the "aftermath"

the following lists some additonal thoughts/ events that happened after the funeral...

• as mentioned, we did not tell any relatives about mum's passing due to the less than healthy intra- and inter-family dynamics. i didn't even make any postings in my facebook. for that matter, i set my security settings to keep all my postings viewable only to myself. this was to ensure my cousins (who were in my friend list) were kept out of the loop too. the wake and the funeral went smoothly. but i knew i had to go into a expectations/ relationship management mode immediately after the funeral. that very evening after the funeral, i called my paternal aunt once i reached home to update her about the news. i had to do so at the earliest possible time to impress upon her my sincerity in informing her, and at the same time apologise to her for not telling her any earlier. it was my mum's wish to keep the news of her passing to only my immediate family member, i said. my aunt was not too pleased, but accepted it after i told her i needed to respect my mum's wishes. i also texted all my cousins to tell them of mum's passing and to apologise for not telling them earlier. i told them i would call them when i was more settled given that i was in no state to talk then as emotions was still very raw. i was glad they understood. with all my relatives informed, i opened up my facebook security setting again and posted mum's photo with dates "02.12.1932 - 16.11.2015" written against the photo.

• the funeral was on friday. and on saturday, larry called up and asked to meet for breakfast. he knew i had breakfast with mum on weekends and wanted to meet me. and as i made my way to the market for breakfast and to buy breakfast for the maid. it felt really different without mum and as i drove out of the house, i broke down. it took me a good 5 minutes to get myself composed as i drove. i broke down again when i reached the car park. it was really bad. as i waited for larry, my ex-neighbour called. she had seen mum's picture in my facebook the night before and wanted to talk to me. she called and asked why i didn't inform her of mum's passing. and as we spoke, she cried and as for me, i broke down again. it was so unglam for an adult man to cry in public but i couldn't control myself. my tears just flowed and i choked and could not continue the phone conversation.

• larry left after breakfast and i walked around, feeling dazed. i ended up buying all the stuffs needed for the 7th day prayer. the stuffs i bought were taoist in nature and were largely to meet my brother's requirements. in all, i bought boxes of earthly materials (paper clothes, hell monies, paper footwear, daily necessities, etc) for both mum and dad and the "standard" paraphernalia for the prayers. with all these done, i made my way home. naturally, i traced the usual path that i used to walk with mum instead of walking directly to the car park. you see, mum was wheelchair bound and thus, we had to walk the wheelchair friendly path instead of cutting across the roads directly. i started tearing again as i walked.

• felt totally lost on saturday and as i stood by my window looking out, i almost wanted to jump down. it was good that my sanity prevailed and i told myself i needed to keep myself composed. i walked away from the window after that and refrained from going near the window for the few days after that.

• it was terribly difficult to manage myself in my daily routines especially when everywhere i go to, everyone i met would ask me about mum and where was she. it was the same in the shopping centres, it was the same at the hawker centers, the wet markets, etc. and this was so because mum and i had been seen at all these places together for the past many years. and every time, i would choke when i had to tell them that mum had passed away. naturally, they would probe or expressed surprise given that they had just "recently" seen mum and that she seemed healthy and smiling happily... so i ended up having to talk about her health and how she passed away etc. so... one such person who got rather emotional was this myanmar lady fried fritters seller at the nearby shopping center. mum would eat the products from her stall very frequently and over time, she got to know us. mum visited her less than a week before her passing. she learned about mums passing from my maid (who was from myanmar too) and when she saw me, she literally stopped her business and came to talk to me. she kept saying how sad and disoriented she felt and how she lost focus in managing the store etc. i got emotional and walked away, only to return later to show her mum's funeral photos... yup, that was mum's effect on many people.

reflecting mum's passing...

the following were some additional things i want to capture. and i wanted to do so cos i realised that i cannot really remember everything that happened now. i supposed i was so overwhelmed by every thing and the highly charged events that happened almost everyday. anyway...

• at the moment of my mum's passing, i did not cry. in fact, the feeling i felt was very conflicting. on one hand, i grieved, yet on the other hand, i felt very at peace. i grieved for my mum's passing, i grieved for that fact that the woman whom i was closest to my whole live had passed on. yet i felt at peace for the fact that i had done all i could to provide for her and that she had passed on very peacefully. her last breathe looked so natural as though she heave a huge sigh of relieve as she died. and from that sense, it calmed me somewhat.

• my brother agreed with me to have a buddhist funeral for mum. but when he realised that the funeral did not include the burning of paper effigies (male & female servants), cars, houses, etc for the deceased, he became uncomfortable. how would mum live if she didn't have a house, how could she possibly be with dad and 'live' comfortably in the afterlife when she did not have all these material things, he said. well, i understood his tensions. his mental model of afterlife was one the mirrors the living. i simply told him to do as he deemed fit. after all, to me, these rituals were more for the living than the deceased. and i could understand that he was coming from a taoist angle. he only retracted all these requirements after the funeral parlour representative told him that since mum had taken refuge in buddhism, all these were not necessary. nonetheless, all these taoist-related requirements kept coming up through the course of the wake/ funeral/ cremation. i simply let him be. 随缘 (go with the flow, as long as you are happy), that was the principle i adopted throughout the time.

• both my niece and my nephew reacted differently to mum's passing. for a start, my niece is 5 years old and could comprehend what had happened. throughout the wake, she refused to take a look at mum's body. she was afraid. as for my nephew, he was 3 years old and he was still not old enough to understand what had happened. during the wake, he kept saying that "ah ma has died" and played around the coffin. yet, when i visited him after the funeral, he asked "where is ah ma, how come ah ma did not come".

• i was touched by the many friends, colleagues, etc that came down for the wake. these included my ex-ceo. he was someone whom i had never had the chance to talk personally when he was the ceo. i was deeply touched he made the effort to come down. similarly, i was also touched by the fact that my staff from my previous employment came down in droves to give me their support. added to that a few whom i did not have the chance to work with cos i left the unit not too long after they joined the team also visited. most of these staff were malay and they even send wreaths to the wake. a few of them even came down a few times and as they did, they brought more people with them. as for my personal friends, many came down despite years of not keeping in contact. quite a few of them came down on multiple nights as a show of support. i deeply appreciate by their efforts. and added to that, many continued to called and/ or texted me all the way until this week to check on me and to make sure i have been coping well. it made me feel comforted.

• the maid grieved for mum in her own ways. she was the closest mum despite having started her stint with us on shaky grounds. throughout the wake, she kept herself busy serving drinks and snacks to the guests. and often a times, she would stand by the side of mum's coffin and stared at mum's body. she stayed over at the funeral parkour on the last two nights as she could not sleep well at home. she would be reminded of mum, she said. having said that, she did not dare sleep in mum's room on saturday and sunday nights. apparently, my brother had told her my mum would return on the seventh day and this freaked her out. added to that, my second sis said my mum will tap her shoulder when she returned. she asked me to allow her to stay with her friends during that two nights and i agreed. for the record, i personally do not believe this seventh night thing. nonetheless, i felt a little uncomfortable and kept myself to my room that night.

• i cleared away mums stuffs after the funeral. i threw away all her medications, and some of the things in her handbag. i donated her wheelchair and walking sticks to the rehab center and to show my appreciation to the staff of the rehab center for the excellent care they had given during the last 3 years, i have each and every staff a small ang pow (red packet). i also made a donation to the rehab center in mum's name. i could only do all these after my brother agreed to. he had reminded me to consolidate all of mum's things so that he could keep them. and he specifically added that he would also want to keep things like mum's bus concessionary cards, her handbag, her clothing, medical appointment cards, etc etc etc. 

