the call

a few days after having passed my qualifying interview for the masters program, i got a call. this call would be the start of a series of events that eventually became the defining moment of my service, one that shook me to my core and transformed my perception of the organisation that i had held so dear and had committed my life to.

it was one afternoon in apr 2005. i was at my desk settling some matters pertaining to some routine dk matters when the phone rang. a lady's voice came on. she sounded nice enough. hello, can i speak with (my rank & name)? i affirmed i was the person she was looking for... oh hi sir, i am (so and so) from the security department. can you come down to the department's office for an interview on (date & time)? at that very moment, i knew it was my turn. feigning ignorance (or rather, hoping against reality that it was not), i asked, what is this interview for? erm, oh, it's nothing, it's only a routine interview she replied. "routine" she said? my foot! no interviews by that department could ever be "routine". i had heard of people getting called up for "routine" interviews and i knew they were anything but "routine"... my heart pounded. we firmed up the interview date and i hung up.

once i hung up, i contacted d (who had been "interviewed" before) and told him about it. they called me, i said. he immediately knew what i meant. finally. yes, finally, it was my turn. i felt very uneasy. resigned. yet in a strange way, i bore hope that it would be a "routine" interview. on the other hand, since d's interview, i had psyched myself up for it. i had told myself that when my turn came, i would be honest about my sexuality. nothing beats being honest, i told myself. by then, it was clear to me that there was a systematic hunt going on for gay military persons. i knew my turn would come sooner or later.

read on the "interview" aka interogation....

pix from http://pinayabroad.wordpress.com/

wonderful singapore

a different perspective of singapore. and a look at the fireworks for this year's national day parade.

enjoy!

ps: and yes, do watch in hd and fullscreen to be able to enjoy the depth of the production!

wonders

amazing! reminds me of how insignificant we and our worldly desires and worries are.

ps: watch it in hd and fullscreen!

placebo effect

my mum has been making helluva lot of noise in recents days about painful joints at her hands and legs. and to help manage her pain, she would pull and bent her fingers non-stop through the day. in addition, she would pour the axe brand oil (hong you) onto her joints. her usage of the hong you was so high that she could finish 1 huge bottle a week. yup, a normal person would probably take 1-2 years to finish one huge bottle, but she did it in slightly less than a week. it was so bad that whenever i step into the house after work, the whole house would be filled with the hong you smell. and it was very choking. frankly, i never had such adverse reaction to the hong you smell until recently.  initially i tried to accomodate her complains and try to see how i could help her. but eventually after observing her for sometime, i concluded it was due to her idle mind and that she was simply trying to get attention. her complaints increased signficantly after my 2nd sis went overseas couple of days back. and it further confirmed my suspicion that her idle mind was creating all these issues for her cos my second sis has been the one who would visit her in the day to get her her lunch and teabreak.

this morning, she started throwing tantrums about her pains. she said it was unbearable and that she needed to see my family gp to get an injection. this has always been her belief - that my family gp was able to cure her of all pains cos he had done so before by giving her some injections. i was sure it was her mind again. over the past couple of years, whenever she complained of pain, the doctors (regardless of gp or the hospital) had always end up prescribing her with nothing more than panadol and that some doctors even suggested that it was psychological and that they could not do any further thing to help her. she kept on with her complaining and at one point, asked for me to give her taxi fare so that she could head to the gp herself. eventually, i gave in and drove her to the doctor. i decided that it would be easier to just drive her to the doctor and to fulfil her desire to see him.

this doctor had been my family's gp since the late 60's. he operated on me when i was 5years old. and when we moved to marine parade, we found that he had also opened a clinic there. and since then, we have gone to him whenever we need to consult a doctor. ok, back to the story. at the clinic, i explained to the doctor about her pain and all the history in pain management etc, and i told him that my mum claimed he could cure all her pains because he had done so before. he looked at me in my eyes, checked through his notes and told me this - that what he had previously given her was nothing more than vit b complex. there is really nothing more he could do because there is really nothing really wrong with her. he also shared that many elderly patients has similar complains and, like my mum, have the belief that doctors could do wonders for them. and he added that we should not underestimate this belief but have to go along with it as it would contribute directly to the patient's well-being. put simply, managing a patient's psychological well-being is part of the overall pain management strategy.

and with this, he looked at my mum and told her that he will once again give her the injection to make her strong (i noticed he did not say the injection will cure her of her pain). as he did so, he spoke of how good the medication was and how the one could smell the medication once the bottle is opened, etc. he then gave her the same vit b complex injection. as he administered the injection, i looked at my mum and for that moment, i felt sad for her... about 15min after the injection, as we sat at the coffee shop beside the clinic, my mum exclaimed in amazement how good the doctor and how effective the injection was. she then held out her palms, gave the twinkle twinkle little star gestures, and told me that all her pains had totally disappeared.

i looked at her. i kept quiet.

i continued drinking my coffee.

gay-hunt

last month, i chanced upon a friend's pic in fb. i had lost his contact couple of years back and was happy to see him again. he was one of the few gay military person i know back then and i had taken special efforts to keep in contact with him (as i did with a couple of others). somehow, i have this instinct to want to care and show concern for those who were in the same shoe as me - gay and in the military. and i would play mentor to them and guide them along the way as i strongly felt that as a senior, i could help guide them in their career and wherever possible, we could also support each other given the difficult and highly homophobic environment that gay service persons have to operate in (not in an activistic way but in a way where we can lent each other a listening ear whenever we face any tensions). this person was no exception despite the fact that he was rather nonchalant about our friendship. i supposed i was simply a friend of a friend. anyway, i kept in contact with him and would frequently ask about his well-being. that was until i lost my phone and all the contact details inside.

so, you could imagine how happy i felt when i saw him in fb. without hesitation, i wrote him an email and asked how he had been. he did not reply until a week later. his reply sounded curt and unfriendly. he said something along the line of "don't pretend as tho you do not know how i am...". it was a rude shock to recieve such a kind of email from someone whom you had cared for and had monitored his well-being from afar. i replied simply - no, i do not know. i left service 2 years ago... i simply did not know where he was coming from nor what he meant by the hostile-sounding email.

i got his reply yesterday. when i read his reply, i understood straight away why he responded the way he did in my email to him. but on the same token, it made me sad and angry. sad because his email reflected his lack of trust in me, sad that he was naive enough to believe the lies put forth by his interrogators. and i was angry that words had been put in my mouth. words that wrongly led him to doubt my friendship. and worst still, words that reflect the freaking state of affairs the security personnel in the forces had resorted to as part of their witchhunt for gay servicemen! well, in his email reply, he said that they (altho he did not explicitly mention the security personnel, it was clear to me) had told him that it was i who outed him to them. wtf! if i had ever outed any of my military gay friends to them, may i die a horrible death right now! damned! talk about professionalism and integrity! f-u! (see! tell you i was, and still am, angry!)

