Saturday, 31 July 2010

cholesterol check

finally did the blood test this morning. learning from previous week's experience, i went there, took my number and then went to delta swimming pool for a 20min tan. showered and came back to the hospital and i was still 12 numbers away from being called. and to add to that, i save on car parking... haha... cheapo me.

:-)

dense stuff

we all have defining moments in our lives. these may include the day we fell in and out of our puppy love, weddings, deaths, health issues, and so on. and often, these are shaped by things that matter to us. these are often experiences that destabilizes us at our very most fundamental levels. for those of us who cannot accept it and move on, we perish. but for those of us who are able to destroy old mindsets and beliefs and focus our efforts to accept, redefine and re-built, we emerged stronger. yet, we got scarred through the process. we emerge more jaded. we learned to protect ourselves. we built our defences. we create protective zones. we change our mindsets. we ended up seeing things with tainted lenses.

ok... not too sure how i want to continue. too dense now. wanted to write about why i have not recited the national pledge since 2005 but well... let's just move on. these days, ndp, yog, mega-government agency conducted events continue to excite me becos it is mega and not because i am a singaporean. it's the same in my previous job where i conducted myself to my best as professionally as i could for myself and not because of the organization. hmmm... ok. shall stop here. let's enjoy the saturday evening.

:-)

mega-events by singapore

somehow i no longer get excited about national day parades or anything mega that government agencies organized - including the youth olympics. in fact, i have felt rather numbed about such government-agency organised rah-rahs since mid-2005. it is not a case of me not feeling proud that we are organising these events or that these events are not sufficiently mega to excite me. mega events still make me choke. but the source of this was more of the mega-ness/ grandeur rather than a case of national pride. for example, i got choked when i watched the beijing olympics opening. and it was because it was damned freaking grand. i felt proud to be chinese and it felt so good to see china showing her power to the world. as for ndp, nope, i had stopped watching it altogether. not worth my attention. not worth my time.

a huge part of me died on the day i was outed by mindef and after the whole trauma i went through, my feelings towards singapore and anything within the governmental system, or organised by such agencies simply died... all the nationalistic pride, all the propaganda about one country, etc etc etc... it's all a whole lot of bullshit... so yup, national day parade is coming. youth olympic is coming. i will certainly not be watching the national day parade. and if i do watch the youth olympic, it would be because is an inaugural international event and not because it is something i should be proud of as a singaporean. this was something i reflected last evening and thought i'd capture it here. do i sound contradicting?

anyway, just my mind wondering again on this saturday afternoon.

tender presentation

my boss had lunch with another director last week. and during that lunch, he found out that the business development-side was bidding for a competency mapping and development project. and so he volunteered me to be the project manager. so, amidst all my many many on-going projects and pressing deadlines, i suddenly find myself potentially leading a project that would consume almost 100% of my aug to oct! and the best part is this - i am totally not in the business of competency mapping and development. i am in training development. and the scope are worlds apart. i really don't know how to proceed from here although my boss kept telling people that i can do it.

we did a presentation this week and as the presentation went on, i was half hoping that we do not win the bid.

terrible me right?

haha!

steamboat

it was so funny and coincidental. for the past few days, bee had been saying he wanted to make steamboat and have a simple dinner at home. so, we called the few usual friends to come over for dinner. one can make it while the other couldn't. and while comptemplating if we should proceed this morning, my mum called me and asked me to go over for lunch. she insisted i must be there cos my brother is preparing a steamboat lunch.

so, we decided to drop the idea.

heh heh...

push on!

when people begin to arrow you jobs because of the word "development", you begin to wonder what's the point of giving you a proper position in the first place. well you see, i am appointed to head the trg dev tm. a brand new team for that matter. and since we were formed, we began to get arrows from bosses in anything related to dev. these include, amongst others, leadership dev, competency dev, and now marketing dev. also, there were several others that makes me think i am also doing human resource/ human capital dev. and really, looking at the type of jobs i have been arrowed to do, i sometimes think i am in organisational dev! and to top it off, whenever any other heads cannot do anything (can be as simple as developing a set of nice looking slides to present conceptual things), it would be "go get the dev tm to help you".

to keep me going, i just need to be positive and take it that people trust me and people believe i can do a good job out of it. but it is very exhausting. and certainly, i need lots of positive thinking!

sighs.

push on! push on!

Friday, 30 July 2010

anniversary

today is my first anniversary of taking refuge!

:-)

Thursday, 29 July 2010

tgif... soon...

i am so happy tomorrow is friday!

:-)

Monday, 26 July 2010

what's wrong?

just to document this - i am not sure if there is anything wrong with me or if something bad is really developing. but of late, i have been feeling like i am gonna fall sick. and that is not enough, i also have this occasional feeling of lost of balance whereby i would get into this i-am-feeling-dizzy-and-i-am-going-to-fall feel. it can happen anywhere including when i am driving, when i am walking, or even when i am sitting still. a little unsettling i must say. also, i have this feeling like as though my right shoulder is drooping and that my whole body posture is lope-sided.

what's happening? what's wrong?

i fell

it's been many many years since i last fell. yes, since i last actually lost my balance and fell onto the ground. but that was exactly what happened to me last evening when i played with sapphie.

you see, i brought her down to the car park for her before-bed pee/ shit. and after that, i played catching with her. i used my hands to cup her eyes and when i pulled off my hand, i would run off in one direction. and she would let out a loud bark, do a kinda bouncing jump using all her 4 legs and chased me. and i would repeat it again and again... i would change the direction of my runs often and she would be surprised and start chasing me once she regained her sense of things after i removed my hands from her eyes. and during one of the runs, as i turned a corner, i lost my balance. and next thing i knew, i slipped and fell face down like a javelin. and because i was running as i slipped, my knee scrapped the cemented floor. sustained a badly bruised knee cap as a result...

