wakes & funerals

attended my uncle's wake yesterday. and as before, it's a time for family gatherings. i know, i have blogged this before... but i often find it sad of late that our families gather only when there is death. but i supposed this is the nature of things. it's a family's journey through life thing.

yes, one can argue that all we need is to make the effort and to organize extended family gatherings. but i supposed it is easier said that done. the bonds that bind the generations and the extended family were forged/ exist at the layer that is leaving us, certainly not at my layer.

and certainly, just as i got one helluva good at wedding practices a decade or so ago after being one too many times a bestman, i think i am now getting very good at practices at wakes and funerals... red strings, groundnuts, drinks, sweets, la la la... and i certainly do not take pride in them.

mum's op

mum went into the op theatre at 1.30pm earlier. she called me at 12.30pm telling me that she will be going in soon. it's hard to sound composed and reassuring while inside me, i am also breaking. yes, i know it is not a difficult op. yes, i know it is a rather straight forward procedure and that she will be fine. that was something that i have been telling her and reassuring her too. then again, all op come with a certain level of risk. the what ifs... i felt a lump at my throat when she said goodbye and hung up the phone.

she should be out of the op by now. it's projected to be a 3-hr affair. this will be followed by a few hours of observation in the op theatre before she will be sent back to the ward.

hope to be able to see her tomorrow.

:-|

wat a day!

it's a happy and sad day.

early this morning, brought my mum to haircut and perm. she was very excited and happy. need to do this before she goes for her op tomorrow. she'll be admitted tomorrow at 10am and the op is expected to start at 2pm. and so, as a treat before her op, i brought her to eat the east coast prawn mee and the ngoh hiang after her perm. could see she was very excited and enjoyed the meal.

then again, it was a sad day cos i learnt from my mum that my uncle (my father's brother-in-law) passed away last afternoon. shocking news cos he has all along been very healthy. understood that he passed away without any sickness or signs and that he was taken away after easing himself in the toilet. sighs... then again, it was a good thing that he left us peacefully. may he rest in peace.

i guessed i have come to the age where my dad's generation will slow leave us. just in this last one year, i've had to attend 3 funerals - my dad, my cousin, and now, my uncle.

the tide of time is really pushing my generation upwards. i can feel it.

knee op

mum will be undergoing her total knee replacement op again in two day's time. this is to replace her old knee given that it has already worn out as it has been more than 10yrs since it was fixed. despite her age, it's a no choice op given that she is in real pain and that an increased dosage of painkiller will also affect her other organs yet not give her the relieve she seeks. so, after resisting op for so long, she finally accepted it and agreed to undergo the procedure.

the op will happen in 2 days' time. and given the h1n1 control measures, only 4 registered persons will be allowed to visit her. so, after registering my bro, the maid, my sis and my bro-in-law, that means i will not be able to see her until after she is discharged from the hospital.

and i can see that mum has been getting increasing very worried about the op these last couple of days. she kept relating that her friend died during the second op. well, i guess i have to keep assuring her that things will be ok and that she should hopefully be able to experience less pain after the op.

anatomy of a disaster

so far, have witnessed so many disasters and observed how communities respond to it. and i conclude the following as a typical anatomy of a community's response to a disaster after it happens.

shock
realization
disbelief/ denial
anger
acceptance
recovery
closure (altho some may not have closure)
life goes on...

it's the same again and again. and the latest disaster is that of the typhoon morakot that struck taiwan and southern china. the same pattern could be seen. at this point, i think it is still in it's anger/ acceptance stage. and this is a very difficult stage as emotions run high during this stage. not easy for the government and the rescuers. nothing will be right no matter how much effort is put in or no matter how much the authority apologizes. it's sad, but it's the nature of things. even then, the anger will pass. life will go on. i pray for the victims of the disaster and that the survivals will be able to move on quickly.

wedding dress

was at raffles city last evening with bee and lk for dinner at cedele (third floor). on the same floor was this huge wedding fair organized by some taiwanese company. and the way these taiwanese did the touting, it was terrible. and can you imagine, they touted me and a friend too. the whole thing went this way...

we walked out of cedele in the following order - bee, lk and i. bee was 2 steps ahead of us. and when the sales persons saw us from afar, they immediately assumed we were a couple. and one of them walked up to us - oh, you want to came see our wedding collections? we have lots for you to chose. when he saw me ignoring him, he went to lk and continued come, come, come take a look at our wedding dresses and package! you should be getting married right? bee, sensing that he has been ignored, quickened his steps and walked ahead.

frankly, it was rather irritating. i chose to ignore him, lk just smiled and continue walking. and when he knew he was getting no where with us, he other colleague came forward and continued the touting come la! come la! come take a look. by which time, we were quite irritated. and so we played along. i responded oh, it's ok, thanks. and lk went further no need, no need, actually i have given birth to 3 kids already, so wedding is out of our league already!

the guys stood there and stared at us. we walked on. smiling. and of cos, bee was way ahead standing by one corner laughing at us. hmmmm! what a harrassment! in retrospect, i should have acted in my most campy manner and asked if they have wedding gowns for me! i am sure it will freak them out!

