sicko

i really dislike the going-to-fall-sick-yet-not-very-sick feeling. been having this sore throaty, semi-feverish, lethargic condition, slight cough, frequent sneezing and terrible body aches for a couple of days... yet technically, i am not fully sick yet. as always, this means a huge flu is coming.

been downing loads of water, liang teh (cooling herbal tea), and so on... still, i feel it coming...

haiz...

20!

when i posted this couple of days back, it didn't occur to me at all that my niece actually turned 20 today! omg! it seemed not so long ago when she was just borned and i had carried her and looked after her. those were the days when i still stay in marine parade! :-)

it's amazing how time just slipped by without you even realizing it!

i almost died

often i hear people saying how their life flashed pass them at certain critical moments such as when they were faced with life-threatening incidents. today, i can say that this cannot be true, and if it is, then the incident must have been a rather long one becos some incidents are so split second that there wasn't even enough time for such thoughts to occur.

you see, earlier as i was driving along the tampines expressway (tpe), something happened. i was cruising at about 80-90kmph along the expressway. there were lots of car and the car in front of me was less than 15m in front of me (or so it seemed). as i looked into the rear mirror, a car was speeding towards me. just as he was about to close in to a very uncomfortable distance behind me, an object appeared from the undercarriage of the car in front of me. the object flew towards me. directly in the direction of my face. it looked like it would smash point blank into my windscreen.

for that split second, many things happened concurrently. i could only interpret what the object was (circular, metallic, shining, about 1m in diameter, and it was spinning) and what my possible reactions could be (jam-break and let the car behind crash into me, swerve to the left and hit another car, swerve to the right and hit the road divider, or keep steady and absorb the brunt of the impact). in that milli-second, the object continued it's parabolic path - fast, furious; yet, in an eerie sense that i could not explain, slow. it seemed like time had slowed down suddenly just before impact. there was no time to let life flash before me. it was too short. i need to decide my course of action. a wrong decision would mean certain death. i held my steering wheel tight. if it were to crash into me, then i, and only i will die. so be it. it would have been a better end-state than if i were to kill someone if i had reacted any other way... the moments before impact seemed a blur.

and then suddenly, time stood still. luck was on my side. the object spinned such that it's face was on the same plane as the road surface. it must have been the air flow around a moving car, just millimeters before it hit my bonnet, the object took a sudden twist and it hit the road surface. my car ran over it. i heard it bounced before it hit my car belly. a loud crashing sound. my sense of hearing overpowered every other senses. the loud crash turned into a series of clangs and then everything went back to normal. in that split moment, all was quiet. everything around me was blank. next thing i knew, i was still driving. the car in front quickly filtered to the center lane. i overtook it. the lady driver turned her head and stared at me. she too had fear on her face. i was not sure what happened to the car behind. i maintained my driving speed.

and as i said, no, my life did not flash pass me. time just stood still. at one stage, my heart stopped momentarily, my blood stopped flowing. it was eerie. it felt longer than the actual time it lasted. i arrived home some 10 minutes later. still feeling traumatized. and there was cold perspiration.

even now, i still feel a little unsettled. i think i'll bring my dog for a walk.

uncle

was at ikea and chanced upon an ex-colleague, a lady in her early 40s. she was with was another lady... looked like she's in her mid-20s... called out to my colleague and she walked up to me. we exchanged some pleasantries and next thing i knew, the mid-20s lady called out "hello uncle". my colleague quickly introduced her as her daughter. secondary 4 (16 yr old). for that one single moment, i didn't know how to respond. the only words that i could utter was something like - oh, so big already huh?... in my mind, i was so so totally unprepared for someone who looked so `old' to address me as uncle. well... of cos, there had been cases of market aunties calling me uncle... but that was in a very different context...

hmmm... then again, my nieces are already close to 20 yrs old and they call me `uncle'... hmmm... whatever... some things one just cannot not avoid. anyway, back to my colleague. despite the split second shock, i quickly regain myself. we spoke for a quick moment more and she left...

:-)

lame joke

qn: why did the north korea president not appear in public?

ans: because he is kim jong ill.

lame... haha... send this sms to my nieces and a few friends. francis got it immediately. some replied in all honesty (er,.. becos he did not want to answer for his nuclear activities replied my niece). most did not but understood and laughed immediately when i send them the reply. and well... only one did not get it... yes, only one. heh heh... thomas oh thomas... 24 hrs later this evening, he sent me another sms... er, your sms yesterday, i am still not sure what that was all about... that was so so thomas :-)

heh heh...

mum's birthday

this morning, the doctor called me again and repeated what the previous doctor said yesterday... about blood test, etc. and i asked her if mum could be discharged today. from her tone, she seemed somewhat curious... and i explained that today is mum's birthday. the next thing i knew, she exclaimed... "oh, yes! oh yes! well, i'll talk to my boss and see if she can leave by this evening latest. oh, oh, i must go and wish her happy birthday!..." heh, i was rather tickled by her response.

this afternoon, i got a call from mum telling me that she had been cleared for discharged. went to the hospital and got her one of her favourite dessert - durian ice. she was asleep, tired from all the sleepless nights in this new ward. and she's totally knocked out after being given morphine by the nurses after a light lunch.

woke her up eventually and got her home. and cooked for her dinner. and bought some extra food as a treat for her birthday. nothing special, just simple daily fare - tau pok, bitter gourd, braised egg, minced meat, black pepper chicken, prawn fritters... and i must say her appetite was really very good! felt so good to be able to see her down one whole bowl of porridge and all the condiments i bought... simple pleasures, but to someone who had to observe her diet very carefully, this meal was one great highlight for her. it meant everything to her.

and me.

happy 76th birthday mum.

:-)

health check

got a call from sgh this morning. they will be sending mum for another round of blood checks today. this will be followed by assessment by the pain management center. if confirm that everything is ok (ie, blood count normal), she can be discharged from hospital.

either by tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.

:-)

inventing the future

the best way to predict the future is to invent it...

a phrase i saw on a company van this morning. thought it is very meaningful and decide to post it here.

