two boats

earlier, a friend smsed me telling me that he is in love with someone. the issue is that he is attached and that this other person is also attached. and so he is very confused now. here is someone whom he connects well with - the chemistry and all... and then there is his bf whom he mentioned has some character flaws...

his sharing reminded me so much of myself in 2005. and i fully understand what he is going through. this story has been told to me by several friends over the past years. it amazing how common such things happen and i am seeing a pattern...

anyway, my advise to him is to reflect on this situation of his - why and how did he and his bf reach this state of affairs? what was it that made him lost the chemistry with his bf? have they gotten so use to one another that they have taken each other for granted? what is it in the chemistry that he is experiencing with this new chap that he has not been able to experience with his bf? how long as he been with this new chap? is this time long enough for him to fully understand him (this new chap), and to see/ feel his flaws? and so on...

told him he must do some soul-searching himself, decide what's good vs what's right, and move forward in life. think he has the answer, but he is afraid to face it. whatever the case, he also should talk to his bf about it and decide how to move forward...

i wish him well. i really do.

pat

met up with pat - an ex-colleague, or rather, a friend - earlier on. been wanting to meet up and have dinner with her since 2 years ago when i came out to her. but due to my procrastination (yes, again!), it just did not happen... anyway, it was good that i lost my phone recently. as a result of asking for numbers and sending out emails, i managed to get in touch with friends like pat again. and i was reminded of the long awaited dinner and a date was arranged on the spot! heh heh...

we had dinner at west coast plaza (old ginza plaza). food was nice. and wat was nicer was the company. used to work in the same department as her 6 years back. and following my posting to another set-up in 2004, we parted ways. have not met her since and yes, there was indeed a lot of things to catch up with her. and i must really give it to her. cos she has this way of making me feel comfortable. comfortable enough to share about my life. and we ended up with having coffee and chatting further about life and stuff.

it was certainly an enjoyable and very refreshing evening.

:-)

weakening hands

for my right arm, my tennis elbow refused to go away since early oct 08. in fact, it has deteriorated to the point where i can hardly move my arm and fingers without feeling pain and weak, even for typing my keyboard. for my left arm, things seemed ok... at least until this afternoon in office when i noted a general weakness on my hand and that i could not use my little finger to press the `ctrl' key while stretching my thumb to press the other keys (such as `p' or `b') at the same time... the whole hand just seemed so weak...

wonder why this is so...

:-(

where is matt?

watching this makes me smile...

and then when i see him apologize to singapore for his supposedly lame shots, i smiled even more... and i am sharing it here so that you can smile too!

ps: look out for the very last 0.5sec of the second video! hahaha!

the law of the garbage truck

my first post for 2009 and decided to post this story. something i read from blowing wind and i thought it is very meaningful. and very in line with my blog title... :-)

***

how often do you let other people's nonsense change your mood? do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss, or an insensitive employee ruin your day? unless you're the terminator, for an instant you're probably set back on your heels.

however, the mark of a successful person is how quickly she can get back her focus on what's important. sixteen years ago i learned this lesson. i learned it in the back of a new york city taxi cab. here's what happened.

i hopped in a taxi, and we took off for grand central station. we were driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. my taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car's back end by just inches! the driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and he started yelling bad words at us. my taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. and i mean he was friendly.

so, i said, "why did you just do that? this guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" and this is when my taxi driver told me what i now call, "the law of the garbage truck." many people are like garbage trucks. they run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. as their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it. and if you let them, they'll dump it on you. when someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally. you just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. you'll be happy you did. so this was it: the "law of the garbage truck.” i started thinking, how often do i let garbage trucks run right over me? and how often do i take their garbage and spread it to other people: at work, at home, on the streets? it was that day i said, "i'm not going to do it anymore."

i began to see garbage trucks. like in the movie "the sixth sense," the little boy said, "i see dead people." well, now i see garbage trucks. i see the load they're carrying. i see them coming to drop it off. and like my taxi driver, i don't make it a personal thing; i just smile, wave, wish them well, and i move on. one of my favorite football players of all time, walter payton, did this every day on the football field. he would jump up as quickly as he hit the ground after being tackled. he never dwelled on a hit. payton was ready to make the next play his best.

good leaders know they have to be ready for their next meeting. good parents know that they have to welcome their children home from school with hugs and kisses. leaders and parents know that they have to be fully present, and at their best for the people they care about. the bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.

what about you? what would happen in your life, starting today, if you let more garbage trucks pass you by? here's my bet. you'll be happier. life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so... love the people who treat you right. forget about the ones who don't. believe that everything happens for a reason. if you get a chance, take it! if it changes your life, let it! nobody said it would be easy... they just promised it would be worth it!

2008 - year of loss

here i am, once again, penning my final entry for the year. this has been a difficult year for me on most fronts. and for a very long time, i was not able to find a suitable descriptor for this year. and short of a better word, i’ll christen 2008 a year of loss.

family
this was one of the most difficult front for me this year. as expected, both my parent’s health continued to deteriorate, first dad, then mum. for dad, he continued to weaken and had quiet a few falls in the early parts of the year. he eventually came down with several illnesses including suspected liver cancer, failing kidneys and so on. his deteriorating health eventually led him to his departure from us in aug 08. as for my mum, after staying with me for the last 3 years, she finally moved out after dad’s demise. in a way, it was unplanned for for she wanted to move out temporarily to settle dad’s post funeral 100^th-day rites. then, on the 99^th day after dad’s passing on, she herself fell ill. she was hospitalized twice – first for pneumonia and then for stomach ulcer – both within a span of 3 weeks. luckily, she pulled through both. nonetheless, her well-being was badly affected and she has weakened to the point where she can no longer walk steadily. she now needs a wheelchair when she leaves the house. the domestic helper that was meant to look after dad came after his demise and now looks after mum. and given that the helper was registered under my brother's address, my mum will continue to put up with him.