unable to contain my emotions, i smsed another friend (another ex-service gay person) and told him about it. like me, he lamented about the state of things. and he added that he was not surprised about the naivety of this friend. i wished my friend well in my email reply and ended with a take care. i saw no need to explain myself too much. sighs... much as i wanted to put my past behind and move on, it is news like this that remind me of the past and i would get all flustered and angry again. how stupid of me to have given my life to them in the name of protecting the country. not only did they not thank me for my service, they even went so low as to use me to kill others. despicable people! f-ing despicable people!

sighs...

man am i glad i can see things clearly now.

memories of wild swans

i am going to do some aimless rantings in this post.

and these rantings came about following a short online/ sms conversation with a friend on friday evening. you see, just as he bade me good night, he shared that he would be heading back to read the book "wild swans" before retiring. hmmm, the title sounded familiar i thought. so, after our conversation ended, i googled the title and realized i had read the book some 7-8 years back (or perhaps even more?). and the image of the book reminded me of a couple of things...

i was with james back then. and that was the time where heading to the bookstore was a routine thing for us. we would head to either kinokuniya at taka, or borders at wheelock. yes, borders at wheelock. the one that recently closed (in a way, its closing marked another closure of a piece of my past). for james, he would head straight to either the gender studies section or the magazine section (he was a huge fan of entertainment weekly). as for me, i would usually hang around at the fiction, the self-help or the cooking/ recipe section... that was how we spend our evenings. reading.

talking about wild swans... well, i couldn't really recall the story per se. but it did remind me of a specific remark that james made one evening at kinokuniya. he remarked that i only read stories that depict lives of people (particularly women) during the period of the cultural revolution. heh heh... indeed i was. i supposed in a way, these stories reminded me of my mum's younger days. and through these stories, it also gave me a glimpse of what china was like during the revolution.

lastly, i was also reminded about how anal i was about spelling mistakes/ typo errors. you see, while reading the book, i noticed a couple of typo errors. and being someone who's rather anal about such mistakes, my first thoughts were - this is so unprofessional! how could the author possibly make such mistakes! i felt sufficiently disturbed to google for jung chang's email and wrote to her about it. i was rather surprised when i got her reply, but when i read her reply, i was totally unimpressed. she sounded super nonchalant about it, so below my expectations of a professional writer. well, i couldn't recall her exact words, but it went on something along the following tone... oh, it was no biggie, really... i mean, it's only a few words out of the whole book... damned! i thought, that was so unprofessional! she should have at least acknowledge the error and promised to change it in subsequent reprints. and she did not even thank me for reading her book! anyway, after that, i kinda lost my interest in jung chang's books...

:-)

7 nieces

yup, all-in-all, i have 7 nieces. yes, all nieces. not a single nephew... the first 6, of which the oldest should be 23 years of age this coming dec, are all children of my 2 elder sisters, while the youngest, just a little pass 1 year old, belongs my brother.

not too sure the reasons behind why all girls, but i am certainly not complaining. to me, all children are beautiful. it doesn't matter whether they are boys or girls, as long as they are healthy... then again, it would be nice to have a little boy for a change.

heh heh...

ps: and as for me, i have a female doggie! heh heh...

1 year old

have not met my niece for almost 2 months and when she first saw me this afternoon, i could see the apprehension in her eyes. but before i knew it, she warmed up to me and soon enough, she was literally crawling all over me! ahhhh... such an adorable 1-year old! (1 year and 2 weeks to be exact)... heh heh! missed her birthday but managed to buy her a gold anklet last evening.  got it on for her after some tries and she was rather amused by the little bears and bells attached to it!

such an adorable girl!

:-)

drinks

and i do not mean the physical act of drinking. i mean "drink" as in "alcohol-intake". well, after more than a year, i have started taking alcohol again. i stopped taking alcohol last august after listening to one venerable's sharing.

but of late, my body felt rather uneasy, the kind of uneasy where i could feel the "cold" from within. and so i thought, perhaps i should just try to take some alcohol to warm my inner core up. it might do my health some good. and so i started taking alcohol again. the first drink was when i visited sentosa 2 weekends ago. and i took some beer again over this weekend (ya... beer, so man right? so ah beng chek right? lolx) i actually down a bottle of heinekan over my pepper crab dinner on fri evening and can of asahi over my marutama ramen last evening!

and woh! my whole body literally heated up! now, i cannot really be sure it was the beer, but well, what the heck right? i felt heat coming right from within my core and i was literally hot! (no, not that kinda hot. i meant, temperature hot)... ha ha... and on both fri and sat nights, i ended up tossing and turning in bed through the night!

tsk tsk tsk!

ok, so... back to the issue of alcohol. now, do i feel i have broken my vow to observe my precept? no, i did not. i was in control. i took the alcohol in moderation. and what was most important, and the crux of the matter, was that the motivation to drink was not my attachment to wanting to feel "high from alcohol" aka drunk, it was for health reasons. and from that perspective, i thought, well, i am still managing and conducting myself well as a good and proper buddhist.

happy children's day

happy children's day everyone!

don't let the child in you disappear, no matter how old you are! I strongly believe there're many characteristics of children that we need to retain as we grow older. and they include innocence, curiosity, dare, openness, and laughter. so, yes, on this children's day 2011, let us remind ourselves again of these characteristics, and go out, make friends, experience life, smile, and be happy!

bad uncle!

bad uncle! bad uncle!

omfg! i actually forgot about my niece's first birthday!

and i only remember it today! 2 weeks late! and to think that on that day itself, i was on leave to take my mum to the clinic (2 clinics for that matter!), and i congratulated one of my staff for being a father the fourth time round, and i thought - ooo, it's lky's birthday, etc... and i forgot about my niece!

yes...

bad uncle! bad uncle!

winner!

we are all born winners, not losers!

cos that's how we started in our lives - from a winning champion sperm!

think about it!

:-)

di bawah lindungan ka'bah

been a long while since i watched a malay/ indonesian show. and that was what we did earlier. we watched "di bawah lindungan ka'bah", an indonesian tragic love story set in padang in the 1920s. and i enjoyed the show, especially the kampong settings. reminded me so much about my childhood!

anyway, what i thought was interesting was that when we walked into the theatre, everyone inside turned their heads and looked at us like as though we have walked into the wrong show.... it was such a strong contrast from last time when i was a kid. we (non-malays) were literally walking in and out of the theatres watching malay shows! oooo, the era of p ramlee! heh heh... then again, i guessed over the years, the racial divide has become very distinct and very clear. it's the same in singapore and it's the same in malaysia. the only thing is that in singapore, we do not allow race politics to take centerstage and to allow it to divide us.

anyway, back to the show. yup, everyone we walked by stared at us. of course we acted blur, we continued our way, found our seats and sat down. a girl who's sitted two seats away stared at me and whispered to mum, and all too soon, the mum turned and looked at us. i found the whole reaction very amusing. and so, i turned my head, looked at the girl and the mum and just smile. and i laid back and simply relax. it's been a while since i watched a show. and i was not about to let the stares affect my evening! and yes, i enjoyed the show. and i must say, hj jenny rachman, who acted as the mother of hamid (lead actor played by herjunot ali), acted really well! and the guys who played arifin and saleh (played by tara budiman) were damned cute man! heh heh... and they were the supporting actors and not the lead actor!

