50? 50!

during a casual chat with a colleague last week, the topic of age catching up with us came up. and when i told her i am 50, she said "hush! you are not even 49..." heh. i could understand her reaction cos she's a year older than me and refused to acknowledge her age. as for me, when i told her i was not bothered, and for that matter, had been telling people i am 50 since last year... she gave me that "you-must-be-crazy look". i explained that technically, using the lunar calendar, i was 49 last year and as chinese are pantang (superstitious) about -9s, i just round it up! hahha. she hissed at my response...

well, look here, fact that i have accepted and embrace the big 5, turning 50 is actually a non-event for me. for that matter, age has never been an issue with me. to me, i just enjoy my age, whatever year it might be. we only live once. age is a number. at times, we may grief over the lost of youth, on from another perspective, we should celebrate experience and wisdom!

agree?

(and no, this is not a self consolidation reflection...)

crown 2

i went for my second stage dental crowning for my upper molar yesterday and at the same time, i decided to proceed with the crowning of my lower molar. it was no less traumatic and sensing i was not ready for the pains, the dentist told me he would give me additional jabs. it will help me tide over the process and for some time after that, he said. and with that said, he proceeded with the procedure. and as he had said, it was not painful. in fact, i was so numbed, i couldn't even feel whether he was doing the top molar or the bottom molar.

the whole procedure last almost an hour plus and i walked out with a nice silver crown on my upper molar. i took a look at the silver crown after the whole process and it felt kinda weird. silver is certainly more durable but it reminded me of a cina pek (old china man)! (then again, i am not that young!) haha...

will have to return in a fortnights' time to fit the crown for the lower tooth.

:-)

move or stay?

do i try to do what i love, or try to love what i do?

something that i thought about when i asked myself if i should move on to the next job. many of my friends shared that i should love what i do (without knowing the context). but while i agree with them, it would also mean not opening myself out to new learning and new experiences.

and this little question by an ex-staff was most enlightening. he asked: do you want to be comfortably unhappy, or uncomfortably happy? and reflecting on his words, being uncomfortably happy is probably the best. being uncomfortable as there are new areas to learn, but happy given the people and the environment.

and i was really happy my ex-boss (the lady) called me and gave me some advice. she's the only one whom i have shared my thoughts and she suggested that i should find out more about the company before i decide. practical advice that i already know. but to hear it from her, it gave me a lot of assurance about moving ahead.

resignation

my finance top person tendered this week. and i did a count and realised that in my current job, i've survived 4 heads of my department, 3 finance chiefs, and 2 ceos... and it's only been less than 3 years.

perhaps, it is also time for me to go.

:-)

pregnant matchstick?

waaaa sir, from the back you look young, hamsome, and thin. but when sir turn around... waaaa, stomach very big!

words of realities from my maid...

heh heh. then again, i wasn't too disturbed by her words. it is a fact. and it simply told me that i needed to watch my weight. and i must add that whenever my tummy appears, all my backaches, etc will also flare up. need to cut down my carbs and thanks to dazza's sharing - just cut down the carbs for one meal a day. thought its a very practical and easy thing to do!

:-)

packed schedules

somehow, i find my weeks zoom by superbly fast these days. and i didn't have the time to really breathe throughout the work week. it's not good right?

i need to practice more mindfulness.

the last witch hunter

movie was a tat long but it was not as gory as i had expected. nothing special about it. the usual man hunts witch, man kills witch but got cursed with immortality, man found out 800 years later that he's alive by the heart of the witch, which of cos, means the witch can be resurrected. and no prize for guessing, that was what happened and a new battle ensued. man defeated witch (again) but in the end, decide to keep the heart... good entertain for an otherwise boring weekend.

heh...

transylvania 2

truth be told, i didn't quite enjoy this movie. trying too hard. perhaps it's just me. some things we just don't try to change, like the divide between monsters and humans. the political undertones (of inclusiveness, etc) was just too strong. and frankly, i didn't find it funny.

but of cos, as in all movies, let's just take it at face value.

was an ok no-brainer break for the (last) weekend nonetheless.

