day 2 - the wake starts

that night, i had to ensure i prepared all the stuff needed for her before i could sleep. had to look for her photo, her dentures, a few set of clothes, her prayer beads, etc... and i selected a pair of very nice sandals, sarong, and blouse for her. apart from the sarong, the rest were selected by her when i brought her out shopping. we got the blouse from marks and spencer and the sandals from chinatown point. and to top it off, i brought along a pair of very nice ear rings. sapphire blue and surrounded by diamonds (costume jewellery, of cos). she'd look very beautiful in these, i thought. 

for chinese, a typical wake would last 3, 5 or 7 days. i decided that mum's wake would last 5 days. the day of the passing was considered day 1 and since she passed away in the evening, technically, one day had already passed. this meant the actual wake would only last 3 days (excluding the day of the funeral). this arrangement worked for me simply because it would allowed me to balance the time for a proper funeral and the time for people we know to visit.

day 2 started early for us. i barely slept the night before, i was exhausted, but i couldn't sleep. tossed and turned through the night and at most managed to catch no more than 1.5 - 2 hours of sleep. but it didn't matter. i was in a mechanical mode and i simply operated like a robot. as briefed the night before, i met the embalmers at 8 with my brother, handed over the clothes and whatever we felt necessary to be placed in the coffin (for mum), headed to the canteen for a quick coffee as we waited for mum to be prepared. i had asked my sisters and their family to arrive by 8.45am, in time to witness the closing of the coffin.

it was about 9am when all was ready and the coffin was brought into the hall. we were all led to take a look at the body before they closed it. it was an emotional moment. i was glad mum looked good. the embalmers had done a good job. they had applied the lipstick i provided that morning and they had combed her hair nicely. thankfully, i had dyed her hair just 3 weeks back and given her a nice hair cut. mum was dressed in her black buddhist robe. the clothes i had brought along for her was not visible but it didn't matter. her body was also wrapped by a blanket with some words that looked like buddhist scriptures. and on her lips, a pearl was placed. after we said our farewells, the monk did some prayers and the coffin was closed. we stood quietly in front of the altar as the monk chanted. and as he did so, my nephew started to cry. i supposed the solemnness of the event overwhelmed him. i had to carry him to calm him down. when all the prayers was done, we were told to look away when they closed the coffin. 

more prayers were said and i was made to repeat some phrases read by the funeral co-ordinator. i had to stop a couple of time as i choked and cried. i supposed this was rather common for the funeral co-ordinator slowed down and gave me to space to get myself composed before he continued. with the prayers completed and done, the funeral parlour representative sat me down and ran through all the things i needed to do daily - make sure you buy vegetarian food for the morning, place a cup of beverage, light the joss stick, light the oil lamp, etc... all these need to be done by 9am daily. and you can only eat after making the offerings to your mum, out of respect, he said. repeat the same in the evening. make a new set of vegetarian offerings before 6pm. etc etc etc... all these to be done by 6pm. i noted all these points down. nothing could be missed, i was reminded. and once done, we were all set for the wake proper.

as there was nothing much to be done, my sisters and their family went home to rest and my brother went off to catch up with some admin, send the maid home to wash up and to bring sapphie to the funeral parlour. and in no time, my ex-boss arrived. she dragged me out for lunch and it was then that i realised i had not eaten anything for the last 24hours. i didn't feel hungry but my boss insisted i eat something. she wanted to get me away from the wake location to give me a mental break. that was indeed a good one as she chatted and got me to talk. the rest of the day was a blur. people started streaming non-stop. mostly they were my friends and colleagues. all of us were kept busy. and of cos, sapphie too was kept busy as she enjoyed the company of so many people. the last guest left close to 11.30pm before we closed the parlour.

once home, i had to do the accounting, wash up, etc... and by the time i was ready to sleep, it was close to 1am. i felt totally drained by then. and once again, i couldn't sleep through the night...

day 1 - when death visited us

the doctor updated us that based on the ecg results, the time of death would be recorded as 7.05pm. she then stepped aside, expressed her deepest condolences and left us to grieve. for me, after a moment, i went into my mechanical mode. much as i grief, i needed to ensure things are in order, family was prepared and that relationships were managed.

while the hospital staff were sensitive to our tender moments at the time of the passing, i was the one who's moving around ensuring things were managed well. first and foremost was to provide the space for everyone to grieve. i walked aside to allow my brother and his family, and the neighbour to bid their farewells. i made my way to the nurse to get them to prepare the death documentation so that i could head to the administration to get the official certificate. once done, i called the funeral to arrange for the funeral. they would send a co-ordinator to meet me at the hospital soonest, the staff said.

with all these needful done, i could only wait. and as i waited, my sisters arrived. i had brought my brother's family away to the rest area as i didn't want the kids to get traumatised/ afraid. for my eldest sis, she came, went to the bedside and cried quietly. as for my second sis (frankly, i could not recall which one arrived first), lo and behold, she wailed and cried and created quite a bit of commotion. i admitted that inwardly, i was a little sceptical about her strong reactions, considering she had full of excuses whenever i asked her to visit mum or to talk to her on the phone. but i decided to let it be. these are for her to manage and not for me to decide. i wondered for the moment if her strong reactions was a result of guilt. then again, i refrained from saying anything. everyone had to have their own closure and the least i could do was to keep quiet.

much as i myself was grieving, i avoided getting too near the bed. i didn't want to add to the commotion created by my second sis. while my nephew was too little to comprehend what had just happened, my niece was clearly uncomfortable. i used the opportunity to educate her about death and explained to her about life. death is a natural occurrence when a person gets old, and much as we celebrate birth, we must also accept death when it happens. i told her. she listened and nodded her head as i explained. and i repeated it again to make sure she understood and that my explanation made sense.