but well, it was nothing more than a bruise. i did not hurt myself. but i woke up today not being able to walk properly. i had a very painful knee cap, very sore and tight shin muscles on top of the bruised knee.

heh heh...

cruised

went to the airport for dinner earlier. and guessed what!?! went for coffee after that and i was cruised by a woman (note: i use the term "woman" and not "girl"...). she kept staring at me. and her eyes stalked me as i walked into the coffee shop. when i sat down at the table, she turned her head to look at me a couple of times...

heh heh... almost wanted to do a broken-wrist wave and speak out loud in a high pitched shrilling voice. but of cos, i did not... would have been funny to see how she and her friends react if i did that! do you think she would go: "eeeeeeeeeeeee! ah gua!!! ah gua!!!"? hahahaha!

:-)

development tm

it seemed like, to my boss, everything is "dev tm". everything that he wants, everything that people cannot deliver, everything that he can volunteer his services to, everything that he needs to complete fast, it is - get "dev tm" to do it. and to date, we have been vounteered for a lot a lot a lot of things. and of these, many were endorsed and approved over the last month or so... and so, we can expect lots of meetings, lots of work and so on to start. and even then, the "get dev tm to do" mentality kept coming strong and furious.

and frankly, i am very scared. on one hand, i take it as a good indication of his believe in us. yet, at the rate he is going, or rather, as it stands now, my staff and i are already dying already. and things have not started to row. and we have not even have the time to do our baseline things - things related to proper trg dev! yet on top of all these, we were also told we need to prepare ourselves for bigger projects - and that was why we were created for in the first place. and the thing is... so, how are we going to have the capacity to do all these when we are already struggling. and to make it worst, he kept telling us we are still not being used for what we are supposed to do...

hmmm...

i don't understand

i don't understand why bosses always claim they know lots of things and that they know everything you are presenting but through the things they said and the questions they asked, it was so clear that they don't know what the f*** you are saying.

and being a sensitive person that i am, i could only smile and smile and smile somemore... and i seriously think my staff also saw through my boss. yet, they also play along.

sighs...

living within one's means

easier said than done...

often what the mind thinks is not what the heart wants. and when the heart rules...

sighs...

Sunday, 25 July 2010

wonderful weekend

been a routine but wonderful weekend. was totally tired this afternoon and collapsed in bed for a good one hour - very very seldom do i do this. anyway, looking forward to the start of a good week ahead!

:-)

routines before bed

powder
medication
dig ears
scratch back
:-)

Saturday, 24 July 2010

challenges at work

there are people challenges and there are woman challenges...

sighs...

shitty dog

it's sapphie again! was on way home from my mum's place and sapphie was happily seated on the front seat beside me. then she started to start fidgetting. i told her to sit still but she wouldn't and the next thing i knew, she took up the "i-wanna-shit" postion. and before i can even do anything, she bombed onto my car seat! and it was a whole lot of shit too!

ewwwww!!! it was full of what she ate last night. i could still vague make out the brocolli, the carrot, and what have you! argh! thank goodness i had a plastic bag and tissue paper in the car. had to clear the shit and wipe the car seat while driving.

need to do major cleaning to my car now!

sighs!

sapphie the vegetarian dog

something interesting happened yesterday. i was on my way to my blood test when bee called me. he was rather furious. apparently, when he reached home after breakfast, he realized sapphie has stolen into my room again. and she chewed up a book i recently bought.

it was so similar to another incident when she was a small puppy. that time, i got furious and i gave her a really good trashing. a trashing that shaped her fears through her whole dog-life and it was a trashing that until today, i regret and felt guilty about. i had allowed my anger to take control of me and i had inflicted on her disproportionate amount of sufferings. anyway, back to yesterday...

i listened to bee and i calmly told him it was ok. she is a dog after all and that she was simly doing what a dog would do. sniff sniff sniff, got curious, got into the room and chewed up the book. well, i guessed she sniff her way into the room becos it smelled of my scent. and she ended up chewing the book becos it smelled good. heh heh... and considering she had been eating a lot of fruits, vegetables, and vegetarian dog pellets, the book probably smelled like food to her! so, thinking about it, i asked bee to pour some dog food for her. she must have done what she did becos she was hungry...

so funny right? hungry vegetarian dog ended up eating my book!

:-)

weekend reflections

recently, i have been seeing a lot of rather useless posts in the media about the flood. almost all of it was unconstructive, bitchy and offer no suggestions as to how it could be better prevented. and i posted this in my facebook: "when i faced hurricanes n nature's wrath in states, i saw ppl band together with the govt to help improve things. in sgp, we bitch, we swear it's not our fault, we made videos to criticize, we join in the criticizing... doesn't this reflect a sad state of ourselves?".

lo and behold, i started getting comments from some of the people in my friend-lists (and i realized they have previously posted comments too). reading their comments, i concluded the following, (1) that many of the posting come across as emotional rather than factual or constructive, (2) that there is a tendency to point the fault outwards rather than reflect how one could contribute to the prevention, (3) that many are yet again, using this flood as an extension of a larger issue and outlet of their continued dissatisfaction with the government (be it related to policies, pay, la la la...).

well, let me first state this, i am not pro- to any specific political parties and i have big tensions with the current system considering how i was treated in my previous job (that is another story altogether, but thank goodness i survived although i almost went the imh track... then again, i guess the damage has been done). but what i can say is this - that the current political party who have formed the government for the past 50-over years are doing a relatively decent job in improving our quality of life despite occasional hiccups in terms of policies, communications, and failure to arrest certain small issues and allow it to develop out of proportions. and the many years of paternalistic and often authoritarian way of doing things has resulted in many cynical, quiet dissent on the ground. it is regretful but a fact. when you grow too fast, you cater to the mass and many at the fringe may not benefit as much. also, as a result, many got left behind due to whatever reasons. but i can see efforts in the right directions.

this is where i think the government needs to find better ways to engage the population. well, i know they have been trying hard. but i think there are much room for improvements. may be they should look towards the grassroot movements too. then again, just look at the grassroot movement now. despite all the hype about them, i think what they have now are nothing more than a group of people who come across as sar-kah-ing the officials or are simply exploiting the system for their personal gains. and as a whole, i think most of the people currently in the grassroot movements are making the grassroot movement look nothing more than a senior citizen's void deck club movement instead...

hmmm... ok, i have let my thoughts run again. shall stop here...

weekend is here!

