james & jack

finally had the chance to meet jack. i did not feel awkward when it came to meeting jack. but it did certainly make me a bit more conscious about how i should behave when it came to james. and the fact that i am james' ex must have made it somewhat awkward for him. anyway, i am glad i got to meet him.

anyway, james came along. looked at the humongous lot of stuff, sifted thru some of them. selected quite a few boxes and together with jack, carried them to the estate rubbish dump and threw them away. for a moment, i felt angry. angry that he threw away those stuff that i had preserved and kept for him. all the things that i had cleaned and maintained over time. well, granted some of them had turned mouldy, but... and there were some stuff like printers and cork-boards that he asked if i wanted. i told him to throw them away if he does not need them anymore. so in the end, they moved some of the stuff back, left 8 boxes for the movers to move and a few boxes of stuff to be discarded. took me a while to throw them away. they were heavy. but it was the weight in my heart that weighed me down when i carried them to the estate rubbish dump.

well, there were some stuff that james wanted to bring home... and jack asked - why? when will u ever use them?... instinctively, i wanted to react - hey, that's james' stuff and there are certain things that you cannot dictate.. esp things that we bought together... it's kinda weird, but that is the kinda feeling that i still get when i felt challenged. for that moment, i hated jack.

but haha, he is after all, james' bf now. he wouldn't know the history behind each of the object that had been packed. anyway, there is only so much i can say and there is only so much right i have as an ex. i have to let go. and yup, as dennis rightly said, it's kinda weird moving one's ex things out of the house. but in a way, it's liberating...

ps: there was one particular photo of james and i, taken when he graduated that i had wanted to keep but dare not ask. initially he wanted to throw it away, but in the end, he took the box home, saying that he wanted to sift thru the stuff... that is probably one of the very very few photos we ever take together as a couple...

storeroom

james' things have been kept in the storeroom over the past 3 years. the room has finally been cleared and they are all placed in the living room. reflecting, the storeroom had in fact been a place where i had stored all the memories and artifact of our 7-yr relationship. as i packed, each piece of stuff remind me of specific incident, specific time of the 7 year, of his face, his moods, etc...

everything just simply flashed by.

he will be collecting some of the stuff today. jack will be helping him. and i think he will probably throw away quite a bit of stuff and leave some of the boxes to be collected another day. there are just too many things to be moved.

my mum asked innocently this morning - how come only you are doing the packing? how come james did not come and help, since it is all his stuff...

well...

managing stress

i noticed that over the last two weeks, each and everyone of us in the family has been under some sort of stress over my dad's conditions. without making any judgments of them, i would say that each of us has managed it differently.

• my mum. she has been having sleepless nights just worrying about my dad. asked her if she was able to sleep well now that my dad is away in hospital, she replied that she had not been able to sleep worrying about his swollen leg, worrying about his liver cancer... putting myself in her shoes, i can understand her worries. it must have been difficult for her to manage the stress and accepting the eventuality that my dad's time will come soon.

• my sisters. they have been doing what they can by visiting my dad. there is really not much they can do. can sense that they are loosing their temper faster these days. certainly don't like to get into the situation where differences in opinions end up with tensions, just like the way my eldest sis had responded when i shared with her my concerns of hiring a maid. sighs...

• my (ex) bro. he has been visiting dad at the hospital daily to bathe him and to see him. he is the closest to my dad. i think he will probably be the hardest hit when my dad passes away. and i think i will have the greatest tensions with him when it comes to managing the funeral and stuff.

• me. personally, don't find it easy. sensing that everyone is assuming i am unfeeling about my dad's condition. seemed like my acceptance of his eventual demise as a natural development of things has been perceived as me not caring. and it gets more and more difficult to communicate with all of them.

guess we all have our own ways of managing stress. it's so difficult and i find myself treading a very fine line between communicating objectively and sounding uncaring when it comes to my own family members.

packing james' stuff

went to ikea to purchase packing boxes and spent the whole evening packing james' books, files and so on. filled the 8 huge boxes i purchased and it's still not enough to completely pack his stuff. plus all the other boxes that i had packed 2 years back, coupled with the clothes etc,... it came up to about 20 boxes. each about 30kg.

a lot i must say. but well, it's accumulated over 7 years.

felt rather down and glum as i went about packing. not a sense of catharsis. rather, it was a sense of lost. felt like i'm finally cutting off a part of me, for good. my mum sat by me, looking on as i packed. she did not utter a single word. she knew it was james' stuff. and somehow, i sensed she understood how i felt. for a moment, it felt like i was clearing stuff of someone who had left me for good, someone who had died. but i dare not say it out. lest she equates it to preparing for my dad's passing. well, i have to be sensitive during this period. and as i packed, i cried a silent tear.

and sapphie behaved weird too, she'd usually prance around as i do my housework. but this time round, she just sat there. glum-faced. and just stared at me as i move in and out, carrying box after box. she has this uncanny ability to sense my moods.

ah well... all good things must end. and this finally, would be the finale and closure of one chapter of my life.

graduate

received a letter today that stated that i have been formally conferred the masters of arts in instructional designs and technology wef 10 june 2008.

it's a nice little morale booster amidst all the stress these couple of weeks.

