killed

for some reasons, i found myself caught in a situation where my brother had held my mum hostage in his car. he refused to let her out despite my pleas and when i tried to physically get her out, he pulled out a gun and pointed it at me.

i prone onto the ground to protect myself from him in case he open fire at me. the police had been activated and one had stealthily crept up to behind my brother behind his car seat. sensing danger, he raised his gun, pointed at me and just as he was about to pull the trigger, the policeman fired a shot.

i couldn't see the bullet but heard a thunderous bang and the next thing i knew, my brother slumped forward, his hand dropped the gun and all was quiet. there was no blood and it was all silent. and almost immediately, the reality that i had witnessed my brother being killed hit me and i broke into tears, wailing as i did so.

i opened my eyes. it was all dark and quiet. i reached out to my phone and noted it was 4:03am. i went back to bed. it had been a terrible night for me, tossing and turning, and my body aching...

start of 11th year

and so we start off our eleventh year just like any other day. no fanfare, no celebrations, no dinners, not even a breakfast together. just a simple message and that was how we went through this first day of our eleventh year. it's a weekday after all.

have been terribly busy through the day with work. in fact, i was so caught up with work. had to conduct a day of training and then to clear some of my days' tasks before i leave office. decided that i cannot answer every email/ complete every tasks and simply complete the most important one. and after that, the usual dinner with mum and maid outside followed by shopping and then home.

and that wrapped up how i spend the day.

easily captured in one word - routine.

:-)

rock-a-bye baby

i have decided to take a tab of lorazepam tonight, really felt the need to take it to aid my sleep. and i took a b12 tab with it too. thought it'll help me cope with things at this moment.

let's hope the night passes by peacefully

zzz..

(?)

happy 10th anniversary

although i have refused to initiate any conversation since last month, i decided to text him this time.

happy 10th anniversary.

it's better to initiate this than to wonder whether he remembers, or whether he will text me, or...

it's for my own sanity.

i needed it for myself.

exclusively gay, & happy about it

read a rather interesting article before bed this morning. it spoke about the gay-straight continuum and proposed a scale that showed the 7 different categories of people between heterosexual and homosexuals based both on one's identity and behaviour (see above). it also proposed how we humans should view human sexuality and suggested that the majority of humans are actually bisexuals (see diagram below). 

and i tried to do the kinsey scale test, i got myself rated as shown...

well, no surprise right? 

lol...

paw dropped off

i had a really weird dream early this morning. it went something like this...

i was at my main door and i threw something at sapphie (my dog). i couldn't remember if it was food or a toy but when i threw it, she scrambled to grab it. but for some reasons, she scrambled on the spot and couldn't really move forward. it looked a little comical. but when i looked closely, i saw something very disturbing - one of her hind paw had broken off from her leg and she could hardly stand. she seemed to be in great pain as she struggled with her pawless hind leg. i rushed forward to pick her up in my attempt to help her. for that moment, i didn't know what to do. should i keep her paw in ice water so that the vet may re-attach it back to her body? i didn't know what to do. i could only sit there and cradle her as i tried to calm her.

but somehow, there was no blood in the whole scene. was i saw was simply a furry paw.

hmmm... weird right?

collapsing building

i took a morning nap after breakfast and was jolted from it by a very bad dream.

in the dream, i vaguely recall i was in some sort of a work group and trying to solve an issue. all the members of the team had left and i was left alone in the room. i was trying very hard to scribble some answers on a piece of paper. the "teacher" (dreams are like this, for a while, it was work, then it seemed like we were in a classroom setting) had excused himself after asking us to continue. then 2 ladies from marketing department (that was what my dream told me although i didn't know who they were in real life) came and told me they have been told to join my team. i had to move myself from the table (which had became a corner of the room) to make space for them. one of the ladies was rather impatient and went off to look for the "teacher". she wanted him to quickly come back and facilitate the session. after she went off, the other lady sat beside me quietly and continue with the  task of solving the problem given to us.

and then, the building started tilting. i could see the angle of the tilt when i looked out of the window. the angle created by the building window and another building outside indicated to me that the building had tilted close to 30 degrees to my right. it was scary. and next thing i knew, we (the lady beside me and myself) had to hold on to the handle bar (that suddenly appeared on the walls) so that we do not slip. but just as quickly as it tilted, it went back to its upright position again. i contemplated running out of the building as i suspected it would collapse soon. but before i could even make up my mind, the building started tilting again. this time, it did not stop at 30 degrees. it continued and the when it reach more than 45 degrees, the tilt picked up speed and the building started collapsing. in my sleep, i could feel my heart dropping. it was really scary.

and i woke up, my heart pounding furiously and i was perspiring.

i had napped for about half an hour.

scary. freaking scary.

marvel's avengers: age of ultron

fast-paced, non-stop action. entertaining. but i must say that at times, it was action overdose - too many people flying all over, fighting and all in slow motion. then again, when i reminded myself that it was a comic after all, things fell into perspective. also, i like the way the movie dealt with the softer side of the various individual - their past, their love life, their family. gave an additional dimension to the various characters. regretfully, we are gonna miss quite a few characters in the next film. for a start, thor will not be there.

i enjoyed the show.

tender kidney (?)

i have been experiencing this dull tenderness feel at the level/ location of my right kidney at my back. at times, it was a dull pain but at times, the pain can be quite acute especially when i pressed on it. have experienced this pain before and have spoken to the urologist about it. but the response i get was always similar - nothing to worry about. let's just hope this time round there is nothing nasty about it. will give it a week or two more and see how. 

