just bought this new phone. so happy!
:-)
:-)
Friday, 30 October 2009
feeling energized
on monday this week, i received an sms from my ex-student inviting me to return to sit in for their end-of-course check out session. in his sms, he said that the person who took over me was away on official duty and that someone else would be sitting in to `officially' observe them. also, he felt that it would be apt for me to sit in and share given that i had gone through the first couple of months of the course with them. he mentioned something about wondering whether he should invite me given that i had left service, but in the end, he decided to follow his heart.
reading this last sentence, i felt moved.
the check out was conducted on tuesday morning and i decided to give them sometime to settle down before popping in. afterall, i thought, i was an unofficial member. i quietly slipped into the room from the back. nonetheless, it was hard not to notice their face brightening up. for that very moment, i felt so at home. i was back with my students. rather, i was back with my friends. unlike the check-in i conducted in the beginning of the course where i was the facilitator, this time round, i was a member. i joined in. i checked-in too. and it was so clear that the class was surprised yet very happy.
man... it was then that i realized how much i missed my job!
:-)
reading this last sentence, i felt moved.
the check out was conducted on tuesday morning and i decided to give them sometime to settle down before popping in. afterall, i thought, i was an unofficial member. i quietly slipped into the room from the back. nonetheless, it was hard not to notice their face brightening up. for that very moment, i felt so at home. i was back with my students. rather, i was back with my friends. unlike the check-in i conducted in the beginning of the course where i was the facilitator, this time round, i was a member. i joined in. i checked-in too. and it was so clear that the class was surprised yet very happy.
man... it was then that i realized how much i missed my job!
:-)
Sunday, 25 October 2009
hose and fan
this evening, i was definitely not destined to clean or to fix things. you see, i have not washed the fan (the basket casing, the plastic blade, the back casing) for a couple of months and it had gathered lots of dust. and so with some time on my hand, i decided to disassemble the fan and wash the parts. slowly, i dismantled it part by part and brought them to the bath tub clean. and as usual, i'd use the shower hose to hose the dust off...
i took the shower head and i decided that since i was cleaning the fan, i might as well change the shower hose. you see, one end of my shower hose had leaked. been so for the longest time and i had procrastinated about changing it despite having bought the hose a year or so back. hmmm, and i thought, since i was in the mood to clean and fix things, why not change the hose to the new one too. and so, i went about getting the spanner, la la la... and after unscrewing all the ends and fixing up with the new hose, i realized the new one was too short to even reach the shower head holder. hmmm, changed it back. time to buy a new hose.
ok, back to the fan-cleaning. so, after refixing the shower head and the hose, i proceeded to clean the fan parts. first it was the cover, then the back... and with the completion of each part, i'd `gently' throw it onto my rug to dry. after hosing the plastic blade, i did the same. i threw it onto the rug. bloody hell, it landed onto the metal cover and next thing i knew, the blade broke! hmmmm... ok, never mind, i supposed a fan with 2 out of 3 blades should still function. perhaps less windy. so, i gingerly reassembled the whole fan. and when i switched it on, it started rattling slowly. and it got stronger. and then the whole fan started jumping as though it had a life of its own! argh! killed it before it starts killing me!
so where am i now? i need to buy a new hose and a new fan! ha ha ha!
:-)
i took the shower head and i decided that since i was cleaning the fan, i might as well change the shower hose. you see, one end of my shower hose had leaked. been so for the longest time and i had procrastinated about changing it despite having bought the hose a year or so back. hmmm, and i thought, since i was in the mood to clean and fix things, why not change the hose to the new one too. and so, i went about getting the spanner, la la la... and after unscrewing all the ends and fixing up with the new hose, i realized the new one was too short to even reach the shower head holder. hmmm, changed it back. time to buy a new hose.
ok, back to the fan-cleaning. so, after refixing the shower head and the hose, i proceeded to clean the fan parts. first it was the cover, then the back... and with the completion of each part, i'd `gently' throw it onto my rug to dry. after hosing the plastic blade, i did the same. i threw it onto the rug. bloody hell, it landed onto the metal cover and next thing i knew, the blade broke! hmmmm... ok, never mind, i supposed a fan with 2 out of 3 blades should still function. perhaps less windy. so, i gingerly reassembled the whole fan. and when i switched it on, it started rattling slowly. and it got stronger. and then the whole fan started jumping as though it had a life of its own! argh! killed it before it starts killing me!
so where am i now? i need to buy a new hose and a new fan! ha ha ha!
:-)
Saturday, 24 October 2009
the blue mansion
watched the blue mansion last evening. and i must say, i really enjoyed myself. the show itself surprised me. looks like glenn goei (the director) had really brought singapore productions up by quite a few notches!
:-)
:-)
dressing the dead
after we cremated the remains of our grandparents, we collected the ashes and had them installed in their final resting place in the choa chu kang columbarium. the niche booked was 2 blocks away from my dad's niche. the prayers carried out was similar to that of my dad when we installed him in his niche last year.
my brother had earlier gone ahead to get the niche cover designed and the photos of my granddad and grandma done up. he had asked for my granddad to be photoshopped with a suit and tie. as for my grandma, he chose a kebaya for her. i thought this was weird cos my grandma was a typical ah ma from china and not a peranakan nonya! anyway, i held my views as he seemed quite happy with it. similarly, my aunt did not comment about it other than laughing it off as my grandma being more fashionable. i stood by my belief that as long as everyone is happy, i will go with it.
yesterday, i learnt that my aunt had asked for my grandma's photo to be changed. apparently, she had gone home, thought about it and had a whole sleepless night. she was not comfortable with the fact that she was not able to recognise and identify with this new dress of grandma! so, upon her request, my brother has now started the process of getting a new photo done up!
reflecting, this whole process reinforces my belief that once a person dies, how we manage the whole process is not about the demised. rather, it is about managing the living. for the dead continues to live in the memories of the living. and in this living memory, the dead will continue to remain exactly how he/ she looked like, dressed like, their mannerism, their favourite food, la la la... and other than time, nothing else will be able to change this. time has this effect of blurring and eventually erasing one's memories... until he too, dies and fades away...
:-)
my brother had earlier gone ahead to get the niche cover designed and the photos of my granddad and grandma done up. he had asked for my granddad to be photoshopped with a suit and tie. as for my grandma, he chose a kebaya for her. i thought this was weird cos my grandma was a typical ah ma from china and not a peranakan nonya! anyway, i held my views as he seemed quite happy with it. similarly, my aunt did not comment about it other than laughing it off as my grandma being more fashionable. i stood by my belief that as long as everyone is happy, i will go with it.
yesterday, i learnt that my aunt had asked for my grandma's photo to be changed. apparently, she had gone home, thought about it and had a whole sleepless night. she was not comfortable with the fact that she was not able to recognise and identify with this new dress of grandma! so, upon her request, my brother has now started the process of getting a new photo done up!
reflecting, this whole process reinforces my belief that once a person dies, how we manage the whole process is not about the demised. rather, it is about managing the living. for the dead continues to live in the memories of the living. and in this living memory, the dead will continue to remain exactly how he/ she looked like, dressed like, their mannerism, their favourite food, la la la... and other than time, nothing else will be able to change this. time has this effect of blurring and eventually erasing one's memories... until he too, dies and fades away...
:-)
exhumation
wed was an interesting day for my aunt, my brother, my sister-in-law and i. we finally went to the choa chu kang cemetary to exhume our grandparents. and i must say, the whole affair was rather efficient.
the day started off early with me picking up my aunt at 6.30am before picking my brother and all joss sticks, joss papers etc. we arrived at the cemetary exhumation office just before 8am. already there was a short queue. but soon enough, our number was called and informed that we could proceed to make our final prayers at the graves of our grandparents.
it had been many years since i last visited their graves. and this time, i was acutely aware that it would be the last time seeing them there. and for that matter, the whole cemetary. and sure enough, when we arrived at my granddad's grave, there were already a few nearby graves that had already been exhumed. we quickly carried out the necessary prayers and proceeded to pay our last respects to grandma. hers was different cos the contractor had earlier asked for permission to start digging before we arrived. so when we reached there, we couldn't find her grave. instead, there was only a hole, shy of the coffin itself. after paying our last respects, we gave the contractor permission to proceed with the exhumation process and asked that our granddad be exhumed first. the gravedigger, a 70plus year old man, came forward and started the digging. we were told to look away at the first strike. for a 70plus year old person, he was one helluva digger. looking at the ground, it was more mud cake that had hardened over the last 40 years rather than loam. the gravedigger uncle told us he would take 3-hrs to reach the coffin. i was impressed but somewhat suspicious if it could really done. from my little experience in trench-digging years ago, i concluded that such a condition of the hardened mud would easily take a good healthy individual about 5-6hrs, much less an 70plus old man. nonetheless, we left him to do the digging and went for our breakfast before heading home to prepare for the afternoon prayers.
when we arrived back at granddad's grave at 1130am (some 3hrs later), there was no one in sight. i walked to the grave. and lo and behold, in front of me was a hole more than a person's height deep. and inside this hole was the old man, still digging away. he looked up and told he has had just reached the coffin and that we were in time to witness the picking of the bones. in fact, as we were talking, he held up a piece of black object and told us that that was my granddad's skull! within the next half hour or so, he managed to recover some skull pieces, some leg bones, a nylon sock that contained the foot bones (the toes etc) (unlike cotton, nylon is synthestic and do not decompose over time). the old man explained that my granddad had died too long ago and that most of the bones had already disintegrated. in all, i think we recovered less than 15% of my granddad. the bone fragments were quickly cleaned with chinese rice wine and wrapped in a plastic bag before we brought it for its final cremation. to do that, i had to offer a joss stick and used an umbrella to shield the bones from the sun (to protect the spirit of the dead).
the process was repeated for my grandma. we recovered more bones from my grandma, some 20% plus. we also managed to recover 2 socks that contained her 2 feet, a couple of her leg bones, parts of her skull, her silver ring, silver and jade bangles. it was interestingly that while most of her skull had disintegrated, we managed to pull out the piece of cloth that was tied on her forehead. this piece of cloth was still attached to a ball-shaped hardened clay structure of her skull interior that was formed when mud flowed into her skull after her soft tissues decomposed. again, we brought the remains to be cremated.
