monday crankiness

first thing this morning once i got up, my mum asked me where was the packet of preserved prunes that my sis-in-law gave. told her i had kept it in the fridge and she immediately asked me to bring it out and ordered me not to eat them. said she would bring the pack to her rehab center to offer to the people there...

now, this is super weird cos mum was never one who would offer anyone anything. to her, everyone is selfish and greedy and one should not offer anything to anyone, not even something as simple or as cheap as preserved prunes. and that was when i knew her mind was playing tricks on her again... and i asked if it was becos the prunes were given by my sis-in-law (mum has this delusionary thoughts about my sis-in-law wanting to kill her all the time. she would refuse any food or drinks my sis-in-law offer as she believed strongly that my sis-in-law would cast evil black magic spells onto these things to harm her). when i asked her that, her face suddenly turned serious and with half-closed eyes, and a very low and cautious voice, she said - you make sure you don't eat the prune ok? it is from her (as she used her finger and pointed into the air) and i tell you this, she is in cahoots with the 2 persons who almost caused your dad and i to divorce...

i almost lost my cool that very moment. this story is not new. and i was so sick of hearing this again and again. there is no way my sis-in-law would get to know "the 2 persons" cos they are characters of my mum's distant past and are probably dead by now! i had to keep reminding myself to keep cool and not get angry. decided that i should just quickly change up and head to office...

arghhhh!

long outing

sunday was an interesting day. lots of traveling. 

it day started with me bringing my mum out to bedok for breakfast. and along the way, she started talking about heading to my brother's place. but through the whole duration of the breakfast, we couldn't get through to my brother or his wife. and so we drove home. i told mum i wanted to head to the pool for a swim and she said she wanted to follow... ended up, we arrived home and i wheeled her to the poolside while i do my swim (damned! it's been so long since i last swam, i was panting like crazy and my arms started aching by the time i completed my 6th lap! and it's the 30m lap! ekes! compared to me swimming 43 x 50m laps when i hit my 43rd birthday) ok, back to sunday morning... so, as i was swimming, my sis-in-law called and said she was home... and immediately after my swim, my mum said she wanted to head to her house... and so... yup, we travelled 3/4 the length of this merlion land to visit and play with my niece. by the time we got home, it was late afternoon...

i think i might have traveled more than 150km on sunday itself! come to think of it, it is quite an expensive affair to maintain my mum, considering all the traveling i do daily, especially on weekends.

heh...

blog hits all time high

jul 12 is a breakthrough for this humble blog of mine. the readership hit rate for this month surpassed all previous months since i started this blog a couple of years back. 

:-)

training conduct

today's training for the company's top 30 people went well. stretched a little longer than expected, but it went well... and interestingly enough, my big boss called me to his office before the training start and apologize for being a little too short fuze on friday. it was the kinda in passing kinda apology, but i think coming from him, any sorry is really really rare... so... yup, i supposed from this angle, things kinda move quite ok today.

still, that does not mean i am gonna stay in this company. have decided to move on. it's a matter of when.

wasted saturday

... !;*&%^&*$(!! 5:=+(£!;//??&"@&!

tendering

i will likely be rendering this coming week. if not, following week... even though i have not found a job...

picture from http://www.jobsite.com/guides/resigning-job/

chinese? malay?

i have observed this very interesting trend since young... people i don't know tend to speak to me in malay when i was a boy. but these days, when i speak to any malays using the malay language, they would give me the "wa-wtf-you-can-speak-our-language" look... but after the initial momentary look, they would accord me with extra niceties... after all, speaking another person's language is the first start to breaking the cultural barriers right?

as for chinese people, they would speak to me in mandarin. well, the mandarin part is not surprising considering mandarin as the binding language amongst all the different chinese ethnic groups in singapore. but what's interesting is that for the elder generation, they would use teochew when they converse with me! thank goodness i can hold the conversation although i am not teochew heh heh...

ps: for the record, my dad is zhao ann hokkien, whereas my mum is melaka peranakan hokkien. so, i supposed that made me at least 3/4 hokkien? heh!

scolding

haha... as expected, kenah scolding again. presented a process flow and before i know it, kenah non-stop of verbal bashing. in the end, my big boss told me what he wants. not what my ground survey said... a classic and all-the-time case of just do, don't be smart... at the end of the scolding, he said "my heart bleeds for you..." wa... what kinda liner is that from a boss. no guidance and when brief him to get guidance, kenah butter... and he always breath down on us - as managers, you must coach your staff! chey, it would be good to lead by example! damn it!