if it persists, i'll probably head to my family clinic.

mouth ulcers

my mouth ulcers are killing me!

there are three altogether - two on the upper lip and one huge one on the lower lip. and they are superbly painful. they are creating havoc for me cos it very difficult to talk, eat and drink! and to manage the stinking sensation, i have been applying the numbing agent but end up with the lips drying up and cracking. 

arggghhh...

sleepy

i am not sure why but i have been feeling so sleepy these days, so much that i have problems trying to stay awake. just yesterday, i couldn't keep my eyes open as i read the newspapers. i kept dozing off and when i tried my very best to stay awake, i found myself unable to read pass a certain word...

the funny thing was this - i did not stay up late nor did i change my sleep patterns in recent days. 

hmmm...

end-of-10

this post marks the last day of our ten years together

it'll be our 10th anniversary tomorrow
this start of this decade-old relationship is gonna be a quiet one
i am not even sure if he remembers

end of 9 (start of 10), end of 8 (start of nine), end of 7 (start of 8), end of 6 (start of 7), end of 5 (start of 6), end of 4 , end of 3, reflective end of 2, and i did not blog anything during our anniversaries before that!

pic from http://cdn.mysitemyway.com/

oa

i finally visited to my family doctor.

apart from the usual sore throat, cough, body aches, feverish feeling, etc, i told the doctor about the stabbing pain i had been feeling at my left knee cap since a week ago. he asked a couple of questions, took a look and simply said he suspected it was oa (ostheo-athritis), something that people in their late-40s and above are susceptible to. it's a natural process of aging, especially amongst people who exercise... well, his response was not unexpected. i was not the least affected by it for i have already accepted that such issues would appear as i age. so... i supposed the days of intense exercise is never gonna come back for me.

so for now, let's just say i have another issue to manage.

:-)

medical leave

i felt so disturbed this week at my workplace and i finally decided to take an mc for tomorrow. well, of course, i was able to do so cos i have been feeling rather sickly for the past couple of days and had been drowning myself with lots and lots of water. so, i headed off to my family doctor who examined me and told me i needed to rest and gave me an mc even without me asking for it. but of course, this one day mc will likely go badly with my boss cos he mentioned before that anyone who is really sick would be awarded 3 days mc, and thus a person would be skiving/ malingering if he/ she was to be given anything less than that. but i couldn't care less. as i said, i felt too disturbed.

yes, disturbed. and if i might add, drained and unmotivated. heading to work these days seemed so much like a chore and i literally had to drag myself to work every morning. and the reason why i felt disturbed this week was because of an incident 2 days ago. it involved a colleague of mine whom my boss didn't like. he screamed at her for some things that he felt didn't meet his standard and when she tried to explain the details and the history behind the issue, he used words like "you are a liar! and you consistently lie to me! you tried to cover up for many things and gave favours to your friends..." well, of course, these allegations were totally not true as far as i was aware. i felt he had gone overboard. as for my colleague, she simply kept quiet despite all his allegations and abusive words.

i had been coaching this colleague of mine and i could sense her anger, but she kept her cool and did not respond. i finally had a talk and shared my views with her yesterday. i thought she should have at least respond to him and not kept quiet. by keeping quiet, she had indirectly given him the unintended message that he was right. this incident reminded me of a similar one where he called me a liar. I simply told him i didn't agree and that he could verify the details by asking around, which he did not. anyway, her response to my sharing was not unexpected for she said she didn't want to agitate him further, and that she needed the job. but she did admit that she almost wanted to throw her resignation on the spot but had controlled herself.

this was but one of the several scolding sessions i witnessed this past couple of days and i was rather affected by it. in fact, i was at the point of wanting to just walk away and not head back to office. yup, that was how i felt. 

so, i needed the break. 

i needed the mc. 

are you japanese?

an interesting thing happened to me monday morning on my way to work. i walked out of my back gate and a lady asked me "are you japanese?"

hmmm... i supposed it was because i had had a haircut the night before where i cropped my own hair really short. i wanted to keep my head cool in this terribly hot and humid weather. so...

anyway, watashiwa shingapōrudesu!

lol!

ps: perhaps, i should have just replied - oh, i am not, but i certainly love to watch japanese porn! lol!

hot & humid

it's so bloody hot and humid these days! and it's so bad, i could sleep in the nude with my fan blasting at me and still wake up with my whole body feeling all sticky with perspiration! ok, i have exaggerated a little here. i do cover myself with my comforter when i sleep. but yeah... it is so terribly warm and humid these days and it's expected to get warmer...

darned!

home, the animation

watched this show last night as i wanted something light and uplifting. but guess what? i ended up sleeping through half the show. was just too tired. then again, for the parts that i caught when i was awake, i actually enjoyed it.