:-)

blood test boo boo...

i was ordered by my doctor in mar 10 to undergo a blood test before i see him again in early aug 10. it is my regular cholesterol level check as well as my hepatitis b immunity test. and after delaying it on and on, i finally made my way down this morning. i looked at the slip, it said no need to fast. and so, happily i went for my breakfast before heading to the polyclinic. i waited for a good hour plus before my number was called. and the lady took my blood test order sheet and asked if i have fasted. i said no. and she said i could not do the whole test today. i was puzzled. then she show me the blood test order sheet. i had missed a second blood test sheet below. for that one, i need to fast.

haiz... in the end, i decided i would just proceed to do one first. and then go back for the other fasting one another day.

may be tomorrow.

Friday, 23 July 2010

falling sick again?

of late, i have been feeling this awkward choking feeling in my throat that doesn't seem to get away. and whenever i eat, i would feel very uneasy and i often feel as though i have a huge burp growing. except that it didn't materialize and i ended up feeling like the food got stuck somewhere along my oesophagus. and myh throat often feel very irritable. so much so that i would cough out violently.

think i am gonna fall sick very soon...

haiz.

lesser blogs

since i started work, my blogging frequency dropped. not only did i notice it, even some of my friends have also commented on it. in fact, just look at the numbers of post per month and it became so very clear. usually by this time of the month, i would have posted some 30-40 posts.

and perhaps i can offer some possible reasons... (1) too tired to post after a long days' work, (2) too tired to post cos since i started work, the time available for myself per week has dropped tremendously (this was considering the additions of monday evening classes, friday evening dharma talks, sunday mornings dharma teaching to my weekly routines), (3) too little experiences outside of my work routine compared to previously where i would be able to observe a lot more things when i do my visits in the day, (4) i have separated and post my sunday teaching blogs in my other site, or (5) i was plain lazy... err, ok, ok i have no inspiration...

well... or perhaps a combination of all the reasons stated.

what say you?

:-)

Tuesday, 20 July 2010

bad journalism

you want truly unprofessional journalism? go read yahoo fit-to-post. i should be rename UNfit-to-post! nothing but stirring shit to cajoule people to write in their comments. and then they regurgitate what some readers write and call it a story. i am not very good with my english, but i can recognise what is bad journalism, it looks more like garbage in garbage out. it's sad how our journalism standards have dropped to such a sad state.

Sunday, 18 July 2010

priceless

teacher, thank you.
such appreciations - priceless!

:-)

priceless

today, i had a good teaching day.

initially i had wanted to let the other 2 teachers do the teaching today. and sometime mid-week, the school administrators sent us a copy of a worksheet that one of the teachers from the other class derived. they asked us to consider using it if it helps in our teaching of the subject. i ignored it. i thought having a worksheet to regurgitate the text in the textbook is not going to be useful for the lesson. it might help her in her lesson but i thought it would not be useful for me. the topic is just too complex to teach and deliver using a worksheet.

today, i went to school early to prepare myself for the lesson. at the resource room, my other 2 teachers were already there. the one that was always very strict and always create a lot of tension in class was rather excited about the worksheet and wanted to print it. the other, who was the lead teacher and who was always very easy with the students told her to go ahead. i asked one simple question - who is going to lead today's class. the lead teacher looked at me, shrugged his head and say anyone would do. i remarked that the topic seemed easy but was actually the most difficult. he looked surprised. he gave me the "huh?" look and remarked that he thought it was one of the easiest topic to teach. i told him no, today's topic required one to be familiar with all the previous 7 week's topics and be able to synthesize all the lessons from them. and it involved a deep understanding of what "ethics" was. i asked a simple question - what do you think is "ethics". he thought hard and offer an answer. i shared my thoughts about it and he understood straightaway the depth and complexity of the concept. and with that, i told him i would lead today's lesson.

the class started as per routine. but before i could even start, the strict teacher started scolding a particular boy. he was leaning against the table behind... and she went on and on and on... my goodness, i thought, this certainly should not be the way to start a class! and so i did something unexpected, i walked to the left side of the class and told them i would be teaching from there. there was no way this boy could lean back now. and with this little stunt of mine, the strict teacher quietened down. i held the class tight and i went on about the topic of the day. the lead teacher knew i meant it when i said i would lead. in a way, i signalled that i did not want to be disturbed and i wanted to do things the way i thought was good. so after the pleasantries, he went to the back of the class and sat down. as for the strict teacher, she tried very hard to complement me... often she threw questions to challenge everything i said. i felt rather irked by it but i took it. and whenever she thought she didn't agree with me, she tried to interject. but i thought she interjected too often and sometimes too early. i thought she should allow me to complete all i had to say before interjecting. case in point was this example. we were discussing what trade was considered not in sync with buddhist practise. and i asked - is prostitution considered a right trade? i started by saying it was wrong, but posed a question - what if the person sells his/ her body to feed a sick child? a little grey now right? i said. before i could continue, she interjected, no, no, i disagree, it is wrong! i waved my hands and stopped her. i had to continue developing my argument. and with that, i went on to ask the class to think - was what she did morally upright?... and with that, i completed my point that in buddhist context, the prostitution trade is not correct.