made me lagi more resolved to go...

feverish

feeling feverish now and my throat is getting bad again... let's hope it doesn't get worst tomorrow...

graduation

just got an sms from my second sis... it came with the picture of my niece's uni convocation (the second eldest amongst all my nieces)! wa... 4 years ago, i got my master degree and now, my second niece got her bachelor (the eldest got hers last year). seriously, how come people are growing so fast? it was not too long ago when i was just cradling her in my arms! oh wait... it also means i am growing old fast too! damned! heh heh... it's not the age baby, it's the state of mind... (and no, this is not self-consolation)... 

whatever... 

it's a happy occasion for my niece! so proud of her!

:-)

facial

was on mc today for bad throat and body aches (i think a flu is coming). but went back to work nonetheless. by pm, i was totally screwed and decided i needed to get out of office. i was on mc after all. and so, i went for a facial instead (the real one ok... hmmm, still, i think that did not come out quite right... nevermind)...

i had a good rest.

:-)

bombshell

kenah a bombshell to conduct 2 major presentations next monday and have been busy preparing the slides this whole week. gonna see my big boss with the slides tomorrow and i bet he is going to scold me again. so not looking forward to it. just my mindset i supposed... but hey, i supposed the positive way to see it is that i will be busy this weekend. and thus, it will pass very fast.

i think i am crazy. uncle siao liao!

ha!

roar!!!

reconnected with a dear friend, edmund, today after a couple of years of absence... victims of technology. lost phone, lost contact, lost friend... and so, technology came to the rescue, got into facebook and before i know it, all my previous facebook die hard friends appeared. well, will not friend them yet. let me go slow this time round. anyway, i saw him and requested for friend a couple of days back. and he roared into my phone today - his smses to me previously usually started with "roar!" 

haha... it's good to reconnect!

nice!

"separated"

bee and i have this interesting arrangement now. my mum suffers paranoia and is paranoid of him and his mum (although she has never seen his mum before). also, my mum feels strongly that it is very suay for him to visit us now and that he can only do so 100 days after his dad pass away. and mum will be very suspicious and pays extra attention to what i say when i talk to bee on the phone.

and so... we literally cannot meet (at least in the presence of mum)... and given that she is also suspicious of me when i step out of the house, the only times i can have some respite from her is when i go to work or when i bring sapphie down to pee... and so, each other evening, when i bring sapphie down for her before bedtime pee, bee would drive over (thankfully he has a car now) and we would meet at the car park to chat for about 10-15min. and i would have to quickly rush home just in case mum gets out of bed and go bonkers when she finds me not around...

sighs...

good interview

for a start, i wouldn't call it an interview. rather, it was more of a chit chat session with the headhunter company. the appointment was at 3pm and the weather was so damned bloody warm i was literally wet with perspiration! and so i decided against wearing a tie. decided that i would go with my business wear - simply my long sleeve shirt, and pants... well, ok, ok, it was that kind of slim-cut long sleeve shirt with a stylo-mylo collar complete with cuff-links. convinced myself that i would instead be exuding confidence by walking in without a tie. screw all the recommendations to wear formally when meeting a headhunter. damned, the weather was just too warm! well...

i arrived. click on the door buzzer, and the secretary opened the door... she looked surprised (macam the kinda "who the hell is this person who comes without a tie" kinda look... ok, don't ask me how she looked like...) and ushered me to an interview room. hmmm... it came with lounge chairs. not the kinda office chairs... hmmm, not good. not good at all. with my slim-cut shirt, sitting in such chairs would mean my buttons will stretch and my tummy will be exposed! eeks... no, cannot do! i need to suck in my stomach! hahaha... better not sit so quickly. and so, i stood in the air-con room and waited for about 10min before the lady walked in. i supposed she was surprised by my lack of tie but well, the whole conversation started off very well and smooth and before long, we were literally chatting quite heartily about the opportunity. it was a good hour-long chat. no stress. and when it ended, she told me to wait for a response to see if the company will be keen to pursue with a formal interview. and i could see she was very keen to push me through.  

heh heh... i thought it went pretty well. but as i said, i went without expectations. this interview came from out of the blue. if it happens, it happens. if it doesn't, well, i am not gonna be terribly upset by it. life goes on! 