:-)

happier & better

"let no one ever come to you without leaving feeling better & happier..." 

this is something i have tried to live by for as long as i possibly could and thus the sentence in the quote above that resonated with me; especially currently when i am facing a lot of hostility from some people. 

and i can say - this is easier said than done. nonetheless, it is always important to try, and even more importantly, to make it a habit. as for me, i am still trying and am not successful all the time. and i say so because for people who are hostile to me, i cannot do it. the most i can be is neutral. how to make them feel happy or better if in the first place, i myself get trashed by them and in the course of it, feel shitty. so in such situations, if i cannot make them happy or better, the least i can do is to just ignore and walk away. it would at least minimise the possibility of getting myself flustered.

lilting 2014

chong send me this link on tuesday but i did not watch it until thursday night. and once i started, i couldn't stop and by the time i ended, i was 1-plus in the morning. it was such a touching and intimate film and captured the process of how a mother and a partner both came to terms with the death of a son/ partner, and how they connected despite the differences in culture and the language barrier.

was told to prepare tissue paper before i watched but i did not cry. i did not even tear nor feel a lump in my throat. i watched it from a third person point of view and constantly reminded myself that it was a show. and although i was moved by the show and the story that unfolded, i must add that i found it rather regretful that yet again, we have a gay-themed story that had a tragic story line. all gay-themed stories i have watched tend to be negative in nature. perhaps this reflects the current state of acceptance of gay men in the society. 

it's sad, but positively thinking, compared to what it was like some 20-over years ago, i think we have progressed much. and i think we will come to a time where gays and straights can coexist side-by-side, with full acceptance by all. but i think i will not live to see that day.

watch the full movie via this link or cut and paste the following onto your browser:
http://movhd.pw/hd/play.php?movie=2560102

:-)

torn cartilage?

went for a jog thursday night and couldn't sleep after that. 

whenever i turn in bed, my left knee cap would experience this sharp pain and i would be jolted from my sleep. i suspect i might have torn my cartilage. but well, let's wait for a couple of days before i decide if i should see the doctor.

sighs... seems like there're lots of medical issues these days..

:-(

pitiful him

after working with this boss for 4 months, and having to suffer his daily downloading on people, i have observed a certain trend in his behavior. he likes to direct his tensions at 2 of my colleagues. for me, i have learned to avoid any verbal exchanges with him, choosing to instead communicate with him via emails, and even then only when absolutely necessary. this is becos whenever i speak with him, he'll end up screaming at me. and as for emails, he has a tendency to reply me (and keeping all other addressees out) and tell me how to reply, even if he's in the cc list. it's quite irksome, especially when i am a senior person myself. also, he has his 2 super favourite staff and always talks to them very nicely, and for that matter, side with them even if they do super duper glaring mistakes. outright favoritism.

and after observing this behavior, i now pity him. he is a highly strung person and i suspect he will one day die of stress, if not of a massive heart attack or go crazy from anxiety, or paranoia. and i say this becos he is superbly anxious about things, always suspect people want to cheat the system, and always thinks that people are out to harm him. just yesterday, i have a colleague who sent an email seeking advice about how to go about applying for a training course. now, the course is rather expensive and thus, i did some checks and consulted him (my boss) about a training bond. well, as to be expected, he asked tons of questions to which i did some search in the internet and responded to him with the details. he quickly replied that the link i provided was not appropriate and that the department was taking me for a ride with the intent to cheat the system. sensing potential tensions, i walked to his office (much as i hated to do and have all these while avoided doing) and explained to him the whole background behind this training application.

and his starting point was - why is the department asking for a course for these 2 persons? these 2 must be recently recruited right (his assumption)? and he went on to to conclude - see! our hiring process is totally screwed up. but when i reverted to him that these are staff who had been with the company for 4-5 years, he then asked - why apply for such course now? how did the company lasted 4-5 years and suddenly want to send staff for this course? and he quickly and angrily added that he found it unacceptable that the bloody department is blaming hr for the screw up, etc (again, his own assumption). and before i could even explain, he then went on to alleged that the manager must be making use of the opportunity to give something to them because they didn't do well in their performance grading and now using such courses to cover up for his inability to give them a good ranking (again, his assumptions cos i know for a fact that these 2 staff are very good)? and then with all these assumptions that he concluded was the real reasons, he went on and screamed at me for not managing this whole process well and that i am allowing people to cheat the system. and he went on and on about how i should handle such people, how i should... his didn't allow me to interject and his one-directional conversation with me was intersperse words that were deliver with a tensed up face and with his teeth clenched and fist banging on his table. 

the whole conversation was totally off. i simply stood there, initially trying to be assertive but finally just letting him went on and on and on and getting himself all flustered for totally no reasons. and when he paused for a moment, i simply replied him that i hear him and i will check with the department if this is a training that is compulsory and required by regulators, cos if it was, then we have not further say but to send them for the training.

this was but one simple example of how conversations with him always moved in such directions because of his own assumptions. really, i pity him. i mean, i can and have to a certain extend, learned to ignore him and his total nonsense as well as his very clear favouritism, but i know for a fact that if he continue to be this way, he will one day kill himself. and much as i do not wish to see such things happen to him, i also know it is not the right time, place nor appropriate for me (and for that matter, i am not the right person) to give him any advice. 

i simply wish him peace.

daisy

daisy, the family dog of a long time friend, died this morning. she was 15. i had watched her grow over the years. witnessed how the little chow chow grew from a playful little puppy into one fussy young dog who growled and barked at me when i tried to pat her (she obviously didn't find me too appealing and i guessed she might have smelled sapphie's scent on me) to a grand old dame that chose to simply lie on her tummy, forelegs stretched forward and hind legs stretched straight backwards, day-in and day-out. and over the last two years, she wouldn't even bother to respond when i went near her. and when i scratched her neck, she would simply stay still, eyes looked upwards at me and wagged her tail weakly.

this morning, i got a text message from my friend asking if i have a vet where they could bring daisy to. apparently, she had barked in the morning and seemed agitated. and within a few hours, she got so weak she couldn't move and her stomach was bloated. i gave the contact of the vet but even before the family could react, daisy passed away. i felt so sad to hear of the news. daisy might not be my pet, but i had watched her grow and she was family.