:-)

interracial

i owe ooi2009 this little reflection... :-)

ooi2009 asked me for my views about interracial couples. well, my view is very simple and straight forward. it boils down to - as long as both parties involved are happy. does not matter what colour, shape, size, length, etc... key to it is - both parties must be happy. applies equally to everything we do right?

and in the context of interracial couples, let me expand my thoughts. i think we can discuss it from 2 different perspectives.

firstly, from the individual perspective, it boils down to how open and accepting we are about knowing the opposite party and how ready/ willing we are to embrace the unknown (culture, etc). with the right attitude and knowledge, race is no issue at all. everyone of us has our personal prejudices and preferences. for prejudices, it could be due to our knowledge (or the lack of it) about the race concerned. it is natural for us to associate what we deemed similar to us in a more favorable light. afterall, we humans are very tribal in our nature. we create layers of prejudices/ preferences based on different levels of familiarity/ fear. for example, a long time ago, even hokkiens and teochew do not mix or inter-marry. nowadays when the issue of ethnicity is less pronounced due to greater awareness of each other, and inter-ethnic couples has become the norm. my parents are the perfect example. my dad is pure hokkien and my mum is pure peranakan. in those days, inter-ethnic marriages, particularly between people who speak different languages, were rare. my dad speaks hokkien whereas my mum speaks peranakan malay and a heavily malay-accented hokkien. but they fell in love and went ahead and got married, much to the displeasure of my grands, especially my paternal grands. such tribal preferences/ tendencies are not different from what we see amongst the different tribes. it is very animalistic fundamentally based on our survival instinct. cos when faced with unknowns or unfamiliarity persons/ tribes, our first reflex and subconscious would tell us - no, don't do it, you may put yourself at risk. also, at the individual level, another angle to it could be - well, it depends on what i want out of the interaction - it is for the momentary pleasure (such as an ons), a boyfriend or a life partner? this is no different from the question of what a man looks for when he befriends a woman (in the straight world). a quick answer to that is usually - depends on whether he is looking for a girlfriend or a wife. heh heh...

secondly, from the societal perspective. again, i posit that the society is an extension of the self. some societies are more receptive to interracial couples while some others are not. it boils down to how open the society is. and usually it could be correlated to how connected the society is to the world. singapore used to frown big time on interracial marriages in the 60s/ 70s. but these days, with singapore being so connected to the world and singaporeans are so much or exposed, interracial marriages are rather common and no longer frowned upon. then again, regardless of whether the society is for or against, there would be individuals who would end up in interracial relationships. it is only a matter of whether these individuals are the exception or the norms. if they are the exception, they would have to be brave, thick skinned and probably conduct themselves in a manner that is more accepting by the public at large. if they are the norm, congrats to them.

hmmm... you can replace all the words "interracial" in what i have written above with the word "gay" and i am sure you will say, wow! how true! we gaymen are the "exceptions" in the society and are so misunderstood. sounds familiar? heh heh... end of the day, it is about the whole concept of how open we are about accepting what is deemed to be different from what we frame as "the norm". but sociatal norms do change and evolve over time. so... yup, the future for glbts in singapore looks positive! ok, back to the question - what are my views about interracial couples. my answer would be - as long as the individuals are happy. as for me personnally, well, i would say, it depends on for what. if it is for the sex, anytime man! haha! but if it is for a long term relationship, the reasons for me to go into it must be sufficiently compelling before i would do it cos chances are, there would be cultural issues, language barriers, etc that i might not be ready to embrace. but certainly, i will not frown on people if they choose to go for someone of a different race (regardless of whether they are gay or straight).

ok, ooi2009, hope i have answered your question!

:-)

photo from http://sohopolitico.blogspot.com/

my household tips

somethings that crossed my mind as i undertake my routine housework this morning!

• when you sweep the floor, you sweep in the same direction of the wind. better still, sweep the floor when the wind is blowing in the direction of your open balcony! haha...

• when you wash or mop the floor, you start your washing/ mopping furthest away from the water source. this way, you will minimize having your wet feet step onto the cleaned floor.

• ever notice how dust and all sorts of things can get stuck onto your fan cage? well, you can minimize this by placing a fan mesh netting on the back of the fan. this way, the dust will be caught by the mesh and you can simply remove the mesh and wash it when it is dirty.

• if you use a double tier strainer rack to hold your plates etc by the sink, do you often get flustered when your lower tier keeps getting the water stains? and worst of all, if your strainer rack is made of stainless steel, there could be traces of rust forming? well, what you can do is to use the top rack more often, and on the lower rack, place a piece of cotton hankerchief to soak up the water. this will minimize the water stains on the lower rack.

• you wanna prevent cockcroaches, ants, or any other creepy crawlies in your kitchen cabinets? some people place pandan leaves in the cabinets. yes, it is effective, but you would need to keep changing the pandan leaves very often. alternatively, you can try placing a piece of cinnamon wood. works as well, and you need not change it for a long long time!

• ever wonder how to keep out the ants from your home? first of all, keep the house clean. and if there are sugary stuff (eg cough mixture, syrup, food, etc), you should either keep it in the fridge or if you place it in the open, keep the plate standing on a tray of water.

well, these are some of the tips you can use as part of upkeeping your house... way ranz!!! i am getting more and more auntie hor!?!?

:-)

60,000

my blog will be hitting 60,000 viewership by tomorrow latest. hmmm... then again, i was wondering - how many of these were due to my own viewing?

hahaha!

it's a milestone nonetheless!

:-)

conflicting & stressed out

i sometimes think i am weird. conflicting. contradicting. here's some reasons why i say i am a conflicting person...

intraverted by nature, yet want to be extroverted. wants to talk, but cannot, cos my stupid head cannot think as fast as my mouth wants to say it due to my need to reflect. cannot think about complex issues on my feet or rather, i can - most of the time, but i have no confidence to say it out. worst still, many a times, when i say it out, it is either too late and that the war is over, or when i open my golden gap, i utter a whole lot of gibberish.

and such thoughts kept appearing in my mind over the last couple of months. or was i overly stressed out since assuming leadership of my unit. cos even before i was given the chance to fully run in, i was given a lot more responsibilities. i had been tasked to oversee a whole lot of matters at the group-level. and it seemed like my senior management had kept piling on more and more responsibilities on me. i have feedback to my immediate boss that it was too much too fast and too overwhelming and i have been getting more and more breathless of late, burnt out. and all he could say was - i was given all these cos i was viewed as being capable. so typically singaporean - can do, do more. and as to be expected, these added responsibilities did not come with added compensation! hmmmph! ok, back to the point about stress.

i took some assessment/ 360 feedback and i got a whole lot of good stuff written about me. but being me, i do not focus on the good stuff, that's not important. what i focused on was on the areas that i need to improve, and here's some of the items listed for me...