• i am currently observing 49 days of vegetarianism. people had said doing so would help contribute positive merits to mum (from a buddhist perspective), but to me, i simply want to observe vegetarianism as it came naturally to me. no reasons needed. only thing was that i had wanted to do so for 7 days during the wake/ funeral period. but the 49-day requirement came about as someone my brother met on the streets told him it would do mum a lot of good in her afterlife. and so, to give him closure and to appease his mind that mum would get good merits, i told him i would be observing the 49 days.

the hunger games: mockingjay part 2

i watched this on the weekend after mum's funeral.

wanted a break and at the same time, wanted to finish off this show, the second part of the finale of mockingjay. whether it is because of my mood (which was terribly low), or whether it was the show itself, i didn't know. but i found the show quite a let down. it didn't have the climax i had expected. then again, i must also admit - that i didn't really know what to expect, perhaps i had expected the end to be more dramatic. but it didn't.

still, it took my mind away from the moodiness of the moment.

day 5 - post-funeral (part 2)

with the rites completed and the coffin moved into the furnace for the cremation, the funeral ended. we were quickly ushered to the side of the prayer areas and asked to remove our mourning socks and patch. as everyone else was moved to cleanse themselves with flowered water, i was brought to the temple's administration office to complete the cremation administration. my long time friend, larry, who has attended the funeral came along. he had volunteered to chauffeur me back to the funeral parlour after all the paperwork. i gave him a tour of the temple after that.

back at the funeral parlour, my sisters were having their lunch. i joined in as there was nothing much to be done except to wait for 2pm where mum's ashes would be ready for collection. i quietly sat at the table and ate my vegetarian noodles as my sisters chatted away. the niece that came late was quietly eating her lunch too and she left early. my brother and his family wasn't there. he had brought them and my maid to the temple instead.

i decided to head to the crematorium early. my nieces (daughters of my eldest sis) came along in my car and i had the chance to catch up with them. it had been many years since i last spoke with them, given my eldest sis's refusal to talk to me after my dad passed away. one thing positive that came out of mum's funeral was that my eldest sis started talking to me. it was weird cos after all these years of not talking, suddenly she did so and even made ginseng tea for me. so... anyway, as we arrived early at the crematorium, i brought out my macbook and showed my nieces all the pictures of mum that i took over the years. soon, the columbarium rep came and at about 2pm, we were ushered into the ash collection room to collect mum's ashes. 

in the room, we were asked to stand around a metal table before a plastic container containing the ashes was brought into the room. the temple assistant started to pick out some of the bigger pieces that he identified were those belong to her legs and displayed them to us. the urn was brought in and i had to place 8 coins inside the urn before everyone of us picked a piece of mum's bone and place it inside the urn. the bones belonging to the leg went in first. when each of us had completed placing a piece of the bone, the temple assistant took over and pour all the remaining content into the urn. he had to use a stick to crush the bone to compact them before placing the skull bones on top of the urn. once done, a piece of yellow cloth inscribed with buddhist scriptures was placed on top and the urn was closed. a piece of red cloth was then used to wrap the urn. a joss stick was then lighted and i was made to call out to mum (the urn) to tell her that we would be bringing her to the final resting place at the choa chu kang columbarium.

it rained badly as we made our way to the columbarium. we arrived at about 3.30pm. the monk and the contractor was there waiting for us. once i verified dad's niche, we were told to look away as the contractor smashed the marble slab that bore dad's name. it took him less than 5 minutes to break open dad's niche to expose dad's urn. once done, i placed mum's urn into the niche. i had to place 4 coins for the urn to sit onto. with both urns placed nicely, a new marble slab that bore both mum and dad's names was installed before more prayers was said. the whole ceremony ended about 5pm. mum was finally laid to eternal rest.

i was totally exhausted by the end of the day. 

i slept relatively well that night.

day 5 - the funeral (part 1)

mum had passed away 5 days before. this was the day of the funeral - 20 nov 2015. the day before, i had texted everyone about the time to arrive and i mentioned specifically that all should arrive at about 8.45am. i added that the prayers would be about 10am and the cortege would leave at about 11am. the cremation timing would be at 12noon and we must arrive at the temple's crematorium about 11.15am. with everything co-ordinated, we closed the final day of the wake.

i left sapphie at home that day. and for the last time that morning, i dropped by the ang mo kio ave 6 hawker center to purchase vegetarian food offerings and made sure everything was properly set up by 8am. it was a flurry of activities as i needed to get all the things packed up for we would leave for the temple immediately after the prayers and there would not be any time to do any packing. at the same time, there was a need to organise and group the things into those that was needed at the temple (the drinks, the packets of oranges, the ang pows), things that was needed for the ash collection, things needed at the columbarium, etc etc etc... i had to also settle the payments for the funeral parlour services, ensure the correct ang pows (red packets) were given to the correct people. as i did all these, my eldest sis and her family (including her 2 daughters and son-in-law) arrived. as for my second sis, she texted me - i will be late, i needed to sleep a bit more as i had just taken medicine and was feeling groggy. i didn't bother to reply. i was unhappy with her response for i had expected her to know the importance of that day and to plan her time and energies around the funeral. nonetheless, i was told myself that yet again she has pulled such a stunt, something she had consistently done all these years. let her manage her own time, i told myself. anyway, none of her daughters visited the wake and i didn't expect them to attend the funeral.

as we were doing all these things, the pall bearers started arriving and began preparing the coffin for the final journey. they began to dismantle the wreaths and clip all the flowers from the wreaths (that were send over the last couple of days) and placed them over the coffin. i joined in to do the same and some of my family members began to take the cue and joined in. soon, the coffin was very prettily lined with roses, chrysanthemums of various shades, and gerberas. mum loved flowers when she was alive and i was sure she would be very happy with all these flowers used to beautify her coffin. by the time everything was settled, it was about 9.30am. and as we did all the packing and flower arrangements, the monk who was to preside over the funeral service arrived. and after preparing all his things, he signalled to us to assemble, take our places and to start the final rites. it was then that my second sis arrived.

after briefing us about his cues (to walk, to bow, to stand still, etc), the final rites began. the thing about such rites was that the stillness and the time available made us focus our thoughts towards the deceased. in my case, my gaze naturally went towards my mum. the thoughts about no longer being able to see her physically, her body being engulfed in flames, etc made me choke with tears. i had to time and again direct my thoughts away and to focus on her happy times. celebrate her life, i reminded myself. and with this, i found myself oscillating between choking and half smiling as the monk chanted. we were made to bow a couple of times and soon, the monk led us round the coffin. i carried my nephew as we walked 3 times round the coffin and with each round, the thought of the coffin being closed and of me not being able to see my mum's physical self became more real. i broke down as i walked.

with the chants completed, the funeral co-ordinator asked us to walk towards the coffin to bid our final farewell. everyone broke down as we walked passed the coffin. i didn't look too long. i kept reminding myself that the body was no more than a shell and that mum was at a better place already. i kept reminding myself that i should let go of the body and not be too attached to the physical body. it was an internal struggle for me but i walked on after 2 seconds of gaze. after the last person walked passed the coffin, we were all asked to look away as the funeral co-ordinator closed the coffin. we will never be able to see mum anymore. once done, the funeral co-ordinator asked to confirm if we were ready to leave. it was then that my second sis said her husband and daughter has not arrived.