:-)

lead of the family

for the longest time ever, there had not been a gathering of my paternal-side relatives. thus, my cousin's wedding dinner last evening was, to me, a significant event. i must say it was a very good turn out of family members. my elders all turned up in force. and i suspect that this good turn out was in a way a result of many who felt that this could possibly the last occasion where all of us, common descendants of our great grandfather, could congregate together again. my dad's siblings and their children (my first cousins), my dad's cousins, their children (my second cousins), and so on... most turned up.

and i found myself assuming a lead position insofar as my family is concerned. i was in charge. i had assumed the head of my family now that my dad was no longer around. with this responsibility, the need to behave as one came very naturally. it was not something that i had planned. but it was something that just occurred when my dad's siblings and cousins (my aunts and uncles) all came up to me and talked to me with a tone that was rather serious and without any question about the new status that was entrusted upon me. interestingly, this consciousness also made me extra aware of the fact that i must also reciprocate my elder's acknowledgment of me as a lead of my family. and as a mark of respect to my elders, i went up to my 3rd uncle to `officially' congratulate him. he is now technically the most senior male elder for his generation. and i'd also make sure that i symbolically go to all my dad's siblings to pay my respects.

admittedly, this consciousness of status took me by surprise. is this just me or is this something seen in all chinese families? or is it an asian thing? am i, or are we so influenced by confucious' teachings of the family as the core of our existence that it has become part of our behavioural dna?

i am still thinking.

normal ward

mum was finally moved from the high dependency ward to the normal ward this afternoon. gave my mum a glass of pear juice this afternoon and i guessed that helped her system for she cleared everything in her system when i saw her in the evening. her face was so rosy and bright. i guessed clearing her system had helped. it was such a huge contrast compared to her paleness when she was admitted last thursday night. and for the first time in 3 days, she was allowed to take soft food. a small bit of porridge, some meat and vegetable. good for a start. had also given her chicken essence with cordyceps.

:-)

world aids day 2008

1 dec 08
- world aids day -

wedding

amidst all the stress and strains,
i actually am looking forward to tomorrow.
my cousin's wedding.
there has not been a wedding in my paternal side
since goodness knows when!
tomorrow it will also mark
the marriage of
the last of the 4 third generation males
in my sim family

let's see what i should wear...
my chinese dragon suit?
or my baba singapore orchid batik?
the former seemed a little taboo cos my suit is totally black
the batik would bring out my maternal side baba heritage,
black nonetheless,
but at least it has lots of huge floral motive...

such dilemmas...

:-)

stomach ulcers

visited my mum at the hospital in the evening. was briefed by the surgeon managing my mum. during the scope, the doctor found up to 7 huge ulcers in the stomach. when i saw the photos, i was shock! i could even feel the pain just looking at the photos! was told that the ulcers had stopped bleeding. however, the doctors were not able to give any comment on the cause of the ulcers. some tissues had been taken out and sent for biopsy. will have to wait further for the results. for now, at least the doctors were able to identify the cause of the problems and have started giving her medications to tackle the ulcers. mum should be able to take some liquid food in 2 to 3 days.

blood transfusion

as at lunchtime, mum had been transfused with 1 pint of blood and half of the second pint. was told she would be given a total of 3 pints. had also received a call from the doctor asking me to give consent for her to be scoped. apparently, it seemed like my mum was against the idea of scoping when it was told to her this morning. but when i visited her, she readily agreed. with the blood transfusion going on, her face was a bit more rosy and lively (although still cannot move).

and as i am typing this post, she is undergoing the scope. was told she would be under some mild sedation and that they would scope her stomach and a small portion of her small intestines. results expected later this evening.

blood deficiency

had not slept well for the past 3 nights due to nightmares. some dreams about my mum but could not recall what the dreams were when i woke up. just felt something bad was going to happen. just this morning (or rather, yesterday morning), i had told bee that i sensed something really bad would happened to my mum soon. soon enough, my second sis smsed me late afternoon when i was at work telling me that my mum had constipated since sunday. it didn't sound good and i did not feel too good about it. it sounded too similar to one previous incident in 2006. i immediately rushed down to see her. decided to make some vegetable porridge for her for dinner and to assure myself that she was ok. and seeing her finished the vegetable porridge, i felt better. i left her not long after. that was about 5.30pm.

at about 8.45pm, i received an sms from my brother telling me that he had brought my mum to sgh a&e. i was in the middle of my dinner with bee at ikea tampines. rushed down to the hospital. mum had apparently turned pale not too long after i left. and she complained of chest pains and had weakened tremendously. when i saw her at the a&e critical care ward, she was mumbling weakly "sakit, sakit" (malay for pain, pain) none stop. her face was terribly pale. the doctor attending to her conducted quite a few tests - ecg, blood test, x-rays, and so on... she was then transferred to the observation ward. and at about midnight, we were told that her blood count was critically low and based on her stool test, she had apparently suffered some internal bleeding.

she was given some injection, put on a drip and was immediately admitted. i was told that she would be given urgent blood transfusion before day break. later today, the doctors would be scoping her stomach to check for possible internal tears before deciding on an appropriate management plan. before i left her at about 3 plus earlier, i asked if she was scared or if she was worried. as expected, she answered no, confidently.

she is a strong woman. i hope she can pull through this.

cruising on the roads

looking at cuties and getting return looks while driving on the road gives the phrase "cruising on the road" a whole new meaning!

and talking about this, on my way home earlier, i stopped by a traffic junction at mandai road. in the midst of replying an sms, i sensed someone staring at me. a pick up had apparently stopped alongside and in it, i saw a superbly cute boy (early 20's i guess...), i returned the look / stare, and he quickly looked away. just then the lights turned green. and next thing i knew, he struck a superman pose and shouted something... and then he sped off... kawaiii neh! can die! i tried to catch up but that guy was really a road speedster! he was going like 120km/hr along a 60km/hr road!

well, i smiled and continued my way home!