a very deep thinker - it is a good thing cos he doesn't say things out too fast. yet at the same time, the same set of people think i should talk more. hmmm... he is a systems person and tend to think things at a systems-level. hmmm, ok. yet, with such a habit, i end up getting sorely sidelined in the dog-eat-dog world. a systems person tend to see the company needs above his own needs. as such, many a times, his own needs takes a backstage and he ends up at the losing end, at least in the eyes of people. other common liners i get were - he (as in "i") is a very organisation person, very focused, organisation above self. but, he needs to focus more on his unit, he seemed to lack the drive in providing leadership to his own staff... he has a vision, but he needs to be able to get his staff to deliver what he wants to achieve. he is a deep thinker and is able to think through very complex and organisational issues very well, yet he needs to also try to be able to put them across in simple small pieces for his staff to be able to understand and execute them...

hmmm... with such feedback, it is as good as no feedback. it says a lot but says nothing. the issue was - with all the added group-level responsibilities, i was desperately trying to balance between the big and the small pieces at the same time! and when there was a need to prioritize, i would naturally put organization above self. so in the end, my unit will inevitably suffer right? and also, such feedback is not useful to me cos it did not tell me how i could do better? if my unit is screwed up, am i supposed to simply replace the whole lot of staff? i cannot. you cannot expect people who have been there for the longest time to suddenly change overnight right? you cannot expect me to change people suddenly without expecting the system to crash or morale to be affected right? you cannot expect me to change the company's culture overnight right? you cannot expect my staff's iq and mental capacities to suddenly increase right? worst still, you cannot expect me to set up company systems and at the same time change my unit culture within a short span of less than a year right?...

then again, these were feedback given by people outside my unit. as for my direct reports and indirect reports, their comments made me feel like a star! they seemed to worship me! hahaha... but well, as i said, i have focused on the areas i need to develop.

eeeee... i think i should just chill and not be too self-critical. another case of good habit that became a bad habit!

time to sleep.

cannot think too much!

:-)

friday!

the week flew by! it's friday it's friday! it's the day when all the boys cum out to play! heh heh... well, just feeling cheerful on a friday evening!

:-)

making friends

got to know a new friend recently. an unlikely friend for that matter. started off as a phone call referred by my hr dept.

:-)

hello ad!

ps: told bee abt this person 2 weeks ago and bee made a prediction - that we will end up being very good friends. hmmm...

biohazard

was at the dentist yesterday morning and as i waited, a lady walked out of the consultation room. she went up to the reception and said something. i could hardly hear what she said. next thing i knew, the dentist emerged from the consultation room and said oh, mrs so and so, i understand you wanted your tooth back (i think the dentist said "tooth"). but actually, i have discarded it and it is quite dirty, you sure you want it back? the woman nodded. ok, ok, will get it for you. i will put it in the biohazard bag. it's quite dirty ok? so please make sure you do not take it out of the biohazard bag ya? keep it in the biohazard bag ya?

i thought he emphasized the words "biohazard bag" a little too often. and clearly, the lady seemed to understand the importance of his emphasis and responded with a very serious nod and an ok. then the dentist turned his head into the consultation room and shouted, ok, ok put it inside the ziploc bag!

i almost burst out laughing at that moment. haha... well, i have full confidence in the dentist and understood what he meant when he said "biohazard bag". and with so many repetitions of the term "biohazard bag", i had pictured the "biohazard bag" to be some big time dangerous looking container. so...

hahaha, i should have known better.

:-)

dental check-up

i finally went for my dental check up after more than a year and a half. felt guilty about it. should have done it on a 6-monthly basis. anyway, i visited the dentist yesterday morning. i simply walked in, asked for a slot for scaling to be done on the spot. i was surprised they actually accomodated my request!

walked into the room and the dentist made some small talk... he went on about how i should do my check up once every half yearly and la la la... and then asked if i smoke. hmmm, no i replied and i quickly added, i drink coffee. i sensed where he was coming from from that question. yup, dentist trying to do small talk but in actual fact trying to establish possible causes behind what he saw - stained teeth. and i was right, he was quick to add, yup, i am a coffee drinker too. one of those little pleasures in our life that we should not deny ourselves, life is too short for that. he continued, no worries, we'll get the stain off in no time... see! just as i thought!

in all, the scaling was done very quickly and well. the dentist took some x-rays and then after all the scaling and stuff told me that he found 4 cavities. need to touch up he said. i agreed and he went about doing the needful. in all, the treatment was very well done and the experience was good... until... i walked out, and the reception came up to me, did a quick calculation and pass me the bill... sgd340!

aiyoh... painful man... but well... no choice...

:-)

so ungay

bee made a comment this morning on our way back from breakfast. he said i was the most ungay gay person around. hmmm... interesting yet highly conflicting comment, considering how he said many times before that one look at me, even the dead would be able to know i am gay (i was so sure he was joking when he said that)... curious, i asked him why and he explained... you see, your dressing, the way you carry yourself, the way you talk, the way you about doing things in life... all so unlike a "typical" gay person. and he added but of cos, if a person knows you well enough, he will surely know you are gay. with all your patterns, so unexpected... looked so serious yet when alone so full of nonsense and he went on but one thing is for sure, once you wear your batik shirt, you look so so so gay!

heh heh... i took that as a great compliment!

of cos la, like what my mum always say, when she wears her kebaya, she must carry herself like a nonya, must gelek gelek a bit. it is part of the overall respect and de corum she needs to accord to the traditional dress. and in the case of the batik for me, it is very much the same. i take pride and joy in wearing the batik. and when i do, i take great pains to make sure i can carry the batik well. the patterns of my batik must first suit my personality. floral, traditional yet modern. and before wearing it, it must be well pressed. and of cos, for me, i complete the whole look by wearing a nice scent, shine my leather shoes and make sure my hair is well in place. these are some of the most basic things i, a respectable son of a nonya, must do when i wear the batik.

:-)

disappointing experience

bee and i were so caught up and drained over the last couple of weeks over our own family affairs and we decided to do something different yesterday. or rather, i was so damned tired, i needed a break from the saturday routines of dinner and shopping. and so we decided to just drive and decide along the way. in the end, we ended up in sentosa resorts world singapore (rws for short). we wandered about rws, and finally decided to dine at an american dining cafe place. food was rather so so i must say. and as i said, i wanted a break and so, after going alcohol-less for a year, i decided to take a glass of red wine. nope, i did not feel guilty about it. it was just, ok, i need a glass of wine and i just ordered it. what we both found disappointing and terribly pissed off about was what happened after dinner.

you see, we thought it would be nice to catch the lake of dreams light/ laser performance. the show was scheduled to start at 9.30pm and when we arrived, it was just slightly before 9pm. we decided to wait out the half hour by sitting at the spectator stand. after all, we have made our way all the way to sentosa... while waiting we mused about how the place has so many mainland chinese, malaysians, etc. and before we knew it, a mainland china lady and her family came up to me and squeezed in their butts... hmmm, i thought, so much for courtesy. ok, never mind, let's be magnaminous and let them have their space. but before i could even give myself more space, a lone south asian came up to me and asked me if i could give him some space. but before i could even answer, he poked his butt between me and madam china. wah ranz... china and india combined to topple the world! tsk tsk tsk...