once the documents were done, i left the ward and headed to the accident & emergency department to register the death. the process was smooth and very sensitively handled. it didn't take too long but to me, i was in a state of daze and i teared occasionally as i waited. thankfully, having managed dad's demise, i knew what to expect. the doctor had indicated the cause of death as "pneumonia", something that i knew didn't reflect the whole picture but it didn't matter to me. with the death certificate issued, the admin staff returned my mum's identity card to me. a hole had been punched on the card, indicating that card had expired. with a heavy heart, i took the documents and headed back to the ward.

there was nothing much we could do at the ward except to wait for the funeral parlour representatives. as we waited, my nieces started to arrive, one by one. my nieces were never close to my mum in the first place and their presence was more out of courtesy than a need, i thought. then again, i refrained from making my thoughts explicit and gave each of them the space to do what they needed to do (grieve?). they took a quick look at mum and walked away to chat amongst themselves. as for mum's body, i had told the nurse i didn't want to put the body at the mortuary and so, as in my dad, they arranged for mum to be placed in the "last office" - a temporary room for dead patients before the body is removed. 

before they moved mum's body from her ward bed to the last office, the nurses drew the curtains of every single bed in the ward. the whole scene was rather surreal. the whole ward looked cold and quiet, very solemn. as it was visitation hour, there were many visitors but all kept quiet and stayed by the bed of the patients. i supposed it was the hospitals' practice so that the dead body is kept out of sight from existing patients and their guests. everyone in the family had their fair share of private times in the last office with mum. and as to be expected, it was an emotional moment for some of my family members, especially my brother. he stood by the bed and kept talking to my mum, urging her to go in peace as he reflected about her life to my neighbour who stood by quietly.

i didn't want to go near the body. much as i grief, i reminded myself that i needed to keep in control to manage the post-life affairs. i also wanted to minimise opportunities where i might lose control of myself. i simply walked in an out of the last office every few minutes to take a look at the body. by then, the body had cooled down and the face had turned a tat pale. everything seemed to come to a stand still as we waited for some time before the funeral parlour representatives arrived. soon, the mortuary porter arrived with a huge coffin-shaped metallic box. mum was eventually transferred into the box and we made our way downstairs to hand the body over to the funeral parlour.

that was about slightly pass 10pm. after verifying that the body was that of my mum's, i formally took over the body from the hospital staff and handed it over to the funeral parlour undertakers. we were told to wait for the representative inside the building when they loaded the body into the van. it was taboo to watch them do so apparently. the funeral arrangements were all made outside the mortuary and by the time we left, it was close to 11pm. i started texting my closer friends about mum's demise and informed my boss about the passing. by the time i packed what i needed to pack to dress mum up and to prepare for the wake, it was closely to 1.30am. i was exhausted but i didn't sleep, i couldn't.

and she goes...

since her discharge from the hospital she'd been sleepy and groggy through the day. and at night, she'd cough non-stop through the night. i supposed that affected her rest at night and made her sleepy in the day for most of the time, she couldn't keep herself awake. this was rather unusual as i noted she was rather lively when in the ward. things did not seem right and i decided to keep her at home instead of sending her to the rehab center monday morning. took me a while to convince her to rest at home as she kept saying the rehab center manager will be unhappy if she didn't attend the activities. after some coaxing, she agreed to rest at home and i bade her farewell when i left for work. i promised to return home with lunch as she bade me goodbye sleepily.

was at work and conducting a briefing when i noted 3 missed calls at 1015am from my mum's phone. 1010am was the last missed call. i returned the call to hear my maid panicking and telling me mum was very breathless and that she didn't know how to manage. i dropped everything and rushed home. i called the ambulance and informed my brother as i headed home. something told me it would be serious this time round.

once home, i found her sitting on the toilet floor and the maid trying hard to clean her up. she was semi-conscious and had vomited all over the toilet floor. i managed to calm the maid down and gave mum a change of clothing. as we did so, the ambulance arrived and the staff quickly evacuated her to the hospital. that was about 10.55am. she was quickly send in for resuscitation. once the ambulance arrived at the hospital. not too long later, the doctor came out and asked for some details about her medical history and the events that led to the morning. he updated me that things did not seem optimistic and that she's very ill. sensing the gravity of the situation, i told him that we would not want any invasive treatment such as intubation should her condition deteriorate. the doctor was surprised by my seemingly in-depth knowledge of the treatment options and asked if i was in the medical profession. no, i said, these are things i picked up from the years of looking after her. the doctor told me she couldn't be transferred to the usual hospital that she got her treatment as hers was a emergency case and that she's very ill. he added that blood tests showed that her kidney deteriorated significantly over the last 6 days and was functioning at 5% of a normal healthy kidney at that moment. the blood potassium was 7 times higher than normal and that he'd give her some injection to try to bring her potassium level down. i understood and asked him to do whatever he could. she needed to be warded he said and i asked that she be placed in a "c" class ward.

by then my brother had arrived. there was nothing much he could do except to wait. after updating him with the situation, he said his preference would be to put mum through dialysis. he added that his friend survived kidney failure after going through dialysis. he said he wanted mum to be able to at least survived a few more months to allow him to resign and look after her (that was his work-related plan). i felt uneasy with this input as invasive treatment was something we had agreed a couple of time previously that mum did not want to go through. but to manage him, i agreed to revisit the issue with the doctor although something in me told her she wouldn't last. nonetheless, for me, dialysis or otherwise, i still clung on to a little hope that the potassium level would drop from the injection. she was placed in the observation room as we waited for the ward to be prepared. when my mum was eventually transferred to the observation ward, he went in to see her and that, he kinda accept that there was not much we could do for her. it helped him come to terms with the finality of her life. i went in to see her after that, she could hardly manage her breathing. despite her confused state, she recognized me and told me she's feeling very breathless. i told her to rest and not to talk as it would make her more breathless. after calming her down, i told her her kidneys were damaged and that we were treating her with medicine. she simply nodded and kept still as she struggled with her breathing.