my dad's illness over several months and his eventual demise took its toll on the relationships between my siblings and i. between my eldest sister and i, she has stopped talking to me after my dad’s demise. i am not sure of the reasons, but i believe my threatening her following her insisting that we convert dad before his demise could be one of the main reasons. i simply cannot allow her to proceed and convert dad without his own consent and in his state of incoherence, not to mention he had already given clear instructions how he wanted his funeral to be arranged. between my brother and i, he `disowned’ me and threatened to beat me up once. this was following a request i made to him to help me talk to my dad about his behaviour. to a large extent, i believe it was him venting his decades of frustrations. this intense exchange of words also saw him threatening to out me to my relatives. that, in a way, was my coming out to him. the only silver lining out of these difficult times was that the constant interactions between my second sis and i led to a better relationship between us. i am not optimistic about my relationship with my brother and my eldest sister in the long run. nonetheless, as i have mentioned and expected, the family will break once my mum leaves us. so for me, 2008 was technically the year where i lost my dad, and to a large extent, my family.

looking ahead, my only hope is that mum will continue to have a healthy year ahead.

relatives
i feel the need to include a new para on relatives for they played a huge part in my life this year. there was a renewal of contacts between me and some of my mum’s side relatives. because of my brother’s insistence in keeping our family news from my mum’s side due to his biased views about them, they were kept out of the developments in my family - including my dad’s demise as well as my mum’s several hospitalizations. while i did not agree with him about keeping news from them, i went along with it for i did not want to see things get out of hand. it was after dad’s funeral that i called up a couple of them to inform them of the news. they were naturally rather disappointed and unhappy about us not keeping them in the loop about dad’s demise and my only explanation was that this was dad’s wish and that i had to respect it. i believed they have sensed something amiss. anyway, my eldest cousin (my mum’s side) had been diagnosed with stage 3 cancer early dec 08. hope she can manage the diagnosis well.

as for my dad’s side, i must say events leading up to his demise and the subsequent ritual arrangements allowed me to see and experience another side of his siblings. i could see inter-sibling anger and disagreements and most importantly, how they have focused on the positive aspects of things and coexisted accepting each others' differences instead. for me personally, i had my own tensions when i felt my aunt had gone too far and intruded into my family affairs. but looking from another perspective, it reflected the closeness between her and my dad and how she had supported us (my dad's family). for that i am thankful. in a special way, i admire their closeness as a family and i do not think i will ever achieve similar with my siblings nor will i get the same support from them when i die.

friends
as usual, some previously rather close friends/ group of friends have disappeared or lessened their interactions in 2008. whether it was a deliberate act or not, i think it was not important. but rather, i see it as a function of a widening distance due to lessened contact, and perhaps different frequencies. for some of them, i personally felt a slight sense of betrayal given the efforts su how and i had put in previous years for one or two of them. then again, i reminded myself that there was no need to look back, feel betrayed or get sentimental over. making friends should not come with expectations. and much as there was a start, there would be an end. it’s a natural progression of things.

on a brighter note, i had also made some new friends - francis, thomas, ming, kevin and so on. they have shared many aspects of their lives with me and i thank them for the trust. and there was also the rekindling of ties with friends whom i had previously lost/ lessened contacts over the years - justin, lay pheng, hwee2, bunny... just to name some of them. for some of them, the rekindling of old ties allowed me to establish deeper levels of trust and sharing. most important of all, there were those who have stuck by me for the longest times and i am blessed to have them band around me (as usual) this year. they have been a source of encouragement to me many a times. to all my friends - the old, the new, the new old - i thank you all for your friendship.

increasingly, as the years catch on, i realized that it is friends who would be the main source of support for me, both gays and straights alike. guess it is nothing to be sad about. it is perhaps a common thing for gay men. for us, friends are our family and this, perhaps is something that a straight person would not be able to fully appreciate.

health
i have generally been healthy in 2008. there was the usual bouts of flu, fevers, and so on. but these were normal and there were no significant changes in this regard. err… perhaps in my waistline. heh heh… a case of decreasing metabolic rates i supposed. also, the usual pains, aches and problems were all related to the aging process and worsening cervical spondylosis. otherwise, there was really nothing that i should be extra concern about. and as i go into 2009, i will have to continue with my physiotherapy, manage my health, my food intake and of course manage my weight...

work
with regards work-life, things had been rather uneventful. this was my third year on the job and i guessed i have found my own water-level. as people always mentioned – first year you learn, second year you try, third year you adjust and apply. as for the security department, the drill of keeping them informed of my trips overseas continue.

middle of the year, my boss tried to get me to extend my service for another 3-5 years. but with the security side's disagreement, he finally gave up trying. despite all the assurance that the system is open to people of different sexuality (read `gay'), unstated rules and practices on the ground indicate otherwise. anyway, i continued my networking efforts and there were occasions where i actually thought i could get somewhere. my networking efforts came to a temporary halt when i eventually got my service successfully extended till jul 09. this extension was to allow me to achieve 10-yr continuous service so as to enjoy post-retirement medical and tax-free retirement benefits.

on the study-front, i have finally completed my masters programme and graduated in jul 08 with a masters in instructional designs and technology. this allowed me to add to my curriculum vitae an additional credential and i am sure would help in my career transitioning.

personal life
things remained stable between me and su how this year, our 3^rd year. thru the year, we both had our own tensions with our personal life and work. for me, it was about my studies and my eventual extension of service. for him, it was his trouble with the force, his eventual departure from it and his business venture with (ice cream & waffle) james and company. there were of course some slight tensions between us occasionally. the most significant to me was when i made my decision to hand over to him the bank account. to me, it wasn’t a simple act of handing back the account, apart from my worry that the money may not be used for the right purpose, it also meant the loosening up of the relationship and the lack of trust he has in me. but upon reflecting, it eventually dawned upon me that it was his money after all and that he should ultimately be responsible for it. more importantly, i will also have to give him my trust and not fall into my own trap of nannying him as i had with james (my ex). for what’s mine will be mine. what’s not will not regardless of whatever account etc that i may want to hold on to.

as for james (my ex), circumstances had had him moving his things out of the house eventually sometime jul this year. this, and the final renovation of my house saw the final erasure of all physical signs of james' stay in this house. and these, in a way, also signified the final end of the chapter. other than that, things between me and him remained somewhat cold and distant. he is now attached to jack and i do hope things are well between them. my correspondences with him remained the same – smses and that he continued to reply whenever he felt like it. whatever the case, i have stopped feeling frustrated by his late or lack of responses already. to date, he continued to bring sapphie out every other month.