9.15pm. we continue sitting and waiting patiently. and as i waited, i decided to check out what the performance was about on youtube. didn't seemed quite exciting i thought. showed it to bee. he too was not too impressed. bee asked if we should make a move. never mind i said. since we were there and had waited for over 15min, we might as well wait for the show.

9.20pm. the lights dimmed. and the water mist started flowing out of the structures. everyone was like going wa... woo... and china lady seemed more excited than her grand-daughter judging by her constant ooos and ahhhs... other than that, nothing happened.

9.25pm, the voice over came on. welcome to the lake of dreams, it blasted... and it went on to give some introductory lines. other than that, again, nothing much happened. the music continued.

9.30pm, and the voice over started talking again. this time round, it sounded a little livelier. the show had started, we all thought and straightened our backs as we anticipated the lake spouting water, shooting lasers and spewing fires. but even as we held our breath, nothing happened. the music became louder, so too the voice as it went on and on and on about the power of the earth, the air, the etc... yet, nothing seemed to be happening. the voice continued about yellow and green dragons and fires, etc... still, nothing happened. the pitch of the voice as well as the music started to crescendo... nothing happened. and it continued about whales... the sound system started playing some whale calls, but visually, nothing actually happened.

hmmm, we decided and concluded - the show was screwed up. we stood up and walked off. everyone else was still there. staring blankly into the water fountain and expecting for something to happen. still, nothing did. and strangely, i suspected some people didn't know the show had cocked-up. the rude china lady was still cooing and ahhing away... (despite nothing happening) and south asian was still clicking away his camera. other than that, lots of people were looking left and right. staring at each other and wondering what the fuck happened (or rather, did not happen).

disappointing. disgraceful. not what one would expect of rws. pui!

we left sentosa after that. might as well. with everyone else waiting at the lake of dreams (nightmare i thought), we managed to leave the car park without any jams.

:-)

chong

bee told me that his ex (the one whom he was with before me) emailed him after all these years and asked him to meet up for a meal. he said it was weird cos they have not kept in contact all these years and it was only recently that they have resumed contacting each other.

well, go ahead, i said. go meet up. have a meal. make friends with him. and will you end up in bed with him? i teased him... heh heh...

i supposed bee was afraid i might get jealous. or that perhaps i would feel insecure. am i worried? hmmm... i wouldn't say no per se. but heck, what's a meal right? let's put it this way, if his heart is here with me, what's there to be worried about? today, it might be chong, tomorrow, it might be another person on the street. there are just so many men out there that could possibly make him change his heart all these years. it's an open world. and it was also very obvious that he has been eyeing other men while we go out. but looking at people is free right? i do too. so what's the issue. as long as his heart is in the right place. and if he thinks he wants to move on for whatever reasons, he is free to do so. i can't stop him. so... on the positive side, if he and chong can be friends again, who knows, perhaps, next time, i can also be friends with chong. and we can look back and laugh about things.

go, i told him. go meet up. perhaps, chong needs a closure. perhaps, he needs to know the real reasons why bee broke off with him. for me, if james wants to meet up for a dinner, i would be most happy.

so...

:-)

relationship manager

one day 2 weeks ago, one of the ocbc bank's relationship manager called me up and told me i qualified to be upgraded to premier banking. she then asked me if i am ok for her to proceed processing the upgrade. i need to do nothing. i said ok. and then she asked to pay the bank a visit so that she could introduce some products to me. well... ok, i said.

i visited the bank subsequently and she did a quick survey about my banking habits. i could see she was trying to know whether i have other banking accounts with other banks, etc. of cos, i replied and quickly she added ahhh... yes, yes, i do too. in fact most of my savings are kept in my uob bank accounts...

hmmm, interesting i thought. in that few words, you - an ocbc bank relationship manager - have just suggested to your customer that you do not believe nor trust your own employer enough to park your own savings in your own bank. what more can you expect your customer to trust you to manage his monies?

hahaha...

:-)

motivation

fear is a very strong motivator

agree?

i do.

sinseh

this is how my back looked like after visiting the sinseh to relax my twisted neck and solve my aching back problem...

:-)

shirt-making

i went to the shopping center to make my business clothes today. and the way the measurements were taken, it felt like the tailor actually made full use of the opportunity to feel my body! he was using his hand to feel my body, my chest, la la la... and he even commented that oooh, you exercise a lot right? etc... and after that whole measurement taking, bee said - ya! i can see he was molesting you!

but well, of course i was not complaining la... i took it in stride. afterall, this is part of the process of getting a nice fitting shirt done right?

heh heh...

:-)

being cruised

today, i went to the pool during lunchtime for a tan and woh... i kenah cruised by someone, a celebrity for that matter. i told bee about it and he said, ya, he has also heard about this person cruising people at the pool. and then bee added another remark. he said that this celebrity has no quality control, he cruises anyone that has a dick...

ya right. my bee has indirectly slimed me without realizing it!

damned!

haha!

normalizing

been a week plus since the tension broke up between mum and myself. and i must say, over the week, she had been more than co-operative and "obedient" in many things. for examples, in the immediate few days after that incident, she would clear up her own mess when she wakes up (such as putting her clothes in the laundry pail in the kitchen, throw away her own soiled diapers, etc...) instead of relying on me to do it for her. she would make her own breakfast, boil her own water, clear her own mess, wash her own cups, etc... these were all things that she would usually rely on me to do, herself choosing to just sit on the sofa and not move. for much of these, i did not say anything cos to me, she's showing the initiative to move a little, and that was a good thing as it forces her to do some much needed exercise. so, for most of the week, i left her alone to do what she needed to do. as for me, apart from what i need to do (eg give her her medication, wear her diapers for her, etc), i kept to myself most of the time. and she learned to leave me alone and not to ask me to do anything.

but of cos, i also know from my sister that while she had avoided asking me to do things for her, she had instead pressured my sis instead. interestingly, today, my sis told me that she had taught mum how to charge her phone and that my mum dare not ask me to teach her for fear of me scolding her... that got me wondering. have i been so harsh on her? certainly, from my perspective, i don't think so... then again, from her perspective, perhaps... or perhaps in my answers to some of her questions, i might have said things that made her think so.

and talking about this, i remembered a couple of things. over the last weekend, i noticed a couple of ants crawling on her bedroom floor amongst her soiled clothes and diapers. and when i looked around, i also noticed lots of ants crawling all over the coffee table in the living room - the table where she placed her medications, drinks, etc. also, i noticed there were lots of urine stains all over the house, stains that were created as she walked all over the house with the slippers that she wore to the toilet. so quietly, i cleared the soiled stuff, swept the floor, mop the bedroom and kitchen floor, removed all the furnitures and washed the living room. the whole affair took me about 4-plus hours. looking at how thorough i washed the house, she asked how often do i undertake such a major cleaning. i said once a year, or when the house is really dirty. she kept quiet. later in the day, she went to their toilet again and with her wet slippers, she started walking all over the house again. well, i kept quiet and after she finally sat down on the sofa, i started mopping the floor again, after which i told her not to do so and that i would get a new pair of slippers for her to be used for the house. she said ok. other than that, we did not converse much...

so... yup, so that was how the week passed. both of us doing what we need to do. otherwise, things were pretty much normal. and well, of course, over time, things are slowly warming up. and i know it is cos she is again starting to leave her soil diapers and clothes on the floor for me to pick.

