i sometimes think i am weird. conflicting. contradicting. here's some reasons why i say i am a conflicting person...
intraverted by nature, yet want to be extroverted. wants to talk, but cannot, cos my stupid head cannot think as fast as my mouth wants to say it due to my need to reflect. cannot think about complex issues on my feet or rather, i can - most of the time, but i have no confidence to say it out. worst still, many a times, when i say it out, it is either too late and that the war is over, or when i open my golden gap, i utter a whole lot of gibberish.
and such thoughts kept appearing in my mind over the last couple of months. or was i overly stressed out since assuming leadership of my unit. cos even before i was given the chance to fully run in, i was given a lot more responsibilities. i had been tasked to oversee a whole lot of matters at the group-level. and it seemed like my senior management had kept piling on more and more responsibilities on me. i have feedback to my immediate boss that it was too much too fast and too overwhelming and i have been getting more and more breathless of late, burnt out. and all he could say was - i was given all these cos i was viewed as being capable. so typically singaporean - can do, do more. and as to be expected, these added responsibilities did not come with added compensation! hmmmph! ok, back to the point about stress.
i took some assessment/ 360 feedback and i got a whole lot of good stuff written about me. but being me, i do not focus on the good stuff, that's not important. what i focused on was on the areas that i need to improve, and here's some of the items listed for me...
a very deep thinker - it is a good thing cos he doesn't say things out too fast. yet at the same time, the same set of people think i should talk more. hmmm... he is a systems person and tend to think things at a systems-level. hmmm, ok. yet, with such a habit, i end up getting sorely sidelined in the dog-eat-dog world. a systems person tend to see the company needs above his own needs. as such, many a times, his own needs takes a backstage and he ends up at the losing end, at least in the eyes of people. other common liners i get were - he (as in "i") is a very organisation person, very focused, organisation above self. but, he needs to focus more on his unit, he seemed to lack the drive in providing leadership to his own staff... he has a vision, but he needs to be able to get his staff to deliver what he wants to achieve. he is a deep thinker and is able to think through very complex and organisational issues very well, yet he needs to also try to be able to put them across in simple small pieces for his staff to be able to understand and execute them...
hmmm... with such feedback, it is as good as no feedback. it says a lot but says nothing. the issue was - with all the added group-level responsibilities, i was desperately trying to balance between the big and the small pieces at the same time! and when there was a need to prioritize, i would naturally put organization above self. so in the end, my unit will inevitably suffer right? and also, such feedback is not useful to me cos it did not tell me how i could do better? if my unit is screwed up, am i supposed to simply replace the whole lot of staff? i cannot. you cannot expect people who have been there for the longest time to suddenly change overnight right? you cannot expect me to change people suddenly without expecting the system to crash or morale to be affected right? you cannot expect me to change the company's culture overnight right? you cannot expect my staff's iq and mental capacities to suddenly increase right? worst still, you cannot expect me to set up company systems and at the same time change my unit culture within a short span of less than a year right?...
then again, these were feedback given by people outside my unit. as for my direct reports and indirect reports, their comments made me feel like a star! they seemed to worship me! hahaha... but well, as i said, i have focused on the areas i need to develop.
eeeee... i think i should just chill and not be too self-critical. another case of good habit that became a bad habit!
time to sleep.
cannot think too much!
:-)
intraverted by nature, yet want to be extroverted. wants to talk, but cannot, cos my stupid head cannot think as fast as my mouth wants to say it due to my need to reflect. cannot think about complex issues on my feet or rather, i can - most of the time, but i have no confidence to say it out. worst still, many a times, when i say it out, it is either too late and that the war is over, or when i open my golden gap, i utter a whole lot of gibberish.
and such thoughts kept appearing in my mind over the last couple of months. or was i overly stressed out since assuming leadership of my unit. cos even before i was given the chance to fully run in, i was given a lot more responsibilities. i had been tasked to oversee a whole lot of matters at the group-level. and it seemed like my senior management had kept piling on more and more responsibilities on me. i have feedback to my immediate boss that it was too much too fast and too overwhelming and i have been getting more and more breathless of late, burnt out. and all he could say was - i was given all these cos i was viewed as being capable. so typically singaporean - can do, do more. and as to be expected, these added responsibilities did not come with added compensation! hmmmph! ok, back to the point about stress.
i took some assessment/ 360 feedback and i got a whole lot of good stuff written about me. but being me, i do not focus on the good stuff, that's not important. what i focused on was on the areas that i need to improve, and here's some of the items listed for me...
a very deep thinker - it is a good thing cos he doesn't say things out too fast. yet at the same time, the same set of people think i should talk more. hmmm... he is a systems person and tend to think things at a systems-level. hmmm, ok. yet, with such a habit, i end up getting sorely sidelined in the dog-eat-dog world. a systems person tend to see the company needs above his own needs. as such, many a times, his own needs takes a backstage and he ends up at the losing end, at least in the eyes of people. other common liners i get were - he (as in "i") is a very organisation person, very focused, organisation above self. but, he needs to focus more on his unit, he seemed to lack the drive in providing leadership to his own staff... he has a vision, but he needs to be able to get his staff to deliver what he wants to achieve. he is a deep thinker and is able to think through very complex and organisational issues very well, yet he needs to also try to be able to put them across in simple small pieces for his staff to be able to understand and execute them...
hmmm... with such feedback, it is as good as no feedback. it says a lot but says nothing. the issue was - with all the added group-level responsibilities, i was desperately trying to balance between the big and the small pieces at the same time! and when there was a need to prioritize, i would naturally put organization above self. so in the end, my unit will inevitably suffer right? and also, such feedback is not useful to me cos it did not tell me how i could do better? if my unit is screwed up, am i supposed to simply replace the whole lot of staff? i cannot. you cannot expect people who have been there for the longest time to suddenly change overnight right? you cannot expect me to change people suddenly without expecting the system to crash or morale to be affected right? you cannot expect me to change the company's culture overnight right? you cannot expect my staff's iq and mental capacities to suddenly increase right? worst still, you cannot expect me to set up company systems and at the same time change my unit culture within a short span of less than a year right?...
then again, these were feedback given by people outside my unit. as for my direct reports and indirect reports, their comments made me feel like a star! they seemed to worship me! hahaha... but well, as i said, i have focused on the areas i need to develop.
eeeee... i think i should just chill and not be too self-critical. another case of good habit that became a bad habit!
time to sleep.
cannot think too much!
:-)
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