mum & my siblings

mum has been on the warpath against all my siblings since her discharge from the hospital. she now refuses to talk to any of them. and i think it is becos of she has gone into her self-pity mode again. 

you see, on the day after her discharge, i asked my second sis to help "babysit" her as i needed to head to work to settle some urgent stuff. i came home at noon to a very grumpy mum. she kept telling me never to ask my second sis over anymore. i found out later that she was very unhappy becos despite the fact that while my sis was over, she busied with her work and did not talk to my mum. my mum took offense and said that all second sis could think and talk about was work work work work and more work. and she interpreted all of second sis's work-focused behavior as hinting to her that she's in the way of her work. and with this, she insisted we should never ever call my second sis to look after her again. this, to her, was consistent with second sis's "standard" response whenever mum called her on the mobile that she's busy and could not talk. that was mum's tensions with second sis.

and with second sis all so focused on work, mum decided to call my eldest sis (the one who refused to talk to me). and mum asked her what was she doing. and eldest sis replied that she was eating her lunch and lazing around at home. again, mum took offense with this response. to mum, she said it was unacceptable. she rationalized that since eldest sis was so free, she should have called her (mum) to chat, and to ask about her well-being. and with this, mum concluded that she didn't have her in her heart at all. she then started lamenting that she had wasted her younger years sacrificing every little comfort for my sisters and now that she's sick, nobody was interested about her well-being… that was mum's tensions with eldest sis.

and with my brother. regretfully, he had transferred his negative energies towards me against her. you see, when i called him to inform him about her hospitalization, he accused me of not taking care of her  well, that i had ill-treated her, and he went on about how i did not even get a domestic help to look after her (for the record, i could not get a domestic helper cos mum continued to be registered under his address to allow him to claim income tax relief from looking after her, and to also use her as a justification to get his mother-in-law over to singapore for short term stays. this adds to his justification that his wife couldn't cope with the kids and to look after mum at the same time. anyway, after accusing me about all these things, he started bringing in history. he went on to accuse me of doing to mum what i did to my dad, of neglect, of ill-treatment, of not putting in efforts, and even causing his death… well… he continued to be angry with me for all these things that i didn't do. so when mum called him to tell him about her being discharged, he shouted at her for disturbing him at work. and after telling her off, he told her never to call him again. mum of cos did not take well to his shouting. it reminded her of all the scoldings she got from him consistently, the last being in jul when i went to kuala lumpur to attend a course. that was mum's tensions with my brother.

i used to try to speak good of them whenever mum talked about her tensions with them. but this time round, after my brothers nitpicking and accusations, i decided i shall just keep quiet. i will no longer try to cover for him. i will not speak ill of him, i will at most speak the fact. facts about how he accused me of wrongdoings, about how he shouted at me, etc. i see no need to try to protect him anymore. it was a little sad, but mum ended this week feeling like as though all her children (less me) had forsaken her. of cos, she was justified to feel angry, especially about my brother's treatment, but her sense of self-pity is really strong and there was no way to convince her otherwise.

mum & sleep

this has been a good week despite the fact that i was busy and preoccupied mentally with mum's discharge and health condition… for a start, mum was discharged on monday. and she was a little weak when she was discharged… well, ok, very weak. to the point where she could not take 2 steps or talk a few words without panting like crazy, and had to be put on oxygen.

but through the week, i could see her slowly but surely get stronger. it was also interesting to see how her waking up routines became kind of a reflection of her recovery. on tuesday morning, she did not wake up until about 7am, which was very unusual cos she would usually stir at about 3-4am nightly.  and she looked all groggy and wasted when she finally woke up. it took her quite a while to get up, wash up and eventually dress up. and i had to help her. on wednesday morning, she woke up at 5-plus. i was awaken by the creaking sound of the walking frame she used as she walked out of her room and rushed out to help her. she insisted that i return to sleep saying that i had to work. i refused to unless she did so too. after some grumbling, she went back to bed. the same thing happened on thursday morning. once again, i woke up and helped her. this time round, she decided to walk out to the living room as i made her her morning beverage. while she grumbled about me not having enough sleep, i thought she was secretly happy to be receiving the attention. and this morning, it was interesting. she woke up at 3.45am and she did not use her walking frame. instead she walked slowly to the toilet and washed up. i was awaken by the sound of running water, but decided against walking out to help her. i kept quiet but later decided that i should just call out to her to be careful and walk slowly. i need to tell her that i was awake, but at the same time, impressed upon her that i have confidence in her to manage her walking independently.

well… tonight, i'll sleep with my door open again. let's see how things go tomorrow. if things are ok, i will probably start to close my door through the night again.

:-)

financial review

it's been many years since i started investing and i took the chance over the last week since my mum was hospitalized to head to the bank to review the investments. there was the push to do it becos one of the investment i made got back to me and told me that they would be taking the fund off the market and if i do not realize the value, they will simply sell it off and credit it into my account.

well, it seemed like a straight forward matter as i headed to the bank. but when the personal banker opened up my account, he almost fell off his chair. well, you see, i have been a lazy investor that do not spend any efforts to monitor and manage my investments at all. and over time, i have invested small amounts and sell of every once a while to finance my housing loans, car loans etc. and as a result, my investment records are in a mess! accordingly most investments would make money 2-3 years after their initial launch and most people would sell them off. for me, i have not looked at what i bought over the many years and not really analyze what to sell what i sell. what this meant was - many of the stuff i bought has gone into the red, and there were times where i sold off some that i should have kept etc. as a result, the amount of monies i have lost over time was quite substantial. wtf right?

all these created a huge challenge for the personal banker. i had to give him 2 hours to consolidate the numbers and after which he had to get an investment specialist to attend to me, just to advice me how to move ahead with whatever monies i have left… 

i was like… hmmm… how the hell am i gonna plan for my retirement when what i have can barely last me a year or two, based on my current liabilities!?!? it is bad enough for me to be part of the so called sandwiched generation (where most of our savings are used up either on loans for to sustain the livelihood of the previous generation. and end of it all, we may appear comfortable but in reality, we are a living time bomb), but to be caught with poor financial management efforts really adds to the headaches. 

my own creation… can only blame myself!

damned! 

fit for discharge

mum was finally cleared for discharge today. well, sort of, i supposed. you see, the hospital is operating on 100% occupancy rate and as long as patients are relatively well and deemed sufficiently independent of nursing care, they would be encouraged to continue their recovery process at home. 

and this morning, while at work, i got a text from my brother-in-law telling me that my eldest sis will not be visiting her since she said she would be discharged during lunchtime. naturally, i dropped all tools and rushed down to the hospital, but as i made my way there, i got a call from the nurse. you need not come down now. your mum will only be discharged at about 4pm. we need to do some final checks and documentations for her before she could be discharged…

hmmm, ok, so the "discharged by lunchtime" call was mum's call. guessed she was a little too excited about it. anyway, i continued to visit her and chatted with her for a while. and since my boss had let me off, i was free technically till 4pm. and i went to the pool for a quick final hour mental break. haha… well, end of it all, i managed to get mum home by 5pm, and she was so excited about being able to come home and go shopping she didn't want to shower. the nurse had cleaned me this morning. and we should be able to head out soon… she said.

heh… so i brought her to the airport, had some chicken tonic soup and a good dinner. and after that wheeled her around the different terminals in the airport to view all the different installation art pieces and got home only at 9-plus.

she is now sound asleep. all said and done, it was clear she was again weakened by her pneumonia. she could hardly walk now. and i need to wheel her around, even in the house. i'll be sleeping with my bedroom door open so that i will know once she wakes up and moves around. 

time to hit the sack!

zzzzz...

