Wednesday, 30 November 2011
perfect storm
in life, a perform storm is when everything you know, care about, work for, come home to, look forward to, and so on, crash onto you and stresses you out all at the same time... and it does not look like there is light at the end of the never-ending tunnel. that is what i am facing now. frankly, i am beyond stressed. i am so tired and so fucking drained.
i hate to say this, but i am entertaining thoughts of death again...
i need help!
picture from http://www.geography.org.uk/cpdevents/onlinecpd/geographyoffood/theperfectstorm/
Monday, 28 November 2011
being harsh
context - at work. when a boss is harsh on himself by exacting very difficult demands on himself, he tend to become very harsh on the people around him too. and unfairly so becos he cannot exact everyone to behave like him. i have one business unit head who is very excitable, very selfish and very self-centric. he carries people's balls and takes pleasure in destroying people (for the right or the wrong reasons) just to make his own people look good (even if his people are worthless). so his people loves him. but his whole business unit is very excitable and all the staff in his business unit are very stressed and tensed up... hmmm...
context - in a relationship. if one feels he is not worth being loved, and denies the love and attention given to him by his loved ones, his loved ones will feel dejected, unhappy and often depressed. so in his own self-centeredness, he feels he is doing what he needs to do to protect himself. and the result - people around him gets hurt, feels dejected, depressed and the mood soured.
so? morale of the story? live the moment, give yourself a chance in life. be less harsh on yourself. you must take into considerations the impact of your behaviour on the people around you. you are you, but you are also part of a larger circle of people around. instead of being harsh, why not be happy instead? let the happiness shine.
no?
picture from http://health.wikinut.com/img/3nvjwqajhyyevdyd/Harsh-World
of work & leave
i am on leave today, yet technically, i am still at work cos i log on into my email and do work-related stuff at home. and when i get off work daily, i continue working when i reach home. i know such behaviours are not good. but it had become a habit. and it is not just me, it seemed like everyone at my work place do the same, it is the culture of the company. everyone seems to thrive on such unhealthy work habits. and my bosses expect me to do so... not good. not good at all. but i went with the flow. nonetheless, i made sure i do not impose the same demands nor expect the same of my staff. i mean, work will never end, so why be held hostage by it? right?
last year, when i joined the company, my staff, who was about to leave for his honeymoon, asked me - do you need me to bring my laptop along? i can still be reachable and if need be, i can log on and clear anything you need me to do. well, on the bright side, it reflected my staff's willingness to work, but in the most unhealthy sense, it reflected the lack of respect for the individual on the part of the company. of cos, in a competitive environment, one needs to be responsive, but i strongly believe this is up to a certain level, after which, work is work, life is life. there must be a clear distinction between the 2. and certainly, i sensed that from my top/ senior management point of view, they do not see it that way. in fact, if you are constantly at the beck and call and are responsive regardless of day or time, you are considered good and they will like you very much...
hmmm... not healthy right?
and yes, back to my staff, i told him to switch off his handphone, leave his laptop in singapore and simply go and enjoy his honeymoon. i will not call nor email. and even if i do, i certainly would not expect him to respond. my attitude to my staff is - when at work, work hard, and when at play, play hard. try not to mix work and play. no one is indispensible.
last year, when i joined the company, my staff, who was about to leave for his honeymoon, asked me - do you need me to bring my laptop along? i can still be reachable and if need be, i can log on and clear anything you need me to do. well, on the bright side, it reflected my staff's willingness to work, but in the most unhealthy sense, it reflected the lack of respect for the individual on the part of the company. of cos, in a competitive environment, one needs to be responsive, but i strongly believe this is up to a certain level, after which, work is work, life is life. there must be a clear distinction between the 2. and certainly, i sensed that from my top/ senior management point of view, they do not see it that way. in fact, if you are constantly at the beck and call and are responsive regardless of day or time, you are considered good and they will like you very much...
hmmm... not healthy right?
and yes, back to my staff, i told him to switch off his handphone, leave his laptop in singapore and simply go and enjoy his honeymoon. i will not call nor email. and even if i do, i certainly would not expect him to respond. my attitude to my staff is - when at work, work hard, and when at play, play hard. try not to mix work and play. no one is indispensible.
about me
i am an emotional and sentimental person.
i am very sensitive to people's feelings. i sense their happiness/ sadness very easily. and i often end up getting affected by it, especially if they are people that i care for very much. i also get extra affected if i feel i am the one who was the cause of their unhappiness. my mood can swing from being happy to being depress very quickly and once i get depressed, it will take me a long while to get out of it. and that depressive state, i would retract into the confines of my own inner space and withdraw from the world.
becos i am a sensitive person, i never like to be kept in the dark or to be kept guessing. i prefer people to tell me their feelings, whether they are happy or they are sad, cos it makes it a lot easier for me to calibrate my responses and know how to deal with them (altho it does not mean i will be less prone to getting depress)... and whenever i have people who do not express themselves or keep things to themselves; and only choose show their happy front, i become extra sensitive to them. so, whenever i sense unhappiness in these people, i'd blame myself for being the cause of their unhappiness.
is this a bad thing? the good side is that i am very attuned to people's happiness and many people come to me as they would an aunt agony. the negative side is that i become an emotional wrecked easily.
and that is bad for my emotional state.
i am very sensitive to people's feelings. i sense their happiness/ sadness very easily. and i often end up getting affected by it, especially if they are people that i care for very much. i also get extra affected if i feel i am the one who was the cause of their unhappiness. my mood can swing from being happy to being depress very quickly and once i get depressed, it will take me a long while to get out of it. and that depressive state, i would retract into the confines of my own inner space and withdraw from the world.
becos i am a sensitive person, i never like to be kept in the dark or to be kept guessing. i prefer people to tell me their feelings, whether they are happy or they are sad, cos it makes it a lot easier for me to calibrate my responses and know how to deal with them (altho it does not mean i will be less prone to getting depress)... and whenever i have people who do not express themselves or keep things to themselves; and only choose show their happy front, i become extra sensitive to them. so, whenever i sense unhappiness in these people, i'd blame myself for being the cause of their unhappiness.
is this a bad thing? the good side is that i am very attuned to people's happiness and many people come to me as they would an aunt agony. the negative side is that i become an emotional wrecked easily.
and that is bad for my emotional state.
Saturday, 26 November 2011
about living
l.i.f.e - d.e.a.t.h
i brought my mum to the columbarium to pay respects to my dad this morning. rather spontaneous about it. decided to do so after breakfast. thought it would be good to bring her around since she stays at home most of the time during weekdays. as we drove out of the columbarium, i was reminded once again of this thought - that we must first accept the certainty of death before we can really learn how to live.
i guess this went through my head becos of late, a couple of my friends have lamented that they are afraid of getting old, facing painful sickness and eventually death. one shared that it would be really nice if he could just sleep and die without waking up. in a way, i understood where my friends were coming from. but the thing is, the more afraid one is of death, and tries to avoid it (in a negative sense), one tend to suffer more. and despite trying to escape the sufferings and pains, death will still come. so, why not accept it, embrace it's certainty and learn to live life to the fullest. only when we can do this can we face death and gladly walk the next lap with him/ her, whatever... cos we would then be able to leave this world without regrets.
no?
i supposed my view point was influenced by my buddhist faith. the 4 noble truths and the concept of impermanence. this helped me become less attached to things and accept that fact that one day, i shall leave this world... then again, i still need to cultivate my spiritual self further. still find myself full of ego many a times... clinging on to my "face" and "ego".
i guess this went through my head becos of late, a couple of my friends have lamented that they are afraid of getting old, facing painful sickness and eventually death. one shared that it would be really nice if he could just sleep and die without waking up. in a way, i understood where my friends were coming from. but the thing is, the more afraid one is of death, and tries to avoid it (in a negative sense), one tend to suffer more. and despite trying to escape the sufferings and pains, death will still come. so, why not accept it, embrace it's certainty and learn to live life to the fullest. only when we can do this can we face death and gladly walk the next lap with him/ her, whatever... cos we would then be able to leave this world without regrets.
no?
i supposed my view point was influenced by my buddhist faith. the 4 noble truths and the concept of impermanence. this helped me become less attached to things and accept that fact that one day, i shall leave this world... then again, i still need to cultivate my spiritual self further. still find myself full of ego many a times... clinging on to my "face" and "ego".