it was not something i had expected and i was not happy. i kept quiet and everyone was taken aback too. sensing a rising tension, the funeral co-ordinator said we had some time and could afford to wait. we stood around as we waited. my second sis said her husband and daughter were on their way as we waited. after some 10 minutes (that seemed forever), i asked her if they were anywhere near. they are on their way, she repeated. i was a little flustered when i asked her if she could verify what on their way meant. they could be on their way near the parlour, on their way along the expressway, on their way near their home, etc. i did not raise my voice, but i was sure my words showed my displeasure for she called her husband again to verify. he was still on the expressway. and as for her daughter, she was coming from school and similarly, was still on the expressway. from the expressway to the funeral parlour, it would be easily another 10-15 minutes at best. i decided not to wait for them further and asked her to tell them to proceed straight to the crematorium. i don't think it was appropriate for the dead to wait for the living. what more when i had made it very explicit that all should be there by 8.45am. and it was already 11.15am, god damn it! if anything, this was the most disrespectful thing anyone could accord to my mum. i told the funeral co-ordinator to proceed. i couldn't be bothered about what everyone else, including my neighbour and my long time friend who were at the wake, thought. 

amidst all the unsaid tensions, the funeral co-ordinator assembled everyone again and prepared us for the coffin to be loaded onto the van. we were all asked to line the side of the prayer area, clasped our hands as the coffin was carried and placed into the van by the pall bearers. once done, i was tasked to "invite" mum to proceed with the journey. mum was represented symbolically by the joss stick urn. and as i carried the urn, i had to call out to her to inform her that we were leaving the parlour to the temple. and as i placed the urn onto the vehicle seat, i had to ask her to board the vehicle. with the urn firmly placed onto the seat, everyone was asked to assemble at the back of the vehicle and to place our palms onto the back of the vehicle. i stood in the center and my siblings on my side. once done, the funeral procession started. as we lightly push the vehicle. the buddhist chant recording blasted and we started walking behind the slow moving vehicle. this final walk was an emotional one. everyone teared as we stepped onto the hot tarmac of the car park. we walked until the main road before i was asked to board the van. i placed mum's urn on my lap as everyone else were asked to board the bus that i had hired for the funeral and we were on our way to the crematorium. the journey was a slow one with the van moving at a speed of about 20-30km/hr. the crematorium was in the temple next to the parlour and we arrived there some 15 minutes later. 

everything had been prepared when we arrived at the temple. the vegetarian offerings were nicely placed onto the prayer table. and efficiently, the pall bearers unloaded the coffin onto a coffin mover and had it loaded onto a conveyor table (that would convey the coffin into the furnace). we assembled in front of the prayer table and once again, the funeral co-ordinator asked if everyone had arrived. i noted that my brother-in-law and my niece had not and asked for some time to wait for their arrival. it was some 10minutes later before i saw my brother-in-law. and once again, i asked my second sis to verify where her daughter was. she was still on the way, the reply came. we waited for another 5 minutes before i asked again if she was arriving anytime soon. my second sis was clearly pissed off by then. whether she was pissed off with me or her daughter, i didn't care. she had no right to be pissed off with me, i thought. i decided not to wait further. proceed, i told the funeral co-ordinator. are you sure? he said, we could wait a while more if you need to. no, proceed, i said. being late for your own grandma's funeral was the highest disrespect and i had no patience for such disrespectful behaviour. 

and with my direction, the funeral co-ordinator assembled everyone for the final prayers. the temple monks were invited to preside over the cremation. the prayers made and once again, we were asked to walk 3 times around the prayer area. i was asked to walk towards the coffin and to symbolically push the coffin into the furnace as i asked mum to be on her way peacefully. i choked as i did that. once done, i rejoined my family and the furnace door opened. the coffin was finally conveyed into the furnace.

these were what i could recollect of the funeral. i must add that i couldn't really recall some specifics of what happened that day, e.g. whether the waiting occurred before the coffin was loaded onto the van or before that. everything that occurred was a blur to me today. it was too intense for me to have to manage the needful yet had to manage the human aspects of things. 

day 4 - the final night

day 4 was the eve of the funeral and the highlight of this day was the conduct of the final nite prayers. otherwise, it was no different from the previous 2 days. people continued to visit to pay their last respects. i was exhausted by this day but thankfully, there were a lot less people. but as i mentioned, i was in my mechanical mode, i simply moved about like a robot. 

as in the previous days, i told my sisters that there was no need for them to be at the wake early as there was nothing much to do and that they could come down in the afternoon. as for my brother and his family, since they stayed over at the funeral parlour, they took the opportunity to head back home to do whatever they needed to do (rest, refresh, clean up, etc). and thus, most of the day, i was alone at the wake. i could also see that sapphie was totally exhausted by this day. she was at the wake daily and had stayed awake and active when people visited. by day 4, she was lethargic and simply laid on the floor throughout the day. i supposed it was not normal for her to be busy in the day time, considering she had always lazed and slept at home when i was at work, or when mum went to the rehab center.

i was kept busy by the additional requirement to prepare the stuffs for the funeral - prepare tissue papers, prepare the red packets, cut the red strings, buy loose flowers, arrange for oranges, etc. lots of stuff to do and to prepare. thankfully, my family members helped out and by the time all these things were done, it was already about 6pm. as i had to also balance these requirements with the need to attend to guests, i almost forgot to make the evening prayers. it was about 5.56pm before it hit me that i had not done so and i needed to do it before 6pm! heh. similar to both previous nites, we ended at 11-plus pm. a couple of my closest friends dropped by on all the days and kept me busy when they see me alone. i was glad of their presence and the support they gave me during this period. 

as for bee, he left for bangkok that afternoon. i was very unhappy about it when he told me about this plan on day 2, but i didn't want to say anything. if you have decided, what more can i say right? i thought. i was upset with him to abandoning me when i was at my lowest. if you have the heart and the concern, you would not even want to consider heading off overseas, regardless of reasons, i thought. and for the longest moment, i compared his response to my mum's demise to how i helped him out during his dad's wake/ funeral. and when i thought about things that way, i felt so lousy. but i had to time and again, reminded myself not to compare. but his not showing any concern by not even asking about my well-being throughout this period, even until today, continued to haunt me. but that was a separate issue altogether.

ok, i have digressed somewhat. as mentioned, this was the eve of the funeral and the main focus on this day was the conduct of the final prayers. 3 monks arrived by late afternoon and i went through with the lead monk details of the family, the names, etc. so that he could include their names when he say the prayers. interestingly, this monk was chinese educated and had so much problems with the english names of many of my family members. in the end, i had to give him all our names in chinese as far as i could. and as for my brother-in-law's name (where there was no chinese translation), i had to teach him how to pronounce the name. admittedly, when he was reciting our names during the prayer, i had to control myself from giggling. certainly not very nice to break into giggles during such a solemn and sombre session. the prayers finished close to 10pm.

day 4 ended rather uneventfully. i told myself i needed to rest before the funeral. i managed to catch 2-3 hours sleep that night.

day 3 - colleagues, friends & more friends...

by day 3, the requirement to set up the place in the mornings and evenings had become routine. 

people continued to stream to the wake from before lunch and lasted till 11-plus pm. and i was kept busy most of the time as most of the guests were my friends and colleagues. james (my ex) dropped by mid-day and together with sapphie, and my nephew we took a short walk around the area towards the temple located next to the funeral parlour. it was the first time i actually spoke with him at length since we parted some 11 years ago. the conversation was cordial and warm. we spoke about his parents, his family, his sister, his nieces, etc and i asked about his partner (of 8 years). i was glad things were well between them. they now co-own and live in a place located in town. it was a short (half hour?) walk, but it was a long overdue one.