but i was gladdened by the fact that my friend's two children, who had been overseas attending boarding school, had returned and the whole family was with her when she passed away. i guessed she must have waited for the kids' return cos one of them (who is about the same age as daisy literally grew up with her and was really close to daisy) had been away the last 2 years and had returned for her term break. but well... it was the two kids' first experience with death and grief.

may she rest in peace...

will miss her.

lessons learned - about ourselves

i reflected quite a lot about the lessons i learned from the south asians in my earlier post. and when i looked at ourselves, i realised how ugly we can be/ have been. these were some of the things i was reminded about in contrast - and i wanna qualify here - not all singaporeans are like this, in fact i choose to hope and believe that it is the minority. but regrettably, it was these minority's behaviour that was amplified through the media to give that impression that singaporeans are xenophobic. similarly, i choose to believe not all foreign workers behave badly but for the few who made it to the headlines, they regrettably amplify the perception that all foreign workers misbehave and do so terribly. but yeah, here are some points that i felt regretful about some of the things i have observed of singaporeans in general...

singaporeans have become self-centric

and this phenomenon has resulted in singaporeans who do not band nor play together unless they are required to. it is so contrasting compared to the years passed where we are more communalistic. a generation ago, we were poor, we survived by being frugal, by having the gotong royong, communalistic-, kampong-spirit attitude. we support one another, regardless of language, religion or race. we respect one another. when i was a toddler, it was already the post-racial riots periods and we had learnt the hard lessons about not respecting our differences. so, coming together was natural for us. not anymore. and i think our design of our houses and public space contributed to this. let me share further.

• privacy vs interactions. in our attempts to make our homes safe, we have actively promoted designs that favours privacy instead of promoting interactions. added to this, we screw ourselves up by planning for common spaces at places where people don't interact naturally. just look at void decks. when we started, void decks were void of homes so that people can interact, but we realised that void decks are totally void of anything and we now use it for facilities like old age homes, rehabilitation centers, etc.  

• pressure of needs. to cater to convenience and in the name of upgrading, we built lifts for people on all floors. while this was also a natural thing given the aging populations, etc, this compounded to the challenges of getting people to interact! and over time, we have people who no longer identify with the people living around them. instead, many of the people we interact with when we are home now exists in cyberspace and not our neighbours.  

singaporeans have become greedy

associated with the above is greed. many singaporeans have this "i, me, myself" thinking these days. many have this self-above-community attitude. as a result, the "me" and "this is mine" attitude brings out the worst in a person. and this is made worst by the fact that singaporeans are, in general, "kiasu" (afraid to lose out to others). personally, i think being kiasu can be a virtue, such as when we are kiasu as a team but at the individual-level, accommodating and supportive. that was perhaps what we were years ago and that was perhaps what made us progress as one people, and one nation. but today, we are kiasu in a self-centred manner. yup, self-above-community as i stated above. i can go on about this topic and i can cover things like how egoistic we are, how we are so conscious about status, etc. but i shan't. it is too loaded a topic to go into.

well, don't you agree with what i wrote? sounds bad right? i am sure every single singaporean can see parts of themselves in what i wrote above. i also believe many would openly deny it but secretly admit to it. 

no? 

:-)

lessoned learned - about & from them

i have not properly synthesised my reflections and the points below are rather off-the-cuff. as mentioned, the context here was - a group of south asians walking away from the undeveloped site after their game of cricket and a few of them broke away from the group, bade their farewells and walked/ or cycled past me and headed towards my estate. the remaining of the group continued walking towards the construction site (presumably construction workers). this happened sunday morning after my morning walk as i was walking home.

a quite few things hit me after the event, and they were:

• these people were obviously from different background and worked in different industries (judging from the direction they were heading) yet came together to play games. it was interesting and it was something that i probably will not be able to see happening amongst singaporeans, apart from national service and even then, it was a case of a mandatory requirement and not voluntary as what i saw here. and from this, i learned about togetherness without class-distinction, of social support, of playing together, of coming together to celebrate the simple fact that they are a family, away from their family. and from here, i also learned about the power of games and its ability to bring people together.

• from the south asians working and (presumably) staying in the construction sites, i have seen many of them harvesting little fishes from the canal for food previously and i have seen how they lived modestly, ate simply and still are cheerful as they go about their routines of living their life after work. and for many, if not all of these individuals, they had left everything behind, embraced the new environment and make the best of their stay here in the most frugal manner in order to support themselves and their families back home. and most importantly, i see them having fun as they went about doing their daily little activities, be it harvesting fishes, eating or simply sitting by the roadside and enjoying the stars. from this, i learned about adaptiveness, frugality, resourcefulness and making the best out of life. it reminded me of this little phrase, when life throws lemon at you, make lemonade.

these are things we don't see frequently nor being publicized in the media. they are not newsworthy. but these close-up views and insights into their lives allowed me to learn some stuff from them that also made me very thankful to them. they are, in essence, the modern version of the samsui woman and they share the same motivations and characteristics as the samsui woman of days passed. do they not also embody the values of handwork, frugality, sacrifices, strength and if i may add, resilience? are they also not the silent teachers amongst us?

well, of course you may argue that i am reading too much cos these people are just simply coming here to earn a living and then to move on. and from this perspective, do not deserve being framed in such noble manner, much less a silent teacher! perhaps so, but certainly they do deserve our respect as much as those in the teaching profession right? and oh, i was also reminded of this one other buddhist phrase i read somewhere - that the teacher will appear when the student is ready. and i dare say, lessons are all over for us to learn, we just need to open our eyes and our hearts to it. for when we can do so, life is full of lessons to be learned.