:-)

reflecting, my dream

i reflected on the dream i had about someone jumping out of a building and concluded that that person was me. and i said that because all these while i was struggling with my boss at work. although he has gotten a lot less hostile to me and, for that matter, started to coach me, it still gets to me when his aggressiveness and insecurities played up. and despite this change in his general attitude towards me, i had already made up my mind about leaving, there is really no point to work for a boss that spare no second thoughts about calling me a liar and other names. 

most importantly, i do not see any prospects in the company. i am already at the top of where i can be and there is no way for me to move upwards. worst of all, and in no pretence, my ceo himself already said, when at the level where there is no further way up, the only way is out. and so... of cos, while he did not specifically target what he said at me, it was clear that he was referring to the reality that all small size companies face. with all these factors, it would be most logical for me to leave regardless of how comfortable (or not) i may be currently.

this explains the man struggling to release himself out of the building. i couldn't figure if the man was attempting suicide or escaping from danger from within the building. also, once he fell off, i really didn't know if he died. there was no body at all... here's how i interpreted it...

with all the factors, i had been constantly on the look out for a new job and despite the many interviews that i went to, things did not seemed to go well. and lately, just when i slowed down my job search, a job appeared. and after 2 interviews, the hiring manager seemed more than keen to want me join them. the decision has been made but the offer etc will only come once the management makes the final decision to move the incumbent. that will occur dec this year and that means, if things go according to the plan, i will leave my company mar 2016. now, the thing is - the job scope covers many areas that i do have have depth of experience in. and i naturally am anxious if i could manage.  i have expressed my apprehensions to the hiring manager but she assured me she would hand-hold. the pace is ok and you have 2-3 years to learn, she assured.

my fear of the unknown and my lack of experience makes me anxious. i am uncertain of the future.  what if i cannot deliver? what if i cannot fit? is this the right decision? i am not sure myself. i am scared. it is indeed a huge leap of faith. the future is unclear. this, to me, explains the lack of body in the dream... so... perhaps the best thing for me to do now is to read up, talk, ask around and prepare myself for the change. i cam perhaps only move on with the clarity that it is a journey i have to take.

"suicide"

i was in a quiet, almost dead unit and i was looking out of the window. this unit was at a relatively high floor, and if i recalled correctly, 9th floor. and opposite this unit stood another block. as i looked, i saw a pair of legs hanging outside the window of the very unit in front of me. it was dangling there and kicking into the mid air as if this person was trying to get out of the window. my immediate thought was that this person must be a little crazy. and next thing i knew i saw this person loosen himself from the window and fell downwards. 

i had just witnessed a suicide. and at that very moment, i could see the fear on the man's eyes. then again, from another angle, the man looked depressed. resigned. and perhaps relieved. relieved that he was finally free from the tensions that had gripped him up till that moment. it was amazing how small details like that got magnified and became the center of focus despite the man being quite a distance away. i didn't rush to the window but in my head, i could imagine a loud "thud" as the man hits the ground. there must have been lotsa blood and broken body pieces, i thought.

i wanted to call the police but something in me told me to just hold it there. moments later, it struck me that there was no loud "thud". i walked to the window and looked down. there was no body. there were a couple of people just walking, busy with their respective routines. and...

i woke up. 

九月初九

today is the 9th day of the 9th lunar month, supposedly the day where herbal tonics are most potent. so, have you taken your herbal tonics!? heh... for me, i simply did it the lazy way. i opened and downed a bottle of cordyceps essence.

:-)

out of trouble mask

this mask was launched in the early-2000

it is still found in the market today

amazing right?

it says a lot about its popularity 

i was introduced to it 2003

i still use it once a while today

and i absolutely love it

the experience, the smell, the cool tingling feel, and of cos

the afterglow 

nice!

my neighbour's (gay?) tenants

my neighbour rented out a room to two guys since last month and i decided two days ago to introduce myself to one of them.

you see, my neighbour had erected a partition in his living room to create a smaller walk-in one-room unit a couple of months back. he's divorced and certainly didn't need so many rooms, and by partitioning and renting out the unit, it would lessen his efforts to upkeep the whole apartment and allow him an additional source of income.

two guys moved in about a month or so back. and while they look as straight as any guy-next door, their behaviour suggest they are a couple. you see, these two guys move around and do their routines together. meals, swims, exercises, etc. also, i think one of them only stay over on specific days of the week and does not live here. then again, whether they are a couple or not didn't matter. what's important is that they have moved in and i have new neighbours. so... despite seeing them move in and out of their unit regularly, we had never talked. to me, it was weird. its not natural for neighbours to not know each other. 

i decided to take the initiative two days ago. one of them had returned home and i walked out of my unit and introduced myself to him. apart from welcoming him, i also told him that he should not hesitate to knock on my door if he needs any help in future. he was kinda caught off-guard by my introduction. and to my surprise, he came over to my unit a few minutes later and gave me some chocolates and snacks, explaining that he had just returned from overseas...

well, that's a good start. building good relationships with neighbours are important. as the chinese saying go - a relative living far away cannot be compared to a nearby neighbour (远亲不如近邻）. you never know when you'll need their help. right?