after lunch, we collected the remains and had them installed at the choa chu kang columbarium. the whole process took us a day!
interesting!
the day started off early with me picking up my aunt at 6.30am before picking my brother and all joss sticks, joss papers etc. we arrived at the cemetary exhumation office just before 8am. already there was a short queue. but soon enough, our number was called and informed that we could proceed to make our final prayers at the graves of our grandparents.
it had been many years since i last visited their graves. and this time, i was acutely aware that it would be the last time seeing them there. and for that matter, the whole cemetary. and sure enough, when we arrived at my granddad's grave, there were already a few nearby graves that had already been exhumed. we quickly carried out the necessary prayers and proceeded to pay our last respects to grandma. hers was different cos the contractor had earlier asked for permission to start digging before we arrived. so when we reached there, we couldn't find her grave. instead, there was only a hole, shy of the coffin itself. after paying our last respects, we gave the contractor permission to proceed with the exhumation process and asked that our granddad be exhumed first. the gravedigger, a 70plus year old man, came forward and started the digging. we were told to look away at the first strike. for a 70plus year old person, he was one helluva digger. looking at the ground, it was more mud cake that had hardened over the last 40 years rather than loam. the gravedigger uncle told us he would take 3-hrs to reach the coffin. i was impressed but somewhat suspicious if it could really done. from my little experience in trench-digging years ago, i concluded that such a condition of the hardened mud would easily take a good healthy individual about 5-6hrs, much less an 70plus old man. nonetheless, we left him to do the digging and went for our breakfast before heading home to prepare for the afternoon prayers.
when we arrived back at granddad's grave at 1130am (some 3hrs later), there was no one in sight. i walked to the grave. and lo and behold, in front of me was a hole more than a person's height deep. and inside this hole was the old man, still digging away. he looked up and told he has had just reached the coffin and that we were in time to witness the picking of the bones. in fact, as we were talking, he held up a piece of black object and told us that that was my granddad's skull! within the next half hour or so, he managed to recover some skull pieces, some leg bones, a nylon sock that contained the foot bones (the toes etc) (unlike cotton, nylon is synthestic and do not decompose over time). the old man explained that my granddad had died too long ago and that most of the bones had already disintegrated. in all, i think we recovered less than 15% of my granddad. the bone fragments were quickly cleaned with chinese rice wine and wrapped in a plastic bag before we brought it for its final cremation. to do that, i had to offer a joss stick and used an umbrella to shield the bones from the sun (to protect the spirit of the dead).
the process was repeated for my grandma. we recovered more bones from my grandma, some 20% plus. we also managed to recover 2 socks that contained her 2 feet, a couple of her leg bones, parts of her skull, her silver ring, silver and jade bangles. it was interestingly that while most of her skull had disintegrated, we managed to pull out the piece of cloth that was tied on her forehead. this piece of cloth was still attached to a ball-shaped hardened clay structure of her skull interior that was formed when mud flowed into her skull after her soft tissues decomposed. again, we brought the remains to be cremated.
after lunch, we collected the remains and had them installed at the choa chu kang columbarium. the whole process took us a day!
interesting!
Monday, 19 October 2009
Sunday, 18 October 2009
2/85 iocc - the start
we had 2 days off after our pop (passing out parade) before we had to report to changi commando jetty to get the details of our postings and our final dispersal from basic military training (bmt). reaching the jetty, we gathered in 3s as a platoon. as we had passed out, we acted cool. after all, we were no longer recruits. despite the fact that we were still lowly privates, the feeling of being no longer a trainee was intoxicating. yet, there was an air of apprehension. on one hand, we were all sad that we would be leaving each other within minutes, but on the other hand, we were eagerly looking forward to know where we were posted to. soon enough, the posting list came. one by one, my platoon sergeant called out. it was weird to hear us being addressed as private so and so... and it was understandably so after 3 long months of being addressed as recruit so and so.
and then my name was called, private sim, officer cadet school, 2/85 infantry officer cadet course, echo company. hurriedly, i made my way to this group of people that had already gathered at the `ocs' signage. there was an indian sergeant. he was smiling broadly, so broad you could really appreciate the stark contrast between the white of his teeth and the black of his skin tone. that was arthur leo. sergeant arthur leo to be exact. one by one, he smiled and welcomed us and asked us (very politely too) to load up the 3-tonner. he was such a damned nice sergeant. such a contrast from our sergeants in pulau tekong! heng ah! we thought! in no time, we were on our way from the eastern end of the island to safti where ocs was located (the place has been renamed `pasir laba camp' since 1995 when safti moved to safti military institute) in the west. the journey was one helluva long, yet none of us fell asleep (which was surprising). in fact, we were all so filled with anticipation about what ocs was like that we were all lost in our own thoughts.
that was jun 1985. that was the time when tuas was not even developed. nor was jurong west extension. or jurong point. or all the factories in tuas. the whole place in the western end of singapore was one helluva deserted. there were graves. there were small kampongs. there were small one lane public roads that were in need of repairs and that only sbs service 175 served. that was the state of affairs in jurong in those days...
in no time, we arrived at pasir laba camp/ safti. the gate looked huge. for all of us, it was the first time we actually stepped into a camp on mainland. and a camp that had a gate too! the 3 tonner drove into the camp. foxhound avenue the road sign said. we did not give too much attention to this signage. we did not know how foxhound avenue would come to be so etched into our memories over the following 9 months.
and then my name was called, private sim, officer cadet school, 2/85 infantry officer cadet course, echo company. hurriedly, i made my way to this group of people that had already gathered at the `ocs' signage. there was an indian sergeant. he was smiling broadly, so broad you could really appreciate the stark contrast between the white of his teeth and the black of his skin tone. that was arthur leo. sergeant arthur leo to be exact. one by one, he smiled and welcomed us and asked us (very politely too) to load up the 3-tonner. he was such a damned nice sergeant. such a contrast from our sergeants in pulau tekong! heng ah! we thought! in no time, we were on our way from the eastern end of the island to safti where ocs was located (the place has been renamed `pasir laba camp' since 1995 when safti moved to safti military institute) in the west. the journey was one helluva long, yet none of us fell asleep (which was surprising). in fact, we were all so filled with anticipation about what ocs was like that we were all lost in our own thoughts.
that was jun 1985. that was the time when tuas was not even developed. nor was jurong west extension. or jurong point. or all the factories in tuas. the whole place in the western end of singapore was one helluva deserted. there were graves. there were small kampongs. there were small one lane public roads that were in need of repairs and that only sbs service 175 served. that was the state of affairs in jurong in those days...
in no time, we arrived at pasir laba camp/ safti. the gate looked huge. for all of us, it was the first time we actually stepped into a camp on mainland. and a camp that had a gate too! the 3 tonner drove into the camp. foxhound avenue the road sign said. we did not give too much attention to this signage. we did not know how foxhound avenue would come to be so etched into our memories over the following 9 months.
hypertension no more
after the recent scare about hypertension, i'd stopped my medication (i was on nsaids - non-steriod anti-inflammatory drugs) and started taking my blood pressure and pulse rate 3 times daily.
now, looking at the trend of the readings, i can confidently say i don't have hypertension!
heh heh! my usual readings for my blood pressure had ranged from 70-80plus (diastolic) / 95-120plus (systolic). frankly, at times, i did think i might be having low blood pressure instead! but well, i was not too concern about that for these low readings were more exceptions than the norms. but there was a new discovery. my heart rate, that used to be in the range of 60s-70s, had constantly registered a range of between 80plus to low-90s. to me such a rate seemed a little fast. based on what i'd read, a range of 60-100 would be considered normal and the reading has to be above 100 to be considered fast medically. my pulse rates of 90plus was a little too close for comfort!
so, i've started to intensify my exercise work-outs and do more brisk-walks.
this should hopefully make me healthier and lower the pulse rate!
:-)
the wedding & the wife
not been blogging recently. guessed i was lazy. rather, i did not feel any inspiration to do so. for that matter when i started writing this piece, i was still thinking of what i want to write. could this be a case of life being slow and boring? actually no, i don't think my life was boring over the last couple of weeks. in fact, the week past was rather interesting. then again, that was just one of the days in the week. i supposed it was just pure laziness coupled with insufficient events for me to write about.
it funny how i am writing and letting this topic evolve as i type. actually, i have just filled in the title of this blog before i start this paragraph given that i only manage to get a rough idea of what i want to focus on in this piece! heh heh. ok, i shall write about the wedding and touch a little about my bro's wife. not too much. but sufficient to capture my thoughts and first impressions
:-)
after these past months of gloomy happenings - death, sickness, etc - in the family, it was really a good break to have a wedding in the family. the mood was indeed celebratory despite it coming and going so bloody fast. you see, my brother introduced his then-girlfriend (now wife) to the family only 2 days before the day they were suppose to register their marriage. thus, my aunt and i ended up rushing to the goldsmith to buy our gifts for the bride in a rush on that night we learned of the news. and even before we got the opportunity to know her as a person, it was time for the registration of marriage! it was a simple affair followed by a late lunch at imm.
the whole affair came and went just like that!
and now when i visit my mum as part of my regular rounds, i have a new sister-in-law to greet me. the first post-rom encounter was ok. i had bought some nonya kuehs for everyone and she came out of the room, called me, and went to eat the kueh. then we chatted as i iced my mum's legs. and i promptly left after that. that was 2 days ago. yesterday, i got a call from my mum asking me what time i will be at her place as my sister-in-law misses me (that was my mum's exact words)... this sounded so bloody wrong! and my mum called me again earlier, saying the same. thank god i am gay and hope my brother still remembers i am. i am sure my mum was purely relating it as my sister-in-law, being new and bored with her new life in singapore had just asked about me cos she really has no one whom she can talk to at home. and without understanding this context, such words would surely result in some real serious misunderstanding in the family!
hmmm...
it funny how i am writing and letting this topic evolve as i type. actually, i have just filled in the title of this blog before i start this paragraph given that i only manage to get a rough idea of what i want to focus on in this piece! heh heh. ok, i shall write about the wedding and touch a little about my bro's wife. not too much. but sufficient to capture my thoughts and first impressions
:-)
after these past months of gloomy happenings - death, sickness, etc - in the family, it was really a good break to have a wedding in the family. the mood was indeed celebratory despite it coming and going so bloody fast. you see, my brother introduced his then-girlfriend (now wife) to the family only 2 days before the day they were suppose to register their marriage. thus, my aunt and i ended up rushing to the goldsmith to buy our gifts for the bride in a rush on that night we learned of the news. and even before we got the opportunity to know her as a person, it was time for the registration of marriage! it was a simple affair followed by a late lunch at imm.
the whole affair came and went just like that!
and now when i visit my mum as part of my regular rounds, i have a new sister-in-law to greet me. the first post-rom encounter was ok. i had bought some nonya kuehs for everyone and she came out of the room, called me, and went to eat the kueh. then we chatted as i iced my mum's legs. and i promptly left after that. that was 2 days ago. yesterday, i got a call from my mum asking me what time i will be at her place as my sister-in-law misses me (that was my mum's exact words)... this sounded so bloody wrong! and my mum called me again earlier, saying the same. thank god i am gay and hope my brother still remembers i am. i am sure my mum was purely relating it as my sister-in-law, being new and bored with her new life in singapore had just asked about me cos she really has no one whom she can talk to at home. and without understanding this context, such words would surely result in some real serious misunderstanding in the family!
hmmm...