忍

need to constantly remind myself to 忍 and to keep calm

despite all the nitpicking and hostilities from my brother

openly in front of the public. 

told my mum that once she dies,

i will sell my house,

move away,

and no longer keep in touch with him.

i need to preserve my sanity.

忍一时风平浪静，退一步海阔天空。

picture from www.zihua01.com

it's the end

there have been quite a bit of publicity for the institute of technical education (also known as "ite" for short) recently. and today, it was in the papers again. it seems like there was an on-going effort by the ministry of education to align the ite curriculum with those of local polytechnics. this is to ensure there is some consistency in learning progression and synchronization of learning outcomes nation-wide.

and when bee saw this new, he asked me this: "how come this year ite has so much limelight?" well, i didn't answer, i didn't know the answer too. but his question reminded me of someone who cheekily told me that the term ite means... "it's the end". i thought it was quite funny, but not in a derogatory way. perhaps such a cheeky take on the acronym is in direct reference to the fact that students who do not fare well academically in mainstream schools, but are more inclined towards technical skills, are channeled to ite. well, perhaps the fact that there is such an cheeky take suggests something needs to be done to strengthen the brand.

nonetheless, i hope this is not what the ite students think...

crushed snake

i don't like snakes. but still, i feel sad that this has to happen to the snake, being crushed by a car and sun dried till it look like some fossil from some prehistoric times. and lagi (even) worst, kenah (got) trampled by people...

sighs.

titrate upwards

when i visited my mum yesterday, i voiced my concerns with the hospital doctor for giving mum such a low dosage of her mental institute medications. 

i thought the doctor had over-reacted. but it was with good intentions nonetheless. apparently, when she was admitted, they gave her the usual dosage of her mental medicine and as a result, she got totally knocked out. and then the doctors in the a&e department thought she had suffered a stroke and pressed the alarm and activated the neuro-specialist. and on the second day, they got over-conservative and cut her usual dosage to a quarter… this resulted in her getting paranoid and begin spouting all sorts of accusations and worries immediately after her vital signs stabilized. 

anyway, after i voiced my concerns yesterday, i was glad that they took heed of my advice to titrate her mental institute's medications upwards again. she seemed a little more stable mentally today. nonetheless, she was still saying some unpleasant things that suggest her paranoia was still there. i did a check this evening and was glad that they have increased the dosage back to her pre-hospitalization levels. lets' hope she gets "a little more" normal tomorrow.

if things continue to be so smooth and she continue to respond well to the treatment, i think she would be discharged in 2 days time.

let's see...

turn of events

7am

slept at close to 3am, woke up at 6-ish, changed up and headed to the hospital to check on mum. she was sleeping soundly. i tried to wake her but she couldn't wake up. it was not usual cos she'd be awake by this time usually. the nurse came up to me and said she might have a brain hemorrhage after all. but the nurse qualified that she was not clear of the findings and that only the doctor would be able to give me the correct assessment. seeing mum like that, i knew there was nothing i could do and i left for office.

8.30am

at my usual parking space beside the road, i parked my car and, for that moment, felt totally lost. i thought about the possibility of losing my mum and i just sat in my car and cried. and i decided not to head to office after all. so unglam to head to office with my panda, red and swollen eyes. i drove off and headed to the coffee shop for a quick bite. and as i ate, i noticed a missed call from the hospital. quickly, i finished my food and rushed back to the hospital.

9.15am

i walked into the observation ward and the nurse came up to me. oh, i called you. your mum is awake. i took a look and there she was, she had finally opened her eyes. i called out to her and she could respond a little here and there. the doctors came, and told me they were treating it as a case of bad pneumonia. but the doctors cautioned. her blood pressure is still very low, and she's still not out of the woods yet. she may just still slip off anytime... so…

11am

i had stayed with mum for the last 2-3 hours or so. and through this period i could see her slowly getting better. her blood pressure had increased to a more reasonable level and she was no longer panting. but her face was still a little swollen and she frequently slipped into little naps. i decided to leave her at that time, knowing that my brother and my eldest sister would be visiting her over the lunch hour.

3pm

i had gone for a quick mental blank-out at the swimming pool. and after that i got home, did the laundry and totally knocked out on my bed. woke up at 2.30pm and made my way back to the hospital. she had been transferred to the general ward (from the observation ward). and i was amazed by what i saw. she was sitting up and recognized me when i walked into the ward. and more importantly, she was able to hold a conversation, and her fever had subsided. apparently, she had responded very well to the many injections and antibiotics and apart from slight wheezing, she seemed normal. but she's still on a heavy dose of oxygen. her oxygen saturation collapse very fast when the oxygen was removed. anyway, i spoke with her until my second sis arrived at 5pm. and i decided to take my leave at 5.30pm. was a close shave. been a tense 24 hours. but it seemed like she's ok for now.

7pm

i brought sapphie out for a short run. been a long time since i did that for i couldn't do it when mum was around. anyway, i got a call from second sis. she pre-empt me - don't get angry with what i am going to say ok? and said "mum is still very convinced that you frequently visit the woman that made dad bad. and she said you are planning to kill her" well, with this input, i think she's quite normal now despite her wheezing like crazy! start of the same old sh** again for me!

hahahha!

turn for the worst

got a call from the hospital at 1130pm. 

your mum's condition took a turn for the worst. her blood pressure has dropped to dangerously low, and she's not responsive. we are doing a brain scan now as we suspect she has a stroke. we are in contact with the tan tock seng neurospecialists and they are advising us how to manage her. we need to discuss with you how to manage her if her condition turns bad. do we go in and aggressively keep her, even to the extend of inserting a tube to help her breath? or do we let her go?…

well… keep her as long as you can, until i can make arrangements for my family to see her.

well, that was how the conversation went between the doctor and i. and i rushed down to the hospital. my second sis came along. and i contacted my bro and my bro-in-law. all noted the update. and through the evening, i got a earful from my brother about how i ill-treated my dad, how i continue to ill-treat my mum, how i refused to get a maid for her, how… yup… long list of accusations. very difficult to handle the conversation and i sensed myself getting angry. decided to cut short the conversation by hanging up the phone a few times, just to call back again, pretending that the line dropped. he always has anger-management issues. cooled myself down and told myself that as long as my conscience is clear, it doesn't matter what he says. 