:-)

ps: it was so coincidental that the incumbent of the position in discussion actually interviewed me 2 years ago... if i had been successful then, i would be a staff in his set-up now and probably will not be looking at taking over him instead! what an interesting twist of events! wa! then again, i am talking like as though i have been cleared for the job... chey! haha!

normal again

after 2 days of not talking and hunger strike, mum is back to normal, like as though nothing ever happened. and so, we went about our daily routine again. after work, dinner, after dinner, shopping... and then come home, watch a bit of tv, give her her medications and then she headed to her room to sleep. but well, one little sign that suggests she is still a little not normal - she asked me if i was going out again before she went to sleep... a sure sign of her insecurities...

well, it's a good start, nonetheless.

job interview

out of no where, i got a call from a headhunter asking me if i am keen for a job opportunity... and i'll be meeting up with them tomorrow to find out more. call it an interview if you want... macam drop from the sky one... then again, no expectations. just that it did certainly got me going. managed to review and update my resume! good start i supposed.

:-)

huh!?!

there's one thing that i cannot understand and it's this - why do people walk in front of a food store, look at the pictures and asked the food seller "ahhh... this one good to eat a-not har?"

wa!!! what would you expect the food seller to say right? "no good"? chey!

hahaha...

awake

woke up at 4am and have been tossing and turning since... wtf!

mum's unwarranted fears

my mum suffers from paranoia and delusion. she constantly believes people are out to kill her and are highly suspicious of people around her, especially people outside the family (regardless of how long she had known them). and since moving to my place, she believes bee and his mum are out to take over my property and that they are out to kill her cos she is in their way of achieving what they want. and she also believes that i have already been placed under a spell and brainwashed by bee's mum's magic potion.

and there is no way you can convince her of anything different once she decided that what she believe in is the truth. for example, last friday evening i did not bring her out for dinner (i was tasked to organize a company dinner) and on saturday, i did not bring her out for lunch (i met up with my old nsf friend). and by the time sunday comes, when i told her i would be heading out to get the info out of my old laptop that had gone kapoot, she went totally bonkers... when i eventually told her i will not go out given her insecurities, she got angry with me and went on a hunger strike (or well, she would not go out for meals with me). i learned from my sis earlier that my mum believed for the past few days, i had continuously gone to bee's house to plan how to kill her and to get rid of her. no amount of explanation can convince her otherwise. if there is one thing i have learned over the last year of managing her, it is this - to maintain my sanity, i must ignore her illogical thoughts and just carry on life as per normal... and that was what i did today. 

sighs... 

religion & i - part 1

thought about the topic of how i got to know buddhism and decided to expand this topic a little bit cos my diving into buddhism is but a part of the overall journey i took to look for myself. and this journey included my experiences with other faiths.

i was born into a taoist family. rather, the religion that was practiced by my family was that kind taoist that is fused with some buddhistic practices... or well, you can also call it buddhist with strong taoist influence. whatever it is, it is neither full taoist nor buddhist. bottom-line is - it is very culturally influenced with no clear distinction to what is the philosophies or the practices behind either one of the faith. that, i supposed is the brand of toast/ buddhist that is common in this part of the world - southeast asia, more specifically, malaysia and singapore. so since young, i was involved in a lot of rituals, practices, etc. and i take it as part and parcel of my life. no questions asked. after all, at that young age back in those days, we existed at the level of action and not in logic. also, there was no distinction between religion, race and culture to me. they are just part and parcel of life, all bundled in one. and living in a kampong that was predominantly chinese and a few indians, my concept of religion, race and culture can be summarized as follows: chinese = buddhist/ taoist that all they practice was similar to what i was familiar with and taken to be a fact of life, and indians = priests with drawing of white stripes and patterns on their heads, indian gods that wielded powers of fire and weapons that can turn into cobras (that eat other cobras too). other than that, i was quite lost about christianity and islam...

