5th anniversary

i initially typed "happy 5th anniversary" for the blog title...

then i thought again and felt it was very wrong. and i deleted the word "happy".

well... 10 aug 2013 is dad's 5th death anniversary.

time flies indeed.

new york city vs london

in a recent blog entry, willie reflected about how new york city, despite all the energies and vibrance, did not enchant him as much as london did. i thought about my own trips and agreed with his musings. 

my first visit to new york city was in early-2001 if i recall correctly. at that time, i was with sia cargo. but i cannot really count that as a visit cos it was a business trip and other than official meetings, i did not have any time to visit the city. but what the locals (whom i interacted with during my meetings) told me shaped my views about new york city. never go out alone, do not go to dark places, don't even try to visit bronx, be very careful with your personal belonging, and for that matter, your life. these were the advices given to me by almost every person i met. scary i thought. my "real" visits to new york city occurred in 2004. they were borne of necessity cos i had to evacuate myself from tampa city, florida due to hurricanes. it was easy to know new york city. with its grid-like road networks, the initial feeling of lost and disorientation quickly dissipated once i got hold of a map. i spend a whole lot of time soaking in the busy street lights, window-shopping, people-watching, visited the (in)famous east village, checked out the night scenes, the gay bars, the sleazy gay shows, and savoured every possible tourist attractions associated with new york city. and as i was alone during the trips, boredom quickly set in. the desire to visit places disappeared very quickly. there was just so much one can do when alone. and thinking back, the fondest memories of new york city was not the neon lights or the parties, rather, it was the central park and the museums. well, not any museum - it was the metropolitan museum of art. then again, these experiences seemed rather shallow to me now. apart from the lights and the vibrance, i still do not really know what the real new york city is. even the exhibits in the museum were from ancient cities of rome, of old egyptian empires, etc. there was really nothing about new york city. to this day, my perception of new york city continued to be one that is shaped by pop culture and the likes. yes, think king kong, empire state building...

comparatively, i felt very different about london. my first visit there was in 1999. there is really nothing one can complain about london other than the perpetually dark and gloomy skies. then again, it added to the character of the city. i was reminded of eliza doolittle, my fair lady. i imagined how things were like in old london, the old covent garden market, west end, etc. and it was so charming and meaningful to be able to visit buckingham palace, kensington palace, etc etc etc... this, after all, is the land of kings and queens. the history was just so rich. and it gives the city the character and adds to the magic of the place.

if i were to make a comparison in a nutshell, i would describe new york city as a teenager. happening, full of energy, full of vibrance, a city that never sleeps (and when it does, it does so discreetly in a corner). and as for london, she is like a mature person, very charming, full of character, very rooted, yet it has its own unique energies.

:-)

top photo from www.scps.nyu.edu, second photo from thesmokyapple.wordpress.com, third picture from www.thecattylife.com

pouting

i have been pouting these days.

it is a super super long weekend and most of my friends have gone overseas. even my colleagues in my company. for that matter, in the 4 months i have been with my current company, my other 2 teams members comprising my head and my staff, would be going for their own second holiday this long break. and to make even more damaging for me mentally, they both applied leave on wednesday (so, yes, i held the fort on thursday alone). and as for me, i am stuck here in country. and i not able to do what i want as i have my obligations towards my mum. and to make things a little more challenging,  she's not feeling too well and has mood swings easily. and i told myself it's ok, i will at least be able to spend time with people really close to me and to catch up. or even if i don't spend time with them, at least their presence would be a morale boost for me. and then bee told me he needs his break. and off he went to bangkok with his friends. very last minute. i can understand where he is coming from given his current challenges, but i find it extremely hard for myself.

this long break and not being able to run away adds to the sense of being jailed, of having time but feeling trapped, not alone but lonely... and all these compounded by the negative thoughts national days bring to me. adding all up, they can be overwhelmingly depressing. i find myself keeping to myself even more (ironically). and to prevent my downward spiral, i have to constantly remind myself that it is all in my mind. i cannot compare, i must try to see the positive side to things. i have to try to think of things to do. and to do all of them with my mum... so i brought her and the dog to pay respect to my dad yesterday. today, i shall bring them out for a picnic. tomorrow, perhaps go to a theme park or something... i supposed i need to keep myself occupied and not think too much about my need for a break from my mum. i guess for people who have not gone through the responsibilities of being a primary caregiver will never comprehend. 

i need respite time.

(and i am using my blog to vent and not to seek any pity. if you want to give supportive comments, i am most appreciative. otherwise, give me my space. i am not in a mood to be lectured)

match.com

bloody hell... i have been getting daily spams from match.com.

and all the spam mails suggest lists of possible matches that i would supposedly be interested in. i have ignored these spam mails for the longest ever until last month where i was sufficiently curious to check out one of the match.com spam mail... and guess what? all the matches were of elderly men in their 80s to 90s. wtf! then again, it was quite funny. for a while, it made me wonder how they know i am gay. but on the other hand, i wondered if i should feel insulted by their lists of recommendations. i tried to unsubscribe the spam mail but was prompted to login to change the frequency of updates. and that put me off for i have never created any account with them in the first place. 

but i finally did so today. i decided that enough is enough. and i found out that someone had used my email to subscribe to match.com. after some tries, i managed to get a password and login. and the profile i saw was that of a 80-plus year old white woman from united states. hmmm... no wonder all the men match i got were in their 80s to 90s. heh... i tried to delete the account but it was almost impossible cos despite being an established site, it was just not possible to find the link to delete an account. and so i did the next best thing. i tried to delete my email address from the profile setting. i failed. it didn't allow me to do that. and so, i did the last thing possible. i changed the email address to something i myself didn't recognize. and i saved it and got out of the site.

let's hope the email account i typed in does not belong to anybody...

good riddance.

national day

national days mean a whole lot of different things to me after 2005... 

it reminds me about how the military organization i served for more than half my life turned against me becos of my sexuality, and how i vowed never again to recite the national pledge... i have never watch any more national day parades since then. 

and lastly, it reminded me of my dad's passing in 2008.

selamat hari raya aidilfitri

once again it is raya! 

here's wishing my muslim friends a very happy and joyous raya!