:-)

peaceful sleep

told my mum to sleep well last night. she has not been sleeping well and my dad's hospitalisation would allow her some uninterrupted sleep.

for me, i was hoping to sleep well too. but the sleep was interrupted by a series of dreams. there were several dreams in all. but i remembered one - in my dream, i was in a flat (not too sure which flat tho) and checking out on the clothes hanger outside - the prefabricated ones that is often seen outside those hdb public housing. and when i reach out to check how stable the hanger was, i fell out of the window and ended up hanging precariously on the hanger. i screamed for help. the flat was rather high up (5? 10 floors?). a fall would mean immediate death for me. the hanger was slippery and at one point, one of my hand slipped. and i could feel myself loosing grip. my mum was too weak to help me, much less to pull me in. and somehow my brother appear. he was initially unwilling to help but after sometime, he reached out with his hand. i grapped it and it was cold and lifeless. that was the time i woke up.

i fell asleep again... and the next thing i knew, something in me shook me up. it was daybreak and the room i woke up to was in shades of grey. being short sighted and not wearing my specs, everything was blur... and for that split second, i couldn't recognize my own room. and then i panicked. i shouldn't be still in bed. i should be at work... i wanted to get up. but it was one of those occasion when you wanted desperately to get up but your body just wouldn't listen... struggles... and then, something in me told me to relax and sleep cos it is the weekend...

arghhh... hate it when i experience such nites...

creating capacity

for a start, i have decided to create the capacity to manage eventualities.

firstly, need to find the space. after holding on for 3 years, i finally messaged james to clear the storeroomful of his stuff. never want to do this. but urgent time calls for emergency measures. don't feel good about it. and i hope he understands.

secondly, i need to find the solution to manage my dad when he returns from hospital - probably next week. if i cannot find a domestic help in time, i should at least teach my mum how to call for an ambulance if the need arises...

thirdly... i need to think through my financial options and how to source for the cash needed to support these new requirements.

fourthly, hmmm... still thinking... well, it helps to write. it helps to consolidate my thoughts. passing thought... how to find ways to sustain and to support my own mental state of affairs?...

breathless

breathless - from several angles...

my dad was found having breathing problems today after lunch and my mum panicked. she didn't know how to call any of us. luckily she managed to call my aunt who in turn activated the ambulance. in the end, my dad was evacuated and hospitalised. apparently, he had refused to eat the food my mum prepared cos he said it tasted bland (no salt added upon medical advise). coupled with his refusal too to drink, he ended up getting dehydrated and a chain reaction occurred. it was lucky that he was evacuated fast enough.

my 2nd aunt called yesterday and suggested that i hire a maid to look after my dad. seriously, i am in a fix. on one hand, there is insufficient space in the house now. and on the other hand, financially, i am not able to afford it... more important to me, i felt that hiring a maid will not solve the problem of helping my dad as he is simply too heavy and difficult to look after. so, i might end up having a liability instead. the whole issue of thinking what's a workable solution to manage my dad is really a strangle. and it does not help that my siblings do not seem to want to talk and that every time we talk, we end up feeling very tense.

my work has been ending very late recently and all the additional tasks given to me has added a strain to me. and i am literally trying very hard to take a breather now... added to this, i am also feeling the stress about the impending career switch... argh!!!

i am feeling very stressed now and i do not know what to do...

!!!

the lady lays...

received an sms from lp two days back. she was telling me how down she felt when she learned that one of her relative and another one of her friend had been diagnosed with cancer. told her to accept it and to move on. and added that she should not be too affected by it... well, she told me that i cannot understand how she felt. for me, it was a rather interesting to read that reply given that i had only last week received news of my dad's cancer.

anyway, didn't feel the need to tell her about it. yesterday, somehow, i decided to tell her and she was shocked. and today, lk smsed. think she felt kinda apologetic for not catching up for a while. and when she learned of my dad's cancer, she thought it was high time to talk. and as we spoke, i began to appreciate the long time lag since we last had a good talk... it must have been half a year or more cos i realized she was not aware of what happened between me and my bro (or rather, ex-bro), the frequent bouts of issues with my dad's health, and so on...

nonetheless, i must say that it certainly felt good to be able to talk to her after all these while.

:-)

long days

this period one of the most trying period for the course we are managing now in college and that our students would stay late almost every night. last couple of weeks, i've been getting home rather late - at time 12-ish nightly. this week, it averaged about 9pm. very tiring. but my consolation is that this will be the last time i'll be involved in such a long teaching hours. at least in the context of what i am doing now. cos come end this year, i'd have left my set-up. for good.

so, well, i'm putting in my last bit of effort to make sure everything goes well.

think i'll miss this kinda work in future...

twice tis morning

understood from my mum that my dad fell twice last morning, very very early in the morning. and last night, my dad had woken up my mum a couple of times to bring him to the toilet - to pee, shit and to bath... in the middle of the night.

and i am worried. my mum has been on lifelong medication for her depression and she has to have regular sleep every nite. whenever she has anything less than her routine 8pm to 4.30/ 5am duration, she'll experience bad headache and fall sick easily. so, hopefully, last nite's experience with my dad getting her up at 10plus, 11plus and so on is a one off thing. else, not only will my dad be the only one sick in the house, my mum will also join him in no time...

discharged

dad was discharged from hospital today.

retiring

it's confirmed. i retire this 17 dec. and altho it has been something i had planned, somehow after today's interview, i end up feeling unwanted. a bit of a lousy feeling.

you see, my boss has been asking me to consider extending my service or even staying in the capacity of a non-uniformed personnel but in a higher appointment. i have time and again told him that i do not wish to do so and that given my security office's presence bugging me, i had made a commitment to myself that i will leave once i get my full retirement benefits at the end of this year. in my last chat with him, he asked if i would reconsider my options if he could get the security office to `leave me alone'. i told him it was not likely but if he wanted to check, he could do so. in all, the interview lasted close to 2 hours as he wanted to convince me why i should consider staying with the college and how i can help him fulfill some of the stuff he needed to get done.