anyway, as for my mum. she was put through a brain scan, they did not find any blood clots. but they are not ruling out the possibility of a blood clot. and after discussing all the symptoms, i asked them - what time did you administer the evening medications? my question kinda caught the doctors by surprise. and i explained that she (my mum) would knock-out flat nightly after her evening medications. that has been the effects of the mental health medication to control her paranoia, delusion, etc. the knock-out effect would last some 4hours before she would stir at about 1-2am. and with this input, the doctors went to check the records. and hey, it was kinda consistent that the blood pressure drop, her lack of responsiveness etc, all started about 45min after they administered the evening medications! 

with this realization, they heaved a small sigh of relief. at least there was some possibility that it was not something more serious or life threatening. despite that, the doctors assured me they will monitor her through the night closely and hopefully she start getting a little more responsive at about 3am. and to test my inputs, the doctor tried to wake her up. and this time, she responded a little… whew. let's see if she stirs later on. they'll keep me posted if anything should go wrong, they said. and with that, i returned home. 

fingers crossed.

your mum vomited

was at my desk and a call came in. the phone screen showed the name of the rehab center manager. "ahhhh... your mum vomit in the ambulance on way home. you got anyhow at home? she's very weak and need help now...". i told her i will return home right away.

i arrived home within 15min to find mum at the void deck slummed against the chair, and the rehab center staff beside her. quickly i transferred her to the wheelchair and brought her home. once home, i helped her change into a t-shirt but i could get her to change into her sarong, she vomited again and went into a state of semi-consciousness. her whole body went frigid and felt very hot

i called for the ambulance straightaway. decided it would not be right to try to wash her up and to send her to the general hospital. very soon, the ambulance came. it was not easy for me at that moment cos as i waited, she was slipping into a state of unconsciousness...

anyway, the ambulance finally arrived, and she was promptly send to the hospital. and she was wheeled into the a&e department immediately. the doctors have concluded that she has had another bout of infection and her lungs were affected. my suspicion was that she caught the bug from my nephew as he had a cold when she stayed over during my duty travel.

she regained consciousness after they put her through intensive oxygen treatment and her 40 degrees temperature has dropped. managed to speak with her for a while and gave her a little something to eat. she couldn't recall what happened and was totally confused. but well, thankfully she's alive. she should be staying in the hospital for a couple of days...

little breaks

decided to take a mental break and applied for half day leave this morning.

i realized i will be busy coming 2-3 weeks as a new colleague will be joining my department tomorrow and i have been tasked to buddy her and run her into the company. so... yup, got my car serviced, and since i have some time before i can collect my car, i went for a short 10min tan at the public pool, and walked around and had lunch at a shopping center downtown.

been a long long while. nice view during my lunch too!

:-)

weird dream 2

this dream occurred this morning.

i was walking aimlessly out of my estate (again, as in all dreams, it felt like my estate but physically it looked different) towards the main road. and then somehow (like a bridging scene between two different sets in a movie), i found myself on a crowded walkway that appeared out of nowhere. people beside me told me this walkway was a short cut to the bus stop and before i knew it, i was at the bus stop.

it was weird but at that time, it seemed like i was making my way to school, tanjong katong technical school, to be specific (in real life, i was never in tk tech). i was waiting for my bus when i noticed james (my ex) standing close by. he didn't see me and he was chatting with a young boy. he spotted a tiny goatee and he dressed young. the boy must be his student, i thought. as i waited for the bus, i took frequent glances at them and hoped to be able to see which bus james would board. just then a bus came and everybody rushed to it, and as i was standing close to the bus entrance, i invariably found myself caught in the crowd. and when the bus moved off, james was no longer where he stood. i looked around and saw him seated at the back of the bus that had just left. and he turned his head an looked at me.

another bus came and i boarded. it didn't matter what the bus number was although i realized at that very point that i didn't know which bus goes to tk tech. and for some reasons, i was holding a school certificate. i walked to the rear of the bus after boarding and i walked pass an indian family. now this family comprised the mother, a prosperous sized woman who wore a traditional indian sari, her son (who was sitting beside me) and the father (whose presence was felt, but i didn't notice how he looked like). anyway, as i passed the indian lady, she looked at me. she saw my certificate in my hand and told her son how good the results were. she said it could be a masters degree and that her son should strive for it too. quickly i corrected her and said it was only an a-level certificate and not a masters degree...

and then i woke up.

another anti-climax dream.

weird dream 1

had a weird dream two nights ago.

i had brought mum out to do some shopping (as usual) and when i returned home, the door was ajar. well, ok it was a home in my dream although the house didn't look anything near my real life home. the sofa was black and the layout of the house was different. in fact it looked like a tv drama set-up living room, and i was looking at myself peeking into the room, just like a tv drama scene.

anyway, i saw myself looking in and realized that the house had been broken in to and things were all over the place. my first thought was not to make mum panic and left her outside the house as i walked in. it was a mess, but interesting speaking, there was a rack of clothes, mum's clothes for that matter, and all were all nicely pressed and hung. and interestingly all the clothing were brightly coloured.

i saw myself walked into the bedroom, and similarly it was all messed up...

and then i woke up...

a rather anticlimax end with no closure, i must say,

:-)

weeeee... identity!

launched a new program for my company yesterday after months of development. glad it was well-received.

feeling drained but satisfied.

:-)

regretful incident @ the temple

brought mum to the temple today. it was the first day of the tenth lunar month and felt right to pay a visit to the temple. and as always, we went there about 3-ish when the sun was not so warm. 

we arrived at the temple at about 3.45pm and i promptly wheeled mum to the altar located outside the main door. i picked up a couple of joss sticks but when i went around the place, i noted all the candles and light had been extinguished. i walked into the main hall itself, looking for a light. and the auntie looking after the hall told me not to use joss sticks and to just use my hands, it's the same she said. and she added that the temple would be closing soon. well, i could have explained to her that perhaps it was the same to her, but to me and i was sure to my mum, it was different (for different reasons). anyway, i did not refute. i simply thanked her and went out to tell my mum about it. 

my mum took it in good spirit, placed her palms together and made a prayer as she faced the sky. and when she was done, i turned the wheelchair and pushed her towards the main hall entrance (where the buddhas were located inside). i was just two steps away from the door when the auntie, despite seeing me, slammed the door onto me and my mum's face. wt..! i was surprised, shocked and simply disappointed with such a behavior. i did not say anything but just told mum to say her prayers in front of the closed doors. again, mum took it well. she could not understand why the temple closed so early, but took it in stride and simply accepted the fact that at least she managed to make her way to the temple today.

sighs…

mar-seh-lee

well yes, that is how the auntie at the market pronounce the word "mercedez" - mar-seh-lee. and it was quite funny actually. was pushing mum along the housing estate shop houses and came face-to-face with another auntie on a wheelchair. she was being pushed by her domestic helper. she looked at my mum, and then looked at me, and gave out a small laugh. and she said out loud "wah, chit pai chin chueh mar-seh-lee!"  (wow, nowadays there's a lot of mercedez [people on wheelchair]!)

and off she went… 

lol! it's nice to see things from a fun side and laugh at oneself once a while.

johari window

the johari window

i was in jakarta this week to conduct some training and introduced the johari window to the course participants, and the first question that came from participants was - is johari indonesian or malaysian?

hmmm…

ps: the name johari actually came from two persons… joseph luft and harrington ingham

shopping centers

have been bringing mum to different shopping centers very often, so much so that i am not interested in the things anymore. perhaps it is my lack of attachments to material things, but i do not see the need to buy anything that i do not use. is that a sign of age? haha… anyway, people go shopping center to look at things, i go shopping center to look at people. haha… one of the few opportunities to remind myself that i am, after all, a social creature.

then again, i am not good at interacting with people.