i was rather touched by the fact that a friend from shanghai asked his brother (who's living in singapore) to pay a visit to the wake and to pass me some donations (pek kim). it was really thoughtful of him. similarly, i was a little surprised when the parents of my best friend (bs, who's now residing in the states) dropped by. as there were too many people, i couldn't spend enough time talking to each of the visitor and had to move from table to table. frankly, i felt a little bad about it. but i was sure everyone understood.

well, talking about people visiting the wake, i do want to add here that we did not inform any of our relatives about mum's passing. i decided not to tell anyone about it in the interest of family harmony. i was acutely aware of the less-than-positive dynamics between different members of my family and the larger extended family (eg that my brother was not happy with many of my relatives) and i didn't want to create any opportunity for anyone to get angry or to make a din during the wake. it would be disastrous to have strained family ties after the wake/ funeral. and this, i felt, was in line with what mum wanted as she maintained that family harmony must come first. it was precisely because of this that i refused to give in to my second sis's request to inform one particular cousin. i was unhappy that she brought this up, knowing jolly well of the family dynamics, but i held my position. she was pretty unhappy with me for that and argued that this particular cousin had frequently visited mum and we should think about him. while i understood where she was coming from, i placed family harmony on a higher priority. i maintained my stand. you can have your say, but i will make the final decision. and my decision is based on mum's wishes. i have spend enough time with mum to know her wishes and i will decide. if there are any consequences, i'll answer for it. period. 

the third day ended close to midnight for me... i was exhausted by the end of the day. my brother and his family decided to stay overnight at the funeral parlour for that night (and the next). similarly, my maid chose to stay over too given that she couldn't sleep at home as she would be reminded of mum throughout the night.

and so, that night was the first night in many years where i was alone at home.

it felt weird. but i reminded myself that i have to get use to it.

day 2 - the wake starts

that night, i had to ensure i prepared all the stuff needed for her before i could sleep. had to look for her photo, her dentures, a few set of clothes, her prayer beads, etc... and i selected a pair of very nice sandals, sarong, and blouse for her. apart from the sarong, the rest were selected by her when i brought her out shopping. we got the blouse from marks and spencer and the sandals from chinatown point. and to top it off, i brought along a pair of very nice ear rings. sapphire blue and surrounded by diamonds (costume jewellery, of cos). she'd look very beautiful in these, i thought. 

for chinese, a typical wake would last 3, 5 or 7 days. i decided that mum's wake would last 5 days. the day of the passing was considered day 1 and since she passed away in the evening, technically, one day had already passed. this meant the actual wake would only last 3 days (excluding the day of the funeral). this arrangement worked for me simply because it would allowed me to balance the time for a proper funeral and the time for people we know to visit.

day 2 started early for us. i barely slept the night before, i was exhausted, but i couldn't sleep. tossed and turned through the night and at most managed to catch no more than 1.5 - 2 hours of sleep. but it didn't matter. i was in a mechanical mode and i simply operated like a robot. as briefed the night before, i met the embalmers at 8 with my brother, handed over the clothes and whatever we felt necessary to be placed in the coffin (for mum), headed to the canteen for a quick coffee as we waited for mum to be prepared. i had asked my sisters and their family to arrive by 8.45am, in time to witness the closing of the coffin.

it was about 9am when all was ready and the coffin was brought into the hall. we were all led to take a look at the body before they closed it. it was an emotional moment. i was glad mum looked good. the embalmers had done a good job. they had applied the lipstick i provided that morning and they had combed her hair nicely. thankfully, i had dyed her hair just 3 weeks back and given her a nice hair cut. mum was dressed in her black buddhist robe. the clothes i had brought along for her was not visible but it didn't matter. her body was also wrapped by a blanket with some words that looked like buddhist scriptures. and on her lips, a pearl was placed. after we said our farewells, the monk did some prayers and the coffin was closed. we stood quietly in front of the altar as the monk chanted. and as he did so, my nephew started to cry. i supposed the solemnness of the event overwhelmed him. i had to carry him to calm him down. when all the prayers was done, we were told to look away when they closed the coffin. 

more prayers were said and i was made to repeat some phrases read by the funeral co-ordinator. i had to stop a couple of time as i choked and cried. i supposed this was rather common for the funeral co-ordinator slowed down and gave me to space to get myself composed before he continued. with the prayers completed and done, the funeral parlour representative sat me down and ran through all the things i needed to do daily - make sure you buy vegetarian food for the morning, place a cup of beverage, light the joss stick, light the oil lamp, etc... all these need to be done by 9am daily. and you can only eat after making the offerings to your mum, out of respect, he said. repeat the same in the evening. make a new set of vegetarian offerings before 6pm. etc etc etc... all these to be done by 6pm. i noted all these points down. nothing could be missed, i was reminded. and once done, we were all set for the wake proper.

as there was nothing much to be done, my sisters and their family went home to rest and my brother went off to catch up with some admin, send the maid home to wash up and to bring sapphie to the funeral parlour. and in no time, my ex-boss arrived. she dragged me out for lunch and it was then that i realised i had not eaten anything for the last 24hours. i didn't feel hungry but my boss insisted i eat something. she wanted to get me away from the wake location to give me a mental break. that was indeed a good one as she chatted and got me to talk. the rest of the day was a blur. people started streaming non-stop. mostly they were my friends and colleagues. all of us were kept busy. and of cos, sapphie too was kept busy as she enjoyed the company of so many people. the last guest left close to 11.30pm before we closed the parlour.

once home, i had to do the accounting, wash up, etc... and by the time i was ready to sleep, it was close to 1am. i felt totally drained by then. and once again, i couldn't sleep through the night...

day 1 - when death visited us

the doctor updated us that based on the ecg results, the time of death would be recorded as 7.05pm. she then stepped aside, expressed her deepest condolences and left us to grieve. for me, after a moment, i went into my mechanical mode. much as i grief, i needed to ensure things are in order, family was prepared and that relationships were managed.

while the hospital staff were sensitive to our tender moments at the time of the passing, i was the one who's moving around ensuring things were managed well. first and foremost was to provide the space for everyone to grieve. i walked aside to allow my brother and his family, and the neighbour to bid their farewells. i made my way to the nurse to get them to prepare the death documentation so that i could head to the administration to get the official certificate. once done, i called the funeral to arrange for the funeral. they would send a co-ordinator to meet me at the hospital soonest, the staff said.

with all these needful done, i could only wait. and as i waited, my sisters arrived. i had brought my brother's family away to the rest area as i didn't want the kids to get traumatised/ afraid. for my eldest sis, she came, went to the bedside and cried quietly. as for my second sis (frankly, i could not recall which one arrived first), lo and behold, she wailed and cried and created quite a bit of commotion. i admitted that inwardly, i was a little sceptical about her strong reactions, considering she had full of excuses whenever i asked her to visit mum or to talk to her on the phone. but i decided to let it be. these are for her to manage and not for me to decide. i wondered for the moment if her strong reactions was a result of guilt. then again, i refrained from saying anything. everyone had to have their own closure and the least i could do was to keep quiet.

much as i myself was grieving, i avoided getting too near the bed. i didn't want to add to the commotion created by my second sis. while my nephew was too little to comprehend what had just happened, my niece was clearly uncomfortable. i used the opportunity to educate her about death and explained to her about life. death is a natural occurrence when a person gets old, and much as we celebrate birth, we must also accept death when it happens. i told her. she listened and nodded her head as i explained. and i repeated it again to make sure she understood and that my explanation made sense.