:-)

crowning

had some time to spare after my ultra-sound treatment for my feet and i decided to head to the dentist. my left upper molar had felt tender whenever i bite and it had been there for as long as i could recall. i had left it untreated and instead relied on my right molars all these while.

the dentist did some tests and concluded that my upper molar was cracked and needed treatment. he said that at best, a crown would help but if the crack was really bad, a root canal would be needed. after discussing the options, i decided to go with the crown. i had all along disliked visits to the dentist, particularly for any treatments where i need to be injected. inserting a needle into the gum is really uncomfortable and between a root canal and a crown, the latter seemed less painful. 

regretfully, i couldn't avoid the injection. sighs. but i was pleasantly surprise when the injection didn't hurt. in fact, i didn't feel it at all, thanks to a numbing agent that the dentist applied before the injection. the drilling and filing of the molar was done in a jiffy and the dentist placed a temporary crown after taking an imprint for the permanent crown to be made. need to return to fix the permanent crown in two weeks. and as recommended, i opted for a silver crown as it would be more durable.

:-)

ps: i was told that my lower molar was also cracked and the dentist also suggested that i do a crown for it too. i decided to defer this till the next visit. all things being equal, i need to spread out the cost... each crown costs me sgd800!

ultra-sound treatment

i went for the ultra-sound treatment for my plantar fasciitis on friday. it was a short 10min ultrasound treatment for each foot. it was surprisingly not painful (unlike the ultra-sound treatment i wh=ent through to remove my kidney stones). and at the end of the process, the doctor told me i should rest over the next few days and avoid walking. heh... this is not possible, i told myself. how to not walk when i have to bring my mum out for her routine walks, meals, etc...

but i must say, my feet felt less painful when i woke up the yesterday. lets' hope the pain reduces over time. been told the pain will reduce and plateau off about 3-4 days post-treatment. need to repeat the treatment next friday to force the healing process again.

:-)

mood swings - mum

mum had issues with water retention and had to be kept on a fluid restriction regime since her discharge from hospital. despite reducing her furosemide dosage, she continued to suffer thirst and had been asking for water non-stop throughout the day. and every time she did so, i had to patiently explain to her about the need to control her water intake. the water will make you breathless, your legs swollen and you may even have a heart attack, and i'd repeat these lines again and again. and when such lines become no longer effective, i'd evoke the doctor as my last resort. she has this respect for doctors and she'd obey when i say it's doctors' order. even then such tactics has its limits when her thirst got the worst of her. and when that happens, she'd angrily retort - ya, so if the doctor ask me to die, i'll have to die right? anyway, every so often, i would in and give her an ice cube or a small sip of water. but given her forgetfulness, she'd ask for water again within the next minute. it was really draining mentally and emotionally.

yesterday, it happened again and this time round, i went through the routine of repeating why she needed to control her water intake, evoking the doctors, etc. i repeated it a few times and by late morning, she started accusing me of wanting to kill her and said i was deliberately doing so so that she'd die faster. she added that i'd be very happy when she dies. her accusations went on for a while until i lost my temper. i simply told her that if i had wanted her to die, i would have fed her with all the water she wanted and let her leg swell, her lungs collapse and for her to suffer a heart attack. she was obviously not listening and continued berating me. i was so frustrated i simply told her drink to death if she wants to. i told her that it was so difficult to look after her given all her illnesses, and despite all that i had done for her, she had the cheek to turn around and said such hurting words. i was damned pissed off by then. what happened next was not unexpected. she refused to talk to me, threw tantrums, and refused food and water, which actually was the effect i had wanted to achieve. heh... she kept this way until evening when she reluctantly agreed to head out for dinner. 

and well, as to be expected, the whole process of asking for water and saying she is thirsty happened again today. i am just glad the weekend is over and i can be relieved of handling her non-stop asking for water when i go to work.

:-)

relaxing day

had a two hour sleep post-exercise and decided to head to the pool for a tan.

had been a long while since i had the chance to visit the pool. and it was indeed really good. the pool was quiet with just a couple of other tanners, the sun was not overbearing and there were no noisy kids. managed to grab a quick nap too, heh. well, as usual, nearing lunchtime, a few more tanners arrived, including one or two regular flashers. these were the regular ones who had been flashing for as long as i could remember and so, the surprise and/ or novelty factor was totally not there... so... yeah, next...

and to top it off, i went for a facial to clean up my face. such a tai-tai day.