and for that moments sunday morning, i learned a lot from these south asians.

thank you.

the samsui woman

today, whenever we talk about the people involved in building the country, we remember political figures such as the late lee kuan yew, toh chin chye, rajaratnam and so on. we also fondly remember the silent workers, the nurses, the labourers and significantly, the samsui women. the latter comprised a community of women who toiled a significant part of their life doing simple labourer jobs like carrying bricks to aid builders of yesteryears and they are recognised by their signature red-cloth headgear.

all of them came from china to earn a living and many left the job and went back to china when the demand for them dwindled. a few stayed behind and are in their 70s or 80s today, if they are still alive. we recall them affectionately whenever we talk about the early years of singapore.  and we continue to reflect on their contributions whenever we talk about values - values such as commitment, hardwork, sacrifices, strength and for that matter, female independence.

fast forward to 2000s, we continue to build the country at a neck-breaking pace. singapore is no longer a third world country, but a developed metropolis that enjoy one of the highest standard of living in the world. and instead of samsui women, we now have construction site workers from all over asia and they include bangladeshis, chinese, koreans, indians, etc. visually, we can probably group them into two based on their skin tone - dark-skinned south asians that came from india or bangladesh and the fair-skinned central and northern asians from china, korea and to a smaller extent, japan. most of the former work as construction workers whereas for the latter, koreans and japanese tend to be of the executive and supervisory-grades whereas chinese tend to be employed as construction workers.

i know it is not fair to generalise but when we see them from afar, the tendency for us is to generalise based on visual features and associate them with the characteristics of what we know of indians and chinese (given that chinese are the largest number represented here). and a clear example was when my mum tried using malay to speak to a bangladeshi worker sometime back. he couldn't understand her and replied her in english "ah ma, you speak malay i cannot understand". haha! over the last couple of years, we also see the extra negative publicity created by small numbers of such workers and that created quite a bit of xenophobic reactions from some singaporeans.

it was against this backdrop that i started my reflections - construction workers, same job functions, same place, different time, different people.

picture from https://farm9.staticflickr.com/

my sunday reflections

i went for a walk-a-jog around my estate earlier and saw some south asians playing cricket at an undeveloped site. i assumed they were construction workers from the construction sites nearby and didn't think twice about it. as i walked home, i saw a couple of the individuals cycled away and i was quite surprised to see these few cycling past me and towards the direction of my estate (instead of heading towards the construction site) as they bade farewell to the rest of the group.

this inspired quite a few reflections on my part and i shall capture them in 3 parts:

• the samsui woman
• lessons learned - about & from them
• lessons learned - about ourselves

read on...

cooling me down

i downed 2 huge glasses of antelope horn's drink this morning. and now, just before heading to bed (and thanks to steve's suggestion), i have just downed a can of beer. beer has this effect of cooling me down whenever i feel heaty. and certainly, the slight high it gives me is a most welcoming effect too. especially in my current state of mind. so... yeah...

am fe  el  i   n    ga l        itt l  e    l      igh   t-h    ead  e   d    no   w.

l   e t's hop e i d on't wa   k e up t ooo      ft   e n t o p  e  e l ate   r on!

h  ah          a.

maintaining the peace

as an introvert, it is all so easy to just keep quiet and just feel the presence. perhaps this is the best way to prevent misunderstanding. i need not make any effort to make conversations. in fact, i might have killed my urge to do so. and at this moment as i type this entry, i am reminded of the question - is it easier to love or to be loved? really, for me now, it's not a matter of easy or not. when the heart is there, anything is possible - whether it is to love or to be loved. rather, the issue and the challenge is - regardless of love or to be loved, how to avoid misunderstanding and maintain the peace.

agree?

new relationship

and so i ended my relationship yesterday and started my life with a new one. oh, i am talking about my car. after hesitating for years and refusing to change my car despite the frequent breakdowns, i continued to hold on to it. being sentimental about it given the long duration it had been with me, and the hassle to have to go through the process of change and to get use to a new one were some of the reasons that made me continue to hold on to it. but finally and surely, the relationship ended yesterday. damned, this paragraph from the third sentences onwards can be used to describe many relationships between two persons too, regardless of sexuality! haha... anyway...

friday evening i went to the car dealer for the final hand over of my previous car and to take over the new (used) car. there were lots of documentations to be done - insurance, car loans, neutral party vehicle check reports, etc. after all the documentations were done and payment made, i formally took over the car.

we walked to the car. it sparkled from afar. they had spruced up the exterior of the car, waxed the body, shined the sports rim, polished the tyres, changed the car plate, and so on. as for the interior, i was hit by the lemon scent once i entered the car. and under the brightness of the day (as opposed to the dim and darkened skies when i went to view the car), i saw small flaws here and there. scratches on the window, minor dents on the body, little knocks here and there. i pointed them out to the sales agent and he was also taken aback. oh, these are things we have missed out too, he murmured. well, i didn't make a fuss. after all, it was a used car, slightly more than 5-years for that matter. and thus, it wouldn't be fair for me to expect it to be flawless. otherwise, i noted it was well cleaned.

and i must add this - the lemon scent was rather refreshing. it was a whole lot better than the smell i experienced when i test drove it monday. most old cars tend to have this cigarette smell in them and as for this car, when i first entered it and switched on the air-con, the pong really hit me. well, actually it was a smell not unfamiliar to me. it smelled so much of cum! yes, cum, human sperm. no joke. for a quick moment, it felt like i was in a car where someone had just cummed big time. you know, the lingering smell after one orgasmed (or "orr-gassed" as some would call it) during car sex? well, that did not distract me from my focus on the functionality of the car - was the engine ok? was the drive smooth? was the drive quiet? did the engine emit any weird sounds, etc. everything was ok. apart from the sperm smell. ok, i have digressed. now, back to the taking over of the car.

so, after all the checks, the car dealer showed me how to operate all the small details of the car and the accessories. and once all the checks were done,  i formally took over the car. mum went into it happily and soon enough, we were on our way for dinner.

it's the start of a new relationship. 

with a used car, that is.