:-)

smooth@work

things have been going on very fine at work for me. and i am now a little worried. at the rate things are falling apart in the department and the rate people are leaving, it seemed like only my area is well kept and growing very well. and moving ahead, i can see my own areas growing to the point where i will likely be overwhelmed and yet at the same time, i am expected to help stabilize the department!

challenging days ahead! but of cos opportunities aplenty.

hurray? or haiz?

i don't know too…

lol!

thor: the dark world

caught the show on friday night with bee. decided to have a brainless and no stress evening. simple  and straightforward storyline although i must say it was not as engaging as the first. but yeah… pardon me for being shallow, chris hemsworth, who played the lead role as thor, was such a gorgeous hunk! and for that alone, it was worth the 2-hour plus in the cinema.

*like*

:-)

sapphie is 13!

today is sapphie's 13th birthday!

celebrated it early and bought her durians and papaya yesterday. she walloped everything superbly fast! and today, i decided to groom her. of cos, from her perspective, it was not something she looked forward to. i gave her a bath, cleaned her ears, and for the first time in many many years, to trimmed all her toe nails at one go, much to her protest.

lol!

break time

i went to jakarta to conduct training this week. flew off on tue night, conducted training on wed and thur and returned by late thur night. so technically, i was only away for 2 days. anyway, i brought mum to stay with my bro since last sunday and only fetched her yesterday.

told her i would be away from tue to fri night. decided to keep away the details from her. didn't want her to think too much and worst of all, didn't want her to suspect i am trying to get rid of her. i wasn't, just for the record. and for me myself, i needed the break.

and so, i managed to have a day's break. a mental break. worked for half a day on fri before my boss asked me to take the rest of the day off. and managed to head off to the pool to simple blank off, catch a show with bee, and simply do what i wanted to do without worrying about mum getting suspicious etc. while i noted she got a little emo once a while through the week, she seemed pretty ok when i fetched her on saturday morning.

i supposed all's well that ended well…

:-)

travel log

here's my updated travel-log…

2013
may - philippines (clark)
jul - malaysia (kl)
aug - indonesia (jakarta)
oct - indonesia (jakarta)

2012
nil

2011
feb - malaysia (jb)
jun - malaysia (jb)
oct/ nov - china (hong kong sar)

2010
may - malaysia (jb)
oct - indonesia (bintan)
nov - indonesia (jakarta)
dec - united arab emirates (abu dhabi, dubai)

2009
jun/jul - australia (perth, cervantes, margaret river, augusta, walpole, denmark, pemberton, manjimup, albany, hyden, corrigin, york, fremantle, joondalup)
jul - malaysia (malacca)
sep - malaysia (malacca)
nov - malaysia (jb)

2008
jun - thailand (phuket)
oct - malaysia (malacca, kuala lumpur)
dec - malaysia (cameron highlands, malacca)

2007
apr - malaysia (malacca)
apr - china (beijing)
jun - australia (perth)
aug - vietnam (hanoi, haphong)
aug - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)
dec - china (shanghai)

2006
apr - malaysia (kl)
jun - australia (sydney)
aug - thailand (bangkok)
sep-oct - indonesia (jakarta, bandung, lembang)
oct - thailand (bangkok)
dec - china (hong kong)

2005
feb - thailand (bangkok)
mar - malaysia
may - thailand (bangkok)
jun - indonesia (bintan)
jul - indonesia (bintan)
sep - indonesia (bintan)
oct - malaysia (kl)
nov - malaysia (jb, malacca)
nov - indonesia (bintan)
dec - taiwan (taipei)

2004
feb - taiwan (kaoshiung)
mar - taiwan (kaoshiung)
jun-dec - states (whole of florida, new york, chicago / illinois, etc)
dec - china (shanghai, hangzhou)

2003
jun - australia (sydney)
sep-oct - taiwan (taipei)
dec - s korea (seoul, sorat, incheon)

2002
jun - england (london, oxford, stratford upon avon, leeds, manchester, scarborough, windermere, etc)

2001
mar - states (california [la, sfo], new york)
may - taiwan (whole)
may - malaysia
jul - states (san diego)
dec - malaysia

2000
jun - australia (sydney)
dec - indonesia (bintan)

1999
feb - indonesia (jember)
may - england (london, brighton)
jun - malaysia
oct - japan (tokyo)

1998
mar - malaysia
jun - malaysia
sep - new zealand (christchurch)
nov - new zealand (christchurch, auckland)

1997
jun - indonesia (bintan, batam)
jun - thailand (bangkok, pattaya)
nov - switzerland (zurich, lucerne), israel (jerusalem)

pre-1997
lots of places but mainly in asia. these include east and west malaysia (lost count), taiwan (almost every city/town you can think of, lost count), hong kong (twice?), australia brisbane, sydney, melbourne (1994), thailand (bangkok, kanchanaburi, chiangmai, chiangrai) (lost count), indonesia (bintan, batam, jember, surabaya) (trice?), brunei (lost count), philippines (metro manila, cabanatuan city) (1995), etc etc etc...

draining week

was in indonesia to conduct a program for my indonesian office over the week.

bloody draining. and as per all things indonesians, i start early, rush rush rush and then wait… and the participants will take their time to arrive, and even then, they will dilly dally… all things will be well once the program starts. and after an hour or so, they will ask for tea break. and once the break starts, they will disappear. and despite it being only a 15min tea break, by the time the next lesson starts, it would be 45min later. well, that is the culture. you cannot change it regardless of how hard you try. on my part, i have learned from my previous experience. to conduct training in indonesia, despite keeping to your learning outcomes, you over-plan, yet use the minimal (about 30-40% of the materials) and leave a lot of time free to cater to contingencies, such as participant's disappearance. not very productive, but that is the way things are. one cannot expect too much.

anyway, i was there for 2 days. i had to conduct different programs for both days and with different participants. and i have reminded the co-ordinator time and again to remind all participants to be present. and despite all the reminders and promises… on the first day, i was told to expect 25 pax. 17 turned up in the end. hmmm, not too bad i guess. on the second day, it was more challenging. the activities had to be preplanned and i had to organize the class into groups, each group based on very specific individual profiles. and i had expected 28 pax. the day before, the co-ordinator told me 22 pax would be there. and so, i had to change all the groupings the day before. on that day itself, 16 turned up, and i had to scramble and change the groupings. and by the time the lesson began, only 12 pax were present. arghhhh… 

by the time the day ended, i was totally drained. and before i left, the co-ordinator asked me to return for another round of training in dec. and again in jan… haiz!