Thursday, 24 November 2011
psle results/ perspectives
today, the education ministry announced the psle results. and sometime mid-afternoon, i got 2 smses about it. one was from a friend and the other from my sis. both their kids managed to pass the psle with flying colours. for my friend, she said she was happy with her son's achievement. instead, it was her son who was unhappy with the results... hmmm... i supposed this was a happy problem. happy in that her son had taken it upon himself to do well. as for my sis, her daugther's results was nothing short of stellar. yet she complained that she now has lots of problem selecting a school for her daughter cos her score was 1 point short of entry into the top school in singapore. and added to that, her daughter had chosen a school that she felt was a little too far for her.
and i was thinking - wow, such a happy outcome yet it was made to sound rather negative. there are probably thousands and thousands of people who are happy just to be able to get into a secondary school or worst still, people who could not pass and had to undergo vocational skill training, etc. and here, the worry is about not being able to get into a top school or that the school was too far... it certainly struck me how a different perspective is all it takes to make a good bad and a bad good. and from that angle, yes, although i am facing so much problems at work, the fact that i have at least a job makes it a happy fact for me.
:-)
and i was thinking - wow, such a happy outcome yet it was made to sound rather negative. there are probably thousands and thousands of people who are happy just to be able to get into a secondary school or worst still, people who could not pass and had to undergo vocational skill training, etc. and here, the worry is about not being able to get into a top school or that the school was too far... it certainly struck me how a different perspective is all it takes to make a good bad and a bad good. and from that angle, yes, although i am facing so much problems at work, the fact that i have at least a job makes it a happy fact for me.
:-)
no need white cards to enter m'sia
when i read that, i almost laughed out loud. well, at the rate of their own immigration officers earning a living by selling the white cards, whatever they print will likely disappear in no time. as for me, i still have a stack of close to 100 white cards in my car... and i do not know what to do with them!
haha!
:-)
Wednesday, 23 November 2011
bee's birthday
this month is bee's birthday. and for the first time after several years, i decided not to organise a gathering amongst my usual group of friends to celebrate his birthday. instead what we did was to have a simple quiet dinner by ourselves.
:-)
ps: it's very tiring to always be the one organising such gatherings. time to give myself a break. if people are interested and have the heart, they will initiate the organization right? heh...
:-)
ps: it's very tiring to always be the one organising such gatherings. time to give myself a break. if people are interested and have the heart, they will initiate the organization right? heh...
paranoia
mum's paranoia has gotten worst. she now suspects bee wants to harm her. she has been giving me a lot of stress lately by her suspicious side-stares and her weird behaviours. she had also asked my sis to bring her to the temple to pray. and when i asked her about it, she shhhhh me and waved furiously at me, telling me not to bring it up cos she does not want bee to know about it. not a good feeling.
am trying to find a day rehab for her now. kinda lengthy process to get the admission. need to get referral from aic, get the doctor to assess her condition, undergo means testing and once all these are cleared will the rehab center accept mum. spoke to the psychiatrist that had attended to her all these years and he agreed that it would be a good idea to keep her mind occupied. and when i spoke with her, it was good that she was somewhat receptive to it.
let's see how i can move this forward.
wish me luck.
photo from http://www.heratix.com/2009/10/01/paranoia/
unhappy
anyway, this week started off very badly for me. was hauled up to my big boss's office and given a good trashing by him. work-related. but still, it felt one helluva lousy cos it was not a case of my team not trying. in fact, as i see it, it was a case of my staff being the victim of politicking by my predecessor and many other people. also, my boss had some past history with my staff and now that my staff had fumbled, he is downloading his frustrations on me. he ended the trashing by telling me - since you stand by him, when he goes, you go!
looks like the time to go might be coming soon. anyway, i have touched base with the hr consultancy firm that placed me in this job. the boss was kinda surprised with my mail. well... i will probably be meeting up with him soon if things continue to spiral like that.
sighs!
but on the bright side, my team banded very much better after the whole fiasco and stress during these couple of weeks. certainly, nothing beats going through the storm together. i supposed i felt a little more stressed becos despite all these top-down trashing, i was still egging them on and smiling away. being a leader is tough. if your subordinate expects you to motivate them, then who motivates you?
hmmm...
Monday, 14 November 2011
change jobs?
during my interview before i join my current company, i voiced my preference to not do anything related to my previous uniformed organisation. yet now, as part of the efforts to increase its revenue, the company is refocusing its business strategies. and one of it is to do more and more business with my previous organisation. and lately, i have been asked to start working out business proposals for them. i am very unhappy about it. there is one thing i am clear about and this is - i really do not want to have anything to do with my previous organisation. apart from the fact that i do not agree principally with what they are doing (which is none of my business now that i am out of it), i also do not wish to go through the process of their security scrutiny again. and worst still, risking the awkwardness of having to explain to my management if they ever reject any business becos of my security clearance...as for my current job, i am not exactly being paid fairly for it. in fact, i am doing 2-3 person's job and being paid less than what one person can draw (compared to industry benchmark), the amount of shit work i have to do, the lack of system discipline in the company, etc i am really thinking of changing jobs... yet, on the other hand, i hope to be able to at least fulfil at least 2 years of tenure with my company cos i would like to establish a "reasonable" resume. and that would be at least 7 more months to go. what should i do?
anyone any advice?
hmmm...
Sunday, 13 November 2011
tum mile
tum mile... the lyrics as follows:
tu hi meri hai saari zameen
chaahe kahin se chaloon
tujhpe hi aake rukoon
tere siwa main jaoon kahaan
koi bhi raah chunoon
tujhpe hi aake rukoon
tum mile toh lamhe tham gaye
tum mile toh saare gam gaye
tum mile toh muskurana aa gaya
tum mile toh jaadu cha gaya
tum mile toh jeena aa gaya
tum mile toh maine paaya hai khuda
tujh mein kinaara dikhe
dil ko sahara dikhe
aa meri dhadkan thaam le
teri taraf hi mude
yeh saans tujhse jude
har pal yeh tera naam le
tum mile toh ab kya hai kami
tum mile toh duniya mil gayi
tum mile toh mil gaya aasra
tum mile toh jaadu cha gaya
tum mile toh jeena aa gaya
tum mile toh maine paaya hai khuda
din mere tujhse chalein
raatein bhi tujhse dhalein
hai waqt tere haath mein
tu hi shehar hai mera
tujhme hi ghar hai mera
rehta hai tere saath mein
tum mile toh mil gaya humsafar
tum mile toh khud ki hai khabar
tum mile toh rishta sa ban gaya
tum mile toh jaadu cha gaya
tum mile toh jeena aa gaya
tum mile toh maine paaya hai khuda
tu hi meri hai saari zameen
chaahe kahin se chaloon
tujhpe hi aake rukoon
tere siwa main jaoon kahaan
koi bhi raah chunoon
tujhpe hi aake rukoon
tum mile toh lamhe tham gaye
tum mile toh saare gam gaye
tum mile toh muskurana aa gaya
tum mile toh jaadu cha gaya
tum mile toh jeena aa gaya
tum mile toh maine paaya hai khuda
tujh mein kinaara dikhe
dil ko sahara dikhe
aa meri dhadkan thaam le
teri taraf hi mude
yeh saans tujhse jude
har pal yeh tera naam le
tum mile toh ab kya hai kami
tum mile toh duniya mil gayi
tum mile toh mil gaya aasra
tum mile toh jaadu cha gaya
tum mile toh jeena aa gaya
tum mile toh maine paaya hai khuda
din mere tujhse chalein
raatein bhi tujhse dhalein
hai waqt tere haath mein
tu hi shehar hai mera
tujhme hi ghar hai mera
rehta hai tere saath mein
tum mile toh mil gaya humsafar
tum mile toh khud ki hai khabar
tum mile toh rishta sa ban gaya
tum mile toh jaadu cha gaya
tum mile toh jeena aa gaya
tum mile toh maine paaya hai khuda
love
on this lazy and boring sunday, i thought i'd do a bit of reflection about this fuzzy concept called "love". why is it represented by the "heart"? this is the same in the english language, and the chinese language. but in the malay language, when a person is in love, you use the "hati", which means the "liver"... hmmm, wonder why? yet i do not see livers being used to represent "love" pictorially. it would be so funny if so. hahaha...
anyway, have read many blogs and see many facebook status updates and have come across many questions asking what is it... so? ya, what is it? where does it come from? what is the line between love and infatuation? why does it make one so happy, yet makes one so sad? whatever the case, a person who can love so deeply, will end up hurting so badly when things do not go right. right? is love selfish? can love be selfless? if you love someone, you let him/ her go. can it ever be so? lots of cliches ya?
and when a person is in love (or infatuation), weird behaviour can be observed. these include - staring at the phone non-stop, waiting for smses, everything (although wrong) seemed right, waking up early, sleeping late, stalking people, constantly wondering how that person is, checking anything and everything that can give an indication of where the person is, or what the person is doing, and so on... of cos, when love is unrequitted, everything good will feel bad almost immediately.
yet, much as love has such a strong impact on a person, it is really gender neutral. one can love a man, a woman, a transexual, etc regardless of one's gender. on the same token, love can exist between siblings, between parents and their child, between friends, between human and animals, and so on. also, one can love an object, a concept... love is neutral, love is blind, love is pure, and love is powerful.
you cannot really explain love... until you have experienced it.
love...