:-)

overheated body system

i went to the tcm sinseh earlier. it was to follow-up on the treatment for my bad leg as well as to check out my recent general discomfort i had experienced.

he had planned to puncture my foot to release stagnant blood to relief the pains but didn't proceed with the procedure after i told him the pain had lessened. as for the discomfort, he checked my tongue, took my pulse, stared at me for a moment and exclaimed - your body has overheated! you need to cool it down. i will prescribe some medication to you to cool it. on top of that, you need to brew the antelope horn (羚羊水) and drink it over the next five days! and remember, double boil it for best effect. and oh, for that matter, it would be best if you can drink it until you get diarrhoea! you need to purge all the heat from your system!

i was kinda taken aback by his urgings. 5 days of antelope horn drinks? wow! i drink antelope horn drinks whenever i feel heaty and usually one bottle would do the trick. and now, he wants me to drink 5-days worth of it? wow wow wow! i must be totally overheating, i thought. perhaps that is why i have been feeling extremely thirsty lately, kidneys aching, body feeling all tensed up, yet coughing and sneezing at the same time. and added to that my face is breaking out!

and so, obedient me went to the medical shop and purchase the necessary ingredients. and darned! it was superbly expensive! then again, i kinda enjoy drinking antelope horn drinks. so... perhaps it is time to pamper myself.

:-)

sentimental

sdw3773p

it happened every time i change cars... 

and for this car, at this final moments, i can't help but feel a little sentimental about it. amongst the four cars i have own, only one other car had stayed with me for close to its full legal lifespan. the first one was my second car - a nissan sunny by the number sce5248h. and then this one, my fourth car and the only one that is korean and hatchback. added to that, this car was a result my being outed by mindef 10 years ago. i had to change to this car as i needed to cut down on my liabilities as i was afraid i would lost my job following that incident. and making this change even more significant was the fact that this car had inherited my previous car number - sdw3773p. all in, i had held on to this number for almost 13 years and i will be releasing this number too.

so... yeah, this car had gone through one helluva lot with me. and it felt kinda weird to be removing my items from it. bit by bit since yesterday. i supposed each and every one of us has bits of our personal stuff permanently in our cars as they are technically an extension of our private lives. for me, the items that i have permanently in car include my swimming gear, my sports shoes as well as my prayer beads. and as of today, i only have my prayer beads still hanging there. i will probably leave it there and simply transfer it to the next car tomorrow.

it felt kinda weird earlier just now when it dawned upon me that it was my second last trip on it. but yeah, time to let it go.

:-)

good to go...

got a call from the car dealer this afternoon.

car loan has been approved, car inspection by neutral party completed and given a grade "b" (i.e, all clear and satisfactory bill of health), so... yeah, the car will be handed over tomorrow evening. he will call and advice the details of what to bring for the hand-over/ take over of cars.

all good to go. to a new (second hand) start!

another car

and so, i decided to do what i needed to do. i bought another car. did my research over the weekend and noted this one particular car that met my criteria - 5-year old, low mileage, within my budget. wanted to head down to view the car on saturday but was told the car would only be available for viewing on monday. monday came and i went down to the shop, together with mum and the maid. took a look at it, mum said she likes it, did a test drive, and decided to get it on the spot. will likely get the car by this friday, if everything goes smoothly. also, i had decided to let go of my car plate number after having it for the last 12 years. thought it was not worth spending 1.3k to get it retained. after all the new number is rather nice too! 

this will be my 5th car.

:-)

car's new milestone

it happened when i was at the traffic junction of the zoo. the odometer jumped from 299,999 to 300,000km! a new milestone for my car. heh... and it struck me - my car is also old and perhaps the time's up. there is no more need to wait for the 2 more months to expire just to exhaust the 10-year lifespan it legally has. time to let it rest (in peace).

old car

i got my car repaired last week and then a day after getting it home, i had problems with my central lock. in fact, i couldn't open my door from inside and had to wind down my window so that i can open my door from outside. terrible right? but well, i told myself that with 2 months to go, i could survive with this little defect.

and then came the issue of difficulties starting the car. this got me very uncomfortable. i certainly do not want to risk getting stuck with my mum outside again. had happened a couple of times already and such experiences were not pleasant. not to mention, the hassle of arranging for the tow truck, the need to manage mum, and the cost of the repairs. i need to get out of this. and fast.

darned!

still around

let me start by thanking the few of my readers who either commented in my blog or texted me and encouraged me. it certainly helped me maintain a certain sense of sanity, knowing that there are people who cared enough to reach out, even if it meant a simple whatsapp message. i supposed my sadness (yes, probably not depression) was the result of everything coming together (relationship, mother, work, etc), and compounded by recent demise of mr lee that added to the pent up stress i had been withholding all these while.

it was not easy to convince myself to adopt a half-full glass view to things but i am trying very hard, both at work, and in my personal space. 