after arranging the ward and completing the admission administration, i left the maid with her and went back to office. there was nothing much i could do and i thought i might as head back to office to close whatever outstanding issues that needed my attention. i told myself i needed to be ready to drop everything and attend to the funeral if she should leave suddenly. i got at least 2 calls from the doctor through the afternoon. they kept asking if i wanted to put mum through dialysis and kept telling me that there was a chance the kidney might recover partially - 30-40% normal level, so they advised. i initially said no, but after two or three times of talking and saying that dialysis could help, i relented. ok, put her on dialysis but no further than that.

i was on my way out of office at about 5.30pm when i got a call from the senior doctor. has i spoke with him, i sensed he was concerned about my decision to put mum through dialysis. after explaining the full details to me, he acknowledged that his junior doctors should have better explained mums condition to me. he opined that there would be no benefit for her to go through dialysis. in fact, the procedure would be highly painful and traumatic for mum and it might just cause her heart to fail immediately. i agreed to retract my decision for the dialysis and let her be, that is also in line with her wishes. with this decision, the senior doctor adviced me that given her current condition, we should be mentally prepared for her to leave anytime soon.

not long later, my maid called. she sounded flustered as she said "sir, you better come, sir, ah ma very chuan (breathless)". i told her i was on my way but needed to bring the dog to pee first. i was calm, i was needed at the hospital, yet i needed to attend to my dog too. i reached the hospital at about 6.25pm to find mum barely conscious. her bed curtain was all drawn and when i saw her, she had vomit all over her clothes. the maid was trying to hold the nebulizer to her mouth and as she struggled to place the mouth piece onto my mum's mouth, her tears were flowing non-stop. i took a look at the spo2 level - 74% it registered. it's not good. with the nebulizer, it should be in the high 80s or 90s. i told the maid to remove the mouthpiece. the ventolin mix was finishing and she was still struggling to get every final drop into mum. to me, it was clear the end was near and it was futile doing all these. i went up to mum, held her hand and told her i had arrived. i am not sure if she could hear me, but she seemed a little more calm as i connected. i stroked her forehead and asked her to relax and simply held her hands. as all these happened, i noted that mum was not in the dangerously ill list,  this meant her visitors would be restricted to only 4. it's not right, she's seriously ill and they have not placed her on the dil. i got it changed immediately and after that, the nurses cleaned mum up and gave her a new set of clothing given that my family would be arriving soon. not too long after that, my brother arrived with his family and an old neighbour.

by about 6.55pm, mum was already unconscious. my brother went up to her and called her. she continued panting. it was then that he finally accepted that mum's time was near. my neighbour, who was a practicing nurse, suggested for my brother to tell mum to leave if she needed to and that she should not have any more worries. mum's panting slowed down, her face was calm and as she continued breathing. the doctor, who was doing her rounds, came up to us and explained mum's condition to us. we were looking at mum as the doctor explained. and in the midst of the explanation, mum took her last breath. her last two breath was very measured, very calm and she drifted away gently. the doctor quickly asked us to excuse her as she checked on mum. she said that mum's heart beat had stopped and that mum was not longer breathing. as a procedure and to determine the time of passing, she needed to do a final ecg.

as she did all these tests, i texted my sisters that mum had passed away.

r.i.p.

my mum passed away at 7.05pm today...

reflecting paris

terror struck paris yesterday. and it didn't feel good to read of the many lives lost. but admittedly, and on the other hand, i felt somewhat nonchalant about it. yup, its probably not right to say this, but i actually felt a little numbed by the frequent wanton killings by the terrorist. i can expect the usual condemning, outpouring of grieve, of condolences, of heightened security, etc in the days to come. and when things eventually calm down, life will go on. until... another mass killing occurs.

but for now, let's remember the victims of these attacks. that is the least we can do as individuals, given our inability to help in other ways. to me, this is not a religion-related war, no religion will accept killing of innocent lives so blatantly as what i had seen over the last few years. these are wars waged by idiots who abuse the teachings of islam for their own selfish benefits and executed by misguided individuals.

it is during times like this that bimbotic answers such as "world peace" given by contestants during miss universe pageants sound most meaningful.

sighs.

water logged

my condo manager came to the house last week and told me that the owner of the unit below mine had complained of water seepage into his unit via the ceiling. he showed me pictures of the wallpaper being warped and showed clear signs of water seeping into the walls. and so, we arranged for a contractor to take a look and to make an assessment of where the seepage is.

the contractor came yesterday and after doing some checks, concluded that the pipes leading to my bedroom toilet and possibly my guest toilets might be leaking. and to make things worst, these pipes are hidden in the walls. to correct it, i will either have to tear open the floor/ walls to trace the leakage or to do a diversion by cutting off water supply to the embedded pipes and instead install new pipes.

i opted for the latter. he will be sending me a quotation and we'll see how to move forward for this. apparently, the same exact thing happened for my kitchen sometime back and i had to spend some $3k-plus to install new pipes for my kitchen. looks like its gonna cost me a bomb again.

what to do right? the unit is already 18 years and i guess it is also time to start fixing wear and tears. 

flu

mum has 3 medical appointments next week. of these, 2 were newly arranged following her discharged from the hospital. i tried to get the hospital to collapse the appointments onto the same day but they couldn't.