once the documents were done, i left the ward and headed to the accident & emergency department to register the death. the process was smooth and very sensitively handled. it didn't take too long but to me, i was in a state of daze and i teared occasionally as i waited. thankfully, having managed dad's demise, i knew what to expect. the doctor had indicated the cause of death as "pneumonia", something that i knew didn't reflect the whole picture but it didn't matter to me. with the death certificate issued, the admin staff returned my mum's identity card to me. a hole had been punched on the card, indicating that card had expired. with a heavy heart, i took the documents and headed back to the ward.

there was nothing much we could do at the ward except to wait for the funeral parlour representatives. as we waited, my nieces started to arrive, one by one. my nieces were never close to my mum in the first place and their presence was more out of courtesy than a need, i thought. then again, i refrained from making my thoughts explicit and gave each of them the space to do what they needed to do (grieve?). they took a quick look at mum and walked away to chat amongst themselves. as for mum's body, i had told the nurse i didn't want to put the body at the mortuary and so, as in my dad, they arranged for mum to be placed in the "last office" - a temporary room for dead patients before the body is removed. 

before they moved mum's body from her ward bed to the last office, the nurses drew the curtains of every single bed in the ward. the whole scene was rather surreal. the whole ward looked cold and quiet, very solemn. as it was visitation hour, there were many visitors but all kept quiet and stayed by the bed of the patients. i supposed it was the hospitals' practice so that the dead body is kept out of sight from existing patients and their guests. everyone in the family had their fair share of private times in the last office with mum. and as to be expected, it was an emotional moment for some of my family members, especially my brother. he stood by the bed and kept talking to my mum, urging her to go in peace as he reflected about her life to my neighbour who stood by quietly.

i didn't want to go near the body. much as i grief, i reminded myself that i needed to keep in control to manage the post-life affairs. i also wanted to minimise opportunities where i might lose control of myself. i simply walked in an out of the last office every few minutes to take a look at the body. by then, the body had cooled down and the face had turned a tat pale. everything seemed to come to a stand still as we waited for some time before the funeral parlour representatives arrived. soon, the mortuary porter arrived with a huge coffin-shaped metallic box. mum was eventually transferred into the box and we made our way downstairs to hand the body over to the funeral parlour.

that was about slightly pass 10pm. after verifying that the body was that of my mum's, i formally took over the body from the hospital staff and handed it over to the funeral parlour undertakers. we were told to wait for the representative inside the building when they loaded the body into the van. it was taboo to watch them do so apparently. the funeral arrangements were all made outside the mortuary and by the time we left, it was close to 11pm. i started texting my closer friends about mum's demise and informed my boss about the passing. by the time i packed what i needed to pack to dress mum up and to prepare for the wake, it was closely to 1.30am. i was exhausted but i didn't sleep, i couldn't.

and she goes...

since her discharge from the hospital she'd been sleepy and groggy through the day. and at night, she'd cough non-stop through the night. i supposed that affected her rest at night and made her sleepy in the day for most of the time, she couldn't keep herself awake. this was rather unusual as i noted she was rather lively when in the ward. things did not seem right and i decided to keep her at home instead of sending her to the rehab center monday morning. took me a while to convince her to rest at home as she kept saying the rehab center manager will be unhappy if she didn't attend the activities. after some coaxing, she agreed to rest at home and i bade her farewell when i left for work. i promised to return home with lunch as she bade me goodbye sleepily.

was at work and conducting a briefing when i noted 3 missed calls at 1015am from my mum's phone. 1010am was the last missed call. i returned the call to hear my maid panicking and telling me mum was very breathless and that she didn't know how to manage. i dropped everything and rushed home. i called the ambulance and informed my brother as i headed home. something told me it would be serious this time round.

once home, i found her sitting on the toilet floor and the maid trying hard to clean her up. she was semi-conscious and had vomited all over the toilet floor. i managed to calm the maid down and gave mum a change of clothing. as we did so, the ambulance arrived and the staff quickly evacuated her to the hospital. that was about 10.55am. she was quickly send in for resuscitation. once the ambulance arrived at the hospital. not too long later, the doctor came out and asked for some details about her medical history and the events that led to the morning. he updated me that things did not seem optimistic and that she's very ill. sensing the gravity of the situation, i told him that we would not want any invasive treatment such as intubation should her condition deteriorate. the doctor was surprised by my seemingly in-depth knowledge of the treatment options and asked if i was in the medical profession. no, i said, these are things i picked up from the years of looking after her. the doctor told me she couldn't be transferred to the usual hospital that she got her treatment as hers was a emergency case and that she's very ill. he added that blood tests showed that her kidney deteriorated significantly over the last 6 days and was functioning at 5% of a normal healthy kidney at that moment. the blood potassium was 7 times higher than normal and that he'd give her some injection to try to bring her potassium level down. i understood and asked him to do whatever he could. she needed to be warded he said and i asked that she be placed in a "c" class ward.

by then my brother had arrived. there was nothing much he could do except to wait. after updating him with the situation, he said his preference would be to put mum through dialysis. he added that his friend survived kidney failure after going through dialysis. he said he wanted mum to be able to at least survived a few more months to allow him to resign and look after her (that was his work-related plan). i felt uneasy with this input as invasive treatment was something we had agreed a couple of time previously that mum did not want to go through. but to manage him, i agreed to revisit the issue with the doctor although something in me told her she wouldn't last. nonetheless, for me, dialysis or otherwise, i still clung on to a little hope that the potassium level would drop from the injection. she was placed in the observation room as we waited for the ward to be prepared. when my mum was eventually transferred to the observation ward, he went in to see her and that, he kinda accept that there was not much we could do for her. it helped him come to terms with the finality of her life. i went in to see her after that, she could hardly manage her breathing. despite her confused state, she recognized me and told me she's feeling very breathless. i told her to rest and not to talk as it would make her more breathless. after calming her down, i told her her kidneys were damaged and that we were treating her with medicine. she simply nodded and kept still as she struggled with her breathing.

after arranging the ward and completing the admission administration, i left the maid with her and went back to office. there was nothing much i could do and i thought i might as head back to office to close whatever outstanding issues that needed my attention. i told myself i needed to be ready to drop everything and attend to the funeral if she should leave suddenly. i got at least 2 calls from the doctor through the afternoon. they kept asking if i wanted to put mum through dialysis and kept telling me that there was a chance the kidney might recover partially - 30-40% normal level, so they advised. i initially said no, but after two or three times of talking and saying that dialysis could help, i relented. ok, put her on dialysis but no further than that.

i was on my way out of office at about 5.30pm when i got a call from the senior doctor. has i spoke with him, i sensed he was concerned about my decision to put mum through dialysis. after explaining the full details to me, he acknowledged that his junior doctors should have better explained mums condition to me. he opined that there would be no benefit for her to go through dialysis. in fact, the procedure would be highly painful and traumatic for mum and it might just cause her heart to fail immediately. i agreed to retract my decision for the dialysis and let her be, that is also in line with her wishes. with this decision, the senior doctor adviced me that given her current condition, we should be mentally prepared for her to leave anytime soon.