i am just happy the week had ended.

vertically challenged

i recalled a blogger friend referring himself as vertically challenged. perhaps when compared to his peers he is not as tall, but to be really vertically challenged, i can imagine someone standing up and facing the groin of another person. and i saw someone like that this morning. here's the story...

from afar, i thought it was a guy and his daughter. but it was weird to see someone bring his daughter to the business park on a monday morning. and when they got closer i realized they were colleagues. the "girl" turned out to be a lady who's eye was at the height of the guy's belly button and even more interesting, she was wearing 3-inch high heels.

no, i am not laughing at her. but i do think about all the practical issues and challenges she would face everywhere.

very challenging!

ps: the guy's not exceptionally tall, just a normal 1.7-ish height.

weather talk

i never like weather talk. it's superficial and to me, very stressful...

earlier this week as i was heading to office, i chanced upon a colleague at the lift landing. he worked on the upper floor and other than knowing each other's existence, we have never spoken to each other. and so i thought i'd be nice and greeted him. he acknowledged similarly and there was a momentary silence. before i could start a conversation, he said "oh, the weather these days are very hot." wow! what a statement! how would he expect me to respond to such a statement! and so i went "yup, very hot indeed." and then there was a momentary silence again. and as i was just about to feel awkward again, he continued "last week, the weather very wet. lots of thunderstorm." once again, i was like wtf, here he goes again!. anyway, i answered "yup, very wet indeed". and this time round, he did not pause, and he continued "and today, very warm"...

wtf! i was so thankful i reached my floor by then.

lol!

growing up lessons

my growing up and maturing journey has been most humbling. there were a few key lessons learned and they include...

• do not judge too fast. or for that matter, do not judge at all.
• everyone has their story.
• listen.
• be objective, not emotional.
• slow down, live in the present.
• be appreciative.
• don't compare.
• be humble.
• accept that there are things i do not know.
• be compassionate.
• respect others.
• give others the benefit of doubt (which is related to the first point).
• ...

and so with age, it is not that i am not idealistic anymore, but i have learnt that my ideals is just what it is - mine. i need to accept that there are other ways of framing things and that there are logic that i do not know, or may never know. anyway... just thought i'd write what comes to mind cos i have been receiving quite a bit of emails lately from young friends with tensions...

disrespectful person

i seldom confront people. but when i see behaviors that are unacceptable, i will do so, especially when it involves a young person who was disrespectful. and that was exactly what i did today.

you see, i was wheeling my mum along the cold storage (a local supermarket chain) food aisle when i came the junction where two aisles meet. and it so happened that at that moment, an auntie was there and she came face-to-face with a young girl. before going on, let me describe this girl. she looked probably 20 years of age. seemed well-educated. dressed like she had just returned from school. for on her right hand, she had an iphone and some files. and on her left hand, a grocery basket. overall, she looked like a typical uni-student, bright, young and perhaps come from a well-to-do family.

ok, back to the incident. the girl and the auntie were in each other's way and the first thing the girl did was to make that "tserk" sound, and gave the auntie a wtf flustered look, like as though the auntie had offended her big time. as for the auntie, she tried to make space for the girl by taking a step to the left and it so happened that the girl took a step to the right. so... again, the girl gave that auntie an evil wtf look. the auntie decided to move backwards and gave way to the girl. the girl look one helluva unhappy, made an immediate left turn. she did not even thanked the auntie for making way for her! and guessed what? when she did that, she came to face me.

and she gave me that wtf look too! i was annoyed by her behavior! but i kept quiet, she must have had a bad day, i thought. and as she walked passed me, she turned and stared at me. and once again gave me the wtf look. that did it for me. don't mess with me this way. i did not do anything to warrant such stares from you! and i did not hesitate to ask her, very firmly, "is there a problem?" she must have been taken aback by my question. her wtf face immediately disappeared and she quickly replied "oh, no, no..." and with that, she quickly walked off.

what a rude girl. regardless of how well-to-do, well-educated you are, you are doomed to failure character-wise if you cannot behave yourself and conduct yourself well.

i feel sad for her.

young detective dee: rise of the sea dragon

went for the show young detective dee: rise of the sea dragon with bee last saturday. after reading the bad reviews, i had expected a lot less. and a few thoughts rushed through me as i watched the show, and they were...

(1) wah! such lousy animation/ computer effects, (2) the guys are really cute, and i especially like lin gengxin (he also starred in the tv serial 步步惊心), of cos, mark chao was not too bad too, (3) wow! there was a horse that could swim underwater, crazy! (4) alamak, how come there's a disease that can turn a man into a sea monster, and somemore he looked like some creature from the marsh! (5) and woooohhh, such a huge stingray. would not have a chance to grow to that size if sambal stingray had been invented back then... and of cos, it always make me very excited to see old china being created on screen... regardless of dynasty.

haha! despite all these, i thought it was a good show! good storyline, great plot! and competent acting by the team of actors.

enjoyed it!

i worry

through my online presence, i got to know quite a few people, young people for that matter. most of them can pass off as my son by age. but then again, becos of the circumstances that we got to know each other, we became friends. kinda interesting right? especially so when they are about the same age as my nieces, and i can imagine how awkward it would be if they were around in the presence of my nieces. one will see and address me as uncle, and another would talk to me like a friend and address me by my name. ha!

admittedly, through the interactions, i was constantly conscious of our age gap and tried my very best to talk to them as equals. it is not good to be perceived as condescending for that is not me. on the other hand, i do at times feel a little impatient when i came faced with views that i felt is a tat too immature and naive. and i do remind myself to hold myself back and ask them to reflect. truth be told, i have had my fair share of naive past and i have learned and grown up from them. i supposed age has an effect. i do not consider myself to be a know-all but i perhaps can better appreciate the phrase "wisdom comes with age" now. i am a little more experienced and perhaps have seen and learn to understand that in life, it is perhaps useful to see things less from a self-centric point of view. and that there will always be things that are not perfect. and it is not that i have compromised my ideals, but rather, i have come to accept that we cannot expect things to change so quickly, and that our ideals are not necessarily the ideals shared by many.

in many instances, when i interacted with these young friends, their views come across as idealistic and a tat immature. yet from a certain perspective, the idealistic nature reflects the date to dream, and that is good. but i also feel pretty perturbed too. perturbed for that fact that i see an increasing trend of people who are pretty frustrated, very pent up. somehow, their correspondences are always so full of angst. i also noted a tendency to see them viewing matters from a me-vs-them point of view. well, there is nothing wrong with this per se, but when this perspective make them feel very bitter and start to blame everything on the government and society at large without first thinking about things more critically, i get a little worried. these me-first mentally is the very start of the failing/ collapse of the society. it is scary. and the things i hear being complained about include policies related to education, national service, immigration, foreign human resources, etc.