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
waking the dead
next wed, we (my aunt, my brother, and i) will be at the cemetary to exhume the remains of my paternal grandparents. it will definitely be an interesting affair. it's been 40 years since my granddad passed away (1969) and 34 years for my grandma (1975). if my memory serves me well, they were both placed in the traditional chinese coffins - the huge gold ingot shaped ones - that singapore had done away with some years back. this type of coffin has been known to withstand decay many decades after the burial. as such, it would be interesting to see what they look like now and the state of our grandparents' bodies - whether they are still intact, decayed, mummified or what...
and as i could sense, after all these years, we are more curious about how the bodies look like rather than emotional about having lost our ancestors. nonetheless, we are respectful in carrying out this tasks and ensure that they are exhumed, created and moved to their new resting place (which is in the next block to my dad's niche at the columbarium).
and as my aunt aptly put when she went to pay respects to my grandparents, she told them that they will be moving house from their current bungalow to new hdb flats.
:-)
and as i could sense, after all these years, we are more curious about how the bodies look like rather than emotional about having lost our ancestors. nonetheless, we are respectful in carrying out this tasks and ensure that they are exhumed, created and moved to their new resting place (which is in the next block to my dad's niche at the columbarium).
and as my aunt aptly put when she went to pay respects to my grandparents, she told them that they will be moving house from their current bungalow to new hdb flats.
:-)
brother's marriage
this week is gonna be more interesting than i can imagine. went to visit my mum yesterday and was surprised to see my brother home. the next thing i knew, a girl walked out of the bedroom behind him and he promptly introduced me as "his good brother" to her. i really did not know how to respond when i heard him call me that. not after all the years of hostilities.
and then, he told me that he will be marrying her tomorrow.
well, have heard of her from my mum couple of days back but never did i imagine him to be at home waiting to introduce her to me. she's from china, more than half his age. needs to get married in order to stay in country. cannot speak english, and so on. and he went on and on about how he hope to be able to visit china soon and that we should go there as a family with my aunt and so on... all happened too fast for me to even truly absorb everything.
i guess i am happy for him. as long as he is happy.
and then, he told me that he will be marrying her tomorrow.
well, have heard of her from my mum couple of days back but never did i imagine him to be at home waiting to introduce her to me. she's from china, more than half his age. needs to get married in order to stay in country. cannot speak english, and so on. and he went on and on about how he hope to be able to visit china soon and that we should go there as a family with my aunt and so on... all happened too fast for me to even truly absorb everything.
i guess i am happy for him. as long as he is happy.
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
傻大姐
i am not sure why but the title of this song has been ringing in my head for the past few days. i used to be able to sing parts of it when i was a small boy. managed to pick up from my late dad who would sing this song almost daily back then. i think it was one of his favourite songs. in fact, even as an old man living with me during his last years, he would frequently hum this song aloud... listening to it reminds me so much of him...
:-)
Monday, 12 October 2009
together in electric dreams
this song, together in electric dreams was the unofficial company song for my company in the officer cadet school. that was echo company, 2/85 infantry officer cadet course (2/85 iocc) back in 85/86. we'd sing it during all the company events, mess gatherings, and so on! and we'd sing it with so much gusto, it was incredible!
:-)
i like chopin
this song was really popular during my bmt days. in fact, it was played during the company nite (if i recall correctly). i have loved it since!
:-)
Saturday, 10 October 2009
dead calotes
omg, just came back from a brisk walk and i felt so guilty. you see, during the walk, i felt something brushed my right calf... i immediately looked down and saw a calotes lizard flipped upside down and started squirming... and then it stopped moving! apparently, the lizard was happily sunning itself on the footpath after a heavy downpour... la la la and then this huge 70plus kg foot of mine suddenly appeared from no where and came crashing onto it!
i felt so bad... i stepped and killed a calotes lizard! and there was really nothing i could do about it! argh! and my fear of lizards prevented me from going back and giving it a good burial... today, for reasons unknown, my signs (ba zhi) and that of all reptiles seemed to clash!
argh!
the lost symbol
just read the lost symbol, a book by dan brown, author of the da vinci codes. very good and interesting story. when i started reading, i could not put it down. but i thought he should have ended when the plot cleared and when the villian died. instead, he went on for a few more chapters about the symbol which was kinda an anti-climax.
:-|
:-|
meaty surprise
earlier, after breakfast with bee, we went to the supermarket to get some grocery. there was this corner where a lady had boiled some herbal concoction and asking customers to give it a try. as i walked pass her, she asked me to give the soup a try. i obliged and she promptly scooped a bit of the soup and a piece of meat for me. tasting it, i thought the soup tasted very rich. nice and fragrant. and the meat, hmmm, very tender and very nice too. noting my face of approval, she went on to peddle her goods and this was when she threw the bombshell.
nice right? the herbs very fragrant ya? and how is the meat? you know? this is crocodile meat. locally bred crocodile too, you can see the .... and she went on and on about the health benefits, etc etc etc...
i did not register her words anymore after she mentioned the word crocodile meat. my mind went blank. my initial thoughts of how nice and tender the meat was disappeared. my tongue felt numb. the fragrant aftertaste of the herbal soup turned bad. how the hell did i not check what meat i was before i ate it!
argh! well, i am very sure there are people out there who enjoy crocodile meat. or for that matter, turtle meat, snake meat, iguana meat la la la. but i am sure i am no fan of reptilean meat, no matter how healthy and beneficial it can be for me!
i politely tell her yes it is nice and frangrant and i walked away.
:-)
hypertension
two weeks ago, i visited the general practitioner (gp) for my regular check-up and to get a top up of my statins (for my high cholesterol). as a routine, he took my blood pressure. 142/85 (systolic/ diastolic pressure). hmmm... he checked back my previous records. the last one also registered a high-130/80-plus reading. hmmm again. a reading like this could be considered a mild case of hypertension. anyway, before he makes any decisive conclusion and put me on any medication, he suggested that i should get a home monitor to constantly measure my blood pressure. and he would review me again in nov.
i felt got a little disturbed. if my blood pressure was on the borderline, a warning like this would have conclusively moved me into the high blood pressure range! and so i got schneider to help me purchase the monitor (i should be getting it from him today). well... so, over the last weeks, when i go to the hospital for my ortho and physio appointments, i would make a trip to the pharmacy to check my blood pressure. last week was 140plus/ 80plus. yesterday, it was 150plus/ 90plus. i got more worried.
did some research into hypertension in the internet and found out that when one takes certain medication (including non-steriod anti-inflammatory medicine - or nasaids), one could experience hypertension (called secondary hypertension). and when i looked further, i realized that i am actually on such a medication! the exact one that i had been taking for my tennis elbow!
hmmm, now i am caught between the devil and the deep blue sea! take it and get hypertension, don't take it and i get elbow pains. after some considerations, i decided to take the middle path. continue my medication but on a lower dosage (for my tennis elbow), observe a low-salt, low-fat diet and increase my exercise (as a measure against hypertension).
hope this works!
:-)
i felt got a little disturbed. if my blood pressure was on the borderline, a warning like this would have conclusively moved me into the high blood pressure range! and so i got schneider to help me purchase the monitor (i should be getting it from him today). well... so, over the last weeks, when i go to the hospital for my ortho and physio appointments, i would make a trip to the pharmacy to check my blood pressure. last week was 140plus/ 80plus. yesterday, it was 150plus/ 90plus. i got more worried.
did some research into hypertension in the internet and found out that when one takes certain medication (including non-steriod anti-inflammatory medicine - or nasaids), one could experience hypertension (called secondary hypertension). and when i looked further, i realized that i am actually on such a medication! the exact one that i had been taking for my tennis elbow!
hmmm, now i am caught between the devil and the deep blue sea! take it and get hypertension, don't take it and i get elbow pains. after some considerations, i decided to take the middle path. continue my medication but on a lower dosage (for my tennis elbow), observe a low-salt, low-fat diet and increase my exercise (as a measure against hypertension).
hope this works!