:-)
picture from http://happisis.blogspot.com/2011/01/i-love-you-always.html
anyway, have read many blogs and see many facebook status updates and have come across many questions asking what is it... so? ya, what is it? where does it come from? what is the line between love and infatuation? why does it make one so happy, yet makes one so sad? whatever the case, a person who can love so deeply, will end up hurting so badly when things do not go right. right? is love selfish? can love be selfless? if you love someone, you let him/ her go. can it ever be so? lots of cliches ya?
and when a person is in love (or infatuation), weird behaviour can be observed. these include - staring at the phone non-stop, waiting for smses, everything (although wrong) seemed right, waking up early, sleeping late, stalking people, constantly wondering how that person is, checking anything and everything that can give an indication of where the person is, or what the person is doing, and so on... of cos, when love is unrequitted, everything good will feel bad almost immediately.
yet, much as love has such a strong impact on a person, it is really gender neutral. one can love a man, a woman, a transexual, etc regardless of one's gender. on the same token, love can exist between siblings, between parents and their child, between friends, between human and animals, and so on. also, one can love an object, a concept... love is neutral, love is blind, love is pure, and love is powerful.
you cannot really explain love... until you have experienced it.
love...
:-)
picture from http://happisis.blogspot.com/2011/01/i-love-you-always.html
Friday, 11 November 2011
resignation
at work, the top management is exerting a whole lot of stress on all of us. and with the huge amount of additional targets that top management is pressing down, everyone is feeling the heat. and one by one, people around me are either being posted away or resigning - my staff, my admin staff, my friends, people supporting me, my peers, etc. stressed. i am feeling very alone and very overwhelmed at the current moment. can't breathe...
feeling very down.
no good.
haiz.
feeling very down.
no good.
haiz.
Monday, 7 November 2011
baby sapphie
the photos above were taken when sapphie was less than 1 year old. and...
and this is sapphie today... she still look as blur! haha!
Sunday, 6 November 2011
reminder
book i am reading now. actually, i book this bought about a decade ago and have read bits of it here and there. today, as i browsed through the books on my shelf, i decided to pick it up and browse through again. as i take it out, i noticed i had a bookmark and flipped to that page. it spoke of the four noble truth and the eightfold paths and how buddha gave his first sermon to the 5 ascetics. and as always, it was such a joy to read of buddha, his life and his teachings. i never fail to learn new things and see things from different perspectives despite having read the stories again and again!sadhu sadhu sadhu!
Saturday, 5 November 2011
of books & mobile phones
in my recent overseas trip, there was one obvious thing i observed that i also see of singaporeans - people are physically together but all exist in their own electronic/ cyber-world.
it was the same everywhere - in the train, on the streets, in the restaurants, and so on. people (friends, families, etc) congregate together, and instead of talking and catching up with each other, they would either be playing computer games, checking emails, updating facebook status, or checking out other people's online profiles... scary right? at this rate of development, we would end up purely living and interacting with people only in cyberspace! and worst of all, we would end up losing all our social competencies!
in contrast, in western cities (at least in the major ones i had been to - london, new york, etc), my experience was that more people would be reading a book instead.
what does all this suggest? hmmm...
anyone has the same experience?
she's 11!
yesterday was sapphie's 11th birthday! in human years, that would be 77 years old. last year, i got her papaya and this year, i got her her favourite fruit - durians! (i got her the d24 today but her favourite was still the 猫山王). time flies! it seemed not too long ago when i brought her home from a friend's place. she was only 6 weeks old then. and now, she's a grand old dame!
people often asked me if sapphie is my dog. well, technically, no. sapphie came into the household when james (my ex) wanted a dog to play with. at that time, it so happened that my friend's bitch had just given birth to 8 puppies. that was when we decided to pay him a visit to take a look at them. that was how sapphie came into the household.
as a baby, she was very cute. apart from her right front paw that was whitish, she was almost pure black all round. and it was because of this that i had almost wanted to christen her "while socks". james had other ideas, being a little of an activist, he felt a name that captures and hints of homosexuality would be more appropriate and suggested the name sapphie (from the greek poet "sappho" who was known for her homoerotic lesbian poems).
while james wanted a dog to play with, i was the one that provided for all her needs. and so naturally when we broke up, sapphie continued to stay with me. it was also the most natural thing to do considering the fact that most of the people in my family had grown attached to sapphie and that james had moved back to his parents place and hdb guidelines do not allow for medium sized dogs. and up to this day, every so often, james would bring sapphie out once every few months to play with her and to spent time with her. and from this perspective, we are really no different from a divorced couple.
:-)
Wednesday, 2 November 2011
someone looking
have you experience this - you felt someone was looking at you, you turned your head and indeed someone was looking at you! kinda weird right? many a times, when i drive, i would turn and look at other drivers, somehow, they would turn their head and look at me at the same time! it was like as though they knew i was looking at them...
anyone can explain this?
anyone can explain this?
goodbye shoes
it probably sound weird to many people, but i felt a tinge of sadness this morning when i had to discard this pair of shoes. you see, i bought it some 9-10 years ago. and in these years, other than myself, both james and bee had some time or other also worn it. i simply love the design. it was so unique. i have put off throwing it away for so long. but finally have to do so cos the sole had come off!
i don't think i would ever find another such fine looking pair of shoes!
sighs...
i don't think i would ever find another such fine looking pair of shoes!
sighs...
courses
the key reason why i dislike attending courses is that despite being physically away from work, mentally, i am still very much at work. imagine this - attending a course overseas, yet working at the same time on my blackberry!
sighs!
picture of blackberries from http://www.autumnacres.biz/
sighs!
picture of blackberries from http://www.autumnacres.biz/
what do you wanna eat?
when i was overseas and i meet up with friends, my friends never fail to ask me what i wanna eat or what i wanna do. frankly, i eat anything. and i can either do a lot things or do nothing and i would still be very happy. heh heh...
you see, i am the type of person who visits a place to experience the place in a very general manner. i do not go to a country specifically to see something, or specifically to eat something, or to buy anything. rather, i find joy in simply soaking myself in the environment and the ambience of the place. it can be as simple as feeling the cool air, the low humidity, breathing the air, and enjoying the sights in general. and to top it off, to hear different languages being spoken, to see people of different races, different cultures, taste different food, etc...
and when it comes to shopping, i am simply not a shopping person! i do not find the need to buy any nice trendy clothing, branded stuff, etc. they are probably too expensive for me anyway. and as for street stuff, i avoid them too cos they do not appeal to me, afterall, things bought from the night markets tend to spoil after one or two wash... so... yup, that was why in the past week plus when i was overseas, i didn't by anything at all! i simply walk around, enjoy the sights, the smell, the people, the environment, etc. and of cos, i enjoyed catching up with friends working there! that, to me, was the highlight of my trip!
:-)
picture from http://www.designverb.com/2009/01/11/hong-kong-food/
sauna
had my first experience in an asian gay sauna during my overseas trip last week. was pretty nervous about it initially as i have never been to a sauna in asia and didn't know what to expect. prior to this, my only experiences were mainly saunas in the west, more specifically, america. even then, it was only twice - in fort lauderdale and in chicago. and for both, i was wowed by the size (of the sauna and not the... haha!). the one in fort lauderdale has 4 levels and there were different things at each floors, including gym, dry sauna, wet steam rooms, amphitheatre, etc. and if you asked me if i have been to local saunas, well, no. i refused to go cos let's face it, the gay community here is just too small. all you need to do is to go to one sauna and next thing you know, everybody starts to talk about it... well, that was what i thought. and so, to avoid possible gossips, it is better to keep away, i conclude.ok, back to the sauna. prior to the visit, i did an internet search and one particular site recommended a sauna called "action". and when i asked around, my friends told me "double" was better and that i should not waste time with any others. so that was what i did. i headed to "double". but it was not easy to find although the building was located just beside the mtr station. in fact, the entrance to the building was discreetly tugged in the corner of a small side lane. and when i walked into the side lane, i felt a little apprehension. i hesitated going up. a lot of "what ifs" went through my head. but after some 5-10min, i finally plucked my courage and took the elevator up.
after paying the entrance and taking the towel, i fumbled through the place. there were so many half-naked people wrapped in white towels inside and i couldn't find the lockers! and the presence of these half-naked bodies standing around while i looked for the lockers made me feel very intimidated (and embarrassed)! haha. anyway, after fumbling around for a couple of seconds (that felt forever), i finally found my locker. i quickly changed up (or rather, stripped down) and in no time, i looked like one of those people standing around - half-naked wrapped in white towel. heh heh. my sense of individuality somehow disappeared that very moment. and that was the start of my sauna experience. ok, shall not write the details here. suffice to say, it was certainly a very interesting experience.
in all, i visited 2 different saunas during my overseas trip. certainly, as my friends said, there were lots of hot bods in "double". nice! but for "action", which i went another night, it was a totally different experience. it took me and a friend quite a while to find it and when i went in (my friend decided not to go in in the end and left), it was rather empty. the people there were largely in their late 30s and 40s. for a while, it seemed like i was the "best" in the sauna (and i do not have that great a physique to start with! haha!). i left after half an hour...
well, those 2 saunas marked my first sauna experience in asia. on the whole, i would say the place was very very small, compared to those i experienced in states. but certainly, being a "rice" person, i certainly find asian saunas better.