it is very regretful and very disheartening. i could only urge more reflection and to try to understand the logic. but certainly, the silver lining out of these ventings is the fact that they are passionate about being singaporean. much as i do not wish to compare, i do not recall my peers and myself being so bitter about society when we were younger. we were not necessarily more accepting nor superficial and we do challenge policies, but in the end, despite our disagreements, we accept. and most importantly, we stand behind the policy makers and we support the policies. we understood that in any policies, there will be trade offs. that no policies will ever be 100% perfect. and we learn to accept policies as long as they are good for the society, and the country, even if we were to be disadvantaged. and certainly, we do not complain nor bitch it to death. i certainly wish our younger generation can do so too. and certainly, it would be ideal if they can learn to be less emotional and a lot more reflective, objective and constructive.

i worry that we now have a new generation of people who have lost the connection with the society, and the trust with the policy makers. worst of all, i hope the tendency to see things from a self-centric point of view does not suggest a more fundamental problem of greed and jealousy taking roots in the society. or has it?

foot stones

many years ago, taking walks on pathways planted with smooth-edged stones was deemed good for health. it was in fact a rave amongst many elderly singaporeans, so much so that the government started creating such amenities for people to walk on in the housing estates. and funnily enough at that time, when people meet, a common topic was about which place has the best stone paths, how sharp the stones were and stories of how they had become much healthier, and stuffs like that.

i was sufficiently curious enough to try stepping on them. and whenever i did so, it never failed to make me wonder how the hell people could walk on such surface, much less derive any health benefits out of it. it was one helluva painful! and to me, any health benefits derived was possibly due to the numbing effect the pain had on people, i thought. i have not tried such self-torture feats after that. now, fast forward 20 years and where i had experienced the pleasures and possible benefits of foot massages, i tried stepping on these stones again today. and...

hey! it didn't feel so painful after all! heh... 

supportive bosses

i am rather blessed to have very understanding bosses at work. 

when they heard that my mum got hospitalized, i was asked to down my tools and to attend to her. place office priorities lower, family is more important. one after another echoed. it was such a contrasting difference from my previous company where i was hauled up to my chief ops officer's office and given a good trashing. you better sort out your mum. she's a problem and it is not fair for me to squeeze other business units head and not squeeze you! thundered my chief ops officer. well, that one sentence convinced me i should leave that company. and i am pretty glad i did.

following her discharge, mum decided that she should attend the rehabilitation center right away and not rest at home for a week or two as suggested by the rehabilitation center manager. mum reckoned she would be bored stiff if she were to stay home. and that was what i did. i called up the center and asked for the transport to pick her up today. and my bosses also gave me the go ahead to arrive work late and to leave early if need be so as to make sure she boards the transport/ return home safely. and i can do so for as long as i need until she gets strong again.

such a nice change. am glad i have such supportive bosses.

:-)

flu...

i think bee passed his flu bug to me. have been down with a sore throat since sunday. and have been downing antibiotics and a few other medication last few days. thankfully, things seemed to be improving ok and i was able to get about doing the daily work and stuff without any problems. but i was conscious not to get too close to mum lest i infect her with my flu bug. so far, things seemed ok.

and one thing i noticed about mum. when i was ok, she would occasionally get into this paranoid state and suspect me whenever she cannot contact me. but since she found out i was sick, she kept telling me not to visit her and to stay at home to rest. and she kept calling me and reminding me about it it got a little scary. i am not sure how to describe it, but somehow it felt like as though she had something up her sleeve... "don't come visit me hor, i am ok, you go sleep and rest hor..." she would repeat, again and again. non-stop. somehow, it seemed like once i become sick (or at least when she knows i am sick), her motherly instinct took over and all her paranoid and whatever mental illness she has got suppressed.

then again, i played it safe. i arranged for my brother to visit her while i rested at home. i certainly do not want her mind to run wild when i didn't visit. one can never under-estimate the extend to which her mind can imagine. 

:-)

5-day break?

well for the past 5 days when mum was in the hospital, bee came over a couple of evenings. and other than the meals and short times together, we also managed to do what we used to do some long time back when he lived with me. you know, those mutual grooming stuff... other than that, it was lots of rest for him too cos he was down with a bad flu. and all too soon, mum has recovered and bee has to go "underground" again. and as usual, we need to make sure there were no traces of him left behind. things like his clothes, his laundry, etc. better be safe than sorry...

:-)

discharged

mum was discharged yesterday. and the holiday feel continues cos i took leave. then again, holiday ends cos mum will be at home. haha... no la, not complaining. caregivers need a break too, just that the break is a bit unconventional. it happens only when the elderly or sick is hospitalized.

:-)

frog tales

was at a wedding lunch and an ex-colleague who is still in service was there too. i could see his discomfort when i addressed him by his first name but who cares. rank and position has no meaning to me now.

anyway, during lunch, the conversation topic at the table drifted to job search. i spoke about how military officers are not very good at marketing themselves and thus would need to improve in this area to enhance their search process. and my ex-colleague gushed about how in the forces, he need not look for jobs cos the job will come to him, he just needs to wait for the order to come... well, it's nice to be in that kinda system but certainly from a choice perspective, it would not be very nice, i thought. then again, that's his perspective of things.

incidentally, i have been coaching another ex-colleague who's preparing to leave the military. when we first reconnect, i could see how unprepared and green he was, but as time passes, i could sense the excitement in him grow as he embrace this new phase in his life. i wished he could leave with better after-taste but that was not the case. a little regretful frankly. but hey, that's the reality of things. when you move on orders, you will eventually hit a point where you will feel unhappy. unhappy when larger thinking change, when you are no longer the flavor of the top, when what you do is no longer deemed critical... having spend the last 5 years outside, i can only say this - that the world out here is one helluva exciting and we need to be outside to appreciate! the frog in the well syndrome will hit us without us realizing it if we stay inside too long. worst still, we learned to justify the beauty of the well, and glorify how it protects the water that gives lives etc.

i left early during that wedding lunch. i didn't want to continue conversations with people who talks like they know the world outside and constantly use management theories to argue their points about the outside world. 

come out. experience. then talk. but for now...

seek to understand. 

be humble.

haywire mum

mum went haywire again this evening. 

visited her at the hospital during lunch as well as during the evening visitation hour. i left a little earlier and told her i will be heading out for dinner. all things seemed well. she called me later in the evening at about 9.26pm. i was in the shower and noted i had 3 missed calls. when i called back, she refused to answer the call. and it took me quite a while and almost about 20 over calls before she picked the call. even then she refused to talk. and in the background i heard her shouting "i don't give a damn about him, i don't want to talk to him!" 