...

:-)

an unexpected fb request

nope, i did not mean "fuck-buddy". i mean "facebook". well, since a couple of months back, i have stopped fb-ing. i deleted some acquaintances from my friend list, all my photos in my profile and my album, and all my postings in fb. in addition, i restricted my profile such that everything in my fb account could only be seen by me. i also changed my nick in fb to my chinese buddhist name. for those who knew why i did it, they continued poking me and mailing me. and of cos, i do respond by poking back once a while but generally, i have kept out of fb. since then, i noticed my friend list getting lesser. this was perhaps not unexpected cos not many people know my chinese buddhist name. and when a foreign name appeared out of no where with no possible ways for them to find out the identity, the next most logical thing to do would be to delete the name.

but 2 days ago, i got a friend request - the first and only one since i went underground. it was from a person whose name could be acronymed as "dk" - that was what he was affectionately called when he was in the service. well, i know him. he was the previous chief defence force. and he was the army chief at the time i was outed by the security department. and he did not even bat an eyelid nor uttered a word when it happened. one day, i was working my hearts out for him (i was heading the office that was directly in charge of many of his official affairs), and the next day, when i saw him during an official visit, he seemed pretty unfriendly in his gaze. it did not feel good when a chief you had respected and worked your butts out for looked you in such a manner.

reflecting, i believed i had, in a way, took it personally against him when i was called up. as my chief, i felt he should have at least called me up and explain to me why it happened. but he did not. instead, what happened was that i was left in the lurch. and some couple of weeks later, his personnel (hr) chief called me up. and in that short few minutes of interview, i was indirectly told that i was living an immoral life becos of my sexuality. not the way to treat a serviceman who had served professionally for close to 20 years, not the right thing to do. anyway, the hr chief died of heart failure during a run the following year (or 2 years later, i cannot recall), i did not even bother to attend his wake/ funeral. i did not even bother to give any pek kim when the envelop was passed around. secretly, i was cursing him, i could not forget his words. i was glad he died... that was how much i hated him at that time.

ok, back to the friend request. i saw it when i woke up at 5am and instinctively reached out to check my email on my phone. i went back to sleep. when i finally woke up the next morning, i logged into facebook. i was half-tempted to sent him a "do i know you?" mail. i wondered - why did dk, who is now a senior government official, add me as a friend? was he that desperate to expand his friend list? he did not even know who i was... after thinking for a while, i told myself not to waste my time.

i clicked "ignore".

sex toys & str8 men

i think there are many straight men out there who'd love to try all sorts of sex accessories/ toys but are either afraid or too shy to do so. and i also think some of the reasons could be associated with the fear of being branded "gay". of course, this is understandable considering most (if not all) shops that sell such items/ sex toys locally are all owned/ patronized almost wholly by gaymen!

what do you think?

heh heh...

jeremy tee tee 3

jeremy: have a wonderful day kor!

me: hey! you too! of cos for me, my day would be wonderful becos i recieved an sms from you! :-)

jeremy: lolzzz... must be happy k?

me: haha, i am always happy, i am gay remember?

jeremy: and i am happy...

well, the conversation went on along the same tone for a while more... two gaymen talking? nope, one gay (me of cos!) and one very straight but super gay-friendly. i was talking to jeremy, my beloved tee tee, someone whom i finally had the time to meet for a proper dinner. been a long while and it was very good to be able to sit down alone with him to catch up.

jeremy is a very dear friend of mine. i got to know him some 10 years back when he was doing his ns. that was when i was stationed in the headquarters in gombak and he was posted to the hq company as a driver. and often enough, he would be assigned to support my department's activities to cover as our safety vehicle driver. and unlike most drivers i knew who would stay in the vehicle to nuah, jeremy would walk about and see how we train and even interacted with us. he was an unassuming person who was not shy to talk to people, regardless of ranks. and that was how we got to know each other. perhaps, it was also the fact that when we first started talking, i was in my pt attire and he didn't know i was a senior officer. anyway, over time, we became good friends - no, no, not that sexual kinda friend - and it was not possible for 2 key reasons. firstly, he's straight and secondly, i do not believe in flirting nor making out with any servicemen. we got to know each other enough to exchange numbers and for him to consult me about national service or about life in general whenever he needed a second opinion. after he left service, i came out to him. and being a very unassuming, unjudgmental person, he was more than fine with it.

initially, he would address me "sir" by virtue of my rank. but after he left service and we got to know each other better, i asked that we do away with the term and that he should address me by my name instead. but i think it was not easy for him and i since i am more than 15 years his senior, he decided it would be easier to address me as "kor". this worked extremely well cos he had also shared before that he had also all along looked up to me as an elder person who could give him advice apart from just being "a friend". so that was it, till this day, he still address me "kor" and and i would address him as "tee".

it has been 10 years, life has brought us in many different directions. we have both experienced our ups and downs during this time. also, he has also changed jobs a couple of times and he is now a business owner. as for me, i have also left service and am now in the corporate world. but amidst our busy schedule, we do drop each other an sms once a while to chin-up, smile and be happy.

yes, "be happy".

:-)

silent undercurrents

it was a normal day just like any other days. and i would do that needful cleaning up of the house as per all weekends. but today, judging by the silence, it seemed like as though there was a lot of unsaid under currents. and i supposed it was becos of the issue over installing the buddha yesterday. well, at least this was my assumption.

i woke up this morning and noted that mum had cleared her room. weird, cos she always let me clean up her diapers and her sarongs daily. i walked to the living room and she was sitting at the sofa chanting. again, it did not seemed right cos she had stopped doing that for quite a while. and next thing i knew, she told me not to buy food for her. she did not want to eat. i sensed something wrong. i asked if i could get some simple breakfast for her. she again replied no. no need food for her cos she was very full. weird too. so i said ok, in that case, i will head to the market to buy food to prepare lunch instead. again, she said she would not be eating lunch. this got me rather flustered.