:-)

image from http://www.fathead.com

my early years

listening to the stories told by my mum (about her early days, difficulties with my grands, child-bearing years), it was no wonder that i grew up bearing a very strong hatred towards my grandma. i couldn't make sense of why my mum bothered to continue to look after my grandma when she was old. i couldn't make sense of why she went through all the troubles to take care of my grandma, bathe her, clothed her, and tended to her every needs during my grandma's last days. i couldn't understand her even after she explained to me that it was her duty to do so as a daughter-in-law.

and this is one thing about my mum that i really admired. her sense of duty - that once you marry into a family, you stick by it.

despite the many times she left home when i was a little boy, she would returned after a few days. she just couldn't bear the thought of leaving my dad for good. call it stupid call it foolish, whatever you term it, she had stuck by my dad and his family. time and again when i asked her why, she kept telling me it is cos she had married my dad and that based on a fortune teller's advise, if she were to endure, she would be able to last a lifetime with my dad. she did.

i was closer to my mum, my dad was an invisible character given the fact that he worked shifts. her story telling also had a very strong but negative effect on me. from her stories, i naively ended up expressing my dislike for my grandma by resisting anything chinese/ hokkien. for example, when i was a boy, i would try to identify myself more as peranakan instead of hokkien. i would wear sarong, listen to malay songs, dance the joget, sing the dondang sayang, etc... everything i did, it was simply out of spite. in a way, i denied my own chineseness.

these were the key factors that influenced my identity during my formative years. my dislike for all things chinese lasted until my junior college days when i re-discover chinese culture all over again.

old stories - part 3

the preceding post covered my mum's early marriage years. this part will focus on my mum's life from the time my second sis was borned to the time my brother was borned

• my second sis was borned in aug 1961. by then, my parents had moved out of kampong paya lebar and have moved to upper paya lebar road (near tai seng village). it was a birth that took my mum by surprise. she arrived early. being inexperienced with childbirth and given that the due date was still some time away, she did not expect my sis's arrival. all she knew was that she felt an ache at the tummy and had wanted to go to the toilet. things happened very fast then and before she knew it, the water bag burst and my second sis arrived. (a second version of this story, which was also related to me by my mum, when she's demented, was that my second sis was born in the taxi as she rushed to the hospital after her water bag burst, whichever story is the correct one, there is one consistency - that my sis was born out of the hospital in a place that is unexpected).

• the arrival of my second sis meant that there are two baby girls in the family now. this did not go well with my grandma. and given the strong desire to have a grandson, somehow, all the hatred were directed onto my mum, and i suspect, indirectly, my second sis.

• my grandma increased her pressure on my dad to leave my mum. this created tremendous stress on my mum. some of the things that my grandma resorted to include, amongst others, black magic, burning and drinking of talismans, drugging my dad, and so on. at one stage, my dad left my mum and went back to live with my grandma.

• between 1961 and 1965, my mum got pregnant two more times. both times, my grandma drugged her and cast spells (don't ask me how) on her. and both times, she miscarried. the two babies she lost were boys. this didn't matter to my grandma for she had reach a point where she just wanted my dad to divorce her. amidst all these, my grandpa sided with my mum. he felt that my grandma had not been fair to my mum.

• by this time, the emotional stress and strains had taken its toll on my mum. she went into depression and had to be placed on anti-depressant medication for life. my mum attempted suicide a few times but did not succeed. during one of the occasions, she woke up and found herself in the hospital. and in her bad state, she saw the vision of sakyamuni buddha in front of her. a monk paid her a visit, said some prayers and gave her some holy water. my mum claimed that she felt a sense of relieve and that all tensions in her was cleared. when she left the hospital, the first thing she did was to make her way to the temple. it was located at upper thomson road. the monk that prayed for her was the resident monk of this temple. the buddha that she saw had the same likeness as the buddha in this temple (see picture). it was then that she got herself baptised into buddhism. the resident monk that baptised her was none other that master hong choon, and the temple is kong meng san phor kak see (also known as bright hill temple). my mum was given the buddhist name "bu hao".

• things became a little better after this spat of events. my dad returned. in dec 1966, i was borned. i would not have been borned had my two elder brothers survived. my birth also marked the arrival of a first boy in the family. things got a bit better. 3 years later in may 1969, my brother was borned. not long after that my granddad passed away.

old stories - part 2

the preceding post had focused on my mum's early years. this part shall focus on the early days of my mum's marriage.

• mum came from a peranakan family, whereas dad came from a hokkien family. mum's family was very much localised in their way of life and her father was rather westernised, having been schooled in english and worked as a clerk in a law firm. in contrast, my paternal grandfather was a coolie that came from china. my dad, for that matter, was smuggled into singapore by my paternal grandparents. naturally, dad's family was superbly old-thinking when it came to marriages and kids, etc. as a result, mum was not well-liked by my paternal grandma (her mum-in-law) and this tension was to subsequently wreck havoc for her. 

• by the 50s, mum's family had moved to paya lebar (where the paya lebar mrt now stands), and she lived a few houses away from dad. they fell in love and one day, dad went over to her house and asked for her hand in marriage. my maternal grandfather agreed, on condition that he take care of her well. they were ahead of their time as during those days in the mid-50's, a lot of marriages were still pre-arranged. but for them, they met, fell in love. 

• my mum married my dad on the 26 oct 1956. they were both 24 yrs old at that time. it was an event that the whole kampong turned up to watch. my mum wore a white wedding dress matched with white hand bouquets. similarly my dad wore a full white suit. they looked very matching. as per tradition, my mum cried as she left her house for my dad's house (which was a few houses down the kampong lane).

• from the start, my grandma did not like my mum. she had preferred my dad to marry a chinese woman, not a peranakan. not a nonya from down the lane. such was the mentality of the older generation where they preferred their sons to marry someone from their own clan. my dad's had broken all rules and married someone from outside his hokkien clan.

• the early years of my mum's marriage was bad. she was ostracized and often criticized by my grandma for not being able to bear any grand children even after three years of her marriage. at one stage, my grandma even went as far as tried to arrange for my dad to take up a second wife, or at least, have an affair with someone so that he could sire a grandchild for her.
  