:-)
Friday, 9 October 2009
updated travel list
need to update my trips around the world list again... :P
2009
jun/jul - australia (perth, cervantes, margaret river, augusta, walpole, denmark, pemberton, manjimup, albany, hyden, corrigin, york, fremantle, joondalup)
jul - malaysia (malacca)
sep - malaysia (malacca)
2008
jun - thailand (phuket)
oct - malaysia (malacca, kuala lumpur)
dec - malaysia (cameron highlands, malacca)
2007
apr - malaysia (malacca)
apr - china (beijing)
jun - australia (perth)
aug - vietnam (hanoi, haphong)
aug - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)
dec - china (shanghai)
2006
apr - malaysia (kl)
jun - australia (sydney)
aug - thailand (bangkok)
sep-oct - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)
oct - thailand (bangkok)
dec - china (hong kong)
2005
feb - thailand (bangkok)
mar - malaysia
may - thailand (bangkok)
jun - indonesia (bintan)
jul - indonesia (bintan)
sep - indonesia (bintan)
oct - malaysia (kl)
nov - malaysia (jb, malacca)
nov - indonesia (bintan)
dec - taiwan (taipei)
2004
feb - taiwan (kaoshiung)
mar - taiwan (kaoshiung)
jun-dec - states (florida, new york, illinois, etc)
dec - china (shanghai, hangzhou)
2003
jun - australia (sydney)
sep-oct - taiwan (taipei)
dec - s korea (seoul, sorat)
2002
jun - england (london, oxford, etc)
2001
mar - states (california [la, sfo], new york)
may - taiwan (whole)
may - malaysia
jul - states (san diego)
dec - malaysia
2000
jun - australia (sydney)
dec - indonesia (bintan)
1999
feb - indonesia (jember)
may - england (london, brighton)
jun - malaysia
oct - japan (tokyo)
1998
mar - malaysia
jun - malaysia
sep - new zealand (christchurch)
nov - new zealand (christchurch, auckland)
1997
jun - indonesia (bintan, batam)
jun - thailand (bangkok, pattaya)
nov - switzerland (zurich, lucerne), israel (jerusalem)
pre-1997
lots of places but mainly in asia. these include east and west malaysia (lost count), taiwan (lost count), hong kong (twice?), australia brisbane, sydney, melbourne (1994), thailand (bangkok, kanchanaburi, chiangmai, chiangrai) (lost count), indonesia (bintan, batam, jember, surabaya) (trice?), brunei (lost count), etc etc etc...
2009
jun/jul - australia (perth, cervantes, margaret river, augusta, walpole, denmark, pemberton, manjimup, albany, hyden, corrigin, york, fremantle, joondalup)
jul - malaysia (malacca)
sep - malaysia (malacca)
2008
jun - thailand (phuket)
oct - malaysia (malacca, kuala lumpur)
dec - malaysia (cameron highlands, malacca)
2007
apr - malaysia (malacca)
apr - china (beijing)
jun - australia (perth)
aug - vietnam (hanoi, haphong)
aug - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)
dec - china (shanghai)
2006
apr - malaysia (kl)
jun - australia (sydney)
aug - thailand (bangkok)
sep-oct - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)
oct - thailand (bangkok)
dec - china (hong kong)
2005
feb - thailand (bangkok)
mar - malaysia
may - thailand (bangkok)
jun - indonesia (bintan)
jul - indonesia (bintan)
sep - indonesia (bintan)
oct - malaysia (kl)
nov - malaysia (jb, malacca)
nov - indonesia (bintan)
dec - taiwan (taipei)
2004
feb - taiwan (kaoshiung)
mar - taiwan (kaoshiung)
jun-dec - states (florida, new york, illinois, etc)
dec - china (shanghai, hangzhou)
2003
jun - australia (sydney)
sep-oct - taiwan (taipei)
dec - s korea (seoul, sorat)
2002
jun - england (london, oxford, etc)
2001
mar - states (california [la, sfo], new york)
may - taiwan (whole)
may - malaysia
jul - states (san diego)
dec - malaysia
2000
jun - australia (sydney)
dec - indonesia (bintan)
1999
feb - indonesia (jember)
may - england (london, brighton)
jun - malaysia
oct - japan (tokyo)
1998
mar - malaysia
jun - malaysia
sep - new zealand (christchurch)
nov - new zealand (christchurch, auckland)
1997
jun - indonesia (bintan, batam)
jun - thailand (bangkok, pattaya)
nov - switzerland (zurich, lucerne), israel (jerusalem)
pre-1997
lots of places but mainly in asia. these include east and west malaysia (lost count), taiwan (lost count), hong kong (twice?), australia brisbane, sydney, melbourne (1994), thailand (bangkok, kanchanaburi, chiangmai, chiangrai) (lost count), indonesia (bintan, batam, jember, surabaya) (trice?), brunei (lost count), etc etc etc...
elbow physio
sometime last year, i had several bouts of bad elbow pain, the last being in oct 08 where i blogged about it. in all, i think i recieved 2 steriod jabs to manage the pain. the problem recurred again earlier this year and got better after i received another steriod jab.
and guessed wat? it came back again last month. in fact, it was so bad i could not use my right arm altogether. went back to the ortho specialist. she told me it was not advisable to do another jab and gave me some painkillers and medication to clear the infammation instead. i went back for a review last week and the doctor told me the same thing. he also asked me to try to endure the pain and that if i cannot take it anymore, i might want to consider an elbow operation. while i noted his response, i asked for him to refer me to the physio too. i reckoned i need some special advise about how i could strengthen my arms as i could feel it weakening drastically.
finally, i went to see the physio today. the physiotherapist was so nice as to really run thru all the things i do that could aggravate the pain. well, of cos my answer include things like doing housework, mopping the floor, etc, and all things that need me to bend my elbow. and it was rather funny to note that he actually has a mop-stick in his office and that he asked me to demonstrate to him how i mop the floor! heh heh... after some rather detailed investigation, he concluded that my pain was due to my muscle being out of alignment. but he assured me that it could be managed and that i should do some basic exercises and to continue icing my elbow before he starts the rehabilitation programme.
:-)
Thursday, 8 October 2009
dentist
went to the dentist yesterday at the national dental center and had a little hole on my molar filled. well, to be more specific, more than a hole... actually, the tooth chipped off!
anyway, it was a rather good experience and the dentists were all very professional. i always appreciate dentists who are extra careful with your teeth and are sensitive to how you feel when you are in the dentist chair. but there is really one thing that i had consistently experienced and that i sometimes cannot understand - why do dentist also ask questions that patients, many a times, simply cannot respond? especially when their mouth are so wide open...
:-)
Monday, 5 October 2009
animal talk
i went to the swimming pool this afternoon and as i entered the toilet to change, there were 2 old men (think they should be in their 70s). they had just taken their shower and were chatting as they dried themselves. the conversation was certainly a very interesting one... it went something like this:
old man a: these days, life is so difficult. we really have no choice but to cho gu cho beh (be cow and horse - hokkien phrase describing one slogging away). and i think i am now like that, cho gu cho beh.
old man b: aiyah, what cho gu cho beh, i'd rather cho kau (be a dog).
old man a: eh? why want to cho kau. when you cho gu cho beh, at least you will be led around to eat. and as long as there are vegetable, you will be kept alive.
old man b: aiyah, when you cho gu cho beh, you only eat and eat and do nothing. at least when i cho kau, not only do i have food, i can still look after the house.
hmmm, very profound indeed. heh, heh... by that time, i had changed into my swimming trunk and as i walked out of the changing room, i reflected... hmmm, these are 70-plus years old men. and i supposed they know they do not have much time left. but based on their simple analogies, i really think there are some depth to what they said. one felt contented as long as he is looked after. and the other wants to make sure he is useful to others.
interesting...
:-)
old man a: these days, life is so difficult. we really have no choice but to cho gu cho beh (be cow and horse - hokkien phrase describing one slogging away). and i think i am now like that, cho gu cho beh.
old man b: aiyah, what cho gu cho beh, i'd rather cho kau (be a dog).
old man a: eh? why want to cho kau. when you cho gu cho beh, at least you will be led around to eat. and as long as there are vegetable, you will be kept alive.
old man b: aiyah, when you cho gu cho beh, you only eat and eat and do nothing. at least when i cho kau, not only do i have food, i can still look after the house.
hmmm, very profound indeed. heh, heh... by that time, i had changed into my swimming trunk and as i walked out of the changing room, i reflected... hmmm, these are 70-plus years old men. and i supposed they know they do not have much time left. but based on their simple analogies, i really think there are some depth to what they said. one felt contented as long as he is looked after. and the other wants to make sure he is useful to others.
interesting...
:-)
mum's fall
yesterday, i got a call from mum telling me she had a fall. and when i visited her, i learnt from the domestic helper that mum had the fall when she (the domestic helper) was busy in the kitchen. apparently, it was early in the morning and mum had wanted to go to the toilet. and so, she got out of bed and walked to the toilet by herself.
and she was not careful and got her leg hooked onto her sarong and fell. in the process, she hit her chin on the toilet bowl and sustained a blood clot chin. and to top it off, she actually did not tell anyone about it and managed to pull herself up. in the process, she scratched her elbow and it bled. when the domestic helper came to the room, she found mum sitting on her wheelchair quietly. as for mum, she acted blur, as though nothing had happened.
it was later that morning that the domestic helper saw the blackened chin and the dried blood on mum's elbow. she got really worried. and she questioned mum. mum had no choice but to admit that she had had a fall that morning. interestingly, as i learnt from the domestic helper, mum asked her to keep the matter away from my brother as she knew my brother would not take well to it.
the domestic helper was smart. she knew she could not hide the wounds and the blackened chin from my brother. on learning of the fall, my brother indeed got angry and lectured my mum... well... anyway, i advised my mum not to try to move around herself. at least not until her condition has improved.
sighs...
and she was not careful and got her leg hooked onto her sarong and fell. in the process, she hit her chin on the toilet bowl and sustained a blood clot chin. and to top it off, she actually did not tell anyone about it and managed to pull herself up. in the process, she scratched her elbow and it bled. when the domestic helper came to the room, she found mum sitting on her wheelchair quietly. as for mum, she acted blur, as though nothing had happened.
it was later that morning that the domestic helper saw the blackened chin and the dried blood on mum's elbow. she got really worried. and she questioned mum. mum had no choice but to admit that she had had a fall that morning. interestingly, as i learnt from the domestic helper, mum asked her to keep the matter away from my brother as she knew my brother would not take well to it.
the domestic helper was smart. she knew she could not hide the wounds and the blackened chin from my brother. on learning of the fall, my brother indeed got angry and lectured my mum... well... anyway, i advised my mum not to try to move around herself. at least not until her condition has improved.
sighs...
ice packs
had been visiting mum almost on a daily basis these days. for that matter, mum has started to call me on my mobile and asking me to visit her. well, i am certainly not complaining about it.
in fact, i am rather happy that she looks forward to having me do the ice packs and helping her with her exercises. it was rather funny to hear her tell me time and again that when the domestic helper does the ice pack, the ice didn't feel cold and that she does not get the kind of relieve that she feels as compared to when i do it for her.
i personally think it is psychological but well, as long as it helps...