my first exposure to christianity was when i was in primary school. my second sis would invite her friends over to my house for bible studies. and that usually would end up with my mum getting upset and arguments would ensue... "you don't talk about ya-sor or any hong kau seen (christian god) in my house, my tng lang seen (chinese gods) will be very upset!" my mum would argue. notably in her arguments, there was no distinction between race, culture and religion! and my sis, in all her teenage rebellious nature, would organize more of such sessions. ultimately, i supposed my mum relented cos, after all, her daughter would be married off... but as for her sons, she warned, you better not embrace christianity... i sometimes wonder if her restrictions were becos she was afraid no one would conduct the final rites for her and my dad when their time come. by the time i got into secondary school, i "became" a christian unknowingly! haha... it was a trend kinda thing. well, to be specific, not a trend to become a christian, but rather, the trend of joining youth groups. i didn't even know what these groups were except that on a regular basis, people from outside school would come to my school, call my friends to a quiet corner of my school and talk to them. their behavior was rather secretive. my curiosity led me to find out that they were there to save us and once saved, we would be part of a certain youth movement group. but we were warned that we cannot tell people about their presence and we were to keep their recruitment efforts undercover. and once we agree to let them save us, we would be put through a simple ritual to recite some sentences. as in all youths who yearns conformance to a certain trend, i agreed when i was asked and was quickly ushered to a quiet corner of the school. underneath a big shady tree, i was asked to clasp my palms together and recite a prayer... after that, i was welcomed formally into the faith and from then on, i was pressured to attend church... i didn't. that whole secretive process did not make sense to me. and to a secondary school science student, logic is important to me.  

i learned more about the islamic faith when i moved into marine parade in 1974. my neighbor was a muslim family and i attended a malay secondary school from 1979-1982. i did not have any major cultural issues with malays due to my mum's peranakan roots. thus, interacting and assimilating into the malay culture was almost a second nature to me. in tandem with my increased interactions with my malay friends, i got to know of their daily practices and their religion eventually. i even learned how to read arabic! of cos, i must add that my experiences and understanding of the malay/ muslim community were laced with a lot of malay superstitions, urban legends and folklores such as the orang minyak, pontianak, and so on... it was until my post-secondary school days when i took the efforts to read up more about islam before i could appreciate islamic teachings better.

well, that was race, religion and culture to me in my early years. all bundled into one. and frankly, until i was introduced to christianity, that made religion a little bit of a hush hush thing, i had never questioned the distinction between race, religion and culture. all we know is that as a community, we all have different cultures and religions, and for us to live happily amongst each other, we need to respect each others space.

coming out to an old friend

went for lunch with an old friend, someone who served in the same unit as me during our nsf days. i believe he had always suspected me but i see no need to confirm or deny it. he didn't ask, and i didn't see the need to tell. as for me, i know he is gay all these while. then again, as i said, it is not important.  anyway, recently decided to come out to him. no reasons at all, just thought it is something nice to do in view of our quarter-decade old friendship. and so, i dropped him a mail with my blog url recently. but as fate would have it, he couldn't access it as he is currently based in china. and i left it as that. and last week, i was so surprise to receive an sms from him asking to meet up for a meal over the weekend.

we met eventually and from the way he reached out and gave me a hug, i knew he knew. well... other than that we did not speak too much about our sexuality. we went for lunch, and we chatted... and we went for coffee after lunch. and that was where he asked this interesting question about whether i am married la la la... i played along... no i am not, i replied. i see no point in a piece of paper. whoever we are with, what is important is that we are happy... and the conversation dragged on. and he asked if i found someone who can take care of me and vice versa, i said yes and he asked to see the photo... that was when i showed him bee's photo. well, that was how i came out to him. and we just chatted on and on and i in turn asked him if he found someone who could take care of him and vice versa... he told me he wanted to keep it a secret. 

haha... ya right, i thought. if i were to get this response say 10-15 years ago, i would probably feel slighted and unhappy. unfair, i would have thought. but these days, i am beyond such emotions. if i tell or do something to you, i do not expect a response in kind. give unconditionally. and so i just smiled and carried on with other topics. and as i drove him to his final destination, he finally came out to me. i am very happy to hear he is attached and very well settled in china. he has found his partner and his life. no stress from his singapore family. no stress from 377a and the need to conform...