her not wanting lunch was significant to me cos previously she went into this mode, she wanted to starve herself with the hope that my bro could be "cleanse" off all the "black magic" that she believe my sister-in-law was putting on him. at that time, she also kept chanting and kept asking me to bring her to the temple. i was sure she was exhibiting the behaviour with the belief that it would solve some tensions of hers. and i was also certain this had something to do with me. and to have this happened the day after the tensions over the buddha, i didn't feel good. ok, i told myself. i shall not be taken hostage by her response. i told her ok, in that case, i will not go to the market since there was no longer the need to buy food. i felt so drained by her consistent behavioural changes. i walked into the kitchen, stood at the balcony and looked out. it felt right to end these tensions at that time. but well, sanity prevailed.

i went back to my room. i supposed mum was taken aback by my decision not to go head out for breakfast. she shouted out to me to go and buy food for myself, which of cos i told her i was not hungry. and since she didn't want to eat, there would not be the need to buy any food too. i supposed my response confused her. that was not the reaction she had expected i believe cos not too long after, she told me she wanted to cook porridge for lunch and that i should buy food for her to cook. sighs... what now, i thought. i was just too drained by her changes in reactions. quietly, i went to the kitchen and told her i would cook the porridge instead. and then i went back to lie in the bed. and as expected, not too long after, she hobbled to the kitchen to check on the porridge. it was not until about just before lunch that i got out of bed and head out to buy some food.

while outside, i decided to chill-off for a while at the coffee shop. i simply sat there for about 15min and stared blankly at the ceiling. it felt good to be away from the house, even if it was for that short moment. after that, i made my way home to prepare lunch for her.

i am feeling very tired now.

very very tired.

ending up in a mess

i stood at the kitchen balcony looking out in general at the various units around mine. the whole view was devoid of any human except for a particular unit at the 4th floor. someone was busy ironing clothes. as the windows were closed, i could only see that the person wore a sleeveless tee-shirt and had a pony-tail but could not make sense of whether the person was male or female.

i changed my angle of view. i now peered downwards into the space that was created for hanging clothes. there were concrete beams at every levels. from where i stood, 6 levels above ground, the space between the 5 levels of balconies and the beams looked almost artistic. and i saw myself falling leg first downwards. as i fall, my chin would crash against the beams and would be smashed. in the process, my head would be forced backwards and my neck would break. given the small space, i would also be thrown from beam to beam. my body would be smashed against the different balconies and i would land on the ground floor a mangled mess. i was sure i would die as a result of this fall. my body totally messed up. the vision was vivid. as these images raced across my mind, i felt the dropping of my heart just like a person leaping off a high building. and for that very moment, i almost wanted to climb the balcony wall. it felt right.

and just as i was about to lift my leg, i regained my sanity. my heart was beating very fast. i walked off the balcony back into the house.

must have been all the emotional swings and the stress over the last weeks.

buddha tensions

yes, the title itself is not right. how can there be tensions associated with the buddha? but well, that was exactly what i am experiencing now.

i have wanted to install a buddha at home for a long time and have previously tried getting a buddha statue without success. both bee and i have also discussed and finalised a potential position to install the buddha after considering the layout of the living room. and today, as bee needed to head to the kuan imm temple to do some prayers, we thought it was nice to also take a look at the different buddha statues being sold at the shops around the temple. mum came along and we found a buddha figurine (similar to the one in the picture) that we felt good about. so i bought it.

when we came home, i told mum about the proposed location where i intent to set the altar. mum disagreed. she insisted that the buddha need to face the sky (ie, opening of the house/ living room). and it so happened that her requirement couldn't be met as the only place that face the opening is my dining area. to do that, it would mean i either throw away the dining table or move the dining table to the middle of the living room. to do the latter option, it would end up blocking the whole the living room area. it was simply not feasible. so, i volunteered to do way with the dining table. mum refused to let me do it. to her, it was center of the living room and no compromise. i refused. i tried various ways to explain to her why it was simply not feasible but she insisted on her option. angry that i couldn't do it her way, she unhappily said - ok, you happy enough already.

it was the kind of lose-lose situation and no one would be happy whichever options are selected. in the end, i decided not to install the buddha for now. by installing a buddha, i hope to give everyone peace of mind. i decided to buy it today because i felt good about it and mum kept telling me she liked that particular figurine. but since we cannot agree on how to install it, then might as well shelf the plan... no point installing it and end up not feeling happy about it.

bee's worries

amidst all the hustle and bustle of life, bee has noted his dad has been having bouts of memory lost and inabilities to speak properly. so, finally, he decided to bring him for a check at the hospital. the worst fears were confirmed. bee's dad has a huge tumour in his brain. difficult period ahead.

sighs... looks like there's quite a bit of emotional swings coming up for everyone in the near future. just hope everyone can manage these developments in as calm a manner as possible.

getting a maid

couple of days back, i tried to convince my mum about getting a maid to look after her. it was one helluva conversation. you see, my mum had been against the idea of getting a maid to look after her. but given the challenges of looking after her and the fact that when i go to work, she would be left alone at home, i thought it was necessary and important. i tried to explain and reason out with her about it. but she insisted there was no need for a maid and that she could look after herself. and despite me explanation about the safety, the peace of mind it would provide to all of us, etc, she insisted on a "no". so i did what i need to do. i gave her a choice - either we get a maid or i shall quit my job to look after her fulltime.

that shook her up big time. no, no, no, i must not quit my job, she said. and with that, she reluctantly agreed to the idea of a maid. and just when i thought everything was fine, she threw in another spanner, she wanted me to get a part time maid, just like the way my sis got a part time maid to do simple house chores. hmmm... ok, at least it was a good start. i left the conversations there. i kept the options open. let's take time to coax her into getting a fulltime maid...

difficult week

this week was more difficult and challenging that i had wanted it to be. and frankly, i found myself losing my patience a lot more often. and it was largely due to a combination of the work, and mum. for the first, things were piling up due to my preoccupations with my top boss project the week before. so, it was purely clearing shit this week. on top of that my unit is in the process of being audited by 2 different departments, and at the same time, preparing for an audit by spring mid-sep. so, everyone was jittery and as for me myself, i had the difficult chore of having to go through my quality document that had not been updated and scrutinized before.

home-wise, it was not any better. mum was into her weird moods and habits. after she fell early this week, she kept complaining of pain, peed on the floor, swollen legs, chest pains etc. and despite all these, she refused to see the doctor during the hari raya break. but once the break ended and it was time to head back to work, she told me she wanted me to bring her to sgh a&e. and when i said i would bring her later in the afternoon, she instead told me she would simply call a cab and go herself. she was just insistent on that. in the end, i managed to coax her to give me some time to settle some urgent stuff at work before bringing her to the doctor. , i ended up spending 3/4 of a day at the sgh a&e again on wednesday. she was told she could go home after the doctor did some test.

at the same time, mum had been pestering for more food and water and regardless of how much she was given, she kept insisting she was hungry. i had initially thought it was due to her medication, but after observing her habits, i concluded it was simply a bad habit. she could down 1 mug of milk & 2 pieces of bread for breakfast, a pack of vegetarian bee hoon late morning, a heavy lunch, 4 buns & 1 mug of milo for tea break, and then a round of heavy dinner and still complain of hunger. how to help? and despite coaxing her, and advising her to control, she kept insisting she felt hungry and needed food. i find myself getting flustered with her habits... but well, just need to breath in, count my numbers and do the needful.

end of the 7th month

it's coming to the end of the 7th month. inauspicious to many, auspicious to some, and reflective for many depending on your religious affiliations. whatever it is, it is coming to an end and common to all, it is time to celebrate. so, to all my taoist friends, happy eighth month and mid-autumn festival, to all buddhist friends, any time is good to reflect and to purify ourselves, and to all my muslim friends, happy hari raya aidil fitri.