today, i was again called up to his office. the interview was rather short and sharp. interview with my boss has always been very mechanical. being a practical person as he has always been, interviews are about how to get things done (his way). it was the same the last time and it was the same today. when i walked into his office today, the first thing i was told was that it was to get the formality of my interview and filling in of all the forms he needed to fill done with. secondly, he would just want to update me that my security was not ready to `leave me alone'. and this meant that come 17 dec this year, i will retire. we then went on to talk a bit about career transition and how i need sometime to manage my eventual departure from service. that was it. the interview took no more than 10min.

as i said, altho i had always planned for my departure this year, it felt somewhat better when i was the one doing the rejection. and somehow, after today's interview, i have been made to feel that i am the one being rejected. and it was because of my sexuality.

and the feeling was not too nice. it's regrettable that this should be how i end my 23-year profession with an organisation that i have grown up with an given my life to, and one that i have served - with all my commitments, blood, tears, sweat and all. now, for my part, i can only say that there is no point talking feeling sentimental about. no point talking about professionalism. no point talking about loyalty. all these ideals exist in theory. in real life, things are not the same, once you are gay. for in the end, it is about each one for himself. screw all the organisational ideals and vision and yadda yadda yadda...

time to really wake up and start looking at my own needs.

aging sapphie

observed something new about sapphie today. walked out of the bedroom and she continued lying. it was very unusual as she would usually sit up or at least look up when i walk out of my bedroom. perhaps she's just tired from the evening walk. but considering the walk was short and not as vigorous as her usual walks, i am more inclined to think it's due to her age.

have observed over the past months how she is increasingly prone to sprains, gets tired more easily, appearance of white fur on her face and tail amidst her brown/ blackish base as well as her increasing inability to keep up to the usual pace of runs/ jogs. and of late, her breathe had started to smell... and when i checked her teeth, i noted it has started to yellow - well, considering her age, her teeth can considered to have lasted very well (guessed my regularly removal of the tartar helped).

come this nov, she'll be 10 years old. that means, in human years, she about 65 years old now. old dog and getting older seven times faster than any of us humans... but for now, she's considered very healthy. and i hope she will continue to be so.

sapphie in her diva sleeping/ lazing posture...

:-)

rantings abt nothing

just want to write something but really didn't know what to write. there are too many bite-size things in my mind that i can think of to write... so i decide to about why spending meaningful time needs not be expensive... it's about how i spent my weekend. here goes...

• we met up with schneider for some drinks last evening at serangoon gardens. it was a simple impromptu evening that was arranged due to a last minute cancellation of another plan. we were lucky that schneider had just finished his dragon boat training and had no plans. two bottles of this sparkling white wine (cannot recall the name), pistachios and cuttlefish... simple. but we really enjoyed the experience. the ability to just talk, no walls, no worries about agendas and stuff... just let it flow. unpretentious. no stress. in a way, that's wat weekends are supposed to be. drinking wine with friends can be such a nice, personal and meaningful thing.

• been a long time since i brought my mum out for dinner. and last evening, i had the chance to do it. dad was in hospital and it was a good opportune to bring her out for dinner. so, we brought her to manis manis at turf city. nice simple indonesian restaurant. unpretentious. simple layout. it was relatively cheap and food was good. and we all enjoyed it. and i could see her feeling good about being able to have some good restaurant food for a change. nice.

• bunny arranged for a small get-together at kok's place for bak chang (made by kok's mum when she visited him last week) this afternoon. again, a simple no frills gathering of bunny, bee, kok and i and we simply chatted, watched some dumb taiwanese comedy and dvds. very nice to be able to catch up with them after so long.

• bee had father's day dinner with his family. mum had her char siew rice. and so i had time to myself this evening. i decided to bring sapphie out for a walk. simple one-hour walk to the expo and back. as usual, she was jumping for joy for being able to leave the house. for me, it was one of those few occasions where i could walk her and under no pressure to need to rush home for whatever reasons (such as buy dinner, appointments, etc etc etc)

such was the weekend for me this week. it revolved around friends and family. simple. no frills. but very fulfilling and meaningful.

:-)

debts

this month, for my very first time, i experience owing people money. i have not really managed my money well this time round. guessed my preoccupations with my studies and work had distracted me from these issues and that by the time i start looking into it, it was too late. this was made worst by my over-commitment of my cash to partially repay my housing loans last month. i need to wait for my july bonus to clear off these issues. but for now, it's overwhelming and it's stressful. sighs...

housing loans, income tax, road tax, car insurance, annual insurance payment, regular monthly bills, hospital bills, medical bills for parents all come at the same time...

my dad & my family relations

my mum told me that over the past couple of days my brother (or rather, my (ex) brother) had visited my dad in the hospital and that my dad had given word that should he die, he wants my brother not to quarrel with me. my brother has also told my mum that if my dad were to pass away, he (my brother) would want the wake to be held at his place and that the wake would be done over 3 days. might as well. this fits in very nicely that my brother is closer to my dad and that i had all along wanted him to participate in decision making with regards managing my dad. that he has stated a plan meant that i will not need to think about it and consult him for anything that i plan is perceived by him to be laden with some underlying selfish agenda. i told my mum that whatever the plan, i am fine with it and that i do not want to be seen to be making decisions regarding my dad and his funeral single-handedly.

my brother's relationship with me and my siblings, has never been the best. functional at best, if i may describe. things got a bit worst ever since my dad moved in to my house. you see, my dad would chat with my brother daily over the phone and would tell him of all the happenings in the day with regard me and my sisters. and so, my brother's picture of what happened in my family, the state of family relations, and how we are treating him had all been painted by my dad. and given that my dad likes to lie and whine (whether it is intentional, i don't know, or perhaps it is only about him stating half truth, or simply see things from his perspectives...), my brother's picture of the daily happenings and how we are treating him has always been nothing short of bad. and due to this, for the longest time ever, my brother has been suspicious of us and our actions when it comes to my dad. one thing certain is that he believes i ill-treat my dad and enjoys restricting him. how bad this situation was only became clear in feb when he burst out at me. given this misinterpretation of my words and actions, i have since minimized interacting with my dad. i concluded that to resolve the tension, it would be necessary to minimize any contact with him. and true enough, since then, things in the family has been very very calm.