:-)

fasting month

it's fasting month again! everyone is fasting. i should make use of this period to also lose some weight! oh, btw, i am not muslim. rather, i thought it would be a useful and appropriate period considering a lot of my staff are fasting (and also my mum is on hunger strike)!

selamat berpuasa semua!

haha!

resignation letter

i wrote my resignation letter today. and i felt good about it. now, i will wait for the right moment to tender. and the moment would probably be a couple of weeks from now. need to settle my housing loans and some other personal admin first. until that happens, i will just hold on to it... 

and as far as my bosses are concerned, they continue to give me their nonsense. the immediate one still continue to pussyfoot on decisions yet tries to exert his authority on me... refuse to clear my recommendation to hire a training headcount that i have interviewed. and his criteria keeps changing. in fact, he has sat on it for so long, every single one in my unit had been forced to do training. and for the record, the budget allocated to me this year allows me to hire 4 new training headcount due to increased internal training demands... a stupid case of wasting manpower resources cos by committing my management staff to do the training, all my other management-level developmental work have been put on delay... also, expect me to grow revenue while he continues pussyfooting on giving me the green light to hire the budgetted headcount. wtf right? and my big boss (my boss's boss) has threaten to chop me when and if my training pass rate drops... and logic says that if your trainer-trainee ratio drops, pass rate will definitely drop. all this point to one thing - i better resign before my pass rate drop and they chop my head!

and to top it off, my big boss and my hr head sacked one management staff in my hr department (who's covering part-hrd role) and transferred a large part of her workload onto me and another of my staff. i sense a feeble attempt by my hr head to rescope what her dept should do (or not do) and in the process dump the whole hrd scope onto me... damned! what is a hr dept if you do not do hrd. i feel strongly they should have sack the head of the hr department instead! i was very upset by this "na! take it and do it" approach with no room for negotiation. and certainly my team was also very upset by this sudden development. as it stands, we are all scrambling to make sure the ball do not drop.

well, back to my resignation letter. after writing my letter, i felt so much more relieved. just wait, i will throw my letter when the time is ripe...

ps: then again, i feel sad for my team. they have expressed their wish to tender too when i leave. one of them even told me that in his 4-5 years in the company, it is only in recent months when he got posted to me that he began to see the light and feel purposeful when he comes to work...

hunger strike continues

and the hunger strike continues... no, not worrying about it cos she only goes on strike when i am around. i believe she has had her lunch. perhaps it is a good way for her to lose some weight. have been feeding her too much of late and she has ballooned quite a bit. 

no stress. admittedly, was previously stressed by her reaction cos i was worried about possible malnourishment. and i got angry with her. but now, with the non-attachment to want to see her eat, i feel no stress. no stress at all!

:-)

hunger strike

what would you do when your own mum goes on a hunger strike? the one that you look after... am near mental collapse now...

sighs...

whew!

- tgif -

so many many arrows and things done this week. two major visits to host including one that just ended... very tiring. 

thankfully, it's over!

bluddy rude malaysian indian

was at the changi airport foodcourt and wanted to buy some desserts for mum after dinner. there was this indian lady that sat on the table beside the dessert store. and i walked towards the dessert store, the indian lady stood up and wanted to buy dessert too. it so happened i reached the dessert store and joined the queue one step (yes! just one step) ahead of her. i did not see her stand up behind me and before i knew it, she raised her voice "oi, excuse me, i come here before you okay. you must let me go first..." and before i could even respond, she pushed herself in front of me in the queue. and after squeezing in, she turned her head and asked quite rudely "you wanna go first izzit?"... i just gestured to her to go ahead. it was obvious i didn't look pleased. she turned and gave me a one-helluva kinda look. i ignored her.

from her dressing, and accent, it was clear she's from malaysia. i had interacted with enough malaysian indians at work to recognize one when i see and talk to one. but what i didn't like about her behaviour was that she was rude, outright unreasonable and kiasu. for the last factor, i supposed she picked it up from singaporeans (which i am totally not proud of). but whatever the reasons, whether it is a result of malaysia's race-politics or otherwise, i strongly think she could at least show some basic courtesy. i just don't like such behaviour.

ugly parents

brought my mum to changi airport foodcourt for dinner. had expected a crowd considering it is a weekend. when we arrived, i freaked out. the crowd at the walkway outside the foodcourt was so "thick" one had to squeeze through to walk from one point to another...

i was curious and decided to take a closer look and realised the crowd was not moving cos they were all parents and kids waiting for barney to come on stage. there were like at least 300pax squeezed into a half-olympic pool sized space. and that is where the ugliest of behaviour could be seen. we have parents trying to out-squeeze each other, we had parents who went to eat and when barney appeared, rush and pushed their way to the front, and so on...