let's see how things pan out.

ps: and yes, this blog will continue to allow me to vent and to breath. so, it shall remain. 

blogs deleted

for the longest time, i had maintained 3 blogs. and yesterday, i deleted two of them.

one was dancer66.blogspot.com, the original url of this blog that i had used since i started blogging. i abandoned last year and transferred all the postings to this new url when my colleagues got wind of it and had trolled the net for it. i left it alone with only one post to direct my blog readers to this new url. since then, i noticed many had been redirected here from several blogs whose owners had included this url in their blogs. but i think it is time to let that blog rest.

the other was a private blog that i created many years back that i used to capture some of my innermost thoughts and feelings about people that matters to me. i have also, over time, deleted all the postings cos i think some things are better left in my own head and not in the blogosphere. no matter how private the security settings are, the fact remains that the postings are all stored in some servers somewhere. i think i can do without this.

and seriously, i contemplated deleting this blog and all the 4000-over posting too. it had been a decade since i started blogging and i had spend much time to capture almost all significant events of my life. but once in a while (like yesterday), i felt it was pointless to capture my thoughts. rather meaningless right? so what if i had capture my thoughts? it's not gonna change anything right? anyway... at the last moment, i did not click "delete". decided to leave it for now. after all, this is the only space left for me to talk.

let's see how things go.

depressed?

have been very unhappy lately.

at work, i have to contend with unhappy faces and an environment that changes according to the mood of my boss. and almost daily, we will see him talking down on some one, and that tenses me up. off work, i have to make sure people around me do not feel restricted. and at home, i have to constantly pretend to be cheerful and hide my actions so as not to cause my mum unnecessary mental tensions. lots of pretending and lots of hiding. just yesterday, i brought her to the hospital for her check-up and as she waited for her turn to see the doctor, i managed to excuse myself for a while to visit my uncle at the ward. i managed to do so after lying to mum i had to take my lunch. i cannot be natural, cannot be authentic, cannot be myself. and i need to suppress myself and live a life of pretence and lies. added to all these, i experience pains and discomfort physically. arghhh...

ok, am venting. as long i people are happy and as long as there is harmony, i suppose that is most important. i have to calm myself down and be positive. but i do sometimes wonder if am i showing signs of depression.

i really don't know.

peace

things has been relatively peaceful past weeks since i decided not to initiate conversations, not asking wru, what are you doing, etc. frankly, still adjusting and getting use it to as this is totally not me. asking such questions and wanting to know more about people is natural to me cos i care. but if by being so mean providing the space to do anything without feeling like i am looking over or i am unhappy, so be it.

so, i guess the reduction of tensions is good.

exhausted

i am not sure why but i have been feeling very exhausted and my kidney areas felt very tender lately. also my joints are painful, particularly around my ankle and sole areas. finding it very hard to walk properly too. i can only suspect it is my legs acting up again. based on my iphone app, i noted i chalked up and average of about 8-9km of walking daily over the past 2 weeks and the walking spiked over the last couple of days to about 11-12km each day. maybe that's why. you think? anyway, i have bought a new pair of office shoes. hopefully this new pair of shoes, with better support can hold my leg better.

let's see how things go.

got my car repaired

yup, got it repaired finally and it costed my $270. not too hefty a sum and i decided to proceed with it. will probably start looking around for a replacement car before deciding if i should get it.

:-)

2nd anniversary

today is my second anniversary with my company and was a quiet affair compared to last year. 

last year, my department colleagues commemorated it with a cake and we had a little get together at the pantry as we chatted and relaxed. this year, other than one colleague that send me a quiet text that simply read "happy 2nd anniversary", no one else actually noted. the team is no more and this current boss frowns on anything non-work. so much so that he even imposed strict lunch hour-timings on us. 

who cares what people impose right? but well, i still commemorated it by having a good lunch with another 2 colleagues. it had been a good 1 year 9 months, until this new boss came on board 3 months back. and as usual, i have met my personal target of staying minimally 2 years in a company before i leave. 

so...

:-)

carless

well, i've been carless since 3 days back and am still adjusting to it.

technically, although i have tried my very best to walk to work, i find myself invariably relying on bee to pick me for breakfast and then to send me to work. and on the few occasions when he didn't, i'll drive half the distance and park my car at the uni. this had been the pattern since the start of the year. and it helped me lots given me bad foot that hurt quite badly after walking a distance. two weeks ago, this routine ended. so, yeah... such habits, established after following a routine for 3 months, are difficult to change. need some adjustment to. it will be physically difficult and the pains in my feet has started acting up again. but i have to get use to it. old lesson relearnt. self-reliance.

now for walking home from work. i have always done it and so the loss of my car did not really impact me although the walking now aggravated the pain that had started again. i felt the loss most when it came to dinners and post-dinner activities. it had been this pattern for the last 4 years since i took care of mum. i would bring her out for dinners and to do some shopping after that. and on weekends, i'd bring her out to some parks, temples, breakfast etc. my life revolved around hers and the car was the only mean of transport me us. so... 

so... yeah. need to get use to this for now. i will call for the tow-truck tomorrow and await recommendations from the service centre if i should proceed with the repairs. if it turns out to be expensive, i will most probably scrape it. and then, i will decide if i should get a replacement car, used or otherwise.