• this caused my mum tremendous emotional strain. in desperation, she consulted a medium. the medium advised her to adopt a baby and told her that if she adopt a girl, she would be able to bear a daughter. and that if she adopt a boy, she would be able to get a son. in desperation, she started looking for a baby for adoption. it so happened that her eldest brother, my tua ku, had just had a daughter. and because he already had many children (i think he already had 6 or 7 children by then), he gave his newly borned daughter to my mom. this baby girl is now my eldest sis.

• my eldest sis brought some reprieve to my mum. nonetheless, being a daughter of my uncle, my uncle and maternal grandfather had warned my dad that he should treat my sis well or he would have to face consequences. he doted on her. but as he had wanted a son (as per all traditional chinese family), he would dress my eldest sis as a boy. this was to carry on until my sis reached school going age.

• two years later, in 1961, my mum gave birth to my second sis. for some unknown reasons, my dad didn't like my second sis. he would show superbly strong favouritism between the two girls. this eventually took its toll on my second sis. the pain and anger still exist today.

that was how my two sisters came into being in the late 50s to early 60s. the arrival of my second sister and the absence of any baby boy in the family saw the start of a series of events that would eventually destroy my mum. this will be covered in the next post.

old stories - part 1

i always find it very enjoyable to talk to my relatives about the past... and for that matter, from my parents and siblings, about their experiences when they were young, when i was still too young to know what the hell was going on. it is always very interesting to hear different views and different aspects of each other in the days passed. the following are some stories that i heard over the pass years/ months from my mum.

• my mum was borned on 02 dec 1932. at the time of her birth, my grandparents stayed at geylang lorong 33. the place is still around but she could no longer remember the house she had stayed. during her growing up days, my grandfather would bring her and her sisters out to play when she was a young girl. she remembered being brought to the padang but all these ended after my grandfather got himself a second wife. my grandfather often quarrelled with my grandma after that.

• amongst my mum's sisters and her, she was the most obedient, introverted and naive. because of her introversion, my grandfather gave my mum the nickname "bisu" (meaning "mute") when she was young. my mum was often bullied by her siblings, and even my grandmother. but my grandfather protected her, despite being very strict with her. 

• my grandfather would allocate my mum and her sisters specific houseworks to do. for her, her duties were marketing and cooking. as for my aunts, they were tasked to do other things in the household such as cleaning the dishes. they never got to learn the finer details of peranakan cooking as a result. because of that, she grew up being the main cook of the household and her brothers would all eat only her cooking and not when my aunts cooked. she went on to be the midwife/ cook for my eldest uncle when his children were born.

• besides cooking for the family, she also ironed the clothes of the family. my uncles would not wear clothes that were ironed by my aunts as they often complained it was not "shiny" enough. those days, they would starch their clothes and when ironed, the clothes would look shiny and stiff enough to "stand". 

• my maternal parents always believed that girls are considered a curse. they should be kept out of sight, not attend schools and be confined to the kitchen. as a result, all my maternal-side aunts, less my 5th aunt, did not get any formal education. as for my mum, she secretly learned english from my uncles. at her peak, she was able to speak and write basic english. as for my 5th aunt, she was lucky in that my grand-dad decided to sent her to school and she managed to complete basic-level education (equivalent to primary school in todays' context). she grew up educated, married a principal and moved to penang eventually. 

• during the japanese occupation, life was tough and my grandparents had to sell some of the daughters off as `slaves' to rich chinese families in return for food and cash. my mum and my 3rd aunt were sold to two different families that resided in lim teck boo area (an area near upper paya lebar today). my mum was given the name kim lan and was made to do housework as well as to tend the domestic fowls. during those days, life was bad. they would survive on cassava porridge and nothing else. and to keep them going, my aunt would steal freshly hatched eggs. she would eat them raw and hid the shells by burying them in the soil.

• according to my mum, i had a grand uncle who was taken away during the japanese occupation period. accordingly, the japanese soldiers came to the house one night and took him away after he confessed that he had worked for the harbour board. he never came back. the family learned later that he was killed but never received any further news of the location of his body.

• after the japanese occupation, for reasons unknown, my mum and 3rd aunt returned to my grandparents. the family had moved from geylang lorong 33 to paya lebar kampong (opposite the current paya lebar mrt station). that was where she met my dad who lived just a few houses from her.

• my maternal grandmother never really liked my mum when she was young. my mum said this was because she didn't work as thus could not give her (my grandmother) allowances. on the other hand, my grandmother was closer to my third aunt (my mum's elder sister) as she worked and gave her allowances. for that matter, my grandmother was afraid of my third aunt cos apart from providing her with allowances, my third aunt also was famous for standing up to her rights. she would demand for things and would go as far as to raise her voice at my grandmother. thankfully, my third aunt would also stand up for my mum whenever she felt my grandmother was unfair.

• my mum and her sisters (especially my third aunt) would head to the cinema every other days to watch shows. those days, each ticket cost 60cents and they would watch weekday shows when the cinema was less crowded. some of the cinemas that they would frequent include singapura in geylang serai where shows by p ramlee were often shown, as well as capitol and cathay in town.

• in the old days, workers were categorised simply as clerks (white-collared workers) (or in hokkien - zhai hu), or  labourers (blue-collared workers). generally, clerks were generally more respected and earned more compared to labourers. my grandfather was a clerk and worked in a law firm (think he was an administration assistant or something). as a result, he took back a good salary (relatively speaking). on year ends when he gets his bonuses, he would give $30 to my mum and her sisters. they would splurge on dresses, much to the displeasure of my grandfather. to him, it was the kebaya and nothing else. dresses were for cabaret girls, he would say.