well... she has gone berserk yet again by the sounds of it. sighs, must be her paranoia. you see, every time she calls me and i don't pick up the call, or when i pick the call a little longer than expected, she would demand to know where i was and who i was with. she has this thing about "people wanting to kill her" and constantly believes that i mix with people who are out to harm her. and so whenever i answer her calls late, it would naturally mean "i am having a meeting with bad people to kill her". very tiring, frankly. anyway, i called her again and again and after some 15min, the nurse picked the call. she doesn't want to talk to you, the nurse said. i know, but i insisted i wanted to talk to her. if i don't hear her voice, i will continue calling, i said. the nurse tried to coax my mum to talk but she refused. she couldn't do anything and decided to just let things be. and so for the next one hour, i kept on calling her handphone, non-stop. 

i wanted to make an impact on her. it was after almost an hour of non-stop calling before i stopped. and i called the hospital ward and spoke with the nurse. i apologized for disturbing them but explained that i had to do it. i wanted to make the impression on her. that she should not behave like that. the nurse was nice and told me she understood. and i told the nurse to work with me to manage her, given her anxiety, paranoia and delusional nature. "go take the phone from her, switch it off, tell her that her son (aka me) is disturbing everyone and that you needed to switch off her phone. show her your action of switching off the phone, i need her to see your action so that she will not expect any more calls. also, for tonight, observe her closely. don't disturb her sleep. she will dream, she might be delusional. if this happens, she will see my grandfather and she might just go berserk and want to leave the hospital. please observe her closely."

it was after this call and talk to the nurse that i stopped calling. i will let her sleep for tonight. hopefully she goes through without any issues. i am sure she will be emotional and would refuse to talk to me tomorrow. such emotional swings happen all the time. it is something that i cannot get use to, despite having happened many times before. well... let's just see how it unfolds...

haiz...

cough cough cough

i took leave today to bring mum to the hospital eye center for her half-yearly eye check-up. she started coughing and wheezing badly on the way to the eye center. after the check-up and while we were on the way out, i playfully suggested to her that i will bring her to the a&e, knowing that she always resists, for fear of having to be admitted. surprisingly, she said ok. and i quickly took the chance and made a short detour. better go before she refuse to next time round, i thought. but once we arrived at the a&e, her coughing and wheezing stopped. and she was put on the "normal non-emergency" queue. hahaha... i teased her that we will be send home after given some cough medication.

waited quite a while at the triage, and when our turn came, the nurse asked me what happened. i explained accordingly and for some unknown reasons, the nurse decided to bring her into the observation ward and put her onto the bed instead of leaving her on the wheelchair. the process of climbing up the bed took its toll and triggered off the wheezing straightaway. the next thing i knew, she was wheeled into the critical care ward, given 3 rounds of nebulizer and before long, the doctor came out to tell me she needs to be admitted immediately.

thinking about it, i thought it was quite funny actually.

hahaha!

bimbo moments

i got a message from a friend telling me his colleague was so impressed with the little compass on his lanyard she requested to take a look... and then she exclaimed, excitingly "omg omg! it's amazing how the needle remained pointing to the same direction regardless of how i turned the compass..." yup, my  friend was speechless...

after i read the message, i lol literally! and my lady colleague looked at me, wondering why i suddenly lol and i showed her the message. and.... (silence).... (silence)... (silence)...

(i could almost hear the cricketing chirping....) many seconds passed, and then suddenly she gave a little laugh... "oh, its a compass and it was supposed to point north..." she exclaimed quietly. it was my turn to get speechless!

lol lol!

bimbo moments?

oct 2013

time seemed to stand still when one is young. at that time, chinese new years seemed to take forever to arrive! and when one is in the 40s, time seems to zip by! darned! it's wednesday! and it's mid-oct 2013!

happy mid-week!

koi koi...

i decided to pamper myself and purchased a cup of koi (milk tea) (actually, my staff bought it for me). and as i queued, i half expected the sales staff to say "unker, u too old for this" cos... omg! the people in the queue can easily pass off as my children!

lol!

of animals & men

it was like a scene from an epic, along the lines of the biblical story of moses and the opening of the red sea or the noah's ark, or for that matter, the lord of the ring where frodo arrived at tower of saraman. the scene was dark and gloomy. i was leading a group of people and animals. altogether we number in the hundreds. we were on the move and we arrived at a hostile place. we needed to get across an obstacle, i wasn't too sure if it was a river or a huge room, there was an exit point to work towards. in this obstacle, there were hostilities, hostilities that wanted to thwart our plans to move. but i must get the group across. a few things were clear to us. the hostilities would know our identity and would possibly kill us.

i wanted to seek ideas on how to overcome this obstacle and i asked for the whole group to convene. i needed to find a way to hide the animals. there were chickens, ducks, birds, etc... and when i turned around, there were only humans. none of the animals could be found. i asked about their whereabouts, nobody knew. someone shouted out that the animals has left us a few hours back and had not returned. i got angry. that answer was not acceptable and demanded the animals attendance. and an old man, bearded and in a long tunic (think about the image of moses) standing beside me said, but we have been here all the while. it dawned upon me that the animals had taken the initiative to seek magical help and had transformed themselves temporarily into humans. but their transformation was only transient, only to cross the obstacle.

we came out with a plan to get everyone across. i decided that we should cross in teams. each team would comprise an animal (in human form) and a few humans. i reminded all humans to pay particular attention to ensure the safety of the animals. but at the back of my head, i was worried. worried about the possibility that some animals might have loopholes in their transformation, a tail or some animal features perhaps, and that might endanger them or the team... fast forward. some teams got across safely, including one of the most priced animal.

and then the scene changed. i was in a room. there was a woman seated behind a table. on the table, there was a baby. the woman was embracing the baby, protecting it. the baby was asleep. soundly, serenely. i walked quietly towards the woman and the baby, taking care not to wake the baby up. and i patted the baby.

and i woke up.

weekend over

the weekend came and went... and i had plans to work over the weekend. brought back my laptop. thought through quite a bit of stuff, etc... but in the end, nothing was achieved. the usual weekend routines, etc set in. sweeping, washing, laundry, bathe the dog, etc and before i knew it... but of cos, this weekend was a little different from the other weekends. 

managed to have a drink with bee last night at the marina mandarin hotel. been a while since we did that. and i had to attend a wedding lunch today. it was an invite from an ex-military colleague and so i left mum over at my brother's place from morning. made my way to the wedding lunch and noted that a few of the army people were there. not too keen to talk to them anyway. and so, i wished the couple the very best, completed 2 of the 8(?)-course chinese lunch and left early (i wasn't too hot about having to chat with people i wasn't particularly close to). and i took the opportunity to take a break from mum... came home, brought the dog to pee and went for an afternoon walk-a-jog under the hot sun before heading to my brother's place again. been a long while since i was able to soak myself in the sun...

anyway, by the time i completed my exercise, i called mum and she sounded unhappy, just as i had expected. and when i arrived, she refused to talk to me. gave me black face. well, i pretended like as though i didn't notice anything and just played with my niece and nephew. she recovered after a while. and the rest of the day was as per routine. dinner and stuff...

one more weekend down.

should i be concern?

i suspect mum has been telling my siblings all sorts of things lately. 