anyway, this kind of interjection kept coming on and on. but i turned it into questions for the students to think. i took it as an opportunity for the students to know there are different perspective and that they should probe and reflect when presented with certain issues before making a judgement. overall, i thought i managed to hold the class well. i played my cards right. i knew the boys would be intrigue by military stuff. and i used all the military history examples. and i spoke of war, weapons of mass destruction, precision weapons, geneva conventions and so on and i managed to hold their attention rather well. it was rather interesting. for many moments, even the teachers didn't know how to argue, complement or question me. i held the class very tightly. at the end of the sharing, one of the boys commented - wa teacher, how i wished you can be my history teacher. hahaha... i was amused. but what made my day this morning was not the fact that my students were very attentive or the scope that i managed to cover. rather, it was the one single "teacher, thank you" uttered to me by one of the boys as he walked out of the class at the end of the lesson.

what made this "teacher thank you" even more meaningful and impactful was because of 2 things. firstly, this student was one of the most attentive and quiet one. he was always very interested in and attentive during lessons and i suspected he was rather irritated by the many lessons that either became out-of-control or ended up as scolding sessions. so, when he thanked me, it told me i had been effective in doing a good lesson. and secondly, i have only joined the class for about 3-4 weeks. and to get an endorsement from an interested student now was the last thing i had expected.

such endorsement - priceless!

:-)

ps: i had a slight problem with the textbook for being too prescriptive. you should not this, you should not do that... it's very difficult to practise anything when the text is so literal and everything is stated at the "action-level". i thought it would be more effective if the text book could respect reader's intelligence a little more and peg the content at the "intention-level". doing so would be more appropriate in today's complex world. and it would give a person a lot of things to think about.

Saturday, 17 July 2010

dream about james

i had a weird dream about james last night. and it went like that...

i was in my bedroom. and i saw james sleeping on the bed. on the exact same side that he used to sleep. his back was towards me. bee was in the living room watching tv. i walked over to his side of the bed, knelt down, took a look at him. he was in a deep sleep. i turned towards the book cabinet, knelt down and looked at the books. next thing i knew, he came up behind me and hugged me. i didn't know how to respond. i asked if he and jack was ok. he said yes...

that briefly was the dream i had. weird. i told bee about it. he said i must have been thinking of james sub-consciously.

hmmm...

inflexible makcik

this afternoon, after my mum's haircut and perm, i brought them to lunch at a coffee shop. and i ordered noodles for my domestic worker. it came with chopsticks and chinese soup spoon. but she didn't know how to use chopsttick and the noodle store didn't provide fork and spoon.

so i walked around the different stores and came to this malay store that sells rice. they had disposable fork and spoon placed on the table. i looked inside for the storeowner to ask for permission to take a pair. the person inside was busy washing the plates and did not look out. i tried to attract his attention but was not successful. so i proceeded to take a pair and next thing i knew, a makcik shouted from behind me. "ooi, you cannot take. you did not buy food from me!" i turned around and saw this middle aged malay couple seated at the table. i concluded they must be the owners of the shop. i tried to explain the situation to them but before i could finished what i had to say, she snapped again: "cannot!" i was about to return the disposable fork and spoon to the container when her husband signalled for me to go ahead and take it. he was a little more flexible. he turned to his wife, hissed a "shhh!" and said "tidak apa lah, tidak apa lah" (it's ok, it's ok). then he waved at me again to ask to help myself to the pair of fork and spoon. i was thankful to him for that. i took it and left.

i passed the disposable fork and spoon to my domestic help and i thought about the whole incident. i decided i should buy something from them. it's my way of thanking the husband. i walked back and asked for a packet of rice. i thought the couple felt a little embarrassed, especially the lady for she gave me a lot of vegetables and charged me only s$3 for them.

:-)

ps: i didn't know what to do with the food and ended up giving it to my domestic help to eat for her afternoon tea.

the wet market

i brought mum for a haircut and perm this morning. and after dropping her off, i went to the market nearby for my breakfast. i had a lot of time and thought i'd take a walk around the wet market. this was the market that i had visited since i was a kid in the mid-70s. then, my mum would drag me out of bed at 5.45am daily. and i would be tasked to help her carry the things she bought. it was through these daily visits that i learned how to recognize the different produce, how to select fresh ones and so on. that was how i got grounded in my basics of cooking. these moments made marine terrace block 50a market special to me. it defined parts of my childhood. and despite moving out of marine terrace in 1998, i would still visit her ever so often. she is like an old friend. but today, i decided to do more than just visit her. i should experience the whole visit - the sights, the sounds, the smells, and savour every bit of it. and i was overwhelmed.

as i entered the produce section, i was greeted by the fresh smell of the produce. walking around the wet market in the early morning was so unlike walking around the meat sections of a supermarket. instead of the stale smell of a combination of different meat, fish, and their products, you can actually distinguish the different smell of these produce in the wet market. and on top of that, you can actually see the freshness of the produce! you see fishes with shiny clear glassy eyes, meat with fresh red blood serum oozing...