finance-wise, this year was terrible. the financial tsunami saw my investments being depleted by more than half. then again, i shall not be too upset by it. yes, it certainly caused a big strain in my ability and buffer to manage my immediate housing and car loans when i leave service. but i should be able to tighten my belt and hold onto whatever i have at least for the next year or so. hopefully by then, things will get better…

conclusion
as i conclude this year’s reflection, i would say 2008 had been a defining year for me. as mentioned previously in my last year's reflection, 2008 was predicted to be a challenging one for me in many aspects. and it certainly was, especially on the family and finance front. the countdown would start in less than 8hrs’ time. have called su how to tell him i will be cooking dinner. western, fish and chips, without the chips but with lots of salad. it will be a quiet dinner, one that is most appropriate to sent off 2008. every signs point to a better year ahead for me and i certainly look forward to it.

gladly, i bid 2008 adios. welcome 2009.

new handphone

just bought a new handphone. cost me s$89.90. nokia 1650.

told the guy i need something simple with no frills and no no no camera...

he showed me 3 different models and described the features to me. nokia 1650 was my immediate choice because amongst the 3, this one has the radio function.

just what i needed to motivate me during my runs! hurray!

:-)

handphone free

left my handphone in kl. only realized it on my way back. so as a result, i have lost all my contacts. but looking on the bright side, my handphone has been behaving somewhat cranky and has been `hanging' on me for quite some time already. so, i have all the valid reasons now to buy a new handphone! hurray!

and of course, my life these two days have been very peaceful. no smses, no calls, no worries! heh heh!

:-)

kl & melaka

spend 2 days at kl and melaka. did nothing except indulging ourselves in the little enjoyments of life. and yes, there was one main highlight - fish spa. really interesting to let the fishes chew on the dead skin of our tired and sore feet... three of us were like little boys - giggling our heads off as the doctor fishes (garra rufa) crowd around our feet and feasted on our dead skin. we were saying that the shop should actually pay us for feeding their fishes instead! heh heh... other than that, it was shopping & eating, shopping & eating, shopping & eating, more shopping & eating. 'twas the same in kl. 'twas the same in melaka... so, there is really nothing much to write about...

:-)

cameron highlands 2

events and things that contributed to our experience in cameron highlands - greeneries, wild dogs, wild chicken (cock), winding roads, tree ferns, rubbish, bad roads in need to repairs, overcrowding, traffic jams, ambulances, equatorial cameron, musky smelling apartment, twin sofa bed with no pillow and blanket, low pressure showers, stars, halal twin-flavour steamboat, lousy filipino singers at chinese restaurant, very cool and beautiful weather, bak kut teh, mee suah bak kut teh, strawberries, flowers, cactii, dried preserved fruits, tea plantations, teas and scones (but no chance to eat), water falls, kway teow soup, lamb chops, salty cream of chicken soup, chicken cutlet (but given chicken chop instead!), apple juice, more traffic jams, chicken burger, fried rice, linguine, more of the same lousy filipino singers, night market, oranges, steamed sweet potatoes, mee chien kway, chicken tandoori, plain naan, garlic naan, teh tarik, crazy reckless drivers, more winding roads, bee's rashes & itch, schneider blanking off...

cameron highlands 1

we passed the customs at about 11am and arrived there at about 6pm after driving about 450km. would have been earlier had it not been for the car-to-car jam near the summit at brinchang. the weather was really beautiful. nice and cool. initial impression once you drive up the slopes was that you are heading up somewhere nice, green and peaceful. but this impression quickly dissipated once we got closer to the top. the greenery disappeared. there were heaps of rubbish, damaged roads, houses, traffic jams, overcrowded places and so on. very disorganised. and to a small extend, rather unsettling. this was so especially in the day time when you are overwhelmed with so many things to see. those were some of the impressions i had when i visited cameron on the first day. and with this setting as the backdrop, all expectations disappeared. i just wanted to have a good dinner and rest. and yes, i was really tired by then.

we took things slow and easy on the second day. and instead of spending money on local tours, we decided to drive around the area. managed to visit the cactus valley and the boh tea plantation. for the former, it was really nice and beautiful. rows and rows of flowers, cactii, fruits and so on. hibiscus, hydrangea, azalea, heliconia, grapes, strawberries, and so on. it was such a great contrast to the rubbished filled areas. and apart from the crowd, the boh plantation was also another good experience. the climb up to the summit allowed us to see the wide spans of the plantation. very pretty. very nice. we visited the night market that night. interestingly, the whole place looked different. whatever rubbish there were, we stopped noticing them. rather, the whole mood was very celebratory, and very `kamponggy'. certainly brought back memories of the pasar malam (night markets) of my kampong (village) childhood days. you need to be in it to explain the experience. and the cool weather (i think it must have been close to 12 degrees) certainly made the whole experience a very nice one.

it was my first time to cameron highlands. my impressions of large spans of plantations of filled with colourful flowers and miles and miles of tea plantation was not to be. well, at least for the flower part. it was also interesting to note that there were lots of beautiful greeneries, waterfalls, and at times, clearings on the way up and on the way down (we took different roads). but along the crest near the top, it was full of built-up areas, traffic (human and cars) and lots of rubbish. perhaps cameron highlands, just like most other tourist attractions is also seeing the natural progression of damage due to increase human activities, commercialization and so on. sad... ah well... was an interesting trip nonetheless. on the whole, i would say cameron highlands was a pleasant experience, a very nice getaway for the weekend.

:-)

miscalculation

was supposed to meet up with schneider and lk for tea. felt a little tired and suggested meeting for dinner instead. faced with an extra couple of hours, i decided to be productive. so i painted my door for i reasoned that if i do not do it today, it would be too late cos i leave for cameron highlands tomorrow!

everything went well... the door got painted in the end. very beautiful end result i must admit. and when it's time to go for the dinner, i realized a technical problem. the paint is still wet and i cannot possibly close the door!

heh heh... so i am now technically a hostage of my own doing! have to tell them to proceed with dinner without me instead! stupid me!

