no mood

these few days, i have been feeling rather "no mood". ok, bad english, very colloquial, very singlish. what i meant was, i have been feeling rather... erm, how do i describe? unmotivated? that would be too strong a word. in fact, i have been very busy and rather stressed out at work. and generally, i have been rather hyper at work. or... disinterested? perhaps, that is a more appropriate word. then again, perhaps not. hmmm... 

well, you see, i have been rather upset with bee couple of days back for not answering my calls. and i called him like umpteen times from evening till late at night, 1-plus if i am not wrong. and i message him via whatsapp, via sms... but there was simply no response. my mood for the whole evening changed from understanding (becos he is busy, i told myself), to being worried, to being angry... and so on. it was a whole evening of swinging emotions. all the way up to the point when i was about to go to bed, he still did not return my call. i woke up many times through the night, and noted at 3-plus, 4am that he texted me saying that he was on his way home. i was in no state to reply. i went back to sleep. but in actual fact, my mind was totally screwed that night as i went to bed with my mind unsettled with him not returning my call. it was a totally bad night with me bordering between being asleep and being awake. in fact, i really did know if i was asleep or awake and my mind with filled with dreams, mixed with a range of different emotions. very confusing and very draining.

my whole day was spoiled. and the tiredness carried through till today. i know he was busy with work, but what i cannot reconcile was - how could one be so engrossed into work to the point that he forgets to even check his phone? i will never be like that. i was so damned freaking furious. anyway, after that evening, i was so tired, i became totally uninterested in anything. i was cool to him. i was not happy. and it did not help that i was so damned bloody busy at work, trying to manage my mum at home, and also getting damned uneasy and stressed up over the many things coming up. all these and not mentioning the fact that i will be away for next week on course (and thus, presenting new challenges managing mum's anxieties, etc). i felt drained and exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. have not felt like this for a very long time.

i totally dislike this feeling of...

ok, perhaps the word is meh... or blah... (yes, bad english again). hmmm... dazed? 

whatever... 

wtf!