:-)

crisis exercise

participated in the airport crisis exercise on wednesday night (or to be exact thursday morning 12.30am). the aim of the exercise was to practice all agencies involved in crisis management in the event of an air crash. and as in all such exercises, everything was staged and, if i may add, rather elaborately. there was a simulated crash created at a corner of the airport, actors were engaged from schools to play the roles of injured passengers and family members. and as expected, there was quite a bit of over-dramatic reactions from these actors. but all agencies involved took it in stride and managed their roles seriously.

the stress levels for the organisers were increased several notches when the transport minister decided last minute to drop by to observe the whole exercise. but despite the staging, i thought it was good for the fact that many of the processes were practised and the people involved were all very serious about their respective roles. it was a good learning experience for me personally.

i was totally dead beat by the time the exercise ended and left the airport at 6.15am.

new washing machine

heh... the maid has been complaining for some time that the washing machine was malfunctioning and i had not acted on it. finally got it replaced friday. and it was so coincidental that i received $800 vouchers from an insurance i bought some time back. so yeah....

i got my washing machine replaced free of charge.

:-)

twisted my neck

i twisted my neck early in the week.

it happened when i was asleep. i was a light sleeper and would usually turn in my bed through the night. and it so happened that when i tried turning, i heard a "crack" in my neck and almost immediately i felt the whole muscles stiffen. it was not a pleasant experience and amidst my drowsy state, i reminded myself to relax as much as i could so as not to cause further strain on the neck. thankfully it helped. but the stiff neck stayed through the week. 

its been 4-5 days and the stiffness is still there... 

let's hope it clears soon.

what a week...

cannot find the right word to describe the week. so many things happened. here's a quick summary of the many things in point form:

• found out i had been lied to
• twisted my neck
• bought a new support pillow
• received a $800 voucher 
• got another job opportunity
• went through an airport crisis exercise
• bought a new washing machine
• mum went through a few mood swings 
• did the ultra-sound treatment for both feet
• did my crowning for my upper left molar
• ups and downs at work
• intro myself to my neighbour's tenant

that kinda describe the things that happened this week. will expand on them in due course...

for now, i am going to sleep

zzz.

job "meet up"

last friday, met up with the hiring manager of the company that interviewed me previously. went through a 2-hour talk (chit-chat session) where the hiring manager spoke very openly about what her expectations are and what i could expect if i were to join them. i appreciated her openness and i also shared, in as open a manner, about my desire to observe my daily routines (with regards my mum) if i were to join them. better lay all cards clearly on the table now, i thought.

the conversation ended with the hiring manager telling me that the position would only be open first quarter 2016. nonetheless, she indicated she was very keen to have me join her. as of now, things sound very positive with only one issue - i am not confident i would be able to deliver to expectations. the job scope of the position was tremendously wide and the expectations were very high. need to think through it thoroughly before any offer comes (if it comes)...

do i sound like i worry too much? happy problem i supposed?

monday blues

i dread heading back to work tomorrow. there are a couple of things left hanging and i seriously didn't want to face them. disagreement over contracts, proposals, etc...

yikes...

pan

i had expected more when i walked into the theatre. but the show did not meet up to my expectations. it was unevenly paced and frankly, there were times where i felt it was draggy. and as always, i had to remind myself, it was only a show after all. and it did not help that the bloody cinema was so terribly cold. despite having had my sweater on, my whole body and legs still stiffened up so bad my plantar fasciitis flared up when i tried to get up and walk after the show ended. 

zzzz...

reflecting work...

i usually do not get so stressed out over work. but since i took over the whole port folio of my colleague, i have had lots of sleepless nights. most of the sleepless nights were due to the need to face my boss cos his thinking was hard to fathom and that he usually doesn't agree with what i propose and i usually end up being caught in difficult situations (and he likes to raise his voice, which gets me really uneasy).

last month, i had an unpleasant case of him disagreeing with a contract that was drafted by an agency and he insisted on his way of things after the receiving the service. things got really ugly and we ended up wanting to scrap the whole project (which involved getting rid of people and possibly heading to court). it was lucky that the vendor gave in in the end, and decided it would not be worth heading to the court over such a small sum of money and the need to maintain a long term view to the business relationship. i felt totally stressed out... but thankful that the vendor took a step back. this happened again this month and as it stands, i am now faced with another similar situation. this case is still on-going and i am caught between different parties with both parties refusing to give in. sighs. but of cos, i supposed i have learnt to managed my boss a little better for the frequency of him raising his voice has lessened. i simply told him i needed to learn from him and that i am new to this...

on the other hand, from these incidents, i learned something about negotiation tactics. for my boss, his starting point is always at the lowest end - e.g. if someone asks for 10, he will start at 0. and he will be very thuggish about the whole process. i can understand his tactic, but i find it very hard to accept the hostility in the approach. and so far, he has gotten his way although i must say the outcome had been consistent in that the relationship between both parties always invariably end up very tense despite the calm outwardly. to me, this is not a good outcome. anyway, i am still learning and shall just take it as it comes.