• my parents were ahead of their time. during those days in the mid-50's, a lot of marriages were still pre-arranged. but for my parents, they met, fell in love and eventually got married on 26 oct 1956. i understood that my mum was not well-liked by my paternal grandma (her mum-in-law) and this tension was to subsequently wreck havoc for her.

will add on as i go along...

start of year end...

if the past two days were a reflection of the next few weeks, i'll probably be bored to death. all courses that my college conducts have ended. things are quiet without the students. and from next week, most of my colleagues will be clearing their leave and heading overseas for their year end holidays. for me, i will most probably be at work blasting my computer keyboard away. have been given the task to get the training management plan out. need to do it before the next course starts in jan 09 cos once it starts, i will be fully engaged with my students.

i have also started reflecting about my life in 2008. and as it stands, i still cannot find a good descriptor that can aptly describe it. all i know was that this year, family-wise, it couldn't be worst - my dad passed away, my mum got very much weaker, i came out to my brother, my brother `disowned' me, my eldest sister stopped talking to me, and so on... personal/ work life was however much better - i graduated with a masters degree, i got my job extended, i have also made a couple of good friends (although many have also faded away)... 3 more months to go before the rat makes way for the cow (or buffalo... watever).

as the prediction goes, the year of the rat will be a challenging one for me. i can now see why. 3 more months to go. let's see how much more challenging this rat year will be for me. as it stands, all predictions point to a better year ahead and i really look forward to it.

image from http://www.wallpapergate.com/

baby me

this was me - 4 months old. overweight baby. one of my earliest studio photo. pride and joy of my parents.

:-)

my bee bee

this is my bee bee when he was a beh bee (baby). there is a 12-year age gap between us even the baby photos shows - mine was in black and white whereas his is in colour.

:-)

renting out

it was weird when out of no when i received 4-5 continuous calls from my mum at about 8plus this morning. the calls were about bringing her personal stuff to my brother's place. it was weird for a few reasons - firstly, it was early. for sundays, 8plus was considered early. we would usually wake up closer to 9am. secondly, my mum had earlier reminded me to keep her stuff at my home intact. this so that she could visit me once she's stronger. she even told me she will visit me in dec. thirdly, to receive 4-5 calls from her continuously was unprecendented. far as my mum was concerned, she would call me once or twice at most. but getting 4-5 calls reflected a certain urgency that i have never observed before.

at first, i obliged and just agreed to bring whatever she asked - slippers, bolster cover, clothes, shoes, hand cream, and so on. i took it as that she just wanted her personal stuff close to her. nonetheless, i could not make sense of her urgency given that she had earlier reminded me to keep her stuff well and intact. and for a moment, i was kinda worried. and when the calls kept coming none stop, i decided to ask her why. admittedly, i was beginning to feel a bit annoyed.

she told me that she understood from my 3rd uncle that i will be renting out her room and as such, she wanted to make sure i don't lose her things. i was shocked. i asked for further details. apparently, my uncle had told my brother that he learned from my cousin i will be renting out the house (this is where the story got a bit distorted). i reminded myself not to make any assumptions or jump to any conclusions about the background of this hearsay. i assured her that i will not be doing so as i am still waiting for her to recover so that she could come and stay with me. i also reminded her that if there should be anything she wanted to know of me, she should ask me direct and not make conclusions from what she heard from others - even if it was my uncles, cousins and so on for that matter.

with this assurance, she told me that i need not bring her stuff to her anymore. and that i should continue to keep it in her room for her. uneventful episode. shan't read too much into it. it could be a case of miscommunications, it could be a case of my mum being confused, and so on.

crying mum

visited my mum at about noon yesterday and saw her eyes wet and tearing. understood from the domestic helper that she had been crying the whole morning as her legs were painful. she smiled when i visited her. she was weak and had no strength to even sit up properly. i had to cajole her into eating the bowl of porridge.

today, visited her again. she looked a little stronger and could take small steps. spoke with her as we watched tv. she told me she had dreamed of my dad last night. she said that in her dream, she and my dad were playing games. she asked for the time. and when i told her it was 1 plus, she gave a small sigh and said that being a weekend, there was no 1pm news. and then she added that my dad would always relate stories to her when he watched the 1pm news every day. she told me she missed my dad. kinda sad when i heard it. but it was understandable. having been married to him for more than 52 years, it must have been very difficult not to miss him after his demise.

i left my brother's place with a heavy heart.

course graduation

this time last year, i posted a blog about the end of a course i managed. and once again, i am posting another blog here about the current course that will graduate today. this year's course was no less packed and busy compared to last year. however, as i was not the main co-ordinator, the level of interactions with the students was much less intense.

regardless, i still see the students like my babies (i am sure all educators/ teachers can understand what i mean and how i feel). it was certainly very satisfying to see them grow and mature over the last 5 over weeks. and i am sure i will feel very proud when i see them walk up the stage to receive their certificate later today. i am also equally sure that when i get back to office next week, i will feel a little sense of lost and emptiness. then again, i have learned to detach myself from these feelings and to focus on taking a `rest' and to look forward to start of the next course.

:-)

home

it felt almost like a miracle when i received the sms from the domestic helper this morning telling me that mum's tube had been removed and that she would be discharged this evening. almost couldn't believed it cos just last evening, she was still incoherent and confused. anyway, when i picked her up in the evening, she looked well and did not appear confused at all. apart from her weakness, she was generally ok and she could talk to me.

for now, her medications had been changed and she had been told to stay on strict porridge diet.

:-)

of doctors and wikipedia

it was certainly not very assuring for patients and families alike to see a doctor doing some checks in wikipedia for some whatever symptoms while he makes his rounds. but that was exactly what i witnessed when i visited my mum at the hospital two days back...

anyway, i visited my mum today and was told that she might be able to eat porridge from tomorrow. also, the tube that was inserted thru her nostril into her stomach for tube-feeding could possibly be removed tomorrow given that she is responding well to her medications. nonetheless, she was still a little confused and kept thinking that she was at home. but it was clear that the possibility of having the tube removed had certainly cheered her up. and she was telling me that she might be going home very soon.

i was so happy to see her so cheerful.