:-)

f-up condo manager

my condo manager has one helluva fucked up attitude. there had been so many instances where he would behave like he owned the condo and that we residents owe him our living, the recent one being the time when i went to apply for my renovation permit.

and yesterday, he showed me his screwed up attitude again.

you see, my door was left unpainted during the refurbishment exercise. and so, being a good and responsible resident of my condo, i walked to the condo manager office over the weekend to seek his advise on the colour code of the paint that i should purchase for my door. he looked at me with a certain buay kum guan (hokkien for @#*&^*$*&!% - you get it?) attitude, took out a file and told me it's nippon linen white glossy paint with the colour code - b10b15.

so i went to the shop, asked for this colour but i was told by the shop owner that the b10b15 colour is water-based and used for walls. he told me that for doors, i should use a solvent-based paint and the colour equivalent was nippon innocence 9009. so after getting the paint, i went to the condo manager again to tell him what the shop owner had told me and with the intent of confirming that if indeed the colour match, he could take note of this input and share with other residents in my condo.

but his reaction took me by surprised! he responded like as tho i was accusing him of lying/ misleading me. he took a highly defensive position, raised his voice and questioned why i doubted his input. and then to prove his point, he turned on his computer, opened up an email, printed out an attachment and showed me the contract between the condo management and the contractor. he went on to tell me that nippon had also put their company stamp onto the contract! and to top it off, he told me that even if i doubted him, i should not have doubted my condo management as they had signed the contract!

hmmm, all these while, my only response to him was "that was what the shop owner told me." i felt his negative hostile response was totally uncalled for... for that moment, my gay-bitch persona came alive - i looked at him and said: "well, condo management may have signed, but that does not mean condo management is in the full know of nippon colour codes!" and i walked off!

i came home, wrote an email to nippon singapore to query abt the two different paints. the reply came today. accordingly, the shades are similar except that they are of a different product range. with this input, i proceeded to paint my door with innocence 9009. and oh, i did one more thing, i went to the staircase landing door (that had been painted by the contractor using linen white b10b15 i supposed) and painted a small corner to test - hmmm... as expected - the colours matched exactly!

my neighbour came along and i related this incident to her... and i got another surprised!

i think i hit the right button for my sharing started her bitching abt the condo manager for she too had her fair share of unpleasant experiences with him! and we both agreed that if he carries on like this, we should surface our complains to the management and his company and to get him removed!

it seemed like i was not the only one who had tensions with him!

:-)

condo refurbishment

there is one thing i don't understand about my condo... and that is - why do they paint almost everything they can paint as part of the whole 10-yr routine refurbishment effort, but leave residents main door exterior untouched?

strange... totally cannot understand.

sighs...

special christmas

am not christian and do not celebrate christmas per se. but since singapore is a multi-racial, multi-religion country, the christmas break is enjoyed by all regardless of race and religion. and the following are some of the reasons why this year's christmas is different, and in a big way, special to me:

• i received a card from hwee2. she's a uni classmate of mine. married to a french and migrated to france many years back. and i've just received a christmas card from her. enclosed in the card was a compilation of french songs. very nice.

• also, i received another christmas card from karsten from jb. somhow, the feeling i get when i receive cards are so different from say emails or e-cards... not so sure how to describe it. but i just feel so warm.

• for the first time, schneider, bee, my uni friends and i decided to dress up and go for a good expensive christmas dinner. altho it cost me over a thousand dollars, we certainly had a lot of fun dressing up, eating dinner at jaan on top of the raffles swissotel hotel and then exchanging presents at the hotel lounge!

• i will be going away for christmas for my short break.

nice. it's hard not to feel the chrismassy mood when there are so many things happening. especially things that makes you feel warm.

merry christmas
everyone!

r21

went for a r21-rated show earlier on and when i went to the counter to collect my tickets, the girl (fat!) looked at me, and in all seriousness, took out a sheet with paper with some printed words on it, took a pen and started circling somethings on it... and as she did it, she said: "oh, this is a r21 show. and it's very very important you know... you cannot watch the show unless you are 21 years old and above... "...

duh! excuse me?!?! thanks lor... i know i look younger than my age. thanks! but hey, the way she said it certainly didn't sound very convincing lor... it almost sounded sarcastic! (heh heh... but i am sure she wasn't la) but for that split second, i was stunt... her words just caught me offguard... and when a gay man like me got caught off guard, my bitchy self naturally took over... "erm... i am so so so over 21 lor!" i went... i was only short of completing the sentence with a "hmmph!" and a broken-wrist throw of my hand!

ha!

oh, by the way, the show i watched was "zack & miri make a porno". very hilarious! enjoyed it lots!

sunbaked freshness

been such a long time since i had dried my clothes under the hot sun! and hmmm... nothing smells better than the sunbaked freshness of the newly washed laundry!

priceless!

old lift

had dinner last friday evening with thomas, schneider, francis, and bee bee at this vegetarian restaurant. was told the vegetarian pork was very nice and decided to try given that thomas is also vegetarian. and that was the inspiration behind my postings on vegetarian pork and vegetarian pork 2.

anyway, the building that this restaurant resided in was a superbly old one and it was interesting to note that the lift still has this retro looking buttons that one has to actually press it! and in order to take the picture of it, we actually took the lift down to the ground floor, up to the fourth floor and down again!

:-)

冬至 (dōngzhì) 2

this was what i did today! i cooked tāng yuán!

the left series of pictures shows the preparation and rolling of the dough into little dough balls (tāng yuán). and the right series shows the cooking of the tāng yuán. and of cos, mum's advise always rings in my ears whenever i cook tāng yuán - once they float up onto the top, it means they are cooked... so, don't be impatient and keep stirring, wait for them to float up and you'll be able to have nice hot tāng yuán!