learn...

the martian

watched this movie last weekend. i had initially hesitated watching it as i was alone and that it was a superbly long movie. the start time of the movie was 11.45pm and it would end close to 2.00am. but in the end i decided to do so as it was about space and space travel, and i have been intrigued by all things related to space all my life. and the recent announcement of nasa discovering water on mars made me more curious about mars.

i sat through the whole show, all two and a half hour of it and it didn't feel that long. the show didn't disappoint. it had all the ingredients of a good movie. the suspense, the emotional swings, the sense of total lost, adventure, the unknown unknown (come on, its mars!)... and of cos, the really good acting. then again, one small bit about how the chinese suddenly appear and decided to chip in to help was a tat odd for me. but having watched this trailer, it made total sense to me how and why this part fitted in. all humans have this innate instinct to save their own kind, and when one of our own is stuck in another planet, we all chip in, regardless of political divides.

i thoroughly enjoyed the movie. it was really good.

:-)

ps: if i recall correctly, this was perhaps one of the only shows i have watched where matt damon appeared in the nude (although it was only his back that was shown)

cock size...

my reflections on confidence amongst (gay)men:

the size of a (gay)man's confidence is usually proportional to how big he perceives his manhood is...

agree?

(on second thoughts, perhaps it is about how comfortable he is with the size of his manhood...)

places i'd like to go...

have not really travelled these recent 7-8 years since i took on the primary caregiver role for mum. and when i think about it, there are some places that i'd really love to go, if i have the capacity and the finances... here goes (and not in order of priority):

• egypt (the great pyramids)
• silk road 
• grand canyon
• new zealand (south island)
• niagara falls
• maccu piccu
• many other parts of europe, asia (including china)...

then again, i should already be thankful for the fact that i have already had the opportunities to travel to many parts of the world (check out my "travels" page).

so where'd you like to go? 

:-)

"angry with your siblings"

was talking (texting) to karstan earlier.

he had texted me a short joke (the type where we spam our friends with) and a short conversation followed. and as we talked, we invariably came to the usual mundane questions such as "how are you", "how's bee", etc... and as i shared, naturally the issue of my preoccupations with my mum came about and how faced challenges heading out for prolonged periods of time. and he made an interesting comment, something about being angry with my siblings. "do they even help?" he asked. 

heh heh... actually, he was not the first person to respond this way. in fact, most people i am closer with tend to go through this "angry-with-my-sibling" phase. well, if you consider giving a call to her or supplementing my finance as help, i replied. and he joked about hoping my mum will leave me with all her estates when she goes eventually. hahaha... well, i do not ask for anything (there is no estate to begin with! perhaps her handbag and the stuff inside). then again, i do not ask for anything. not even the small amount of personal jewelry. for me, just the memory of spending good time with her when she's alive is the most important. it's priceless.

:-)

no more painful shoulders

the pain i experienced in my shoulder last month has largely dissipated. thankful for that. my colleague suggested it was due to work stress, considering how the whole shoulder flared up when i was tasked to take over a major function by my boss, in addition to my existing port folio. perhaps so... but whats important to me is that it is gone. and importantly, i have learned to better appreciate the lack of pain (aka normalcy) and to be more conscious about stretching my neck muscles regularly.

:-)

motorbike

i used to ride a motorbike. that was in the late 80s when i was an undergrad. gave up riding in 1991 when i got posted to gombak. thought it would not be so glam for a captain to be riding a motorbike. heh heh... and over the last couple of years, i have started to ponder if i should get a motorbike again. apart from the fact that it is much cheaper than to maintain a car, the idea of being able to experience the wind as i ride made me revisit the whole idea of getting the bike again...

now... should i do so? have always dreamed of getting a scrambler...

haha...

interview process update...

i wrote about an interview with a company in august, and how the company placed the position on hold indefinitely not too long after the interview. sometime mid-sep, i was informed that the hiring manager had started reviewing the position and would be making a decision about selecting candidates for a second interview (with the company md)... well, here's the latest update. 

last week, the headhunter called and asked for details of my current package. apparently, the company had asked for it. i was surprised by this cos usually, requests for such info would only be done after the final interview to prepare a package proposal. nonetheless, i provided the details and next thing i knew, i was informed that the hiring manager would like to see me again (and not for an interview with the md). the headhunter said the hiring manager was reviewing the jd of an existing senior personnel with the view of carve out some of the tasks for this new position and would finalise the jd before meeting me. i supposed the next meet would be to hear my views about the jd.