:-)

picture from ledzworld.com

5th anniversary

it would be dad's 5th death anniversary in 2 day's time.

had almost forgotten about it until this morning when i casually spoke about going to the columbarium to pay respects to him.

time flies.

picture from www.flowers-magzine.com

breakfast

i brought mum out for breakfast today.

my spine was totally off today and it was very uncomfortable. such discomfort occurs whenever i miss my routine work-out for more a couple of days, and i had not had a good work out for a couple of days. i had wanted to have a good work out last evening when after a call, my mum went bonkers and i decided to call it off.

as i drove mum out for breakfast, i fidgeted quite a bit in the car and let off a couple of sighs. it was very uncomfortable. mum was extra sensitive and asked why i sighed. i told her about the pain and about how i had missed my workout. once again, she became defensive and said she did not stop me. and after that her mood changed. she became quiet. 

throughout breakfast, she pulled a long face. and she did not want to talk. when i asked her what she wanted to eat for dinner, she said i should just buy her bread and that i should not bother to cook for her. it was obvious she was emo-ing. i didn't respond to her mood-swing but simply walk her around the market. we walked pass the joss paper shop and i casually asked if she wanted to head to the columbarium to pay respects to my late dad. that brightened her up. she agreed right away. suddenly she was so full of energy and asked me to buy lots of stuff such as offerings for the gods, for dad, for my grandparents etc...

well, for now, she seemed ok. let's hope her moods are maintained.

he called...

was sitting with mum yesterday at the tv watching the evening serial as usual. and i was playing games on my iphone. and bee called. as i was playing my game, i automatically tapped on the answer and his voice came through. i can't talk i said. and he hung up immediately.

mum looked at me. and immediately, she asked if bee called. i brushed it off and said it was an overseas call. i was not lying. and she repeated asking. he called right? i could hear his voice. it was so loud. she half demanded to know. i didn't answer. and after that i could see her whole person changed. it was almost an instant change in personality. the tv show ended 5min later. after giving her her medication, she didn't move from the sofa as she usually would.

i asked her to retire to bed and reminded her to wash her dentures before that. she asked if i was going out, to which i answered i would be going for my routine evening runs. she kept quiet and proceeded to bed. and she tossed and turned. i asked her why she didn't sleep. she said she was not sleepy and said every evening i would return very very late when i went out for my runs (which was not true). i denied it. it was obvious she was not her usual self.

i decided not to leave the house last night in the end.

it was such incidents that create mental tensions for me. 

emotional stress.

sighs

bee went off with his friends to bangkok for holiday over this long weekend. a last minute arrangement...

mannerism...

after mum got discharged from the hospital today, i brought her to the hawker center for lunch (frankly, it was her second lunch, but well... what the heck, she could do with some fresh air)... i was queuing up for food for mum when i saw a familiar face. there was this feisty-looking elderly lady, in her 70s i guess, but still cheery and energetic. she had just bought her lunch and had made her way back to the table where all her (elderly) friends were. this lady looked like miss ang, i told myself. 

miss ang lay sian was my primary 5 form teacher when i attended telok kurau east school back in 1978. vaguely, i recalled her teaching me english and science. other than that, all i could recall of her was when she invited the class to visit her house in tanjong katong. it was during the school holidays. and as a pre-school holiday assignment, we were supposed to write a letter to her. i still recalled my second sister helping me with writing miss ang's address on the envelop. there were 3 possible ways to write an address block, she told me. one could either align all the sentences to the left (left justification), to the center (center justification), or to start the next line a little more to the right, and the next line, and the next line... such that the whole address block would look like it is slanting to the left, i was told. anyway, the task given to us was to send her either a letter or a post card. and we had to do it by a certain time. miss ang then invited us to her house in the middle of the holiday so that she could debrief us about our first efforts in sending letters. heh heh...

ok, i have digressed... back to this morning. after giving mum her lunch, i walked up to the elderly lady and asked if she was indeed miss ang. she confirmed she was... it was a really nice surprise. well... we spoke for a while, her first reaction after i introduced myself was - oh, in that case, you must have also known mrs xxxx chan (i couldn't really hear which mrs chan, but as i was rather excited, i simply nodded my head)... well, we just came from her funeral... oh dear...

well, we spoke for a while. initially it seemed she couldn't recall who i was, but as we spoke, she exclaimed, ahhhh... i remember! you attended tjc, as she pointed to the junior college nearby. yes i said! and she added... i remember, i remember, and your mannerism has not changed all these years!... haha... we continued talking in general, about where she stays now, about what i am doing etc. and i got her contact number so that i can still keep contact with her. soon enough, i excused myself and went ahead with my lunch. 

but now, thinking back, i really wondered what she meant when she said she remembered my mannerism...

hmmm...

:-)

skippity skip...

some years back (must have been a decade or more...), i gave a call to my secondary school science teacher. when i called her, she was already in her late-50s, early-50s. i called her to wish her happy teacher's day, and to tell her that i remembered her, and to thank her for giving her best when she taught us science. i could do so cos in those days, there was no mobile phones and the singapore phone directory still publish people's home phone numbers... 

i couldn't recall the whole conversation except that we spoke for quite a long while. and we reminisce about the secondary school days. it was an interesting and very warm conversation. i couldn't really recall all the details of the conversation except that she said i used to skip and bounce around back then. she shared that as a secondary 2 kid, i was rather well-known amongst the teachers at that time to be a kid who was playful yet serious (about my studies), about being well-known for behaving well... and most funnily, that i was known to skip from point-to-point, that is, i didn't walk like normal kids, i skip! haha... and she related how surprised she was, to see me actually walking and in a very deliberate and down-to-earth manner, when i returned to school one day a few years after graduation.

that particular remark stuck onto my head. till today, i still treasure those interesting and carefree secondary school days!