:-)
in fact, i am rather happy that she looks forward to having me do the ice packs and helping her with her exercises. it was rather funny to hear her tell me time and again that when the domestic helper does the ice pack, the ice didn't feel cold and that she does not get the kind of relieve that she feels as compared to when i do it for her.
i personally think it is psychological but well, as long as it helps...
:-)
Thursday, 1 October 2009
post op pains
have been visiting my mum almost once every two days these days. and during these visits, i would engage her and try to make her think. this is to keep her mind active and i think would slow the dementia process.
also, i would also ice her knee while exercising it. in a way, i was trying to encourage her to continue exercising and convince her that she will continue to experience pain a lot longer and worst still, become immobile if she do not continue with her exercises. and as i talked to her, i would exercise her knee and ice it at the same time. of cos, she would complain of pain. but i could see that she seemed a lot more co-operative in exercising her knee when i do the icing. and it helped. i could see that despite the pain, she had tried to keep up with her exercises and clearly, her efforts are paying off. despite the pains, her ability to bend her knees, to take small steps has improved tremendously over the last two weeks.
i do think if she keeps up with this, she should be able to take small steps in a month or two. i am not sure whether the pain will eventually be completely gone. but i am quite sure she will be more comfortable and would at least be able to be a little more mobile than she is now.
:-)
also, i would also ice her knee while exercising it. in a way, i was trying to encourage her to continue exercising and convince her that she will continue to experience pain a lot longer and worst still, become immobile if she do not continue with her exercises. and as i talked to her, i would exercise her knee and ice it at the same time. of cos, she would complain of pain. but i could see that she seemed a lot more co-operative in exercising her knee when i do the icing. and it helped. i could see that despite the pain, she had tried to keep up with her exercises and clearly, her efforts are paying off. despite the pains, her ability to bend her knees, to take small steps has improved tremendously over the last two weeks.
i do think if she keeps up with this, she should be able to take small steps in a month or two. i am not sure whether the pain will eventually be completely gone. but i am quite sure she will be more comfortable and would at least be able to be a little more mobile than she is now.
:-)
unemployed
when i tell people i am unemployed, they give me a weird and somewhat funny look. it was like as though the word unemployed is bad and taboo. and quickly, they would correct me and said oh, you are between jobs huh?!... and of cos, it seemed like they also expect me to feel embarrassed.
hmmm... seriously, what's the fuss about being unemployed? it is a fact isn't it? isn't that exactly what i am now? and i am certainly not embarrassed by it. then again, i supposed many people give me weird looks becos they had themselves tagged additional assumptions to the word. and i believe these assumptions include - retrenched, fired, undignified, useless, and so on.
interesting huh? words are just as they are - words. very factual and often very neutral. but it is often one's baseless assumptions, shaped by ones' experiences, that provide these words with the additional, and if i may add - inaccurate depth and meanings.
cognitive bias as a result of mental models.
sighs.
:-)
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
parkway experiences
the following were interesting things that we experienced in parkway parade over the past couple of days...
- people who spit from upper floors (kids in particular who thought it was fun).
- people who throw away 1 cent coin from upper floors.
- ladies who wear mini skirts and choose to stand beside the upper floor railings... hmmm, not a good idea.
- men who stand and stare down into woman's blouses from upstairs.
- bitchy management personnel who complain of all sorts of things.
- people who spit from upper floors (kids in particular who thought it was fun).
- people who throw away 1 cent coin from upper floors.
- ladies who wear mini skirts and choose to stand beside the upper floor railings... hmmm, not a good idea.
- men who stand and stare down into woman's blouses from upstairs.
- bitchy management personnel who complain of all sorts of things.
interesting customers
'had been helping bee sell mooncakes at parkway parade and have come across lots of interesting people who behaved in the most bizarre manners and/ or asked questions that are outright `duh' or damned difficult to answer!!! let me share some of these here...
(customer took a look at the mooncakes) is your mooncake nice? (of cos la... as a sales person, who'd ever answer their things are not nice...)
(customer, after sampling a mooncake) hmmm, yes, it's very nice, very nice indeed... let me think about it... (customer walked one round, came back) just now i tasted your mooncake, after a while, i think it is not very nice. it seemed to have a little bitter aftertaste. why huh? (errr...) but never mind, give me one box... (hmmm...)
(customer took a look at the mooncakes and the pricings) hmmm, yes, this brand is from hong kong and it is very nice. you guys imported it huh? good good... but how come it is more expensive here than in hong kong? (errr... mooncake needs to take aeroplane. must buy aeroplane tickets wor...)
(customer took at look at the mooncakes and the cookies) hmmm... looks around... (we went up and greeted her and asked if she needed assistance) no, no, no, i know this is from hong kong. i have worked a long time in hong kong! so i know these products much better than you! (she said, half shouting, and she walked off...) (!!!)
(customer took at look at the mooncakes and the cookies) hi m'am, these are from hong kong (customer stared at us, rolled her eyes, gave us the "tai-tai-huh!!!" look and walked away) (!!!)
(customer, after sampling a mooncake) good good, give me a box of white lotus single yolk (showed her the box and the content) oh, good thanks (packed the box of mooncake and asked for payment) huh?!?!? i don't want!!! i don't want already!!!...(woman walked off hurriedly) (errr... bee said the customer was probably schizophrenic)
interesting ya? heh heh... then again, as sales staff, we just smiled, thanked the customers, and wished them a good day... i strongly believe that as customers, much as we demand service, we also need to recognise that when service staff tries their best, we should at least accord some form of respect and courtesy to them. a smile or a thank you would be a very good start.
...
(customer took a look at the mooncakes) is your mooncake nice? (of cos la... as a sales person, who'd ever answer their things are not nice...)
(customer, after sampling a mooncake) hmmm, yes, it's very nice, very nice indeed... let me think about it... (customer walked one round, came back) just now i tasted your mooncake, after a while, i think it is not very nice. it seemed to have a little bitter aftertaste. why huh? (errr...) but never mind, give me one box... (hmmm...)
(customer took a look at the mooncakes and the pricings) hmmm, yes, this brand is from hong kong and it is very nice. you guys imported it huh? good good... but how come it is more expensive here than in hong kong? (errr... mooncake needs to take aeroplane. must buy aeroplane tickets wor...)
(customer took at look at the mooncakes and the cookies) hmmm... looks around... (we went up and greeted her and asked if she needed assistance) no, no, no, i know this is from hong kong. i have worked a long time in hong kong! so i know these products much better than you! (she said, half shouting, and she walked off...) (!!!)
(customer took at look at the mooncakes and the cookies) hi m'am, these are from hong kong (customer stared at us, rolled her eyes, gave us the "tai-tai-huh!!!" look and walked away) (!!!)
(customer, after sampling a mooncake) good good, give me a box of white lotus single yolk (showed her the box and the content) oh, good thanks (packed the box of mooncake and asked for payment) huh?!?!? i don't want!!! i don't want already!!!...(woman walked off hurriedly) (errr... bee said the customer was probably schizophrenic)
interesting ya? heh heh... then again, as sales staff, we just smiled, thanked the customers, and wished them a good day... i strongly believe that as customers, much as we demand service, we also need to recognise that when service staff tries their best, we should at least accord some form of respect and courtesy to them. a smile or a thank you would be a very good start.
...
ah lians ah bengs
have been selling mooncakes at parkway parade over the last week plus. and it was certainly a very good experience. i had opportunities to interact with the staff from the neighbouring stalls during moments when sales were slow. these are short term contract workers who have been roped in to sell mooncakes.
by speaking to them, it was clear that they are unlikely to move up the social ladder. they belong almost certainly to the very heartlander class of the singaporean society and they are often lesser educated, not too well-off and of course, are predominantly dialect speakers - hokkien to be specific. and they really believe that they only have to work very very very hard to succeed in life. and their definition of success is often narrowly defined as "getting rich". yet, due to their limitations (in education, and so on), get caught in the working class layer of the society. well, i am stating this not from a derogatory angle. rather, i am stating this in the most matter-of-fact manner.
then again, the few things that i really enjoyed interacting with them was the fact that they are very real, and very down-to-earth. they say what they want to say. they laughed. they joked. they smiled. very straightforward. very unpretentious and very sincere. and at times, it seemed like we are all the underdogs of the society. hmmm... whether it is real or not, i am not sure, but certainly, i can say they have excellent work ethics and exhibit a own set of values that we do not often see amongst people of the `upper-class' (hmm... sounds rather atas here). camaraderie, discipline, hard-working... just to name a few.
reflecting, when they were young, they were mostly the people that we brand as ah lians and ah bengs in singapore. and of cos, very often, we (myself included admittedly) do not want to associate ourselves with them for doing so would be kinda embarrassing as they were considered uncouthed, loud, and often of bad background. they are now in their mid-thirties or older. and as they are lesser educated and not computer-literate, they avoid the computer (and the internet). and in doing so, missed out on the information and knowledge age and this contribute to the further alienation from the society... and of cos, they continue to spiral downwards in the society. but from my observations, a few things i could say for sure - they are damned hardworking, damned bloody conscientious in their work, and have damned bloody excellent good work attitude. they worked hard minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, just to get that meagre pay (for some as little as $5 an hour) to sustain their family. and i give them my respect.
frankly, interacting with them reminds me of my own parents generation and the good old kampong days. it was those similar work ethics that managed to provide me and my siblings through our education and our lives. this feeling made me feel kinda warm and kinda close to them. and i wish them well and that their children would benefit from their hardwork as i did my parents.