kinda surprised by this turn of event cos if what the headhunter said was true, it meant they are ready to make an offer. nonetheless, i was a little sceptical and simply told the headhunter that i frankly do not have any high hopes and would just go along with the flow (i kinda don't quite trust big companies cos the previous time i dealt with one, they interviewed me 4 times, told me how positive the interviews were, made me wait for 9 months and then decided to reject me and hire an internal staff). instead, the headhunter told me that the hiring manager was very keen on me and have called them a couple of times to "keep me warm". so...

let's just not have any expectations and just see how things pan out.

babies & elderly persons

i do see much similarities between taking care of elderly persons and babies/ toddlers. and it boils down to fundamental life routines (eat, sleep, pee, shit). as long as these are well managed and things flow smoothly, life happens. everything in between becomes very empty and very transient - wealth, fame, face, ego, politics, etc and for that matter, the whole concept of "me". very humbling reminder that "i come with nothing, i go with nothing".

mum's ok

have received quite a few texts from friends (in this blog, via whatsapp, etc) asking if mum was ok. thank you one and all for the well-wishes and concern. truly appreciate it. here's an update on her condition.

she came home after a 5-day stay in the hospital, further weakened but on the whole, ok - for her current state of health. this stay was 2 days more that the previous stay. the doctors didn't want to keep her longer than that despite her continued wheezing and reliance on the oxygen machine. she has the oxygen machine at home and that should help her. also we would like to reduce any possibility of her getting any secondary infection from a prolonged stay in the hospital, they said. and she was discharged with strict instructions to complete her antibiotics, and prednisolone (steroids to keep her airways open). i noted that the antibiotics prescribed was the stronger version this time round (augmentin) and that the duration to titrate the steroids downwards was much longer. all these only mean one thing - she's much weakened.

the real challenge to me since her discharge was - how to balance her quality of life amidst all the challenges of her health now. it's a constant ethical dilemma balancing what's right vs what's good for her and it was certainly not easy.

firstly, medication. to ensure her body drains the excess fluid from her system, the dosage of her furosemide was increased by 4 times. and to ensure her body salt was not affected, she was ordered to take 4 tablets of potassium chloride daily (up by 4 times too). it was terrible for her and she suffered consistent extreme thirst. she became so dehydrated she was near tears as we kept refusing to give her water. no more than 4 cups of water a day - that was the strict instructions given by the doctors, and that include the water she'd take in from her food, fruits, etc. but she kept asking for water almost non-stop through the day and it was difficult to see her suffer like that. i myself cannot comprehend how a person could take it when water was constantly forced out of the body yet at the same time, load the body with salt (which make one more thirsty!). in the end, i decided to simply ignore that prescription and titrate her medication downwards (or upwards), and manage the water intake myself based on how swollen her feet are. it didn't make sense to me that her quality of life should be so drastically affected. her thirst was a little better managed although she still complains of thirst constantly now (she told her she's thirsty and asked for water no less than 10 times during the time i typed this entry)...

secondly, boredom. after her discharge, she couldn't stand up and her legs gave way whenever she tried. and coupled with her breathlessness, i made her rest the next 3-4 days at home. she got restless and insisted on heading to her daily rehab center "treatment". while i was hesitant given her reliance on the oxygen, i also could understand her restlessness. it was terribly boring to stay at home, she protested. in the end, i relented and allowed her to head to the rehab center. i kept her off the oxygen machine for half a day and she seemed ok and assessed she could take the prolonged duration without it. as expected, her body gave way and she got exhausted after one day. my routine now is to assess her condition every morning (by looking at the color of her lips and the condition of the haze) before allowing her to head out.

now, she is almost totally reliant on her oxygen machine at home, hardly able to walk anymore (she 'd become breathless when she does simple things such as standing-up to wear her sarong). the haze is not doing her any good too but these are things that have to be considered and managed daily. can be challenging at times considering she has others conditions such as diabetes, paranoia, anxiety, depression etc that added to her respiratory issues. 

more serious, this time

mum has been in hospital since last friday. this time round, her condition was a little worse. here's the run down of events that happened on friday...

woke up as usual and had taken leave to collect her mental institute medication for her but the plan was almost changed when she told me she wanted to head to the hospital. it was not normal for she really dislike going to the hospital. but for that morning, she insisted on it as she was worried about her swollen legs. she said couldn't walk when she woke up that morning. her request caught me off guard but after some thoughts, i thought it would be a good idea to do as she wished. i decided to proceed to collect her medications first and asked her to wait for me at home. 