:-)

picture from www.stiltwalkers.co.uk

mum's hospitalised

mum was hospitalised on thursday and got discharged today.

well, what happened was, i took half day off on thursday to collect mum's medication from the mental institute (for her dementia). and at the clinic, i got a call from mum's rehab center staff telling me she refused to go for rehab. she said she wanted to see the doctor...

i rushed home, brought her to the hospital and she was warded immediately. breathlessness. and her hospitalisation couldn't have come at a better time. you see, i was so worried about how to manage her cos i had to work on saturday. and i was dead worried that my change in routine would affect her. and when the hospital called me up on friday telling me she could be discharged on saturday, i requested for them to allow her to stay for one more day. i rationalized it would be nice if she could stay there one more day and to allow the nurses to take care of her. and as for me, i do really need this respite from her. the doctor that spoke with me understood my request and arranged it accordingly.

and so, i managed to have my mental break during these 2 days. and when she was in there, bee took the opportunity to stay over and spend some time with me.

:-)

some curious observations

here's some funny experiences and interesting observations of mine over time...

• when i was a small boy, i always thought ducks are male and chickens are female... i never wonder where cockerels are placed in the animal kingdom... (although as an adult, i learned that male prostitutes are referred to as ducks whereas female prostitutes, chickens)

singapore coat of arms

• ditto above for lions and tigers, that lions are male and tigers are female. haha, i supposed this was in part due to the 2 creatures constantly being shown together in many aspects of our lives (eg our national coat of arms)

• i always see balding men keep one side of their hair long, so long that they can comb it all the way across their bald head down to the other side of their head.

drained...

feeling superbly drained.

been so since i left for kl to attend the course and seemed to be getting worst. there do not seem to have an end to the problems in sight too. and increasingly, i find myself getting short-tempered, and impatient. and also, i am getting increasingly disinterested in people and things around me. 

how nice if i can just hide in a corner and ignore the world.

ok, i need to sleep.

wolverine

caught the latest wolverine show last night

it was indeed quite an interesting show. frankly, there were a few surprise moments for me and they had nothing to do with the show. for example, i was surprised by the deliberate inclusion of culture-education moments such as how wolverine was told off nicely for sticking his chopsticks vertically into the rice. taboo, he was told, for this act is akin to sticking joss sticks into the urn when one pays respects to the dead. haha... and i begged to differ that it was just a japanese thing. instead, i would say it is an asian thing! seriously, i think many singaporeans are guilty of this too, much to my disgust!

hugh jackman as wolverine in the wolverine 2013 movie

and oh, i forgot to mention that there was a split second clip of him naked, but of cos, you could only see his butt. and yes... i stand by what i said before. hugh jackman is best when he plays wolverine.

:-)

picture from http://media.hammerandnigel.com/

what a saturday!

today's a packed day. did my laundry, brought mum out for breakfast, then brought her to perm her hair, then to the pool to waste some time before picking her up again, she wanted to eat rojak and so we headed to the market, then did some marketing before heading home to cook nonya chap chye. and then after that, brought her and the dog to the temple...

reached home just in time to prepare dinner...

and i am now taking a rest after downing 4 bowls of chap chye! heh... will be heading out for a movie at midnight.

hmmm... just typing the events make me tired. haha... anyway, at the pool, i changed up and went to the side of the pool and at that moment, i didn't feel like swimming. afterall, it had been a long while since i swam. and so, i started playing my games (in my iphone). suddenly, it struck me that i was wearing a bright yellow t-shirt and that is the same colour as what the lifeguards were wearing. hmmm... i am so never going to the pool again in yellow!

:-)

twitching eye

my left eye is twitching again. been so for the last 2 days...

uncomfortable.

yay! friday!

nope.. nope. not really quite. yet.

then again, i am so happy friday is coming up! been a super long and difficult week for me at work and at home. superbly intense and terribly hectic. all these plus the need to manage a very upset mum. so... yeah, i look forward to the coming weekend! and guess what? i managed to run about 3km non-stop today. been a long while since i was able to do that.

i feel good.

:-)

of monsters & men

haha! thanks to soul, i got to know this song. it's really very catchy. and there's this special feel about it. the way it was produced, the song, the mixing, the way everything was assembled. i cannot describe. that kinda semi-fairy tale land, semi-real yet dreamlike kinda feel to it. whatever, it is just very catchy and nice. 

thanks soul!

:-)

lyrics

hey! hey! hey!

i don't like walking around this old and empty house
so hold my hand, i'll walk with you my dear

the stairs creak as i sleep, it's keeping me awake
it's the house telling you to close your eyes

some days i can't even dress myself
it's killing me to see you this way

'cause though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

hey! hey! hey!

there's an old voice in my head, that's holding me back
well tell her that i miss our little talks

soon it will all be over, buried with our past
we used to play outside when we were young and full of life and full of love

some days i feel like i'm wrong when i am right
your mind is playing tricks on you my dear

'cause though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

hey! don't listen to a word i say
hey! the screams all sound the same
hey!

though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

you're gone, gone, gone away, i watched you disappear
all that's left is a ghost of you. now we're torn, torn, torn apart
there's nothing we can do, just let me go, we'll meet again soon

now wait, wait, wait for me, please hang around, i'll see you when i fall asleep

hey! don't listen to a word i say
hey! the screams all sound the same
hey!

though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

hey! don't listen to a word i say
hey! the screams all sound the same
hey!

though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore (x2)

of butts & bulges

just a random early morning thought. and this thought came as i was eating my breakfast and a saw a taut bubble-butt guy walked by to purchase food.

why is it quite acceptable and probably normal for woman to talk about another woman's breasts and beauty? and on the other hand, it is quite unacceptable socially, and odd for a guy to talk about (and i am not even talking about admiring) another guy's butt and bulge?

i mean, i won't even think twice of articulating my thoughts about another guy's bulge to my colleague. can you imagine this - wa... this guy is cute! and wohhh, just look at his bulge! haha... i suppose there will be a range of answers, opinions and so on to my thought. but yeah, this thought just crossed my mind in a flash when the taut bubble-butt guy walked pass...