:-)
appreciating home
i have a friend who's always been critical about local government policies. he is now studying in an overseas university and i managed to meet up with him when i went overseas for a course last week. we met up a couple of times for meals and it was interesting to hear him speak well of our local policies. such a change. he commented how we have been able to get our policies right (most of the time), and despite how some people fell through the cracks, safety nets were put in place and that the government had tried by all means to reach out to people... in contrast, the politics there is just that - politics - and the government promised a lot of things, but it was all talk but no action, the government couldn't and dare not do the right thing for whatever reasons...
well, i supposed when one spends time overseas, one will be able to appreciate home better. this is the same for everyone i know who have gone overseas to work, study, live, etc...
a case of grass is greener on the other side... until one goes over...
:-)
picture from http://krewfirm.wordpress.com/2010/05/26/is-the-grass-greener-on-the-other-side/
anxiety
i lost my temper with mum last week. this week, sis lost her temper with mum... it's been getting quite often that we are losing our temper with her. i think it is not healthy. yet, she is increasing getting more and more difficult to manage. she often throws her tantrums, complains of all sorts of things, etc. i think she is trying to get attention. she claimed to have gone out of the house herself to the polyclinic when i was at work. her claim freaked me out. and gradually, i begin to observe a certain trend. her out of the world claims and often request to see doctors, or go to temples etc all occurs on sundays.
also, in the past couple of weeks when sis and i took turns to go overseas, i noticed she would go into all sorts of issues (sick, pain, complains, etc) on those days before we depart, as well as on those days just before we return. not too sure how long more we can hold our sanity to look after her. sis is asking me to consider sending her to a day care center to get her mentally engage. will have to seriously consider this now despite her disagreement.
sighs...
also, in the past couple of weeks when sis and i took turns to go overseas, i noticed she would go into all sorts of issues (sick, pain, complains, etc) on those days before we depart, as well as on those days just before we return. not too sure how long more we can hold our sanity to look after her. sis is asking me to consider sending her to a day care center to get her mentally engage. will have to seriously consider this now despite her disagreement.
sighs...
updated travel list
once again, i am updating my travel history. the following captures an updated list of cities and countries i have travelled to in my life up to date. broadly, i'd say i had travelled to most contingent except africa. for mainland europe, i had only travelled to switzerland. there are many more areas that i have not visited. and it has always been my wish to also visit the wonders of the world including the grand canyon, the pyramids of egypt, the niagara falls and if i can afford, the ancient cities of the aztecs in south america (machu picchu)... :-)
2011
feb - malaysia (jb)
jun - malaysia (jb)
oct/ nov - china (hong kong sar)
2010
may - malaysia (jb)
oct - indonesia (bintan)
nov - indonesia (jakarta)
dec - united arab emirates (abu dhabi, dubai)
2009
jun/jul - australia (perth, cervantes, margaret river, augusta, walpole, denmark, pemberton, manjimup, albany, hyden, corrigin, york, fremantle, joondalup)
jul - malaysia (malacca)
sep - malaysia (malacca)
nov - malaysia (jb)
2008
jun - thailand (phuket)
oct - malaysia (malacca, kuala lumpur)
dec - malaysia (cameron highlands, malacca)
2007
apr - malaysia (malacca)
apr - china (beijing)
jun - australia (perth)
aug - vietnam (hanoi, haphong)
aug - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)
dec - china (shanghai)
2006
apr - malaysia (kl)
jun - australia (sydney)
aug - thailand (bangkok)
sep-oct - indonesia (jakarta, bandung, lembang)
oct - thailand (bangkok)
dec - china (hong kong)
2005
feb - thailand (bangkok)
mar - malaysia
may - thailand (bangkok)
jun - indonesia (bintan)
jul - indonesia (bintan)
sep - indonesia (bintan)
oct - malaysia (kl)
nov - malaysia (jb, malacca)
nov - indonesia (bintan)
dec - taiwan (taipei)
2004
feb - taiwan (kaoshiung)
mar - taiwan (kaoshiung)
jun-dec - states (whole of florida, new york, chicago / illinois, etc)
dec - china (shanghai, hangzhou)
2003
jun - australia (sydney)
sep-oct - taiwan (taipei)
dec - s korea (seoul, sorat, incheon)
2002
jun - england (london, oxford, stratford upon avon, leeds, manchester, scarborough, windermere, etc)
2001
mar - states (california [la, sfo], new york)
may - taiwan (whole)
may - malaysia
jul - states (san diego)
dec - malaysia
2000
jun - australia (sydney)
dec - indonesia (bintan)
1999
feb - indonesia (jember)
may - england (london, brighton)
jun - malaysia
oct - japan (tokyo)
1998
mar - malaysia
jun - malaysia
sep - new zealand (christchurch)
nov - new zealand (christchurch, auckland)
1997
jun - indonesia (bintan, batam)
jun - thailand (bangkok, pattaya)
nov - switzerland (zurich, lucerne), israel (jerusalem)
pre-1997
lots of places but mainly in asia. these include east and west malaysia (lost count), taiwan (lost count), hong kong (twice?), australia brisbane, sydney, melbourne (1994), thailand (bangkok, kanchanaburi, chiangmai, chiangrai) (lost count), indonesia (bintan, batam, jember, surabaya) (trice?), brunei (lost count), etc etc etc...
2011
feb - malaysia (jb)
jun - malaysia (jb)
oct/ nov - china (hong kong sar)
2010
may - malaysia (jb)
oct - indonesia (bintan)
nov - indonesia (jakarta)
dec - united arab emirates (abu dhabi, dubai)
2009
jun/jul - australia (perth, cervantes, margaret river, augusta, walpole, denmark, pemberton, manjimup, albany, hyden, corrigin, york, fremantle, joondalup)
jul - malaysia (malacca)
sep - malaysia (malacca)
nov - malaysia (jb)
2008
jun - thailand (phuket)
oct - malaysia (malacca, kuala lumpur)
dec - malaysia (cameron highlands, malacca)
2007
apr - malaysia (malacca)
apr - china (beijing)
jun - australia (perth)
aug - vietnam (hanoi, haphong)
aug - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)
dec - china (shanghai)
2006
apr - malaysia (kl)
jun - australia (sydney)
aug - thailand (bangkok)
sep-oct - indonesia (jakarta, bandung, lembang)
oct - thailand (bangkok)
dec - china (hong kong)
2005
feb - thailand (bangkok)
mar - malaysia
may - thailand (bangkok)
jun - indonesia (bintan)
jul - indonesia (bintan)
sep - indonesia (bintan)
oct - malaysia (kl)
nov - malaysia (jb, malacca)
nov - indonesia (bintan)
dec - taiwan (taipei)
2004
feb - taiwan (kaoshiung)
mar - taiwan (kaoshiung)
jun-dec - states (whole of florida, new york, chicago / illinois, etc)
dec - china (shanghai, hangzhou)
2003
jun - australia (sydney)
sep-oct - taiwan (taipei)
dec - s korea (seoul, sorat, incheon)
2002
jun - england (london, oxford, stratford upon avon, leeds, manchester, scarborough, windermere, etc)
2001
mar - states (california [la, sfo], new york)
may - taiwan (whole)
may - malaysia
jul - states (san diego)
dec - malaysia
2000
jun - australia (sydney)
dec - indonesia (bintan)
1999
feb - indonesia (jember)
may - england (london, brighton)
jun - malaysia
oct - japan (tokyo)
1998
mar - malaysia
jun - malaysia
sep - new zealand (christchurch)
nov - new zealand (christchurch, auckland)
1997
jun - indonesia (bintan, batam)
jun - thailand (bangkok, pattaya)
nov - switzerland (zurich, lucerne), israel (jerusalem)
pre-1997
lots of places but mainly in asia. these include east and west malaysia (lost count), taiwan (lost count), hong kong (twice?), australia brisbane, sydney, melbourne (1994), thailand (bangkok, kanchanaburi, chiangmai, chiangrai) (lost count), indonesia (bintan, batam, jember, surabaya) (trice?), brunei (lost count), etc etc etc...
china chinese
when a person of one race speaks bad of another person/s of another race, he/ she can be accused of racism. but what if he/ she speaks bad of his/ her own race?... hmmm... well, anyway, i just came back from hk. and i couldn't help but observe the significant increase of china chinese there. even the locals are telling me they themselves find the china chinese a pain. they are loud, uncouth, ill-mannered, behave like emperors and empresses, behave badly in public, push people in the mtr, scream nto their pones, etc etc etc... and fully capable of turning an nice shopping center into a pasar malam! eeks!
singaporeans really need to head to hk to see for themselves the extend to which things have develop there. once they have seen it, i am sure they will appreciate the fact that china chinese in singapore are better behaved!