:-)

putting pieces together

consolidating my life, getting things in order, and laying instructions for my after-life is more difficult than i thought.

be systematic, be focused, be objective!

geylang serai market

i know this posting is gonna make me sound so auntie, but still i'd do it. i passed by the new geylang serai market a couple of weeks ago and from what i saw, i told myself i'd visit the place someday. and i did so today!

i remembered so clearly the market before the renovation, or rather, for a long long time even before the renovation. gaylang serai market had been synonymous with geylang serai itself. a place where the singapore malay community congregates and where the malay culture thrived. also, the name itself reminds me of trishaws, singapura theatre (and all it's hindi films), kampong and squatters, and of the huge dirty river that flowed through it. those were my earliest memories of the place. the river is now a canal, the squatters have been replaced with hdb public housing and much of the old kampong charm is gone. but thru the many years of development, the old market stood and continued to be the center of all activities. until 2 years back when development caught up.

geylang serai market had always been a place that would tingle all my senses so very much. yes, all my senses. literally. i earliest memories of the market was when i was a small boy when we lived in paya lebar. back then, i would frequently visit the market with my mum and she would hold my hand tight as we meandered our way through the little lanes of the overcrowded market. it was a highly disorganised market where at certain sections, one could get a food seller selling his kueh kueh beside a fabric seller and they were all so closely situated, it would be impossible to escape if there were a stampede! and as a kid, i would be pushed and squashed about all over by the adult mak ciks and pak ciks but i could not do anything except to hold on tight to my mum and be dragged along by her. and of cos, i remembered how my feet would get wet from the dirty, wet broken cemented floor that was made worst by the fishmonger uncles splashing water all over the place. geylang serai market also reminded me of the many shops selling bales of clothes and colourful sarongs. was always awed by the splashes of colours. but above all, it was the smell that i cannot forget. it was (and still is) not easy to find a place that has so many shops grinding herbs and spices at the same place and selling them to eager housewives wanting to cook curries and etc (those in serangoon aka little india pales when compared to geylang serai market!). and my visits to the market would often end with mum buying all the traditional kuehs, goreng pisang and what have you.

yes! talking about kuehs... i had been thinking of kueh dodol for quite a while already. and it was such a coincidence that bee bee also started to have a craving for it. so this morning, while i was at the market, i decided to hunt for it. walked around the place, soaked myself in the sights and the smell... (oooh, i loved it so much!)... and finally found it at the second level hawker center. i was so happy to see it in it's traditional packaging and bought 4 sticks - 2 regular flavour and 2 durian flavour. it cost me s$26! hmmm, i was so sure that guy ketuk me but well, i guessed i was a willing victim. been looking for good kueh dodol for a long while and i could not let this chance off!

ok, that was a side-track... now, back to the geylang serai market. my later visits to the markets was after my family moved to marine parade. eventually, i would make my own trips there to buy sarongs (for myself and for my mum) and the kuehs. and of cos, our trips would end with mum and i taking trishaw back to our kampong a short distance away. that was a long time back. the trishaws have disappeared. and now, a brand new multi-storey market stands in its place.

well, my impression of the newly built market was that it had retained the cultural flavour. the whole architecture, the choice of colours, choice of cloth for the bunting, the roof, the type of shops, etc... the malay community continue to congregate there. but i would say, it has lost bits of charm of the old market. something was missing. perhaps, it was the ambience, or perhaps it was the fact that i need no longer squeeze my way through, or that there was no more stale smells... well, whatever, something was just missing. but well, on the whole, it was a good experience nonetheless. and i am glad i made my trip.

ps: i remembered aziz's advice about the car park (or the lack of it) and i must agree with him. the accessibility to the carpark is bad and there were not many lots nearby. but i was lucky for today's a weekday and there were some free lots readily available by the roadside.

of cash crops

posted this as a comment in weetz's post. but thought it's a good recollection to keep here too. heh heh...

during my uni 3rd year, i signed up for a botany module on cash crops. the lecturer that took that module was a taiwanese prof. as he was taiwanese, his english was heavy accented and we had lots of laughs during his lecture. yup, it was not very nice, but we couldn't help it.

there was this particular lecture where he went on and on about this cash crop call 'on eye on' (well, he pronounced it as such). and we were kinda trying very hard to double guess what was 'on eye on'. at the end of the 1-hr lecture, one of my classmate stood up and sheepishly asked :" eh, prof, when is 'on eye on'?"... (frankly, we were all glad he asked for we were worried we might come across as really stupid to ask such a question) anyway, the question took him by surprise and he exclaimed :" wah, how come you all donno what is "on eye on"? ok, who do not know what is 'on eye on', raise your hand" and of cos, the whole class of close to 200 raised our hands. and he shook his head, mumbled something about us urban kids not knowing what cash crops were anymore and hurriedly walked to the blackboard, and spelt it out. and he did it so so so slowly, reading it out, very deliberately, letter by letter, with each letter in capital too. and he went...

......O ......N ......I ......O ......N

of cos, we had a good laugh after that... heh heh...

:-)

also, for the record, we had problems with his other cash crop lectures too. for example, he would pronounce `winged beans' as weeeeen-ged-ded bing and `french beans' as flaeng bing. so, you can imagine how confused we were during his class... hmmmph! but of cos, we had lotsa fun and laughters, much to his displeasure!

savers

finally, it's 14 aug!

:-)

prayers for bobby

am reposting this here. prayers for bobby is a tragic story based on the true events of bobby griffith - a gay teenager who could not get the necessary support from his family, particularly his mother, and committed suicide in the end. superb acting by sigourney weaver. you can read the synopsis of the tv movie here.

this film made me cry. it brought back lots of memories. it reminded me of the time when i tried to commit suicide. and i was glad i took the right path.

bilingual

bee bee and i were at ikea last evening. and as we walked, we came across this boy. he was no more than 2yrs old. he was sulking. apparently, his dad said something about going home but he didn't want to. but being a good boy, he held onto his daddy's hand and continued walking. he looked superbly sad. and we could see his sulking face slowly transformed into a crying face and then, all hell broke loose... he started crying. and it was a real cry. not those cry baby `bluff-bluff'-kinda sob like those we see of many kids (in hokkien we call that thiu-nyiew).