talking about sights, nothing can beat nature's ability to bring joy to one through colours. once i walked towards the vegetable, fruits and freshly cut flower section, i was overwhelmed by the burst of colours. it screamed freshness! and the neatly stacks and rows of red, orange, green, yellow, purple, and so on was simple amazing. and as i approached the stores, these orderliness gave way to a chaotic but more interesting resolution of different hues of colours, and of different sizes and shapes! and i was further energized by the wisps of sweetness of the produce. nice! and as i walked further in, nature gave way to culture, a multi-cultural one too. curry powder, rempah in the process of being grounded, kiam chye, szechuan pickled vegetables, salted fish, etc... all exuded their own distinctive smell and colours. the colours, of course was a tat paler and more artificial than that of what i experienced earlier. they were pickled after all. what could i expect right? but certainly, the familiarity of the smell and the richness of the culture it reminded me of more than made up for the lack of colours!

throughout the walk, i heard the humming sounds of people buying food, knives chopping meat, wet squishy sounds of feet lifting off the wet floor... but distinctively, i also noted the constant bargainings between the aunties/ domestic helps and the store owners... and they were trying to bargain over differences of 10cents and 20cents. heh heh... life is certainly a lot simpler and things are certainly much more interesting in wet markets.

but apart from the all-rounded sensory experience, there is one more thing i must pen down. many of the ah soh, ah chek, mak-cik and pak-cik storeholders i knew since years ago have disappeared. but a few were still there. for those who were still there, time have robbed them of their youth. for those who have gone, their children (who are of my generation) have taken over. and despite not knowing them personally, being around people who have co-existed with me over the years created a sense of deep familiarity. and this has been, and will be, the single factor that will continue to bring me back to marine terrace blk 50a wet market. and for that moment, i was a little boy again.

i left the wet market with a silly grin on my face.

:-)

Thursday, 15 July 2010

so sad...

it's not easy to have a constructive discussion when whatever you say, people suspect you want to harm them or steal work from them. they always start their sentence with a "no", or "it's not my", etc... the next thing you know, they quote who's who has cleared this or that, or had endorsed it. like as though i am afraid. and then they sent you an email asking you not to misunderstand them la la la... and they would cc the mail to everyone up there.

i wonder how people can live with the constant stress of such fears.

so sad right?

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

mystery question

bruce lee, jet li, raymond lam, leon lai... what do they all have in common? (apart from the fact their surname starts with the letter "l", they have a dick, they are chinese la la la)...

:-)

ask me!

right place?

in my last week's class, one of the teachers told the students that they must practise right speech at the right place. if they do so at a wrong place, it will bring them bad karma. well, i could go along with that... but i find it hard to accept when the following was said...

oh, if you spread the dharma and tell them to people, you are practising right speech. you will get a lot of good merits. but make sure you do it at the right place or else, you will not be able to earn good merits. instead, you might get yourself a lot of negative karma. imagine this, when you go to the market, you see a lot of aunties chatting. what are they doing? gossiping right? that is not considered right speech. and when you see this thing happening, will you go up to them and tell them about the dharma? how? i think if you do so, you are quite stupid. you might end up with the aunties scolding you. in the first place, you should not talk about dharma at the market! if you do so, it is not considered right speech...

hmmm... my take on right speech is that it is not about the place of the speech or the actual speech itself, we must also consider the basis and the intentions behind it! and based on that, it is place-neutral! anyway...

life goes on.

guilty

there is one thing i am guilty of. and that is the failure to constantly keep in touch with friends. and over time, my cirle of friends have become smaller. those who are still in touch with me are those whom i have contacted and who have bothered to keep in contact with me. i supposed it takes two hands to clap.

and so, i told myself. once a while, i need to sms my friends (or at least those whom i feel i have a connection with) one or two simple messages to tell them i do think of them and to wish them well. good night, good morning, good afternoon, good anything. and that was what i did today to 5 friends on my way home from work. i did so becos i reckoned it was not so much what we speak of or corresponded about, but it was the whole thought that i am in someone's mind that counts.

and such simple acts keep things going. i hope.

:-)

ps: francis replied my sms and told me he has been following my blog. but since i started work, my blog entries has dwindled drastically. so touched and so apologetic. kum siah kum siah... sorry sorry...

my other boss

i am very very happy with your performance since you joined us about what? a month? 5 weeks? ago. you have la la la la la la la la... i think you should try to understand the human aspects of things, who is close to who, who works well with who, and so on. it is important. then again, i am sure you know, it is the same everywhere. yup, i agree with you about the steep learning curve and the time needed to know people. focus on it. take your time to learn. but don't take too long. yadda yadda yadda...

words of my other boss.

hmmm...

creative when threatened

i am going to start writing down some aimless wonderings of my mind. i am just typing as my mind rolls. i am not sure how it is gonna end. but well, that is perhaps part of the fun of aimless writings... here i go...

i have this thing in my mind for a while already. the idea has not really develop. but i shall see how i can develop it now. it is about the whole idea of limited resource and being creative. and i ask - how did the humankind become so successful and progressed so fast in the animal world? i offer this hypothesis - that we survived becos we are creative. and we are forced to be creative becos of limited resources - food, water, shelter, safe haven and what have yous. and we can do so becos in the whole animal kingdom, we are the only species that has the opposable thumb. ok, i shan't go into anatomy, let's go back to my point, we survive becos we are creative. our creativity gave us the edge over all other animals - basic principle of survival of the fittest.

fast forward to today, and we can still see it happening. we get creative when resources are poor. we are forced to do so. it's the natural order of nature. we need to be creative to survive. just look at how we develop water technology becos we are threatened with water denial. or how we develop erp due to limited land for cars. sounds familiar? or closer to our hearts, just look at the burst of illegible short forms and emoticons following the start (and eventual rise) of the sms-technology that only allow 160-characters (back then). we got creative becos we want to squeeze in as many words as possible in that short 160-characters. no? come on, i am sure all of us have done it before sometime or other. it's a clear-cut case of technology (or the limitations of technology at a point in time) that forced the evolution of language. interesting...

so?

ok, this is where i get a little stuck. how do i end this aimless thoughts. hmmm... ok, ok... let do some positive thinking. in life, when things get tough (and that often means resources are poor), don't fret. don't worry. adopt a positive attitude and take those moments to think and be creative. you will find that you will be able to keep your mind active, stay mentally agile, and derive some form of solutions. and in the long run, you gain wisdom. wise people are those who learn from life.

ok, i better stop. not too sure if i was coherent. but, yup, i shall stop.