not long later, my maid called. she sounded flustered as she said "sir, you better come, sir, ah ma very chuan (breathless)". i told her i was on my way but needed to bring the dog to pee first. i was calm, i was needed at the hospital, yet i needed to attend to my dog too. i reached the hospital at about 6.25pm to find mum barely conscious. her bed curtain was all drawn and when i saw her, she had vomit all over her clothes. the maid was trying to hold the nebulizer to her mouth and as she struggled to place the mouth piece onto my mum's mouth, her tears were flowing non-stop. i took a look at the spo2 level - 74% it registered. it's not good. with the nebulizer, it should be in the high 80s or 90s. i told the maid to remove the mouthpiece. the ventolin mix was finishing and she was still struggling to get every final drop into mum. to me, it was clear the end was near and it was futile doing all these. i went up to mum, held her hand and told her i had arrived. i am not sure if she could hear me, but she seemed a little more calm as i connected. i stroked her forehead and asked her to relax and simply held her hands. as all these happened, i noted that mum was not in the dangerously ill list,  this meant her visitors would be restricted to only 4. it's not right, she's seriously ill and they have not placed her on the dil. i got it changed immediately and after that, the nurses cleaned mum up and gave her a new set of clothing given that my family would be arriving soon. not too long after that, my brother arrived with his family and an old neighbour.

by about 6.55pm, mum was already unconscious. my brother went up to her and called her. she continued panting. it was then that he finally accepted that mum's time was near. my neighbour, who was a practicing nurse, suggested for my brother to tell mum to leave if she needed to and that she should not have any more worries. mum's panting slowed down, her face was calm and as she continued breathing. the doctor, who was doing her rounds, came up to us and explained mum's condition to us. we were looking at mum as the doctor explained. and in the midst of the explanation, mum took her last breath. her last two breath was very measured, very calm and she drifted away gently. the doctor quickly asked us to excuse her as she checked on mum. she said that mum's heart beat had stopped and that mum was not longer breathing. as a procedure and to determine the time of passing, she needed to do a final ecg.

as she did all these tests, i texted my sisters that mum had passed away.

r.i.p.

my mum passed away at 7.05pm today...

reflecting paris

terror struck paris yesterday. and it didn't feel good to read of the many lives lost. but admittedly, and on the other hand, i felt somewhat nonchalant about it. yup, its probably not right to say this, but i actually felt a little numbed by the frequent wanton killings by the terrorist. i can expect the usual condemning, outpouring of grieve, of condolences, of heightened security, etc in the days to come. and when things eventually calm down, life will go on. until... another mass killing occurs.

but for now, let's remember the victims of these attacks. that is the least we can do as individuals, given our inability to help in other ways. to me, this is not a religion-related war, no religion will accept killing of innocent lives so blatantly as what i had seen over the last few years. these are wars waged by idiots who abuse the teachings of islam for their own selfish benefits and executed by misguided individuals.

it is during times like this that bimbotic answers such as "world peace" given by contestants during miss universe pageants sound most meaningful.

sighs.

water logged

my condo manager came to the house last week and told me that the owner of the unit below mine had complained of water seepage into his unit via the ceiling. he showed me pictures of the wallpaper being warped and showed clear signs of water seeping into the walls. and so, we arranged for a contractor to take a look and to make an assessment of where the seepage is.

the contractor came yesterday and after doing some checks, concluded that the pipes leading to my bedroom toilet and possibly my guest toilets might be leaking. and to make things worst, these pipes are hidden in the walls. to correct it, i will either have to tear open the floor/ walls to trace the leakage or to do a diversion by cutting off water supply to the embedded pipes and instead install new pipes.

i opted for the latter. he will be sending me a quotation and we'll see how to move forward for this. apparently, the same exact thing happened for my kitchen sometime back and i had to spend some $3k-plus to install new pipes for my kitchen. looks like its gonna cost me a bomb again.

what to do right? the unit is already 18 years and i guess it is also time to start fixing wear and tears. 

flu

mum has 3 medical appointments next week. of these, 2 were newly arranged following her discharged from the hospital. i tried to get the hospital to collapse the appointments onto the same day but they couldn't.

while i have already made arrangements for the pre-arranged appointment, i found myself being caught in a fix for the other 2. while i could accommodate the one that falls on the friday, the other clashed with a full day training that i had to conduct. i texted my second sis for help and she replied that she's down with a cough and thus cannot assist. sighs. my first reaction was that of "sighs, again... whenever i need help, you'll have cough, or cold, or whatever. but you never seemed to fall sick when it comes to your work." i sounded a little sarcastic when i replied her that i myself had to manage mum when i am currently down with a serious bout of flu. and she replied (somewhat reluctantly) that "ok, i'll help".

not wanting to take her word, i texted my brother. he didn't reply but later the afternoon when i brought mum to his place, he said he will take leave to send her. my sis-in-law also volunteered to send my mum for the friday appointment. felt a little awkward to have to trouble her as she doesn't drive and has to take the mrt to the hospital, and to make things worst, she is from mainland china and doesn't really know how to navigate the local hospital system. 

i returned my sis's text in the evening telling her that my brother would assist. she tried calling me but i didn't want to talk to her. she texted me saying its better for her not to send mum as she's afraid she'll infect mum with her flu. well... give her the benefit of doubt. as i have always said, no expectations, no disappointment. and i say this precisely because of her consistent non-helpful replies - mostly about work, or sickness.

i take leave to bring mum for her medical appointments. and at this rate of things, my annual leave will be totally exhausted. may have to apply no-pay leave to bring mum for her medical appointments.

sighs.

in & out of hospital

mum complained of body aches on monday evening. and by tuesday morning, her condition deteriorated to the point where she couldn't really breath. she was wheezing terribly and highly confused. i had to activate an ambulance to evacuate her to the hospital.

she was warded on the spot. she was discharged on thursday night after two days of treatment with steroids and antibiotics. water overload, said the doctors. as the blood tests did not show any significant infection of her lungs, the doctors suspected it could be due to her weak heart. and she has since been scheduled for 3 appointments next week - for a review by the internal medicine consultant, a lung scan and a heart scan...

and as expected, the doctors increased her dosage of furosemide. sighs... that means, she will be constantly dehydrated again.

mc

and so this week, my flu eventually got the better of me. i was coughing violently, nose was all blocked and my throat was burning badly. the antibiotics that the doctor prescribed last week didn't help. i ended up visiting the doctor again and was given a stronger antibiotic as well as a change of my medication. to be on the safe side, the doctor also prescribed me with ventolin tablets to help me breath better...

and so, i was on mc on friday. am glad to say the new medication was quite good. things are clearing well. let's hope i am all good to go come monday. gonna be a long tedious week for me - 2 full days of training!

:-)

crowned

finally had my second crown fitted. with this crown completed, i now have 2 crowns and one implant in my mouth - and all on the left side. thing is - my right side, both the upper and lower jaw molars were the ones that got me to the dentist in the first place. and since i was there, i told the dentist about the sensitive molars on my left. and for some interesting reasons, i ended up with 2 crowns on my left side while i was asked to simply observe the right molars...

the treatment this time round was one helluva painful. for a start, i have two gigantic ulcers in my mouth and they hurt like crazy cos to treat my teeth, the dentist had to stretch my mouth open and naturally stretched the ulcer too... ouch! added to that, for some reasons, the dentist did not give me any injection but went ahead to pry off the temporary crown and started cleaning the exposed teeth before fitting it with the permanent crown. it was superbly sensitive... was totally drained when the whole procedure ended. but well, when i finally see the nice crown in place, i felt good.

and so, after one month, the treatment on my left side was finally completed. and the pain on my right side still lingers... hmmm... i shall give myself a couple of days (or perhaps a week or two), if the pain continue, i will head to the dentist again. for all i know, i might end up with 2 more crowns on my right side...

arghhh.... and it is creating a hole in my pocket!

:-)

goosebumps

caught the movie last weekend. nice brainless movie. good entertainment.

:-)

spectre

such typical james bond movie. intense, non-stop, adrenaline, engaged...

brought mum (and of cos, the maid) for the movie and they enjoyed it thoroughly.

sapphie is 15!

akashi

celebrated bee's 37th birthday at the akashi restaurant on monday.

been many years since i went there (2011) and it has not changed!

food was good. simple and freshly prepared.

very nice.