:-)
by speaking to them, it was clear that they are unlikely to move up the social ladder. they belong almost certainly to the very heartlander class of the singaporean society and they are often lesser educated, not too well-off and of course, are predominantly dialect speakers - hokkien to be specific. and they really believe that they only have to work very very very hard to succeed in life. and their definition of success is often narrowly defined as "getting rich". yet, due to their limitations (in education, and so on), get caught in the working class layer of the society. well, i am stating this not from a derogatory angle. rather, i am stating this in the most matter-of-fact manner.
then again, the few things that i really enjoyed interacting with them was the fact that they are very real, and very down-to-earth. they say what they want to say. they laughed. they joked. they smiled. very straightforward. very unpretentious and very sincere. and at times, it seemed like we are all the underdogs of the society. hmmm... whether it is real or not, i am not sure, but certainly, i can say they have excellent work ethics and exhibit a own set of values that we do not often see amongst people of the `upper-class' (hmm... sounds rather atas here). camaraderie, discipline, hard-working... just to name a few.
reflecting, when they were young, they were mostly the people that we brand as ah lians and ah bengs in singapore. and of cos, very often, we (myself included admittedly) do not want to associate ourselves with them for doing so would be kinda embarrassing as they were considered uncouthed, loud, and often of bad background. they are now in their mid-thirties or older. and as they are lesser educated and not computer-literate, they avoid the computer (and the internet). and in doing so, missed out on the information and knowledge age and this contribute to the further alienation from the society... and of cos, they continue to spiral downwards in the society. but from my observations, a few things i could say for sure - they are damned hardworking, damned bloody conscientious in their work, and have damned bloody excellent good work attitude. they worked hard minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, just to get that meagre pay (for some as little as $5 an hour) to sustain their family. and i give them my respect.
frankly, interacting with them reminds me of my own parents generation and the good old kampong days. it was those similar work ethics that managed to provide me and my siblings through our education and our lives. this feeling made me feel kinda warm and kinda close to them. and i wish them well and that their children would benefit from their hardwork as i did my parents.
:-)
blood pressure
went for my routine health check today. blood pressure is a little high. been asked to keep track of my blood pressure on a regular basis and to go back again for a follow-up check in 8 weeks time.
otherwise, everything else seemed pretty fine.
:-)
otherwise, everything else seemed pretty fine.
:-)
Sunday, 27 September 2009
meditation class
today, i started my meditation class with schneider. bee was busy with the mooncake selling and couldn't attend. and i really found the class very good. never ever had a buddhist shi fu (venerable) ever been so smooth in her delivery before. the nun was also able to make everyone comfortable and relaxed. it didn't matter if we did not have any experience in meditation for she started from the basics. we were taught about correct breathing techniques and sitting postures.
and for our homework, she asked us to do two things - talk less, and don't rush. simple things to make us more aware of ourselves (mindfulness) and in doing so, calm our minds.
i thought she was very good!
and for our homework, she asked us to do two things - talk less, and don't rush. simple things to make us more aware of ourselves (mindfulness) and in doing so, calm our minds.
i thought she was very good!
Saturday, 26 September 2009
one summer night
omg!!! i actually found this song in youtube! it's one of my earliest favourite pop song that was hugely popular during my childhood days! been looking for the album for many years...
:-)
Friday, 25 September 2009
first step
have made my first step in my job search this morning.
managed to brushed up my resume and have sent it out for a job opening. really, not expecting anything out of this, but i thought it was a very good first step to have my resume done!
:-)
managed to brushed up my resume and have sent it out for a job opening. really, not expecting anything out of this, but i thought it was a very good first step to have my resume done!
:-)
Thursday, 24 September 2009
selling mooncakes
have been helping out bee in selling mooncakes at the parkway parade shopping center over the past few days... erm, ok, ok not really selling but rather, in placking, unpacking, accounting, displaying and so on. but whenever the opportunity allowed, i'd try doing some promoting. but being unfamiliar with the product, i could only do as much as smile and give a brief superficial introduction.
today, and given that bee was at work, i decided to drop by to reinforce james. and i must say there were really lots of opportunities given that the evening crowd was quite good. i decided to try doing the selling proper and went about memorizing the products. before i knew it, a guy came along. after some introduction, i was able to sense his interest in buying. but as he could not decide on which flavour to take, i recommended the premium assortment pack to him. frankly, i was trying my luck as the assortment pack was not really moving very fast today. and what do you know! he actually took my recommendation and asked for 2 boxes on the spot!
heh heh, my first sale! it certainly felt good.
well, i am having fun at the moment. not too sure if this is gonna be something i want to do in the longer term. but of cos, to help out is something that i think i can do. for now.
:-)
today, and given that bee was at work, i decided to drop by to reinforce james. and i must say there were really lots of opportunities given that the evening crowd was quite good. i decided to try doing the selling proper and went about memorizing the products. before i knew it, a guy came along. after some introduction, i was able to sense his interest in buying. but as he could not decide on which flavour to take, i recommended the premium assortment pack to him. frankly, i was trying my luck as the assortment pack was not really moving very fast today. and what do you know! he actually took my recommendation and asked for 2 boxes on the spot!
heh heh, my first sale! it certainly felt good.
well, i am having fun at the moment. not too sure if this is gonna be something i want to do in the longer term. but of cos, to help out is something that i think i can do. for now.
:-)
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
双人相梦
have been looking for this song 双人相梦 by 年少之岛 (方炯镔&黄启铭) for the longest time ever. over the last weekend, as i was talking about it casually while on our way to melaka, damien was able to identify the name of the group and finally found the song in the internet!
so happy!
:-)
melaka again
made another trip to melaka over the hari raya puasa aidil fitri holiday with schneider and damien. nothing fanciful, just to chill off and to take a break from singapore. and i must say my melaka trip this time round revolved around eating and shopping. nothing much. but i enjoyed it. the company was good. and we were all very relax.
frankly, when we started off thinking of going for a holiday, we toyed around with locations such as hong kong, taiwan, etc. but given the need to syncrhonize our schedules and manage our budget, we ended up with melaka (again!). then again, it seemed a natural choice as we all liked melaka quite a bit.
melaka is a very nice place. not too fast, not too slow... and apart from the cheaper ringgit, the proximity to singapore is certainly a very good plus factor. of cos, there are disadvantages of heading to somewhere close like melaka. for example, one cannot really get out of the `òut of singapore' mentality. for that matter, when in melaka, my `guesstimate' was that more than half of the guests in the hotel was singaporeans! and i even met my coursemates, and ex-student there!
really, if given a choice, i'd prefer to go somewhere far, somewhere cold, somewhere where i cannot be recognized. and where i can just totally totally blank off and be myself, or for that matter, be naughty! and better still, head off for a holiday alone. this way, there will be no pressure to conform, no pressure to consult your travel partner (where to eat, where to go, when to go, what to do and so on). and certainly when alone, i can choose to go anywhere i want - explore by myself, experience things without feeling constraint. having said this, i am also sure i will miss having people around me. having people to look out for me. having people to fuss about. heh heh. i sound so contradicting. well... i must be tired.
anyway, such places are hard to come by when one does not want to spend too much.
:-)
frankly, when we started off thinking of going for a holiday, we toyed around with locations such as hong kong, taiwan, etc. but given the need to syncrhonize our schedules and manage our budget, we ended up with melaka (again!). then again, it seemed a natural choice as we all liked melaka quite a bit.
melaka is a very nice place. not too fast, not too slow... and apart from the cheaper ringgit, the proximity to singapore is certainly a very good plus factor. of cos, there are disadvantages of heading to somewhere close like melaka. for example, one cannot really get out of the `òut of singapore' mentality. for that matter, when in melaka, my `guesstimate' was that more than half of the guests in the hotel was singaporeans! and i even met my coursemates, and ex-student there!
really, if given a choice, i'd prefer to go somewhere far, somewhere cold, somewhere where i cannot be recognized. and where i can just totally totally blank off and be myself, or for that matter, be naughty! and better still, head off for a holiday alone. this way, there will be no pressure to conform, no pressure to consult your travel partner (where to eat, where to go, when to go, what to do and so on). and certainly when alone, i can choose to go anywhere i want - explore by myself, experience things without feeling constraint. having said this, i am also sure i will miss having people around me. having people to look out for me. having people to fuss about. heh heh. i sound so contradicting. well... i must be tired.
anyway, such places are hard to come by when one does not want to spend too much.
:-)
empty thoughts
i've been rather lazy in my blogging lately. it's so un-me to be like that... well, at least, un-me as compared to last year. anyway, i have been rather busy lately. and of cos, i was busy in a rather nice way - meeting up with friends for dinners and heading off for holiday over the hari raya weekend...
talking about dinners with friends, i had dinner with tai last week. it was a dinner that had been postponed since a couple of weeks back. it was also our first time meeting up. and well, i must say, it was a very good meeting. have not really sat down and speak with someone (anyone for that matter) for a long time. and it certainly made me feel good. it made me feel alive.
being with people, talking to people, interacting with people... they all have this beautiful effect of making one feel alive and connected. well, at least for me for i am usually a rather quiet person who'd rather keep to myself. not that it is not good. but when one keeps to himself too long and too often, he goes into this state where he begins to live in his own world. and he becomes somewhat like a zombie. all things comes to a stand still. and that is not good at all. so... before i become a zombie, i better start to re-connect myself into the society!
:-)
talking about dinners with friends, i had dinner with tai last week. it was a dinner that had been postponed since a couple of weeks back. it was also our first time meeting up. and well, i must say, it was a very good meeting. have not really sat down and speak with someone (anyone for that matter) for a long time. and it certainly made me feel good. it made me feel alive.
being with people, talking to people, interacting with people... they all have this beautiful effect of making one feel alive and connected. well, at least for me for i am usually a rather quiet person who'd rather keep to myself. not that it is not good. but when one keeps to himself too long and too often, he goes into this state where he begins to live in his own world. and he becomes somewhat like a zombie. all things comes to a stand still. and that is not good at all. so... before i become a zombie, i better start to re-connect myself into the society!