:-)

anyone any thoughts?

my new fridge

two days ago, i poured myself a cup of water from the fridge to drink. and as i drank, i wondered why the water didn't feel as cold as it usually did. i thought it was just me being too thirsty and dismissed the thought. then some time later, bee gave me the same feedback. this time round, i did a check on the fridge and found that indeed the interior was not as cold. and despite turning the controls to the coldest, i couldn't get the fridge to cool down.

decided to buy a new fridge.

rather and interesting process. gotta check the power consumption, where the engine come from, which country was it assembled, la la la... and finally decided on a rather nice stainless steel model. the frige came in about half an hour ago. and after the movers installed it, i started to move my stuff in. and to my horrors, i realized that my freezer door couldn't open fully because of obstructions from my kitchen door and my wall. and even if i close my kitchen door, i still could not open the door fully! missed by a cm or so. arghhhhhhhhhhhhh... but hmmm, i guessed i will have to just accept it and move on. no need to fuss about it. very small matter.

:-)

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

don't use fear!

as a dharma teacher, i totally cannot accept when i see and hear another person use fear to promote or make people believe/ practice the dharma. this is totally counter-productive and in the long run, we may end up losing people totally.

and i am saying this becos in my experience, i see people going around telling students that they should observe the noble eightfold path or they will have a lot of negative karma and will go to hell. ok, something along this line. and i totally cannot accept this. imagine, one teacher go - ok, you must observe right speech, if you practise divisive speech, you will end up walking into trees and obstacles, if you practise harsh speech, you will be reborn in a place where the crops die and there are no food... if you this and that, you will get negative karma and go to hell... and the teacher kept warning the class about it again and again and again... i mean, how to convince people about the relevance of buddhism when you keep using some of these concept to promote fear? no, it is not that i don't believe in them. i do. but i seriously think we should accept these concepts and move on. and unless we have very clear ideas and understanding on the concepts of heaven and hell, i think we should try not to use it to promote anything, be it out of fear or out of good. and i reiterate - no, i am not against these concepts, i think it is necessary. but i think we should be mature enough to find out more before we try to deal with some of these abstract concepts. and added to this, i think we also need to recognise that many of the teachings, especially in mahayana buddhism, are also founded on symbolism. and we need to read them and ask deeper why so? and i half suspect that it is due to the chinese culture. the chinese culture is a very interesting one that is often founded on symbolism, folklores and stories. good are represented by dieties and bad are represented by ghost and what have yous. and from these, many stories arose. and i am totally not surprise when some of these stories creep into the teaching.

and so i think we should try to understand these stories, interpret or do some research about what the dharma is trying to tell us and present them in modern day context to make it relevant. people these days do not accept fear or superstition as readily as they do facts and logic. and buddhism is founded on truth, logic and sensibilities. we need to promote and teach it as such too and we should never coerce people into believing what we are trying to teach. telling people that they will go to hell if they do things wrong is totally counter-productive. practice founded on fear is not sustainable.

sighs.

as a parent

the following is an email i sent to my 2nd sis. i have slightly amended it after reading it again to make the flow better and i want to capture it here cos i want to capture my own thoughts as i think it might be relevant to myself or to people who are facing the same issues. she has, yet again, faced challenges in bringing up her children and again, i sensed her getting into the self-blame mode... to those who has the habit to self-blame. don't... read on.

somethings i wanna share with you that you wanna really reflect upon. i noticed you have a habit to self-blame. but i think it is dangerous and self-destructive. not useful and totally draining. why not try to divert all negative developments in your life as a source of life's feedback to reflect and to learn from. these are very powerful events that carries with it huge amounts of energy. but you need to channel the energy to the right place - do it positively and it will strengthen you more over time. when you see things happen negatively, use it to reflect and see how you can improve. turn it into positive energy. don't turn it into self-blame and wallow. life is too short to wallow. do it too often and it manifests itself into your own health problems. life is about attitude.

the following are something points that i want to also share after i see your trends in self-blame over the last 2 years. and often it relates to how you see yourself as a failure in trying things... pse don't do that. in life, the only thing you should regret about is not trying. when you try and don't see results, it can only mean 2 things - that the time has not ripen for the results to show; or that your methods need to be reviewed. if this is so, it only mean you have to learn from it, adjust your methods, and move on.

also, all things done with the right intention is never wrong. you may feel you have failed and did not see the results now, but trust me, the efforts will be understood in time to come. when your children have children of their own, they will definitely understand the efforts you have put in and appreciate you for what you did. to put things in perspective, did you ever think about how mum felt when you went about your ways when you were young? of cos i am sure you'd say you did not do things wrong. but trust me, we all have done things which we were sure was right although mum didn't approve of but she learned to take it. i can straight away cite examples - doing bible studies, having noisy birthday parties, not wanting to participate in ancestor worship... these are things that defines mum's beliefs but we probably did not agree and in our own ways rebel. the thing is, mum and us have our own beliefs and we define things differently from mum. was mum frustrated? was mum mad? did we not drive her crazy? i am sure we did. but we still do it rite? and now that we are older and more mature, do we not see things differently?

as a continuation of the point above, i think ultimately, mum let go. she let go cos i suspected she gave up trying to force us to see things her way. in doing so, did we go astray? i choose to think we abide by certain values. and i am sure your kids are doing the same. they are learning how to manage their lives. give them a chance. sometimes, they may make mistakes, but they learn. you need to let go. give them the space to explore. your role as a parent of a late teen/ young adult kids is to give them space to explore but to provide them with a safe haven only when they need it. they will come back to help if they need it. give them the space. in doing so, you are also doing yourself a favour.

these are some things i want to share. please see it as a constructive feedback and something to reflect on. you may want to also read this article about choices: http://www.motivateus.com/stories/stephen-covey.htm. remember, everything you want to be or you want to do starts with you. you have the choice.

regards.