:-)

long day

it was a super bloody long day... went to work at 8am, whole day of meeting, rushed home at 6.15pm, brought mum out to visit the chiro, for dinner, and to do a bit of shopping and continued working till now. i am totally dead beat (yeah right, but still have energy to blog). but well, i am writing this post not just to capture the long day at work. but rather, i wanted to just pen down some pointers about what happened during the day that added to the more than challenging day i had...

• went to work early to carry on the discussions of the course my team attended last week. discussions did not end till past 1pm. and the long drawn process was, in my opinion, due to many unproductive moments where people argue, chit chat, got distracted, walked out of the room, etc etc etc... and in the end, i missed my lunch. 

• we had to convene at 4pm to carry on the discussion cos we need to get the slides out in time for presentation to top management on thursday! and yes, i am the scribe and the consolidator of all the slides. freaking challenging considering everyone has his/ her view of what needs to be reflected... 

• during the period between 2pm to 4pm, my big boss dropped a few bombshells onto me. restructuring, projected internal movement of people that may see me being stripped off my only staff, slide preparations for his presentations, etc... i was like - wt... arghhhh!

• and amidst all these, the rush to co-ordinate training for the next couple of days!

things are just a little too overwhelming today... but heh heh... just need to laugh it off and push on. and of cos the positive side to this is - i think i will be able to sleep very well tonight!

:-)

fucking diplomats

i hate diplomatics who abuse their benefits... went for a show with bee yesterday at great (gay) world city and after that as i drove out onto the road, i almost had an accident. a speeding car zipped in and out of the road and overtook us just a hair-distance away from the side of my car.

the car belonged to a diplomat whose car carries that number plate s9925cd. and he continued cutting in and out of the traffic as he sped through. the car screeched to a halt at the traffic light and that was when i caught up and managed to see who the driver was. it was a youngish (30's?) bespectacled ang mo with another shoulder-length blond-haired woman. and it was a left-hand driven car. bloody hell! just because you are a diplomat and has diplomatic immunity, that does not give you the right to behave in such gangsterish manner on the road! 

shame on you and shame on your country!

despicable me 2

went to watch despicable me 2 last night with bee. and yes, i actually enjoyed it tremendously. brainless and straight forward show with no need to think too much. and just simply sit back, relax, let go and just laugh.

i really needed that after a hectic week on course.

:-)

waiting for krismas

at the kuala lumpur lcct yesterday, this incident kinda top off the lcct experience for me...

after the immigration, there was a queue for bag x-ray screening. there was a pre-board team of 5-6 security personnel managing the screening process. somehow the pre-board team seemed rather disorganised and often the staff did not focus too much on the screening process and had the habit to chit chat. and during one of the chats, the screening got disrupted. a lady placed her bag on the x-ray machine and proceeded to walk through the wtmd (walk-through metal detector). apparently the bag was not placed properly and did not move into the x-ray machine. and the queue stalled. 

some 1-2 minutes later, the pre-board team realized something was wrong and a lady wearing tudung on the other side of the x-ray shouted out to us... eh eh... kenapa tak mahu jalan? eh eh! jalan la... (eh eh, why don't want to move? eh eh, move la)... of cos, we couldn't cos the bag didn't move and no one wanted to take the initiative to move it. i supposed everybody assumed there was an issue with the screening process and we all had to wait (it was the airport after all right?). 

noting that nothing happened after she screamed at us, she grumpily walked through the wtmd (walk-through metal detector) towards us and that was when she saw the bag. looking unhappy, she went eh eh... ni beg siapa la? beg letak sini, mesti tak boleh jalan la! tsk tsk tsk... eh eh! ni beg siapa ha? mahu tunggu siapa? krismas karrrrrrr? ya allah... hari raya belum sampai, orang sudah mahu tunngu krismas! (eh eh, whose bag is this? with the bag left here, of course, it won't move! ... waiting for what? christmas is it? omg... hari raya has not even arrive and people are already waiting for christmas...) the owner of the bag had apparently been cleared ran out again and pushed the bag into the x-ray machine. 

it was only then that the queue started moving again. and the tudung lady continue joking about the bag waiting for christmas with the rest of the team. i was dumbfounded for that moment. if it were to happen at changi airport, the security officer would have been sacked straight away!

lcct

i was supposed to leave kl at 4.15pm and to arrive back sgp at 5.30pm. but somehow, i arrived at the lcct an hour ahead of schedule. and i decided to bring my flight forward. the counter girl wanted to charge me rm150 for changing flight but after i explained i was a staff, she did it for free. heh heh...

well, it was my first time in lcct. not that i fly to kl often. actually, apart from one single trip more than a decade ago, all my kl trips were self-driven. so it was kinda interesting for me to fly in and out of kl via lcct. and i must admit that i didn't even know there is a lcct in the first place. and you can imagine my bewilderment when francis asked me if i were landing in the lock-cock-terminal (or the demeaning slang for "lcct" - lock-cock in hokkien means in bad shape/ run-down state). it was not until much later when i learned that lcct meant - low cost carrier terminal. doh!

anyway, my first impression of the terminal was - ooooh, it looked and felt like a bus terminal! heh... lots of people pushing their way around getting up and down air planes, rude service staff (will write a separate post on this), rowdy people, and people who were dressed like as though they had just finished farming and didn't have time to wash their face and comb their hair. urgh! you get what i mean. it was not a good experience actually, but from another perspective, quite interesting nonetheless. 