from my conversation with my mum this morning, i could sense that she hoped i will talk to my dad but on the other hand, she understood that if i were to do so, he might just make the relations between me and my siblings worst. i also found out to my horrors that my dad has, despite all the advise against eating unhealthy food too often, been phone-ordering for kfc and drinking coke/pepsi regularly. this was despite advise by doctors and my mum about the dangers of overloading his system with too much oil, salt and unhealthy chemicals. what she said confirmed my suspicions that his worsening liver and kidney conditions was due to his diet. this was, also confirmed by the consultant that we must, at all cost, reduce his salt and oil intake. let's hope he can take heed now that the doctor has explicitly spoken. there is really nothing more i can do if he refuse to take this advise and continue to fuss about food and phone-ordering kfcs again.

well... whatever the case, at this point in time, i only want things to be quiet and peaceful in the family. my dad has been doing more harm to our family than he realized since we were young. he continues to do so today. since i have minimized talking to him, a few good things has happened. for once, as i said, things have been more peaceful. secondly, my brother has taken the lead to make decisions. these, to me, are positive signs. i will continue to minimize talking to my dad. as for my brother, i cannot change the mental model or perceptions of my brother nor i do not wish to do so. i will move on my independent way once my parents leave us. and our paths will not cross anymore.

as for my dad and his health, none of us can help him anymore if he refuse to help himself.

to do or not to do...

it's about dad again. he has once again been warded in cgh over the past few days. the consultant attending to him had asked to see all of us (his children) today. and as explained, dad has been found to have liver cancer. about 5cm at this point and likely to have spread to the nearby blood vessels. as to spreading to other parts of the body, it was not too apparent at this point in time.

there is no way to cure him except to slow down the process or limit the growth of the cancer. and to do this, there were limited options too. surgery and other invasive procedures are not advised due to his liver condition and his age. and oral medication and cutting off the cancerous growth using laser is not possible due to the extent of the growth. the only possible way that could slow down the growth would be to do this procedure called `tace'. it involves cutting a slit at his groin area, inserting a tube to the growth and injecting some chemicals to it. there might be a need to do 4-6 of such procedures. and to test the effectiveness of tace, there is a need to inject some dye into his body each time he undergo the procedure before deciding if he should go for another tace. and the catch here is, every step of this procedure come with some risk. and given that he has weak kidneys, the injection of the dye might cause the kidneys to fail...

tricky. devil and the deep blue sea. according to the consultant, he has perhaps a year or less to live if he remains as he is. if he undergo tace and is successful, he can possibly live another 3-4 years. if not, perhaps a year or less. but if complication sets in during the tace process, he might end up worst than not doing... tough decision. in the end, we decide that he should be referred to the national cancer center for further opinions and advise before deciding on the next step.

tace: transarterial chemoembolization, it is a procedure in which the blood supply to a tumor is blocked (embolized) and chemotherapy is administered directly into the tumor. used to treat liver cancer (definition from medicinenet.com)

results

these are the results for my final two modules! hurray! very nice end to the whole two years of hard work!

:-)

bak chang!!!

finally completed the packing of the bak chang (bak as in `meat' and chang as in `dumpling' in hokkien) for this year! my nieces came along to help. they simply love the packing and are quite expert in it. in time to come, i hope they will be able to cook the ingredients too! the thought of being able to share the recipe and transfer this know-how to the next generation really thrills me! preserving part of my culture and heritage! nonya bak chang! this year, i think we must have packed close to 200 bak changs!

also, this time round, i did several new things. they include - cooking the rice together with pandan leaves to improve the aroma of the rice, using sesame oil to cook the rice, and of course, photographing the whole bak chang making process. hopefully, the photographs will help my nieces visualize and better learn the cooking process sometime!

:-)

bak chang again

this is the bak chang season again and this year, i will be making 4kg of rice. that should be about close to 200 dumplings. anyway, have cooked the meat this whole afternoon and have also updated my recipe! will work on the rice tomorrow and start the wrapping.

think it's gonna take me a whole day! but, i am enjoying every bits of it!

:-)

hospital

dad was discharged today after 3 days in hospital. was informed to pick him up in the morning. before his discharge, the doctor informed me that he has a growth in his liver and that this growth seemed malignant, i.e, cancerous. anyway, given his age and his liver condition, he will not be suitable to undergo an op. instead, the doctor suggested doing a local incision and inserting a tube to his liver where they will try to suture the artery that supplies blood to the cancerous areas. in doing so, they hope to be able to kill the cells. success rate not very clear but that seemed to be one of the only way available for him. even then, i was told, it would be quite a tricky thing considering my dad's kidneys are also failing...

to go back as an outpatient and to discuss further this option in 2 week's time.

frankly, i took this news very calmly. rather numbed i must say of all these news, be it for myself, my mum or my dad. just take it in a matter of fact manner. will wait and see...

more fishes

5 out of the 8 oranda goldfishes bee bee and i bought had died. this happened when my dad, at the spur of the moment, decided that he should save electricity for me, and switched off the water pump. when i returned from work some 6 hours later, 5 of them were already lifeless and floating. the other 3 were almost dead and were struggling for air, and swimming upside down. managed to start the pump and saved them. that was about 2.5 weeks back.

today, decided that the time is ripe to top up the fishes again and decided to get 1 red goldfish (oranda) (this is to top up the remaining 3 to 4), 4 white goldfishes and 4 black goldfishes. so, in all, i now have 12 goldfishes :-) and they look very happy and lively. and no, i was not too perturbed about the 4-4-4 combination. most important, they look nice. very nice :-)

and i am sure my dad would never ever dare touch my fish tank again!

kung fu panda

i simply loved this show. amazing animation. and for the first time after goodness knows when, i laughed till my tummy ached!