Sunday, 11 July 2010

panda bears

now this just cross my mind. there is a name the panda competition rite? for the panda that is coming to singapore next year. why not just call it the "pan-pan" 盼盼 (longing) and "da-da" 大大 (big), ie, wishing/ longing for big things. and the english spells "panda". very singaporean and also very appropriate rite? hahaha.

idea?

:-)

ps: then again, it could be misinterpreted as "long and big". hahaha! hmmm...

i am so sleepy

i donno why... but i feel so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so sleepy these couple of days... zzzzzzzzzz.... but i refuse to sleep... else i won't be able to sleep at nite. and that would be disastrous. cannot imagine going to work looking like a panda bear. argh...

Saturday, 10 July 2010

clearance again!

damned! just when i thought i got out of my previous organisation's clutches, i was asked to submit my name for clearance in my current job. this was due to a project that my current company is doing and that i will be involved as part of the team...

let's hope i don't get into any complications. certainly do not wish to have my management asking for details if my clearance fail...

a little anxious i must say...

let's see how things go...

update on sapphie

been a while since i last post anything about sapphie. well, as of today, i am glad to update that her skin has somewhat cleared up. it is still pinkish once a while and there are still red pokka dots on her buttocks, but on the whole, it is a lot better than what she looked like 2-3 months ago. her skin has also darkened quite a bit due to increased pigmentation (i am not too sure why) but overall, it seemed ok. her fur has started to grow altho she still looked rather naked. will be bringing her back for a review next sunday. let's see what the doctor has to say.

:-)

backside itchy

yes. literally. my buttocks has been itching for the last 2 weeks and the location of the itch seemed to be growing. and yesterday, i noted it looked like a ring. ha! must be fungal infection. went to the doctor today and confirmed it to be ringworm. attributed to fungal spores getting lodge when i possibly scratched my backside... hmmm...

:-)

Friday, 9 July 2010

sing-french

recently, i went to a a neighbourhood cake shop at simei to buy a piece of chocolate gâteau. and that was when i found out how gâteau was pronounced in sing-kah-pour. well, i knew it was chocolate gâteau cos the little placard by the card said so. and this was how my purchase went:

me: hello auntie, can i have a piece of the chocolate gâteau ("gah-toh" as it was supposed to be pronounced)? take away, please.

cake shop auntie: har?

me: oh, i want to take away one chocolate gâteau.

cake shop auntie (staring real hard at me): hhhaaaaarrrrr!?!?!?!?!

me (now, using my finger to point at the cake): i want that one. take away.

cake shop auntie: orh, you want dat chalk-ko-luct gah-tiu har? ok, ok... wait arr...

me: oh... ok, ok...

:-)

Thursday, 8 July 2010

a rude ah-soh

this afternoon, i had lunch with a colleague at the thomson road roti prata store. and while waiting for our pratas, a limping ah-soh walked up to me. she was carrying a huge blue bag and she had several packets of joss sticks.

she laid a few packs of the joss sticks in front of me and asked me to "kao kuan kao kuan" a bit by buying them from her cos her joss sticks were made from some 1500-year old trees. i told her no as i was working but she insisted. she started saying all the good stuff about how my face was bright and full of aura, how my high forehead showed that i am a person of good karma and that if i were to buy the incense and light it in my house's altar, it would increase my merits by many folds and so on. i said no again and that i do not have an altar at home. she tried to convince me again by taking out 3 joss sticks from an open packed and pushing it near my nose. she did so to convince me that the joss stick really smelled good and that because of the good wood it was made from, there was no loose powder from it. once again, i said no. she changed lines and now said that if i were to buy from her, i would win 4d. i said no again and that i do not play 4d. and our insistent ah soh changed tact again. she went on to say that i could consider buying and donate the joss sticks to the nearby temple. and if i were to do that, it would clear away all my bad karma. i was feeling a little irritated by then and again i said no.

sensing she could get no where with me with her religious angle, she changed her tact. she started playing the pitiful ah soh. she said she had not sold any joss sticks and that she was hungry and needed money to buy her lunch. and she went on to tell me that i should take pity on her considering her injured leg and all efforts in travelling from johore to peddle her joss sticks. once again, i told her politely that no, i did not want to buy her joss sticks. and i added that if she was hungry and needed money to buy food, she should just go ahead order the food and i would pay the food for her. she got flustered with my response and replied in a rather curt manner that she only eat vegetarian food. and knowing she was getting no where with me, she started saying rather bad-sounding things. she said something like how we singaporeans are heartless and how we would not even take pity on her, a 60-over limping auntie who was trying to earn a living and la la la... she muttered on and on as she walked off... and next thing i knew, she turned into a stairway less than 10 steps in front of me and went into the shophouse. she did not emerge after that. i could only assume that she knew the owners of the shophouse or that she was putting up there.

i totally did not like such experiences. her changing of tact to try to get me to buy the joss stick made me even more adamant not to do so. and my (malay) colleague was just too stunt to say anything after i explained to him what happened.

sighs!