while i have already made arrangements for the pre-arranged appointment, i found myself being caught in a fix for the other 2. while i could accommodate the one that falls on the friday, the other clashed with a full day training that i had to conduct. i texted my second sis for help and she replied that she's down with a cough and thus cannot assist. sighs. my first reaction was that of "sighs, again... whenever i need help, you'll have cough, or cold, or whatever. but you never seemed to fall sick when it comes to your work." i sounded a little sarcastic when i replied her that i myself had to manage mum when i am currently down with a serious bout of flu. and she replied (somewhat reluctantly) that "ok, i'll help".

not wanting to take her word, i texted my brother. he didn't reply but later the afternoon when i brought mum to his place, he said he will take leave to send her. my sis-in-law also volunteered to send my mum for the friday appointment. felt a little awkward to have to trouble her as she doesn't drive and has to take the mrt to the hospital, and to make things worst, she is from mainland china and doesn't really know how to navigate the local hospital system. 

i returned my sis's text in the evening telling her that my brother would assist. she tried calling me but i didn't want to talk to her. she texted me saying its better for her not to send mum as she's afraid she'll infect mum with her flu. well... give her the benefit of doubt. as i have always said, no expectations, no disappointment. and i say this precisely because of her consistent non-helpful replies - mostly about work, or sickness.

i take leave to bring mum for her medical appointments. and at this rate of things, my annual leave will be totally exhausted. may have to apply no-pay leave to bring mum for her medical appointments.

sighs.

in & out of hospital

mum complained of body aches on monday evening. and by tuesday morning, her condition deteriorated to the point where she couldn't really breath. she was wheezing terribly and highly confused. i had to activate an ambulance to evacuate her to the hospital.

she was warded on the spot. she was discharged on thursday night after two days of treatment with steroids and antibiotics. water overload, said the doctors. as the blood tests did not show any significant infection of her lungs, the doctors suspected it could be due to her weak heart. and she has since been scheduled for 3 appointments next week - for a review by the internal medicine consultant, a lung scan and a heart scan...

and as expected, the doctors increased her dosage of furosemide. sighs... that means, she will be constantly dehydrated again.

mc

and so this week, my flu eventually got the better of me. i was coughing violently, nose was all blocked and my throat was burning badly. the antibiotics that the doctor prescribed last week didn't help. i ended up visiting the doctor again and was given a stronger antibiotic as well as a change of my medication. to be on the safe side, the doctor also prescribed me with ventolin tablets to help me breath better...

and so, i was on mc on friday. am glad to say the new medication was quite good. things are clearing well. let's hope i am all good to go come monday. gonna be a long tedious week for me - 2 full days of training!

:-)

crowned

finally had my second crown fitted. with this crown completed, i now have 2 crowns and one implant in my mouth - and all on the left side. thing is - my right side, both the upper and lower jaw molars were the ones that got me to the dentist in the first place. and since i was there, i told the dentist about the sensitive molars on my left. and for some interesting reasons, i ended up with 2 crowns on my left side while i was asked to simply observe the right molars...

the treatment this time round was one helluva painful. for a start, i have two gigantic ulcers in my mouth and they hurt like crazy cos to treat my teeth, the dentist had to stretch my mouth open and naturally stretched the ulcer too... ouch! added to that, for some reasons, the dentist did not give me any injection but went ahead to pry off the temporary crown and started cleaning the exposed teeth before fitting it with the permanent crown. it was superbly sensitive... was totally drained when the whole procedure ended. but well, when i finally see the nice crown in place, i felt good.

and so, after one month, the treatment on my left side was finally completed. and the pain on my right side still lingers... hmmm... i shall give myself a couple of days (or perhaps a week or two), if the pain continue, i will head to the dentist again. for all i know, i might end up with 2 more crowns on my right side...

arghhh.... and it is creating a hole in my pocket!

:-)

goosebumps

caught the movie last weekend. nice brainless movie. good entertainment.

:-)

spectre

such typical james bond movie. intense, non-stop, adrenaline, engaged...

brought mum (and of cos, the maid) for the movie and they enjoyed it thoroughly.

sapphie is 15!

akashi

celebrated bee's 37th birthday at the akashi restaurant on monday.

been many years since i went there (2011) and it has not changed!

food was good. simple and freshly prepared.

very nice.

:-)

peaceful week

my boss had been on two weeks hospitalisation leave for a minor op. and it was two really good boss-less week for the whole department. everyone felt relax. work was still done without a hitch but everyone felt really good. but of cos, he had been clearing his work via his handphone and this remote way of running the department worked very well with us...

:-)

car servicing

time really passed really quickly. more than 7 months had crossed since i bought my car. and interestingly, this was probably the first time i actually did a servicing after the 6-month period cos all the time, i would have reached the mileage before the due date...

and well, as i serviced my car, i had the front two tyres replaced too. 

:-)

restful

the two days of mc was indeed restful, despite the fact that i was working throughout... heh heh...

well, as i had mentioned, i really needed the rest and i could feel the flu welling up in me. so i headed to see the doctor first thing monday morning. the doctor took a look and said i needed the rest and asked if i wanted one or two days. hmmm, what an interesting question right? of cos, i asked for two.

so my monday was half spend at the pool and half at the shopping centre, strolling and clearing my mind as i clear my work email from my iphone. and for the second day, i decided to send my car for its regular servicing. i brought my laptop along and spend the whole day doing my work as i waited for my car servicing to be done. it was indeed a really productive day. i would not have been able to complete what i did if i were at work, given the preoccupations with interacting with people and solving people's issues...

so... yeah, i was on mc technically but at work almost throughout the mc period. but yes, it was restful. and most importantly, to be able to do good work without worrying about having my boss look over me was certainly very good.

