silent undercurrents

it was a normal day just like any other days. and i would do that needful cleaning up of the house as per all weekends. but today, judging by the silence, it seemed like as though there was a lot of unsaid under currents. and i supposed it was becos of the issue over installing the buddha yesterday. well, at least this was my assumption.

i woke up this morning and noted that mum had cleared her room. weird, cos she always let me clean up her diapers and her sarongs daily. i walked to the living room and she was sitting at the sofa chanting. again, it did not seemed right cos she had stopped doing that for quite a while. and next thing i knew, she told me not to buy food for her. she did not want to eat. i sensed something wrong. i asked if i could get some simple breakfast for her. she again replied no. no need food for her cos she was very full. weird too. so i said ok, in that case, i will head to the market to buy food to prepare lunch instead. again, she said she would not be eating lunch. this got me rather flustered.

her not wanting lunch was significant to me cos previously she went into this mode, she wanted to starve herself with the hope that my bro could be "cleanse" off all the "black magic" that she believe my sister-in-law was putting on him. at that time, she also kept chanting and kept asking me to bring her to the temple. i was sure she was exhibiting the behaviour with the belief that it would solve some tensions of hers. and i was also certain this had something to do with me. and to have this happened the day after the tensions over the buddha, i didn't feel good. ok, i told myself. i shall not be taken hostage by her response. i told her ok, in that case, i will not go to the market since there was no longer the need to buy food. i felt so drained by her consistent behavioural changes. i walked into the kitchen, stood at the balcony and looked out. it felt right to end these tensions at that time. but well, sanity prevailed.

i went back to my room. i supposed mum was taken aback by my decision not to go head out for breakfast. she shouted out to me to go and buy food for myself, which of cos i told her i was not hungry. and since she didn't want to eat, there would not be the need to buy any food too. i supposed my response confused her. that was not the reaction she had expected i believe cos not too long after, she told me she wanted to cook porridge for lunch and that i should buy food for her to cook. sighs... what now, i thought. i was just too drained by her changes in reactions. quietly, i went to the kitchen and told her i would cook the porridge instead. and then i went back to lie in the bed. and as expected, not too long after, she hobbled to the kitchen to check on the porridge. it was not until about just before lunch that i got out of bed and head out to buy some food.

while outside, i decided to chill-off for a while at the coffee shop. i simply sat there for about 15min and stared blankly at the ceiling. it felt good to be away from the house, even if it was for that short moment. after that, i made my way home to prepare lunch for her.

i am feeling very tired now.

very very tired.