:-)

flight of dragons

i am so glad to have found this clip in youtube. this is one of the most memorable cartoon for me. watch it when i was a boy and till today i could still sing the song :-)

flight of dragons (don mclean)
flight of dragons soar in the purple light
in the sky or in my mind
flight of dragons sail past reality
leave illusion behind

is it the past i see
when i look up to the heavens
believing in the magic
that i know could never be

i want to go where they are going
into the world they've been
can i open up my mind enough to see

flight of dragons, heavenly argosies
catch the wind, rise out of sight
flight of dragons, pilots of fantasy
in the sky or in my mind

flight of dragons
flight of dragons

changi? cck?

there was one big worrying thing we observed when we visited mum earlier on. she has had the the tube inserted. and after given the milky solution, she started having mild diarrhea. but the most worrying thing was the fact that she kept forgetting where she was. one moment, she said she was in changi (my place), the next moment, she said she was in cck (my brother's place). and then she would remind us to keep her slippers despite the fact the her slippers were at home.

despite all these, i was at least glad that she was rather cheerful when we spoke with her.

tube feeding

good news - my mum looked a little better today following antibiotics treatment.

bad news - the hospital discovered that her oesophagus has become constricted and suspected that it was the cause of her constant vomiting. the doctor also suspected that some of the regurgitated food could have flowed into her lungs thereby causing the pneunomia. to minimize regurgitation, she has been kept off all food since saturday. and in order to sustain her, the hospital has placed her on tube feed. further tests are still being conducted. we were also told that there is a possibility that she may be placed on tube feed permanently. when told of the need to insert the tube, my mum was very hesitant. she kept asking if it was going to be painful and it took us a lot of effort to explain to her that she will feel at most some minor discomfort. i find this behaviour very weird. all her life, she has been very brave and receptive of treatment. in addition, she has all along been very tolerant of pain. perhaps it was not pain that she was afraid of?

:-(

being judgemental

last week, i was walking pass my colleague's office when i overheard a very interesting conversation. apparently, my big boss was also inside and my colleague, upon reading the newspaper, passed a remark about how mainlander chinese were too much to brand gong li a traitor for obtaining singapore citizenship. after he passed that remark, my big boss added something along the line that chinese people could be unreasonable and that they could be over-nationalistic and brand people all sorts of negative names just because they do not conform to what a mainlander would consider to be norm.

before the conversation could proceed further, i interjected. i reminded them that we had reacted similarly when our fellow singaporeans migrated sometime back. i reminded them that we had labeled our own people "quitters". well, upon my interjection, a momentary silence followed and next thing i knew, i boss acknowledged with a hummppphh and nod. the conversation died straight away.

guess sometimes we can be blinded by our own pride and made conclusions too fast without realising that we had committed similar acts before.

100 days

it's past 11pm. that means, it's 100 days since my dad passed away. that also means that my mourning will end today (technically, tomorrow) (ya, confusing i know, but 11pm is considered a new day for the lunar calender)... and tomorrow (which is technically still the 100th day), we'll have to head to the columbarium again for the final rites.

all over again. same process as per what we went through over the past 3 months or so. but sadly, this time round, my mum will not be able to join us as she's in the hospital. it's sad cos this is the day she had looked forward to. and i can imagine how disappointed she must be feeling. she had dutifully carried out what she felt was her responsibilities as a wife. she sat beside his coffin throughout the wake. occasionally, she would limp her way to the side of the coffin and spoke to him. after the funeral, she ensured we paid our respects on the 1st, 3rd, 5th and 7th week after his demise. she also made sure we carried out the prayers on his birthday. she will not be with us tomorrow. but she can be assured we will do the necessary prayers. the past 3 months had passed very quickly. overall, i am glad that there was a lot of closure for everyone over my dad's passing.

i must now ensure my mum lives her remaining days happy.

national service days

listening to the song "明天會更好" certainly brought back a lot of memories, especially of my ns days. the song was released when i did my cadet training in taiwan and it kept me company when i was confined to camp during my r&r for misfiring during one of the company training... well, will expand on this another time. but for now, i think it would be appropriate to write some quick bites about my ns days in the 80s. the 2 over years were certainly very good and very memorable for me.

ns in 80s were really tough. that was the time when the army trains a person's character and endurance. by today's standards, it would have been branded ill treatment many times over. leadership development was a very hands on affair. unlike today where it focuses a lot more on the cognitive domain and reflection. less on the hands on and even much less on the experiential learning part. well... will write those another time. the following list some very quick tours i did as an nsf.

i was enlisted into the army and was posted to infantry training depot (itd) for my basic military training (bmt). that was in tekong. mar 1985. i was posted to lion company, platoon 41 section 3 bed 5.

after my bmt, i landed in officer cadet school (ocs). i was in the 2/85 iocc batch and served my 9 months as a cadet in echo company, platoon 15. section 1. bed 9 (i was the only one to retain this room from junior to senior term). ocs was hell. i wouldn't go through it again if i had a choice. but it certainly holds a lot of good memories for me. how we were tekan-ed. how we were stripped of all our dignity from the start, go through 9 months of hell and emerged as young officers.

following my ocs, i was posted to infantry training depot (itd) as platoon commander (pc). itd trains recruits and i was the pc for platoon 26, gryphon company - the siao on company. took two batches of recruits before assuming the concurrent appointment of company 2nd-in-charge (2ic). after my company tactics and basic intelligence course, i was posted back to itd as a project officer in the headquarters until i went for my uni studies in jul 87.

:-)

the following are the details

• 1985 - my bmt 
• 1985 - 2/85 iocc (1) 
• 1985 - 2/85 iocc (2) 
• 1985 - 2/85 iocc (3) 
• 1985 - 2/85 iocc (4) 
• 1986 - 2/85 iocc (5)
• 1985 - 1986 - my ocs songs
• 1986 - 1987 - completing my ns

tomorrow will be better

dennis posted this song "明天會更好" (it means "tomorrow will be better") in his blog. listening to it reminds me so much of my ocs days back in the mid-80s. the days of pants so baggy you can put two chicken inside, and where the size of our shoulder pads were comparable to a size-d bra cup! ahem ;-) anyway, the lyrics of the song is so apt in today's gloomy climate. tomorrow will be better. i am sure. hang on there. the only direction possible when things are at its lowest point is up.

and on a separate note, some further reflections:

• what happened to taiwan? when the song was recorded in the '80s, taiwan was in its hey days. the people were proud, united and very much nationalistic. taiwan today is nothing near what it was then. has democracy brought it to what it is today? or was it a case of the country being hijacked by politics?