:-)

my neighbour's boy

this morning, as i was walking to my block from the car park, i chanced upon my neighbour's boy, benedict. he was waiting for someone... and as i was about to talk to him, i saw his dad's car driving towards us... and i asked: "oh hi, waiting for your dad is it?" to which he quickly replied: "no, no, i am waiting to collect something."... i noted some discomfort in his body language and sensed something was wrong. nonetheless, i smiled and went along. as i turned into the lift landing, his dad saw me and we waved.

waited for the lift. and as i waited, benedict and his dad exchanged some pleasantries. it sounded rather warm. the lift came a while later. by which time, benedict has already taken the stuff from his dad... and i saw the reflection of him in the marble wall walking towards the lift. so i decided to wait for him. but before he turned into the lift landing, he stopped and peeped. i believed he had noted the lift opened in the marble reflection and he waited. it was rather obvious that he was avoiding getting into the lift with me. perhaps it was cos he was afraid i would ask further about his dad.

i left him alone. it was rather sad to see him behave this way. and i noticed this behaviour ever since his dad kinda "disappeared" from the estate some months back. my own suspicions was that his parents have separated and that his dad would only occasionally dropped by to pass things to him or to bring him out.

i came home. feeling sad. much as i would like to reach out to this boy, and to give him my support, i felt it would not be right... well, at least until the parents decide to share the news of their separation with me...

sighs.

vegetarian pork 2

this is purely thinking aloud and not meant to show any disrespect to islam.

question: can muslims eat vegetarian pork?

my take is this - if we were to rationalise along the different levels as described in my previous post, my own personal take is yes if one focus purely on the physical abstenance of the meat itself. for eating vegetarian pork is nothing but eating tofu/ vegetable derivatives with seasonings that does not involve the use of any pig-derived product. but if we look at the psychological aspects of things, then the answer would be an outright no.

any views?

vegetarian pork & harmony

i've always heard people commenting - if people really wanna eat vegetarian, then why do they eat vegetarian pork? and when the discussion and debate goes into the crux of the reasons behind it, things can often get heated up. this sometimes lead to people passing uncalled for negative comments that certain religions are not consistent in their practises and so on. my take is that when one discusses issues at such a level, one may not necessary see the logic. i strongly feel that there is a need to not only discuss this issue at the activity (the practise)-level, but one must rationalise this practise within the ambit of the rationale/ intent as to why this practise came about to fully appreciate the meaning. without doing this, other issues may possibly convolute the whole discussion altogether and worst still, make the act look very hypocritical in itself! let me use the same example as above. if we were to analyse the whole rationale/ act behind the practise of eating vegetarian in the context of a buddhist, then it clears the whole issue... eg

• context - religion (buddhism)
• intent/ rationale - respect lives
• action/ non-action - abstain from killing
• options - to eat non-animal-based food/ vegetarian food
• manifestation - vegetarian pork

there are a few things one can see from the above. firstly, as we go down the levels, the number of possibilities increases. that is, things branches out exponentially as one goes lower down the levels. secondly, without understanding the rationale of things, one may possibly end up with a lot of tensions when one makes his/her options at the lower levels of options/ manifestations. it may cause a lot of internal tensions on a person that may possibly end up with a lot of very wrong and bad implications at a community/ societal-levels. for example, if we were to exist at the levels of practise for our religion and to impose on other people on our practises, then, there would be a lot of tensions. but if we were to understand the rationale behind the practises and try to understand how these are manifested in other religions, we often find that there are many similarities. and often, we find that there are more similarities than we know and from here we can celebrate our similarities, learn to respect the differences and co-exist peacefully.

what do you think?

95% done house

with my sofa and dining set finally delivered today, my house is almost done. what's left are the paintings that i need to get for the living room. here's a peek at my living room & the dining corner!

:-)

ps: the painting of the flowers has been hung for this photograph only. it has yet to be framed up!

冬至 (dōngzhì) vs yin & yang

found this very interesting website that discusses about the concepts of yin & yang and the summer/winter solstice. and for the very first time, i get to see a physical manifestation of the yin & yang cycle in the sun's movement around the earth! and it even gave an explanation on how it is derived based on the sun cycle! take a look! i'm simply blown away by the complex thoughts of the ancient chinese!

wow!

冬至 (dōngzhì) 2008

this sunday is 冬至 (dōngzhì or the winter solstice festival). i'll will be heading to the columbarium to pay respects to my dad. it will be the first 冬至 (dōngzhì) after his demise in aug and my mum has asked me to prepare tāng yuán (see picture) for him, as per what i would do every year... and i will be cooking my dad's favourite - hokkien-baba-style "tāng yuán cooked in ginger-flavoured coconut sugar soup"! and as usual, my tang yuan will come in white and pink! so exciting!

:-)

picture from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/tangyuan

furniture

my new furnitures are finally coming tomorrow!

hurray!

success story?...

will you ever claim your life is a success story?

i am asking cos recently, as i was surfing and searching the net, my curiosity about some people who had crossed my path sometime back led me to a blog. it is a blog of a friend of mine, or more correctly, the husband of a friend of mine...

and as i read, i felt rather uncomfortable. it was his tone and the words he used. you see, in the blog he shared that he had a rather unpleasant childhood. and he went on to talk about his education, how he became an engineer, got married and became a father of 2. he eventually went into teaching, and then got himself a diploma, and later a degree. now he teaches at a school... all these sounded rather `normal', but what i felt uncomfortable was his tone and how he would often refer to himself as - amongst a few other descriptors - a late bloomer, a success story... he tone also came across as rather "braggish"... and the more i read, the more uncomfortable i felt.

personally, using such words to describe oneself sounds kinda weird to me. or it is just me, for i am not very comfortable blowing my own successes (hmmm, i can't even really pinpoint what is success frankly. if it is about achievements in my education, i would rather refer to them as milestones, but i wouldn't call them my successes) publicly, much less, in my own blog.

any thoughts?

excited

had a little networking lunch with a ceo this afternoon. a meeting fixed by an ex-student of mine. he seemed keen to have me as part of his team. this kinda meeting can make one feel so much energized all of a sudden! for now, i hope to be able to find out more about the opportunities and he has asked his hr director to get in touch with me!

it's quite exciting! to my ex-student who made the link-up, he may not know it, but this is perhaps one of the best birthday present he has given to me unknowingly!

