reflecting mum's passing...

the following were some additional things i want to capture. and i wanted to do so cos i realised that i cannot really remember everything that happened now. i supposed i was so overwhelmed by every thing and the highly charged events that happened almost everyday. anyway...

• at the moment of my mum's passing, i did not cry. in fact, the feeling i felt was very conflicting. on one hand, i grieved, yet on the other hand, i felt very at peace. i grieved for my mum's passing, i grieved for that fact that the woman whom i was closest to my whole live had passed on. yet i felt at peace for the fact that i had done all i could to provide for her and that she had passed on very peacefully. her last breathe looked so natural as though she heave a huge sigh of relieve as she died. and from that sense, it calmed me somewhat.

• my brother agreed with me to have a buddhist funeral for mum. but when he realised that the funeral did not include the burning of paper effigies (male & female servants), cars, houses, etc for the deceased, he became uncomfortable. how would mum live if she didn't have a house, how could she possibly be with dad and 'live' comfortably in the afterlife when she did not have all these material things, he said. well, i understood his tensions. his mental model of afterlife was one the mirrors the living. i simply told him to do as he deemed fit. after all, to me, these rituals were more for the living than the deceased. and i could understand that he was coming from a taoist angle. he only retracted all these requirements after the funeral parlour representative told him that since mum had taken refuge in buddhism, all these were not necessary. nonetheless, all these taoist-related requirements kept coming up through the course of the wake/ funeral/ cremation. i simply let him be. 随缘 (go with the flow, as long as you are happy), that was the principle i adopted throughout the time.

• both my niece and my nephew reacted differently to mum's passing. for a start, my niece is 5 years old and could comprehend what had happened. throughout the wake, she refused to take a look at mum's body. she was afraid. as for my nephew, he was 3 years old and he was still not old enough to understand what had happened. during the wake, he kept saying that "ah ma has died" and played around the coffin. yet, when i visited him after the funeral, he asked "where is ah ma, how come ah ma did not come".

• i was touched by the many friends, colleagues, etc that came down for the wake. these included my ex-ceo. he was someone whom i had never had the chance to talk personally when he was the ceo. i was deeply touched he made the effort to come down. similarly, i was also touched by the fact that my staff from my previous employment came down in droves to give me their support. added to that a few whom i did not have the chance to work with cos i left the unit not too long after they joined the team also visited. most of these staff were malay and they even send wreaths to the wake. a few of them even came down a few times and as they did, they brought more people with them. as for my personal friends, many came down despite years of not keeping in contact. quite a few of them came down on multiple nights as a show of support. i deeply appreciate by their efforts. and added to that, many continued to called and/ or texted me all the way until this week to check on me and to make sure i have been coping well. it made me feel comforted.

• the maid grieved for mum in her own ways. she was the closest mum despite having started her stint with us on shaky grounds. throughout the wake, she kept herself busy serving drinks and snacks to the guests. and often a times, she would stand by the side of mum's coffin and stared at mum's body. she stayed over at the funeral parkour on the last two nights as she could not sleep well at home. she would be reminded of mum, she said. having said that, she did not dare sleep in mum's room on saturday and sunday nights. apparently, my brother had told her my mum would return on the seventh day and this freaked her out. added to that, my second sis said my mum will tap her shoulder when she returned. she asked me to allow her to stay with her friends during that two nights and i agreed. for the record, i personally do not believe this seventh night thing. nonetheless, i felt a little uncomfortable and kept myself to my room that night.

• i cleared away mums stuffs after the funeral. i threw away all her medications, and some of the things in her handbag. i donated her wheelchair and walking sticks to the rehab center and to show my appreciation to the staff of the rehab center for the excellent care they had given during the last 3 years, i have each and every staff a small ang pow (red packet). i also made a donation to the rehab center in mum's name. i could only do all these after my brother agreed to. he had reminded me to consolidate all of mum's things so that he could keep them. and he specifically added that he would also want to keep things like mum's bus concessionary cards, her handbag, her clothing, medical appointment cards, etc etc etc. 

• i am currently observing 49 days of vegetarianism. people had said doing so would help contribute positive merits to mum (from a buddhist perspective), but to me, i simply want to observe vegetarianism as it came naturally to me. no reasons needed. only thing was that i had wanted to do so for 7 days during the wake/ funeral period. but the 49-day requirement came about as someone my brother met on the streets told him it would do mum a lot of good in her afterlife. and so, to give him closure and to appease his mind that mum would get good merits, i told him i would be observing the 49 days.