:-)

sex n the city

watched sex and the city: the movie (the hbo website) last evening. bee bee really enjoyed it. guessed he found it refreshing and rather liberating. for me, having watched and followed the series some years back when i was in states, i found the show very `sitcomy' and the storyline kinda expected, somewhat cinderella-like, very `and they lived happily ever after', very cliche. no big deal. really. nonetheless, it was fun. it was entertaining. it was a nice wrap-up to the series. and it certainly brought back a lot of memories of the times i spent in florida and new york city. thinking aloud, i think the title should be changed to sexless in the city...

and oh... it would be real nice if someone start a new series called dante's peak... you know what i mean... hmmmm... lol!

:-)

phuket 2008

nouns
airport, aeroplane, partner, lover, boyfriend, andaman beach suites, welcome signs, tv shows, national geographic, cartoon networks, breakfast, omelette, danish, ham, pancakes, maple syrup, orange juice, bee hoon, fried rice, ugly indian couple who argued with hotel staff to get free breakfast and then pile their plates like mount everest, library, patong, tee shirts, indian shops, tudung-clad women, caps, sarongs, bang la street, drag queens, gay men, cute doggie, thai food, phad thai, tom yam koong, tom yum plaa, grilled prawns, morning glory aka kangkong, seafood, italian food, pizza, fettucine, white wine, chang beer, cocktails, peanuts, thai desserts, stale durians, rain, phuket royal marina, sea sick pills, tour guide lek, sponsored flippers, snorkels, koh phi phi, koh phi phi lay, koh phi phi don, koh khai nok, umbrellas, another ugly rude indian couple who quarrel with tour guide, smoke on boat and bitch about buffet lunch, corals, parrot fishes, urchins, sponges, beaches, suntan, fruits, pineapple biscuits, tsunami signs, bakery, shopping, sports shops, foot massage, ice creams, swensens, haagen dasz, rude immigration officers, silkair 

adjectives
tiring, sleepy, surprised, fun, chaotic, expensive, exorbitant, shiok, bland, tasty, chao sng (stale), irritated, relaxing, exciting, new, sexual, restful, refreshing, refreshed

verbs
sleeping, reading, listening, eating, walking, shopping, swimming, suntanning, lazing, looking, seeing, cruising, snorkeling, island hopping

:-)

cultural insensitivity

a friend forwarded me a review featured in financial times. it is about the author's experience in china and how he sensemake the current reality of china and it's boom. apparently, he couldn't make sense of how shops in his country could afford to sell 5-pack underwears for nz$10 each and how he sets off this journey to china to find out. simple straight forward review. but wat caught my eyes was the picture of the book that showed an underwear that had been photoshopped to look like the chinese national flag. i found it very offensive. and my first reaction was - these ang mos... totally oblivious of the taboos regarding underwears in the chinese culture and the sacred status the chinese accord their national flag.

well, won't be surprised if this is picked up by some chinese netizens and the issue become politicised. certainly hope not. but we'll see... if you ask me, it is no different from how some muslims get angry when their religion get depicted in a manner deemed disrespectful by muslims.

won't go home without you

there's been quite a few nice songs of late. decide to built up this list. for a start - won't go home without you by maroon 5. nice.

neighbour chronicles

found it very weird. well, it's abt our gay neighbours again. after all the tensions and the eventual acknowledgment, it's back to cold war. and this time round, i simply do not understand the sudden change in the behaviour.

you see, recently, i have noticed they were somehow kinda cold towards our presence. so, earlier this week, i suggested to bee bee to wave at them and try to make contact. he tried (waving to the younger of the two) but was not met with any response despite very clear indications that he saw the waving. thought this was so weird. so thinking that the younger one was shy, i tried a couple of days later waving at the older one. again no response. bee bee said that they are trying to avoid us but i found it hard to believe. and what i noticed today somehow made me believe bee bee.

returned from the arts fest performance. went to the kitchen to get a drink. the younger one came into their kitchen (that overlook into ours) and i noticed that once he saw me, he quickly walked back into his living room. cannot comprehend his reaction. felt a bit offended i must say. anyway, think i'll just screw the whole idea of wanting to get to know them. if it happens, it happens. if not, so be it.

ah soh goes to arts fest

was at the singapore river earlier with my nieces to watch the arts fest opening ceremony. it was thronged with people! the performance `water fools' was staged by a group of french street performers. by the time we reached there (about 8pm), it was already quite impossible to get a good unblocked view of the water stage.

anyway, the performance started and for a long while nobody knew what was happening. as we were standing on the parliament house side of the river, we had the spotlights shining directly into our eyes... so it wasn't surprising that people started getting agitated and babies started crying and la la la... not a very pleasant experience at all. anyway, we quickly changed our spot and made our way closer to the indo chine restaurant area where we could get a better view of the performance. it was here that we experienced some interesting stuff...

halfway through the performance, the ah soh standing beside me started talking to her daughter... and she said - aiyah, mm zhai kuah see mi la... (terrible, i do not know what the f&#^*&^ i am watching). and she soon left. not long after, an indian tourist family (from india of course) came along and took the ah soh's spot... they seemed engrossed in the performance. about 15min later, the husband asked another stranger (a well groomed tai tai) standing beside him (in very strong yyindian accent) - eh... excuse me, i have been vatching for a vhile but i do not understand vhat is happening... can you help explain to me?... equally interesting was the reply - ah... i oso donno lei... the whole episode was rather funny. and of cos yours truly me kept most quiet as i did not want to end up having the husband asking me the same question... cos i also didn't know what was happening!

but well, as per all singaporeans, everybody started cheering and shouting when the fireworks came on and the evening ended with everybody feeling happy. not becos of the performance. but becos of the fireworks.

