with 1-2 tablespoon of dark sauce and a sprinkle of sugar. heat oil (mix both oil if you choose to also include sesame oil) in wok, pour in blended shallots and garlic. stir fry over slow fire till it turns translucent (should be about 2-3min) and you can smell the fragrance. add the tau cheo paste and continue to fry for another minute or so (you can smell the fragrance). add the pork and continue to stir fry for another 2-3minutes until it is totally covered with the shallot/garlic/tau cheo paste. add the water (or the stock) until the pork is totally submerge in it. add the mushroom, add salt, sugar (to taste) and the remaining dark soya sauce and bring it to boil. lower the heat and simmer for about 2hrs. add chicken parts and simmer for another hour. add garnish, serve hot with white rice (cook extra rice cos nobody eats babi ponteh with just a normal serving of rice!)

other tips

to make it easier for you to cut the pork, you can boil it in water first. you can then filter the water and use the stock later instead of water. same goes for the mushroom. you can soak the mushroom and then use the stock to cook. when you first add the stock, leave some behind and you can top it up when you add the chicken. the dish is best eaten on the second day after cooking cos the extra time would have allowed all the seasoning, and the sweetness of the meat to emerge and mix!

enjoy!

happy chinese (lunar) new year

i simply love this video. very symbolic and very meaningful. really brought out the full meaning of why we celebrate chinese new year, folklore aside. it also reminded me how i, when i was dealing with corporate relations years ago, never hesitated to recommend chopsticks as corporate gifts. a pair of chopsticks, properly mounted, makes a very decent and meaningful gift. it symbolises the inseparable nature of the two entities (persons, units, companies, etc) in the relationship. after all, one cannot use only one chopstick if one wants to eat properly. one needs both to work in unison. such is the depth of the meaning of the humble chopsticks.

watching the video made me tear a bit, especially the bits where the lady told her lonely neighbour - it's only a pair of chopstick. this was what my mum used to say to my uncle when he visited many years back. and it also made me reflect on what it means to be chinese, sons of dragons - a race that had survived over 4000 years of history and is now found the globe over, yet bounded together culturally. wishing everyone,

"happy chinese (lunar) new year!"

:-)

ps: i try as much as possible to avoid using the word "chinese" and instead use "lunar" cos it is a festival that is celebrated by all the different races in sgp. but in this post, i have used it as the setting of the video is chinese in nature. 

curse him...

my uncle completed his op early this morning and was placed in the icu after the procedure. he had had his large intestines removed and was still in critical condition the last time i heard. i also understood that his condition was not good and could go anytime. so i thought the right thing for me to do was to inform my siblings about his condition. and i texted my siblings one-by-one, starting with my second sis, then my brother and finally my brother-in-law. here's what i get from them...

• second sis was concerned and wanted to visit. but she would do so together with me.

• my brother send me a chain of smses, one after another. and his responses ranged from cursing my uncle, to warning me about visiting him or to contribute any monies should he die, to a whole lot of very negative comments. and he ended with "you must believe me...". really, i have no desire nor energies to share my thoughts, much less correct him. he is a bitter person and yes, as i type, i was reminded of my boss's communication style - aggressive,, and know it was founded on a very disturbed past that he couldn't reconcile with.

• i texted the details to my brother-in-law instead of my eldest sis as she didn't want to talk to me. and i told him to advise my eldest sis not to mention any of it to my brother so as avoid any anger on his part. my brother-in-law's response was even more straight forward, he simply said, ok, in short, i will not tell her (my eldest sis), thanks for the info nonetheless. guys are so much easier to deal with.

three different siblings (technically incorrect cos one was my brother-in-law), three different responses. but i had done my part. how they want to follow-up is their business. 

:-)

benign

went for the medical appointment this afternoon and yes, it was confirmed that the growth in my throat was benign. no further follow-ups were needed. i was also given a 2-year open date. this, i supposed, was the good positive news worth celebrating amidst all the negative energies i experienced today.

:-)

toxic boss

after that berating by my boss (that i can call "toxic"), i felt really shitty. people in office were looking at me sympathetically and shaking their heads and a few others texted me and telling me to just ignore him. but really, it was one thing to get shit and another thing to continue my work and walk around with a smiling face like as though nothing had happened. but i could hold my head up high. my conscience was clear and i thought i controlled myself reasonably ok and not let my emotions take over. 

after some time, i googled the net for such communications styles and came to realise that his style is typical of that called "aggressive". and reading that people with such styles generally tend to have their own bad histories/ experiences and that could be the cause of their deep-seated insecurities, etc, made me feel somewhat sorry for him. and from a very warp perspective, i told myself that the next he gave me such responses, i could look at him and pity him mentally, what a sad person you are... poor man, come sayang sayang... lol. 

but really, i also noted from reading the net that my response to aggressive communicators tend to be mostly passive, at times assertive and at times aggressive too especially when i let my emotions rule me. from that perspective, there is a lot of scope for me to take this as a learning experience and i need to read up and internalise more about how to be more assertive and preserve my space/ and my self-respect.