when i came home and wanted to bring her to the hospital, interestingly, she said she didn't want to bring her stuff (handbag, bracelet, watch, etc) as she said she'll not be coming home anymore. it was rather heart-wrenching to hear her say this. did she know something i didn't? did that input mean she's leaving us and she knew about it coming? i have always known of elderly asking for/ doing weird stuff like what mum did before they passed on. anyway, i simply told her gently to bring them along and after some coaxing, she relented and brought everything along to the hospital.

at the a&e, i waited for almost 3hrs and had to ask for an update before i could see her. it was weird and unusual cos usually, the doctors would update me within half an hour. but this time round, when i finally got to see her, the doctor looked rather serious and almost immediately asked how invasive a treatment would we want them to pursue if her lungs were to collapse. accordingly, her condition was very much worst compared to last month when she was warded for similar issue. usually, her wheezing would stop after 2-3 nebulizers but this time round, they'd given her 4 within a short span of 2 hours and she's still panting badly. she looked totally wasted when i saw her.

after some discussion with her, she decided not to opt for intubation. despite telling the doctors of our decision, they suggested to hold the decision until we hear out the respiratory consultants. the thought of her wasting away and choking to death made me tear. i couldn't let her see me like that and much as i tried to talk to her, i couldn't and i had to eventually excuse myself. the icu doctor came out to meet me and explained the whole procedure to me, she explained that if we opt for intubation, their procedure if her lungs were to collapse would be to insert a tube into her lungs. this would assist her breathing. she would be placed in the icu for this and given her weak kidneys and heart, the risk of kidney and heart failure is considerably higher compared to a normal healthy person. the doctor explained that the possibility of her going into long term life support.

the last time i was asked this question, my mum, my bro and i decided against intubation. this time round, i went further, i smsed my sisters and told them about it - not that they would make any difference but rather, i wanted to prepare them mentally in the eventuality that mum dies. something in me told me that it was time to do so. and as expected, i didn't get any response other than from my second sis who told me she's tied down with work and couldn't visit. i wasn't too pleased with her response but thought it's for her to manage. i had done my part and if mum where to go, she'll have to manage her own guilt of prioritizing her work over mum. as for my brother, he simply said he didn't trust doctors and that if mum had decided against intubation, we'll just have to let god decide for her.

and that was it. mum was eventually placed in a normal ward and given the usual "normal" oxygen, regular nebuliser, and treated with antibiotics. hopefully, she will respond well to the treatment,   her lung infection clears and that she can be weened off the oxygen. otherwise... hmmm... i really don't know of otherwise what...

let's just hope for the best.

another job opportunity

another headhunter called my up yesterday.

there's another job opportunity. this one is very interesting, although the position is a level lower than what i am holding now. but it is for a sports company that is a us mnc. the headhunter told me its a new regional role and that the candidate will be reporting to a lead in the us. there will also be a need to do a little travel. so, for now, she (the headhunter) asked if i am keen and that if i am, i should send her my resume. so.... 

yeah, just do it!

;-)

he's ok

recently i blogged about a missing friend.

well, he contacted me again after sometime. i am glad he is alive. thank goodness someone saved him and send him to the hospital. otherwise, he would have left this world by now. i can empathise with what he had gone through and i had gone there before. but really, it is not worth it. we are all responsible for our own actions and no matter what, we cannot and should not consider taking our own life.

then again, when the mind is depressed anything is possible.

just glad he ok now and moving on well.

frozen

i organised a training session last week for my company and i joined in as a trainee myself.

the training was conducted by the mental institute and covered topics related to care support for people who are involved in major incidents. during the training sessions, we were organised into 2 groups - caregivers and traumatised next-of-kins of victims. and for one particular scenario, i played the role of an aggressive and upset next-of-kin. and as i acted, my colleague who played the role of the caregiver (who was supposed to manage me) simply froze and didn't know how to react...

poor guy ended up being traumatised himself.

lol...

zn is 5!

my niece celebrated her fifth birthday yesterday!

was a good celebrations. good dinner, nice cake and of course, noisy kids.