and then he started to hug his daddy's legs. "i dowan to 回家 [huíjiā], i dowan to 回家 [huíjiā]" the poor boy wailed. and he repeated, this time louder. "i dowan to 回家 [huíjiā], i dowan to 回家 [huíjiā]". and tears were flowing freely. the way he cried, it seemed like that whole world was about to crash onto him. and yes, i must say he cried real well. it was so authentic. it was the kinda cry that would soften an adult's heart. then again, in the context of that situation, and the fact that his words were muffled by his tears and cries, his reaction was actually rather funny. for that matter, his mum started laughing (i thought she felt a little embarrassed). and it was obvious his daddy felt a little awkward too.

at that moment, it seemed like everyone who walked pass the boy wanted to express "sooooooooo ccccccuuuute" but did not dare to. it was a little funny i must say. heh heh... bee bee and i walked on with a huge smile on our faces.

and yes, this kinda bilingual sentences is so singaporean...

:-)

普智 (pǔzhì)

finally completed the taking refuge ceremony. have been given a buddhist name. 普智 (pǔzhì). it means `universal knowledge'. i like it. i thought it is very apt.

:-)

consolidating

been good spending my consolidating my life. have not focused too much attention on this previously. and the process is a good one. it helped me prioritise things, consolidate and put them in perspective. hmmm, let's see what i have done/ need to start work on - my life's priorities, my bank accounts, my insurance policies, my investments, my will, la la la.

and i must admit, it is easier said that done. there are lots of digging of old documents and records, reflections, decisions to be made. and to do these, lots of energy is needed. but of cos, these actions are necessary as i reorganize and reorientate myself to a new phase in life.

:-)

rain rain rain...

the last time i said, "whenever i wash my car, it will rain", it did after i washed it. and today, after a long time, i decided to wash my car again. and guessed wat, it damned fucking rained again!

donno whether to laugh or cry!

apa lah...

ya, apa lah! took so long to publish. took a glance of the report by american psychological association (apa) and well, i must say that this report is a overdue but nonetheless very very welcome. the key message of this very comprehensive report was "sexual orientation can't be changed through therapy". avoid telling clients they can change their sexual orientation through therapy or other treatments, the world's largest association of psychologists tells mental health professionals.

and i would like to publish this report in my blog. and before you make any conclusions about me being self-righteous, and that becos i am gay, i interpret this report through the tainted lenses of a pro-gay person. hmmm, no. give me more credit. when i first i saw the report, my first reaction was - ya, this is another attempt by a gay website (fridae) and to self-justify everything that can be said about gay persons. i hate to say this, but yes, in the attempt to justify and fight for some recognition and gain societal acceptance, there are some sites that go about quoting whatever sources that they can find that supports their cause - regardless of the credibility of the reports. and in doing so, these websites ended up stepping on their own toes. and so, yup, i admit, i clicked on the hyperlink with a little cynicism.

i went through the report from several angles. i started by looking at the authors - are they gay? are they lesbians? if they are, then the credibility would be at stake. well, admittedly, i cannot be sure just by looking at their names. but looking at the panel and the list of authors that contribute to the report, whatever activist intent there might be would most likely be kept low. then i looked at the content. the questions asked, the methods used to research the research done, the flow of the report, the findings, the arguments and the way they conclude. the research of research approach (something that i am familiar with and fully understand the pain of going through the process) was very thorough. and i was impressed with the breadth and depth of the report.

admittedly, i did not read every single lines. it's over a hundred pages long. i cannot possibly read and digest them all over the last half hour or so. but by glancing at the key liners through the whole report, i could only conclude that it had been objectively researched and robustly argued and commented. and i was bought over.

i am interested to see what happens next.

:-)

melaka again

did a short day trip with lk to melaka yesterday. went in after lunch and came back by midnight. well, there was really nothing much to see. it was a weekday, all the shops were closed. jonkers street was quiet. the usual crowds were missing. the shopping center was relatively empty. in short, it was a boring 3hrs of walking around, shopping at eating. and of course, 7hrs of driving.

but it was good. it was a break from singapore. singapore has lots of things to do, lots of places to shop and lots of different food to eat, but it is too stressful. people seemed to rush from point to point. and it creates a unconscious sense of stress and the rush behaviour even when you shop or dine. and so, the trip effectively forced a slow down in our pace to relax and focus on what we do. we became more aware of the surrounding, the people, the place, the shops, the chendol... we saw many people wearing mask and concluded that it was an outcome of the h1n1 pandemic. we tasted the chendol and thought was really fragrant. we ate the nonya chap chye and concluded it was not as nice as those served with pork. we looked at the surrounding and noticed the words on the sigh boards. we wondered why there were so many museums. things that we do not usually pay attention to when in singapore.

and what i enjoyed most out of the whole trip was the time spent with her talking, catching up. been a long while since i saw her letting go of her work (yes, she's really a workaholic). and it's been a long while since we caught up with each others' lives, families, aspirations, future etc etc etc. it's not often that we talk about such things.

it was an enjoyable trip.