frankly, despite not being a parent myself, i couldn't but felt embarrassed by the many parent's behaviours. and i was embarrassed at several levels. firstly, as a parent, what kinda freaking value-system and message are the parents sending their kids? that it is ok to push and shove? that greediness and discourtesy is fine? that one can be rude in the face of something desirable? hmmm... and as a singaporean, what kinda message are we showing our guests from around the world?

hmmm... perhaps i sound a little too uptight, but certainly, i did not like what i see.

what do u wanna know?

i had many interesting conversations with a work acquaintance-turned friend sometime back. when we first met, both our gaydars were already ringing non-stop. and in our subsequent dealings, there were many conversations where the professional-personal lines blurred. by that time, we had already done our own checks and knew about each other's sexuality. yet we didn't really talk about it directly, choosing to make references to gay-related stuff, common friends who are the "who's who" in the gay circle and so on during our conversations. well, we ended up sharing about each other's blog and he said something along the line of "well... if you don't mind, you can pay a visit to my blog... but i must say, it is a rather self-indulgent blog..." this little sentence got me wondering if there are personal blogs about one's life and experiences that are not self-indulgent... and i was half-laughing to myself cos in my head, i was like "oh... wait until you read my blog!" ha!

well... for quite a while since i started, i have chosen to simply rant/ journal my daily thoughts and nothings, and if time permits or when i am inspired (as i usually am when stressed) to reflect deeper. and all these entries have centered on "me". and as i subsequently research deeper into the concept of blogging, it struck me that in this media, the are 2 on-going conversations for any one blog - within-self and between self and the blog readers... and by my own third party observations of many blogs today, i would add a third category - between readers and readers, although this category is somewhat lesser compared to the first 2 (it warrants a whole lot of studies altogether for this last category). anyway, getting away from all these theories, i also observed myself to move more from self-reflections into conversing with my readers over time. it's probably cos time has allowed the nurturing of an online relationship and thus the use of blogs becomes more interactive. so my readers, let me do this for the first time and  ask you this  question - are there any topics that you would like me to blog about? certainly, wherever i can, i will try to share my perspective to the topic (i know ooi2009 has asked me to blog about "mature men and sex" but I have yet to do so...)

drop me a comment!

:-)

teaching

got a pleasant surprise yesterday. a really pleasant one!

you see, 2 weeks ago, i got a request from my ex-supervisor to do a sharing for a masters class that he would be teaching in the coming semester. i agreed as it was a topic that i am very familiar with. also, i felt honoured that my supervisor remembered me and thought it was nice of him to extend this invite.

and i got an email from him yesterday telling me that my sharing would be considered a formal lesson and that i would be paid $450 for the 3hr given to me! wow! totally did not see this coming! so nice of him right?!

heh heh...

mum & i

any resemblance?

haha!

ps: that was me 8 years back (and no, i don't look like this now). that was mum, 50 over years back (and certainly no, she doesn't look like this now)... lol!

funeral

today is the funeral... have taken leave to attend. have not told mum about it. in fact, she doesn't know i've been attending the wake daily. didn't want her to have any wild paranoid thoughts...

the rituals and all will start morning and leave for the crematorium at 10.30am. gonna be an emotional day...

thank you dinner

decided to buy my staff dinner today to thank them for all the hard work and support over the last year. in all, 30 of them turned up, including a couple who had left the unit. very happy about it. that attendance was close to 80% of the total headcount under me. as the boss, i thought this is the right thing to do... thank you all. thank you for being part of the family. thank you for the hard work. thank you for making the unit what we are today. thank you all and may all of you enjoy good health. that was what i said to them after dinner... we all had a good time. 

:-)

glam mum

well, that was what my mum, a true blue nonya, looked like when she was in her 20s... back then, wearing kebaya was very much in fashion and considered trendy. and till today, she still insists that as a deep respect to the culture, she must observe very specific decorum when it comes to the kebaya, that she must have the figure to carry the kebaya and she must gelek when she wears it. otherwise, she will not do it...