:-)

depressed mum

picked mum up this morning... she seemed ok. but once she got into the car, she started complaining about my brother. she said he chased her out of the house 2 nights ago, but as it was late at night, she was afraid to leave the house and decided to stay. and she said she had been crying since...

nonetheless, the day seemed ok for her. after picking her from my brother's place, i brought her out for breakfast, bought lots of her favorite stuff. durians, biscuits, ingredients for her favourite chicken and mushrroom soup, roast pork & pig's head meat, etc... then home. and through the day, she kept herself busy watching tv while i cleaned the house and washed the car... she seemed pretty ok. she was cheerful when she ate her dinner. i brought her out for a walk after dinner and bought her her benedictine dom (she's rather happy about it), 

and on our way home, all of a sudden, she turned quiet. i asked her why, and she said she's still upset about how my brother scolded her, and for a moment, she said my dad scolded her... it was as though suddenly her memory got all screwed up again. and then she turned moody and started to look down. i did what i need to do, apart from assuring her that everything is ok, i gave her sleeping tablets. hopefully, it would help calm her down and allow her to sleep without any nightmares. 

it would be a disaster if her delusion is triggered where she would see my grandfather etc. and when that happens, tomorrow will be bad... let's hope for the best. for now, i decided against going for my run. 

hmmm...

home

spend the whole morning in the hotel room doing my work. arrived at the airport early and decided to change my flight to an earlier one. managed to do so without extra charges as i was on staff travel. finally arrived home!

mum has been impatient to come home. apparently, she had mentioned about my uncle (her brother) to my bro yesterday and as my bro doesn't like her side of the family, he scolded her and according to her, asked her to get out of the house. and that was the cause of her major tensions. she seemed ok today... told her i will pick her first thing tomorrow morning for breakfast and home...

:-)

worrying call from mum

this morning, as usual i called my mum. she's been staying with my brother for the last 4 days and everything seemed fine. when i spoke with her, she said the kids had cried whole night and that they are sick. and my bro spoke with me, asking me on the possibility of postponing her medical appointment this afternoon as his kids are not feeling well and needed medical attention. told him to go ahead...

 

had my lunch today and checked my phone. noticed i had 2 missed calls from mum. it was not usual. i had reminded her not to call me a few times over the last 2 days and she said ok. and so i called her back. when she picked up the call, she said she wanted to go home. i felt uneasy and knew something was disturbing her and asked her why. she said she wanted to see the doctor but my brother did not want to bring her. and she insisted on going on her own yet my brother did not allow. she sounded like she was crying. i probed further. and she said the children cried whole night, but she dare not intervene. and today, they continued crying and wanted only their mum (my sis-in-law). and for a while, i thought she said she worries that my bro didn't want her.

 

it took me close to 5min to console her and assure her that everything is ok. i explained to her that the medical appointment can be postponed as it is a review and that she has the medication at home. i also explained to her that when children fall sick, it is natural that they look for their mother. and thus it is perfectly ok for her not to try to help out. i added that i will be back in 2 days time to bring her home and that she should be ok staying at my brother's place.

 

after the afternoon lecture 2 hours later, i called again. she sounded hoarse. it seemed like she had been crying again. i talked to her and once again, assured her that everything is ok. she seemed ok for now. but if things are not  handled properly, she might just go bonkers big time either tonight or tomorrow...

 

hmmm...

end of course

course finally ended. had been a superbly hectic 4 days since tuesday. we start at 8am daily and end at about 7/ 7.30pm. and by the time we had our course evening reception and dinner, it was 9-ish. after that my colleagues would all rah-rah and head out for drinks and by the time we reach back to hotel, it was close to midnight. so, you can imagine  how drained all of us felt by the end of this afternoon.

 

anyway, we ended a little early today. and my colleagues had gone off (back to Singapore). am now taking a rest in my room and would probably go and walk around later. not too sure where to go frankly. would probably walk around bukit bintang area, and then take the rail around. might just drop by klcc for dinner.

 

let's see how.

:-)

bored

i am not good with going overseas alone. hahahha... frankly, i arrived here less than a couple of hours ago and i am bored already!

 

lol!

gayvilion

have checked into the hotel, changed up and am at pavilion for dinner now. and yes, indeed i can understand why some people call it gayvilion. there are so many gay couples! chinese with thai, malay with caucasian, chinese with chinese... the permutations are just so many.

:-)

going away

here i am. sitting in an eatery at the changi airport, having my lunch and waiting for my flight. will be heading to kuala lumpur for a course over the next 4 days. and i am sitting here after days of preparation, including making arrangements to have bee come over to bing the dog to pee daily, to feed the dog, to water the plant, bringing mum to my brother's place, and all the associated logistics including her clothing, diapers, medication, etc. it's actually quite a task, not considering the need to prepare her mentally for my departure. all these had been done finally.

and i am not looking forward to the trip. the thing about heading overseas for work is that there is just not mood of relaxation. instead, i find it quite if a hassle considering the fact that while there on course and doing all the needful per course requirement, i have also been nominated as the course co-ordinator. and as i attend the course, the work back home still needs to be done and looked into... hmmm, just thinking about it makes me stressed up.

will be boarding at 2.15pm. departure 2.45pm and arrive at 3.45pm... gonna land at the low cost carrier terminal and have to make my 57km way to the hotel. aiyoh...

hmmm...

pacific rim

went for the show with bee last night. we walked in feeling a little excited about the story and the promise of larger than life monsters and epic fights. we were not disappointed as far as the larger than life monsters were concerned. other than that it was... hmmm...

ok, what happened was as per all shows, when the show ended either bee or myself would ask "so how did you find the show?". last night, bee asked. and there was a long silence. i didn't know how to answer. neither did he. i could only say, in the most superficial manner that the leading actor was really cute, from a certain angle and wohhh... just look at his 6-solid pack body! otherwise, i thought it would be fair to say the show was just a better-polished ultraman-ish show but without the ultraman and with transformer-wannabes as the leads. also, despite the fact that it was set in the not too long future, where i presumed technologically would be so so much more advanced, it was amazing how many things shown were so backward. just look at the brute force, the man-to-man fights to make a statement, the brawn over matter approach to conflict resolution etc... and ooo... the super bad-acting of some of the actors... painful...

but well... this was perhaps just another show where you walk in simply to be entertained and where you would be better off leaving your brain at home. so, yes, we were entertained. 