:-)
singaporeans really need to head to hk to see for themselves the extend to which things have develop there. once they have seen it, i am sure they will appreciate the fact that china chinese in singapore are better behaved!
:-)
#3,485,675,708
interesting. that is my number. tried doing it twice and the first 7 digits were similar. (you can try it in this link) heh heh... and i reflected - with such an explosion of population on earth, i wouldn't be surprise if we have to resort to drastic measures to manage our own populations in the very near future.
hmmm...
hmmm...
Sunday, 9 October 2011
the call
a few days after having passed my qualifying interview for the masters program, i got a call. this call would be the start of a series of events that eventually became the defining moment of my service, one that shook me to my core and transformed my perception of the organisation that i had held so dear and had committed my life to.
it was one afternoon in apr 2005. i was at my desk settling some matters pertaining to some routine dk matters when the phone rang. a lady's voice came on. she sounded nice enough. hello, can i speak with (my rank & name)? i affirmed i was the person she was looking for... oh hi sir, i am (so and so) from the security department. can you come down to the department's office for an interview on (date & time)? at that very moment, i knew it was my turn. feigning ignorance (or rather, hoping against reality that it was not), i asked, what is this interview for? erm, oh, it's nothing, it's only a routine interview she replied. "routine" she said? my foot! no interviews by that department could ever be "routine". i had heard of people getting called up for "routine" interviews and i knew they were anything but "routine"... my heart pounded. we firmed up the interview date and i hung up.
once i hung up, i contacted d (who had been "interviewed" before) and told him about it. they called me, i said. he immediately knew what i meant. finally. yes, finally, it was my turn. i felt very uneasy. resigned. yet in a strange way, i bore hope that it would be a "routine" interview. on the other hand, since d's interview, i had psyched myself up for it. i had told myself that when my turn came, i would be honest about my sexuality. nothing beats being honest, i told myself. by then, it was clear to me that there was a systematic hunt going on for gay military persons. i knew my turn would come sooner or later.
read on the "interview" aka interogation....
pix from http://pinayabroad.wordpress.com/
it was one afternoon in apr 2005. i was at my desk settling some matters pertaining to some routine dk matters when the phone rang. a lady's voice came on. she sounded nice enough. hello, can i speak with (my rank & name)? i affirmed i was the person she was looking for... oh hi sir, i am (so and so) from the security department. can you come down to the department's office for an interview on (date & time)? at that very moment, i knew it was my turn. feigning ignorance (or rather, hoping against reality that it was not), i asked, what is this interview for? erm, oh, it's nothing, it's only a routine interview she replied. "routine" she said? my foot! no interviews by that department could ever be "routine". i had heard of people getting called up for "routine" interviews and i knew they were anything but "routine"... my heart pounded. we firmed up the interview date and i hung up.
once i hung up, i contacted d (who had been "interviewed" before) and told him about it. they called me, i said. he immediately knew what i meant. finally. yes, finally, it was my turn. i felt very uneasy. resigned. yet in a strange way, i bore hope that it would be a "routine" interview. on the other hand, since d's interview, i had psyched myself up for it. i had told myself that when my turn came, i would be honest about my sexuality. nothing beats being honest, i told myself. by then, it was clear to me that there was a systematic hunt going on for gay military persons. i knew my turn would come sooner or later.
read on the "interview" aka interogation....
pix from http://pinayabroad.wordpress.com/
Saturday, 8 October 2011
wonderful singapore
a different perspective of singapore. and a look at the fireworks for this year's national day parade.
enjoy!
ps: and yes, do watch in hd and fullscreen to be able to enjoy the depth of the production!
enjoy!
ps: and yes, do watch in hd and fullscreen to be able to enjoy the depth of the production!
wonders
amazing! reminds me of how insignificant we and our worldly desires and worries are.
ps: watch it in hd and fullscreen!
placebo effect
my mum has been making helluva lot of noise in recents days about painful joints at her hands and legs. and to help manage her pain, she would pull and bent her fingers non-stop through the day. in addition, she would pour the axe brand oil (hong you) onto her joints. her usage of the hong you was so high that she could finish 1 huge bottle a week. yup, a normal person would probably take 1-2 years to finish one huge bottle, but she did it in slightly less than a week. it was so bad that whenever i step into the house after work, the whole house would be filled with the hong you smell. and it was very choking. frankly, i never had such adverse reaction to the hong you smell until recently. initially i tried to accomodate her complains and try to see how i could help her. but eventually after observing her for sometime, i concluded it was due to her idle mind and that she was simply trying to get attention. her complaints increased signficantly after my 2nd sis went overseas couple of days back. and it further confirmed my suspicion that her idle mind was creating all these issues for her cos my second sis has been the one who would visit her in the day to get her her lunch and teabreak.this morning, she started throwing tantrums about her pains. she said it was unbearable and that she needed to see my family gp to get an injection. this has always been her belief - that my family gp was able to cure her of all pains cos he had done so before by giving her some injections. i was sure it was her mind again. over the past couple of years, whenever she complained of pain, the doctors (regardless of gp or the hospital) had always end up prescribing her with nothing more than panadol and that some doctors even suggested that it was psychological and that they could not do any further thing to help her. she kept on with her complaining and at one point, asked for me to give her taxi fare so that she could head to the gp herself. eventually, i gave in and drove her to the doctor. i decided that it would be easier to just drive her to the doctor and to fulfil her desire to see him.
this doctor had been my family's gp since the late 60's. he operated on me when i was 5years old. and when we moved to marine parade, we found that he had also opened a clinic there. and since then, we have gone to him whenever we need to consult a doctor. ok, back to the story. at the clinic, i explained to the doctor about her pain and all the history in pain management etc, and i told him that my mum claimed he could cure all her pains because he had done so before. he looked at me in my eyes, checked through his notes and told me this - that what he had previously given her was nothing more than vit b complex. there is really nothing more he could do because there is really nothing really wrong with her. he also shared that many elderly patients has similar complains and, like my mum, have the belief that doctors could do wonders for them. and he added that we should not underestimate this belief but have to go along with it as it would contribute directly to the patient's well-being. put simply, managing a patient's psychological well-being is part of the overall pain management strategy.
and with this, he looked at my mum and told her that he will once again give her the injection to make her strong (i noticed he did not say the injection will cure her of her pain). as he did so, he spoke of how good the medication was and how the one could smell the medication once the bottle is opened, etc. he then gave her the same vit b complex injection. as he administered the injection, i looked at my mum and for that moment, i felt sad for her... about 15min after the injection, as we sat at the coffee shop beside the clinic, my mum exclaimed in amazement how good the doctor and how effective the injection was. she then held out her palms, gave the twinkle twinkle little star gestures, and told me that all her pains had totally disappeared.
i looked at her. i kept quiet.
i continued drinking my coffee.