:-)

farewell lunch

my colleagues bought me a farewell lunch yesterday. and my immediate boss (ex-boss) was rather curious what i'd be doing, what my plans are, where i'll be working la la la... and when i told him i have decided to relax and reflect, he didn't believe me. he probed. and i said, i want to rest and spent more time with my family, he wasn't convinced. and he asked if my family has a business that will be helping out... hmmmm. so i told him no, i'll be spending more time with my mum.

from the chain of questions that came fast and furious, i sensed one common response - one of disbelief that i will be taking my time to rest before looking for a job. and from my frequent exchanges with people in my ex-line of work, it seemed that there seemed to be a great apprehension when it comes to transiting and getting a new job. i supposed it is natural. especially when they have mouths to feed and commitments to take care of. for me, it is not that i do not have commitments, yes i do. but perhaps it is cos i do not have a wife and children to feed and that i can give myself the flexibility to take a longer rest. i mean, i have worked for the past quarter of a century. and now that i am moving on, i am sure i deserve a very good break and to self-indulge a little right?

well, the lunch was the normal rush rush type and where people at the table talked about work (admittedly, having been out of the system for 2 months, i felt a little out of sync). and so, the lunch ended quickly and my (ex) colleagues came to shake my hands, wished me well and rushed off back to work. in short, it was more of a working lunch. as we walked towards the car park, my colleagues told me in unison how they envied me and that they wished they could be in my shoes given the craze and the workload they were facing. and of cos, i responded by telling them that i also envied them especially when it comes to salary time. heh heh... oooo, how i hate such diplomatic talks.

the lunch was actually a non-event. for me, it was a get-it-over-and-done-with thing. i have not worked with many of them long enough to feel close to them. or rather, i know most of them as a group, but not as individuals. and so the closeness is more of herd camaraderie and not closeness at a more personal-level. or perhaps, less my programme co-ordinator for we use to go for tea-breaks together and becos we had both worked very closely given we were both programme co-ordinators at some point. and he, being my kopi buddy, had also shared with me his frustrations about work, management la la la and with whom i had sparred with many a times over work issues. there were of course a lot of work tensions with him, but these were professional issues and did not come in the way of our interactions (of cos, at times, when he got on my nerves, i really wanted to kill him)! after we parted, i received an sms from him.

i was surprised by the content of his sms. he told me that while he did not know how the rest of our colleagues felt abt the lunch, for him personally, he felt that being able to talk to me was the highlight and that he felt very good. in a way, it reflected how he was not able to work as well with the current colleagues. he also added that he would like to continue to keep in touch and to have coffees as and when time allows. the short message caught me a little offguard. far as i know him, he was not the type to sound personal. and so getting such a message from him was a surprise for me. it said a lot about him. and i supposed that was how he communicated his missing a buddy. and that was how most men (straight men) communicate. rather indirect. and would only show a bit of the softer side through means other than face-to-face.

anyway, i enjoyed the food.

:-)

no national pledge

i see my friends and many people getting excited about reciting the national pledge this year at the co-ordinated time of 2022hrs. but for me, this year's national day will not be any different from my previous few ndps since 2005. also, i will not recite the national pledge. it's my own quiet way of protesting against the system. i am singaporean and i am gay. and as far as my government sees it, these two cannot co-exist.

and aptly enough, at 2022hrs this 9 aug, i will be in the midst of watching a gay-themed play.

:-)

deflowered

today, i got deflowered... ha ha... well, what i meant was, today, i went to the urology center for my final procedure - cystoscopy. and yes, i also got my ct scan results.

my urinary system is normal! well, of cos, the doctor explained that my ct scan showed possibly some small stones. but given that i have not experienced any blood anymore in my urine, it meant that the stones have already been discharged and cleared from my system. also, the cystoscopy did not show any abnormality in urethra and my bladder. so... hey! i am ok!

:-)

anyway, the whole process of going through the cystoscopy was rather traumatic. the following explains.

i arrived. registered and was asked to head to another room to take my urine specimen (damned it! i just peed before that!). drank some tap water and tried my best to squeeze whatever i have into the cup. passed the cup to the nurses to do the urine tests. and was asked to wait for my turn to do the procedure.

waited for about an hour before i was called. i walked into the room. was asked to sign a consent form and was then asked to lie on the bed. face up. the nurse then asked me to lift up my gown all the way up to my waist. and she covered my lower body with a cloth. the doctors came. two of them. one of them explained the procedure to me. and then he asked me to expose myself - mr sim, i need you to expose yourself he went (it seemed a standard liner and very rehearsed). i did so and he told me he would be apply some solution and gel to my cock head area. next thing i knew, i felt some cooling solution being applied and before i knew it, he held up my penis and told me to breath in and out deeply. as i did so, i felt a surge of pressure entering my pee hole (into my urethra). it was superbly uncomfortable. and i felt a little pain.

and i was asked to breath deeply again. the pressure increased again. i felt something being pumped in and there seemed to be a lot of fluid flowing all over (this, i believe was to fill my bladder so that it can be stretched). and the next thing i knew, i was told i could take a look at my bladder. it was a very surreal experience to be able to see your own internal lining of your bladder. i mean, i had done the scope of my nasal cavity before where the doctor inserted a scope through my nostril and where i was able to see my pharynx, but to be able to see my own bladder lining brought this surreality to a whole new level! and i wanted to pee. arghhh... but i thought the internal lining of my bladder looked a little like the inner lining of a pig's stomach. haha!

and before i knew it, the probing began. he twisted the scope around the whole bladder. and at some points, i was able to see the point where the scope entered my bladder. well, blood vessels, normal, no growth, normal, turn around, again, some wavy folds, some more blood vessels, and he saw some red spot, went closer, magnify, nope. not something that he should be worried about, and he went round again. and once he was satisfied, he told me all seemed ok and that he should be able to discharge me and give me an open date. and as i turned my head to look at him, he pulled out the scope. next thing i felt was a whole lots of fluid flowing all over my lower body (i think it was the fluid he pumped into my bladder that came out when he pulled it out).

the procedure was done and completed in some 15-20min. but as i went through it, it felt forever. and during the whole process, i felt cold and constantly tensed up. i had to remind myself again and again to relax. relax. relax. it was not much different from how i felt when my dentist drill my teeth during my root canal op. you get the idea. anyway, once the doctor pulled out the scope, he told the nurse to help clear me up. very quickly she wiped my lower body and i was asked to change up and wait outside the room.

i am glad it is over. but for the next 2-3 days, i will experience pain when i pee. so there goes, today i got deflowered.

haha...

cystoscopy

after my recent check-up and ct scan, i will once again, head back to the urology center at 3pm today. and apart from getting my results for my ct scan, i will be undergoing cystoscopy. now feeling a little kancheong...