:-)
Friday, 18 September 2009
Thursday, 17 September 2009
1.5 months
i am now 1.5 months into my post-service life. given my savings and my retirement benefits, i reckon i should be able to sustain for about a year and a half. but as it stands, i am beginning to feel bored. perhaps it is a good time to look back and review what i have done and where i am heading. there are 3 key things that i think i need to relook as i progress. these are, in no order of priority, my personal life, my family and my career.
when i first left service, i had told myself that for my personal life, i would dedicate the immediate few months to myself to rest, to consolidate and to catch up with friends. in terms of my family, i had also made the commitment to spent more time with my mum before i start looking for a job. as for my next career, i had decided not to pressure myself and to only look for a job say in end of the year. this was also in view of the economic uncertainly and the not-too-rosy employment market out there.
so, where am i now? hmmm, let's take a look.
my personal life - in these last few weeks, i have made quite a fair bit of efforts in myself and my friends. i have made some good progress in consolidating my stuff - investments, insurance etc. for myself, i made some good progress in my journey as a buddhist by taking refuge, reviewing my health, check-ups, etc. as for key commitments in terms of time and cash, these include committing to a chiropratic treatment plan, getting a new extra-firm mattress and getting a new laptop. i see such purchases as investments. these are necessities. chiropractic for my 10-yr back and neck problems, laptop for my job-hunting and to replace my 5 year desktop pc, mattress to stabilize my weak back and to replace my last one that had served me well for the past 10 years. i had also considered travelling. give myself a good overseas break to recharge. may be head to states, or to europe, simply to indulge in life's luxuries. hmmm... have not really done all these other than a very short trip to melaka with lk. that's me perhaps, really want to enjoy but when i see the costs involved, i pulled back. heh...
as for family life, i had also consciously made time for my mum and of cos, my dog, sapphie. and this perhaps was one of the best thing that i have done and will continue to do to my best abilities. as for bee, he has been busy with work and studies. no easy solution to this and thus, i think i will leave it as status quo.
in terms of my career, i have not put sufficient thoughts in terms of recharting my future career. not that i can't, but i certainly did not plan to do so. as i mentioned, i wanted to give myself time to rest, recharge and consolidate. but frankly, after 1.5 months, i am beginning to worry if my time-off will make me lose my desire to want to work. and this is making me question the wisdom on wanting to rest, recuperate, consolidate for the `next couple of months'. perhaps i should start to review this aspect and to relook at my timeline for job-hunting. i need to think about it more and do something about it.
...
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
mooncake 09
mooncake festival is coming again. last year, i did not celebrate nor observe the festival due to my dad's demise. as such, the annual practise of giving mooncakes to relatives was not done. this year, i'll be doing so again. need to start working out the list all over again... mum, sister, bees' family, james, james' parents, james' sister, la la la...
:-)
afternote: agreed with my friends' advice and did not buy the mooncake for james and his family afterall.
:-)
afternote: agreed with my friends' advice and did not buy the mooncake for james and his family afterall.
Monday, 14 September 2009
my cousin
had dinner with my cousin and bee on friday. it was really a very good dinner. as he is also gay, there was really no bars hold for us as we shared about out lives, our relationships, etc...
really looking forward to seeing him again soon!
really looking forward to seeing him again soon!
Sunday, 13 September 2009
accident
was driving out of my side road last evening and as i turned onto the main road, i saw things flying ahead over a car just after the traffic light... couldn't really figure out what flew except that there were 2 huge things and that one looked like a red bag. i had a feeling it was not something good.
as i straightened my car, i noted that quite a few car switching to the left lanes hastily (the slower lanes)... and as i drove on further, i saw a car stopped just after the traffic light at the outermost lane. some 3-4 meters ahead was a body. it was a male. and he was slumped against the road kerb, beside him was a red knapsack. he looked terribly pale and was motionless. and it seemed like his face had smashed onto the road kerb. ahead of this person was another car. within that couple of milliseconds, someone got of out this car and walked towards the body. he looked worried.
as i drove past the bus stop, i saw the 4-5 people staring at the accident. a short distance ahead, it was the same for the 2 residents and security guards of changi court condo. it seemed like everyone had stopped moving and was focusing their attention towards the accident.
and as i drove past this second car, i turned my head back. the car bonnet had been dented inwards. it looked very bad. for that split second, i wanted to stop and help. yet, something told me i should just drive on. looking at things, i knew it would be terribly bad and that i had better leave this to professionals. instinctively, i reached out for my handphone and dialed the police hotline. 999. told them what i saw. my hands were trembling by then. after reporting the accident, i proceeded to town.
from what i saw, my conclusion was that the man, carrying a knapsack, had wanted to cross the road. he was barely a couple of meters from the traffic light and had noticed the flashing green man turned red. he attempted to dash across the road and as he did so, the traffic light turned green. the driver of first car at the traffic light, who probably did not notice this man, stepped onto his accelerator hard. the car hit the man. the impact threw the man and his knapsack over the car. the car screeched to a stop. by which time, the man had landed onto the kerb face down.
today, bee told me that the accident was reported in the chinese papers. the person, a 38 year old man from bukit batok, had died on the spot. for some reasons, he visited changi area. he left behind a cambodian wife and a 1-month old son.
sad.
sighs... life is fragile.
as i straightened my car, i noted that quite a few car switching to the left lanes hastily (the slower lanes)... and as i drove on further, i saw a car stopped just after the traffic light at the outermost lane. some 3-4 meters ahead was a body. it was a male. and he was slumped against the road kerb, beside him was a red knapsack. he looked terribly pale and was motionless. and it seemed like his face had smashed onto the road kerb. ahead of this person was another car. within that couple of milliseconds, someone got of out this car and walked towards the body. he looked worried.
as i drove past the bus stop, i saw the 4-5 people staring at the accident. a short distance ahead, it was the same for the 2 residents and security guards of changi court condo. it seemed like everyone had stopped moving and was focusing their attention towards the accident.
and as i drove past this second car, i turned my head back. the car bonnet had been dented inwards. it looked very bad. for that split second, i wanted to stop and help. yet, something told me i should just drive on. looking at things, i knew it would be terribly bad and that i had better leave this to professionals. instinctively, i reached out for my handphone and dialed the police hotline. 999. told them what i saw. my hands were trembling by then. after reporting the accident, i proceeded to town.
from what i saw, my conclusion was that the man, carrying a knapsack, had wanted to cross the road. he was barely a couple of meters from the traffic light and had noticed the flashing green man turned red. he attempted to dash across the road and as he did so, the traffic light turned green. the driver of first car at the traffic light, who probably did not notice this man, stepped onto his accelerator hard. the car hit the man. the impact threw the man and his knapsack over the car. the car screeched to a stop. by which time, the man had landed onto the kerb face down.
today, bee told me that the accident was reported in the chinese papers. the person, a 38 year old man from bukit batok, had died on the spot. for some reasons, he visited changi area. he left behind a cambodian wife and a 1-month old son.
sad.
sighs... life is fragile.
new laptop
purchased a new laptop today! it's an asus. first time i am using an asus and so far, i am rather happy about it!
:-)
:-)
Friday, 11 September 2009
mattress
decided to purchase a mattress earlier on. got a super firm one. one that is tops in providing a person with good back support. i thought i should give myself this little treat. come to think of it, we spend roughly one third of our 24-hr day in bed, yet we often do not give that kinda priority in terms of budgeting our spending when it comes to purchasing beds. just compare to the amount of monies we spent on our car yet spend only that small amount of time per day in the car. well you get the idea... anyway, the mattress i bought cost close to 2.5k. but after all the sale discounts, member privileges (additional discounts) la la la, i only need to pay 1.2K. i thought it was a good buy! so looking forward to its delivery this coming tuesday!
:-)
:-)
Thursday, 10 September 2009
haruki murakami
started reading books by haruki murakami last week and found it a very pleasant read. the first book i read was "what i talk about when i talk about running". certainly could connect with lots of things he wrote. and it left me smiling many a times. and today, i started a second book by him called "after dark". very smooth reading and very engaging. so glad to be able to find a writer that i like. will be checking out more of his books! this is a complete review of the books he wrote.
:-)
:-)
Monday, 7 September 2009
unruly man
i learned something new about myself today. and i felt very good about it. i felt very powerful. i was able to control myself. you see, i met with the most unruly person and got punched by him. by his actions, i could have reported him to the police. but in the end, i decided to let him go. i decided to forgive and forget. and i came out of the episode feeling very happy. anyway, this was wat happened.
you see, i would bring my dog sapphie to the business park to walk almost on a daily basis. given that the path to the park and the park itself was rather deserted, i would usually let her run around without her leash. and i have been doing this for the longest i could remember and have never had any issues with anyone. for that matter, anyone who sees sapphie would somehow come and play with her instead. she is just so mild-tempered. anyway, linking this business park to my condo is a canal. and along the side of the canal is a small walkway. today, as i walked sapphie home, i saw this particular person walking towards me. he had his dog with him. at that time, sapphie was happily sniffing the grass by the side of the walkway. seeing sapphie unleashed, he stopped and pointed his fingers at me. sensing his apprehension about an unleashed dog, i immediately gave him an apology gesture and commanded sapphie to stay still. i then went up to her and leashed her. all these while, the man and his dog were some 20-30m away.
after leashing sapphie up, i proceeded to walk towards my condo (in the direction of the man and his dog). and to prevent sapphie from going to sniff the man's dog, i walked close to the canal barrier with sapphie between me and the barrier. i hugged close to the canal leaving the huge grass patch beside for the man and his dog to walk. as he neared me, instead of walking on the grass patch, he let his dog dashed between sapphie and i. next thing i knew, he leaned onto me. there was no where for me to move and i was pushed onto sapphie and against the canal barrier. within a split second, his dog pounced onto sapphie. at the same time, the man raised his arm, pressed his elbow onto my back, pushed me down and punched my back with his clenched fist. my immediate instinct was to hold onto the dog's leash to prevent him from hurting sapphie. but as the man had pushed me down, his dog's leash that i was holding tightened and the i felt his dog bite my hand. i had experienced something similar with sapphie biting my hand when she was a puppy and i immediately clenched my fist tight. this prevented the jaws from closing further. i was in a very precarious position - trying desperately not to pull the dog's leash too tight in case i strangle him yet exerting enough strength to resist a nasty bite and at the same time, trying to resist the burly sized owner's body from pushing me down.