:-)

taking mc

i am taking mc tomorrow.

started coughing and throat is killing me. and i have at least 3 mouth ulcers that are growing. one created from the injections (from the dentist), and the other 2 on my tongue that simply appeared over the last couple of days.

let's hope i don't get a fever tomorrow.

doh!

i know your bf...

ok, firstly, things are not as rosy between us.

then i have a long time friend from the army who dropped a message to say, i spoke with your bf and asked him to say hi to you.

technically, there was nothing wrong with that. but when you consider you'd never introduced them to each other, you get kinda confused. in the first place, this army friend was not exactly one where i was really familiar with. and then, i have always had this tension about bee who is always secretive about who he interacts with... and then you get this message and the claim that in actual fact, he knew bee for many many years. and if it is true, why has bee not mentioned anything, and if it is not true, why is this friend making such a story.

so, i simply told my friend that unless he can confirm he knows who my bf is, i shall just ignore him and his message. and this friend refused to do so. so, i simply ignored him. simple as that.

feeling pissed off.

end of october!

am glad the longest month of the year is over. october, the month with no/ minimal public holidays, 31 days in all, and worst of all, in the middle of the financial year where everyone is kancheong (anxious) and where there are lots of stuff to handle. looking forward to deepavali and christmas!

... ooo, i love living in this multi-cultural environment. all things being equal, i get to have public holidays to rest regularly.

sick again?

i feel a bout of sickness coming.

been having terribly parched throat these couple of days, especially when i wake up in the morning. this, to me, is a clear sign of an impending flu. need to drown myself with water, herbal tea and vitamin c these few days! maybe i should take a day or two of mc to rest.

haha...

post-dental treatment thoughts

some quick thoughts about my visit to the dentist on friday...

firstly, i was reminded of how someone with stroke would feel when, after jabs of medicine for my crowning, i couldn't feel anything, taste anything, my saliva was flowing uncontrollably and i had to be extra careful not to bite myself when i ate... i was really mindful of everything i did. and admittedly, i felt fear for a short moment. fear of permanent nerve damage when the numbness didn't go off by about 8pm, 4 hours after the procedure. thankfully, it gradually wore off after that and by bedtime, my sense of touch was back to normal.

secondly, and perhaps in a rather morbid way, it occurred to me that my silver crown might be an issue next time when i die. from my experience when my dad passed on, the staff at the crematorium asked if there were any metallic parts in the body. it needed to be removed or he cannot be cremated, he said. so... damned! imagine needing to go for tooth extraction after i die... no fun! (then again no needles needed, mused dazza) lol!

i will be going back again to get the crowning completed in two weeks. as of today, the upper molar is still sensitive to cold water. but the lower tooth seemed ok. let's hope things improve over the next week or so.

:-)

rain...

heavy rain after prolonged dryness... time to check dog for ticks!

and i say this cos i have noticed sapphie scratching herself like crazy... and guess what? i found lots and lots of ticks on her! close to a hundred if my estimate is right. and worst of all, many of them were found on the edge of her nails... this is the most tender part of her body and she yelped when i pluck the ticks off one by one... poor girl. at such an advance age, she has to suffer such torture...

darn! time flies. it was just about the same time last year when i had to do the same.

!!!

50? 50!

during a casual chat with a colleague last week, the topic of age catching up with us came up. and when i told her i am 50, she said "hush! you are not even 49..." heh. i could understand her reaction cos she's a year older than me and refused to acknowledge her age. as for me, when i told her i was not bothered, and for that matter, had been telling people i am 50 since last year... she gave me that "you-must-be-crazy look". i explained that technically, using the lunar calendar, i was 49 last year and as chinese are pantang (superstitious) about -9s, i just round it up! hahha. she hissed at my response...

well, look here, fact that i have accepted and embrace the big 5, turning 50 is actually a non-event for me. for that matter, age has never been an issue with me. to me, i just enjoy my age, whatever year it might be. we only live once. age is a number. at times, we may grief over the lost of youth, on from another perspective, we should celebrate experience and wisdom!

agree?

(and no, this is not a self consolidation reflection...)

crown 2

i went for my second stage dental crowning for my upper molar yesterday and at the same time, i decided to proceed with the crowning of my lower molar. it was no less traumatic and sensing i was not ready for the pains, the dentist told me he would give me additional jabs. it will help me tide over the process and for some time after that, he said. and with that said, he proceeded with the procedure. and as he had said, it was not painful. in fact, i was so numbed, i couldn't even feel whether he was doing the top molar or the bottom molar.

the whole procedure last almost an hour plus and i walked out with a nice silver crown on my upper molar. i took a look at the silver crown after the whole process and it felt kinda weird. silver is certainly more durable but it reminded me of a cina pek (old china man)! (then again, i am not that young!) haha...

will have to return in a fortnights' time to fit the crown for the lower tooth.

:-)

move or stay?

do i try to do what i love, or try to love what i do?

something that i thought about when i asked myself if i should move on to the next job. many of my friends shared that i should love what i do (without knowing the context). but while i agree with them, it would also mean not opening myself out to new learning and new experiences.

and this little question by an ex-staff was most enlightening. he asked: do you want to be comfortably unhappy, or uncomfortably happy? and reflecting on his words, being uncomfortably happy is probably the best. being uncomfortable as there are new areas to learn, but happy given the people and the environment.

and i was really happy my ex-boss (the lady) called me and gave me some advice. she's the only one whom i have shared my thoughts and she suggested that i should find out more about the company before i decide. practical advice that i already know. but to hear it from her, it gave me a lot of assurance about moving ahead.

resignation

my finance top person tendered this week. and i did a count and realised that in my current job, i've survived 4 heads of my department, 3 finance chiefs, and 2 ceos... and it's only been less than 3 years.

perhaps, it is also time for me to go.