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
gay-hunt
last month, i chanced upon a friend's pic in fb. i had lost his contact couple of years back and was happy to see him again. he was one of the few gay military person i know back then and i had taken special efforts to keep in contact with him (as i did with a couple of others). somehow, i have this instinct to want to care and show concern for those who were in the same shoe as me - gay and in the military. and i would play mentor to them and guide them along the way as i strongly felt that as a senior, i could help guide them in their career and wherever possible, we could also support each other given the difficult and highly homophobic environment that gay service persons have to operate in (not in an activistic way but in a way where we can lent each other a listening ear whenever we face any tensions). this person was no exception despite the fact that he was rather nonchalant about our friendship. i supposed i was simply a friend of a friend. anyway, i kept in contact with him and would frequently ask about his well-being. that was until i lost my phone and all the contact details inside.so, you could imagine how happy i felt when i saw him in fb. without hesitation, i wrote him an email and asked how he had been. he did not reply until a week later. his reply sounded curt and unfriendly. he said something along the line of "don't pretend as tho you do not know how i am...". it was a rude shock to recieve such a kind of email from someone whom you had cared for and had monitored his well-being from afar. i replied simply - no, i do not know. i left service 2 years ago... i simply did not know where he was coming from nor what he meant by the hostile-sounding email.
i got his reply yesterday. when i read his reply, i understood straight away why he responded the way he did in my email to him. but on the same token, it made me sad and angry. sad because his email reflected his lack of trust in me, sad that he was naive enough to believe the lies put forth by his interrogators. and i was angry that words had been put in my mouth. words that wrongly led him to doubt my friendship. and worst still, words that reflect the freaking state of affairs the security personnel in the forces had resorted to as part of their witchhunt for gay servicemen! well, in his email reply, he said that they (altho he did not explicitly mention the security personnel, it was clear to me) had told him that it was i who outed him to them. wtf! if i had ever outed any of my military gay friends to them, may i die a horrible death right now! damned! talk about professionalism and integrity! f-u! (see! tell you i was, and still am, angry!)
unable to contain my emotions, i smsed another friend (another ex-service gay person) and told him about it. like me, he lamented about the state of things. and he added that he was not surprised about the naivety of this friend. i wished my friend well in my email reply and ended with a take care. i saw no need to explain myself too much. sighs... much as i wanted to put my past behind and move on, it is news like this that remind me of the past and i would get all flustered and angry again. how stupid of me to have given my life to them in the name of protecting the country. not only did they not thank me for my service, they even went so low as to use me to kill others. despicable people! f-ing despicable people!
sighs...
man am i glad i can see things clearly now.
Monday, 3 October 2011
memories of wild swans
i am going to do some aimless rantings in this post.
and these rantings came about following a short online/ sms conversation with a friend on friday evening. you see, just as he bade me good night, he shared that he would be heading back to read the book "wild swans" before retiring. hmmm, the title sounded familiar i thought. so, after our conversation ended, i googled the title and realized i had read the book some 7-8 years back (or perhaps even more?). and the image of the book reminded me of a couple of things...
i was with james back then. and that was the time where heading to the bookstore was a routine thing for us. we would head to either kinokuniya at taka, or borders at wheelock. yes, borders at wheelock. the one that recently closed (in a way, its closing marked another closure of a piece of my past). for james, he would head straight to either the gender studies section or the magazine section (he was a huge fan of entertainment weekly). as for me, i would usually hang around at the fiction, the self-help or the cooking/ recipe section... that was how we spend our evenings. reading.
talking about wild swans... well, i couldn't really recall the story per se. but it did remind me of a specific remark that james made one evening at kinokuniya. he remarked that i only read stories that depict lives of people (particularly women) during the period of the cultural revolution. heh heh... indeed i was. i supposed in a way, these stories reminded me of my mum's younger days. and through these stories, it also gave me a glimpse of what china was like during the revolution.
lastly, i was also reminded about how anal i was about spelling mistakes/ typo errors. you see, while reading the book, i noticed a couple of typo errors. and being someone who's rather anal about such mistakes, my first thoughts were - this is so unprofessional! how could the author possibly make such mistakes! i felt sufficiently disturbed to google for jung chang's email and wrote to her about it. i was rather surprised when i got her reply, but when i read her reply, i was totally unimpressed. she sounded super nonchalant about it, so below my expectations of a professional writer. well, i couldn't recall her exact words, but it went on something along the following tone... oh, it was no biggie, really... i mean, it's only a few words out of the whole book... damned! i thought, that was so unprofessional! she should have at least acknowledge the error and promised to change it in subsequent reprints. and she did not even thank me for reading her book! anyway, after that, i kinda lost my interest in jung chang's books...
:-)
and these rantings came about following a short online/ sms conversation with a friend on friday evening. you see, just as he bade me good night, he shared that he would be heading back to read the book "wild swans" before retiring. hmmm, the title sounded familiar i thought. so, after our conversation ended, i googled the title and realized i had read the book some 7-8 years back (or perhaps even more?). and the image of the book reminded me of a couple of things...
i was with james back then. and that was the time where heading to the bookstore was a routine thing for us. we would head to either kinokuniya at taka, or borders at wheelock. yes, borders at wheelock. the one that recently closed (in a way, its closing marked another closure of a piece of my past). for james, he would head straight to either the gender studies section or the magazine section (he was a huge fan of entertainment weekly). as for me, i would usually hang around at the fiction, the self-help or the cooking/ recipe section... that was how we spend our evenings. reading.
talking about wild swans... well, i couldn't really recall the story per se. but it did remind me of a specific remark that james made one evening at kinokuniya. he remarked that i only read stories that depict lives of people (particularly women) during the period of the cultural revolution. heh heh... indeed i was. i supposed in a way, these stories reminded me of my mum's younger days. and through these stories, it also gave me a glimpse of what china was like during the revolution.
lastly, i was also reminded about how anal i was about spelling mistakes/ typo errors. you see, while reading the book, i noticed a couple of typo errors. and being someone who's rather anal about such mistakes, my first thoughts were - this is so unprofessional! how could the author possibly make such mistakes! i felt sufficiently disturbed to google for jung chang's email and wrote to her about it. i was rather surprised when i got her reply, but when i read her reply, i was totally unimpressed. she sounded super nonchalant about it, so below my expectations of a professional writer. well, i couldn't recall her exact words, but it went on something along the following tone... oh, it was no biggie, really... i mean, it's only a few words out of the whole book... damned! i thought, that was so unprofessional! she should have at least acknowledge the error and promised to change it in subsequent reprints. and she did not even thank me for reading her book! anyway, after that, i kinda lost my interest in jung chang's books...
:-)
Sunday, 2 October 2011
7 nieces
yup, all-in-all, i have 7 nieces. yes, all nieces. not a single nephew... the first 6, of which the oldest should be 23 years of age this coming dec, are all children of my 2 elder sisters, while the youngest, just a little pass 1 year old, belongs my brother.
not too sure the reasons behind why all girls, but i am certainly not complaining. to me, all children are beautiful. it doesn't matter whether they are boys or girls, as long as they are healthy... then again, it would be nice to have a little boy for a change.
heh heh...
ps: and as for me, i have a female doggie! heh heh...
not too sure the reasons behind why all girls, but i am certainly not complaining. to me, all children are beautiful. it doesn't matter whether they are boys or girls, as long as they are healthy... then again, it would be nice to have a little boy for a change.
heh heh...
ps: and as for me, i have a female doggie! heh heh...
1 year old
have not met my niece for almost 2 months and when she first saw me this afternoon, i could see the apprehension in her eyes. but before i knew it, she warmed up to me and soon enough, she was literally crawling all over me! ahhhh... such an adorable 1-year old! (1 year and 2 weeks to be exact)... heh heh! missed her birthday but managed to buy her a gold anklet last evening. got it on for her after some tries and she was rather amused by the little bears and bells attached to it!
such an adorable girl!
:-)
such an adorable girl!
:-)
drinks
and i do not mean the physical act of drinking. i mean "drink" as in "alcohol-intake". well, after more than a year, i have started taking alcohol again. i stopped taking alcohol last august after listening to one venerable's sharing.
but of late, my body felt rather uneasy, the kind of uneasy where i could feel the "cold" from within. and so i thought, perhaps i should just try to take some alcohol to warm my inner core up. it might do my health some good. and so i started taking alcohol again. the first drink was when i visited sentosa 2 weekends ago. and i took some beer again over this weekend (ya... beer, so man right? so ah beng chek right? lolx) i actually down a bottle of heinekan over my pepper crab dinner on fri evening and can of asahi over my marutama ramen last evening!
and woh! my whole body literally heated up! now, i cannot really be sure it was the beer, but well, what the heck right? i felt heat coming right from within my core and i was literally hot! (no, not that kinda hot. i meant, temperature hot)... ha ha... and on both fri and sat nights, i ended up tossing and turning in bed through the night!
tsk tsk tsk!
ok, so... back to the issue of alcohol. now, do i feel i have broken my vow to observe my precept? no, i did not. i was in control. i took the alcohol in moderation. and what was most important, and the crux of the matter, was that the motivation to drink was not my attachment to wanting to feel "high from alcohol" aka drunk, it was for health reasons. and from that perspective, i thought, well, i am still managing and conducting myself well as a good and proper buddhist.
but of late, my body felt rather uneasy, the kind of uneasy where i could feel the "cold" from within. and so i thought, perhaps i should just try to take some alcohol to warm my inner core up. it might do my health some good. and so i started taking alcohol again. the first drink was when i visited sentosa 2 weekends ago. and i took some beer again over this weekend (ya... beer, so man right? so ah beng chek right? lolx) i actually down a bottle of heinekan over my pepper crab dinner on fri evening and can of asahi over my marutama ramen last evening!
and woh! my whole body literally heated up! now, i cannot really be sure it was the beer, but well, what the heck right? i felt heat coming right from within my core and i was literally hot! (no, not that kinda hot. i meant, temperature hot)... ha ha... and on both fri and sat nights, i ended up tossing and turning in bed through the night!
tsk tsk tsk!
ok, so... back to the issue of alcohol. now, do i feel i have broken my vow to observe my precept? no, i did not. i was in control. i took the alcohol in moderation. and what was most important, and the crux of the matter, was that the motivation to drink was not my attachment to wanting to feel "high from alcohol" aka drunk, it was for health reasons. and from that perspective, i thought, well, i am still managing and conducting myself well as a good and proper buddhist.