:-)

job opportunity revival

remember the interview that i recently went (last month) and that in the end, i was told the position was put on hold? 

well, the headhunter called me up early this week and told me that the hiring manager will be making her decision by next week and that i am still one of her front runner...

hmmm...

painful shoulders

my bad shoulder had plateau off. nowadays, there was a constant pain (on a scale of 10, i give a 5-6 to the intensity of the constant pain). and interestingly, the pain gets worst at night. so much so that i hardly had a good night's sleep these days. i had resorted to taking sleeping pills last couple of days but it was of limited use cos i would still wake up middle of the night as i grimace in pain. 

sighs...

happy with election results?

couple of days ago, a friend asked me whether i was happy with the election results. i said it didn't matter to me. life goes on. happiness or sadness about election results is empty ultimately. whether the pap or the opposition win, there will be positive outcomes as well as negative outcomes. what's important is that i still have a choice to decide how i want to live my life. let's not let political wins or loses decide my mood and how i view things in life, or worst, how i view people around me (who may be of the same/ different political affiliation as me).

such are the effects of attachments to affiliations cos i do notice some of my friends were superbly upset about the pap winning and behaved very badly for quite a while. and interestingly, several of them were buddhists. and i thought, oh dear, their whole practise and efforts to cultivate peace of mind and non-attachment had all been forgotten when it came to politics cos they were so attached to their views of the political parties.

well, i supposed we are all human after all.

high tea

bee and i went for a high tea buffet last saturday.

and at the high tea buffet, i felt rather embarrassed and disgusted to see people not just piling their plates with sashimi, prawns, etc etc etc but also stack their table with plates and plates of food! and the way they arrange the food on the table, i thought it was very appropriate for the fact that that day was the last day of the hungry ghost festival!

the disgusting side of singaporeans!

elections

the elections was held on the 11 sep. yup, coincided with the 9/11 anniversary.

and this time round, i deactivated my facebook account (think i had blogged about this), and so, compared to the last election, i had it relatively easy. no tensions per se. i went and voted with a clear mind. and walked out within a few minutes. very efficient indeed.

and of course, as in all major events, mum went haywire. on polling day morning, she sat by the tv and a cooking show was running, and she asked me how come people are cooking when they were voting... erm... haha... she was totally confused. then we went to the market for breakfast and i asked what she wanted to have for breakfast. but to register what i wanted to ask, i had to ask if she would like to "vote for" lontong or kway chup (both of which were her usual breakfast food). she happily said she wanted to "vote for" kway chup. but of cos, it so happened that that was a friday and there was no kway chup, and she had to "vote for" lontong in the end.

but once we arrived at the polling station, she became very normal and actually went through the voting very seriously. she told me after she casted her vote that there's only pap (people's action party) and hammer (worker's party). 

hmmm...

too long...

been away for too long. 

since i last wrote, the general elections came and went, lots of things happened at work, the seventh month ended, the mooncake month started, celebrations, death, etc hmmm...

so....

it's gonna be blog diarrhoea again!

:-)

inside out

one of the best show this year. very mature, very entertaining, very touching, very refreshing, brings a lump to your throat, etc... you get it. joy and sadness, inseparable. different sides of the same coin... coming of age show. imo, best show from pixar so far!

what more can i say.

:-)

stressful times

• missing friend (many suspected he has committed suicide)
• singapore election
• mum's health
• own health (and very painful too)
• niece hospitalization 
• unhappy workplace
• malaysia bersih/ politics
• japanese anti-abe rallies
• philippine politics
• thai bomb blasts
• indonesia clashes
• current market turmoil 

all sorts of stressors, near and far and all affecting me to varying degree. and things just seemed to get worst by the days... as though life is not stressful enough. then again, this might just be a seventh month thingee cos every year during the seventh lunar month, all sorts of stressful things happen. only consolation is that we're in the last 2 weeks of the seventh month... things should be improving!

break from facebook

i have deactivated my fb account.

will reactivate it again in 2 weeks. and i did so cos i want to avoid all the emotional postings of people during this election period. life is stressful enough. certainly do not want to get myself more stressed out with all the emotional, and many a times, senseless bitching by people...

i owe myself a break!

plantar fasciitis

went for a review last week and the doctor measured the thickness of the tendons of my feet and found that the thickness have increased from 4-plus mm to now 6.0mm and 6.7mm on my right and left foot respectively.

oh dear, you better stop all exercises... if it thickens to 7mm or more, the tendons will just snap, he warned. and with this development, he arranged for me to undergo ultrasound treatment to relieve the pain and to shock the feet into recovery.

so... the ultrasound treatment has been schedule for mid-oct 15. two treatments on consecutive weeks. was told it would be something similar to the kidney treatment i went through last year. if so, it's gonna be painful. but if it'll relieve the pain, i'm for it.

:-)

bad shoulder

have had this superbly bad right shoulder since early this month. had been going to the chiropractor almost every other day to get it adjusted. for some reasons, the whole shoulder blade had collapsed inwards onto my rib cage and has been causing me excruciating pain inside my shoulder. most times, the pain would extend down towards my small finger. 

my chiropractor had taught me how to mobilise my shoulder in order to relieve the pains but these are temporary measures cos the pain would appear again within minutes.

let's hope it clears soon...