:-)

my car died too

this past week, there were lotsa news about death and on saturday, my car died too.

haha... i decided not to do anything about it cos the last two times it happened, it somehow got ok after 2 days. so i decided to just wait things out. it has been 2 days and hmmm, it still has not decided to co-operate. and worst still, i observed a patch of oil on the floor below where the engine is. i will probably get a tow truck to tow it to the repair shop tomorrow. 

quite unwilling to do it actually, considering i only have 3 more months to go before i scrape it.

hmmm...

the final farewell

it was perhaps fitting that the sky mourned alongside many of us.

it poured and many stood, solemnly and patiently, as they awaited the final view of mr lee's hearse. 12.30pm came and the final farewell started. the guards of honour from the uniformed services from both the police and the armed forces marched ahead of the hearse, and with his family and pall bearers walking behind. all these as the rain continued pouring. it was heartbreaking. the military gave a fitting farewell march where the army honoured him with a 21-gun salute, the air force with a fly-past and the navy with a sail-past. crowds lined the streets, all of the more than the 15km-journey and shouted "lee kuan yew" as the hearse passed them. and just as it seemed to have been pre-planned, the sky cleared up when the hearse arrived at the university where the final eulogies were delivered.

the 7-day mourning period building up to this final hours had been most useful, useful for a fact that it provided the space for the nation to mourn and to grief. it was necessary, given that the nation and him shared a very strong and very special bond. over the last 2 days, i am beginning to see people composing light notes about their thoughts about his passing and some even were able to talk about moving forward and continuing with his legacies. the slow transition of the moods of the postings in the social media suggest to me that many are coming to terms with his passing.

and above all, i admire pm lee for being able to continue to show resilience and composure as he went about thanking singaporeans for their support, despite his own loss and the fact that he had just recently undergone an operation for his prostate cancer.

thank you pm lee, both the first and the current.

what have i given up? my life

there have been many articles about mr lee since his demise. many, especially from the western media, continue to decry his policies and his hard-handedness. common themes around the lack of individual freedom, dictatorship, authoritarian, etc continue to be featured. 

of course, these writers are entitled to their views. i can only say this - he is a man of his time, shaped by very unusually tumultuous circumstances present during his time. of wars, discriminations and threats. he did what he needed to do. and his motivation was not a selfish one. it was one that was in the interest of singapore. and as a person who had lived a huge part of my life under his premiership, i had benefited tremendously. and i had enjoyed one of the highest standard of living, of freedom, of safety, of security, of quality of life that, i dare say, comparable to most developed countries in the world.

even the skies mourn

perhaps it's a coincidence, but it is symbolic to me.

the day before he passed away (last sunday), the whole island experienced a thunderstorm. a storm so huge that many areas experienced floods. i was driving to my brother's place and had to negotiate quite a few roads where localised water-ponding had occurred. and at many stretches of the road, it was half-a-wheel deep and i feared my car would stall. that was really weird, considering we are in the midst of a dry spell and that we had not experienced rain for some many days. i wrote in my facebook then that "even the skies are crying". i had expected him to pass on that day and had hinted about it in this particular facebook status update, but felt it was not respectful to write it down.

he left us quietly that night. 3.18am. for the whole of the week, apart from a quick passing showers yesterday, the skies stayed dry. and it allowed the nation to mourn and to pay our respects to him.

today is his funeral. i brought mum out to breakfast and there was this eerie silence all around. many people had donned black, white or sombre colours. it was still early and some 4 hours to the funeral, but everyone was talking about it. and since morning, the skies was heavy with dark clouds, threatening to rain again. and as i type, light rain has started falling. i am really hoping the sky holds and that there would be no thunderstorm, at least until the funeral is over. but i am pessimistic about it. the skies are also mourning. despite this, i am sure many will brave the rain as they line the roads to bid him the final farewell.

:-(

things i avoid doing these days

these are some things i do not do these days and they include:

• asking "wru"
• asking "what are you doing"
• initiate conversations

perhaps this is for the better, at least for now, so as to avoid being misunderstood.

aging sapphie

these days, especially so over the last 2 months, sapphie my dog had been tapping on my bed at around 6-6.30am to wake me up. that was her way of telling me she needed to be brought out to pee. and not only that, she pees in the house at odd hours, out of her routine times almost every other 2 days. such occurrences suggest to me that the routine of bringing her down (to pee) trice a day - at 7.30am, 6.00pm and 9.30pm - no longer suffice and the frequency needs to be increased.

all these meant one thing - she is getting on with age and her ability to control her bladder is getting weaker with each passing days.

:-)

more bad news

added to the week of death-related news, here're a couple more negative news/ incidents/ stresses that i experienced over the week...

• my mum had a really bad fall on monday late afternoon and her whole face suffered bad bruises/ blue-black/ blood clots. also, her hands and knees were bloodied. she suffered terrible body aches as a result of the fall too.

• my brother was diagnosed with diabetes over the weekend. and i guessed it dawned upon him that he should start to do some exercises and to get into shape. he had starting very intensive walking and been more careful with his diet. let's hope his discipline lasts.

• my boss once again went into his abusive mood. not once but a couple of times. but this time round, it was directed towards my colleagues. yesterday, he screamed at her over a document she emailed him. apparently what she wrote didn't go well with him and he told her she must "think". and he shouted as he repeated the word "think". it was so loud many of us outside his office could hear. and it almost sounded like he was calling her stupid. such flare ups invariably create lots of tensions amongst every one in the department.

• i had almost 3 full days of training. hardly rested and as a result, my legs, my back and my whole body was sore like crazy.

hmmm. quite a terrible week ya? but well, i thought i managed relatively ok. at least i am still one piece. looking forward for this week to be over. can't wait for all the negativity to end. 

:-)