:-)

busy birthday

it's late afternoon and i am already tired... went for my physio this morning, met a ceo for a networking lunch, collected my tailored working pants from a tailor, collected my working suit and pants from another tailor, and now i am home early to bring my dog for her evening pee before heading out for dinner with boon and family... pant pant pant...

and it's been an interesting day. well, hate to admit this, but somehow, it made me feel rather good with the almost consistent flow of smses, facebook wall, emails and even an e-birthday card wishing me happy birthday. started since last nite... bee bee, willie (yes, the willie), roger aka ah girl, bryan, & derek my buddies-at-arms, charles my ex-student, james my ex, ps the tiger, kok, lay pheng & justin aka germs my classmates, guan my good friend, collin, kenerf, weetz & colin, sha sha, stanley aka scern, aziz, amos aka philip, cookiben aka cookie monster, edwin, damien, schneider, francis aka ryan, thomas aka the train, kev aka pencilcase, mei yee, joe chin, gilbert & lawrence my colleagues, pratima & frederick my nie classmates, ice cream james, charmaine, ep aka zeph chukz, kl & dan aka wonder woman, wmc, dennis the slut, dorine my insurance agent, my cousin & his partner, my 2nd sister and so on. even on fridae - people whom i don't even know! thank you thank you all so much... your wishes made me feel so warm :-)

and the most significant of all was the call i got early this morning. it was from my mum. my phone was on silent and i only noted the flashing of the light... there was already 4 missed call and when i answered, she wished me happy birthday! so nice! such a nice way to wake up in the morning!

:-)

bd eve

two more hours and i turn 42. bds are no longer any big deal to me. not even significant. think it's an age thing. anyway, just had a simple chicken rice dinner with bee. and i think i'll sleep early tonite. gonna be a long day tomorrow... morning physio, working/ networking lunch, collection of working suits from a tailor, collection of working pants from another tailor, dinner with boon and family...

sighs... just listing them out is enough to make me tired...

yawns...

car servicing

finally completed my car servicing. and as usual, the service attendant would exclaimed that my mileage is "wah! so high"... and of cos, i will routinely go "oh, i live in changi and work in tuas". sighs... sometimes, i find that i can repeat some things over and over again to different people. life can sometime be so bloody routine isn't it?
with the servicing finally done, i am ready to do my long drive to cameron highlands with my bee and schneider next week! oh, i think i better check with schneider on the hotel booking... he called and told me the hotels have all been fully booked!

:-)

renovation completed

my contractor called me up and tell me he'll collect the remaining payment tomorrow... and thinking it's saturday, i told him to come after 10am cos i'll be going marketing... hahaha! such a boo-boo for me! anyway, will leave it as it is, think bee bee can pass him the cheque in my absence. for a while, i forgot i have made a car servicing appointment at the kia servicing center at 7.30am!
anyway, the whole renovation works had finally completed. been an eventful week! from applying permit, clearing and varnishing the rooms, to painting the whole house and polishing the marble flooring, it's been one good (and very tiring) experience after another! of course apart from having interesting contractors and listening to their rantings, this whole process also gave me time to reflect on the years i'd stayed in this house, the time spent here and the different people (and even my dog) that have stayed; and the few that have left. and with each improvement done, physical traces left behind by these residents were slowly and surely removed. but what will forever be remembered are the fond memories of them... james, my mum, my dad, sapphie... and for that matter even bee bee - for he played a key role in this house renovation!

the result of this whole effort is something that looks almost brand new. and yes, it also tells me that it is time to look forward and charge ahead again!

:-)

polished!

today is the last day of my renovation and it's floor polishing day! after 5hours of wet grinding, the floor looked so so so beautiful! i even felt guilty stepping on it! and well, sapphie had her issues too! she tried walking around the newly polished floor and slipped a couple of times! so funny! interestingly, while the treatment and varnishing rooms saw the removal of marks created by james and my parents, the key thing that was removed as a result of the floor polishing was scratches as well as the patches of vomit/ pee stains left by sapphie over the years! these were stains that i have so so resigned myself to following sapphie's entry into the family in 2000.

anyway, i am so glad the whole renovation works was so smooth and the results is just fantastic! the floor now looks and feels like when i first took over the house in 1998!

:-)

death n accident

within an hour, two unfortunate incidents happened...

• i received an sms from one of my ex-student telling me that another ex-student from his cohort has just died. rather sad to receive such a message cos i had known this person and he is still so young. i found out subsequently that he was diagnosed with advanced stage cancer a couple of months back and passed away this evening. sighs. may he rest in peace.

that sms reached me just as i was about to sent bee bee home. and on my way home...

• as i was about to turn into the road leading to my condo from the main road, i noted 3 overturned bicycles in the middle of the road. by the side of one of the bicycles, a guy was kneeling and holding onto a girl. another guy was standing a couple of meters away trying to signal traffic away. i immediately made my turn, stopped my car by the road, and rushed to the girl. she was semi-conscious. her face was pale and her eyes were half-opened. there was a lot of blood on her neck. the guy seemed to be in a state of shock and didn't know what to do. the other guy was frantically trying to describe his location to someone. together with the guy, we carried the girl to the side of the road. once done, i removed all the bicycles to the pavement. as it was drizzling, i took out an umbrella from my car and passed it to the guy supporting the girl. i lifted her hair and noted that her ear-ring had broken off and that the blood had flowed from around that region. spoke to the girl and by the time, she was able to talk. this gave me the assurance that she was ok, at least for the moment. after confirming with the guy (on the phone) that he had called the ambulance, i decided to leave them there. the hospital is 5 minutes away and the ambulance should arrive in less than 5 minutes (judging from my experience with my dad). think the girl should be fine.

eventful last 2-hr of the evening.

responsible posting

once every so often, i would go into blowing wind gay forum to follow the threads. and often, i would read rather rude comments and postings that sometimes make me wonder why there are such people around, for what purpose do they make such postings and what they hope to achieve with it. personally for me, i would want to call myself a responsible person as far as posting my comments are concerned. i do acknowledge that at times, i do get angry and agitated. during such occasions, i would take a deep breathe, count to 10, re-read my posting before i click "post". anyway, someone just challenged me to apologize to another person for misquoting him in the blowing wind gay forum... read on.

recent days, i started following the serial "little nonya". and being half baba (peranakan), i was able to identify with the culture and the scenes i see in the serial. and so, when someone started a thread called "little nonya" in blowing wind gay forum, i immediately clicked to read the discussions... i felt uncomfortable by a guy called "naughty historian" (more accurately, i was rather disgusted) who posted quite a bit rather hostile sounding things about babas and nonyas. he even referred to peranakans as "chap cheng" (hokkien for bastard). and i could see a couple of persons who felt offended by his comments. and, as a proud half-baba, i also responded and tried to correct his facts - point by point.