:-|

i am happy

i felt very very very happy today. no, it was not becos i left my service. in fact, i had been so numbed about my work since 2005 that i no longer feel anything when i left service. or at least, not to the organisation. or... hmmm, well, perhaps i'll miss the money. heh heh.

anyway, my happiness was the fact that i got closer towards refuge taking and receiving the precepts yesterday. i went for the talk at the temple as part of my prep. although frankly, i was a little disappointed with the talk cos it was a little too simple, i accepted that the venerable was pitching his talk at a really layman's level. after the talk, i made my way to purchase my robes. after that, as i made my way back to the library, i was suddenly overwhelmed by a sense of happiness. a feeling that i cannot really describe. it was just so pure. i broke into a smile, then a laugh and i started running... amazing!

:-)

my resurrection as a gay man

today marks my "resurrection" as a gay man. it is my first day out of the military service officially and i am no longer bounded by the restrictions imposed on me by my security department. and to mark this occasion, i reposted my photo in fridae. well, in a large way, it was symbolic. symbolic for the fact that today, i am officially resurrected as me. myself. a gay person. a gay singaporean.

i lost the freedom to exist as me, a gay man on a fateful day in may 2005. that was when i was called up by my security department for questioning. i was made to tell everything about myself, more specifically, my gay self. you can never imagine the humiliation of being put through a questioning where you are made to reveal everything to some unknown straight homophobes about your sex history, your sex practices, your partner/s, whether you are top or bottom, and so on. and after all these were asked and statements written, i was asked to make and sign my `voluntary' commitments to not divulge my sexuality to gay people i interact with, not to post any photos in any gay networking websites, not to visit any gay places/ places that are frequented by gays (including bars, saunas, clubs, etc) (for the record, i don't really frequent them). and to ensure i behave myself `responsibly', i need to keep the security department informed whenever i leave the country, where i go to, who i go with from then on. and i was warned that i might be called back to the security department to do polygraph test anytime. in short, that was the day where i lost my freedom to do what i want. and this was for fear of reasons not clear to me (not clear cos the reasons given to me range from me being a security risk becos i am gay, to possibility of loss in confidence by the public when parents find out there is a gay person amongst in the senior ranks, to fraternalizing, etc). whatever the reasons, it centered around the need to protect the military organisation. but to me, it was pure homophobia. it was a total bullshit. anyway, these were the restrictions that i had to observe.

of cos, i signed. my coming out cost me my scholarship. it cost me my possibilities of promotion. i lost all clearance to access any classified information. i became employed but undeployable. suddenly, i felt the whole weight of the organisation on me. it was very choking. i was confused. i was disoriented. i was scared. i went into depression. i started getting asthma. i began to experience memory lapses. i started getting physical injuries. i broke my ankle. my neck and back injuries worked up. all these made worst by my own emotional problems. i was caught in a 4-way relationship. my relationship with james fell apart. i was at rock bottom. financially, i needed the money. i could not not hold on to my job. i had too many commitments. i had to support my parents. i needed the job. and so, from that time onwards, i became a prostitute. not in a literal sense. but rather, work for the money and no longer for a belief in my organisational ideals. i envy some of my buddies, they packed up and left. they were similarly choked. i didn't have the same courage. yet, i was so disillusioned.

that was 4 years ago. i had kept to all my commitments. and in the process, my common space with many of my friends decreased. it took a toll of my friends. eventually, my friends disappeared. it was a slow strangling process. i held on. till today. so, yes, by putting my face in fridae is my very first act to get back my identity. to live my life.

so, from today onwards, dancer66 has a face.

it's a new beginning.

:-)

picture from: http://www.digitaljournal.com/image/51471

dad's anniversary

time flies. today is my dad's death anniversary (by lunar calendar). there was supposed to be a family gathering of sorts to pay our respects to my dad to commemorate the day. but my bro decided that he would do the commemoration on 10 aug (gregorian calendar anniversary) given that he has to bring my mum for her medical appt. well, no choice i supposed.

nonetheless, i managed to pay a visit to the columbarium to pay my respects and do the needful.

:-)

ps: by right, the actual lunar calendar date is 10th day of the 7th lunar month. today is the 10th day of the 6th lunar month. but considering this year's lunar month has a leap 5th month, the 6th month is considered the 7th month instead. apparently, such a ruling to ignore the presence of a leap month applies only to anything that involves white affairs (matters pertaining to death).

finally

am finally out...

well, of my current profession, that is.

:-)

jap songs - 谷村新司 - 昴-すばる

it's so nice to see and hear this song all over again. thanks for willie for sharing it. it certainly brings back lots of memories. must say that lots of japanese songs and the annual red/white singing competitions bring back some of my best memories of my secondary school and junior college days...

young, naive and innocent...

:-)

videos past

in this afternoon's episode of growing up, i saw this boy who played the role of a carpenter trainee. thought he looked cute. oooooo. i like. and then i thought, hey, he kinda look familiar lor... and i smsed weetz. then he confirmed. yes, that was him. 20 (?) yrs ago. wa! he looked so young!

ok, ok. enough. what i am trying to say here is that this short clip made me realize that i have aged. and hmmmph! i don't have any videos of my younger days. those days, only those well-to-do people or those who work in the media industry get this kinda opportunities. then again, why regret right? at least i have my memories and my photos. and yes, there is really nothing to stop us from capturing such videos of ourselves today! hmmmm, perhaps i'd better start capturing myself on video so that some years down, i can look back and remember what i am like today (aka my younger days in future).