:-)

job search

starting the whole process again. actually, have done it on a low key since 2 months back... so far, nothing. job market is indeed slow. might just throw letter without a job. things are getting from bad to worst and arrows are flying. just today, my boss throws me a spanner to give a talk to the industry. he's supposed to be the one but with only 2 months to go, he decided to arrow me. it is a sure lose-lose for me cos on one hand he says he gives me the freedom to scope the speech, on the other hand, he wants me to use the session to criticize the regulators... damned! criticize the gahmen? you must be crazy! and it is not a simple speech, the time given is 1-blooming hour! 

anyway, that is not the key reason (although it does contribute to it)... the are just too many factors that are cornering me to big time failure - no support from big boss, restrictions in hiring while the ops demands has increased by almost double, no desire by big bosses to listen to issues at hand (which are largely legacy issues caused in part by my immediate boss), little ghost (xiao gui) poking and creating tensions at backend, conflicting demands by other business unit heads that the big bosses refuse to moderate and instead choosing to take sides or ignore, acute favouritism, increasing politicking due to percieved tensions, increased resignation rates amongst management staff, scolding when you do good becos big bosses say you are not doing your worth, scolding when targets not met becos big bosses say you are not putting in effort, scolding instead of coaching, staff poaching yet piling more work onto me... the list goes on...

yup, totally no more motivation to work. need to go for my own health. but have to time it carefully. can only do it after aug so that i can refinance my house first... also, hopefully the europe-side down crash overnight cos it would impact my refinancing capabilities.

wish me luck...

my daughter

sapphie during one of her weekend swim at the beach 

this is the other old girl that i look after. for a 12 year old (or equivalent to 84 human years), she's certainly not behaving her age. haha... she behaves like a puppy... i half suspect one day, she'll over-exert and suddenly drop dead due to heart attack or something... haha... 

ps: for those of you who do not have dogs, trust me, they are more human-like than you can possibly imagine!

pps: i half suspect sapphie was a fish in her previous life. she takes to water like macam she lives in it! arrive at the beach car park already behave like a mad dog... see the beach only rush to the water and jump in to play with water...

distaste

my distaste for anything related to the saf/ mindef has grown stronger by the days... and it is personal...

no diamonds

went for my scan previously and the doctor saw me last week. verdict - stones in my kidneys are all gone. good news indeed. review in a year's time. in the meantime, need to drink a lot of water and to observe my diet carefully. nothing too salty... hmmm... this sentence reminded me of the visa advert: "the soup is too salty..." bish bash!

demise of bee's dad

it's a sad day... bee's dad passed away after lunch... but i supposed we can take solace in the peaceful passing. may he rest in peace...

:-(

sex sells

yup, indeed sex really sells... and this is in sync (much regretfully) with the so called stereotyped impression of the society at large that the gay community (to which i am very much a part of) is sex-hungry and sex-crazy. no we are not, well perhaps it is a large part of our lives, we are all sexual beings after all right? but no! we are not sex-crazy! but... well i said this becos i did a simple test last week...

i blogged about pick up sex. and hey presto! within the first 2 day, i got so many hits per day it really surprised me! for the first day of my post, my blog registered an all time high for the number of hits to my blog on a single day since i started this blog! and i decided to do a test. i wanted to see how much further the number of hits will reach for my blog and deliberately did not blog further for the week. the number of hits continued to remain high everyday (of cos, the number did register a drop daily, but still, it is above my average number of hits per day)... and by today, the pick up sex post is my number 4 all time high in my blog history... and this number is not reflective of the people who actually read this post cos it does not include those who visited my blog by clicking directly onto my blog address!

and interestingly, the 3 of the top 4 posts in my blog hit list are all related to gay men/ sex! so, yup... sex sells, and sex really really sells!

pay raise? bullshit!

i got my bonus last week. not a great one, but a bonus nonetheless. my boss told me i will get a pay raise come next month, 10% (er, ok, 8% to be exact...). sounds good, but objectively speaking, i am currently being paid 30% below market rate... so...

and yesterday, my big boss arranged for me and my immediate boss to have lunch with him. it was a lunch that i did not want to attend, but knew i had to get it done and over with... well, as to be expected, from the time he stepped into my car to the time he fucked off from my car, it was non-stop grilling, half-chiding, and half-scolding. he dug up all the issues that occurred last year, all his tensions about my staff, etc and told me that i should be thankful to him for giving me a pay raise despite all the so called screw ups (all of which incidentally centered around one single incident)... and he told me if there is any one more screw up, my head will roll...

wtf!