today, when i revisited the forum, someone had made a posting and pointed out that i had misread "naughty historian"'s post. this person sounded angry and went on to say that if i were gentleman enough, i should apologize to "naughty historian". he sounded rather hostile i must say (this was his posting). well, i went back to my post to verify his statement and true enough, i had missed out one word "non". i decided that i should withdrew my comments but to ensure the thread is coherent, i could not delete away my post, so i added an afternote against my post stating my regrets for misreading "naughty historian"'s post.

nonetheless, i did not think i need to apologize for i had not sounded offensive. if anything, i thought "naughty historian" should apologize instead. anyway, i made my point and suggested for him to do so (my reply). let's see if he apologize. the ball is in his court.

that's what i call "responsible posting".

ps: i suspect the person who responded today is naughty historian himself! :-)

facial wash

my mouth tastes of facial wash now!!!

woke up earlier, was talking to bee and without realizing it, squeezed my facial wash onto my toothbrush!

stupid me!

hahaha!

:-)

my estate

found this very interesting site that is similar to google earth except that it captures a lot a lot more details about buildings and places in singapore and malaysia! i was even able to find my own estate here! take a look! the location of the cross marks the location of my unit in that block! and oh, i have also hyperlinked the picture to the site so you can navigate around by yourself! enjoy!

rantings of contractors

not that i am eavesdropping, but it was simply impossible not to catch some of the conversations of the two contractors painting my house. spoken in singaporean hokkien (which is basically hokkien with a splatter of malay terms), they generally revolved around money issues. the following is a snippet of it:

painter a (half shouting): sin kah poh boh lui mana eh sai! (singapore no money how to survive!)

painter b: hhhaaiyah... part kok boh lui eh sai! sin kah poh boh lui, si mi ma si beh sai! (in other countries, no money can still survive, in singapore, with no money, everything also cannot!)

painter a: aiyahhhhh... sin kah poh boh lui ai chua bor ma si kang kor! (in singapore, without cash it is difficult even to get a wife!)

and they went on and on and on about money, or rather, the lack of it and the cost of living in singapore, about bringing up their children, about their lives... at times, it got so heated up, they sounded like they were fighting! but of course, i know they were not. it's almost like two brother talking and bitching on and on and on.

one thing struck me as i listened to their conversation - the topics and the content of their conversation revolved around very mundane issues. very bread and butter. and it also struck me how they have been caught in a very tight system yet able to accept and make the best out of it. rather naturally, i was able to make quick comparisons between their lives and mine and it made me realize how luxurious (comparitively) i have been living my life for the past years! guessed perhaps i've been caught in life's materials that i often fail to see and appreciate the fact that there are many people who could barely/ just makes ends meet or are living simpler lives. and often, i would bitch about how little i have, worrying about unnecessary issues - while many people out there could not even experience the kind of life i currently have.

contractors

the two contractors that came to treat and varnish my parquet floor were from malaysia. it was so obvious from their malaysia-accented mandarin. and it was awkward for me when they addressed me as "wu1-zhu3" (owner of the house). and after the 1-day experience with the varnishing work, it came as no surprise to note that they also look like inhalant addicts - very thin (almost anorexic), very pale, long ruffled hair... frankly, i felt rather uncomfortable to have them walk in and out of the house. they looked like they could hold me hostage anytime! luckily i had sapphie my dog with me... erm... not that she could do anything la! haha!

as for the two guys painting the house, they were obviously singaporeans. both looked very beng but very very nice chatty people. physically, one of them was very jock. 45yrs old and had tinted hair. the other one was more uncle-like, also in his 40s. both spoke with me in mandarin and hokkien. and one thing very singaporean came out - our common national service (ns) background. it was interesting how we clicked once we spoke of ns. they would go on and on about how they were considered hokkien peng (slang for "soldiers with little/ no formal education. usually perceived as uncouth in their behaviour") and the difficult times they went through during their ns days! guess this is something that binds all singaporeans regardless of social status. and of cos, one thing they said that made them my friend instantly - "oh, you looked so young, no more than 35 yrs old"... heh heh... of cos i quickly added - "constant exercise certainly does wonders" - to which they quickly agreed! damned it! saying the right words to me (at anytime) will make you my friend instantly! (i am such a slut! ha ha!) of cos, when i related this to my bee bee, his eyes rolled so hard it almost dropped off his eye socket! well.. for the record, both of them are straight. the jock one was beaming with pride when he spoke of his 6-month old daughter and he went on and on about how cute she was...

oh, even as i type this post, the two of them are chatting about life and their friends. and typical of two bengs chatting, they sound like they are fighting. all the expletives, all the crude-sounding hokkien terms... well, crude, yet in a way, endearing... very hokkien, very singaporean. very kah-kee lang (of the same kind/ of the same clan).

heh heh...

new lights?

was thinking if i should also take the opportunity to change my house lights! since the house is also under renovation, i thought... why not? it would be a nice touch too! so exciting! think i'll go light-shopping this evening!

:-)

painting

the paint works starts today and will last till tomorrow. today, they will cover both the bedroom and the guest room. and tomorrow, they will cover the corridor, living room and the utility room.

as of now, they have painted the ceiling and applied the base coat of paint onto the walls. later this afternoon, they will paint at least two layers of paint onto the walls. i have chosen bluebell white for the room. basically it is white with a little hint of blue/green. certainly gives a breathe of freshness to the rooms. so far, with only an initial layer, it already looks gorgeous!

for the living room, i have chosen lily white for 3 of the 4 faces of the walls (right). basically it is white with a hint of yellowish earthy tones. think this colour meets the overall intent of making the living room bright yet calm. also, from my limited knowledge in feng shui, i should avoid green / blue tones as they clash with my fire elements. so an earthy tone should compliment with my fire elements very well.

for the main face, i have chose ivory (left). a shade darker than the lily white, yet not to the point as to darken the room. looking at the outcome, i could have chosen something darker. then again, it doesn't matter! what's more important is that the living room looks bright and larger!

hurray!