Saturday, 1 October 2011
happy children's day
happy children's day everyone!
don't let the child in you disappear, no matter how old you are! I strongly believe there're many characteristics of children that we need to retain as we grow older. and they include innocence, curiosity, dare, openness, and laughter. so, yes, on this children's day 2011, let us remind ourselves again of these characteristics, and go out, make friends, experience life, smile, and be happy!
bad uncle!
bad uncle! bad uncle!
omfg! i actually forgot about my niece's first birthday!
and i only remember it today! 2 weeks late! and to think that on that day itself, i was on leave to take my mum to the clinic (2 clinics for that matter!), and i congratulated one of my staff for being a father the fourth time round, and i thought - ooo, it's lky's birthday, etc... and i forgot about my niece!
yes...
bad uncle! bad uncle!
omfg! i actually forgot about my niece's first birthday!
and i only remember it today! 2 weeks late! and to think that on that day itself, i was on leave to take my mum to the clinic (2 clinics for that matter!), and i congratulated one of my staff for being a father the fourth time round, and i thought - ooo, it's lky's birthday, etc... and i forgot about my niece!
yes...
bad uncle! bad uncle!
Wednesday, 28 September 2011
winner!
we are all born winners, not losers!
cos that's how we started in our lives - from a winning champion sperm!
think about it!
:-)
cos that's how we started in our lives - from a winning champion sperm!
think about it!
:-)
Sunday, 25 September 2011
di bawah lindungan ka'bah
been a long while since i watched a malay/ indonesian show. and that was what we did earlier. we watched "di bawah lindungan ka'bah", an indonesian tragic love story set in padang in the 1920s. and i enjoyed the show, especially the kampong settings. reminded me so much about my childhood!
anyway, what i thought was interesting was that when we walked into the theatre, everyone inside turned their heads and looked at us like as though we have walked into the wrong show.... it was such a strong contrast from last time when i was a kid. we (non-malays) were literally walking in and out of the theatres watching malay shows! oooo, the era of p ramlee! heh heh... then again, i guessed over the years, the racial divide has become very distinct and very clear. it's the same in singapore and it's the same in malaysia. the only thing is that in singapore, we do not allow race politics to take centerstage and to allow it to divide us.
anyway, back to the show. yup, everyone we walked by stared at us. of course we acted blur, we continued our way, found our seats and sat down. a girl who's sitted two seats away stared at me and whispered to mum, and all too soon, the mum turned and looked at us. i found the whole reaction very amusing. and so, i turned my head, looked at the girl and the mum and just smile. and i laid back and simply relax. it's been a while since i watched a show. and i was not about to let the stares affect my evening! and yes, i enjoyed the show. and i must say, hj jenny rachman, who acted as the mother of hamid (lead actor played by herjunot ali), acted really well! and the guys who played arifin and saleh (played by tara budiman) were damned cute man! heh heh... and they were the supporting actors and not the lead actor!
:-)
anyway, what i thought was interesting was that when we walked into the theatre, everyone inside turned their heads and looked at us like as though we have walked into the wrong show.... it was such a strong contrast from last time when i was a kid. we (non-malays) were literally walking in and out of the theatres watching malay shows! oooo, the era of p ramlee! heh heh... then again, i guessed over the years, the racial divide has become very distinct and very clear. it's the same in singapore and it's the same in malaysia. the only thing is that in singapore, we do not allow race politics to take centerstage and to allow it to divide us.
anyway, back to the show. yup, everyone we walked by stared at us. of course we acted blur, we continued our way, found our seats and sat down. a girl who's sitted two seats away stared at me and whispered to mum, and all too soon, the mum turned and looked at us. i found the whole reaction very amusing. and so, i turned my head, looked at the girl and the mum and just smile. and i laid back and simply relax. it's been a while since i watched a show. and i was not about to let the stares affect my evening! and yes, i enjoyed the show. and i must say, hj jenny rachman, who acted as the mother of hamid (lead actor played by herjunot ali), acted really well! and the guys who played arifin and saleh (played by tara budiman) were damned cute man! heh heh... and they were the supporting actors and not the lead actor!
:-)
Saturday, 24 September 2011
interracial
i owe ooi2009 this little reflection... :-)
ooi2009 asked me for my views about interracial couples. well, my view is very simple and straight forward. it boils down to - as long as both parties involved are happy. does not matter what colour, shape, size, length, etc... key to it is - both parties must be happy. applies equally to everything we do right?
and in the context of interracial couples, let me expand my thoughts. i think we can discuss it from 2 different perspectives.
firstly, from the individual perspective, it boils down to how open and accepting we are about knowing the opposite party and how ready/ willing we are to embrace the unknown (culture, etc). with the right attitude and knowledge, race is no issue at all. everyone of us has our personal prejudices and preferences. for prejudices, it could be due to our knowledge (or the lack of it) about the race concerned. it is natural for us to associate what we deemed similar to us in a more favorable light. afterall, we humans are very tribal in our nature. we create layers of prejudices/ preferences based on different levels of familiarity/ fear. for example, a long time ago, even hokkiens and teochew do not mix or inter-marry. nowadays when the issue of ethnicity is less pronounced due to greater awareness of each other, and inter-ethnic couples has become the norm. my parents are the perfect example. my dad is pure hokkien and my mum is pure peranakan. in those days, inter-ethnic marriages, particularly between people who speak different languages, were rare. my dad speaks hokkien whereas my mum speaks peranakan malay and a heavily malay-accented hokkien. but they fell in love and went ahead and got married, much to the displeasure of my grands, especially my paternal grands. such tribal preferences/ tendencies are not different from what we see amongst the different tribes. it is very animalistic fundamentally based on our survival instinct. cos when faced with unknowns or unfamiliarity persons/ tribes, our first reflex and subconscious would tell us - no, don't do it, you may put yourself at risk. also, at the individual level, another angle to it could be - well, it depends on what i want out of the interaction - it is for the momentary pleasure (such as an ons), a boyfriend or a life partner? this is no different from the question of what a man looks for when he befriends a woman (in the straight world). a quick answer to that is usually - depends on whether he is looking for a girlfriend or a wife. heh heh...
secondly, from the societal perspective. again, i posit that the society is an extension of the self. some societies are more receptive to interracial couples while some others are not. it boils down to how open the society is. and usually it could be correlated to how connected the society is to the world. singapore used to frown big time on interracial marriages in the 60s/ 70s. but these days, with singapore being so connected to the world and singaporeans are so much or exposed, interracial marriages are rather common and no longer frowned upon. then again, regardless of whether the society is for or against, there would be individuals who would end up in interracial relationships. it is only a matter of whether these individuals are the exception or the norms. if they are the exception, they would have to be brave, thick skinned and probably conduct themselves in a manner that is more accepting by the public at large. if they are the norm, congrats to them.
hmmm... you can replace all the words "interracial" in what i have written above with the word "gay" and i am sure you will say, wow! how true! we gaymen are the "exceptions" in the society and are so misunderstood. sounds familiar? heh heh... end of the day, it is about the whole concept of how open we are about accepting what is deemed to be different from what we frame as "the norm". but sociatal norms do change and evolve over time. so... yup, the future for glbts in singapore looks positive! ok, back to the question - what are my views about interracial couples. my answer would be - as long as the individuals are happy. as for me personnally, well, i would say, it depends on for what. if it is for the sex, anytime man! haha! but if it is for a long term relationship, the reasons for me to go into it must be sufficiently compelling before i would do it cos chances are, there would be cultural issues, language barriers, etc that i might not be ready to embrace. but certainly, i will not frown on people if they choose to go for someone of a different race (regardless of whether they are gay or straight).
ok, ooi2009, hope i have answered your question!
:-)
photo from http://sohopolitico.blogspot.com/
my household tips
- when you sweep the floor, you sweep in the same direction of the wind. better still, sweep the floor when the wind is blowing in the direction of your open balcony! haha...