:-)

and oh, one more thing, i find it quite disturbing that these days a lot of shows seemed to enjoy portraying mega-violence, and mass destruction over the smallest matter. just look at world war z, man-of-steel... same same...

sunglasses

i surprise myself by buying a pair of sunglasses yesterday. you see, it is so hard for me to be able to find sunglasses that i would consider nice. and so far in my life, i can literally count within the fingers of one hand the number of sunglasses i have had before...

anyway, there was a sale at the duty free shop for airline staff and i thought why not pay a visit to it. after all, all my colleagues were going gaga over the sale and a couple of them even bought more than a thousand dollars worth of stuff, not to mention the many more who visited the sale at least 2-3 times. and so, i decided to drop by yesterday. or actually, i dropped by cos my staff got so excited about it after seeing others buying bags and bags of it... and so, i went along, not that i had a choice cos she was like oooh, can we go before we eat? before everyone else's arrive?...  and so i went along. and guess what, there was already a crowd. by the time we got our stuff, the crowd had tripled and we had to squeeze our way out of that little airline staff duty free shop. 

well... back to the sunglasses. i walked into the small shop. there was a small display table with samples of the items on sale. i saw the sunglasses and i was like - aha, i must get this. yup, that kinda connection you feel when you see something that resonates with you.

:-) 

wtf

i brought mum out for dinner yesterday at one of the local shopping center. it was a simple korean bbq dinner and i ordered a bottle of makoli (korean rice wine). i got a little tipsy after that and decided to walk a bit in my attempt to get rid of the alcohol. told myself it was not a good idea to drive while feeling tipsy. i wheeled mum out of the restaurant, and walked along the shopping center walkway.

mum window shopped as i chatted with her. i was tipsy, and my voice slurred a little. i felt a little more relaxed after a couple of days of stress and unhappiness. it felt good for that moment. but this relaxed mood did not last. less than 5min after i walked out of the korean restaurant, a fucking shrilling scream tore through. my ears hurt like crazy and i cringed (as did quite a few other people around me). and as i did so, i saw an south asian toddler (probably 2 years old), appearing out of no where and ran passed me. the mother of the toddler seemed pretty amused by the sudden outburst, laughed and gave chase. it was really bad behaviour in public.

as i said, i was feeling tipsy and i reacted rather badly. i cringed. why must it always be south asians again, i thought! and from the accents, it was not a local singaporean south asians. wtf! i thought. south asian kids has the reputation to wail and scream, just like how many mainland chinese talk like as though the whole world is deaf! anyway, my discomfort showed on my face. i clenched my hands and quickly held it up to cup my ears. and as i did so, it coincided with the mother starting to give chase. and she saw my reaction. it caught her by surprise and she gave me a momentary smug look on her face complete with evil eyes, as though my reflex action offended her. and i did what i would, under normal circumstance, never do. i uttered "what the fuck!" i supposed it was loud enough for the mother for hear for she stopped, turned around and shouted back "excuse me!?!?!"

i couldn't be bothered. i walked on as i wheeled my mum. i was ready to scold the south asian mum for not controlling her toddler and letting her run loose. but i guessed she couldn't pursue nor register with me her displeasure further for she had to continue to chase her kid.

after that incident, somehow, i did not feel the alcohol in me anymore.

no mood

these few days, i have been feeling rather "no mood". ok, bad english, very colloquial, very singlish. what i meant was, i have been feeling rather... erm, how do i describe? unmotivated? that would be too strong a word. in fact, i have been very busy and rather stressed out at work. and generally, i have been rather hyper at work. or... disinterested? perhaps, that is a more appropriate word. then again, perhaps not. hmmm... 

well, you see, i have been rather upset with bee couple of days back for not answering my calls. and i called him like umpteen times from evening till late at night, 1-plus if i am not wrong. and i message him via whatsapp, via sms... but there was simply no response. my mood for the whole evening changed from understanding (becos he is busy, i told myself), to being worried, to being angry... and so on. it was a whole evening of swinging emotions. all the way up to the point when i was about to go to bed, he still did not return my call. i woke up many times through the night, and noted at 3-plus, 4am that he texted me saying that he was on his way home. i was in no state to reply. i went back to sleep. but in actual fact, my mind was totally screwed that night as i went to bed with my mind unsettled with him not returning my call. it was a totally bad night with me bordering between being asleep and being awake. in fact, i really did know if i was asleep or awake and my mind with filled with dreams, mixed with a range of different emotions. very confusing and very draining.

my whole day was spoiled. and the tiredness carried through till today. i know he was busy with work, but what i cannot reconcile was - how could one be so engrossed into work to the point that he forgets to even check his phone? i will never be like that. i was so damned freaking furious. anyway, after that evening, i was so tired, i became totally uninterested in anything. i was cool to him. i was not happy. and it did not help that i was so damned bloody busy at work, trying to manage my mum at home, and also getting damned uneasy and stressed up over the many things coming up. all these and not mentioning the fact that i will be away for next week on course (and thus, presenting new challenges managing mum's anxieties, etc). i felt drained and exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. have not felt like this for a very long time.

i totally dislike this feeling of...

ok, perhaps the word is meh... or blah... (yes, bad english again). hmmm... dazed? 

whatever... 

wtf!

旧梦 (彭佳慧)

another one of the coming out songs... and like some others that i had posted before, this song was also found in that cassette that i used to play... until it got spoilt. reminded of this song when the radio played it last evening and i decided to look for it in youtube. 听了这首歌，真的使我想起当年。。。 当年的你， 当年的我。。。

:-)

微微风涌起旧梦　拾起一片回忆如叶落
也想不起难忘的是什么　多情多怨　说伤人重
微微风涌起旧梦　月光撒满了你的行踪
再也想不起要忘记是什么　不能不愿　不再多说

一生追悔快意都相同 若不是你依然在我梦魂中
我怎么会有一个理由 为你　为情　为爱　为我
啦... 啦...

我像落花随着流水　 随着流水漂向人海
人海茫茫不知身何在　总觉得缺少一份爱
一生追悔快意都相同　若不是你依然还在我梦魂中
你怎么没有任何理由　给你的情　给爱的我

微微风涌起旧梦　拾起一片回忆如叶落
再也想不起难忘的是什么　独自徘徊旧梦中
我早也徘徊　我晚也徘徊　徘徊在茫茫人海中
我为你守候　我为你等待　心爱的人儿何在

selamat berpuasa

selamat berpuasa 

to all my muslim friends! blessed are you who seek 

peace, clarity of mind and focus 

in following the beliefs of your faith in this 

holy month of ramadhan!