• all the singers look so young. these were the heavyweights in the entertainment scene then. today, many are still around and still very influential in the scene. still very diva, in fact, more so. in contrast, today's entertainer/ singers come and go very quickly. i see similar developments in the west. why? case of technology? case of commercialisation?

bedbugs

when i was at the a&e observation ward earlier, i observed this very interesting (and somewhat funny) incident. one staff nurse asked another: "how?! how?! how?! i got a patient who's been warded. but the patient has bedbugs and the ward has refused to accept... how?! how?!"

heh heh... i supposed such occurrences in singapore hospitals are few and rare and when it happens, it can be rather difficult. well, after calling a few numbers, she managed to sent the patient to the isolation ward.

:-)

pneumonia

mum has been diagnosed with pneumonia. to be admitted for further tests. for now, things seemed ok.

mum in hospital

just received this sms from my brother - mum is critically ill and very weak. she is now in sgh a&e. doctors assessing her. expected to be warded.

bloated n swollen

there are things happening to mum these couple of weeks that i cannot understand. for example, why did her legs get bloated and swollen a couple of weeks back? and when she went to see the doctor, she was told she had drunk too much water. she was given some medication and everything went back to normal. and then came bloated hands... and today, her face apparently got bloated. and my brother gave her some medications to bring it down. looking at the trend, it seemed rather worrisome. could it be that her kidneys are failing? or could it be related to her heart? or her diet? what other reasons could there be?...

sighs...

osama obama

not sure if anyone noticed this... media in the states (not sure about the world) have started referring osama bin laden as "bin laden" instead of "osama" following the rise of obama from party nominee to president-elect and in the near future, president.

interestingly, while this switch from first name to last name (surname) for osama may minimize the likelihood for confusing the two, it may possibly create confusions for their immigration people when it comes to clearing people whose fathers are called laden. for that matter, i personally think americans can be quite bad when it comes to understanding how names are used in different cultures. i am aware that for sometime after 911, people with a "bin" in their name were given special attention when clearing customs in the united states. i even have a chinese friend who was detained and questioned cos he was mistaken to be a muslim as the second character of his chinese name is "bin". you know, the hanyu pinyin translation thing... and when you move his surname to the back, his name looks exactly like that of a muslim name... xxx bin yyy. poor chap. he was so traumatised by the whole process. and it was no fault of his!

:-)

immature

once a while, i would log in to straits times to read their news coverage. and often, i would go into the forum to read reader's views about the articles. and when i do it, it never fails to amaze me how immature some people can be (just take a look at the postings in the article about the tigers and you know what i mean). while i respect the reader's point of views, i certainly do not take pride in knowing that some of the postings of my fellow singaporeans are full of assumptions, bitchy and unconstructive.

quite disheartening. i always end up questioning myself why i even bother to go back to read the forum... perhaps it's becos it so bad, i just want to go back and see how much worst it can get...

tigers

singapore is a boring city, mundane, clinical, it's a fine city, etc. not uncommon for people to use such adjectives to describe the island city. well, perhaps it is, especially to many of us who live in here. shopping, cinema, shopping, cinema... the things to do here seemed rather limited. well, at least for us locals.

and so, when i heard the news about a man being mauled to death by 3 white tigers in the singapore zoo, i was like - wtf! oh wow! drama man!... and i turned up the radio volume and paid attention to the news. it kinda broke the monotony of daily mundane stuff... and provided some excitement amidst the gloomy weather and even gloomier financial status today. but most importantly, i was worried for the white tigers. what's gonna happen to them? will the zoo kill them? how did the attack happen? how could such a thing happen?... so many questions but not a single answer.

followed the news through the whole evening and by 10pm, the zoo finally released a statement indicating that the tigers will not be put to sleep. whew... and from what i heard, i gathered that it was either a case of suicide or mischief/ prank gone wrong... sad.

then again, i am glad the white tigers will not be put to sleep.

:-)

financial meltdown

seemed like things are getting worst. amongst my friends, everyone was saying how they had lost between 40 to 80% of their investments. and knowing them, being in the civil service for 20 over years, the sum per individual could go into millions... for me, it was much much much much lower cos i don't even have a quarter of a million in my investments... and coupled with my housing loans, car loans and so on, even if i were to surrender all my investments to fund my loans, i would still be in debts...

well, perhaps you may call it lucky that i don't have that much monies in investment... or you could call it unlucky cos all my life, i had been a born loser in terms of managing money... buy house, house price crash (been over 10 years and i have still not even break even!), buy car, car price depreciate, buy 4d, number never comes out... invest my monies, market crash... you name it, i've lost it.

so, am i worried about my investments? well, yes i admit i am, but somehow, i just do not feel so panicky about it... could this be due to my strong belief in the buddhist principles of non-attachment? that monies are only important insofar as providing for the basic needs... that anything above what i need for life's basic are deemed luxurious and thus superfluous?

well, may be, may be, may be... argh... whatever.

fat sapphie

sapphie and i share many similarities. here are some:

• we're both getting fatter... in fact, my neighbour couldn't recognise her when we met them in the lift last weekend. i had just given her a bath and was bringing her out for a walk to dry her fur. my neighbour asked if i had a new dog... :-)

• we're both getting older... the physical signs are clear. white hair/ fur. white whiskers/ moustache. for that matter, we both even take longer time to recover after exercises these days...

• we're both getting lazier... there seemed to be an increased tendency to want to sleep and laze these days.

so much for similarities between master and pet right?

hahaha!

why buy a dog...

not one to publish mass mails... but this one i find it quite nice... perhaps it's cos i am a dog lover... and of cos, it goes without saying that this mail was sent to me by a lesbian friend of mine...

if you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him
and never say its not quite as good as his mothers

...then buy a dog.

if you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want ...