:-)

ps: this month has usually been associated with illness, death etc. and i supposed the fact that many chinese are superstitious about it did contribute to the increased negative happenings. so, with the passing of the 7th month, may every one get happy and healthy again!

傷心的歌

i love this video! the love in his eyes when cruising in the train (esp at 5:35min), the tensions, the whole feeling of falling in love! i am so sure every gay man would be able to identify with the clip! enjoy!

:-)

恰似你的溫柔

always loved 蔡琴's songs! she's such a diva! simple song, delivered so expertly! bravo!

:-)

tgiw

thank goodness it is the weekend!

this been an extremely stressful and difficult week for me. i had to conduct a 2-day workshop for my top man in the company mid-week. and it so happened that mum fell sick and had to be hospitalized just before the workshop started. so you can imagine how i was, on one hand, co-ordinating the workshop, facilitating the discussions, doing presentations, responding to my bosses many last minute changes and at the same time, answering calls from the hospitals about my mum. i was therefore so bloody glad when the workshop ended and friday came along (despite having to manage my mum's discharge from the hospital).

this weekend, i am so gonna zonk off and do nothing... and despite a rude start to the weekend, i really wish the remaining parts would be as smooth and as uneventful as possible.

:-)

discharged & weak

mum's whizzing has almost disappeared and she was given the go ahead to be discharged. when she was in the ward, she was not allowed to leave the bed. so, naturally, after 3 days of staying in bed and not walking, she felt weak and could not really hold herself up after she was discharged. twice yesterday, as she tried to get into the car, her leg gave way. thankfully, we had the wheelchair close by and we managed to prevent her from sitting onto the ground...

this morning, she told me her forehead was painful and i noted it was a little blue-black. she told me she had a bad fall when she woke up. apparently, at about 6am, she wanted to head to the toilet and fell forward after she stood up from the bed. in the process, she banged her forehead on the floor but managed to pick herself up. listening to her, i got worried. as of now, apart from the forehead, she also complained of her back (spine) feeling sore. otherwise, there was no symptoms of giddiness, vomiting etc. everything seemed pretty normal. am keeping a close watch on her.

sighs...

admitted

sgh a&e... 8am... direct admissions... no further questions asked... super efficient. she was attended to even before i could register her.

tired of porn?

when some people asked me how do i occupy my time when bee is not around, i would tell them i do so by watching porn (sometimes i do, i admit). and they would ask me wah lao! don't get tired meh? porn so boring! so! do you think one can get tired of porn? from some of my friend's responses to my answer, i would say yes, one certainly can!

as for me... well, initially i disagree, how can one get tired of porn?! no way! but thinking about it deeper, i have to agree (yes, i do think about such seemingly trivial stuff too!). and i say so becos when i begin to think deeper about what thrills me when i watch porn, i concluded it was not the act. rather, it was the bodies and reactions of different individuals. frankly, when it comes to the act itself, there is just so much permutations and after a while, it does get boring. but when it comes to the body and the responses, woooo, every new person is a new body! and every new person behave and respond differently to the stimulus they were subjected to! and i certainly do not get tired of seeing different individuals in the production. it continues to thrill me.

what about you?

one more thing, when it comes to analysing how people watch porn, it begs the question - what do you focus on? the face? the body? the anatomy? or what... and who do you focus on? the giver or the reciever? the top or bottom? the 1 or 0? the male or female? the f-er or f-ee?... also, are you titillated by your senses (ie, the sights or the sounds) or the fantasies it gives you?

damned, i am thinking too much!

heh heh...

human waste

have anticipated it... saw it coming. and today, i finally have to manage it. more to come! it will get worst... i am prepared for it. but what i did not expect was - i also have to manage my dog! arghhhhh!!! just screamed at her! just when i was so damned busy doing the cleaning, she came along and started sniffing and licking the toilet floor! stupid dog!

i am so tired, so drained... totally no mood now. was thinking of doing my work tonight, but i am totally not in the right state of mind now.

but well, have to push on! push on!

are gays promiscuous?

i came across this topic in a gay forum website. i noted that at least 2 threads had been started for the question above. and interestingly, there were many arguments over this topic. it was a good discussion. many approached this question from the biological angle and argued that regardless of species, all males tend to want to sow their seeds. thus, it does not matter if it is human or animals, all males are highly sexual creatures. thus, sexuality is not the issue, both gays and straight men are equally promiscuous. some others approached the topic from a social angle where factors centering around whether peer pressure, pregnancies, etc where discussed. from this angle, gays are more promiscuous cos there is a higher frequency of sex between 2 men. as for straights, it is not a case where the men do not want sex, but rather, it is the women who refused to give the sex for fears of pregnancy. hmmm...

and as i read, i wondered - for those who tried to argue that both straights and gays have similar behaviours, did they make the claims based on facts, heresay or perception? as for the social angle of the discussion, if the women do not give the sex, it didn't mean straight men are any less likely to have sex right? promiscuity is a judgment of a person's behaviour as a result of his mind, not a function of being refused sex. personally, i think it is also important to ask ourselves whether the concept of promiscuity is clear to all. i think the act of sex cannot and should not be associated with the concept of prosmiscuity. one is a act and the other is a judgment based on norms and values. so the starting point in itself is very different. and to make things a little more complicated, social norms vary from society to society and community to community. and to mix the concepts of sex and prosmicuity together simply confuse the whole discussion. so, my take is that the question is wrong in the first place. what really is the question? i am not sure myself. if it is about the frequency of sex, then perhaps the question should be "do gay men have more sex than straight men? why?" makes the question clearer.

what do you think?

picture from: http://quipsnquills.com/wordpress/?p=10334

long walk

had a super duper long walk with mum today... we walked round the 3rd and 2nd floors of raffles city and then i decided to take her to marina bay sands. took us a whole 3 plus hours to do so and by the time i ended, i was dead tired. frankly, i never knew there were so many things that one can enjoy at marina bay sands. there were water fountain shows, fire shows, laser lights, etc... and set against the singapore skyline, it was really very nice! was certainly a very good trip!

:-)

one summer night

took me a long time to find this and i found it last year and had it posted in my facebook. i revisited this song today and found the original show where this song was played! wow! and to add to it, i even found the korean version! so now i know why the chelsea and ah bee sang this song to the koreans in the updated version! simply love it, regardless of the version!





and the korean version...



:-)