:-)

peaceful week

my boss had been on two weeks hospitalisation leave for a minor op. and it was two really good boss-less week for the whole department. everyone felt relax. work was still done without a hitch but everyone felt really good. but of cos, he had been clearing his work via his handphone and this remote way of running the department worked very well with us...

:-)

car servicing

time really passed really quickly. more than 7 months had crossed since i bought my car. and interestingly, this was probably the first time i actually did a servicing after the 6-month period cos all the time, i would have reached the mileage before the due date...

and well, as i serviced my car, i had the front two tyres replaced too. 

:-)

restful

the two days of mc was indeed restful, despite the fact that i was working throughout... heh heh...

well, as i had mentioned, i really needed the rest and i could feel the flu welling up in me. so i headed to see the doctor first thing monday morning. the doctor took a look and said i needed the rest and asked if i wanted one or two days. hmmm, what an interesting question right? of cos, i asked for two.

so my monday was half spend at the pool and half at the shopping centre, strolling and clearing my mind as i clear my work email from my iphone. and for the second day, i decided to send my car for its regular servicing. i brought my laptop along and spend the whole day doing my work as i waited for my car servicing to be done. it was indeed a really productive day. i would not have been able to complete what i did if i were at work, given the preoccupations with interacting with people and solving people's issues...

so... yeah, i was on mc technically but at work almost throughout the mc period. but yes, it was restful. and most importantly, to be able to do good work without worrying about having my boss look over me was certainly very good.

:-)

taking mc

i am taking mc tomorrow.

started coughing and throat is killing me. and i have at least 3 mouth ulcers that are growing. one created from the injections (from the dentist), and the other 2 on my tongue that simply appeared over the last couple of days.

let's hope i don't get a fever tomorrow.

doh!

i know your bf...

ok, firstly, things are not as rosy between us.

then i have a long time friend from the army who dropped a message to say, i spoke with your bf and asked him to say hi to you.

technically, there was nothing wrong with that. but when you consider you'd never introduced them to each other, you get kinda confused. in the first place, this army friend was not exactly one where i was really familiar with. and then, i have always had this tension about bee who is always secretive about who he interacts with... and then you get this message and the claim that in actual fact, he knew bee for many many years. and if it is true, why has bee not mentioned anything, and if it is not true, why is this friend making such a story.

so, i simply told my friend that unless he can confirm he knows who my bf is, i shall just ignore him and his message. and this friend refused to do so. so, i simply ignored him. simple as that.

feeling pissed off.

end of october!

am glad the longest month of the year is over. october, the month with no/ minimal public holidays, 31 days in all, and worst of all, in the middle of the financial year where everyone is kancheong (anxious) and where there are lots of stuff to handle. looking forward to deepavali and christmas!

... ooo, i love living in this multi-cultural environment. all things being equal, i get to have public holidays to rest regularly.

sick again?

i feel a bout of sickness coming.

been having terribly parched throat these couple of days, especially when i wake up in the morning. this, to me, is a clear sign of an impending flu. need to drown myself with water, herbal tea and vitamin c these few days! maybe i should take a day or two of mc to rest.

haha...

post-dental treatment thoughts

some quick thoughts about my visit to the dentist on friday...

firstly, i was reminded of how someone with stroke would feel when, after jabs of medicine for my crowning, i couldn't feel anything, taste anything, my saliva was flowing uncontrollably and i had to be extra careful not to bite myself when i ate... i was really mindful of everything i did. and admittedly, i felt fear for a short moment. fear of permanent nerve damage when the numbness didn't go off by about 8pm, 4 hours after the procedure. thankfully, it gradually wore off after that and by bedtime, my sense of touch was back to normal.

secondly, and perhaps in a rather morbid way, it occurred to me that my silver crown might be an issue next time when i die. from my experience when my dad passed on, the staff at the crematorium asked if there were any metallic parts in the body. it needed to be removed or he cannot be cremated, he said. so... damned! imagine needing to go for tooth extraction after i die... no fun! (then again no needles needed, mused dazza) lol!

i will be going back again to get the crowning completed in two weeks. as of today, the upper molar is still sensitive to cold water. but the lower tooth seemed ok. let's hope things improve over the next week or so.

:-)

rain...

heavy rain after prolonged dryness... time to check dog for ticks!

and i say this cos i have noticed sapphie scratching herself like crazy... and guess what? i found lots and lots of ticks on her! close to a hundred if my estimate is right. and worst of all, many of them were found on the edge of her nails... this is the most tender part of her body and she yelped when i pluck the ticks off one by one... poor girl. at such an advance age, she has to suffer such torture...

darn! time flies. it was just about the same time last year when i had to do the same.

!!!

50? 50!

during a casual chat with a colleague last week, the topic of age catching up with us came up. and when i told her i am 50, she said "hush! you are not even 49..." heh. i could understand her reaction cos she's a year older than me and refused to acknowledge her age. as for me, when i told her i was not bothered, and for that matter, had been telling people i am 50 since last year... she gave me that "you-must-be-crazy look". i explained that technically, using the lunar calendar, i was 49 last year and as chinese are pantang (superstitious) about -9s, i just round it up! hahha. she hissed at my response...

well, look here, fact that i have accepted and embrace the big 5, turning 50 is actually a non-event for me. for that matter, age has never been an issue with me. to me, i just enjoy my age, whatever year it might be. we only live once. age is a number. at times, we may grief over the lost of youth, on from another perspective, we should celebrate experience and wisdom!

agree?

(and no, this is not a self consolidation reflection...)

crown 2

i went for my second stage dental crowning for my upper molar yesterday and at the same time, i decided to proceed with the crowning of my lower molar. it was no less traumatic and sensing i was not ready for the pains, the dentist told me he would give me additional jabs. it will help me tide over the process and for some time after that, he said. and with that said, he proceeded with the procedure. and as he had said, it was not painful. in fact, i was so numbed, i couldn't even feel whether he was doing the top molar or the bottom molar.

the whole procedure last almost an hour plus and i walked out with a nice silver crown on my upper molar. i took a look at the silver crown after the whole process and it felt kinda weird. silver is certainly more durable but it reminded me of a cina pek (old china man)! (then again, i am not that young!) haha...

will have to return in a fortnights' time to fit the crown for the lower tooth.

:-)

move or stay?

do i try to do what i love, or try to love what i do?

something that i thought about when i asked myself if i should move on to the next job. many of my friends shared that i should love what i do (without knowing the context). but while i agree with them, it would also mean not opening myself out to new learning and new experiences.

and this little question by an ex-staff was most enlightening. he asked: do you want to be comfortably unhappy, or uncomfortably happy? and reflecting on his words, being uncomfortably happy is probably the best. being uncomfortable as there are new areas to learn, but happy given the people and the environment.

and i was really happy my ex-boss (the lady) called me and gave me some advice. she's the only one whom i have shared my thoughts and she suggested that i should find out more about the company before i decide. practical advice that i already know. but to hear it from her, it gave me a lot of assurance about moving ahead.

resignation

my finance top person tendered this week. and i did a count and realised that in my current job, i've survived 4 heads of my department, 3 finance chiefs, and 2 ceos... and it's only been less than 3 years.

perhaps, it is also time for me to go.