...then buy a dog.

if you want someone who will never touch the remote,
doesn't care about football,
and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

...then buy a dog.

if you want someone who is content to get on your bed
just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

...then buy a dog.

if you want someone who never criticizes what you do,
doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old,
who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to,
and loves you unconditionally, perpetually

...then buy a dog.

but, on the other hand,
if you want someone who will never come when you call,
ignores you totally when you come home,
leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you,
runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep,
and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness,

...then buy a cat!

now be honest, you thought i was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you?
send this to all the women you know to brighten their day...

did i play god?

one of the reason that irked me a lot as i read through all the discussions about euthanasia was this...

when my dad was very ill, we were asked by the doctor to give clear directions about how they should proceed when my dad's life was in danger. we were asked to consider this - put him on life-support despite knowing there was no hope of cure given his condition or to simply let him wither off... and we were told that if we were to put him on life support, apart from no possible cure, we could also cause him prolonged pain and suffering. to the family, it could also mean psychological stress in prolonging the death. although the doctor did not state it explicitly, it was clear that they are suggesting that we let him go.

in such a situation, it was simply between the devil and the deep blue sea. and we took the doctor's indirect advise to let him go should he go into a state of unconsciousness. in this case, are we already not being put in a position to play god? to me, the issue was not about how long more he has, the issue here was that we were put in a position to decide whether he has another moment to live.

what do you think?

euthanasia

recently, there has been a lot of debate about euthanasia... and it was not surprising that many religious groups - the catholic church, the islamic council, the taoist association, and so on - have come out condemning it. all sang the same tune of respecting life and that we should not try to be god. and as i read, i wondered aloud - all these while, by deciding to save lives, are we not already playing god? why must we use start to use god as an excuse when it comes discussing euthanasia?

since time memoria, nature's law have revolved around survival of the fittest. and at the individual-level, if we are not fit for whatever reasons such as falling sick, meeting with accident, and so on, by the laws of nature (and if i may suggest, god), we should perish... if we really want to let god be the judge, then we should do away with saving lives altogether!

on the other hand, we might jolly well be doing our species a disfavour by saving those `unfit' persons with medical advances. people who are weak for whatever reasons will continue to transfer their genes to their offspring and over a prolonged period of time, weaken our gene pool. already, we can see the population getting weaker and weaker... people today are less resistant to diseases... over time, what will appear would be a species of human being not different from one who has aids (heh heh.. not exactly, but you get the idea) except that he does not actually have it - having to live in sterile conditions, susceptible to all sorts of diseases... and every small virus would have the potential of developing into an epidemic that might wipe out the entire species... all these mean one thing - that in saving lives mean a larger disservice to the species as a whole in the long run... no?

anyway, regarding the debate about euthanasia, i find the whole discussion rather interesting. i am one who is neutral to euthanasia and i believe that there might be just be some benefits discussing through how it could be framed and approached. rather than coming outright decrying and condemning the whole issue, why not discuss through what the real issue is in the first place? from a holistic perspective, there are real issues about managing terminally sick, ensuring proper care for the terminally sick, helping the terminally sick transit with dignity and comfort... the ultimate act of pulling the plug (or for that matter, deciding to put the terminally sick onto a plug in the first place) can be distilled to a single action, perhaps what is different is - who makes the decision. aren't they simply a case of different sides of a same coin?

whatever the outcome, the process of discussing about this issue as a society should provide everyone the clarity of how we, a society as a whole, should approach healthcare holistically.

politics

i am a person who is not too particular interested in politics and neither do i want to participate in it. and there are some things that i've observed and that i thought would perhaps sound/ look illogical to a layman/ person who is not in the know of the dynamics and the people behind that drives it... here are some examples...

• after all the hype and hoo hahs over the election in the states, seems like lots of media bodies are discussing about one single factor - obama's skin colour - black, part black, or part white.

• americans voted for a president recently. a president that could shape policies that would affect the livelihood of the whole world... and for a very long time. and interestingly enough, the factors that motivates a voter to vote a particular candidate was more likely american lifelihood issues rather than issues related to global well-being.

• you will find it hard to understand how a `country' can spent all of it's nation's efforts - psychological, finances, diplomatic, and so on - to penalize, or worst still, to chase country after country, one person for allegedly buying a piece of land using his influence instead of focusing on improving the lives of the millions of people who needs the attention more. a case of social class divides.

• you find it hard to understand how a `country' can spent all the efforts to select and groom someone for the top job. and after he takes over, went about systematically making efforts to remove him instead of systematically supporting and mentoring him in the leadership position.

• you find it hard to understand how a `country' can spent all the efforts to select and groom someone for a top job, and then accuses him of sodomy, and then over time, create conditions for him to resurrect and then accuses him of sodomy again.

• you find it hard to understand running down and allegations of misplaced policies and criticism during the election rallies followed by post-elections admirations/ support shown between the president-elect and the incumbent who are from different political parties.

• you find it even harder to understand that that all these above are probably about the same coin but viewed from different perspectives and whatever the outcome, it will probably not benefit everyone, except for a selected few... particularly people in power.

i, for once, am a cynic where politics is concerned. to me, politics is about power. power corrupts. and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

walking at the park

brought sapphie out for a walk last evening. a 2-hr walk. thought it was a nice way to get her to exercise and to keep her company on a saturday afternoon. today, bee came along.

it was the same route. but it turned out more meaningful that i had expected. during the walk, we stopped regularly for me to groom sapphie and to let her take a breather. and during one of those stops, bee opened up to me. he told me of his disappointments in me over some issues. i was rather surprised. and as the conversation went on, i took the opportunity to share my tensions about him too. the conversation just flowed. i was glad it occurred. it helped us see and better understand how our behaviours had caused some tensions in the other party. rightly or wrongly, it doesn't matter. fact was, it occurred. at times, it was due to mis-perceptions. at times, it was due to one of us being insensitive to the other.

in some ways, i was disappointed as i was still not able to find some of my answers. yet i take solace in the fact that i was able to share my thoughts with him. overall, i was glad the conversation occurred.

showering

no good reason why i am making this post. just thought i should.

shower with your partner. 

it is not only about the physical contact. it also help builds and deepens the relationship. and if this is not good reason enough, it helps you save water.

:-)