:-)

unruly jap tourists

brought my nieces out for dinner earlier at central. thought the ramen was nice and that i should brfing them there to try. glad they enjoyed it. and after that we went for a walk around the clarke quay area. it was one japanese shop after another and they were rather intrigue by the fact that we actually have a couple of japanese supermarkets there... of which the one at novotel was the biggest.

in the supermarket, we chanced upon a group of 15-20 japanese school boys - no more than 15 or 16 years old. think they were on a school field trip of sorts. the way they behaved... it was so bloody thuggish. they were literally running around the supermarket, creating a din, talking loudly, chasing each other around the supermarket at times. this was made worst by their `hip-hop gone wrong sloppy dressing' coupled with long messy wiry hair... anyway, i could sense my nieces' discomfort with these people. to ease their tension, i asked them about their views of these school boys. they were quick to point out very politely that they were `so different' from singapore school boys and admitted that they were rather intimidated by their presence and unruly behaviour.

perhaps it was a cultural thing or perhaps it was just pure manners (or the lack of it) that kinda pissed people off. could see that many people were staring at the school boys... locals and japanese expats alike... then again, i guessed they were just living their age. anyway, we quickly left the place and made our way to singapore river to watch the arts fest performance.

selling waffles

was at the expo earlier to help bee bee and ice cream james sell waffles. they have manage to secure a lot at the food fair there and it was certainly an interesting experience for me. interesting cos the last time i did any such sales was when i was waiting for my enlistment into ns when i helped my uncle run his chup huay tiam at marine drive beside liberty theatre (omg! that was like 23 years ago!)... i remembered selling drinks and kwa chee and lots of other kiam sng tee (preserved pickled fruits) to people watching shows at liberty. and how i had helped my uncle wrap hampers for sale, la la la... well, that would be another story...

ok, back to expo. i was helping out at the store by scooping chocolate. straight forward and brainless task. but it was really interesting as there were so many people. and of cos, my gaydar was working overtime too! there were sprinkling of gaymen here and there and once a while, it was rather obvious to see them come up to the store, hand around, pretend to look at waffles... buy one or two... and all the while keep staring at bee bee :-) and oh, managed to meet a couple of my long lost friends too - both straight and aj ones.

and there is one thing i conclude - altho frontline job is very fun and you get to meet lots and lots of people, i do not think it is something i would like to pursue in the long term. perhaps, if i should ever go into business, i'll probably enjoy managing the business more than being at the frontline.

goldfishes

bought 8 goldfishes this morning from the market with bee. starting an aquarium in the home. it's been more than 25 years since i last kept goldfishes. used to do it when i was in sec 1 and 2. remembered keeping 2 goldfishes. had them when they were no more than 3cm long and over 2 years plus, they grew to a huge 10cm pluse size. and they were really fat too!

starting a new aquarium does bring back a lot of memories!

let's see if i should give them names... ha! anyway, after putting the fishes into the aquarium, i noted that sapphie didn't seemed to be able to see them... her expression is no different from when she looks into the tv screen or when she looks into a mirror, i.e. blank... always wonder if dogs can see through glasses...

:-)

indie

very entertaining show. but somehow it lacked the special `indie' feel so characteristic of those earlier versions. nonetheless, i enjoyed it.

:-)

tgif

not too sure why, despite this short 4-day week, i still feel so exhausted. and i am so glad friday is finally here! promised myself i am going to really enjoy myself this weekend. must catch a couple of shows...

racist post

read the post by this person who called himself fragrance prince (yes - !!!). professed to be straight but to people in the know, he is a real screaming queen. anyway, i felt rather angry after reading his superbly incendiary (i chose to use this term as it burns!) posts about malays and also his very low posts about people he doesn't like. reflects more on him than the subjects of his posts.

same as many other netizens, i felt agitated and angered by his posts. by his attitude that really screams character flaw, i also sensed that as a community, there is a heightened degree of solidarity. a higher degree of awareness of the sensitivity and perhaps (this, i am not too sure) a higher degree of acceptance and respect. and all the blogs that i visit that condemns such blogs are mostly from chinese singaporeans. and i really think these are signs of the society maturing.

looking at it from this angle, i see promise in the future of the society. it is a good sign.

:-)

graduation interview

got a call from nie earlier on telling me that they have scheduled an interview for me in the first week of june as part of my graduation. well, shall not say too much abt it except that this is something i did not expect totally and if i do get it, it will really be an icing on top of the cake.

let's see how things goes. nothing to lose anyway.