:-)

pregnant matchstick?

waaaa sir, from the back you look young, hamsome, and thin. but when sir turn around... waaaa, stomach very big!

words of realities from my maid...

heh heh. then again, i wasn't too disturbed by her words. it is a fact. and it simply told me that i needed to watch my weight. and i must add that whenever my tummy appears, all my backaches, etc will also flare up. need to cut down my carbs and thanks to dazza's sharing - just cut down the carbs for one meal a day. thought its a very practical and easy thing to do!

:-)

packed schedules

somehow, i find my weeks zoom by superbly fast these days. and i didn't have the time to really breathe throughout the work week. it's not good right?

i need to practice more mindfulness.

the last witch hunter

movie was a tat long but it was not as gory as i had expected. nothing special about it. the usual man hunts witch, man kills witch but got cursed with immortality, man found out 800 years later that he's alive by the heart of the witch, which of cos, means the witch can be resurrected. and no prize for guessing, that was what happened and a new battle ensued. man defeated witch (again) but in the end, decide to keep the heart... good entertain for an otherwise boring weekend.

heh...

transylvania 2

truth be told, i didn't quite enjoy this movie. trying too hard. perhaps it's just me. some things we just don't try to change, like the divide between monsters and humans. the political undertones (of inclusiveness, etc) was just too strong. and frankly, i didn't find it funny.

but of cos, as in all movies, let's just take it at face value.

was an ok no-brainer break for the (last) weekend nonetheless.

:-)

reflecting, my dream

i reflected on the dream i had about someone jumping out of a building and concluded that that person was me. and i said that because all these while i was struggling with my boss at work. although he has gotten a lot less hostile to me and, for that matter, started to coach me, it still gets to me when his aggressiveness and insecurities played up. and despite this change in his general attitude towards me, i had already made up my mind about leaving, there is really no point to work for a boss that spare no second thoughts about calling me a liar and other names. 

most importantly, i do not see any prospects in the company. i am already at the top of where i can be and there is no way for me to move upwards. worst of all, and in no pretence, my ceo himself already said, when at the level where there is no further way up, the only way is out. and so... of cos, while he did not specifically target what he said at me, it was clear that he was referring to the reality that all small size companies face. with all these factors, it would be most logical for me to leave regardless of how comfortable (or not) i may be currently.

this explains the man struggling to release himself out of the building. i couldn't figure if the man was attempting suicide or escaping from danger from within the building. also, once he fell off, i really didn't know if he died. there was no body at all... here's how i interpreted it...

with all the factors, i had been constantly on the look out for a new job and despite the many interviews that i went to, things did not seemed to go well. and lately, just when i slowed down my job search, a job appeared. and after 2 interviews, the hiring manager seemed more than keen to want me join them. the decision has been made but the offer etc will only come once the management makes the final decision to move the incumbent. that will occur dec this year and that means, if things go according to the plan, i will leave my company mar 2016. now, the thing is - the job scope covers many areas that i do have have depth of experience in. and i naturally am anxious if i could manage.  i have expressed my apprehensions to the hiring manager but she assured me she would hand-hold. the pace is ok and you have 2-3 years to learn, she assured.

my fear of the unknown and my lack of experience makes me anxious. i am uncertain of the future.  what if i cannot deliver? what if i cannot fit? is this the right decision? i am not sure myself. i am scared. it is indeed a huge leap of faith. the future is unclear. this, to me, explains the lack of body in the dream... so... perhaps the best thing for me to do now is to read up, talk, ask around and prepare myself for the change. i cam perhaps only move on with the clarity that it is a journey i have to take.

"suicide"

i was in a quiet, almost dead unit and i was looking out of the window. this unit was at a relatively high floor, and if i recalled correctly, 9th floor. and opposite this unit stood another block. as i looked, i saw a pair of legs hanging outside the window of the very unit in front of me. it was dangling there and kicking into the mid air as if this person was trying to get out of the window. my immediate thought was that this person must be a little crazy. and next thing i knew i saw this person loosen himself from the window and fell downwards. 

i had just witnessed a suicide. and at that very moment, i could see the fear on the man's eyes. then again, from another angle, the man looked depressed. resigned. and perhaps relieved. relieved that he was finally free from the tensions that had gripped him up till that moment. it was amazing how small details like that got magnified and became the center of focus despite the man being quite a distance away. i didn't rush to the window but in my head, i could imagine a loud "thud" as the man hits the ground. there must have been lotsa blood and broken body pieces, i thought.

i wanted to call the police but something in me told me to just hold it there. moments later, it struck me that there was no loud "thud". i walked to the window and looked down. there was no body. there were a couple of people just walking, busy with their respective routines. and...

i woke up. 

九月初九

today is the 9th day of the 9th lunar month, supposedly the day where herbal tonics are most potent. so, have you taken your herbal tonics!? heh... for me, i simply did it the lazy way. i opened and downed a bottle of cordyceps essence.

:-)

out of trouble mask

this mask was launched in the early-2000

it is still found in the market today

amazing right?

it says a lot about its popularity 

i was introduced to it 2003

i still use it once a while today

and i absolutely love it

the experience, the smell, the cool tingling feel, and of cos

the afterglow 

nice!

my neighbour's (gay?) tenants

my neighbour rented out a room to two guys since last month and i decided two days ago to introduce myself to one of them.

you see, my neighbour had erected a partition in his living room to create a smaller walk-in one-room unit a couple of months back. he's divorced and certainly didn't need so many rooms, and by partitioning and renting out the unit, it would lessen his efforts to upkeep the whole apartment and allow him an additional source of income.

two guys moved in about a month or so back. and while they look as straight as any guy-next door, their behaviour suggest they are a couple. you see, these two guys move around and do their routines together. meals, swims, exercises, etc. also, i think one of them only stay over on specific days of the week and does not live here. then again, whether they are a couple or not didn't matter. what's important is that they have moved in and i have new neighbours. so... despite seeing them move in and out of their unit regularly, we had never talked. to me, it was weird. its not natural for neighbours to not know each other. 

i decided to take the initiative two days ago. one of them had returned home and i walked out of my unit and introduced myself to him. apart from welcoming him, i also told him that he should not hesitate to knock on my door if he needs any help in future. he was kinda caught off-guard by my introduction. and to my surprise, he came over to my unit a few minutes later and gave me some chocolates and snacks, explaining that he had just returned from overseas...

well, that's a good start. building good relationships with neighbours are important. as the chinese saying go - a relative living far away cannot be compared to a nearby neighbour (远亲不如近邻）. you never know when you'll need their help. right?