Tuesday, 6 July 2010

new appointment

went for a meeting in hq today. and then i was told that my appointment got changed to something that sounded a little more professional... and of cos, this was with the intent to make me more high profile in the company... and of cos of cos, i got given more work to do...

is this good or bad?

hmmm...

Sunday, 4 July 2010

moving my blogs away

decided to move some of my postings on my experiences and thoughts as a volunteer teacher to another website.

decided on this as i realized there are a lot of people who are still not comfortable with the whole idea of homosexuality (esp parents). and no, it is not that i am not comfortable with myself or that i have any untoward agenda towards my wards. rather, i do think it is not right to assume that people out there are as comfortable about it and will be able to draw the line clearly between me and the temple. so from this perspective, i think it is a responsible thing to do.

as teachers

so many things went through my mind during class today. today's lesson was on "right action". and the text book focused very very narrowly by only framing 4 of the precepts. that was it. it was rather disappointing. and to me, unaceptable. and although four of the precepts were framed under "right action", the book did not go on to explain that this does not mean that "right action" is restricted to only observing these precepts. to bring this point across, i went into the whole concept of intentionality. and after the fiasco last week, i thought today's class went very well... that particular student made some disturbances but in general behaved reasonably ok. nonetheless, the lesson went on with lots of things going through my mind. and many of these were caused by a particular teacher. these include:

  • as teachers, we need to have a certain level of system-thinking. let me elaborate. in the past few lessons, i see teachers keeping specifically to the text and asking the students to read through the text, para-by-para, word-by-word and then considered the lesson as taught. to me, it was a pure waste of time. given the nature of the topic (noble eight-fold path), it was important to keep iterating that they are all inter-connected. every questions asked provide us with an opportunity to bring up and relate them to previous lessons.
  • as teachers, we need to hold our thoughts, suspend judgments and give our students the space to express themselves. and after that, we can clarify and put their thoughts in the right context. let me elaborate on this. to illustrate the importance of "intentionality" behind every actions, i asked the class to write an action on thier notepad. any action would do i said. that particular teacher quickly added and insisted that that the actions must be something related to the dharma. so i went along. and the class obediently scribbled something on their notepad. one of the boy wrote "running". and next thing i knew, that particular teacher went up to him and chided him for being not serious and insisted that he write something about dharma practise. sighs... i later went on to ask him to elaborate about why he wrote "running". to me, "running" is a perfect example for what i want to bring across - the concept of "intentionality". if one's intention for running is vanity, it is not gonna help the individual advance further in his practise. but if a person runs becos he wants to be healthy so that in a healthy state, he could better concentrate on practising the dharma, then "running" is a "right action"! this boy's answer was a perfect example for my lesson! too often we make all sorts of assumptions at the action-level and fail to clarify the intent. and in this case, i quietly taught the lesson and i guessed the teacher learned later and kept quiet about it.
  • as teachers, we must know how to and draw clear lines between personal views and teaching a specific content/ concept. and this was where i had some tensions. we were on the topic of "right action" and discussed about refraining from sexual misconduct. of cos, with a group of teenagers in front of me, i was deeply aware that this topic would raise some very interesting questions. so what i did was to frame the whole discussion first. the ring i created was from the angle of having a clear conscience/ calm and not hurting or creating suffering in the people you love (be it your husband or your wife). and from this perspective, it was easy to bring in issues of sexual misconduct, ie, no adultery, not cheating, and so on. but again, that particular teacher stepped in and started telling the class that to refrain from sexual misconduct, they should also use the right organ for the right purpose, homosexuals are wrong, good buddhist can only make love at a fixed time of the day, to have sex only in the bedroom and no where else, and so on... to me, i could buy certain parts. but for many others certainly, they sounded really dodgy! well, to give that teacher the benefit of doubt, i should perhaps go and read up more about it, but at that point in time, i kept quiet. the students listened in amazement but thank goodness, did not ask further. perhaps they were just stunt by what all the illogical things she said! i had tensions for i did not know how to tell the teacher off or to stop her. i left it was it was, quickly ended the topic and moved to the next topic.
  • this brought me to the next point - that as teachers, we need to act responsibly and be skillful in guiding our students. these are teenagers. we must recognise that we should partake in the education process with them as learning partners. we need to balance between telling and sharing. in certain aspects, we tell. and in certain aspects, we share and that the students need to go further to search for the truth themselves. our perceptions and understandings of certain concepts are based on our exposure to the world and our experiences. but whether it is the truth is something that we ourselves cannot verify given our limited experience. and for that, we want the students to also think about it, to reflect on it, and to research into it before they are finally convinced of it themselves and internalizing it. and the last thing our students need is to have a whole load of stuff unloaded onto them! sighs...
ok, shall stop here. i still have many thoughts about it. but i shan't expand further. i think the points above captured sufficiently some of the key points i thought of and reflected after today's activity.

Thursday, 1 July 2010

most liveable asian city

2 days ago, i read about singapore being ranked as the most liveable asian city, and third in the world... but judging by the amount of complains, it seemed rather clear that most singaporeans are not happy at all. certainly, singaporeans do not know how to appreciate their own country. i reflected... it is not so much the fact that we are live in the most liveable asian city, it is what's in the mind that is important. sighs... rich, yet very unhappy. imprisoned by their own minds.

sad right? hmmm...

saf day

today is saf day. and i see people posting in the fb profile mentioning something about wishing each other happy saf day and stuff like that. for me, it evoked a sense of disappointment and to a certain degree sadness. a sense of lost too. then again, i have left. i have (or rather, i need to) let go of my past. i must once again not be held hostage by the thoughts that an organisation, that i had dedicated my life to, had turned against me because of my sexuality.

and to a great extend, this feelings is making me avoid my friends whom i had worked with for more than 20 years...