earlier this week, my second sis called me just as i was about to knock off from work and asked if i will be home anytime soon. she said mum told her she's very very hungry and that she needed food. and of cos my second sis called and check with me if she should rush down to mum with food. and when i reached home, mum said she's hungry but ok, and that she wanted to complete watching the tv serial before heading out for dinner. and when i asked if she told my sis she's hungry, she claimed that it was second sis that wanted to bring food but she insisted she's not hungry and that i would be home soon to bring her out for dinner... 

and today, during dinner with my brother's family, my brother asked me how come i didn't bring mum to the doctor. i was kinda curious with this question. mum wasn't sick in the first place. and he said mum complained that she had been terribly unwell for quite a few days. and since she was at the table, i threw the question to her instead. she looked at me and denied ever saying she was unwell, instead, saying she's perfectly fine, apart from an occasional choking of her saliva.

hmmm...  

finally

when i was with my previous organisation, i was blessed with a wonderful team, many of whom i hired or was posted in as i strengthen my unit and built new capabilities for the company. 

thus, i felt a deep sense of regret and guilt when i resigned as these people stood by me, supported me to their very best regardless of challenges we faced. and after i left, i maintained very close contact with all of them and supported them whenever they had any issues.

my sense of guilt will be finally laid to rest by this coming week when the last person will tender her resignation. it was really fulfilling and i felt very glad to be able to coach her and helped her through the process of job search, and that she finally found a new job that has a much better prospect and pays a lot better too.

i wish her all the very best.

tele-survey

a telemarketer called and spoke with me in very fluent beijing mandarin, complete with twirling and whirling of the tongue. she must be from china, i thought.  and after about 10sec of talking, she asked: "are you using an iphone, a samsung phone, etc etc etc..."

feeling annoyed with another such tele-survey/ tele-marketing calls, i replied, just as fluently but in queen's english, complete with a slight english accent (that i am sure sounded fake, but i reckoned she couldn't detect), "oh i am sorry, but i don't speak mandarin"... and...

she hung up the phone. not an additional word uttered.

lol!

ignore her! sad!

these days i have learned to update my siblings of my mum's condition whenever something like what happened yesterday happen. and i do so becos i want to avoid the unpleasant experiences i had when i looked after my dad where my siblings and relatives accused me of ill-treating my dad, and starving him before he died.

i invariably find myself managing people around me and not just the person i am looking after (i.e. my mum) these days. and so i updates my siblings (less my eldest sis who is not talking to me) about my mum's strong reactions when i returned home yesterday. and i got their replies an hour or two later.

"ignore her", my brother said.

"sad", my sister said.

i did not continue with both responses.

delusional

mum is delusional again.

i came back from work today and for reasons unknown, once i appeared at the door, she raised her voice and asked me how come you came home in the afternoon? i thought i heard wrongly as sapphie was barking at the same time and asked her what she said, and she asked the same question again... this time, a little louder. feeling a little curious, i asked her why she thought i came home and she curtly replied someone told me. her tone was somewhat unhappy. and she repeated her question yet again.

i turned the question around and demanded who told her such lies. how could i possibly come home when i was so bloody busy at work! i asked and without allowing her to recover from my questioning, i followed immediately with a demand, whoever told you this, i wanna know. she retracted and said, oh, i was simply asking. i did not say you came home, i was simply asking whether you came home. it was not meant to sound angry... i knew that moment that she was mentally off again. her sentences were not coherent. and i have seen enough of such responses to know she is off...

i told myself i needed to create an impression on her mentally. if not, she would continue to imagine all sorts of things. i did not let the matter rest. i twisted my response and told her that she must be vigilant and do not let people influence her thinking. i iterated that as an elderly person, she could easily fall victim to liars who were out to cheat old people of their valuables. as i said all these, i was acutely aware that no one could possibly tell her anything and it was due to her delusional state of mind. and i was cock sure about it cos i did not return home. and once again, i demanded to know again who told her such lies.

this time round, her reply was different again. she said, you don't know that person. i also do not know cos i hardly met him (or her). so don't ask so much. and she added, since you said you did not return, so be it. you did not return... i continued to put pressure on her, and i asked again, and again, and again, who was this person who told you lies! i knew she could not answer. and i eventually added that i was not to be bullied and would not hesitate to call the police if people told lies about me and as a result create tensions between me and her. i added that if the allegations were against my brother, he would have given the person a good trashing. and i threatened the same response. she kept quiet. 

i framed my responses carefully, layering different messages within each sentence. i wanted to make an impression on her mentally yet without making her defensive or upset. and although i went on and on about this "person", how i cannot tolerate illogical accusations and lies, and threatening to take actions against him etc, much of my sentences were actually directed at her and her warped logic. do not accuse me, doubt me or put words in my mouth, my (unspoken yet clear) messages rang loud and clear. and frankly, i was also experimenting with different responses to her delusional state to assess the effects on her.

she seemed ok after all my strong responses. and she was rather chatty as i brought her for dinner and some shopping. let's see how she is tomorrow.

... 

some very singaporean things

here's a few things i observed during my weekend breakfast trips to the market/ hawker center that i thought are very singaporean heartland, or for that matter, just very singaporean!

• driving up the multi-storey car park and after parking my car, a lady stopped by and reminded me that the lot i parked in was a red and white lot (i.e. for residents), and added that i should be mindful that the roving attendants patrol the car park very frequently. singaporeans share a common "enemy" and band together against the very "on-the-ball" car park attendants!

• wheeling mum out of the roof top open air car park and people holding the lift for me. and later on wheeling mum out of the lift on the roof top car park and people offering to use their umbrella to shield me from the light drizzle as i wheel mum to the car. many singaporeans are kind at heart and never fail to reach out to people whom they think needs help.

• walking along the shops on the ground floor of the public housing flats and bumping into a minister (yes, a minister of the singapore government and not the church minister) mingling around and chatting with residents. see this quite often actually, regardless of whether the ward is that of the ruling or opposition party. unlike many countries where people often live in areas so large they hardly see the people they elect, here, the city state is so small we cross different wards  every day to the extend that we forgot they are "different". and also becos of this, we see politicians (office holders or otherwise) rather frequently.

• eating at the hawker center and having the flexibility to choose food from the different races, or for that matter, food of different races being sold by member of another race (e.g. chinese selling mee rebus, or malays selling hainanese chicken rice, or lagi more interesting, chinese selling vegetarian mee rebus). singaporeans are a lucky lot to be able to enjoy the best of the different cultures.

• groups of elderly uncles and aunties congregating at their favorite corner of the hawker center chatting away, and once a while, one or two uncles would break into songs and dance. quite interesting indeed. and often we can see people stopping by to cheer them on. at the hawker center, public entertainment act does not exist? haha... it is nice to see our senior citizens having fun, and i feel extra warm to hear them sing old hokkien songs, songs that my nanny sang when i was a kid.

well... these are the little things that i enjoy and appreciate when i visit the market on weekends. it is not just the food, but rather, the ability to enjoy the singaporean culture that makes my visits meaningful and fun. and it happens all the time, we just need to observe and listen.

:-)