:-)

hentai kamen

there is something very salah (wrong) about this film hentai kamen. but then again, it's japanese right? and so we have lines that go...

for the sake of the world, let me borrow your panties...

haha... and i must say, the guy looks really cute and his body is really good. and by the look of the excessive display of skin, the sometimes crude scenes of his "golden" balls, and to a lesser extend, the fetish nature of the show that treads most societal moral norms, i am certain this show will be a gay magnet! 

yumz...

:-)

suspicious mum

i have mentioned before how suspicious mum could be and this is due to her paranoia. when she stayed with my brother last time, she suspected my domestic help and my sis-in-law had plotted to kill her. and she reached this conclusion becos she saw them talked softly in the kitchen and laughed along the way. according to mum, they were not only plotting to kill her, their laughters was further proof that they had made fun of her as an old and helpless person... 

anyway, i sensed her paranoia and anxiety building up again over the past few days. and i suspected it was becos i told her i would be heading to kl for a course mid-jul and that when i go, i will arrange for her to stay with my brother. and the signs of her anxiety showed when she told me this morning that she felt uncomfortable cos she worries my sis-in-law will not welcome her, considering how she had previously plotted to kill her. hmmm... i had to assure her that this was not the case. 

frankly, she displays similar anxieties when i leave the house for anything, including my weekend midnight shows and my runs after the evening news. what happened yesterday was quite classic. we came back home from my brother's place and as per usual, i primed her that i would be heading out for a midnight show during the drive home (as per all saturdays as i wanted to make it a routine to her). she said ok, and we arrived home and watched the tv (as usual). when the show ended at 10pm, i told her i would be leaving soon. i also added that when i return after the midnight show, i would bring the old sofa down to dispose it. she said ok and went to bed. nonetheless, i noted a little discomfort in her tone. but i left her to sleep nonetheless.

i did not go for any midnight show as bee was busy at work. i drove around and came home a while later. i was kinda surprised to see her sitting at the dining table drinking milo and eating biscuits instead of sleeping. i acted normal. i knew it was her anxiety showing. otherwise, she would be sound asleep. i told her that the midnight show was full and that i couldn't get any tickets. it was a white lie. and i told her i will proceed to push the old sofa down. she sat at the dining table, in full view of me lifting up the sofa and pushing it into the lift. i came up a short while later and she asked "where did you go", i replied accordingly that i went downstairs to dispose the old sofa. and then she asked "who helped you carry the sofa?", hmmm, i reminded her, that i did it alone, and in her full view too... she looked at me in disbelief and asked again, "who helped you carry the sofa?" and i had reply her again that i did it alone. and reminded her that she had forgotten things again.

well, i also recognized that in this case, it is not simply a case of being forgetful. from my previous experiences with her, once her paranoia and anxiety strikes, you cannot really convince her about reality. and this is so cos she has already concluded that i am mixing with 2 bad people who had previously influenced my dad and caused my dad to leave her... and i can only suspect she thought the 2 bad persons helped me carry the sofa. either that or bee had helped me. and that would not help too cos she believe strongly that bee and his mum are out to kill her too... so... 

i did not lose my temper. i just tell her i will be going to bed. 

and that was what i did...

(i woke up this morning and she asked me how come i left the house and came back late and who was i with..., and i was like - huh? what are you talking about?)

new sofa

i finally bought a new set of sofa for my living room.

it was something i wanted to do for a long time. the previous set of sofa has gotten into a bad state in part due to mum's heavy weight and her frequent incontinence, and made worst by sapphie's clawing that ended up with the sofa's surface torn and tattled.

it took me quite a while to identify a set of sofa that mum finds comfortable. and so i decided to purchase it. we decided on a colour that mum likes and it took another 2 weeks for them to produce the sofa for us. i was worried about the old sofa and asked if they do sofa disposal, to which the answer came - no. but if i really wanted, they could help arrange for a private disposal but that would cost me $80. the shop assistant pulled me aside and said he felt it was not worth it and told me that i could ask the deliveryman to help me, and if i could, offer a small fee of $20-30. i thought it was a good idea, thanked him and left.

the sofa finally came yesterday. and i did what was suggested. i asked the delivery man to help and took out $30 from my wallet. and guess what - he said no, the sofa was too big. alamak! all of a sudden, i was caught off-guard... in the end, i had to push the sofa to the basement lift landing myself late last night. 

did it within 10min. not easy, but got it done. 

and since it was self-help, i saved $20-30 too.

atuk & nenek

in my previous unit, i had a very good team of admin staff. they are all malays and thus we would converse using the malay language often. and affectionately, one of them would address me as atuk (grandfather). now, this staff is very young and chirpy and despite being new to the admin team, she assimilated very well and very fast. let call her nah.

my team of admin staff continued to keep in close contact with me even after i left my company. and recently, nah gave birth to a baby girl. we joked about calling her "hazie", after the thick haze that descended on us... heh heh. in the end, she did not and instead gave the baby a very nice and modern english (but malay-spelling) name.

yesterday, together with the admin team, we visited nah. and as it was along the way to my brother's place, i brought my mum along. happily, she opened the door and greeted us. and instinctively, she called out to me "atuk!" and as soon as she did that, she warmly called out to my mum, "nenek!" (grandmother) and immediately she squealed... alamak so salah lah! sorry sorry...

and for that afternoon, she reverted to addressing me as "sir".

haha!

missing soil

i have a pot of pomegranate at home. and i have often wondered what happened to the soil cos over time, the volume seemed to get lesser and lesser. initially, i take it that my daily watering resulted in the compacting of the soil. and then one day i saw sapphie sniffing and digging the soil... and i observed further over a few days and realized this - sapphie had been eating the soil!

such a funny dog. and if i may add, a stupid dog too. she's special indeed. vegetarian, loves durian, papaya, apples, oranges, eats grass, etc and now, she eats soil! she must have been a plant in her previous life! haha!

mermaids

i watched this documentary this afternoon. and i thought it was rather convincing. the way the case was presented. and the arguments of evolution of a waterborne hominid. it also put across very strongly the theory that the us navy had the true story kept under wraps. i found this very interesting cos for every controversy one can find in modern history, there would somehow always exist a suggestion that the states is holding back the truth. haha... true or not, i cannot and don't want to speculate.

and if it is true, what is produced is called a documentary. but if it is not, it would called a story (a fake one, for that matter). whatever the case... 

i just took it that it was an enjoyable production... 

