the following is an email i sent to my 2nd sis. i have slightly amended it after reading it again to make the flow better and i want to capture it here cos i want to capture my own thoughts as i think it might be relevant to myself or to people who are facing the same issues. she has, yet again, faced challenges in bringing up her children and again, i sensed her getting into the self-blame mode... to those who has the habit to self-blame. don't... read on.
somethings i wanna share with you that you wanna really reflect upon. i noticed you have a habit to self-blame. but i think it is dangerous and self-destructive. not useful and totally draining. why not try to divert all negative developments in your life as a source of life's feedback to reflect and to learn from. these are very powerful events that carries with it huge amounts of energy. but you need to channel the energy to the right place - do it positively and it will strengthen you more over time. when you see things happen negatively, use it to reflect and see how you can improve. turn it into positive energy. don't turn it into self-blame and wallow. life is too short to wallow. do it too often and it manifests itself into your own health problems. life is about attitude.
the following are something points that i want to also share after i see your trends in self-blame over the last 2 years. and often it relates to how you see yourself as a failure in trying things... pse don't do that. in life, the only thing you should regret about is not trying. when you try and don't see results, it can only mean 2 things - that the time has not ripen for the results to show; or that your methods need to be reviewed. if this is so, it only mean you have to learn from it, adjust your methods, and move on.
also, all things done with the right intention is never wrong. you may feel you have failed and did not see the results now, but trust me, the efforts will be understood in time to come. when your children have children of their own, they will definitely understand the efforts you have put in and appreciate you for what you did. to put things in perspective, did you ever think about how mum felt when you went about your ways when you were young? of cos i am sure you'd say you did not do things wrong. but trust me, we all have done things which we were sure was right although mum didn't approve of but she learned to take it. i can straight away cite examples - doing bible studies, having noisy birthday parties, not wanting to participate in ancestor worship... these are things that defines mum's beliefs but we probably did not agree and in our own ways rebel. the thing is, mum and us have our own beliefs and we define things differently from mum. was mum frustrated? was mum mad? did we not drive her crazy? i am sure we did. but we still do it rite? and now that we are older and more mature, do we not see things differently?
as a continuation of the point above, i think ultimately, mum let go. she let go cos i suspected she gave up trying to force us to see things her way. in doing so, did we go astray? i choose to think we abide by certain values. and i am sure your kids are doing the same. they are learning how to manage their lives. give them a chance. sometimes, they may make mistakes, but they learn. you need to let go. give them the space to explore. your role as a parent of a late teen/ young adult kids is to give them space to explore but to provide them with a safe haven only when they need it. they will come back to help if they need it. give them the space. in doing so, you are also doing yourself a favour.
these are some things i want to share. please see it as a constructive feedback and something to reflect on. you may want to also read this article about choices: http://www.motivateus.com/stories/stephen-covey.htm. remember, everything you want to be or you want to do starts with you. you have the choice.
regards.
somethings i wanna share with you that you wanna really reflect upon. i noticed you have a habit to self-blame. but i think it is dangerous and self-destructive. not useful and totally draining. why not try to divert all negative developments in your life as a source of life's feedback to reflect and to learn from. these are very powerful events that carries with it huge amounts of energy. but you need to channel the energy to the right place - do it positively and it will strengthen you more over time. when you see things happen negatively, use it to reflect and see how you can improve. turn it into positive energy. don't turn it into self-blame and wallow. life is too short to wallow. do it too often and it manifests itself into your own health problems. life is about attitude.
the following are something points that i want to also share after i see your trends in self-blame over the last 2 years. and often it relates to how you see yourself as a failure in trying things... pse don't do that. in life, the only thing you should regret about is not trying. when you try and don't see results, it can only mean 2 things - that the time has not ripen for the results to show; or that your methods need to be reviewed. if this is so, it only mean you have to learn from it, adjust your methods, and move on.
also, all things done with the right intention is never wrong. you may feel you have failed and did not see the results now, but trust me, the efforts will be understood in time to come. when your children have children of their own, they will definitely understand the efforts you have put in and appreciate you for what you did. to put things in perspective, did you ever think about how mum felt when you went about your ways when you were young? of cos i am sure you'd say you did not do things wrong. but trust me, we all have done things which we were sure was right although mum didn't approve of but she learned to take it. i can straight away cite examples - doing bible studies, having noisy birthday parties, not wanting to participate in ancestor worship... these are things that defines mum's beliefs but we probably did not agree and in our own ways rebel. the thing is, mum and us have our own beliefs and we define things differently from mum. was mum frustrated? was mum mad? did we not drive her crazy? i am sure we did. but we still do it rite? and now that we are older and more mature, do we not see things differently?
as a continuation of the point above, i think ultimately, mum let go. she let go cos i suspected she gave up trying to force us to see things her way. in doing so, did we go astray? i choose to think we abide by certain values. and i am sure your kids are doing the same. they are learning how to manage their lives. give them a chance. sometimes, they may make mistakes, but they learn. you need to let go. give them the space to explore. your role as a parent of a late teen/ young adult kids is to give them space to explore but to provide them with a safe haven only when they need it. they will come back to help if they need it. give them the space. in doing so, you are also doing yourself a favour.
these are some things i want to share. please see it as a constructive feedback and something to reflect on. you may want to also read this article about choices: http://www.motivateus.com/stories/stephen-covey.htm. remember, everything you want to be or you want to do starts with you. you have the choice.
regards.
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