:-)

pregnant matchstick?

waaaa sir, from the back you look young, hamsome, and thin. but when sir turn around... waaaa, stomach very big!

words of realities from my maid...

heh heh. then again, i wasn't too disturbed by her words. it is a fact. and it simply told me that i needed to watch my weight. and i must add that whenever my tummy appears, all my backaches, etc will also flare up. need to cut down my carbs and thanks to dazza's sharing - just cut down the carbs for one meal a day. thought its a very practical and easy thing to do!

:-)

packed schedules

somehow, i find my weeks zoom by superbly fast these days. and i didn't have the time to really breathe throughout the work week. it's not good right?

i need to practice more mindfulness.

the last witch hunter

movie was a tat long but it was not as gory as i had expected. nothing special about it. the usual man hunts witch, man kills witch but got cursed with immortality, man found out 800 years later that he's alive by the heart of the witch, which of cos, means the witch can be resurrected. and no prize for guessing, that was what happened and a new battle ensued. man defeated witch (again) but in the end, decide to keep the heart... good entertain for an otherwise boring weekend.

heh...

transylvania 2

truth be told, i didn't quite enjoy this movie. trying too hard. perhaps it's just me. some things we just don't try to change, like the divide between monsters and humans. the political undertones (of inclusiveness, etc) was just too strong. and frankly, i didn't find it funny.

but of cos, as in all movies, let's just take it at face value.

was an ok no-brainer break for the (last) weekend nonetheless.

:-)

reflecting, my dream

i reflected on the dream i had about someone jumping out of a building and concluded that that person was me. and i said that because all these while i was struggling with my boss at work. although he has gotten a lot less hostile to me and, for that matter, started to coach me, it still gets to me when his aggressiveness and insecurities played up. and despite this change in his general attitude towards me, i had already made up my mind about leaving, there is really no point to work for a boss that spare no second thoughts about calling me a liar and other names. 

most importantly, i do not see any prospects in the company. i am already at the top of where i can be and there is no way for me to move upwards. worst of all, and in no pretence, my ceo himself already said, when at the level where there is no further way up, the only way is out. and so... of cos, while he did not specifically target what he said at me, it was clear that he was referring to the reality that all small size companies face. with all these factors, it would be most logical for me to leave regardless of how comfortable (or not) i may be currently.

this explains the man struggling to release himself out of the building. i couldn't figure if the man was attempting suicide or escaping from danger from within the building. also, once he fell off, i really didn't know if he died. there was no body at all... here's how i interpreted it...

with all the factors, i had been constantly on the look out for a new job and despite the many interviews that i went to, things did not seemed to go well. and lately, just when i slowed down my job search, a job appeared. and after 2 interviews, the hiring manager seemed more than keen to want me join them. the decision has been made but the offer etc will only come once the management makes the final decision to move the incumbent. that will occur dec this year and that means, if things go according to the plan, i will leave my company mar 2016. now, the thing is - the job scope covers many areas that i do have have depth of experience in. and i naturally am anxious if i could manage.  i have expressed my apprehensions to the hiring manager but she assured me she would hand-hold. the pace is ok and you have 2-3 years to learn, she assured.

my fear of the unknown and my lack of experience makes me anxious. i am uncertain of the future.  what if i cannot deliver? what if i cannot fit? is this the right decision? i am not sure myself. i am scared. it is indeed a huge leap of faith. the future is unclear. this, to me, explains the lack of body in the dream... so... perhaps the best thing for me to do now is to read up, talk, ask around and prepare myself for the change. i cam perhaps only move on with the clarity that it is a journey i have to take.

"suicide"

i was in a quiet, almost dead unit and i was looking out of the window. this unit was at a relatively high floor, and if i recalled correctly, 9th floor. and opposite this unit stood another block. as i looked, i saw a pair of legs hanging outside the window of the very unit in front of me. it was dangling there and kicking into the mid air as if this person was trying to get out of the window. my immediate thought was that this person must be a little crazy. and next thing i knew i saw this person loosen himself from the window and fell downwards. 

i had just witnessed a suicide. and at that very moment, i could see the fear on the man's eyes. then again, from another angle, the man looked depressed. resigned. and perhaps relieved. relieved that he was finally free from the tensions that had gripped him up till that moment. it was amazing how small details like that got magnified and became the center of focus despite the man being quite a distance away. i didn't rush to the window but in my head, i could imagine a loud "thud" as the man hits the ground. there must have been lotsa blood and broken body pieces, i thought.

i wanted to call the police but something in me told me to just hold it there. moments later, it struck me that there was no loud "thud". i walked to the window and looked down. there was no body. there were a couple of people just walking, busy with their respective routines. and...

i woke up. 

九月初九

today is the 9th day of the 9th lunar month, supposedly the day where herbal tonics are most potent. so, have you taken your herbal tonics!? heh... for me, i simply did it the lazy way. i opened and downed a bottle of cordyceps essence.

:-)

out of trouble mask

this mask was launched in the early-2000

it is still found in the market today

amazing right?

it says a lot about its popularity 

i was introduced to it 2003

i still use it once a while today

and i absolutely love it

the experience, the smell, the cool tingling feel, and of cos

the afterglow 

nice!

my neighbour's (gay?) tenants

my neighbour rented out a room to two guys since last month and i decided two days ago to introduce myself to one of them.

you see, my neighbour had erected a partition in his living room to create a smaller walk-in one-room unit a couple of months back. he's divorced and certainly didn't need so many rooms, and by partitioning and renting out the unit, it would lessen his efforts to upkeep the whole apartment and allow him an additional source of income.

two guys moved in about a month or so back. and while they look as straight as any guy-next door, their behaviour suggest they are a couple. you see, these two guys move around and do their routines together. meals, swims, exercises, etc. also, i think one of them only stay over on specific days of the week and does not live here. then again, whether they are a couple or not didn't matter. what's important is that they have moved in and i have new neighbours. so... despite seeing them move in and out of their unit regularly, we had never talked. to me, it was weird. its not natural for neighbours to not know each other. 

i decided to take the initiative two days ago. one of them had returned home and i walked out of my unit and introduced myself to him. apart from welcoming him, i also told him that he should not hesitate to knock on my door if he needs any help in future. he was kinda caught off-guard by my introduction. and to my surprise, he came over to my unit a few minutes later and gave me some chocolates and snacks, explaining that he had just returned from overseas...

well, that's a good start. building good relationships with neighbours are important. as the chinese saying go - a relative living far away cannot be compared to a nearby neighbour (远亲不如近邻）. you never know when you'll need their help. right?

:-)

crowning

had some time to spare after my ultra-sound treatment for my feet and i decided to head to the dentist. my left upper molar had felt tender whenever i bite and it had been there for as long as i could recall. i had left it untreated and instead relied on my right molars all these while.

the dentist did some tests and concluded that my upper molar was cracked and needed treatment. he said that at best, a crown would help but if the crack was really bad, a root canal would be needed. after discussing the options, i decided to go with the crown. i had all along disliked visits to the dentist, particularly for any treatments where i need to be injected. inserting a needle into the gum is really uncomfortable and between a root canal and a crown, the latter seemed less painful. 

regretfully, i couldn't avoid the injection. sighs. but i was pleasantly surprise when the injection didn't hurt. in fact, i didn't feel it at all, thanks to a numbing agent that the dentist applied before the injection. the drilling and filing of the molar was done in a jiffy and the dentist placed a temporary crown after taking an imprint for the permanent crown to be made. need to return to fix the permanent crown in two weeks. and as recommended, i opted for a silver crown as it would be more durable.

:-)

ps: i was told that my lower molar was also cracked and the dentist also suggested that i do a crown for it too. i decided to defer this till the next visit. all things being equal, i need to spread out the cost... each crown costs me sgd800!