and at the end of lunch, he dropped another bombshell, that he wants to have one of my head report to the vp hr to cover another role that he felt did not perform up to mark, and if she is deemed suitable, she would be taken away from me and that he would give me the go ahead to start to recruit another headcount. fuck! after working so hard to find a suitable person who now is performing and working well, he now wants to take her away from me! not the first time, second or third time already! damned!

to be continued...

pace in life

should i slow down my pace in life? should i hold on to a job where i get screwed by my boss everytime i see him? should i change my job to something more meaningful? how can i find a balance between material well-being and emotional well-being, yet not compromising on the daily necessities of my mum? or should i just drop everything and not pursue corporate life anymore and seek something more noble like working in a voluntary organization?

i am still pondering...

happiness

it's friday and i thought "hey, weekend is coming!" and i smiled. it had been a relatively ok but busy week for me, less the fucked up lunch that i had with my boss and my big boss yesterday... and i decided to whatsapp a couple of friends to wish them a great start to the weekend... afterall, it would be so selfish of me to keep such feel good feel to myself! must spread it... and i started to check out my whatsapp favourite list...

"tgif!" i whatsapp a friend... "yayyy" he replied. simple reply. no pretense, but well, to me that's all it matters... i was quite sure, he must have smiled when he replied. even if it is for that short moment. the short moment of being distracted from the mundane rountines of life by checking and reading the message, the (assumed) smile, subsciously satisfied that he has been remembered on a friday morning by an almost unknown blogger thousands of miles away, and to be reminded that weekend is here... hmmm... aim achieved. happiness spreaded.

i checked out a second person, he had earlier told me he intended to visit sg in jul. wonder if his plans are fixed. his whatsapp status states: "happiness is a form of courage". i took a look and it made me ponder. and i decided to tickle his brain a bit... i whatsapp him "courage is a form of happiness"... well, to me at this moment, courage is certainly a form of happiness... i need to change my job... well, will write about it soon...

well, here i am, sitting in a coffee shop as per routine. reflecting about all sorts of stuffs. mundane things, unimportant things, i think too much...

happy weekend everyone!

pick-up sex

this is such a sexy post! really reminds me of those good old cruising days where people prowlled the streets and car parks and make out in dark alleys, abandoned houses, old hotel car parks and for those adventurous enough, to do it openly in public places (fort road car park comes to mind!)... can still remember my experiences at club street, ann siang hill, telok ayer, meyer road, etc but of course, we do not do it in our underwear like what you see here. then again, no need to think too much, just enjoy the production. you can see more of such productions at the gregg homme homepage.

enjoy!

:-)

ps: and yes, the heavy breathing is quite a turn on isn't it?

discharged

been a busy day for me since morning. went to see doctor for a blood and urine test to confirm my chills and fever was not due to kidney infection, then went to get mum's dentures from the dental center before i finally went to the hospital to get mum discharged.

ps: my kidneys were found to be ok... whew!

spam

i noted from my blog stats that there are people from russia visiting my blog daily. and i also note from my google analytics that there are unauthorized attempts to access my blogs from russia and brazil... hmmm... ok, guys, i have changed my passwords and i have reactivated the word verification for posting any comments... hate being spammed. especially with comments that i do not understand and/ or with links that leads one to some dodgy straight porn sites. if only, if only there is such a thing called spammed with cute men... that i wouldn't mind...

:-)

kidney infection?

when i had the chills and the fever, i remembered what the urologist told me - once you get chills and fever, you must head to the a&e ward immediately. it means your kidney is infected and that there would be an urgent need to remove the stone... does my chills and fever yesterday suggest it is time to head to the hospital? hmmm... challenging issue cos i have to discharge mum from hospital today... anyway, i'll head over to the polyclinic to get my urine tested to see if there are traces of blood and do some test to see if my kidneys are infected...

dead

went to visit my mum last evening and i was shivering all over. had to take mum's hospital blanket to wrap myself up, even then, i felt very cold.. realized later than i was running a bad fever. anyway, when i arrived, i noted that the lady opposite my mum was no longer around. asked mum about it and she said that in the early hours of the morning, a lot of people came into the ward (including policemen!?), and the nurses came into the ward and closed all the curtains of every single patients. there was a lot of commotion and by the time the nurses opened the curtain, the lady was no longer around...

i supposed she had passed away.

sad...

39.2

not too hot! could have been worst! feeling very cold too! brrrrrr...