:-)

three steps & a bow

been observing the three steps one bow observance ceremony for the last 17-18 years or so for vesak at the bright hill temple. made a commitment to myself that i would do this on a regular basis if i do well for my undergrad degree in 1990/91. and i have been participating in this ever since. it requires one to take three steps, prostrates on the ground and the process was repeated as one walks around the perimeter of the temple. at the end of the procession, devotees would come face to face with a statue of the buddha that serves to remind them of his teachings. a monk would also be present to sprinkle holy water onto devotees as a form of blessing. in all, the process would take about 2 - 2.5 hours. during the process, one would chant the sutra. the repetitive nature of the steps and bows somehow help one focus on specific thoughts. this also helps one enter into a meditative state and one would naturally feel a lot clearer in thoughts by the end of the whole ceremony. there was once or twice in previous years where i felt so overwhelmed i almost burst into tears when i saw the buddha at the end of the 2.5hrs.

this year, it was also kinda fun cos apart from bee, we had a group of friends with us. both schneider and damien were there and so was kok leong, his sister and his niece. and as usual the place had quite a few gay men and the whole atmosphere was kinda interesting - somewhat religious and yet within this religiosity was the cruisy feel. ya, i know, sacrilegious. but well, that had been the case especially in recent years. perhaps, next year, i should organize a gay contingent! heh... and yes this year, as per every year, there was a lot of little tidbits that made the whole event interesting. these include...

• there was this auntie that keeps kicking into people when she prostrate and often you'll hear her utter 'oh, sorry sorry...' and then she would take the three steps, and as she prostrate, she would again go 'oh, sorry sorry...' funny...

• also, there would be the usual singaporean auntie behaviour of wanting to push forward - either by taking super huge 3 steps or taking 4, 5, 6 or even 7, 8 steps, so that they can reach end point first. sometimes, these aunties really look funny as they remind me of the road runner - beep beep!!!.... we were joking that perhaps there was a lucky draw or a goodie bag at the end to grab and she didn't want to loose out.

• there was also the usual squeeze (like an accordion) where at certain stretches, one could not possibly prostrate becos everyone would squeeze together. this would happen whenever there was a bend or when there was an uphill that forces people at the base of the slope to slow down and end up squeezing people behind.
  

• there was also the occasional incidents that would break one's meditative state of mind such as little boys who would play catching and run in between devotees, aunties in subsequent groups talking and laughing at the top of the voice while waiting for the procession to start.

• and of cos to top it off, after prostrating for so many umpteen times, everyone's t-shirts would be stretched upwards and it was really butt-crack galore! i would probably the last person on this planet to achieve nirvana as i couldn't help but noticed butt-cracks all over! some were really such a turn off! and for some, you can literally throw coins into it like you would a donation box!

well, we eventually ended at about 2.30am and by the time we got home and retire, it was close to 4am... one more down. looking forward to next year's event. and oh, am really thinking if i should get baptized into buddhism. been thinking for the past many many years but somehow did not get about doing it.

pseudonyms

i remember blogging abt pseudonyms sometime back in my fridae account. anyway, pseudonyms are something that most of us use in order to mask our real self, for whatever reasons - protect ourselves, protect our family, protect... whatever. even i myself have used another name for myself, and on top of that, adopt a pseudo-persona... well, ok, for me, not a pseudo-persona per se. but rather, a persona of my own self, but 5 years back in time. you see, growing up gay was not easy. and up till when i came out at age 30, i had hung around at gay cruising places and would introduce myself as terence and in order not to lie (it's against my value system i guess), terence would be me, me as in the me that lived 5 years earlier. and it was all true. but in a way, i was also living a dual life. something that i had to juggle between my day `straight' self and my night gay self. after coming out at 30, i started to use my own name when i introduce myself. enough of living a dual life.

anyway, one key reason why i am reflecting on all these was becos i had recently got to know a friend during my weekly tanning sessions. i had seen him, and he me, for a very long time. and somehow, we never spoke. on my part, it was just not me to speak to strangers. not to mention speaking to someone at that tanning place. feels kinda weird, kinda dodgy... well... anyway, recently, i decided that i had enough of it and decided that i should try to make a friend out of him. well... he introduced himself as ryan. we exchanged numbers and had since smsed each other once a while. and ryan became my friend. and ryan he was. until today.

met ryan again yesterday and we had a very good chat. we chatted about life, about views of life... about things in general. and somehow the topic drifted to bfs. through the conversation, found out that his bf is in the same line as my bee. i was curious to know more of him. thought he was a very nice person and very easy to talk to. but decided not to push further. anyway today, found out that his bf also knows a good friend of ours. our conversation through the sms led him to eventually reveal his real name to me. and he apologized to me. hoping that i wouldn't take offense. for a short while, i realized that this friend, whom i have come to be able to chat so well with has all along been only a pseudo-friend. not a real friend.

i had quite a few thoughts about this whole issue. i understood why he had used a pseudonym. no, i didn't feel offended. i am sure he had his reasons for using another name. just like i did many years back. and in fact, i felt kinda glad. glad that i had won his trust to share his real name with me. and very happy that i had finally made a real friend. and that i can get to know more of this real person in time to come.

:-)

discharged

my dad had just been discharged. cgh never fail to amaze me with their superbly high levels of inefficiencies when it comes to discharging patients. as usual, was told to pick my dad up at 12pm. expected things to be delayed and went there at about 12.45pm.

in the end, he did not get discharged until 3plus! anyway, i had half expected it, considering i had once waited till close to 4pm. unlike the last experience, i was not impatient nor angry this time round. so i hung around the nurse's station and stare at her (let's call her nurse cheena - yup, she's from china) as she went about her paper work (she actually looked very busy but on closer look she was merely sticking those patient names that had been printed onto stickers onto the hospital blank forms and some basic filing). well... she went about her work as tho nothing was wrong. occasionally, she would look up and would notice my stares. by about 2.15pm, she told me that the discharge documents should be ready by 2.30pm. 2.30 pm came and went... nothing happened. and at about 2.45pm another nurse ran into the ward and asked whether my dad had been discharge, to which nurse cheena replied - aiyah, they still doing the document la. and she continued with her sticking & filing.