:-)

meeting my lesbian friend

for the longest time, i had not had the time, energy nor the time to meet up with my lesbian friend. and much as i felt bad, i couldn't help it cos i didn't want to go out for dinner at the possible expense of having mum go into one of her moods.

anyway, we finally met up last week. and it was over a quick lunch. it was an interesting conversation cos for the first time we were talking as friends, not like previously when we were in the same unit where i was the instructor and she was the trainee. the conversation revolved around our jobs after we left service and she probed about my experiences of being outed by mindef. it was a light-hearted conversation. and soon enough, my lunchtime was up. we proceeded for a quick coffee and she said something that took me by surprise...

over coffee, she told me about her impressions of me when she first met me in 2004. i was dealing with defence relations at that time and had to interact with external people often. as such, i was often in civilian clothes and occasionally had to suit-up. it was on one of those occasions that my lesbian friend saw me. interestingly, it made an impression on her (professionally, she's a lesbian remember? haha). she said she was impressed with how smooth i was able to talk to the guests... how confident i was, how extroverted i had showed and carried myself. it was a huge surprise to me, for i have considered myself a deep introvert for the longest time ever. anyway, she threw this sentence at me during the coffee - that i am now a shadow of what i was, and what i could be. and she urged me to go forth and live my life. to rediscover my potential, my energy and to be as happy as i could... and she said, you can, for i have done so, and so can you....

(whatever she means...)

i must admit, i felt good talking to her. it was very uplifting. and i agree to carry the conversation over another meeting... and we parted soon. and yes, i must say, this contributed to me whole reflections about why i locked my blog. what's the point of self-imposed restrictions again. what's holding me back?...

:-)

forgetful mum

mum has been very forgetful and getting increasing forgetful too. i can be talking to her about one thing and immediately after my sentence, she would ask me the same thing again. haha... shan't write on anything sensitive, but let me share one simple example. this morning, while on our way home from breakfast, i drove by a school, a newly renovated school for that matter. and seeing the fresh coat of paint, i believed she felt foreign and asked me what the building was... i replied "saint anthony cannosa secondary school". to which she replied, oh, ok, it is a university?

hmmm... well, one can smile and take it likely as a memory lapse, but to me, looking at the increasing frequency of her forgetfulness, it is a little worrying. but well... i can only accept that it is something that is gonna get worst with time. so... just be happy that she is ok for now. of cos, there is a tension for me... becos she lives with me, she tend to forget what i do and her tendency to imagine things that are not real. eg, she sometimes forgets i am home and assumed i am out of the house, then she imagines i interact with bad people from her past, and when that happens, she gets anxious, and she throws tantrums... and out of no where, i will get her moods being thrown at me...

i supposed it is something primary caregivers of elderly people have to go through.

just have to manage it.

unlocked

i have decided to unlock my blog after locking it last week. 

i locked it as it was my first defensive reflex action following receiving an email from an anonymous person who claimed to know me and in that same mail, asked me for money. to me, that email sounded a little blackmail-ish too. borrowing (using a nice word instead of extorting, blackmailing, cheating, whatever) was something i couldn't reconcile. how can anyone do such a thing? i will never do that. i would be too embarrassed to ask for money, much less from someone who mailed me out of nowhere.  

well, i have thought about it and decided that in behaving this way, it would give people more reasons to blackmail me. and that is not me. i have had such treatment exacted onto me by mindef and it cost me a whole lot of tensions and health-related issues. and i will not let anyone make me uncomfortable again. i thought about it and concluded that i actually have nothing to be afraid of cos i am perfectly comfortable with my sexuality. and what is more, after mindef, i have made further inroads with our local security circles and i believe tracking down this person is an easy peesy thing if i want to.

no one can touch me now. i shall reflect on what happened during last week in another post.

:-)

mum emo again...

today mum got emo again. 

well, to put in perspective, she has been emo-ing once a while. bit i have seldom blogged about it, lest it makes some of you reading it feel irked by my rants... haha... it is interesting how bloggers like me get influenced by blog reader responses. but yeah, it happens and it is natural (as i have researched about and published it in academic journals...)...

anyway, she got into this foul mood again today cos when i woke up, i found the door and windows opened. and the air con and air purifier was going full blast. and i told her she should not have done it, she got unhappy. and i was darned sure i did not yell at her, not raise my voice at her. from what i read, i could only conclude that in her current state of mind, she can be very sensitive. and as to be expected, she avoided my calls today, looked at my from her side of her eyes, stared at me with evil eyes that screamed "i wanna kill you", and told my sis (my sis told me) that i am mixing around with 2 evil people (its the same old story whenever she goes bonkers)...

i let her be. just did what i needed to do. ironed my clothes, change up and headed to work... and in the evening brought her for dinner etc...

well... one more day...

love to write?

i love writing... or do i? well, it has become a habit, i must say. but I do admit that my love for writing is limited by my vocab, my inspiration, my motivation and (would you believe this) my writing capacity. and by capacity, i mean, i kinda realize there is a finite volume of things i can write per day. and once i cross this threshold, i will be drained. it doesn't matter if this is about blogging or emailing, once i hit a certain threshold, i am a goner...

that probably explains why when i blog, i seldom reply long emails and vice versa. and sometimes when i get long emails, i almost wanted to cheekily reply the email with a "read my blog". and i do admit, i am not good with small talk nor am i good with asking for details about my friends personal lives. so, i end up being self-indulgent most of the time. and that is not good... so? read my blog? hmmm...

haha... well of cos, i have never done that la. it's superbly discourteous to do that. and so, i would simply kiv my replies and let the topics i have grow before i reply my friends. then again, conversely, i do at times cut my email replies and blog it, much to the chagrin of my friends...

:-)