:-)

last visit

went to my headquarters this morning. it was an exit interview with my director. well, i have never seen nor work with him before... he was new to me. and of cos, this meant that there was nothing much to talk about when we meet. he had to refer to his file (containing my cv) as we talked. and so, you know it... the exit interview was nothing short of - ok, need to do it and just let's get it done with. quick. it was the kind where the interviewer starts with - oh hi, i think i have met you before somewhere rite?... (ya, rite, our organisation is big but certainly not that big...). some basic courtesies followed, then some questions abt how i felt abt the organisation... then what my plans would be... then, ok thanks for coming by and good luck. short and sharp. and it was over in 15mins. hmmmm, such a waste of time.

my most meaningful time was spent catching up with my ex-staff from my ex-office after the interview. for after so many years, and after so many changes of heads, they still show so much warmth and care for me. and i was rather moved by the fact that my ex-secretary, when she heard i would be heading back to office to see them, had coffee and some little bites for me when i arrived. and my ex-staff all gathered and had a simple breakfast with me at the canteen. it felt so good catching up. so, in a large way, it was not a good bye, it was a catching up with old friends.

i guess when we leave any big organisation, it will not be the organisation or the heads per se that we will miss. the organisation changes. and given the policy of bringing people from outside your department to head your department, the heads won't know you most of the time. but rather, it will be the people we work with that we will miss. for it is through the long and arduous working hours that we create our bonds and forge our identities. and regretfully, people who become our head, being parachuted in, do not have the luxury of journeying through the departments ups and downs together, don't know us and much less, to be able to connect with us... and as for people we know, they die out. they disappear.

well, in the early days, i go for annual gatherings to catch up with those who have retired. they were after all, my shi fu, my teachers, my seniors. they have watched me grow, and i have learned much from them. and in these gathering, the retirees come back to catch up with their juniors who have, in turn, become the heads. nowadays, we do not see the retired people. not since we have the policy of parachuting people as heads. who would want to return and not know the current head? they would most likely be parachuted from somewhere... and with no ties that bind, there will be no memories to reminisce, there would be no common topics to talk about and there would be no further bonds to hold on to.

and i can bet with anyone that i will not be invited for any such gatherings (heh heh... and i am saying this cos 2 yrs back, i got an email from my head office asking me if i belong to them...)

:-)

hota

there are some things in life where you just do not know whether to be happy and celebrate or to be depress, bury your head in some hole and hope you don't exist. and of late, they seemed to be happening to be quite often. perhaps it comes with age. the following refers:

three years ago i received a letter congratulating me about qualifying for eldershield... hmmm, one of those days... ya, i know, i am old...

and before the news really sink in, a year later, i received a more enthusiastically sounded letter - congratulations! you now qualify for eldershield plus

hmmmm... and just when i was about to move on and forget these reminders... today i get another letter - human organ transplant act (hota). well, it kinda tells you that it is now an opt out thing and goes into great details about how you can help save the living when you die.

putting all three together, what i went thru can be best explained as - mr sim, you are now old... then mr sim, you are now older... then mr sim, when you die, we will take your organs hor.

hmmmmm...

:-)

sgh staff

i went for my uro ct scan today. and if what happened today is exemplary of what happens everyday, then i can say sgh staffs have a superbly great sense of humour... let me elaborate:

incident 1
managed to find a car park lot but i had to walk some 150m before i reach the main door. as i enter, i have to walk through the thermal scanner to scan for fever as per h1n1 procedure. and at the thermal scanner, a young 20-plus yr old cute male thermal scanner attendant came up to me and exclaimed :"wa, you are so hot!". hmmm, for that moment i almost wanted to reply, thanks, i know (hmmm, just like the fantastic 4 show). then again, knowing singaporeans, they'll just stare at you blankly if i gave such an answer. so instead, i told him i need to cool myself further before i walk through again...

incident 2
i was rather impressed with the counter staff for calling me up rather quickly after registration. before i knew it, an attendant came and asked me to change into the gown. and of cos, think it was kinda straight forward for her. for she went on and on about how i should remove everything, including my underwear and then go pee and la la la... and after doing all that, i walked out of the toilet and she was no where to be found. man, i tell you, the best way to make a man lost all confidence in himself is to make him stand in hospital gown with no underwear in public and not know what to do! anyway, she appeared about 30 sec later and asked me to sit at the waiting area. waited for about an hour before my turn came! tsk tsk tsk...

incident 3
at the preparation room, nurse trying to explain to me the procedure. again, without knowing exactly what i was supposed to be scanned on (other than uro ct scan), she gave a generic explanation... it almost seemed tape recorder-like:

nurse: mr sim, later, when you go in, we will be scanning your uterus.

me: er, nurse, i don't think i have an uterus... (wtf!!! i thought)

nurse: er, well, ok ok... we will be scanning your uterus and your kidney and all that la...

me: !!! (sighs!)

incident 4
at the scanning room, i was strapped to the bed and i was halfway through the scan. the radiographer (an uncle) came up to me to tell me he will be injecting a contrast dye into me. and just before he did that, the following conversation occurred:

radiographer: mr sim, i will be injecting the dye now hor.

me: ok.

radiographer: er... i think you looked very familiar leh

me (mind trying to think through how to answer him, 2 sec later): oh, is it... ha ha! (ya, i know, it's lame)

radiographer: er, are you a famous celebrity...

me: !!! (and the uncle walked away)

hmmm, fun right? agree with me that the sgh staff all have a superbly great sense of humour?... heh heh...