:-)

crowning

had some time to spare after my ultra-sound treatment for my feet and i decided to head to the dentist. my left upper molar had felt tender whenever i bite and it had been there for as long as i could recall. i had left it untreated and instead relied on my right molars all these while.

the dentist did some tests and concluded that my upper molar was cracked and needed treatment. he said that at best, a crown would help but if the crack was really bad, a root canal would be needed. after discussing the options, i decided to go with the crown. i had all along disliked visits to the dentist, particularly for any treatments where i need to be injected. inserting a needle into the gum is really uncomfortable and between a root canal and a crown, the latter seemed less painful. 

regretfully, i couldn't avoid the injection. sighs. but i was pleasantly surprise when the injection didn't hurt. in fact, i didn't feel it at all, thanks to a numbing agent that the dentist applied before the injection. the drilling and filing of the molar was done in a jiffy and the dentist placed a temporary crown after taking an imprint for the permanent crown to be made. need to return to fix the permanent crown in two weeks. and as recommended, i opted for a silver crown as it would be more durable.

:-)

ps: i was told that my lower molar was also cracked and the dentist also suggested that i do a crown for it too. i decided to defer this till the next visit. all things being equal, i need to spread out the cost... each crown costs me sgd800!

ultra-sound treatment

i went for the ultra-sound treatment for my plantar fasciitis on friday. it was a short 10min ultrasound treatment for each foot. it was surprisingly not painful (unlike the ultra-sound treatment i wh=ent through to remove my kidney stones). and at the end of the process, the doctor told me i should rest over the next few days and avoid walking. heh... this is not possible, i told myself. how to not walk when i have to bring my mum out for her routine walks, meals, etc...

but i must say, my feet felt less painful when i woke up the yesterday. lets' hope the pain reduces over time. been told the pain will reduce and plateau off about 3-4 days post-treatment. need to repeat the treatment next friday to force the healing process again.

:-)

mood swings - mum

mum had issues with water retention and had to be kept on a fluid restriction regime since her discharge from hospital. despite reducing her furosemide dosage, she continued to suffer thirst and had been asking for water non-stop throughout the day. and every time she did so, i had to patiently explain to her about the need to control her water intake. the water will make you breathless, your legs swollen and you may even have a heart attack, and i'd repeat these lines again and again. and when such lines become no longer effective, i'd evoke the doctor as my last resort. she has this respect for doctors and she'd obey when i say it's doctors' order. even then such tactics has its limits when her thirst got the worst of her. and when that happens, she'd angrily retort - ya, so if the doctor ask me to die, i'll have to die right? anyway, every so often, i would in and give her an ice cube or a small sip of water. but given her forgetfulness, she'd ask for water again within the next minute. it was really draining mentally and emotionally.

yesterday, it happened again and this time round, i went through the routine of repeating why she needed to control her water intake, evoking the doctors, etc. i repeated it a few times and by late morning, she started accusing me of wanting to kill her and said i was deliberately doing so so that she'd die faster. she added that i'd be very happy when she dies. her accusations went on for a while until i lost my temper. i simply told her that if i had wanted her to die, i would have fed her with all the water she wanted and let her leg swell, her lungs collapse and for her to suffer a heart attack. she was obviously not listening and continued berating me. i was so frustrated i simply told her drink to death if she wants to. i told her that it was so difficult to look after her given all her illnesses, and despite all that i had done for her, she had the cheek to turn around and said such hurting words. i was damned pissed off by then. what happened next was not unexpected. she refused to talk to me, threw tantrums, and refused food and water, which actually was the effect i had wanted to achieve. heh... she kept this way until evening when she reluctantly agreed to head out for dinner. 

and well, as to be expected, the whole process of asking for water and saying she is thirsty happened again today. i am just glad the weekend is over and i can be relieved of handling her non-stop asking for water when i go to work.

:-)

relaxing day

had a two hour sleep post-exercise and decided to head to the pool for a tan.

had been a long while since i had the chance to visit the pool. and it was indeed really good. the pool was quiet with just a couple of other tanners, the sun was not overbearing and there were no noisy kids. managed to grab a quick nap too, heh. well, as usual, nearing lunchtime, a few more tanners arrived, including one or two regular flashers. these were the regular ones who had been flashing for as long as i could remember and so, the surprise and/ or novelty factor was totally not there... so... yeah, next...

and to top it off, i went for a facial to clean up my face. such a tai-tai day.

:-)

crisis exercise

participated in the airport crisis exercise on wednesday night (or to be exact thursday morning 12.30am). the aim of the exercise was to practice all agencies involved in crisis management in the event of an air crash. and as in all such exercises, everything was staged and, if i may add, rather elaborately. there was a simulated crash created at a corner of the airport, actors were engaged from schools to play the roles of injured passengers and family members. and as expected, there was quite a bit of over-dramatic reactions from these actors. but all agencies involved took it in stride and managed their roles seriously.

the stress levels for the organisers were increased several notches when the transport minister decided last minute to drop by to observe the whole exercise. but despite the staging, i thought it was good for the fact that many of the processes were practised and the people involved were all very serious about their respective roles. it was a good learning experience for me personally.

i was totally dead beat by the time the exercise ended and left the airport at 6.15am.

new washing machine

heh... the maid has been complaining for some time that the washing machine was malfunctioning and i had not acted on it. finally got it replaced friday. and it was so coincidental that i received $800 vouchers from an insurance i bought some time back. so yeah....

i got my washing machine replaced free of charge.