:-)

look at an oblique angle and you should be able to see the colour tone.

dogs

very heartwarming. and very touching. bless the dogs.

erasing marks

with the treatment, all dents, kinks, marks on the parquet floor have also been removed. some of these marks bore specific memories of my not too distant past. the removal of these marks therefore also marked the permanent removal of some of the physical traces of these memories. the following are just some of these `significant' marks

• the dents created when james (my ex) dropped his dumb-bells years ago. he used to do weights-training in the room and often, he would drop the dumb-bells onto the parquet floor thus causing a few dents here and there. and of cos i would chide him for not giving some considerations to the soft parquet flooring. sometimes, i felt he was not too bothered about the house becos he was not the owner.

• the outline of the bed and shelves in my parents room. they marked the very locations where my parents had slept and where they had fallen many a times. interestingly, the marks left behind by the leg of my dad's bed was a blur patch. this was becos my dad, being huge and fat, would drop himself and his whole weight onto the bed. and in doing so, the force created would push the bed a few inches thus creating a scratch mark on the floor. i would, however, push it back into position every so often when i clean the room. the process would be repeated again and again. in time to come, a blur patch was created.

• the qing chao you patch beside my bed. it was a mark left behind when the half-closed bottle of qing chao you dropped onto the floor without me realizing it. and over time, the ointment flowed out and scarred the floor.
  

now, the floor is totally clean and shining - just like the way it looked 12 over years ago. for tonite, i will not be able to set-up my bed as yet and will only sleep with the mattress on the floor. looking at the empty room with just a mattress, i cannot but recall the early days when amos and i would spent our weekend evenings. that was early 99 before i got to know james. those were some of my earliest memories of this place.

:-)

culling

hong kong has reported a new case of bird flu and has commenced chicken culling again. sighs... i know it's weird to a lot of people, but i always feel for the chicken when such killings occur. they are victims of the clash between human and nature. and naturally, human will again be on the upper hand. poor chickens.

sighs.

photo from http://www.channelnewsasia.com

varnished

six and a half hours into the job and the parquet floor treatment and varnishing has been completed! the whole house smells of thinner/ varnish now! if this goes on for a couple of days, i'll probably end up becoming an inhalant addict! i've also been advised not to step onto the newly varnished floor at least until 9-10pm this evening! aiyoh! but just looking at what i can see as of now, i am rather happy with the product! (my flooring has similar patterns and colour tones as shown in picture)

luckily there is a toilet in the utility room, else i would have to go to the estate swimming pool to pee!

:-)

picture from http://www.lartisandefamille.com

about 2008

i am starting to think about what adjective/ phrase i can use to describe 2008. and the following are some possibilities:

• year of renewal
• a defining year
• a tumultuous year
• a bad year
• a difficult year

am still thinking and hopefully in two weeks' time, i can find one that is appropriate when i start to pen down my annual reflections. hopefully, it can be something that can succinctly capture this year and to also allow a certain flow from previous year's descriptors (2007 - year of foundation laying, 2006 - year of recovery & growth and 2005 - a year of change). as of now, i am more inclined to use either "year of renewal" or "a difficult year". let's wait and see... will continue to think about it!

:-)

renovation starts!

hurray! my house renovation has started!

it has been less than 2 hours and the parquet flooring looks brand new! well... actually, what the guy has done was to do the treatment - and the so-called treatment was nothing but sheer grinding of the flooring to remove the old varnish and grind off the surface layer of the parquet tiles. what is left is a whole floor of brand new looking parquet! he has yet to do the areas nearer to the skirting and the skirting itself, but already the floor looks good!

looking forward to the finished product :-)

oh... the contractor manager came this morning and asked if i had applied for a renovation permit. well, i had not. and so i made my way to the condo office and was told that i needed 7-days for the permit to be approved. heh heh... told the manager i had started work on my room flooring. he has no choice but to inform me (rather unhappily) that he will try to get the permit approved in 3days and that should at least cover the grinding of my living room floor... and he went on about the need to follow condo laws and so on and so forth... anyway, i couldn't be bothered abt him... he's always been an attitude problem chap.

heh heh...

cleared room

have been spending the last couple of hours clearing my rooms of things. this is to prepare them for the treatment and polishing of the parquet flooring and repainting of the rooms. hmmm, come to think of it, actually, it is the repainting on my guest room. for my own room, it has always been white - untouched since the day i took over the house 12 yrs 3 months ago!

now, other than my computer table and my bed, both my room and my guest room have been totally cleared of stuffs. tomorrow the contractor's gonna come and do up the rooms. they will probably take 2 days for the rooms before moving on to do up the living room!

somehow, dismantling things also has a certain nostalgic/ sentimental effect on me. for example, as i dismantle the shelves on my wall, i cannot help but think of the days when i had just moved in and how i had spent my days shopping around so that i could install things myself. the shelves, the curtain railings, the curtains and so on. and to a certain extent, i was also reminded of some of the characters in my life over the last 12 years plus. also, as i clear my guest room, dismantling my parent's bed brought back memories of my dad, and my mum. apparently, due to my dad's huge size and heavy weight, the bed frame had been badly bended! it has been 4 months exactly since my dad passed away and that my mum had moved out. now, their mattresses, pillows, bolsters and blankets now carry a certain stale smell... this despite me making the effort to wash them and sun them regularly. it is so true that time really cleans away all physical traces of a person/s.

sighs.

chinese house

this evening, as i describe to lay pheng how i would be doing up my house, it struck me how i had, without planning for it, decorated my house in a rather contemporary chinese manner.

the tang period horse figurine, the crystal piglet, the buddha statuette, the chinese runner... these are things that i currently have on display in my living room. with my new chinese marble dining set coming in and if i now replace the current abstract poster on my living room with a chinese painting, it would certainly complete the whole chinese look! never really thought of it that way nor did i deliberately plan for it. but somehow, everything just fit in so nicely! it's funny how i sometimes surprise myself!

:-)

haircut

somehow long hair (ok, not that long, but to me, long enough!) makes me very irritable... and coupled with the flu-ish feeling, it can really make me crazy! so, today, i decided to go for a hair cut! and i got it cut real short! ok, not botak-short (crew-cut), but short enough such that i cannot grab it with my fingers! and hey presto! i am now feeling much better! seemed like my sickness is going and my mood is greatly greatly lifted! hurray!

:-)