i then walked to the admin station and look around the table. true enough, i noted that my dad's file was there. i suspect it had been there for quick a while for it was at the bottom of the pile. really thought that things would have moved faster if the person who left the file there had called nurse cheena! such simple logic and a well established hospital like cgh cannot even get it right! think about it, even the zi char stores has the process of prompting the servers sorted out so well!

so, i stood there and waited to see how long it would be before nurse cheena comes along. i think nurse cheena sensed my movement for she came up to the admin station at about 3pm. nurse cheena looked at me, saw me staring at my dad's file, hurriedly took it and then went to the room (presumably to ensure all the documents had been filed properly) and within 10mins called me.

all in all, the discharge process took less than 5min.

such inefficiencies... seemed like cgh is well known for it, judging the response i get from people i know who had had their kins stayed there before.

botak again, naturally

went for my hair cut just now. my regular hair dresser was on leave today. so decided to get the salon owner to cut for me. not my favourite cos she lacks the detailedness in her cutting skills. true enough, i walked out of the saloon with a jagged outline head! angry. happened before and had expected it to happen. true enough. anyway, spared no time coming home and using my own hair cutter to smoothen out things. i definitely look better now.

well, feels so good being botak now... after the many days of sticky and messy hair. certainly a refreshing change and definitely more cooling feel too!

:-)

botak

every year nearing vesak, i would cut my hair short. well, not the usual short, i mean, short, short... near bald-short. and i cut my hair short becos it's a personal commitment. it is symbolic and a way to show my commitment to renounce worldly desires... and every time after cutting my hair, i would think i look really weird. and i get conscious of my own looks when i face people. i would imagine people staring at me. it was an awkward feeling. and my thoughts would be reinforced and made worst when friends and colleagues actually come up to me and ask `what happened?'. not very nice.

so every year when vesak day draws close, i would look at my hair and wonder if should cut it. and just like a drill, i would reflect on it and tell myself that the fact that i am asking abt it shows the vanity in me and this in itself is against the buddhist principle of non-attachment. and when i think it this way, i get even more resolved to want to cut my hair. and as for being able to fully renounce worldly desires, hmmmm.... a long, very very long way for me to be able to truly achieve it. but, it's a start.

and yes, the devil and angel in me is again debating about about cutting my hair again these few days.

:-)

5.30pm & 8.00pm

whenever i use a time as my blog title, it means my dad has had a fall again. and yes, today, he fell down twice. my mum only called me at abt 7.50pm to tell me he had a fall earlier and that he still felt giddy. she had to cut short her conversation with me as my dad had called out to her to assist him to the toilet. i was then on my way home after fetching bee. and when i called her again, she told me he had fallen down again. this time round, he couldn't get and she only managed to pull him up to sit by the bed.

i decided that i should call the ambulance.

when i reached home, the ambulance had arrived and that the medics were trying to stabilize him. they had found his blood sugar level extremely low and was feeding him with some sugar-rich drinks. he was subsequently evacuated to the hospital and has since been warded for further observations.

caricature

this was sketched by my sister jin :-)

5 cents

went to my usual hum-chin-paeng beh-huay-chi (butterfly) store this morning. bought 2 fritters and paid using coins. amongst the coins were 6 x 5 cents. the lady owner shouted out to me and told me she would only accept at max 2 x 5 cents coins. i asked her why... for 5 cents is still money, legal tender. and she told me, ya, no doubt, but there are many people out there who certainly do not see the 5 cent coins as money and would not accept them, even as loose change. she went to to say that these people are weird and unreasonable.

and there i was, thinking... half wanting to laugh... for with that one statement, she has also branded herself weird and unreasonable. ah well...

let's play

recieved this email from a friend about a new video produced to promote sports amongst singaporeans. message of this effort seemed to be something about `you don't have to play sports to enjoy it'. and i must say that altho it was produced from a sports angle, such clips often has pulls one's heartstrings and strengthens one's pride as a singaporean... well, at least for me...

overall, a good production altho i must say it seemed rather surreal to see uncles jumping and waving t-shirts like some teenagers at coffee shops. it kinda miss the point altogether when one realise that the possible reason why uncles are jumping for joy is becos they have betted on the game... (read - promote gambling as a lifestyle)

i also like the way they package the production. but i am still wondering how the let's play theme is linked to `one does not need to play sports to enjoy it'. esp if it is to be linked (presumably) to healthy living... one can be a couch potato and watch football and enjoy it rite? :-) so much for sporting for life...

ok, ok... i have read too much into it... but well, perhaps i am a bit too critical or have nothing better to do...

time to loosen up and go play :-)

withdrawal syndrome

been two days since i released tortoise. and till now, whenever i open the kitchen door, sapphie would still run to the corner where tortoise used to hide and search for it. and after sniffing the corner for a while, she would whine a bit before making her way back to her pillow in the living room.

think sapphie misses tortoise.

interesting to see this little behaviour change in her!

releasing tortoise

finally released tortoise. decided to release it into the pond at the tanah merah industrial park. it was a rather huge pond and has a a good population of tortoises there. when i dropped tortoise into the pond, it took to the water like a fish, dived into it and swam off. moments later, tortoise surfaced, stared at me for a couple of seconds and dived into the algae-rich water again. soon enough, tortoise was swimming around with one other tortoise (about the same size...)

glad that tortoise has company now. then again, for a split moment, i wondered if they were of the same gender... hahahaha!

ent appointment

cleared of my nose problem this morning. had the scope inserted into my nose to check my sinus. told it was ok. everything is fine. case closed.

for now.

sleepless

had a bad night. sleepless. perhaps it was cos i was not feeling too good. made worst by my aching body after my physio. felt feverish. body was radiating heat. and whenever i doze off, i had nightmares.