:-)

stupid, liar, claiming credits

today my boss send me an email asking for some training-related stuff. so, instead of trying to write long emails, i walked into his office to share the details he asked for.

he did not agree with some of the things i said, that i explained was shaped as a result of the business climate back then, and started criticizing the system. sensing the conversation heading in a wrong direction, i simply told him it would be a good opportunity to review the policies. but rather than giving constructive comments, he began saying things that were not really contributing to the issues he pointed out/ criticised about. the conversation ended up with him shouting at me, calling the system (that i created, and hence i?) stupid, and branding me a liar that consistently brag about how i had set up the training system and claiming all the credits falsely.

it was frustrating trying to explain things and background when he started off not wanting to listen and kept his verbal attacks at me. very personal and very uncalled for.

and all these with his office door open.

stressful period

work issues. mum issues. chinese new year. tomorrow will be getting my biopsy results for my gastroscopy.

and then i got a call from my cousin this evening. my third uncle (my late dad's younger brother) is in critical condition and may not pull through tonight. the doctors will be operating on his anytime now in an attempt to save him. hmmm, it just struck me that in my flustered condition, i forgot to clarify what the op was about. i knew he had some issues with his intestines and he had gone in and out of hospital to get it treated over the last 2 months. and last week he was warded again and since then, he had gone in and out of consciousness. his condition had worsen and doctors had asked the family to be mentally prepared if he fails to pull through tonight.

gonna be challenging managing all these at the same time.

if my uncle leaves us, his wake and funeral would hit right into the chinese new year. and this poses great challenges to me on many fronts. firstly, relationship. my brother is not on good terms with all my relatives and he would be very unhappy if i were to attend anything related to them. so, i would probably do so without telling them. but it would be hard to do so cos of cny. secondly, my mum. she's not mentally sound now given her stress over the coming cny. to tell her of this would be superbly stressful and she'll probably go bonkers big time. but if i don't tell her, it would be terribly difficult to excuse myself to attend the wake or the funeral, or even if my uncle survives, to visit him at the hospital. thirdly, religious reasons. the 8th day of the new lunar year is the celestial god's birthday and my family commemorate this day by offering prayers on that day. this is a very huge event and given the auspicious and religious nature of this event (referred to as "red-event"), it would be taboo for anyone commemorating this event to be involved or to attend any "white-event" (funerals, wakes, or any event that is inauspicious in nature etc).

hmmm... kinda trapped from all angles. my cousin will keep me posted if there's any updates. for me now, i think i'll sleep over it. let's address the issues one by one when it happens.

"crazy" mum

mum has gone all haywire again.

and i strongly believe it is due to the coming cny. i came home feeling all so frustrated with my boss but once i reached home, i was faced with a paranoid mum. first indicator was when she asked me why i had to go to the kitchen when i came home from work. i had walked to the kitchen to throw away some rubbish. she didn't totally buy my reason and gave me that suspicious look. i took cue and spend the evening sitting beside her instead of changing up. 

half hour later (at 6.30pm, which was our usual time to head out for dinner), i told her i would wash up and change first and that we would head out for dinner once i was done. she said ok. and usually when i do that, the maid would close all windows, the balcony glass door, and prepare mum's wheelchair for her. but today, when i walked out of my bedroom after washing up, i found mum telling off the maid for closing the balcony door and trying hard to open it again. i believed she wanted to open it and to make prayers. she always does this when she gets paranoid.

the maid was kinda pissed off but kept quiet and simply walked one side as she let me manage mum. i opened the door according to her wishes and asked her to sit on the sofa. and i asked if we could go for dinner, to which she said she was not hungry and just wanted to stay at home. i told her i was hungry and that we had earlier agreed to go for dinner. she stared at me and said she was not hungry and if i was hungry, i should just eat some biscuits. hmmm... kinda challenging at that point in time. but of cos, after some to-and-fro reasoning (with someone who cannot be reasoned), she agreed to head out. she kept quiet through the evening.

it was pretty obvious she was anxious. and her anxiety had triggered off lots of other reactions. this is very frustrating and has time and again, happened whenever there is a major festival coming. i can't wait for cny to pass quickly.

i made sure i gave her some sleeping pills before she retires.

unreasonable boss

he approved a training for my staff last month despite his reservations. at that time he said if we send the staff for a course so quickly after she joined us, she'll probably run away once she finished the course. this despite me briefing on all the reasons why the position needs to be trained. but he eventually approved it after i told him we can reconsider downstream.

today, and after all the registration etc, he again voiced his reservations about sending her for the course. his rationale has changed. she is not conducting training and thus should not attend the course, he wrote in his email. of course i responded with an explanation on the rationale all over again but once again, indicated that i would be most willing to withdraw her from the course if necessary.

in return, he replied me with a mail full rebuttals, point by point, all in red fonts. i was taken aback by this very hostile email. and i was very uneasy with the fact that his rebuttals were all either part of my explanations to him (which he obviously didn't read) or with lots of very inconsistent reasons. but he ended the email with "i will let her go this time round, but...". i didn't bother to respond further. i simply thank him for his inputs.

feeling very frustrated with such bosses who continues to be inconsistent. or perhaps consistent in his disagreement to let the staff go for courses amidst all the inconsistent reasons. hard to work with such people...

dressing up for cny

temporary look for the new year. 

chinese enough?

:-)

moodless cny

i say this every year and i am repeating it again this year. that i do not feel the mood of cny. perhaps it is because i am getting old, and i tend to avoid crowded places these years. but really, increasingly, i do not feel the festive moods these days. 

:-)