- when you wash or mop the floor, you start your washing/ mopping furthest away from the water source. this way, you will minimize having your wet feet step onto the cleaned floor.
- ever notice how dust and all sorts of things can get stuck onto your fan cage? well, you can minimize this by placing a fan mesh netting on the back of the fan. this way, the dust will be caught by the mesh and you can simply remove the mesh and wash it when it is dirty.
- if you use a double tier strainer rack to hold your plates etc by the sink, do you often get flustered when your lower tier keeps getting the water stains? and worst of all, if your strainer rack is made of stainless steel, there could be traces of rust forming? well, what you can do is to use the top rack more often, and on the lower rack, place a piece of cotton hankerchief to soak up the water. this will minimize the water stains on the lower rack.
- you wanna prevent cockcroaches, ants, or any other creepy crawlies in your kitchen cabinets? some people place pandan leaves in the cabinets. yes, it is effective, but you would need to keep changing the pandan leaves very often. alternatively, you can try placing a piece of cinnamon wood. works as well, and you need not change it for a long long time!
- ever wonder how to keep out the ants from your home? first of all, keep the house clean. and if there are sugary stuff (eg cough mixture, syrup, food, etc), you should either keep it in the fridge or if you place it in the open, keep the plate standing on a tray of water.
well, these are some of the tips you can use as part of upkeeping your house... way ranz!!! i am getting more and more auntie hor!?!?
:-)
60,000
my blog will be hitting 60,000 viewership by tomorrow latest. hmmm... then again, i was wondering - how many of these were due to my own viewing?
hahaha!
it's a milestone nonetheless!
:-)
hahaha!
it's a milestone nonetheless!
:-)
conflicting & stressed out
i sometimes think i am weird. conflicting. contradicting. here's some reasons why i say i am a conflicting person...
intraverted by nature, yet want to be extroverted. wants to talk, but cannot, cos my stupid head cannot think as fast as my mouth wants to say it due to my need to reflect. cannot think about complex issues on my feet or rather, i can - most of the time, but i have no confidence to say it out. worst still, many a times, when i say it out, it is either too late and that the war is over, or when i open my golden gap, i utter a whole lot of gibberish.
and such thoughts kept appearing in my mind over the last couple of months. or was i overly stressed out since assuming leadership of my unit. cos even before i was given the chance to fully run in, i was given a lot more responsibilities. i had been tasked to oversee a whole lot of matters at the group-level. and it seemed like my senior management had kept piling on more and more responsibilities on me. i have feedback to my immediate boss that it was too much too fast and too overwhelming and i have been getting more and more breathless of late, burnt out. and all he could say was - i was given all these cos i was viewed as being capable. so typically singaporean - can do, do more. and as to be expected, these added responsibilities did not come with added compensation! hmmmph! ok, back to the point about stress.
i took some assessment/ 360 feedback and i got a whole lot of good stuff written about me. but being me, i do not focus on the good stuff, that's not important. what i focused on was on the areas that i need to improve, and here's some of the items listed for me...
a very deep thinker - it is a good thing cos he doesn't say things out too fast. yet at the same time, the same set of people think i should talk more. hmmm... he is a systems person and tend to think things at a systems-level. hmmm, ok. yet, with such a habit, i end up getting sorely sidelined in the dog-eat-dog world. a systems person tend to see the company needs above his own needs. as such, many a times, his own needs takes a backstage and he ends up at the losing end, at least in the eyes of people. other common liners i get were - he (as in "i") is a very organisation person, very focused, organisation above self. but, he needs to focus more on his unit, he seemed to lack the drive in providing leadership to his own staff... he has a vision, but he needs to be able to get his staff to deliver what he wants to achieve. he is a deep thinker and is able to think through very complex and organisational issues very well, yet he needs to also try to be able to put them across in simple small pieces for his staff to be able to understand and execute them...
hmmm... with such feedback, it is as good as no feedback. it says a lot but says nothing. the issue was - with all the added group-level responsibilities, i was desperately trying to balance between the big and the small pieces at the same time! and when there was a need to prioritize, i would naturally put organization above self. so in the end, my unit will inevitably suffer right? and also, such feedback is not useful to me cos it did not tell me how i could do better? if my unit is screwed up, am i supposed to simply replace the whole lot of staff? i cannot. you cannot expect people who have been there for the longest time to suddenly change overnight right? you cannot expect me to change people suddenly without expecting the system to crash or morale to be affected right? you cannot expect me to change the company's culture overnight right? you cannot expect my staff's iq and mental capacities to suddenly increase right? worst still, you cannot expect me to set up company systems and at the same time change my unit culture within a short span of less than a year right?...
then again, these were feedback given by people outside my unit. as for my direct reports and indirect reports, their comments made me feel like a star! they seemed to worship me! hahaha... but well, as i said, i have focused on the areas i need to develop.
eeeee... i think i should just chill and not be too self-critical. another case of good habit that became a bad habit!
time to sleep.
cannot think too much!
:-)
intraverted by nature, yet want to be extroverted. wants to talk, but cannot, cos my stupid head cannot think as fast as my mouth wants to say it due to my need to reflect. cannot think about complex issues on my feet or rather, i can - most of the time, but i have no confidence to say it out. worst still, many a times, when i say it out, it is either too late and that the war is over, or when i open my golden gap, i utter a whole lot of gibberish.
and such thoughts kept appearing in my mind over the last couple of months. or was i overly stressed out since assuming leadership of my unit. cos even before i was given the chance to fully run in, i was given a lot more responsibilities. i had been tasked to oversee a whole lot of matters at the group-level. and it seemed like my senior management had kept piling on more and more responsibilities on me. i have feedback to my immediate boss that it was too much too fast and too overwhelming and i have been getting more and more breathless of late, burnt out. and all he could say was - i was given all these cos i was viewed as being capable. so typically singaporean - can do, do more. and as to be expected, these added responsibilities did not come with added compensation! hmmmph! ok, back to the point about stress.
i took some assessment/ 360 feedback and i got a whole lot of good stuff written about me. but being me, i do not focus on the good stuff, that's not important. what i focused on was on the areas that i need to improve, and here's some of the items listed for me...
a very deep thinker - it is a good thing cos he doesn't say things out too fast. yet at the same time, the same set of people think i should talk more. hmmm... he is a systems person and tend to think things at a systems-level. hmmm, ok. yet, with such a habit, i end up getting sorely sidelined in the dog-eat-dog world. a systems person tend to see the company needs above his own needs. as such, many a times, his own needs takes a backstage and he ends up at the losing end, at least in the eyes of people. other common liners i get were - he (as in "i") is a very organisation person, very focused, organisation above self. but, he needs to focus more on his unit, he seemed to lack the drive in providing leadership to his own staff... he has a vision, but he needs to be able to get his staff to deliver what he wants to achieve. he is a deep thinker and is able to think through very complex and organisational issues very well, yet he needs to also try to be able to put them across in simple small pieces for his staff to be able to understand and execute them...
hmmm... with such feedback, it is as good as no feedback. it says a lot but says nothing. the issue was - with all the added group-level responsibilities, i was desperately trying to balance between the big and the small pieces at the same time! and when there was a need to prioritize, i would naturally put organization above self. so in the end, my unit will inevitably suffer right? and also, such feedback is not useful to me cos it did not tell me how i could do better? if my unit is screwed up, am i supposed to simply replace the whole lot of staff? i cannot. you cannot expect people who have been there for the longest time to suddenly change overnight right? you cannot expect me to change people suddenly without expecting the system to crash or morale to be affected right? you cannot expect me to change the company's culture overnight right? you cannot expect my staff's iq and mental capacities to suddenly increase right? worst still, you cannot expect me to set up company systems and at the same time change my unit culture within a short span of less than a year right?...
then again, these were feedback given by people outside my unit. as for my direct reports and indirect reports, their comments made me feel like a star! they seemed to worship me! hahaha... but well, as i said, i have focused on the areas i need to develop.
eeeee... i think i should just chill and not be too self-critical. another case of good habit that became a bad habit!
time to sleep.
cannot think too much!
:-)
Friday, 23 September 2011
friday!
the week flew by! it's friday it's friday! it's the day when all the boys cum out to play! heh heh... well, just feeling cheerful on a friday evening!
:-)
:-)
Thursday, 22 September 2011
making friends
got to know a new friend recently. an unlikely friend for that matter. started off as a phone call referred by my hr dept.
:-)
hello ad!
ps: told bee abt this person 2 weeks ago and bee made a prediction - that we will end up being very good friends. hmmm...
:-)
hello ad!
ps: told bee abt this person 2 weeks ago and bee made a prediction - that we will end up being very good friends. hmmm...
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