:-)

uro ct scan

i'll be heading for the uro ct scan today. this is a follow-up from my visit to the urologist recently. and the prep instructions this time round are very explicit - 12hrs before the procedure, to take my asthma medication, and again 2hrs before the procedure. and as for oral intake - no food or drinks after 10am. 250ml of water at 1145hrs. 250mls of water again at 1245hrs. and to report at 1335hrs for procedure at 1350hrs. last drink of water to be given before the procedure itself...

but at 1045hrs, i was already thirsty. and so to distract myself and to wild away sometime, i decided to bathe my dog. and with so much water gushing and splashing, i got thirstier... damned it!

haiz...

:-)

fan or citizen

it was good to see the whole stadium turned red again last evening.

but it was not due to the fact that national day is round the corner. rather, it was due to liverpool playing a game against the singapore national team. and i believe the whole stadium was there to cheer their football team on, not their national team. so, for once in a rare blue moon, singapore fans turned up to cheer another team instead. and i can imagine the go go go torres! and the booooo... (whoever the singapore players were)... hmmm.

:-)

ps: and for the record, i was driving to town at abt 6pm and i find it absolutely absolutely fucking irritating to be tailgated (when i was already driving at 100 plus km/hr) by another car driven by 2 liverpool fans. or for that matter, the whole road seemed to be full of liverpool fans in red adidas t-shirts. frankly, i think the commonness in dressing made them looked really clonish. and for reasons best known to themselves, most of the fans i saw driving on the roads were either malays or indians. and the same tailgating happened when i drove home at about 10pm! wtf!

updated travel list

time to update my trips around the world list... :P

2009
jun/jul - australia (perth, cervantes, margaret river, augusta, walpole, denmark, pemberton, manjimup, albany, hyden, corrigin, york, fremantle, joondalup)

2008
jun - thailand (phuket)
oct - malaysia (malacca, kuala lumpur)
dec - malaysia (cameron highliands, malacca)

2007
apr - malaysia (malacca)
apr - china (beijing)
jun - australia (perth)
aug - vietnam (hanoi, haphong)
aug - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)
dec - china (shanghai)

2006
apr - malaysia (kl)
jun - australia (sydney)
aug - thailand (bangkok)
sep-oct - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)
oct - thailand (bangkok)
dec - china (hong kong)

2005
feb - thailand (bangkok)
mar - malaysia
may - thailand (bangkok)
jun - indonesia (bintan)
jul - indonesia (bintan)
sep - indonesia (bintan)
oct - malaysia (kl)
nov - malaysia (jb, malacca)
nov - indonesia (bintan)
dec - taiwan (taipei)

2004
feb - taiwan (kaoshiung)
mar - taiwan (kaoshiung)
jun-dec - states (florida, new york, illinois, etc)
dec - china (shanghai, hangzhou)

2003
jun - australia (sydney)
sep-oct - taiwan (taipei)
dec - s korea (seoul, sorat)

2002
jun - england (london, oxford, etc)

2001
mar - states (california [la, sfo], new york)
may - taiwan (whole)
may - malaysia
jul - states (san diego)
dec - malaysia

2000
jun - australia (sydney)
dec - indonesia (bintan)

1999
feb - indonesia (jember)
may - england (london)
jun - malaysia
oct - japan (tokyo)

1998
mar - malaysia
jun - malaysia
sep - new zealand (christchurch)
nov - new zealand (christchurch, auckland)

1997
jun - indonesia (bintan, batam)
jun - thailand (bangkok, pattaya)
nov - switzerland (zurich, lucerne), israel (jerusalem)

pre-1997
lots of places but mainly in asia. these include east and west malaysia (lost count), taiwan (lost count), hong kong (twice?), australia brisbane, sydney, melbourne (1994), thailand (bangkok, kanchanaburi, chiangmai, chiangrai) (lost count), indonesia (bintan, batam, jember, surabaya) (trice?), brunei (lost count), etc etc etc...

dental scaling

just did dental scaling for sapphie. am fortunate to have sapphie let me do the scaling without too much of a fuss. she lies on my lap and allows me to use a scissors to scrap her tartar off her teeth. and at the age of 10 (she'll be 10 this nov), i must say she still has a set of relatively healthy teeth (except for her upper jaw molars that seemed a little too calcified with tartar to be able to be scrapped off). well, at least compared to many other dogs i see that start to lose their teeth as early as when they are 5 yrs old!

:-)

experiencing life

life - is about experiencing...

not too sure why. but this phrase kept popping up in my head today. and then suddenly, i thought - i have not climbed a mountain in my life. and so, i decided that my next trip overseas would involve climbing a mountain. and then mount fuji came to mind. ok, i'll go climb mount fuji next. and then james (my ex) came to mind. he did a trip to mount fuji with his students once before. and i had seen the photos and thought i was real nice. and then i recalled reading somewhere that recently 2 persons were found dead on the way up mount fuji. hmmm, and then i wondered how many peaks i have actually climbed that could be called `mountain'... bukit timah, bukit panjang, and mount faber are definitely out. and lao fo shan (老佛山) (the `old buddha mountain' located in pingtung hsien 屏東縣, taiwan that i had climbed as an officer cadet back in 1986) didn't seemed high enough, same for bukit biang and bukit pasir putih in temburong district, brunei (what more when it is called a bukit and not a gunung). hmmm, how about gunung ledang, or more popularly known as mount ophir... well, reached the camping ground many times but never the peak...

hmmm, my mind has this interesting and annoying habit of wondering... heh.

anyway, yes, i want to continue to experience life.

i will want to climb a mountain next.

