day 4 - the final night

day 4 was the eve of the funeral and the highlight of this day was the conduct of the final nite prayers. otherwise, it was no different from the previous 2 days. people continued to visit to pay their last respects. i was exhausted by this day but thankfully, there were a lot less people. but as i mentioned, i was in my mechanical mode, i simply moved about like a robot. 

as in the previous days, i told my sisters that there was no need for them to be at the wake early as there was nothing much to do and that they could come down in the afternoon. as for my brother and his family, since they stayed over at the funeral parlour, they took the opportunity to head back home to do whatever they needed to do (rest, refresh, clean up, etc). and thus, most of the day, i was alone at the wake. i could also see that sapphie was totally exhausted by this day. she was at the wake daily and had stayed awake and active when people visited. by day 4, she was lethargic and simply laid on the floor throughout the day. i supposed it was not normal for her to be busy in the day time, considering she had always lazed and slept at home when i was at work, or when mum went to the rehab center.

i was kept busy by the additional requirement to prepare the stuffs for the funeral - prepare tissue papers, prepare the red packets, cut the red strings, buy loose flowers, arrange for oranges, etc. lots of stuff to do and to prepare. thankfully, my family members helped out and by the time all these things were done, it was already about 6pm. as i had to also balance these requirements with the need to attend to guests, i almost forgot to make the evening prayers. it was about 5.56pm before it hit me that i had not done so and i needed to do it before 6pm! heh. similar to both previous nites, we ended at 11-plus pm. a couple of my closest friends dropped by on all the days and kept me busy when they see me alone. i was glad of their presence and the support they gave me during this period. 

as for bee, he left for bangkok that afternoon. i was very unhappy about it when he told me about this plan on day 2, but i didn't want to say anything. if you have decided, what more can i say right? i thought. i was upset with him to abandoning me when i was at my lowest. if you have the heart and the concern, you would not even want to consider heading off overseas, regardless of reasons, i thought. and for the longest moment, i compared his response to my mum's demise to how i helped him out during his dad's wake/ funeral. and when i thought about things that way, i felt so lousy. but i had to time and again, reminded myself not to compare. but his not showing any concern by not even asking about my well-being throughout this period, even until today, continued to haunt me. but that was a separate issue altogether.

ok, i have digressed somewhat. as mentioned, this was the eve of the funeral and the main focus on this day was the conduct of the final prayers. 3 monks arrived by late afternoon and i went through with the lead monk details of the family, the names, etc. so that he could include their names when he say the prayers. interestingly, this monk was chinese educated and had so much problems with the english names of many of my family members. in the end, i had to give him all our names in chinese as far as i could. and as for my brother-in-law's name (where there was no chinese translation), i had to teach him how to pronounce the name. admittedly, when he was reciting our names during the prayer, i had to control myself from giggling. certainly not very nice to break into giggles during such a solemn and sombre session. the prayers finished close to 10pm.

day 4 ended rather uneventfully. i told myself i needed to rest before the funeral. i managed to catch 2-3 hours sleep that night.