it all happened very suddenly. instinctively, i pushed myself upwards, turned around and shouted at him. i managed to push the man off and as he fell back, i let go of his dog's leash. i demanded a reason as to why he punched me. he was really unruly. he turned around and started hurling all sorts of accusations at how i had threatened to attack his dog. and how he has responded in his dog's defense... i was so really fucking pissed off with him by then. despite being the aggressor, he had turned around and accused me. and i totally dislike people who do not admit their mistakes and twist their facts despite being the aggressor and in the wrong. my anger rose and we got into a very heated argument. he continued hurling his accusations...
after some 10-15mins, he finally admitted that he was in the wrong. i was able to objectively rebut every of his accusations. there was really no way he could over-argue me. i had been totally above board and clear in my mind about what i had done and what he could have done. and i guessed apart from my ability to point out the flaws in his arguments, the fact that my hand was also bleeding from his dog's bite also threw him off. he admitted he should not have done what he did. and that he had lost control of himself cos he had had a lousy weekend trying to train his dog.
after his apology, i continued giving him a lecture and asked him to think through all the wrongs and all the hostile things he did. at that time, i really needed to vent. i needed to release all the pent up frustrations and anger. apart from being pissed off with his unreasonable aggressiveness, i was also totally pissed off with his punch. never in my life was i ever hit by a person other than my mum. my half-scolding, half-lecturing rantings went on for a further 5-10 minutes or so.... and unknowingly, as i vented, i found my inner-self quietening down. in fact, as i vented, a voice in me was also telling me i need to find a way to exit this whole episode. gradually, my venting began to sound like a mak nenek (grandma) giving a small boy a long lecture... i ended by telling him i did not intend to make a police report but would like him to reflect on what he did. i thought it would have been more effective as a lesson for him.
at the end of the whole episode, i told him how much i had wanted and hoped to be able to know friends who are dog owners around the area and with whom sapphie could learn social skills. and that the experience today was certainly a highly negative one. by that time, i noted that he had also quietened down. he apologized again. i ended the whole session by wishing him a good walk with his dog...
yes, it might sound weird the way i ended this very hostile episode. but whatever it was, i certainly felt very good. very good for that fact that i was able to control myself and the situation. frankly, this was the first time in my life that i had physically got myself embroiled in a fight. one on one. for the longest time, i had known myself to be the type that would keep quiet when things go wrong and would explode violently when i hit my threshold. and when i blow, it could be really ugly. such eruptions of anger scare me. but today, i was in control. i chose to end the situation in a very controlled manner. and i walked out of the situation feeling very very good.
:-)
blood clots again
it's been a week since i had blood clots in my urine. and yet today, i have the same clots appearing... and the symptoms were the same. two-three days of very achy back before it appears. i think i really have to make the appointment to see the urologist again...
:-(
:-(
you raised me up
i blogged about my mum having been diagnosed with mild dementia some 4 months back. and recently she had had her total knee replacement re-done. it's been 2 weeks. and i have been corresponding with her on the phone almost daily as i was down with a flu. and through our phone calls, i sensed her dementia had worsened. you see, a couple of days back when i called her, she spoke to me in malay instead of the usual hokkien. and her speech slurred and occasionally she did not respond... i knew she had gone into a world of her own when that happened. yesterday, i felt my flu had cleared sufficiently for me to visit her. while i was not surprised, i was not really prepared to see and experience the magnitude to which her dementia had worsened.
when i arrived, she was seated on her wheelchair and her body was slumped forward. she was staring at the floor. and when i looked at her eyes, they were totally lifeless. the white of her eyes looked porcelain white and her pupils look glassy black. and they were both slightly damp. i called out to her and she looked up. yet her eyes did not seem to register my presence. despite looking at my direction, they looked like they were looking through me instead.
sighs...
pulling myself together, i spent the next 3 hours talking to her. i told myself i need to keep her mind active. and through the 3 hours, her memory swung to and fro between her youth to the current reality constantly. at one time, i was talking to my 77 year old mother and how her leg was hurting after the operation, and she would ask me to tell bee that he need to visit her, la la la. and then suddenly, she was a young girl ("is my mother home?" she asked); or as a young mother talking to me her teenage son ("how come you are not in school?")... and once a while, she'd totally forget about things ("who is su how?"). and our conversation would also be punctuated with her slipping into herself. when this occurred, she would just stare blankly into the air and i would end up talking to someone who was no longer around. yet, throughout the time, i had to constantly sound cheerful and engaged her at the level that would keep her going... actually, it was more like i was asking her a lot of questions and often, i had to answer the questions myself. i reminded her of her life, i got her to tell me about her past. and as we conversed, i massaged her bloated-up legs that had continued to pain her ("i don't understand, yesterday, my leg was fine, and today it is all bloated up and painful!"). and as we spoke, she teared non-stop as she could no longer control her tear ducts. once a while, she would try to wipe her tears but she could hardly hold on to the tissues. it was clear that she was also losing her ability to control her muscles.
the conversation was light and easy. yet, i felt a certain wave of emotions as i grappled with the thought that i was losing my mum as i spoke. that saddened me. a few times, i had to consciously hold back my tears from welling-up. frankly, i never know i was able to control my tear duct that well. but i had to. i could not possibly tear in front of her. after having heard about bee's grandma, i roughly knew what to expect. for now, mum could still sit in her wheelchair. but soon enough, she would be bed-ridden. the frequency where she would slip into herself would increase. and eventually, she would go into a state where she would totally be in a state of her own. that would be when we would lose her totally despite her being alive and well. and she would continue to be in that state until life expires on her.
i have time and again heard stories about how dementia sets in for some people not long after their spouse dies. and it tells me of the will-power that kept them going to look after their spouse in their final days. and when they go after their spouse dies, it was probably becos they see no more purpose and aim in their live. now, i see it happening to my own mum. i am sad. but as jason had mentioned before, they are not in pain per se, they are just in another state of consciousness altogether. the challenge therefore, is for me now to remind myself that i have to let her go. it is me that i have to manage. it is my own sense of attachment to her old self that is making me sad. instead, i should treasure this remaining moments with her and also to celebrate that fact that she has lived a good life. that she is ready to enter into this state should be taken as a sign that she has total faith in her childrens' ability to continue living our lives. with this in mind, i should make sure that her onward journey continues to be smooth and comfortable and that i must give her the confidence that we will go on. reflecting on how mum brought me up and how she had placed me in leadership roles in the family in my dads' absence, i guess i now have to also prepare my family and the domestic helper mentally as her condition deteriorates.
thinking of the days to come, i could only use the hokkien phrase the best sums it up: "li chi wa tua, wa chi li lao" or literally "you have raised me up, i'll take care of you till you die".
when i arrived, she was seated on her wheelchair and her body was slumped forward. she was staring at the floor. and when i looked at her eyes, they were totally lifeless. the white of her eyes looked porcelain white and her pupils look glassy black. and they were both slightly damp. i called out to her and she looked up. yet her eyes did not seem to register my presence. despite looking at my direction, they looked like they were looking through me instead.
sighs...
pulling myself together, i spent the next 3 hours talking to her. i told myself i need to keep her mind active. and through the 3 hours, her memory swung to and fro between her youth to the current reality constantly. at one time, i was talking to my 77 year old mother and how her leg was hurting after the operation, and she would ask me to tell bee that he need to visit her, la la la. and then suddenly, she was a young girl ("is my mother home?" she asked); or as a young mother talking to me her teenage son ("how come you are not in school?")... and once a while, she'd totally forget about things ("who is su how?"). and our conversation would also be punctuated with her slipping into herself. when this occurred, she would just stare blankly into the air and i would end up talking to someone who was no longer around. yet, throughout the time, i had to constantly sound cheerful and engaged her at the level that would keep her going... actually, it was more like i was asking her a lot of questions and often, i had to answer the questions myself. i reminded her of her life, i got her to tell me about her past. and as we conversed, i massaged her bloated-up legs that had continued to pain her ("i don't understand, yesterday, my leg was fine, and today it is all bloated up and painful!"). and as we spoke, she teared non-stop as she could no longer control her tear ducts. once a while, she would try to wipe her tears but she could hardly hold on to the tissues. it was clear that she was also losing her ability to control her muscles.
the conversation was light and easy. yet, i felt a certain wave of emotions as i grappled with the thought that i was losing my mum as i spoke. that saddened me. a few times, i had to consciously hold back my tears from welling-up. frankly, i never know i was able to control my tear duct that well. but i had to. i could not possibly tear in front of her. after having heard about bee's grandma, i roughly knew what to expect. for now, mum could still sit in her wheelchair. but soon enough, she would be bed-ridden. the frequency where she would slip into herself would increase. and eventually, she would go into a state where she would totally be in a state of her own. that would be when we would lose her totally despite her being alive and well. and she would continue to be in that state until life expires on her.
i have time and again heard stories about how dementia sets in for some people not long after their spouse dies. and it tells me of the will-power that kept them going to look after their spouse in their final days. and when they go after their spouse dies, it was probably becos they see no more purpose and aim in their live. now, i see it happening to my own mum. i am sad. but as jason had mentioned before, they are not in pain per se, they are just in another state of consciousness altogether. the challenge therefore, is for me now to remind myself that i have to let her go. it is me that i have to manage. it is my own sense of attachment to her old self that is making me sad. instead, i should treasure this remaining moments with her and also to celebrate that fact that she has lived a good life. that she is ready to enter into this state should be taken as a sign that she has total faith in her childrens' ability to continue living our lives. with this in mind, i should make sure that her onward journey continues to be smooth and comfortable and that i must give her the confidence that we will go on. reflecting on how mum brought me up and how she had placed me in leadership roles in the family in my dads' absence, i guess i now have to also prepare my family and the domestic helper mentally as her condition deteriorates.
thinking of the days to come, i could only use the hokkien phrase the best sums it up: "li chi wa tua, wa chi li lao" or literally "you have raised me up, i'll take care of you till you die".
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