:-)

what weddings should be

got this url from beng san. and i really like it. this is what weddings should be! a celebration! not the formal and sombre stuff that we always see and that reminds one of funerals... heh heh. and i find it so interesting and really liked the fact that all of them look so `common', so `unprofessional' for it gives the whole event a very warm feel... and oh, the guys include the `pwee pwee bak bak' types, and the seniors and the gals are so spontaneous and sporty too!

and yes, this is so much more fun that all the boring military swords and stuff! conventional!

hmmmph!

:-)

twittering

after hesitating for so so long, i have finally registered with twitter...

heh!

:-)

emo...

it seemed like everyone is emo-ing recently. for suddenly, in the past few days, i have thomas telling me he is emo-ing this and emo-ing that. and then today, i was also a little emo cos i was so bored and then i couldn't catch a show cos timings clash. and then, another friend is emo-ing cos her bf has gone back to australia. and then, another friend wrote in her blog abt emo-ing for the lack of achievements. hmmmm... what's with this sudden tsunami of emo emo stuff these days? cannot be that after the full solar eclipse, everybody starts to emo rite?

lol!

:-)

pseudonyms

heh heh... just found out by chance the real name of a bisexual whom i befriended last year and who eventually went missing after i kinda told him off in an email. well, i guessed after all the so called `truthful talk' and sharing about his fears, his wife, his daughter la la la... he is still not comfortable with having gay friends. i wish him well...

:-)

taking refuge

have finally registered for refuge taking that will be held this coming 9 aug. been wanting to do it all these years.

:-)

car cleaning

been a long while since i last washed my car. well, you can say i am one of those type of lazy car washers who'd clean my car when it rains. the ritual goes this way - heavy downpour, drive car into the rain, get it wet, drive car into covered car park, wipes car, drives car into the rain for the final rinse... heh heh... no need to go car wash. saves $6. saves water too. and of cos, when it comes to the interior, i am the type who vacuums my car once a blue moon. and that was what i did over the last two days. rain washed my car yesterday. and today, i vacuumed my car.

now, it looks relatively clean.

heh heh... life of a soon-to-retire person...

:-)

hmmm...

some things to ponder about...

• why do we chicken out and not approach people we are interested in?

• why do our hearts beat extra fast/ skip a beat when people we are interested in walk towards us?

• why do talkative people suddenly become quiet in front of people they are interested in?

• why do we not add our ex as friends in facebook?

• why do we continue to follow the happenings of our ex's life behind his back?

some of the things that we do that are beyond good reasons and that probably only we ourselves know.

hmmmm...

:-)

9-days

it's finally down to single digit. i have 9 more days to go before i leave my organisation. but i will not be heading back to get my documentations on the last day. that happened to be my dad's first death anniversary and i need to do the nec prayers. will only head back to office on 3 aug to get my documents.

and today, i went back to office to return my laptop, my security pass and my office key. with these stuff all returned, it means my clerical staff can now proceed to do the out-pro for me and to collect my personal documentations from my central manpower office to prepare for my eventual departure.

:-)

eclipsed

after all the hype about the full solar eclipse and how it is the longest eclipse to occur this century la la la... we all woke up to an overcast sky / heavy downpour weather. and any glimpse of the sun is only achieved through the tv set.

:-)

love of siam

enjoyed the show love of siam thoroughly. subtle messages. but very powerful in itself. and a few liners and scenes linger on after the show - (1) "i can't be your boyfriend, but that doesn't mean i do not love you..." (2) tong: "i need you to tell me, for if i choose wrongly, you'll be angry" tong's mum "whichever you choose, it will be beautiful" and so tong chose the male figurine (angel) (3) june: "when you open the envelop, you will understand" june = tang, tang = june...

grooming time

today, steven brought me to this particular pet shop to groom sapphie. basic package - cut nails, trim a bit of fur here and there, & a doggie bath. nothing elaborate. cost me $50. actually could have done it myself. but thought it might be a good idea to pamper sapphie once (considering all these while, i've been the only one who ever groomed her). i guessed it was a new experience for sapphie. she looked apprehensive and i had to be there throughout the process to calm her down.

well, she survived her first private grooming. not too much hassle. her initial apprehension disappeared after a while once she realized it was not too frightening. and now she looks fluffy and bouncy. and certainly very nice smelling.

:-)

it's soooo huge!!!

ok, am talking abt my new tv... it was delivered yesterday and when the delivery man carried it into the house, i was like waahhhhhhhh wtf... so bluddy big!!! well... at least much bigger than my current (or rather `old') tv set...

gotta get use to the new remote control... hmmm, so many buttons...

heh heh...

office

been a long while since i returned to office and thought i'd drop by today to clear my mails after visiting my mum. i had sapphie with me. and it was good. being a sunday, the whole place was deserted. and i was able to clear all my mails (more than 230 over of them) and print out all the stuff i need to print as records for future without being disturbed. and i did all these within half hour...

(heh heh... speed reading plus speed deleting of mails)

:-)

毛山王 / 猫山王

just had the most sumptuous butter durian (猫山王 or some also posted it as 毛山王) earlier! 2 durians shared by 3 persons. and bought another 4 for my 2nd sis' family! sweet with a hint of bitterness. smooth and creamy. and not to forget - the very thick flesh and very small seeds! yum yumzzzzz...

last full pay

thought about it and realized that this is the last month i'm getting my full 1-month pay. next month, it'll be pro-rated. following that, i'll be unemployed. and for a long long long long time to come, i'll not be able to smell a sum anywhere near what i am getting now... then again, a large part of what i am getting now goes to loans. and that means, i'll be living on my savings from next month onwards... hmmmm...

how sad can that be!

:-(