:-)

twisted my neck

i twisted my neck early in the week.

it happened when i was asleep. i was a light sleeper and would usually turn in my bed through the night. and it so happened that when i tried turning, i heard a "crack" in my neck and almost immediately i felt the whole muscles stiffen. it was not a pleasant experience and amidst my drowsy state, i reminded myself to relax as much as i could so as not to cause further strain on the neck. thankfully it helped. but the stiff neck stayed through the week. 

its been 4-5 days and the stiffness is still there... 

let's hope it clears soon.

what a week...

cannot find the right word to describe the week. so many things happened. here's a quick summary of the many things in point form:

• found out i had been lied to
• twisted my neck
• bought a new support pillow
• received a $800 voucher 
• got another job opportunity
• went through an airport crisis exercise
• bought a new washing machine
• mum went through a few mood swings 
• did the ultra-sound treatment for both feet
• did my crowning for my upper left molar
• ups and downs at work
• intro myself to my neighbour's tenant

that kinda describe the things that happened this week. will expand on them in due course...

for now, i am going to sleep

zzz.

job "meet up"

last friday, met up with the hiring manager of the company that interviewed me previously. went through a 2-hour talk (chit-chat session) where the hiring manager spoke very openly about what her expectations are and what i could expect if i were to join them. i appreciated her openness and i also shared, in as open a manner, about my desire to observe my daily routines (with regards my mum) if i were to join them. better lay all cards clearly on the table now, i thought.

the conversation ended with the hiring manager telling me that the position would only be open first quarter 2016. nonetheless, she indicated she was very keen to have me join her. as of now, things sound very positive with only one issue - i am not confident i would be able to deliver to expectations. the job scope of the position was tremendously wide and the expectations were very high. need to think through it thoroughly before any offer comes (if it comes)...

do i sound like i worry too much? happy problem i supposed?

monday blues

i dread heading back to work tomorrow. there are a couple of things left hanging and i seriously didn't want to face them. disagreement over contracts, proposals, etc...

yikes...

pan

i had expected more when i walked into the theatre. but the show did not meet up to my expectations. it was unevenly paced and frankly, there were times where i felt it was draggy. and as always, i had to remind myself, it was only a show after all. and it did not help that the bloody cinema was so terribly cold. despite having had my sweater on, my whole body and legs still stiffened up so bad my plantar fasciitis flared up when i tried to get up and walk after the show ended. 

zzzz...

reflecting work...

i usually do not get so stressed out over work. but since i took over the whole port folio of my colleague, i have had lots of sleepless nights. most of the sleepless nights were due to the need to face my boss cos his thinking was hard to fathom and that he usually doesn't agree with what i propose and i usually end up being caught in difficult situations (and he likes to raise his voice, which gets me really uneasy).

last month, i had an unpleasant case of him disagreeing with a contract that was drafted by an agency and he insisted on his way of things after the receiving the service. things got really ugly and we ended up wanting to scrap the whole project (which involved getting rid of people and possibly heading to court). it was lucky that the vendor gave in in the end, and decided it would not be worth heading to the court over such a small sum of money and the need to maintain a long term view to the business relationship. i felt totally stressed out... but thankful that the vendor took a step back. this happened again this month and as it stands, i am now faced with another similar situation. this case is still on-going and i am caught between different parties with both parties refusing to give in. sighs. but of cos, i supposed i have learnt to managed my boss a little better for the frequency of him raising his voice has lessened. i simply told him i needed to learn from him and that i am new to this...

on the other hand, from these incidents, i learned something about negotiation tactics. for my boss, his starting point is always at the lowest end - e.g. if someone asks for 10, he will start at 0. and he will be very thuggish about the whole process. i can understand his tactic, but i find it very hard to accept the hostility in the approach. and so far, he has gotten his way although i must say the outcome had been consistent in that the relationship between both parties always invariably end up very tense despite the calm outwardly. to me, this is not a good outcome. anyway, i am still learning and shall just take it as it comes.

learn...

the martian

watched this movie last weekend. i had initially hesitated watching it as i was alone and that it was a superbly long movie. the start time of the movie was 11.45pm and it would end close to 2.00am. but in the end i decided to do so as it was about space and space travel, and i have been intrigued by all things related to space all my life. and the recent announcement of nasa discovering water on mars made me more curious about mars.

i sat through the whole show, all two and a half hour of it and it didn't feel that long. the show didn't disappoint. it had all the ingredients of a good movie. the suspense, the emotional swings, the sense of total lost, adventure, the unknown unknown (come on, its mars!)... and of cos, the really good acting. then again, one small bit about how the chinese suddenly appear and decided to chip in to help was a tat odd for me. but having watched this trailer, it made total sense to me how and why this part fitted in. all humans have this innate instinct to save their own kind, and when one of our own is stuck in another planet, we all chip in, regardless of political divides.

i thoroughly enjoyed the movie. it was really good.

:-)

ps: if i recall correctly, this was perhaps one of the only shows i have watched where matt damon appeared in the nude (although it was only his back that was shown)

cock size...

my reflections on confidence amongst (gay)men:

the size of a (gay)man's confidence is usually proportional to how big he perceives his manhood is...

agree?

(on second thoughts, perhaps it is about how comfortable he is with the size of his manhood...)